#if u want it to 8e ^_^

[smallknowingjester]

:33 < theyre like that meme thats like "wow everyone in this room is sooooo weird so glad im the only normal one here!" 8ut its just the two of them in the room

[umbrellajam]

y'know what let's do it. have Jack Drake accused of murdering Janet for a different flavor of drama and whump

he was in a coma and then wheelchair-bound for weeks/months after the incident you say? he was FAKING, it was all arranged, a ploy to appear helpless and sympathetic, how else could he have woken up and recovered so smoothly from the same poison that killed his wife

new evidence is produced of a suspicious payment trail from before the hijacking, leading from Jack's DI funds to accounts that appear connected to the Haitian cult/cartel responsible for the Drakes' kidnapping and Janet's tragic demise

the widow of the Drakes' personal secretary, Jeremy Whatzizlastname, and other employees all come forward and wag their tongues about the alarming frequency and escalation of the fights between the deceased and her aggressive, belligerent husband in the lead-up to that final fateful trip - how they were openly arguing about divorce

mysteriously, this relentless mud-slinging media blitz only begins after Drake Industries starts to go downhill and CEO Phil Marin comes under investigation for embezzlement/insider trading...

since it's post-NML the scandal blows up even further. the press hounds young Tim Drake, the iconic NML Kid known to all as the face of re-opening Gotham after the quake. muckrakers gleefully tear apart the recent image of a desperate, loving father who was broadcast on national television putting all his resources and influence toward bringing his lost son home

...actually. doesn't Drake Industries going broke happen right in the middle of Bruce Wayne: Murderer? (checks notes) aha, Robin #100 so lmfao yes, it does.

GOOD EXCELLENT PERFECT, Tim's father figures can both be accused of murder simultaneously 😈 and then the Bats have to divide their efforts and resources between exonerating Robin's dad and attempting to clear the civilian name of an infuriatingly uncooperative Batman…

[cgtg]

HEY, thief of doom here, 1st i totally agree that way more eople should 8e picking classes like this, especially with how interesting they are, 2nd i picked this class 8ecause of ego mostly, since i believed i was a witch or rogue for a certain amount of time 8ut rogues are way too, like, unsure of tbeir aspect to be a thief, and witches revolve more around understanding and manipulating something rather than just taking it and using it, when it comes to 8eing a thief of doom specifically it mostly has to do with "always facing great misfortune" and the fact that it relates to things like fate & death also which very surprising are very important themes in my life, like, i kid you not, this shit GENUINELY leads me through life, which i guess makes sense 8ut is still kinda crazy to think, idk if i should go more into detail into what a thief of doom would do in s8ur8 or what theyre like specifically so imma just wrap it up here, so thanks if you read this!

hell yeah thieves. i think a lot of ppl are scared to touch the “active” classes that textually act in self-benefit, bc we’re taught that having “an ego” & wanting to behave fully independently/in our own self interest is inherently wrong. there isn’t anything wrong with that, there’s a difference between that & being a complete asshole. unfortunately the archetypal thief is the easiest for ppl to place on this axis by its very conception. it’s easy to assign to a character, but not to a person u think is kind, & *especially* not urself.

i think ppl are more open to being a witch, for example, because the “good witch” has more of a presence in media (including homestuck itself) while still feelin distinctly witchlike. in most media, including the systems homestuck is inspired by, rogues/thieves are easily conflated. a lot of ppl would say a “morally good thief” is just “a rogue”. eg robin hood. & nobody wants to be “the bad one”, that’s not good…! consider how popular the rogue class has been in these polls by comparison.

i ended up goin on a whole rando rant here, so i’m just gonna tuck the rest under this thing. thank u for giving ur perspective ^_^

it’s a limitation of the godtier system that is intentional & effective in-comic with fictional characters, but when it’s lifted into the massive nuance of “real human beings” it can buckle under the weight.

we get a rlly limited scope for how certain classes can act w/in a narrative. damara vs jade, or rufioh vs roxy, i think are good examples of how differently a single class can present/act based on the person & their circumstances. myself & one of my closest friends, who also chooses witch (of life/heart), are *extremely* different ppl. i see no reason that a thief can’t vary just as much. i’m not trying to arbitrate how an irl thief guy should be, or anything, i just… hypothesize this is the reason they’re not picked often. folks are basically decent, & most ppl (including assholes) don’t wanna walk around saying “i’m an asshole”. feel like i’ve seen ppl who pick prince talk abt having this issue too. but they have dirk as an avenue to *easily* understanding the prince w/ more nuance to their role & personality.

& im not saying vriska lacks nuance. i’m not saying i hate vriska. i’m saying she’s easy to view without nuance & easy to hate. just like a thief. & with all this, it seems reasonable 2 me to expect that only people who rlly love/relate to vriska would feel comfortable openly picking thief. a very exclusive class… maybe it works out after all.

thieves rule. u rule & thanks for sharing ur perspective. sorry it ended up w me doing a huge rando rant haha.

[5weetmeat]

Why do people want your teeth, r u 8eing visited 8y a 8unch o fairies

bacause they are sharp and yellow and people like the color yellow maybe

[poorlydrawnvriska]

AG: send asks, send whatever!!!!!!!! im here to stay 8ITCHES. I'm the 8est vriska in paradox space!!!!!!!!

