#ignore me its 2am and Im just frustrated and sad

[ladyofthelake]

I wonder what it's like to be popular and get your posts and edits and fests noticed 😔

[mywritingonlyfans]

ok i spent 20 minutes trying to find my angst prompts christ

so a long while ago (think before iwbys mv dropped) i share some angst prompts of what i think each of the band members would be anxious about

we are picking up damiano cause i am writing about him in parallel to this

i had made the assumption of damiano always overworking himself to succeed. he sees overworking himself is the only way he will trully have any chances to produce great work

"i feel like damiano is more likely to stress work, like burning himself out cause he thinks thats when he does his best work." to quote myself lmao.

personally, when im overworked i tend to be mor aggravated and moody, snapping easily and feeling sad and shitty

so imagine as his s/o, you see damiano working on lyrics from home over the winter. he sits on the couch, scribbling furiously every few minutes in a notebook of some kind

the next morning, you wake up and damiano isnt in bed. and he wasnt there when you went to sleep last night

so you go to the living room and he is sitting in pretty much the same spot, coffee on the table and a cigarette burning in the ashtray

you ask him about and he says he did sleep but woke up early to work

you doubt it at first but then you decide to believe him.

the entire day, dami is just sitting on the same spot on the couch, he hasn't moved in a certain 7 hours and he still is scribbling in that lyric notebook.

after some persuation he eats something and drinks something other than energy drinks or coffee (water) but he goes back to work instantly after that.

you understand he has to work but you are still mad that he is working non stop, giving almost no attention to you

you go to bed earlier that day, and you wait for him to come to bed until around 2am, when you lost hope and slept.

the next morining he is still there, with the addition of too many cans of energy drinks and too many finished cigarettes.

he actually looks dead and you try and talk to him but he doenst even aknowledge you.

for the entire day you tried to get dami to eat something or drink some water or to go lay down but he just shakes his head and works on the lyrics.

at this point hes been working non-stop for 3 days consecutively and you are worried

by night he keeps sighing loudly and scribbling on the notebook, getting mad at himself, sometimes even softly hitting his head. you know its from frustration but you couldn't break him out of the mindset. you had talked to vic and she had told you about this 'state'

at some point while you are sitting inside the bedroom, on your phone, you hear damiano curse very loudly after something fell on the floor.

you thought it was just a glass, so you got up to clean up and you just see damiano sitting on the godforsaken couch, this time looking down at the floor where water was spilt and where some tissues lay

(tw blood and mention of intrusive thoughts) (i am self projecting yes shush)

when you go there there you see the tissues on the floor also had ink on them

it was weird and it was weirder there was so much ink you could see from the kitchen

you go there and damiano is covered in water and ink, and on top of it, his hands are bleeding.

that was a traumatising sight in and of itself but seeing him with tear stained eyes made it worse

you slowly help him up from the couch to the bathroom to help him wash off the ink and to see why his hands were bleeding

while you tried to clean the ink from his chest, he explained how he was so stressed cause he forgot a deadline with the band (it was the next day)

so he pulled 3 all nighters to hopefully get different drafts of some lyrics, and every day he was slower but he didn't allow himself to rest in any way cause his brain thought it would slow him.

as a coping mechanism he would scratch his hands a lot, hence why they were bleeding, especially where his tattoes are

he couldn't get work done since his in his mind "finish the song, meet the deadline, no matter what" played on repeat and he was really mad at himself and thought he just sucked at lyrics

he was so worried about not meeting the dealine and disappointing the others that he didnt allow himself to do anything but try and write lyrics, all because his stressed brain made him think the others would be really mad at him and hate him (yay anxiety)

he bit down on his pen too hard while he was thinking and broke it, and got his face covered in ink

he still didnt want to get up so he tried to take it off with tissues and water but he dropped the cup and the water.

he didnt want to bother you either cause he knew you would try to break his 'concentration' (anxiety fueled all nighters) and he wouldnt get anything done, plus he thought you were mad at him for ignoring you while he worked

this whole time you were washing the ink off you re-assured him constantly, both about himself and the band members forgiving him for the dealine, and also about his self worth as a lyric composer

then you help him out of the bath and to your bedroom, putting some cream on the irritated skin to help it somehow heal and you forced him to stay bedbound while you cleaned up

then you go lay with him and obligatory cuddles ensue

he falls alseep almost instantly and you just sit there petting his hair, still in disbelief cause you didn't know damiano got so stressed so bad

you made a mental note to always supervise him when he seemed stressed

it scared me a but but it looks good, i mean worryingly good... you're doing great babe!!!

[lgbtyrus]

Two Exes on Mars

A Tyrus fic where they’re aged up + broken up :) It will have a ‘happily ever after’, I promise. Note: IDK if you know your Andi Mack lore, but just in case, Shadyside is in a fictional US state called Midwest.

Part 1/? (I’m thinking 3 or 4)

Words: 2,668

He kissed him goodbye. It wasn’t even rainy or cloudy outside, much less foggy. It was super bright and sunny, and Cyrus could hear every single bird in Shadyside chirping as his now ex-boyfriend walked out the front door of his house. He waited until TJ was out of his driveway to shut the door and break out in tears, pressing his forehead and fist against his door.

Why? he wondered. Why? Why? Why?

