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soundofseventeen · 4 years

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13 Days of Christmas (Jeon Wonwoo)

If you read Terrible Things, this is in the same universe! It was one of my favorites to write!!! Also Joshua Hong has got me fucked up...unedited bc im getting ready for work

Word count: 2392

You could feel it deep in your bones that something was off with Wonwoo. He was generally a happy person; you could tell by the way he walked. When he was happy, he took big strides and if he was in the middle of a story, he would often talk with his hands, and sometimes he could be heard before he could be seen. But when something bugged it, it was darkness loomed over him, no matter how hard he tried to cover it up. Ever since the month started, you could see his spirits deflating by the day.

Now Christmas was one of your favorite holidays because it brought out the charitable sides of people. And the lights and inflatables made everything feel magical. You often switched between the famous Santa hat to the elf just because.Everything just...felt different. And every time you saw Wonwoo, it was like he lacked something. At first, you thought he caught a bug which is why you stayed at arm’s length for a time. No offense to him, but if you got sick, you’d be sad because the child you adored so much didn’t deserve to be sick.

And then, you asked him if he was still sick and he looked at you funny and you knew he wasn’t sick and you felt foolish. So you made him cookies to make up for it. But when you went to his house, you were surprised that you didn’t find one anything related to Christmas, not a tree or stocking or even a single candy cane. The outside didn’t look like the rest of the neighborhood. And the inside just looked the same. It kinda broke your heart and then it clicked that he was still mourning the death of his wife and you felt even dumber for not noticing that sooner.

He had given you the time off to go home with your friends and family and he’d stay with Daejung. All the other members finally had the chance to spend their Christmases either back home or with the families of their newest love interests. So, you rejected the offer and told him you’d be staying home instead so if he needed you for any type of emergency, you’d be easy to reach.

So you fixed up your house with enough Christmas cheer to take you to the next century and whipped up more food than you thought you had and counted down the days to Christmas. You bought and sent gifts to your deserving family members and some for the boys whenever you saw them again (which you had a hunch would be some time after the new year because the idol life was hard) and you put extra thought and care for the single father and son who you hoped wouldn’t be so lonely anymore. It saddened you to think Dae would grow up without a mother but Wonwoo...Wonwoo lost his best friend and partner in crime. He’d have to watch Dae turn into someone who resembled both. Mrs. Jeon Wonwoo, according to Wonwoo was a spectacular woman so with her in mind, you found something for them for each of them and you hoped they liked it.

“Y/N, you didn’t have to go through all that trouble just to have us over,” Wonwoo chided you gently. “It’s just a holiday and Dae won’t even know if missed a Christmas.” He wiped his mouth on the napkin you provided. He wasn’t as he hungry as he looked but you just made the best food he ever tasted, so he just had to get a bite of everything.

You fed Daejung a spoonful of soup you made especially for him while looking at him. “No one should spend it alone, and I wasn’t gonna have anyone over. And since I work for you, isn’t this just another day for us?” You turned to the baby who was expectantly waiting for more. “Alright baby, open up. Alright you wanna feed yourself? Okay, but eat.”

He raised his cup of coffee in a toast but he watched you interact with Dae feeling happy despite the circumstances. His wife had passed away about half a year ago, so while he still struggled to make peace with it, he found comfort in knowing found a close to full time nanny that loved him almost as much as she would’ve. He knew you fell in love with the baby at first sight and Dae himself did so many things for your attention when Wonwoo interviewed you. He finally felt like he made the right choice in choosing. He was still realistic though; he wasn’t gonna ask for your hand in marriage and ask you to raise Dae like he was your own son. But he had to admit he hated the way his heart twisted up at the thought of Dae being old enough to do these things without you.

“Eww, dirty boy,” he saw you affectionately wrinkle your nose at him, “you got the carrots all over yourself. Wow, you finished your potatoes. Do you want more?” Wonwoo was pleasantly surprised when Daejung nodded. “Finish a little bit more juice, my love. Please?”

“Aren’t you gonna eat, Y/N?” He didn’t doubt that your own food would be cold by now. “I can take care of him? We’re your guests.”