AG: as for my pronouns i use she/they/web, but i honestly dont give a shit what you use t8h lol

AG: all insults from me on here are to 8e taken as jokes, I don't actually want 8eef with the people behind the badlydrawn 8logs! this is all for fun ::::)

Current goals: none atm! just doing whatever right now. I am more likely to answer silly asks ;;;;) (also please help find the nepeta bracelets owner!)

AG: keep asks PG-13 for the most part, NSFW is allowed only if it's funny but also expect a negative response to it bc I'm a hypocrite (in all seriousness though, please keep nsfw to an absolute minimum. i am not comfortable with people I don't know sending me graphic nsfw stuff, silly jokes and stuff for the bit are okay though)

ooc; badlydrawnstuck blogs ask me for the discord link and ill set u up :3

[sttoru]

heard you wanted recs so here are some of my personal favs, i'll try to fish out some toji ones from my liked posts [if you want]

dad geto: https://www.tumblr.com/rizsu/725495790457520128/geto-above-all-will-do-anything-for-his-little?source=share

dad gojo: https://www.tumblr.com/verahella/732643849810345984/oh-my-god-you-called-satoru-popped-up-from

gojo: https://www.tumblr.com/seravphs/719589753657425920/gojo-satoru-x-fem-readergojo-my-girl-is

husband nanami: https://www.tumblr.com/kingkonoha/731385948563177472/%F0%9D%90%8F%F0%9D%90%91%F0%9D%90%8E%F0%9D%90%93%F0%9D%90%84%F0%9D%90%82%F0%9D%90%93%F0%9D%90%88%F0%9D%90%95%F0%9D%90%84-headcanons-about-kento-nanami-being

megumi: https://www.tumblr.com/rizsu/729383524878155777/megumis-a-whatever-boyfriend-not-in-the-sense?source=share

ANOOOON MY LIFE SAVERRERRR !!!!!!!! im gonna read some of these before bed omgomg ☹️☹️ THAKN YEWWWWWW for taking ur time to put this ask together !!!! i appreciate it sooomuch kisskisskiss >_< and if u have some toji ones, please do send them my way BUT only if u have the time to fish m out < 3333 u have my heart

[wigglerauspistice-absconded]

I just wanted 2 let u know ur like one of my f8vorite mutuals even though we dont interact a whole ton like. All ur posts r 88ngers & every time i see smthn u re8logged on my dash ik it's gonna 8e gr8. U fill a niche i sorely need & i alw8ys luv 2 see u around. Ur so so awesome & cool & am8zing and i hope u have the 8est d8y 4ever & ever

aw ty ur a reel sweetheart & i feel similarly aboat u ^w^

[twotimefromforsaken]

jus wanna say

i genuinely love your art sm ACKKKCKCKCK it tastes like fuit gummy and like. like. ackckk i want j NNEEDD your artstyle i envy.uAV ,😓😓🥺🥺🥺 gen so happy ur my mutufual. or whatevder we are. friendtual. ididktnt knowo

molds you with my mind

THWJKYOU E)?AAAAAAAWWAAAAAÆ ; RH(HMBW !!!EMFUCFKGN owky .I smiled liek REALLY wide right nnowieas having not a gr3at day;alopsi irnm literisltl handing u my art style on a platter u can have it all youy want .I DONT HAVE THR FICJGN GIF FOR IT BHUT THE GIF OF THE CATS HOLDING HANDS AND SPINNING IN S CIRCLE .ATHWJT IS ME 2 YYOU rn;: 8e lifeialg i a w eia ;;;

SMRIKY

[crowsapprentice]

CA: yeah, i think i’m go~nna have to~ admit i’m a page

CA: but i mean

CA: i do~n’t want to~ be a page

CA: no~ o~ne wo~uld respect me if i was like “hey i’m a page o~f heart”

CA: “lmao~ yo~u lack identity? lo~ser”

AG: So if I was a Page of Heart, would I 8e so worthless?

CA: vriska i already do~n’t like yo~u

CA: but no~ yo~u wo~uldn’t

CA: no~bo~dy’s wo~rthless

AG: Then why are YOU so hard on yourself, dummy? >::::)

[rinhaler]

hiya luxe!! just wanted to submit my fic for the video games collab!!

(if that link above doesn’t work: https://www.tumblr.com/shujistars/738618639780118528/%F0%9D%90%81%F0%9D%90%8B%F0%9D%90%8E%F0%9D%90%8D%F0%9D%90%83%F0%9D%90%88%F0%9D%90%84-%F0%9D%90%81%F0%9D%90%80%F0%9D%90%81%F0%9D%90%88%F0%9D%90%84)

(sorry the link is HIDEOUS)

i think i tagged it all correctly but i know you’re probably knee deep in notifs so just wanted to follow up 🩵🩵 ILYYYYY

AAAAA IM SO SORRY i saw it and forgot bc i have goldfish memory so thank you for following up 😭😭 cant wait to read thank u for joining ily 🥺🥺🥺💖

[smallknowingjester]

:33 < i guessssss ill post art here its fine!!!! they are sooooo pink ^_^

[grim-arachnidz]

do u accept rose x vriska

I’ll 8e with whoever I want.

[muppetjokernum8ereightfan]

Wud wii2h u luck wth ur deniizen but uve probably already done iit n diidnt need extra luck cu2 ur deniizen2 ea2y

I’ve 8een asleep since my post saying goodnight. My denizen fight is going to 8e awesome actually if you want to watch.

