#idk why it got worse I feel like it’s normally not this bad 😭😭

[aleksa-sims]

My RL gameplay (18+)

!CW! addiction, relapse

A few days after I said goodbye to N, it got worse and worse for me. I missed him so terribly! I just couldn’t forget what he said to me when he left and how sad he was. ..... And btw P. & me, things didn’t go well at the time. After all, he made it clear to me, how exhausting I am for him because of my relapse. He was sick of me! 🤷‍♀️

That day, Nico’s mom came to me. She picked up his dog. Like I said, his dog wasn’t well, he just didn’t want to eat. N.'s mom told me, he always does this when Nico leaves. But I felt guilty & I was high again. 😔😞 (😠)

After she left, I sat on the floor in the hallway staring at these paintings hanging on my wall. I loved doing this when I was a little girl in my grandparents' house.... My phone rang. It took me a while to wake up from my thoughts. But I had my phone right next to me, so I answered it. It was good to hear P.’s voice. He’s coming to me. When I hung up, I remembered how much Philip hates it, when I’m high. That’s why things have been so tense between us over the last few days. I decided to take a shower, which will help my mind to get back to normal. In the shower, I started to cry again. Nico’s shower gel & all his stuff... it smelled like him 😭 Why do I miss him so much? I mean, he’s not gone forever! But, I’ve always been very sensitive when it comes to this. 🤔

When I saw Philip in my hallway, it felt like it was getting brighter around me. That’s why I hugged him right away . He was a bit confused! He didn’t expect this reaction from me.

Me: Agh, P.! I’m so sad, I miss him so much! 😭 But now that you’re here, I feel much better. I missed you so much, too! And I’m so sorry I didn’t want to talk to you!

Philip: Ok, A.!.... I know you’re not well! Nico’s mom called me and told me she was worried about you, are you high? 😕

Me: I’m so terrible! But I can’t do it without N.! And I need you, too! ...Nico’s dog, I can’t even take care of him, this is all my fault. 😩 😞

Philip:  It’s ok! 🙁 But, tell me, A.! Are you high? Yes or no?

Me: I’m just.... sad, I think?🤥😔 ... You hate me because of this, I know! But I couldn’t help it! I-....I just couldn’t and-....I..I was alone! I didn’t know, that you’re coming. 😞 😟

Philip: Damn, A.!🤦‍♂️ .... Come on, get dressed and get your things you need, you’re coming with me!

Me: What? 😳 Idk if N. wants this! And I don’t want a babysitter!

Philip: No, N. doesn’t want you to go on like this! But when you come to me, everything is fine, A.! And yes, you don’t need a babysitter! You need a friend! 🙁 You need me!

Me: And what about his dog?

Philiip: I’ll pick him up tomorrow! And he stays with both of us. Ok?

Me: You’re the best P.! Thank you!....I love you and yes, I need you. 😳

Philip: ILY too, that’s why I’m doing this! I want you with me and N. wants this too!

Me: Youuu........🤔 😦 😵

Philip: Hm?...What’s up? 🤷‍♂️ Why’re you staring at me? 🙂

Me: You have a really pretty face, P.! I could feel my heart jump when you started smiling. 🥰 This was kind of weird. But...I like it. 🙂

Philip: You’re so crazy, A.!🤦‍♂️ 😄.... Your face is pretty! And your skin....so soft & and why do you smell like coconut again.

Me: Oh, yeah, that’s my make up fixing spray. I love this stuff! I love coconut! It’s sooo good 🤤🥥🥥 

Philip: Mhm!🤨........ Kiss me.

Me: ........Oh, wow! 😦This kiss was..... 😵 😍 sooo intense!...I think I should get my stuff now. 😳

Philip: Yeah  💗

And so I slowly “moved” in with Philip, but I felt so, so bad about N.! Nico will come back home in four weeks for a couple of days and.... my feelings will kill me. But N. knew I was with Philip while he was abroad, and he wanted this!!! And I promised him, as soon as he gets home, I’ll come back & P. was ok with this, too! Still, it’s not gonna be nice! And then there was my addiction, which crashed everything down. 😥

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[wigglebox]

So a well known meta writer has a reliable leak and apparently they’re implying that they were right all along. Problem is (I think) the ending they had in mind had sth to do with Dean dying and going to a heaven improved by Cas where souls are free to do what they want, etc. They write about death as some sort of ‘transformation’ and I think that’s getting people to freak out bc no one wants Dean to die next episode

Well idk who you’re talking about because I’ve read so many specs 😭 though maybe I know who you’re talking about—but if that’s what happens then that’s what happens. He wouldn’t be forced there, it’d be his choice. And I think that would be the underlying point.

Though now I am tearing up thinking about it.

I don’t want him to die, my desire was to have him be able to just live a life without obstructions—but this also makes sense. I don’t know if it would be because he doesn’t have purpose because you don’t have to die just because you don’t know what to do with your life. Many of us don’t know what to do with ours, bt it’s deeper with this instance.

I wonder if it’s just because (like many of us know and understand) he’s never gotten a break to try and live a normal life. He never got to be a kid he never got to finish school he never got to go to college he never had true aspirations for himself. Chuck wrote him as someone for who love and happiness were just out of reach. But if he has that chance now to get it but it involves leaving, then it involves leaving.

I won’t lie, while I had wanted everyone on earth paired off and doing their thing, I struggled to imagine what he’d do, especially if he just falls back on old activities and feelings but now it’s even worse because no one is forcing him to experience it. It’s just something that won’t go away. He was built that way and Chuck or not, that’s just how it wound up being. So this would answer that conundrum in my head.

And we have seen heavy grief coping mechanism grow heavier each and every time Cas dies or just something bad happens so I don’t imagine he’d want to continue if it’s going to be like that. And I’ll shove that fake phone call run in everyone’s face over and over if I have to.

I was also on team Human Cas but if I can’t get it that’s also okay because there are reasons to understand why he’d return to his first home and try to improve it. No more strings and no more sectioning people off from each other. It’s actually a welcoming and painless place. It’s a place to literally just Be.

Also, it would be another fuck you to Chuck’s ending of a dramatic murder suicide with Sam and Dean so suck on that you chump lol.

And I wonder if that would also answer the 30% of the audience will like the ending comment from last year by Dabb. I wonder if that 30% will be Sam fans happy he gets to go off and live a life he already knew he could obtain. I don’t think it was a serious comment though—but I do think Dabb would expect some kind of backlash from the other 60% for retiring them to Heaven. I hope that’s not the case because if this is the scenario that happens, I think it would be a good thing.

I mean just look at the lyrics song they named the episode after and that’s been the theme with every season finale. It i would correspond to this theory.

I also have been crying the whole time writing this god dammit. I’m a mess lmao.

He is my favorite character and seeing him “die” would be rough for me, but knowing he’d actually be at peace and with someone who loves him (not familial) and cares for him would bring me a lot of comfort than wondering if he’d have to go through the rest of his life with night terrors and PTSD.

If it were to be the case we’d know their reasons for their choice in the episode I imagine.

Honestly after typing this all out I think I agree with that person. I have my wishlist and my headcanon I made up like way at the beginning of the season but was never adamant about it—but this fits and if it happened I would cry but it’d be happy tears. I would hope that if it did happen, people would sit down and think about why he did that.

[goldeunoias]

Virgin Daisy has another question (mayhaps a tmi) but like okay I’m a hairy girl but I also get ingrown hairs like nobody’s business and get scars from them as well and so I’m lowkey afraid of ever being intimate bc I’m afraid of having see all of that scarring and whatnot but do people actually care when having sex ahhhhh 😭😭😭