But he knew why. He knew why TJ had let him go in the worst breakup in the world. He had tried to a week ago which led to Cyrus breaking down in front of him and ended up with them back together. But the tension between them was so obviously, and it lead to TJ’s horrible mood swings and random outbursts he never apologized for. It made Cyrus feel like crap. Then in the middle of the week, TJ tried breaking up with him over text. Cyrus ignored it, and TJ went over to his house the next day like nothing had happened. Not even three days later, TJ came over to break up him a third time. For good.

That just happened two minutes ago, and Cyrus silently let him leave this time. He shouldn’t have ever let him see him cry.

“You have to go to California, Cyrus,” TJ had told him, his eyes red and his hands clenching into tight fists. All Cyrus could do was stare at the floor. It’s not everyday you get a chance to go to USC, but it also meant leaving everyone you loved behind- including TJ. Him and TJ had been together since the 8th grade, and he had included TJ in all of his future plans. For him, being in a long distance relationship was a possibility, and he never thought TJ would be against it.

“I want to go to MSU,” Cyrus shook his head, refusing to look at him. TJ was going to MSU on a basketball scholarship, and yeah, they had a theatre and screenwriting, but it wasn’t USC. It was one of the hardest choices Cyrus had to make.

“You’re clearly lying, Cyrus,” TJ let out a frustrated sigh, “I know when you’re lying.” It’s true, he did. His hands always instinctively went inside a pocket, and Cyrus has never been able to stop it. “Cyrus. I know I’m the main reason why you want to stay in Midwest, but I want you to go to USC. It’s what you want.”

“Does that mean we have to break up, though?” Cyrus asked him sadly, his voice quiet. TJ ran his fingers through his blonde hair and let out a deep breath.

“We’d be doing long distance for four years, Cyrus. I don’t want to hold you back from being at your prime if you’re moping around missing me the entire time.”

“Are you just saying this because you’re the one that’s not going to be fine?” There wasn’t even a pause.

“Yes, Cyrus!” TJ said loudly, startling Cyrus. “I can’t spend four years of my life being sad because I miss you all the time, but I also can’t live with the guilt I’m going to feel if you don’t go to USC. This entire situation is driving me insane, and I really think breaking up is the best way to go.”

“You honestly think that?” Cyrus frowned, looking right up at him. He didn’t want to break down like he did the first time. “You’re just giving up? Not even giving long distance a try. After five years, TJ?”

TJ shamefully looked away before saying, “I love you, Cyrus. But I think it’d hurt less to let you go.”

“How?” Cyrus’ voice started to tremble as he spoke in complete disbelief, “How can you even say you love me right now?” TJ didn’t say anything. He just slowly walking up to Cyrus, each step taking its own time before cupping his face in his hands and kissing him softly.

TJ pulled away, whispering, “Bye, Cyrus.”

Cyrus was now sitting on his bedroom floor, playing music louder than his occasional sob. Andi and Buffy were on their way, but until then, it was him, and a lone polaroid picture he had of him and TJ on their first Valentine’s Day together right in front of him. Him and TJ were sitting on one side of the booth at The Spoon while Marty and Buffy sat on the other side. TJ had his arms around him and was smiling in to his cheek, leaving a very fluttered Cyrus to be captured forever.

“Cyrus!” someone yelled out from downstairs. “We’re here.”

“Upstairs!” Cyrus yelled out, his voice slightly cracking. He hadn’t spoken since TJ left, and his throat hurt. He was glad he left the door unlocked for them because he didn’t have the energy to move.

Andi peaked her head through his bedroom door, frowning when she saw him, “Hi, Cyrus.”

“Hey,” Cyrus waved, “come in.” He hadn’t seen Andi in about three weeks was she was getting busy with her senior art project for SAVA. He loved her for being here during a busy time. Buffy trailed in behind Andi with two loaded grocery bags.

“We brought ice cream and pie,” Buffy held the bags up. “We stopped by your kitchen to get utensils.”

“Thank you because I was not going to move,” Cyrus said. Andi and Buffy sat down on each side of him and rested their heads on his shoulder.

“You can cry if you want,” Andi told him.

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, “we bought three tissue boxes.”

“I’ve been crying for like an hour, and I’m just tired of it at this point. But this is also probably just the start,” Cyrus mumbled. “How am I supposed to accept that someone I talked to everyday for five years is leaving my life?”

“I know it hurts, Cyrus,” Buffy whispered. “But you’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this. Trust me. I’m always right.”

“I know you are,” Cyrus smiled slightly. “You know what sucks the most though?”

“What?” they asked in unison.

“We already have matching tuxedos from prom.” -

Cyrus and TJ showed up with new tuxedos to prom. Andi herself made Cyrus a brand new one. The according to different sources, both Cyrus and TJ had both begged Gus to cancel their Prom Court nomination. Gus thought it was funny until Buffy stepped in, and he got scared.

Cyrus and TJ didn’t sit together at lunch anymore or do homework together or visit the swing sets every Tuesday after TJ got out of tutoring. Cyrus submitted his paperwork to attend USC in the fall and according to Amber who was at Shadyside’s community college, TJ was going to go to MSU to play for their basketball team. Buffy and Marty would be seeing him at MSU seeing they got track scholarships.