[lunaticli8rarian]

bc if ur mean ppl wont want to be near u

ok 8ut one of my closest friends who matters more to me than anything i got 8y us 8eing mean to each other and it's one of my happiest rel8tionships, so like, why would i 8e nice if 8eing mean gets me people i actually like?

[pesterloglog]

Meenah Peixes, Aranea Serket, Vriska Serket, John Egbert, Tavros Nitram, Aradia Megido, Sollux Captor

Act 6, page 5951-5980

MEENAH: ey its the blue buoy again!

MEENAH: sea him there just off the starboard shit

MEENAH: yo watch how far away i can fork him from

ARANEA: Meenah, put the trident down.

ARANEA: Don't make me conchfishscate it again.

MEENAH: 38D

MEENAH: 38D

MEENAH: conchfishscate

MEENAH: 38D

VRISKA: Hey, it's John!

JOHN: vriska, is that you?

VRISKA: Yeah! Get over here!!!!!!!!

JOHN: alright.

TAVROS: (oH,)

TAVROS: (gREAT,)

VRISKA: Nice to see you again, John. It's 8een too long.

JOHN: yeah...

JOHN: actually hasn't it been exactly a year?

JOHN: i think it was my birthday last time we met too, heh.

VRISKA: A year for you, may8e. Who even knows how long it's 8een out here, 8ut who cares.

VRISKA: The point is, as you can see the plan I descri8ed to you 8efore is in full swing.

JOHN: you mean the big treasure hunt, with all those black maps?

VRISKA: Yes. 8ut they aren't 8lack anymore! Not totally.

VRISKA: Everything's gone exactly as I intended. English has taken the 88, hook line and sinker.

VRISKA: He's 8een chasing our "extended party" around the ring, 8lowing shit up with his monster 8reath, thus revealing the path to the treasure in the process.

VRISKA: I must say, for an evil mastermind, the guy is kind of a dope.

VRISKA: Supposedly his every move is a carefully calcul8ted ploy to assure his existence in the first place, yet here he is wrecking the joint like an oaf, unwittingly helping the hero find the weapon that will finally take him down.

VRISKA: And we're almost there, too! Although 8y now it's 8ecome em8arrassingly o8vious that the treasure was hidden right around where we started all along.

VRISKA: These maps have just 8een leading us all in a 8ig stupid circle!

VRISKA: I should have seen it coming. I guess that's my 8ad. In terms of 8onehead moves, that's English: 1, Vriska: 1, so I guess we're even. 8ut may8e we don't have to mention that detail when we document my heroism in the annals of gr8tness.

JOHN: uh... mention what, exactly?

VRISKA: Exactly!

VRISKA: Haha, I almost forgot how deceptively quick you are on the uptake, John.

TAVROS: (tHAT'S NOT SO IMPRESSIVE,)

TAVROS: (i WAS CONFUSED BY WHAT YOU WERE SAYING, tOO,)

VRISKA: Tavros, if you're going to interrupt, don't mum8le. And even then, don't.

VRISKA: Anyway, I really don't mind the fact that these cryptic treasure maps have led us all on a wild honk8ird chase.

VRISKA: I've never once complained a8out a good long treasure hunt, and I'm not a8out to start now.

VRISKA: 8esides, with the way spacetime works out here, who can say for sure we would 8e a8le to find the treasure at all unless we traced this exact path?

VRISKA: No8ody can say that, is who. Least of all English, who as far as I know, can't actually speak so much as issue 8lood curdling roars that cleave the found8tions of reality itself.

VRISKA: You're of course welcome to join us on our adventure, for as long as you're asleep.

VRISKA: We could use another hand on deck. I'll even give you a rank and title!

TAVROS: yOU GET TO BE LOWER THAN ME,

TAVROS: tHAT'S THE FAIREST RULE,

VRISKA: Wrong.

VRISKA: Tavros, who's the captain here?

VRISKA: Last time I checked, it wasn't Swa88y Nitram, Poopmaster Extraordinaire.

TAVROS: }:(

JOHN: by the way, hi tavros.

JOHN: how have you been?

TAVROS: oKAY,

JOHN: cool pirate outfit you have there.

TAVROS: nO, tHANKS, bUT IT'S NOT COOL, IT'S DUMB,

TAVROS: vRISKA WANTS ME TO WEAR IT THOUGH, sO i DO, sO SHE'LL BE HAPPY,

TAVROS: dON'T ASK ME WHERE MY PANTS ARE,,,

JOHN: i wasn't going to.

VRISKA: We all look amazing as pir8tes.

VRISKA: This is non-negotia8le.

JOHN: no argument here!

JOHN: what about the rest of your crew?

JOHN: i remember her, the punky one who always likes to stab me with her spear...

JOHN: but i really hope she doesn't do that this time.

MEENAH: (dream on blue nerd)

MEENAH: (you in my crosshairs sucka)

MEENAH: (gotch u right where i want)

MEENAH: (just biding my time)

MEENAH: (biding and biding)

MEENAH: (gonna hunt you til we both double dead)

MEENAH: (you are my obsession lil bluefish)

MEENAH: (my shrimpiest of whales)

MEENAH: (my mobiest of dicks)

MEENAH: (call me)

MEENAH: (fishmael)

MEENAH: 3B|

ARANEA: (STOPIT!)

