#im the most out of anyone at work in that i occasionally tell anecdotes about past partners and use both male and female pronouns

[august--and-everything-after]

Wish I knew more bisexuals irl...

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I'm ftm (pre everything) and am in choir but I also want to sing and maybe pursue it later but if I go on hormones then I'm afraid I won’t be able to. Advice?

Lee says:

I like singing, how will T affect my voice?

We can’t tell you what will happen to your voice- people tend to be able to sing well (once their voice is done changing!) if they could sing well before, but there are instances of people losing their singing voices.

We’ve anecdotally heard of some people on T being able to keep their high notes, but it’s much more likely that you lose your high notes as your vocal cords thicken. 

T will most likely deepen your voice so your range will change, but as long as you continue to practice and don’t overwork your voice into notes you cannot reach anymore your singing voice probably will be okay- different, but okay.

But we can’t guarantee this, and it’s your decision whether testosterone and passing/being comfortable in your body are worth the risks of losing your singing voice for you.

This post has a bit more on singing

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice Pedagogical Notes 

Testosterone And The Trans Male Singing Voice

Training the Transgender Singer: Finding the Voice Inside

Followers, any examples of trans singers on T for us to add? Or any personal experiences to add on?Followers, any personal experiences to add?

Followers say:

aeolianchemistry said: have a lot to say about this! i may not be the most coherent bc im half asleep lol, but anyone feel free to message me about this anytime and ask for more details!,

this was my biggest Thing when i was deciding to pursue hrt. ive been in various choirs for years, and its a very Important part of my life. but also my voice was my #1 source of dysphoria, and the #1 thing i needed to change. i searched for weeks to find anything about what to expect from hrt as a singer, esp bc ive heard stories of trans ppl losing their siging voice entirely. i was terrified, and couldnt find resources to shed any significant light on the topic.

and so, in no particular order bc im half asleep, here are some things to expect and things that i’ve experienced so far (almost six months on hrt):

- practice while your voice is dropping! feel it out every step of the way. get to know your voice while it’s changing, and try to maintain those high notes. i didnt do a v good job of this and my high range kinda just shriveled up. i cant be sure that it wouldve been hugely different if id practiced more, but ive heard it does help

- yoir voice will feel different. unfamiliar at times. you wont be using it the same way youre used to. technique will change, placement will change

- my speaking voice shifted downward after just a month or two (i had mild hyperandrogynism before, so this wont be as quick for everyone), before my singing voice did. i didn’t start getting new low range until later, but within my pre-t vocal range, my voice just sat a bit lower than it used to. my low alto filled out more. than i started getting new notes, slowly

- there will be periods of time where it cracks or breaks or is unreliable. dont push it, but dont despair either. keep practicing as well as you can

- my voice is somewhat fragile. if i yell (which i can only somewhat do currently) or push it or force it thru cracks/breaks/weak spots, it will get tired easily and take quite a while to recover. be nice to your voice. dont push high notes if they cause strain. dont push the low notes either, even tho im sure youre excited about them

- your voice will be weak while it’s shifting. this can cause frustration and anxiety. i’m two months into my choir season singing w two and a half choirs, and i’m dealing w lots of Complicated Feelings bc my voice just cant do all the things i want it to. i cant project much, and i certainly dont have the strength (yet) to audition for any of the solos i’d like to. Patience

- the Weird Spots and the Weak Spots will continue to shift around. i have this one area in the middle of my range (currently its about Ab3-B3, but a few weeks ago it was B3-C4) where its weird and weak and its kind of like a break in register but also a bit like a black hole, bc i Cannot Project there and theres no good placement for singing those notes, and notes in the vicinity of those are also Weird but Less So. it’s slowly sliding downwards, and i am learning to navigate it better. i’m hoping it will settle and go away soon, but we’ll see

- breath support is v important. as mentioned, your voice may be quite fragile, and putting strain on it could cause it to glitch out on you for a while. supporting your voice w lots of breath will put less demand on your vocal chords

- NEVER SING IN A BINDER or compressive garment. you need those lungs!

- you’re going to miss out on some of the nostalgic singalongs of old choir songs, bc you no longer have the range to sing your old parts. this is possibly the #1 consequence of transitioning that im the most sad about lol

- i have a very weird quality to my high range rn. it seems to be caught midway between the head voice it used to be and future falsetto or whatever it’s moving toward. for now its just Strange to listen to

the current state of my voice is this:

low range is down to almost the bottom of the bass clef. i can sing down to Bb2, A2 on a good day.

from there up to F3ish is quite comfy and possibly the strongest part of my singing voice, but i do find that if i spend too much time down there it can strain the rest of my range (i used to have this problem before too: if i sang in my low alto range too much or too enthusiastically, my sop range would get tired).

from G3-C4, it’s Awkward. the Awkwardness shifts around, and some parts of it can be more comfy than others sometimes, but it’s all v inconsistent. i cant project much here, and placement is veryvery Weird.

D4-F4ish is typically comfy but has a bit of that Strange quality to it. these notes are a bit floaty, but not bad.

G4-B4 are unreliable. somedays i can get up there. some days it’ll blink out or crack or break or just Not Be There. i am predicting that once my high range settles into a proper falsetto, i’ll be able to work on this range more and it’ll have less of that Strange quality to it, but only time will tell

again, apologies for being Scattered, it’s 1am and ive had a long day. any of yall are welcome to message me for more details ☺

there is a lot of weirdness and weakness and Awkward in the transition period. but while i’m frustrated at times, i’m not worried. everything i’m dealing w is temporary. now i can’t be 100% sure how my voice will settle or when, but i’m not afraid i’ve lost it forever. as far as i’ve heard, the stories of trans ppl who lose their singing voice on t are very rare cases. youre going to go through weeks or months where singing is Weird in constantly shifting ways, but itll keep on moving and developing, and personally i’m so excited to see where it goes.

i’m currently singing tenor2 in my choirs, and occasionally i get to take a trip down and sing baritone. im not even 6months in! that has transformed my choir experience to be even better than before, even w all the awkwardness. it was so weird and beginning to get verg uncomfy to be in a place like choir, which is so important to me, which i love dearly, which has had a significant impact on my life, but which revolved around the use of my one most dysphoric feature. but now i don’t have to worry about that. now i can sing the parts i’ve been wanting to sing for years.

i do occasionally miss some of my old voice. i miss soaring soprano lines, i miss all the old alto parts in songs i used to know. i miss the confidence and strength of a familiar, complete voice. and im allowed to miss those, i dont feel bad about having that longing or sadness, bc i have zero regrets. i also occasionally miss playing with and styling my super long hair, but in five years i have not once regretted cutting it all off. i own those memories and that nostalgia, but i keep moving forward to new and better things

pinesboi said: If you keep working at your voice and take lessons to make sure you never let it get out of practice, everything should be okay. I’m on T now about 3-4 months, and I’m still singing high tenor musical theatre

[mysterybustershq]

everton colony camping trip » event.

i can’t believe all of this actually happened.

daniel.

finally getting the fire lit, daniel stood up and headed over to where most of the rest of the team was standing. “hey, i got the fire going so if you wanna come on down, come on down.” he half expected all of them to say no, and really wouldn’t blame them if they did, but it was worth a shot.

blair.

blair wanted to reply with a simple hm, no. but decided against it and walked past him to where his fire was. she didn't want to be alone for the time being so why not try to at least enjoy the trip?

bryce.

bryce had spent most of his time, sitting in his chair, trying not to think about not being able to contact his mom, as well as trying not to let things bother him. it wasn't really working- he was still freaking out, only internally now. but when daniel mentioned a fire, he lit up, a fire would be nice. "i'll join," he replied, as he slowly stood up.

nathan.

as the group slowly started to separate to the fire, nathan tried his best to keep an eye on both groups. the last thing he needed was him losing track of someone (probably trevor), and having to spend the rest of the night hunting for them. "are we even allowed to light a fire out here?" he asked, trying to be cautious, ". . . but sure, i guess i'll join. . . i get my own log to sit on though."

vanessa.

"anyone got some marshmallows?" appearing at Nathan's elbow from what seemed like thin air, Vanessa didn't waste much time in bounding down the slight hill to where Daniel had been hard at work on the fire, joining the small ( she suspected it'd grow, though ) group relocating there. "That's all we need. Fire, marshmallows, logs - spooky stories? I've got THOSE covered."

julian.

julian had followed nat towards the fire, promptly taking a seat on a blanket that was spread out over the forest floor. he leaned back on his palms with his feet out towards the small fire. "oh, we know," julian laughed a little, speaking only slightly condescendingly.

nathan.

"no one is telling scary stories." he snapped, head turning to vanessa, "bryce was already flipping shit before and im on trevor-fleeing-watch right now. the last thing this group needs is getting more freaked out. why can't you just read Goodnight Moon to the group instead?"

naomi.

"boo" naomi says from where she's sitting, wearing one too many layers of clothing. it was cold. "that's what camp fires are meant for. scary stories and group bonding. lord knows you need to bond with us, nathan."

vanessa.

