#im not good at making ocs but i still wanna Fill the Void

[ivymarquis]

How did Honey come about to exist? She's such a firecracker, I adore her.

CW: Part of this will get Very Real due to me losing a friend IRL but will place it under a cut SO if yall just want the soft/silly answer dont click the read more!

So fun fact! While Honey is the first little reader/oc hybrid (what do we even call these????) Ive released to the public, I have another one that Ive yet to do anything with named Rabbit who’s paired up with Ghost. Im still stuck on the transition from the set up of the story to the transition into the smut, SOS it’s been a year and a half BUT anyway something prompted me to think it would be absolutely fucking hilarious if Soap just fell head over heels for this woman who takes one look at him and immediately brushes him off as being for the streets and assumes it’s just her turn to be the object of his desire, and she wants to protect her feelings so keeps him at arm length :(((( and then when I actually get far enough along to write more stuff for them they’re just obsessed with each other, but she still unabashedly remains a holy fucking terror for everyone else while Soap just watches her with hearts for pupils.

But yeah she is kinda a manifestation of like, who I wanna be professionally (not a nurse but applying to school this fall!); good at her job, takes no shit from anyone and is willing to go to the ground to advocate for her patients, and a self insert on location/physical build. Of course I’ll try to write her as neutrally as possible beyond those stated parameters, but that is how she came to be as a “character”

CWs: Medical neglect, fatphobia and as mentioned, me speaking about the death of one of my friends

I had a very, very dear friend of mine who died due to a doctor brushing off her breathing concerns due to her weight. She was a big girl, but had always been very active; “farm build” so to speak. We bonded over both being horse people, which as anyone knows is labor intensive caring for them. She could put in a day’s work. Not being able to breathe after performing day to day activities was not normal for her

Granted I havent gone to medical school and Im not even a nurse yet, but based on what her mother told me, Im pretty convinced it was nothing but neglect and she only died due to the doctor’s incompetence, lack of interest in looking beyond her weight. She had a pulmonary embolism that killed her. It’s been years and I am still SO fucking angry about it. And nothing will fill the void she left, but getting to write out scenes where doctors get their asses chewed on gives me some sort of catharsis.

I’m still really angry about her death and miss her, and while she’s not the reason I’m tracking towards nursing, I will be extremely mindful in what capacity I can of advocating for my patients and their best interests. It’s a job for us, but it is people’s actual lives on the line so we don’t really get to make mistakes and it’s not a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ whoopsie” when we do.

[emperorcartagia]

thoughts about my oc/canon stuff under the cut.

so. aurellio and refa. aurellio was essentially born as a joke, saying "what if i made a centauri oc lmfao" and also, "what if, as a parallel to londo and adira, refa had his own dancer in a pre-canon timeline back home on centauri prime and they were both boys!" since yknow. refa is such an effective foil to londo i figured it would be a fun, kinda cute idea.

i also think it does narratively fit in well with b5. take londo, who isnt the best example but we see him commit all these horrible acts but we know about his love for adira, before we even see him start to reform or even start to really commit atrocities we know he has a heart. we find this out in the third episode. spectacularly done.

a better example of this would actually be bester, one of my other absolute favorite side villains. bester was never redeemed. bester, however, is given opportunities for the audience to see his heart. irt his family, his expectant lover, and his somewhat emotional reactions to the telepaths dying in season 5, though caused by him. we still hate him, he never gets redeemed, his love for the people in his life does still exist and doesnt excuse or justify his actions. it gives him a lot of depth that i also really enjoyed!

that is kind of what i'm trying to do with refa. aurellio is a late 20 something year old centauri who is majorly unaware of what refa is doing or does or will do in relation to his schemes to rise to power. i also think that in this pre-canon timeline (around 2253-2257) is when refa is doing little things to slowly climb to where we see him in the show. he always had a lot of power being the lord of his house so he didnt need to do much, but i think the ten or so years leading up to his appearance in the show was a slow, hands-off rise to power. so aurellio, who has no real relation to House Refa aside from being a patron, isnt involved or knowledgeable about house refa's politics.

i would get into the "refa is a good family man" headcanon i have but tldr: celes was his last wife because he chose her. he chose her because he genuinely loved her and he chose to have senna. his other wives and his other children operate moreso like londos wives and him did where there was no love and only obligation. so senna and celes get favored. senna cared enough about her father to throw rocks at londos head years later about it, so i think that they did have a good relationship. refa spoiled her, would do anything for her, which was strange for a noble centauri man to be so obsessed with his youngest daughter. maybe he knew she was always destined for greatness. weh. and well, when this baby is like "dad, i wanna be a ballerina" like most 3 year old girls want to be, he says "of course my love, let me find you the best teacher possible": enter aurellio. who he chooses. who senna also chooses.

so yknow. refa gets a boy toy as a treat. aurellio is almost a part of his family as a treat. they kinda sorta love each other, as a treat, and it also works with aurellio's unconventional relationships he has with his lesbian wife bestie and her twin, the actual love of his life. so like yay centauri polyamory.

i just feel like sometimes i have to justify doing what i'm doing with my oc/canon stuff bc 1. it's refa🤢 and 2. ive been in fandoms before that were hostile to me about liking villains And trying to expand on them and make them more than what the show gives us. im VERY satisfied with refa's character in the show. these headcanons arent filling a void that was missing because i dont think they needed to be expanded on in canon, i just like refa/the centauri/my centauri oc and expanding on centauri lore is fun. so 🤷‍♂️

if you wanna read my fic about aurellio and refa, here it is

i will also say i really do appreciate the kind words ive gotten about this because lol i was nervous about it due to previous experiences where stuff about not only my taste for the villains but also my ocs has gotten me harassed, vagued, made fun of to my face, etc. so thank you for being so kind 💫 i'm so happy aurellio is loved because i love him a lot as well.

[knicks-knacks]

holy shite can we get vol'jin's grandma lore???????

AJDKJKHKDJS alright but I just woke up so coherency is 50/50. it was basically on a night I got sauced as hell and was sick of all the WoW characters never having named mothers or always having dead mothers that only get a name retrospectively because blizzard finally remembers women and mothers exist and hey maybe we should give them a name (listen I’ll always be angry about WoW’s sexism lmfao)

her name is Eza, she’s a very very old retired shadow hunter and is the mother of Vilja (Vol’jins mom oc who isn’t as fleshed out as Eza is yet haha)

She’s a very wise, caring, and generous woman, but is very abrasive and kinda intimidating. She was a hella powerful shadow hunter, and still is though she’s retired, and in general is very likely to bop you on the head with whatever she’s currently holding when you’re late or you don’t visit often enough. And though she has wisdom and advice aplenty it’s likely to be shouted at you rather than calmly explained because she’s got no patience, though it’s all from the good of her heart lol

She’s become the pseudo grandma of a lot of the trolls in the village, and even a parental figure to the older trolls in the village - she’s about 150 so she’s seen a lot of these trolls age all the way from childhood into having kids of their own. The majority of the village refers to her as Great Grandma.

