#im so uninterested in everything and everyone its so much effort to talk to people

[unfortunatematchups]

(Hello is this blog dead because I haven't seen you post since February)

nope, this blog aint dead. i have it open on a browser tab as long as im online to check on any new asks and messages. im going to leave a short explanation here for those who dont want to waste their time.

weve been busy with other interests and ive gotten something like a writers block. matchup block? since im the primary writer here, theres pretty much no activity as long as im not writing. thats it. no reason, nothing to do with personal problems. just a block. 

keep reading for the real reason. you might not like it, but here it is.

im going to use these john sprites to convey my emotion so it might clear up any doubts on how im feeling. lets start with the process of how i write a match.

this is what a draft looks like. i write out how i would rant about this pairing, errors and all, then i leave it for the next day to come back to this and clean this draft into a polished, three-pointer paragraph. the thing is, im the only one doing this, so its obviously going to take long. i dont mind, i love to type and see something spawn from my effort. 

the problem? these rants are people-specific. right. whatever im rambling about in the draft, its about the ask and the ask only. it wouldnt fit if you crammed it into another ask, it wouldnt make a lick-a-sense if it was used to answer someone else. but, when i start to polish it up with clear and coherent sentences, suddenly it becomes… static. it becomes plain and simple, uninteresting and linear. think of it like youre hearing about a book from someone you know and trust versus a review. the person you know describes why the book is great with a lot of passion and love, but theres a lot of errors in delivery and some awkward bits they havent flushed out yet. 

nevertheless, its enjoying and persuasive, because you can see how they love it so much to the point where it gets them like that. they dont plan out how theyll describe the book to you word by word, because theres no need to. seeing how it gets them excited gets you excited, so you buy their faith in the book. 

what about a review? its clean, its cut, its perfect in delivery. it has a flow, introducing you to the story and overall appeal, then maybe it digs down for a spoiler or two. it gels with you in a simple fashion, doesnt quite have that connection a passionate ramble has. because its professional. 

thats what ive been making this blog to be. professional. i answer the request with a polished, pretty and perfect answer. theres no personal connection. i could take a match, swap out a couple of words, maybe cut out a bit, and it would be clear for another match. it feels static to write those paragraphs, and it progressively gets worse each time i repeat the process. im chipping away at something so close, so personal and unique into something dull and professional because i want it to look clean.

but thats my end of the problem. i dont like how it comes out, so what? people enjoy it. they must be, seeing how theres fifty three fucking asks for matchups and 73 followers. 

i wont show all the asks i have in the inbox, but ill tell you what majority, if not all of them, sound like. 

“I’m bi/pan”, “I have brown hair/eyes”, “I’m chubby/short”, “I like art/gaming/reading/writing”, “I’m shy around people I don’t know, I’m crazy around people I know”, “I’m a nerd”, “I have ADHD/Anxiety”. 

of course, there are some exceptions. not everything i say is as is, but from 50+ asks, these are what about three quarters of them sound like. there are personal differences, like music tastes and obscure hobbies, but the general gist is there. 

im not going to say anything about the sexuality orientation, because im in a friend group where majority, if not all, are not cishets. yes, people like art and gaming. 

but thats it? these descriptors are such shallow answers. i can personalise a match for you, sure, but does it feel like its right? you like gaming. so what, do you like ALL games? from FPS to Dating sims to Horror games to Sports games to Adult games? do you like ALL art? Surrealism, sculpture, comics, abstract, even those where they splash paint and call it a day? really? i dont think im asking for a lot when it comes to being specific. some asks literally just go ‘im a bi female, 5′3, i like gaming and drawing, im sometimes shy but i can be sassy at times’. 

with everyone being so similar and vague, how am i supposed to give a match i feel is right? i might as well take everyones favourite boy david elizabeth strider and talk about how he likes your art and how he likes gaming and oh isnt it so great that you two like music. 

there are some unique ones, and its pretty obvious which ones they are because ive put in more love into them. and i havent been able to do that to many asks. 

and the physical descriptions. while im sure some of the characters do have types and preferences, i dont care for appearances. i dont care if youre fat or skinny, i dont care if youre tall or short, brown hair or blonde. you being morbidly obese or morbidly skinny may affect the match depending on how i feel the characters might respond to someone with those physical traits, but they shouldnt matter. 

