#im supposed to go to work at 5 am
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#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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ok this is very silly but i was watching a Hilda ep just now bc season 3 hype, letting the credits roll, and i spotted a ...familiar??? looking name in the credits?? anyway so this is how i find out one of the animators I work with has worked on hilda the series and i've just been unaware of that THIS WHOLE TIME
#im losing my MIND over here#i already know im surrounded by insanely talented ppl at this job but this person is like a celebrity to me. holy shit#she helped make the thing that gave me brainrot for 5 years how am i supposed to be normal abt that#ive never talked to her irl bc she's remote but she's been nice enough to finish some of my shots#for me when i've gotten too busy and fallen behind#huh. technically i've collaborated with someone from hilda isn't that cool#sorry for being insane but i need to get this out of my system before i go back to work
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#😃😃😃😃😃😃#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#x
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#dis gonn be a minni renttt stay ways my pumkins <3#SO HOW RHE FUCK IM SUPPOSED TO APPLY FOR JOBS THAT ARE IN MY WORKFILED RHAT THEY WANT 3-5 YEAR WORK EXPERIENCE???????#but also We ArE sO iN nEeD oF hEaLtHcArE wOrKoRs MY ASS YOU CANT EVEN PAY THEM#seriously there are like 3 job offers in my country involving my occupation. ALMOST IN WHOLE EASTERN HUNGARY??????#rohadjanak meg azok akik leépítik az egészségügyet a magánkórházakért. de igazán.#but also if while in masters i wont work jn my field okay. what else? i am overqualified for the jobs i could do without any other knowledge#and and and the cherry on top.#i cannot apply for full time jobs cause of uni but also cannot for student jobs apparently cause im on correspondence training#im gonna go and sell my organs bruh🫠🖐️😭
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also its so dumb that one of the arguments ppl have against a sims 5 is that theyve already invested too much money into 4. like yes its fucking scummy that ea charges so much for dlc and its Ludicrous the amt sims 4 costs if you have all the dlc and its going to keep getting more and more expensive but . to be honest . why are you paying for sims packs. im sry
#ik not everyone can pirate i get it and its your money do what you want#but itis your choice to invest so much into like. a sinking ship DJRNFJFNG. idk....#i want 2 be optimistic and believe that somehow they WILL be able to fix every single issue with ts4#but i honestly believe thats require them to take an extended break from releasing new packs and shit#and i genuinely honestly dont think theyll do that. lol.#but like. i think itd be a good idea like. Cut down on new releases and focus on fixing the base game and then pack refreshes#bc itd be rly cool to have like. pack refreshes to make them more fleshed out#but also like. sigh. it rly does come down to the packs bc i judt genuinely find it kind of disgusting how little is in each pack#and how many of the packs could be consolidated#genuinely earnestly feel like growing together and parenthood shouldve been one pack. like. and honestly throw hsy in there...#hsy could do with a refresh Badd ik its fairly new but oh my god the school is so fucking buggy#and in general like. IDK. id rly love the packs to be refreshed and id love love love More fucking lots in the worlds oh my god. multiple#worlds have literally 4 lots. Thats fucking actually insane it makes me crazy#i get like. ooh bc you can travel between worlds the worlds can be smaller but i hate it 😭😭😭#i think its just bc i grew up playing 3 perhaps but like. i rly loved like. idk when i choose to play in a sims world i want to play in tha#world. i dont want to have to like. i live in moonwood mills (5 lots .) and thej i have to go to like. san myshunonif i want to go to a bar#or whatever. is there a bar in san myshuno idr#IDKIDK. i feel like Innnn my opinion there should be like. at least 1 of the basegame lot types for every world maybe with some exceptions#and there should be enough empty slots ppl can fill it out more if they want...#but also like. idk. i suppose it wouldnt affect me much bc i usually stay on my home lot as much as possible#bc of the loading screens#it wouldnt be so bad if like. idk. i understand why they didnt wanna do open world like ts3#well i dont its fucking actually stupid. but i get that ts4 wasnt supposed to be what it is and it wasnt built to be a longrunning game.#hence why ts5 should happen instead as a Strong Foundation BUT WHATEVER but like. yk. and ik im not the only person in the world and other#ppl want different but i feel like maybe you could have options .. idk. im not a programmer#but itd be cool to have some sort of way to toggle between like. open world semi open world and closed world#where itd be like. ts3 style where the exteriors of everything r there but the interiors r loaded in when u visit (if that is how ts3 works#i may be a bit off) nd closed would be ts4 style Loading screen to go . next door#am i misremembering or are there even loading screens between like. the new apartments with forrent.... there were for the city living ones#skull Fuckk i ran out of space
