yfexsexg

[orcelito]

ok i watched episode 16 of trigun 98 and i have a Few Thoughts, but the biggest ones are:

HE PISSSED ON THE MOOOOOON

&

Is This Some Sort Of Twisted Christian Science?

no joke i had to pause the video for the twisted christian science thing bc i was laughing so fucking hard i was nearly choking. thanks, rai-dei

& of course the Moon Beam which was expected. what WASNT expected was the fact that Legato caused it instead of Knives. but knowing what happened in chapter 32 of trimax, it's not entirely out of the realm of the manga's canon either. but i Am sad about how we didnt get to see the #Looks both Vash and Knives served in the fifth moon incident in the manga. man.

interesting implications all around. im wondering where the Fuck knives is, bc we saw in the manga that he was regenerating, but now it's like. where tf is he, actually? we've only gotten snapshots of him so far. the briefest of thoughts. episode 16 and we're only just now getting direct confirmation that Vash is VERY not human (plus a confirmation that July was set 23 years ago in the anime, which is an added weirdness for new watchers who dont know about him being functionally immortal)

preview of the next episode shows that it's Backstory Episode. im done watching for today but im looking forward to seeing what the anime sets for that

[sunriseskog]

I Have Questions- Auston Matthews

Request: Can you do an Auston Matthews imagine based on the song I Have Questions by Camila Cabello? i enjoyed this prompt way too much

Warnings: Maximum Angst, Cursing

Word Count: 4038 im so sorry

Notes: this is so long im so sorry omg. Song prompts are by far my favorite and we all know that angst is My Shit but as always PLEASE let me know what you think & i hope you like it :)

You hated Toronto. You hated the smell and the noise and the buildings and the people and the weather and how crowded it was but most of all you hated how fucking alone being here made you feel. Approaching Auston’s first season in the NHL, you had convinced yourself that that would be the end of your relationship, you had broken your own heart day in and day out but you weren’t going to end it a single moment before you had to. No matter how much it hurt or how much it tore you apart, you would be there for him until it was no longer an option to do so. Your heart broke all over again when he asked you to go with him. The reassurance that Auston reciprocated enough confidence in your relationship to bring you with him to join him in one of the biggest moments in his life eased any nerves you had about leaving everything you knew.

Your relationship was one of the best things to ever happen to the both of you. Despite your fairly introverted personality, Auston was the one person in the world that you could spend literally all of your time with without it emotionally draining you. The two of you could laze around day in and day out and neither of you would ever get bored or sick of each other. You were exactly what he needed, and he was the same to you. You were a constant and comforting presence in the violent and unpredictable world of hockey. You had spent the entirety of your time in Toronto reflecting on the way your relationship used to be. Flashes of swimming pool fights and scorching road trips across the desert, lying naked in bed with the windows thrown open despite the heat, quickies in his car during lunch period and before practice. Your love was warm and rebellious and hot and the two of you shined so brightly together anyone looking in from the outside could have been blinded. Your love was Arizona.

God, did you miss Arizona. You missed home and your friends and any sense of familiarity whatsoever but most of all you missed the way that you and Auston loved in Arizona. It was like the moment the two of you settled in Toronto, the fire from back home faded. Toronto was cold and rainy and dark and lonely and that was all you had felt for the past year. Auston was always gone and it wasn’t like your job left a lot of room for workplace friendships. All you did, ever, was go to work and then go home. For the first few months you would go out and try to explore Toronto but you quickly realized that the city fucked up any navigational sense you had and exploring a new place was only fun if you didn’t spend the entire time lost, terrified, and alone. Whenever Auston was home he either brought the guys with him or went to bed moments after walking in the door. There was no point for you to be there. You genuinely felt like it wouldn’t make any difference in Auston’s life if you were there or not. For the entire week that you had returned to Arizona for your brothers birthday, Auston hadn’t called you once. He played his best games that week and the most you had seen him smile was in the various snaps he had started posting the night that you left.