You waved him off, standing up and getting Daejung out of his high chair, not minding the mushed vegetables that landed on your white shirt and potentially staining it. You finally sat him on your lap, ready to finally enjoy your meal. “I have noodles, corn, peas and whatever you want...okay maybe not whatever you want but things you can eat.”

“Is he really that hungry?”

“I don’t know much about genetics but I’m almost positive he takes up after you with that.” You pointed at the nearly empty plate and Wonwoo was shocked at how much he managed to eat. “Watch. I’m gonna grab some of the noodles with my chopsticks and then Dae’s gonna grab them and eat them.”

“Aren’t they spicy?” The whole reason he ate nearly everything else except the noodles was for that same reason.

“Wonwoo, if I didn’t know he’d eventually pick at my plate, I would’ve added more spices and everything. Mostly everything I made is safe enough for Dae to eat.”

“Why?”

“Because he will eat just about anything I make, especially if I’m about to eat.” And sure enough, the moment you raised the chopsticks with the noodles, Daejung swiped them and stuffed them in his mouth, giggling like he knew what he was doing.

Wonwoo watched in awe how you balanced his son on your lap while he ate the vegetables and how you managed to feed yourself while holding a conversation. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve sworn he was your son. Soon enough you finished eating and he was gonna clear the table but you held out Dae to him and Wonwoo got the hint he needed changing. You gave him directions to change him in your room while you finished.

He was struck dumb when he saw a picture of Dae on your nigthstand, looking so happy and full of life. Wonwoo figured Dae was a couple months younger judging from the baby fat, but he looked the same. He looked a lot like his late wife and he was brought back to the harsh reality that she was gone. He didn’t think he could ever love someone that much again. It wasn’t fair; maybe she would’ve still been here if he didn’t convince her to quit her job. Maybe If he told her not to go to Japan with them or maybe if Soonyoung didn’t convince her to have dinner. Maybe, maybe...

A sudden sob racked through his body and he tried to keep his composure. He was here with Daejung and you. This already happened; he couldn’t turn back time no matter times he wished it. The reality was his wife was gone. He was learning to live without her and Daejung would never have a memory of her. He shook his head. He was a guest here in your home; he needed to be happy for the moment, because he was enjoying himself a few minutes ago with you. You were laughing and throwing food at each other. You were friends spending Christmas together and Daejung just so happened to be the person who brought you together.

When he went to the living room, he didn’t expect to see you on the couch lightly flipping through the channels with the fireplace on. He felt...warm and cozy in so many ways and he just had to smile. Daejung cooed and you turned around quickly, hands stretched for your favorite little friend. He squirmed in Wonwoo’s arms, clearly wanting you and you handed him over, once again in awe in how much Dae loved you.

“Alright Mister, we’re gonna open Christmas gift and then you can go home, okay?” You lowered your voice but he could still hear you. “I found the cartoons you like so if you fall asleep you can stay longer because your daddy wouldn’t dare take you out in this cold.” You booped his nose and his little hand touched your cheek.

“Did you get us presents? Y/N, you really didn’t have to. We already took up so much of your time.”

“Yes I absolutely had to. What’d you think? You were coming over just to have breakfast? No, come sit down and enjoy the day. Jeon Wonwoo, you and I, we’re a family in a way.”

Family. He had to admit, he liked the idea of that. He sat down next to you as you put Dae on the floor so he could crawl to his heart’s content. “Where’d you get all those toys?”

“Well, with how you work a lot at night and you bring him over, isn’t it a smart idea to have something for him to play with?”

“Your friends must think you’re weird for taking care of some idol’s kid, huh?”

“Well Wonwoo, to be honest, I don’t have them over very much for that same reason. From the way you and your friends talk about your wife and the fact that the media doesn’t even know about her, I just assumed that you’d like to keep it that way, for the respect of her privacy. My friends don’t even know it’s your son I take care of. As far as they know, you don’t have a son. They just know I watch my boss’s son most of the time. Any days off you give me, I try to keep them away from here...just so they don’t ask questions. It’d be a little hard to explain why I have a mini version of Jeon Wonwoo in my house.”

He smiled at you wholeheartedly. “You weren’t kidding when you said you knew what you were getting into.” He could feel his heartbeat picking up. Have you always looked like that?