"Meow. Really feeling the frost here, pals," she murmured under her breath only SLIGHTLY passive aggressively, having naturally orbited away from Julian and Nathan before they'd opened their mouths. When Naomi spoke up, Nessa pointed to her and bopped her head up and down animatedly, completely in agreement, "see? Naomi gets it. We can't waste this perfect backdrop and NOT scare our pants off with the stories of my people - it'd be like going to NASA and not taking your chance to announce on the tour guides swiped mic that the moon landing was fake and you have proof... which is something I definitely have never done, and is nothing more than a perfect, random anecdote."

cristian.

cristian was already sitting by the fire pit when daniel called everyone to come, having already been there, sinking into a lawn chair, when the team leader had decided to get a fire started. he took a sip from his beer, gaze nonchalant, as everyone began to join in and start speaking around him, half listening to what vanessa was going on about.

elijah.

eli made his way over to fire at daniel's request. not seeing trevor, he took a seat near nessa, the second most comfortable person and popped a marshmallow in his mouth, eyes twinkling with childlike happiness at the mention of frightful fire retellings. "yeab, we cabnt jus' not tell scarby stories," the beyond the grave cohost mumbled, mouth full of marshmallow. he proceeded after gulping it down. "what else are we gonna do? sing kumbayah? no way! plus, i hate to break it to y'all, but we are the mysterybusters so if you're not a fan of scary things, you're in the wrong line of work."

kimberly.

sitting around a fire and singing the campfire song song sounded about as fun as getting her teeth pulled sans anesthetic, but kimi hurried over to the fire. she didn't comment on the matter of horror stories. this entire job felt like a horror story, and not a good one, either. she focused on finding a place to sit; not yet seeing ashley (thank god) she decided to stand behind the logs opposite cristian. it was purely a coincidence that she stood there, but upon seeing, micah let out a quiet scoff as he took a seat next to naomi. if not for the people around, she would give him a fair suggestion of where to shove his ill-timed humor. alternatively, she silently sent up a prayer for his cast to catch aflame, and looked around with an innocent gaze. "so what are we doing, then?"

vanessa.

nessa visibly brightened at eli's appearance, grabbing a marshmallow and popping it in her mouth before he could protest as she made a bit more room on the log she'd claimed for him. mouth full of soft, pillowy goodness, she accentuated everything he was saying with movements of her head and hands, as so; "what else are we gonna do?" - she raised both hands in a clueless-old-man sorta gesture - "sing kumbayah?" - one shake of her head side to side, curls gone wild - "no way!" - a very animated nod of her head, up and down -"plus, i hate to break it to y'all, but we are the mysterybusters" - a dark glance around at all that were so far gathered, like she was disappointed in each of them - "so if you're not a fan of scary things, you're in the wrong line of work." - a final nod coupled with the folding of her hands over her chest and a noise of agreement, as she finally swallowed the marshmallow that'd shut her up for two seconds and threw in her own, final two cents, "i vote we listen to eli, and naomi, and therefore me, and get cracking with stories that'll ruin ALL our chances of  good nights sleep. for bryce's sake- sorry, bryce, for singling you out, but you ARE the only one who's freaked so far- we can go for a... a pg-13 retelling of the classics. that's a win win, right? right. the answer's right. say it, everyone- i'm right."

julian.

at that point, julian basically gave up trying to combat the girl. he laid his entire body down on the blanket, his hands resting on his stomach. "go ahead, ness." he threw out into the dark, his eyes closed.

nathan.

ive already bonded enough with ashley he thought to himself, groaning in response to naomi. nathan leaned forward, warming his hands near the crackling flame, "fine, i'll tell a scary story first. once upon a time, a guy from seattle just wanted to spend his weekend sitting at home doing class work. instead, he ended up getting dragged to virginia with Ghost Busters Jr. he got bit by mosquitoes, got sweaty, and didn't even have enough signal to use Pocket Camp." he looked back up the group, "there's my contribution. ive done my group bonding."

lana.

“mhm,” as ashley was going on and on about something, lana gave her an occasional hum to let her know she was still listening. she wasn’t. they were coming out of the woods when her eyes went from focusing on the leaves beneath her feet to the group who were huddled around a fire a way ahead. she pointed towards them and cut ashley off mid-sentence, “look! let’s go see what they’re doing.” she picked up her pace to join with the blonde following behind her. once she reached them, she shoved her hands in her pockets and stayed quiet to catch up on the conversation going on.  what she heard only made her shoot nathan a sarcastic dirty look.

vanessa.

she stayed quiet while he talked- at least, no matter what else happened, nessa could say that much. she kept her mouth shut ( something that was often an incredibly hard thing to do ) and she didn't butt in, even though she wanted to the minute she realized where his spiel was going, and when he was done she waited a whole seven point three seconds before she said, very seriously, "if that's the quality of all your campfire stories, please, stick to your day job." and THEN - then, as if she hadn't just dropped that out there into the world, nessa nudged eli with her elbow ( a little non-verbal 'hey, help me spook these ghouls' ) and leant closer to the fire, gaze lifting to go round the circle ( and lingering a bit on the newcomers of lana and ashley ), before saying, ominously, "have any of you ever heard of the huge storm of 1935?"

ashley.

following lana back to the group, ashley took a seat on the blanket julian was on, nudging him with her knee to get him to sit up. "hey," she said, not really paying attention to what the rest of the group was discussing. but she did catch the tail end of vanessa's monologue. "no, what's that?"

micah.

"i don't even remember the storm of 2018," micah spoke dryly. "why would i remember one that i wasn't alive for." his question came out so dully, kimi could hear the lack of proper punctuation.

elijah.

after she'd made her statement and finished her marshmallow, eli already had one roasted on a stick for her — his own kind of thank you for her gestures and generous support — handing it to her wordlessly. his eyes widened at nathan's statement and he leaned in, eyes wide with excitement . . . only to have them dim immediately at the bogus cynical content #teamdad's story. "come on nate you can do better than that! the only thing that was scary about was your lack of enthusiasm and creativity." eli said with a playful huff, a devious smile forming on his face as vanessa nudged him. "ah yes. gather round everyone. it was the huge storm of 1935! where goodness died and EVIL was born." he winked at ness, wiggling his eyebrows at the crowd. "listen if ye wee yellowbellies dare."

nathan.

"i could always tell the sequel where one of the kids he goes camping with disappears and all they find is his glasses and a pinky toe." he responded, tired eyes shot at elijah's direction. nathan wasn't one to get into the festivities, but vanessa's story proposition peeked his interest, "storm? what storm?"

naomi.

"the only storm i know is that vine that's like 'hurricane katrina? more like hurricane torilla' and that's not even a storm." naomi speaks up from where she's sitting,  "so by all means, tell us about this storm."

zachary.

zach, someone who thrived off of group dynamics of any sort, wasn't going to miss out on something as dire as a campfire. making his way toward the group, he caught the crucial end of vanessa's dialogue and interjected confidently, “heard of it?” he said with a tone that was mockingly serious, "i was there." zach smiled as he sat down next to eli.

alex.

alex sat herself besides zach quietly, folding herself onto the front of her legs, and listening with one ear. the prospect of scary stories itself made her animatedly roll her eyes as she rubbed her hands together to keep them warm (gloves were tacky, in her own opinion, and she was a sucker for fashion over comfort). "stop talking bull," she murmured before directing her eyes towards the fire, glaring at it. "honey, you've got a big storm coming," she mimicked.

vanessa.

"what about the closing chapter of a horrifying trilogy, where another one of the kids he's with shoves a marshmallow-on-a-stick so far up his a-" whatever she'd been about to say ( expression ever innocent ) was forgotten as eli silently handed one such marshmallow-stick combo to her, and she abandoned her threat in favor of stuffing her face while her friend reiterated what she'd said ( but, much better ). she WASN'T happy with nathan, that much was clear from the dark look that she kept trained on him for as long as it took for the others to tune back in and get in the spirit of the story, and then even more clear from how she began to avoid looking at him at all. "it was the storm to end all storms - my very own grandmama told stories of how they thought the world was ending...- and the people whom my cohort and i are about to tell you about WISHED it had," she took a deep, quivering breath, choosing to hook onto what zach said and continue with, "you should have waited 'til you heard the whole story before joking like that, zachary. see - not to sound too like a cliche straight from an egyptian tomb raid - everyone who witnessed what happened in the atchison manor that night DIED over the six months that followed. that is... the people who survived. we're not too far from that manor, actually - remember the crossroads? we took a left, but if we'd taken the RIGHT, we would have found it - the place the devil was born."

blair.

blair was really over the whole sitting around the campfire and telling scary stories trope so she waited for vanessa to finish before saying, " anyways, what time are we leaving tomorrow?"

daniel.

"blair," daniel said, his tone slightly harsh. all he wanted was one night where the team could just relax and have fun. maybe it was bad timing, but blair could at least try.

blair.

"don't blair me, cheater." blair doesn't mean to be rude (well maybe a little) but she can't help it. especially since it's daniel trying to get her to relax. "it's a dumb story and i have homework due tomorrow so i'd like to know."

damaris.

"b-" her own softly spoken cut in interrupted by daniel, damaris shut up and sat back instead of trying to throw herself in the middle, eyes wide as saucers as she looked from blair, beside her, to daniel, and back again. she waited for the other girl to quieten once again ( having already winced from her words - people going through second hand wincing was how you knew you'd fucked up, @ daniel ) before she whispered quietly, just to her, "why don't we go and get snacks from the van?- by the time we're back the story'll probably be done, and you...- the story will probably be over, yeah!"

julian.

without opening his eyes, julian poked ashley's side, trying to draw her in closer. "are they fighting? should we move? i don't want to get stabbed tonight." he spoke as quietly as possible, hoping no one else was in earshot.

nathan.

"blair! daniel!" nat shouted, standing up from his log and placing his hands on his hips, "look, if your outdated relationship drama is going to start shit on this trip then you guys better separate and take a chill pill." nat looked to the agitated blair, quickly collecting the roasting sticks that laid in front of her, "just. . . one of you take a walk. not alone though."

elijah.

of all the places to sit, of course zach picks the spot next to him. at his presence, eli paled visibly and shifted towards vanessa, who 1) had defended him and 2) was telling an awesome ghost story, which were 2/2 of the ways into eli’s heart. he listened intently, gasping, whooping and wiggling his fingers while he made ghost noises to add to the paranormal campfire ambience they had going. eli’s eyes were brighter than the fire when she finished, but of course everyone was sullen and sarcastic as ever. for a bunch of paranormal investigators they sure were normal. bo-ring. looking at blair, bored bitchiness illuminated by the firelight, eli whispered. “there won’t be a tomorrow if the devil gets us. and i wouldn't leave if i were you. if you want to get shish-kabobed by satan, that’s on you, but i for one am saying where i am. so, daniel, blair, i would work your stuff out because tonight's the night. and by that i mean the ONLY night."

micah.

micah sighed, already over the arguing. "so, zach was born tonight, he's the devil, none of this is news. but if you think the devil is enough to work their shit out, you're going to be sorely disappointed, eli." as usual, micah's voice had taken on that slightly softer tone, the one he always got when speaking to eli. it was barely noticeable, but it was there. he was still working on fixing that. "why do you think they didn't work out?"

ashley / daniel.

although he probably should've expected it, daniel stiffened at blair's reaction. after nathan got his scolding out, daniel rolled his eyes and stood up. "fine. i'll go." as daniel stood up, ashley followed, grabbing julian by his shirt and pulling him along with her.

vanessa.

great. just GREAT. a quality ghost story, wasted on everyone who wasn't eli - go figure. his theatrics had been perfect, the mood was JUST right, everyone was starting to slowly but surely get engaged in what she was saying ... and blair and daniel had to go and ruin it. thank god she was used to such moments not going to plan, because at the very least she was able to hide her sad annoyance beneath an indifferent expression, eyes darting to whoever chose to speak up next like it was a basketball game, muttering under her breath as daniel stalked off, "if you'd all just waited 'til the end of the story, then you woulda been too SPOOKED to argue and no one woulda had to leave, but noooooooo, you had to go and start RIGHT BEFORE it got good." and then, after a brief pause and considering of her words, she directed the final part at eli, "- you know, they don't appreciate our BOMB story tellings. we should start charging by the minute."

julian.