Also, a quick aside - I have some headcanons regarding troll tusks. I think that they go through three sets of tusks through their life - childhood tusks, teenage tusks, and then their adult ones come in. Yes this does mean teenage trolls, instead of having the awkward acne puberty phase, instead have their tuskless phase - though it is celebrated by the adults as like the ultimate Coming Of Age Sign. And there are traditions surrounding the tusks, and who they go to once they fall out. The childhood/baby tusks get passed off to the grandparents, one to each of them - because the tusks pretty reliably fall off within hours or days of each other - and its customary for the kid themselves to be the ones to hand it off to the grandparents. Then, the teen years tusks go to the parents themselves. Parents very commonly use these tusks as household decorations or jewelry. 

Then, in the case of there being a death in the family, the tusks would be passed on to other living members. I.E. if the grandparent were to pass on, then the baby tusks passed down to the parent, vice versa. Or, if the tusks fell off and you didn’t have a grandparent to begin with... it’d just go to the person who fit that role the best. You see where I’m going with this lol

Eza’s got a FUCK ton of tusks from pretty much the whole village, both baby and teen ones. Her house and jewelry look like a horror show to any outsiders including Zandalari or other trolls types because the tusk heirlooms are a more Stranglethorn Jungle Troll type tradition, and the Darkspear take it a tiny bit farther than those ones even. Gurubashi also pass their tusks on to their family units but they’re usually kept in boxes and safe, not worn hanging from the ear lol. But, to a Darkspear, walking into Eza’s hut and seeing all the tusks from your tribe lovingly decorated and hung is very comforting because it just screams Home. like this is a woman that is loved and respected by so many and can be trusted with anything because how else does she have the whole tribes baby teeth lmfao.

also side side note, Vol’jin doesn’t have too much time to visit in general so he is a frequent victim of the head bonks with a stick. and also sometimes he gets a TINY bit jealous that his grandma is the whole tribes grandma because it’s competition on who she pampers more and who can give G-Ma the best gifts (because again I think trolls show their love and respect primarily through giving gifts) but he does have the SOLE HONOR of HIS baby tusks being the ones she has around her neck at all times because Vol’jins her only blood related grandkid

also, to the few who don’t just call her Zul’muu (what i hc is the troll word for great grandma) people tend to call her Eza’jin because even though she’s not THE leader she’s def a big influence on the whole tribe and ‘jin is the suffix for leader/chieftain SO

also she is trans ✨

anyways. i’ve gotten off track and this is an incoherent mess bc i woke up, had a hit, and then wrote this so djfhk apologies but THERE SHE IS. GRANDMA TEETH

[vore-scientist]

Cookie Jar (M/f platonic safe/soft sfw vore)

A Tale of the Mystic Woods

Sophia see’s an opportunity to prank her half-giant wizard, by getting him to eat her. Also some Gardening! (sadly no actual cookies or jars feature in this story)

Princess Sophia and Yonah the Wizard are my OCs, they are both adults, and part of my Mystic Woods series. I commissioned art for this chapter! So that’s in there too!

Warnings: While this story is all about safe, soft, willing, silliness there are uhhhh some really strange references/discussion about fa.tal. None occurs. King Ben just is a bit... creepy and uncaring. 

----

“So, what’s the plan for today?”

The Princess Sophia asked as she and her half-giant wizard ate breakfast. Toast with a citrus marmalade and eggs scrambled with spinach, onions, and mushrooms. They always had eggs. Yonah was a really amazing cook, and eggs were his favorite food. Well. Second favorite food. Sophia had to admit, the wizard made the best eggs she’d ever had, and she grew up with royal cooks! Yonah took one more giant mouthful of his own portion of eggs, and a drink of water flavored with a few slices of magic melon, before answering. 

“Not much,” he took another bite. Clearly not in a hurry. “Was thinking we could garden this morning, then I’ve got some translations to complete. Maybe there will be time for a dusk patrol.”

No way. 

Sophia’s forkful of egg was frozen halfway to her mouth. 

There was no way he had forgotten. Right? Someone so smart organized and all. It wasn’t possible Not in her wildest dreams. 

“That’s it? Nothing else?” she risked jogging his memory just to be sure.

Yonah was looking at her funny, so she finished her bite of food to keep a straight face. 

“Nope. That’s it. Unless… Is there something you wanted to do?” He asked. 

She took such a big drink of water she nearly choked. 

“Ah- um.” 

“I could try to put together a lesson, but I didn't plan on one today. Im still waiting on a few potion ingredients, which should be here soon.” 

“The plan sounds good!” She said, her voice squeaking a bit. 

He’d definitely forgotten. And if Sophia was a good friend she would have told him. Thankfully Sophia wasn’t a good friend. She was a great friend. His Best Friend. And as the best friend to an evil giant wizard she got an evil idea. All she had to do was not raise suspicion. 

“Ok…” Yonah didn’t sound convinced. “Would you like me to clear your dishes?”

Sophia nodded and placed them delicately unto his palm, but finishing her water first. Then she zipped off, climbing down the ladder attached to the table, sprinting to the staircase, and leaping down the stairs to the bedroom. By the time Yonah caught up to her she was in her gardening outfit. Waiting for him, on top of his dresser, upon which was her magic wardrobe. 

“What’s the rush princess?” Yonah said with a smile as he took his time changing into a sturdy button up and overalls that matched Sophia’s. “I don’t have any plants that will get up and walk away if we don’t water them.”

He adjusted the shoulder straps on his overalls and held out a hand to Sophia. She scampered across his arm and dropped into his front pocket. 

“Ok then,” he said, smiling as he got out his sandals, gloves, and straw-wizard’s hat. 

“I’m just excited to garden!” Sophia said. 

“Glad to hear it,” he gently pat the pocket over his midsection to jostle the princess, and then with a finger ruffled her hair. Or tried, since it was in it’s pretty-permanently tight braid. He did nearly knock off her tiara but she held it in place. Then she held onto the lip of the pocket as Yonah went up the stairs, and she bounced happily. 

She had to hold on tighter when he leapt from the tower window. That was never not exhilarating  and so frightening she screeched like a banshee as, with an earth-shaking THUD, Yonah landed in the garden. 