JOHN: but i don't know the one who looks kind of like your sister.

JOHN: what is your name?

ARANEA: Aranea. ::::)

JOHN: hi.

JOHN: and what about those two over there?

VRISKA: These are my friends, Aradia and Sollux.

VRISKA: I have recruited them for this expedition as specialists.

VRISKA: They aren't really here to do any fighting. 8ut their a8ilities will 8ecome useful once we retrieve the treasure.

ARADIA: hello.

JOHN: hey.

JOHN: are you alive?

JOHN: your eyes do not look spooky and ghostly.

ARADIA: thanks!

ARADIA: yes im alive

VRISKA: Yeah, and apparently she intends to stay that way?

VRISKA: Hence her principled if somewhat lame commitment to pacifism.

VRISKA: 8ut considering our history together, I'm willing to let 8ygones 8e 8ygones. I'm happy to have her on my crew in whatever capacity she likes.

JOHN: your history? what happened?

JOHN: wait, that's a rude question. sorry.

TAVROS: (vRISKA KILLED HER TOO,)

TAVROS: (sHE USED THE OTHER GUY THERE, tRAGICALLY, aS THE DEATH WEAPON,)

VRISKA: Hey!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: What did I say a8out 8ygones 8eing 8ygones? That's like rule fucking ONE of this ship.

VRISKA: Anyway, she 8ecame a ro8ot and killed me 8ack, so o8viously we're cool now.

JOHN: jeez, why does everyone always die so much?

SOLLUX: (l0l, like this guy's 0ne t0 talk.)

ARADIA: (sollux dont make our guest uncomfortable)

SOLLUX: (he's already unc0mf0rtable, and he sh0uld be. we all sh0uld be.)

ARADIA: really i havent thought about any of that in a long time

ARADIA: ancient conflicts dont mean anything to me anymore but i was more than thrilled by the opportunity to go on another adventure like this

ARADIA: we used to enjoy such campaigns together all the time when we were younger

ARADIA: of course now the teams are a little different :)

VRISKA: Yeah! Man, those were the days.

JOHN: what about you... why do you have double eye patches?

SOLLUX: uh, because i'm blind, stupid?

JOHN: i can't tell if you're alive too or not, because i can't see if your eyes are spooky.

SOLLUX: they're sp00ky as shit, but yes, i'm alive.

SOLLUX: 0k, here's the sh0rt versi0n. i used t0 be able t0 see, but then i went blind.

SOLLUX: then i used my p0wers t00 hard, and died. but it turned 0ut i was 0nly half dead.

JOHN: half dead?

SOLLUX: let me finish. s0 the gh0st half 0f me c0uld see again, s0 i was 0nly half blind.

SOLLUX: but then s0meb0dy pr0t0typed my c0rpse, which i guess sucked the gh0st half 0f me 0ut 0f my b0dy, t0 make me fully alive again? als0 fully blind.

SOLLUX: and n0w the gh0st part 0f my s0ul is sharing a sprite b0dy with FUCKING ERIDAN 0f all pe0ple.

JOHN: who's eridan?

SOLLUX: just the d0uche wh0 blinded me in the first place, it d0esn't even matter.

JOHN: um, alright. but i don't think i quite followed all of that.

JOHN: what does being half dead mean?

SOLLUX: y0u kn0w, f0rget it.

SOLLUX: i'm s0 sick 0f telling this st0ry t0 pe0ple 0ver and 0ver, and n0b0dy understanding what the hell i'm talking ab0ut.

SOLLUX: it's all s0 simple. n0, actually, it isn't, it's a fucking stupid st0ry that makes n0 sense, maybe that's the pr0blem.

SOLLUX: my marginal existence is fraught with s0 much p0intless duality and c0mplicated n0nsense, s0 i'm d0ne even trying t0 explain it.

SOLLUX: fr0m n0w 0n i sh0uld just wear a shirt that says d0n't ask me ab0ut my disability 0r my m0rtality. then everything w0uld be fine.

VRISKA: It's really kind of a shame Gamzee prototyped Eridan's torso parts and swiped his ghost from the afterlife.

VRISKA: I 8et he would have had a gr8 time on this voyage. I used to own him during our nautical campaigns all the time!

SOLLUX: if he was 0n this ship, i'd walk the plank and plummet thr0ugh the fake ass water thr0ugh infinite n0where f0rever.

SOLLUX: besides y0u act like y0u haven't already recruited at least fifty fucking eridans fr0m d00med timelines in y0ur army.

SOLLUX: y0u really are shamefully prejudiced against 0ur alternate reality gh0st selves, they're just as real as we are and have the same em0ti0ns and everything.

VRISKA: Gimme a 8r8k, Sollux. As if you don't view them the exact same way.

VRISKA: You've got real Eridan, and then pretty much a whole 8unch of pretenders out there.

SOLLUX: they're all real!!! SHIT, i d0n't even LIKE eridan, but here i am sticking up f0r his c0pies.

VRISKA: See? You just called them copies. Even you can't avoid accidentally using a pro8lematic slur which reveals that no matter what you 8elieve a8out your morals, deep down you're always gonna favor the original, while viewing all the others as duplic8tes of lesser value.

SOLLUX: 0h whatever. just WHATEVER, rati0nalize the "c0llateral damage" t0 y0ur army all y0u want.

