#im now in therapy and taking measures to better my physical and mental health

[orcelito]

Listening to this album, sipping a vanilla bean monster, working on cleaning after getting home from my optometrist appointment

I got sunlight and fresh air, a new rewards system for my daily cleaning, and Determination to make my life better

[idkmybffpotter]

HP Fic Rec List

Yooooooooo. Ive finally gotten started on making a fic rec list (Im so bad at remembering to save the fics I love).

Here is the start of it! Warning: Most of these fics are epic length, 250k+words. Enjoy!!!

Ps. Please feel free to DM me to talk about any of these! Id love to hear your thoughts!

DRARRY

***Life Cycle Series by WIndseeker2305. https://archiveofourown.org/series/21657

1,402,781 words. #Creatures #Soulmates  #Mpreg, #Abandoned in 3rd book

After a summer of torture with the Dursleys, Harry falls into a self induced magical coma. Draco-who holds a hidden torch for him-jumps in to help. There they meet and decide many things that could very well change the Wizarding World forever.

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Literally my fav story ive ever read everrrr.

***Turn by Saras_Girl https://archiveofourown.org/works/879852/chapters/1692695

306,708 words #Alternate Reality

 ***Leo Inter Serpentes by Aeternum https://archiveofourown.org/series/53590

746,048 words #Complete Series Rewrite #Slytherin Harry

Just one conversation between two eleven year old boys goes slightly differently, and the world changes. Just how much will be different with Harry being sorted into Slytherin, and how much will stay the same?

 ***Saving Connor Series by Lightning on The Wave https://www.fanfiction.net/u/895946/Lightning-on-the-Wave

3,069,375 words

Harry's twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won't let Harry stay in the shadows...

 ***Survival is a Talent by ShanaStoryteller https://archiveofourown.org/works/12006417/chapters/27167826

338,714+words #WIP #soulmates #POC

In the middle of their second year, Draco and Harry discover they're soulmates and do their best to keep it a secret from everyone. Their best isn't perfect.

 ***Freedom To Be by Quicksilvermaid https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052705/chapters/37477826

169, 550words #COMPLETE #BDSM

Harry Potter is the Boy Who Lived.12 years after the war, he's become the Boy Who Lived For Everyone Else. He has the perfect wife. The perfect house. The perfect job. The perfect friends.Only nothing feels perfect.Until one day he stumbles across a club called Release and begins a journey of self-discovery that takes him to a very different place.

 ***Brother to Basilisks by Lomonaaeren https://archiveofourown.org/works/2435531/chapters/5393471

595,688+ words AU of PoA. Harry wakes in the night to a voice calling him from somewhere in the castle—and when he follows it, everything changes

 ***Reparations by Saras_Girl https://archiveofourown.org/works/879599/chapters/1692075

87,376 words #Healer Harry

Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.

 ***Secrets by Vorabiza https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184311/chapters/18751001

395,365 words Beginning with Draco's unexpected arrival at the Dursleys, Harry's summer after sixth year becomes filled with activity and many secrets. As his summer progresses, Harry generates several unexpected allies as he finds himself actively becoming the leader of the Light side.

 ***Being a Veelas Mate by Chereche https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524595/chapters/17103607

399,867words Draco comes into his veela nature early when his mate's life is in danger. Will their unique bond be enough to finally bring peace to the wizarding world?

 ***All Life is Your to Miss by Saras_Girl https://archiveofourown.org/works/825875/chapters/1568057

114,741words #Professor Harry

Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.

  ***Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 https://archiveofourown.org/works/473335/chapters/819506

302,209 words Draco asks Harry to help him beat the Imperius curse during 4th year. The lessons turn into more than either expected. A story of redemption and forgiveness

 HINNY

***A Second Chance by Breanie https://archiveofourown.org/works/16237082/chapters/37957664

1,714,567 words #WIP

What if Sirius didn't spent twelve years in prison, but was given a trial after four years? Follow the story of Sirius Black as he learns what it means to be a father/brother/guardian to his young godson & the story of Harry Potter, a young boy with a loving home who learns about the Marauders from the two men who should have raised him. M for later. Eventual Hinny.

 JEDDY

***Couldn’t Get Better They Say by JadePresley https://archiveofourown.org/works/14119629/chapters/32535660

78,611 words #NoMagic #TextingFic

A boy texts the wrong number late one night. Another boy replies. Chaos ensues. Or, The one where James is too caught up in his career to be the person he wants to be, Teddy drinks too much to avoid his past, Albus wears terrible hats, Lily is a badass, and Gavin is the star of the show.