“Dae will eventually have to grow up and face all of this but as his babysitter, it’d be best to let him stay out of the limelight as long as possible. It’s harder for you because you’re still traveling the world but you know as long as we keep doing whatever we’re doing, he’ll be fine.” You weren’t looking at him as you spoke because your earnestness often made you feel embarrassed so you kneeled on the floor and picked up Wonwoo’s Christmas gift. Daejung, having been busy crawling everywhere he could, fell asleep and you draped a small blanket over him.

“I feel shitty not getting you anything,” he admitted. “It’s been a hard year.”

“Don’t worry about that. Daejung makes everyday feel like Christmas. And watching him for you feels kinda surreal, so thank you. Open your gift.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he wasn’t expecting three photobooks of him and his wife and their history. He thumbed through them quickly. “How did you do this?”

“Jeon Wonwoo, every corner I turned at your house had pictures everywhere. So with Seungkwan’s help we found all of them and tried to make an accurate timeline.”

“That would explain why he asked me about us the other day.” Were you always this considerate too? “And what’s Dae’s?”

“Um, Jeonghan helped me look for a single photo of her. He helped me pick out the frame and everything and while he might never know who she was, I don’t think you’d want him to forget her either.”

“Y/N,” he felt at a loss for words, not sure what an appropriate response was, so he just pulled you in and gave you the tightest hug he had ever given someone. “Thank you,” he sobbed.

You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, but you kept your arms around him until he let you go. His heart still broke for his wife, you knew that, and that no one would ever take her place. But you also did know one day, he could move on and start over. He’d finally start dating (only if he wanted to though) and then he and Dae could be happy together. “Would you guys like to stay a little longer?” you asked quietly. “You don’t look like you’re ready to go home yet.”

“I don’t want to bother you anymore today.”

“You’re not a bother. Tell you what, pick a movie of your choice, I’ll make some popcorn and we can have some wine and then you guys can home once you’ve had dinner.”

“Y/N, we just finished breakfast!”

“Christmas was meant to be spent together.”

“Okay fine, but you’re not taking care of Dae anymore today.”

“I make no promises.”

“Deal.”

So you let Wonwoo flip through all the streaming networks while you made popcorn, poured two glasses of the reddest wine you owned and went back to the living room in hopes he found something. He didn’t choose a Christmas themed movie, but it was a comedy and you both found yourself laughing harder than necessary.

But you also didn’t deny the racing of your heart when he shyly yet somewhat casually entwined his hand his yours.

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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Hi! ✨ i really love your blog and i was wondering if you could do a Pisces sun virgo moon opinion. Thank you so much! I hope you have a lovely day!!!!💕💕

Hey there!! 💕💕💕💕 Aaah I’ll do my best ok!! 💕💕 And thank you for the wishes skdjfnskjn I got home safe and that’s what matters! 💕

[Below Cut: Pisces Sun - Virgo Moon 🌼]

Genius?? I love them??

Nifty and crafty people, when I call them crafty I mean it as Pisces/Virgo find ways to do things in their own particular style-- and it’s often very ‘them’ without them noticing (but other people do)

It’s a good blend of ‘ok these are the rules/system’ and then figuring out how they can work through that, their self-expression usually comes through unexpectedly-- touching/coloring the things that they do with their own colours (‘oh i didn’t expect that’) --making the mundane stand out, even though they didn’t intend it to be

Unintentionally self-expressive?? I don’t think they realize how much people appreciate them for their own uniqueness. In fact Pisces/Virgos are often so unassuming/unaware that they’re ‘different’ because they somewhat tries to be a wall-flower (’just part of the crew’) that getting noticed/being seen makes them somewhat flustered/embarrassed easily

Unpretentiously humble and maybe a lil awkward when they’re flustered, although they like being gently appreciated. Strong/bold proclamations of their authenticity makes this mutable/mutable combination startle easily and skimmer away

Subvert and usually gentle-- but not like, intentionally doing so. Pisces/Virgos are more pragmatic, combining elements of creative/imaginative intuition with ‘ok so lets do this’ -- they’re the type to familiarize themselves with the formula/foundation, and then work their way up through that (systems helps them work better)

Although these people can be focused (and sometimes tunnel vision sometimes) they often get startled by loud noises or people who are just-- bold and loud and demands attention. Unintentionally, it makes their sun/moon kinda nervous/anxious to be around them. Most likely because Pisces/Virgo prefers more co-ordinated, equal and co-operative playing grounds and they don’t know how to deal with these ‘boldness’ immediately

Pisces/Virgo blends gentle understanding (compassion/emotions) with astute-ness, careful fingers/thoughts with precision/accuracy.