You had watched him fall out of love with you. You had watched him fallen out of love with Arizona and in love with Toronto and there wasn’t a doubt in your mind that he had fallen in love with something else too. There was a reason he turned off his Snapchat location whenever he had ‘spontaneous Saturday practices’. Especially when you had seen the other guys posting about how good it was to finally have a day off. You weren’t sure which part broke your heart more, the fact that e was pulling away from you or the fact that he was growing closer to someone else. He had promised, before you left, he had promised that nothing would change. And now you were standing in the middle of what your lives had become and as you looked around at your relationship, you realized that you had been in this relationship alone since the moment you moved.

It was your anniversary. It was your anniversary and you had been in a relationship with Auston for 6 years and you had been in love with him for twice that and Auston was spending your anniversary at a training camp in Montreal. An optional training camp. And while you couldn’t say you were surprised, that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell. You had finished all of the work you had to do over the weekend so now you were sitting on the couch, scrolling mindlessly through your phone, trying not to focus on the fact that you were alone, again, on your anniversary. You had just switched from Twitter to Instagram for what had to be the tenth time in the past hour. honestly, you hate being on your phone. It was exhausting and mind-numbing and all it did was make you feel more alone but you needed some sort of intellectual stimulus or you thought you would die. It was then that you noticed that Marty had posted on his private Instagram for the first time in a while. You turned your sound up as you watched him record himself spinning around what appeared to be the balcony of a restaurant. You caught sight of Mitch and Steph and- and Auston. Auston was there, in Toronto, at lunch with his teammates and every. single. other. WAG. On your anniversary, without you, after he fucking told you that he just had to go to this fucking training camp. At this point you weren’t sure there even was a training camp, in retrospect it seemed pretty unlikely.

You had always had a knack for catching people in lies, it probably stemmed from how many fibs you told as a kid, but this was the first time you had ever thought about using this particular skillset on Auston. He had never done anything to make you suspicious of his loyalty, at least… not until now. You took a deep breath and sat up on the couch, hunching over your phone as you set your plan into action. First, you swiped up from the bottom of your phone and pressed the button to begin a screen recording. Once you had recorded the video, you went into your camera roll and slowly scrolled through every frame of the video, taking careful note of each player that was shown on screen. It was then that you noticed something you had missed in the few seconds that Auston had flashed on the screen when the video was at full speed. Despite the fact that Marty’s face was blocking out the bottom righthand corner of the screen, you could still see it, clear as day. Auston obviously wasn’t aware that Marty was recording, and you were pretty positive he was even less away that Marty had actually ended up posting the video. Auston was sitting in an armchair on the deck, and you felt your heart flutter at the smile that had overtaken his features, finally reaching his eyes for the first time in months. The flutter dissipated quickly as your face contorted into one of disgust as more of his body came into frame and you saw just what was causing him to smile like that. He was talking to a girl- no, a woman, leaning in closely to whisper in her ear, which you soon discovered was wholly unnecessary as it was revealed that she was sitting on his fucking lap. Your vision was blurring as your eyes filled to the brim with tears, but somehow you couldn’t make yourself look away. You duplicated the video, trimming it down until it was just the frames containing the two of them. You dropped your phone down to the cushion in front of you, forcing yourself to stare at it as it played on repeat over and over and over again. By the fourth or fifth time you had watched him press a kiss to the temple of her forehead the shock started to melt away and you could no longer muffle the sobs that were ripping their way through your throat from your diaphragm. You fell back to lay o the couch in an attempt to get yourself to stop crying, but it seemed like every time you tried to close your eyes all you could see was the fucking video. You hadn’t seen much, but it was more than enough for you to know. That was her. That was the girl he had fallen in love with. That was his Toronto love, the calm and seasoned and lasting love. The two of you had burned too bright for one for you to not end up burned, but he appeared to have made it out entirely unscathed, while you sat in the remnants of your intertwined lives, sobbing and fucking alone. You felt naive and immature and gullible but most of all you just felt used. You had very very literally given up everything for Auston. Not even for Auston, you had given up everything for Auston’s career. You figured the literal least he could do in return was honor the most basic term of agreement in your relationship. But apparently you knew this new Auston even less than you thought, because the boy that had cried when another boy asked you to dance at your sophomore homecoming dance had another girl sitting in his lap on your fucking anniversary and all you could do was sit and wait for when he decided you were good enough to come home to.

