#if you have to ask if im making fun of mulder the answer is always yes

[is-on-its-way]

Breathe Peace

Episode:  s02e08 One Breath

Part 1, Part 2

·˚ ༘ ༊*·˚·˚ ༘ ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟﾟ･༘ ☾･ﾟ⋆･ﾟ:⋆·˚ ༘ ˚·˚·༊ ༘ ˚·⋆:ﾟ･⋆ﾟ･*☾ ༘⋆:ﾟ･⋆ ☾ ༘ ˚·˚·*༊ ༘ ˚·

Mulders POV He had never intended to tell her that, to tell her the only time he was able to sleep in the last weeks had been when he was so exhausted he could barely drive, but always found himself unlocking her door and collapsing on her couch just to smell the slowly decaying scent of her in the air, in that sweater; and dreaming about her coming through the door to him.

·˚ ༘ ༊*·˚·˚ ༘ ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟﾟ･༘ ☾･ﾟ⋆･ﾟ:⋆·˚ ༘ ˚·˚·༊ ༘ ˚·⋆:ﾟ･⋆ﾟ･*☾ ༘⋆:ﾟ･⋆ ☾ ༘ ˚·˚·*༊ ༘ ˚·

He picks her up from the hospital a week after she wakes up. She’d called him at work the day before to inform him she was getting out and to ask for his help getting to her place. He’d come every evening after her family had left to visit her, a mix of not wanting her to be alone for a second, and wanting to be alone with her. Mostly he brought all the food cravings she requested and they ate and shouted answers at Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and then watched reruns of whatever was on. He was really good at Jeopardy and she was really good at wheel of fortune. Yesterday, to celebrate her impending release, he’d brought her, her favorite greasy mushroom, fried egg, cheeseburger, from the local diner near work. When he pulled out a package of bright purple Snoballs, that had almost been an afterthought from the checkout counter, she’d insisted they eat them first because “Life is short!”. They split the package, squishing them together in a cheers before the first bite.

Her face lit up when he knocked on the open door. A mix of relief and excitement peaking out from behind Missy’s figure. “Hi Fox” she said. “How are you Melissa” he nodded at her. “Ready to get busted out of here?” He asked Scully, as he walked to the opposite side of her bed. “I told her I could do it but she insisted on you.” Missy looked at him with a slightly smug smile on her face. He pushed his lips together in answer and looked down at Scully looking up at him. “Alright well I’ll stop by tomorrow to make sure you’re settled okay sis?” She bent down to hug Scully goodbye. “Okay, thanks Missy” came Scully’s muffled voice from her shoulder. She smiled at Mulder before sweeping out of the room in a mess of layers of lace and boho skirts. “You kids have fun” she said at the door with a smirk. Scully rolled her eyes, and looked at Mulder apologetically. 

“She’s just happy Im back, full of the big sister energy she missed out on for a month and half.” A nurse came in with a wheelchair and started the checkout procedures with Scully. As she was being helped into the wheelchair, ‘just procedure’ the nurse had assured her, she looked up at Mulder. “Thanks for doing this. Missy would've had to drive my car and she’s a terrible driver.” Mulder chuckled as he picked up her bag. “Alright come on miss Daisy.” “Not you too.” She whined as he chuckled from behind her.

——— She walked through her apartment like a castaway adrift on her own ship. She’d grown more and more quiet the closer he drove her to her apartment. And had stood in front of the building for a solid five minutes before deciding to go in. Mulder standing silently with her, wondering if he should’ve taken her back to his place. 

She stopped to inspect everything like it was her first time here. She brushed her hand over the kitchen table as she walked from the living room to the kitchen. Mulder stood silently watching her with fascination. Wondering at how elegant she was despite everything. He cleared his throat. “Your mom cleaned up when you were in the hospital, just dusted and mopped. She didn’t want to go home but she needed a break so she came here.” “You guys stayed with me.” She knew the details of her family’s support already so he wasn't sure if this was a question. She didn’t turn to look at him just kept looking around, at the moment, the pantry. “Missy and your mom did, I…” He swallowed. She looked up at him. “I tried to find who did this to you so I could kill them.” He stated unemotionally. She blinked, swallowed and then her lips drew apart opening in such a familiar way. He was drawn back to long car rides and pit stops and her thinking face when he said something insane but worth a second thought. 

