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natashahudsonshares · 8 years

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PS : Forgive me for my pictures as it was taken last year and many years of not seeing my siblings. Here I share what means so much to me and what i am currently going through at this crucial moment. Do not judge but understand.

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah Hiwabarakatu,

As i write this heart races & palpitates with speed of 1000km tears of pain,sadness,overwhelming feelings of what is currently happening in my life. Things have been slow. Has it? All i know there has been a roller coaster ride of reflection,regret,pain and a little happiness shining in and out. (I wish)…a word that pops in my head,heart maybe? I wish i was closer to her,to them,to many things,people and Allah. Ya Allah nevertheless i should be thankful for all these test. I only have you Ya Rabb.

Are we grateful for the things in our life,the test,the hikmah? Masyallah tabarakallah Allah swt has tested me so much. I know as a weak human/servant i complain,we all do. Fullstop what a habit right? Cant we be more grateful. So much confusion.misconception here and there,fitnah,twisted world,dilemma all over the place for so many. But we are still lucky to have them all. Stabbing pain, a usual pain that is immuned in our system for many of us just in different levels and types. Just how do we overcome them? Before that, here goes my story.

So recently early last year about a few months ago, i was given the shock of my life. I mean its nothing new to experience but to me it is ( here we go all over again). My sister..my eldest sister…Belinda Ann Hudson which resides in Brisbane,Australia gave me news few months ago about being diagnosed with brain cancer,stage 4 and the worse type she could have. “Its treatable Tash, but not curable and its the worse of its kind!” she said. It happened too quick. One day she had a severe headache and next day over check up? Ka boom….she found out about this. Operation done and still fighting,surviving. It tore me..all of us. She is possibly the best sister anyone could ask for. Although we come from different mothers it does not make us any distant nor different but yet still known as blood siblings. She is the only one that truly understands me,and indeed she is perfect to my eyes. She is constantly steadfast in her way. So calm,bright,funny,beautiful,loving,kind,caring and the list goes on. This i found as an opportunity. What was it?

Alhamdulillah i remind myself off this test. Cry,scream,whatever but don’t wail. Its all written and how will ours be? I can’t deny i break down a lot,a kick in my butt that reality is kicking in. We will all die,we will. Time is passing by with a blink of an eye,we are ageing,our grey hairs are showing and embrace the ageing process,half of our life is over but are we ready? How will our life end & how do you want it to end? Have any of you ever thought about this?I have. Almost everyday.So I tried something unimaginable. I started giving my sister in Australia dakwah. Her faith is Catholic Christian. But to her religion probably doesn’t exist anymore and she hasn’t practice it for 2 years. I didn’t hard sell my religion but i wanted her to know what peace was, what calamity was about and how to remain calm even the storm is heading our way.She mentioned that she won’t watch any of the dakwah videos i sent her (my heart torn a little) to me which were considered light and more of motivational/therapeutic videos although it uses Islam as its base. Islam is easy and so easy to understand. It’s all about sense. Tawheed really. The oneness of god. I don’t know what i was thinking but i know that i want her to be in Jannah (heaven). I need her. I wish to gather with my family even till the end. I hold this responsibility as a muslim to bring my family back to the straight path. I want Allah swt’s rewards and Redha. She stopped practising her faith which was Christianity about 2 years now. She doesn’t believe in god anymore. She said “I feel like this because most people in the western civilisation hardly practice much of it nowadays!”

I once went to an Islamic class about siratulmustakim and the scholar then mentioned “If a disbeliever which was never a muslim says to Allah swt while being questioned just before the sirat “ Who is your god?’’ and replying “I believe that Allah swt is my god and i accept him as my creator!’’ he will cross the sirat like a speed of light and into jannah. How amazing is Allahs mercy yet we deny him. I can’t force my sister to revert, going bck to her fitrah, my intention was her to accept the decree of Allah swt n its signs. I had to respect her for whatever choices she makes but nevertheless i would never stop making doa for her till her last breath. You just never know what Allah’s plans are.

