#im with you my spirit tracks homies

[mushyooms]

day 7: drip

[hero-of-fortune]

here’s what i noticed in the NEW ZELDA GAME ANNOUNCEMENT WOOOOO

Sassy little guy. Also that sword…. Lokomo sword??? Could this be new hyrule?

idk. I’ve never played spirit tracks :(

Oh that mf is a ganon, probably not a ganondorf. Hmmm. Downfall timeline? Idk. It would be so funny if lu fandom decided to lump this one in with legend’s games. Guys… he doesn’t need anymore trauma

Let’s go! This was a fucking smart move homie link he’s already earned a spot in my heart as one of my genius scrunkies for shooting the crystal

YEAHHHHHHHH PLAYABLE ZELDAAAAA SHE LOOKS SO CUTEEEEE i know we’ve had ‘playable zelda’ before in spirit tracks and whatnot, but we’ve never had a ZELDA based game. (At least recently lmao)

(I see a bombable wall) and a really big castle! BIG CASTLE TOWN??? MINISH CAP CASTLE TOWN???? COME BACK TO ME BABY\

OKAY GUYS. Top right corner. Consider: kokiri village. if they bring the kokiri back i will scream so loud. I know it’s probably deku scrub houses because they’re also in the trailer, but let a boy dream

oh no :(((( he left his cloak behind poor baby

Okay so the triforce is back. Like really. And look at that little fairy what a scrunky duncky! I love her already

ZELDA IS WEARING LINK’S CLOAK. GUYS I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE IF I SHIP THEM. Look at herrrr also tri is massive. That is a head sized fairy.

Nothing to say but car on the roof. We got fuckin cats in zelda back. Please let us interact with them nintendooooo

THAT’S A GERUDO TOWNNNNN MASSIVE WINNNN!!!! Look at their houses they’re so cute

Um. Yeah. Ummm. @flarree predicted the ‘nice monsters that are on your side’ thing. (Go check out their au it’s really cool) i love this idea so much but i’m also a little sad… i hope they at least give zelda a bow

That is 100% a sheikah right there. Is that impa???? Please let impa be an old lady who kicks ass for her grandbaby. Also why is she fighting the soldiers lmao. Is this a alttp thing where the soldiers get brainwashed?

River and ocean zora. Yes babes im fed. You fed me nintendo it was good soup

Deku scrub selling potions. As he should. Im so glad theyre back it’s been too long babes. Give him his little hat though

GREAT DEKU TREEEE OUR FATHERRRR look at him <3 he looks a whole lot like oot gdt. Okay maybe it’s not adult timeline bc it looks nothing like wind waker gtd

Some sort of rock creature coming out of the ground? A boss? Idk we’ll see. Maybe he’s just a dude.

Other things: uhhh i don’t think we saw any mention of any sort of dungeons, which is kind of odd. Unless they slipped my mind. Huh. Maybe that last pic is a dungeon boss. I’m really excited for this one ngl. AND IT’S COMING OUT THIS YEAR????? THIS YEAR???? NINTENDO REALLY???? SEPTEMBER???? DUDE. Nintendo had officially fed me. Gooooood soup. Thanks

edit: yah there’s dungeons im blind lmaooo.

Also, i’m fairly certain it’s downfall timeline. The geography of hyrule, zelda’s dress, ganon’s design, link’s outfit, the presence of the triforce. I’m so glad the triforce is back after being absent in botw/totk!