Something happens inside of a person when their heart breaks. You weren’t entirely sure how to describe it, but you and Auston had grown up so much together for so long that who the two of you were had become intertwined with each other. You had felt him pulling away for the past year but now it was like he had been ripped out of you completely. Everything just went…numb. You couldn’t even feel how heartbroken you were because he had taken your heart with you. Your mom had told you once that the most dangerous thing a woman could be was numb.  You hadn’t understood what she meant until this very moment. Because you stopped being hurt and you stopped being angry and you stopped being sad, you were just done. He was gone, and there was nothing you could do about it, but that didn’t mean that you weren’t gonna make it as hard on him as possible. You sat back up quickly, wiping your tears and picking your phone up from where it had fallen between the cushions. You paused the video and cited out of the app, all it did was annoy you at this point, you couldn’t even be mad, no matter how hard you thought you couldn’t be anything, you physically could not make yourself care about anything, let alone this. You opened your messages and felt a wave of pettiness wash over you as you removed Auston’s nickname from his contact.

The first thing you did was send him the cropped version of the video, making sure not to accidentally expose Marty while ensuring that Auston knew exactly what you had seen. You captioned the text with a simple ‘Going back to Arizona. My stuff will be gone by the time training camp is over. Hope you had fun.’ It wasn’t your best by far, but it got the job done and you were so unbelievably unwilling to invest any more energy in Auston than you had to. You had poured and poured and poured everything you had into him for so long that now you were finally empty. There was nothing left to give. You sent your brother the same video, with nothing more than an eye roll emoji and a screenshot of how long it would take you to drive back to Arizona. Any other time you absolutely would have flown, but you had a lot of shit to take with you and you didn’t want to have to wait for an available flight, plus the long drive would do you a lot of good. You knew from experience that if you really pushed it you could make the drive in just under 2 days, but it wasn’t like you had any responsibilities or anywhere to be, so you decided to stretch it out for a little over a week. It had taken you almost 6 hours to pack up all of your things and get them situated in your car and almost 20 minutes into shoving your life into films cardboard boxes you had gotten from the recycling outside of your apartment you had shut off your phone. You shot your family group chat a short text to fill them in on what was happening and inform them that you wouldn’t be responding for a while before powering down your phone and leaving it in the kitchen. After combing through the entire apartment for the third time to ensure that there truly was no trace that you had ever been there, you threw your dead phone into your purse before locking the door and slipping your key underneath it. You let your fingers rest on the lettering of the door, trying to reminisce about the good memories you had of the place before realizing that there were none. You flew down the stairs before getting into your car and turning on the loudest and most pissed off breakup playlist Spotify could find.

It had taken you less than 2 hours to cross over the border into the states and it was then that you pulled off on the nearest exit in search of the Verizon store that your phone old you wasn’t too far from the interstate. You had kept your ringer off and do not disturb on the entire drive and you wrote all of the important numbers on the back of a receipt you found in your center console before entering the store. The woman behind the desk had given you a confused list when you told her to just snap your old SIM card and give you a new one, but complied nonetheless. You had ripped it out of your phone before you could accidentally catch a glimpse of anything anyone had sent you. You upgraded to the newest version of your phone and sent another quick text to your family to make them aware of your new number before you rekeyed the directions and took off, pushing 90 on the highways and 100 on the interstates. You got off every couple hours either to grab food or refuel and you had fallen into such a routine that you didn’t notice how long you had been on the road for. You weren’t tired at all but logically you knew that you would have to stop soon. You decided to veer a little less than an hour off course to spend the night in Chicago, while it wasn’t exactly worlds away from Toronto, something about the fact that you were at least back in your home country made you feel exponentially more comfortable despite the fact that you were surrounded by skyscrapers. You were just getting settled in the hotel room you had rented out for the night when you felt your phone buzz. The sensation was a little foreign, especially given that only 3 people had your new number and they knew you weren’t really in the mood to interact with anyone when you got like this. Upon realizing that it was your brother that had texted you, you grew even more confused. You typed in your new password and your heart dropped as you read what he had sent you, you immediately clicked on his contact and waited for him to pick up the phone.

“What the fuck do you mean he has my number? How the fuck is that even possible, Jackson?” You demanded angrily once you heard the line connect.