"oh–what? why? oh–okay," julian had no time to process what was going on. as soon as he felt ashley tugging on his hoodie, he sat up, and was on his feet with her. "you know, to be fair, bud," julian mentioned to daniel, walking just a bit behind the boy, "you really asked for that one to happen."

naomi.

naomi felt really awkward as they began arguing, pulling the strings on her hoodie to make it scrunch up against her face. "if it makes you feel better, i was really intrigued." she tells vanessa, words muffled by the fabric of the hoodie.

kimberly.

kimi watched as ashley dragged julian away after daniel. she wasn't quite sure how she felt about that friendship, considering how much it'd already fucked things up for him. but who julian befriended, wise or otherwise, was his business. she smiled at vanessa, nodding in agreement to naomi. she hadn't believed a word vanessa said since they were back in middle school, but she knew better than to let that show. "it was really interesting. how does it end?"

damaris.

she was beginning to think she needed a new best friend, and after sending blair one long, sad look, turned back to the others and went silent once more ( so allowing the narrator to effectively write vanessa m. wright's night at the campfire ) [ vanessa ] : "you'll survive the night," she intoned, spookily, half-heartedly wagging her finger in naomi's direction to add to the dramatic flare of her words. vanessa wasn't one to be knocked so easily out of a spooky mood ( some would say she was in one 90% of the time ), and she didn't not want to try bring them back to the group dynamic with the story... but she couldn't help shooting blair a wary glance as if unsure how SHE'D take it as she answered kimi with a, "maybe it's a story for another time."

zachary.

zach listened into more than he watched more members of the group gradually get in on the argument at hand. it was the type of drama that made zach wonder why they didn’t recognize how lucky they were to be so tightly wound in regard to one another. as a group, their fucked up dynamic was both a blessing and a curse. the product of a dysfunctional family. zach questioned what he had gotten himself into. he watched naomi with careful eyes as she tightened the strings of her hoodie. it was adorable, but caused a foreignly worrisome feeling to seat itself in zach. he resisted the urge to move to sit beside her; instead settling for a smile directed at her. he tuned back into the group just as vanessa was beginning to retract her storytelling expertise. even when shit had hit the fan, zach couldn’t bring himself to take it all too seriously. “you forgot a crucial part of the story, though, vanessa. as we all know, i was there, and i didn’t die. so what the fuck is up, kyle? a place where the devil was born, though? i’d recommend we go visit it,” zach looked around the group as though he were counting ( a smart-ass kind of move after so many people had left upset mere moments ago ), “but yeah. maybe it’s a little too spooky for tonight.”

ashley / daniel.

“trust me dude, i know,” daniel sighed, perfectly aware of what he’d signed on to. as the trio walked through the woods, ashley felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out. “hey, we have service now,” she to neither boy in particular, showing them the way notifications were flooding her phone. turning her screen back towards her, she started to skim through everything she was getting. it seemed as though a lot of them were for the mysterybusters twitter, and all of them seemed to have a common theme. “the backseat killer? is that that new indie band? why is everyone tweeting us about them?” her the question was to both of them, but daniel answered first. “what?” he grabbed ashley’s phone from her hands, unlocking it to read what the tweets were about. “backseat killer escaped from prison.” he read aloud, his heart dropping to his stomach as he clicked on the article link. “mayer willis was being transported to a high security prison when he killed both the driver and the deputy with him and took the car. the car has been found but there has been no sign of willis,” his voice trailed off as he got to the end of the sentence, glancing up at julian and ashley, figuring only one of them would know what his words meant, before he circled back around to the fire. he immediately headed over to naomi, saying nothing but handing her ashley’s phone.

naomi.

naomi rested her head on micah's shoulder and pouted, "well that sucks... i really wanted to hear it." she tells vanessa, seeing daniel coming in her direction. she smiles at him even though her jacket is covering it but it soon fades as she sees the expression on his face.  "what's u—" she pulls the hood from her head and reads what's on ashley's phone. oh no her eyes widened and just like that she feels like the world is crashing down on her. the worst part is that she can't react here, in front of everyone. "uh.. excuse me..." she gets up quickly and begins to walk away from the group, tears blurring her vision.

micah.

when naomi stood up, it didn't take micah long to follow. he would give her space, if asked, but the fact that she was on the verge of tears -- something that, in and of itself, wasn't surprising -- told him that it probably wasn't needed. and as much of a fuck as micah didn't give about what was going on, he still cared about naomi, and this all felt too silverwood-esque to let her walk away by herself.

julian.

following right at daniel's heel, as he passed the phone to naomi, he rested a hand on his shoulder, needing the boy's attention for a second. "hey, man, where was this guy headed? or where was he being held? do you know? like, we have no reason to freak out about this, right?" he kept his voice low, not wanting everyone else to hear the news and react in panic.

daniel.

"i don't know man, i haven't read much more. signal's gone again," daniel answered before lightly shrugging julian's grip off of him and heading after naomi and micah. he pulled her into a hug the second he caught up, one hand rubbing her back and the other resting on her head. "i'm not gonna let anything happen to you this time, nay. promise."

vanessa.

nessa didn't like this. she didn't like it, AT ALL. what had started out as a soft moment - a kindly smile turnt naomi's way as she became the only one there at current moment appreciating her spookiness - went sour with the guys arrival back. a new feeling, set apart from the previous bother, settled uncomfortably in her stomach, and the vibe of her surroundings... the vibe was all WRONG. something had changed, and she didn't like it. "what's going on?" she asked, loudly, sitting up a little straighter, eyes following naomi and micah before drifting to daniel, and julian - the others in on whatever it was, it seemed.

micah.

micah stood aside as daniel hugged naomi. he threw a glance back towards where they'd left the others. he didn't care about them much, but at least they were all together. he looked back to daniel. "won't let who hurt her again?" usually, micah would stay out of it. but if someone was going to hurt naomi, that was irrevocably his business, and no one could say otherwise.

ashley.

"some guy named mayer willis broke out of jail and killed guards and stuff. and now they don't know where he is," ashley announced as she walked back to the fire.

trevor.

trevor had been a bit spacey since they all gathered together, it wasn’t a surprise since before they left he hot boxed himself in the bathroom of their dorm. he was extremely high and he was really relaxed when he was usually panicking at the thought of death, he was just chilling - staring off into the distance thinking about whether or not alex’s hair smelled like cotton candy or was cotton candy in his high little brain. snapping back into reality, the tall man shook his head and glanced around. everyone didn’t seem happy but he was too zoned out a moment ago to know what had happened. “ uh... so... did someone fart ? “ he made an awkward face, not really knowing what to say.

bryce.

bryce looked up in time to see daniel approach naomi, his eyebrows furrowing together as he watched the exchange. he didn't hear anything that they said, but he saw the look on her face- and that said enough. he was getting ready to stand up and follow the group when he heard ashley's announcement- and then he froze. mayer willis. no wonder naomi was upset. casting a glance at the rest of the group, he slowly stood up and made his way to where naomi, micah and daniel were standing.

zachary.

it took a lot out of zach not to insert himself into the conversation—or into the moment as a whole. and if the situation hadn’t been surrounding naomi, he definitely would have. but he had been patient in getting to know her fully. he had taken his time. he wasn’t going to fuck it up now by rushing to be someone she didn’t want him to be. what reassured him the most was the fact that ashley had followed suit. thankfully, vanessa voiced what he had been thinking since naomi was handed the phone, and when ashley showed back up to the fire zach stood up to meet her. “hey, what’s happening? what can i do?” his tone softened just a little as he repeated himself, “is there something i can do?”

nathan.

"what?" he exclaimed, voice booming through the campsite, "alright, trips over. you're all getting in that van and we're staying in a hotel or pulling an all nighter at the airport." nathan was more worried than aggravated at this point. of course there would be some killer running around just when they were out in the middle of west bumblefuck. through the chaos, he kept a close eye on damaris (not that she had done anything guilty yet, but he didnt want her wandering off and possibly causing more of a disturbance). "daniel, sorry to put a stake in your trip, but something has to be done."

lana.

her eyes followed naomi who separated herself from the group, lana's attention stayed on her until ashley’s words snapped her out of the trance. she couldn’t have heard that right. ashley must have made a mistake; it wouldn't be the first time. there was no possibility of that scenario being real and she wasn’t about to freak out until she was sure. she cleared her through before forcing the word out, “w-who?"

damaris.

the effect ashley's statement had on damaris, silent and non-existent 'til that convenient moment, was instantaneous. her face paled, her eyes widened, and though she didn't jump up from the log she'd been perched on to rush to naomi's side - she thought about it, and would have, if it weren't for fearing she'd crowd the girl. it was happening again. everything they'd been through - everything they'd JUST started to move on from, was suddenly at risk of coming to pass again. without thinking, she reached out and took a hold of blair's hand  for comfort, silly as it were,  eyes on everyone else as she waited for the information that hadn't been spilled yet.

naomi.

something about having daniel, damaris, micah, bryce and even blair there surrounding her made her feel a lot better. they had all been terrorized by him that night but, for obvious reasons, it hit closer to home. she hugged daniel back and softly cried into his chest. "i can't do this. what if he finds out where we are? where we work... live. you guys know he's coming for us... me because i'm the reason he was caught. and oh god what if he finds out about the twins and tries to hurt them too... i-i can't do this i have to, i have to leave. how much does it cost to get your name changed? a new passport... micah please tell me you know a guy. do any of you know a guy?"

micah.

her questions hit so hard to home, because god, if micah hadn't been thinking them, too. the evidence was in the discolored skin beneath his eye, and the split of his lip, and the cast on his arm. yeah, he knew a bit about that. but naomi couldn't make the same choice he did. he wouldn't let her. "breathe, nomi. i'm not going to let him hurt you, or the twins. i promise."

kimberly.

kimi watched as the original group stood together, forming a protective sort of semi-circle around naomi. as much as she wanted to know what was going on, she wisely stayed in her lane. she wandered closer to ashley, looking up at nat with wide, terrified eyes. "please, let's go. now."

vanessa.

if she'd thought that blair and daniel's fight was gonna be the worst of the evening, then wow had she been mistaken - evidently, that had just been the tip of the yikesburg. it wasn't her place to be with naomi or the other og's - she hadn't experienced what they had, she didn't know what they'd been through in the intimate way each of them did. her place was by elijah, where she took comfort from his presence and had a pretty great vantage point of everyone's reactions to the news, and where, when nathan spoke up, her "i agree" came softly from. they had to go. if nothing else, so the noise naomi was making wouldn't attract all the wild animals in the area to them ( not that she had scientific proof that crying drew bears, but she didn't want to take the chance ).

julian.