Cyrus cried every night for the rest of the school year after finishing his homework because he worked to hard to have his GPA suffer over a boy who clearly didn’t care if he fell apart. He sometimes sat in the bathtub and let music fill his whole bathroom and no matter what, every single song would remind him of TJ. Of course, that was his fault for playing the playlists TJ had made him on Spotify. He wondered if he could see that he was listening to them. He hoped he did.

Cyrus didn’t have any communication with TJ since the last texts he sent him. It was a 2AM on a Saturday night, about three weeks since the breakup. He felt horrible and didn’t know how to stop crying. Even though Buffy had told him to call him whenever, he couldn’t keep dumping everything on her.

Cyrus: hey tj I hope im not waking u up idk if you still have your phone set so that u only get text alerts from me but I just wanted to say that I miss you.

Cyrus: I miss you so much tj idk what to do without you. Everything hurts all the time and I just want to talk to you and hear you voice even if we cant date anymore please talk to me. Please be my friend again tj we were best friends for 5 years we work so good together

Cyrus: I love you. I think that ill always be in love with you.

TJ: Goodnight Underdog.

Cyrus didn’t remember what time he went to sleep, but he felt like he cried for hours after that. The pain in his chest beat him up completely until he was too weak to flip his pillow to the dry side.

At their graduation, Cyrus gave a speech and then walked off stage to everyone in the auditorium clapping. It felt surreal. When he looked up smiling, out of all of the people he saw in the sea of graduates, he saw TJ clapping. He had his lip curled up in one corner which showed that he was on the verge of tears. That was the only time that night Cyrus wanted to cry.

-

A month into USC and without a doubt, Cyrus was homesick and probably depressed. He had made a great group of friends that were similar to him and super positive. He appreciated them, but 8 out of 10 times, they could never convince him to leave his room. He just stayed in and did homework and work on his script. It was about a man who gets his heart shattered and decided to move to Mars as part of a science experiment and when he’s already in space, he realize that his ex is one of the 100 people on board. Things quickly escalate. His friends loved the scripts and always asked to read updates, but he still sent snippets to Bex because he missed her.

It had been months since the breakup with TJ that happened late April. He should be over it now, he thought a lot of the time. But it still hurt. TJ really shot a hole in his heart and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t cry everyday like he used to. But every other few weeks, he snuck into the bathroom to cry so his roommate wouldn’t see. It was embarrassing to admit.

Cyrus kept things in a rotation. Script, class, eat, homework, sometimes friends, and sleep. It was hard to stay happy and to enjoy himself. It was hard to feel like he was living through something when he’s been dead inside for months. With Halloween coming up, he felt even worse. He’s never not had anyone to match costumes with. For five years, him and TJ did a couple’s costume and before that, him, Buffy, and Andi always had something up their sleeves. He missed all of them.

Then one day, his roommate let one of his friends into their dorm room. His roommate was part of his friend group, so there was that. Cyrus was working on his infamous script and didn’t even get a text that he was coming. Usually, he said no, though. “Hey, Rich,” Cyrus said as he walked in.

“Hey, Cy,” he said. “I was in the building and wanted to drop by.”

“Why’d you text Karson and not me?” Cyrus asked.  

“You always say no.”

“True. Anyways, what’s up?”

“We need one more person for our Halloween costume. It’s Full House. We need an Uncle Jesse. You in?”

“Yeah,” Cyrus grinned, “of course.”

-

“Damn,” his friend Bogie said. “That TJ foo fucked you up bad, huh?” All eight of them were sitting around a bonfire before Thanksgiving break. It had been a long night of confessions and telling each other things not a lot of other people knew. Somehow in the moment, Cyrus spent thirty minutes telling them the becoming and downfall of him and TJ. Rich had convinced him to go to therapy on campus early November, and Cyrus wished he had gone sooner. It was getting so much easier to be around his friends and have open conversations.

“Yeah,” Cyrus admitted. “I cried everyday for months. I still cry sometimes.”

“Is that why you spend forever in the bathroom?” Karson asked him. Cyrus nodded.

“Damn, Cy,” Roxana mumbled, “no wonder you were so distant at the beginning of the school year. I thought you were just stuck up, but I guess I was wrong. I’m glad you trust us now, though.”

“Me, too,” Cyrus said.

“So, this TJ,” Bogie asked, “what’s he up to?”

“Besides knowing that he plays basketball for Midwest State U, I have no idea. I haven’t talked to him since I last texted him after the breakup. I’m still good friends with his sister, but she never says anything.”

“Dang, so he’s a baller?” Bogie asked.

“Probably just getting fucked up at parties,” Mikhenna suggested. Cyrus didn’t respond. He just shrugged.

“Do you still love him?” Roxana asked him.

“I don’t think so,” Cyrus shook his head. “I’d be stupid to. But thanks for listening, guys. I feel a lot better. I feel like I belong and that I can finally move on.”

-

Cyrus didn’t see the point of flying all the way back home for a week long break, so he decided to stay behind in California and take a train to his aunt and uncle’s place. They had a daughter that thirteen and always had juicy middle school drama.

When he was laying down on the bed of the guest room, his phone started vibrating. Buffy was on Facetime, and he answered immediately saying, “Hey, Buff.”

“Hey, Cyrus,” Buffy grinned widely before switching the camera, “look who’s with me!”

Andi waved at the camera, “Hey, Cyrus!”

