#im seeing shrimp colors tonight

[thedragonagelesbian]

Before even getting into the conversation with Bhelen, I wanted to highlight this line from Vartag after you complete the first task: “It’s touching to see how strong your love is for your brother.” This one sentence encapsulates so much of what is insidious and heart-wrenching about going back to Orzammar. Whether Dru still loves her brother or not, it is enough to mock her for having once loved him and for whatever lingering sentimentality has compelled them to be his errand boy just for the chance of talking to him again.

(Because why else would she do it? Dwarven politics is at once so impersonal and indifferent and oh so intimate and violent, so Vartag doubts that Dru could be helping Bhelen out for any other reason than their familial bonds.)

Bhelen: Well, who would have imagined... My big sibling, back from the dead, and calling herself a Grey Warden.

Dru walked back into her family home for the first time in months, and Bhelen immediately grabbed the knife he had left in her back and twisted it in deeper. I’ve already made two posts about the dissonance that Dru is experiencing between her new identity as a Warden and her old identity as Princeps Aeducan, and that was before Bhelen threw that dissonance in their fucking face.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe Dru is just calling themself a Warden. Maybe it’s all play-acting, just like when they were the princeps.

Dru: Why did you do it, Bhelen? What did I ever do to you?

Bhelen: You’d have acted against me in a heartbeat if I hadn’t done it first. The same way you turned everyone in the Assembly against Trian. The same way our father--may the ancestors bless him--convinced his elder brother to enter a Proving against a convicted murderer. Who do you think gave the murderer the poison to put on his blade?

Dru: You’re wrong. I never plotted against you or Trian.

Low blow number fucking two. If Dru wasn’t on their back foot and desperate given how Bhelen opened the conversation, they are now. As much as the bloodlust of Orzammar politics has always seemed quotidian to them, they didn’t know that particular unsavory detail about their father killing his brother.

They’ve also just spent a couple of hours running around the Diamond Quarter and the Commons hearing all about how Bhelen is different and wants to do dwarven politics differently, why can’t he be different about this too? Why, indeed, didn’t he consider that Dru would be different about it too-- would be eager to set aside the conspiracy and subterfuge and death otherwise inherent in their politics?

Bhelen: You should thank me then.

But no. Bhelen’s desire to reform stops short of his ambition and power lust, and then he has the audacity to tell Dru she should thank him. For exiling her!!!

Bhelen: [pontificating about how a king needs to be ruthless] Neither you nor Harrowmont is that king.

The most aching thing is: he’s right!!! And, beyond the scope of his own bloodthirst, he’s right more generally: he is a progressive, radical, and decisive leader that neither Harrowmont nor Dru ever would be.

Dru knows he’s right. They never wanted to be the monarch of Orzammar, and in the months since their exiled, they’ve certainly rationalized to themself that Bhelen would probably do the best job of their siblings despite the means by which he took that job.

It’s not that he’s wrong. It’s that the one thing Dru wants so desperately to hear from her brother is something approximating an apology: some feeble acknowledgement of those means and their cost and the pain they caused her even if she’s happier for it.

As the player, I wanted to go with a dialogue option that expressed that agreement. I was hoping for something a bit more direct (along the lines of “Well, at least that’s something we can agree on”). What I picked was:

Dru: I guess I can’t blame you for playing a wining hand.

I’m sure there are some Wardens for whom this is an expression of a genuine admiration for Bhelen’s guile. It is immensely fucking hollow for Dru. They have spent the whole damn game telling themself this: that they don’t really blame Bhelen for what he did, not because they would do the same thing in his place, but because it gave her the life she always wanted for herself.

And when she had to confront Trian in the Temple of Sacred Ashes, she also had to confront for the first time that that wasn’t true.

When she says this, she’s trying to prompt Bhelen to disagree with her. At this point, she’s given up on an apology! But some inkling of remorse, some faint recognition of their suffering, even just a recognition of them! Just s o m e t h i n g from the brother they lived and grew up alongside.

And how does Bhelen respond?

Bhelen: And I guess you’ve finally learned something about politics.

When I tell you that I, the player, almost started crying! It’s so cruel and so unfair I want to scream into a pillow about it!!! Dru never asked for any of this! They didn’t want the burden of royal responsibility, and they certainly didn’t want the cutthroat death sentence it came with. She spends the first half of this entire conversation trying to connect with Bhelen and meet him on some common familial grounds, and he mocks and disdains her throughout for those very efforts.

It breaks my fucking heart, and that’s before the younger sibling smugness of it all makes me want to punch his fucking teeth in. I’m not gonna type up the rest of the convo, but I wanted to highlight two more moments because they pile onto the slimy awful insidiousness of this whole reunion.

The first is:

Dru: I thought you were such a strong ruler, Bhelen.

Bhelen: I can hold my throne, thank you. But I cannot hold it and send the troops you need. Or do you take back that request? ... I didn’t think so.

And the second is:

Dru: Just point me at [Jarvia] and your trouble’s over

Bhelen: Your eagerness is charming.

I--------- /muffled incoherent screeching/ THE FUCKING CONDESCENSION OF IT ALL Bhelen knows he has what Dru wants as much as he knows that they’re not going to go to Harrowmont for help, so he can dangle his help over her fucking head.