"wait, wait–" julian held his hands up, trying to grather some attention from the group that was still by the fire. "we don't need to go anywhere. and it's way too late to find a hotel with room for, what, twenty people? we're fine here." maybe he didn't really believe it, but julian didn't want everyone else to start panicking.

ashley.

"mayer willis?" ashley repeated, making eye contact with lana. "i could be getting the name wrong, dan has my phone." she shrugged. turning her attention to zach, she shrugged again. "i have no idea. i thought he was just some singer, but apparently i was really wrong." it seemed like she was the only one that didn't know what was going on; was keeping updated on criminals a requirement that daniel had let slide when he signed her on?

alex.

"yeah," alex replied, "totally fine. with a killer who could be hiding in the backseat of our van!" she shook her head, arms crossing as she stood and stomped the ground with the heel of her shoe. "i'm calling a freaking uber."

bryce.

bryce bit his lip as he listened to naomi- he didn't know what to say, and out of fear of saying the wrong thing- he stayed silent, his hands clinching into fists as he thought back to that night. he'd tried his best to block it from his mind- but now it seemed inevitable that he was going to relive it. and he was scared, but for everyone's sake he tried his best to remain calm. "we won't let him hurt you, or the twins," when he spoke his voice was low, and shaky, but he meant what he said.

naomi.

the more she thought about it the more scared she began to feel and suddenly naomi was freaking out the same way she was when she got that ticket for not pulling over for an emergency vehicle ( haha #tbt ) "we have to go. like now i can't do this oh my god i'm going to die, we're all going to die and it's my fault—" she pulled away from daniel and rested her hands on her knees, "i'm gonna throw up."

nathan.

"sorry, julian. supervisor trumps researcher." nathan said, looking around for something to put the fire out, "it's not safe. we can spend the night in the airport or even go to a church. anything is better than here where we have no signal. cristian is a big boy, he knows how to work high beams. he can drive."

alex.

alex glances worriedly at the group surrounding naomi before turning away, and promptly deciding, for once, it was none of her business. "for once... and it pains me to say this," she said, "i think we should listen to what nathan has to say."

trevor.

trevor looked around again, seeing as no one was laughing about his fart assumption he figured it was really serious because no one didn't laugh at a fart joke unless there was something wrong. the tall boy stood up, awkwardly mostly because his high mind made it seem like he was moving slower than he really was. " okay ! i have no clue whats going on - you guys seemed freaked out so i'm guessing either naomi is having a normal breakdown or an actually bad breakdown ? " he looked around once more before glancing at vanessa. " are we gonna die? is this a cabin in the woods situation ? because the stoner ALWAYS dies first ! " he exclaimed.

vanessa.

"trevor, the stoner died LAST in that movie," vanessa corrected cooly ( doing eli's job for him, since he wasn't there ). she didn't have a very good feeling about the night as a whole, now. some would say it was a little late to be listening to bad vibes, but nessa was of the opinion that it was only too late when you were DEAD - something they weren't, yet, and that she was quick to add on and direct trevor's way, "everything is fine. we're going to leave, right guys? leave, get out, slam the door on this WHOLE thing - a healthy case of the SCADADDLES, and once we've relocated this shindig to the airport, everything'll be right as rain! or. as right as rain ever is? you get me."

elijah.

insanity was unfolding right before their very eyes. naomi was crying, screaming, BOTH and everyone was trying to get out of there and eli was inclined to agree when. . . "wait! GUYS HOLD ON ! WAIT I HAVE TO GET MY CAT!"

julian.

"elijah, i told you not to bring tippi!" julian had both hands ontop of his head, a headache already forming from the stress.

julian.

" you brought TIPPI!" trevor exclaimed in more fear than before, the thought of eli's cat going missing even more scary then himself disappearing. " we HAVE to find him NOW ! " he yelled out before turning to almost run to find the cat.

bryce.

bryce could make out part of what was happening around the camp fire, and he found it to be incredibly overwhelming. he just needed to get away- or block it out or something. so without saying anything he sort of just walked a way, still in sight and sat down, covering his ears with his hands, as he focused on taking a few deep breaths.

cristian.

half listening to everyone's bickering for the past couple minutes, cristian had been rolling his eyes ever so subtly in the background, busying himself with relaxing by the fire. he wasn’t about to spend the last few hours of his birthday weekend worrying about ghost stories and people's breakups. however, his indifference only lasted so long. upon hearing the name of the backseat killer, cristian's brows popped up in worry, remnants of the silverwood night rushing a bit too quickly into his mind. many of the faces around the fire probably couldn't understand the magnitude of the terror that rushed through his head, although he could see it in the faces of the other original members. therefore, getting up quickly from his chair and swiftly taking out the van's keys from his pocket, it only felt right to join the others by naomi's side. he wasn’t the greatest with tears, but he could surely understand the horror of the situation, so rushing up behind micah, catching the last of naomi's words, cristian added, “uh, if it helps, naomi, i do know a guy.” he shrugged, trying to keep his calmest face in the heat of the tense moment, allowing her to let it all out. just the group being near each other seemed like enough. however, cristian knew better. so, after hearing everyone's pleas to leave, he nodded affirmatively. " yeah, maybe it's best that we get the hell out of here," cristian agreed, dangling the van's keys so everyone could see. "i actually think i did see a church nearby on the way up here, but we'll see. everyone get what you need and get in. quickly." he gestured toward where the vehicle was parked.

damaris.

while vanessa immediately rushed to eli's side and panicked about tippi with the rest of them, damaris went in the opposite direction, moving to bryce's side. so much was happening - too much, at that - and she knew it was probably overwhelming, so she did what she could and grasped his shoulder, tightly, grounding him in the moment and giving him a few seconds to calm his heart rate before she  gave his jacket a gentle tug in the van's direction. "c'mon, bry. we're going - we're gonna go to a church cris saw. it'll all be better once we're there, ok?"

lana.

lana took one step forward, about to start a trail to the van, after ashley confirmed it and they decided upon leaving. except she was starting to feel like her heart was beating out her chest and she couldn't move. this was a situation that she hadn't been expecting and that was part of the reason why she was silently panicking. she shouldn't have reacting at all, not in front of every one here. she took a long moment tried to contain herself while everyone was talking amongst themselves, not wanting the lightheadedness feeling that was creeping in get to her. but, it was no use. her father, the person who tried to kill her best friend, and someone she'd been trying to escape for years was on the loose. the rest of the group’s distress continued to encourage the sickening sensation. there was no reality in which lana would be able to hold herself together and before she knew it, everything went black-- just in time to not feel the blow of her body hitting the ground beneath her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XjayddbksQ

kimberly.

kimi watched as lana's body hit the floor. "we should... should someone grab her? is she alive?"

nathan.

through the symphony of yelling, crying, and meows in attempt to call tippi from hiding, nathan heard the thud lana's body made as it hit the forest floor. "shit." he murmured, rushing over the the girl on the ground. "uh a little HELP HERE." he called to the group, gently shaking lana's shoulders, "lana? hey lana." he smacked her cheek gently, "lana??"

alex.

alex actually laughed. "stop playing, lana. this is a serious discussion."

bryce.

bryce squeezed his eyes shut- maybe if he pictured something- he could forget about what was going on. it didn't work. but feeling the hand on his shoulder, he opened his eyes as he slowly titled his head to look at damaris. her words didn’t register, but he found himself nodding as he slowly stood up. “t-that sounds nice,” he stammered, as he slowly moved in the direction of everyone else. stopping in his tracks as he watched lana fall to the ground.

julian.

standing up to run to lana, julian was beat by nathan's frantic run. he was frozen for a second, watching the two, waiting for some reaction from the girl. he turned around on his heel, picking into a near-by cooler, and pulling out a bottle of water. he sprinted to nat and lana, his knees digging into the dirt. "did you slap her? no, no–bend her knee, put her on her–" as nicely as he could, julian shoved nathan to the side, gently turning lana's body so that the girl was resting on her side.

nathan.

"is she breathing??" he asked frantically, trusting julian enough to take somewhat over, "put a finger under her nose or something." he bit the skin of his nails anxiously until a bead of blood formed, "fuck. how far is the nearest hospital?"

julian.

