#im still nauseous and have a headache. but its like normal levels now

[skenpiel]

WHEW!!!!! got home from school time to try and go to bed since i woke up sick after one hour this morning….

[marvinswriting]

Loud

prompt: my dog hates the fireworks on 4th of july, do you think tinies (cough, janis, cough) hate it too?

my poor bby, and yeah, probably ALSO I GOT THIS ASK LIKE, JULY SECOND BUT IM HERE POSTING IT NOW AND THAT'S CALLED PUTTING IN THE WORK TO FINISH MY WIPS INSTEAD OF STARTING A NEW ONE, its a rare occurrence.

Fourth of July is a shitty holiday if you ask Janis. Why do you need to set off loud fireworks just to brag about freedom? And why do fireworks have to be so loud? Surely you can design them to be just as pretty but a little quieter.

She was with Damian, Cady, Aaron, and the plastics. They were at the Heron's because Cady's neighbors did some cool firework shows. 

Janis never left the house for the fourth of July. Some years she'd hang out with Damian, but he knew how much she hated the fireworks so most times she stayed home, in bed. 

Unfortunately, this year she had been cornered by Regina and Aaron begging her to come. She doesn't know why she said yes, but as she sat in the palms of Damian's hands as they all watched the sky grow dim, she was mentally preparing for the worst. 

Janis could tell Regina was nervous too. Something Janis distinctly remembered when she was plastic, that Regina George hates fireworks. Maybe as much as Janis. The two of them would hang inside together the whole day, earplugs in and music blasting.

But Regina for the most part seemed to have outgrown that.

Janis, on the other hand, did not. She had an arm wrapped around Damian's finger as the group watched the sunset. 

Janis knew Damian was worried about her tonight. It had been a while since she had been with a group for fourth of July. And not to mention the fireworks were only across the street this time. 

Janis tried not to think of it as she tuned into the conversation going on around her. 

Aaron was complaining about how he should have gotten earplugs and the three tinies were gonna go deaf. Janis laughed a bit, nodding. 

The group continues on with their talks and Janis only half listened. 

The sunset slowly faded away to navy blue swirls mixed into dark clouds. 

Janis watched Regina get tense and it made her feel a bit better that she wasn't the only one freaking out about this a bit. 

The first familiar hiss took all of that confidence away as Janis ducked down behind Damian's curled fingers. He laughed softly, cupping his hands more, allowing her to sink down further.

There was a loud boom, followed by bright and beautiful colors, and for a second Janis though it would be okay. She lifter herself further out from behind Damian's fingers, watching the bright colors fizz away. From her house, all she can hear are the pops, no real beauty.

But then more came. One after the other loud bangs all around.

It was a lot.

Janis's head hurt. 

She could vaguely hear Regina ask Karen to take her inside and Janis knew she should do the same, but she was too concentrated on the forever ringing in her ears.

The pretty flashing lights all around her suddenly meant nothing. 

Too much noise.

Too many flickering colors.

Too many people cheering.

The hand beneath Janis shifted as Damian placed her silently in his pocket. She dipped into the pocket without protest, trying to escape the overload of noises and sights and-

Her head was spinning and her ears were ringing. 

Sombody needs to invent quiet fireworks.

"Janis?"

It was quieter. 

Damian had followed Karen inside. 

Janis popped her head out, cringing as another bang sounded from outside. 

Damian's hand scooped her out, placing her onto the table next to Regina. "You okay?"

Janis couldn't tell if it was her heart or her head that was pounding. It very well could be both. The counter beneath her felt cool, but not as cold as the airconditioning. It was a harsh contrast to the heat outside. Each boom made Janis curl up on herself a little more but- it was better in here by far.

"Yeah." She said after a while. 

"Why did we do this." Regina groaned. 

"It was literally your idea!" Janis said turning to the girl.

Damian laughed. "If they can still fight with each other, they'll be fine."

As if the world was out to directly contradict his point, a series of loud booms went off, one after the other. 

Janis stiffened, trying not to jump with each noise. She knew she wasn't in danger, yet her fight or flight was kicking in hard. 

It felt as though her brain was trying to concentrate on everything at once. 

The ac had kicked on again, a cold breeze blowing past Janis.

Regina was mumbling something about a headache. 

The front door opened, Cady's voice filling the room.