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#brother i am convinced i was not built to be alive#i was supposed to die at 16 of appendicitis the way god intended#everything is so stressful and i have an anxiety disorder and high blood pressure and zero support from anyone in my life#just me and my shitty trembling body against the world#ive been shaking and my hearts been racing and my vision has been blurry all day#im the only motherfucker here who bothers to clean or do anything to improve our living situation#ive been battling this flea infestation alone for months now#trying to get everyone to play ball long enough to flea bomb the house today was life on insane mode i am convinced#i had to bribe everyone into leaving by 11am by handing over my bank card so they could buy snacks while i went to my dr appointment#of course all the cleaning pre-bombing was done by me#i asked my sister to tidy her room and she did not so like whatever. if the flea bomb dodnt work in there like what do i even do#she actually waited until id cleaned every other fucking room in the house and then made MORE mess in those rooms#i asked my mother to do 2 things#she did neither of course <3#im so tired and in pain#and im pretty sure we are still going to have fleas anyway#im just one disabled man#i cant keep house for 5 other grown adults#what do i even pay my parents housekeeping for anyway?#dogbunni diary log
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Where's the line drawn between being a student and being a worker? cause currently I feel more like an unpaid worker but I have a horrible feeling any complaint would be left with "Its experience"
Rant in tags sorry I just need to complain
#9 to 5#came in on a Saturday#am getting no support on what I'm doing#just getting told stuff#and shouted at#had to practically beg for a 5 minute break the other day#got pushed to go up the tallescope again and again even tho it was sweltering heat and i needed to stop and get a drink#my teacher ignored safety regulations when i was rigging lights by pulling the pully system too fast with the light on it#which made the rope swing out of control and catch my fingers in the mechanism#he then blamed me#he also had a go at my friends for not getting the work done quick enough when its a two man job we'd paired up to do...#and i had passed out aftee cutting myself and bleeding everywhere for a good 20 minutes without him noticing#the first aid kit took ages to get to me as well as all the rooms were locked cause it was a Saturday#and my parents keep telling me not to have a go and get myself in trouble when hes supposed to be our stage manager and isnt doing anything!#im not even on this damn show cause I'm doing my own in my spare time on top of this right now. which he knows
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i need to practice my japanese sooo bad but it’s sooo hard when i’m not in a class for it yet
#please please please @ my profs let me into the japan trip next year i know my gpa is a 3.7 i swear im good for it#im going CRAZY…#i want to learn japanese and french sooo bad#preferably many more languages too im just veeerrrryyyy slow#i’ve been thinking of making a sideblog to practice my japanese. like part of studyblr or whatever it’s called#IDK mostly i just want to read nobuko yoshiyas work which is hard because it’s not translated#but it’s SOOOOO influential on yuri ESP older yuri that i HAVE to read it..#i looove learning abt lesbians around the world#very chatty all to say i am going to practice more#helping kids learn to read at my job really made me realize that learning languages is HARD even if u already speak them!#i took asl in high school but that was easier for me to conceptualize than spoken languages#i reallt don’t know much japanese at all mostly just introductory stuff#i can read hiragana but i’m still learning katakana#i know maybe. maybe. 5 kanji. that’s it#LOTS TO LEARN IM EXCITED i’m supposed to be taking a class this winter hopefully!!!!!!#jonesytag
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I swear to god can they stop changing up the reception times
#student living#literally every week is a different opening times than the previous since the week before easter break#ive been to pick up a parcel three times now first time it was closed for the day on Wednesday which i hadnt known#but the sign they put up said they were open until 3 Thursday and Friday but i had class until 2 and am half an hour walk between campuses#didnt get back on time on Thursday but got there with 10 minutes to spare on Friday but it was already deserted for the weekend#the opening hours sign said temporary hours was just for that week so i was like okay guess ill wait until monday then#got a notification this morning about another parcel being dropped off with regular working hours included at the bottom#go to pick up my parcel after noon and the place is deserved and theres a new sign up#theyre open only until 12 for the first half of the week and then until 3 Thursday and friday again#so theyve changed opening hours from 8-5 to 8-12 🫥 but not sent out any notice about this#when am i supposed to collect my parcels if you keep changing the times with no warnings?#this is like the 6th week in a row that theyre operating on new times#i need to collect my package its stuff i need for this weekend im also waiting on my friends birthday presents to arrived for this sunday#and of course reception isnt open on weekends for students when everyone would be available to collect their packages outside of classes
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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#i got a new job finally but they're super weird about scheduling and its driving me up a wall#im apparently basically on call which i didnt realize would be the case when i applied#and so far they haven't called me and i only worked two days this week#its been 4 days off so far and they haven't called yet for tomorrow thats 5 days off in a row if they dont#what the fuck am i supposed to do about rent :)))))))#im too neurodivergent for this shit i need a schedule i need to know whats going on and they dont tell me anything#im absolutely losing my mind i think im more stressed out now than when i was looking for work for 3/4 months#the depression and anxiety is through the roof and growing and i don't know what the fuck to do with myself or this whole situation#i even called yesterday and was like uh??????????? Hello??????#all i was told was that they would call me#im so fuckin nauseous about all of this#im sick of waiting by the phone like a lost puppy wondering if im going to be working the next day#i cant live like this im at wits end#rambles
