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ayo-cowbelly · 4 years

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The Things We Do For Love ~ Part Four

Previous part ~ next part ~ masterlist

IM BACK! haha sorry this took so long, life got in the way

But anyways: here is part four! Only one more part left to go, I hope everyone reading enjoyed this! I LOVE getting comments with thoughts, they honestly make my day :)

Thank you Wookieepedia, for supplying me with obscure planets to use in my writing.

P.S. i know ‘vode’ isn’t technically an official word in Mando’a. but it’s in a warrior chant and there’s no plural for ‘vod’ (at least on mando’a.org) so guess what i’m using vode as plural.

Taglist (if you want to be added, let me know):

@likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @cacodaemonia @halfblood-demigods @ct7567329

***

Finally, after about two weeks since Order 66, they all rendezvoused over Aeos Prime. Their ‘group’ had grown in size- the 212th had been contacted by the 327th, the 104th, along with the 501st. The Senators’ ship and the Negotiator were the first to arrive, however.

The first thing Padmé did when she saw Obi-Wan again was pull him close and hug him, tight. It was rushed, clumsy, and hard to do considering how pregnant she was, but they both needed it.

“How are you holding up, Padmé?” Her friend asked as they walked to the bridge of the Negotiator.

“As well as I can be, in the grand scheme of things. My old mentor is a Sith and now Emperor, the Republic has fallen, everyone thinks I’ve been kidnapped and maybe murdered, the Jedi have been- well, you know…”

Obi-Wan placed a gentle hand on her arm. “I meant, how are you holding up concerning Anakin.”

Oh. Apparently, Vader was a hero to the Empire, having recognized the threat the Jedi posed and “taking care of it”. They weren’t officially releasing his true identity, though some already knew, according to what she’d heard from her contacts. Anakin had been featured prominently on the holonet during the years he was at war, he was bound to be recognized.

Though he seemed almost like a different person now, even by just looking at the holonet. No, even before this, something changed. Something had been off the last few weeks, she’d noticed that much. Ever since he started having those horrible visions of her dying.

Padmé glanced over at Obi-Wan, who’d know if she lied, so she didn’t bother trying. “It’s been hard. But I’ll manage.”

“Padmé, I know you two were… involved, for lack of a better word.”

The Senator faced him, excuses coming to mind -a reflex, after three years of marriage- but she couldn’t keep the tell-tale redness off her cheeks.

“You knew?”

“Of course I knew,” Obi-Wan replied simply, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. And the way he said it, so nonchalantly, relaxed Padmé ever so slightly. “Anakin is anything but subtle. He always did look at you like you hung the stars- it was hard not to notice it, honestly.”

Well. That was that, apparently. Padmé watched as Obi-Wan looked out the windows, and she studied his face; the slight downturn of his lips, the shadows of worry lines etched into his brow, the dark circles under his eyes.

He looked tired.

Maybe he always had, and Padmé had never noticed. Anakin would’ve noticed, she was certain. He always admonished her for working too much- surely he did the same for one of his oldest friends?

Or maybe he didn’t, Padmé wondered, as she stepped up beside her friend and faced the expanse outside. She thought of Anakin’s irritation in regards to Obi-Wan, getting more and more frequent in the last few weeks- months, even.

“Obi-Wan, what are we going to do?” Padmé asked quietly, keeping her eyes forward.

Obi-Wan, who was always so calm, never a hair out of place -Obi-Wan, a Jedi Master, High General, never without a plan or a comeback- reached one hand up to rub his chin as he sighed.

“To be perfectly honest, my friend, I’m not sure I know.”

***

Four Senators, four Commanders, two Jedi, and one former Jedi,.

They were a motley crew, but they’d take what they could get, Cody figured.

After all, they were going up against something entirely different from what they were used to. The eleven of them had been tossing around ideas for hours, crowded in the briefing room as they were. Nobody had come up with a solid plan yet.

Commander Tano (no, not Commander, she insisted on it- but what else was he to call her?) was the next to pipe up. “What if we just… lay siege?” She suggested, sounding exhausted. As she leaned on the console, Cody noticed Rex placing a hand on her shoulder. All that time away, and she’s still his vod’ika, Cody remarked to himself. In a way, it was a comforting thought; it was nice to know know that at least one thing hadn’t changed.

“We can’t lay siege to Coruscant,” Obi-Wan said, equally as worn out, and Cody wanted to take his jetii into his arms and shield him from the galaxy, the galaxy that asked so much of him. Cody pushed the wanting away, shoved it down until it was nothing more than a silent hum in his bones. He concentrated on his General’s words. “There are too many things that could go wrong. For one, we are terribly outnumbered here. Two, they’d see us coming immediately, and the civilians-”

Commander Tano cut him off. “I know we can’t do it, I just- well, we can’t sit here and do nothing. Something needs to be done about Palpatine.” “I know that, Ahsoka, believe me.”

The two of them had been slightly at odds with each other for most of the two days Tano and the 501st had been on board. Cody didn’t ask, and neither of them brought it up. But it was there.

Senator Organa, ever the voice of reason, chimed in. “Before we do anything concerning Palpatine, we should handle Lord Vader,” the atmosphere of the room darkened considerably at the name. Senator Amidala’s face fell, Commander Tano wrapped her arms around herself, Rex glared at the floor, and Obi-Wan looked ashen. Nobody needed to mention who Vader had once been, for they already knew. And the answer was nothing short of horrifying.

Senator Organa went on. “My contacts say Vader barely leaves the Emperor’s side. That will prove to be a problem for us. Sky- Vader is very powerful, and a great threat.”

“You think we should try to get him away from the Emperor, then?” Senator Mothma asked. “Only something of considerable importance would do that. And we can’t be sure the Emperor wouldn’t come along, to keep an eye on things.”

“It’d be illogical for him to go, Senator.” Bly said, speaking for only the third time. Cody was extremely worried about his batchmate. The first time they’d seen each other after the Order went out, Bly looked pale and haunted. Cody recognized the look, one he’d seen on many other soldiers- survivor’s guilt. But this was so much worse. Cody knew, to a certain degree, about Bly and General Secura; he also knew what must have happened on Felucia, but he didn’t say anything. Him, along with Rex and Wolffe, just took Bly to Cody’s quarters and got out the alcohol.

Bly’s voice was quiet but strong. “The Emperor wouldn’t accompany him- he needs to stay on Coruscant, keep the Senate in line. Plus, if Vader was going somewhere dangerous, Palpatine wouldn’t want to endanger himself.”

“Agree with the Commander, I do,” General Yoda said. “Unnecessary danger, he would not put himself in.”

“What if Vader brings along any troopers?” Cody bristled at Senator Chuchi’s words. Empire or no, Cody would not hurt brothers, and he knew the other Commanders would agree. And he was sure that if any of the vode were fighting for the Empire, they weren’t doing it willingly.

“With all due respect, Senator, I won’t order the men to fight brothers.” Cody met her eyes, which softened.

“And I’m not asking you to, Commander. But if we are to do something about Vader, we need to get him by himself.”

“I’ll message him to meet me.” Senator Amidala looked around at them all. “He’ll come alone if I tell him to.”

“Absolutely not-”

“Padmé, you can’t-”

“Senator, please don’t-”

She quieted the objections with a raised hand. “It’s the only way,” she declared. Many of the others opened their mouth to disagree, but she plowed on. “He’ll listen to me. And I can get through to him, I know it.” The last part was said with the smallest twinge of uncertainty, but Senator Amidala remained stoic. “And I’m not changing my mind.”

