#im GOING INSANE idk if you can tell... hahah

[ayakashiz]

Alien Stage R6 Analysis

VERY LONG compilation of my interpretations, impressions and unanswered questions about Round 6 of Alien Stage. I just wanted to write this to put all my thoughts in one place so I can finally rest (in pieces). TW for mentions of suic*de/suic*dal ideation.

The most debated is no doubt the kiss/choking scene and Ivan’s motivation for doing so in the first place. 

I think from the very beginning, even before R3, Ivan was planning to go out with a bang. That’s the immediate impression I got from the comic where he mocks/criticizes Sua for planning to “selfishly” die for Mizi and feel good being the “heroine” rather than having to deal with the trauma of being the one left behind. 

(I'm too lazy to edit the whole translation as of now, but might do so when I have more time.)

Ivan tells her how he’s “relieved that he’s not the only who’s that twisted” = He’s comparing himself to Sua. He thinks they’re both ‘twisted’ for planning to do the same thing, but from Ivan’s perspective, he at least isn’t fooling himself into thinking his motives are altruistic. He tasted the feeling of being ‘abandoned’, and he knows he doesn’t want to experience it twice. 

He also probably thought that his death wouldn’t be as impactful on Till as Sua’s death on Mizi, and therefore his own selfishness is more justified in his mind. This most likely plays a role in how cold and biting his words are towards Sua –he’s jealous of that difference between them.

I hadn’t noticed this detail the first time I watched the video: Not only did Till look absolutely miserable and defeated from the get go, but he completely gave up and stopped singing at some point. If you look at the video, we can hear the audio that was supposed to be sung, but Till is quiet and still, and THIS is the moment Ivan chooses to act.

Although they do not show the votes at that particular moment, stopping mid song would have definitely taken a hit to Till’s score as it’s basically forfeiting –a huge contrast to his previous match where he didn’t even let his opponent utter a single line.

In response, Ivan doesn’t just walk towards him but throws his microphone to the ground, explicitly forfeiting as well in order to then pull a drastic move like it was foreshadowed in his interview.

The kiss itself imo was the less calculated/arguably unplanned part. He could have just choked Till from the start and it would have gotten him the same if not better results (since it was the act of violence against another contestant that ultimately lowered his score and got the counter to stop). 

That kiss was authentic and for himself entirely, both as a last desperate attempt at conveying his feelings and a selfish way of leaving a strong impression on Till that he wouldn’t be able to forget (a hypocritical move going back to how he criticized Sua). In that sense, I don’t think Ivan was seriously trying to take Till down with him –although that’s up to interpretation. As I see it, that would contradict his actions up until that point.

Till was VERY CLEARLY suic*dal (once again, he gave up singing), and after the initial shock of Ivan squeezing his neck, this fiery, rebellious man who is KNOWN to fight tooth and nail, simply closed his eyes and relaxed his body, waiting for Ivan to end him without fighting at all. 

The thing is, no matter how suic*dal one may be, the fighting response when being actually suffocated is automatic and completely involuntary. People mention there not being marks on Till’s neck but I think the most telling sign is him not going red, not squirming, not struggling or holding onto Ivan’s wrists (again, expected involuntary responses), his eyes not watering or having blurry vision while we see Ivan from his POV, not opening his mouth even a little to gasp for air and not coughing or gasping either when he was finally released.

Ivan definitely had him in a strong grip, might have even made him a bit lightheaded, but the reason why Till could look so relaxed in the first place is because he had given up and was waiting for Ivan to go ahead. If his closed eyes and limp posture were due to the choking itself, he would have fallen or stumbled when being let go, but we see that his eyes open as soon as he feels Ivan’s hands slipping away and he looks shocked instead.

So then what was Ivan’s motivation, if not to kill him? Yes, there’s the already discussed plan to get himself disqualified. But Ivan glances at the screen only a few seconds after he starts the choking, confirming that the voting had in fact stopped with Till having the higher score. He then goes for one last ‘goodbye’ kiss before continuing to choke him, holding his grip even as he starts getting shot.

We see a closeup of him, his eyes and hands trembling, looking more frustrated/emotional than in Till’s first POV where he looks rather stoic. It makes me think that the reason he refused to let go was simply because he wanted Till to look at him. 

They strongly imply throughout the whole video that being annoying or mean or violent was the only way Ivan learnt how to make Till focus his full attention on him, but now even as he’s threatening his life, even as he himself is dying, even after that kiss, Till wouldn’t look. 

It took him getting fatally wounded and realizing there was no turning back to reach a state of acceptance. His bittersweet expression here reminds me A LOT of his smile after Till runs back during the meteor scene, although this one seems a lot more tender. He seems to accept the fact that Till will never love him back, but Ivan cannot stop loving him anyways and he at least got to put his feelings out there. 

(The parallels here are driving me insane. The way there is light in his eyes in both instances as he looks at Till even while 'losing him' in a way. The struggle between wanting to posses him yet realizing his free spirit/strong will is part of what he loves about him. That last genuine gaze from a character who spent his whole life putting on a mask. Yes I am very normal about this.)

Until then, Ivan’s more tender/vulnerable side is only shown while Till is unconscious or looking away.

(That soft, loving nuzzle to Till's face has me in SHAMBLES.)

But ironically, it’s only when he releases him and shows him this vulnerability without a mask that Till really looks at him for the first time. I’d go as far as to say that it was this moment, and not the kiss, that finally made Till understand Ivan’s feelings. And in turn Ivan gets that little shot of euphoria as he falls to the ground.

Going back to the survivor’s guilt… I can only imagine it’ll go completely downhill for Till from now on. Not only does he already think Mizi might be dead and is angry at himself that he couldn’t save her (as seen in the shot where he punches his own picture), but now he has most likely realized that Ivan intentionally fumbled their match for his sake –which would lead to the realization that he was the reason why Ivan chose to run back to Anakt Garden after him in the first place, and that choice ultimately lead to his death. 

Even though we see them fighting a lot as children through the videos and comics, it’s also implied that they were always together and they shared some quiet moments –the “Mizi didn’t play with you, I played with you” art, all that art of the main 4 playing together, those bright smiles as they ran away together during the meteor shower scene and Till looking so guilty when he let go of his hand. 

There are a few cute doodles of them for those who are on Patreon, and some more lore in the Anakt Garden kit –so they were at the very least friends in their own way (as best as 2 very traumatized and abused children could), constantly fighting and making up. Which God… it shows that despite appearances Till must have actually had the patience of a saint when they were little lmao.

But what I’m trying to say is that despite what Ivan may have thought, his death will most definitely have an impact on Till and the narrative going forward, and I’m excited to find out how that reflects in the final round (if the resistance doesn’t manage to get back up in time to disrupt it). 

Despite how much I adored (and SUFFERED WITH) this round, I still have MANY questions that were left unanswered, both about Ivan and Till, and the lore in general, and I wonder if there’ll be time to answer them all, as I can imagine the next MV will be focused on Luka’s perspective, the only one we haven’t been presented with.

One of the most pressing questions being: What’s the relationship between Ivan and that alien dog? Did he tame it? It is implied that it was Ivan who somehow led Till and Mizi to it in the first place in that one scene, and if so I wonder what his motivation was? Normally jealousy would be the first thing to come to mind but Ivan wasn’t interested in Till until AFTER he saw him stand up to the beast to protect Mizi, so it couldn’t have been that. 

This is something that was also teased on Patreon and I was looking forward to the explanation on the MV, but it never came, and now Ivan is dead, so the next video will most likely not be too concerned with his backstory any longer. (Which, also, I was really curious about his life in the slums before being captured, auctioned and brought to Anakt, as that would have played a huge role in his twisted personality/dark tendencies –once again teased on Patreon very briefly, but not explained beyond that frame of him looking famished.)

