#instead of ever indulging myself with things that i wanted aside from like sweet snacks

[kindahoping4forever]

My Drug Is My Baby // Ashton Irwin

Thank you to everyone for your patience - I wrote and teased this story quite a while ago but I’ve unfortunately had some real life matters keeping me away from Tumblr. So it fits that I’m back with somewhat of a comfort fic (with a dirty edge because obviously) 😌. No big backstory, I was in a shitty mood, decided a horny smoke sesh in Ash’s backyard was the only cure and I wrote this surprisingly easily (for me). Thanks to @cal-puddies​​​​ for assuring me that this wasn’t just a “me” fantasy (lol) and for cheering me on in the form of copious clown emojis in the comments section of Google Docs.🤡🤡🤡🤡

Warnings: A boyfriend!Ash fic featuring weed smoking, mention of masturbation and sex toys, dirty talk, brief manual and oral stimulation of a female, dry humping, cum play

Word count: 3300

Masterlist // Ko-Fi and New 2021 Taglist linked above

Let  me  know  what  you  think!

You close your eyes, stretching out on the patio lounger and losing yourself in the music pouring from the bluetooth speaker on the table next to you. The cool night air blows across you and you surprise yourself with the volume of the pleased sigh you let out; it could just be the state you’re in but you swear it’s the best thing you’ve ever felt.

It’s only Tuesday but you’ve already absolutely had it with this week and all day the only thing you could think about was getting home, getting off and getting high. You’d hoped to tackle those last two items on your checklist with your boyfriend but just as you were pulling into the driveway, he texted saying he'd be home late.

You felt disappointed but adaptable and made a nice little evening for yourself: you ordered dinner from that Italian place only you like, indulged in a hot shower that went on for far too long and spent some quality time with your favorite vibrator. To close out your evening, you threw on your panties and one of Ashton's hoodies and headed out back to have a smoke in his “garden.” 

It’s not much, just a few pots with flowers and vegetables, but he’s so fucking proud of it, especially since you’ve helped him spruce it up with string lights and furniture, you’ve come to love it as much as he does.

You sigh again as the breeze continues to tickle your skin and you wiggle your toes, trying to decide if your bare legs are actually chilly or if you're just sensitive from your high. You're pretty sure you saw a blanket by the door but that seems super far away right now so instead you just hug your knees to your chest and try to fit them inside your oversized sweatshirt.

"Thought I heard a party back here," a voice teases from across the yard. 

You turn to look behind you, delight decorating your face. "I didn't hear the car pull up!" You consider running over to him and leaping into his arms but again, that seems like a lot of work so instead you just sit up on your knees, pucker your lips and wait.

Ashton chuckles, bounding over to plant a soft kiss to your impatient mouth. "Mmm, you taste sweet," he comments.

"Oh! I saved some for you," you exclaim, offering him the three-quarters eaten bag of kettle corn you've been snacking on.

He snorts and shakes his head but still dips inside for a handful. "Midnight snack in the garden and about 20 minutes ago I got five different messages that had no words but roughly three dozen kiss emojis… my love, are you high?" He spots your pipe on the table and turns it over in his hands, exaggeratedly inspecting. 

"Why, you jealous?" You giggle as you swipe it back from him.

"A little," he laughs, running a hand over your face and grinning as you melt into his touch. "Had a bit of a day myself."

You pout at his statement, yanking him down into another kiss, mewling as his beard scratches your face. "I was thinkin’ about packing another bowl, come smoke with me, tell me about it,'' you insist.

“Planned on it when I heard you back here,” he smiles. “Might need to go in and grab us another snack though, evidently.”

You stick your tongue out at him. "Oh wow, you're right, I am super sweet," you observe distractedly, now happily licking your own lips. 

Ash laughs joyfully, settling into the chaise opposite yours. You start off asking softball questions about each other’s day, wanting to save the bigger complaints for later, when the high can take the edge off. In between anecdotes, there’s that comfortable silence you always love falling into with him. The two of you are thinkers as well as talkers and sometimes you need to collect your thoughts before you launch into the next topic; you love that you both recognize and appreciate that need. You also love the chance to just observe your man, love watching his wheels turn as his mind works, love taking him in, marveling that he exists in your world.

Tonight you find yourself fascinated as he takes the supplies off the table and gets to work, fingers reaching into the stash jar to break off pieces of the bud, long hair falling in his face as he methodically loads them into the grinder. You can’t take your eyes off him, the metallic cylinder seeming to disappear in his large hands, veins becoming visible as he grips it, arms tensing and tattoos flexing as he twists, offering you a soft smile when he notices your gaze.