 ***Chances by TheProdigyPenguin https://archiveofourown.org/works/21166652/chapters/50379941

78,761words #COMPLETE

Teddy has lived in France with his grandmother for his entire life, living unaware of his past or the significance of his parent's lives, cut short at the end of the war. He lives blissfully ignorant of the life he was meant to have in England, until his grandmother dies shortly after his twenty-seventh birthday, and the discovery of letters written by an estranged godfather he never knew he had leads him back to his families home, searching for answers but in the end finding more than he'd ever expected or hoped.

 SCORBUS

***Its Tea Time by Ellizablue https://archiveofourown.org/series/538465

872,002+ #WIP #Trilogy

 SEVERITUS

***Blood by Lord of Chaos https://archiveofourown.org/works/3089927/chapters/6696266

466,835words Harry's sent reeling when he learns that Professor Snape is his bio dad, and if that were all he had to deal with, he'd probably be all right, but he's got werewolves, escaped convicts, a stubborn Dark Lord, and his own inner demons to deal with. Starts third year. Rating mostly for violence. Story deals with mental health, bigotry and child abuse. 

 ***Digging for bones by paganaidd https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

203,178 words

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the Ministry sends Harry back to the Dursleys. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he's not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one.

 ***Broken Mind Series by SensiblyTainted https://archiveofourown.org/works/8873683/chapters/20344381

864,245 words #Mental Health Issues #Multiple Personaity Disorder #Abuse

Harry Potter watched his mother die when he was fifteen months old, a piece of Voldemort's soul invaded his own, Vernon abused him, Petunia tore him to shreds with her hateful words, and Lockhart molested him throughout Second-year. After all that trauma, is it any wonder Harry created multiple personalities to deal with it all? In Harry's third year, Severus Snape decides to do something about it. He gives Harry therapy in secret, and this opens Harry up to a friendship with Neville Longbottom, another victim of Lockhart's perversions, and Draco Malfoy who can understand Harry's Slytherin alter better than anyone else.

 ***A Year Like None Other by aspeninthesunlight https://archiveofourown.org/works/742072/chapters/1382061

789,589 words

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Durleys have to say, it can't be anything good, so Harry's determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he'd never have walked on his own.

 SNARRY

***Gift of Kindness by Hippocrates460 https://archiveofourown.org/works/14656377/chapters/33859731

105,872words #COMPLETE #soulmates #courting rituals

When Harry arrives at Hogwarts, everything is overwhelming. Luckily he makes some friends, Hagrid who took him to Diagon Alley, Ron who he met on the train, and Severus, who explains why they have to pretend to hate each other. This story spans 7 years, during which Severus and Harry get to know each other and find understanding.

 TOMARRY

***Descent into Darkness by Athey https://www.wattpad.com/story/179650625-harry-potter-and-the-descent-into-darkness

https://www.wattpad.com/684682449-harry-potter-and-the-breeding-darkness-prologue

It's Harry's 4th year at Hogwarts and his name has just come out of the Goblet of Fire. Everyone has abandoned him and he feels utterly alone. Through an accident Harry and the piece of Voldemort's soul that resides inside him begin to interact and Harry slowly begins to change. He becomes stronger and more aware, and slowly grows aware of a more sinister course of events that has perpetuated his entire life.

 WOLFSTAR

***Sweater weather by lumosinlove

74,493words+ #WIP #NoMagicAU Remus works for the Gryffindor Lions as a physical trainer, and has been half in love with Sirius Black, the Lions' heartthrob captain, for a while now, but he never expected Sirius to return the feelings. Read if you like cute nicknames, slow burn, and pining. Yep. That's it.

***Soltnse by lumosinlove https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186087/chapters/40408559

61,997 words #COMPLETE #NoMagicAU Sirius, a young Russian billionaire hires Remus, who is working part time as a call boy to make ends meet. Things happen, feelings occur

.

***Text Talk by merlywhirls https://archiveofourown.org/works/1651109/chapters/3501239

141,250 words #NoMagicAU

Sirius is in boarding school, Remus is in hospital, and they don't know each other until Sirius texts the wrong number.

 ***Casting Moonshadows by moonsign https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3378356/1/Casting-Moonshadows

393,500 words #WIP #ANGST

Lonely and outcast by his classmates, Remus wishes on a moonshadow for a friend who understands him. To his amazement his wish is not only answered once, but three times by his former enemies, the Marauders.