The second is, how is Ivan able to open Till’s collar/muzzle so easily? This is a question I’ve been having since R3, but chalked it up to Ivan being sneaky and figuring out some kind of code to the cell door and that somehow automatically deactivating the locks on the restraints… or something. But with how many times he does it in R6 with just a touch it’s very clear that that isn’t the case and also imo they’re trying to point this out as a significant detail. 

It may turn out that I’m just looking too much into it, but I find it really curious and interesting. Not only is he the only child without a collar (Mizi and Sua still had them despite being just as well behaved as him), but he seems to be the only one able to take them off –or at least Till’s. I’m pretty sure the children wouldn’t normally be able to remove them by themselves as it seems to be a control mechanism. So how can Ivan? This might explain a lot about how they were able to escape, and also add a layer of tragedy knowing that Ivan could have chosen to escape by himself at any point, but refused to leave Till behind.

Last but not least there’s all the human experimentation Till was subjected to, which was the main topic of the teaser and we see the same images show up in the very beginning of the MV. They help emphasize Till’s suffering and distressed state of mind, but then they’re never expanded on or mentioned at all for the rest of the video. That’s a huge piece of lore that I also hope isn’t forgotten.

I mean, I really doubt it will. So far VIVINOS & co. have been incredible with their ability to hold back information and release it at the moment where it’s the most impactful, which is refreshing to see. So I trust we’ll get some answers eventually. 

Really curious to know why they would experiment on an ALNST contestant in the first place, especially one that is undoubtedly talented and described as a musical genius (aka. has good odds of doing well on stage and earning the segyein revenue). A very plausible theory might just be that he was just getting constantly drugged to make him less of a threat/more submissive –like we see on the karaoke room scene. But it might as well be something bigger.

As for my expectations for the next round… I’m still just trying to process this one, as you can see by the sheer amount of text. There are many things left to address, and the Hyuna/Luka confrontation has been strongly teased. I wonder also, if the round goes on without interruption, what would Luka’s strategy against Till be? Would he go for provocation again, trying to imitate Mizi/hint to his recent trauma with Ivan? It probably won’t be that simple.

I mean, VIVINOS has been known for subverting our expectations with each round:

The ominous/callous framing that was given to Ivan by the end of Black Sorrow and the art that followed, making us suspicious of his intentions, only to have him die for love. The lifeless/doll-like framing given to Luka, vulnerable and cornered by flashing lights, only to have him be the cruelest/most calculating one (that we know so far). The rebellious, rowdy, willing to do anything to survive framing given to Till, only to have his fighting spirit completely break and willingly waiting to die by Ivan’s hands. The naive, complacent and passive image given to Mizi, only to have her snap, beat the shit out of Luka and join the rebellion –and with how things are going (and her being the protagonist) I wouldn’t be surprised if she, and not Hyuna (the one who was framed as the most strong and reliable, giving us a false sense of security going into R6), is who will have to try and rescue Till (and Luka???).

There are still a ton of things that keep me awake at night about R6 –my favorite character dying aside. I could talk about it forever, but I’ll leave it here. 

Feel free to share your theories, delusions, interpretations or any detail I might have missed with me. God knows we need group therapy after this as the cute chibi keychains can only heal us so far. Thanks for reading my rambles if you made it this far. :’)

[discotitsposts]

true genius-

my actual favorite episode ever ever ever I’m SO INSANE FOR THIS EPIDODE

this is like the first one o watched on my own ITS SO GOOD

reid centered so yayy

this is how i fell in love w him

spoilers ahead

YAYYYYY NOSTALGIA!!!!!!!

lol typical making out in a car

DID I MENTION THISBIS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE EPISODE

FINN WITTROCK IS IN THIS TOO

the zodiac killer case is so interesting like wym dude never got caught

A FETISH FOR TREES

POOR BABY IS SO NERVOUS

ITS HIS BJRTBDAY IN THIS EP TOO

the cOUGHING

“yes a fetish for trees” HES SO AWKWARD I LOVE YOU REID

no he LEAVES NOOO

lol this guy runs a company

The way if reid was at a conference i’d run and be listening to every word

awww reid’s sad :(

rossi lol “no way” yes way

this is so interesting like how did bro get the original artifacts from the real case (i know how he did it)

reid reid reid!!!!

imagine if spencer knew how many people love him and write fanfic about him LMAO

he’d be a little terrified let’s be honest

but just a little

UGH EVERYONES SO HOT

“three can keep a secret if two are dead” i thought this was criminal minds not pretty little liars

i can’t even tell you how many times i’ve seen this episode

like this is MY episode i claim this one lol

CHESS YOUNKNOW WHO ELSE LIKES CHESS

SPENCER

bros playing chess on break

SPENCERRRRRR

lol enlightening

he wants the printed out version of the paper 💞💞

the way spencer just knew this wasn’t the real zodiac killer is why i was like this guys great 💞💞💞 my heart

AHHHHHHAHEJDJWBEWJWIROSOWBDBEKENFNF

IM SO EXCITED TI BE WATCHING THIS ONE

it’s so funny because i’ll be watching this show and this is my view

the barbie’s r like wtf

THIS GUY LYING ABOUT HIS COUISN

lol reid ended this guy

LOL

LUCKILY I GUESS ITS NOT YOUR COUSIN AHAHAH ATE

FINN WITTROCK💞💞

LOL his presentation

“your soulmate is standing before you now” is he talking about the lady or himself

i remember originally watching this because finn wittrock but fell for spencer/matthew instead lol

i like this detective from the local pd

“where do people find the time” lol reid

dr spencer reid i love your mind

“youre not as smart as you think you are” 😫😫😫💞💞💞SIR IM STUPID FOR YOU 💞💞💞

REID IN PURPLEEEEEE

OMG HES STANDING IN THE SUNLUGHT

y’all have to see this

UGHHHH💞🕳️🕳️🕳️💞💞💞

profile!!

REID AT THE COFFE SHOP STOEOEJDWH

dude has a detective board

lol he thinks she wants to call off the wedding

bro she doesn’t want you

REID NO YOUVE PASSED EXPECTSTIONS YOURE PERFECT I LOVE YOU

“How old are you 29,”

“I’m 30” NOOOOOOOOOOO

nikola tesla my beloved

emily lol

doesn’t he accidentally see a pattern lol dudes so smart

emily’s little smile lol

for he

god he’s so smart

the problem is i think i could understand the code and idk my iq but it’s prob not 160 or above

how do u even calculate that shit

reid’s face is perfect

the taxi driver, didn’t he kidnap the best friends wife from the back of the cab

i don’t think i made this very clear but this is my favorite episode EVER

i’m gonna fucking bite spencer if he keeps being so adorable

finn ain’t no angel in this

vegas!! matthew’s hometown

REID IN THE BACKGROUND

heTALKSK SO FAST I LOVENIT SM

mY leg itcjes

i also would like to catch the zodiac

REID ON THE FHAIR

staring at nothing

HAHAH

best friend activities

REIDS HANDS MOVE SO FAST

i need him now

aDmiT iT yOure HaVing FuUuN

i literally can’t get cozy

A CHESS SWUARE

listening to him💞 💋

no matches

doesn’t he plant a piece of evidence

yep

they found him

o love when reid comes up behind him

bro kidnapped his future wife

UEAH THEY KILLED SOMEONE OMG

it’s spencer reid’s world we’re just living in it

bro said “sanctimonious” wtf does that mean

“not really” 💞💞💞💞💞

the vest 😫😫💞💞

i don’t think harvey here is going to shanghai anymore he going to jail

SULPHURIC ACID dude that’s insane

LOL REID “i’m sure he’ll send you a postcard”

