#in that its mostly frowned upon but there are ppl that thinks it should be a common act to do to be accepted in society

[aria0fgold]

Thinking about appearance hcs for the chateau trio. Like, Josephandre is a BEAR definitely, he is a big, buff (but not the muscly buff, the beef buff, the buff that's like-- strength over appearance kind of buff, I don't know what that's called, but like-- bear), hairy guy. And I also wanna give him scars everywhere, cuz I like to think that his overall outer appearance contributed to people mistaking him for having a family history of heroes. He looks like a warrior but in all actuality, those scars are just from mundane everyday things. The scar on his arm is when he fell from a tree climbing it to get the fruit, the scar on his knee is when he fell down trying to chase a bird for fun, stuff like that.

I wanna give him scars on his face too but I'm being blocked by the fact that Josephandre was Also mistaken for a Prince. Like, royalty is all about caring for your appearance, scars on the body is easily concealed so that's fine but not so much when it's on the face but at the same time-- isat's world is built really differently so what's the general view towards royalty in its medieval times? Are royals in it particular about scars on faces too or is it okay? Could it even be seen as something "beautiful" in it too? Actually, you know what? I'm doing that. Like, what if in one of the countries Josephandre and his party visited, scars are seen as beautiful, so that's where the "Josephandre is mistaken for a prince" thing came from.

[hanasnx]

(if this makes u uncomfy in any way plz ignore)

idk if mj exists in SW ‘verse, but like—sex with ani while ur both high as kite?? BIG YES (from me at least).

esp cause!! it would probably heighten ani’s force sensitivity?? like he’s feeling high and tingling and extra touch sensitive and all of a sudden you’re touching him and he’s getting a rush of emotions, floating, hungry, hot, i love you i want you.

and you. you look like heaven, like every sin he’s ever indulged in, all flushed and glowy and smiley, touching him with a fluttery touch.

ani needs you when he’s high cause there’s something almost spiritual, almost heaven scent and hell touched, about the rush of you he gets in every way.

as a former pothead i think i've gotta set some records straight. long post about marijuana + fucking + anakin under the cut <3

warnings: marijuana, negative + positive for anakin experience with marjuana

when i was smoking enough for a circle and then playing whatever videogame was in my ps for 20 hours a day, i can say that it did nothing but make me hungry, my attention span elongated, and my anxiety non-existent. i wasn't interested in fucking, i was mostly into wasting away while naked. it didn't do much (that i can remember) for my sense of touch.

i do know that when i did fuck while high, it wasn't a remarkable experience because i don't remember any of it. nor did it make me horny or add to the sensation. those kinds of effects were from an entirely different drug that i did that i dont feel like putting the trigger warnings for so i wont talk about it

pot is definitely good for mellowing out, chilling, and fucking really casual. and i mean really casual. that's my experience with it anyway i have no idea if its diff for other ppl, im sure ppl who arent demisexual and have higher sex drives than me can say different who knows.

for anakin, i can see him smoking and fucking. definitely. in very specific circumstances. let me lay those out for you:

he smokes very occasionally for spirituality reasons. he does it respectfully, with great care. a big stickler about it. he wants to emphasize to himself it's not for recreational or social reasons. the jedi discourage drugs that cloud your judgment. marijuana is frowned upon to rely on for things like calming yourself or meditating because you should be able to do that alone. however, it's not frowned upon to partake in it every once in a while. it's all about new experiences and as long as you treat it with respect, it's alright. anakin treats it with the utmost respect.

he does not care to be under the influence of something. being high or drunk is a very rare form for him indeed. he gets very uncomfortable when on something, and especially uncomfortable being reliant on something, so when he is smoking he does it alone most of the time. he does not like being disillusioned, and he certainly does not like the idea of someone's no-nonsense idea of him being shattered.

he's led a ceremony with younger people of the order. taught them how to partake, how to roll, how to use it mindfully. and if someone is having a negative first experience, they had too much or it does not agree with them and it gets into their heads, he knows how to calm them.