“Out you come from there!” Yonah said cheerfully as he plucked Sophia out of the pocket and set her on the edge of a flower bed. 

Then from a side pocket he took out a pouch of power that he dipped a finger into. He dabbed a bit of the powder and recited a spell in giant. With a puff of grey smoke Yonah now stood 7.5ft. About a third his original height. 

There was a lot to do as it turned out. A lot of beds had weeds! Those damn seeds must just manifest out of thin air. The pair spent an entire hour weeding the flower beds. A few weeds happened to be spell ingredients, which Sophia Then wondered why they were considered weeds. 

Regardless she attacked them with extreme ferociousness, getting right to their roots. Which was good because the roots of this particular weed were what they wanted. They were placed in a bag to be dried out over a magical smoke that night. 

They didn’t take a break. Not really. When moving onto the Apple trees and other fruits the pair took random small breaks to sample the ripening bounty, but worked steadily to trim branches and check for sickness and fungus. 

Some fungus was of course wanted! Yonah had recently planted a patch of moaning bamboo that was bred to be vulnerable to infection by void fungus; used to make magical ink to enchant scrolls and book pages. It was a slow growing bamboo but it was finally large enough that if infected would produce a decent amount of magic ink, enough to make the investment in the bamboo worth the money. 

Sophia took a tuning fork and tapped the green-yellow rods. No void fungus to be found. But cuttings of the bamboo were taken. When the current batch caught the bug they would have healthy ones to replace them. Void Fungus was not kind to it’s hosts. Thankfully it wasn’t harmful to animals or people. 

She started to worry that, after all this work, Yonah would insist they have lunch, and she would have to tell him. 

And then she nearly ruined it by cheering when he suggested he get a little translating done before lunch. He was just feeling very motivated for some reason. She didn’t mind waiting a little to eat right?

“Don’t mind at all! In fact, you wanna eat me?” she couldn’t risk waiting any longer or it would be too late. She tried not to look at the clock. 

It wasn’t really a silence, since Yonah continued to gather supplies around the room, until he stopped listening to himself and processed Sophia’s words. Then he stood up, holding a bunch of scrolls, looking at her as if he may have imagined her talking at all.  

“You haven’t had lunch yet, so you must be hungry,” she added. /don’t push it too much he’ll get suspicious!/ “and watching you translate is boring.”

But then she heard his stomach growl and his cheeks grew red. “I- yeah!” he came over to the desk. His face was still a bit flushed but he was smiling as he leaned over, arms folded and he put his head eye level with Sophia. “A pre-lunch snack is exactly what I need!” 

He reached out a hand to poke her, which tickled. “And I couldn’t refuse my favorite snack.”

Without hesitation Sophia got out her vial of glass paste and applied a small dab to her forehead and recited the words. Yonah closed his eyes as there was an explosion of sparkling purple dust. He felt the heavy glass form of the princess sit on his arm. He stood back up, taking the princess with him, keeping her at his face. He opened his mouth in a wide smile that revealed large white fangs glittering with drool and anticipation. She took hold of his bottom teeth, hoisting herself inside. It was a tight fit, which always made her wonder how he managed to eat people larger than herself. And she was petit. 

Air wooshed by her as he took a deep breath and tipped his head back so that she slid to his throat. With perfect timing he swallowed. Once. Twice. Three times. 

The princess’s feet passed over his lips, and he kept swallowing. It hurt considerably. Stretching his throat and putting pressure on his windpipe, but it was worth it. With a strong gulp she was down past his airways and he could breathe again. He could already feel her hands in his stomach, soon joined by the rest of her. Filling him up so nicely, he smiled and sighed. 

“Mr HaEsh?”

It was like his blood turned to ice and then instantly into steam; the pressure threatening to make him explode.  

He remembered. 

Dare he open his eyes? He had to. It was too late now. 

Yonah HaEsh looked down at the magic mirror on his desk. But instead of his reflection framed by the fancy gold filigree, the King of the Mystic Woods looked back at him, arms crossed. It was like the entire damn forest was looking at him. And the forest didn’t exactly have feelings like normal people. 

/Had he seen?/

“Ah- Y-Your Majesty-” 

Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Because at that moment Sophia started laughing hysterically, with her whole body. Normally that would feel GREAT; now it was distracting at best, visible and audible to her father at worst. Her father who spoke over the stuttering giant. 

[art by @pythonpie​ @art_python on twitter]

“We had a meeting today, or did you forget?” The King’s expression. Well it wasn’t neutral but it wasn’t full of vengeful rage, which it surely would have if he had seen his daughter get swallowed whole. It still wasn’t happy. 

“No-I mean yes- I mean no, Your Majesty.”

“Then where, Mr. HaEsh, is my daughter?” The King’s emerald green eyes pulsed and narrowed, his face hardening like petrified wood. 

Yonah resisted putting a hand to his stomach to try and cover up Sophia’s movement, or get her to stop! Her laughter was penetrating his brain! But that would be too obvious. 

“The princess! She!” Yonah realized he had a bit of drool running down his chin, but he dare not wipe it away. “Is asleep.”

“In the afternoon?” asked The King, raising an eyebrow, “Surely she didn’t forget the meeting?”

Yonah gritted his teeth as Sophia screeched inside him. 

He hissed out “No sire, she did not.”

“Speak up Mr. HaEsh,” the King Ordered. 

“Ah- well, I don’t know, she was very tired after working so hard in the garden I thought she deserved a nap,” and he thought he deserved a freaking medal for coming up with that excuse and saying it as convincingly as possible with a princess thrashing in his belly. 

“I don’t appreciate her sleep schedule being dysregulated this way,” said The King, his voice rising enough to make Yonah’s skin crawl. 

It was so eerie, and so absolutely horrifying to see The King get mad in the mirror, while outside the trees rustled with the rhythm of Ben’s words, his breaths, his huffs, and his grunts. Yonah swore the vines around his tower were constricting, causing the stone to crack a bit. Could Ben collapse the tower just like that?

“I didn’t mean-” but once again The King spoke. 

“And,” the king pointed at him. Though it wasn’t exactly precise through the mirror it was clearly at his stoamch very full of struggling human, “Who was that you were eating?”

“Sire?” Yonah didn’t think he could really hide it. 

“Don’t play dumb with me, wizard,” The King spat, “When the mirrors resolved I saw feet disappearing down your massive throat. And they’re still alive by the look of-”

“A thief!” Yonah said a bit too quickly, “It was, is, a thief!”

Now he felt comfortable enough to rub at his stomach, “Tasty too, your majesty,” he smiled a big embarrassed grin, “In the excitement of the chase I forgot it was nearly time for our call.”