AWWW REID AND HIS COFFEE

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

spencer reid you’ve made the biggest difference in my life 💘💘💘

AWWWWWW HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPENCER

lol morgan the way he’s in his 40s now😭

awww him blowing out the candles he looks so happy

the end

MY FAVORITE EPISODE MWAH MY BELOVED 💋💋💋💋

[pop-roxs]

hoo okay I can already tell this is gonna be long but manga thoughts!! i only read up to roughly 150 I think (Also hi hi I’m off anon! anxiety has been overcome >D<)

quick lil context of me even getting into this also! so my roomie and I have a tradition of watching really bad animes during finals weeks and this time my rookie suggested we watched black butler 2 (still so funny it’s just 2 not season two not book of ___ no. just two. Peak comedy) first half of that was laughably bad and then like ep 7 onward it was frustratingly good. Some bizarre pacing some bizzare writing choices but I liked it overall. anyways over winter break out of nowhere I got manga spoilers on my tiktok for Agni’s death and. It emotionally devastated me bc I loved him sm bc of the like one ep in 2 where he appeared. i told my roomie that and we decided to like actually watch the good parts of the anime so I could get a taste of the actual plot (and eventually we watched s1 lmao)

so yeah that bit didn’t impact me as much when I actually read it but 😭 Agni I miss you dearly you’re like one of the only people I’d trust to hold my drink in this series I KNOW you would take care of it and not spill anything. Also, I read the entire (post campania) manga while procrastinating studying for my organic chemistry exam bc chemistry is a pain in the ass and I didn’t want to look at it

right um. Other arcs. so the school arc has some BIZARRE pacing- (and i never got used to the just casually dropping the F word even if it was used iba like historical context) I was half skimming some of the pages bc I thought it was gonna be basically a fluff filler arc so that end caught me off guard- deffo enjoyed the soma content though! i sure hope he stays happy and nothing awful happens to make him stop smiling! hahah fuck.

Emerald witch arc is kinda funny to me. like yeah, okay queen of England, send this 13 (14?? I forgor) year old child to a different country to deal with werewolves. this isn’t even ur country girly what. Wolf and miss sullivan (can’t spell her first name) r fun characters I like their addition a lot. Could’ve done without the uh. weird scenes with sullivan but. whatever. (The scenes with finny taking care of ciel also were so sweet Omg I will cry- finny is probably one of my top 5 charas I love himmmmm he scares me tho )

that being said I fuckcking RECOGNIZED that shit was chemicals as soon as I saw that circle thing oh my FuckKING GOD. I literally put down my phone and stopped reading for a good while. I’m reading this manga to procrastinate my ochem I did not need it to insert itself like that >:’(((( it was good though I liked the arc a a lot (my roommate fucking burst out laughing when she saw me being angy and asked why.)

Sascha and Walmart will (sorry sir you are just not memorable) were cute! Hope we get more content of them in the future, or just more reaper lore. Please. I’m going insane all I want is lore (Also my roomie had already told me abt the reaper backstory so that didn’t rlly surprise me). Will and grell showing up for like one chapter was funny as hell, you know will was pissed bc that whole convo could’ve totally been an email or a pigeon or whatever. i missed them though so im not complaining

Idk what to call the next arc. the return of the school guys was… funny ig?? i have to be honest I kinda disconnect whenever they appear I just don’t really care for them 😭 the whole band group off was so funny though and the tonal whiplash was something I was NOT prepared for. It wasn’t as jarring as the paving of the school arc but like hWUH THATS A LOT OF PLOT AND BIG REVEALS HAPPENING REALLY FAST NOW-

love othello though. I’m a forensics chemistry major and I love the forensics part of it significantly more than chemistry so seeing a funny guy doing that is so very !!! ya :D also love the dynamic with Grelle. they’re both trans and besties you can’t change my mind- ALSO OTHELLO JUST . THROWING HIS SCYTGE AND THEN BIDING BEHIND GRELLE. Love him. ronnies still my fav dont get me wrong I am endeared with his talk-shit-while-getting-his-ass-beat mentality but othello is very close behind

wish we had more reaper lore . I would kill to know these guys backstories- Ronald and sascha seem so much you her compared to their coworkers it eats at my brain. sascha especially like aaaaaa kid what happened for you to end up here :(? MAN (also I could fight abt the reaper lore for so long. they don’t deserve this. this shits unfair. AGH…

i had more stuff that I wanted to say but forgot. sorry if this isn’t very understandable i just wrote as I thought of things- basically. reapers my beloved . I’m begging for lore please . soma my king I hope you’re okay. when will Ronald come back PLEASE he’s been gone since like campania 😭

BRO ROOMMATE ANON REVEAL!! i hope you dont mind me still using the roommate anon tag,,

agnis death def threw me off. i wasnt expecting yana to kill him off, especially after having him around for so long. that whole scene was very surprising. and yes i agree with you!! hes probably the most wholesome character in black butler next to some others like the phantomhive servants and soma.

i actually quite liked the school arc(and a lot of people in the fandom would agree w me)! but i get how you wouldnt. i personally was only mostly focusing since i just wanted to get back to grelle T^T.

i didnt really like emerald witch at first. i was mad when it had the honor of being the 100th chapter. but its grown on me since(n yeah those scenes were weird..).

i LOOOOVEEE SASCHA!!!!!! THEYRE SO CUTEEEEE X33333 they remind me of my best friend since they both have that same cheery vibe. like little guy is just making the best out of their afterlie and havin some genuine fun. i fw it. grelles outfit was also sooo hot in that chapter gaw dayum. i want a piece of that reaper PLEASE

you can call the return of the school guys the boy band arc. it was weird but i really enjoyed it.

i find it funny how everyone automatically says that othello is trans. one look at the silly science man provokes the Feeling.

trust me man, everyone wants more reaper lore. i am clawing at yanas feet and begging her to tell me what in the ever living fuck happened to grelle in her time as a human. WHAT THE FUCK KINDA LIVES DID THEY LIVE. WHAT DROVE THEM TO SUICIDE.

i understood everything you wrote, dw!! :3 im hoping soma is ok as well </3

[keiscait]

hey, may i please request a bedroom matchup LOL 😏

she/her, bisexual (men over women (unless it's a big tittie goth gf)

sagittarius sun and virgo rising

ravenclaw 😏

sexual: i like being the top. call me mommy LOL. i also like being topped, i have a major knife kink 😏 im in charge most of the time, however it can change every now and then. when i'm the bottom i want my partner to spit in my mouth 🧎‍♀️ neck and ear bites plz 😏 i'm very vocal 👹👹

things i look for in a partner:

-LOYALTY!!1!1!2!2'

-has to have a good sense of humor

-chill

-very understanding

personality: i'm very outgoing and friendly to most people, but i keep my friend group small. i'm the loud friend of the group and i'm always trying my best to make my friends laugh. i say really weird things at the most random times and i often look really high so people think i'm on something. i'm a good leader though and take charge in the three sports i'm in. (i'm varsity captain in one of my sports!!)

appearance:

plans for future: i'm currently a senior in high school and i plan on going into the national guard or air force when i graduate :). the military will pay for college and i plan on either going into the criminal justice field or information technology field :p

music taste: literally everything except for country. you can catch me listening to dr dre, schoolboy q, blackstreet, and kendrick lamar one minute and then queen the next. i also love my female rap artists 👏👏 90s rock and rnb are also a must. i listen to 00's club music on a regular 😏

Hello and welcome, my dearest Bri! AND ADVANCED HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wish I could bake you a cake, but all I can do is send some love (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* Let’s get right to it then! ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

Look who we have here, hon!

Suna Rintarou! (Runner up: Kageyama Tobio)

Suna here has a really cold and icy demeanor, which I think has to be balanced out by outgoing people (like the Miya twins). He likes to act like this dark and brooding person, but deep down, he’s actually just a little gremlin like most of us. 