"she's fine," julian said, taking the water bottle and placing it under lana's neck, "she wasn't strangled, she just passed out. give her a second." he looked at nathan and sighed, seeing everyone else who had gathered in worry. "someone might want to get naomi. for when she wakes up," he told to anyone in the group who was listening.

kimberly.

kimi bit her lip apprehensively. she thought everyone was being a little dramatic, but even she was starting to get worried. casting another glance at the panicking group, she followed cristian to the van. she stood aside as he tried to get the car started.  her eyes widened when he said the car wouldn't start. "what the f--... why wouldn't it start?" she laughed nervously, hoping to cover her near slip.

naomi.

after many deep breaths and encouraging words from daniel, naomi was able to calm down just a little before seeing julian and nathan around lana. "what— what happened to lana?" she quickly runs over to where they are and gets down on her knees, shaking the girls body. "lana... oh my god why did she pass out is she okay? i'm gonna go get her some water." she looks at both nathan and julian before getting up and walking towards cristian and kimberly. too much was happening and everyone knows how naomi gets when things get tough. she hears cristian say the van won't stop and honestly things could not get any worse than this. "jesus fucking christ cristian i swear to god if you don't get this dumb van to work i'll fucking scream until all of your heads pop!" she begins to roughly hit the hood of the vehicle with her hands, looking at him— expecting him to do something.

nathan.

Nathan bunched up his jacket to create a makeshift pillow to put unless lana's head. he was about to ask julian another question when he heard the oh so familiar shrillness of naomi's voice. cringing, he turned toward the direction of the van, "what the fuck are you guys doing? get in the c!--" before he could finish, he noticed naomi pounding her fists on the hood. he swallowed a nervous gasp that had presented itself in his throat. "guys. . . whats wrong with the van?. . ."

daniel.

watching everything go down hit too close to home for daniel. he'd sworn nothing like this would ever happen again. that was the only reason he'd even agreed to continue the group. "okay," he said, thinking aloud. "everyone just calm down. he was in prison back in washington and everything is from today. there's no way he could get here in that little time, so we're safe for the night." there was no telling what would happen once they left, but for now, they were okay.  and there was no point in worrying everyone if they couldn't leave. "so just stop freaking out. nothing bad's gonna happen to us tonight."

cristian.

shrugging in kimi's direction, cristian gave her an unsure glance. “ i don’t know, i can pop open the front and see what’s wrong, but it was fine like not even an hour ago, i don’t know what’s up,” he explained, running a hand over the top of his head as he contemplated what could have gone wrong, his level of worry beginning to rise substantially and his heart picking up in pace as the pressure zeroed in on him -- although he tried his best to keep a composed expression on his face. however, his face dropped once naomi started to yell and pound on the hood of the van. " whoa! hey! hey! hey! naomi, what the fuck? don't fucking do that!" he shouted back as he approached the girl, losing his composure a bit at witnessing his prized possession get hit, "whatever's wrong with it, that's not going to help." cristian grabbed naomi's wrists and stopped her hands from damaging the van any further. "let me see," he huffed irritatedly as he gave naomi a sour glare and popped open the hood of the car.

naomi.

"don't tell me what to do. you know you should really make sure everything is working before the trips because somehow the van always stops working when we need it, cristian. my best friend is dying, a serial killer is on the loose and i have so many mosquito bites on my arms and legs it looks like i was in a mosquito gangbang— and i don't even know what that looks like." she says everything too fast and her voice cracks, she's going to start crying again. "and daniel thinks it's all going to be okay but it's not and everyone else is freaking out... why did elijah bring his cat and why can't we all just! have a normal camping trip without having to worry about dying, missing pets or our fucking mosquito repellent not working?! so if you'll excuse me i'm going to throw up in that bush over there and if i get lucky enough, there might be posion ivy over there too because why wouldn't there be?!" she laughs through her tears even though there's nothing humorous about the situation.(edited)

nathan.

nathan felt bile in his own stomach start to rise at the mention of vomit. he took a deep breath, shutting his eyes tightly, "uh youre not going to those bushes without a buddy, young woman." poison ivy, tippi, the van, and a killer would be the least of their worries if naomi got attacked by an animal (or person) if she wandered off alone. "can someone go with her?" he asked to no one in particular.

micah.

micah was at least used to naomi's rambling. he held up a hand to nathan, hoping to somehow convey that this was the most normal thing that had happened tonight. "naomi, seriously, breathe. you're going to hyperventilate. lana's not dying. she just fainted." he didn't know why, but at least he knew she wasn't dead. (unfortunately.) "trust me, she doesn't die that easy. i've tried." kimi tried to hide both her blooming annoyance and fear, and elected to ignore micah's confession to attempted murder(??) "guys, we all need to calm down. the guy can't get us. we outnumber him anyway, right? it's, like, twenty of us against one. we can find eli's cat, and hike back to the hotel if we need to. just..." she left the sentence open-ended, unsure of what else she could say.

cristian.

raising his brows in offence, cristian stopped looking at the mechanics of the van for a moment and shifted back to naomi at his side. “wow, okay, fuck me then, huh? for your information, princess, i did check if everything was working! not everything is my fucking fault!” he snapped, letting all notions of wanting to stay calm fly out the window. he exhaled deeply, visibly annoyed with how everything was going down, before turning back to the car and examining it thoroughly. what he saw was a mess -- just a bunch of different wires cut in different locations. cristian almost wanted to laugh. “ yeah, well, this is fucked, ” he shook his head.

julian.

“if we can’t leave in the van,” from the ground, julian glared up at cristian, “then we’re staying put. we can’t even go anywhere until lana wakes up. and i doubt she’ll be in any shape to hike.” julian had to actually make sure the girl was still breathing once or twice, growing more and more worried as she continued to lay unconscious.

zachary.

zach had registered all of the chaos that was unravelling before the team. it wasn’t overwhelming in the slightest. in hindsight, even, he reasoned that he had dealt with much more imminent dangers than they seemed to be experiencing. everyone was getting tangled up in the “what ifs.” it was normal of large parties like theirs. when naomi started fuming and cristian returned the sentiment, taking her by the wrists, zach took a cautious step toward them. micah’s sentiment was appreciated—anything to diffuse the situation was worthwhile at this point. but when cristian began to go off, “don’t fucking patronize her like that. and it’s no one’s fucking fault. no one here has anything substantial to go on right now, so just take a second to breathe or meditate or whatever it is you need to do.” when julian spoke up, it was as though the atmosphere had become infinitesmillay more reasonable. “i agree. we’re not being chased right now. if need be, we can rotate taking watch or some shit throughout the night.”

daniel.

daniel made his way over to cris. although he didn't know shit about cars, even he could tell that the van was useless. "no, cris. it's not your fault," he said as he closed the hood. no one else needed to see the cut wires and worry more. "c'mon guys, let's just take a seat and calm down." he led cris and naomi back to the fire, passing naomi off to zach, maybe he could calm her down. "yeah, julian's right. we stay here tonight. nothing bad's gonna happen. first thing tomorrow morning i'll go find service and call someone. we'll be fine." maybe if he said it enough times he'd believe it.

lana.

slowly regaining consciousness, lana began to hear everyone’s muffled voices. she didn’t dare to open her eyes yet, since the pounding of her head made it too difficult to do so. she didn’t remember fainting, but she quickly remembered what happened right before. which led her to groan out loud, “okay. who the hell knocked me out?” she was too afraid to look at who was around her but she spoke anyway.

nathan.

a sigh of relief came from the eldest, "oh thank fucking god." nathan placed his face in his hands, relieved that he didnt have to explain to the university why a student died on his watch. "no one knocked you out, lana. you passed out. though, i want to knock you out for scaring the shit out of us all." he sighed, "but, youre not dead. so im thankful. do you need water?"

julian.

hearing the girl’s oh so familiar annoyed tone, julian looked down to lana. “stay down, lana. just take it easy…” he listened to nathan, nodding along to him. "does your head hurt at all?" from his position right next to her on the ground, he tried to look at her head, but couldn't see much in the dark.

kimberly.

"i'll go find some water," kimi offered, ready to get away from the group. their paranoia was no longer contagious, it was just annoying. "i have some pain pills in my tent, too." she probably didn't, but if it gave her a bit of space, she would lie her ass off, more so than usual. this relationship drama was old, and she couldn't care for lana on her best days, let alone one like this.

lana.

“no, no,” as she spoke, she felt her cheek tingling. “i just need everyone to not touch me,” lana brought her hand up to feel the side of her face. “you’re sure no one knocked me out? why does it feel like it?” her throat was dry, causing her voice to be seemingly more raspy. she wasn’t sure how long she was out for or what happened once she did. frankly, she was afraid to ask.

julian.

"you might have hit your head hard on the way down," he tried to theorize, but wasn't sure. now that she was awake and alert, he inched back a bit, giving the girl some more space. he turned to where kimi was, waiting for the water. "i don't think anyone saw you get hit." he said, trying to give her some comfort.

kimberly.

kimberly had all of ten seconds to herself. with her back to the group, she let her facade drop. it was almost like art, watching such pretty perfection morph into something so ugly and hateful. her stride took on a new sort of bounce. the others wouldn't have noticed, of course; they didn't know kimberly. not really. but she felt more in her element with eyes off of her. she slipped into her tent and let out a quiet groan of frustration. "this fucking team," she murmured, rooting through her bags for water. there was a bottle of pain pills right on the top, but she pushed it aside. she grabbed a water bottle. she'd brought at least a dozen, not just for herself, but for anyone else who might've forgotten to bring one. most of them were full, but she grabbed a half empty one, before rising back to her feet. she breathed deep, putting back on her mask. when she walked outside, her face was the picture of worry as she rushed to lana's side. she handed the water bottle to julian with a remorseful expression. "this was the only bottle i could find, i'm sorry. and my pills went missing. has anyone seen them?" it was hardly important, but she felt the need to ask anyway, if only to cover her bases.

micah.

micah let out a sigh, dragging a hand through his hair. it was a bad idea, considering it felt like he'd just hit himself with his cast, but it felt appropriate. "let's just... go to bed." he looked around at the group of misfit toys. and he thought he had troubles at home. "sleeping in the van might be a good idea after all. don't worry, i'll keep watch."

honorable mentions:

[arsnovac12]

Blog Post 1

I go on runs from time to time when I’m back in Burbank, I enjoy keeping active, but it’s mostly an excuse to get out of the house. When I come home on holiday, I become confined to my parents house without any means of viable transportation. I have my drivers license, sure, but no car. My parents can’t afford to buy me one, and I can’t afford to get one myself. In fact, even if I could afford a car, I certainly couldn’t afford the insurance to go with it. Anyway, all this is to say I go on runs so I don’t feel too confined to my house.