“Then I’m coming with you.” Cody whipped his head to where Obi-Wan was next to him. “You’ll need protection.”

“He won’t hurt me-” “Then consider me paranoid. I won’t interfere, but I won’t let you go alone,” Obi-Wan assured her.

“And neither will I.” Commander Tano looked up at her old Grandmaster’s widened eyes. “If it is... if it’s him, I need to make sure.” A flicker of pain in her eyes, though she remained steady.

Obi-Wan didn’t disagree with the now-forming plan. But Cody did.

“Sirs,” Cody started, ignoring Tano’s obvious objection to the phrase, “I have to ask you to reconsider. This could potentially go very, very wrong, and we need you here-”

“Nothing will happen to us, Cody, I assure you,” Obi-Wan said to him.

“Every time you say that, General, something happens that proves otherwise.”

Obi-Wan crossed his arms. “Not every time-”

“Almost every time, General, and this time if something were to go wrong- there is a chance you won’t come back.” Cody’s helmet was off, like the other three clones, so Obi-Wan could definitely read the myriad of emotions in the Commander’s eyes. His General reached out and placed a hand on Cody’s shoulder, and for a moment, Cody forgot the others were there.

Obi-Wan, softer now, held Cody’s gaze. “Cody,” he said softly. “I’ll be fine, I promise.” Obi-Wan seemed to read Cody’s mind. “But you can’t come with. I need you here, to watch over things while I’m gone.” The last time you told me that, you faked your death, Cody wanted to say. Instead, he nodded and turned away. They hadn’t spoken about that night a week ago, in Obi-Wan’s quarters. They both acted like it never happened- the opposite of what Cody wanted, but he knew it was what had to be done. But when Obi-Wan spoke like that, soft and gentle and caring, Cody couldn’t help but want something more-

Rex spoke up, interrupting Cody’s internal plight. “General, I have an idea.”

***

Padmé landed the shuttle on Abafar’s desert terrain, nerves getting the best of her. She didn’t know who would meet her there- Anakin, or Vader. She preferred to think of them as two different people. Ani would never do what they said Vader did.

Padmé tried to repress the memory that sprang to mind- one of Tatooine, and a body wrapped in gray, and Anakin with tears in his eyes, yelling about what he’d done to the Tusken Raiders for what they did to his mother.

Or more recently, when he had walked in Clovis almost kissing her. She remembered what he’d done, what he came close to doing.

He’d gone too far that night. “It’s just, something inside me snapped,” He had said.

She knew that happened often, more often than he told her. “I don’t know who’s in there sometimes,” She whispered back.

That was truer than she’d like to admit. A small, small part of Padmé wondered-

No. He couldn’t.

Right?

She stood up and looked to both Obi-Wan and Ahoska, both as much her family as anyone, and made to exit the ship.

Ahsoka grabbed her elbow, stopping her. “Padmé, please, be safe.” Padmé smiled kindly, and hugged the Togruta close.

“I’ll be okay, Ahoska, I promise.”

Obi-Wan didn’t say anything, just met her eyes and nodded, gesturing half-heartedly to the ship’s door. Padmé steeled herself and went outside. The air was very hot, and she silently thanked herself for the decision to wear light clothing.

She only had to wait a few minutes before another shuttle, one that looked to be Imperial, landed not too far away. A lone figure approached, and she knew without a doubt who it was.

But when they got closer, she wasn’t so sure. She could see their face, and she did not recognize it. They looked cold and detached, almost fearsome, and the uncertainty she tried to get rid of flared inside her. She would never be nervous around her husband. This person, whoever he was, was a stranger to her.

Padmé could now see his eyes, which were not the usual bright blue. They were golden. This was not her husband. It couldn’t be.

But she had to try.

“Ani?”

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theworstbob · 8 years

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every grammy for record of the year settled

another installment of what is slowly becoming a series of me pointing at things i’m mostly okay with and making simple jokes instead of writing actual things. i have six rough drafts of fictional shorts i said i wanted to post by the end of january and now its february 11th and fuck, dude, but this is so much easier!

1959 "Catch a Falling Star," by Perry Como "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)," by David Seville "Fever," by Peggy Lee "Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)," by Domenico Modugno

This field actually sets the tone for all the future Grammy categories to come. There's 2 songs that are really fucking good, there's one person who's here because they have a reputation as a person who is popular, there's some fucking awful bullshit that we're only going to remember in five years because it's, y'know, fucking awful bullshit, and then the winner is some obscure nonsense that sort of renders the whole operation moot, like if in 2007 the Oscar for Best Picture went to Chumscrubber, or if the Falcons won the Super Bowl. Peggy Lee/Frank Sinatra : Beyonce/Rihanna+Drake :: Perry Como : Adele, David Seville : Lukas Graham :: Domenico Modugno : twenty one pilots.

Yeah the winner is "Fever." I'm not looking to re-invent the wheel here, the best song of these five is "Fever," like are you kidding me, "Fever." "Fever," guys. "Catch a Falling Star" is a relic of an era where all we wanted from male pop stars was for them to be a gentle father in a sweater to say he's proud of us, "Witchcraft" goes but its only failure is that it's not "Fever," hahaha they actually thought "The Chipmunk Song" would stand the test of time, and "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)?" Fuck outta here, "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)." I have nothing to say to you. What are you? I don't care. You're not "Fever." Also I immediately regret this exercise because now I'm just angry I'm alive in era where songs don't have horn sections. Someone give me a big band cover of "Closer." Yeah I know Postmodern Jukebox did "Closer" BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY I WANTED. DO IT AGAIN.

TRUE ENDING: "Fever"

1960 "A Fool Such as I," by Elvis Presley "High Hopes," by Frank Sinatra "Like Young," by Andre Previn "The Three Bells," by The Browns WINNER: "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darin

Im going to give Andre Previn a shitton of extra credit here for apparently naming his album Secret Songs for Young Lovers, which is a simply killer album title. Like I think only Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek can stand up to that title. I'm also giving it extra credit for being an instrumental, that's just refreshing. It still only adds up to a strong second, I'm not here to be contrarian (yet), they got it right, but yo, Andre Previn! You seem chill.

TRUE ENDING: "Mack the Knife"

1961 "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley "Georgia on My Mind," by Ray Charles "Mack the Knife," by Ella Fitzgerald "Nice 'n Easy," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Theme from A Summer Place," by Percy Faith

Hey! Black people! I legitimately was worried we wouldn't see them for another few years, but hey, they got an early invite (relative to American history)! I like that "Mack the Knife" was nominated again. It makes me wish that, last year, both Tay Tay's "Blank Space" and the indie dudebro's "Blank Space" cover had been nominated simultaneously. When you type "Georgia on My Mind" into the YouTube search bar, suggested searches include "Ludacris," "Willie Nelson," and "Michael Buble," and that is one person away from being a party I'd like to attend. I really want to give this to "Mack the Knife" again because I think that'd be funny, and I, an ignoramus, shouted "YO THIS IS THAT SONG?" the second I heard "Theme from A Summer Place," I've heard that used as a music cue in a billion comedies, that song is iconic, but the winner is "Georgia on My Mind." That song won an Oscar for Jamie Foxx.

