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laurazepamwrites · 4 years

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The Chemicals between us ~Ch.8

The Orca landed with a bump on the outskirts of a dense forest not far from Bryansk. The landing jerked Junkrat awake and his nose wrinkled from the strong smell of coffee brewing.

‘Fuck is that?’ He asked groggily, using Roadhogs frame as leverage to sit up straighter, his long limbs cracked as he stretched.

‘That's the smell of four o’clock in the morning princess.’ McCree replied. ‘Want some? Might not get another chance for a while.’

‘Ta.’ Junkrat stood up and gave Roadhog a slight kick awake and got a curse for doing so. McCree handed him a mug as Morrison came down from the cockpit. ‘I want everyone prepared to move out soon, make sure you all have your communicators on and make sure they work. If they don't and you get caught out you’ll be on your own. Everyone move your own weapons from the cargo hold, once done we head to the compound. Genji and Zarya will meet us outside the perimeter.’

Ana placed her empty teacup down. ‘I will scout ahead and keep watch for signs of danger. Plans can go wrong and I want to see trouble before it happens.’

Morrison nodded in agreement. ‘Go ahead, be careful and contact when you reach the meeting point.’ Ana gave him a quick salute and headed down to the cargo hold.

‘Is Athena good to go?’ Morrison asked Winston.

The large Gorilla looked up from his computer and adjusted his glasses. ‘As well as can be but we won't know for certain until we hit Talons cyber defences.’ Morrison grunted and looked towards the Junkers. ‘Are you ready for this?’

Junkrat giggled ‘Fucking born ready mate.’ as Roadhog gave a slight nod of his head. Morrison frowned ‘Final warning Fawkes..if you do anything to jeopardize-’

‘Yeah I know, I’m dead and there's plenty here to do the deed. Just fucking chill alrite mate? Me n Hog will play our part no worries.’ Morrison narrowed his eyes and studied the junkers before placing the mask of Soldier 76 upon his face, the red visor shone a sinister red. From one of the windows he glanced Ana heading into the forest. ‘Everyone get ready’ He said ‘We move out in 10 minutes.’

The walk through the forest was slow going and none too easy with the dim light and dense trees making it difficult for Hana to maneuver her Mech, often resorting to taking a longer path to find a clearing big enough. The suggestion of demolishing a path or shooting through the trees was quickly shut down. Junkrat tread carefully over thick roots protruding from the ground and lightly jumped in the tracks made by the large Mech as Hana was once again forced to find an alternate route, he took a deep breath in and revelled in the new smells and freshness of the air. Fuck it felt good to be in the open. Hana grinned at him from her Mech.

‘Hey having fun?’

‘Too right! Forgot what trees look like.’

Hana rolled her eyes and laughed ‘You can see trees from the cliff at base.’

‘Yeah but not these..’ Junkrat gestured vaguely ‘Spiky ones? Got a funny smell.’

‘Pines.’

They continued walking and trudging through the forest, Junkrat glancing so often towards the group and particularly Roadhog just to make sure he was still there. He got a pang of anxiety when a dense group of trees blocked his view and he lost sight of him. What in that time Morrison shot him? Or Talon where secretly following them? The sudden thought made him glance behind him and scan his surroundings..really should of left some traps. He breathed a sigh of relief when the trees cleared slightly and he found Roadhog, he had barely heard Hana speaking to him.

‘Huh?’

‘I asked if you are okay?’

‘Err..yeah. Yeah im great! Why wouldn't I be! Not long till I get to blow shit up!’ He gave her grin to reassure her and himself. Hana gave him a sceptical look, yet to her credit and his relief she let it slide and returned the smile. ‘Thanks for keeping me company.’

‘No worries, gives me more time to be out here before we go back to the lock up!’

‘Theres gotta be something you like there.’

‘Oh sure, regular grub, running water annnd now I get me own workshop!’

‘ Ahem!’

‘ Yeah sure you and Lu are alright I guess.’

Hana giggled and stuck her tongue out at him. ‘You're a jerk but youre alright, hey look! There's a clearing, lets catch up!’

Roadhog watched as Junkrat and Dva approached them, not speaking until Junkrat was once at his side. ‘All good?’