when he smokes with you, it might be a rare moment of rebellion. a "i'm an adult, i can smoke a little weed." moment. and even with that notion, his darkness may catch up to him. the guilt of using it under different circumstances than usual may put him in a bad place, memories he pushes back into the reaches of his mind creep up. his past with tatooine, the tusken massacre, etc. he gets paranoid, those doubts you couldn't love a monster like him get the better of him. it gets in his way. and you're there to lead him back to the present. like op said, "you look like heaven" he'd hone in on you. tunnel vision.

anakin's way of calming himself is often self pleasure. and so since youre here, and willing and able, he might use you to guide him back to the present in a more physical way. he can't think if he's inside you, all he can do is chase his orgasm. he's tingly, he's got those nerves in the pit of his stomach, he's trying to ground himself using you and at the same time fuck you out of this world. however, with marijuana you're both slowed, and clumsy. the love-making wouldn't be coherent, or poised, but it'd be enjoyable. less concerned about what you must look like, and more cuddly. more shallow thrusts, and humping ruts, and sloppy kisses and no dialogue.

[originlist]

give me a chara from my collection of dipshits and lemme tell u three ships for em // accepting // @memorylost​ gonna do archimedes in a diff post actually but. this is long and theyre all ritsu/dudes bc im hugely gay i guess. more women need to seduce ritsu theyre a good bf ok

1) robinritsu. robinritsu is real and canon. also endgame in ritsus mainverse. with charris robin especially i guess is where these are based off of but its just so GOOD. they’re both dweebs who are really comfortable with each other and who both kinda. accept each others flaws and know how to help them grow. ritsu tends to want to hang out with the servants who have low views of humanity as a whole, because (mostly subconsciously) ritsu feels like they want to have the people fighting for humanity want to fight for it. they want their servants to have hope for the future just like they do, and feel love for something that makes them want to protect it. so for someone like robin who always feels frowned upon, impossible to be close to, not the type of person to be loved and someone who distrusts and dislikes humanity at large, ritsus just “im about to be so open hearted with this fucker that he cant help but have some of it rub off on him”. and its just. its wholesome!!!! ritsu and robin are able to play around a lot and they trust each other So Much. out of everyone in chaldea, robin is the person ritsu feels most comfortable with if they had to put their life in someone’s hands. robin’s the only person ritsu tells when they’re feeling so burnt out in the lostbelts, and ritsus the only person robin’s let himself get properly close to and [me removing my heart from my chest] HGGH

2) ritsudantes. what i said about dantes earlier still stands. also ritsu is the vessel for the best possible “someone will die” “of FUN” ship dynamics and dantes fills the first half of that trope remarkably well. i love ritsu “i will use my inherent poison resistance to hang out with a dude who always talks about how his presence itself is toxin because i think he should have friends :)” fujimaru and dantes just being like. [leans in to microphone] against my will and intentions, i have caught feelings. you can tbh blame kirby @noirenfer​ for my love for edoguda LOL but look. i just think count deserves friends. and also to be maybe teased a bit by people like ritsu who physically cannot be intimidated. plus its canon that dantes cares a bunch about ritsuka and goes extremely out of his way to protect and watch over them while still being like “[scoffs] do i LOOK like a man who cares, foolish” and i just. i love that. its extremely cute. i shovel ritsudantes into my gaping maw.

3) ritsu/kotr. just in general, barring obvious exceptions like gareth (baby) and agravaine (does not respect women and we don’t give ppl love and cherishing if they cant drink that respecting women juice). im allowed to live vicariously through my muses right? and i want to fuck the kotr. if i cannot make out with lancelot du lac myself, then it’s time for ritsu to live my dreams for me. every knight is cute every knight is good. gawain? wholesome and has strong arms to give u  hug. bedivere? the perfect boy i would do anything for him and so would ritsu. lancelot? i would singlehandedly fistfight everyone whos mean to lancelot or calls him a thot. both versions of lancelot. i want berserker to [REDACTED]. mordred? very cute and i love his punk vibes and transmasc ppl with mord’s fashion sense are so fuckin choice and money and good. tristan? well he is there also I Guess. 

[enderham]

Remember that parenting AU I talked abt a while back?

