#im gonna switch to XIV unintentionally if I think about this too long

[system-of-a-feather]

So the past few days Lucille and Aderis did a "maternal coup" which apparently essentially is just the two of them chilling near the front, taking over in laying down the law on what we are doing and how we are spending out time to help keep me engaged and not dissociating into survival mode to brood on existential crisis-es of being near the end of one of the large pervasive and complex trauma-stressors

And its really honestly helped a lot in grounding me a bit cause I'm starting to get back around to the more adaptive thing and realizing that its actually kinda cool, that soon enough we can secure a good income and between my fiance and us working full time and us entirely skipping the "side mission" of raising children, we basically immediately jump into our "main story goals" being literally whatever the hell we like and want to do / achieve. Everything beyond what is achieved is "extra" cause we had "made it" enough to have relative stability.

From there on out, there isn't this larger need for a why related to survival, but rather just a "why not" and while that still sounds rocky depending on when you ask me, I'm really starting to warm up to it. The sandbox mode of this management sim was originally stressing me out and I thought it would have issues with motivation and all, but I guess I'm learning to answer "why should we" with "why SHOULDNT we" after sitting two days up here with our retired ex-primary protectors and XIV who - together - started talking about 'why not' goals because XIV commented that he needed a stool to sit on for his guitar and Lucille commented that we were likely moving so we shouldn't get one yet and should put it on a list of things we want to invest in.

Its also pretty neat because XIV, Lucille, and I are both really keen on setting money aside in the budget solely to donate to causes that matter, donate to people who need it, and to account in our life style to stay within the comfort levels where we don't have to be stressed or worry about 'if we can afford' giving people / donating money to those that need it more.

And that idea just sounds... kind of neat. In a way it kind of reminds me of when I was on my second / third year of marching band where I was no longer a "baby" and I could start adopting and fostering others while casually building my own interests and goals.

I dunno man, it sounds pretty neat. Of course its contingent on us actually getting a job (which I don't actually worry too much on with how Our System Is) but huh.

We can allocate funds into charity, because why not. We can allocate funds into eventually becoming the parrot behavioral master, because why not.

Our system is so adjusted to having to do everything min-maxed and living with only the bare necessities until like... the past year that the idea of no longer needing to be on bare necessities is just... Wild

It's also just hitting me that for a pair of disabled 22 year olds, my fiance and I have really done really good. I still can't necessarily say if it was worth it because I'm very shocked we are alive with the sheer amount of pressure and sheer lack of self indulgence and self care + the grind we've been on since before I can even remember and how much all of that was sacrificed to "do really good" but damn.

I'll probably spiral back if Lucille let me sit down and dissociate brood for more than half an hour, but I'm starting to - just maybe, accept and enjoy the fact that we.... we maybe... we maybe got it???