TRUE ENDING: "Georgia on My Mind"

1962 "Big Bad John," by Jimmy Dean "The Second Time Around," by Frank Sinatra "Take Five," by The Dave Brubeck Quartet "(Up a) Lazy River," by Si Zentner WINNER: "Moon River," by Henry Mancini

"Big Bad John" just makes me angry that country music used to feel legit and dangerous, and nowadays Brantley Gilbert thinks he's an outlaw because he has a tattoo honoring the 2nd Amendment (a law). I promised myself I wouldn't turn any one part of this into an extended treatise on bro country, but it's not extended if I keep it to two sentences, however compounded they may be! Anyhoo. These are five decidedly not-unpleasant songs by five white dudes. I understand I'm making an assumption about Si Zentner here, but it's 1962. People were still wearing hats in this season of Mad Men, I think it's a safe assumption. I think. I dunno. I think? Yeah, fuck it, "Take Five," that had a pretty boss drum section. Imagine listening to every song made in 1961 and thinking, "Yes. These. I love these five songs." "Stand By Me" was the biggest hit of the year. "Runaway" was number two, I'm pretty sure that was a banger, and if not at least it couldn't be worse than these five. "Hit the Road Jack." "Crying." "Shop Around." "Crazy." Hey guys I just made a hot discovery, I think solely using the Grammy nominees for Record of the Year does not an accurate snapshot of music history provide.

TRUE ENDING: It doesn't matter because it can't be "Stand By Me," but "Take Five" I guess

1963 "Desafinado," by Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd "Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova," by Joe Harnell and His Orchestra "I Can't Stop Loving You," by Ray Charles "What Kind of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr. WINNER: "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," by Tony Bennett

You can pick up some interesting tidbits from music history, though, such as the fact conductors would have "and their orchestra" in their name. I'd be so much more okay with the state of things, as they are, if The Chainsmokers would start going by The Chainsmokers and Their Soundboard. I don't mean to impugn The Chainsmokers' ability as songwriters, I'd listen to "Closer" a million times before I gave any of these songs another spin, I would just prefer more accuracy in my song attribution. Also the extra credit "Like Young" got for being an instrumental is waning. I could have listened to "Run Up" five times. That's what I could have done with these twenty minutes. ...At least they didn't nominate "The Monster Mash." It wouldn't have been without precedent! They could have nominated "The Monster Mash." No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.

TRUE ENDING: "I Can't Stop Loving You"

1964 "Dominique," by The Singing Nun "Happy Days Are Here Again," by Barbra Streisand "I Wanna Be Around," by Tony Bennett "Wives and Lovers," by Jack Jones WINNER: "Days of Wine and Roses," by Henry Mancini

when do the 1960s get to the seasons of mad men with stan in them. oh okay hi there "wives and lovers" aren't you horrible. what a blast from the past you are. why am i doing this. fuck it.

TRUE ENDING: "Dominique"

1965 "Downtown," by Petula Clark "Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong "I Want to Hold Your Hand," by The Beatles "People," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "The Girl from Ipanema," by Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz

HERE. WE. FUCKING. GO. Holy shit. Up-tempo music! Songs I wouldn't only ever listen to in hotel lobbies, that aren't all the exact same ballad! What good fortune! We can actually have a fun debate over which of these songs was actually the best! Sort of. I mean. Just in terms of cultural impact, it's "I Want to Hold Your Hand." I wouldn't dare argue that "I Want to Hold Your Hand" isn't a historically significant song. But "Downtown" is just a nice song about going to the city and seeing a moviefilm, "Hello, Dolly!" is just a wonderful little ditty which brings to mind Freakazoid, "People," erm, and "The Girl from Ipanema" is about as surreal as it gets when you're talking about Record of the Year nominees. And we're not talking about cultural impact, y'know? (At least for now, this is gonna go all over the place.) We're talking about my shitty opinion which, here, overlaps with that of the Grammys in this instance. "The Girl from Ipanema" is dope.

TRUE ENDING: "The Girl from Ipanema"

1966 "Yesterday," by The Beatles "The 'In' Crowd," by The Ramsey Lewis Trio "King of the Road," by Roger Miller "The Shadow of Your Smile," by Tony Bennett WINNER: "A Taste of Honey," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

It sounds like taking the easy way out to pick what is widely recognized as the best song ever made by what is widely recognized as the best rock band of all time, but. Um. It's really hard to argue for the other four songs here. You could, in a vacuum, almost make an argument for "The 'In' Crowd?" But I'm at the point in this project where I am completely okay with the idea of never hearing a jazz instrumental ever again. Also I regret being mean to Barbra Streisand the last two years, you're right, those jokes were unair, she's a national treasure and I miss the days when true theatre kids could score Record of the Year noms. The only representation theatre kids get in pop music these days is Tay Tay, and that's disappointing. Anyhoo, yeah, fucking "Yesterday." Whatever.

TRUE ENDING: "Yesterday"

1967 "Almost Persuaded," by David Houston "Monday, Monday," by The Mamas & the Papas "What Now My Love," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass "Winchester Cathedral," by The New Vaudeville Band WINNER: "Strangers in the Night," by Frank Sinatra

One positive from this experience is that all the Mario Maker videos that YouTube had been recommending to me for months are being replaced with songs from the '60s YouTube thinks I might enjoy. Lemme talk about my YouTube recommendations window for a hot second because it’s gone through some shit to get me to watch Mario Maker content. There was a chain. Like, carlsagan42, I could understand, I'd watched AGDQ VODs that featured him, YouTube knew I liked speedrunning and Let's Plays of Mario Maker, here's this guy. And GrandPooBear, that was fair, he was in AGDQ, he seemed like a chill dude, it made sense I would enjoy him, too. But now it's recommending just random dudes to me. "Here's a white dude with a beard playing carlsagan's troll level!" Alright, I guess I fuck with him, he seems chill. "Hey! We found this white dude with a beard playing that white dude with a beard's troll level!" Wh - okay, this is, why is his display name Japanese, I don't, why are y "Here's a dude who just plays troll levels!" GREAT, WHY. WHY DID HE MAKE A CAREER OF DOING THAT. These songs are uninspiring, is what I'm saying. In 1966, notable releases (according to Wikipedia so who actually knows but I'ma go with it) include "The Sound of Silence," "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," "When a Man Loves a Woman," "Paint it Black," "You Can't Hurry Love," "It's a Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)," "Good Vibrations," "I'm a Believer," and "You Keep Me Hanging On." "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." "God Only Knows!" I listened to "Winchester Cathedral." None of these songs deserve any recognition.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Monday, Monday" but legit who could find it in them to care

1968 "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," by Glen Campbell "My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames "Ode to Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry "Somethin' Stupid," by Nancy Sinatra & Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Up, Up and Away," by The 5th Dimension

R E S P-E C T No but like legit there was one year where it sounded like the Grammys were finally over the '50s. Ah, but no! No. ...The world had "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in 1967. Fucking, a version of "Try a Little Tenderness" dropped in 1967. AND THEY HAD "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER." I AM APPALLED. I AM AGHAST. THIS I -- man, fuck this awards show in particular. I'm giving this to "Ode to Billie Joe" because it's the only song of this bunch I feel I'm being unfair to by bringing up better songs. That song holds its own. It's dark, it's grim, it fucks you up in all the right ways. It's the rare song that feels dated because it's so far ahead of its genre's current game. And I guess I'm down with "Up, Up and Away," too, sure, yeah, whatever, I'm down for a nice song about balloon rides. Everything else, tho. Especially "Somethin' Stupid." Wow. That sure is a thing that happened. That sure is a thing multiple people thought was a great idea! My stars.