 ***Of Leaves and Stars by irrationalmoony, lady amina https://archiveofourown.org/works/6535114/chapters/14950924

266,476words #Texting Fic #WIP

Almost a year out of Hogwarts, Lily finally manages to convince Sirius and James to get more acquainted with muggle technology and buy phones. Sirius, of course, texts the wrong number.

  RANDOM PAIRINGS

Harry/Sirius/Remus:

 ***To See The Human Soul Take Wing by Maeglin Yedi 227,394 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007970/chapters/1999281

#Werewolf Harry #Friendly Vampires This is actually the 3rd

book in the series, but it can be read as a standalone.

Harry's final year at Hogwarts is filled with secrets, old enemies and new threats. Unable to share his current life with his friends, Harry has to put his faith in the unlikeliest of allies to find a way to defeat Voldemort while his love for Sirius and Remus is repeatedly put to the test.

   Hermione/Sirius

***Debt of Time by Shayalonnie

https://archiveofourown.org/series/760443

715,940 words #COMPLETE #Time Travel

When Hermione finds a way to bring Sirius back from the veil, her actions change the rest of the war. Little does she know her spell restoring him to life provokes magic she doesn't understand and sets her on a path that ends with a Time-Turner.

  Severus Snape/OMC

*** Of A Linear Circle by flamethrower

https://archiveofourown.org/series/755028

1,428,885words #WIP #Long Series #Time Travel

In September of 1971, Severus Snape finds a forgotten portrait of the Slytherin family in a dark corner of the Slytherin Common Room. At the time, he has no idea that talking portrait will affect the rest of his life.

  Harry/Theo/Charlie/OMCs

***There Be Dragons Harry by Scioneeris

https://archiveofourown.org/works/485605/chapters/845701

919,721words #WIP #Creature Inheritance

Harem!Fic Harry inherits a creature "thing" from both sides of his parents and somehow that leads to weird sleeping habits, conversations with Theodore Nott and finding himself caught up in a world of Dragons, elemental powers and new creatures he's never heard of before. Dragons? Mates? Very AU. Contains all kinds of slash.

  Scorpius/Rose 

 ***Ignite by Slide (JustSlide)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470272/chapters/14810293

191,497 words

A mysterious illness leaving a handful of uninfected. A school in quarantine, isolated from the outside world. Danger on all sides, striking seemingly at random. And, at the heart of it all, Scorpius Malfoy, the only man to believe this is a part of a wider, dangerous plot

  ***Raindrops on Roses by backinyourbox

https://archiveofourown.org/works/373224/chapters/608435

301,383 words

Beginning immediately after the Epilogue, this story follows Scorpius, Rose and Albus through their Hogwarts years and beyond. Childish fears and desires soon turn to more serious dilemmas as some members of the Ravenclaw trio are forced to grow up too soon. Albus wants to be remembered for being something other than Harry Potter's son. Scorpius knows his father expects him to follow in his footsteps, but how long can he keep his friends, his music and his OWL in Muggle Studies a secret? And Rose has yet to decide what she wants...

  Harry Potter/George Weasley Looking Beyond by Shini_amaryllis

https://archiveofourown.org/works/3178778/chapters/6905645

674,719 #COMPLETE #FEM!Harry

The first thing everyone noticed about Hope Potter was that she may have had her mother's face, but she had her father's penchant for causing trouble or somehow finding it. It only made sense that she would fall for a prankster, and it only made sense that danger was attracted to her very scent. Somehow, she was going to prove she was more than just the Girl-Who-Lived

  Harry Potter/Avengers Crossover

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1369690/chapters/2902480

324570 #Loki is Harrys Dad #Just Read it I promise its great

In the several millennia he had existed Loki Odinson, Norse God of Mischief and Lies, had been many things, he had been a liar, a warrior, and a trickster, just to name a few, but never before, in his thousands of years of existence had he been a loving father, but all it took was a single glance at the perfect little creature before him and he knew, he was gone.

[android-for-life]

"The big story behind a little Blue Dot"

Editor’s note: May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Learn more about Google's mental health resources and tools. 

A few years ago, Jenny Fandrianto noticed a sticker on a colleague’s laptop that read “ask me about Blue Dot.” So, she did. 

