#in the beginning I found practically all the girls annoying say for homura

[kuramirocket]

I just saw all of Puella Magi Madoka Magica for the first time (I only really knew that the white creature was evil) and HOLY SHT. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't any of THAT.

Now need to find where to watch the movies!!

Homura is my fave!! She is best girl!

[clarafell]

(ᴛʜ�� ʟɪᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴇ) "ᴍᴀᴅᴏᴋᴀ /NEVER/ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ ᴄᴀʀᴇᴅ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ, ᴜɴʟɪᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ."

Give me all those lies  :    Accepting!

↳  @delightful-envy     (Listen to this song to set the mood!)

                      “What do you mean—”

                                                   MADOKA—

                                                        NEVER

                                                              TRULY

                                                                CARED?

No, no, no! There must be a big mistake! Already, Homura struggles to breathe and her heart threatens to stop— What did Homura do to possibly be hated by Madoka? Or did Madoka not even hate her - what if she had literally no feelings towards her at all ? Did Madoka see her as just an annoying parasite that clings to her more and more, leeching off of her constantly. Was Homura really like a parasite when it came to Madoka? Was that why she never could make any friends or anything like that? What about her protest that she made with Madoka on that fateful disaster of a time? Ah, but Envy had added a little part at the end. As if to reassure her instead of letting her sink so quickly into heartache and pain. But even if Madoka never cared about her, Homura had wished to her to at least be allowed to live her life. Whether she was with Madoka or not, she would be happy as long as Madoka was allowed to live a life happily without any tragedy on he shoulders. Even if she believed that, did that mean Homura would be able to cope with being alone? Madoka had both of her parents, her real best friend, her little brother, more friends, and certainly a bright glimmering potential—

It wasn’t surprising to hear that Madoka never cared.

But it was shocking to hear it come from someone else.

Someone who wasn’t Homura herself.

Oh, how her voice shimmers in raw pain as her eyes darken in fear, unable to believe what she heard. She had hoped that he had said something else instead. “She…she…” Homura struggles to form her thoughts as she begins to hold onto her head, hands clasping at her ears as if to tune out the words. She was afraid to hear them as if he had the power to make such a remark into reality. But it made her stumble and fall back to the nearest wall for support. Her hands lower as she stares at her hands, trying to force back tears. The mere thought of Madoka never caring about her made her feel so sick that she almost felt bile in her mouth. But she also felt a pang of something else as if this had happened before. Even if Envy didn’t say it, Homura begins to recall how she had doubted about Madoka. She had so many doubts when she woke up in the hospital each and every time. The thought that Madoka never cared and that she was really just a stranger, sick and tired of Homura barging into her life. Ruining her life. Showing her that the world of puella magi were not what it was all cracked up to be. It was a cruel and hard and unforgiving life. Then Madoka would make wishes for something that would later backfire on her. Then she would fight with her (their) friends and Homura’s pleas would be left in the background, trying to warn them over and over— The day that Homura had come back to introduce herself into class was the same day that she saw Madoka’s face twisted into uneasiness and embarrassment. The cruel day that she found out that her time travel resulted in everyone forgetting about her including Madoka. Including the other puella magis too! Even Kyubey couldn’t remember her— But Homura remembers the excited hug of Madoka and how her arms wrapped around her lithe body. She remembers the bright smile and the happiness that shone in her bejeweled eyes. All of it made her feel warm and happy too and maybe even proud in herself that they (she) had won the fight. If Madoka never cared about her, what was all of that? What did Homura witness? Homura had never, ever thought of the idea that Madoka would lie to her. Homura thought Madoka was unable to lie really. Unable to do anything bad… But what if he was right about Madoka? She can feel another part of herself scream and claw at the insides of her cold body, telling herself to shut up. Belittling herself for actually considering that Madoka would be so cruel. Why was she so torn up on this? She knew she had insecure thoughts about this exact scenario and it was what also made her lock away herself in the bathroom. It was what made her stare at herself in the mirror before breaking the mirror and staring at her cracked reflection. Those confusing thoughts of what is real and what is not real made her heart get weaker. It was what made her distracted in battle and slower and more reckless. Homura was staring at the ground now, too afraid to speak. Too afraid and too confused.