He stretches in his chair, trying to reach the pipe near you. It takes a minute to register that you should hand it to him, you’re caught up thinking about how big he looks leaning across the table, how his t-shirt pulling across his chest like that makes you want to bury your face in it, how warm it’d be, how safe and content you would feel.

Ashton gently says your name, breaking you from your reverie and gesturing towards the pipe.

You grab the glass piece and happily plop onto his chair to hand it to him, pecking him on the cheek for good measure. He chuckles at your eagerness, shifting to make room for you; he watches amusedly as you attempt to find a sitting position opposite him that is both comfortable and allows you to cover yourself with your hoodie.

“You know you’d probably be warmer if you didn’t come out here pantsless, baby.”

“You know I don’t believe in pants after 11pm, I can’t believe you’d suggest such a thing,” you reply with playful indignance, looking up at him triumphantly as you successfully bring the sweatshirt down over your crossed legs.

He cackles as he packs the ground weed into the bowl; he nudges your knee, which you correctly assume is his way of asking for the lighter he knows is in your hoodie pocket. You hand it to him and watch as he lights up and starts to take his first couple hits. 

You intended to pay more attention - admire his lips wrapping around the mouthpiece, his fingers flicking the lighter, let yourself be awed at how small your pipe looks in his hand - but you got distracted at the sight of his thick thighs as he sits cross-legged in his favorite basketball shorts. You think to yourself you don’t appreciate Ashton’s legs enough and reach out to tenderly rub your palms over them, humming contentedly when you find his skin as warm and comforting as you imagined.

“Baby...” He squeezes your hand on his thigh, refocusing your attention as smoke pours from his mouth. “You’re in a mood tonight, aren’t ya?” You can tell by his sing-songy tone and goofy smile he’s already starting to relax.

“Been thinkin’ bout relaxing with you like this all day,” you say dreamily. He offers you the pipe and you take it, practically purring when he sneaks his hands inside your sweatshirt and strokes over your legs while you smoke like you did with him. “Just happy you’re home and here with me.”

Ash pulls you into a slow kiss, tongue moving in the same delicate pattern his fingers are tracing on your thighs. “I missed you too, baby,” he admits as he pulls away. “You know I try not to be a downer but it was one of those days where I couldn’t help thinking it would’ve been better if we’d just shut off our alarms and stayed in bed together.”

“God, fucking same,” you commiserate, taking one more puff before passing the pipe back to him. “Tell me what happened.”

The two of you go back and forth trading stories, the pipe and every so often, a kiss. After a while, he decides to pack one more bowl and you lean back opposite him on the chair as he sets up again. You look at the stars, smiling to yourself as the combination of your high, the breeze and the sound of Ash quietly singing along to your playlist makes you shiver. Today was hard but if it’s what you had to go through to end up here in this moment? It was worth it.

You sit up on your elbows when you hear the spark of the lighter. You watch him take a long drag from the pipe and you’re not sure what it is but he just looks so goddamn beautiful, you find yourself overcome. Before you even realize what you’re doing, you crawl over to him and bury your face in the crook of his neck.

He giggles softly, sitting the pipe aside as you attach your mouth to his neck, giving him what could either be three hundred quick kisses or just three long ones, you’re not sure, your lips seem to be moving of their own accord and really all you’re thinking about in this moment is how much you wish the beard burn you’re feeling on your face was between your thighs.

“You good, baby?” He asks with a slight rasp in his voice, which you suspect is partly from his long day but also perhaps an indication he’s beginning to feel needy for you too. You take a detour to nip at his ear for a second before you kiss your way down his neck again; you work your mouth over the front and you moan when your tongue feels the vibrations of the soft moan he lets out.

You climb into his lap, straddling him and he stretches out his legs to accommodate you. You wrap yourself around him, in a kind of koala hug for a beat or two before quietly murmuring, “Been thinkin’ bout this all day too.” You offer him a deep, passionate kiss that tells him how much you need him, today, everyday and right now this fucking minute.

Ash waits for your lips to slow and then he pulls away, cradling your face, looking into your eyes, searching. His hazel eyes are gorgeous as always but blown wide from smoking; you know yours must look similar but you can tell he sees the love in them, can sense your hunger. He makes out with you for a few minutes, following your lead, waiting to see how far you want to take this.

Your kisses are becoming increasingly heated, increasingly filled with need and he decides to have a little fun with you. His hands run down your back and land on your ass, affectionately rubbing over your hoodie covered backside as he cheekily replies, “Thinking about me all day, huh? What exactly you been thinkin’ about all day?”