[shhhhyoursister]

SHHHHYOURSISTER FIC MASTERPOST (updated 4/13/2020)

hi everyone so this is definitely a super good idea for me to make and will be helpful for people who wanna read my fics, and for me to keep track of all of the random shit i write!!!!! so here we fuckin GOOOO (sorry about how long this is gonna be lmao im gonna try to update it every time i write a fic whoops)

AO3 FICS

david and jonas find a kitten 

self indulgent shotgunning fic 

abdi and carlos are a little confused (about top surgery) but they got the spirit 

david gets MAD when he can’t beat a level of a video game

og hickey fic

hans gives david the talk

random lil soft morning depression fic

(nsfw) just gonna keep it simple and say the 3pt masturbation fic (plus a lil extra)

(nsfw) matteo is an asshole to the boys and david is not happy about it

(nsfw) matteo wakes up and notices that david is naked under the covers

THE CAMP AU (ncu!david backstory)

(nsfw) THE RA!AU

TUMBLR FICS

RANDOM STUFF I WANTED TO WRITE

david gets his top surgery date

(nsfw) david is busy, matteo tries to distract him

davenzi anniversary fic

post-top surgery laura pov

sappy bastard david

proposal pt2 (”wedding”)

davenzi texting

matteo leaves the oven on

“being in a relationship is weird”

eyelash day thing

s3ep10c3 continuation

PROMPTS

prompt: “can you write davenzis first pride??”

prompt: “person a desperately needing to pee/shit but person b is in the shower and there is only one bathroom”

prompt: “you can keep it” (ft. drunk!david)

prompt: “t’s just a  ___, nothing to worry about”

prompt: “person a and person b trying to converse while one (or both) of them brushes their teeth”

prompt: “omg please write matteo taking care of drunk david!!!!” (pt2)

prompt: “you came into my room at 4am, to cuddle?” (abdi and matteo) (pt2)

prompt: “can you write write about matteo and david talking about trans stuff?”

prompt: “can you write some dumbass davenzi with a side of brain cell squad for a homie” (ft drunk!matteo)

prompt: “i want you to fight for me” and “angsty davenzi fic please???” (tw: transphobia)

prompt: “could you maybe write about david and matteo cuddling?”

prompt: “something/anything about what a gremlin matteo is and how much david loves him for it??”

prompt: “david walking around shirtless” 

prompt: “davenzi dancing”

prompt: “another hickey fic”

prompt: “matteo messing up”

prompt: “david buys matteo flowers”

prompt: “you didnt have to get me anything” (amira and matteo)

prompt: “david and dysphoria”

prompt: “i guess we have something in common”

prompt: “combine your gremlin-ness with matteo”

prompt:  “davenzi on one of the first evenings after they've moved in together”

prompt: “ sara and leonies first reaction/confrontation with davenzi

prompt: “kissing or fooling around in the rain”

prompt: “matteo being cold and clingy”

prompt: “ david thinking about how much he loves matteo, them play fighting and making out”

prompt: “talking about having kids”

prompt: “david has a nightmare”

prompt:  “david feeling overwhelmed/afraid of how much he loves matteo”

prompt: “ david and matteo getting a pet”

prompt: “a return to the pool for an anniversary with a picnic”

prompt: “ i NEED to hear/read david say “good boy”

prompt: “david is having a really shitty day but he knows matteo will make it better”

prompt: “please dont cry” (parent!davenzi)

(nsfw) prompt: “i think that’s the first time i’ve heard you moan…it was like a fucking melody.”

(nsfw) prompt: “just let me finish this and i swear ill go down on you until you come at least three times.”

prompt:  “are you trying to turn me on or are you really just that oblivious?”

prompt: “take off your clothes”

prompt: “david grabbing matteo's face to kiss him”

prompt: “you ever think about david drawing on matteos back”

prompt: “aloof”

prompt: “hickey anon, matteo waking up with lots of hickies”

prompt: “david trying to worm his way into cuddling matteo while he’s playing a video game”

prompt: “pool”

prompt: “mask”

prompt: “hold”; “discussing trans things”

prompt: “hands”

prompt: “storm”

prompt: “almost kiss but established relationship”

prompt: “david having a bad day and matteo getting him to talk about it and trans angst”

prompt: “shotgunning”

prompt:  “I’m gonna strangle you.” “Is that a promise?”

prompt:  “Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you?”

prompt: “There’s people here.” “I know.”