Janis was staring at the surface beneath her, trying to memorize the pattern in the counter. To concentrate on anything other than the noise.

Damian was talking, maybe to her, maybe not. 

Aaron was placed on the counter next to her and Regina.

There were still booms. 

The counter was tiled, small little pieces of polished stone sat underneath Janis.

Another boom.

The rocks were all warm neutral colors.

Three more quick booms.

They were all uniformly square-shaped.

Everyone was talking.

It wasn't working.

The room felt like it was lacking air. Every deep breath Janis took wasn't nearly as filling as it should be. 

A familiar hand slipped underneath her. Janis didn't fight it. She knew it was Damian without looking up. She was worried about other things. 

She shut her eyes, trying to will the headache to go away. She could feel Damian hold her close and walk somewhere, but the motion just made her nauseous. 

This is why she stays home.

Fucking Regina, convincing her this would be a good idea.

Wherever Damian went was quieter, but the headache was still there.

Janis could hear a ghost boom echo through her head.

She should be in bed right now.

Texting Damian, under the blankets, earbuds in. 

Janis leaned closer to Damian's chest, gripping his shirt tightly. She tried to concentrate on the fabric in her hands, ignoring the buzz in her head, the way the world spun when she opened her eyes. She focused on the shirt Damian was wearing. The way it felt gathered in her fists, and against her face. 

Damian was humming. 

Its the first thing she noticed once her breathing felt normal.

She couldn't hear the fireworks over the soft hum coming from Damian. 

She didn't know what song or tune it was, but it was nice. 

Janis looked around. They were in Cady's room, Karen and Regina were there too. Karen was holding Regina in her hands while sitting on Cady's bed. Damian stood by the doorway. 

"Cady and Aaron are still downstairs," Karen says when she notices Janis looking over. "It's quieter up here, volume emoji, shh face emoji."

"You okay, Jan?" Damian asks, holding her up so she's eye level. "Things got unbearably loud for Karen and I, I can only imagine how you guys felt."

Regina groans in response. Janis let out a breath laugh. "Yeah, me too, Gina."

Damian smiles. "Wanna leave for the night? You can stay with me."

Janis thought about it for a moment. It wasn't late, but she was coming down from her adrenaline high fast, and the crash was inevitable. 

"Sure." She said finally.

Damian nods before shifting Janis so she was cupped to his chest with one hand. They both said their goodbyes to Karen and Regina, who didn't seem to be doing much better than Janis, before Damian head downstairs. Aaron, being the lucky bitch, seemed fine, but both he and Cady were understanding as they left. 

As Damian made way to his car, Janis already felt her eyelids get heavy. There were still fireworks going off, but they were in the distance, not directly outside. Damian was humming again and Janis couldn't help but smile. 

Yeah, fourth of July sucks. And yeah, today was no exception to past years, but that didn't mean the night couldn't end great. The gang can find a time to hang out altogether when there's not an overwhelming amount of loud noises. For now, falling asleep with Damian didn't seem like the worst idea for the books.

not the best ive ever done but hey,,, its content lmao

tag list <3 @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[tamsalvation]

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety, as it has become too overwhelming again, and making my depression spiral. I end up in the doctors office, therapists office, psych ward every few years looking for help. I can’t breathe, I can’t calm down, I’m not hungry. I want help to breathe, I need to calm down. That my body doesn’t listen to my brain, that my body is in a constant state of panic, and it doesn’t know how to be. Any little stress, that I know I can handle, but my body over-reacts. I want control of my body. I want my body to listen to my brain, I want my body to trust my brain that it will work out and I have a plan, and it can calm down, I want my body to understand that I am safe now, and stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to protect me anymore.

 I don’t know how to calm my body down, when it has built itself up to a point, where I am so stressed, every breathe I try to take is difficult.  One therapist explained it to me that I seem to be in a constant state of fight or flight, as my symptoms, are all what your body does when it is in that state. My muscles are tense, my stomach is empty which is ideal, I always have to go pee, every two – three hours or so, the more stressed I am the more often I have to go.

  http://www.youngdiggers.com.au/fight-or-flight

 What is fight or flight response?