That’s not very interesting, is it? Some things just tend to be that way. The life of a poor twenty-one year old white kid is never all that interesting in the first place. My life, my story, whatever it is, is not irregular. In fact, it’s one most people in America know very well, because it gets championed whenever one of us poor white kids gets rich and famous. Surprise, surprise, it happens pretty frequently.

So why write about it? I don’t know. Does it really matter if no one sees it in the first place? Maybe not. I guess I backed myself into a corner. If you’re reading this (if anyone is reading this) you’re probably expecting me to dive further in. Ultimately, you might say, there’s no point in agonizing over whether or not you’re going to talk about your life, because you already started writing a blog post about it, and it has to go somewhere. It does, doesn’t it? So why start with a lengthy preamble full of rhetorical questions? Besides being a clear literary crutch I’m struggling with, I think I feel indebted to having a conversation or dialogue about these things, as if to hide from some private guilt I have in telling any personal story. Writing has clearly become some sort of therapy to me, where I play both doctor and patient. The results are always inconclusive.

Anyway I should get back to the bullshit lede about running. Look, I like running, and it’s when my head is its most clear, so forgive me for using it as a starting point. Most of my ideas come to me when I run, so it was only fitting that it become the brief anecdote that starts a blog post that holds the kernel of what I’m going for. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t really get to. Look at me, whining before I even finished my “insignificant thing is contorted into something profound” anecdote. Okay, I’ll finish the story:

I like to go on runs. I feel trapped at my house, and I like to get out. Anyway, whenever I run, I take the same path. It leads away from my house towards the park in the hills where people would take their prom photos back in high school. The path mostly runs parallel to the major streets and hits several large intersections on its way. In all, the run from the house to the park and back is about five miles. Yesterday, I reached the park and stopped for some water. This wasn’t irregular or anything, but I took my time and drank more that I usually would. Then, something compelled me to keep running. The hills in Burbank are filled with expensive homes, and near the top of the street, sort of tucked away, there’s a pretty large mansion that’s almost gothic in its design. Anyway, I guess it was my curiosity that drove me to keep going. To get a look at that mansion, and the others around it.

So, I kept running for another half mile or so to see this mansion. On the way up, the houses got larger and more impressive looking, and I was filled with a mounting sense of dread. Eventually I reached the cul-de-sac with the house on its end. Naturally the street, called Viewcrest if you can believe it, was the most decadent one yet. Their driveways were filled with expensive cars I don’t know the names of, carefully manicured lawns, and about ten security cameras lining every porch. I got closer to the end of the street where the imposing mansion was, but it was tucked away from the front and hardly visible. I didn’t get much closer than fifty or sixty feet. The drive way had a large black Hummer sitting in it; another, more psychological warning sign for someone like me to keep away.

I left pretty quickly after I got there. No one was out, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unwelcome. Before I turned the corner and left the street completely, I had the strange desire for someone to come out of their house and scold me for even coming there. In this fantasy, would I stand my ground, or run away as is fitting for my station? My brain firing it’s typically small amount of synapses couldn’t quite make it that far. Instead, I was caught up in the swell of what righteous injustice such a thing should muster.

This story isn’t very interesting, I know. Nothing really happens in it and there isn’t much imagery to it, but it caught me off guard as I thought about it again today. I had the idea to write about the experience soon after it happened while I was still running, but I, ever the proactive one, put it off. In sitting down with it today, I realize how full of shit I am.

Before I go on, I’ll give a little more context for my life. As mentioned briefly before, I’m a poor white kid. My parents are loving if occasionally abusive, or maybe abusive if occasionally loving. We live in my (deceased) grandmothers house and can’t afford any necessary repairs on it to make the place livable. My dad lost his job about a year and a half ago that was going to take him to retirement, now he works at target. My mother is a hoarder, not to the extreme you may have seen on television, but certainly well beyond what the general society might deem as healthy. She works just enough hours at the Disney Corporation’s day care so that they don’t have to give her full time benefits.

Two of my adult brothers still live at home, crowding the house further. They could, should they allot their funds correctly, afford to have their own place, but my parents discourage that sort of thing. Coming from lower middle class families, both of them have really only known economic uncertainty their whole lives. To have their children live lives separated from themselves means certain uncertainty. Plus, when you don’t have the kids at home, there’s no one left to accuse of being a burden.

I, more than any of my brothers, struggled against my parents to have a normal life. For a while I was pretty damaged; my parents fundamental conservatism really did a number on me. I was a hateful kid, saying cruel things to people that didn’t deserve it. When I got to high school, it took a little while, but I became a better person. Still prone to bouts of selfishness, I began to try a little harder for things. I quit running competitively in high school to join the theater, much to my parents chagrin, and also started dating. Naturally my parents tried putting a stop to both.

By the time I finished high school, I had cut ties with most everyone that knew me there. By its end, I had partially realized that I hadn’t progressed all that much as a person and was still rather selfish. My assumptions that people did not like me were eventually proven correct when I had finally done something that had made me worth disliking. I receded further into myself, even more aware of my deepest flaws.

Eventually I made it to college where I became more depressed than I had ever been before. Towards the end of the semester, my mom ordered me to call after weeks of ignoring her. During that phone call, I told her that I wanted to kill myself. Horrified, she said that they could afford to send me to therapy, I said no, it would be too much of a hassle and it would get to be too expensive. She was relieved and thus the matter was settled and never spoken of again.

So today, I sit in my crowded bedroom in my decaying house (yes, there are rats now) and try and write a story, a true story, about how running in the rich part of town made me sad. So often I am desperately seeking a new lede, some way to ease into the story of my life, so I come up with the flimsiest ones imaginable as opposed to just starting from the beginning. I’m no one I tell myself, so why bother in the first place? No one will read it anyway. But so often, I’m met with the same dull idea that I have a story worth telling. The cynic in me is so embarrassed to want to explain away my life that it has to invent a dialogue with no one to justify wanting to tell an over told story. The poet in me wants to make something beautiful out of my life, and will find any excuse to do so in the most meaningless of events. The realist is here with you trying to make sense of these two voices.

I am obsessed with artifice. Look anywhere in my life and you’ll see it. I’m a theater performance major. I sit at home alone and watch movies that very few people like to gage some sensationalist position on. I go running by major streets hoping that someone, anyone from my past will see me and say hello. I run to the park I took my prom pictures at for the hope that some ounce of high school happiness will be absorbed back into myself, so that I can pretend I didn’t lose all my friends from those years by being selfish. I run further into the hills because deep down I know it might lead to something worth writing about. Only to now finally realize there wasn’t much of a story there to begin with. There, or anywhere.

Self pitying is probably what most people would call this. I’ll probably call it that too. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a desperate plea for attention from an empty audience, because the author thinks that’s most poetic of all.

[213hiphopworldnews]

Nicki Minaj’s Upset Tirade Over ‘Queen’ Album Sales Is The Final Straw In A Flawed Campaign

Getty Image / Uproxx Studios

Nicki Minaj may have proven wildly adept at marshaling the powers of the social media sphere to promote her music and outsized persona to unprecedented success for a woman in hip-hop, but over this past weekend, she violated one of social media’s cardinal rules when it was revealed that Houston rapper Travis Scott’s Astroworld second-week sales would eclipse her Queen first-week sales; she reacted, going on an extended rant that proves just how bothered she truly is.

First, there were the tweets. Sunday afternoon saw the assertively outspoken rapper using the platform to try to explain away the perceived commercial failure of the album. “I put my blood sweat & tears in writing a dope album only for Travis Scott to have Kylie Jenner post a tour pass telling people to come see her and Stormi,” she wrote. She continued to try to further elucidate the behind-the-scenes maneuvering that led to Astroworld‘s higher sales totals.

Travis sold over 50K of these. With no requirement of redeeming the album! With no dates for a tour, etc. I spoke to him. He knows he doesn’t have the #1 album this week. I love my fans for the #1 album in AMERICA! I’ll explain on #QueenRadio 4 albums in, #1 in 86 countries pic.twitter.com/CiYEuczgm3

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

“Travis sold over 50K [tour pre-sale access passes that came with a digital copy of the album],” she went on. “With no requirement of redeeming the album! With no dates for a tour, etc. I spoke to him. He knows he doesn’t have the No. 1 album this week.” She bolstered her arguments with comparisons to other big name releases that have dropped in recent months. “I looked at the numbers the Carters, Kanye, Nas, etc recently did. Travis sold 200K in his first week off clothes alone. I spoke to him last night & he said he’s been selling clothes b4 the music. Billboard says they’ll change the rules cuz of this, so it should be changed now!”

I looked at the numbers the Carters, Kanye, Nas, etc recently did. Travis sold 200K in his first week of clothes alone. I spoke to him last night & he said he’s been selling clothes b4 the music. Billboard says they’ll change the rules cuz of this, so it should be changed now!

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Then, her explanations turned downright accusatory as she laid a share of the blame at the feet of Spotify, which she says deliberately sabotaged her promotion on its service to punish her for previewing Queen early on Apple Music’s Beats 1 Radio. “Spotify had to teach me a lesson but rewarded the man who has had an Apple radio show the longest,” she raged. “They took away my promotion they had promised for the first couple days because of this.”

I put my blood sweat & tears in writing a dope album only for Travis Scott to have Kylie Jenner post a tour pass telling ppl to come see her & Stormi. lol. Im actually laughing. #Queen broke the record of being number 1 in 86 countries. Thank Jesus & thank you to my fans.

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

She concluded her tirade by retweeting supportive messages from her staunch Barbz fanbase, which has served as her loyal attack team as much as a listener base. While they were quick to buy into her conspiracy theories as fact, others were much more skeptical, however, wondering why Nicki felt the need to cop such pleas in the first place. After all, No. 2 is nothing to be ashamed of. Billboard reports that Queen racked up 185,000 equivalent album units earned. 78,000 of those were traditional album sales. That’s nothing to shake a stick at; Nicki has still outsold a number of other artists in the hip-hop arena, including the aforementioned Nas — a certified rap legend. She also had the second-largest week for an album by a female artist in 2018 — right after Cardi B, whose Invasion Of Privacy completed its first week with 255,000 units in April.