They don’t want to be too harsh, because it can often hurt others and therefore-- not get anything done (detrimental to the job, which is part of their concern).

And they don’t want to be too gentle/vague-- because that would compromise the overall productivity and ‘goal’ of the project y know?

These people are practical minded, there’s always an idea of ‘is this going towards the end goal? is it constructive to them/us/everyone? is it going to help each other/them/me?’ whenever they open their mouth about something. This is the Virgo Moon sensibilities, but it’s also combined with a lil bit of the Pisces’s emotional concern: ‘is it hurtful? is this too harsh? am i hurting anyone’s feelings? is that necessary?’

Most of the time, intuitive hunches of ‘nah its not going to hurt them’ take precedence. Mutables Pisces/Virgo tends to take more risks, they often voice their opinion/concerns out and then take the response from the other person as a point to shift/adapt/change their attitude according to how others take it

For example like, if they say something and the other gets upset. They quickly remedy the situation (flexibility/adaptability) because they’re waaay better at ‘resolving conflict’ than second-guessing if they should voice their concerns out in the first place y know?

Virgo Moon doesn’t stand for that, there’s too much ‘what if’ regrets if they never spoke up for what they deducted to be ‘helpful’ to others. If it’s something their opinion/voicing out could’ve prevented (they have foreseen) then Pisces/Virgo isn’t the type to let it fly by without moving/grabbing the chance to bring it up before ‘downfall’ happens

(I think they know but they have...really incredible intuition and astuteness to their perception, so they use this to their advantage. Even if sometimes it’s hard to explain for others to grasp/get because it’s not ALL logical.... Pisces is intuitive and Virgo is practical, so sometimes-- explaining things to other that’s a mixture of both is hard for them to express properly)

You can kinda say it makes them reckless/tackless--- as risk takers, they’re the type to go ‘just say what you wanna say’ to themselves to stop their second-guessing and just ‘go for it’

They believe so much in their ability to ‘resolve’ shit if the situation escalates, that they tend to be careless with speaking their minds with others.

Ah they’re careful with their thinking, but not careful with their words/what they say to others. Pisces/Virgo tends to put self-expression first because they are driven that ‘go for it or you’ll regret it’ attitude sometimes---of not making taking the chance/changes they could make if they don’t ‘grasps’ the opportunity.

Thus why you’ll find these ‘wall-flower’ type of people standing out when they’re standing up for others. When the self-expression and pragmatism-- their ‘i don’t hold myself back’ attitude is aligned to the motive of helping others (social collective/those less fortunate than them -- altruistic Pisces/Virgo)

Their earth moon really holds its ground (and grudge) when it comes to people, things, subjects they care about. They can be stubbornly merciless, grilling someone until they crack because these opposition signs tends to ‘not stop until they get the answer they want’ (which is, y know, your defeat and their victory)

Pisces/Virgo can be a lil bit of a purist, although they don’t ‘judge’ people (keep an open mind or say ‘im trying to be open-minded’ with others--observers) they may often want to sound out the other person’s moral integrity and is critical of other’s ‘honorable’ core or not (kinda test them?? somewhat.)

Watch that you don’t hold yourself up to be martyr because you do judge people based on their ethics, Pisces/Virgo themselves knows they’re not innocent pure beings 24/7 and are still human. Pisces/Virgo has a high standard for people that they themselves doesn’t abide by (and isn’t consistent in doing/being) -- so sometimes, it’s catching yourself when you think someone has flaws that you don’t think yourself as superior to them and start nagging them-- because you often can’t hold your own tongue

Basically--- learn how to get off your high horse even if you don’t think you are. Pisces/Virgo has a habit of victimizing themselves or stubbornly clinging onto their lack of self-awareness (of their behaviour/habit that they do this) and can go ‘i wasn’t doing that!’ when they do, and were doing it (and other people feel bad about it)

You do make people feel inferior because of your attitude/superiority behaviour, even if it wasn’t intended to be like that. Just make sure to check yourself sometimes. And try to care more about people’s emotions than the practicality/end goal of things. Sometimes your ‘ok well we gotta stick to this stuff’ is what gets you in the most hot-water

I hope this is good and helpful!! 💓💓💓💓 Good luck with everything!! 💓💓

#pisces sun #virgo moon #pisces #virgo #pisces-virgo #anon #asks

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themoonisbeautiful · 4 years

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Go-Between

Someone sent me this reading about your sun and moon. I tried it and it is so true? I’m gonna try to himay and react to each sentence just for deeper analysis to myself.