‘Yep, all good.’

‘Not gonna do anything stupid I hope.’

‘If I do its by accident.’

Roadhog grunted ‘Don't be impulsive.’

Junkrat laughed ‘When have you known me to have any control over that.’

‘Mean it Rat..be smart about this.’

Junkrat scoffed at him and rolled his eyes as Morrison signalled that they were close to the first point. Sure enough in the distance stood Ana, Zayra and Genji waiting on them.

‘Are we clear?’ Morrison asked on approach.

‘As Well as can be, time is now against us though. The first patrol is in less than thirty minutes.’ Said Genji, glancing towards the large Mech.

‘Hey its not my fault the stupid trees were so close together!’ snapped Hana, rather defensively.

‘Still think its bad idea to have those two here.’ Grunted Zarya nodding towards the Junkers.

Junkrat scoffed ‘Really? Pick your fucking time to have a moan ya fucking pink Juggernaut!’

Zarya laughed ‘Oh ho! Those brave words from someone I can snap in two with my little finger.’

Roadhog stepped forward ‘Try it.’

Morrison jumped in as Zarya stepped forward to the challenge. ‘Back down!’ Morrison barked at Roadhog and turned to face Zarya, ‘This is neither the time or place. That goes for everyone. I will not have childish bickering when we need to depend on each other in the field. Am I clear?’

Zarya's lip curled in contempt but she nodded in agreement then Morrison looked to the Junkers. ‘Oi I didnt fucking start it!’ Junkrat protested looking offended. Roadhog gave him a shove and muttered something, ‘Fine fucking crystal alright!?’

Convinced the matter was at rest for now Morrison continued. ‘Team A get ready, once our target hits our marker we strike. Winston, Torbjorn, prepare your equipment, once that patrol is eliminated we advance on the gate then it's down to you to get us in. Everyone else know their positions and objectives?’ There was a collective murmur of confirmation ‘Good, then let's begin.’

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Dimitri Ivanov took the last drag of his cigarette and tossed it, the smoke drifting lazily into the early morning air. He heard the command to move and he snorted and spat on the ground. He fucking hated mornings. He was a military man during the Omnic crisis and fought in many battles, a well seasoned soldier with a large count of dead omnics to his name just like his comrades. Dead and alive. He had new comrades now, him and four other surviving men and women from his old unit. After the war their government had hardly given them anything to live off, their homes had been destroyed and like thousands upon thousands of others they had nowhere to go, no living to make. Until one day he was approached by a man, a man with an opportunity which promised work and security. An opportunity that promised a better world for everyone. A world built for the strong by the strong and he was proud to serve, proud to serve Talon.

The patrols around the compound was easy work if but boring. He had been stationed here for a month now and the most exciting thing to happen was a stray dog getting too close to the fence. At Least it confirmed the turrets worked. The only people they saw where the trucks entering and leaving and the drop ship that came last week. He trudged along with his patrol and slung his gun back over his shoulder, reached into his pocket pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, his nearest comrade nudging him as he did so. Dimitri shrugged his arm away and took a large inhale of smoke.

‘What problem?’ He said, smoke exhaling through his nose. ‘Nothing out here but us and birds. Relax Anatoly my friend..nothing to shoot at us out here-’

He turned in confusion as his comrade suddenly disappeared from his side and slumped to the ground. The rest of the patrol stopped and came to his aid. ‘He sick?’ One asked. They took his dark balaclava off his face, only then realising that his throat had been sliced open.

The patrol leader shouted orders as Dimitri struggled to reach for the gun across his back and frantically scanned the dense forest, he felt a rush of wind behind him and heard the thud of another body falling, someone fired wildly at nothing. He barely lifted his gun as he felt a hard slap to his chest, followed by another, the cigarete dropped from his mouth, smoke and blood trailing past his lips. He fell hard to the ground and the last thing he heard was the sound of bullets hitting their targets. The patrol was dead before they even realised what was happening.