prompt: “more gremlin matteo”

prompt: “david swooning over matteo”

prompt: “trophy (camp!au)”

prompt: “tease”

prompt: “compromise”

prompt: “sensual (ra!au)”

(nsfw) prompt: “david wakes matteo up with a blowjob”

prompt: “david subtly checking matteo out”

prompt: “david is annoyed because his alone time with Matteo gets disturbed”

HCs

(nsfw) prompt: “thank you for coming”

(nsfw) prompt: “matteo being baby and david being VERY top”

prompt: “can you expand on matteo being a baby when hes sick”

prompt: “you came into my room at 4am, to cuddle?” (davenzi)

prompt: “more of david and matteo talking about trans stuff”

(nsfw) prompt: “david begging matteo to do something”

prompt: “davenzi making out”

(nsfw) prompt: “can you elaborate on the humiliation/degradation stuff??”

prompt: “davenzi hcs”

(nsfw) prompt: “matteo’s praise!kink”

matteo complimenting david

“matteo.....are you vaping????”

prompt: “what davenzi's been doing since s4 ended”

prompt: “matteo and depression (davids pov)”

prompt: “when do you think matteo is the most needy?”

prompt: “do you think matteo knows he’s a twink?”

prompt: “showtime”

prompt: “numb”

prompt: “cuddle clingy david”

prompt: “plant”

prompt: “appearance hcs”

prompt: “romantic hcs”

prompt: “sleeping hcs”

prompt: “likes/dislikes hcs”

short sweet new years thing

david loving matteo’s clinginess

matteo thinking about vampires at night

autistic matteo

matteo and stimming

matteo cant find the sweater he wants to wear

matteo stimming to music

matteo and david’s hair

prompt: “david had a bad day, matteo annoys him”

mouth to mouth

prompt: “muse”; “believe”

david wants to smoke

david complimenting matteo

matteo sees a kid at the store

prompt: “some autistic matteo hcs”

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[malamelodies]

mind tricks

my mind is going a million miles a minute. the clock states its 322 in the morning. had an argument with man friend that started with the intention of me sharing that I'm scared and easily nestled its way into the past, and then getting defensive then we couldn't hear each other any more. and now I feel like I'm on eggshells, even though I want to believe its all in my mind. I want to lean into the dreams and hopes. I heard my name being whispered to me as I tried to doze off to sleep. who is calling me? is it my higher self or a spirit of the sorts. all of this is happening and I try not to feel alone, but I do. being an only child is catching up to me. I need to talk with Emma about this. really get to the root of why its effecting me so much. with man friend, it could either go one way or the other. he leans into it or he doesn't. how do I maintain my equilibrium in whatever is decided. I saw a myriad of images as I tried to fall asleep, krater induced, Im sure. a baby boy. proposal. why does it follow me? he says wait at least a year until we talk about marriage. in hindsight, that's totally what I want too, but then I think about my age and I want to push it. how do I balance that. how do I trust that it will happen. and I acknowledge that part of me wants to lean into parenthood because then I feel like then I can feel secure in us becoming a team. its so silly. I have never wanted it that way. I want it to be intentional and loved up and showing devotion to holding each other. I want to feel safe with my partner. is it because I want to cultivate it within myself? its said that we are reflections of one another, so in all that I say and see in him, do I just need to reverse the dialogue to becoming internal towards myself. im getting so confused because I sincerely believe in community and devotion. dad always said a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice if its for someone we love, and I think im being flexible but am I not being flexible enough? the way he casually states that if what he wants isn't in alignment with mine right now, that I can so looks for it elsewhere... that hurts my feelings so deeply. it allows me to feel disposable. that he doesn't mind if I never show up again, this past week and past weekend have been so magical, him sharing his commitment towards me. can it all change within a day. mom even said at one point “they might wake up one morning and not love you anymore’ how is that even possible? my brain and heart and spirit cannot comprehend that. alas, it is the truth for some people. what lessons are to be learned here. my first thought is trust. yes yes trust. the concept I lean into but not too much. is it because, well, I don't truly trust? ha aint that a big ol pickle. 

