#im not immune to big shy men

[syds-house]

would u believe ive had 5 ficitional men fixations since you last saw me & now ive gone full circle and found another 6'10 (allegedly) socially adversed fictional man to be my muse. but yea im back

unmasked könig hc & hc dump under the cut

and now for more hc:

born in austria, raised in germany?

raised by granparents. ik im not the 1st to say it but i gotta get that outta the way

was a mild-mannered, chubby kid. learnt early on his size couldnt afford him to be loud, reckless or hostile. so he grew meek & soft

age 10-12 was when said bullying started. mostly cruel jokes & a petty rumour, maybe a shove every now & then but rarely escalated beyond that. his peers always claim to never mean ill will. though they sneered at his sensitivity or say he derserved it somehow

so könig grew resentful. he initially took the high road & told himself "it says more about them than it does me" but it later festered into a vicious superiority complex. not that hed show it, its classier that way

but he let his anger best him 1 day & he let loose. things happened and more things happened following the incident. idk i havent solidified my hc könig lore yet

age 17, he volunteered in the military. came at the cost of a heated argument w/ his grandparents but he knew what he wanted

he wanted to be a recon sniper bc he liked the power it gave him. the fear of being taken out any second by an unseen enemy, fufilled his power fantasy & gave him the solitude he wanted. to be known as powerful but not perceived. but we know how that ended up

the job he ended up w/ wasnt all that bad. not ideal but it has its perks, like a close up of terror on his enemies faces. & its not like he wasnt used to a chaotic environment alrdy

könig wants the attention & admiration without being perceived. even if itll come at the cost of being feared. he knows hes proud but he cant drop it bc if he isnt great then hes just an anxious, bumbling & WEAK

he hates his anxiety. he brutes forces through it as hard as he brute forces his opponents. he shouldnt feel this way & he attacks it w/ every rational thought consistently. but it never works

im pretty sure he himself started the rumour of "whats under the hood is even scarier" lol

[humdinky]

i love pixar's turning red. it is such a good representation of girls at that age. they don't shy away from depicting the awkward and weird parts. it is so rare to see a movie depict girls and their silly interests without condemning or judging them. they just let the girls be girly, noisy, and silly.

fuck the hate this movie got on its release. i could go on for hours about society's uniquely shitty attitude towards teenage girls and their interests. there are countless examples. remember the feverish hate for twilight, a series aimed exclusively at young women? what about the hunger games? teenage girls were the first ones to fall in love with elvis and the beatles, and critics treated them like a joke. that is, until adult men started liking them. funny how that works. justin bieber fans, one direction fans, vsco girls, girly girls, tomboys, emo girls, indie girls, bookworms. you will see every single type of girl being made fun of for every conceivable interest a human being can have.

at a certain age you feel forced to make an arbitrary choice. lean into your feminine side and continue to get mocked for 'being shallow', 'only caring about your looks', 'being annoying' etc. or lean into your masculine side and get called a pick-me or told that you just want to get with their guy friends. you like things that are popular? you’re basic. you like things that aren’t as popular? you’re trying too hard. it is the entire reason why so many girls internalize this misogyny, why they start saying things like "im not like other girls."

i certainly wasn't immune to that trap. i didn’t fit the mold and got ostracized for it. the only validation i received for the longest time was from boys, when i turned my anger back on girls and girlhood. i was sold that narrative so many times that i wore it like some sort of badge of honor. it took years to unlearn. i feel sad when i look back on my younger self. i was so sad, so angry, and so scared all the time.

we get insulted for being happy. we get insulted for being sad. we get insulted for being mad that we were insulted for being sad. we get insulted for trying to forget what happened and act happy again. we get insulted for feeling hopeless. they beat the confidence out of you very early.

and it angers me how the emotions of teenagers as a whole are so often neglected. when you're around that age and grappling with big emotions, you've quite literally never felt anything that strongly before. a failed test, a best friend's betrayal, being cut from a sports team. it all feels like a rejection of your entire person, your entire being. you haven't lived that many years yet, and it's the first time you've felt this horrible. you don't have anything to compare it to, and it feels like nobody else could have ever survived feeling this bad before.

it's not petty teenage drama. it's not immaturity. it is a normal human reaction to the worst pain you've experienced, and it is happening at a time when your body is going haywire and your feelings feel impossible to control. you don't know how to cope with it, you can't possibly know, because it's the first time you've had this bottomless well of pain tearing you up inside. you can't look back at previous times you've felt this way to reassure yourself that it will be okay eventually. the first time is the worst and hardest and you have no resources to get through it yet.

a lot of adults scoff at and dismiss the feelings of teenagers. "you're young, you'll get over it"' they've decided that because you haven't dealt with this feeling before that you must be overreacting. sometimes you are, and sometimes you're reacting exactly how any adult would. it's an absolutely shitty thing to express to anyone. a teenage girl's pain is not any less real than a 50 year old's pain. so what if it will get better? it doesn't matter that it isn't going to be the worst thing that ever happens; it matters that right now it very much is the worst thing that's happened.

yes, teenagers overreact over a lot of things that aren't as important as they feel. as if adults, who don't even have the excuse of inexperience with deep emotions, don't? no one should ever dismiss someone else's pain regardless of their age or circumstances.

​im turning 20 in a few months. find the small joys of life, and don’t you dare let anyone take them away from you. if there is a teenage girl reading this, i love you, i am sorry, and it does get better.