The King didn’t look convinced and Yonah felt his heart sink. 

“A thief? In the middle of the day?”

“Yes Sire! That happens, not common but not-” was he gesticulating too much? Was he gesticulating to little? Should he just stop using his hands?

“And that doesn’t sound like screaming, it sounds more like laughter.”

/Oh GODS he could hear it!/ Yonah’s heart lifted but only so it could start racing 

“Nope! Not laughter” Yonah poked his middle and Sophia obliged by screaming a little less happily, “It’s terror! Because I ate them! And I am very scary. Just like you hired me to be!”

“Very well, I suppose you should go wake Sophia,” The King examined his fingernails. Thanks to the mirror enhancing the King’s size, Yonah could see they were painted with black runes. What for? Yonah couldn’t think about that right now. 

“And the thief?”

The king looked up, “Oh right, the thief.” the king eye’d Yonah’s middle like one would a disappointing servant  “Are they not dead yet?” Sophia had stopped laughing so hard, guess Ben couldn’t hear it now. 

“N-No sire,” Yonah poked his middle again and was relieved when Sophia moved sharply and screamed at like she really was in danger. 

“Not in the mood for a free meal today?” Ben asked, completely serious. “Less money out of my pocket. It costs a lot to... feed you.” There was a weird tick in Ben’s right cheek. Like he had been about to mention the fact that Yonah gives adventurers gold when he lets them live, which was most of the time, and that money was technically King Ben’s, even if most of it was deducted from Yonah’s salary. 

“Not with you watching, my liege,” Yonah said, trying to sound like he cared as little for the thieves’ lives as Ben did. 

“It’s not as if I can see whatever horrorshow is going on in there,” he said. 

With Sophia being the one in there, that was the last thing Yonah wanted to think about.  

“Fine, spit them out.” 

Gods those gem-like eyes were so bright yet so hollow. Yonah wouldn’t be surprised if Ben COULD see though mere barriers like flesh, but also was thankful he couldn’t.

Yonah bowed, unable to enjoy Sophia being squished inside him.

“Where are you going?” Ben said as Yonah turned to the stairwell. 

“To- spit out the thief and wake-”

“You cannot do that here? I’ve seen it before”

He had. Once. When interrogating a prisoner of war, Ben supervised Yonah swallowing, threatening, and spitting up fairy. That had been a feat. Fairies were larger than humans. Even thinking about it briefly made his throat sore. 

Yonah’s face turned so red it was like a tomato. If he spat Sophia out that would be it. In the moment he could not fathom what Ben might do to him if Sophia slid out of his mouth. Could he somehow cast a disguise spell on her? No Ben would see the cast. 

Thankfully Ben heaved a huge sigh, “I don’t see why you’re so self-conscious, go ahead.” He waved him off and Yonah disappeared down the trap door. 

---

PERFECT TIMING! 

Sophia couldn’t see what had gone on outside, but as Yonah stiffened, everything around her going tense, the pulse around her accelerating and his quavering voice say “Your majesty,” she knew she had done it. 

While she had wanted to try and hear what her father was saying she could not help but burst into laughter as soon as she imagined the look on Yonah’s face. Probably guilty, smiling, bewilderment. Oh she wished she could see! But if she could have done that, this would be a very different prank. 

It wasn’t hard to guess her father’s words based on Yonah’s responses. 

Deciding to help her poor giant she switched from laughter to just yelling when Yonah poked at her and insisted the sound coming from his middle was terror. That should be pretty convincing, though it was hard to sound scared when riding the high of such a brilliant prank. 

Eventually she calmed down to hear her father. She loved her dad. She really did. But 30 years ruling two kingdoms; 30 years being joined magically to The Mystic Woods, a mind as far from human as one could get, he tended to be a bit heartless. Ben’s body, mind, and spirit were part of a vast ecosystem that had things living and dying in it every day. So why would random adventurers dying, even eaten by one of his employees, be of much concern to him? 

Still, she felt proud of Yonah for managing to get away to “wake her up” and “spit out the thief”. She did not resist when Yonah threw up into his bathroom sink. 

“That was ! A dirty trick!” 

He coughed out a bit more fluid and did not bother to aim away from Sophia. He didn’t speak again until he regained his breath. By then Sophia had washed and dried off, and returned to flesh of her own accord. She sat on the towel and looked at him with big innocent brown eyes. 

Ok not innocent, but definitely not guilty or regretful. He reached out to grab her but she grabbed him back, wrapping her arms around his fingers. He wriggled his fingers and she laughed, not at him, but with him. He did pull her to the edge of the counter and kissed her side. She tried to get away from his scratchy facial hair but failed. 

“How long were you planning that?” he asked, his chin in her lab. 

“Since this morning,” she said, shoving him away.  

He obliged but left one arm on the counter for her to climb across to his shoulder. She lay into his hair. The dark curls so fluffy and soft. 

“Couldn’t believe my luck. Something like our monthly meetings slipping through that big wizard brain of yours!” She scratched his head, making one side of his hair stick up funny. Then she sat down and he put on his hat. 

“Let’s not keep my father-” she paused. 

“The King-” Yonah smiled. 

She laughed “Let’s not keep him waiting.”

Ben had not moved a muscle as far as Yonah could tell, when he sat at his desk and tried to smile without conveying that he had in fact, not eaten a thief, but the king’s daughter. Sophia scrawled down from his shoulder and leapt onto the desk. 

“Hi dad!” she said. 

“Hello Sophia”

And no, it wasn’t really comforting to see kind emotions in the face of The Mystical Majesty, if anything it made him more eerie. He was capable of human feelings, or at least he remembered what they were enough to mimic them. 

It never really bothered Yonah before but. He barely noticed. Oh sure Ben unnerved him greatly. Yet he hadn’t registered just how detached The King was. 

Not until he had figured out that Sophia was already chosen as the next Mystic King. Would she slowly turn into an unfeeling vessel for the forest? Would he lose her? He was to train her, prepare her to be King. Maybe that meant she could avoid this fate. 

Shit Ben was asking him a question! 

Shit Sophia was answering for him!

“-unconscious when they came out. We put washed them off and put them in a box.”

Ben was back to his normal, detached irritation. But there was a flicker of amusement. Still not comforting. 

“You woke her before spitting the thief up?”

He had to nod; Sophia was in charge of the narrative now. 

“Cutting it a bit close weren’t we?”

/why did he care? Ben was just fine with letting this hypothetical thief die while they had a not-so-pleasant chat/

“No sir, fainted from fright. Happens all the time. They were kicking and screaming until-”

“I don’t actually want the details Mr HaEsh.” 