people tell me that not this phase has ended at LoveNest that I need to be very clear on what. want next. what if I dont know? what fi I have general ideas? I want to live with Jedidiah, I want to grow my business. I want a garden, two of these are dependent upon me. and I feel bad, I actually feel bad that ti am putting that kind of pressure/expectation on him. its like genie in a bottle, I can iwhs for things, but not love. part of me believes that if I have a booming business, then the love with come 10 fold. it shows independence and dedication. im actually going to look up craft fairs; and the fist link I click states that they're cancelled. invest my money properly.

that is another desire. weekends being filled up with craft fairs to table at. and farmers markets. then to invest $5000.00 in stock and for them to double in a few months and exponentially keep growing. put $2000.00 in bonds and keep them there for a longer period of time. in 6 months I want to successfully sell my car and get an SUV. self focus and self care will allow for the biggest desire to flourish. 

the main thing that moving out of this house has shown me, is I can get horse vision around something that only I can do. I would like to get that with my job now. within the first few months into this new year, I want to bring in 4000. 10 orders of 100 dollars. switch the focus onto audible books about business and marketing. people who want to team up. I've received os much support for moonflower essence along the way. and I truly feel that its a family affair. I want to have employees and a warehouse. I need to get in. get my clinical herbal certificate. take that seriously. continue to expand on ways I can keep growing. the vision I got from the breast workshop.. I want that tremendously. I was able to feel it. it reminds me of the magic of burning man and the first time I want I was told not to imagine what it would look like, rather than the feeling it is. I feel confident. at ease. loved tremendously. I feel important and cared for. the capacity to help others because I am the flowering card of osho. I feel sexy, inspired and creative. creating new products along with art and music. working up to a real size harp. taking on responsibilities with ease and laughter. witty. feeling beautiful. my skin radiant. such a healthy body. experimental with cooking. emotionally mature and intelligent. able to provide for my parents. dancing and laughter. traveling. open to try new things. charisma. enchantment. 

and the little girl in me wants to be proposed too, have a love ceremony. have a husband/parter who will draw my bath and rub my feet. thoughtfulness, and brings so much laughter and care. that we continue to crack each other up into old age, that the grandkids love us and we've built a beautiful support system of friends who have become family. lots of gathering and sexy time exploration. we travel the world together and as a family. we genuinely care for each other and continue to tend to the garden of love in incorporating things like therapy and tantra and nonviolent communication and dance and singing together and cooking melas together. we make a great team and NOTHING is fleeting, we are devoted to each other. not codependent. we are independent and live our own lives, and there is NO wavering in the fact that we are in it to win it till our last breath and beyond. I see movies where the couple is old but they are in it together. through the hard times and the difficult. the world has turned upside-down, but they still have each other. rom-com success. I believe in that. I see that with my parents. and when I feel it in my heart, I feel it within me too. and out of all the people in the world, by heart keeps whispering Jedidiah. but I need to keep it under wraps. I feel like as soon as I lean into it, and show him a smidgen more than the bare minimum, he steps away. and what is crazy is that he thinks I already love him so much, but its not even the full surface. as soon as a I feel a promise of commitment, wowed. fireworks and shooting stars. 

but until that day come, if it ever comes, I need to just focus on me. 

he doesn't see the point of proposal, and that within itself is a red flag. its something so incredibly special. but here I ma. being flexible and putting my desires at the way side, until, so I hope, he comes around. but wha tif he doesn't? what if is all talk. why do I keep believing in it? I want to feel empowerment in being a hopeful romantic vs a hopeless one. I have a really big heart.and I know the capacity is limitless. I just want. family. a big ol; family. I want to legit call Amy Jera and Sarah my sisters. to call Peter dad and Kathleen mom. I feel so weird for wanting that because homie isn't not he same page. every time I drive over train tracks, for years, I wish that he proposes. every time I hold my breath through a tunnel, I wish that were married.and I know when that happens the business and morey situation will be thriving, because he doesn't want me for just me, hell want me for my accomplishments. its fucking gross, but its true. even with the trailer, I thought he wanted to move in together and now I feel he wants to do that because the trailer will be under my name. is it just a story? or is it the truth? when will I become we? for now, sleepy heard, get some rest and read up on fairs and stocks tomorrow/today. I love you. 