“Mom gave it to Ema because Ema was worried about you but she forgot that they’re all on the same iTunes account or whatever,” he tried to explain.

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” You asked, utterly lost as to the correlation between the two facts before you quickly realized what Jackson was trying to hint at. “Oh, fuck,” you cursed, throwing the bottle of water that had been sitting next to you into the wall out of frustration.

“You know what, its fine,” you breathed out, determined to calm yourself and not let this ruin the little bit of peace you had come to find. “I’ll just block his number before he can say anything and then it won't even be a problem,” you reasoned, quickly placing your brother on speaker before adding the number you had memorized years ago to your contacts, only to immediately go into your seconds and add him to your ‘Blocked Caller’ list.

“I think that definitely one of the wisest decisions you’ve made about Auston in years, (Y/N),” he joked with obvious relief in your voice upon hearing that you were going to be okay.

Three days later you had decided to stop in Colorado for the night. You had taken your sweet time proceeding home and had ended up spending two nights in Chicago before actually continuing on the road. You couldn’t put into words how good it felt to have this time alone to get to know yourself and who you were without Auston. You had spent the past year absolutely terrified of being alone but upon further reflection, and with the help of some inspirational wackjob on a local AM radio somewhere in the middle of Illinois, you came to the conclusion that you were the only person you were going to spend your entire life with, so you have to learn how to be your own best friend. And honestly, now that you didn’t feel like you were missing half of yourself every time you were alone, you had found a level of contentment in your solitude. You found yourself smiling more with every stranger you got to interact with and the weight that had been on your chest for the past 11 months seemed to disappear completely. This time, your phone rang with a phone call from your brother instead of a text. You picked up immediately with a wide grin.

“Hi, bubba! Whats up?” You laughed, hesitating at the lack of response you received.

“You cant come home, (Y/N),” he said seriously.

“Wh-what?” You questioned, “What are you talking about?”

“He flew back home, he thought you would already be here and he came by the house this morning banging on the door and he wouldn't leave until Dad let him tear apart the whole house looking for you. I told him we didn’t know where you were but he’s only gonna believe that for so long. He said he’d come back every day until you forgave him,” Jackson told you, his voice wavering. “Listen, (Y/N), I get where you’re coming from and I support you wholeheartedly but… he’s been part of our lives just as much as he’s been a part of your and to see him cry like that…” Jackson trailed off. “I don’t know what you’re going to decide to do but somebody gotta put him out of his misery.”

You sighed, knowing he was right. “Alright,” you said. “I’m not forgiving him, and I'm not taking him back,” you asserted forcefully. “But… I can be home by tomorrow morning. I’ll talk to him and I’ll make sure he leaves you guys alone. I’m sorry you have to deal with this,” you finished softly, knowing that Auston had been like an older brother to Jackson for a majority of both of their lives.

“Thank you… I love you,” Jackson finished, telling you to drive safely before you heard the line disconnect. You packed your stuff back up, not bothering to inform the hotel of your departure, it wasn’t like it was anywhere close to expensive anyways.

Somehow, Auston was already sitting on your front porch when you pulled into the driveway. The realization that Jackson hadn’t told him you would be coming that morning hit you and you concluded that Auston was genuinely serious about tormenting your family every day until you returned. He hadn’t seemed to notice your arrival so you jumped out of your car and slammed the door harshly.

“What kind of manipulative, toxic, borderline abusive bullshit is this, Auston? Who the fuck are you to bring my family into your fuck up? None of us have EVER done anything but give you absolutely everything we had and now you’re going to turn around and try to weaponize our love for you against us just because you cant keep it in your pants?” You demanded angrily, stalking up towards him until you were staring him directly in the face.

“(Y-Y/N),” he stuttered, standing up slowly, clearly unsure of how to proceed. “I just- I just came because I wanted to apologize…” He trailed off, looking down at the floor guiltily.

“That's a goddamn lie and you know it, Matthews,” he flinched a the disgust you inflicted into his last name. “You came so that you could guilt me and my fucking FAMILY into putting up with your self-indulgent bullshit but I genuinely cannot put into words how fucking over it I am. Get the fuck out of my way,” you punctuated your words by jabbing your finger into his chest, feeling a sense of victory every time he stumbled backward.

