#im scared to sleep now bc that means losing consciousness again

[phosphophylight-of-my-life]

had another fainting spell, but this time i was out cold for at least 3mins instead of just a few seconds bc i managed to sit down before losing consciousness, and no one in a train cabin of at least 20 people had the sense to lower my head so blood could reach it more easily

[gryffvndors]

uncommon alliances: part three

summary: you take advantage of the fact that pansy literally doesn’t care about house security, and decide to sleep in the slytherin common room with daphne and draco. also, the hogsmeade four has a lengthy discussion about dicks.

word count: ~3900

a/n: hi guys im back from the dead w another part of this series that has, essentially, no plot bc don’t we all love pwp! (; potter without plot!! what did u think i meant??? anyway there’s a discussion about dicks in here so if u dont wanna read that, it’s near the end, just ctrl+f “upside-down” and u’ll skip it, it’s just for a laughhhh

part zero  part one  part two

“It is far too early for this,” you mumble, eyelids fluttering. The option of settling back into the black leather sofa you’re sinking into and shutting your eyes to drift off is far too appealing - next to you, Daphne pokes you in the ribs, snorting when you let out a hysterical giggle. She pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her forehead on them, body shaking with laughter. Your eyes are too heavy, world too incoherent to join in and make fun of yourself, so instead, you just sigh and lean forward to grab your mug of tea.

“Stop laughing at me, Daph, ‘m tired ‘nd I didn’t mean to,” you whine softly, hands wrapped around the mug. You bring it up to your lips and sip at it. The hot liquid - scalding liquid, Merlin’s fucking pants, that is burning your tongue right off- “Fuck, tha’ ih ho’-!”

Daphne raises her head and takes in the image of you coughing and letting the tea dribble back into the mug, then bursts into even louder, more violent laughter. “Y-you look s-so-” she chokes out in between gulps of air a minute later, “that is g-gross, oh my goodness-”

Scowling at the tea, you set the mug back on the table and huff. “Well, I’m awake now,” you mutter, scowling. Your friend wraps her delicate arms around your body and squeezes, her blonde ponytail hanging in your face. You relax, hugging Daphne back. When she pulls away, her pretty face is split in half by a huge grin; Daphne rests her head on your shoulder and stretches her legs out so her socked feet are crossed at the ankles on the table, right next to your tea. Behind you, you hear the distant sound of feet thumping on stairs. A familiar scoff greets you in lieu of a hello, and you have to fight not to break out in a smile. It’s crazy how you know who it is just by the sound of his annoyed exhales, but you decide not to think about it, or else, in your half-asleep state, you might become too sappy and scare him away. You’ve never seen sleepy Draco - that would be too vulnerable of him, and Draco doesn’t do vulnerable - but you can imagine that he wouldn’t be sappy or clingy. You, on the contrary, are very huggy when you’re sleepy, hence the fact that you and Daphne are practically cuddling in the Slytherin common room.

Draco shuffles around to stand in front of you, arms crossed and lips puckered in a confused sort of pout. “What… are you doing here,” he asks. “This is the Slytherin common room. Stop cuddling with Daphne and go back to the trash you call living quarters.”

The corners of your mouth spread into a slow, lazy smirk. “Oh, but Draco-” you pat the seat next to you, the one connected to the arm of the couch. “Come cuddle with us. It’s so cold in here, and we’re so lonely. We’re all alone.”

Daphne nods in agreement. She pats the back of your hand and murmurs, “Come on, Draco, we’re lonely.”

“You have each other. You aren’t lonely,” Draco says, but inches forward a little. He glances at the seat, then to you and Daphne, then back to the seat again.

“Why did you even come down here if you didn’t want to cuddle with us?”

He rolls his eyes and retorts, “I was going back to my dorm from the bathroom and I thought I heard your annoying laugh. The one you do when somebody pokes you in your side. I wanted to see if you were actually here so I could tell you to go away. Why are you here, anyway?”

Your smirks grows wider as you say, “Come join us and I’ll fill you in.”

After a staring contest between you two (which is filled with Daphne’s quiet giggles), Draco huffs out a, “…Fine. But only because I’m curious, and not because I want to cuddle with you.”

“Mmm. Sure. Come on…” You untangle one arm from Daphne and hold it out to him. Draco tentatively takes a seat, sighing when you snuggle into his side without restraint. He begrudgingly wraps an arm around you. Daphne doesn’t unattach herself, so it soon becomes a train of cuddling. The prospect makes you giggle into Draco’s chest. He tucks his legs underneath him and glances down at you, blushing and looking away when he sees you already staring at him.

