#im not talking about me trying to go to a psychologist i already discarded that

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[asking-jude]

Hi so a while ago I asked about some info on BPD, Mary Doberneck answered me. So I did mention I wanted to talk to my psychologist about it, but the issue is i have been avoiding my psychologist. I have been looking back over the past years and I notice a clear pattern of depressed periods, sometimes lasting a couple days sometimes a couple months. Figuring out where the "highs" would be is a little harder, but I do often just take on way more things at the same time than others... part 1

(ask continued) …I would for example sport 10-30 hours a week while also working and doing 2 theater performances and also working on another project as a volunteer. In these periods my days are filled to the brim with things to do, no one can keep me in the house for more than 1 hour unless I’m sleeping. But now I’m in a dark spot. I don’t leave my house, I talk to my boyfriend but avoid my friends and family. I don’t want to pick up the phone or go to the supermarket we live next door to. My boyfriends asks me if im just being lazy but I’m not. It’s just as if every sell on the inside of me protests to leaving the house. I hardly even go on social media these days, this is the first time in over a week! I missed 2 appointments already with my psychologist. I wish I could just email her and tell her I’m not doing so well and I can’t bring myself to go, since she emailed and texted me she’s worried but I can’t even bring myself to do that! There is a very clear trend that every time i get really good, really high, doing like 5 projects at the same time at some point I just drop everything (or every project just ends) and right after that I start going downhill, although i can co downhill while not having a “high” before. Is this similar enough to bpd to seriously start considering that is what I have? Or am I understanding it wrong and is this something else? In between I have had normal moments too. Periods where I wouldn’t have the energy to take on that many projects, let alone sport 30 hours a week yet I can do all my normal responsibilities just fine.I go to my job, I pick up the phone nothing odd going on there. Although they seem more rare now than ever before. As another question, what are some tips on getting myself to at least contact my psychologist? It seems simple but I haven’t been able to do it. All I get down in the mail is “hello” before just discarding it. 

Hi there, I do hope that at the time of reading this, you will be feeling a bit lighter. I am not a professional psychologist, but I do believe that what you are describing is very close to BPD. Your periods of working 30 hour weeks and having the energy to conduct all that you do sounds manic when you then fall into a period of wanting to do nothing and having no energy followed by depression. If you haven’t been diagnosed with BPD yet, I do think you should make it a priority to speak to your psychologist about it before the feelings you have worsen.

In terms of avoiding your psychologist, you should try to make it to a point not to do so. Your psychologist is there to serve a specific purpose- to help you balance yourself and understand what you are feeling in order to properly treat you. Avoiding your psychologist is the equivelent of avoiding a solution-whether intentional or not. I can understand, however, that while dealing with depression and juggling everything else on your plate, you may not have the physical or mental energy to have an hour session with your psychologist talking about the very things that have drained you. But in the longrun, it would be more beneficial not to miss anymore of your appointments.

I think you avoid your family for the same reason you may avoid your psychologist- they know you inside and out (I assume) and it may be overwhelming to have to either act as though everything is okay around them, or have them question you about how you are doing today as opposed to last week-when that may not have changed. Living with your boyfriend makes it different for him. He sees your symptoms, but may not fully understand. Either way, you should try not to avoid so much, these are people who care about you nonetheless and you don’t want too much worry to be created- it could feed the symptoms you are living with rather than starve them. And it may be a good idea with regards to avoiding your therapist, to use your friends, family and boyfriend to make sure you don’t miss your appointments- or at least keep your therapist abreast of what is going on. If you are struggling to send a cancellation email, ask your boyfriend to do it for you, and explain the full context of what you are feeling. Both he and your therapist should understand. And if need be, have him communicate with your family as well if you can’t. It will diminish the amount of worry that may be circulating amongst them. With that suggestion may come, some tough love or gentle encouragement that you need to continue your treatment consistently. And if that happens, I urge you to try your hardest to go to your appointments. Getting a formal diagnosis of BPD or anything else your symptoms may resemble may give you a peace of mind having pinpointed exactly what it is you are living with. I do wish you the best in your next steps and hope you find peace and resolve.

Best wishes,Ieisha Ford

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