A naughty grin spreads across your face. You love playing this game with him. “Started this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed even though I had you naked next to me,” you start, leaning into another slow kiss before you pull back just slightly, staying close enough that your lips brush against his while you speak. “You looked so good when you told me goodbye, laying there half-asleep, cock more awake than you were. Wished I’d taken the time to slip you inside me, started off my day by feeling you get hard for me.” You begin grinding into his lap to emphasize your point.

Ashton licks over your lips, squeezing your ass approvingly as you move over him. “If you’d have done that, I guarantee neither of us would’ve left the house today,” he laughs sinfully. “What else, baby?”

Your hands brush over his bearded cheeks. “Every time I saw my reflection today I expected to see the marks your beard leaves - every weekend I just get so used to seeing my neck and chest so red… I miss it when we have to go back to reality,” you sigh, leaning back on your hands as you grind, exposing your neck, whining a little as he takes the bait and sucks a few spots on your skin, purposefully dragging his beard on you.

“Like that, baby?” He eggs you on, helping you ride him over his shorts, hands now roaming your ass over your panties, your hoodie having ridden up from your movements. “You want to know something I thought about today?” Suddenly his fingers are firmly gripping you and he gently lifts his hips up against your center, meeting your hips a few times to show you how hard you’ve made him.

You nod, gasping as you feel the swollen head of his cock rub directly over your clit, just two thin pieces of fabric separating you. Weed always makes you sensitive but you can’t believe how you can feel yourself already soaking through your underwear, making them feel even thinner than they already are.

You can tell Ash notices it too, his fingers moving down your ass, inching closer to your pussy, clearly having felt the wet spot you’re spreading on his shorts and wanting to feel it for himself. “Mind was wandering while I sat in traffic… thought about that time we got caught in that big jam driving home from the airport? Been so long since I’d seen you… you didn’t want to delay our reunion any longer so you started jerking me off right there,” he remembers, breath heavy. 

For a brief second you think he might pick you up and take you inside, fuck you against the glass door or maybe on the table in the entryway. But instead he keeps moving his hips with yours, biting his lip as the friction builds. "Got so hard remembering your lips wrapping around my cock just as I started to cum… I was so sure someone was going to see us but you couldn't give less of a fuck… Jesus, baby, you're dripping." His fingers dance over the wetness that’s spread down to your thighs and you breathe his name as he stills and pulls your panties to the side, sliding his fingers through your folds.

You brace yourself on his shoulders as he teases your clit. “Thought about you all day, Ash... was so ready to let you have me however you wanted as soon as I got home… but then you weren’t here… had to do it myself, think about you some more.” You’re not sure if you’re making sense but you’re so far gone you don’t really care and judging by the look on his face as he watches you grind into his hand, he doesn’t either.

“Saw your vibe on the nightstand, wondered what I’d missed out on,” he laughs, pressing your clit a few more times before bringing his fingers to his mouth and licking them clean. “Might have to ask for an encore performance, you know I love watchin’ you, baby.”

You feel his cock throb beneath you, as if to back up his claim. You groan and grip the tent in his shorts, pulling the material slack against him and squeezing, watching in awe as precum seeps through the fabric, leaving his bottoms almost as wet as yours. You can’t stop picturing how angry and red his cock must be from leaking like this; you decide you need to see it and pull him out of his shorts, whining when you see how shiny and wet he is for you.

You tap his cock on your clothed clit, rolling your hips over him, the both of you moaning at the motion. As good as it feels, it’s not enough and you push your panties to the side again and rub his tip directly against you, whimpering as he growls your name, his hands flying to your hips to keep you moving. 

Ashton’s fingers dig into your skin as he holds you against him, thrusting steadily through your wet folds. In your hazy state, you have the briefest thought of slipping him inside you but you’re already sure you could cum from this and it’s just feeling so good… has anything ever felt this good? You don’t want to stop. As you slide your pussy over his length, you can feel every ridge, every vein, you swear you can even feel his pulse as you move against his cock. You can’t stop.

“So fucking wet, baby,” he pants, hips moving wildly now. He slaps your ass a couple times, partly hoping it’ll get you moving faster and partly hoping it’ll get you to cum sooner because he’s not sure how much longer he can hold out. “Were you this soaked when you played with yourself earlier?”

You moan when you feel the sting of his palm. “Of course not,” you huff, nearing your end. “Nothing’s ever as good as when I’m with you… fuck Ash… love your cock so much, don’t even need it inside me to get off,” you ramble as you move eagerly on him. A few breathless whimpers later, you’re grabbing onto his shoulders as you cum and shake against him.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck,” he groans, pushing through your wetness once more just as it gets to be too much. You feel his cock jump and then he’s shooting cum all across your pussy; you gasp when you feel the warmth of his release on your thighs, a stark contrast to your cool, exposed skin.