i dont need how you look. i dont want how you look. its shallow and unimportant. it takes up space in the ask, because you could be using it to describe your personality or interests in detail. not that youre limit to one ask, you can send in an entire fucking fourteen page essay and id match you, as long as youre telling me something i can pair you with. 

telling me youre ‘chubby’ or ‘blonde’ doesnt help visualise shit. this shouldnt be new information to you or anyone else. writing shit like ‘he loves your curves!’ or ‘she likes how short you are because it makes you cute’ is bullshit and is simply self-serving nonsense. yes, its an additional bonus if your lover likes how youre short or fat, but that shouldnt be why theyre in love with you. a paragraph based on how much they like to hold you are appreciate your body is utter fucking nonsense. you appreciate your own body, and thats it. 

i dont feel inspired when i look at some of these asks. i dont feel like i should answer any of these because a) im not obligated to, this blog is just a side hobby and b) id be writing something i dont enjoy for people who might also not enjoy it. i dont deserve to sit at my laptop and write something i feel doesnt represent my work or ideas well, and the person who im matching doesnt deserve the half-assed boring paragraph of nonsense im pulling out of my ass just to clear the inbox. 

ive taken some time away from this blog and upon receiving this ask, i wanted to use the same old excuse every other blog uses: ‘we’ve been busy, so we went on an unannounced hiatus’. 

but thats not true. with the pandemic forcing lockdowns, theres essentially nothing else for us to do. if anything, this would mean that we have more time to write. 

so there it is. my truthful answer as to why nothings coming out of this blog.

part of this is my fault. i thought that maybe i could force myself to match all those vague asks that feel like theyre about the same person, just with a couple of changes. but i cant. i wont. im not going to keep writing shit i dont like, and im not going to keep giving half-assed matches, giving characters people are at the very least sure to be okay with. 

i want to write exciting, unique and adorable relationships. i thought that with the homestuck fandom being so vast and creative, maybe i would get the chance to meet and write for a couple of people who were just so different it would make pairings id never thought of. 

but nah, it looks like everything is the same. all the anon asks start to bleed together. the responses start becoming the same. im given descriptions that sound so tame, so generalised. like somehow, youre afraid of letting me know who you are as a person. or not, perhaps you just struggle with expressing yourself. thats why youre using anon to send in your ask, isnt it? 

i turned anon on because i wanted to respect privacy. i wanted people to be able to send in each and every detail about themselves while remaining behind a mask so they could get the best match without exposing every inch of themselves on a blog. maybe that was my mistake. 

ill leave the matches open, but im only going to do the ones that interest me. but if you decide that you dont give a fuck about the quality of the match, tell me or something. i have drafts that i can just post. maybe youd like that. 

-pretty obviously, mod olio.

[ifollowfugo]

hey idk if this is stupid or not but im a Big Ol Gay n id appreciate some hcs for brunos gang getting a crush on the same gender (wether its the first time or not is up to you) n howd they go about confessing? i really like your writing so far, have a nice day!

Thank you for taking the time to read my work! And it’s not stupid at all! I don’t write a lot of lovey stuff (I mean my own work) so all these beautiful requests are making my icy heart melt. Hope you like it. Have a nice day you too!

Bruno didn’t expect this to happen. Yes, he really liked him, they got along very well, shared interests and opinions, and there was no denying the beauty of the man. Ok, maybe he should have seen this coming. But he seriously didn’t want to be involved with anyone, the opportunity for that life he once longed for was far gone. He really tried to suppress those feelings but to no avail. He was dying to hold him in his arms and tell him how much he adored him. One fall afternoon, he decided to invite him to a little coffee shop on the other side of town, and treat him to some of the pastries he loved. They sat in front of each other, waiting for the food to come, as Bruno gently called his name. He explained how he had replaced every other thought in his mind and outranked everything he cared about. His life wouldn’t be complete without him anymore. He gave the most beautiful speech he could think of and hoped for the best.

Abbacchio doesn’t really understand his feelings. He doesn’t understand why does he suddenly want to spend time with him, help him whenever he needs, kill the people that hurt him. But, when he finally understands, he so pissed at himself. It bothers him that he’ll never be worthy of him. He is clearly the opposite of what his crush must be into. But he decided to go for it anyway, he can’t just not know. So he just finds him one day and confronts him.  “Here’s the deal. I like you. I think you’re beautiful, and even though I know you’re too good for me, I would make every effort to make you happy and comfortable. Do you think you can love this uninteresting man? Because I will, for as long as you let me.” Those seconds waiting for the answer were torture for him.