“So,” he clears his throat, gaze trained on the floor, “why is a Gryffindor like you in the Slytherin common room at… five in the morning on a Saturday?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” you slur. You slide down so your head is resting in his lap. Draco stiffens and, for a second, you think he’s going to push you off. Instead, he runs his fingers through your hair. Surprised (and a bit overjoyed), you shut your eyes and relish in the feeling of the boy you like playing with your hair, joined by the presence of one of your best friends. For a few minutes, the three of you engage in tired, slurred conversation that has much to do with nothing. Daphne murmurs something about wanting a necklace from a jewelry store at Hogsmeade. At the mention of the town, you announce that you’ve been searching for a book on Quidditch Beaters that they don’t have stocked in the library, and you hope it’s at one of the bookstores there. Draco mutters his wish for firewhiskey. You only get to hear half of his sentence, because by the end of it, your mind has drifted off to a warm, comfortable sleep.

“Malfoy, Greengrass - why is Weasley here?”

You open one eye. Before you stands one of the Slytherin Prefects, Zoey Cross, a seventh year, with one eyebrow raised and an unimpressed expression on her face. You remember a couple years ago, when the older twins went to school, Fred dated her for a couple months. They were pretty serious, too. Something happened between her and another guy and they broke it off, but after, you’d noticed them pining from afar. When you told Fred, he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

“She couldn’t sleep,” Draco responds softly. “Don’t wake her up, she hasn’t been sleeping well.”

You quickly shut your eye so Zoey doesn’t see you. From the tinge of amusement in her voice when she replies, she’s already noticed your consciousness. “Right…” Zoey muses. “Well, there’s no use in kicking her out if she just comes back inside. Her Weasley genes make her prone to that sort of behavior. Stop telling her the password.”

You snort, chomping on your lip to restrain the smirk that threatens to spill past your lips. “But you told Fred the password,” you crumble and finally mumble, snickering. “And you knew the Gryffindor password.” You open both of your eyes, then, automatically meeting Zoey’s cinnamon brown eyes. She narrows them, sending you A Look. You respond by sending you one of her own. “Checkmate, Cross.”

“Fred and I were in a committed, monogamous, public relationship,” Zoey purses her lips. “And you? Who are you currently in a committed, monogamous, public relationship with in Slytherin? Certainly not Greengrass, what with her relationship with Hemmings-”

“I am not dating Kit Hemmings, Cross-”

“Daphne,” groans Draco. “Hemmings, of all the people? He’s such as ass-”

“Oh, rich, coming from you, Daddy’s Boy-”

“Can it, sister, I caught you two snogging in the boys’ dormitory the other night. And shut up, Malfoy, you’re the biggest prick of the entire Slytherin house. And don’t pull that He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named bullshit, you know I’m talking about modern years. Anyway, we’re waiting, Weasley.”

Your leer melts into a frown. You sit up; Daphne scoots aside so you can fit in between her and a tense, pouting Draco. From Zoey’s triumphant power stance, she knows she hit a nerve. ‘Stupid Slytherins,’ you think, huffing. It’s like they can read minds, or something. It’s like they can sniff your insecurities and manipulate them.

Before you can spit out a, “Nobody,” through clenched teeth, Draco takes a deep breath and mumbles, “Me.”

You, Daphne, and Zoey, in unison, say, “What.” and gape at him.

Daphne recovers first, snapping her fingers and pointing at the Prefect. “See! She has permission from her boyfriend!” The word makes you and Draco flinch. Daphne rages on excitedly. “So she can be in here! Because you let her brother in here when you dated him! I remember, you know, you two would always snog in that armchair over there and I’d have to stop Astoria from staring. She stares a lot-”

“Okay, okay,” Zoey holds her hands up in surrender. “I’ll back off. But, since Ethan’ll hound me if I don’t, I’m taking one point from Gryffindor every time I catch you in here after today.”

You snap out of your shock enough to nod and force out a, “Gryffindor loses so many points a week, it’ll hardly matter.”

She laughs, “I guess you’re right… I’ll leave you to it, then. Oh, and Weasley-” you raise an eyebrow. “If you’re wanting breakfast, I’d suggest you go down there now, before your brother eats all of it. Last I saw, he was on his third plate.”

Rolling your eyes and mumbling something under your breath, you slide off the couch. Draco snorts, getting up and helping Daphne to her feet. “She’s not much better,” he mumbles, making you turn around and slap his arm. “Don’t slap me, you imbecile, you know it’s true!”