Ashton tries to keep his eyes open so he can watch himself cover you in rope after rope but between the noises you’re making and the relief of finishing, he has to let his head fall back in bliss. You lean over him, softly nibbling at his lips as he comes down. 

“Hi,” you coo as his eyes flutter open.

“Hey,” he sighs, dazed.

“Think you ruined my panties,” you smirk.

Ash grins devilishly. “Is that a complaint?”

You coyly shrug and squeal as he suddenly presses the latch on the armrest, laying the chair flat, settling back to easily hoist you up over his face. You let out a desperate “Oh! Ash!” as his tongue licks you clean, eagerly moving across your folds and your thighs, mixing his cum with yours and swallowing it all down.

As he pulls away, he flicks over your clit a couple times, laughing warmly as you nearly jump out of his hold. “Relax, baby, I’m just playin’,” he soothes, pressing a soft peck to your pussy and each of your legs before moving you off of him.

Neither of you can seem to hold back the satisfied smiles painting your faces as you resituate yourselves: him putting his cock away and readjusting his chair, you peeling off your underwear and pulling your hoodie back down before crawling back into his arms.

You lay against his chest and the two of you bask in euphoric silence for a few minutes, curling into each other as the late night breeze picks up. You start to wonder what he’ll do if you fall asleep out here, when he reaches for the long-forgotten pipe, sparking the lighter to finish the bowl he started before you got frisky.

Your eyes meet as he pulls his hit and when he’s done, you press your lips to his, inviting him to pass the smoke from his mouth to yours. You easily finish off the bowl together like that and then you’re back on his chest again, sated and stoned.

“Sorry you had a shit day, love,” Ashton murmurs, pecking your forehead.

“Same… but it’s kinda funny to think that the shittiest days always seem to lead to some of my favorite nights with you,” you muse, softly sighing as he wraps his arms around you and squeezes you tight.

————-

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[andersunmenschlich]

Episode 15: Lost John’s Cave

Right. So here I have the statement of a Laura Popham, apparently regarding a series of caves she and her (now deceased) sister were exploring in 2014.

Having grown up in the mountains, I’ve been in a few caves.

It’s funny, really—thinking about it purely objectively, I’d expect it to bother me. All that stone and earth above and around you, and you in this tiny hollow beneath, surrounded by all the weight of it... shouldn’t you be worried about structural integrity? Yet I never have been.

Deep underground, lying curled up in little rooms too small to allow standing, surrounded by absolute darkness without a single spark of light, I’ve always felt... safe. At home, almost.

I am guessing, however, that this cave is not safe.

Laura Popham, unlike me, does proper caving. She uses expensive equipment and explores places underground you need equipment to get to.

Her sister, Elena Sanderson (no relation to Brandon, I’m sure), likes the rock climbing aspect of caving more than the going deep underground bit. Laura’s tastes would seem to be the reverse of Elena’s. Laura likes going deep underground—deeper than her sister is entirely comfortable with—and she doesn’t mind the scratches, scrapes, and bruises you get working your way through tight places under the earth.

Elena, Laura says, would probably have preferred cliffs to caves.

Why Elena didn’t insist on doing what she knew she’d like better, I don’t know. It’s one thing to go along when you have no preferences of your own. I do this often, because I have very few preferences. But if you care about yourself at all, shouldn’t you go with your own preferences when you have them?

Perhaps I only think this way because I have preferences of my own so rarely; I can afford to indulge them. In any case, Laura and Elena averaged a cave a year, and never signed up for a gym or some such thing instead.

On their final caving expedition, they were taking a route through the Three Counties system that required diving.

Elena, in precise opposition to my own feelings on the matter, told her sister that “the prospect spooked her less than some of the squeezes we’d had to do to get there.”

I don’t much care for the water.

This may seem strange, since I’m a decent swimmer—have been for as long as I can remember—and spent a fair amount of my childhood in lakes and pools. I have no truly traumatic memories of the water, and in fact preferred to spend most of my time swimming below the water, only coming up when it was absolutely necessary. I’ve been known to eat things underwater in preference to snacking at the poolside with everyone else.

Understand me: it’s a discomfort, not a fear. I just don’t like water very much unless it’s purified, cold, and I’m drinking it.

