#if i even remember the quote correctly from before sunrise but whatever it’s 2 am give me a pass

[catastrxblues]

something something about michael stopping tori from jumping because she can’t leave him there alone and something something about peeta stopping katniss from taking the nightlock pill because he can’t let her go

[lilacandladybugs]

What’s your current relationship with god? I’m very curious lmao

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question. 

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't. 

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality. 

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless.  If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul” 

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace. 

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him. 

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

[in-the-whisper]

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question.

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't.

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality.

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless.  If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul”

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace.

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him.

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

[camphaven-rp]

Welcome to Camp Haven, CHAEWON “SILVER” PARK!

CAMPER INFORMATION:

Age: 17 Date of Birth: 19 November 2000 Mutation: Biometal Physiology Cabin: Meadowlark

MUTATION INFORMATION:

( superior physical strength ): chaewon’s core ability is being about to transform her body entirely out of malleable metal which grants her superior physical strength and high resilience to damage done by physical means. although being only young, it is still being developed as she still has problems controlling her shifting - occasionally unable to turn back from metal form to her normal form and vice versa.  

( sensitivity to extreme heat ): coming in contact to fire immediately weakens her metal body when transformed, slowly draining her agility as well as her strength. though she’s able to turn back into her normal form when she’s desperate.

( magnetism ): magnetic fields are also a weakness to her metal body when coming into contact, or when coming into contact with someone with the particular ability. this leads to her metal body vulnerable, making it more difficult to control, making it somewhat possible for someone to control her movements to an extent.

( camouflage ): she’s able to make use of her environment and scatter herself in order to conceal her identity. although she has the ability to blend herself with the environment through shapeshifting and mimicking, her shadow does not disappear while blending in with metal itself is deemed more accurate. if not, she’s easily seen hiding elsewhere.

( density control ): silver is able to mold her body, making her body as soft or as hard as she is able to fit whatever situation she’s in for the sole purpose of strengthening her defense against danger. but when transformed, it would also affect the density of her entire body as the harder her metal body is, the more difficult it is for her to move due to her increased body weight if not used correctly. when swimming or placing her feet in substances like sand, she will most likely sink.

ICEBREAKERS:

1. What color are you? How does this color make you feel?

“ what color am i? that’s an interesting question! i don’t have much knowledge on the meaning of colors but i would say any color in relation to red. like maroon or burgundy. though i might learn towards the maroon color. for the most part, the color red is significant to power? or for me, ambition! my blood pressure gets high often, i get the burst of adrenaline! any shade of red could also mean anger but i don’t really get angry easily. do i? “

2. Sunrise, daylight, twilight, or night? Why?

“ i would say it’s between twilight or night. but since scary campfire stories occasionally make me anxious, lets go with twilight. i mean, have you seen a sky painted in purple and orange? it’s so aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. twilight adds color, not to mention it’s never too cold nor too hot? is that too specific? “

3. What quote do you think best describes your life?

“ it may be a simple quote but i’ve only just thought of one from the top of my head. “

“ i might seem alright but it’s not easy for me. “

she thought of all the situations she had to endure, all two of them, it sort of damaged her emotionally especially considering how young she was and the last wasn’t even long ago (last summer to be exact?). “my dad always told me to endure and that’s what i’ll continue to do. not everyone in the world is okay with mutants like us, if no one hasn’t figured that out yet. so i’m grateful to be staying at this camp for another summer!” chaewon raises her arm up and down, what she usually did as a child to pump herself up whenever she feels a bit down.

“it’s a cheesy explanation but i’m not afraid to speak up!”

4. Describe your favorite material object that you already own.

“ i don’t seem to have any material object that has any special significance to me, sadly. i could say the deep blue hair ribbon that i wear everyday? it’s a nice accessory to my hair? oh! or my dreamcatcher that hangs over my cabin bunk. it keeps nightmares at bay, at least that’s what my mom says.” she twists her neck, lets out a sigh. “i really don’t think it does anything most of the time but she gave it to me so i think it would have been good if i kept it.”  

when she was given the thing at first, she initially thought it was dumb though.

5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three items would you want to have with you?

“ do i really have to choose only three things to bring on a desert island? can’t it be fivethings? anyway… it would possibly be best to bring my sunscreen because burnt skin is a big no no? desert islands can be a hot place, that or an umbrella to hide myself from the sun because heat doesn’t go well with my ability. i can’t be burned to death. two? maybe a type of weapon like a spear because i can’t break everything with just my fists and three? a big large hammock. “

6. What is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you that you’re willing to share?

did she really not have any embarassing stories to share? she could think of one, not sure if she would call it embarassing but it was embarassing for her, looking like a wimp, even with her strong abilities. well - here goes.

“i almost peed my pants after my friends attempted to scare me with a skeleton mask last summer, in the woods? i told them before i wasn’t scared of anything but pretty sure the entire forest heard me shriek!”