Morrison surveyed the surrounding area waiting for a sign of the compound being alerted to the attack, a moment passed with only the sound of birds in the trees, convinced the first wave was successful he signalled for Team B to advance to their position. Winston and Torbjorn led the way and found a vantage point just below the crest of a hill overlooking the compound giving them high ground and cover. They both quickly got to work setting up a field computer as Ana scoped out the area with her Rifle. ‘Four turret droids on the gate’ She relayed back to Winston. He nodded and quickly typed on a small keyboard, lines of code flashed across the monitor in front of him as Torbjorn adjusted a signal booster. ‘If Athena can’t get in I modded this enough to send a pulse through every droid in this place..will only last a minute or so but may give us a much needed window.’ He said as he worked.

‘We might not need to use it.. hmm that's odd.’ Said Winston, his brow frowning at the screen.

‘Is there a problem?’ Asked Jack, coming to inspect the monitor.

‘I'm not sure Commander, I’m in their system but..’

‘What is it?’

‘It was too easy, almost like I was let in. I’m familiar with Talons cyber security but this is..well a child could have accessed it.’ Winston gave a slight cough ‘A..er..very smart one atleast.’

Torbjorn laughed ‘Well surely that's half our job done?’

‘Maybe what they have inside is not worth the protection?’ Offered McCree.

‘It’s enough to have guards, turrets and officials. It's important.’ Stated Ana ‘But Winston is right Jack, this could be a trap.’

‘If it was a trap the perimeter guard would have been prepared for us. Talon are arrogant, they don't expect an assault. Winston, shut down those turrets.’

Winston looked toward Ana who gave a slight nod despite the frown on her face, sighing he continued typing on the keyboard as Ana looked through her scope. ‘And..that should do it’ He said looking up.

Everyone waited and looked to Ana as she surveyed the gate, she smirked slightly as sure enough one turret slowly stopped moving, followed by another and another until each one had stopped.

‘Have they noticed?’ Asked Genji.

Ana looked back and smiled, ‘None the wiser.’

‘Accessing perimeter turrets now.’ Said Winston, tapping further instructions to Athena ‘And..we are in! Perimeter and gate security disabled Commander, Captain.’

Jack cocked his weapon and turnt to his team ‘Everyone in position and remember your roles! Advance!’

#meihem #overwatch #fanfic #junkrat #jamison fawkes #mei ling zhou

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daysswithyou · 5 years

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Fallen Chapter 1: Hunt

Characters: Young K x OC

Genre: fluff, angst, romance, fake dating, high school

Chapters: previous / next

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“Rachel, wait, one more.”

“One more what? Jaebum, I got go – ”

Tugging Rachel back by her wrists, Jaebum spins her around until she was facing him before latching his lips on hers. She was still shy with public displays of affection so she kept it brief but nonetheless, a soft smile was etched on her face when she pulled back.

“Sorry Rachel, I promise that it’s the last one. I’ll let you go back to class now.”

“See you later.”

“See you.”

With a final squeeze of her hands, Jaebum lets her go and Rachel heads back to class, unable to hide the smile that spreads when she remembers the kiss that just happened seconds ago. Rachel spots Esther sitting at her spot at the back of the classroom and she waves at her, glad to see her again after the weekend. But this time, she doesn’t greet Rachel with a smile like she always does. Her eyes are dark, her expression sombre. Even from this distance, she can see a thunderstorm is brewing within her. Her grip on her phone visibly tightens, the small charm shaking from the force.

Something was wrong, but what is it?

When she sees Rachel, she bolts from her seat before pulling her out of the classroom.

“Esther, what’s wrong?”

She says nothing in response and proceeds to shove her phone in her face. The thumbnail is grainy, but she could make out the figure of Jaebum…but there was…another girl with him? Curiosity gnawed away at her mind. She had to find out. Pressing the play button, her chest tightens, the fear making her shiver.

The footage started off shaky; clearly the person filming wasn’t in a very clear state of mind. The whole place was dark and a few black figures flashed past the screen before focusing on Jaebum.

This was when she got a good view of the girl standing in front of Jaebum – it was Ayeon. It was just a video, but she could feel the air around them shift through the screen.

It can’t be...

Yet the next few seconds confirmed her worst suspicions. Jaebum had his hands on Ayeon’s hips and her hands were latched tightly around the back of his neck. They were staring intently into one another’s eyes before Jaebum leans up to crash his lips into hers, his teasing hands roaming as his lips explored her mouth intently. The last frame that was captured was of Jaebum slipping his hand under her skirt and him attaching his lips to her neck instead. The video may have ended, but you didn’t need to watch on to know what happened afterwards.