This is the body’s response to perceived threat or danger. During this reaction, certain hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are released, speeding the heart rate, slowing digestion, shunting blood flow to major muscle groups, and changing various other autonomic nervous functions, giving the body a burst of energy and strength. Originally named for its ability to enable us to physically fight or run away when faced with danger, it’s now activated in situations where neither response is appropriate, like in traffic or during a stressful day at work. When the perceived threat is gone, systems are designed to return to normal function via the relaxation response, but in our times of chronic stress, this often doesn’t happen enough, causing damage to the body.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a psychological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The fight-or-flight response was first described in the 1920s by American physiologist Walter Cannon. Cannon realised that a chain of rapidly occurring reactions inside the body help mobilise the body's resources to deal with threatening circumstances.

In response to acute stress, the body's sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulates the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline. This results in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. After the threat is gone, it takes between 20 to 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels.

The fight-or-flight response is also known as the acute stress response. Essentially, the response prepares the body to either fight or flee the threat. It is also important to note that the response can be triggered due to both real and imaginary threats.

This is how I live everyday and every moment of my life, for as long as I can remember, I am in a constant state of fight or flight.  I am prone to getting more aggressive when my anxiety spikes.  I have to speak up, to calm my anxiety, I have to correct what is going wrong, I have to fix it and make it better, I have to educate. I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the empathy, the understanding, the caring, to help out and make things better. I like to come up with plans, I have all these great ideas. I need the ability to communicate, respectfully, without haste or panic, irritability. I need my voice to come from the good parts of me, and not be hindered and swallowed by the panic my body is going through. I need my body to trust my mind, and not overreact.  

 Every moment of my childhood was spent being panicked, that something would happen to upset my mother, I was always on guard to make sure everything went smoothly. I am a child of abuse, and my body is stuck in fight or flight. I don’t even remember the last time I was hungry. I eat because I know I have to, to survive. When my life gets a little stressful, and my body goes into anxiety hard core, just the smell of food makes me nauseous. I have to do breathing exercises to calm my body down, so I can eat. I want to eat without needing to take deep breathes before every bite, just so I can get some food into my body. Luckily, I love liquids, I am always thirsty, I drink a lot of liquid, I can get my vitamins, minerals and proteins from drinks, but food would be nice, I miss food so much, I miss wanting food. I’m sick of living, that it is that time of day for food so I should eat something, I enjoy the taste of food, I just want my body to want and enjoy it as much as my mind does. I’m sick of only feeling hunger pains, and not the want that should come before the pain.  I’m sick of not being able to eat too much when I do eat. That if I try to eat too much, my body throws it up. I just want to be able to eat an appetizer and dinner, but my body has decided that is too much food, and my stomach is not allowed to be that full up. Needs to be in prime position for fight or flight.

   I don’t know what it’s like not to have the muscles on top of my lungs being tense. The degree to which I cannot breathe always increasing and decreasing. Even when I am happy, my body is stressed, even at home all alone in my safe place, I am still tense. When I go to the doctors, when I cannot take my bodys reaction to my stresses anymore, when I cant handle it anymore, when I start to feed the anxiety as I cant handle my stress when I get taken over by this underlying issue. I go them telling them I cant breathe, for days now, I haven’t eaten for days, Im not hungry and food smells so nauseous to me. That my muscles are so tense, its causing muscle pains. That when I do get food into me, my body is so stressed, it cannot calmly process it, and my digestive system hurts, and I get diarrhea.  I eat all the healthy foods to make me happy, and it doesn’t matter, will come out stressed. My stomach will rumble and be in pain. I just want to eat, I just want to breathe. I want my body to calm down. I want my body to listen and trust my mind, to understand stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to overreact like this.