“Andi,” Cyrus grinned. “How are you? We haven’t talked in like four days.”

“I know right,” Andi laughed. “I’m fine. What about you?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” he said before registering completely that Andi was in Shadyside. “Wait,” he paused, “aren’t you supposed to be in Pennsylvania?”

“Yeah but a professor died, so they gave us two weeks off instead of three days and just postponed winter break.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea who he is,” Andi shrugged. “But where are you?��

“With my dad’s sister and her family. I’m just chilling and eating home made food before I go back,” Cyrus smiled. Andi moved over to sit next to Buffy and Cyrus noted that they were at the Mack’s place.

“So enough of that,” Buffy said and then looked at Andi who gave her a stern look. “Come on, let me tell him.”

“Well now you have to tell him,” Andi rolled his eyes.

“That’s very true,” Cyrus agreed.

“I know,” Buffy smirked. “That’s why I said that. Anyways,” she looked right at the camera, “we went to the mall with Amber in her car, but it broke down in the parking lot when we were leaving. She had to call TJ to come pick us up, which was already awkward enough because I always ignore him at school, but I was like whatever, it’s a twenty minute drive. Then in the car, literally, this man, I mean, boy, can ask any question. Any question in the world. Preferably, one directed at his sister, like you know, has your car been acting funky for a while? But he asks me and Andi, ‘How is Cyrus doing?’” Cyrus’ heart dropped. He hasn’t heard anything about TJ in so long he’s forgotten how to react.

“What did you say?” Cyrus asked nervously.

“I said that I charge $50 per fact,” Buffy said, “and he didn’t say anything else.”

“That’s weird,” Cyrus frowned. “I wonder why he doesn’t just ask Amber. I literally call her once a week, every Tuesday.”

“No idea,” Buffy said. “But maybe she just doesn’t answer him for the same reasons I didn’t.”

“Which are?”

“We love you.”

-

anyways follow my main @webarebares <3 thank you for reading! feel free to send asks if something was confusing or if a typo was horrible or just because. i luv u.

[johnnysnostril]

Without You

chapter sixteen

**present day**

ivy’s pov

playing with my fingers as i sat in front of mark, i placed my hands in my lap.

“i can tell that something is bothering you.” he voiced.

i slightly sighed and bit my bottom lip.

i couldn’t just come out and say it. i was too scared.

i didn't want to break anyone's heart. but i didn’t want mine to be broken either.

i was stuck. between two men. two great men.

mark reached down to hold my hands and squeezed them tightly.

“just say it.” he whispered.

i looked up at him, with sadness in my eyes.

“i’ve never been in this type of situation before.” i whispered back. “i never thought that i would actually like someone this much.”

he smiled, thinking it was him.

but it was johnny.

i gazed down at his busted lip.

“what happened?” i questioned him. “tell me the truth. i know johnny didn’t do that to you.”

running my thumb across his bottom lip, i felt the roughness of his scab. mark tilted his head a bit, glancing down at my lips too- before closing his eyes.

“at the party..” he started. “i got really drunk. there was this guy there, who kept taking shit.”

i furrowed my brows.

“what was he saying?”

mark shook his head.

“that doesn’t matter, ivy.” he released my hands, running his palms down his face.

“he was getting ready to leave and i followed him- we fought in the front of the house and that’s it.”

i thought for a minute.

“why did you fight him, mark?”

he was becoming frustrated with my prying.

“because, i have all this built up anger. i just needed to release it. i have anger issues.” he groaned in an honest tone.

my stomach was turning in knots. i never thought that he would be the one with the anger problem.

“is that why you and johnny...”

“yes.” he interrupted. “he’s always so hostile with me. that night, i seen an outlet and i took it.”

my chest was starting to become heavy.

“so you only fought him because you were just angry? not because of how you felt about me?”

he immediately shook his head, snaking his hand to the back of my neck.

‘that’s not what i meant.” he whispered as he nudged his nose against mine.

“i’m very attracted to you- but that night, i was just angry. look for a fight with anyone who would accept the invitation. and he bought into my anger.”

mark leaned in for a kiss, but i turned away.

his expression on his face changed.

“you're lying.” i said standing up.

he didn’t like me. he just wanted me because johnny wanted me. he wanted to make johnny upset, just by being around me.

“you used me for an anger outlet.” i said hugging myself.

mark furrowed his brows and stood up with me.

“that’s not what happened at all, ivy. don’t do that.” 

reaching for my hand, he started to come closer to me.

i held out my arm, keeping my distance as i walked backwards towards the door.

i felt slightly numb. like this was the first time that my heart had ever been broken.

it wasn't, but that’s not the point.

“please. just stay away from me.” i whispered as i walked out the door.

jaehyun’s pov

after practice, i decided to go to the basketball court. just to think a little.

as i dribbled the ball through my legs, the only thing that kept running through my mind was alonna’s picture.

she must've sent it to him. there was no other way that he would have got that picture.

but, why would she do it? after everything he put her through. maybe she really did still love him.

taking my frustration out on the court, i did a few layups before i noticed my phone going off.

i tilted my head as i approached the bench.

alonna was calling.

i hesitated to answer the phone.

*ring. ring ring.*

it kept ringing and all i could do was stare at the screen.

her caller ID was a picture of us, smiling like we were happy, at least, i thought we were.

the call ended, popping up with a missed called.

i sighed, taking a seat on the bench and closing my eyes.

the phone rang again.

this time, i answered.