Deep inside you likely feel a lot of doubt no matter how convincing and self-assured you may seem to people.

This was the first sentence, and all I could say was what the fuck. Just the first sentence and it felt like it read my whole self and life. Because this is fucking true. I do have a lot of self-doubt. I just pretend and act sure and confident, but yo. Deep inside I’m this coward doubtful person that no one must have known. Maybe this is one of those “mysterious” side of me as a scorpio, and only those whom I’ve opened up to must know how doubtful of a person I am.

It is next to impossible for you to set goals and define your purpose in life.

Again, this is true. I was only in the second sentence and I can’t agree no more. It’s very accurate especially now that I’m in my 20s and people expect me to have a plan in life. People around me do have plan -- whether older, same age, or younger. I always think about it but it’s so hard to plan and set goals? What more to define my purpose in life. Thinking about it further, my doubtful self, described in the first sentence, might be a factor as to why setting goals and defining my purpose is extra hard than anyone.

You have too much trust in those around you and this can be a weakness if you always want to hear everyone's views. The people close to you like all natives of Moon in Libra, regardless of whether they are friends or family, powerfully influence you.

Oh god. Another fucking true shit. I don’t know if it was because I doubt myself so much that I have more trust in other people, or it’s the other way around. Either way, this is still true. I always want to hear everyone’s side, opinion, their thoughts, because I trust other people more than myself. Hence, it is true that in way those people around me, those I listen to and trust, have so much influence in me because I tend to follow what they say more than myself.

The way others see you is how you tend to evaluate yourself, instead of by the way you really are. Acting according to your own true wants is important for you to learn. Do not worry too much about what other people might think of your behavior.

Oh my god. I can’t say anything but fucking shit yes. This may be synonymous to “I tend to compare myself to others and find validation from others.” I know, this is a really bad habit (and I promise I try not to do this but I really can’t help it) but I always compare myself to others that it makes me doubt myself more. I compare other’s prodcutivty and success and mine. Again, I don’t know who’s affecting who, if is it because I’m naturally doubtuful or was that exatly why I was doubtful. But the following sentences, made me feel assured that I should stop it. I’m always worrying and anxious about what people think of me, and I should stop it. I should just do what I want and be what I want.

Others are drawn to your leisurely and elegant personality and attracted to your charming nature.

In relation to that previous sentence, this sentence feels like telling me that I shouldn’t really worry about what people think of me because being my true self, being whoever I am is my charm? But is it? I’ve heard people tell me something like this. But really? Again, my doubtful self is showing (or is this I’m just afraid to validate or I’m afraid to be called suepr full of myself by admitting). Hopefully I can humbly accept this.

Your combination balances a peaceable and graceful Libra with a hard driving and forceful Scorpio. You know naturally when to use tact and diplomacy and when it is smart to be assertive. Your power to manage others works to your reward in life, even though you are not as assertive as your other Scorpios.

The first sentence made me felt, wow. That was a beautiful sentence. At the same time I somewhat understand it as there’s a battle (yes battle not balance fjslfjsd) of peace and force inside me. The following sentence, I’m not too sure or I haven’t noticed it myelf. Maybe I do know how when it is to be assertive? Do I? I’m not sure because I’ve never really considered myself as assertive. Just forcing myself to be one when it really, really needs to be, maybe yes. Also, managing others? Maybe, but I feel like I still have to learn a lot on this. But the last one, must be the answer why think this way. I’m not as assertive as other Scorpios. That’s true.

Maintain your freedom and concentrate on doing what you believe is best for you.

I think this is similar to one of those sentences previously. I feel like this sentence is telling me, again or maybe emphasizing, to trust myself more. Believe in myself. It would be best for me.