- Okay okay, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I already know that you’re a Suna stan, but I genuinely could not think of anybody who matches your personality description better, the two of you would just be *aggressive chefs kiss*

- I’m kinda getting an enemies-to-lovers-ish vibe with this dynamic, but also like a partners-in-crime-to-lovers type of deal. Either way, it’ll start out a little bit chaotic

- Has a crush on you immediately, I just KNOW it, but he won’t realize this until later on, and may even totally deny it to himself

- He doesn’t really know when exactly he starts catching feelings for you, but the realization probably hits him when he sees you going about your daily activities

- You could be doing any of your extra curriculars - basketball, track, or marching band - and he sees how much you enjoy it, or maybe even after you just said one of your random thoughts. Whatever makes him feel like he’s getting to know you a little bit better

- it’s when you laugh right after, and suddenly he feels like he’s just been spiked a ball in the face, and he just audibly goes “ah shit.”

- Has no fucking clue what to do at first KDHFKSJHL someone pls help him!!!

- He ends up being a little awkward when he tries to do anything about it, and it’ll all just feel so unnatural HAHAH

- “Let me carry your bag” “No Rin it’s fine I can--” *pries your bag from your hands with way too much force*

- in his mind he’s like “Ah yes that went perfectly 😌”

- he tries to communicate his feelings in little ways like this, hoping you’ll catch on

- No, Suna Rintarou, poking fun at someone is not a declaration of love, but nice try!

- he’ll get so frustrated if you don’t catch on (or maybe you do, and you just want him to say something first), and eventually will straight up yell tell you how he feels

- once you two are together, he’ll still try to act he’ll try to keep up his icy exterior, but trust me, he’s completely whipped for you

- SHARED PLAYLISTS!!!!

- Appreciates that you keep your friend group small, because at the end of the day, he’s still a pretty reserved guy

- Admires your leadership qualities, and will not be insecure and toxic about it, despite what other people believe. He honestly wishes he could be more like you, in that sense

- He’ll be your # 1 fan in everything you do. Will support whatever it is that you want to achieve, and will cut any bitch who tries to get in your way

- boy is in LOOOOOVE

- If he ever gets mad or annoyed at you, just give him the smallest peck on his cheek, and he’ll be all putty in your hands again

- Likewise, I think he’d be so good at making you blush too. It’s not all the time that he does this, but when he does, it’s 1000000% effective

- A FRICKING TEASE SKJDHFDSJFGLSGJ CHANGE MY MIND

- Honestly I love this dynamic so much that I wanna make him your bedroom matchup too, but I feel like that would be a cop out 

~

You were exhausted.

It was never easy juggling all the activities that you took part in - each of them was truly a labor of love. Today was particularly draining because it was, after all, your birthday, and it just HAD TO fall on a weekday. You plonked on your bed and started scrolling through your phone.

Your tight-knit group of friends continued to send you birthday wishes, despite having already done so when you saw them earlier that day. They had sung to you and let you blow out a birthday candle - it was all they could do, given your busy schedules. You looked forward to the weekend you had planned with them and your boyfriend, Rintarou.

Speaking of Rin, you thought to yourself, as a message notification from him popped up.

- You’re already home, right?

- Yeah! Just got here. So tired

- That’s too bad. I was gonna ask you to open the door for me but I guess I’ll just go home

You ran to your front door faster than you expected you could manage, and there stood Suna, a balloon and a box of pizza in hand. He pretended to walk away slowly, making you giggle before you grabbed him and dragged him inside.

He pressed a soft kiss to your temple. “Happy birthday, babe.”

You were giddy, not expecting him to show up. “I thought we were gonna wait til the weekend for my celebration??” 

“Do you not know me by now?” he chuckled. “As if I’d let today pass without doing anything about it.”

You smiled and looked at him for a few seconds. He rarely looks so sincere, and so warm, and you just wanted to drink up every last drop of this moment.

He teased, “But y’know, I guess if you’re too tired, I can totally scarf down this pizza by myself.”

You groaned before dragging him to your room and setting up the playlist you guys worked on together, getting ready for a night in.

~

I hope that was alright, bb! Let’s make our way to the bedroom now ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

For some private time, I’ve invited over...

Oikawa Tooru! (Runner up: Suna Rintarou)

Despite how other people believe he’s a dom, I think he’d be a switch, at best. I think in the bedroom, he’d love to let his partner take control, just as much as loves having his way with them.

- What really gets this fucker going is pleasing people - and who would he love to please more than his s/o?

- He loves how your confidence translates into your bedroom behavior

- I headcanon that he easily falls apart in bed, and would gladly do so for his partner 

- He is s e n s i t i v e. Touch him, kiss him, grab him EVERYWHERE

- LOUD, but a lot of it is trying to get his partner to be even louder

- How does this man have both a praise kink and a degradation kink? Idk but I’m so sure he has both

- Would be totally onboard with your knife kink. He’s super into sensory play

- Speaking of which

- BLINDFOLD HIMMMM SKDJHFSDJFK THAT WOULD BE A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

- Once you ask him to take charge, I think he would still be a service dom

- Knows all your sensitive spots. Made sure to take note of them so that he can get you back for all the times you hit his sweet spots

- Loves mouth stuff. His mouth. Your mouth. Putting stuff in them. Tongue stuff. Loves all of it

- Great at aftercare, just a bit flashy with it. Kind of makes a show of what he’s doing but in the most adorable way

- Delicate with how he handles you after. Or if you’re the one giving him aftercare, would praise you the whole time

- Will hold you til you fall asleep 🥺

~

As a little extra gift, I wanted to give you a dressing room matchup too! 

I think your gorgeous face would look SO GOOD with...

Miya Atsumu! WHAT AN INSANELY GOOD LOOKING COUPLE YOU WOULD MAKE

~

That’s it for now, darling! I hope that was worth all the waiting you did. Thank you for being such a wonderful housemate - don’t hesitate to chat with me anytime. Advanced happy birthday again! (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭*

Thanks for stopping by! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

[xserpentlife]

50 questions tag !

Tagged by no one but I saw @romanticgumchewer do it and thought it was cool so

1.) What color is your hairbrush?

so like i have bout 5 probably but now i only use one in the shower ad its this turqiouse bue color cause ya’ll if you got frizz or curls dont brush ya hair really at all just use ya fingers but also do it with conditioner and in the shower

2.) Name a food you never eat

freaking seafood eh blegh

3.) Are you usually too warm or too cold?

warm. all. the. time.

4.) What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

uhm swimming... no dinner and smelling disgusting seafood that made me wanna barf cause thsts whst my aunt/uncle and grandparents were making for dinner

5.) What’s your favorite candy bar?

oo idk uhm crunch noooo a flake bar they are from europe no like ireland i think so fucking good lemme tell you

6.) Have you ever been to a professional sports game?

yeah. Eagles, flyers, and phillies, and the reading phillies if you count them, oh and the 76ers and some college gsmes i think that is it

7.) What’s the last thing you said out loud?

nope i don’t want a smore

8.) What’s your favorite ice cream?

yall i got so many lemme get you on this shit. okay so ben and jerrys we talkin then its gottabe phish phood oj shit, but like all in al my fav is black raspberry tbh but also like i do keto so i do love me some coffee ice cream cause i can usually find that in “keto” ones. i like keto enlightened ice cream bars they are decent and low carb

9.) What was the last thing you had to drink?

crystal light or it may have been turkey hill diet green tea

10.) Do you like your wallet?

i mean yeah its a black michael kors it does it purpose lol, mostly i like it cause it has a lot of space for cards which like all my gift cards go there the only thing i don’t like is that the bitch gets hela heavy when coins get in it like jesus

11.) What’s the last thing you ate?

ham and cheese roll ups for diner cause they had fuckin seafood lol boutta be carots, but also wasn’t that hungry lol

12.) Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

nope!