She learned Blue Dot is a network of Googlers who simply listen to those who reach out to them. It's not therapy, and they don't tell anyone how to fix their problems. They just want to make it OK to talk about mental health. “Having that first conversation was really inspiring and energizing,” Jenny says. “I got to connect with someone and say ‘this is something that’s important to me, too.’” 

Blue Dot’s mission to destigmatize conversations like the one Jenny had began in 2016, when it was founded by Rachael Bleakley and Jack Kaden (a Googler and a former Googler, respectively). Rachael had recently seen a news segment about a barber with a poster in his shop that read “Feeling down? Chat to us!” “He said it nearly always started some great conversations about mental health with everyone who sat in his chair.” She pitched the concept and within days, was on a call with a global group of Googlers putting a plan in motion. 

Why a blue dot? “Blue Dot was for practicality reasons...it's easy to buy blue dot stickers for cheap and anywhere in the world locally, so it made sense to pick something all the local office leads could stock up on themselves if we give them the budget.”

While growth wasn’t Blue Dot’s priority, it quickly took off. “We knew there would be appetite for this but it was so hard to measure in the beginning; the last thing we wanted to be doing was asking Googlers to tell us when they had a 'chat' thanks to Blue Dot!” she says. “We also had to be careful we weren't putting Googlers in potentially difficult situations if they got into a chat that was slightly out of their depth; the expectation is only to listen and not to offer specific advice.” 

Peter Corcoran took the reins at Blue Dot as it matured from its purely grassroots beginnings into an official employee resource group. “I was in the British Army for 10 years, and it was actually one of the reasons I got involved in Blue Dot, having suffered trauma in my military career,” Peter says. Becoming a Googler-led mental health resource sponsored by People Ops, he explains, was ultimately the right move. “It gave us access to better resources, better guidance. It created a much better ecosystem.”  Maja Bilić stepped in around the same time to help Blue Dot’s transition. She helped with infrastructure—things like building the website and creating the listener sign-up system. 

“Blue Dot’s mission will be accomplished if every Googler knows about their mental health resources, and if people articulate their mental health needs,” Peter says. “The aim isn’t the success of Blue Dot. It’s the success of the mission.”

Prior to the time Maja stepped in, Blue Dot was far more grassroots. “Before that we just had an idea. We had stickers,” she says.

A tipping point in this evolution came during a global Google town hall last year, where Blue Dot was mentioned as a resource for Googlers. “I was like, ‘we’ve reached critical mass!’” Peter remembers. “It was kind of like, ‘oh, we’re grown up!’”

Amy Costello, Blue Dot’s acting global lead, discovered Blue Dot in 2018 after working at Google for about six months. “I was looking for a 20 percent project and lo and behold, I learned about this program called Blue Dot.” Amy, who lost her father to suicide as a teenager, describes her work with Blue Dot as “something that really hits close to home. If this is an area I can give back in, how wonderfully fulfilling.” 

Today, Blue Dot has nearly 2,000 allies in its network, but for privacy reasons, doesn’t collect data on sessions. Participants go through a self-guided training module on effective listening and what to do if someone needs additional support. "Listening is about devoting your full attention to another human being. It's a time to ignore the IMs, text messages and emails and provide someone with your undivided attention," Amy shares.

"When you’re talking to somebody, sometimes you’re thinking ‘well what am I going to say next?’ But your job is literally to not say anything. You’re only supposed to listen to this person and acknowledge what this person is saying.”

Jenny has benefited from Listener training even outside of Blue Dot. “While I’m on a video call, I don’t have email open, I’m not chatting with other people on Hangouts. In in-person meetings, my laptop is down, and if there are notes I need to take, I take them on paper. My attention is here, with you, right now, because you matter, and the time we spend together is valuable.” 

“Honestly, when we introduced trainings, people were a little like ‘ugh, really?’” Maja laughs. But participants ended up loving it, herself included. “You learn how to actively listen, and active listening is such an important skill.” 

Recently, Blue Dot pivoted from in-person listening sessions, moving to online only. In March, Blue Dot Sunnyvale began hosting virtual get-togethers. “But then we realized...it’s virtual! It doesn’t have to be just our campus,” Jenny says. “We shared this idea globally with the entire Blue Dot community and now we have this office hours program being replicated in all these different regions. It’s become much bigger than what we originally imagined.” 

The new online office hours may also be more welcoming for some. Googlers can select an appointment time with a Listener from any region that works for them, a system Jenny believes lowers the barrier for anyone who’s hesitant to reach out. “Just click and sign up and we’re here. I think it’s just a little bit more accessible to people who need it,” she says. 

