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psichologystudent · 5 years

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Heavy

*Trigger warning*

I don’t usually put these kinds of things out here. The purpose isn’t to gain sympathy or support as much as it is to document a moment of realization/growth in my own life that I hope can offer a sense of solidarity to someone else.

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you realized things aren’t as they seem? I had one of those recently that impacted everything I thought I knew. I guess I should start by telling you a bit about myself. I’m that stereotypical child who survived boatloads of every kind of trauma imaginable, got away from the dysfunction, grew up, and got a doctorate in psychology. Oh wait, that’s not stereotypical?

Even though I look like I’m coping better than most, there are times when every day is a struggle. Days when I don’t leave the house because the thought of doing so leaves me paralyzingly anxious and overwhelmed. Days when the self-critical voice in my head (yes, clearly internalized parental criticism) is so loud I can’t see past it. Days of depression, feeling sad for no clearly identifiable reason, and of course, a lifelong habit of questioning my existence. I struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and asserting boundaries appropriately. These things have gotten better over the years, but damn, it’s been hard-won progress.

Here’s the thing — if you ran into me on the street, you’d never know. I easily pass as just another confident, intelligent, athletic, adventurous, and passionate millennial. If you got to know me a little better, the trauma might seep out occasionally. That’s the exception.

I spent about a year going to three different therapists. When I told one that I was depressed, he was adamant that he could see no evidence for that as I arrived to appointments with perfect makeup and hair. He refused to budge even after I explained I was simply trying conforming to my workplace dress code. Then, when I mustered the courage to talk about my persistent body image issues, he responded by telling me he found me attractive and would refrain from saying more lest I felt uncomfortable. LOL. Another therapist suggested wine for my anxiety. By the time I entered treatment with the last one, someone who actually had experience treating people with trauma, I tried for as long as possible to hide my graduate psychology training, thinking it would make a difference. It didn’t. I still looked far too put together to be falling apart.

There are a few people who have expressed their surprise that my siblings and I are relatively successful adults who have integrated into society appropriately, and aren’t prostituting and drug addicted. Whew, glad I exceeded someone’s expectation for once in my life.

When you’re a child, you see your parents as fundamentally good, regardless of the quality of their parenting. This results from a few factors. For one, at a young age, individuation and distinguishing the self from parental figures continues to be an ongoing process. You can’t see someone as bad when that person is experienced as a part of yourself, so you align with the abusive parent and adopt their view of you as your own. Secondly, the emotional cost of viewing someone you depend on for your very survival is high, so abused children with no escape begin to develop sophisticated cognitive defenses. Mine were in the form of intellectualization, denial, and splitting — more on this later.

Parents function as a child’s barometer for what is normal and what constitutes a dangerous situation. A broken barometer in the form of a dysfunctional parent-child relationship provides an inaccurate reading. That child grows up with a skewed understanding of what to expect in their adult relationships, and their relationships with men and women often mirror respective relationships with their father and mother.

For a REALLY long time, I saw my father as the “bad” remorseless abusive parent. I cut him out of my life completely when I was 22. I just couldn’t handle going to grad school full-time and dealing with his continued control and mind games. After that came his calls to my school hoping to gain access to my address, threats to show up at my home and campus, and communication with my professors through my LinkedIn.

Conversely, my mother seemed full of remorse and guilt about the way she’d raised her children. She wrote me several letters full of apologies and emotional baggage that she’d send during important occasions like holidays and birthdays. In hindsight, it was merely another way of taking something that was mine for herself. She’s still got a minor child at home. She’s still married to my father. He’s still abusive. And yes, I have gotten child protective services involved on multiple occasions.

A few weeks ago, I was on the verge of a big move across the country--one that would likely preclude any in-person conversations with my mother for a while. I decided to confront her with a few questions about my childhood. One in particular that I’d been thinking about for a while. “Do you remember the time I told you that I’d just tried to kill myself, and you said ‘okay’ and walked away?” Without missing a beat she responded calmly, coldly even. “No, but I remember that time you tried to kill someone and almost ended up in prison.”

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL.

(Spoiler alert: I’ve never tried to kill anyone other than myself, and I’ve never been arrested.)

I remember the feelings that washed over me. Shock. Disbelief. Frustration with her lack of emotion. A disorienting sense of betrayal. The best way I can describe how it felt physically is those movie scenes where someone’s locked in a soundproof glass box, and they’re banging against the box but no one hears them. It was a sensation of banging my head against thick glass that rippled through my body.