“Doesn’t mean you have to say it, Draco!”

Zoey glances between you two and rolls her eyes. “I’m going upstairs. Weasley, remember what I said.”

As she ascends up the stairs, you call, “You should owl Fred sometime. He misses you.”

“I’ll… take that into consideration.” She turns and flashes you a small smile. “…Thanks.”

The three of you watch her vanish into the girls’ dormitory. As soon as she’s gone, you point an accusing finger to your friend. “You didn’t tell me about Hemmings!”

Daphne groans and covers her face with her hands. She shakes her head, blonde hair whipping around to hit Draco in the face. You try to suppress a laugh; instead, it comes out as a rather strangled noise deep in your throat like you’re being throttled. “I’ll tell you later with the rest of the girls, okay? At Hogsmeade. I promise!” She leans forward to grab your crossed arms, dark green eyes boring intensely into yours. Sighing, you shrug. “Thank you for not being upset with me! I wanted to say something to everyone at once! Okay, well, I’m going to leave you two alone and go down to the Great Hall.” As she skips to the exit, she spins and does a weird backwards skip/jog thing that nearly makes her trip. After she recovers, she points at you with both hands. “Noon! Bye, Draco!”

Daphne leaves the common room in her pajamas, which you let her go in just because you’re too lazy to say anything about it. And then there were two. You stand about a foot away from him, too aware of the awkward silence between you two. The tension is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. You purse your lips and raise your gaze to meet Draco’s.

“So…” you begin, shifting weight between your feet. You should just go on and say it. Neither of you are getting any younger here, and you’re not one for unnecessary tension; quite on the contrary, you prefer to just get everything out in the open. “Boyfriend?”

He takes a sudden interest in the fireplace. Clearing his throat, Draco shoves his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants and shrugs. “Is that okay?”

“Uh - yeah! Yeah, it’s fine with me. Just a little… surprising, is all. Um, public? We’re public now?”

“Well, Daphne seemed to already know about it. If she knows, then Pansy and Millicent do, as well. It was just a matter of time,” Draco pauses. “How do you think Weasel will react?” If you didn’t think the idea so insane, you’d reckon Draco actually looks nervous. Or something of the sort.

“Badly,” you admit, shrugging. “But I don’t care. It isn’t his relationship, it’s mine. He has no business in my relationships. He tried it with Ginny and Dean earlier in the year - we both put an end to that.” Smirking, you remember the Dean Era. You can’t recall whether or not Michael was before or after - Harry’s definitely here to stay for a while, which is something you couldn’t be happier about.

Draco is saying something when you snap out of your thoughts. You see him stroll to the staircase to the boys’ dormitory - you call after him, throwing your hands in the air. “Where are you going?” Draco raises a brow. “I’m getting dressed. Were you not listening to me while I was speaking?”

“Uh, no.”

He rolls his eyes, then turns back to the stairs. “That is your loss, not mine. You should get changed, too. I’ll see you later in Hogsmeade, okay?”

You mumble, “Yeah, fine, whatever,” and head for the common room entrance. On your way, you pass Crabbe and Goyle - instead of sending them a huge grin, like you do Blaise and Theo, you merely nod to them. You’re not quite there with them yet.

“Where have you been?” Questions Ron immediately as you step through the Fat Lady’s portrait. He rises from the armchair that faces the Gryffindor common room exit; you pass him, nudging his shoulder with your hand on your way to the girls’ dormitory. “You’re wearing the same clothes you were yesterday! Is my little sister doing the Walk of Shame?!”

“Twins,” you remind him with a smile. “We’re twins. One minute doesn’t count. And I just crashed with a few friends, nothing to worry about. I’m fine. I didn’t sleep with anyone, not that it is any of your business even if I did.”

“What? You don’t have any friends. You have - you have us! Me, ‘Mione, Harry, and Ginny!” A moments hesitation, then, “Were you with Luna?”

“Ron! I said it’s none of your business. I’m fine. Don’t go all overprotective of me. Trust me, I can hold my own. I’m going to get changed for Hogsmeade, maybe see if Ginny has any snacks. I’ll see you later-”

“Ah, right, wait-” Ron grabs something off the table next to the armchair and jogs over to the bottom of the case; he eyes it warily. You snort, planting your hands on your hips and descending the necessary amount of steps to become eye-to-eye with him. “I noticed you weren’t at breakfast, thought you were ill. I brought you some food. It’s probably a little cold, but I don’t trust myself to do a Warming spell and not torch the thing.” Ron offers you the thing. It’s a plate of assorted breakfast food. You take it gingerly, a flood of familial affection washing through your body. It’s such a sweet, thoughtful gesture, you feel bad about being so adamant with him about your whereabouts. Of course, if you were him, you’d be worried, too.