 My mind is in a good place, overall. I have casual existential despair. The depression will always be there, suicidal thoughts. I can tell you though whenever someone asks me if I am suicidal enough, if I think of actually killing myself do, I have a plan, I always tell them, I am not on psychiatric medicine right now, and the only time when it is that serious is what those pills do to me. I can guarantee part of my plan to kill myself, is that I have to be on the pills, as they cut me off from my emotions and everything, and they would give me the strength to harm myself in that way. I have been on and off psych meds all my life. The times when I have gotten past the terrors of the first few weeks of the psych meds, and stayed on them for 3,6,9 months or so. EVERY time I have come off them, as I got to the point where I was going to do, I was going to kill myself, I couldn’t take the feeling nothing at all anymore, as the only thing worse to me, then feeling sad and overwhelmed, is feeling nothing at all, no sadness, but no more happiness either, I feel NOTHING when I am on those drugs, I am in a waking coma, I am zombie, I am not attached to me. But EVERY time, when I stayed on them, when I got to the point where it was time to do it, time to put it all in action, I choose life every time. I choose that it was the drug, and not me making this decision. EVERY time, I stopped taking them cold turkey, and guess what, no withdrawal symptoms. I refused to take another pill as I choose LIFE. I want to make this world a better place, I don’t want people to suffer anymore, I want to help.  Psychiatric meds are some of the most addictive pills out there, if you go past the time you were supposed to take them, your body starts to go through the worst withdrawals ever.  The pain everywhere, uncontrollable shaking, the headache, the stomach ache.  You have to slowly ween yourself off, they strongly do not recommend just going off them.

 I have tried just taking anxiety pills, however those were at times when I was really depressed as well. When the anxiety was gone, there was nothing to panic and worry me about the dark thoughts, and the dark thoughts just took over, I never lasted more than 3 weeks on anxiety pills, most times I only last a few days. The doctors refuse to give me one time use, anti anxiety meds, just so I can breathe for a bit, to put my depression into a better place. The anxiety meds do something to my head and it makes me really sad. I don’t need my head in a better place, I can get that there myself, It is exhausting me having to fight my body every day.  I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want my body to relax.

 The doctors keep trying to treat my mind, when its my body I have lost control of. I feel like my body has betrayed me, that I have no control over it.  I have been doing breathing, and sensory exercise since I was in the single digits. My head is full of self confidence, I believe in myself so much, I don’t care about others opinions of me, that is a reflection of them and their character and not of me. I am a good, caring, intelligent, brave, strong, independent woman. I am an example and role model of this, I am a leader. I need to be able to stand confidently in my body, and not have my body betray me, and be stressed out all the time, I need to calm and relax my body. I need to convince it, that it is ok, and it can calm down now, we are safe now. You don’t need to do this to me anymore.

 I can’t live with my body being stressed like this, it is so exhausting and takes such a toll on my mental health.  When do I get to be me. I want this to end, so yes I entertain dark thoughts, however most are me trying to be me, and this wonderful person I want to be.  Just because everyday I struggle with this, as its there everyday, my will to conquer this is stronger. I just don’t want to live like this my whole life, and wonder when will the pain stop, when will my body finally calm down and let me be.

 I go to the doctors as I cant breathe, when it gets so bad, I can hyperventilate for hours. When it gets to the point when it’s a few days in a row, of 4-8 hours a day, where I am hyperventilating it is stressful. I go about my life, as I hyperventilate, as I don’t let it stop me. Sure when its triggered, it’s a full on anxiety attack, crying cant breathe, usually a rant of some kind coming out of mouth. Then I calm my mind, and I wait for my body to catch up. I go back to what I was doing, and eventually I know I will stop hyperventilating, that my breathe will slow, and go back to that tense breathing standard, instead of the hyper breathing.  I want to not overreact when stressful situations occur, I want to be able to communicate, the well thought out words I have in my head. Sometimes my body panics and it takes my head with it, but I calm myself down, as my head has no tolerance for my own BS.  I don’t talk negatively to myself. Some outside stimulus, whether people,  technology, etc something out of my control, sets me off.  And my body overreacts before I can get the words together that I needed to fix the issue. I need my body to cooperate with me. I need to calm my body down. My mind can only do so much, I have lost control of my body, and I need to gain that control back. I need it to stop being in a constant state of fight or flight.

 I am constantly tired, its exhausting. I love sleep, my body gets to rest for a bit. I don’t like how the psych meds make you drowsy, I want to feel more alive not more tired. The sleep on them is not as restful either. I have so many alarms set already as I don’t like to wake, I sleep through some, turn some off in my sleep, and eventually they start to wake me, I hit snooze for awhile then get up, on the doctors drugs, I turn all the alarms off, or just straight up sleep through them, till they turn themselves off, I am so tired on them, when I am awake, I still feel like sleep always, hence the zombie feeling. I have constant dry mouth, I’m always thirsty, I don’t want a pill that will make it worse. The pills can make you not hungry.