13.) What’s the last sporting event you watched?

i believe that it was UFC

14.) What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

butter or white cheddar

15.) Who’s the last person you sent a text to?

my best friends so my friend from vegas and @wayward-river

16.) Ever go camping?

yep!

17.) Do you take vitamins?

i take a probiotic

18.) Do you go to church every Sunday?

nope

19.) Do you have a tan?

yupppp

20.) Do you prefer Chinese or pizza?

oooo uhm depends on what type of piza but ima say pizza... i have a cheese addiction

21.) Do you drink soda through a straw?

i don’t drink soda anymore

22.) What color socks do you usually wear?

vans socks in literally any color usually not black i try to get colored ones cause if i get the black i can never tell te old from the new unless they are like streched out or somethin

23.) Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

uhm yes lol. its my downfall but also like either go the speed limit or go 5 miles over do not go under becuase that is just not an option

24.) What terrifies you?

many things.

25.) Look to your left, what to you see?

flowers

26.) What chore do you hate the most?

vacuuming the sound drives me nuts. or no putting away laundry like hanging it up idk why i hate it but i do lik ill wash shit and fold it but actuly putting it way drives me nuts

27.) What do you think when you hear an Australian accent?

uhm hiiii but also adelaide idk why

28.) What’s your favorite soda?

dont drink it i drink ice drinks instead or the safeway brand sparkling water

29.) Do you go in fast food or in the drive through?

drive through

30.) What’s your favorite number?

24

31.) Who’s the last person you talked to?

in person? my little cousin

32.) Favorite cut of beef?

chicken just so many things can be done. chicken parm, grilled chicken, bbq chicken need i go on

33.) Last song you listened to?

welp i checked spotfy we were at the pool and it was me and my little cousin i was playing ehr playlist so it was did i mention from descendants hahah

34.) Last book you read?

oh god uhm i have no idea 

35.) Can you say the alphabet backwards?

no unless i go throguh the whole thing letter...... by.... letter

36.) Favorite day of the week?

thursday

37.) How do you like your coffee?

Iced with heavy cream i prefer cold brew or espresso tho, but usually cold brew

38.) Favorite pair of shoes?

Vans

39.) Time you normally wake up?

10- 10:30 sometimes 9

40.) Sunrise or sunsets?

sunsets

41.) How many blankets on your bed?

usually just my comforter sometimes my comforter and one or two otehrs dring the winter cause i like to be cold and keep my window open i keep my bedroom door closed and the heat in my room off

42.) Describe your kitchen plates?

i live with my aprents im still in college but when im at school rndoms hit that is cheap 

43.) Describe your kitchen at the moment?

tiny dorm kitchen or it will be first on campus apartment that looks like an insane asylum checkkkkkkk

44.) Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?

i mean its not legal to sayyyyy

45.) Do you play cards?

yes omggggg my grandma s from the south i grew up on card games 500 rummy, oh hell too, i played poker with my grandpa to and 21

46.) What color is your car?

dark blue... kiki

47.) Can you change a tire?

yeppp!

48.) Your favorite state, province, country, etc.?

uhm idk i live in pennsylvania but I wouldn’t say i have a favorite state at least not yet

49.) Favorite job you’ve had?

I worked at this axe throwing place and honestly it was my favorite job i had. I was an axe master I basicaly taght people how to throw axes and like led mini games for hour long sessions it was hella fun, but my college scheldue and doctors appt got in the way so i got let go but it was fun while it lasted. or my own business i do photography on the side so that is also amazing and i absolutely love it and ned to do more of it.

50.) How did you get your biggest scar?

oh god i don’t even know.. i have huge scards from my chronic skin condition so either that orrrr maybe the scar on my leg it is not that big though like size of a nickel where a kick stand went into my leg, a lot of my scars are smaller or like blend into my skin fairly ell cause of my other scars or honestly i forget about them cause. i hae so many so i realy am not sure.

i tag @wayward-river @the-gargoyle-queen @whenallsaidanddone @riverdalebingo @theangriestpea @southsidevixen-blog

[georgeinamerc]

so this is honestly hysterical but I always hit the wrong button looking for an ask so like the 'send a message' thing pops up right, and on tumblr for you its 'message georgeinamerc! posts about #fuck me' and WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED AJFDFKDLSAJLSKDJLAK V LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE THIS IS YOUR BRAND NOW DKDJDJJD

also im fucking honored you check the charles tag JUST FOR ME youre really like 'ill get this ace person to be horny with me' and it fuckin works that insane lmao

my brother does live in a different city (actually a different state) and honestly the best way i can say this without getting too deep is to say be happy you've got that relationship with your brother because my relationship is NOT like that when we stopped living in the same house it was the best thing for the both of us

ALSO ALSO DONT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR LONG RESPONSES I LOVE THEMMM but damn binch get some sleep we really be fuckin up out sleep schedules huh

I think you might do better than you think on your exams but also i know that law exams are already hard af and the hardest exams I ever took were NON-USA exams so like,...I have confidence in you to do better than me LMAO

-JC

TUMBLR DID WHAT?????? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS RN💀 i post about seb every hour of the day and they decide to advertise me as a horny blog?- i mean yeah fair point. but what i'm trying to say is that that's NOT my most used tag😤 THIS IS BAD FOR MY IMAGE JC THEY'RE LITERALLY CALLING ME A WH*RE OUT HERE DON'T LAUGH JHSFBRHBR

That's my thought process yep :) like fr after talking w you i started searching the tag, even when i started getting into sebchal i would only search the ship name itself or seb<33 your power is unmatched unparalleled etc etc 💅🏻💅🏻

Ohh I'm sorry to hear that! But I'm glad things worked out like that in your guys' case, if that's how things are between u!! But yeah no, i'm very happy to have a good relationship w him, although OFC it's not always like that, we are trying our best💞💞

I GET SO RAMBLY AND ALWAYS TRY TO CUT PARTS OFF MY ANSWERS BC I OVERSHARE SO MUCH TO THE POINT WHERE I FEEL SO BORING😍 I promise i went to sleep right after dw hahah and i did manage to get up at 7 and attend all my online classes so it's fine :)

Ahh idk!!!! The only good thing is that as a course of choice i chose sociology which is a TON more understanding (plus i already knew most of this from hs) so i will be passing 1 class for sure🙏🏻now, about the other 5.... time will tell, im so fucking anxious but THANK YOU AGAIN FOR BELIEVING IN ME💞💗💖❤️

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?? ANYTHING NEW?? LOVE YOU😽

[sarohara]

Stranger: M

Stranger: 18

You: what's ur name?

You: I'm f

You: and 16

Stranger: Alex

Stranger: What's yours?

You: Sarah

You: nice meeting u btw

Stranger: Thanks sarah

You: Sure

Stranger: Nice meeting you too

You: Thx :)

You: So, how ya doing?

Stranger: What are you upto ?

Stranger: I'm great thanks for asking

You: Nothing really, hbu?

You: Yeah yw :)

Stranger: A little bored though

You: Yeaah Ik

Stranger: Are you bored too ?

You: Yeah that's why i'm here. hahaha

You: Wyd?

Stranger: No I can tell you

Stranger: People come here to find love and stuf

Stranger: Chilling on my bed

You: Find love???

You: Wth hahahaha

Stranger: Yeahhh

You: That's insane

Stranger: I know

You: I'm sure omegle's not the best place to find love or whatever hahaha

Stranger: Yeahhh ig

Stranger: If i don't have anyone to talk ro

Stranger: I just come herr

Stranger: Here

You: Oh that's why you're here then

You: It sounded lonely lmao

Stranger: Noooo

Stranger: Not like that

Stranger: I mean

Stranger: I don't wanna talk to people I know

Stranger: Sometimes

You: Oh I get that!!