TRUE ENDING: "Ode to Billie Joe"

1969 "Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Riley "Hey Jude," by The Beatles "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro "Wichita Lineman," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon & Garfunkel

In back-to-back years, country songs performed by women were nominated for Record of the Year and subsequently adopted into feature-length films. Country music used to own, is the primary takeaway from this exercise so far. Anyhoo. I'm not gonna judge these nominees by what they could have been, because it's not necessarily these songs' fault they're not the songs that actually define this era of American history. They're nice, safe songs, and it's totally understandable why a committee wouldn't disagree with making these the five songs they wanted to present to an increasingly discomfited public for their good-time parade of nice-seeming celebrity. I don't know why I expected an awards show to lead any kind of movement in the late 1960s, it's not their job now and it certainly wasn't then, but I thought I'd at least be getting jams from the past. I got the worst Beatles song and "My Cup Runneth Over."

TRUE ENDING: "Harper Valley PTA"

1970 "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash "Is That All There Is?" by Peggy Lee "A Time for Us," by Henry Mancini "Spinning Wheel," by Blood, Sweat & Tears WINNER: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," by The 5th Dimension

Well, this is the least disappointing batch of nominees in years! These songs are more than unobjectionable. "A Boy Named Sue" and "Is That All There Is?" and "Aquarius" are all unimpeachable. Picking one of those three is rough, but honestly I'm just stoked to have a hard choice to make. ...I almost want to go with "A Boy Named Sue" just so I don't have to agree with the Grammys after slagging on them so much, but like "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Like, I have a vision of what the 1970s sounded like, and I just typed I had a vision of what something sounded like and I need to like take a walk or drink a water or something. Take a moment, take a breath, come back stronger.

TRUE ENDING: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"

1971

"(They Long to Be) Close to You," by The Carpenters "Everything is Beautiful," by Ray Stevens "Fire and Rain," by James Taylor "Let It Be," by The Beatles WINNER: "Bridge Over Troubled Water," by Simon & Garfunkel

...OK I'm not into any of these so let's just list other notable songs that were likely released in 1970. "ABC." "Big Yellow Taxi." "Black Magic Woman." "Express Yourself." "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine." "I WANT YOU BACK." They nominated a song which explicitly states that everything is beautiful and ignored the song which provides IRREFUTABLE FUCKING PROOF the world is beautiful. We're not done. "Lola." "The Letter." "Paranoid." "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS." NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ONLY THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. THAT HAS NO PLACE IN THE GRAMMYS! WHY SHOULD IT? THERE'S TOO MANY BALLADS IN THE WORLD FOR US TO PAY "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS" ANY MIND. Shit. I dunno. How could I possibly know.

TRUE ENDING: "(They Long to Be) Close to You"

1972 "Joy to the World," by Three Dog Night "My Sweet Lord," by George Harrison "Theme from Shaft," by Isaac Hayes "You've Got a Friend," by James Taylor WINNER: "It's Too Late," by Carole King

OH HELL YES. I can get behind this field, which is to say: I am getting behind the theme from Shaft. "Joy to the World" is lovably loony, I'm not about to speak ill of Carole King, "My Sweet Lord" is about as good a song like that as you're ever gonna find, but Shaft. Shaft, y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Theme from Shaft"

1973 "Alone Again (Naturally)," by Gilbert O'Sullivan "American Pie," by Don McLean "Song Sung Blue," by Neil Diamond "Without You," by Harry Nilsson WINNER: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack

"Superstition." I honestly don't get what Kanye hopes to accomplish by boycotting the Grammys when the Grammys couldn't give "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" or "Superstition" their due. What even was that Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense. Criminy. This is, this is just who they are, y'know? Neil Diamond sings the blues. That most iconic blues performer, Neil Diamond. They get no points for giving the trophy to Roberta Flack. Roberta Flack is something we can all agree on, you don't get a PhD in astronomy for pointing at the sun and saying "that's a bright ol' star!" and you don't get credence as a song-recognizing function for recognizing Roberta Flack made a good song.

TRUE ENDING: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"

1974 "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown," by Jim Croce "Behind Closed Doors," by Charlie Rich "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," by Stevie Wonder "You're So Vain," by Carly Simon WINNER: "Killing Me Softly with His Song," by Roberta Flack

I. I don't WANT to agree with this terrible program twice in a row. I'm glad to see Stevie eventually got a make-up nom, but I don't really feel that song too deeply (at least, judged against the rest of his catalogue; this would be the best song Gilbert O'Sullivan ever made by a country-ass mile), and no that doesn't make any sense but I've listened to 16 years' worth of songs the Grammys think are good, I'm not in a good place right now. I could easily say "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" takes it, it's a great song, it wouldn't be that b -- but "Killing Me Softly with His Song," though! Am I sort of giving it the nod because of The Fugees' version? Yes, but, see, The Fugees' version doesn't get nominated, so.

TRUE ENDING: "Killing Me Softly with His Song"

1975 "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," by Elton John "Feel Like Makin' Love," by Roberta Flack "Help Me," by Joni Mitchell "Midnight at the Oasis," by Maria Muldaur WINNER: "I Honestly Love You," by Olivia Newton-John

...I mean. I sort of decided to make Roberta Flack a hero today after spending a lifetime not thinking of her that often? But I spent the entire 1960s listening to jazz compositions and friendly dads giving me life advice. "Feel Like Makin' Love" is, when considering the scale of this project, like breathing in skunkless country air after a lifetime in the city. Which isn't to say "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" isn't the class of the pop sub-genre Songs Clay Aiken Can Capably Perform, or that "Help Me" isn't a jam. Just, Roberta Flack made three nice songs, and that makes this project worth pursuing somehow, no matter how many times I have to listen to blondes whisper about how much they love someone.

TRUE ENDING: "Feel Like Makin' Love"

1976 "At Seventeen," by Janis Ian "Lyin' Eyes," by Eagles "Mandy," by Barry Manilow "Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain & Tennille

the best song i heard in this batch was the five seconds of rock guitar in the miller lite ad that presaged "rhinestone cowboy." i mean, on its own, "rhinestone cowboy" would have been the true ending, but that five seconds of guitar the youtube advertising algorithm attached to the beginning pushed it over the top.

TRUE ENDING: "Rhinestone Cowboy"

1977 "Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon "I Write the Songs," by Barry Manilow "If You Leave Me Now," by Chicago WINNER: "This Masquerade," by George Benson

...So, it's been a while, right, since we complained that what was presented to us isn't what it could've been? But since a clear novelty song about bangin' when the sun's out was given a nod, let's see what else 1976 had to offer. Hm, well, the two biggest hits of the year were "Dancing Queen" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." Those aren't too egregious, assuming your standard for egregious is "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours." Which is to say, if you're dead inside, those aren't notable omissions. "Baby, I Love Your Way" is as basic as anything in this field, but I think people remember that as an Actually Good song, so I'ma bring that up. "I Wish!" "The Rubberband Man" is the best song about a fat man playing his body as an instrument you're ever like to hear. "Squeeze Box" was the centerpoint of one of the better Freaks & Geeks scenes. I'm listening to "I Write the Songs." Everyone who thinks the past is better is wrong. "I Write the Songs” is a less self-aware version of "7 Years." "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is acceptable, I guess. It was compelling, and it grabbed my attention. I think "This Masquerade" had its moments, but "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" had me. I dunno. I think it's just bad that I, a music history simpleton, could come up with a viable ROTY field with like half a minute of looking at Wikipedia. Hell, I'm gonna go ahead and be super unfair and judge the Grammys for not seeing into the future and seeing all the dope tweets about "The Boys Are Back in Town."