Rachel calmly hands her phone back to Esther, her body language saying that she’s cool and collected. But her eyes speak of a raging fire within her, one that billows bigger and fiercer with each passing second.

Esther sees it, and she’s already latching onto her best friend’s arm before she can make a move.

With a warning tone, she stares at Rachel dead in the eye before saying, “Rachel, what are you planning to do?”

“Well, I’m planning to leave to find Im Jaebum. I’ve got a score to settle with him.”

“Rachel-”

She pry Esther’s fingers off her arm, flinging her hand away from her body a little too harshly.

“Please don’t stop me.”

Rachel turns and marches towards the school canteen, her fist clenched till her knuckles turn white. She forces her way through the crowd of people, not stopping to apologise even when she bumped into someone. Rachel only had one goal in mind, and nothing was going to stop her from reaching it. Esther trails behind her, apologizing to people on Rachel’s behalf. She walks fast, but even then she couldn’t keep up with the latter’s long and purposeful strides.

Pushing the doors of the canteen open, Rachel’s eyes zero in on her target.

Im Jaebum seated right at the corner.

He’s smiling and laughing widely, completely oblivious as to what’s going to hit him. Good for her then, she’s going to have the element of surprise. He doesn’t even have time to register her presence, before his head is swung to the side by something, a loud crack accompanying the movement. She sees the bruise forming on his cheek, feel the sting on her palms before realising what she has done. Anger had blinded her and made her lose her rationality. She had just slapped Im Jaebum in front of a good majority of the school population.

And she shouldn’t expect to live after your brash actions.

Im Jaebum cocks his head, slowly turning to face Rachel to add to the suspense. He was going to make her pay for what she had done.

“What was that for huh?”

There were a million things that Rachel wanted to say to him, all of which would have sounded confident and better. Instead, what leaves her lips is a pathetic and weak question.

“Why? You and Ayeon...why?”

Jaebum massaged his jaw as he turns to look at her with a sinister glint in his eyes. Fear lodges itself in Rachel’s heart; Jaebum has never looked at her that way before. He’s changed, or maybe he just wasn’t who she thought he was all this while.

“Ah, no need to hide anymore now that you know the truth. I was wondering when you would find out so I could end the relationship, I was getting so repulsed at the idea of playing lovers with you.”

“Im Jaebum you fucking piece of shit.”

This time round, Esther is the one that lands a punch square on his jaw, the impact making him fall out of his seat.

Hearing his words, Rachel was too dumbfounded to say anything back to him – but she wish she did. You wished she had come out with some intelligent retort and had never given him the satisfaction of running his mouth.

Instead, like a deer caught in the headlights, Rachel merely stared at Jaebum – and he took her silence as the cue to carry on.

“Do you know why I dated you?”

An eerie silence falls across the entire canteen, and she knows that they have the attention of the entire school population now. Jaebum smirks a little at the attention that he is getting; he always loved it. Like a master actor, Jaebum puts on the most spectacular show for his audiences.

“It was a dare, a game. The challenge to get the coldest girl in the whole school. I told them it would be easy. And my gosh...how easy it was. All I had to do was send you some sweet texts, shower you with gifts occasionally and voila - you were wrapped around my fingers. It was fun while it lasted. Thank you for being my pawn darling, you were so good at it. You were so good at everything…”

When he paused, Rachel thinks that the assault was over. But of course – no opponent leaves the court without striking the death blow to his enemy – the most horrendous lie of them all.

“But you were exceptionally good in bed.”

When the howls erupted around her, and the actor finally stepped off stage, Rachel was left to the mercy of his audience. In that moment, she felt like a small rabbit out in the open, ripped apart by the hungry wolves around her.

#fallen #day6 scenarios #day6 imagines #day6 young k imagines #day6 young k scenarios #young k scenarios #young k imagines #day6 fluff #day6 angst #day6 slice of life #day6 romance #high school au #day6 high school #day6 fake dating #fake dating au #updating again because i changed the pronouns #what a silly mistake to make

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foursprout-blog · 7 years

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5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/5-reasons-im-glad-i-got-the-fuck-over-myself-and-went-to-therapy/

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

Nitish Meena / Unsplash

I am in good mental health.