You pull your brother in for a one-armed hug. He accepts it for a second and pulls away the next, ears red. “Thank you, Ron!” You beam into his blue eyes. You decide to add, “You’re the best twin older-brother-by-one-minute ever!”

“It’s nothing, I just thought you’d be hungry,” he mumbles, shuffling backwards. You let him inch away from the conversation. Instead of forcing him into more sibling bonding, you just go up to your dorms to get ready. Before eating the breakfast, you take out your wand and cast a light Warming spell. Then you proceed to burn your tongue on a forkful of eggs.

“Is his dick big, though?” Pansy sips at her butterbeer, nonchalant about the question she just imposed. “Like, Daph, I know you’re all, ‘size doesn’t matter’, but let’s be honest, ladies - it does. Size does matter.”

Daphne chokes on her treacle tart. When she stops dying, she grabs the nearest thing to her and chucks it across the table. It just so happens to be the bag of owl treats Millie bought for her owl - Daphne just nearly misses, Pansy ducking out of the way just in time. The bag sails over her head and lands behind your table. It bursts open and all the treats scatter amongst the floor. “Oh, shit-” Daphne jumps up, shouting an apology to Madame Rosmerta, who just rolls her eyes, a small smile on her face. “I’ve got it, Madame, really-”

Madame Rosmerta waves her off and takes out her wand. You turn back to the table, snickering as Millie scolds Daphne for wasting her owl treats. Madame Rosmerta hands the newly-mended bag back to Millie, nodding at Daphne’s gushing of ‘thank you, Madame, thank you - I’m so sorry-’. She, along with the entirety of the Three Broomsticks, ignores her shrieking when Millie attempts to hit Daphne over the head with the bag. You and Pansy step in. Pansy wrestles the bag away from an angry Millie while you protect a screeching Daphne.

“Give me back my owl treats, Parkinson-”

Pansy raises a perfect, dark eyebrow. “Uh, Bulstrode, you can get them back when we return to the common room. I won’t have you trying to kill Daph on my watch.” She flips her hair and smiles. “Anyway. What was I talking about?”

“Size does matter,” you offer, much to Daphne’s chagrin.

“Oh, right - yeah, size fucking matters, Daph.”

“No - Pansy, it’s all about personality. It doesn’t matter if he has a large penis, because if he has a large personality, then I am satisfied,” Daphne sits back in her seat, pleased with herself.

You lean over and stage-whisper to Pansy, “I think Hemmings has a small dick.”

“I’d wager he does, too,” Pansy stage-whispers back, maintaining solid eye contact with Daphne.

“No! Stop it, guys, it isn’t your dick, I don’t see why you care-”

“You’re not denying it, Daphne,” Millie cuts in. Her temper has calmed, and she’s back to first-name basis again. Good; having Millie angry is like… having Hermione angry with you. She’s sullen, stubborn, and a pain in the ass to be around. “If you’re not going to entertain us with Hemming’s dick, let’s talk about Draco’s.” Fuck. Nevermind, you want her to be sulky again. “How big is Draco’s dick?”

Pansy leans in, a laugh at the tip of her tongue. “Yeah, tell us. Give us the details.” After a moment, Pansy shakes her head. “Actually, I have to look at him in the eye. Don’t give us the details, but make a broad accusation, y’know?”

Shooting a wink at your blonde friend, you rest your chin on your fist and say, “Well, let me tell you girls, I think size does matter, and I am more than satisfied.” Grinning at Pansy’s shrieking laughs, you take a small sip from your mug and watch her and Millie viciously tease Daphne.

“See? Daph, even Draco has a big dick - and we all thought he was compensating! Sucks that Hemming’s is too small - maybe you should try someone else, like Po-”

Daphne, fuming, slams her fist on the table. Some butterbeer sloshes over the side of your mug, but you barely notice it in your violent giggling fit. “You know what?” She snaps. “I wasn’t going to tell you, because privacy, but I’ll have you know Kit does have a big dick. In fact, Kit has a huge cock. It’s the biggest I’ve ever seen. Nine inches,” she says the last bit proudly.

You, Pansy, and Millie all shout in unison, “Nine?!”