She said said “Oh” matching his statements emotion as she wandered to the fridge and ducked into it. He came as close as the dining table feeling like she was a tightly wound string about to snap. “She probably told you already but she brought you some food.” She stood up, still looking in the fridge. “But I can take you to the store… if you need something...” he trailed off, slightly perturbed by how she was being. In the hospital she’d been cheery, cheerier than he’d ever remembered. This change was worrying, but he didn’t quite know if he could or should attempt fix it. She shut the fridge, then turned her back to the kitchen to look out of the window. “I don’t feel like I missed anything, but everything around me feels different. Further away…” she said softly, far away herself. “The doctor said your memories could come back.” He was leaning against the kitchen entryway now, watching her. She was so lost being back here, he wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, maybe she should’ve gone to her moms. “I hope not” she said quietly as she turned around leaning against the window sill. She met his eyes for the first time. “Do you… did you find out who did this to me?” She asked. They hadn’t talked about it yet. Talked about what it was like her being gone. He shook his head looking down, ashamed. “I might have, but your sister” he sighed “She convinced me revenge wasn't going to wake you up, and if you… while I was… I would’ve regretted it forever.” She walked to him and brushed a hand on his arm as she wandered away.

“But we can try now. If you, you know, come back…” 

She disappeared around the corner.

“Or if you don’t…”

He found her in her bedroom staring at the window above her desk. “Its fixed” she said. “Yeah, I had the FBI cover it.” “Thanks.” She picked up the green sweater her mother had taken off the couch and folded. The sweater that felt like he had some ownership over, having spent the majority of his time he’d spent in her apartment asleep on her couch with it in his arms. “Did I leave this out?” “You left it on the kitchen table” when she looked at him confused he realized she had been asking no one, herself. “I slept here sometimes, on the couch…” He had to explain now. “I missed you” his cheeks burned. He had never intended to tell her that, to tell her the only time he was able to sleep in the last weeks had been when he was so exhausted he could barely drive, but always found himself unlocking her door and collapsing on her couch just to smell the slowly decaying scent of her in the air, in that sweater; and dreaming about her coming through the door to him. “Im sorry Mulder.” He laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about Dana.” He said softly. She looked away from him down at the floor.

“Im going to shower. Will you stay?” She found his eyes. “Please?” “Of course, whatever you need. Do you want anything? I can order pizza?” “No. I think I just want to sleep.” “You have to eat, I’ll heat up the soup your mom left.” She nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.

She came out half an hour later in a robe and silk pyjamas with white piping. He motioned to the table and put a bowl in front of her. “Are you eating” she asked as she picked up the spoon. “Yeah” he said sitting down with his own bowl of chunky tomato colored soup “I’m gonna miss your moms cooking.” He said off handedly searching for conversation. She looked at him for explanation as she took a spoonful of her moms version of Maryland crab soup with chicken instead of crab like she liked. “Your mom would bring me food sometimes.” He shrugged, he didn’t want to elaborate, if he did he’d probably start crying at the table at the generosity he never deserved. At the kindness her mom had for him when he was the one responsible for losing her daughter. He looked down into his soup and ate and after a minute feeling her eyes boring into him, she continued to eat as well. When they had finished, or as finished as Scully could manage he cleaned up and did the dishes. As he walked back to her wiping his hands on his pants he said “Okay I can come over tomorrow, the same time…” The panic in her eyes was clear. He faltered, the words dying on his breath. “Stay.” She begged quietly “Will you please stay?” “Of course” he answered automatically. He hadn’t wanted to leave really, afraid she would disappear, all alone here. He put a hand on her shoulder. “He’s dead Scully.” In answer she said “I’ll give you a toothbrush” she took his hand and he obliged her to the bathroom. They brushed their teeth standing together over the sink. He found her face in the mirror and she smirked at him through her toothbrush foam. He chuckled and said speaking to her reflection “I have to pee.” Just as muffled by his own toothbrush. She laughed and answered a muffled “Okay” When he opened the door she was waiting for him. “Night Scully.” He said as he made to make his way to the living room. She stopped him with a hand slipped around his forearm. “Will you…” she bit her lip as she looked into her bedroom. There was no discomfort in her asking him to sleep in her bed, just at the thought of being alone. He understood. He wished he could tell her how much he understood. Instead he took her hand and walked with her to her bed