“jae!” i heard her yelp through the other end.

“why are you ignoring me?” she cried.

“i’m not ignoring you, alonna. i’m at the park- trying to play basketball.” i said softly.

“i’ve called you 10 times already.. i need to see you. which park are you at?” she asked.

“can we please just wait until tomorrow..” i leaned my head back, looking up at the moon.

“this cant wait. please, jae... if you love me, you’ll hear my side..” alonna pleaded.

i hated the tone of her voice when she did that. made me feel so terrible.

i exhaled loudly, shaking my head.

“sunridge park..” i finally announced.

alonna quickly hung the phone.

alonna’s pov

hopping out of the uber, i thanked the driver- running over to the basketball court.

coming over the hill, i seen jae by himself- throwing the ball inside the hoop.

i was nervous about this conversation.

i just needed to know what was said.

“jae..” i called out for him as i approached the court.

he ignored me, picking up the ball as it bounce on the black asphalt.

i folded my arms around my chest, stepping onto the court and under the lamp-post.

“can you stop ignoring me please...” i whined as i made my way over to the large pole that held up the hoop.

jae slightly lifted himself off the ground, making the jump shot.

i quickly caught the ball before it made it to the ground.

he looked over at me, breathing heavily.

he stared at me for a moment before making his way over to me, reaching his hand out for the ball.

i slipped the ball behind my back, hiding it from him.

“not until you talk to me.” i whispered. 

i was fighting back tears as he stared down at me.

“what do you want me to say?” he finally spoke.

“i know you spoke to tae.. what happened?” i asked.

jaehyun rolled his eyes and reached for the ball again.

i smacked my lips, throwing the stupid basketball to the other side of the court.

“fucking tell me what happened! what did he say to you, to make you mad at me?!” i yelled.

his face was calm. he didn't move a muscle.

“i think that’s the first time you’ve yelled at me like that.” his tone was deep and raspy. almost like he was about to cry.

“communicate like the grown man that you claim to be.” i shouting, pushing his chest back. 

shutting his eyes, he stepped back a little- losing his balance.

jaehyun’s pov

i glued my eyes down to the floor. i wasn’t too sure on how to express these emotions. this was our first serious fight and i was terrified of the outcome.

i nodded my head.

“alright. let’s communicate then.” i started. “how did he get it..” 

“get what?” she asked in a confused tone.

my anger was starting to boil in my throat. and seconds later, i found myself spilling over.

“how the fuck did he get the picture, alonna?” i shouted, breathing a little heavy.

alonna didn’t flinch at all. she stood in front of me with her arms crossed.

“i have no idea what you’re talking about jaehyun.”

i breathed a laugh, waving her off and walking to the bench.

“stop playing dumb with me. you know what the hell im talking about.”

i was starting to see black. my eyes were clouded with frustration. i knew she was lying to me.

as i sat down, lowering my head- i cupped the back of my neck.

alonna slowly made her way over to me, kneeling down in front of me.

“babe, i honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

her attitude switched once she noticed that i meant business.

i wasn't going to play this game with her.

i shut my eyes, trying to calm myself down.

alonna placed both hands on my thighs, tilting her head to meet eyes with me.

“i don’t know what he told you- but i haven’t spoke to him since the night of johnny’s party.” she admitted. “i told you what he said to me in the pool house. he said, from his own mouth, that he hurt me on purpose. why would i need to speak to him after that, jae?”

cupping my chin, she lifted my head.

“i would never do anything to hurt you. he’s just trying to get in your head.” she whispered.

“he has the picture that you sent me..” i voiced hoarsely.

alonna chuckled then sat on the ground with her hands in her lap.

“i can’t believe he would go this far...just to hurt me.” she mumbled.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

she sighed and ran her fingers through her long hair.

“he has access to my icloud. he must have signed in with my password and went through my shit..” she admitted.

i shook my head, clasping my hands together.

“why does he have access to your icloud, alonna?” 

she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

“because, he wanted to make sure that i wasn’t seeing someone else, while i was with him..”

as she looked off to the side, a tear ran down her face.

now, i was starting to feel stupid.

“he sees that someone actually cares about me, and he just wants to ruin it all..”

alonna shut her eyes and hugged herself.

swallowing my pride, i fell to my knees- wrapping my arms around her.

“i should have just listened to johnny.. i’m so fucking sorry, babe.”

she quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged back.

she softly laughed in my ear and shook her head.

“johnny? what did he say?”

placing small kisses on her neck, i mumbled against her skin.

“that you would never do anything like that, and that i was stupid for even thinking it was true.”

she pulled back, looking up at me- with sad eyes.

“he really said that...?” she questioned.

i nodded.

“now i feel bad for being mean to him.. he was on my side..”

johnny’s pov

i tossed the blanket from over my head and furrowed my brows.

“who the hell is it?” i groaned as the knock on the door continued.

no answer.

“i swear to god if its the cleaning people...” i mumbled. “the do not disturb sign is on the door!”

throwing my feet into my house slippers, i looked over at the clock.

“it’s 2am!” i shouted.

i rubbed my bare stomach, dragging myself down the stairs.

my pajama pants just barely clung to my hips, but honestly, i didn’t care. like i said, it was 2am. whoever was at this door was about to get a mouth full.

rolling my eyes, i swung back the door.