[siirkaian]

so having finished writing this is.............. a rambling adventure of a post but

ive been sorta on the fence about adding siirka into the story bc like. literally siirka was the second character of the story i ever created but. was the one that created the story bc barren was the first siirkaia character i made but they werent created as a part of siirkaia, it was after siirka (in the form of ace) that the story was a thing. anyway. i have bad experiences w an actual spirit who pretended to be? was? a part of siirka irl and so im like FUCK if ill ever give that bastard screen time! plus siirka himself is an absolute asshole and works more as the mythical lovecraftian terror i want him to be if hes never actually shown beyond his like........ body’s omnipresence. like all the animals in siirkaia are bright white approximations of earth animals bc spoiler alert. siirka once saw Earth and the story is he loved the way humans screamed so he wanted to make an entire world with entities like humans but more subservient to torment and he did so. out of his own hair? complcated. and so the only entities that are “real” in siirkaia are the Demos/human equivalents, all the animals are white bc siirka is the white god, white hair and skin. so its implied hes literally the planet itself and the animals and. an awful but extremely powerful god whose mere presence means torture and destruction being absent from the world.............. but questionably present? most of siirkaia is supposed to be........... in my head at least, and if i ever write it or make comics, siirkaia is supposed to be a mystery. barren the main character has visions, like youre supposed to piece things together like a soulsborne game lmaO and the idea of figuring out that hold on, all the animals are white, siirka is possibly the planet itself asleep, does that mean siirka has been the animals this whole time? Is he awake and watching everyone through the animals? if not then when he wakes up what will happen? Animals outnumber demos like a million to one given all the types of animals out there......... plus the demos then are really alone. Dunno! I like that

but like............ siirka cant show up bc he’s literally fucking unstoppable, he shows up in the Earth AU which is. canon. bc its literally the cast of siirkaia reincarnated on Earth (barren/kindle are reincarnated, so is Mercy and siirka as O’sullivan, but Stardust appears in a human form visible to humans like a normal person but is actually a spirit, moving back and forth between siirkaia’s world and Earth....) but like. siirka’s mind was taken in a war and thrown by mercy into the ocean of earth so. he shows up like a fucking kaiju emerging from the water when the O’sullivan brothers die, uh. basically his consciousness is kept occupied by reincarnation, the osulliivans are the last of his incarnations, he wakes up. anyway. the asshole fucking dickhead of a spirit took the form of the youngest osullivan brother and you see! I dont want to give that idiot anymore attention than he deserves (none) because the spirit feeds off it and like................ fuck him lmfao

so its like........... the complication is that the ending climax of the story is that urenka- revives siirka’s body OR is possessed by siirka and destroys the world (not intended, hes screaming and crying while he does so because oops hes 99% dependent on siirka, built to be a servant and nothing more) since you know. siirkas body is the world, when its animated again everything is reduced to white hair/white rings in geometric patterns but im like...................... do i WANT siirka there?????????? Forget the spirit thing, theres no greater terror than the unknown baybey!!!! and introducing siirka............ Like he already shifts shape like urenka- does but even worse, wildly, its like a deep dream video in a literal nightmare, impossible to keep track of, his mood switches several times within sentences to wild ends, he does whatever the fuck he wants with every action whether thats tearing people to shreds or crying or terrifying people with his appearance or........................... a million inhuman things i could never conceive of, but their very idea can be captured without confining him to a human depiction....................................... see the issue?? I need him at the end, but i cant show him

anyway. this fuckin wandering rant was. unintentionl. i just wanted to joke that im here saying “fuck you siirka youll never be in this fuckin story” and then i realised i named the story siirkaia. literally supposed to be “siirka’s absent”/””no siirka”/etc LMFAO in my defence. siirkaia has been called A Prince’s Tale for like at least half a decade so i forgot but like. fuck siirka all my homies hate siirka