It’s just such a different tone than what you get with the other treaty quests. In both the Circle and the Brecilian Forest, your interactions are more... mutual? The mages and the Dalish will not help you until you help them, but they’re fighting for survival. Bhelen tells you point blank: I do not need your help, but you need mine, and I’m going to be such a smarmy DICK ABOUT IT.

He spends the entire conversation talking down to Dru, and it leaves her desperate and unmoored and angry, and they go get shitfaced in Tapster’s before going to Dust Town.

[sillyandquiteawkward]

tricked myself into having TWO cups of coffee tonight. i need to buy decaf i think im seeing shrimp colors

[bendyquirk]

By the time he walked over to the red chair, Wolfram sat down on it, then turned his head around to the window, gazing at the view and seeing the orange-reddish clouds floating on the sky. "Yeah, it looks damn beautiful," he remarked as he watched the sun setting, smelled a delicious scent of food that came from the kitchen, and then heard the customers talking with each other.

“yeah theres red and orange and i think im starting to see some pink in the sky!” cupid pointed out each of the colors as he was talking to wolfram, feeling his stomach rumble a bit with hunger. since he had been staying here with wolfram he had grown rather fond of the food here on earth, curious to see what they’d eat tonight. he was rather fond of the little shrimp foods they had to offer. something so small tasting so good intrigued him a lot.

[the-tall-writer]

For the ask thing? All multiples of three :3c (skip any you don't wanna/can't answer!)

E3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?  – @earthstained​ ill get to visit you this summer if it kills me!

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? –readers and scientists apparently. Oh, and artists. Definitely artists. Most of all, though, people that are kind.

9. Does talking about sex make you feel uncomfortable? –conceptually, no, but if I’m talking to someone and they bring up their sexual history, it can get a little iffy. I also can’t deal with someone checking somebody out and telling me what a great ass they think someone has. not. cool.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? –Casi Humanos, All We See Is Sky, Ukulele Anthem, Survival Song

15. What good thing happened this summer? –I got dumped but also dated a really cool girl that helped me realize I’m gayer than I initially knew. This coming summer I’m probably gonna get to attend my first Pride :))

18. Do you still talk about your first crush? –Haha sometimes. He just got in touch with me on Facebook saying he felt bad about the way he treated me last year. We might even end up friends again.

21. What are your bad habits? –making topics of conversation inevitably diverge to talk about how much I hate myself

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? –sleeping

30. Do you ever want to get married? –for the tax benefits and stability maybe.

33. Spell your name with your chin –agb67y

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? –Duh

39. Where are your favorite places to shop? –thrift stores, and this one curiosity shop by my house that just closed down :’( Oh and the comic shop. I feel so freaking at home there.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet, what does it mean? –I’m probably fuming about a joke someone made that actually hurt my feelings even though it was supposed to be in good fun, or I’m on the edge of a panic attack marinating in how much my family must be disappointed in me

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? –panic or having to pee. Sometimes both

48. Have you ever been drunk? –no

51. Ever wished you were someone else? –yeah sometimes I wish i was @thebootydiaries​… she’s too cool for me

54. Favorite store? –Scout :’’’(((((

57. Favorite food? –tater tot hot dish or french fries

60. Ever won a competition? For what? –I won a swimming race once. Too bad i hate swimming

63. Ever been in love? –yeah

66. Do you like tumblr friends more than your real friends? –most of them are one and the same. I like them equally lol

69. lol 69 Are you watching tv right now? –no I’m listening to Rilo Kiley

72. What color are your towels?? –turquoise and purple

75. Favorite animal? –mantis shrimp or pangolin. or platypus. or giraffe. Or bearded dragon. or….

78. Favorite ice cream? –the Tonight Dough from Ben and Jerry’s or cookie dough

81. Favorite tv show? –I don’t watch much tv lol

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? –Mean Girls obvs

87. First person you talked to today? –The group chat (unless myself counts?)

90. Name a person you love –Kid (little sister. not putting up her real name)

93. How many sweat pants do you have? –1

96. Favorite Actress? –probably one of the kids i worked with on the show lol

99. have any pets? –we’re getting a DOGGGGG

102. Do you regret anything from your past? –no im perfect

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? –yeah it was lit

108. What should you be doing? –….studying spanish vocab ;;

111. Do you have trust issues? –I trust people too much

114. Have you ever been outside your state? –Italy and Guatemala….

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? –it’s p good yeah

120. Are you afraid of the dark? –it keeps me sane. 

123. can you keep white shoes clean? –yeah by not wearing them

126. Are you bored right now? –this is so many questions it’s so much soul-searching im so tired

129. What’s your zodiac sign? –Aquarius

132. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? –probs quinn, and even then it was like not so much conversational depth as like I was really vulnerable and he knew what to do to make me feel safe

135. Dumbest lie you’ve ever told? –”we were just chilling outside we weren’t doing anything” after someone had very obviously thrown away a cigarette and the admin saw him

138. Curly or straight hair? –curly {heart eyes}

141. Night or day? –twilight or early morning

144. Dark, milk, or white chocolate? –full rack

147. Mars or snickers? –whichever company makes kit-kats

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? –“The time had gone for discussion; it had come for action, for building new armies and fortifying them with spirit and confidence.” ~The Age of Napoleon by Will and Ariel Durant

[theroadtorestoration-blog]

5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.