 I want someone to treat my body and not my mind. If my mind could convince my body it is ok, and it can calm down now, I would have already. My anxiety was so bad as a child, at 5 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD and insomnia, and was put on ADHD meds, and sleeping pills to sleep at night.  At 5 years old I couldn’t explain, that yes it can take me awhile to fall asleep but once I am out I am out, I love sleep, and can sleep 8-12 hours or more. That I don’t generally get tired till between 12-2, and prefer to wake between 9-11 am. When I go to bed between 12-2 and was ready for bed, it will take me 30 min to an hour to fall asleep. If I go to bed, when I am not tired yet, or way too early, I take 2-3 hours to fall asleep.  When I am tired I will go to sleep. The rest of my family put a stop to the ADHD and sleeping meds when I was 6 or 7, and I learned how to hide that I wasn’t sleeping, I also learned how when I realized I was tired, after being in bed for hours, how to get myself to sleep in less than 10 minutes.

 I saw all different therapists from age 5-18, the one I started to see when I was 5, I aged out of, as only dealt with young children, after that I bounced around with therapists. Also in and out of foster homes, so saw all kinds of workers and supports, took all kinds of classes to make me better.  My mother says she had measles as a baby, and it caused brain damage, and that is what is wrong with her, she was in a few psych wards as I was growing up. There is something just not right about her, there are disconnects, she can take things in her own way, and take things very badly. She doesn’t always know what’s truth and what’s made up.  She is the only one to talk to me and explain it. My family can confirm the measles, but I don’t know if the brain damage is a story she has made up in her head, to explain to herself, why she behaves like she does. Please vaccinate, measles can be eradicated, no baby should be in the hospital for measles.

  Never once in my life, did one of my mothers doctors sit me down and talk to me about my mother. No one explained to me what was wrong and how I can help her. I took lots of classes on leadership, I went to therapists to help me deal with how I can handle my mother, and not take her personally, to help me be strong enough to survive her and take care of her.  I have been taught so well, how to build myself up and not let any one tear me down. I believe in myself, and know how amazing I am. I was my mothers primary caregiver, support, friend as a child.  I have cut contact multiple times with my mother over my life, my mother is mean, she is jealous. I always have to worry about her harsh criticism of everything. My mother doesn’t criticize my knowledge she knows I am smart, she is very proud to have raised a smart, independent, strong woman. It was very important to her when I was growing up to have strong female role models, she tried her best, she wants me to succeed in life so badly. She doesn’t like my clothing or hair choices, I don’t exercise enough, sometimes I am fat. I am underweight, the most I have ever weighed in my life is 145lbs, I am 5 foot 6, that is a healthy weight for me. I reached my height at 12 years old, for every part but that one year I put on a bit of weight, I have weighed between 100-125lbs, most of the time I sit between 110-120. I am always trying to put on weight. I am trying to get my body healthy.  

 My mother stopped working when I was 7, and that’s when it went from bad at home to worse. Work gave her migraines. She is still on disability, still has migraines, other physical pains have manifested in her body. When my mother stayed home all day, she stopped cleaning and I took over cleaning the house. When I didn’t clean something well enough, it showed and proved to her, that I didn’t love her. I would have to convince her that I do love her, I just missed that part of cleaning. I was terrified of cleaning poorly, as it would set off my mother, she would cry, and insist that I hate her, that I did it on purpose to hurt her, she would take a missed spot of cleaning personal.  I always helped my mother clean, I remember being three and cleaning the bathroom, that was the room my mother hated cleaning the most, and one of the first responsibilities I had around the house.  If I missed a hair while cleaning the bathroom, I was grounded. As I wasn’t cleaning properly, I didn’t care about cleaning I didn’t care about her, I was a liar.

 I lived through so much stress,  I just want my body to understand it is ok, we are free, we are safe, it can relax, it can calm down. My body doesn’t know how to live another way, I don’t know how to teach it how to calm down, how to trust me, that I have it, and if not, its ok, as bad things happen, and its fine we always get over it. Pretty quickly actually, we are good at that. My body doesn’t understand, it doesn’t know how to live without being under constant stress, this is how my body is now always.

 I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want to relax, and have control over my body.

  Please Help me

And not another psychiatric drug, not another therapist. My issues in my head are dealt with and handled, I need help with my body, not my mind.