I sense your confusion. “But, Anders,” you want to ask, “how could you prefer being underwater to being above it if you don’t like the water?” And the answer is simple:

Being underwater muffles sound. All the noise of the people who dragged me to this piece of swimming fun is softened. Being underwater also seems to tone down the sunlight a little. My sensitivity to light has grown with each exposure—it wasn’t as bad as it is now when I was a child, but it was still bad enough to drive me as deep under the water as I could go. If I had to be at the lake with my family, or at the pool with their friends, out of doors during the day and surrounded by sound, at least I could dive deep and escape.

It wasn’t that I liked the water. It was that I preferred it to people, to sunlight and socialization.

Being underwater feels dangerous.

Being underwater underground feels doubly dangerous. Out of doors, perhaps you won’t make it to the surface in time—underground, perhaps there won’t be a surface. No, I would much prefer a tight squeeze to a cave dive, and so I don’t understand Elena’s feelings at all.

Laura and Elena took the standard caving precautions, getting a permit from the Council of Northern Caving Clubs and making sure someone (Laura’s husband Alistair, in this case) knew exactly where they were headed and when.

They were taking a previously explored route, and Laura studied the maps thoroughly.

“...what I used to love about caving was the feeling of being deep inside the earth: the cold, solid walls folding in around me. It always used to feel like they were keeping me safe,” Laura says, and this feeling I understand entirely, though I remember all the caves I ever explored being warm... possibly because everything is hot when you live in a desert in the mountains, and so even the tunnels below the earth feel warm, at least for the first mile or so.

Laura Popham and her sister arrive at their chosen cave on a Saturday made perfect, in my estimation, not merely by the lack of dangerous rainfall, but also by the lack of other cavers. 

The entrance to the cave is called Death’s Head Hole, because of course it is.

Death’s Head Hole, as Laura Popham describes it, is a hole barely larger than a person, almost covered in wild plants and bracken, with resin anchors at its mouth. She and her sister hook their ropes to the anchors and descend “without incident, despite a few unexpected twists in the pothole”—and I find myself wondering whether they’ve really entered the hole they think they have.

It’s almost noon when they go down, and the brightness of the light and its position overhead means they don’t turn on their headlamps for some time. Eventually they reach the bottom of the hole, where there’s a gentle underground stream and no daylight at all.

They follow the stream, and Laura notes that the waterproof case she bought makes the map a bit more difficult to read sometimes, which I suspect is an important note.

Then she takes a moment for a little ritual.

“There was something I always did when I first entered a cave, and that was to take a moment to turn off all the lights, and place both my hands upon the cold, earthen walls. I remember once, when I was a child, we went on a school trip to White Scar Cave up in Yorkshire. It was a lovely, safe, accessible cave and was absolutely beautiful, which I suppose is why it was popular for such trips.

“After we’d been down there for a few minutes, the guide led us much deeper, and told us to stand very quietly. She turned off the lights, to show us children what true darkness is like. I’d never seen anything like it. It was such a pure black, so encompassing, and in the warmth of the underground I found myself full of a joy I’ve never forgotten. Even among a class of thirty schoolchildren, I felt like the only presence that mattered was the cave. Ever since then, I would always take a moment on any potholing trip to do the same, and feel again that utter darkness, with no sound but the gently flowing river and my own breathing.”

This is another thing I understand almost entirely.

The bit I don’t understand is the idea of presence. There is not, in my experience, any presence to a cave. It’s a cave. It’s present, yes, but only as objects are present. I don’t object to objects. Wordplay aside, i only get a feeling of presence, as such, from living things: humans, dogs, cats, spiders, fish, other animals like that.

Laura doesn’t think her sister gets anything out of the practice, though. I find that interesting. You’d think there would be something!

Laura Popham is having trouble following her map.

“I’m quite experienced in these things, but even I find it hard sometimes to match the irregular lines and angles of the underground passages to the often abstract shapes written into the map,” she says.

“There were several junctions that were significantly smaller than the map would seem to show, and the point of entry into Lost John’s Cave was what we would call a squeeze. It wasn’t on the map, but it seemed to be the only way through,” she says. Yes... I do believe she isn’t in the cave she thinks she’s in, and now I wonder about that pre-descent isolation. I know how unlikely it is to go to a good place for an activity on a good day for that activity during a time when most humans aren’t asleep, and somehow still find yourself alone!

The squeeze is a very tight one.

Hmm. I’ve never been in a squeeze that makes it difficult for me to breathe. Mind you, ever since I was whisked off to have my lungs pumped at birth, I’ve been a sickly, scrawny, skinny soul, eternally undersized; it would be difficult to find a squeeze in any commonly frequented cave that would compress me that tightly. If I found myself in a passage that small, I’d know immediately that I was in the wrong cave.