Mista thinks he has found his soulmate. He likes the same foods, likes the same places, enjoys the same things, shares the same favorite movies, chooses the same chilling spots, it’s unbelievable. He had never been this happy before. But now he has come to find a problem with his happiness: how was he going to tell him? He had always just called out for the girls he thought were pretty, but he didn’t just think he was pretty, he had such strong feelings he thought he was going to explode. So he decided to go simple, that had never failed him before and invited him to dinner. They shared pleasant conversation for a while until Guido gathered the courage and just confessed his feelings. Hopefully, it hadn’t taken him 4 minutes.

Narancia never really bothered himself with “feelings”. He hadn’t really had a normal puberty so all that chapter was kind of missing from his life. Everything is so new to him. When he met his crush, all he could do was stare in awe. A few months had passed until Narancia was able to talk to him, and even then he was very nervous. Not knowing what to do, he asked advice from everyone, and everyone told him to just tell him how he felt, he’d deal with the answer later. So Narancia invited them on a walk on the beach and just spilled his heart out. Sweating from every pore in his body he hoped they had understood and felt the same.

Fugo had never been interested in relationships, they’re far too complicated, require a lot of sacrifices, and it would be the logical thing not to get involved into that if the reward wasn’t worth it. He is not one for love at first sight either, so he had already known him for a while before he started to get nervous when he was in the same room. But it had to be fate, because there he was, absolutely in love with no option to deny it, thinking what the best way to tell them would be. Logically, it makes sense to find something he likes and give it to him, or go together, but he had been too afraid to ask. So he decided to take him to a special spot for him, the terrace. That’s when he always went to calm himself, and now would forever be the place where he confessed his feelings.

Giorno had been spending a lot of time with his crush, fortunately. He was very happy about it, but the fact that he kept his feelings for himself was killing him. Yes, he did this for his crush’s own well being, but he had to get it out sometime. One day, he finds his crush all beaten up and bloody, and panic arrived to replace that calm ad collected demeanor he was generally known for.  Of course, Giorno’s panic was very chilled compared to anyone else’s, but his crush could still see it. He attributed it at the friendship they shared, but then Giorno started, more calmed, to confess his feelings. This wasn’t the way he wanted to do it, but he’d never forgive himself if he never talked.

[irregulardiaryposts]

15:58 13/11/2021

im bored

with life

with everything

why am i so demotivated

why do i have such little energy to do things

the only times of the day i look forward to is going home and eating food

i keep making food even when im not hungry becuase im bored

but nothing really fills me up

this has started really sadly but in all fairness i am listening to mitski.

update time i suppose: im in uni now, i dont remember the last time i wrote but i know i havent since starting uni. i was soooo bored before starting uni i think i wouldve rathered a job than sitting around doing nothing, and i hate the idea of having a job. then i was really anxious about staring uni coz i didnt go to freshers week so i didnt know the area at all and i didnt know anyome and i hadnt interacted with people in such a long time i didnt know how to talk to strangers. i still dont, i feel so out of touch with everyone. if i were to describe how i feel i would say lonely but in truth not much has changed, so maybe ive always been lonely. i just dont notice it at this point. theres no excitement in my life but i feel there should be. i just cant connect with strangers, i dont know how to talk, idk if what im saying to them is relevant or makes any sense or if im just the weirdo that doesnt understand how to speak. but i also dont think id like the opposite, i dont think ill ever have many friends, proper friends. i only really have one person that i can be myself with but i dont see her much. im supposed to want to go out to clubs and make loads of friends and have new experiences but i feel so restricted and that i cannot do any of those things coz of my age and that i dont think im the type of person anyone would invite to those things. unis a new experience but its the same as school, im surrounded by people i feel i cant really talk to without ostracizing myself, im overwhelmed with the workload because i cannot focus enough to do it and i feel so different from everyone else. except this time i dont really have friends to laugh with over lunch. i keep everything bottled now and i feel it sitting heavy within me. im uninterested in my life, im not even depressed coz i can still function 'normally' but i feel like a robot not really experiencing anything. i want more hobbies but that costs money i dont have. i want to draw and paint but i cannot put any energy into finishing things, or i get distracted, or bored by it. i want to watch more stuff, have things im interested in and keep up with but that takes up so much effort. i still read i guess just not books because theyre too much work. but even that is unfulfilling. how do people go through life feeling like this. i went to a halloween party but ultimately that bored me too because the people were boring so i drank too much and ignored people to play mariokart. why are other people so boring, is it just i cant connect with them enough to see how they arent boring? do i demand too much of them to ask them to be interesting? that sounds kinda terrible. im too independent to the point i am isolated from everyone else. this is just me wallowing in my misery this isnt even a good update. i dont know what i want out of life and it weighs on me. i know i dont have to have it figured out but its hard not having a goal or any wants in life. i was gonna say i want a gf but that wouldnt fix anything. i just want to be understood and have friends, genuine friends, but idk who would wanna be friends with the person i pretend to be. but the 'real' me is too much. how do i be in between. how can i be enough but not too much. i try to romanticise my life sometimes but i know thats because im woefully bored with existence.