You are a dreamer and a romantic.

This one, maybe a few years back I would super agree. But not, reality hit me hard and I’ve become pessimistic (I’m not sure if this is the right term or another word similar to this). I’m not actually sure if I could still consider mysef as a dreamer when I can’t dream anymore. I don’t even know now how to set goals in my life. But okay. I just searched what dreamer meant and what I found was: “spend a lot of time thinking about and planning for things that they would like to happen but which are improbable or impractical.” On a second thought, I might be really a dreamer. I do spend time thinking about things but those aren’t gonna happen. Maybe I’ve come to realize as I aged that they’re improbable that it has been hard setting goals and defining my purpose. Always stuck in impracticality and when I try to set realistic goals, it’s just too hard.

For the romantic, at first, before I look for the exact definition, I can’t really see myself as one because first, I’ve never been in that romantic position. I can’t imagine how, and I’ve lost hope in finding love (i know im only 20 but wtf. I think I’ll still be really single even at the age of 30... or forever). But as I read the definition, “who often takes an idealized or old fashioned view towards love or who acts in a manner traditionally thought of as courting or wooing a significant other. An example of a romantic is a person who watches a lot of old love stories on TV,” I think it applies to me. When it comes to love I think I’m still old fashioned, an old soul or something that courting or wooing would be really nice? Unlike some people nowadays, if ever, and just if ever I’m not necessarily gonna be single forever, I’d still like to fall in love slowly, yet surely ? Wait it’s really hard to explain at this point since I’ve never experienced and only seen them through my friends’ love life or in k-dramas.

You like to delve deeply into things and you are never happy with surface impressions.

I’m not sure in which perspective should I look at this sentence but, between delving deeply into things vs surface impressions, of course I’d choose delving deeply. I think it’s more honest? It’s more trustful? More feeling of at ease to know what exactly behind things? Bottom line, I also agree on this.

You have a strong belief in people and the knowledge that they have.

I don’t know why this sentence keeps on being rephrased or does the person who made this really want to emphasize on this? Haha. But like what I said. this is true. I do believe in people and the knowledge that they have. It’s actually interesting how people think and what they know? How different are their knowledge from mine? Although most of the time, I feel more doubtful and dumber, but I do see how much potentials and capabilities they have, that’s why I believe in them. It’s just sad that most of the time, people don’t see it themselves. It’s sadder that I don’t see it on myself too.

You are too frequently only concerned with instant gratification even though you have the intelligence, charm, and magnetism to achieve a great deal in life.

Although I usually convinced myself that I’m not like this, but as I contemplate on myself, I am somewhat like this. I want to see results fast as fast as possible. and if I don’t I tend to consider it automatically as a failure, thus doubting myself, thus giving up easily. But maybe, as the following clause states, I should really stop this doubting and stop giving up easily. If I don’t get those “immediate rewards” or results quickly, I should stop thinking that I’m not worthy or I can’t do it because I can still. I just need to be more patient, and more persevering I guess?

Guard against taking less than you are able of accomplishing or becoming complacent.

Okay I think this relates to the sentence above. I’ve been doubting myself so much, and thinking that I’m not worthy or that I can’t do anything much that I’ve been scared to doing more of what I’m capable too. I’ve always underappreciated myself, and always and always think that everything I do is always not good. Hence, in order to avoid this, I always choose not to take risk and go to the safe zone.

Just as a counter-argument, but how can I know if I can’t do it? What if it really is out of my capacity? But I wouldn’t know if I wouldn’t try it right? But what I tried it and I really can’t and others are affected by my performance? So does that mean I should give up easily, again?

Your abilities are well suited to politics, law, and social work.

For this sentence, I want to laugh. I’ve never dreamed of being involved in politics or law, and I don’t think I would ever dream of it. I may eat my words in the future but I really can’t see myself in that field. Maybe once when I tried thinking if I could be the president. I told my parents I would tell all the people to plant trees. Back then, I didn’t know how hard it is and it’s not easy as just commanding people to plant trees. Maybe another time when I was watching legal dramas? I thought it was cool to be a lawyer or judge, defending the weak and such. Also another time whenever I think maybe it would be nice if I could by the first lawyer or something my family (immediate fam). But me to the person who made this: are you really sure??? How?? Which ability? Which aspect? You jsut told me I’m so doubtful. How are my abilities suited for politics and law? Just thinking about learning politics and law makes me doubt and stress myself. It’s too hard. Too complicated. Especially here in my country? Oh god. Maybe social work would do. But I think I’d choose that as a part-time work.