It finally made sense--the reason she was okay with continuing to choose an abusive man over her children. She didn’t even remember my childhood for what it was--for what she had made it. Our stories about the same events were different. She couldn’t remember emotionally abandoning her child at one of the most painful and dark times of my life--but she remembered something horrible about me that never happened. And she was not about to validate a reality--my reality--that she’d help shape.

During that same conversation, I opened up about some of the struggles my siblings and I continue to experience to this day because of the way we grew up. Her response to that? “Well, I guess leaving didn’t help you, then.” I talked about the lifelong effects of trauma (which has long been an academic and clinical interest), only to be blown off again. “I just don’t let it affect me.” I’m so glad that’s a conscious decision for you, Mom. How abuse affects you really isn’t that much of a choice when you’re 5 years old. What hit me the hardest was that as much as my childhood sucked, if she could have done anything to change it, she wouldn’t have. The evidence for this continues with my youngest sibling still at home.

Experiences are not always a choice. Healing is a choice. But let me preface that by saying that coping skills don’t equal true healing. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got all the coping skills. I’m still in the process of healing, but even that won’t completely erase the impact of what I survived. The body remembers and so does the mind.

Endnote: If you’re a parent reading this and it speaks to you in some way, PLEASE seek out help. If not for yourself, then for the sake of preventing my story from one day being your child’s. If you’re a survivor of childhood trauma, know that it does get better--and it is worth working with a competent trauma-informed therapist--not all are like mine.

Resources: National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

#trauma psychology #selfreflection #family #familydynamics #childhood trauma #therapist in therapy #therapy #dysfunctionalrelationship #healing #growth #self-acceptance #post-traumatic growth #psychology #psychotherapy #familypsychology

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promomagazine · 7 years

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Interview-Ingrid Alice: Fashion photographer creates a wonderland of her own

-Do you agree that you are challenged everyday to create something that has never been created?

Constantly. The sheer number of images that get uploaded to Instagram alone every day (on average 60 million photos per day) creates enormous pressure and an expectation to continuously create images that stand out in a crowd, of well 60 million.

I do however try my very best to entirely focus on what I am doing and what projects we have on at any given time. Ultimately, I believe in monitoring success by happy clients, successful campaigns, and bookings. As amazing it is to get social media recognition - I see this more of a gentle indication that we are on the right path as opposed to a sign of success.

-Can you describe your creative process? What do you look for when creating a shoot and do?

My process begins at 3am in the morning, when the world is quiet, I can think clearly and my creative brain kicks in. I often send messages to my team, by daybreak, we have great excitement over our air waves.

Creative conversations will start flying around 5am.

I look for concept and story line, I am often inspired by poetry, books, music, myths and legends. I look for the “make-believe”, seeing an image in my minds eye, and then creating the visual representatives of that - the story will then transform and develop from there.

I don’t shoot real life, I’m not an enormous fan of real life. Photography is my escape into a world of wonder and magic. A world of enchantment… where stories are always grand.

My Team. The people I work with are creative powerhouses. We are a very small team of focused creatives. Mostly however, I look for like-minded people, creatives who share my design aesthetics. People from my tribe who can take an idea and concept and transform it into something BIG. I never work in large teams.

I look for very strong character driven women for models. Women that are beautiful but fierce. I like strength in my images.

-You have to have a favorite artist in mind that drives your creativity or inspires you, who is it?

Jack Vettriano. His work feeds my soul. I can spend hours searching though his paintings, imagining stories and subtexts in the overall mood of his work. You can feel tension, emotion, love, hate, sadness, seduction, loneliness, youth. I feel like his narratives tell 10 000 stories, each of them different from the viewers perspective and life experiences.

-How would you describe yourself as a person & artist?

A little peculiar perhaps. Upside down in Wonderland comes to mind. As a person, quiet and reserved, a little too serious at times - most times really. I tend to have strong opinions. A dreamer, a boho flower child with a rock n roll soul with a constant urge to travel the word with my camera and a backpack.

As an artist, constantly striving, a fierce workaholic. I do not lead anything that resembles a “normal” life.

-How did you know you wanted to be a photographer?

The short answer is, I didn’t. This creative craft came to me later in my career. I have been a Creative Director for most of my life. A few years ago, I was working on a print publication, where we had to produce a fashion shoot. I took one look at this cool photographer, who spent his days outdoors, creating amazing images, and thought that this looked like a very good way to spend my time.