Even in my darkest moments, this is what I told myself. The facts seemed to support me. I’d never been diagnosed with a mental illness. I never needed pills to cure anything more than sinusitis. I had a great childhood. I was in control—stable and calm; cool and collected.

Except when I wasn’t. Every now and then, stress would kick my brain into overdrive and I didn’t know how to take back the wheel. I’d feel attacked by bouts of insecurity, helplessness, and anxiety. I’d call my parents in exasperation and then lash out when their words weren’t what I wanted to hear. My remedies were to smoke weed, sleep, and hope that I felt better the next day. I usually did.

I was initially inspired to book a session with a therapist after making a dentist’s appointment. I thought it was basically the same idea. When I told my mom my plan, she asked, “When the psychiatrist asks why you’re there, what are you going to say?”

“That I just wanted to get a check-up on my mental health?” I replied.

“I think you’ll probably have to be more specific than that, sweetie,” she said. And so I shelved the idea.

Several months later, I attempted a personal experiment where I let my friends control my daily routine for a month (another story for another day). I thought I was strong enough to handle losing control of my life. I wasn’t. I quit 22 days in.

That month was like a catfish shuffling through the muck. I felt like a failure, an embarrassment, and a disappointment. Negative self-talk amplified. The clouds blackened. They were always there, but a fortuitous breeze usually whisked them away. But now I didn’t know how to summon the wind.

I finally got the fuck over my “good mental health” and made an appointment with a therapist. I’m so glad I did. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. I learned how to label my emotions.

When someone asks how you are, what do you say? If you’re like me, the answer is usually “good.” Sometimes it’s “fine.” On occasion, it’s “not so great.” And there you go, the three buckets of emotions as I understood them: good, fine, and none of the above.

In one of my first sessions, my therapist showed me a chart with cartoonish faces, each labeled with an emotion. It might sound silly, but that sheet of circular blobs was a revelation. When I was feeling “not so great,” that didn’t necessarily mean “sad.” Sometimes it meant “frustrated,” or “anxious,” or “scared.” And when I was feeling “good,” it didn’t necessarily mean “happy”—sometimes it meant “joyful,” or “loved,” or “excited.” Each provoked different thought patterns and behavior.

Understanding your emotions is a bit like making a stew. Sometimes it smells delicious, and you can see the potatoes, onions, and beef chunks gurgling in harmony. But sometimes something stinks. Before, it was hard to tell if the smell was mustard seed or rotten eggs. But now, I could better identify what brewed in my cauldron.

2. I practiced how to separate emotions from thoughts, facts, and behaviors.

Therapy has many forms. I chose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is grounded in pragmatic analysis of present-day problems. It’s like learning how to rewire your brain.

Before I started, those wires were all jumbled together. If I felt like shit, it was because I was shit, and so I acted like a shithead. I didn’t understand how to separate each part of that equation: it was just shit. A good sleep was the only thing that broke the cycle.

One of the core tools in CBT is a worksheet called the thought log. In it, you take an automatic negative thought, like “I’m a failure,” and unpack it. How does that thought make you feel? (Sad, frustrated, disappointed, upset.) What is the supporting evidence for that thought? (I quit a personal experiment.) What evidence does not support that thought? (I graduated from college; I have a steady job; I won the spelling bee in 4th grade.) Given that, is there a different thought that feels more accurate? (I succeed in most things but bit off more than I could chew with an absurdly difficult experiment.) What feelings are associated with that? (More hopeful, still a little frustrated, a bit confused, but no longer sad). And repeat as necessary.

CBT was the only time I liked doing homework. I practiced the thought log several times a week. Wires started falling into place. I learned just how much negative thoughts influenced how I felt, and how liberating it felt to choose what to think.

3. I learned how to recognize cognitive distortions affecting my behavior.

I think when many think of mental health, they picture white-walled corridors, straitjackets, and cups with little pills in them. I think it’s more like a funhouse with funky mirrors. You’re looking at yourself thinking, “that can’t be me.” And yet, it is you, but your forehead is five times bigger than your torso. “Oh, right, the mirror has a funny shape,” you’ll think, and then you laugh at your gargantuan nose and move on.