“Listen, (Y/N), the least you can do is let m-“ You looked at him with something far past the point of disbelief.

“I have spent my entire life doing the absolute most for you, regardless of what it cost me, and you have the fucking audacity to try and tell me what the least /i/ could do is? The least YOU could do was not FUCKING CHEAT ON ME, AUSTON,” you shoved him out of your way this time, not caring that he had fallen to the ground.

“Wait,” he started again pushing himself up off of the lawn to grab your wrist. You whirled around, feeling anger overtake each and every feature of your face.

“Fine, Auston, you know what? You wanna talk so bad? Okay, I’ll talk. How the fuck could you leave me there? How the fuck could you sit there and watch me fade away, completely disregarding and invalidating absolute everything that I try to confide in you? How the fuck could you listen to me cry about how homesick I was and lonely I felt and how much I hated Toronto and not do a damn thing about it? I gave up everything for you, and I was willing to take you not being there for me. I was willing to accept that I would spend the rest of my life feeling depressed, and alone, and abandoned as long as it meant that I got to have you in it. But most of all, how the fuck could you sit there and look me in the fucking eyes and tell me that you were IN LOVE WITH ME and then turn around and tell her the exact. same. thing. I truly don’t understand how you can look at yourself, because I sure as hell can’t,” you finished, proceeding inside and slamming the door behind you, pointedly make sure to not look at the boy you had left behind. He had turned his back on you long ago, and it was time for you to do the same.

Notes: thank you so much if you actually read this far ohmygod! i’m still not sure how i feel about this fic so please feel free to tell me what you think! thank you :)))

[5hfanfiction]

Too Close To Home - Chapter 8

“Thank you guys for making this happen, some of y'all have been with me since I was in a group called Fifth Harmony and for that, thank you. Thank you for riding this long ass ride with me. And for you guys who just started becoming a fan, thank you for thinking that I’m worth your time, you guys don’t know how much this means to me. Goodnight everybody, and as always, LOVE ONLY!!!” I shout to the audience for my debut tour in Miami. It’s a sold out show, which I have to admit, it was overwhelming- in the best way possible.

I thought that by starting a solo career, I had to actually start from scratch. I had a lot of harmonizers who turned against me for quitting the group but now that I’m here, it shows how I was actually underestimating my fans’ love. Some of them are actually wearing Fifth Harmony merchandise which I don’t consider it as rude really, I think it’s sweet that they stan both Fifth Harmony and me.

It is now late February of 2018 and I’ve actually released my very first album just a month ago. Now, singing to the 10k audience and them singing along shows just how loyal they are. My input on the songs increased drastically compared to the 7/27, so every song on the album is pretty personal. The fact that they’ve all listened to me and took the time to repeat them until they actually memorize the lyrics means a lot, and they are just a fraction of the whole world.

I head to the back stage, my adrenaline still rushing through my body because of the roaring fans. Compared to the tour with Fifth Harmony, this takes less energy as I didn’t dance to most of the songs. I do still dance thought, I don’t think I’m ready to actually stop, they’re quite addicting.

Ashlee, my current guitarist comes to the dressing room, asking me if I want to go celebrate for a successful start by a fancy dinner with some of the crews, in which I accept gratefully. It’s nice to feel included.

When Lauren and I broke up last two years, I became distant, since Lauren became closer to the crew and the girls. It was some sort of a silent agreement. But I didn’t mind. Instead, I put those extra time to more song writing and practicing playing the guitar with Ashlee. So in a way, Lauren helped me in making my album happen. She was also what inspired me to write, most of the songs I’ve written are about her.

I change my attire to a black dress, getting ready for the dinner. It was laced dress that was custom made just for me, so the dress pretty much hugs me at all the right places - including my butt. It was a late dinner considering we finished at 9 but I like food so I don’t really mind. Besides, I probably lost what I ate before the concert from my excessive sweating.

Ashlee and I rode a different car from the crews as we took more time to dress and reapplying my make up.