Yonah wasn’t so sure about that. King Ben seemed to have some morbid fascinations. Maybe when one’s mind is so expanded you need some really extreme diversions to peak your interest. 

With so much time wasted the talk was very brief. Ben was actually legitimately pleased with Sophia’s progress. In the last month she’d met with several insular communities in the woods. One in particular was hardly more than a rumor. The fact that she’d made contact was a significant achievement. Not that she knew why, but she was glad to go on about the new spell she’d learned, none the wiser about her growing connection to The Woods. 

Still, Yonah didn’t breathe easy until Ben’s face faded from the mirror. 

Sophia sighed and turned to look up at him. 

“Im going to get you back for this,” he said, “especially since you were this close” he held his thumb and pointer finger about an inch apart, “To Ben seeing you eaten. He saw you feet.”

“Ah!” She finally looked guilty, “Well- I couldn’t resist”

No. She wouldn’t be Sophia if she’d done anything else. He even suspected that his mirror had delayed establishing the link and made a mental note to be kinder to it. 

“-if you want to eat me again.”

Yonah scooped her up, cradling her in his arms. “You’ve certainly earned the honor of being my dessert tonight,” he cooed. “And I’d better get some belly rubs. But that doesn’t count as payback.”

“You’re going to eat me now too?”

He chuckled and shook his head, “No. We should have actual lunch; like we normally do after talking with your father-”

“The King!” she declared, standing up unsteady and pulling herself onto his shoulder. 

He laughed so hard she almost fell back into his arms.  

And they went downstairs. 

[FIN] if you liked PLEASE REBLOG!

REBLOGS HELP SPREAD MY WORK! I also love knowing that people read my stories! My askbox and DMs are OPEN!!! let me know!!! 

[Thanks for reading! please reblog! Or message me telling me what you think! I crave feedback! For more mystic woods go to vore-scientist.tumblr.com/tagged/mystic+woods+story or search ‘mystic woods story’

[six-of-woes]

Okay wait I just wanna make a list of some opinions/facts I have bc im bored

Maxwell is one of if not my favorite LI ever and I’m not even physically attracted to him

Open Heart is a neutral book for me

Blades is my favorite book I even got the map phone case lmao

I enjoyed The Freshman Series, as cheesy as it got

I haven’t played/finished BB, TC&TF, MW, MOTY, D&D, ES, or ACOR

ACOR looks kinda boring to me

There shouldn’t be any genderlocked books, plus there should be an option to be enby or say that you are a trans MC

I actually enjoyed Across the Void, and it was the book that got me into the fandom(that fucking ending, however)

STD isn’t as bad as everyone thinks, MC isn’t as bad, but Justin is as bad as everyone says

I ship zukka

That last fact has nothing to do with Choices

I wish there were more books like Most Wanted, because even though I haven’t finished, I still appreciate the vibes

I totally forgot that Oliver from Distant Shores existed mainly because one of my OCs is named Oliver, and looks pretty similar to DS Oliver

Blades of Light and Shadow is absolutely one of the best books, even if I’m not fully invested in the LIs(luv u Mal, but I am a Clown so I do be kinda loyal to da potato sack)

High School Story is one of my favorite series ever, even if it’s nothing like high school

I generally dislike going for the “main” love interest cuz that’s what everyone else does and I have a complex

Despite being a TRR stan in the past I’m not playing TRH 3 not even for Maxwell(and especially not for our daughter bc I don’t like children)

The last good book to air was DS but even then it left me underwhelmed

I finished ES book 1 a long time ago but there’s so many diamond choices in the whole series that I kinda wanna save up for it(plus I’m always bad at the puzzles and the characters make me feel bad when I get them wrong :( it’s not fun)

I am filled with RAGE whenever I see the white OH MC

PB👏needs👏better👏non👏diamond👏hairstyles

I feel like PB has succumbed to modern capitalism in the way that their profit has become more important than the people their profiting off of

VIP is way to ducking expensive

I always get mad when I’m diamond shamed for not adopting pets

I diamond mines all of BSC

I want more adventure books as apposed to like...whatever the fuck is going on now

I love coming of age books(regular books too lol), but MTFL just ain’t it

[sweetly-cider]

Drunken Strings part 1 ((Canon RP between me and @juliets-oc-isle ))

Things at the bar had been slow -- and not by the customers' doing.

"Ale! You can't sit back here and sulk all day!" Applin scowled as he nudged the limp mug with his foot. "We've got work to do! Not to mention today was your shift."

"... jus' go away," the older brother grumbled, taking a swig from yet another bottle in his hand.

"No. Not if you're gonna drink away all of our merchandise," Appy scolded, reaching down to snatch away the bottle before travelling to the other end of the bar. Fortunately, by now the night was nearing its end, so the number of patrons had grown slim. Groaning, Ale simply rolled to face the other direction, avoiding responsibilities.

Max walked towards the bar with a small burlap sack of coins. He rubbed his neck tiredly and rolled his shoulders back to ease the ache from them. Things were so different now. Before he won his contract, he would notice Quil in the background, keeping an eye on him as he worked. It annoyed him then, but now, he missed seeing her hidden poorly in the shade of a tree or bush. He never saw her, and it was such a void to him that it distracted him tremendously. He hardly earned enough for what he spent at the bar now. Most of what he had were allowances from his trust.

He sighed as he pushed the doors to the bar, stepping in. When he looked up as he pulled his pipe out of his mouth, he was confused when he saw Applin instead of Ale.

"Applin? Hey, I thought your shift ended a while ago," he muttered, taking a seat at one of the stools by the bar.

"Well, it was supposed to," the tired cider said, jerking a thumb behind the counter. "I can't figure out what happened to 'im. He won't say anything, other than to tell me to leave him alone. I know he went to visit Swirl for whatever reason, but he only came back after a few minutes. I think something might have happened, but again he won't say a word about it. He's been too drunk all night."

“He went to see Pinky, ey?” He mumbled. He stood up on the foot rest of the stool and leaned over the bar until he could see Ale. “Howz about sharin with yer buddy, Ale. Better than drinkin’ alone, a’ight?”

The distressed mug looked up until the ale was spilling from him, then slowly pulled himself up. He didn't say anything, simply reaching behind him for another random bottle before pulling out a couple of glasses.

"... yeah, I went to see 'er," he said quietly, his voice hollow and hoarse as he poured the alcohol into their cups. "Prob'ly.... prob'ly the last time..."