TRUE ENDING: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

1978 "Blue Bayou," by Linda Rondstadt "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue," by Crystal Gayle "Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star Is Born)," by Barbra Streisand "You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone WINNER: "Hotel California," by Eagles

I'm going to give this year props for featuring four songs performed by women in the ROTY field. Remember my alt-nominee field from last year? The only women in that field were in ABBA. So at least the Grammys got this right, ignore the racial composition of this field DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT, and then it would be until 1999 that the Grammys would have another year with a 4:1 female:male ratio in this category. Anyway, "Blue Bayou." If that surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.

TRUE ENDING: "Blue Bayou"

1979 "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty "Feels So Good," by Chuck Mangione "Stayin' Alive," by Bee Gees "You Needed Me," by Anne Murray WINNER: "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel

...i thought we were done with jazz instrumentals. another fool am i. Anyway fuck everything in this world that isn't the sax solo in "Baker Street" for not being the sax solo in "Baker Street." See that song is basically a jazz instrumental, but,,, the sax solo in "Baker Street" is maybe the greatest thing that's ever been? Also let's just note how the first disco song nominated for Record of the Year is by three white dudes. Dope. History is cool. But at least we have the sax solo from "Baker Street" to keep us warm.

TRUE ENDING: "Baker Street"

1980 "After the Love Has Gone," by Earth, Wind and Fire "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond WINNER: "What a Fool Believes," by The Doobie Brothers

listen, i took some time off to do other things, and then i woke up at two am this morning and said, "let's continue this fool's errand!" and i made it through a few years and now it's two hours later and i am interesting in selecting the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS CHOICE and moving on

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Survive"

1981 "The Rose," by Bette Midler "Lady," by Kenny Rogers "Theme from New York, New York," by Frank Sinatra "Woman in Love," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "Sailing," by Christopher Cross

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. um. i mean, 1980 isn't a particularly inspiring year? but got.DAMN this field is so bad "escape (the pina colada song)" has a viable claim to snub status. how did this awards show survive? how did we never do better than this? are we just committed to not being into the american music awards?

TRUE ENDING: "Woman in Love"

1982 "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," by Christopher Cross "(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon "Endless Love," by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie "Just the Two of Us," by Grover Washington, Jr. with Bill Withers "Bette Davis Eyes," by Kim Carnes

I've listened to two Christopher Cross songs and "Endless Love" before having any coffee, which was a mistake. We're at this weird point in history where my unearned nostalgia doesn't exist because I'm pretty sure the '80s were mostly terrible, and the Grammys aren't 1981 bad because I get a chance to shout out Bill Withers (which I'm sure he totally appreciates, this sort of seems like something that wouldn't insult his very being, is some asshat pointing out how great he is in a whole entire piece where nothing of substance is ever said), but they're still really fuckin' bad. Also ignore what I said about the '80s being terrible because fuckin' "9 to 5" was dropped this year, as was "Don't Stop Believin'!" They selected John Lennon's best Queen impression. Dead Kennedys released a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off!" in 1981. That classic is, somehow, timeless.

TRUE ENDING: "Just the Two of Us"

1983 "Steppin' Out," by Joe Jackson "Ebony and Ivory," by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder "Always on My Mind," by Willie Nelson "Chariots of Fire," by Vangelis WINNER: "Rosanna," by Toto

As alluded to above, I am a card-carrying member of something I guess I have to call Poo Nation. (There is no card, regrettably.) I'd have to check the rules, but I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to besmirch the good name of Toto, even if the song in question is not "Africa." I think "Steppin' Out" might've been a good true ending in an alternate universe, and it's hard to deny "Chariots of Fire" is legendary (if anything has to be the last instrumental I hear while doing this, I'm glad it was that), but I'm not tryna incur anyone's wrath here. Also, hey, here's Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson, getting makeup nods for lesser tracks. "Ebony and Ivory," that's just a more prestigious version of "Accidental Racist." No one should feel good about that song. But the first six seconds of Rosanna, that's a sort of "pinnacle of human achievement" thing, that's something we should put in a museum.

TRUE ENDING: "Rosanna"

1984 "Flashdance... What a Feeling," by Irene Cara "Every Breath You Take," by The Police "All Night Long (All Night)," by Lionel Richie "Maniac," by Michael Sembello WINNER: "Beat It!" by Michael Jackson

Wh... What is this? What just happened? A whole five songs I've listened to outside the context of this project? Songs which all still endure to this day? A winner that could actually stake a claim as the most iconic song of 1983? The Grammys! It's like you just took off your glasses and did your hair all fancy and showed up to prom, and I'm just like, oh shit, the theatre dork was actually hot all along! Did we find it? Did we find the turning point? Did Flashdance provide the turning point? Is that the movie musical you guys watched and thought, "Oh shit, this music actually kind of goes, I think we oughta get with the times?" /looks at the next year/ IT IS! Bless you, Flashdance. Bless this change you provoked in the Grammys. I'm not about to do something silly like not pick "Beat It!" but I will at least acknowledge that you are phenomenal and were the true spark that ignited the Grammys and also no one involved in your production ever fucked any kids, probably.

TRUE ENDING: "Beat It!"

1985 "Hard Habit to Break," by Chicago "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper "The Heart of Rock 'n Roll," by Huey Lewis and the News "Dancing in the Dark," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

hm. it's such a tight field we have here. not a one clear standout in this bunch. i don't know. this is a tough choice. i'm sure glad i wasn't a voting member in 1985. imagine seeing the choice laid before you and slowly having the impossibility of the task ahead dawn on you. what a daunting prospect. (tell ya what tho, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is a strong-as-hell second place, and "Dancing in the Dark" is possibly the strongest bronze.)

TRUE ENDING: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

1986 "Money for Nothing," by Dire Straits "The Boys of Summer," by Don Henley "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis & the News "Born in the U.S.A.," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "We Are the World," by USA for Africa

oh praise ra i actually get to break from the grammys So I think "The Power of Love" is solid, I think it'd be hard to find someone who'd say they have any sort of disagreement with this sound. "Born in the U.S.A." is similarly a classic. I love how The Other Side keeps trying to repurpose it as a rousing anthem for them when it is an absolutely scathing indictment of what has become of the American working class. It's such a self-own, playing this song at Republican conventions, and I love it every time it happens. You think they'd have learned how to process subtlety by now! But: I am not attached to "Born in the U.S.A." too deeply beyond that. As an emokid straight outta the mid-aughts (hey there goes my claim to any valid political opinion! later, bro!), have a special connection to "Boys of Summer," tho. Is Don Henley's version The Ataris' version? No. It is not. But we set the precedent in the Roberta Flack threepeat that, even though this is Record of the Year, we will recognize the power of the composition. We also must acknowledge that "Money for Nothing" is the absolute fucking worst.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boys of Summer"

1987 "Sledgehammer," by Peter Gabriel "Greatest Love of All," by Whitney Houston "Addicted to Love," by Robert Palmer "That's What Friends Are For," by Dionne Warwick & Friends WINNER: "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood

One other notable change, apart from the fact the songs are now actual songs that I can imagine people casually listening to in the era in which they were released: these songs are fucking long. You go back to the first Grammys, I don't think any songs lasted past 3:15, and now we have "Sledgehammer," which lasts five minutes. All the songs from the 1986 field were five minutes long. It sort of feels like we've trimmed the excess in our modern era, because my reaction to all these songs is, "Alright, I'm feeling this one! I am grooving! ...Okay, I've grooved. I've felt it. You can go now. No, you can g -- oh, more? OK, cool, I guess that's cool." Except "Addicted to Love." That's a positively breezy four minutes, and it holds the attention the entire time. It's slightly leery? It's kind of "Blurred Lines"y? But it's not overtly gross that it's unworthy of celebration!