They stood across from each other, the bed between them and he chanced a smile at her. “You cant sleep in jeans.” He removed them. She removed her bathrobe and slipped under the sheets. He climbed in after her and was careful to keep his body from touching her. She turned off the bedside lamp and lay facing him. “Will you hold me?” Came her whisper, he hardly heard it but knew from the moment she’d touched his arm, what she was asking for. Because his mind had been screaming for it too. He obliged without question or pause. He turned over and shifted his body to her, feeling her silky pjs on his legs. His mind blank except for this moment right now, after everything. There was no want or confusion. Happiness flooding him at being able to provide her the comfort she provided him in just being alive. 

The pure contentment of her being here and alive and in his presence. She had been lost. Gone and had returned. It was beyond feeling. It was cataclysmic. It was changing him in the depths of his soul.

They were partners and they were friends and they were entwined in ways they couldn’t quite understand but at the moment it didn’t matter what the definitions of their relationship were. Tomorrow they would return to normal. That was unspoken and understood. But tonight, they both needed the comfort of each other, they needed to disappear into each others bodies, in the purest way two people could. He enveloped her in his arms and she sighed with a small vocal “Hmm” into his chest, her head fitted under his chin, her arms tucked up against his stomach, hands resting against him. She fit her knee between his legs and he wrapped his around her thigh. “I cant believe you’re here.” he said into her hair. “I feel like I’m dreaming you.” “I’m happy I’m not dead too.” He chuckled, then sighed. “Goodnight Dana” his thumb brushing circles on the spot of baby soft skin behind her ear. “Night Mulder” she sighed back, as she burrowed her head closer into his neck, reminding him of a cat getting comfortable. They both slept a deep, unmoving sleep, staying entangled as they were when they slipped into unconsciousness. Their bodies demanding rest, after so long being awake, searching. After so long, being awake, unknowing, lost. When they woke in the morning they felt rested for the first time in a long while. They stayed entwined, holding onto each other for almost an hour, holding onto the peace between them, listening to each others breath. Dozing between waking and the twilight of shared sleep. They shared breakfast and a hug and he left her to her sister.

@today-in-fic 🙏

[thebidoctors]

mulder : hey, can you use that stingy stuff the doctors use before stitching me up, or is that dangerous for you?

scully : mulder, it' 'antiseptic', not 'anti-sceptic'

[tomcriuse]

@foxwulder asked: im interested in your answer to this. what do you think mulder was like at college, socially. give me all of your headcanon on this.

yeah idk why but every time i sit down to write headcanons, i end up writing an essay that could be true like none of it is grounded in. Anything

his first year, he was incredibly involved in his studies—obsessive almost. there isn’t a part of fox mulder that doesn’t love learning anything that he can get his grubby little goblin hands on. he would keep to himself, shy. quiet.

he spent a lot of time on his own. his apartment was just outside of campus, so he would spend mornings walking to class not quite seeing everything around him. if it was especially cold, he would stop and get some coffee at his favourite café on the corner of the cobblestone street where the door creaked when you opened it and the bell rang a little too loudly and the coffee was just a little too hot. every time he went there, the barista would see him coming from down the road and she would have his cup made before he walked in. he would smile kindly—awkwardly charming, almost—at the her and his hands would shake a little as he was counting out the change and he would comment on the weather like it was unusual, but the weather in oxford changes once a year and the barista would just smile in amusement and say see you tomorrow green eyes, and mulder would blink and rub the back of his neck and say see you tomorrow coffee girl. their interactions were short and limited to the five minutes he could spare on his walk, but sometimes he would bring her book recommendations or random fun facts that he learned from his school reading. it was small ritual, but it was but it was a great comfort that made him feel less alone.