bleugh bluh bleh blaugh bahbahabwefbhhbfwjh

byebye

[callonb]

GYBurst of Inspiration/Motivation

Where does inspiration come from? - Snacks I recorded a song with Samuel Hawkins recently and that was the first line of his verse. Lately thats been on my mind more and more. Where does my inspiration come from and why cant I always bask in its motivational energies? Seems that my drive comes and goes with the moon phases or as planets enter and leave our orbit. Could be the skys dictating my moods and movements (which i think it does have an effect) or it could be the mass amount of coffee and tea i drink a day. Definitely important factors but not quite the source. My mom definitely motivates me, she believes in everything Im doing and helps every way that she can. Its not financially but sometimes emotional support is more important. Shouts out to Momma B you the realist. Same for my homies and not homies as in people i force myself to be around, cuz having friends is what you do. Actual family that i grew up with and have developed a relationship with, the GYB family. The ones who sat me down years ago and was like dude...... you need to take this rap shit seriously. The ones who are now getting more and more involved with the movement every day, pushing everything to the side and riding along with my dream and making them their own. Everyday the homies are pushing to help me create this vision for you guys as they've adopted it as their own. Like minds on the prize, Shouts out the Layer homies. That only seems to be half of it tho, and Ive never felt this type of fire burning inside me before so what is it? Magazine drama and BS doesn't motivate me, Music doesn't seem to hit me the same way anymore. I used to listen to music constantly, new rap definitely doesn't do it for me.....makes me feel lower. New tv shows dont do it for me im bored with most of the popular shows out. Same for games or just typical activities that people partake in. Partys, drugs, random hook ups...It all seems so blah to me and im completely uninterested. I learned I have to stop feeding my lower self and focus on my higher self and what that part of my being truly wants and thats to CREATE!!! Whenever im around an environment that drives me to create and push myself i perform better. So i guess i just realized what really inspires me, and thats a creative environment. Who is responsible for this? Well I saw the Rotunda Project last weekend at Maiden Alley, a collaborative piece by Fairseas. The Fairseas are a group of musicians named Jeran Simmons, Bobby Dowell, Codie Franklin and Shanden Simmons. I watched them plant this seed years ago and now its a giant tree that you can sit back and marvel in its greatness. The main theme of the film was collaborating with your community. I cant lie ive had many many thoughts of leaving my community to collaborate elsewhere but ive came to a realization recently that it isnt necessary. To my surprise and probably a lot of people around here, there is a bubbling hip hop scene around here that is about to explode. Ive started to invest my time and efforts into this scene now and received nothing but results. Shanden has been a major influence in my artistry because he is always honest, encouraging and persistent....three very important characteristics to have in a creative environment and on top of that has become one of what i would consider my best friends. I look at him as one of my GYBrothers. On to the hip hop scene around here tho..... mysterious person named "A" aka the Hollow Man and he is one of the most promising producers/writers around. His solo stuff is outstanding and the collaboration effort we are working on "A & B: The Empire" is next level. Its been well over a year in the making and will shock most people when they hear the new styles i bring to the tape compared to my previous work. A always challenges me to be very intelligent when I piece together my verses and I like that. He makes me want to grab a dictionary and start reading so I can match his extensive vocabulary.....and maybe I have done that lol. Im the ONLY artist that the mystery man works with at the moment and that hits me now in a way it never has before. Like why me, do I really have something in my music that would make this beyond talented artist spend his time and efforts to make beats for us to collab on and want to include me in everything he does? His beats are above any producer Ive ever heard even in the big leagues of the rap game its crazy but he will prolly have his own GYBlog entry about him eventually. I have to move on before i make this to long lol. Next is JSkrilla, I have met the Skrilla a few times in passing but i dont think we realized what each other really could offer the other. Until i ran into him at the damn ROTUNDA PROJECT.....back around full circle. After that we decided to get together. We showed each other some of our music. I didnt know he made dope beats as well as spit hot fucking fire but he does. We shared our philosophies for our craft and talked hip hop and all sorts of other randomness. Then we picked a beat and wrote a song on the spot. Bar for bar back and forth. J stressed to me it had been a LONG time since he had been able to just sit down and write with another emcee that wasnt intimidated by his ability to write on the spot, or to match his caliber of wordplay and rhyme schemes. To both mine and his delight I delivered. Skrilla really challenged me tho, most artist get so caught up in the main stream BS or conforming to certain concepts and topics in their verses that it had been a while since I had felt pressure when writing to make sure my bars are up to par. Felt good to feel that energy again i had been missing the want to become better and that leads me to the main cause of my motivation and my improvments or just overall attitude change whatever you want to call it. the TRYBE!!!! Snacks, B. James, and Waun D. are the Cerberus of this rap shit. I have a lot to owe to them. GYB and Trybe share the same values as far as what we hope to contribute to the culture of arts and musics and how we hope to impact the hip hop community as well as the communities we all live in. I have done one show with them and have multiple other ones lined up with them. As a matter a fact i cant see myself doing a show with anyone but them from here on out. Once again them as well as JSkrilla could have their own full length blog entry but i digress for the sake of your attention lol. The Trybe challenges me to be a better emcee by making me freestyle. Which if you have been around me doing music ive never been a good freestyler.....UNTIL NOW!!! They have cracked that