Jenny has noticed Blue Dot Listeners are taking on more and more time slots. “I’m seeing people who are making themselves available for office hours all times of the day. We have people signing up for even the holidays,” she says. “They’re thinking ‘you know, there might be people who need someone to talk to on a holiday, so I’m going to make myself available in case somebody needs it.”

Support systems are always a steadying force, but perhaps more so when it feels as if the entire world is on shaky ground. “I feel like on a day-to-day basis, my life is very happy, but at the same time, we don’t have the same releases right now. We don’t have the same kinds of mental breaks,” Amy agrees. “I find myself being over-tired, which is something I’ve heard from my colleagues as well. Having the Blue Dot community available for that outreach, for that friendly face, for people to know you are going to be really open to talking about things like this is so meaningful to the Google community.”

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Despite the challenges of sheltering in place, both Amy and Jenny notice it’s also inspiring frank conversations about mental health. “During every team meeting now, we start with five minutes of ‘How are you doing? What’s new? Is there anything I can do to help?” Jenny says. “We’re talking about our personal lives a bit more now. It’s funny because I feel like we’re closer as a team even though we’re all virtual. It’s because we’re genuinely concerned for each other outside of work.” 

Though Blue Dot has grown, the subtle ways it creates conversations about mental health remain. That little dot disintegrates some of the pressure; “ask me about Blue Dot,” for many, is easier to respond to than “ask me about mental health.” 

Today, in lieu of laptop stickers we can’t physically see, Listeners include a blue dot in their email signatures. “So many people have asked ‘hey, I see you have this blue circle in your email signature—what’s that about?’” 

The group is hopeful that someday, we won’t need a dot or anything else to openly talk about therapy appointments or depression. “We have no problem going to the doctor for a physical, we have no problem going to the dentist to get our teeth cleaned,” Amy says. “Why should we have a problem talking about our mental health, or saying, ‘hey, I’m going to the therapist today’? One of the really special things about Google is that those things are OK to say, and I feel like groups like Blue Dot help normalize it.” 

Blue Dot has helped Jenny feel comfortable being an advocate for mental health, and talking about her own. “I’m much more open about a lot of other things I don’t think people talk about. No one really comfortably talks about the struggles of being a woman in tech, or has revealing conversations around fertility challenges like IVF or miscarriages.” As she’s become more forthcoming, she’s felt groups forming—supportive pocket communities that invite, even welcome, these kinds of conversations. 

“People are OK being vulnerable, they feel safer,” she says. “And that’s brought a lot of us so much closer.” 

Source : The Official Google Blog via Source information

[thekintsukuroikid]

November 12th 2017 4:11am

Tofino is never worrying about  running out of battery life, or the gas tank. Or atm service charges.

It’s is an odd place. Living on the mainland you get hit with the same cold and rain and you learn pretty early on how to shelter yourself in the rat race, to keep busy until the clouds roll through. Tofino is this weird anomalous places where people travel here for the express reason of running headlong into the rainy cold. Duh, the waves are better for surfing and storm watching. It’s weird being this close to the ocean. You’re surrounded by it here, you can hear it from the dead middle of town. It’s dark, cold and can swallow you up, and yet here we are grabbing neon coloured boards and wearing goofy rubber suits and paddling away from shore. Standing up, riding it.  There’s a metaphor there somewhere I think. A really lame one.  Suffice to say Tofino is the setting where I’ve always been most comfortable with entertaining feelings of optimism, they linger in my mind a little bit longer here,  there aren’t a lot of things here that can take them away. And yet standing here alone on this beach I still wonder what it would be like to walk into the water and let the water I love so much fill up my lungs. To finally feel the tension unclench and release. 

-

A girl bought me a drink and told me how happy she was that everything about this place wasn’t like home.

I agreed.

this trip was really about  running away.

The band getting to create beautiful music for people to enjoy on a Saturday night, Thats pretty amazing right?

I remember how hard learning 3 chords was and thinking how weird it must be to be able to do so much more but the peak of your musical ambition is playing for my drunk ass.

—

I met a girl at the merch table. She was kind and she was pretty and in our conversation about the logistics of fitting a surfboard on a motorcycle I noticed her biting her lip…and looking at mine…and exhibiting every  universal sign I could think of to express a “shut the fuck up and let’s make out already” sentiment–

“All I could do was wonder how much she’d have to know about me, to hate me as much as I do.”