“…Kaname-san d-does care… She has to care… What would I be doing h-here, Envy? I w-wouldn’t be standing here with you…” She pukes out a weak and pathetic remark as she begins to sniffle, almost on the verge of tears. If Madoka never cared, she would have never saved her. Madoka would have never, ever used that grief seed on her soul gem if she didn’t care. Madoka would have used it on her own tainted soul gem and let Homura die, right? Homura would have been long gone by now. But if she did not care for Homura, her wish would be pointless. Her magic would be pointless. Her whole existence would be pointless. Her first real friendship would be fake and pointless and just like the others. All those memories and all her efforts and all those timelines would be pointless. She wanted to turn away from Envy and bury herself into her blankets, turn off the alarm clock and forget about classes. No one would notice that she would be gone, anyway. The classmates would be quick to jump to conclusions that she left in order to go back into the hospital. She wouldn’t even get visitors. No one ever visited her in there. Homura had inhaled shakily in order to compose herself and her emotions, unable to think or concentrate properly. She felt anxious and rubbed her eyes until they were a puffy red that contrast her cold, pale skin. “Even if she didn’t care about me… You’ll s-still care, r-right? Oh, Envy, p-please don’t…please don’t g-go…” She asked quietly, desperate to hear him say yes. Wanting and desiring to hear him say confirm her sorrowful pleas. She was scared that if her relationship with Madoka was fake, it also meant that Envy’s bond was fake. If everything that she knew about Madoka was fake, Homura couldn’t tell what was truly real. Were those dress-up dolls from her childhood truly her friends too? She can practically hear their whispers and giggles and hear them mock her for not being good at anything. If she reset the timeline and decided to perish in the hospital where she rightfully belonged, no one would miss her then. The dolls would whisper in a joyful manner, pleased that she would perish and they can finally set the stage for the witch. Why, witches didn’t have to deal with all these complex relationships and none of this torment. They have their own torment, she assumes. All she would believe is that every bond formed she forms with another was fake because she screwed up. She was unlovable and she agreed with it. She wasn’t worth any love or anything. She should had died in that barrier. Or maybe she should have just taken off her shoes and leap from this cruel life if Madoka’s friendship was all staged. If the innocent Madoka truly didn’t care for her, then who was to say that Envy was also like that? Or anyone else was like that too? Homura thought she had a basic grasp on life and relationships. Better than before. When she had asked Madoka if she will cares and will stay, she got different answers on each timeline depending on how close she got to the pinkette. Slowly, ever so slowly, she inches closer to the ground and sits there. She brings her knees to her chest and hugs them as if she herself was the only person she could hug now. She felt drained and confused and already torn up again. Even if Envy never said it, she had already thought about it countless times. He only seemed to open up a wound whether by accident or not: Considering he actually believes that Madoka doesn’t care. If Madoka truly cared, why wasn’t she here with Homura when she needed her most? It made sense if he thought that way in that form of thinking— But Madoka in this particliar timeline had no idea about Homura’s turmoil and suffering. If Madoka never cared to begin with and Envy was right, Homura’s mind automatically assumed that Envy didn’t care either. After all, what if he didn’t care like Madoka too? Just how exactly can she be so sure that he cared for her this whole time? (If Envy can prove that he cared too, then can Madoka do the same down the line somehow too?) No one shouldn’t care about her anyway, though. (How can she be blind into thinking she deserved the rights of care, support, and love?) She didn’t deserve any of their care and love and support. She would be left alone in the long run, she knew it deep down. She was always left alone for one thing or another. Messy long hair hides away her face as she buries her face into covered knees, trying to muffle her gross crying. The wind on this stormy afternoon is strong, whipping around her messy hair. She was injured from the last witch hunt this morning that made her skip school. Her soul gem had already become cloudy with despair long before Envy spoke up. Fighting alone was becoming a struggle against this specific witch. Oh, how that witch was so aggressive! Her body felt sore, her heart felt heavy, and her soul in that ring on her finger felt in that murky and… She just wanted to disappear…

                                                                   Why bother?

                                                  Wait a minute—

                     Did she even collect the grief seed this morning?

                                                 Not even Envy can answer that question.

Only Homura can answer that question herself.

                                  But she wasn’t in the emotional state to really care right now.

Maybe she just didn’t even notice the early signs of a tainted soul gem yet?

                                                                  It wasn’t a huge big deal yet honestly…

But Homura was normally quite adjusted to storing her grief seeds. Unlike other magical girls, she was good at cleansing her soul gem and making sure that the despair didn’t consume her bright soul gem. Nonetheless, she was too worn out to notice or care. The confused female hides herself away from Envy and hugs herself more, trying to avoid everything. To avoid everyone. To avoid all her thoughts and her feelings and every single thing right now. She felt sick and dizzy and those disgusting tears will not stop. Oh, make it stop please! The dolls (that have not been created into living existence yet until the soul gem is completely tainted) whisper in secrecy and giggle at one another, waiting and counting down until the soul gem was tainted with so much breathtaking despair. Would it happen today or tomorrow or far in the future? All Homura wanted was this pain and this cycle to stop. She wanted to believe that Madoka cared. That Envy cared too. That things can truly get better and actually stay better. But how can she believe them if she cannot believe in herself?