Stranger: Just texting random people

You: Yeah Ik, sometimes im like that as well

Stranger: Hahahahaha

Stranger: Sarah is a nice name

Stranger: I mean

Stranger: You must be a very nice and helpful kind of personal

Stranger: All the Sarah's I know

Stranger: Are the same

You: Aw...thank u :)

You: Alex is a nice name too, it's a pretty american name I would say haha

Stranger: Hahahahaha

You: You're from there, right?

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Where are you from ?

You: I knew it! hahahaha

You: Brazil

Stranger: That's nice

You: Yeah Ig lol

Stranger: I know

Stranger: Neymar

Stranger: I mean

You: Hahahahahahaha

Stranger: I don't really watch football

You: Here we go again hahaha

Stranger: And Brazil doesn't really play basketball

You: Yeah.. I mean.. not as much as football

Stranger: Yeahh Ig

Stranger: I mean idk

Stranger: A lot about Brazil

Stranger: Coffee football and rio

Stranger: That's it

You: understandable tho lol

You: Coffee hahahahah

Stranger: And the carnival

You: Oh Carnaval hahah yeah

You: Well, do u like basketball, alex?

Stranger: Yesss I do

Stranger: Wbu ??

You: Well.. ahahahah I don't really watch basketball and stuff

You: I just put this tag randomly for some unknown reason lol

Stranger: I watch and play a lot of basketball :3

You: That's dopeee

Stranger: You will meet with tall guys

Stranger: If you are into tall guys

You: Oh hahahahahaha

Stranger: 😂😂

You: I hadn't thought of that 😂

Stranger: That's one positive

You: 😂😂

You: how tall r u btw?

Stranger: I'm not talll

You: Same

Stranger: I'm 5'11

Stranger: Wbu??

You: I'm 5'3 or so

You: 😂😂😂

Stranger: Wowwww

Stranger: It's cool

You: I'm not that short tho ok, it's like 1,60 😂

You: Nah i'm kidding i'm short ahahah

Stranger: 😂😂

Stranger: It's okay

Stranger: Short girls are

Stranger: Usually prettier

You: that's too bad bc i'm sure i'm gonna grow up oke😂

Stranger: So it's cool

Stranger: Then you will have those beautiful long legs 😂

You: 😂😂😂😂

You: it's funny u trying to comfort me 😂

Stranger: 😂😂

Stranger: It's okay

Stranger: Do you have an Instagram?.

You: Yessir, do u?

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Give me your id

Stranger: So that I can comfort you

Stranger: Better

You: If u say so😂

Stranger: 😂😂

You: @sarahcvlm

You: what's urs?

Stranger: I'm not gonna add you

Stranger: Just for the conversation

You: Huh?

You: wym..

Stranger: Woww sarah

Stranger: You have nice hair

Stranger: I'm saying I'm just wanted to look

Stranger: So that I can comfort you better

Stranger: Lol

You: Oh ab my hair

You: Thank u!

You: hahahah

Stranger: That's the only thing

Stranger: I could see

Stranger: So

Stranger: 😂😂

You: It's a private account so.. u got to add me😂

Stranger: Yaaa ik

Stranger: But if I do

Stranger: My girlfriend will kill me

You: Ooooh

Stranger: For sure

You: Okay it's all good

Stranger: 😂😂

You: 😂😂

You: Dude 😂

Stranger: What?

You: I understand her tho 😂

Stranger: Naaahhh she's cool

Stranger: She's cool about a lot of things

Stranger: But there are some things that piss her off

Stranger: So Imma stay safe

Stranger: 😂

You: Yeah that's what I said that I understand her 😂 She's ur girlfriend so it's quite understandable lol

You: Ya u better stay safe 😂

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: It was nice talking to you

You: Oh

You: Same :)

Stranger: Hope we meet at the carnival 😂

Stranger: We will have a blast then

You: 😂😂

You: Well, see ya at the carnaval 😂

Stranger: Once we meet 😂😂

Stranger: See yaa

Stranger: Bye

You: 😂

You: See ya!

[ber-bonfamille-lyons]

lads lets compare answers

1) Who rocks the Ferris Wheel seat and who flips out and begs them to stop?

Paul rocks, Roger holds onto Paul

2) Who is always horny and will have sex at any time, at any place and at any time?

Paul

3) Who is more into taking showers/baths together? Who tries to make it relaxing and who tries to make it sexy time?

Paul would love showers; Roger would like baths. Paul wants SEXY TIME. Roger would put bubbles on Paul’s face (ok so would Paul to Roger)

4) Who likes to walk around the house naked and who tells the other to go put some clothes on?

Paul is walking around naked, but why would roger saY that

5) Who sleeps on the couch when they get into a fight?

Paul

6) Who takes photos of the other while they sleep?

...uhhh Paul? But shows them after and they r always goofy ones lol

7) Who said “I love you” first? and who ends their arguments in a fight with “Because I love you”?

Paul would say it first if they were in a relationship, like, dating wise. But Roger if it was like a CONFESSION. And Roger would pull that card probably. Also Paul too tho haha

8) Who likes to wear the others sweatshirts?

They share!!!

9) Who wakes the other up in the middle of the night to tell them a cool dream they had? Who has the most nightmares, and who sings them back to sleep after?

Paul would wake Roger up for sure. Roger probably has more nightmares and Paul would tell him sTories to go back to sleep.

10) Who is more likely to cheat?

Uhhhhhhldksajlfj Paul is insanely loyal. Roger takes this one by default.

11) Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them, and who has to remind them that they are in a relationship?

Paul for both honestly. He’s a jokester. 

12) Who starts a food fight in the kitchen?

Paul for sure. 

13) Who initiates duets? and who is the better singer?

Paul would initiate tbh though Roger is a better singer by far 

14) Who starts the hand holding? Who grabs the others butt? Who slides their arm around their waist? Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops?

Roger holds Paul’s hand. Paul grabs Roger’s ass. Roger slides his hand around Paul’s waist. Paul does the belt loops. 

15) Who likes writes the others name on their wrist?

Uhhhh roger. Paul would write HIS name on Roger’s wrist lol

16) Who is more seductive when they are drunk? and who is louder in bed?

uhhh maybe Paul? He’s not a super horny drunk tbh idk about rog either i feel like they get sad. hahah. 

and uh Paul is louder?

17) Who is more protective?

BoTH

18) Who talks to the other while they are sleeping?

Paul....I think. 

19) Who drives and who has the window seat?

Roger u can drive bc Paul wants to look out the window lol

20) Who falls asleep in the others lap and who carries them to bed?

Paul would fall asleep in his lap tbh how cute. Roger u can carry paul right

21) Who cuts the others hair?

u dont want paul to cut ur hair and roger no no no

22) Who is super bad at sexting? and who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day?

Roger by default but he probably isnt’ that bad. And Paul would send encouraging messages im sure he does that now

23) Who thinks they are not good enough for the others love? and who’s more afraid of loosing the other? Who thinks they keep messing up, only for the other to tell them they don’t need to worry?

BOTH OF THEM THINK THIS LIKE TRASH bc they have the collective self-esteem of a garden slug

24) Who starts random slow dancing with the other in the kitchen? Who holds the other just above the ground and kisses them?

Paul would start some dancin’. He’d swing Roger down near the ground sure sure, I can see Roger doing it too they are #versatile 

25) Who says shitty puns and sex jokes just to see the other giggle and blush?

Paul 100%. Roger hits back with memes. 

26) Who kissed first?

Paul probably.

27) Who orders take out at two in a morning? and who wakes the other up at three in the morning to go downstairs with them to get a glass of water because it’s too dark?

Roger is ordering take out at two unless they r drunk then its a mutual decision. and Paul wants the company for water haha.