SOLLUX: and t0 think, bef0re i j0ined y0ur party i heard rum0rs that y0u might have changed, like learned t0 be a better pers0n 0r s0mething, HEHEH, YEAH RIGHT!

VRISKA: Oh pleeeeeeeease. I hardly think I'm a 8ad person for failing to give a shit a8out a 8illion meaningless dead Nepetas, do you?!

SOLLUX: n0, y0u're n0t a bad pers0n f0r THAT PARTICULAR reas0n, i guess.

VRISKA: What am I seriously supposed to do? Fly around and 8efriend each one individually?

VRISKA: Sorry, I have 8etter things to do with my time. Let's try to 8e at least somewhat practical here.

ARADIA: ive met most of those nepetas theyre all very nice

VRISKA: Oh shut up.

JOHN: and what about all those ships up ahead?

JOHN: are they part of the treasure hunt too?

VRISKA: Of course!

VRISKA: That's my army.

MEENAH: *COUG)(*

VRISKA: Ok, I mean OUR army.

VRISKA: 8ut like, on 8oats.

JOHN: isn't an army on boats usually called a navy?

VRISKA: John, help me out. I seem to 8e having trou8le remem8ering which one of us is the captain.

VRISKA: Was it the dork in 8lue pajamas, or was it the veteran sailor in the rad captain's coat?

VRISKA: That's right, the captain was me! And I say it's an army that happens to 8e on a 8unch of 8oats.

TAVROS: (oHHHHHH, oHH DAMN,)

TAVROS: (hE GOT SMOKED! wOW, sO SMOKED,)

TAVROS: (mEENAH, dID YOU CATCH THOSE SICK FIRES,)

MEENAH: (no but for reel it pretty much is a navy)

MEENAH: (just sayin)

JOHN: who's in the army?

VRISKA: Thousands of ghosts. Primarily those of old friends and acquaintances.

VRISKA: We've amassed a coalition of eager volunteers ready to lay down their ghost lives for a worthy cause.

JOHN: you mean fighting lord english?

VRISKA: When we're ready for that, yes. 8ut we need the treasure first.

VRISKA: So for now they're sailing well ahead of us in large num8ers to attract his attention, so he can do more damage to the ring and fill out the rest of our maps.

VRISKA: We should 8e very gr8teful for their 8ravery. They are making a no8le sacrifice for us all.

TAVROS: (bRAVERY, yEAH, rIGHT,)

TAVROS: (i'M MOSTLY SURE SHE'S MIND CONTROLLING THEM,)

VRISKA: God DAMMIT, Tavros.

VRISKA: We really don't need your play 8y play commentary on everything!

JOHN: wait, you're mind controlling all those ghosts?

VRISKA: No!

VRISKA: Well, not all of them.

VRISKA: Once you group enough together, others tend to latch on to the mo8 out of curiosity. We trolls have a way of clustering together naturally.

VRISKA: You've got to understand, John. Most of these people are pretty self a8sor8ed. They just needed a little 8it of persuasion to join the cause.

MEENAH: word

JOHN: yeah, but...

JOHN: isn't that still kind of, um...

JOHN: dickish?

VRISKA: 8ut all these stu88orn jackasses are going to dou8le die anyway if we don't all work together and kill this guy!

VRISKA: This is WAR, John. In times of war, difficult decisions have to 8e made with the lives of many.

VRISKA: Just think of me as a general giving orders to my troops. It just happens that the orders are a little more direct in this case.

MEENAH: hey serket deuce

MEENAH: lets not lose track a whos actually in charge of this shit mkay

VRISKA: Yeah yeah.

VRISKA: All hail Her Imperious Teen Condescension, the fresh new face of tyranny, Supreme Admiral Peixes.

VRISKA: At this time I would like to motion for a fifteen minute 8owing 8r8k so that we may demonstr8te our reverence for this 8old, spunky leader.

MEENAH: yessssss

VRISKA: Tavros, stop 8owing. That was a joke.

MEENAH: no keep doin that

MEENAH: lower swabby

MEENAH: LOW-ER

MEENAH: face on the fuckin deck

MEENAH: yes just like that perfect

JOHN: how do you mind control so many ghosts at once?

JOHN: isn't that kind of hard?

VRISKA: Well, I do have a little help.

VRISKA: John, did I mention?

VRISKA: My ancestor........

VRISKA: She is THE 8EST.

JOHN: she is?

ARANEA: I must admit, I was not in favor of the idea at first.

ARANEA: 8ut Vriska made a very strong case for using our com8ined powers in this way.

ARANEA: In a perfect reality, no one would have to get hurt. 8ut the stakes are too high to 8e shying away from such measures.

VRISKA: See what I mean??

VRISKA: The 8est.

JOHN: uh.

ARANEA: It has 8een wonderful spending so much time on this adventure with my descendant.

ARANEA: Not just 8ecause it's helped me get to know her 8etter, 8ut 8ecause it's opened my eyes to things a8out myself I was never really in touch with.

ARANEA: There are certain capa8ilities within me I have never quite 8een a8le to face, and she's helped me realize I've 8een hiding from them all my life, and well 8eyond.

ARANEA: It must 8e true what they used to say on my world. That if you really want to know who you are, look to the legacy left 8ehind 8y your ancestor.

ARANEA: I think that wisdom works in 8oth directions!