“Nine. Kit’s dick is nine inches long. So, yes, I am very satisfied. I get nine inch cock-”

“That’s very interesting, Daphne, but I’d rather not know the size of Kit Hemming’s dick. Or first-hand accounts of how he uses it. Or, quite honestly, his name gives me a migraine, so I’d prefer to not speak of him, at all, for the rest of my life,” Draco’s voice sounds above you. You crane your neck to look up. He’s smirking in Daphne’s direction. Draco leans down to give you a weird upside-down kiss that’s actually quite cute and endearing, and leaves even Pansy awwing. Pansy never aws. Pansy is a cold, emotionless snake who takes pleasure only in seeing other people’s discomfort. And, sometimes cute things, when she’s in the mood. It’s not often; the mood comes once in a blue moon.

You love Pansy.

Draco drops a book onto the table as he falls into the seat in between you and Pansy. You pick up the book. Scanning the title, your heart rate quickens with each letter until you’ve finished the cover page and your excitement is through the roof. “Draco!” You shriek, setting the book down and tackling him in a hug. “Merlin’s tits-”

“Nice one,” he says, sarcastic.

“-Thank you so much, holy shit! I’ve been looking for this forever! How did you find it?!”

Draco picks up your mug and drinks from it. He leans against the back of the chair and shrugs. “I’m a Malfoy. I can get whatever I want.”

“I thought you were, like, half-asleep when I talked about this?”

“I was listening to you. I don’t tune you out,” he scoffs.

It’s then that you remember that your friends are still here, and staring at you expectantly, waiting to be included. “Oh, right - Daph, you might remember this. It’s the book on Beaters and tips and biographies and tricks of world-famous Beaters that I’ve been looking for for ages.”

Millie wiggles her eyebrows at you and Draco. “And what is he getting in return for your book?”

Draco answers before you can, saying, “Peace and quiet, hopefully. I’m leaning towards not being mindlessly bothered by her every second of the day.”

The three girls change the subject after laughing, leaving you and Draco pretty much alone. You look up at him, smiling. He’s smiling, too; the corners of his mouth are slightly upturned. You can tell he’s trying to hold one back. “You keep getting things for me, and I don’t know what to give you.”

“I don’t need anything,” he says quickly. Draco takes the book from your hands and sets it back on the table. He twists in his chair so his entire body is facing you. You do the same until you’re knee-to-knee. “Honestly. Don’t get me anything. Please. I… have everything materialistic I need.”

“Kiss me?”

Draco goes to glance around, then seems to think better of it. He meets you in the middle and kisses you long and hard, fingers making their way to clutch the front of your shirt. After you pull away, he mumbles, “How do you always get your way? Manipulation?”

“No, that’s you,” you retort, setting the book on your lap and opening it to the first page. Before you start reading, you grin at him and wink. “I use scare tactics to get my way.”

Draco snorts. “Right. That’s it. You’re so scary, I get it now.”

Humming in response, you lace his fingers with yours and begin the book, relishing in the feeling of his thumb sweeping over the back of your hand, light as a feather.

[aitian]

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june: 

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left. 

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute. 

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside. 

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply. 

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear. 

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #11: "okay so heres the tea mawmaw henny... anyways" - Bryce

I guess i wasnt right to be paranoid but doesnt feel good knowing your name was used as a fake target. I really want to win the next immunity but idk. Hopefully i can do well.

nick tried super hard that tribal i got a tiny bit nervous but i'm glad that things seem to be going pretty well and working themselves out with nathan brian and sharky but i feel like nathan's gonna be pretty upset with me after the season :(

Welp I blew another challenge. Good times. Hopefully Nathan won't win because I want him out next. Ideal boot order for me going forward is Nathan, Bryce, Maynor, Matt, Anna. So we'll see how this challenge shakes out and then I can create some beautiful mastermind plot to send his ass home. Tbh he's just gotten too shady. It seems like every round it gets back to me that Nathan has been working some plan that he never told me about. And Nick was always the leak so with him gone Idk how I can trust Nathan anymore. But I feel solid with The FB Bois and with Brian's steal a vote in his pocket we should be able to control the majority from here on out. There's a lot of "hopefully"s in my head right now.