28) Who writes poems/stories and love songs about the other? Do they sing the songs the write for them?

BOTH obviously roger writes the music, paul writes lyrics 

29) Who does some crazy stunt to try and impress the other and who ends up driving them to the emergency room after it backfires?

Paul. Roger drives Paul for sure. 

30) Who is embarrassed when they have to wear their glasses and who thinks they look super cute?

They both think they look super fuckin’ cute in glasses it goes with the artist aesthetic.

[crimsonophelia]

now that i think about it… that seems true!! well for one abez is the god of (im)purity, but mainly the god of seals since she can basically seal impurities and whatnot. it’s how she also sealed herself! maybe she picked the location and not zhongli himself? although it surely should be liyue since he did have to keep tabs on her so she would fulfill her end of the contract.

anyway as promised i’m gonna explain a bit of dani/abez’s skillset~ childe is actually my inspiration for this one + i love dual blades! so her ele burst is her making a “phantom sword” whilst also creating a shield that repels attacks for 6 seconds, sort of like a mixture of noelle & beidou’s burst honestly. the phantom sword is much like childe’s melee which is imbued with water. however, this is where her skill comes up and it’s creating an area that’s sort of like the rain of a wizard hilichurl (i forgot what they’re called jxjsj) haha and it slows down enemies + additional crit dmg to whoever is the active character. and do u know the circle that follows you around in abyss? idk what it’s called but her hold ele skill is much like that. the press ele skill is just a simple one-slash ray AoE attack whilst the hold not only creates an area but also hits enemies as it was casted. i hope i explained those well hahah. she’s a sword user btw hxjsjs did i forgot to say that? i think i spent the whole sunday night thinking about the stats and all now i just can’t not imagine her in the game😭 she’d be an insane support since her passive creates those qiqi-like seals and heals the character that deals crit hits with them. she’s also easy to build since her buffs comes from energy recharge/hp🥲 wow i really talked a lot hahah. hope your day is still going well!! (i have 1 class left and im drained from my last 2 classes *sigh) -🎐

sorry for the late response TT my professor did me so dirty in class yesterday that ive been furious for 24 hours :’) your character is so cool omg i love dual sword wielders, especially when they kinda manifest them out of nothing. i really should get on building my oc, i have his general design in mind but idk what his powers would be.... but anyways thank you for telling me! this is good inspiration :)

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

Going through all my text quotes and you can see when i slowly fall out of love.. hahah  I literally haven’t been this happy in the longest time ever. I haven’t written in my book since the feelings were mutual. He makes me so happy without even trying and its the lamest feeling in the entire world. It sucks that it only took him 2 years to finally admit to liking me, or that it took me 5 months of talking to him for me to realize that i liked him back. He wasnt exactly my type, but darling did he steal my affection in a heartbeat. Finally, someone who liked me for me and not for what i can offer, someone who would rather just watch netflix with me in bed than do something like go out on an expensive date. Someone who will just hold me in his arms while im having a bad day and just reassure me that everything will be fine. It just sucks that you have to be leaving tomorrow and that i dont even get to see you leave. I really, really like you.    And i think ill tell you that before you go, and it will be the lamest thing that i have ever done in my 18 years of life. Cause darling, you are the only exception. -Feb 14th,2014  I remember I wrote this poem about not being able to take a place in the scoreboard of affection. Well look at me now, in first place with a really sweet guy. - Mar 7th,2014 I am so conflicted with what I want to do with this “relationship”. I know for a fact I’m thinking too hard about it and it’s driving me practically insane. And this is probably I stay away from relationships all together or why I stray away from ties with people in general. I really like him and I am aware of it now, I want to get to know him more and just see if we’re just as compatible as I’d like us to be. I don’t want to push my ideals on him or his on me cause that’s not the type of relationship that I am looking for. I have the utmost respect towards military wives or girlfriends. I can’t even handle bootcamp yet alone the rest of his life… Do I escape while I can or do I stay because I enjoy his company. - Mar 18th,2014

You know what I hate the most? I hate that I brought him into a room I sleep in. I let him linger in a place I spend all of my time in. There isn’t a second that goes by where I am not reminded of his existence. I can’t lay in my bed with peace of mind like I used to be able to. Fuck - Mar 20th.2014  10 more days till Gerik comes back, 10 more days till everything is sorted out. 10 more days til ughhh,, idk . Gosh darn it i miss him -  May 13th,2014 It will seriously be the most fucked up thing if you notice me now. I was hanging around you since my sophomore year of high school and liked you for a while. But now that we’re in college and i have found myself in a obscure relationship you wanna come down and be like “ hey these are my views on relationships and they match yours, wow, you are like totally the type of girl im looking for why didnt i notice this sooner.” I will dick slap you so hard its going to leave an imprint on your face.- May 15th,2014

i am beyond myself, honestly with this whole significant other thing. Feelings really shouldnt be this difficult to figure out. I mean they are MY feelings i should be able to tell what they want. A hug would be nice right now even a pat on the head or something. I feel so uneasy honestly . - Nov 4th,2014 

And he left, and this time between us was honestly nothing more than that. I knew i needed to end things with Gerik, but honestly I did not expect it to hurt this much. I dont need a man in my life who’s idea of a joke would be to say hes going to hit on other girls including my friends and then cal me sensitive after i get upset. I dont need a man in my life who will let me get hit and be okay with it even if he thought we were “playing”. I dont need a man who wont be clear on what he wants to do with me and what we are after a year has passed. I do not need someone who will let me be sad and not really talk to me about it. I do not need someone who will let me be all emotionally scorn day in and day out and tell me to “get over it”. I do like Gerik though. I liked the way hed laugh at my jokes and how he would only be ticklish in one spot. Id like the way hed hug me and made me feel like being in his arms were where i would be the safest. I liked it when he would do all these things and not al all. I hate that he is in the Marines. Im happy i did not give him my virginity and that we did not emotionally connect with one another otherwise  this would have been harder than it is right now. But i swear to God if anyone ever says that I, “never cared” or that “shes a bitch for breaking up with you” fuck you. Cause i would have never stayed for a year and not tried to make things work. I should not have to justify why i was not happy with someone. I liked gerik, but i could not like him more than this. For this relationship was not a healthy one. - Jan 2nd,2015

if you really think that I broke up with him because of you and not out of my own happiness than you are crazy. - Jan 3rd,2015

So here is the ordeal, as most may not care or be concerned about my love life, I am torn between sticking with whats available and waiting for something better. I literally spent a year and some days with a boy who i honestly wasnt sure if he liked me or need me. Or wanted to like someone and needed someone. I ended with someone i missed but knew wasnt good for me. Then I was turned to a wonderful boy who, quicker than most, basically professed and undying admiration  with me and literally wanted everything that i offered. He unfortunately is active military and I have lost total communication with him. I am not sure how he is doing or if his interest in me died. Then i meet this older guy, i actually met him on new years this year but i didnt really think much of him, but apparently he thought something of me. Then he added me on facebook and then we started talking and then we met again in person at a show and then again and my best friends birthday. We, i gues you could say, kinda hooked up but not really. (i am 100% still a virgin…) And i am not sure if i want to advacne with this guy. He is a very nice and respectable guy . he would not do anything that i was not comfortable with. He is kind and considerate. But he honestly is not someone i could see myself with in the far future but then again i just met him. And I still kind of like the boy who i lost contact with. I am single and young I have a lot of choices in life but i dont think i make the right ones. Ughhhhhh relationships with people suck honestly…. help what the hell do i do?! -Mar 8th,2015 

This would just be my freaking luck, He would come back. He would come back when I was literally to give up all hope of him. I pray and hope he remembers me but at the same time i hope that he doesnt approch me and doesnt make my life that much harder. I cant choose and i dont like having options. I dont like having to think about who i would be better off with or who i actually like. I can stand being so indecisive. At the same time I miss him so much… UGggggggHHHH - Apr 25,2015 

I cant wait till novemember, Im going to be planning a trip to california to see my boyfriend. I know im pretty excited for something that is going to happen like 4 months from now. But itd be the only vacation id have fro a while. Ill get to spoil his hass and take him to six flags and I get to do lame couple things. What i really want to do is get thous leather engraved bracelets. That would make me the happiest soul. Haha and I also get to look forward to the Marine Corps Ball, I never got to go to prom so its kinda like the same thing right?? I can not wait, so excited.  - Jul 22,2015 

It kinda terrifies me in a way how much of a minor change I noticed in me. And im talking into terms as far as my relationship goes with Gerik. Its not a bad change its actually pretty good to be honest. I feel a lot more peaceful and its kinda sad that I was not able to reach this level of happiness by myself. The only reason it probably took me so long to like someone was because I felt like I should love myself first. I still admit to not loving myself but im sure a lot of people share that common problem.