This isn’t me. I’m so tired of this

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical major depression.

atleast I think thats what its called, I kinda zoned out when I hear it.

I’ve known that somethings been wrong forever but I’ve never had it named by someone else before. I’ve never been in a position where I could go out and really do that. I’ve been getting help for months but this  weekend was the first time  I’ve been able to process it all. 2 doctor’s a therapist and a councillor.  4 different opinions.  The same mdi-10 depression index score. How it works is, 20 is dysthemia or mild depression and 25+ is no bueno moderate depression. 30+ is major depression. I figured I’d be around 18-19 with my shiny psych degree and my practicing of mindfullness and understanding of CBT and readings of Dr. Marsha Linehan and Brené Brown.–-

I got a fucking 38.

Of all the fucking tests to ace I sure know how to pick em lol.

Talk therapy’s helped narrowed it down, where In reality I’ve likely been dealing with this for over a decade. I could have and likely should have gotten help when I was in early highschool/late middle school. The fact that I’ve never been on medication pretty deeply concerns my therapist. I still don’t know if I want the pills, I stare at the prescription sometimes and wonder what the sweet fuck I’m going to do. It’s hard to plan things in a pros and con’s type of scenario with brain altering chemicals, like its not like theres a frame of reference or anything.  I’ve always been  getting by with habits and discipline. Reading ahead, doing homework early in case I sleep through my classes again. Never letting anyone get close enough to be in a position to judge you.  Never be vulnerable. You’re not cool enough to have baggage.

It’s not like I’m like this all of the time. I have good days, mostly when I’m around other people, even strangers. It’s when I’m by myself for too long that it starts to creep into my mind, a little voice getting progressively louder and more persuasive. I Have fun by remembering what it’s supposed to feel like and selling it to everyone who can see me. This isn’t the stereotypical 3am negative thoughts, I mean those happen too but its more like 3pm, in the middle of my group of friends laughing, just getting hit with this whole body feeling of dread and trying to crack a joke anyway.  I then follow this with sullen, silent car rides home or 45 minutes sitting on the shower floor wondering if I’ll always feel this numb?

That’s the worst part…the numbness of it all. Losing hours in the day to this thing that I can’t even really describe. I never get mad or sad or happy just attenuated, dulled versions of these emotions.  I’m scared of heights, like really fucking scared of heights but I learned to rock climb because fear hits me in such a meaningless way now. This is such a weirdly strong biological component.  I feel like I can never move forward to create myself because I’m always looking back, trying to get back to how I used to feel. That’s the one thing I know is missing, that sense of self that guides my decision making. I’ve never been able to go with my gut, the kind of spontaneity and passion and creativity that comes with that,  Instead Its always minimize the damage, lower the risk. I feel inadequate in every measurable and measurable way, to the point of it being physically crippling. 

I’ve been really fucking good at hiding this. Its the thing I’m honestly the most proud of, which is a bit counterintuitive.  It’s allowed me to flip something that feels so intrinsically selfish and allowed me to keep focus on the people that are important to me. It’s allowed me to learn some really important lessons about friendships and relationships, coping and empathy, all without the vulnerability of facing those things head on. Depression to me, at least  the way that i’m doing it (which I know is the wrong way to think about it)  is this selfishness I don’t want to indulge.  

There is massive guilt with this. I have so much. I have taken so much time, love, energy, money from the people in my life and I feel like I am and I have so little to show for it. That I am a highlight in every  worst way, of the differences between what is good and what is just nice. but the thing is  I’m starting to realize that this thing, this depression thing it couldn’t give less of a shit about how you rationalize it, its taken better people than me, I’ve seen it first hand.  

For me this thing hits two-fold. Its the physicality of these symptoms I can no longer ignore or fight through.  Messed up eating schedules, sleeping too much or too little,  missing classes, being late to events or appointments and just constantly feeling zoned out, in a daze.

On the mental side of it, its been management. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time and my diminishing ability for me to manage these mental health symptoms means that I feel increasingly less equipped to take on this complete feeling of stagnation. This shit takes work. It’s like im trying to carry a weight with broken arms and no cast. It’s a  feeling that even if I had an opportunity, job or otherwise,  I lack the tools and the self belief to actually be and do what I want. It is such a weird sensation to feel the slide from wondering how to make it by 30…to wondering about making it to 30. 