This one

Well here's the prologue

On Ao3

Or down here

~

The hospital is busy, the attack that made it that way harrowing. It's been a long time since such a large-scale attack had been launched by villains and the devastation to the city and its residents is palpable even in this hospital, relatively far from the battleground. One would think that the further hospitals would take in more lightly injured patients but in the panic of the moment, there was no time for priority victims. Everyone was shipped off the moment they were found, regardless of their state. Thus, the halls are filled with mostly lightly injured people and family members of the ones that are worse off. The rooms are reserved for the latter.

Izuku is there, for once, not on his own behalf. He had only sustained minor injuries and had been tended to at the scene. He came to pick up Shouto, who had taken a bullet to the bicep and couldn't stay for the cleanup, being carted off as soon as the fighting died down. Now that all the civilians have been taken care of and no more heroes were needed, Izuku had been shooed off as well by his superiors, and thus he finds himself here, in the crowded halls of the hospital. He keeps busy by helping the nurses move patients and talking to the children to calm them down.

He's out of things to do however and now he aimlessly roams the halls, waiting for Shouto to text him that he's done. People recognise him here and there, stop him to thank him and show their support, and he in turn thanks them for their bravery. It's a common occurrence, one that he's lived through hundreds of times but one that never gets old to him. That's exactly what he's doing, talking to a family that had been leaving and thanking them for their support, when he hears the sniffle.

Ears trained on the sound, he bids the family goodbye and a safe trip home, and tries to find it's source. Following the hiccups and sniffles, he stumbles upon a girl sitting in a chair in an empty hallway and doing her damned best not to be loud. He remembers her, he took her to the med station himself and now, meeting here in the hospital again, he can't help but approach. Crouching slowly in front of her, he lets out a low "Hey," to catch her attention.

The girl looks up with a start, big tearful eyes locking on his own and there he sees the despair that should never make its home on a child's face. "Hello," he says with a soft smile, "you're Toriga, right?" She sniffs and nods, tangled wavy hair bouncing around her face. "I remember you," Izuku continues, "you were so brave today, you really impressed me!"

Toriga wipes her nose on a battered sleeve and offers a wobbly smile. "Y-you were impressive too, Deku-san."

Izuku beams his best smile at her "Oh you really think so? I can't wait to tell Shouto!" Then he frowns a little. "He's my boyfriend, he's been hurt, you know, and I'm really worried about him. Are you worried about someone too?"

The little girl hiccups and nods, "My mom," she chokes out, "I heard the doctors saying they don't know if she's gonna wake up!" With that, she falls forward and clings to Izuku's neck, and he doesn't waste a moment before enveloping her in a tight hug.

"Oh darling," he tells her softly, "I'm sure she'll pull through. If you're that brave I can only imagine how awesome your mom is. She's gonna be alright." The girl only sobs more, Izuku knows that now that she's let go she won't stop until she's spent. He's an experienced crier himself after all.

So he picks her up completely and sits in the now vacated chair. On a thought, he unclasps his mouth guard and takes it off, letting her bury her face in his hood. He hugs her closely and lets her cry her eyes out, rocking her just a little and murmuring soft words into the empty air. He wonders why Toriga's alone here. She's too little not to seek comfort from a family member at a time like this and she hadn't mentioned a father at all, though that might not mean much. She might have run away when she overheard the doctors and gotten lost.

He's debating heading to the more populated area of the hospital with her so they're more easily found by whichever family member might be looking for her when his phone chimes. Shouto is telling him to meet him by the admittance desk. He probably knows Izuku got caught up helping around. That settles it then, he hoists the now sleeping child more safely onto his shoulder and picks up his discarded mouth guard. He awkwardly texts Shouto with the one hand that's less occupied that they can't leave yet and that he'll explain in person. Shouto's text back is characteristically flat but accepting nonetheless, and Izuku huffs a low laugh.

When Shouto spots him with a kid on his shoulder he raises an eyebrow but leans in for a kiss anyway, opting to not ask any questions and let Izuku tell him on his own.

"Hey hon," Izuku greets, "how's that arm of yours?"