The restaurant was fancy, white and cream walls with dim yellow lighting. It was big and it is definitely the place you bring someone to on a date. The walls had expensive and expressive paintings, making it seem a bit pretentious but whatever. It was our very first concert so I think that’s why they kind of went overboard with the location.

I don’t mind but I wouldn’t oppose if it was at a pizza place. This place just means that I have to eat properly. And as much as I want to, I can’t, my uncoordinated hands forbid. I mean, take the picture where my food fell and Lauren laughed at it as an example. That was only one of the many.

As I walk out from the toilet after accidentally pouring my drink to my dress, I came to a halt. From my peripheral vision, I saw Lauren siting at the bar on the middle of the restaurant with Lucy.

This is their hometown and I know Fifth Harmony is on a short break this month, but what are the odds of actually bumping into them in one of the many restaurants in Miami?

I contemplated whether I should announce my presence or not. If I did, it could cause an awkward talk and I’m not the person you go to for those talks. But if I don’t, it would be deemed mean and quite arrogant. Besides, how many times can I actually bump into them? It’s an opportunity I had to take.

The girls and I talk every week now since the AMAs. Dinah has now become a huge part of my life yet again. We would prioritize each other for at least an hour every three days and we would talk about everything. She made time for me and I love her for it. Actually, if she wasn’t so busy with her family today, she would’ve visited me and watch me perform.

Ally and I had actually called each other before I performed a few hours ago. She called me to say goodluck and that she was happy for me. It was a sweet gesture and I was surprised how she was so accepting.

For Normani, it was still a bit awkward but it wasn’t because of jealousy or grudges, it was simply because she was always closer to Lauren than me. Which I’m fine with honestly, at least Lauren still has someone to talk to, just like how I have Dinah.

Lauren and I still haven’t talked alone after the dinner 3 months ago. We talk but it’s usually when I’m skyping with the girls, she would pass by and greet me or some sort. I’m actually better now than last year, every grudge I held against Lauren evaporated as time passed by. Now, I don’t think I would mind if I were to see Lauren and Lucy together. Don’t get me wrong, she’s was my first love so I don’t think I can ever not get some type of reaction but it has gotten better than last year. I feel like once Ashlee actually told me that I still loved Lauren, I became more aware and I’ve been dealing with it. Before that, I think I was just running away from my problems- ironically enough, just like she had. I never dealt with it head-on, I just hid it inside a box at the corner of my mind and just repressed it. I became numb and I got used to it to the fact that I didn’t even realize what I was doing.

That’s why now that I look at them at the bar, I had no feeling of longing or envy. I’m genuinely happy for them, the risk they took to be together was massive and yet, they still took it. I mean, if they were to break up, it could not only kill their relationship but their friendship too. When Lauren and I broke up, we didn’t even talk at all, Lucy’s been friends with Lauren for more than 10 years, so it might hurt more.

I walk towards them and since they haven’t see me, I greeted them with a “boo” from behind that startled the both of them. I laugh at myself because come on, that is funny.

They look at me with wide smiles that actually reach their respective eyes. Lauren was wearing a similar dress like mine, a black one but instead of  crew neck, it was v cut, showing her front asset nicely. Lucy was wearing a white dress that flowed to her foot. Each of them had the same taste in outfits but Lauren likes darker colors - as per usual.

“Hi,” I announce, hugging both of them at the same time as they stood up out of courtesy.

“Hey! What are you doing here?” Lucy asks first, her smile still attached to her face.

“I’m actually celebrating for my first ever concert, what about you guys?” I asks, genuinely curious. This place looks so fancy that I doubt they would actually frequent here.

“Oh, we made a pact to have a fancy ass dinner once in a month. Today is one of the days, Now that we’re adults, we are always busy so this is the only time we both have.”

“Oh damn, I was gonna ask you guys to join us but it looks like you guys have better things to do. I’m not one to disturb a romantic dinner date,” I say.

“Actually, if we could, we would like to join. We were actually waiting for a free table for forever and since it’s a bit late already,” Lucy says, whispering, “Lauren’s fault,” then continuing, “we would actually love to eat here, Im famished.” Lauren just nodded happily, making me laugh at her cute antics. That’s not weird, right?

“Of course, we haven’t actually ordered food yet.”