shell and brought me out of it. Making me partake in their cyphers everytime we get together. Soon Ill be as smooth off the top as i am with the writtens then its over for everyone! Sharpening my skills is not something that other rappers really push you to do. Rap is very competitive and braggadocios so pushing someone to improve and possible be better than you is unheard of. The Trybe doesnt see it that way though, they want us all to grow together. With a shared love for hip hop and me and Snacks shared love for Anime we can talk for hours and hours before we realize we havent done any music lol. Everytime I hear a new Trybe song i feel my artistry being challenged. The message in their music makes me want to really focus on the concepts i present in my music and start challenging my self to pretty much step my game up. Between Skrilla, "A", and TrYbe, everything new I hear makes me question my latest bars which is exactly what I need. Hip Hop is my life and my love and above any amount of money i can potentially make off this art is the desire to be the best emcee to ever grab a mic and thats the same mindset i had when i originally picked up the pen and decided i would be a rapper. Before i saw 8 mile and realized that being a white rapper wasnt necessarily accepted, before all the laughs, all the hate and just general shade i received for my dreams. Being white in this game is a roadblock but for the first time these guys made me realize that i have overcame that hurdle 100 times over. I had a long talk with the Trybe last night and they gave me a boost of confidence that finally fully ignited that fire i had lit but tried to conceal. Im no longer worried about what is cool or what people want. I just want to create and you will more than likely like it because I do have skills that i myself had been sleeping on. I hear these artist like A, Skrilla, and Trybe and i felt underneath them but now i see my self as an equal. We all have different things we bring to the table that compliment each other and its time to put it all together and make it happen. Plus we all just fucking dope and there is no denying. This is my new goal. No more time wasted on what i "think" is the right move. Im going to follow what i KNOW to be the right path and follow my heart. Thats challenging myself with these artist and like minded individuals to always be better. Also as Snacks has said before "move at LIGHT SPEED" thats just what Ill do with my light brothers here. We like some damn warriors of this rap shit waging war against a evil corrupt entity but thats also for a whole separate entry lol But no war of this caliber is complete without a general so shoutout to SirDuke. Ive also recently became friends with this crazy dude and he has shown me in just the short time ive known him more love and support than some people ive known my whole life. He also inspires me because he has dedicated his life to serve and protect (literally) and most importantly LEAD. He has an army of pretty much every hood and every rapper in each of them just waiting for his call. and he is not leading them astray, Shoutout the Kollektiv. Duke is also a talented singer and emcee. He has a show with me tomorrow at the Hangover in Murray MAKE SURE YOU COME TO THAT AND SEE MY NEW ALBUM CONSCIOUS TRAP PERFORMED LIVE starting at 9pm. but yeah Duke is dope and I can appreciate his leadership skills and what he hopes to accomplish in his community by cleaning it up through music. He is rubbing off on my and motivating me to hold that same position with my Layer army of GYB homies ive assembled. Most of them are clueless about the industry and music so its up to me to guide and lead them so they can be their own selves and make it in this world without the middle man down your neck. Im going to wrap this up because it ended up being way longer than i intended but i wanted to also say to my fellow collaborators and friends above all. Wolf, Golden Wrist Banks, Trevell, Dope, Simple, Benji and Angel Mascato. You guys have MAD SKILLS. You guys inspire me too because I hear something different in your music than i hear from most. I want you all to continue to grow and expand your creativity to new levels. Tell YOUR story. The same story is constantly told but how will you tell YOURS in the true challenge. So i encourage you guys like i have been recently, step outside of the norm and do what you truly feel in your heart that you need to, fuck what everyone else wants from you just create the way you feel appropriate. A lot of you are working with Duke regularly and I think he will tell you the same thing I am now. Even if its certain people in your lives holding you back, they gotta go. Surround yourself with positive people that want to grow with you instead of out grow you and you will see the same results. Probably why you guys were all on my latest album, except Trevell im sorry and you should have been but you know the deal homie its all love. Frank.....dammit man just rap lol but anyways ill end it on this note. Getting in touch with that child like mind state and that pureness of love in my heart again. Losing all my intentions to want to be better and out do someone but rather COLLABORATE with like minds in my community has already in return pushed me forward in a lot of ways. Seems almost as if they had been waiting on me this whole time. Its certain that my actions are now speaking louder than my words and everyone is starting to catch on. including myself finally. If you read this far thank you and I love you. Youre more than likely part of the reason why i typed this or why i even continue to do what i do. I trust you guys just as much as you trust ill deliver. Have a great day, maybe you can draw inspiration from this or some of the same people or things that i do! So put down that magazine full of empty content and read something meaningful that you are interested in, turn off the news and watch some anime, stop playing shooter games and play final fantasy, stop eating out and prepare your own meals, dont listen to music just play instrumentals and freestlye every day or just make your own, quit scrolling on facebook and take a stroll around the block, only spend time with those that help you grow rather than keep you low. So much inspiration out there sometimes we just have to break away from what we are used to in order to pull from the experience. Now im really done. and excuse my poor grammer and probably a shit load of spelling errors. That wont ever change, these blog post are run on sentences of my thoughts that pass through my head every day. Sometimes i just take the time to jot them out as they pass. PEACE LOVE AND GYB!!