The challenge didn't go so well because I was sleep deprived and reaction time was slow. I don't think Im going to win. It is crazy though that it is the Final 7 already. Im closely working with Nathan in this game. I would totally go to the end with him. This is where we can make a move to keep the majority. Nathan says he is able to get Annabelle's vote and I think I can get Bryce's vote which means that's 4 and enough to send either Matt, Sharky, or Brian home. It sucks cuz I'm also working with Sharky and Brian but both haven't really talked game game to me. They have told me the vote but not really strategy talk. So I feel like I rather side with Nathan, who actually talks to me about strategy. We have to wait and see who wins immunity to really make a plan for tribal.

i really wanted to uh win immunity but JKFASKJ guess thats never gonna happen. i was like how can anyone flop at this simon says game and well. love simon outsold... i want to get annabelle out this round but now it can be hard without the blanket of protection that immunity brings what if it backfires. we still have brians steal a vote tho so thats 3 votes and we'd only need one more barring another idol. speaking of idols i still have NOTHING.

Okay now I'm starting to feel a little guilty. Nathan just came to me stressing. He's never made it this far and he feels like he's so close but he's feeling the pressure to build his resume. I get all of those feelings. And I know if I'm the one to betray him and ruin his streak I stand no chance of getting his jury vote. I'm feeling so conflicted. Nathan is a threat and I can't trust him. But I finally understand why he's been such a mess throughout the merge. What do I do?

So remember how I said I felt bad for Nathan? OVER IT. So I wanted to vote him out this go around. But then I was unsure. And I told him it would be easiest to just vote Bryce. AND HE TOLD BRYCE. I'm over it. he's doing literally too much. He's never made it this far and it shows. Like scrambling and betraying your allies who had your back and EVEN FORGAVE YOU WHEN YOU LIED TO US. Like It's not cute.

ok so heres the tea mawmaw henny. ... anyways i um love stream of consciousness writing NNN so sharky doesnt trust me and wants me out but like everyone tells me why doesnt he trust me ive been nothing but honest anyways gays cant be trusted. but maynor sharky and anna wanna vote matt. and matt wants to vote maynor/anna and i wanna vote anna with brian so idk im just scared that if we use brians vote steal we'll be in danger at f6 maybe voting matt is smarter like if they just voted sharky id be down but i dont want to go into f6 with sharky AND nathan/anna

So I forgot to vote last round before I literally passed the fuck out after work... how sad!  Nick still did go, just like I had worked on... But I'm OK again because I won immunity //again// (a physical threat...) so therefore I'm safe for yet another round.  It's worrying because if I ever lose I become a huge target for the vote, and I think this round is very risky bisky.... but it'll also finally draw the final lines in the sand with people I want to go to the end with.

I've decided that Nathan's messiness and choice in allies is what strays me away from him.  I love Annabelle, but her relationship with Sharky is what deters me from going further with her.  I like Maynor, but his sketchiness during every tribal is what deters me from going further with him.  If Nathan got over his obsession with voting for Matt... Every.  Single.  Round... then maybe I'd feel better about this all.  If he threw out Sharky, then whew, let's do it!  Nathan is one of my favorite people ever, and he's so enjoyable to talk to... his big ass heart is what's making me feel so fucking bad about this decision, but I think it's what's best for me.

At the moment, I'm seeing a very iffy chance at winning come final tribal time, but I still have a fighting spirit to get there and to dominate final tribal.  I'm just worried about losing all respect from people like Nathan, Sharky, and Annabelle when I vote them out.  I know it's very plausible, so I have to start planning around that.  I have to be able to manage talking about a dominating game and also owning up to being shitty from time to time.

Ideally, I'll be sitting in final 4 with Bryce, Matt, and someone else (it's between Maynor and Nathan/Annabelle).  I know Sharky has to go, but I also have to be ready to work around him making finals with me.  Final 3 situation ideally would be with Matt and Bryce and then final 2 with whomever I see it easier to beat.  And that's all the tea I have for now.

To have tied in the immunity record and also be confirmed top 6... I'm so proud of myself and what I have done given all the time restraints I've had in this game so far.  It's impressive, if I do say so myself.  I really hope I can make people proud of me... and even if I go in 6th, I know I did the damnest fucking thing and fought my ass off.

Annajane, Matty, Jack, Jones, and Drew..., thank you for believing in me enough to cast me for this season.  I hope I don't let you guys down and haven't yet.

Marie, I hope I'm making you proud by still being here!!  I'm trying really hard every day to ensure one of us could do the damn thing.

Zacky, Tobi, Loris, Scott, Justin... and to really anyone out there rooting for me... thank you!  I may not know everyone who is rooting for me, but I really appreciate any support you've given me this season!!