I walk towards the table with them trailing behind. Luckily, there were two vacant seats beside me so I don’t have to awkwardly ask for 2 chairs and squish together.

They greeted everyone with a hello and a smile and sat down, Lauren beside me and Lucy in front of Lauren. Ashlee was infront of me so the rest of the crew were on the other side.

The waiter came a few minutes later, writing our orders of 8 people. Some of the crew couldn’t come because they were too tired from a long day of working. I couldn’t really blame them, they’re gonna actually bring down everything and put them in the trucks for my next concert two days from now.

The guys talked amongst themselves while Ashlee, Lauren, Lucy and I caught up with each others’ lives. Lucy has a stable modeling career, this is her only break from a demanding job. Lauren has a short break, that’s why she’s back in Miami with her family. Next week, she has to go back to LA to begin recording their new album - one as a four piece group.

I stepped back from the group more than a year ago, but they weren’t really focused on new music after I left. They were more focused on stabilizing everything, like continuing the 7/27 tour in Asia and recording the songs on both Reflection and 7/27 albums, but this time, replacing my vocals equally to the girls.

At least people are happier now that Lauren has more solos. She deserves it.

I didn’t mind it as much anymore. When they performed Work From Home without me, I was a bit sad because well, they’re replacing me.

But as time passed, I realized that it was a bit selfish of me to feel so. It was my choice to leave, why should they hold on to me? The world doesn’t revolve around me, they can do whatever they want.

As I realize that, I got more accepting and I begin feeling happier. The talk I had with Lauren made me realize that I should move on. The talk I had with Lucy made me realize that I shouldn’t hate her based on my biased feelings. Basically, the whole thing that happened last year made me a better person in a really long time, and it was only a few months ago.

I felt like I was quite self-absorbed at first. When I was still in Fifth Harmony, I actually created a song with Shawn that boosted my career. The fans and people begin to look at me as the leader of the group and it was just wrong.

I never wanted that but I didn’t think of the consequences of it. I was just too entranced in making a song I could create myself and it kind of took a toll on the other girls. The group lost its name in a way. We weren’t as united as we were before. People treated me differently than they would at the other girls. People outside the fandom knew my name while they just called the other girls members of Fifth Harmony. It was simply unfair and I didn’t realize it sooner.

The fact that I quit the group was also a bit of a selfish act. I wasn’t thinking of how it might affect the group, I was too busy trying to make a name for myself that I forgot how the others feel. Yes, I told them about it earlier but it was more of a statement than a discussion. I simply told them that I was quitting and I ended at that. They had no say whatsoever, not that I was willing to hear at that time anyway.

I’m glad that they don’t hate me now. Because now that I’m alone for a year now, I’ve come to realize that friendship matters.

I’m still friends with Taylor and her crew, but they were kind of more focused making a name for themselves that we barely have time. Taylor is a really famous singer and the public demands a lot of her time. The other girls simply has either modeling careers or singing careers, so they don’t have time either. It’s so ironic because it was basically what I did back then, I was too busy that I sort of ignored the other girls.

“So, Camila, how was the concert?” Lauren asks, her eyes full of curiosity and some sort of fondness, making my heart swell - not in a romantic way, a friendly way I think.

I start talking about my songs and how the fans reacted to them, how the fans clapping and cheering relaxed any type of anxiety that was building at first, how happy I truly was at the stage.

She knows I was unhappy performing when I was at Fifth Harmony. I lost sleep and any type of energy because I brought everything with me at the tour. It killed me emotionally and mentally and Lauren knew it, even if we broke up. She was also quite unhappy, simply because of the hours they took from us. The amount of dance routine we had to perfect and the amount of vocal practices that only destroyed our voices. That’s why Lauren smokes, it’s some sort of rebellion against the label.

“I’m gonna hit the ladies room for a minute,” Lucy announced after I finished talking, standing up and giving Lauren a peck before walking to the toilet.

“Actually, me too,” Ashlee says, giving me a mischievous wink before walking behind Lucy, leaving Lauren and I in an awkward position.

“So…” I start, not knowing what to say.

“What’s up?”

“Still up for that friend deal?” I say with a shy smile, my hands now twisted together under the table. It’s so weird to say that head on but what else can I say.