And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allaah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allaah knows all that before putting them to test)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:2-3]

In my family sickness has been rather common. 3 of my siblings are unwell. My eldest brother Richard has been living with cancer for almost 10 years now, My sister below me Tania has been living with asthma and AVM ( a very rare brain condition) . She survived, as it is i almost lost her. Usually There is not chance of survival but Allah has given her many Chances. Me and Emma Jane (the youngest) so far are alright. I mean i was diagnosed with permanent low immunity after my second baby and eye issues but so far alhamdulillah i am ok. Keeping strong. May Allah protect me. I seek in him, i ask of him. We expected Belinda to detioriate by September but so far she is still looking fine and no news of her getting worse in any sign. I hope Allah swt changes her fate in some ways. A little more time for me to spend time with her. I found out that when i was visiting her she started going on Bicarbonate Soda. Apparently good to alkalise the body and a natural form of treatment/prevention for cancer and such . I found these article below :

~natureworksbest.com/dr-tullio-simoncini-sodium-bicarbonate-cancer-treatment/ ~http://drsircus.com/medicine/sodium-bicarbonate-baking-soda/uses-in-daily-health

You know few years ago i once said to myself. I know that my heart is sold rock but one day Allah will test me, it will be big and it would be about my loved ones. One by one i see it coming. How will i be able to face all this? I was clueless then, ignorant,less knowledgable, not so much on the deen yet searching. It all makes sense now. Why Allah says “Never love anyone else or anything more than you love Allah. Others will come along when you focus on him first. We need to prioritise our Creator first ,cause in actual fact who decides? Who listens? And who changes fate /things for all of us? He does. Believe it dear ummah. Ramadhan the most magical month gives us many moments,days,a month to repent,to ask,seek and make it all change. How did i go the last time? It was tough with 3 kids and a workload of responsibilities and it was challenging but yet i miss our holy month. I hope allah gives me a chance and considered by appeals. I wish i did better but allah swt knows best and I’m sure he is the Ghaffar (forgiving).

3 days ago i received an email from my brother and numerous calls from Dad which i missed. My brother said i should quickly give my sister a call and say my last words. Keep on doing so he said, use the time left wisely. My dad mentioned how bad her situation is at this very second. No. Not now i tell myself. I broke down a few times. The last time i experience grief was when my best friend died to cancer as well. I didn’t like the memory of that. Grief is horrific. Its painful. Sorrow keeps u in a hole for agile. What do i have for her now. I can only offer my prayers. I can’t physically be there due to my weak finances. Its painful. I can only look back at the photos we took last year and cry. My last wishes? For her to utter the Shahadah. But then again who will guide her or remind her. I just wished i was by her side this very moment. Spoke to her yesterday and boy she sounded way different than norm. She slurs her words and i cant digest much of her words. My brother inlaw said she is not in any pain just tired,weak,short term memory lost and weakening. Down right low at this very moment. This worse part of her fight is here.

My sister Tania may be able to see her soon and i hope she gets the best last days with Belinda. Ya allah please may it easy on her. Give her the light down that tunnel. Please forgive her for her wrong-doing and protect her always. Allah swt has more than just names but he has the right to everything. We are not even close to it at all. All hikmah has it reason to come in an out of our lives. We are waiting for our own ticket. Our own time. Life ain’t a bed of roses and we all have our own obstacles. The rich become poor and the poor become rich. The healthy gets sick and the sick gets healthy. How are we dedicating our life for our final destination? Are we working hard for it? Does your family member have to die first in order to make you repent now? Death should be your motivation each day. You have to be willing to accept that all that you love will go including “YOU” that you love so much. We forget that we truly have an obsession for ourselves in Dunya and not what we want to make of ourselves in Akhirah. Give it up, let it go. Drop you ego. Prepare and embrace yourself. Life is not a fairy tale. Real life starts after death. May Allah grant my last wishes for my sister inshallah. I still remember clearly when me and Rich had a chat with Belinda and she broke down saying “I just want to live!” I had no words, I couldn’t reply. Me and Rich were surrounded by silence. This silence will stay in a spot in my heart forever permanently. Which truly I am not looking forward too. Again Redha isn’t the easiest of it all. This would be something new to my heart. Loosing my blood sister for the very first time. One of Allah Swt Beautiful Attribute to remind ourselves off : The All-Forgiving, The Absolver, The Veiler of Sins and Faults, The Most Protecting One