So I think this vote might be the breaking point for me and Annabelle. If we're really coming after Nathan I can't tell her. I also told her that Matt's idol was the merge idol which isn't true. But the fact that she asked makes me think she doesn't know another idol is out there. Which is a great sign. I feel bad but I'm worried if she has to choose between me and Nathan she may choose Nathan. Ugh

God I am SO over these people! Like i seem to be the perpetual target every single round! And it is quite demoralising tbh. I seem to be the easy target cause Brian has immunity and Sharky has got close with Annabelle. and we 3 are a "trio!!!" who apparently need breaking up, even though nathan really needs to like fuck off out of here. I appreciate how hard the man is playing but he's just coming off as a dick now. As he has said, he wants to basically be fuck buddies with Brian to the end, which is not a cute look for him, riding Brians coat tails to the end where he will clearly be beaten. I am just SO over it. At least I _should_ be safe (and should is the correct term here) cause we will have bryce with us hopefully going into this vote but if i leave, i leave. I just want these people gone so I can have a stress free game for ONCE. Like please just fuck off out of here and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

ok so idk whats going to happen sharky threw my name out but now says he didnt and since i want him to vote with me i just say oh ya ofc i believe u. like i want anna out but sharky/matt wants nathan and maynor/anna/nathan want matt. what about what *i* want...

Today is the day where Nathan and I take majority with Bryce and Annabelle anf get rid of Matt or our plans come crashing down in flames. Either way we are making a move. I just hope we prevail and things go our way and our plan doesnt leak.

brian is amazing i need another immunity win so we can just have ari stans only winning immunities. i'm nervous because like this tribal is like anyone can really go the next few rounds but i feel like people still don't think i'm a threat but idk we'll see this game is really like i'm not sure.  

So now Matt is pitching Maynor because we couldn't choose between Anna and Nathan. But they still want to keep it a secret. And that's a terrible idea. We're going to do all this lying and plotting and then vote out the smallest threat. That's a wasted opportunity. I could get behind voting for Maynor but I'm not going to lie to Anna to do it. Plus they want to do it for fear of advantages but like...if Anna or Nathan have anything they'll definitely use it at F6 if we lie to them about the vote. We're overcomplicating this.

ok so like im gone.. idk its so hard to know whos telling the truth. what if sharky leaks to anna i want her out. like anna/maynor/nathan SHOULD be doing matt which means that like as long as me and brian vote together ill at most have 2 votes against me so maybe 3-2-2 but i really trust matt so i feel like he'll vote with us. i really dont wanna vote nathan out when anna is still here... bc she'll go to sharky so quick and take maynor with her. im trying to think of damage control if things do go bad ill just have to tell nathan i wanted anna out bc i thought he was closer to her than me and then maynor idk what to say NNNN... also sharky made an alliance with me matt brian and him but didnt tell me before hand lol love that.. i feel like the abi maria of the season idk why... or like the gabby who doesnt get her way AJSDHFKJA so sad... anyway im a goner :(

It looks like Brian, Matt, and Sharky are voting Bryce. While they think Bryce will vote Sharky. Me, Nathan, Annabelle, and Bryce are doing Matt which will suprise them. I think imma have to do lots of damage control with Brian and Sharky cuz last time I voted differently than they did, Sharky was fine since it wasnt him but Brian was made he was lied to. So like oopsie. But hey its the game of survivor and sometimes you have to lie who ur voting for.

Okay so...I amde a questionable choice...a VERY questionable choice. I told Annabelle everything (almost). She came to me and confessed the Matt plan because she didn't want me to be blindsided. Which verified all me feeling about fighting to save her. So I told her the truth (almost). I said Bryce leaked all of that info to us. I told her the 4 of us came together. I didn't tell her we named it the Fajita Fellas. That's just for us. But then I told her that I had protected her and got the vote on Maynor. Now if there is an idol played it will be on Maynor and Nathan will still go home. I'll send her a PM during the voting and be like SOS it's switching to Nathan. That way I cover my ass. Now I'm just trying to calm Brian down because he is ANXIOUS. Can people just chill out

Nathan is voted out 4-3.

[milaek]

2 am Stream of Conciousness

Forward:. I was asked a couple of days ago by @squiddleward if I would ever consider writing down just a stream of consciousness. This of course was after about a 30 minute discussion on the various and finer points of the ADHD brain, which I am pleased to say went rather well. And I am having trouble sleeping at the moments because my brain never shuts up and figured, hey, I might as well do that one thing.

And so begins stream of consciousness proper.