Laura and Elena don’t have my advantages, it would seem. It doesn’t occur to them that the squeeze is too tight to be part of a well-explored, thoroughly-charted route.

They’re probably aided in this continued lack of realization by the fact that whatever this cave is that they’re in, it seems to be mostly mimicking the cave they expect. Hm. Perhaps it is the cave they expect... but that presence mentioned earlier is a real thing. A living cave, I think, would move.

Laura and her sister take a bit of a break.

Elena, it turns out, spent her time researching the history of the cave (while Laura was looking at maps).

Despite the positioning of the apostrophe on the actual title of the episode, Elena Sanderson says it’s supposed to be Lost Johns’ Cave—plural—not Lost John’s Cave, singular. Two men named John, it seems, were lost in the cave together. The first to explore this particular cave, they never came back out. Elena considers this story “quite sweet, in a strange sort of way,” and jokes that if she ever got lost underground she’d want it to be with her sister.

I’m not at all sure why that would make it better.

Laura Popham is apparently equally unsure, though for somewhat different reasons to mine: “to be lost beneath the earth is such an intensely private thing.” Uh... is it really? Why that specifically?

I admit that I have a very poor grasp on what is and isn’t generally considered private.

This isn’t just because for as long as I can remember I’ve had people corner me in public places and tell me about their fights with their parents, or what they claim are their deepest fears and desires (though that certainly can’t help). No, I’m assisted in this confusion by the very nature of the first language I ever learned to speak, in which “privates” are things no one must see but everyone must know about... and by the nature of an upbringing in which it’s simply taken for granted that everything is seen and known by a Power that never stops watching, never looks away, never fails to observe even the tiniest detail.

If every hair on your head is numbered and known, what’s privacy? If everyone you meet, even total strangers, address you by a term tied to the shape of your genitals, what could possibly be private? What information, what experience can ever be yours and yours alone in a world where God watches ceaselessly and sees everything?

“Private.”

It’s a concept that I don’t really understand, at least so far as information’s concerned. There are some things no one but you should ever see? Why, if they don’t, won’t, or can’t use the information to harm you?

Baffling.

Laura Popham wouldn’t want her sister with her if she were lost underground because she considers an experience like that an intensely private one. I wouldn’t want anyone with me if I were lost underground because I never want anyone with me. I’ve been raised to feel watched enough, and while I don’t object to simple observation, I don’t want to have to interact.

...Which, I suppose, would make me a decent stripper if it weren’t for all the noise....

In any case, Laura and Elena carry on with the descent, moving so easily through a part of the cave experienced cavers told Laura was the most difficult that she actually felt as though they were being swallowed. My living cave hypothesis is looking more likely all the time.

Now they’ve made it to the cave dive.

Elena goes first, “saying something or other about conquering fears.” I understand this. It’s the reason for the poorly-done tattoo on my left hand; I refuse to be afraid of needles.

Elena dives, and as Laura stands waiting for her sister to clear the passage for the next dive, she begins to feel uneasy.

“It was as silent as it had ever been,” she says, “but there was something else there, beneath the silence... almost like a whisper.” Well, this I can’t say I’m unfamiliar with. In total silence and darkness I think the mind plays tricks. I’ve heard whispers in the dark ever since I was a child—yes, and felt those soft, silken touches and seen the movement of apparently living shadow, too.

There is very little more soothing than sitting in the back of a closet at night and letting the shadows coil around you, stroking your skin and hair while soft murmurs seem to tease the very edge of hearing.

Sure, you’re being watched (you’re always being watched), but here it feels as though you’re being watched by something that’s a part of yourself, something you could flow into and become because, in some way, it’s what you already are. It’s always a sorrow when the sun rises and its light slips under the door to steal the darkness from you.

In this case, though, I suspect the almost-whispers aren’t our statement-giver’s imagination.

Laura Popham follows her sister into the water. And yes... as expected, she can’t surface. She swims and swims and swims, and there’s never anything above her but water and stone. She swims farther and farther, and there’s never an up to make it to.

...Until, at last, there is, and we see that Elena’s been holding a rock over her sister’s head, blocking her whenever she tries to surface.

Ha. Seems like the sort of thing I would do.

Exhausted by the release of adrenaline and fear, the two sit in silence for a while, recovering. It’s taken them longer than they expected to get this far, and Laura thinks it might take less time to go back than to go on. They would have to dive again to go on, anyway, and the second dive would be much longer than the first. Laura suggests going back, and Elena agrees. Laura turns away, and unless I’m much mistaken, the cave speaks!