VRISKA: Well put, Marquise. I've always felt the exact same way!

MEENAH: PUKE

MEENAH: oh my glub the serk twins bein adorbubble again

MEENAH: nitram get your mop ready for swabbin up all this vomit comin out ma mouth

TAVROS: eW, nO,

MEENAH: can you two stick a fork in the sentimental carp

MEENAH: maybe pretend you aint hit it off so good

MEENAH: you ever stop and think how this makes me feel

ARANEA: There's no reason to 8e jealous, Meenah. You know nothing has changed a8out our friendship.

MEENAH: jealous

MEENAH: bitch no

MEENAH: just makes me think about my kid descendant

MEENAH: an how instead of having this cool friendsy relation with her i just got this uncontrollable urge to stab her to death so she dont threaten my supremacy

MEENAH: which is a shame cuz she so cute 38(

MEENAH: cod damn my royal blood and the cray junk it makes me have to do

MEENAH: aw well

MEENAH: maybe some day ill find an heiress who my genes dont instinctively make me wanna murder on sight

MEENAH: then i can teach her the badass ways of being a boss n shit!

JOHN: (god, trolls are so weird.)

TAVROS: jOHN JUST SAID TROLLS ARE WEIRD,

TAVROS: hE SAID IT QUIETLY, bUT i HEARD HIM,

JOHN: hey!

JOHN: you snitch.

MEENAH: yeah but

MEENAH: arent we

TAVROS: uH,,,,,

MEENAH: moral of the story is blue kid is a dumb nerd but is right when he says stuff

MEENAH: look at that its like me and him are becoming fast fronds thus lulling him into a sense of false confidence already

JOHN: what?

MEENAH: (soon my lil whale...)

MEENAH: (soon...)

ARANEA: It is true. To a human, the ways of trolls from 8oth Alternia and 8eforus will seem very strange.

ARANEA: In fact, prior to uniting in the afterlife, even the two groups of trolls were reasona8ly alien to one another.

ARANEA: I've had a gr8 deal of time to study the cultures of many species throughout paradox space. No matter which race you 8elong to, one can always find another whose ideals pose a challenge of comprehension to even the most open minded.

ARANEA: And though the ethical standards of those from Alternia may seem unpalata8le to you, rest assured there are 8eings elsewhere in the cosmos whose violent 8ehavior would 8e considered extreme even to most trolls.

ARANEA: Actually John, I'm very glad you 8rought this up.

ARANEA: 8ecause I was in the middle of a wonderful story a8out this very su8ject, which you interrupted when you 8oarded our ship.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: sorry.

ARANEA: No, that's fine!

ARANEA: Really, I'm quite pleased that you did.

ARANEA: This way I get to start over from the 8eginning!

ARANEA: There were some rough patches in my original telling which I can go 8ack and fix.

ARANEA: This time it will 8e much 8etter!

JOHN: ok.

JOHN: what's the story about?

ARANEA: It is a tale a8out a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s.

ARANEA: Let us 8egin.

ARANEA: Once upon a time........

ARANEA: There was a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s!

MEENAH: aranea i thought you said youd fix the shitty parts of the story

MEENAH: you started with that crappy line the first time too

ARANEA: The opening line is fine!

MEENAH: its aight i guess

MEENAH: knot

ARANEA: Oh shut up and let me tell my story.

ARANEA: Now where was I?

JOHN: there was a very mysterious alien race called cherubs.

ARANEA: Right.

ARANEA: There was a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s.

ARANEA: 8ut there was one cheru8 in particular who, for at least the first half of our story, will 8e our heroine.

ARANEA: She spent eons roaming her galaxy, completely alone. 8ut the time had come for her to find a m8.

This is no small task for a cheru8. 8eing an asocial species, they spend virtually no time in each other's presence at all. Aside from when it is time to m8, they may go their entire lives without encountering another. And so they scatter their num8ers throughout space, each staking a territory spanning many lightyears.

8ut like a predator is a8le to track the scent of its prey, a cheru8 can sense the presence of another near8y. This sense is especially strong if that cheru8 shares the same qualities its other half once had long ago, 8efore it experienced the matur8tion process known as predomin8tion.

You see, when a young cheru8 hatches, it would appear that only one creature has 8egun its life. 8ut the appearance is not to 8e trusted. The young cheru8 actually consists of two completely distinct 8eings, a male and a female each sharing one 8ody. The two halves are endowed with polar opposite predispositions as well. One predisposed toward malevolence, another toward 8enevolence. Good or evil, if you prefer to deal in simplistic terms, or at least those which are convenient for the sake of this story! I prefer to view the dichotomy as a kind of moral alignment, like an attri8ute that dict8tes the choices a character makes in certain types of games I used to play. The male and female halves can 8e aligned either way, as long as they differ from each other. The resulting conflict 8etween the two personalities is central to life as a cheru8, 8oth 8efore and after predomin8tion.

Shortly after hatching, the two halves 8egin vacill8ting, taking turns controlling the 8ody. The only physical differenti8tion 8etween the two is the color8tion of their cheek swirls, which indic8tes alignment. There is otherwise no way to tell male and female apart 8efore a cheru8 predomin8tes. The vacill8tion process is demarc8ted 8y sleep. When the male goes to sleep, the female wakes up. And when the male wakes up, again the female sleeps. And so it goes, 8ack and forth like this, as the two identities vie for dominance over the other, and ultim8tely, permanent control over the 8ody. They grow to detest one another, and develop a view of social interaction centered entirely around animosity and confront8tion. For good cheru8s, this readies them for a long life of isol8tion, as they will prefer to avoid the sort of conflict that comes with social interaction as they have 8een conditioned to understand it. 8ut for evil ones, the contentious up8ringing only serves to fuel their inclin8tion to harm others.