“what the hell do you-... ivy?” i said blinking quickly.

this had to be a dream. ivy was not standing in front of me.

rubbing my eyes, i blinked a few more times.

she was still in my doorway, dressed in an oversized hoodie and leggings.

“i’m sorry.. i didn’t even think you were going to be here- let alone be sleeping..”

i messily ruffled my hair, trying to fix it.

“i’m sorry..” she repeated, waving her hands in front of herself.

backing away from the door, she began to walk away.

i shook my head, stepping out of the doorway and reaching for her hand.

“don’t.” i whispered. “please, come in.”

i took her hand, pulling her inside the room and shut the door behind her.

she awkwardly stood in front of me, pulling her sleeves over her hands.

“would you like something to drink?” i asked, pointing towards the kitchen as i walked in that direction.

ivy shook her head and bit her bottom lip.

swallowing hard, i pushed down my emotions.

all i really wanted to do, was pick her up and kiss her.

i was excited that she was here. did that mean that she accepted my apology?

ivy followed behind me, sitting herself down in one of the chairs.

i laughed as she ran her sleeve against the counter in front of her.

“you might wanna get up.”

ivy slightly smiled. “why?” she answered back in a soft tone.

“your sister and jae had sex on that chair.” i said popping open a redbull.

ivy pretended to vomit as she stood up, quickly.

i shook my head and leaned against the fridge.

she frantically wiped off her butt and groaned.

“so gross.” she mumbled.

i stared at her for a moment, taking her features in.

she looked back at me, biting her lip once again.

the room filled with silence.

there was so much tension in the air, i felt like she was feeling exactly what i was feeling.

“why are you here, ivy?” i said cutting to the chase.

she shrugged her shoulder and sighed.

“i was trying to figure out a way to apologize to you- without looking stupid.” she laughed.

i watched as she walked closer to me, standing on the other side of the counter.

“i went to see mark.” she started. “on the way there, i was practice for how i was going to tell him, that i just couldn’t-” ivy glanced down at her feet.

“well, whatever you wanna call it.. i couldn’t do it anymore.”

i could tell she was slightly panicking, from her body language.

“because, after you left from the restaurant.. i couldn't stop thinking about you.” she mumbled quietly.

i smiled at her words. i knew this was taking a lot out of her to admit to the way she was feeling.

“then after, i talked to alonna about everything. she really made things- more clear, if you will.”

ivy shut her eyes, lowering her head.

i gently set my can on the counter, licking my lips and moving in front of her.

“i guess, all im trying to say is that..” she lifted her head, opening her eyes.

inhaling sharply, she placed her palms on the counter behind her, to lean back a little.

i slowly snaked my arms around her waist, pulling her against my chest.

“you’re saying that you want me?” i grinned.

ivy’s eyes were screaming of lust. i watched as her chest began to quickly rise and fall.

“i wanna hear you say it.” i whispered.

lowering my head to her neck, i breathed against her skin.

she smelled so good.

moving her hands around me, she clutched at the waistband of my pants, tilting her head to give more access to her neck.

placing soft kisses against her neck, i felt her body shiver. 

her breathing hitched in her throat as i gently sank my teeth into skin.

“tell me that you want me, just as bad as i want you- ivy.” i groaned.

as she ran her hands up my back, she sank her fingernails into my skin.

“i want you, johnny.” she breathed.

[zzpopzz]

Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story*  I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely  by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed  repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

[celestialallstars]

Episode #13: “baaa louder.” - Zach

So after that tribal I feem good and bad. On one end, I think it was the best case for me to use it for vote reveal and it showed Bryce/Zach up, Rhys is out and yeah. On the other, I regret voting Rhys out now because it will give Michael and Chloe an excuse to force rocks in F8 unless some serious minigames are done. SO I am going to ask Michael/Chloe to F3 maybe? Not sure yet but I think now if I ever do reach the end, I am gonma probably use this vote as a reason to win since I feel if I didnt make the decision to say anything, I would have possibly left. AND everyone got exposed? Miss me on that revote

girl im going home

so tribal happened and like. period. it was really sad + like i love rhys and seeing him go was upsetting, but like.. it's the game. no hard feelings! but i'm so frustrated with so many people. it's less of the game but more of how they acted, and thats why bryce and i snapped and leaked literally every little thing we know. like my issues were like... chris' main point was vilifying bryce & i for targeting him, but like, that happened AFTER loris slept. and??? they had a plan since i lost immunity to split on bryce/rhys. like yeah be mad at me for the shadiness of the mitch vote per se (albeit it not being super shady imo), but like... call that out initially. don't act like im in the wrong for the vote TONIGHT when the alliance was always so cliquey. then chloe got... idk. arrogant? like i snapped at her (wrongly so) but my annoyance with her is not deep, its just that she is like 'oh yalls voted me' but its like... ok. we thought you leaked. and even if you didnt (which she didnt), they legittttt WERE VOTING BRYCE ANYWAY LIKE . IT DOESNT MATTER. STOP VICTIMIZING YOURSELF. YOU WERE SHADY YOURSELF. but i cant be too mad because they didnt know about the 8 person alliance (supposedly) and i suppose with the info they DID have, they made a good decision. though still dumb i hate it but its my fault too who cares im perfect. jared is just so slimey. and stephen like??? saying 'i said to u dont fk me and you immediately snitch to bryce' BUT YOU HAD A PLAN TO BLINDSIDE ME AND MY ALLIES LIKEEEE STOP JUST SAY YOURE SNAKEY. LIKE IM OPENLY SNAKEY. ILL SAY IT. BUT DONT VILIFY ME???? HELLO?? like its the pot calling the kettle black.