“...asked me how lost I was in a low, grating voice.”

Well, well, well.

Laura Popham, despite the strangeness of the voice, doesn’t even consider the possibility that anyone besides the other human in the cave could have produced it. She snaps at her sister that they’re not lost. Elena is confused. Yes, it was definitely the cave speaking; and it doesn’t seem Elena heard it!

Laura goes first on the way back. “I was eager to get back and be aboveground in a way that I had never been before.”

This time it’s not her sister putting rock above her head.

She can’t surface. She swims on and on, becoming increasingly panicked, and nearly screams with relief when, finally, she reaches air. But it’s the wrong place. This isn’t where they started from. It isn’t even a cave—just a tunnel, smaller than the water-filled one it touches below. Laura climbs into it, freeing the space behind her for Elena to come up, and waits. She wants to conference with her sister, for the two of them to put their heads together and figure out what went wrong, or at least where to go from there.

The tunnel’s too tight to allow her to turn, so she listens for the sound of her sister surfacing... and doesn’t hear it. She waits and waits, unable even to check the time, and her sister doesn’t come up.

Laura Popham moves forward.

“I must have taken a wrong turn, except that didn’t make sense. I hadn’t turned at all, and more than that, there weren’t any turns or junctions in this part of the cave. I had checked all the maps of this area over and over, and they all put it as a straight line. ... I decided to go on, press forward until I at least found somewhere wide enough that I could turn.”

The tunnel is very narrow. Jagged rocks tear her clothes and scrape at her skin. She forces her way on and on, and the tunnel becomes narrower and narrower. Finally she can’t move ahead anymore. The passage is too small. But when she tries to move backwards....

“I started to shuffle backwards, and my feet touched against solid rock. The tunnel was gone. It was then that I screamed. And my light went out.”

Mmm. I think that... is... mm. It’s beautiful. It’s simply too beautiful for words.

“I said earlier that I enjoyed the pure dark of the cave. I was wrong. I had never truly known a darkness like this. Unable to move, barely with breathing space enough to cry for help. Even as I lay there it felt as though the walls pressed me further, and I knew that the stone I had always believed to be my friend and protector was going to entomb me here.”

Well, there’s your mistake. ‘Friend’? ‘Protector’? These things aren’t as solid as they sound, you know. There’s no one who’s always your friend, nothing that will always protect you, at all times, under all circumstances.

“Изменяется даже бог; мир исполнен сплошных измен.”

Laura Popham sees a light, like a candle flame. It comes closer slowly, and she’s afraid of it. She says she knows somehow that it’s “of this place;” that it means her harm. As it approaches, she sees a pale hand holding it, and hears her sister calling out for her—calling out for help, far off and faint.

That’s fascinating. I’m reminded of the Johns, who apparently explored this cave so long ago they used candles rather than flashlights.

Our statement-giver closes her eyes against the candlelight and tries desperately to “will it all away.” Oh, yes: pretend it isn’t happening and then, surely, it won’t be! I didn’t expect this to work at all, yet apparently it did. Baffling. When Laura Popham opens her eyes, she sees the light is no longer a candle. It’s daylight, and it seems as though she’s been climbing all this time. She keeps climbing, clothes ragged and torn, skin scraped and bloody, and after maybe an hour she finally reaches the surface “through a small opening not on any of the maps.”

And she uses her first free breath to scream. Of course she does.

She screams long and loud, until her husband and the cave rescue team he called out find her. She and Elena had been underground almost a full day. Elena, of course, never comes out... and Laura swears she’s never going back underground again.

Oh, isn’t this interesting! Our head archivist says, “I have rarely come across a statement written with such conviction, yet where so many of the details are provably false.”

Laura and Elena didn’t have a permit for Death’s Head Hole that day.

A lot of other people did, though.

If they went into Death’s Head Hole—if they were ever anywhere near Lost John’s Cave—the caves themselves would’ve had to change to match Laura Popham’s account. And Laura Popham... Laura Popham wasn’t found aboveground. No. She was a few yards from the bottom of Death’s Head Hole, kneeling next to a pile of burned out candles (which her husband certainly didn’t see her packing), and she didn’t respond to anyone or anything until they got her into the open air.

And she had a camera. Didn’t mention that at all, did she? Mr. Sims plays us a bit of the tape (which Incredibly Competent Research Assistant Tim managed to get a copy of somehow), and it certainly sounds worrying.

Apparently there’s nothing but audio in this particular recording, which begins at just past 2 am the day after they started, and carries on for nearly three hours.