The creativity of the Scorpio enhances Libra Moon and gives you good taste and strong creative interests. You can be disconcerted if a color scheme does not match because you are very sensitive to visual stimulation.

This is actually cool. I’m not sure if this is true to myself though because I consider myself more of a trying hard artistic person, if I look at being creative in this perspective. Again, I consulted the best friend google and it says, “ having or showing an ability to make new things or think of new ideas. : using the ability to make or think of new things : involving the process by which new ideas, stories, etc., are created. “ Maybe I am really? More than people telling myself that I am creative, maybe I really am? I’m in the middle. I’m not sure exactly. It feels like I am creative but at the same time I’m not fully creative. I don’t know it’s still confusing. or am I again underappreciating myself.

For some Scorpio-Librans, zealotry is the result of the quest for truth. Your imagination is very strong and you need to guard against being fooled by charlatans who offer the secrets to the universe.

This part gave me a hard time understanding. I can’t comprehend exactly what it is telling me, such that what’s the connection of imagination with being fooled? I can’t understand this yet, maybe I need to think this over and over, and deeper. But with that phrase “guard against being fooled by charlatans who offer the secrets to the universe,” okay I might agree on that. People say I’m gullible (yes this is me validating my personality from others), and I’ve realized that too and I should be careful of this gullible-ness.

You will hurry whenever you sense injustice or unethical conduct is compromised, because you believe in fair play.

Is this why earlier it stated that my abilities are suited for politics or law? Lol. But in a way I have to agree on this 1/2. When I see that something is not right, or as the phrase states it, when I “sense injustice or unethical conduct is compromised,” not that I will act again, but it will really bother me. Maybe if I’m less doubtful or I’m good at speaking I would “hurry” and act on it, but it will bother me first. I will think about it first, if am I being in the justice side or not. Sometimes, I would also consult others first.

You need to be careful about your tendency to preach and moralize because of your code of ethics.

With this, I have to somewhat disagree. Like what I said earlier I do get bothered so much if I sense injustice or something unethical. But I wouldn’t act on it right away. I wouldn’t really preach or moralize most of the time, maybe if I really have to? Or if someone started debating or talking about that to me? and nowadays I’m also leaning towards doing something like Socratic method, rather than “preaching” and “moralizing,” I think. To some extent it might still be “preaching” and “moralizing” but strictly speaking, I’m not sure if I tend to be like that. To add, my friend also told me she doesn’t see me that way (yes, validating from others again).

Delight and leisure loving are found in the signs of your combination. Basically you are a libertine no matter how high-minded and idealistic you try to be.

This one. It’s so..... huh? I don’t know. Sure, I can see how I love delight and leisure. Super love especially alone times. But the libertine. high-minded. idealistic. Those words look simple but what definition exactly? how exactly? but maybe, and from what I can understand, it means that no matter how I try to pretend to be perfectionist? or having high standards? in reality I’m not? because at the end of it all, if I’m faced with something that delights me or seems to be a leisure, I’d be satisfied with it? Am I making sense? Am I even making the right interpretation? I need to think about this further.

The barriers to your fulfillment are laziness and self-indulgence.

And so the whole paragraph ended with a warning. It true but a little bit ironic. I think it’s true that laziness might be really a barirer to my fullfillment--but I’d rather call it easily discouraged. Sometimes, I think I’m lazy because I’m really lazy. Other times, I think I’m lazy because I’m discouraged and don’t want to do it. And speaking of not doing it, like self-indulgence, if I won’t do it, I won’t do it (unless needed or I’m forced to but I think that would just bring bad results). When I want to do it, then I will do it. And yes, I said it’s a bit ironic because going back to the very top, the first paragraph seemed to be telling me to do what I want and not be afraid of what people think of me, yet here it’s as if telling that at the same time be careful. Or maybe I need to find the right balance? This last sentence, is a warning, but a very hard-thing-to-do warning.

08.03.20

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.

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