    He doesnt let me be sad by myself and I really cant seem to lie to him. I sure dont tell him everything yea, but if her were to ask id say everything. I dont know he makes me happy and probably upsets me the most at the same time. I feel like hes too good to be true cause I’ve never met someone who has been as patient with me as he has been. I may doubt him from time to times cause sometimes i just dont believe someone could actually like me. Cause lets be honest. Im a pretty shitty person inside and out. But he never fails to reassure me in many ways. Hes a wonderful boyfriend and I cant wait to see him in November. Idk I just feel like he made me a lot more forgiving and kinder to myself. I would usually sulk about a lot of things but he makes them minor i dont know how to explain it but hes a great guy. - Aug 8th,2015 

My boyfriend is simple, and a lot of boys and girls are these days. I for one and not one of them. Im like a rubics cube that someone switched the stickers on. He’s the type of person who says things once meaning if he really misses me and wants to explain it he will only tell me once. Thats all he thinks he needs to say. But in my head I feel like if I am not reminded that I am wanted and loved I’ll feel like he doesnt like me anymore. I dont know yes I need affection but I also dont want to be smothered. I dont know. Im just kinda irritated with myself in all honesty. Just because he doest tell me everyday that he still loves me as much as he wants to make me think he does, i start to think he doesnt fancy me anymore. I just feel life I annoy him so much with how needy I am. I just dont date well.  A lot of the times i feel like i like him so much more than he likes me idk. Im a hopeless cause.  - Aug 19th,2015 

I feel like he’s slowly getting tired of me. Maybe I’m getting tired of myself I don’t know. But whatever this feeling is I don’t like it - Aug 22nd,2015 

I am always stuck between wanting Gerik to get enough sleep for work and also wanting to be selfish and talk to him all night. It really sucks that my first relationship is long distance. Im usually pretty level headed till I hang out with friends and end up being a third wheel. I love how excited I get when I see him but I also get really sad when I haven’t had enough of him. Does that make sense? I’m literally counting down the days till the next time I get to see him and they feel like forever. I just want to hug him like really just feel the warmth and the security his arms give me. I’m being really extra tonight cause he had to be awake at 7am and I only got to take to him for about 30 minutes. That sounds like a lot but I’m a needy person who wants his attention. I miss him so much :( - Oct 27th,2015 

Its annoying, well I guess in annoying. Its like I always want to be honest with the way I feel. I just can’t do it all the time. Okay, so when you’re upset or start getting upset there is something making you feel that way. My problem is, if I’m being too sensitive or if I am justified for being upset. At times I catch myself getting upset for things that are either out of my control or out of the other parties control. So I keep it to myself its not their problem. However when it comes to Gerik I feel like I over react all the time and I can’t tell if I’m just a fucking baby or I’m right to be angry. I think I annoy him all the time and that he doesn’t really care about the things I say or do. I don’t know, ugh. Like yesterday night we were talking and usually we pause during conversation cause we don’t really have much to say so he hung up assuming I was asleep I called him back and he was answered kinda sounding pissed off and he was like “what!” And I asked him if that was me or him, that hung up, and he said that it was him and kinda asked why I called him back and groaned about it. So yeah I got upset and I said “I get it you’re tired I’ll hang up now it’s fine, good night. ” he stopped me from hanging up and he was like “what’s wrong, its okay if we still talk.” I said not everything is fine good night. But he insisted it was okay but it kinda got awkward so i just told him to hang up. I don’t know so I kinda just stopped talking to him to collect my thoughts idk. - Nov 2,2015 

Honestly, leaving San Diego was the hardest thing that I did. I have no idea what came over me but I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend , I didn’t want him to get up that morning to get ready for duty. As I was saying goodbye I literally started to cry and I kept on crying an hour into my drive to Vegas. I didn’t let him see my tears cause I’m a G, but they were sure there when he wasn’t looking. He leaves me all the time and I never cried. The two years of if I’ll see him or he’s only here for 2 days then gone for 5 months. I never once cried beside that one time. I love him so, so, much and its kinda scary. He tells me his room still smells like me when he goes in there. Its so funny cause all I did was sleep in his bed. But it makes me sorta happy. I really should have stole one of his shirts. God, I miss him so much. I didn’t know I’m such a baby. Ha. - Nov 17th,2015 

Let me be the first one to tell you how much better I feel as a person now that I am no longer with Gerik. You know, it took me a while to realize that he really wasn’t the one for me. It took me almost 2 years and some odd months. I had to stop making up excuses for him. The excuses that this is his first relationship and that he doesn’t understand me as a person and that he’ll learn with time ya know? Well he never did, no matter if I cried to him or if I talked to him. In the end it’s just be that I’m the crazy one or that it’s my fault. Never once did I remember him taking the blame for anything. Not that it was always his fault but the fact that he’d never own up to it when it was. I felt like I was just used sexually he’d only ever put any effort when he thought we were gonna do “something” later on in the night. I always felt that he only was with me because I was the only thing available to him. He never really took the time to get to know me as a person he knew what everyone else knew the basics. I never felt genuinely loved in my relationship with him. I convinced myself over and over again that I was loved. I’m just really sad that I had to experience the things that I did to just realize that he wasn’t the one I needed to wake up to everyday ya know? I tell everyone that I want to get over what Edwin did to me but I get really scared. I still get scared when someone gets in the same position he did to me. I start to feel dirty. I start to get flash backs and start to get defensive. I know that gerik would never force himself on me or anything but when he got on top of me like that I started to freak out. I yelled and got so defensive and the fact that he didn’t get off right away scared the shit out of me. I don’t know man. It just really felt like he didn’t care for me man. So now I want to talk about Ramon, he’s such a sweet heart. I know that I won’t be dating him anytime soon I’m still recovering but he’s such an amazing person. And let me state that no, I did not leave gerik for Ramon. I left gerik for me and myself only. I am my own person and I can do whatever I feel is right for me. But Ramon actually listens to what I have to say and what I have on my mind and understands me emotionally. And that’s all that I have been looking for my whole life. I hope this isn’t just my distraction and that this is something that is good for me. The only thing I worry about is how we will mix as people. To me he’s really nice and cool but outside of that he might be hard to get along with. Ya know? He’s a thug, and active gang member. So I hope I’m not mixing with the wrong crowd but I will stay true to myself all the way. I like Ramon for Ramon, and will not labels change my opinion. I just know he gets me in ways I wish other people did. Almost like serigo understood me but in a goofy way and that’s my favorite part. Ughhhh so that’s where I am in life right now. I’m just going to concentrate on doing me. And loving myself more. And Ramon is a great distraction from feeling lonely. A real good one. - April 16th,2016 

And now i am with my amazing boyfriend for about 1 year, yeah we hit major bumps in the road but now were just growing <3