Max raised a brow. “Ya told Pinky, didn’t ya?” He asked in a low voice. He reached over for a shot. “What’d she say to ya?” He asked in a low voice as he lifted the shot to his lips.

Ale was silent at first, holding the bottle in the air over the full shot glass.

"She... She said I don't care for anyone 'cept myself," he said slowly, setting the bottle on the counter. "Then... she pushed me out and... And said she needed time..."

The normally cocky mug simply took a shaky breath before pressing a hand to his face.

"She said all 'a the red flags. Needs time, should'a seen it comin', she hasn't been comin' to work, either. What am I gonna do? The one thing I didn't wanna fuck up I screwed up royally."

“She said she needs time?” He mumbled before drinking down the shot. He raised a brow at the taste, glancing at Ale. “Yer really down, ain’t ya?”

He sighed then rubbed his forehead. “At least she didn’t say that she hated ya, er never wanted ta see ya again.” He tilted the empty shot glass towards him. “Ya still have a chance to get yer girl back. Unlike me.”

"... I dunno. Didn't sound like a good chance," Ale muttered, glancing at the bottle before pulling a face. He set it back down onto the counter behind him before picking something a little better, downing his shot to fill it with the new alcohol. At this point, he didn't care about mixing.

"I've gotta figure out some way 'ta make it up to her, but... I dunno if there even is anything. Maybe she's right, and I oughta give 'er space..."

Max watched Ale carefully. He definitely wasn’t being himself, especially grabbing any kind of alcohol off the shelf too. “Do you know anything about relationships, Ale?” He asked. He set the shot glass down close to Ale, hoping for more. “I mean, a gal tellin’ ya that she needs more time, it doesn’t mean everything’s over.”

Around the time Max started speaking, another person walked in. He quietly stood in the corner, his red and white striped blazer standingnout like a sore thumb and his blond curles tucked neatly under his straw toyo hat. A black bow tie around the neck of his button up shirt, he leaned on his cherrywood cane as he sat and watched, his green eyes focusing on Max.

“Just because she ain’t wanting ta talk ta ya right now doesn’t mean ya should just go off and be careless. More than anything ya need to be dedicated to her now still. Give her her space, but don’t let another gal into ya bed.”

He kept on talking, not even knowing there was someone new in the bar.

"Well, yeah, I'm not about 'ta commit suicide," Ale said, waving the bottle through the air in front of him. He wasn't even trying to pay attention to the rest of the customers, assuming his brother would be taking care of it. Not that he was checking. "It wouldn't even be worth it! The only time I did was just... awful! Wasn't even worth the money, what I could remember!" Again, he rubbed his face with a sigh. "I dunno... I'm just... not gonna go anywhere for a while. Play it safe as possible." He punctuated his words by knocking back another shot.

“Good at least ya ain’t-- Hey man, don’t be hogging all it.” Max reached over for the bottle of alcohol.

“Look, I get it, you want to keep yourself from doin’ anything stupid. But locking. Yerself up izn’t gonna help.” Max said, grabbing the bottle and pointing it at him. “Especially if all you do is drink from te bottle. No one wants to swap spit with ya when they come’ere Ale. Why don't ya--”

“That didn’t seem to bother you much when you worked for me, Lavanda.”

Max froze at the sound of his voice, immediately turning to look at the guy who smirked at him from the entryway. “Joel?”

Ale blinked as his friend turned away.

"Who the hell is this guy," he muttered, his eyes following the stolen bottle, then tried to sneak another from behind him. "Look, pal, we're busy here! Ya want a drink, go 'ta the other end 'a the bar. And I ain't sharin' spit 'cause I ain't sharin!"

Joel laughed at Ale, as though he were telling an aweful joke. “Oh but I have business with him. He made an agreement with me long ago, and I am here to collect up on it now.”

Max rolled his eyes and slouched against the bar. “Yeah yeah, Joel, I know what you want. Can ya come by later? My friend and I, were goin’ threw a hard time....” Max mumbled sourly. “And no funny business either, it’s weird, awkward as fuck.”

Joel rested his elbows against the bar and planted his chin in his palms. “Awwwww, don’t like my shenanigans, hijole? Up until you found out you didn’t seem to mind it.”

Max groaned. “Yeah, think of it as you will, I have always and will always think of you as a parent. That's it!!” he poured some of the alcohol into a shot glass before setting the bottle down. “Quil was my focus then, and she is the reason I’m wanting to do nothing but drink until I’m numb, so if you don’t mind.” He raised the shot glass on the emphasis of ‘drink’ before tossing it down quickly. “You can lecture me all you want, but I ain’t gonna listen anymore Joel.”

Ale looked back and forth between the two, then let a confused scowl pull at his cheeks.

"Is someone gonna explain who the hell this guy is? Or do I just need 'ta kick 'im out! This Joel dude is freakin' me out!"

Max sighed. “Ale, this is Joel, he-....’they’ are the ones who took me and Quil in when we first arrived to the islands. They’re my old boss, and I owe ‘em money for the help we got.” He shrugged. “Which isn’t a problem now, since I won my bet with....’him’.”

As Max spoke, Joel stared at Ale with a studious expression. He was the same mug from that night before, but he was such a mess. Something must have happened bad. Ignoring Max, Joel smirked at Ale. “What’s the matter boy, did ya lose all a your luck already?”

"... What?"

The comment made the mug's frown deepen. Why did that sound familiar? And why did this guy act like he knew him?

"Look, pal, I got no idea who you are, and if you got anything 'ta do with the devil or his damn bets, you'd better get outta here before I kick ya out!"

When Ale raised his voice, they could see Applin farther down the bar suddenly freeze. His head whipped around as a shock of fear went through him. They didn't look like the devil's workers he'd seen before, but who could know?

Ale didn't even seem to notice. Instead, his mug was beginning to boil in an almost drunken anger. Was this creep making fun of him?

"You better butt out 'a business that ain't none 'a yours," he growled through clenched teeth.

Max widened his eyes as the mood in the bar escalated suddenly. “Ale, Bro, chill, Joel isn’t a collector.” He quickly turned towards Joel. “Joel, what the hell are you talkin about?!”

Joel chuckled lightly, obviously humored by Ales reaction. He wasn’t the first, and he probably wouldn’t be the last to act in such a way. “Hijo, I know this boy. Clumsy drunken fool had a winning streak at the casino, la casa de mi padre . He paid me for a bit of....entertainment.”

For a moment, Ale looked even more confused, his face twisting as he thought hard. His brain was still fuzzy with sadness and alcohol, but a few fuzzy memories began to faintly fade through. That's when his face went slack.