And though this duality makes for a tormented childhood, the inner conflict it cre8tes is an extremely important part of a young cheru8's life. The defining part, actually. It is the struggle a cheru8 must overcome to mature, and this process culmin8tes in predomin8tion.

One half will prove to have a stronger will than the other. The less dominant half will then weaken over time, and it will eventually 8ecome clear to 8oth that one will not survive. The dominant personality will then completely consume the other, integr8ting it in such a way that only one is left. The cheeks will 8ecome solidly colored, and the cheru8 will grow to maturity as a single 8eing, endowed with the alignment of the dominant half, and with all his or her personal qualities at the forefront of the union.

In the case of our heroine, she was the good half, and the day of her predomin8tion was in a sense the day her 8rother died. And though it was to her 8enefit and personal growth, 8ecause of this loss she would always live with a sense that something was missing. Every sexually mature cheru8 lives with this feeling. It drives them to seek out another cheru8 similar to the half they lost, the part of their 8eing which they grew up in perpetual conflict with. The desire to travel the universe in hopes of reigniting that conflict is very important to their species. It's the force which compels them to procre8.

So she set out to track his scent, as it were. And soon, she found a physical trail as well. A path of carnage left 8ehind 8y a particularly destructive male cheru8. She followed the de8ris from civilized worlds and star systems he left 8ehind, as if to mock her, to make it clear he knew of her pursuit and was all 8ut paving her way with the dead. His 8rutality made her more furious, thus setting the mood, so to speak, for their imminent courtship.

A cheru8 of his alignment is seemingly motiv8ted 8y little other than to conquer and destroy. From a 8ioexistential perspective, they 8ehave somewhat like viruses attacking the system from within. 8ut as with all sym8iotic organisms living within a universe, there are 8alancing factors. While those inha8iting an evil cheru8's territory will regard it as an unpredicta8le tyrant, those in the territory of a good cheru8 will likely come to view it as a protector, waiting quietly for millenia in deep space, ready to attack any encroaching threat. In that sense, they are not unlike cells in a universal immune system.

This 8alance of forces allows sta8ility, such that life and new civiliz8tions can 8lossom and thrive within a universe, thus assuring the possi8ility of its own ela8orate procre8tion process. 8ut if that 8alance was ever distur8ed, it would lead to chaos in that 8iosystem. The universe could not survive for long. And if 8y some means a cheru8 with such destructive tendencies were to achieve unprecedented power, the resulting im8alance would 8e catastrophic for paradox space itself. And though the heroine of our story could have no way of knowing, this is exactly what would result from the pursuit of her kismesis.

Like humans, cheru8s perceive romance through only one quadrant. Unlike humans, their rel8tionships are exclusively 8lack. 8ut their m8ting ritual is much more violent than any practice trolls would, or even physically could engage in. And though it is critical to the perpetu8tion of their race, the confront8tions can sometimes 8e lethal to one or 8oth cheru8s. Regardless of the outcome, the stakes are always high. The winner of the duel will assume control of the other's territory, while the loser will slink away to 8ear the offspring. So as she toured the planetary wreckage, she knew her quest for a m8 was not just a8out the propag8tion of her species, 8ut the li8er8tion of 8illions from a monster.

She pursued him for many sweeps with mounting o8session, until one day the trail came to an end at a 8lack hole. Cheru8s typically seek out 8lack holes as the setting for their m8ting ritual. 8ut not any 8lack hole. Once long ago it was a star, and circling that star was a planet. That planet was home to one of the presently sparring cheru8s. The male in this case returned to the site of his hatching to m8, a loc8tion now conspicuously occupied 8y a truly massive 8lack hole.

This was where she found him. And this was where they would duel.

While an adult cheru8 is a fearsome creature, and would 8e a formida8le opponent to anyone in its unaltered st8, this is not the form in which they do 8attle with each other. The ritual is more extreme and physically demanding than any other kind of courtship or duel in the universe. The moment they meet, they will 8oth undergo a dramatic metamorphosis.

The m8tes will then duel as two vast frightening serpents, each an astronomical unit in length.

The tangled struggle 8etween the green aus is exceedingly 8rutal and can last for sweeps. While dueling in such a monstrous form, their energy is inexhausti8le. The transform8tion taps into the cheru8s' latent connection with the enigmatic forces presiding over all that is eternal, and perme8ting all those endowed with immortality. Normally this power is only accessi8le to them during m8ting. In this form, they are only a8le to 8e injured 8y one another, and are otherwise indestructi8le. Hence the ritual can never 8e stopped 8y an outside force until it is complete.

It should come as no surprise that in this story our heroine was victorious. Upon defeating her m8 she initi8ted the interlocking form8tion to complete the coupling, while assuming the dominant position, a stance undetecta8le to all 8ut the most astute o8servers of the zoologically du8ious. Consequently, the male was fertilized with the young.

