#im partially west asian but i dont have enough. experience? connection? to rlly comment on how that intersects w transandrophobia

[genderkoolaid]

not sure where to start with this kinda thing but *sigh* here goes.

(gonna preface this by saying i don't want to 'take away' attention to this starting topic. it's very important for Black trans masc voices to be heard. just using this as an example.)

in conversations of POC trans men and how their transmasculinity intersects with their race, i usually hear about Black trans mascs and how their masculinity is weaponised against them. i have heard nothing about Asian trans men which kinda surprises me? it's very very important to hear Black trans mascs, of course. i wonder why there is little to no talk of other POC trans mascs, though.

i am a South East Asian genderqueer trans man and i have not seen any other SEA trans men talk about their experiences of race and transmasculinity intersecting. literally nothing lol. idk if i've been looking in the wrong places or something.

i have darker skin than what most White people would think of when they hear 'Asian' but people assume based on my eye shape that i'm East Asian. i'm already invisible to most people. i'm just an afterthought of an Asian (even in activism), an Asian man who is just grouped under the general assumption that all Asians are from East Asia. nobody cares much about my culture. to them, i'm 'just Asian'. i'm the type of Asian that is both fetishised and oversexualised and called 'dirty' for being darker skinned, having a flatter nose, having a culture that isn't 'cool'.

(South East Asian men who are cis also struggle with being emasculated in White countries, so cheers to my transness introducing me to that horrible intersection of racism and masculinity).

i've been feminised my entire life even though i've been perceived as pretty boyish before i figured out my transness. like, even when people 'mistook' me for a boy when i was younger, girls would still exclude me from their playground gossip. 'who do you think is the prettiest guy in class?' 'between all the boys, who's the cutest?'. i remember hearing '(my nickname) is handsome!' replied to with, 'really? that guy? the Asian? he's pretty girly for a guy'.

that hurt me so bad at the time, because i did everything in my power to play with boy toys, play with boy things, do boy things, dress in boy clothes. what did i do that was girly? everyone thought i was a boy. i did the exact same things my White classmates did. what did i do differently from my White peers that made me girly? it hurt me so bad.

i feel so feminised even when people view me as cis. i feel so undesirable because i'm never going to be masculine enough, even if i was the most masculine Asian man. i am never measuring up to the White cis standard in gay dating pools. i feel invisible. even if i was the most Masculine Asian Man, i would never been seen as masculine as the average cis White man. it's so distressing.

i feel like i'm not worthy enough to date a cis boy. and i feel like White trans mascs can't understand my frustration at this forced feminisation; it is not the same (not saying this in any bad way or trying to imply i 'go through worse', i just..can't relate to them. and it hurts when most trans masc people i see online are White. i never see myself in that trans experience and i want to so badly).

hell, i'm emasculated in the way that East Asian men are, but i'm not fucking East Asian. i'm still treated like i'm a 'dirty Asian' because i'm brown. i'm undesirable and so desirable that people fetishise me at the same time. i'm so invisible. as a man and as an Asian. (South East Asians are fetishised in such a weird grey area that's it's hard to talk about tbh.)

trans men in general already suffering from invisibility doesn't help anything. i am so much more invisible because i am South East Asian. i am invisible even to well-meaning anti-racist allies. i am so, so invisible. because nobody thinks much about South East Asia. that a trans man can be South East Asian, even.

not sure where i am getting with this. but i hope to just..put this here and hope it makes a lick of sense to you. your blog has given me such affirmation and joy i've never really felt in a while. i don't even care if you don't reply. it's cathartic to even talk about this.

i wonder if people really even stop to think about South East Asian trans mascs. i've had such a problem with invisibility that when people claim that invisibility is a 'privilege', it makes me break down. i live my life invisible to communities i am a part of. it's debilitating seeing nobody like you. to feel like a ghost, like some weird anomaly that doesn't deserve to be a man. i am an invisible Asian, and an invisible man. i am an invisible Asian man. it's so tiring.

^^^ I'm glad you wrote this. I really value hearing other people's experiences and perspectives.

I think part of the problem is that the transandrophobia discussion is, especially in comparison to other spaces in queer discourse, pretty young & small, so I think a lot of groups aren't represented because not enough people from those groups have actually heard about it enough to give their opinions. But I'm really glad you did; we definitely need to hear more from transmascs of color on the unique ways they deal with transandrophobia and race.