#im gay and i have a Tumblr you think i wouldnt yearn for this?

[whatbutandreil]

i had an ask sitting in my inbox for a couple of months bc i didn't really know what i wanted to say, but i lost the ask:/

unfortunately, when i tried to save my response to my drafts, tumblr just,, fuckin deleted it, so im sorry to whoever asked it:/ but i have my response now. the ask said "what(or who) got you into tfc?" to the person who asked this question, thank you. this has been a really great reflection. so uh,, here's my answer:

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i kinda hate the way i came into tfc bc it was in a way that didn't respect the wishes of my, now friend on twitter, ziegenkind.

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basically, i was scrolling on pinterest, as you do, and i fell into a hole of like,, gay fanart? (not a question, just a little self-reflection on how fucking queer i am. how did i not fucking know?)

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anyway, so, i was scrolling, as you do, and i found @ziegenkind 's stunning painting of andrew and neil on the bottom bunk of the dorm bed (y'all know the one) and i was like "whooooo,, the fUCk are these two cuties (ʘ‿ʘ)??"

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PSA : DONT REPOST PEOPLE'S ART WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE EXPLICITLY SAYS NOT TO. THIS COUNTS AS REPOSTING IF YOU POST SOMEONE ELSE'S ART TO PINTEREST, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT QRT PEOPLE'S ART ON TWITTER IF PEOPLE SAY NO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. AND DONT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE'S WATERMARKS AND DEFINITELY DONT REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN. DONT FUCKING DO IT. to the lovely ziegenkind, (it's julian from twitter (^o^)丿) it's so fuckin unfortunate that i found your art through reposts and it's fucking horrible that people don't listen, but thank you for being my bridge into this fandom and im very grateful to have found you and been able to talk with such an angel. you quite literally changed my life forever and i can't thank you enough:') im eternally grateful for that. BUT DONT FUCKING REPOST DIPSHITS

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anyway, so, naturally, i sat in my bed for 3 hours at 1am on a school night, as you do, scrolling through andreil fan art and trying to figure out who the fUCK they were and what they were from. i found tfc and immediately downloaded it on my phone

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i didn't get to reading it for a bit tho:/ abt a week later, i was brought to the emergency room bc i was planning to kill myself. id been diagnosed with depression for around a year, who knows how long i was suffering before that, and i was hitting my lowest. it was abt 2 weeks after new years and on new years eve, i was planning on ending it bc i couldn't fathom dealing with it for another year. another year of feeling nothing or everything all at once. but my mom had called me downstairs to go to a new years party, so i didn't go through with it. abt 2 weeks later, i had seen my therapist again, and i was deflecting hard core, and she saw it, and she sent me to the ER. i was evaluated all night, but i wasn't kept for observation since i told the nurse that the thoughts had passed. i was taken out of school and put in an outpatient program where id have group for 4 hours and school for 2. every morning for abt a month, i would get picked up at my house in a minivan and id have a good 20-25+ min drive to program.

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every. single. morning. on the van, i would read tfc. every morning. i was going through, what i thought to be the worst time of my life (i now know that it in fact DID get worse and now we're going on a new level of bad, but then it was the worst id experienced) every morning i was reading about neil and him running from his father, something ive wanted to do for years. reading about andrew struggling with depression and self harm like i am and despising most touches bc of people in his life that ruined it, similar to how someone ruined it for me and doesn't understand that "no" means "no". reading about nicky learning to love and accept himself for being gay, for being who he is like ive been trying to accept myself being a queer ace trans boy. reading about kevin trying to cope with his anxiety, even if it's in an unhealthy way, the same way i do. reading about renee growing up one way and wanting to become a better person, something that i want to do every day. reading abt matt overcoming his addiction and loving his friends with his whole heart. reading about dan standing up for herself and being proud of who she is. reading abt allison cutting away the people in her life who wanted to hold her back. reading about aaron and andrew work through their differences to try and salvage their relationship. reading about neil taking his life back and living it the way he wants, on his terms, like i so badly crave to do. reading about neil and andrew finding a respectful and loving relationship, one where all boundaries are respected, not crossed, where there is comfort in being together and a certain understanding on a level that others could never wrap their mind around. the kind of relationship that i have always, always, yearned for, where i feel safe and loved and respected.

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these books taught me not only to die for the ones i love or kill for them, but to live for them, and to me, that is a much more daunting and difficult task.