He then slithered away in disgrace from the territory he'd just lost. A cheru8 looking to nest will search for a dead planet situ8ted near a massive dying star. The egg is deposited on the planet's surface, and the rising temperature from the expanding red giant will incu88 the egg until it is ready to hatch. Later in life, the cheru8 will grow wings, assuming it has matured properly. And if it has learned to fly well enough to reach a safe distance from the nest 8efore the star goes supernova, soon the hungry cheru8 will return and feast on the resulting stellar energy. Doing so allows it to gain enough strength to travel gr8 distances, and claim its own territory. The star will then collapse into a 8lack hole, serving as a distinct gravit8tional 8eacon to the cheru8 l8ter in life, so it may return there to m8.

As it happens, our heroine's m8 discovered Earth, long after it had journeyed to a new sun, and long since new civiliz8tions had risen and fallen. Now on the 8rink of destruction from its dying star, its 8arren accommod8tions were ideal for a young cheru8. There he deposited his single egg and flew away, never to return. No cheru8 ever spawns more than one offspring at a time, for it is every cheru8's destiny to grow up alone. Or alone on the outside, at least.

From that egg hatched one very special cheru8 with two names - one that few will ever know, and one that few should ever say. A fascin8ting thing a8out cheru8 reproduction is how the parent's alignment is passed on to the young. If the male lays the egg, the alignments of the child's two halves will 8e the same as the parents. If the female lays the egg, the alignments will 8e flipped, and the young male and female halves will 8e endowed with opposite alignments of the parents. As such, the male half took after his father. Perhaps the son even exceeded him in violent tendencies. It is hard to imagine there has ever 8een a cheru8 more willfully destructive or as stu88ornly dedic8ted to conquest than the monstrosity he would grow up to 8ecome.

Due to his indomita8le nature, I 8elieve victory over his sister was a foregone conclusion. 8arring a highly impro8a8le glitch in causality, it would 8e almost impossi8le for her to predomin8te over someone like him. And even so, he didn't have the patience to w8. Unfortun8tely for everyone to ever exist, he discovered a way to predomin8te early. Yet it was not this act alone that would prove ominous, so much as the means through which it was achieved. He was allowed to 8ecome the solo player of a game which his kind was never meant to play.

And so, it is with the predomin8tion of her son that our heroine's story ends, and the story of our villain 8egins.

ARANEA: Hey!!!!!!!!

ARANEA: Meenah, where are you going?

MEENAH: im takin a gaper break

MEENAH: god

ARANEA: 8ut the story isn't over yet!

MEENAH: girl your stories never end my bladder cant even deal

MEENAH: just keep talking while im gone

ARANEA: No, that's ok. We can w8!

MEENAH: i already heard the damn story though!

ARANEA: Not all of it!

MEENAH: glubber fuck cant you just keep yappin about snake sex while i hit the lil grubs room already

ARANEA: I'm afraid not. Everyone must listen to the full story.

MEENAH: omfg

MEENAH: you really are turnin evil arent ya

MEENAH: i would be proud except of how terrible and boring the actual consequences are for me personally

JOHN: wait...

JOHN: does that mean when you're a ghost you still have to pee?

MEENAH: none a your business blue kid

JOHN: that's so weird.

JOHN: am i the only one who thinks that's weird?

VRISKA: No, John. It's definitely pretty weird that ghosts have to pee.

VRISKA: You get used to life as a ghost pretty fast, though.

JOHN: but weren't you already pretty used to peeing when you were alive?

VRISKA: Yeah. That's why you get used to it pretty fast, dummy!

JOHN: this is kind of a stupid conversation.

JOHN: can we hear more about the snakes and whatnot? it was a pretty cool story.

ARANEA: Yes! ::::D

ARANEA: As soon as Meenah returns from her visit to the load gaper.

MEENAH: HOLY MACK-ER-EL CAN YOU S)(ITFUCKS JUST -ENJOY YOUR SPAC-E LIZARD PORN W)(IL-E I TAK-E A FUCKING PISS???

ARANEA: I think we could all stand to take a 8rief intermission from the story regardless, to let all these intriguing facts a8out cheru8s sink in.

MEENAH: ugh

MEENAH: you and your intermissions

MEENAH: what is with your intermissions they aint even intermissions most of the time

MEENAH: they just an excuse to tell another dumb story inside a longer dumb story

ARANEA: Yes, Meenah. You are correct, and your reserv8tions are noted.

ARANEA: However, would it change your mind if I were to propose not an intermission, 8ut........

ARANEA: An interfishin?

MEENAH: ...

MEENAH: ...

ARANEA: ;;;;)

MEENAH: fine

MEENAH: lets do the interfishin thing you said

MEENAH: cuz of fish

MEENAH: brb u scrubs

[calware]

Translation:

Ask: YOU-KNOW-YOU-CAN'T-REST-FOREVER,-I-KNOW-YOU-KNOW-THIS.-I-GUESS-I-CAN'T-DENY-YOU-YOUR-PEACE,-THOUGH.-IT-WOULDN'T-8E-RIGHT.I-STILL-WANT-TO-SEE-YOU-WHEN-YOU-W8KE-UP,-THOUGH,-OK8Y?-U+1F3B1-U+1F319

Reply: That would be nice, I think. Maybe five more minutes... I'd like to hit the snooze button for a little bit longer.

[U+1F3B1 and U+1F319 are in reference to Unicode Characters “🎱” and “🌙” respectively]

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