TRUE ENDING: "Addicted to Love"

1988 "La Bamba," by Los Lobos "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," by U2 "Luka," by Suzanne Vega "Back in the High Life Again," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Graceland," by Paul Simon

...Yeah, fuck it, "La Bamba," I don't like that the choice I have to make is a cover of a '50s hit, but HASHTAG GRAMMYS, amirite. Time to look at Wikipedia because the Grammys have displeased me! ...OK, so there's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." "Alone" has been a stable of reality singing competitions for thirty years, now! "Bad" woulda been acceptable. "Don't Dream It's Over" may not be the most notable tune in the world, but unlike eventual champion "La Bamba," it was made in 1987. "UM "FAITH" HOW ABOUT?! "The Final Countdown" is listed as a 1987 single and I get why it wouldn't get ROTY love but I would be remiss not to point out its presence on the list. Who doen't love "(I Just) Died in Your Arms?" LL Cool J coulda gotten some hype, I'm not gonna pretend to be familiar with '80s rap but that's a name I know. "Need You Tonight" got INXS a reality show 20 years later. WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE EASILY REPLACED "LA BAMBA" WITH "RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU." "Welcome to the Jungle" is a metal song, sure, but you're gonna tell me that's less influential than "Graceland?" Also I changed my mind because I forgot how fucking good "Luka" is.

TRUE ENDING: "Luka."

1989 "Giving You the Best That I Got," by Anita Baker "Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman "Man in the Mirror," by Michael Jackson "Roll with It," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin

I commend "Don't Worry, By Happy" for laying the foundation for maybe the greatest Key & Peele sketch, and I'm loathe to pick two unrelentingly sad songs about good people in awful situations in a row, but, like, "Fast Car." "Fast Car," y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Fast Car"

1990 "The End of the Innocence," by Don Henley "She Drives Me Crazy," by Fine Young Cannibals "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel "The Living Years," by Mike + the Mechanics WINNER: "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler

So apparently the two things I liked about the 1980s are the kitschy one-hit-wonder-y singles that are completely of their times, and the songs about horrifying tragedies. But y'know what at least those were closer to the vision of '80s music I had in my head than the options from the '70s were to ‘70s music. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. I've listened to a lot of bad and/or trashy music. For no reason. When was the last time I asked why I was doing this? I would like to ask that question again: why am I doing this

TRUE ENDING: "She Drives Me Crazy"

1991 "Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey "U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer "From a Distance," by Bette Midler "Nothing Compares 2 U," by Sinead O'Connor WINNER: "Another Day in Paradise," by Phil Collins

MC Hammer has more ROTY nominations as a performer than Prince. The first rap song ever nominated for ROTY was "U Can't Touch This." MC Hammer was the first rapper to earn a ROTY nomination. ...You're right, this isn't fair, MC Hammer apparently built himself, and the distinction easily could've gone to MC Skat Kat. That's the motto: no matter how bad, it could always be worse. TRUE ENDING: "Vision of Love"

1992 "(Everything I Do) I Do it for You," by Bryan Adams "Baby Baby," by Amy Grant "Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt "Losing My Religion," by R.E.M. WINNER: "Unforgettable," by Natalie Cole w/Nat King Cole

I am 100% convinced "Unforgettable" only won because the Grammys were completely in love with the fact Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole performed together. "Look!" they said, laughing and clapping. "Their names are of similar mouthsound! Delightful!" Anyway, instead of the idiosyncratic rock song, we're going with the country song about doin' it.

TRUE ENDING: "Something to Talk About"

1993 "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus "Beauty & the Beast," by Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson "Constant Craving," by k.d. lang "Save the Best for Last," by Vanessa Williams WINNER: "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton

OH SHIT THE GRAMMYS JUST HIT US WITH THE THROWBACK! Awful novelty single? CHECK. Treacly ballad? CHECK. Ponderous slow song from an influential-but-overlooked performer? I FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING IT BECAUSE IT'S A SONG ABOUT HIS KID WHO DIED BUT, OKAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, CHECK. And we have A NEW KIND OF BAD this year: THE POP VERSION OF THE SONG FROM THE MOVIE MUSICAL. Angela Lansbury or GTFO. k.d. lang does sort of earn this by default, I'm not gonna lie to you and say I dug the song presented to me, but I absoltuely respect the pioneering work she did in advancing stylization in performers' name. k.d. lang paved the streets on which Panic! At the Disco marches.

TRUE ENDING: "Constant Craving"

1994 "A Whole New World," by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle "The River of Dreams," by Billy Joel "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," by Sting "Harvest Moon," by Neil Young WINNER: "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston

The end result is always the same, no matter what, but hoo boy, this sequence is something else. '90s music is generally ugh, but you had "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," "Mr. Jones," "No Rain," "Shoop," "What's Up?" But this. Billy Joel. Again. It's only been three times or something but it feels like Billy Joel has been nominated for this award every year.

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Always Love You"

1995 "I'll Make Love to You," by Boyz II Men "He Thinks He'll Keep Her," by Mary Chapin Carpenter "Love Sneakin' up on You," by Bonnie Raitt "Streets of Philadelphia," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "All I Wanna Do," by Sheryl Crow

The Grammys have relapsed pretty hard. And because we're in the 1990s, and also I've kind of hit a wall in terms of my enthusiasm for this project, I'm not even listening to these songs, because there's not any lessons to be gleaned here, music was being taken over by grunge and rap and the Grammys didn't know how to react so they literally gave their biggest award to a song which states, "All I wanna do is have some fun." Let's just have some fun, guys! Stop being so sad about everything, let's just, let's play Parcheesi! You used to love Parcheesi! Let's play Parcheesi and just, let's just have some fun! But yeah the Grammys are havin' some issues coming to terms with reality.

TRUE ENDING: "I'll Make Love to You"

1996 "One Sweet Day," by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio "One of Us," by Joan Osborne "Waterfalls," by TLC WINNER: "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal

Now THIS. This, I can extremely fuck with. Nary a quibble I have with the Grammys' assessment of 1995! Do I maybe trade out "One Sweet Day" for "Fantasy?" Of course, I'm not that dead inside. Do I maybe replace "One of Us" with "You Oughta Know?" Eh, I think "One of Us" is more timeless, in that it's about God and not Dave Coulier, but I'd hear the argument. Do I maybe put "Life's a Bitch" in there instead of "Gangsta's Paradise?" Yes, but I completely get why they wouldn't. I think we've found it. I think we've found the most acceptable list! And the winner is almost the acceptable winner! Also, I didn't realize this until I dove into the list of hits from 1995, but apparently Ko[backwards R]n and P.O.D. were active and hitmakers in 1995. I knew it was coming soon? But I didn’t think it started when I was in Kindergarten.