i'm overdramatic just because im IN the mood to go off. or, was. i snapped (wrongly so) tonight. i want anyone who reads this to know its not personal and i love all of u dearly but . im frustrated and i want a good edgic rating LOL

loris frustrates me because he legit is a goat. he can deny that all he wants but there is a literal 0% chance i vote him at this rate to win. i dont know why. he just.. isnt playing for himself. whats NEW. jk... love u. IM JUST frustrated.

on good news, i got a super idol. period. aint telling anyone. like i love bryce but i dont want him to expect me to use it on him because . it wont be good for my game. im playing for myself and myself only. like... period. tho i hope him and i can manage to survive a bit but i dont think thats likely.

im not reviewing this i just am writing whats in my feelings so its more authentic LOL

anyway this game was super fun. despite being stressful and straining, the call was super enjoyable and this org has been one of my favs, and this night has made it sm better. so period. no regrets, just faggotry.

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i'm a flop.

Everything seems so messy tonight. Rhys has approached me about me, him, Michael, Bryce nd Zach workin together but like... they seemed so actively against me sooooo idk what's going on there it feels like a trap. They suggested doing Chris which does kinda sound real but that could be part of the trap idk im very nervous. I just kinda said I would go along with the plan but I don't really intend to do that. I don't think Chris is the move for me this round, Rhys doesn't speak to me which is why I'm also nervous the alliance came from nowhere. To my knowledge the votes are gonna be split 3-3-3 in case of an idol, which I hope gets flushed. Idols make me nervy. Hell I didn't even know Jared had an idol that fucking snake, but it's fine cause he played it on me.

(((((aj note --- this confessional above is obviously from last round but its 2am and i want to go to sleep so idk))))))))

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Last night was an absolute mess and I feel I missed a lot of what went on so I need to watch the post tribal live stream to see if I can try to make more sense of what went down. So far I gathered Jared is a snake, we been knew and Bryce is a leaker. However the leaking shit got pinned on me YET AGAIN. WHY THE FUCK DO THESE BITCH ASS HOES KEEP PINNING SHIT ON ME. FUCK U BRYCE

I just, everything's a mess. All the alliances i doubt are going to work, Jared isnt long for this game, me or Stephen may follow him out, and the rest will likely see some combo of Loris/Michael/Chloe in the end. I dont know, suddenly feeling hopeless about all of this and like, pretty unhappy at the moment. I knew it would be hard but like I literally am struggle to have clear thoughts and with this and outside life factors I'm just feeling lost at the moment.

hi i'm less mad so ignore my above confessional LOL. thank u for tuning in.

except u loris. baaa louder.

Whew hunny last night exposed a lot of fake ass bitches but we really been knew they’re fake. I’m feeling confident about the next few rounds because I think people see myself and Chloe as numbers and people they need to bring on board to make plans work. Part of my strategy this game is to sit back and let the bigger players come in and try and make the big moves everyone wants to feel like they’re making a difference and everyone wants to build their resume by making big moves and as long as I can maintain my threat level I think I’ll be safe and I can have a bit of Influence in the game as people scramble for my vote.

WELL! That was an interesting tribal!

Shortly before tribal, it came out that a secret group of 5 was made to blindside Chris. (Zach/Bryce/Rhys/Michael/Chloe)

I obviously didn't want that to happen, and neither did Chris or Jared. Bryce leaked it to Jared, and Jared told me and Chris. I made the INDEPENDENT decision to confront Zach about this, because I'm not asking for permission to make moves sorry. The only issue is that Zach immediately went to Bryce, even though I asked him not to fuck me. Bryce went to Jared and Chris, and they went back to me. WELP! That just hurts my strategic relationship with Zach even more than the vote already would have.

Chloe and Michael were doing what they could to keep the votes off Chloe, luckily, my move with Zach ensured that they failed! WOO!

I don't want to make the same mistake as Matt though. I may have a decent majority now, but I don't want to burn my bridges with Zach and Bryce. I stayed out of the drama last night (mostly) and I'm gonna keep talking game with them. I might not be able to fully repair things totally but I'm confident I can do better than the other 5.

I'm gonna go over my relationships with the remaining castaways since there's finally a small enough number for me to feel like doing that:

Chris: My closest ally, we tell each other basically everything. I'm worried about going to Final Tribal with him though. He's played well in every facet of the game and literally won "Who do you want to see win" in Touchy Subjects. If I don't get a chance to take him out at the end, I think I can mount a strong argument against him. but I'd only feel comfortable making that move if I was already immune and definitely going to Final Tribal.

Jared: My second(?) closest ally, though I now know he has kept a TONNNN of secrets from me and on top of that he's a threat to win. Luckily, with all the info coming out from last round, I don't think I'll need to worry about Jared being at Final Tribal.