[cratersofme-blog]

August 14, 2016

When we left high school I was lost, and I didnt have any hop of meeting friends. I didnt want to get close to anyone because I was too mad at you for not being there. Little did I know that you were looking out for me by keeping your distance. Although I felt as if I deserved to know, I still carried on. So much, that I even Tattooed “Dont ever change” because you told me not too. And I did change. I became something I wasnt. Ask everyone at JJAY, they always knew something was off about me. It was the fact that I didnt have you. And they all noticed that when you came, you were all I needed and the empty void was filled. You talk about that picture, it wasnt even about the picture. It was the fact that for once I felt like you were pulling away from me because of Riyad, and I still do. One day you guys will get close because that’s how you are. You tend to care. I hated seeing that you kept trying to make sure he ate and all of that because it took years for us to get to that level and it took him less than a month. So when I got shut down I felt shut out. Like you have no clue what it means to me that I even get to experience it. You send these vibes that cause all my muscles to contract, and slowly release into a peace I cant get anywhere else.

You talk about suicide, and believe me I know we all have our moments. But after what I told you? You feel guilty bringing it up? Yes I love her. But cant you see how much I need you. Suicide has been on my mind for years, everytime I drink. I want to hit things to make sure I can feel. You feel worthless? You have parents and a family who care. I do to, but not like that. Imagine all of this, Farishta, my ten year secret, everything Ive done, school, friends, my bros, videogames, work, and the gym. Do you know what kind of burden that puts on you? No, but thats not my point. My point is, that regardless of how heavy the burden may get, you keep me in check. I do it for you. I keep going because thats what you would want. And im sad because I cant do the same for you. May allah take your life today? I look up, and say “ see you soon” to Vinny, my grandfather, and even Farishta.

You have no idea what you mean to me. The pain? I dont care if it never subsides. Aslong as I have you. So I’m fucking sorry im acting like this.. because I feel like.. im losing you.