Spotify put drake’s face on every playlist but told me they’d have to teach me a lesson for playing my music 10 mins early on #QueenRadio. Even tho they’ve been giving away my music for free for years & I am one of the top Spotify artists of all time.

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Spotify had to teach me a lesson but rewarded the man who has had an Apple radio show the longest; inadvertently helping the Apple platform the most. Oh I can’t wait for #QueenRadio on Tuesday. They took away my promotion they had promised for the 1st cpl days b/c of this. #Queen

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

My music went up on Apple so I played it. I assumed it was on Spotify & Tidal at the same time. Spotify said that Apple tweeted fans advising #Queen was up & therefore they had to teach me a lesson. But PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!!!

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

However, maybe that’s the problem. As tiresome as it is to compare Nicki Minaj and Cardi B again, it seems their fortunes have been inextricably linked by the ongoing “are they beefing or not?” narrative that defined the late part of 2017 and early 2018. Nicki herself has made her sales figures her proudest talking point, boasting that “these b*tches is my sons” with regards to album sales since her very first album, Pink Friday. They’re a fixture of any number of interviews about her never-before-seen level of success as a woman rapper. Her sales, as much as any other aspect of her brand, have come to define what she sees as success. So, of course, it rankles that an album in its second week outsold her latest — especially since most albums see a significant falloff in sales in their second weeks.

The thing is, Nicki’s arguments don’t hold up on examination. She sold her album with merchandise bundles as well. She pushed Queen with an extended, dramatic rollout featuring tearful interviews, colorful costumes, multiple singles, late-night appearances, and all the other hallmarks of a traditional promotional cycle. She did everything she could to drum up interest in her album, but her Barbz seemed more interested in harassing journalists than supporting the product when the time came. They mobilized to berate, threaten, and terrorize Wanna Thompson over tweeting that she wished Nicki’s content would mature, but didn’t turn out in the same force to actually support that content given the chance.

Do you know how many women get systematically blackballed out of their positions in an office building & can’t fight back?????

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

There are any number of reasons why Travis Scott outsold Nicki Minaj, but what it most likely boils down to is the music itself — as it should. Travis delivered a fully-fledged, cohesive album, the natural evolution of the sound we’ve come to expect from him. Astroworld is fully realized and bears repeat listens. The numbers bear that out, but anecdotally, I’ve had multiple people point out how many times they’ve listened to it. Plus, it’s emotive, revealing, and occasionally surprising.

Queen sounds like a Nicki Minaj album, yes, but not one she’s put thought into or worked hard on. She may have — but it doesn’t sound like it. It really is so strange to hear someone rapping like it’s 2013. The bars cover the same narrative territory she’s paced for four albums and ten years now. They may be some of her gulliest in a while, with nary an EDM blowout to unsettle the pacing, but they’re still upstaged by treacly pop and a lethargic approach to production.

Besides the lackluster effort on the musical front though, the true culprit might just be the simplest explanation, the enemy of every entertainer who’s chosen to make their living in the rap game: Time. Over time, tastes evolve. Fans grow up. New fans with new aesthetic sensibilities take their place. Today’s rap fans don’t exactly favor hyper-lyrical boom-bap, and on Queen, Nicki is as close as she’s ever come to that style, right down to her Biggie Smalls redux, “Barbie Dreams.”

Furthermore, as social media’s “gotcha”-style aversion to bullying and scandal has grown, Nicki’s use of an attack squadron of bullying cronies has likely turned off many would-be listeners, as has her recent collaboration with controversy magnet, Tekashi 69, whose legal troubles all-too-closely mirror those of Nicki’s brother, who was convicted of raping an underage girl. While Tekashi’s transgression was by no means on the same scale, finding nuance on Twitter is like squeezing blood from a stone. Between the rumors and Nicki’s persistent proxy pestering of anyone who dares criticize her, supporting her seems like a bad bet to many of her former fans and supporters.

People are calling me thinking I’m huffing & puffing. Omg y’all this is sarcasm/dry humor. Yikes. I’m having the most iconNIC time. Come let me kiss you. Who’s coming to the secret show? When people call me & hear me crackin up laughing they seem so puzzled. Loosen up

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Nicki does have one point: It’s very suspect that, of all the artists to collaborate with Tekashi, only Nicki has been called out on this scale. Like nearly every woman in hip-hop before her, she’s judged by a double standard, and that’s wrong. She shouldn’t have to pay for her brother’s actions or those of her collaborators or even those of her fans — but she does have to answer for her own. She is often the catalyst in the Barbz’ attacks. She chose to make her album promo about practically everything but the music, then make the music about none of the intriguing life events many of her fans wanted insight into.

Nicki made herself the “bad guy” in a musical landscape that has turned on hip-hop heels and wants to see heroes flourish. She is the one who hyped up sales as the be-all, end-all, and as much as she protests that “this is sarcasm/dry humor,” it’s hard to believe her when she’s made the same complaints across multiple platforms for hours at a time. As the Queen of online provocation, Nicki has fallen into a trap she should know to avoid — overreacting online is never a good look.

Queen is out now via Young Money/Cash Money Records. Get it here.

source https://uproxx.com/hiphop/nicki-minaj-queen-album-sales-twitter-rant-travis-scott-astroworld/

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I like singing, how will T affect my voice?

We can’t tell you what will happen to your voice- people tend to be able to sing well (once their voice is done changing!) if they could sing well before, but there are instances of people losing their singing voices.

We’ve anecdotally heard of some people on T being able to keep their high notes, but it’s much more likely that you lose your high notes as your vocal cords thicken. 

T will most likely deepen your voice so your range will change, but as long as you continue to practice and don’t overwork your voice into notes you cannot reach anymore your singing voice probably will be okay- different, but okay.

But we can’t guarantee this, and it’s your decision whether testosterone and passing/being comfortable in your body are worth the risks of losing your singing voice for you.

This post has a bit more on singing

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice Pedagogical Notes 

Testosterone And The Trans Male Singing Voice

Training the Transgender Singer: Finding the Voice Inside

Followers, any examples of trans singers on T for us to add? Or any personal experiences to add on?

Followers say:

aeolianchemistry said: have a lot to say about this! i may not be the most coherent bc im half asleep lol, but anyone feel free to message me about this anytime and ask for more details!,

this was my biggest Thing when i was deciding to pursue hrt. ive been in various choirs for years, and its a very Important part of my life. but also my voice was my #1 source of dysphoria, and the #1 thing i needed to change. i searched for weeks to find anything about what to expect from hrt as a singer, esp bc ive heard stories of trans ppl losing their siging voice entirely. i was terrified, and couldnt find resources to shed any significant light on the topic.

and so, in no particular order bc im half asleep, here are some things to expect and things that i’ve experienced so far (almost six months on hrt):

- practice while your voice is dropping! feel it out every step of the way. get to know your voice while it’s changing, and try to maintain those high notes. i didnt do a v good job of this and my high range kinda just shriveled up. i cant be sure that it wouldve been hugely different if id practiced more, but ive heard it does help

- yoir voice will feel different. unfamiliar at times. you wont be using it the same way youre used to. technique will change, placement will change

- my speaking voice shifted downward after just a month or two (i had mild hyperandrogynism before, so this wont be as quick for everyone), before my singing voice did. i didn’t start getting new low range until later, but within my pre-t vocal range, my voice just sat a bit lower than it used to. my low alto filled out more. than i started getting new notes, slowly

- there will be periods of time where it cracks or breaks or is unreliable. dont push it, but dont despair either. keep practicing as well as you can

- my voice is somewhat fragile. if i yell (which i can only somewhat do currently) or push it or force it thru cracks/breaks/weak spots, it will get tired easily and take quite a while to recover. be nice to your voice. dont push high notes if they cause strain. dont push the low notes either, even tho im sure youre excited about them

- your voice will be weak while it’s shifting. this can cause frustration and anxiety. i’m two months into my choir season singing w two and a half choirs, and i’m dealing w lots of Complicated Feelings bc my voice just cant do all the things i want it to. i cant project much, and i certainly dont have the strength (yet) to audition for any of the solos i’d like to. Patience

- the Weird Spots and the Weak Spots will continue to shift around. i have this one area in the middle of my range (currently its about Ab3-B3, but a few weeks ago it was B3-C4) where its weird and weak and its kind of like a break in register but also a bit like a black hole, bc i Cannot Project there and theres no good placement for singing those notes, and notes in the vicinity of those are also Weird but Less So. it’s slowly sliding downwards, and i am learning to navigate it better. i’m hoping it will settle and go away soon, but we’ll see

- breath support is v important. as mentioned, your voice may be quite fragile, and putting strain on it could cause it to glitch out on you for a while. supporting your voice w lots of breath will put less demand on your vocal chords

- NEVER SING IN A BINDER or compressive garment. you need those lungs!

- you’re going to miss out on some of the nostalgic singalongs of old choir songs, bc you no longer have the range to sing your old parts. this is possibly the #1 consequence of transitioning that im the most sad about lol

- i have a very weird quality to my high range rn. it seems to be caught midway between the head voice it used to be and future falsetto or whatever it’s moving toward. for now its just Strange to listen to

the current state of my voice is this:

low range is down to almost the bottom of the bass clef. i can sing down to Bb2, A2 on a good day.

from there up to F3ish is quite comfy and possibly the strongest part of my singing voice, but i do find that if i spend too much time down there it can strain the rest of my range (i used to have this problem before too: if i sang in my low alto range too much or too enthusiastically, my sop range would get tired).

from G3-C4, it’s Awkward. the Awkwardness shifts around, and some parts of it can be more comfy than others sometimes, but it’s all v inconsistent. i cant project much here, and placement is veryvery Weird.

D4-F4ish is typically comfy but has a bit of that Strange quality to it. these notes are a bit floaty, but not bad.

