#im a self depricating piece of shit lol

[multifandombitxh]

Title: Devil in the Details (ch.5) Pairing: Cassian Andor x Fem!Reader Genre: Angst Warnings: None A/N: I’m not gonna lie, I hated the last chapter lol. I rushed myself too much and it could have been better. You never get better if you give up, though! So I put a lot of effort into this chapter. Hope it’s okay<3 Tag list: @badwolfandtimelords @the-glasses-are-my-disguise @geeky-girl-394  @princeofsassgard @wisestydia14 @seargantbcky @swviolinlorei @jedishrubbery Chapters 1-4: (tumblr) (AO3)

V: Between A Rock and A Hard Place

True to his word, K-2SO was making an effort to “like” you, hard as it was. He was constantly apologizing whenever he made a snide remark, which would be nice if he would stop making them all together. Silver linings, you figured.

You found it pretty strange, though. It was like you were seeing more of the droid than you were of Cassian, but you passed it off as work getting in the way. He’d been especially busy lately so it was impossible to see each other for more than a few minutes at a time. Strangely, K wasn’t nearly as busy, so he kept you company whenever he felt the need. More often than not, he had messages from Cassian to deliver to you, which he hated reciting back. You, on the other hand, thought it was adorable.

“There’s something different about you, Y/N,” K2 said as he walked beside you.

“Different how?” you asked, power walking to keep up, like always.

“You’re glowing,” he replied simply, “Are you pregnant?”

You stopped dead in your tracks.

“I assumed that’s something you and Cassian have been up to. If I’m wrong, please correct me,” he went on.

You held up your hand to stop him. “No, you’re not wrong. I just… I don’t feel pregnant,” you said, looking down at your stomach.

“That may be something to consider,” he said.

“I’m not pregnant, K.”

“I still look forward to being an uncle someday.”

You rolled your eyes and opened the door to the infirmary. “I’ll see you later today. Give Cass my best, okay?”

“Before you go,” he said, making you halt your movements. “There’s something very important I need to tell you.”

You looked between him and the medical bay, trying to gauge how much time you could get away with. It was relatively empty that morning so you decided to humor him.

“Okay,” you said, letting the door shut. “Tell me.”

“When you first met Cassian,” he began, “He tried to kill you, didn’t he?”

You shrugged. “Kind of. He basically shoved a blaster in my face, so…”

“He was going to kill you when you returned him to me,” K said abruptly, “He changed his mind when he realized he’d forgotten the Intel we were there to gather.”

“Wait, what?” you asked, half chuckling at the statement. He had to be joking.

“He planned to gain the Empire’s secrets through you, because we were empty handed.”

Your eyebrows drew together as you tried to make sense of his words. Your Cassian, the man you’d fallen so deeply in love with, had lied to you from the start? If that really were the case, who was to say it wasn’t all a lie?

“However, he changed his mind again, that indecisive idiot. Cassian loves you, he never lets me forget. It’s quite disgusting at times,” he continued, “But he hid the truth from you to spare your feelings. I thought you should know if you’re really serious about him.”

“Thanks for telling me, K,” you said, lost in your thoughts. You turned to walk away when he stopped you again.

“Please, don’t hurt him,” he said, “He may be an idiot, but he is still my friend.”

You nodded and entered the infirmary, your mind racing. Needless to say, the whole conversation left you uneasy and made it hard to focus on your work. Doing the best you could didn’t seem to be cutting it, but it was all you could do not to dash out of the room to ask Cassian for the truth.

The way you saw it, when you did confront him, there would be hell to pay.

By the end of the day, you were itching the leave work to find out what was really going on. You believed K2, he wouldn’t lie to you like that. He was physically incapable of it, actually. Because of this, you began to question your judgement of Cassian and if you’d rushed into things too quickly with someone you barely knew.

He greeted you with his classic smile and embrace, both of which you returned half-heartedly. Sensing your discomfort, he grabbed you by the shoulders and caught your gaze.

“Are you alright?” he asked, searching your face for answers.

“I need to talk to you about something,” you said, swallowing the rock in your throat. “It’s important.”

Cassian nodded and led you back to the living quarters, his own anxiousness growing as well. The silence that accompanied the walk made him uncomfortable and suspicious. K-2SO wouldn’t have told you, he thought to himself. There was no way he would actually do that, not to him.

Right?

The door to your bedroom shut behind you and you took a deep breath, running both hands through your hair and letting them stop at the base of your neck. Your eyes were dropped to the floor and Cassian watched you pace, so he leaned his back against the wall and waited for you to begin.

“K told me something this morning,” you said, sitting on the edge of your bed.

Cassian felt his heart drop from his chest to his foot and onto the floor.

“He said that you really were going to kill me when we first met,” you continued, “Then that you changed your mind and wanted to get information out of me, since…”

“Since your mother is an Imperial General,” he ended your sentence for you.