—————————

Alvin you don’t understand how much I get this. I feel just the way you feel. But you’re not understanding what our conversation was about. You bringing up high school and college is what we’ve built on. This is something what we’ve been through. Your tattoo and everything you mentioned is the base of our relationship. What you’re telling me is something I’ve been appreciated and still do. And I understand where you’re coming from. I feel like you’re making me feel so bad by mentioning our past. Our past is beautiful and we’ve built from it and what you’ve done for me is what I’ve built on. For you to bring this up right now though during our argument has no correlation. You’re brining up our past and then brining up Riyad the next second. You mentioned how easy it was for Riyad and I to get close in a month. One month with me is nothing. Four to five years with you means everything. We’ve literally attached our lives together. That’s where our effort is. That’s what will always bring me back to you. Riyad and I have nothing, and I haven’t even spoken to him all day and it’s funny because I actually forgot until I went though my messages. Its not about one month. It’s about the history and depth that we have that I will never have with Riyad.

I guess I should’ve spoken to you about it. I wish I would’ve seen that but just understand that I saw it in a different point of view. You got the idea that I shut you down but I wish you can see the amount of respect I was giving to Raveena and you breaking the promise. Now that I know it’s okay to bring it up I will do so. Each time we go through something like these we learn from each other and where our comfort zones are. We’re still learning from each other and you’re teaching me how to get to you in better ways and that’s what I want. It put me in such a position where you broke a promise and here is a girl who went though something a human should never have to go through. I was in such a position I didn’t know if I should bring it up. But now I know that I can. We hadn’t gone through a specific situation where it’s our significant other involved. And trust me you don’t need feel shut downed because I have literally had this in the back of my mind since you told me.

And honestly the only reason why I keep going and I’m strong each day is because I know at the end of day I want to spend it by speaking to you and not ever missing another moment of ours together. That’s what I hold onto. So don’t be sad that you can’t do the same for me when in fact you are. And that’s the honest truth. And for the record. You’re not loosing me. You never will. Even when I die. I’ll be haunting you.

———————— On the phone:

I’m jealous. You know that. Didn’t know what to do. Jealousy caused me to be funny with everyone. Bothered me. Brushing it off. Tried to. It’s not that serious told myself to relax. I can’t lie. It bothers me. I can’t find a way around it. Something I have to deal with on my own. Can’t say anything to change how I feel. I don’t get it. So I don’t except me to get it. Idk makes me feel like you want to talk him. I’m not gonna lie. This is going to put a wedge between us until I figure it out. It wasn’t about the picture. That’s the way my mind was working. Convincing myself to be different. Kept being disappointing. You’re everything I’ve always want. Hard to admit. But it’s true. It’s me. I don’t think anyone else had an impact the kind you have on me. It’s so foreign. I get what you have to say. The message you’re conveying I get. Idk what else you can say to change what I feel. I can’t do much else. Who I’m with you is someone you wouldn’t want. When I was distant there was way more. What happened when you become uninteresting. I can’t say that you can say that to me and mean it. I was mad at myself. Can’t change how I feel.

The whole thing with raveena. I don’t want to talk about it. I learned today about a person in a position of power can only understand his life if he looks at two directions at once. Past and presence and future. I get it. I told you that stuff in confidence. The reason I drank is not only you. It was everything else. No one saved me. Not even you. I was gone.

Suicide. At a point you don’t know what it’s like and know that they did that because they felt unloved. You’re not unloved you know that. I’ll give you a 110 and all if you needed it. I’ll give you all. I really don’t know. I decided this Riyad thing distant thing if it puts a wedge between us I can’t do anything about. What’s done is done. I’m exhausted. Don’t have time to be mad. Don’t have time to think about this problem I’ll think she lied she’ll keep me from being hurt don’t keep things from me. I don’t want you here if you’ll keep things from me. I just don’t. That’s not how I work. I give you 110 all the time. I only did it with you. I kept my distant from all these people because only one gained my trust.

You’re not some hoe. I genuinely love you. There’s a feeling when I think of you I can’t explain. It was a test for the picture. I wanted you at the same time. When I look at you I close my eyes or where ever I am I think of us I get goosebumps. Feelings that make my muscles contract cause it consumes and I’ve never felt it with anyone else but you. I gave up once I felt like you were pulling away. If I feel like this insecure worrying about texting Riyad or not I guess it’s worth it if I have you right that’s all I gotta say for myself. Not much you can say because it won’t change anything.