SOC. Is that weird? That's a little weird. Oh God starting things is hard. I spelled that wrong the first- car. Theres a car noise and now my airconditioner- wait I don't have one of those we only get heat- is on. The workers are actually- what time is it? I saw my clock out of the corner of my eye. I'mma check. It's 2:10. Why am I like this? Typing makes a funny sound cuz my phone is on vibrate.

Do you ever just listen to the noise of a quiet room? Like that weird buzz that you start to pick up when things are super quiet. I like to play a game called 'whats the highest buzz I can pick out?' where I choose a buzz frequency and my stomach just gurgled and oh hey heater again and why is my roommate still up she just started playing some video about America? Why is our- taco. I used to have an incader Zim tshirt that was bright blue and had for on it and I think text that went 'being normal is so taco' or something like that? True 2009 rawr XD culture right there.

She keeps pausing and playing the video in these tiny spurts? Are her headphones broken? Did she fall asleep on her phone? It is unlike her, she never plays her shit out loud and she's always the first one asleep. It paused again.

Anyways the buzz game. Once you find a tone/frequency you try to focus on the next one above it. And then the next one. Except they're all so damn high that you end up going in circles because sometimes the next one- JESUS I FORGOT MY PHONE WASNT ON SILENT. I just got an email and it scared the crap- heaters off again. Why does it do this on off on off thing? Like, just pick one?

Anyways yeah sometimes it circles to one that's actually.lower cuz you thought it was higher but it's not? Yeah. I'm doing that now. Ok now some weird truck just turned on? Or theres some goddamn vampire tireless construction worker drilling all by himself in the house apartment thing being built- the floodlites go right into my room it fucking suuuuucks. I really like having my dog sleep in my bed. I know my boyfriend doesn't but I love having her all snuggled up with me it's so sweet and very valuable I had Chinese food today. Good shit. Chow fun is so good, but it was basically I got in a fight not fight disagreement with my roommate about diets because I'm trying to watch what I eat but we like in a very big body positive house but I do want to lose weight? How do I say this and complain about having to hold myself to new food standards in a way that doesn't imply that fat is bad? My roommates are fine I just hate myself and wanna get at least a little more thin. Nothing crazy, just back into the 100's would be nice. I want eggs. 160 is like ideal Kate, but 170, 180, those are both good. I think there was a garlic potato recepit I can't spell that goddamned word fuck in the book I was reading today. Good shit. I can't spell porpoise either. The whale thing. Or purpose. The not whale thing. Why is English so hard.

Are porpoises whales? I took a class on marine biology, olivia I have failed you I'm sorry. Dig to the brain dig to the brain why does dogfish brain look like cat food tuna salad. I think some got on my mouth when we did that it was v salty. A v salty fish boi. What did you have to be salty about my dude? Oh wait yeah being killed as a baby duh lol. Eyes are weird. I squished it's eyeball and there was like, another fuckin ball inside of it? Is that how eyes work?? I still don't know??? It haunts me to this day. I don't think I ever looked at it's little shark teeth tho fuckin- glass blowing was cool. Man I wish I kept doing that. I burned myself again rpobably where that burn was from when I made a rose it was pink and pretty the rose I mean not the burn. The burn sucked. My coworker got burned and it turned into a big ol boil right under her bra hook poor girl. I ahevnt seen most of my face co-workers in weeeeeks why do none of y'all work closing TTnTT gotta turn over but I hate moving. Why does my bed eat pillows? Cookie monster. How did we all believe that he was actually eating those cookies. I watched the Muppets movie the other day. It was aight. The two humans were the most blancy mc bland straight couple tm people tho. Like, the hell? It's a wacky.story abt Kermit please give the woman an actual personality u fools I refuse to believe you spent it all on ms. Piggy. Ok Im tired I wanna shut my eyes now. Play the bu- heater just turned on again. Did it ever turn off? Those okami flag scroll things are the fucking worst that you have to run across. Rabbit. Like, just random image of.a rabbit on my brain. Though i should explain that one. 'thought you ought to know' *passes out* *thousands of children scream*. Truly iconic. Dat boi. The image in that meme was kinda trash but the meme itself was so good. Fuck man what's the opposite of missing something bc that it what I feel for that forever alone and meme face tm meme stuff. A dark, dark time. Before the age of dadaist memes, after the age of random XD. What i dub in my brain as the 'newgrounds era' of memes. My screen is yellow. I wish i could on a ferret. I wonder if a ferret would eat grass?

Ok this needs to end. Any thought pauses were denoted by line breaks. And now i must sleep.