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#if it was my oldest sister insisting she could do it they wouldnt have protested!
audiovisualrecall
·
4 months
Text
Love how I can ruin something so easily
#actually id say love how depression can do so but i dont have to behave irritably just bc my brain feels unmoored and unhappy for no good
#reason. i dont have to make it everyone elses problem
#i wasnt trying to! but i cant communicate hey i feel like x and thats making me feel y and i dont know what to do about it
#i just.. why dont they ask 'Why?' when i get like that. i want them to notice that I'm acting uncharacteristically and say something so that
#i can go oh yeah thats dumb and idk why sorry yeah
#but theyre reacting like its not obvious when i pointed out that this happens and that i want them to ask me 'why'
#yeah is it fair to expect that if them? no. but idk what else to do abt it bc i am incapable of makingany other decision
#im ANGRY
#I'm disappointed i didnt get to be here for the yard sale and help them
#I'm frustrated i had to be at work even though i was superfluous there today
#I'm disappointed and frustrated that they dont want to try a yard sale again another week
#like maybe a warmer and nicer weekend and puttinf more signs up will result in more traffic to the yard sale!
#theyre giving up on it and i wanted to do a yard sale and didnt get to bc i had to be at work instead and now i wont gwt to again bc they
#dont want to plan another yard sale bc theyre exhausted by it
#i missed out and i wanted to do a yard sale so bad and didnt get to be here for it!
#I'm frustrated that qe wont do another yard sale
#and I'm unhappy that they didnf trust that i could clean up and brinf stuff inside at least like theyre tired so why are they doinf the work
#let me help! i want to feel like i helped! I'm useless i dont do anything! but i was fold i cant do it on my own and wouldnt know where they
#wanred to put stuff
#like yeah i cant move the tables on my own into the shed. fine. but the boxes of stuff??? she could have come and directed me instead!
#so like. fine i wont help. and then i got up and came to fuckinf help anyway even tjo apparently i wouldnt have done it right on my own
#and shes like that attitude wasn't helpful like neither was what you said!
#i know I'm not smart or helpful and just an annoying tag-alonf overgrown child but i wanted to do something
#if it was my oldest sister insisting she could do it they wouldnt have protested!
#whatever I'm stupid and reactive and i could have said like that makes me feel like u think i cant help and that feels shitty
#whatever
#I'm just. i hate existing its too frustrating and complicated and i havw no choice in the matter and i want to just curl up in bed and do
#nothing and go nowhere and not talk to anyone and not do my medication bc i wont have insurance if i dont go to work bc i wont have the job
#which means i can never do that bc unfortunately the result of not taking my medication scares me more than i hate having to be a person
#i hate being a person but being sick is infinitely worse so
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