#im not even actually sad rn just feeling nostalgic and sappy

[sibyl-of-space]

i am NOT emotionally repressed. i am simply making a 5-year plan to develop a 5-episode heavily metaphorical game as a piece of personal vent art engaging with highly specific topics so i dont have to say the words "im sad </3" in real life. just like EVERYBODY ELSE

[bangkok-dangerous]

big sad ramble time. MAN im at one of those points where the only inkling of a feeling of emotion or sincerity within me can only be evoked by these tacky nostalgic songs 

like simple and clean and other sappy anime stuff. these past few days its like ive almost gone out of my way to burn bridges or at the very least appear like i dont want to be around anyone, and for all i know thats actually true.

i just cant see past this idea that everything everyone (including me) does is motivated by selfishness, be it fun, an ego boost, or their own sense of satisfaction for “helping” out their friend who obviously isnt having fun. i think i got invited to a friends house at near midnight just so they could have enough people to play pictionary. i was only otherwise ignored or treated like a punchline and an incapable idiot with no drive, which in my mind is the least true thing someone could ever assume about me. ive spent about 4 years now teaching myself 3d modelling, animation and drawing, on top of dabbling in programming and youtubing, and it pisses me off so much when these cunts who think theyre my friends just dismiss it because im so uninterested in participating in their shitty game and conversations that they mistake me for being an easy target.

right now i so badly want to feel sincerity and believe that there are people who are inherently positive and willing to help others and just have a fun time, and i want to believe that im capable of that too, but i just cant. even people who behave altruistically and characterise themselves with being kind and caring are just after the good-chemicals boost of being able to tell themselves that theyre a good person.

what really sucks right now is that theres so little i can do about this but wait it out for about a month until uni starts and ill ideally be too busy or overwhelmed to bother thinking about how terrible i and the people around me are. right now i have maybe 2 friends that i actually want to spend time with, while the rest are boring, unmotivated, shitty ‘friends’. There were so many things i wouldve liked to do in the 6 fucking months weve all had off school like go to the beach, watch movies together, do more podcasts and other youtube shit but my 5 or so ‘hangout’ friends are such boring ‘gamer’ dudes that they either dont want to go out or dont find us fun enough as a group to do outdoors stuff with, and I hate that. I want to be around people who are as fun and motivated as i am, but just being around these people is so depressing and draining because all they do is play counterstrike, go to work, sometimes go to a shitty club, and thats it. i just cant muster the energy to organise stuff like this and invite them just for it to either end up boring or for it to fall apart and never happen.

ive tried reaching out to 2 friends about this who i thought would understand and be able to either convince me that good people are real or at least that i can trust them, but it comes up with nothing. they have nothing to say about it other than that my feelings are valid probably. ive always tried so hard to be a good friend, someone who is endless fun and jokes but can always put shit on the shelf to listen and be supportive when needed... and for nothing. the friends ive done so much with, tried so hard to keep together and keep active has just fizzled out into complacency. Im down to the one friend who ive had since year 8. it started with the two of us and now its ending like that too. even then it might just be a matter of time until we finalyl get to know each other well enough that we cant stand each other. ill get too clingy and then come to notice and be annoyed by every single one of his flaws.

its so hard to look back on my childhood and teenhood because i did so fucking little with it, and most of the cool things werent my choice. i didnt have a cool set of childhood friends to run around with on weekend and ride our bikes and play video games together. i didnt have a family that watched movies together or a dad who i could watch while he played SNES games. i didnt even own any of the GOOD ps2 nostalgia games like kingdom hearts, sotc, and any final fantasy. instead of pokemon and FLCL i watched the same 3 episodes of beyblade and whatever shitty french/australian/canadian cartoons the ABC could license.

I barely made any significant/lasting amount of friends in high school. i went in feeling invisible and assumed the guys and girls didnt like me so i acted accordingly... like an angry antisocial cunt. i just rode the current of the same friendship groups melting and molding into other ones over several years, never bothering to make real connections or interests with people outside of my small group. i went out of my way to avoid doing the extracurricular activities that wouldve helped me make friends in my school. joining a band, a club, even just bothering to participate in mandatory sports. i was so miserable and lazy and just like now took comfort in my artistic skill and determination to one day make it all worth it. to be fair i had better friends and we had plenty of fun sleepovers and whatnot, but i still feel like i missed out on so much in those first 4 years of bullshit.

anyway ill edit this if i have more shit i want to complain about but rn i started a preety cool drawing so imma do that peace