[umgnetwork]

#MrDopeChef - In a session the series continues. So my first assumption was the chair has spirit that knocks people out to sleep but now what the hell is going on here... We have ghost ad libs on the track, im going to need @chinamac to cut me a ✔ check for the unique sound with that snore clap... @tonymannsion what do you want to do cause your ad lib is 🔥 homie... Who needs a ad lib my boy sitting back doing that in his sleep.... 😆 literally.... Aye this the new wave.... (at Urban Media Global) https://www.instagram.com/p/B89r6WQg_nr/?igshid=4vcb4rqvvvjr

[jess-oh]

Reflection

[song of today]

oOPS, ive been getting kinda lazy again. but before i forgot or fell asleep... i wanted to type this post to just catch up on everything thats been going on.

i just watched part of the thailand team’s vlog and it made me really miss guatemala. i keep saying that theres 1 moment that i will never forget. and while that’s still true, i remembered another time. i remembered on our last day at our first village and everyone was in a giant circle and we were getting ready to leave. but in an attempt to start heading over, a bunch of the kids latched onto me and i pretended to be losing strength as i inched forward, bit by bit. but more and more kids continued to latch on until they were actually too heavy for me to carry and i fell over. but i remember. i remember lying down on the floor in the middle of the circle and being filled with so much joy. i laughed in pure bliss along with the kids. and i didnt care that we were in the middle and i could feel my team judging me for just suddenly breaking the circle. but i didnt care. i was so happy to just be there in that moment with the kids. i just remember hoping that claire was taking a video or at least a photo of us bc it was a moment that i never wanted to forget. and i can feel my memory slipping away but man, that kind of joy...it doesn’t come everyday. i miss that feeling. of just laughing my head off without a care in the world, just so incredibly glad and blessed to be with those kids. having that childlike spirit. what a powerful moment that i hope to never forget.

and the second, just to resolidify the memory, was when our team danced and sang english vbs songs in the pouring rain. we didnt care that it started raining. in fact, we werent even phased. we had a job and we were going to do it. and man, even though the kids and the adults didn’t understand and looked at us with confusing as we sang in english, i will never forget how empowered i felt. as we sang “strength and shield,” and i turned to my team from the front and yelled, “READY? 1. 2. 3!” And then turning back to the front and jumping and yelling, “I’M JUMP JUMP JUMPING FOR JOY! I’M SHOUT SHOUT SHOUTING MY THANK YOU. I’M SING SING SINGING MY LOVE. TO GIVE YOU ALL MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I GIVE MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU.” The body movements. The songs. The singing. Everything. Just being there alongside my team. So fueled and pumped up. I loved every bit of it. And I hope that I never ever forget it. I loved doing all those VBS songs. English and Spanish. And while I’m sad that I can’t remember everything, I would happily learn again. There’s something so empowering about just dancing and singing those songs. 

i remember how awful i felt post mission and how i felt so useless bc i couldn’t adapt to the new situation at hand. and even though it was a mission trip, i still thought so much about how my team saw me and that filled me with so much anxiety and self hatred. i felt so useless on the trip bc i didnt know how to catch up. i couldnt catch up. i was too much of a control freak to account for that situation. and i regret it. i wasnt useless. i drew and colored so many posters. i led the body worship. and even though i was flawed and our lies skit wasnt as as strong as it couldve been, i still served. i did my job and i went through with it and thats what mattered. i impacted their lives. i remember when we had to break off into groups and while at first i thought i was bringing a group of 20 people to my area, 50+ people ended up coming. my group was way larger than anyone else’s but i didnt complain. i adapted to the new situation and i still carried out my duty. i accepted the help from our chisec homies and even though i took longer than everyone else, i still did it. i made sure everyone had the beads and the bracelet. i did it. i felt so shitty bc i didnt plan the crafts well enough. i kept relying and pushing judy when i didnt plan for my own part myself. but i did it. we did it. it happened and everything worked out in the end. on our night of debrief, i wanted to do daily QT&reflection as well as sleep before midnight and while i did try, i kinda gave up. but i have kept up with the reflections at least! but i remember my team saying i should do something that has to do with my family since our relationship was shit. but i refused. and idk if that was the right choice or not but i honestly believe that the time we spent away and apart from each other, helped way more than any kind of talking would have. we’re open now. before? i think we would’ve all been too stubborn to understand. 