The One who accepts repentance and veils or forgives our faults and sins, time and time again. The One who sets us free from the guilt and shame of our own sins and faults, such that we may discover inner harmony and peace.

The One who protects us from the effects of our faults and sins, both in the present world and the future. The One who accepts repentance and sets aright our faults and sins.

The One who veils, forgives or transforms our faults and sins in such a manner that we may go on without guilt or shame. The One who can set aright, or transform, wrong deeds and change them into what become good deeds.

Much Love ,

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herdadwiana · 6 years

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Our Wedding;

"Herdawati, stand here. And I want you to look there."

"Herdawati."

So I'm hitched to a humble man. We've been dating and together for at least 5years. He's been making me so happy for then last 5 years, and inshallah, forever.

Our wedding planning started about a year plus prior to the wedding day. I needed things to be done progressively rather than to procrastinate.

Alhamdulliah, everything was done and ready at least 2 months till the wedding day.

We were not your average picky couple. We choose our vendors based on how nice and humble they were. We pretty much look away to those that tried to "step gerek" with us to make us fell 'comfortable'.

So for our photographer, we signed on with Denyar. To be specific, we signed on because of how humble and patient Shafiq Sallehan was with us.

Shafiq brought along his team, Quddus and Khalid. Their names were really easy to remember. Plus we had to converse with them quite frequently throughout the day.

My morning was filled with "Herdawati" which gotten alittle annoying after the 8th "Herdawati". Quddus was Herdawati-ing while the Shafiq and Khalid called me Herda.

All of a sudden Quddus called me "Herdy" in the afternoon. Dude was catching on quick. Figured he's probably tired of saying Herdawati too. Hahaha!!

Also, Zann sang at our wedding. I was a cry baby. It was an emotional moment for me, knowing that she'll be migrating really soon. We've known each other since we were 17 years old. Time flies and I still see her as 18 years old Zann. I really don't know what it'll be like once she has migrated for good. I pray that we will be as close as ever too. I'll try to make the time to fly over.

Also-Also, Faiz Dawg silat at our wedding and my heart is just so full. In fact, that was the only part Faiz was looking forward to. "Kel! Bila kau sanding, aku nak silat!" He said it like he truly meant it. Even during the meet up prior to the wedding, he kept reminding us he wants to silat. And o have to say, I honestly loved his silat. I thought he executed it very very well. I'd willing watch him do it again any day.

Also-also-also, I made Musfitri in-charge of the Visual Audio. I'll have to say, no one else could have done any better than him. As easy as the task may sound, trust me, my visual was very tricky, and he excelled well for a non-techy person.

Also-also-also-also, Deniza was my emcee. For someone who has no experience, she did really well. I love it! It was perfect!

Also-also-also-also-also, I made Roseria the most busy person around. Three weeks before our wedding, Rose said to me "Herdy, I feel like I can do more than be the photo coordinator". As days drew closer, I felt a pound on my chest and I was actually stressing and breaking down. I realised that as much as I have give each of them the roles/tasks, I won't be able to ensure that do it well. So 3 to 4 days before our wedding, I texted Rose and seek for her permission to make her the Overall Coordinator aka The Boss. I told her my expectations, handed everything over to her and I could feel and breath again.

I can never thank everyone who chipped in, ran around and tried to make everything else wonderful.

Till then, I am gratful for the groomsmen and bridesmaid. Insyallah, I really want to bring everyone out as a token of appreciation.

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