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All For the Game gave me hope, something i never thought id have again. it gave me hope for tomorrow. and the day after that. and a month after that. and it gives me hope that one day, i will get away from my father, i will be comfortable with who i am and love myself for it, i will find ways to cope with my anxiety properly, i will be proud of the person i have become, i will have friends who i love and who love me, i will stand up for myself and be proud to be the person ive become, i will surround myself with good people and cut away those who treat me wrong and hold me back, i will work to repair and maintain good relationships.

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it gives me hope that i will finally break away from the pain and start to live my life the way i want, as the person i was meant to be, the way i was meant to live my life.

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it gives me hope that i will overcome my depression, that i will find the strength to stop harming myself to cope, that i will find the strength to push through, even after ive been given every reason to just give up.

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it gives me hope that one day, i will find a person who will love me for who i am, love me despite my past and the scars i carry, love me in a way that i'll never be able to explain or understand. that i will find someone who respects my boundaries, who asks "yes or no?" before touching me, who respects if i say "no" and still fucking loves me regardless. someone who can feel like they can be completely themself around me, and that i can feel the same around them. someone who will fall in love with me a little more every day. someone who i'll fall in love with a little more every day.

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it gives me hope that one day, hopefully someday soon—but i think im willing to wait—i will be happy.

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All For the Game quite literally changed to course of my life, and i can say with confidence that without it, i would not be here right now.

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people say that books and shows and movies change there life all the time, but i know that i wouldn't be here without it. these books saved my fucking life. i wouldn't have experienced those mornings, walking into program with a goofy smile on my face, practically vibrating with what i now know was joy, blabbing to every person i ran into that morning abt a boy with scars and a sharp tongue on the run and the small, depressed and angry blond who told him to stay. or nights when i sobbed and sobbed for those boys who deserved better. and i wouldn't have gotten black armbands to cover my scars and match with my two biggest inspirations. or when i have a bad impulsive thought, i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head going "what would andrew say? what would neil say?" and the vivid image of the small blond giving me a stare, face carefully blank, yet eyes swimming with a mix between disapproval and hope, and the boy covered in scars tentatively giving me a hug, a bit awkward at first, but he's a lovely hugger and eventually, awkwardness turns into comfort. without it, i don't think id know what pure, honest love is supposed to look like.

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sorry, i suppose this got quite a bit off track from what got me into aftg, but once i started writing, i couldn't stop.

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TLDR; i saw fanart on pinterest, DONT REPOST ART WITHOUT PERMISSION, and my life was saved and changed for the better by a book that i stumbled upon, purely by chance.

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i don't believe in fate, but i do think that i found these books for a reason, and that my life changed because of it. i suppose you could call it the butterfly effect.

[aloegardenia]

its one of them tag things ennit

tagged by: @kcjenkinsoffical

1. full name: aalia [redacted]

2. nicknames: bitch

3. birthday: 21st of June

4. age: its in double figures at least

5. zodiac sign: the one with the two lines

6. moon sign: when its not there, like my will to live

7. ascendant: up

8. venus: certainly is a planet

9. gender: female, i suppose

10. pronouns: she/her, though usually over the internet everyone assumes im a dude so sometimes its not that

11. sexuality: LESBIAN

12: myer-briggs type: you can say mbti, it’s okay

13. relationship status: single and yearning for a gf

14. best friend: hes not on here n i cant say his name but hes great we talk about camp camp together n stuff like that????? mm i love him v much

15. religion: not really, no

16. favorite color: gay purple

17. favorite music genre: ? that’s a preference people have???

18. favorite band/artist: uhhhhhhhh dont make me pick one?? 

19. favorite song: right now its the meiko version of tokyo teddy bear

20. favorite holiday: all of them is time off so

21. favorite tv show: south park, camp camp, b99, nomad of nowhere... you only wanted one? well fuck you then

22. favorite youtuber: nerdcubed, kwite, mileschronicles, jacksfilms, sorrow tv, probably others im forgetting

23. favorite perfume: the closest one

24. favorite season: that one kinda warm week in spring

25. favorite flower: all of them fuck you stop making me pick

26. favorite gemstone: fucking sapphires man theyre beautiful

27. favorite roller coaster: the one that takes me to hell

28. favorite fruit: the cyanide extracted from cherry pits

29. favorite vegetable: carrots because they double as weapons

30. favorite ice cream flavor: all at once, square up bitch

31. favorite candy: whatever answer i come up for this ends up being sexual in some way

32. favorite restaurant: ones where the employees get paid enough

33. favorite fast food restaurant: ones where the employees get paid enough

34. favorite starburst flavor: the pink ones 

35. favorite pizza topping: i could make a sex joke... but i can’t think of one...