G4-B4 are unreliable. somedays i can get up there. some days it’ll blink out or crack or break or just Not Be There. i am predicting that once my high range settles into a proper falsetto, i’ll be able to work on this range more and it’ll have less of that Strange quality to it, but only time will tell

again, apologies for being Scattered, it’s 1am and ive had a long day. any of yall are welcome to message me for more details ☺

there is a lot of weirdness and weakness and Awkward in the transition period. but while i’m frustrated at times, i’m not worried. everything i’m dealing w is temporary. now i can’t be 100% sure how my voice will settle or when, but i’m not afraid i’ve lost it forever. as far as i’ve heard, the stories of trans ppl who lose their singing voice on t are very rare cases. youre going to go through weeks or months where singing is Weird in constantly shifting ways, but itll keep on moving and developing, and personally i’m so excited to see where it goes.

i’m currently singing tenor2 in my choirs, and occasionally i get to take a trip down and sing baritone. im not even 6months in! that has transformed my choir experience to be even better than before, even w all the awkwardness. it was so weird and beginning to get verg uncomfy to be in a place like choir, which is so important to me, which i love dearly, which has had a significant impact on my life, but which revolved around the use of my one most dysphoric feature. but now i don’t have to worry about that. now i can sing the parts i’ve been wanting to sing for years.

i do occasionally miss some of my old voice. i miss soaring soprano lines, i miss all the old alto parts in songs i used to know. i miss the confidence and strength of a familiar, complete voice. and im allowed to miss those, i dont feel bad about having that longing or sadness, bc i have zero regrets. i also occasionally miss playing with and styling my super long hair, but in five years i have not once regretted cutting it all off. i own those memories and that nostalgia, but i keep moving forward to new and better things

pinesboi said: If you keep working at your voice and take lessons to make sure you never let it get out of practice, everything should be okay. I’m on T now about 3-4 months, and I’m still singing high tenor musical theatre

[213hiphopworldnews]

Nicki Minaj’s Upset Tirade Over ‘Queen’ Album Sales Is The Final Straw In A Flawed Campaign

Getty Image / Uproxx Studios

Nicki Minaj may have proven wildly adept at marshaling the powers of the social media sphere to promote her music and outsized persona to unprecedented success for a woman in hip-hop, but over this past weekend, she violated one of social media’s cardinal rules when it was revealed that Houston rapper Travis Scott’s Astroworld second-week sales would eclipse her Queen first-week sales; she reacted, going on an extended rant that proves just how bothered she truly is.

First, there were the tweets. Sunday afternoon saw the assertively outspoken rapper using the platform to try to explain away the perceived commercial failure of the album. “I put my blood sweat & tears in writing a dope album only for Travis Scott to have Kylie Jenner post a tour pass telling people to come see her and Stormi,” she wrote. She continued to try to further elucidate the behind-the-scenes maneuvering that led to Astroworld‘s higher sales totals.

Travis sold over 50K of these. With no requirement of redeeming the album! With no dates for a tour, etc. I spoke to him. He knows he doesn’t have the #1 album this week. I love my fans for the #1 album in AMERICA! I’ll explain on #QueenRadio 4 albums in, #1 in 86 countries pic.twitter.com/CiYEuczgm3

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

“Travis sold over 50K [tour pre-sale access passes that came with a digital copy of the album],” she went on. “With no requirement of redeeming the album! With no dates for a tour, etc. I spoke to him. He knows he doesn’t have the No. 1 album this week.” She bolstered her arguments with comparisons to other big name releases that have dropped in recent months. “I looked at the numbers the Carters, Kanye, Nas, etc recently did. Travis sold 200K in his first week off clothes alone. I spoke to him last night & he said he’s been selling clothes b4 the music. Billboard says they’ll change the rules cuz of this, so it should be changed now!”

I looked at the numbers the Carters, Kanye, Nas, etc recently did. Travis sold 200K in his first week of clothes alone. I spoke to him last night & he said he’s been selling clothes b4 the music. Billboard says they’ll change the rules cuz of this, so it should be changed now!

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Then, her explanations turned downright accusatory as she laid a share of the blame at the feet of Spotify, which she says deliberately sabotaged her promotion on its service to punish her for previewing Queen early on Apple Music’s Beats 1 Radio. “Spotify had to teach me a lesson but rewarded the man who has had an Apple radio show the longest,” she raged. “They took away my promotion they had promised for the first couple days because of this.”

I put my blood sweat & tears in writing a dope album only for Travis Scott to have Kylie Jenner post a tour pass telling ppl to come see her & Stormi. lol. Im actually laughing. #Queen broke the record of being number 1 in 86 countries. Thank Jesus & thank you to my fans.

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

She concluded her tirade by retweeting supportive messages from her staunch Barbz fanbase, which has served as her loyal attack team as much as a listener base. While they were quick to buy into her conspiracy theories as fact, others were much more skeptical, however, wondering why Nicki felt the need to cop such pleas in the first place. After all, No. 2 is nothing to be ashamed of. Billboard reports that Queen racked up 185,000 equivalent album units earned. 78,000 of those were traditional album sales. That’s nothing to shake a stick at; Nicki has still outsold a number of other artists in the hip-hop arena, including the aforementioned Nas — a certified rap legend. She also had the second-largest week for an album by a female artist in 2018 — right after Cardi B, whose Invasion Of Privacy completed its first week with 255,000 units in April.

Spotify put drake’s face on every playlist but told me they’d have to teach me a lesson for playing my music 10 mins early on #QueenRadio. Even tho they’ve been giving away my music for free for years & I am one of the top Spotify artists of all time.

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Spotify had to teach me a lesson but rewarded the man who has had an Apple radio show the longest; inadvertently helping the Apple platform the most. Oh I can’t wait for #QueenRadio on Tuesday. They took away my promotion they had promised for the 1st cpl days b/c of this. #Queen

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

My music went up on Apple so I played it. I assumed it was on Spotify & Tidal at the same time. Spotify said that Apple tweeted fans advising #Queen was up & therefore they had to teach me a lesson. But PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!!!

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

However, maybe that’s the problem. As tiresome as it is to compare Nicki Minaj and Cardi B again, it seems their fortunes have been inextricably linked by the ongoing “are they beefing or not?” narrative that defined the late part of 2017 and early 2018. Nicki herself has made her sales figures her proudest talking point, boasting that “these b*tches is my sons” with regards to album sales since her very first album, Pink Friday. They’re a fixture of any number of interviews about her never-before-seen level of success as a woman rapper. Her sales, as much as any other aspect of her brand, have come to define what she sees as success. So, of course, it rankles that an album in its second week outsold her latest — especially since most albums see a significant falloff in sales in their second weeks.

The thing is, Nicki’s arguments don’t hold up on examination. She sold her album with merchandise bundles as well. She pushed Queen with an extended, dramatic rollout featuring tearful interviews, colorful costumes, multiple singles, late-night appearances, and all the other hallmarks of a traditional promotional cycle. She did everything she could to drum up interest in her album, but her Barbz seemed more interested in harassing journalists than supporting the product when the time came. They mobilized to berate, threaten, and terrorize Wanna Thompson over tweeting that she wished Nicki’s content would mature, but didn’t turn out in the same force to actually support that content given the chance.

Do you know how many women get systematically blackballed out of their positions in an office building & can’t fight back?????

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

There are any number of reasons why Travis Scott outsold Nicki Minaj, but what it most likely boils down to is the music itself — as it should. Travis delivered a fully-fledged, cohesive album, the natural evolution of the sound we’ve come to expect from him. Astroworld is fully realized and bears repeat listens. The numbers bear that out, but anecdotally, I’ve had multiple people point out how many times they’ve listened to it. Plus, it’s emotive, revealing, and occasionally surprising.

Queen sounds like a Nicki Minaj album, yes, but not one she’s put thought into or worked hard on. She may have — but it doesn’t sound like it. It really is so strange to hear someone rapping like it’s 2013. The bars cover the same narrative territory she’s paced for four albums and ten years now. They may be some of her gulliest in a while, with nary an EDM blowout to unsettle the pacing, but they’re still upstaged by treacly pop and a lethargic approach to production.

Besides the lackluster effort on the musical front though, the true culprit might just be the simplest explanation, the enemy of every entertainer who’s chosen to make their living in the rap game: Time. Over time, tastes evolve. Fans grow up. New fans with new aesthetic sensibilities take their place. Today’s rap fans don’t exactly favor hyper-lyrical boom-bap, and on Queen, Nicki is as close as she’s ever come to that style, right down to her Biggie Smalls redux, “Barbie Dreams.”

Furthermore, as social media’s “gotcha”-style aversion to bullying and scandal has grown, Nicki’s use of an attack squadron of bullying cronies has likely turned off many would-be listeners, as has her recent collaboration with controversy magnet, Tekashi 69, whose legal troubles all-too-closely mirror those of Nicki’s brother, who was convicted of raping an underage girl. While Tekashi’s transgression was by no means on the same scale, finding nuance on Twitter is like squeezing blood from a stone. Between the rumors and Nicki’s persistent proxy pestering of anyone who dares criticize her, supporting her seems like a bad bet to many of her former fans and supporters.

People are calling me thinking I’m huffing & puffing. Omg y’all this is sarcasm/dry humor. Yikes. I’m having the most iconNIC time. Come let me kiss you. Who’s coming to the secret show? When people call me & hear me crackin up laughing they seem so puzzled. Loosen up

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 19, 2018

Nicki does have one point: It’s very suspect that, of all the artists to collaborate with Tekashi, only Nicki has been called out on this scale. Like nearly every woman in hip-hop before her, she’s judged by a double standard, and that’s wrong. She shouldn’t have to pay for her brother’s actions or those of her collaborators or even those of her fans — but she does have to answer for her own. She is often the catalyst in the Barbz’ attacks. She chose to make her album promo about practically everything but the music, then make the music about none of the intriguing life events many of her fans wanted insight into.

Nicki made herself the “bad guy” in a musical landscape that has turned on hip-hop heels and wants to see heroes flourish. She is the one who hyped up sales as the be-all, end-all, and as much as she protests that “this is sarcasm/dry humor,” it’s hard to believe her when she’s made the same complaints across multiple platforms for hours at a time. As the Queen of online provocation, Nicki has fallen into a trap she should know to avoid — overreacting online is never a good look.

Queen is out now via Young Money/Cash Money Records. Get it here.

source https://uproxx.com/hiphop/nicki-minaj-queen-album-sales-twitter-rant-travis-scott-astroworld/