TRUE ENDING: "Gangsta's Paradise"

1997 "Give Me One Reason," by Tracy Chapman "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion "Ironic," by Alanis Morissette "1979," by The Smashing Pumpkins WINNER: "Change the World," by Eric Clapton

And we're back. Though, hey, the Grammys are still making incremental progress. There's grunge, earning respectful recognition that it did, indeed, happen, and the Grammys were aware of it but ever distant! Alanis Morissette gets a nod for writing a song about how sometimes bad things happen! And TRACY CHAPMAN JUST ENDS THE FUCKING GAME. Someone once described "Give Me One Reason" as the last true blues hit, and that is such an accurate assessment. Everything about "Give Me One Reason" owns. I am thrilled to have shared some portion of the earth with the two Tracy Chapman songs we have briefly discussed.

TRUE ENDING: "Give Me One Reason"

1998 "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow "MMMBop," by Hanson "I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly WINNER: "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin

I believe it was @fart who tweeted that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" share two different perspectives of the same event, and I'm sticking to that here. This right here is sort of the distillation of the '90s, assuming you're ignoring, y'know, rap: while you can't deny that this was probably what everyone in the '90s was listening to, you can absolutely fault everyone in the '90s for listening to this, because this is bad. But this is what was popular! "MMMBop," a song about grappling with your own mortality while making mouthsounds, was the biggest fucking song! You couldn't escape it! "It" referring to "MMMBop!" Like, the 1981 field was bad? But it was bad because it was bland, and it was regressive, and it wasn't of the time. This is bad because the songs are bad. They're all dated, they have no appeal beyond kitschiness, they're just, ugh. For once, it's not the Grammys' fault. ...Not entirely. Again: rap. We had that. We didn't have do the Sheryl Crow thing again.

TRUE ENDING: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"

1999 "The Boy Is Mine," by Brandy & Monica "Iris," by Goo Goo Dolls "Ray of Light," by Madonna "You're Still the One," by Shania Twain WINNER: "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion

The '90s weren't without their saving graces, of course. Golly. Imagine being presented with this field and voting for something that wasn't "The Boy Is Mine." So many people did! I'm not gonna sit here and say that "My Heart Will Go On" wasn't the biggest musical craze of 1998, I lived through that shit, I endured that shit, believe you me, from a historical standpoint, it deserves this award. It's not history's fault, though, that so many more people listened to "My Heart Will Go On" than "The Boy Is Mine." It's those people's fault. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE. What was wrong with you. ...At least you're still 15 or so years from your choice being Macklemore. It's hard to tell which is worse, but at least there's a good chunk of time between your failings.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boy Is Mine"

2000 "I Want It That Way," by Backstreet Boys "Believe," by Cher "Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin "No Scrubs," by TLC WINNER: "Smooth," by Santana ft./Rob Thomas

...I don't like what I'm about to do. You know I think "Smooth" is a hot one. You know how I feel about guys in the passenger side of their best friend's ride, tryna holla at me. You know what I believe with regards to an existence of a life after love. You know I live that crazy life. ...If I'm doing karaoke, though. If I'm doing karaoke, and I need one song to fire every fucker in this dingy bar the fuck up, I need an all-time classic song that everyone loves and everyone knows, IF I AM SELECTING ONE JAM TO TAKE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH CALLED LIFE TO FLAVOR TOWN. ...It's gonna be "I Want It That Way." It's a perfect song. It is expertly crafted, the epitome of Swedish song design. It's this massive engine driving this amazing being into existence. I don't like that it is perfect. You may not like that it is perfect. But it is perfect and we love it. There are truths in life which are undeniable. "I Want It That Way" is one such truth.

TRUE ENDING: "I Want It That Way"

2001 "Say My Name," by Destinys Child "I Try," by Macy Gray "Music," by Madonna "Bye Bye Bye," by *NSYNC WINNER: "Beautiful Day," by U2

ugh what is with the u2 thing Anyway, this would ideally be where we start recognizing the things Beyonce has done for the world and all who live in it, except "I Try" is amazing. Also we're in the aughts and everyone knows and loves the aughts and no one has anything bad to say about the aughts so I'm not even gonna try to stretch for profundity it's lightning round time.

TRUE ENDING: "I Try"

2002 "Video," by india.arie "Fallin'," by Alicia Keys "Ms. Jackson," by OutKast "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," by Train WINNER: "Walk On," by U2

SERIOUSLY THIS U2 THING. WHAT ARE THEY SEEING THAT I'M NOT. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE IN THERE. Anyway, hello. Rap has been around for two and a half decades and three rap songs have been nominated for Record of the Year in this space. That is as many rap songs as U2 songs in the same span of time. And lemme just skip ahead real quick here, and... Yep, yep, of course, the entire genre of rap and U2 are still tied in the official Record of the Year Grammy count! That's incredibly acceptable and great.

TRUE ENDING: "Ms. Jackson"

2003 "A Thousand Miles," by Vanessa Carlton "Without Me," by Eminem "Dilemma," by Nelly & Kelly Rowland "How You Remind Me," by Nickelback WINNER: "Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones

Legit question: is "Dilemma" the last great duet? I know Drake and Rihanna have put in work trying to find a great duet, I know Usher and Alicia Keys dropped "My Boo," I'm going to point out New Found Glory and Hayley Williams collaborated on "Vicious Love" and wait until this point is completely ignored before I move on, there we go, I think this might be the last great pop duet! I think the last great pop duet features the iconic screencap of Microsoft Excel Messenger!

TRUE ENDING: "Dilemma"

2004 "Crazy in Love," by Beyonce ft./Jay-Z "Where Is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas "Lose Yourself," by Eminem "Hey Ya!" by OutKast WINNER: "Clocks," by Coldplay

See, I'm disqualifying "Crazy in Love" from consideration from the "great duets" debate because it's not a duet. Jay-Z has a feature verse. Anyway: FUCK THIS. "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" absolutely 100% fuck this. Like that's a goddamn debate right there. There could be an entire 1000-episode podcast debating who should have won this category, "Crazy in Love" or "Hey Ya!" And it's not like the other three are slouches. "Lose Yourself" is disappointingly but definitely more popular than either track, "Where Is the Love?" is the kinda-awesome midpoint between Woke BEP and Party BEP, and I'd bop "Clocks" from the party but I'd let it hang for a few minutes, get a glimpse of a world other than its own before throwing it out on its ass. But "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" Fuck, dude. ...Grammys can tie, right? Yeah, there's ties in the Grammys. Fuck it, even if there's not ties in the Grammys, there's ties in this weird alternate reality Grammys because legitimately how the fuck do you choose.

TRUE ENDING: "Hey Ya!" & "Crazy in Love"

2005 "Let's Get it Started," by The Black Eyed Peas "American Idiot," by Green Day "Heaven," by Los Lonely Boys "Yeah!" by Usher ft./Lil' Jon & Ludacris WINNER: "Here We Go Again," by Ray Charles & Norah Jones

...Like?

TRUE ENDING: "Yeah!"