"Wait... what... what the hell? I dunno who you are, or how the hell you know about that, but you better fuck off, buddy!"

The bartender surged over the counter for a brief moment. If he'd been within reach, Ale would have most certainly have grabbed "Joel" by the scruff of his shirt, but his aim and perception were just a bit off.

"I lost everything because 'a that damn night a year ago. I might not remember who it was, but it definitely wasn't some sleezy dude!"

Joel chuckled in a low voice as Max groaned in embarrassment.  “Ale....you don’t understand, Joel, he’s....they’re....” He covered his head with his arms as he pressed his forehead against the table, his voice muffled from his arms. “Dios mío, ¿cómo digo esto?”

Max went silent as he tried to think of an easier way to explain, but before he could explain anything, Joel leaned forward and gripped onto Ale’s wrists, transparent strings winding themselves around his wrists then attaching them to the counter. “Cálmate, lucky charm, getting angry with me isn’t something you want to do.” He sneered. “Not unless you want me to tie you up again. Though, I promise, this time if I have to, I won’t let you loose.”

He pulled his hands away, the transparent strings literally pulling from his fingers like a spool of clear thread. He leaned close to Ale, his voice dying down to a whisper only he could hear. “I’m not always a man, boy. So believe me when I say that it was me you were with that night.”

Max had never seen Ale so scared before. His mug began bubbling even faster until the foam was spilling over the edge. Slowly, his eyes slid over until they met those shining green eyes. Green eyes that immediately shot through his memories like a bullet. He remembered those.

Ale opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He was too shocked even to struggle against the strings, his eyes still glued to the form in disbelief. This was the thing that made him lose Swirl? Were they coming back to haunt him? Was he going to lose even more now?!

He looked over to Max in a silent, confused plea. What was going on?

Max had been watching the whole thing, but he knew he couldn’t stop Joel. He sighed and looked at Ale in disappointment. “Joel, he’s, they’re genderfluid Ale. Meaning Joel can feel like a guy today, but feel like a girl tomorrow. Thing is, Joel has the ability to ‘switch bodies’. He’s-They’re....”

“If I’d have known Lil Maxie was gonna lead me to ya, I’d have dressed the part. My ebony body, brown curls, blue dress...you loved it last time you were drunk.” Joel pitched in. He reached over and grabbed the bottle of alcohol and winced. “This is what you guys are drinking?”

Max rolled his eyes. “I’m not in the mood for a lecture, Joel.”

“Aww, I just wanna know if there were any actual tasteful drinks here.” Joel playfully teased.

Ale was barely listening. The look of fear slowly began to morph into annoyance, then an anger that made his blood boil. This... thing was one of the reasons his life was falling apart, and now they're going to insult his bar? Though he couldn't detach himself from the counter, his fists began to clench against the wood.

"... Get out," he snarled through clenched teeth. "All of you-- get out!"

The shout made the bar suddenly grow silent, the gentle murmur coming to a standstill. Applin had to apologize to the patrons he was working with before sliding towards their end of the bar.

"Ale, what are you doing," he hissed, looking up at the others with a nervous, apologetic smile. "Ah, sorry, guys, he's not exactly in the best--"

"GET OUT!"

Applin flinched back as Ale tried to jerk out of the strings to no avail. Instead, his arms collided with the counter again with a loud thunk.

"Everyone-- go home. Get out, get out!"

Joel smirked and snickered at Ale’s behavior where as Max quickly reached over and tried to quiet Ale, turning to Joel with a scowl. “¡Joel, Cállate!” Max hissed at him. As much as he didn’t want Ale to try and fight with his parental friend, he also needed to explain a lot to Joel. “Let ‘em go!”

Joel rolled his eyes again. “I let him go, he’s going to make an even bigger ruckus. I’m not going to leave just because he’s in denial.” He shrugged and unattached the strings from the bar, leaving them wrapped around his wrists. “If you want me to let your friend go, let’s see what he will do then, shall we?”

Slowly, the barkeep lifted his arms, simply looking at his freed hands. Then, suddenly, he lunged towards the marionette. If it wasn't for Applin and Max barely holding him back, he would have been wringing the creep's wooden neck.

"Lemme go! Lemme go-- get out!" At this point, the bar was empty save for them. No one wanted to be around the agitated bartender, or whoever was the object of his anger. "Lemme go so I can wring 'is damn neck then throw 'im out!!"

Max grunted against the struggle of holding him back. “Even if you did Ale, they’d still come back! You’ve sparked a game with ‘em! Just stop it and get a hold of yourself!” He snapped. Without thinking, he added, “what’d swirl think of ya if she were to walk’n ‘ere? You’d lose ‘er for sure!!”

“¿Quién es Swirl, hijo?” Joel hummed, leaning against the bar. “¿Encontró el amuleto de la suerte un amante después de todo?”

Max grumbled a few profanities under his breath before looking over at Joel. “No, he had one until you pulled your strings to get him to cheat on her.” He snapped. “Now, he’s got nothing because of you that night.”

Joel widened his eyes. “Wait, what?!” He stuttered. “I did no such thing!!”

As they talked, the two could feel Ale slowly stop struggling. Then, he began to shake as he became a dead weight in their arms. The poor, drunken fool had turned into a sobbing mess.

"She'd hate me 'cause it was all my fault," he blubbered, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "She already hates me. I'm just... I just..."

"Max, what is he talkin' about," Applin whispered across his broken brother. "Did something happen between him and Swirl?"

Max looked over at Applin in disappointment. “Selling your soul wasn’t the only mistake he’s made the nights I’m not there to stop him at the casino,” he muttered quietly to him. “It’s mainly why she’s not been here for a while.

Joel crossed his arms across his chest as he looked at Ale then Max. “So, you’re saying that he was with someone? Even before that night?”

"Not that night--" Ale let out a loud sniff. "A-another n-night. And n-now..."

He started right back up again, prompting Applin to roll his eyes and slowly lower him to the counter.

"... Yes, he's been going steady with one of the A'LaMode girls for a long time," he said, dusting his hands on his apron while his brother blubbered away. Now that all the customers had left, he really had no choice but to be involved. Not that he was happy about it, of course. "It's probably the longest I've ever seen him stay with someone... ah, ever, really. He's always been the kind of idiot that just sleeps around then either dumps them or gets dumped right away. This is the first one that's been... different."

"I'll say he's an idiot alright," Joel sneered angrily. His green eyes flared, his hands curling into fists before he crossed his arms across his chest. "He has some nerve, lying to girls like that. If I'd have known he was with someone that night, I'd have smacked his drunkass face so hard it'd crack."