“Of course,” she smiles, looking into my eyes with such intensity, “friends.”

“Since we’re friends, I have a question, remember during the AMAs backstage when you wanted to say something but decided not to? What did you want to say?” I ask. It’s been on my mind for quite some time but I shoved it aside since it wasn’t really a priority at that time.

“Oh yeah, didn’t think you’d remember that,” she says, nervously. Unfortunately, the girls came back so Lauren just whispers, “some other time.”

We all talk for a bit more and when the clock struck 11pm, we realized that we stayed a tad bit longer than expected.

I, of course, offered to pay for everyone’s meal since this is a celebration for my tour. The 4 crew members bid their goodbyes and went their way, leaving the two Ls, Ashlee and I outside of the restaurant.

“So, Lauren, when are we gonna be in the same state again?” Ashlee asks.

“I’m not sure, unless you guys have a concert in LA soon, then yeah.”

“Oh actually, we have it during Mimi’s birthday so are you guys going to be there? We could celebrate her birthday with you guys.”

“Hey,” I interrupt, “Im right her you know.”

Lauren ignored me and said, “Yeah, we’re probably gonna be there.”

“Lucy?”

“I have a photo session there on March so I think so,” she states while smiling.

Ashlee looks at me and says, “Alright then, Mila, we’re gonna celebrate you birthday with the girls,” a short break before continuing, “no buts.”

I just nodded, I didn’t mind hanging with them so why not?

After a few minutes of talking, a car passed through, the music blaring through to our ears. What’s special about it was that it was a song I indirectly sang to Lauren last year - Say You Won’t Let Go.

I watch Lauren’s reaction. She was looking down and staring down, making me know that she’s now in deep thoughts.

…

“Camila, what song do you wanna cover for our BBC Live Lounge?” Kelly ask while getting ready.

We have about 5 hours to think and rehearse our songs and we don’t even know what to perform. But BBC Live Lounge is always like that, they ask you to perform one of your songs and cover another.

I think back to the songs I’ve listened to the past week, deciding that Run Up by Major Lazer is quite hard to cover.

I kind of want a song that’s quite personal and touching. But I can’t perform the songs I’ve written yet, it’s not possible.

I look through my music on my phone and came across one of the songs I’ve been literally obsessed, Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur.

It was a really sweet song and it reminds me of Lauren a lot, so I can’t help but choose this one. It was released back in September and the first time I heard it, I got emotional.

Lauren and I weren’t to together at that time but I’ve listened to it, hoping she wouldn’t let go of what we had. It was like a hope song. It was before I knew she was with Lucy. Now I just feel dumb for thinking about it.

“How about this?” I show my phone to Kelly.

“I don’t mind, but I’m a rapper, I can’t exactly sing,” he says sheepishly. I’ve actually grown fond of him and he’s pretty cool to hang with.

“Why don’t we change the second verse to a rap verse? You’re great at making lyrics on the spot. We have 5 hours to kill anyway, I’ll help.”

Since I’ve listened to this song a million times already, I don’t really need to memorize the lyrics. 

We both decided on his verse together for about 2 hours, completely content with what we’ve done at the end.

Next was the music, it was basic at some parts but a bit upbeat towards the end. Since the band were professionals, it wasn’t as hard to direct how the music should go.

This is seriously gonna hit Lauren hard. I’m sure she knows this song about her because seriously, how subtle can I be? I’m also wearing a pants that has a rose on it. A simple yet clear way of showing this is for her. On top of that, I just posted a picture of the roses on instagram saying, “For you… 🌹”

But it’s subtle enough because my fans might think it’s for them. So yeah, go me.

As we sang through the song, I got emotional yet again and pretty much closed my eyes the whole time, knowing that if I open them, they could see my eyes pouring down. My voice sounded raw and if you listen to it properly, you could hear how my voice is breaking, making it obvious that I’m crying a bit.

This is what I know for sure, if Lauren hasn’t let it go, I won’t.

But unfortunately, a few days later, Lauren had announced her engagement with Lucy, crushing any type of hope I have, embarrassing me for what I’ve said passively to her.

What killed me more was that I heard that Lauren was the one who proposed.