You nodded and stared down at your hands. “Was he lying?”

He sighed and looked around the room, at anything and everything that wasn’t you. “No.”

“How long were you pretending?” you asked, your voice and hands shaking.

“One day.”

“Don’t lie to me, Cassian, please.”

“I’m not,” he said, moving to stand in front of you. “I fell in love with you in one day, barely even that.”

You sighed and dropped your head into your hands, your fingers massaging your forehead to keep the oncoming headache at bay. “I can’t believe this.”

“I should have told you,” Cassian sighed shakily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I knew this would happen.”

A tense and deafening silence fell over the room as the two of you organized your thoughts. You thought for sure he could hear your heart racing in your chest through the silence, considering how loud it was in your ears. He couldn’t, because his was just as loud. The world could have been ending and neither of you would have heard it.

“How can I make this right?” he asked softly.

“I don’t think you can,” you replied, “Why couldn’t you have just said something? I would have understood, Cassian. Why did you have to lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie,” he stuttered, kneeling down in front of you. “I just… didn’t tell you the whole truth. I couldn’t, it would have crushed you.”

“I have been used my entire life,” you began, emphasizing your words. “I have been lied to, taken advantage of, made to feel small and insignificant and like I didn’t matter. You made me feel like I was more than what the galaxy thought I was. For the first time since my dad disappeared, I didn’t feel hopeless. Now I’m losing everything all over again because you don’t know how to communicate.”

Cassian sighed and ran a trembling hand through his hair. “You’re not the only one who’s losing something here.”

“That’s your own fault,” you hissed, narrowing your eyes at him. “I didn’t ask for this.”

He dropped his gaze to the floor and stood. “I know you didn’t.”

“Then why keep it from me?” you asked, “Look at me, Cass. Look me in the eye and tell me I deserved this.”

When his eyes locked with yours you felt your insides collapse in on themselves. It was a look you’d seen only once before that shook you to the core. It was the same look he had on his face when he stumbled into the infirmary and pointed a gun in your face. That same pained, angered, and afraid expression.

“You didn’t deserve any of this.”

“Then tell me why.”

He stepped closer, so you stood to match his height. His face was mere inches from yours as he spoke. “I never told you because I loved you enough to spare you the pain. You’d lost enough, and I was going to take even more from you. Be glad I changed my mind.”

“Now you want me to thank you?” you scoffed, pushing him back gently. “All you did was delay the pain, Cassian. It would have hurt less if you’d told me before any of this started.”

“So help me make it right,” he said, his tone softening. “Let me fix this, Y/N. I can’t lose you.”

“You want to fix it? Fine,” you said, pushing past him toward the door. “You can fix it by leaving me the hell alone.”

Cassian stared at you in shock, his heart hammering in his chest and his lungs malfunctioning. His worst nightmares were coming to life right in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop them, try as he did.

There was no question about it. You wouldn’t forgive him, just as he’d predicted.

You opened the door and looked at him expectantly. Hesitantly, he began to leave, but not before leaning in and whispering a final, “I love you,” followed by an, “I’m sorry.”

Once he was gone, you laid in your bed, face down in your pillow and trying to piece your sanity back together. It was hard to tell where the pain began and the anger ended, so all of it melded together into one big haze of tears and tremors. You began to question whether or not you’d made the right choice as you slipped under your covers, the tears on your cheeks growing cold.

Was it really worth it? Was it really worth losing the man whom you loved and who was your only friend over? The line between right and wrong became blurry as you laid there in silence. Taking in shallow breaths and placing your hand on your abdomen, memories of your conversation with K-2SO that morning flooding your already troubled mind

If there was the chance that you were pregnant- which was very likely- it would need to be verified and addressed. You’d have to tell Cassian you were carrying his child, and you just weren’t prepare for that. A sick feeling settled in your gut as you imagined the outcome. You shook the thought from your head and turned onto your side, pulling your sheets up past your mouth and taking a deep breath through your nose. Things would only get worse, there was no denying that. At very least, you could get even a sliver of sleep while you still could, so you did.

When the door slammed shut behind him, Cassian truly felt the gravity of the situation weigh down on his shoulders. He’d finally found someone he could trust and open up to, and he ruined it, as always. There had to be something he could do to win back your trust, and he was determined to figure out what that something was.

An idea flashed into his mind as he wandered the halls. It was a glimmer of an idea that relied on odds that were against him, but it was the best he had. If he could pull it off, there would be no doubt in your mind that he could be trusted. As quickly as he could, he made his way up the stairs and into the meeting room where he found several of the rebel leaders, all of which gave him a disapproving look as he burst into the room.

“Captain Andor, this is a private meeting, what are you-”

“I need everything we have on Y/N’s father.”