"Joel!! Not helping!!" Max snapped at him. To which Joel's fiery glare turned towards him.

"Max, you really think I'm gonna be happy about this myself?! That I'm just gonna walk away as though it were nothing?!" Joel snapped. "When I am dressed the part, I am a worker girl, not a homewrecker. Now, because of this cabrón, I'm going to be seen as a worker girl who steals other girl's men. That does not fly well with me!"

There was a moment of silence, save for the snivveling mug still slumped across the counter. Applin looked between the three of them for a moment, then finally let out a tired sigh. Looks like he was back to cleaning up his brother's messes. Who was he to think that was finally over, right?

"Look... my brother does a lot of dumb stuff. No one's going to say it was your fault. You were paid, I think, and it was his mistake. Not yours. There's no one else to blame but this stupid mug, same as always. Max, you don't have to defend him for being selfish. He's finally getting what's been coming to him for a very long time."

The glare the barkeep shot the older brother was almost cold as he collected some of the empty glasses around them.

"You guys just got caught up in another round of dumb decisions, and I'm not gonna let him push the blame off on someone else like he always does. It's about time he finally paid up his debts."

Max glanced at Joel with a disapproving glare. “Applin, I’m not defending ‘em because of the wrong he’s done. I’m tryin’ ta keep Joel from getting any ideas. He’s the one ya should be worried about, because of what they are. Take it from someone who found out after the fact.”

Joel on the other hand was still frowning at Ale, his arms wrapped against his chest. “I never pinned him as a crybaby over losing someone. Relationships are so fickle, it’s why I don’t see the point in them.” Joel shrugged then stretched his arms above his head. “Anywho, don’t know what you’re talking about, Maxy Waxy. Debts and deals with me are far better than the ones my father ropes others into. At least with me there are no strings or hoops to jump through after terms are met. Mainly why I went to do business with Lucky charm that night. My father wasn’t too thrilled that he was on a winning streak. That kind of luck draws him in.”

"Your... father?" Applin took a step back "Your father? Your father is the devil?!" A flash of fear flickered through his eyes as he quickly glanced between Joel and Max. However, there was nowhere for him to go, other than to stay and hope he could last the conversation.

"How in the world is that even possible? You're... You're a wooden doll!"

Joel laughed at Applin’s response, humored even. “Goodness it’s been a while since anyone was afraid of me.” He chuckled. Max scowled at him, shaking his head and silently telling him dont do it. Unfortunately, this only encouraged Joel more.

“Yes, I’m a wooden doll, Today.” He said casually. “If it were something I wanted, I could be a scarecrow tomorrow, a tin man the next, anything I wanted to be I can be.”

He leaned forward and grinned at Applin, his green eyes glowing brightly. “If I really wanted to, I could even steal your brothers body as my own. Anything with a soul is technically game for me to take over, or possess as some call it. How do you think I can be a beautiful worker girl one day and a showman the next?”

((To be continued!))

[tentacledillydoo]

Another small vent about art, myself, my goals, future and life stuff. i just dont wanna post it on my IG spam

My art keeps bothering me and I constantly feel like im 2 steps behind everyone else,, I used to be on top of the world 2 years ago or even like last year, improving and getting more dynamic, trying new things out but. I constantly feel stuck . My art isnt bad but its loke. Its constantly lacking something and I know what its lacking, i know what I need to do to improve but i just never do it. I havent had that motivation in so long now.

Two years ago when I made Bee i had the goal of creating something i could be proud of; a story, a good story, with a character that would be lovable and memorable, something that evoked feelings... I wanted to do that with my art and with the story. Now I do that with Frankie and the mafia ocs, not to the extent i want but I know I'm able to clearly portray his character and intense emotions in a way that actually evokes those feelings.

I'm just not where I want to be. I always feel like I could do better, like I want to do bigger things. I want to create something big, something good that people will like... My art is not where i would want it to be at /all/. I cant find a proper style I'm truly 100% content with and Im just. For the past few months Ive just been sitting on my ass with barely any motivation or will to do anything.

Figuring myself out has kinda gone hand in hand with my artistic stuff, and in general terms realising I not trans helped me a lot. In general terms, that took a big weight off my shoulders; I no longer feel that sort of dread and sorrow, the anguish that comes from not passing, or the stress of worrying about things like surgeries or T. All that. Im happy as myself and I dont have to restrict myself. It was supposed to reflect in my art, i wanted it to be a new start for me, I wanted to be better from that point,, idk. Just like i stopped restricting myself in my everyday life, i wanted to stop holding back in my art.

Im very tired of these BPD episodes, the mood swings. But sometimes I feel like i should be thankful because theyre basicslly the only thing that gives me the energy to draw. The periods of time where I feel so down or empty or just awful and then the sudden bouts of so much energy and being on top of thr world that last a few days at most. And then just nothing. Just; numb, bored, uninterested, unbothered.

I linked my past experience with identity with the whole thing in BPD about . Not having a sense of who you are. And its true. I feel more comfortable now, but Im still... I dont know who Im supposed to be or what Im supposed to be. I wanted to be an animator; i wanted to go to University, i had goald and aspirations I was so sure of, I knew what I wanted. But look at me now. I havent turned in my college work, I've given up. I dont even find the same joy in drawing. I havent applied to University because I dont even know if I wanna do animation anymore. Hell I dont even know if I wanna go to University anymore. Any time someone talks about it it just irks me. I dont know what i want to be anymore. Im 18, i should.. know, what I want to do, where I wanna go from here. Yet I have absolutely no clue. I dont understand myself.

Every time I try something new I feel its just to fill the void. To see if theres anything that will give me some sort of indication of what i can do or who i can be. Volleyball, the piano, knitting, sewing, painting, writing, photography, cooking, making things. I fixate on things for a short while and then get so bored.

Is it bad to say I feel jealous sometimes? Maybe even upset? Everyone has a goal. My girlfriend has goals and shit. And it makes me feel so.. off, that I have no clue what im doing. I dont like feeling like I might just be a burden. I dont even know if I should be here in the first place. I dont understand why I cant be like my dad; he has so many hobbies and things hes good at and he puts them into use in his everyday life.

Im just so irritable I dont even know how to deal with it anymore tbh. I get so annoyed at anything or anyone, and I just snap so quickly and then feel guilty about it. I cant even draw something wrong without breaking down and angry crying about it.

I dont take any risks with drawing because I know the moment I do something wrong I will get incredibly upset about it and cry. And maybe thats why Im stuck. Idk. I want it to end so I can do something. I really want to make somethinf important and meaningful. I dont know.

Anyway. Im gonna go have lunch and then I gotta take my meds.