 I Try to work hard to be grateful and find the joy in things. I spend my days trying to bridge the gap between the humility of recognizing this reality, with the ego of thinking I deserve better.  I mean maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe some people just spiral. I hope that isn’t me, I don’t want to see how far this rabbit hole goes, I don’t want to become what its trying to make me become, I think thats why I work so hard to keep being extraverted.  I try to be around my friends, especially if I know  that they have it a lot worse or are facing a difficulty. Being empathetic to what they’re dealing with makes you feel like a bit of a daft jerk for dwelling your own bullshit. That used to keep things quiet long enough. Then again you don’t win a fight by closing your eyes.

—

I went to the bar in Tofino where I bought my first legal drink and I  thought about all the drinks I’ve had since then. I got hit with this really intense feeling of dread. Not that I had wasted all that time in those  5 years, Worse still,  That I’ve never truly had the ability to truly appreciate all the amazing things that have happened since then.

Even if I couldn’t feel it I wanted to do the logical work towards getting out of this. I learned really early on  to  focus not on building a resume but on building a eulogy. To live a life well lived. To do things not for the spoils but for the man I’d become in the pursuit.

In the 5 year since I’ve been back to Tofino, I’ve hated that man.  I still hate him. I am so much of what I told myself I’d never be: alone, weak, and of little consequence.  I’ve tried everything to fix that man and I still can’t explain where that process went wrong.  I’ve tried to surround myself with people who I love. But never letting them get close enough love me because of a combination of never feeling like I deserved it and never wanting to be burned or betrayed for being vulnerable.  

I don’t know if I can really get better I don’t really know what better is. But trying has to be better than this. Thats the funniest bit about this, I don’t even think I can really imagine what better would be like, what the absence of all this would feel like.

I just know that there is more than this…that maybe I can be more than this.

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin, 

I  want to make all of  this mean something. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I just know that  I could set myself on fire to keep others warm. If I couldn’t feel wanted, or that I deserved to be wanted I could at least make people comfortable.  I never knew there was a difference between  happiness and the distraction from sadness. I would just connect to benevolence. I’d try volunteering, donating time and money partly because I enjoy those things, but deep down in a small way it was also an attempt to try reconciling the diminishing potential I felt.  If I kept doing the right things, things would turn around, that I could out work this thing I was fighting. It was all just heading to nowhere,  I realized I could get hit by a car tomorrow and nobody would know this truth about me, the uphill clawing. I think now  I want to turn this pain into something tangible for myself and others.If this is rock bottom I want to look around,  I want to carve my name in the rock beneath my feet and remember what this feels like. I never want to know it first hand again.  Maybe this is that first step. Who the hell can see forever but maybe I can just win tomorrow.

— This is the most I’ve ever written about myself and it’s a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever wanted to. Hell it’s the most I’ve ever thought of myself and part of me  feels like this sounds really self obsessed. But I think, at least I hope, it’s just a self awareness that comes from no longer seeing the contrasts in life.

If you are reading this it means that 1) you’ve found this randomly, and in which case… “sup?” or 2) you are one of the maybe 4 people I genuinely trust to tell this too without fear of being treated differently after doing it. If it is option 2…Surprise? I’ve worked extremely hard to make sure you couldn’t have seen this coming. It also means that you’ve shown me love  implicitly in such a way that removes so much doubt, I hope you know how powerful and beautiful that is. 

I don’t know man I think this is all really just about wanting to feel that oneness  with myself again, to finally find peace one day. I don’t have to live, I get to, and I want too. The world is abhorrently beautiful  man. daunting, ridiculous, backbreaking and gorgeous. I want to feel all of it,  I want to find my place in it and I can’t do it alone. Not anymore.  

Happy Birthday to me. ayeee.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

I’m Getting More Socially Awkward Every Year, Can I Blame the Internet?

https://fashion-trendin.com/im-getting-more-socially-awkward-every-year-can-i-blame-the-internet/

I’m Getting More Socially Awkward Every Year, Can I Blame the Internet?

N

o other banal event floods my system with stress as quickly as a text that reads: “You available for a call?” Is Death calling or merely my mother, wondering what that chocolate mousse thing I made for a family gathering once eight years ago was? I’d consider the news of my own death to be quite serious, but honestly, I think I’d still prefer to receive it via text — perhaps as a single-frame New Yorker comic to sum up my passage through the veil, or even as a simple coffin emoji sent by the Grim Reaper’s bony finger, presumably adorned in tech-finger gloves. (Does bone work on a touchscreen?)