he met his first real friends in one of his beginner psychology classes. mulder always sat in the second row—he thought that the first row was for the people who wanted to show off too much, and he thought the back of the room was for the people that didn’t care at all. he considered himself right in the middle and showed it in where he sat. it seemed that a lot of people felt the same way, because the entire row was empty save for him and two guys and a girl. there as a sort of unofficial official seating chart camaraderie. the boy next to him wore the same three wrinkled button up shirts in various shades of green and layered them with old sweaters with holes in them. the other boy was always put together—no matter if he got two hours of sleep or twelve. he wore designer suits in every shade and pattern imaginable. he never wore a tie but always brought a baseball cap to class, worn and old and stained. the girl recorded every lecture on her cassette player and transcribed them every night. her notes were detailed and organized and covered in coffee rings from the late nights. they were a group of ragtag kids—relics from different cultures cobbled together to create a beautiful sculpture.

since the first day of class, the boy with messy clothes and a charming grin would always come to class with no pen and no paper, and disarm mulder with his shy eyes and say hey man, can I borrow some? and mulder knew there was now borrowing, he was never getting it back but he couldn’t say no. he bought notebooks for him and cases of pens but he wouldn’t take them and so mulder just kept them in his bag and took them with him wherever he went. originally their interactions never went past that. it became their own unspoken language—a habitual tradition that followed them in everything they did.

this also means that whenever there was group work, which was quite often in a behavioral class, the four would always be assigned together. at first they would just meet in the library or sit on the lawn with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds, focusing only on the task at hand. the three of his classmates would mess around and mulder would through in a witty comment here and a sharp retort there, but he never told much about himself. all they really knew about him was that he was the american boy with messy hair, pretty eyes, and an unusually lanky frame. he wasn’t cold, but he wasn’t inviting. he didn’t want to get attached and lose more that he loved.

the more they were forced together, the more that mulder started accepting that he deserved happiness—that he didn’t have to push others away. that he deserved to be loved. they moved from libraries to his favourite café and from the lawn to the floor in someones apartment. they moved from homework to movies and witty anecdotes to stories. it was the first time that he had ever told anyone what happened to sam. they didn’t laugh, they didn’t ridicule. they told him that if anyone could bring her back it would be him.

every friday night, they would go to the indian food restaurant around the corner from his apartment and they would order half of the menu. they would laugh and argue about movies and psychoanalyse each other. they would be a little too loud and they would stay a little too long after closing and they would tip a little too much to make up for it, but they felt more at home in that restaurant than they ever did with their parents.

coming from old money in new england, the way that mulder was raised to appreciate people was through gifts. originally, he would buy sweaters new shoelaces or new wheels for his skateboard. he would buy mr perfect the ugliest ties he could find. he would buy the curly haired girl blank cassette tapes and hand-crafted mugs. but somewhere along the way, he wanted to give a part of himself to them to remember him by. he would hang out at the skatepark with sweaters at two in the morning. he would play soccer with mr perfect even though, if he had any choice, he would rather die than pick soccer over baseball.

it would be the small things. the way the curly haired girl would throw her straw wrappers at mulder when he told a bad joke. the way that sweaters threw his arm around his shoulder and leaned in like he was going to tell him the world’s greatest secret—the key to the universe. the way mr perfect would invite him to museum parties that his family forced him to go to, and the way that they would sneak off to the roof to watch the stars. listening to music as they counted the constellations. reading psychology books aloud. coming up with stupid conspiracies and trying to convince the other person that it was true. having paper airplane races. going to france for a weekend and trying every coffee place they could. trying recipes from thrift-store cookbooks that they ruin and end up ordering takeout. someone finding a small sunflower and giving it to him and him saying, we both know exactly what is wrong here. road trips to the countryside where there was a ufo sighting.