Cognitive distortions are like those funky mirrors, but they’re far more sinister. In the clinical sense, cognitive distortions are exaggerated thought patterns which distort reality and feed depression and anxiety.

Take a common one—all or nothing thinking. I did this all the damn time. Ever find yourself saying something like “He never pays attention to me”? Or “I always ruin things”? Boom: cognitive distortion. The situation is rarely that black and white. Chances are, it’s not “always” or “never” because life is rarely that extreme. Usually it’s somewhere in that vast grey area.

Cognitive distortions work because they’re simple and predictable. It’s as seamless as trying on a pair of sunglasses. And once that darkness takes over, logic and reason shut down.

For me, learning to spot them was half the battle. If negative thoughts looped through my head like a broken record, usually it was fueled by a pernicious cognitive distortion. When I unpacked that thought and looked for a cognitive distortion, the spell was often broken.

4. I invested in myself.

Know this now: therapy is not easy. I didn’t find it particularly therapeutic either, at least not like a massage or spa treatment. It can also be expensive—one session ran me $140 an hour. Yes, there are plenty of cheaper (and even free) options. But there’s no question it’s a commitment: with money, time, and emotional wherewithal.

Other than the examples I’ve given, I don’t want to delve into the specifics of each session. What’s shared in therapy should stay private. I will say that in the spectrum of struggles, mine were probably mild. But I still felt like I got in my own way a lot—with friendships and relationships; as a son and a co-worker; as a dreamer and a doer.

In our first session, I set goals for myself. They had to be tangible, like “Develop strategies to keep negative thoughts from ruminating for more than an hour.” I would’ve given my pinkie toe to overcome that one. When to comes to “return on investment,” I can think of few better payoffs than clear thinking.

Sessions in therapy were like signposts on a journey into my brain. Everyone’s journey is different—some longer, more arduous, and fraught with obstacles—and there’s no shame in walking with a guide for as long as you need. After a lot of practice in and out of therapy, I felt like I was sturdy enough to continue on my own. Note that doesn’t make me “cured”—because that’s not how mental health works—just that I felt knowledgeable enough to keep administering the antidote.

Therapy produced such clear dividends. I deconstructed my clock to see what made it tick. I developed a mental health toolbox that I’ll carry with me for life. And now, I actually feel like I’m driving my life as opposed to letting the road drive me.

5. I let go of pride and quelled my fears.

I feel like many think going to therapy is admitting weakness. That it must mean there’s something broken inside. I hate that. It’s like saying lifting weights is for weaklings. The ones that are strongest get their ass to the gym.

But have I always thought that way? Not even close. Why do you think it took me so long to make my first appointment? Therapy was for Zach Braff’s character in Garden State. That dude was messed up. I’m fine.

Yes, there were moments when I was not fine. But that’s just life, right? I didn’t need help to get through life’s ups and downs. I was too proud to work on my mental health.

What a massive irony. We don’t hesitate to sign up for a painting class, but when it comes to understanding the brain, an incredibly complex and precious instrument that humanity has worked for millennia to demystify, we’re all like: “Nah, I got this.”

It’s a ridiculous notion that needs to stop. I know now that hidden beneath my pride was fear. I felt scared that I wouldn’t like what I found when I started looking. I was terrified of friends finding out. If it hadn’t been for the encouragement and acceptance from loved ones, I doubt I would have gathered the strength to go.

I feel loved for having their support. I know many aren’t as lucky. That sucks. I’m frustrated that talking about mental health is still stigmatized. I’m upset that some stereotype therapy as a weakness. And I’m sad that those stigmas and stereotypes turn away those that need therapy most.

And so, here’s my attempt to rewire that thought.

Instead of being ashamed to go to therapy, I’m proud to admit that I don’t have all the answers. I’m proud to ask for help. I’m proud to look my demons in the eye and make them blink. I’m proud to seek mental stability. I’m proud to believe that I can be better.

And if you feel the same? Well then I’m proud of you too.

#Happiness

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