Now onto the events of the past few days. Honestly, I don’t really remember what I last posted so I’ll just go by memory and make it brief. The other night. Two days ago? I hung out with Andrew and although it was awkward, I was able to introduce the topic of religion without it being too weird and for that, I am grateful. I’m also happy that God’s been allowing us to spend more time together. Just one on one. He is still Andrew but he does act differently around David. Also, I’m 98% I already wrote about this so let’s move on.

Yesterday, I met up with the PAL Presidents and Hazel. I was pretty salty toward PAL at first bc I waited 20min for them at in-n-out, only for them to ask me to come to El Mo, somewhere I was previously right next to since I went to Chase earlier that day. Begrudgingly I went but I’m glad that I decided to give them a chance. It was nice to catch up briefly with Daniel since we were both in UBMS and hear about their plans for the coming year and share my knowledge and experience as well. They’re on the right track. And while they’ll most definitely have issues with the class, I believe in them.

Afterwards, I met up with Hazel and in-n-out and regrettably ordered way too much food. I didn’t get a drink and yet, I was still dying. I got a double double, animal style fries, and a strawberry shake. But I’m still happy I did it. It was great. She’s pretty nervous about the coming year since she’s the new EIC along with someone else for yearbook and while I cannot confidently say that she’ll succeed, I do believe in her effort. I think she does have a lot of potential and have grown so much since I first met her her sophomore year. And I’m really glad and proud of how far she’s come since then. I do think it kind of sucks that the editors forced the position onto her but I think she’ll try really hard and I’m even proud of her for that. I did vent a bit about how terribly my senior year in yearbook and revealed to Hazel everything that happened behind the scenes. But I’m happy I got it off my chest. But at the same time, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m over gossiping. This was just a step back. I did start looking for files for her but since most everything was on my school email and that was shut down... there was only so much that i could do. I’m still looking for some things that could help her. Admittedly, I have been a bit lazy in my research but I really don’t have a lot of stuff left. I am going to try and drop off my old yearbook binder and notebook and see if that’ll help at all but... who knows. It looks like trash to me but maybe she can find some sort of inspiration from it. 

sidenote: i was so full and lazy from my food that i convinced my sister to pick me. honestly, i shouldnt been more attentive to my phone when i originally asked her to get me but im thankful nonetheless that she actually came back out just to get me. but wtf in-n-out. howd it take you 12min to make lightly cooked fries???

but onto today, 

IIiiii, ran some errands and then met up with Rena today and while we did have a pretty great conversation and were able to keep it up for hours and hours.... we did talk about other people a lot. And I kind of hated that. We never meant to. It just started from her not knowing that so many people were sophomores. But. I kind of hated it. It felt like 2 steps back for me. And I knew it too. I kept trying to ween off that conversation but somehow, we always found ourselves back on it. Talking about other people. Not necessarily in a bad light and they werent people we knew nothing about but still. I think once we started talking about the people we knew in a relationship, it really became gossip but I didn’t know how to drop it. But man, I am filled with such regret. I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I just called ourselves out on it. But I am happy that I got to spend that time with Rena. I just hope she doesn’t see me as the gossip girl now though. I doubt it but... still.

It is something that I still need to work on and be more aware of.