Shouto looks down at the sling they gave him and shrugs his good shoulder. "I tried to tell them to save the medical quirks for the civilians but they insisted. I guess hospital staff has a good reason to want heroes back on the job as quickly as possible. They say I should be good as new in a few days."

"That's good to hear," Izuku says with a relieved sigh. Then he nods to the sleeping girl in his arms. "I found Toriga here alone in a hallway. Her mother hasn't woken up yet and she says she heard the doctors saying she might not wake up at all." After Shouto's sympathetic hum, he continues, "I was hoping to find a family member of hers but I don't know her last name so I can't really ask at the desk. It won't hurt to try though."

Shouto nods, but before they can head to the desk, a shout interrupts them.

"Toriga!"

They turn around to see a woman in her thirties jogging towards them with relief on her face. "Hello. Are you her family?" Izuku asks.

"Quirk counsellor. Kaguya Hanako, nice to meet you." She corrects, coming to a stop in front of them. "Deku and Shouto, right? I came as soon as I heard about her mother."

Izuku and Shouto share a glance. "No family?" Shouto asks cautiously. The woman shakes her head mournfully.

"Her grandparents are both in a hospice and her mother is single and has no siblings, to my knowledge at least. The father was never even mentioned so there's no way to contact him. I'm her designated social worker as I am for every child I work with."

"What… What will happen to her now?" Izuku asks carefully, rubbing one gloved hand up and down Toriga's back slowly.

Miss Kaguya sighs. "Well, I'll take her home with me tonight, but I can't neglect my work at the school for too long and I'll be legally obligated to situate her at an orphanage if a week passes. I'll most likely have to do it even sooner than that, before she comes back to school." She says sadly. "I'm not particularly happy about it, but it's currently the only way."

They all fall silent, the heroes taking the time to process the sharp turn this child's life must be taking. Shouto doesn't even have to look at Izuku to know the expression his boyfriend is sporting and what exactly comes next. He looks down at him anyway, takes in the (admittedly well hidden) trembling lip, looks him in the eye and sighs deeply. He turns to Kaguya.

"Is fostering an option?"

The woman looks between them in disbelief, but at Izuku's vigorous nod and Shouto's soft smile, she deflates. "Well, it is a better option than the orphanage. She seems to trust you." She says, nodding at Izuku, who nods back in confirmation.

"I was the one who found her during the rescue."

"But this isn't to be taken lightly. I'm well aware of both your jobs and statuses in the hero community." She warns, eyes flicking to their costumes. "You'll have to stay with her for at least a week, providing that you have good accomodations for her and there will be questionnaires and paperwork to be filled, not to mention moving at least some of her belongings to your residence."

"That won't be a problem." Shouto says, and Izuku continues for him.

"Yeah, we have a pretty big apartment with a guest bedroom. Shouto is going to have at least a few sick days after this, and if our agency doesn't grant me leave as well, then I'll take vacation days. I would even if I didn't have a lot stocked up. After that we can work our schedules around in her favor and our families will be more than happy to look after her. I know my mom will for sure." When he looks up at Shouto, the taller man nods.

"My mother and sister would be delighted as well."

Kaguya scrutinises them for a little longer, but she must like what she sees because in the end, she nods. "Well then, all that's left is to ask Toriga." She says at last.

Izuku opens his mouth to agree, but he's interrupted by a small "Yes." Coming from his shoulder.

"Toriga?" He asks, looking down at the little girl "You've been awake this whole time?"

"For a little while. Will I be staying with you, Deku-san?" She sits up in his arms and rubs one eye. He adjusts his hold on her.

"Yeah, with me and Shouto, if you want to that is."

She looks at Shouto, who gives her a small smile and a wave, than to Kaguya, then back at Izuku.

"Of course I want to!"

~

There was a moderate amount of interest in this AU and I really wanted to explore it and all its intricacies, so I'm gonna start it as a series of one-shots! It has so many branching paths and possibilities that not even I know where it'll go yet, but I do have the next few installments in idea-form. Hopefully ppl like it and I keep my motivation on a continuous enough level to work out this admittedly huge project.

Oh yeah, and my ask box is open for prompts!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".