Loris: With Rhys gone, Loris has officially taken the title of "person I kinda wanna maybe side with but he's talked about voting me out so we're not cool". I kinda wanna weaken Bryce and Zach (or maybe vote them both out) before taking a shot against him, I just hope he doesn't realize I know he's after me until it's too late.

Michael: I really don't know where I stand with Michael LMAO! He voted with us last round but never informed us about the plan to get Chris out. He said he was "going to" but I don't believe that for a second. In fact, I think if Chris hadn't revealed what Bryce had leaked there's a chance he may have gone through with it.

Chloe: I kinda love Chloe. I wish I never accidentally turned the majority alliance against her. She's fun to hang around with AND someone I think I could beat in the end. It's like a win-win. Except I don't think she wants me anywhere near the end.

Zach: Out of the 3 people out of the loop at the last vote my relationship with Zach was the strongest. That having been said, neither of us were really sharing much information with each other after Mitch left and I feel like there's really not much further we can go together. Him and Bryce are both good options to be targeted at this vote.

Bryce: While I've personally known it for quite some time, for Bryce to outright say he didn't want to me in an alliance with me is kind of the most red a red flag can be. If I have it my way, Bryce will be the next person voted out. Granted, I'm saying all of this before immunity results and real strategic talks can begin, so my mind might change, but it's not likely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPS6OykNvh0 its so sad im going home tldr: im gone chris can say 1000 words but if they all mean nothing whats the point. jared ruined  my trust in people forever. chloe is a goat hypocrite who aggravates me. stephen is alright not good not bad. rhys is my king and im so sad hes gone i legit love that man. zach is fake. michael is annoying. loris is being a goat but who cares. omg me taking 0 blame for anything bad that happened to me? more likely than u think!!

hi! so. I think I can win this game. my intentions for a while have been to get out someone I don’t see working with personally, rhys, and then attempt a flip on jared/stephen. i also very much have wanted to turn on Chris because I believe me and him are playing similarly in that we have positioned ourself well into the middle, and going to the end with someone who’s basically played the same game but more well-polished is not a good idea! i wanted to get myself this immunity so that I could talk to people about flipping without risk of being ratted and then voted out, which was almost what happened to chloe last round. im also starting to become aware of how me never attending tribal is making me fall under the radar in a way?? everyone is fighting each other and arguably making situations worse for themselves by giving an answer straight away, for example, bryce declaring his f2 with Jared in the call. though people can still slander me while I’m not there, what they say cannot be dwelled on for too long because I’m not there, putting me in a more favourable position than some of the other people here? I think? that someone said that I was playing the middle last tribal council and well.. they’re right so oops.

my ideal path to the end would be stephen and jared leaving the next rounds, and then Chris, although the order does not concern me right now. then I would be at final 5 with Bryce zach chloe and michael and then whoever isn’t immune out of bryce and zach can be voted out. perry. and then I’m gonna have to pray to god I win final immunity OR Michael or Chloe do but like that doesn’t feel likely to me. AND THEN I WIN!!!

ALSO. im in the final 7. I just need to survive one more round and then I’m guaranteed final 5... because no way in hell im playing that legacy on someone  else.. I am not letting THAT happen again.

Me nd Michael been talking, nd we’ve wanted to make a move for a bit now but crazy shit keeps happening. We needed to take down Rhys and break up the Rhys/Bryce/Zach trio so Bryce nd Zach are more useable. Now we planning on flipping on Jared/Chris/Stephen. My current target would be Jared because as much as I trust him and adore him I think he’s definitely running this bitch. Then Loris decides he also wants to flip nd he tells Michael that he wanted to exclude me but JOKES ON U LORIS I WAS ALREADY PLANNING ON FLIPPING U DUMB FUCK. Which was kinda obvious he was planning on excluding me cause Zach and Michael both messaged me about it and I knew Loris was involved in the flipping but he hadn’t messaged me about it sooooo. Don’t test me Loris I’ll make u be voted next.

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#FuckLoris

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GRIT YOUR TEETH, PULL YOUR HAIR, PAINT THE WALLS BLACK AND SCREAM FUCK THIS CAST CAUSE ITS MY GAME AND IM GONNA TAKE IT BACK 

So tonight the plan me chloe and loris are sailing to the majority alliance that voted together last time is that the votes will be spilt. And they will be but we won’t be joining we will be switching to Jared and eliminating the biggest threat in the game at this point. From there I’m thinking of flipping to take out zach or Bryce and continuing on the game switching to control the power in the game.

_______________________________________________________________  

Part of the beauty of this move to blindside Jared is that a lot of the blame for the flip is shared amongst both Chloe and Loris paired with Bryce and Zach being bigger threats means that my name will most likely still be out of peoples mouth I just have some major damage control to do to stop Stephen/Chris teaming up with Zach/Bryce and creating a 4-3.

A lot has happened.

Bryce and I's F2 imploded because of me, and even though we reconciled today I don't think I can truly work with him again. Best I can do is try to secure his jury vote.

I have deals with Stephen Chris Michael and Chloe, Loris will hopefully fall by the wayside next round.

The plan this time was to get Michael onside in PMs and gauge his interest for voting out Zach, reinforcing the "this is our shield strategy." He did the work from there. Yeet!

________________________________________________________________

Jared is voted out 5-2-1. He becomes the fifth member of our jury.

Watch Jared’s exit interview take place below: