#im constantly worried im not working enough for example bc i could have a second job and really use up all my time

[quenthel]

this past few weeks like 4 or 5 ppl told me at various times that i should relax more/take it easy more or in general take life less seriously... perhaps everyone is trying to tell me something...

[celestialpotat0]

I'm definitely old now

In 2023 I struggled to reconcile my desire to stay out late at night and make memories with my desire to have a restful sleep schedule. In my 20s I would regularly leave the house after 11pm because many spots and events don't get lit til around 12am. In 2023 I think I pretty much always chose sleep over staying up. Was supposed to go clubbing for my friend's birthday party, and I really wanted to go. But I probably wouldn't have been home til 3am, which would inevitably cause me to wake up early to go into work after some sleep-deprived days. I'd risk making mistakes at work or thinking too slowly at work, which could cause patient harm. Then I'd go home from work and be too tired to meal prep, work out, clean, study, etc. so that day would be wasted. And it'd take prob a few days to correct the 1 night of staying up too late. So i told him wouldnt be able to stay up late for clubbing, and in a way i shocked myself at how unfamiliar this new me is, given how much i loved going out dancing.

The Killers have a special place in my heart because their music transports me back to the middle school version of myself. I listened to Hot Fuss so many times in middle school and the drama spoke to my angsty, emotional, and insecure self. that younger version of me who constantly dreamed about a grander life. When they came to SF, I knew that it'd mean so much to go to their concert; I have this obsession with nostalgia and attaching sentimental significance to certain things so I can commemorate memories and try to relive or reexperience them. (yes i realize that was extremely redundant word choice but idc bc i gotta head into work in a bit.) But I decided with difficulty to miss their concert since I had early morning work the next day.

I have extra special fond memories of NYE in past years- gathering with lots of strangers, dancing, bundled up under thick layers and scarves to ring in the new year. in those moments that you're gathering and celebrating and chanting the last ten seconds of the year out loud in unison with everyone around you, you KNOW you're going to remember those exact moments of revelry and joy for years to come. but i turned down my friend's invitation to celebrate this year because i had work in the morning on New year's day.

These are just some examples of when me in my 20s might have leaned toward going. While I admit the clubbing may have been the pursuit of hedonism as dancing is joy found in a simple act of moving to music and allows me to leave all my worries behind off the dance floor, the concert was more about nostalgia and NYE was more about creating memories. In 2023, there were many other times when I consistently chose over and over again to NOT stay out late. Mainly because I felt an obligation to be responsible for my job. friend invited me to watch a movie that starts at 7pm next Friday--I told him I'll have to sit this one out because idk if i'll even be awake by the end of the movie.

a 7pm movie on a friday evening is too late for me now... welcome to my 30s.

I've recently started to reframe my perspective on getting older. im obviously starting to realize now that I feel way more wrecked on 5 hours of sleep than i used to. body aches appear spontaneously now. the appearance of my body and face is not what it used to be. but im actually really appreciating the present, because i think about how in my 40s I'm going to WISH I could be back in my 30s. And in my 50s I'm going to think man I really had it good in my 40s. So thinking of future me makes me appreciate the body I have today, and I actually feel grateful. I'm quite proud of shifting my perspective because when I was like 28-30 I used to feel miserable about the thought of getting older. I had best fully appreciate this time now, because it will slip away into the past, so I want to savor it all now while Im lucky enough to have it. i will say the weights ive been lifting have been the heaviest theyve ever been, so there are small victories.

My really dear friend is in her 90s and has sciatica. She has been in a lot of pain. But the other day I received a package from her in the mail. She'd sent me pecan pie and cookies. To know that she baked a pie and cookies and packaged them up and shipped them over to me from San Clemente, all despite her sciatica pain, is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness i've received. As i get older I also better understand just how much love is delivered through food. anyone who has cooked and prepared food for me, i realize how much it takes to do that and the abundance of love that is poured into and expressed through food. im so inspired and touched to witness that kindness and am grateful our paths crossed.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I've spent so long hating how i look and telling myself i just need to wait until I can get on T and that'll fix it. And even though i AM pretty sure I want the effects of t, im worried that once i'm on it i'll realise i actually dont like the changes, bc im nonbinary. And if T isnt for me and i come off it, i won't know what else to do. Because ive spent 2 yrs waiting with the expectation that T is what I need and want to help my dysphoria go away. But what if it doesnt?? What do i do then??

Lee says:It seems to me you are pretty confident you want the changes resulting from T. Being non-binary doesn’t mean you’ll regret T- I know a non-binary person IRL who started T a few years ago and is happy with it, and I’m starting T next week and I’m non-binary. It’s natural to get a bit nervous and second guess yourself when it gets closer to actually starting it!

I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about “what if it doesn’t help in the future” and instead practice mindfulness and staying in the moment. If it doesn’t help in the future, you can cross that bridge when you reach it. Right now, you should take care of your current self and not freak out about something that isn’t guaranteed to happen.

If T didn’t help, I think seeing a therapist (who is trans friendly) could help you work out your feelings about your body and help you figure out ways to cope with your discomfort. Hating your appearance could be related to mental illness and not just gender dysphoria. (This doesn’t mean you aren’t trans, it just means you can look at different ways to help reduce dysphoria besides medical transitioning). You still have avenues to explore even if T isn’t the cure-all for you, it isn’t The End™ and you won’t be doomed to unhappiness forever. Things will work themselves out.

You could think about what features of your appearance upset you. Then think about if it’s possible to change them or not. For example, you can change the pitch of your voice, but you can’t be guaranteed to grow a lot of body hair because everyone’s genetics are different. Work on changing what you are able to change through medical transitioning, be it hormones or surgery, and try to accept what is impossible to change. You don’t have to like it, but using coping skills to prevent you from constantly ruminating on it is healthy.

If you’ve spent two years thinking you want T, then ,,, I’m gonna go out on a limb… and say you probably want T and it will be helpful for you. T probably won’t fix everything, but it’ll be a good starting point, and it’ll make you feel better enough to be able to start working on the things that bother you, whether that’s starting to exercise, or bind or pack or change your hair or clothes or whatever things would help you. But I’d try to remember that there’s always something else to do, and nothing is The Only Way And Last Chance To Recover, despite what your anxiety might be telling you.

Followers, if you have anything to add on, please do!