There are many reasons I prefer texting over phone calls. It’s less intrusive (the other party can answer at their leisure), there is a whole wealth of virtual material to pull from (memes! GIFs! inscrutable emojis!) and it provides an opportunity to be thoughtful in message crafting. Though there is also a more self-serving reason: comfort.

Written communication is the “taking off your bra” of conversational mediums for me. As someone who feels at home expressing herself through writing, the art of casual, vocalized conversation can often feel uncomfortable. For whatever reason, this type of social stress began to settle in post-college, and conjuring my ability to charm in real time seems to be slipping away with each passing year.

I always chalked this deterioration up to the introduction of bigger stakes: a job I want to get, an important connection I want to foster, a relationship I don’t want to damage. While those may be factors, I’ve started to wonder if a component of that anxiety is, more simply, a general decline in the number of unscripted exchanges I have on any given day. It’s practically standard practice at this point for my group of gal pals to juggle six different threads of conversation across three different platforms. We sometimes even chat through our phones when we’re in the same room together. What else are you going to do to avoid watching The Bachelor while gathering to watch The Bachelor?

Social technology, in all of its varying forms, seems similar to alcohol in a way. Both can be used as an effective lubricant for the socially skittish, but when used in excess, can also damage our ability to hold a coherent conversation without their aid.

Experts seem to agree that anxiety, stress and depression are all on the rise in younger generations, especially young women. It may correlate to the tight coupling of social media and advertisements, unsure financial futures or debt, or an evolutionary bias toward a level of stress that we no longer need. It may be a mixture of all of those plus my suspicion of a general atrophy of the casual conversation skills we developed pre-screen. According to Dr. Kirk Honda, PsyD, professor of psychology at Antioch University Seattle and host of the Psychology in Seattle podcast, all of these are “totally valid hypotheses, but nearly impossible to test given our current technologies and budgets.” (Thanks a lot, scientific method.)

“[I]t may just be that we’re doing a better job of identifying mental health issues,” suggests Honda. “There is also the matter of culture. Certain cultures express anxiety and depression in different ways, making it difficult to pin down the rise in anxiety and depression to a purely western phenomenon.”

Over the course of our conversation, Honda brought up the idea that as humans evolved, we shifted from a highly tribal species to one of increasing isolation. In many western societies, families no longer live in geographically close communities, and people move jobs and homes so often, they don’t get the opportunity to build confidence in their everyday relationships. This constant newness and mistrust of others can cause excess stress, says Dr. Honda.

Another theory, proposed in the 1990s by anthropologist Robin Dunbar, posits that humans can reasonably maintain only 150 close relationships. Anything larger than that, and rules have to be put in place to maintain peace. Then came the modern internet — a vast, lawless landscape that easily outpaced our ability to evolve our cliques from 150 to roughly 4 billion.

That seems to be where we are now: increasingly isolated in the physical realm, bombarded by a virtual global community and — given that it’s not often recognized on social media that humans are merely flesh suits stuffed firm with honest mistakes and the capacity for change — completely unsure of what may or may not cause us social pain. To cap it off, the view that issues that arise on the internet (think Gamergate) are inconsequential and separate from our somatic selves is patently false, though scarcely recognized. Somewhere in this convolution lies the source of our collective stress, inevitably leading us to the trough of self-care in the form of cancelled plans, infinite scrolling and the great and terrible cycle of trying all of Oreo’s limited edition flavors. Fortunately for all of us, Nabisco excluded, there’s a fix.

In all his years in the field, Honda has found anxiety to be “one of the most manageable afflictions for a therapist to effectively treat, sometimes taking only a few months of therapy. In fact, most people deal with anxiety at some point in their lives.” He encourages anyone suffering from the kind of anxiety that affects your ability to function to seek treatment from a licensed therapist.

It’s encouraging to know that anxiety and social stress are common struggles. Honda agrees that “for many, there’s likely a connection between social media and anxiety and a lack of social or coping skills. It’s just really difficult to measure the exact physical mechanism in the brain.” Regardless of possibility, I can’t help but theorize. As we inch closer to understanding the mind, will we one day be able to definitively tell if the internet is simultaneously encouraging us to eschew the physical for the virtual, all while atrophying our real-time conversation skills? Phase one of the synchronicity, perhaps. Or does it just require a restructuring of some age-old drinking wisdom: If wine before liquor makes you sicker, what do memes before water cooler chat do?

Illustrations by Irene Servillo.