his greatest friendships in college were built on admiration and annoyance and fate and love.

at some point, people started to notice mulder. maybe it was his wild hair or his bright smile or his ringing laughter. maybe it was the way that he always kept his word or was always there for you if you needed to talk. everyone seemed to know him. he would say hello in passing to kids on campus and help you out in the library if you needed. but his focus was always on his friends—his family. outside of them, he had a couple friends maybe—acquaintances. people he would sit next to in other classes, someone doing peer review. fleeting.

it wasn’t that he avoided making other friendships, but it was that the bond between the four of them ran deep. they knew everything about each other—how crispy they liked the crust on their bread, how dark or light they like their coffee, whether or not they looped the end when they wrote a y, the way their eyes light up when they think of a comeback, the twitch of their eyebrows when they hear something that annoys them. it was nothing that you could learn from reading a book, but things only resulting from years of intensive study and firsthand experience. for every connection in their circle, one was a primary source and the other was a historian pouring over ever wrinkle and stain on the page.

however, when he met phoebe, things started going downhill. she would monopolize his time and steal him away from his family. she drove a wedge between them. it was his first real taste of betrayal—not his friends walking out on him, but someone who he loved driving them away. there was no more of the pure happiness that he felt with them. it felt wrong to take her to the places that they went together. he couldn’t eat indian food. he hated france. he bought everything new, nothing used.

it was like he was back to square one, almost: keeping to himself, shy. quiet.

[eraserheadbabies]

rules: tag people you wanna get to know better 🖤

tagged by @wallaceandgromit​ thank u legend

your name and then what you would have named yourself: rowan ! and idk what i would have named myself tbh...honestly i like the idea of keeping my first name and changing my middle name to jude and going by rj :)) but i dont mind my name 

astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): virgo sun, aries rising, aquarius moon

when did you join tumblr and why?: 2014-ish i think??? and it was for s*perwh*l*ck im sorry class

top 5 fandoms: ok i hate the word fandom BUT i guess i would say just film in general, always sunny, fob/mcr (i never grew out of my emo phase), x-files, and parks and rec lmao

top 5 favorite films: scott pilgrim vs. the world, the florida project, donnie darko, the social network, and the secret life of walter mitty

go to song when you wanna Feel something: right now its all these things that i’ve done by the killers

what’s your religion or faith if you have one?: i do not have one 

a song that makes you feel seen: chinese satellite by phoebe bridgers

if you could have any career: not to be that bitch but film director honestly

do you have a type?: tall, skinny, non-threatening men and every woman ever

what does your heart/soul yearn for: to not constantly worry about everyone secretly hating me i think

if you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: watch movies and be gay

favorite subjects in school: probably english bc im gay and mentally ill

where does your soul feel most at home: when i’m with my gf and my friends

top 5 fictional characters: jared dunn, ben wyatt, abed nadir, mac mcdonald, greg hirsch

top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry: the part in the good place where you learn that chidi wrote himself that note that says “there is no answer, but eleanor is the answer,” the bojack horseman episode where sarah lynn dies, (along with like. seventeen other bojack horseman episodes), and the part at the end of silicon valley where the interviewer asks richard “are you upset you didn’t get to change the world?” and richard says “i think we did okay”

the earth, the sun, the moon or the stars: the stars

favorite kind of weather: rainy and gloomy!!

top 3 characters you kin with: abed nadir, ben wyatt, fox mulder

favorite medium of art: tv/movies and music

introvert/extrovert/ambivert: introvert

a favorite literary quote: this one was hard and i’m not sure if its my fave but “Julia cared about Annemarie, but Annemarie didn’t see it. Because I was standing the way.” -when you reach me, rebecca stead

some of your favorite books: when you reach me by rebecca stead, the song of achilles by madeline miller, it’s kind of a funny story by ned vizzini, it by stephen king

if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: ireland!!