2006 "We Belong Together," by Mariah Carey "Feel Good Inc.," by Gorillaz ft./De La Soul "Hollaback Girl," by Gwen Stefani "Gold Digger," by Kanye West ft./Jamie Foxx WINNER: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day

...OK, shit. Um. "We Belong Together" set the Mariah comeback in stone and history has a place for it, but I don't have a trophy for it. It's "Gold Digger" vs. "Boulevard" for me, and... And I think I gotta give it to. "Boulevard?" See, here's the thing, though, if "Stronger" were nominated a few years down the line, or "Love Lockdown," or "Niggas in Paris," yes! Absolutely, there'd be an argument! But "Gold Digger" is... Not his finest song? It's a funny-ish song about a stereotype. It has charm, it has that Ray Charles sample, but it's sort of, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Chop up the soul Kanye? It's that. It's good not great. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a song that captured the hopelessness and futility of life as a lower-class individual in the Bush era and is presently capturing the hopelessness and futility of life as anyone in the Trump era. The world needed and continues to need songs like that.

TRUE ENDING: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

2007 "Be Without You," by Mary J. Blige "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt "Crazy," by Gnarls Barkley "Put Your Records On," by Corinne Bailey Rae WINNER: "Not Ready to Make Nice," by Dixie Chicks

"Not Ready to Make Nice" is the shit. I wanted Mary J. Blige or Gnarls Barkley to win, I could almost write that argument, but I just, "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the angriest song ever written. It is the apotheosis of the "message to the haters" song; it walks the same thematic ground as Tay Tay's "Shake It Off," but thunder emanates from its every step. And it's angry in that plain-spoken metaphorless way only country music can pull off. She does not obscure what has her fucked up: the letter stated, "shut up and sing or your life will be over." She is not going to forget. It's so powerful. Does it define 2006 in music? No, let's not be silly, "SexyBack" owned the year, Timbaland had more than a few songs hit #1, this song didn't have reach or impacy beyond the Grammy, but this song. This fucking song, man.

TRUE ENDING: "Not Ready to Make Nice"

2008 "Irreplaceable," by Beyonce "The Pretender," by Foo Fighters "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around," by Justin Timberlake WINNER: "Rehab," by Amy Winehouse

okay no need to write an extended defense of this one, we know what's up

TRUE ENDING: "Irreplaceable"

2009 "Chasing Pavements," by Adele "Viva la Vida," by Coldplay "Bleeding Love," by Leona Lewis "Paper Planes," by M.I.A. WINNER: "Please Read the Letter," by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

i'm not really feelin' any of these songs, but WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END so fuck it here's the song i come closest to feeling

TRUE ENDING: "Paper Planes"

2010 "Halo," by Beyonce "I Gotta Feeling," by The Black Eyed Peas "Poker Face," by Lady Gaga "You Belong with Me," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Use Somebody," by Kings of Leon

oh wow, so, y'know, okay, how? how do we still have years like this? i know dope tunes were released in 2009 because i lived it, how do so many people get together and think, "yes! these!" this field is so bad, if you dropped drake's "best i ever had" into it, it would have a legit claim to the title. this is unconscionable! i hate this! why did i do this?

TRUE ENDING: "Poker Face"

2011 "Nothin' on You," by B.O.B. ft./Bruno Mars "Love the Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rihanna "Fuck You," by Cee Lo Green "Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z ft./Alicia Keys WINNER: "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum

Ah, the poetry of a group with the word Antebellum in their name emerging from a pack of black artists to claim a trophy they didn't deserve. Memories! What lovely recent history! Anyhoo, as sure as the earth is round, "Fuck You" is the best pop song of the decade so far. I'll fight you. Dungeon fam, I just gave you two Grammys for the mantle.

TRUE ENDING: "Fuck You"

2012 "Holocene," by Bon Iver "Grenade," by Bruno Mars "The Cave," by Mumford & Sons "Firework," by Katy Perry TRUE ENDING: "Rolling in the Deep," by Adele

"love on top," "party rock anthem," "niggas in paris," "the motto," "the edge of glory." what the fuck, you guys. picking songs that are good isn't hard but you fucked it up five times in a row somehow.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Rolling in the Deep" i guess? ye gods this is dire

2013 "Lonely Boy," by The Black Keys "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," by Kelly Clarkson "We Are Young," by Fun. ft./Janelle Monae "Thinkin Bout You," by Frank Ocean "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye ft./Kimbra

So now that we have years and years of historical context for the Grammys, let's take a minute to discuss what a miracle it was that Frank Ocean was ever nominated. The Grammys spent years ignoring anything resembling a subculture. As the 1960s grew increasingly psychedelic, the Grammys kept handing out nominations to Frank Sinatra and jazz instrumentals and gentle sweater dads. They dipped their toes into funkier things in the '70s, but they stayed the hell away from actual funk, from rock, from anything that looked like it might have been near cocaine at any point in their life. They gave Frank Sinatra a ROTY nomination in 1980. 1980! The Grammys had shown zero sign that they were even close to acknowledging a black man with ambiguous sexuality singing songs just on the edge of the mainstream existed. "Thinkin Bout You" peaked at 32 Stateside. There would have been zero outcry outside of The Internet if his song weren't nominated. And yet! They did! I don't get how, but I dig it! Anyway the best song of these six is "We Are Young" and how. How is "Call Me Maybe." ...A thousand steps forward, one step back, I guess.

TRUE ENDING: "We Are Young"

2014 "Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons "Royals," by Lorde "Locked Out of Heaven," by Bruno Mars "Blurred Lines," by Robin Thicke ft./Pharrell Williams & T.I. WINNER: "Get Lucky," by Daft Punk ft./Pharrell Williams

yeah they got it right, i don't care

TRUE ENDING: "Get Lucky"

2015 "Fancy," by Iggy Azalea ft./Charli XCX "Chandelier," by Sia "Shake It Off," by Tay Tay "All About that Bass," by Meghan Trainor WINNER: "Stay with Me," by Sam Smith

wooooooooooooooooooooooooow you really dont have to go back that far to find one of the all-time worst fields. i don't know if we've dropped any song off the face of the earth faster than "fancy," i barely even remembered it existed. "all about that bass" gets more embarrassing with each passing day. "stay with me" is mor pap. "shake it off" is horrifyingly immature and features tay tay rapping, which is, it's just a gross thing to have experienced. "chandelier." "chandelier" almost single-handedly redeems this field. i know i've used this blog to discuss what a miracle it is that sia exists as she does in the music landscape today, but legitimately, what the fuck. how? i don't mind! but how? but no for real "Chandelier," "Happy," "Problem," "Drunk in Love..." hoo boy 2014 was dire, uh, "Timber." shit, dude, yeah, "Timber." ok. ok yeah i guess it's ok as long as "Rude!" didn't make the cut.

TRUE ENDING: "Chandelier"

2016 "Really Love," by D'Angelo & the Vanguard "Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran "Blank Space," by Tay Tay "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd WINNER: "Uptown Funk," by Mark Ronson ft./Bruno Mars

"Uptown Funk"/"Can't Feel My Face" is the toughest choice since "Hey Ya!"/"Crazy in Love." I think I give it to "Uptown Funk," simply because it doesn't feel like "Can't Feel My Face" exists without it, but man, "Can't Feel My Face" is such a solid track.

TRUE ENDING: "Uptown Funk"

2017 "Hello," by Adele "Formation," by Beyonce "7 Years," by Lukas Graham "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

listen, if i had to pick the field, it's "formation," "stresed out," "love yourself," "closer," and "black beatles." maybe throw "panda" in there over "stressed out," more people seemed to be into that than "stressed out," who cares, 2016 just wasn't great for anything on earth which exists, but hey! at least this field is more or less accurate! i don't know what "7 years" is doing here, and neither do you, but i know we're both hoping it wins so we can watch the first fires of the revolution.

TRUE ENDING: "Formation"

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