“there’s nothing else that can scare me! just… horror stories by the fire scares me.” chaewon was pretty sure that her face would turn red every time anyone talked about it. it wasn’t a super embarassing story to tell people but it wasn’t pleasant remembering it. “i don’t wanna hear people making fun of me, got it?”

although what made it more funny was that chaewon was always up for an adventure, like hiking and yet horror stories creep her out.

[camphaven-rp]

Welcome to Camp Haven, CHAEWON “SILVER” PARK!

CAMPER INFORMATION:

Age: 17 Date of Birth: 19 November 2000 Mutation: Biometal Physiology Cabin: Meadowlark

MUTATION INFORMATION:

( superior physical strength ): chaewon’s core ability is being about to transform her body entirely out of malleable metal which grants her superior physical strength and high resilience to damage done by physical means. although being only young, it is still being developed as she still has problems controlling her shifting - occasionally unable to turn back from metal form to her normal form and vice versa.  

( sensitivity to extreme heat ): coming in contact to fire immediately weakens her metal body when transformed, slowly draining her agility as well as her strength. though she’s able to turn back into her normal form when she’s desperate.

( magnetism ): magnetic fields are also a weakness to her metal body when coming into contact, or when coming into contact with someone with the particular ability. this leads to her metal body vulnerable, making it more difficult to control, making it somewhat possible for someone to control her movements to an extent.

( camouflage ): she’s able to make use of her environment and scatter herself in order to conceal her identity. although she has the ability to blend herself with the environment through shapeshifting and mimicking, her shadow does not disappear while blending in with metal itself is deemed more accurate. if not, she’s easily seen hiding elsewhere.

( density control ): silver is able to mold her body, making her body as soft or as hard as she is able to fit whatever situation she’s in for the sole purpose of strengthening her defense against danger. but when transformed, it would also affect the density of her entire body as the harder her metal body is, the more difficult it is for her to move due to her increased body weight if not used correctly. when swimming or placing her feet in substances like sand, she will most likely sink.

ICEBREAKERS:

1. What color are you? How does this color make you feel?

“ what color am i? that’s an interesting question! i don’t have much knowledge on the meaning of colors but i would say any color in relation to red. like maroon or burgundy. though i might learn towards the maroon color. for the most part, the color red is significant to power? or for me, ambition! my blood pressure gets high often, i get the burst of adrenaline! any shade of red could also mean anger but i don’t really get angry easily. do i? “

2. Sunrise, daylight, twilight, or night? Why?

“ i would say it’s between twilight or night. but since scary campfire stories occasionally make me anxious, lets go with twilight. i mean, have you seen a sky painted in purple and orange? it’s so aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. twilight adds color, not to mention it’s never too cold nor too hot? is that too specific? “

3. What quote do you think best describes your life?

“ it may be a simple quote but i’ve only just thought of one from the top of my head. “

“ i might seem alright but it’s not easy for me. “

she thought of all the situations she had to endure, all two of them, it sort of damaged her emotionally especially considering how young she was and the last wasn’t even long ago (last summer to be exact?). “my dad always told me to endure and that’s what i’ll continue to do. not everyone in the world is okay with mutants like us, if no one hasn’t figured that out yet. so i’m grateful to be staying at this camp for another summer!” chaewon raises her arm up and down, what she usually did as a child to pump herself up whenever she feels a bit down.

“it’s a cheesy explanation but i’m not afraid to speak up!”

4. Describe your favorite material object that you already own.

“ i don’t seem to have any material object that has any special significance to me, sadly. i could say the deep blue hair ribbon that i wear everyday? it’s a nice accessory to my hair? oh! or my dreamcatcher that hangs over my cabin bunk. it keeps nightmares at bay, at least that’s what my mom says.” she twists her neck, lets out a sigh. “i really don’t think it does anything most of the time but she gave it to me so i think it would have been good if i kept it.”  

when she was given the thing at first, she initially thought it was dumb though.

5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three items would you want to have with you?

“ do i really have to choose only three things to bring on a desert island? can’t it be fivethings? anyway… it would possibly be best to bring my sunscreen because burnt skin is a big no no? desert islands can be a hot place, that or an umbrella to hide myself from the sun because heat doesn’t go well with my ability. i can’t be burned to death. two? maybe a type of weapon like a spear because i can’t break everything with just my fists and three? a big large hammock. “

6. What is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you that you’re willing to share?

did she really not have any embarassing stories to share? she could think of one, not sure if she would call it embarassing but it was embarassing for her, looking like a wimp, even with her strong abilities. well - here goes.

“i almost peed my pants after my friends attempted to scare me with a skeleton mask last summer, in the woods? i told them before i wasn’t scared of anything but pretty sure the entire forest heard me shriek!”

“there’s nothing else that can scare me! just… horror stories by the fire scares me.” chaewon was pretty sure that her face would turn red every time anyone talked about it. it wasn’t a super embarassing story to tell people but it wasn’t pleasant remembering it. “i don’t wanna hear people making fun of me, got it?”

although what made it more funny was that chaewon was always up for an adventure, like hiking and yet horror stories creep her out.