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im going to have to start studying tomorrow
#ugh i hate it#and when i go back to uni i have to do an assignment for a class that is on the same day as the exam (stupid me)#and i think im supposed to use statistics? bro i dont even remember what dataset means#you are a chemistry class you are asking for too much#i need a longer break#anyway tomorrow i need someone to force me to study cause im running out of time#oh i can also study on my way to uni i guess#so when i get home i can work on the assignment which i hope wont take more than an hour#and then ill have the rest of the time to study for the exam#and i know most things i just have to memorize some values and remember some foods and micronutrients and tips and stuff#oh and ill have to rememorize the bmr formula#ugh have i already mentioned that i hate exams?#anyway im going to focus all my energy on the 3 most important exams and ehatever happens with the other 5 happens#fuck am i nervous#whose idea was it to have an exam the day we go back after the holidays?#jo says stuff#university update
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my mom: thank you so much for helping unpack the car <3
the people who unpacked the car (and packed it. and unpacked it. and repacked it. and will inevitably do it all again at least two more times this summer, like they've done for the past three years):
#it's me bitch#she said she was gonna help but that she also needed to pack her clothes so i told her to do that first#bc if she didn't do it right then she was gonna be doing it at 5 am when we're supposed to be leaving#and i was probably gonna end up doing all the work myself anyway#and then i was done. just had a couple more boxes to bring into the house. and she's like. im done packing :)#when i tell you i was fighting demons......#the way i had to hold myself back from going 'why don't you make yourself useful and close the shed (:' bc i know my ass woulda been DUST#liz rambles#personal#my face#i look like a string bean in that first one
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very excited very nervous
#my alarm to wake up is in 5 hours#then in 6.5 hours i am starting my first day at my new job#ive already slept a couple of hours but i woke up momentarily and brain is running wild#theres a. a small chance. we might be able to get taylor tickets#we're gonna try for tickets and either try to work out flights and accom later or sell the tickets if we cant work it out#main issue im having now is nerves and the fact that im supposed to be going to a house viewing at 5 on wednesday#but the presale starts at 2pm wed Melbourne time which is 4pm wed here#so im not. im not sure how i will navigate it#im thinking. copious use of mobile data and being in line on my phone#idk how to make myself sleep im tired but too giddy
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#is it mature of me to post negative comments left on my fics? no#is it fun to share the weird/crazy/trolling comments I get? yeah lol#lets unpack whats going on here#so basically this person's sending insults and threats....to get me to leave positive reviews on their ''friend's'' stories#am I understanding that right?#on what planet would this tactic work? other than on like. a kid#also what year is it? who tf uses the word flame anymore? and who tf still calls upon critics united in 2023?#also having my fics posting to a ''flaming community'' is also supposed to be a threat apparently#as if I don't already knowmy writing is dogshit lmao#but like....I'm just gonna delete the comment and move on with my life. that's also an option that I'm def selecting#because none of this matters?#idc if my writing gets trolled#like once or twice I'll share that stuff (like rn) but in the longrun Im not gonna care#Im still gonna write. I write for myself#I share my fics in case anybody would like them (and I have at least 5 fans so that's more than I need to be motivated)#also I could care less if my account or fics get deleted from ff.net because that site is terrible#I haaaaate navigating it both on desktop and on the mobile app#I think it'd actually be doing me a favor if someone deleted all my shit from there lol. one less place to post to#next time somebody wants to threaten me with getting deleted from a platform do it on a more respectable website. like AO3#because this whole thing's just a joke to me#also Im certain the''friend'' is the one sending these anonymous comments to people including me#evidence: their account was made in 2012 (explains the commenter's use of the words flame and critics united)#next piece of evidence: all of the fandoms they write for a spaces for minors#(teen titans. the lion kind/lion guard. wordgirl. littlest pet shop. warriors. etc)#I glanced thru quite a few of these fics for shits and giggles and they're....not good. no details and nothing compelling in them#so the person would probably want to put others down to make them feel superior#especially minors. because they're easy to scare and make feel bad#honestly this whole thing is just dumb and sad#anyways hope you guys get a kick outta this as much as I did#I'm gonna go back to writing now. new Moon High chapter coming out soon!
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