36. favorite chip flavor: paint

37. favorite non-alcoholic beverage: water 

38. favorite alcoholic beverage: holy water

39. favorite video game: skyrim. and tf2. and sp:fbw&sot. (i am watching n3 completes bully right now and, petey,,,, my son,,,,)

40. favorite board game: the version of monopoly made for your town, specifically

41. favorite city: not this one

42. favorite dog breed: all of them? fuck you?

43. favorite animal: all of them? fuck you? Except spiders they’re spawns of satan?

44. favorite number: 96 because it represents two people who have the restraint of a god

45. coffee or tea: tea bitch what country is this

46. vanilla or chocolate: both, at once

47. leather or denim: leather? clearly this is attributed to rosa diaz, whom i trust immensly

48. short or long sleeves: long, unlike my attention span

49. patterned or plain: plain im fucking blind

50. floral or plaid: GOD HOW LONG IS THIS THING

51. black or white: black like my inner goth

52. makeup or no makeup: no makeup because it feels weird (@my parents if you fucking try that shit on me i’ll turn your face into my personal sketchpad)

53. tumblr or twitter: both, except nobody reads my twitter posts

54. facebook, snapchat, or insta: instagram, do you  u n d e r s t a n d  what happens there

55. phone, tablet, or computer: computer because it has skyrim on it

56. liberal or conservative: not conservative, i suppose liberal but i am in the uk and i still dont completely understand 

57. sunrise or sunset: sunset bc i can sleep then

58. are you vegetarian: nah

59. are you vegan: no, you wouldnt have to ask if i was

60. are you allergic to anything: no but that doesnt stop me from being a picky eater

61. are you polyamorous: ive only had two “””serious””” relationships, in a sense, but fuck i guess? whats better than 1 gf? 2 gfs

62. have you been out of state: no im constantly in a state of fear

63. have you been out of country: ive been to florida which isnt here, so i suppose so

64. have you kissed a boy: nah, though ive come close (eugh)

65. have you kissed a girl: lol i wish

66. have you kissed an enby: i know one (1) in person and they dont talk to me, take a guess

67. have you ever broken a bone: no im a weakling

68. have you ever been to the emergency room: no im still a weakling

69. have you ever been high: HEY ITS QUESTION 69

70. have you ever been drunk: no my mum sleeps downstairs with the dog id never get shit past her

71. have you ever been in a band or choir: no and god am i glad i havent

72. have you ever catfished someone: maybe? or it might’ve been my friend. bitch deserved it though

73. do you have any siblings: no and that is not changing any time soon thank god

74. do you live with your parents: ye

75. do you have more than 100 followers: somehow, yes

76. do you have more than 1,000 followers: lol nah

77. do you have more than 10,000 followers: please, never

78. do you smoke weed: no its too much hassle

79.  do you drink: no too much hassle for something so lackluster

80. do you have a job: no and i dont think that’ll change lol

81. do you own any musician/youtuber merch: i keep a copy of tabinof in my wardrobe, a remnant of a dark time in my life

82. do you have any internet friends: mf i know a guy from the netherlands. n my mutuals here count too. i used to have one but we never ever ever talk about her ever again

83. do you play any instruments: no im useless

84. where are you going to college: it dont have a choice, gotta stay in edu til im 18

85. college major: psychology or animation, i hope (well thats not how it works here but i suppose focus or smthn)

86. names of all your group chats: ? idk bitch damn

87. tap the middle autofill button ten times: what the fuck kind of god can do this on mobile?

88. what timezone do you live in: idk bitch shit

89. your best friend’s sign: one that says “i wish i had a girlfriend” on it, i think

90. your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th closest friends’ signs: one that says “i love my boyfriend very much”, one that says “look at that cute girl over then i wish i knew how to flirt” and “i spend all my money on character skins for league of legends”

91. your crush’s sign: it says “I am attractive in a leather jacket”

92. your mom’s sign: it has “i am incredibly strong for dealing with this MS bullshit” written on it in large letters because its especially true

93. your dad’s sign: it says “i care for my wife and i work full time and i do the housework and put up with a moron of a child, holy fuck thats a lot im great” and it accurate ngl

94. your sibling’s signs: well uhhh since i dont have any

95. your enemy’s sign: its says “i lie to get attention because i don’t have a single positive character trait i feel i can put out into the world” and she waves it at me a lot

96. your ex’s sign: well one says “im a massive twat” in fine print and the other is probably in a ditch somewhere so w/e

97. ex best friend’s sign:”WHAT THE FUCK IF GOING ON”

98. tag 5 people to participate: no dont tell me what to do