if you could live in any time in history when would it be?: the 80s or ancient greece lmao

if you could play any instrument masterfully it would be: drums

if you have one, what mythological god or goddess do you feel a connection to: i vibe with artemis

and lastly, favorite recent selfie in your camera roll: 

tagging: @windcrys​ @dogmotifs​ and even tho i know u guys well im also tagging @sharknados​ @milo-fanarts​ @strawberry-problems​ don’t feel obligated !! just thot it would be fun hehe :)

[alllthings-x]

Alphabet Tag Game

I was tagged by @oykamu fun! thank you!!!

a - age: 33 b - biggest fear: Um aside from the current events… my biggest fear is actually driving into a lake. There are a lot of lakes where I live and I HATE driving next to one at night especially with another car coming at me.. I love bridges though I’m weird c - current time: 8:20PM d - drink you last had: Alcohol or no alcohol? Diet Pepsi e - every day starts with: Getting out of bed later than I planned and then rushing around making sure my kid brushes her teeth and the fuzzy ones have food and water and have gone outside and then I hardly have enough time to do my hair and then I have to double check that unplugged the straightener and even though I KNOW I unplugged it I always end up running back as I’m on my way out the door to check AGAIN (and then I sometimes still question myself on my way to work lol) f - favorite song: Take it easy - The Eagles g - ghosts, are they real: Hmm… Im a cautious believer i guess. I was a big time believer I think before it started hitting close to home. Maybe it’s the other way around for some people idk. I have had weird things happen after people have died, I know that. I do want to believe.👽👻 h - hometown: Michigan i - in love with: the fact that it is not dark anymore when I leave for work now or when I come home!!! j - jealous of: I don’t think anything? Maybe people who can eat whatever they want all the time and not gain any weight? I’m not jealous of them though I guess, I’m jealous of their good metabolism 😂 k - killed someone: Well.. no l - last time you cried: Today while reading the news m - middle name: Marie n - number of siblings: 2 o - one wish: welp, to remember a lesson from the x files(I bet your surprised aren’t you ;) we can wish for big elaborate things, such as world peace, but obviously, we know how that turns out. So I’d like to wish for something that is truly achievable(and already in motion it seems). With everything that is going on right now, I wish everyone would shower kindness upon others. I’ve seen it happening lately. Fighting the hatred and standing up for the good. There will still be hate, but it WILL make the world a better place. Because it will make *someones* world a better place. A random act of kindness, a planned act of kindness, a smile, a nice message, reaching your hand out to help someone up who is less fortunate than you are. I just wish that everyone can realize that yes, YOU (and me:) can make a difference! p - person you last called/texted: Mama q - questions you��re always asked: I used to get asked why I never smiled. I have a resting bitch face like no other and I like it that way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I do actually smile though on my own terms thank u ⬇️) r - reasons to smile: being alive s - song last sang: Can’t feel my face lol .. in the car.. alone 😂 t - time you woke up: 6:30AM u - underwear color: Black + white v - vacation destination: I’m stealing Mary’s answer here and it is - I will go anywhere. Truly If I had the money to go everywhere I would. I’ve been lots of places, and now I’d like my daughter to explore new places too! w - worst habit: Going to bed late x - x-rays you’ve had: No clue but it’s a lot. Chest X-rays, those stupid mouth X-rays when you have to bite down on that plastic thing😖, broken bone X-rays hehe … the WORST X-ray memory for me was as a new nervous mom when my daughter was a baby. She had to have a chest x ray and you should have seen this contraption they strapped my child into. It was like a wooden chair maybe similar to what you would see in like the green mile lmao and it was horrifying(it worked really well though !!) y - your favorite food: PIZZA z - zodiac sign: Gemini

I’m tagging: @mulderina @youokay-mulder @myassbrokethefall @butyousavedme @lizzie1612 @snappingonthelatex @are-you-for-serial @becksndot5 @caichuai @therewillcomesoftrain @sweetpea323 @sunshinetoday @fernsehn