Initially I was only going to be more of a hobbyist. However through a series of life changing events, my Photography took on a whole energy of its own. In hindsight I feel so strongly that I could never produce the work my team and I create, had I not had those years working as a Creative Director, and the work experiences that I was lucky enough to enjoy over that time. I believe photography came to me at the right point in my career.

I do however feel I am at the beginning of this journey and cannot wait to see how my work changes and expands over the next years.

-Do you have a favorite photographers who inspire you? Why is that?

I am totally and completely obsessed with the work of Sarah Moon and Paolo Roversi. Their use of color and the images they create are hauntingly beautiful and stay with you forever. Tim Burton’s story-telling narrative, simply takes my breath away.

-In the artistic world of photographers, do you see yourself not only trying to achieve your perfect shoot but also being known for your work?

All I honestly want in this life - is to create amazing images, work with talented people, and have happy nice clients who I love. With regards to the world of photographers, it is extraordinary to be recognized for what you do, but again as mentioned before - this is perhaps more of an indication that we are“on the right path”. I do not work for anyone else other than my clients, my team and myself. We focus strictly on what we are doing and creating.

-If you could shoot an editorial anywhere in the world, where would you go? Why is that?

Eze on the French Riviera. The entanglement of the cobbled streets which lead down secret alleyways into hidden squares, with an internal vista of blue ocean skies, makes for a striking backdrop. I can almost imagine walking at night, lantern in hand, down candle lit enchanted pathways, passing Nietzsche, Yeats, Monet, Picasso, Fitzgerald or Hemingway laughing loudly after an evening in one of the small pubs, winding their way merrily down the hill back to their residence. All of whom have spent time in this extraordinary place.

-What was the main reason that you decided to become a photographer?

After working behind a computer for 16 years, getting up at 3 am and watching the sunrise, while balanced on 6ft ladders, seemed like a very good way to spend time. I can honestly say now, that in fact it is the perfect way to spend time. I feel like I have finally found my way in this world, and it was up a ladder!

-Tell me about your latest shoot. What was your vision when you created it?

We have the most amazingly exciting shoots coming up and in production. One of them is a series call Sirens, which is re-imagined Neptune's wooden angels, figureheads in the front of shipwrecked ships, that have come to life and continue to stand guard over their long forgotten vessel.

A project with a mix of digital and 8x10 polaroid. A beauty shoot inspired by the original Grimms fairytales.

-To be a photographer, you had to undergo a lot of struggles. What was the most difficult obstacle for you when putting together a shoot?

The barrier to entry was getting people to work with me and to trust my vision. This was a totally different industry for me, and not one person was even remotely interested in what I had to offer. I was lucky enough to convince one stylist to work with me on a project - only under the proviso that if she hated my work, I would get another photographer to shoot it. Fortunately it went well - and then I simply went out to work with the best people I possible could. Winning them over one by one on each given shoot. In South Africa, this is a very closed industry - competition is unforgiving. You need to be on your A game all the time.

-Does your personal life ever effect how you compose your shoots or do you have a set schedule/ formula that you follow? What is it exactly?

Currently my schedule is a 7 days a week and min 12-16 hour days. There is no milk in the house, and I’m living a little too much off spoonfull's of peanut butter at midnight. I am hoping to try and find more balance this year.

Yoga is helping.

-Who excites you the most (Celebrity) & why?

Audrey Tautou and Kat Von D. Both these women are interesting in a very non traditional sense. The rolls they have chosen to play in life is so undeniably inspiring. I feel they walk the line between strength, femininity, success, humbleness and just downright take no prisoners. It’s wonderful to see women who are unapologetically non-traditional.

-If you had to pass on a suggestion for someone starting out in photography, what would you tell them?

Focus on your own work. Put your nose to the grindstone and work. Work harder, and harder and then work even harder than anyone else. Find your tribe, collaborate with like minded souls. Experiment and most importantly work on client relationships. Relationships are what build careers. Always be nice and support other photographers. There is so much work in this world. There is enough for everyone.

Always, always be kind!

-How is your style of photography different from any other photographers?

My style is ever evolving and changing. I tend to use a lot of color in my photography at the moment. But perhaps that will change with different projects. I do love colour though :)

-What are your world-dominating goal.

To continue to work in Photography, get paid for doing something I love so much, and of course travel the world and live an adventurous life - with nice, amazing clients and a creative team that is insanely cool.

What more could one ask for…. Perhaps to work in NYC or Paris would also be amazing. For a photographer hailing from Africa, working in NYC or Paris is most certainly the definition of world domination. :)

#fashion week #fashion industry #Fashion Editorial #inspiration #interviews #Designer #photographer #photography #promo magazine

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