It just says “Take her, not me” over and over again, in a kind of weepy half-whisper—and there are sort of rocky sounds in the background, like someone moving around a stone tunnel, plus the trickle of running water. So that’s, what, twenty-one hours of normal cave climbing, then three of... this whatever-it-is?

Interesting.

As a side note, assistant Martin “declined to help with this investigation, as he’s a bit claustrophobic.” Strange that Mr. Sims seems to accept this.

I mean, it’s not as though asking people about a disappearance in a cave means you have to go into the cave, is it? And Jonathan Sims has, up to this point, always seemed to seize on the tiniest little thing—anything that gave him an excuse to disparage Martin (who really does not seem less competent than any other research assistant so far as I can tell). Yet he seems to consider “I’m a bit claustrophobic” a valid reason to avoid researching a disappearance in a cave.

Peculiar.

Well, whatever the case, Mr. Sims says it’s been two years since Elena Sanderson vanished, which I suppose puts us in June 2016. That would mean rather a lot of time had passed since episode 13, though....

Something I’m more interested in knowing at the moment, however, is why Mr. Sims decided not to ask Laura Popham about the recording. It seems like they ought to be able to get an interesting reaction, at the very least! Why would he not want more information? Why not confront her with the recording and see what memories it does or doesn’t trigger?

Jonathan Sims, I don’t understand you at all.

[mas-ai]

UTAPRI DISNEYLAND HEADCANONS!

Pardon me while I indulge myself, unload my mind and project.

Warnings ahead: Extremely long post, OOC, self-indulgence, shipping mentions, rare pairs (all characters aged up but nothing nsfw is here), Disneyland ‘spoilers’ , mentions of mental illness/causes of mention illness (Reiji, Ichinose, Aine, etc), not a dark post though, fluff, 

Ai:

 Mom mode activated

 Everyone has specific, custom glowsticks so you can find everyone at night no problem

 Also everyone has to wear GPS bracelets that allow Ai to track them in case anyone gets lost

 He downloaded a mental map of the parks 

 Literally never lost, knows where everything is and the fastest way to get there

 Faster than the Disneyland app by 73.2% (ok for real though I had almost no issues with it when i was there??)

 He knows all of the secrets

 All of them

 Blurts out a bunch of random trivia and info he found while researching (which makes him fun to be with!!)

 Then asks why it's important and has to have it explained to him

 Snacks and water every 2 hours

Natsuki:

 The actual child

 Ai insisted on tethering him to a harness+leash after the aquarium fiasco

 Also must have someone keeping an eye on him at all times

 Outprincesses the Princesses

 where's tinkerbell

 more of a fairy than tinkerbell

 goes to bibbidi bobbidi boutique and gets pixie dust (glitter) sprinkled in his hair)

 the BEST character interactions

 insists on eating all the food so he can remake everything when he gets back

 somehow finds his way into the kitchens and poor syo is a victim

 Poses everyone before all the photos

 Must go on the fastest/scariest rides 6 times in a row

 Always has hands up and is laughing in every ride photo

The cutest, most magical expressions in all their pictures

Masato:

 Brought the snacks and water

 Helps Ai give them out on schedule

 Also has bandaids, bug spray, sunscreen, hats, sweaters, spare shoe inserts, spare clothes

 Has 2 bags in bag check and carries around an oversized backpack all day

 LOTS OF BUG SPRAY

 "masato there's not really a lot of bugs here"

 Insists everyone calls the minute that they're done rides if they separate

 Also insists on breaks midday

 Ai agrees

 Really interested in seeing all the shows, parades, etc and making this a learning experience

 Also wants to go on as many tours as possible

 Buys everything for Mai!!!

Video calls with Mai so she can see!!

 Holds Ai's hand during fireworks

Syo:

 we'RE noT taKinG breAkS

 he has this D O W N

 he trained for this

 he made everyone else train for this

 This boy is getting everything done.  Everything.

 Fainted when he realized how much there was to do

 Probably asked for Ai's help to make a schedule so they could get everything done

 Is the first to deviate from the schedule the minute they're through the gates

 Designated FastPass runner

 Coordinated everybody else's outfits

 "do you think we can get on a parade float"

 Boardwalk games!! He wins everything!!

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool squad

Otoya:

 Absolutely the most excited for the trip until they got there

 Is now overwhelmed

 Really interested in the music

 Seriously he pays attention to everything in the background and hums it the entire time

 He's so inspired for new songs now

 Designated photographer

 All his photos are blurry

CARS LAND!!!!!

 Winds up just running for FastPasses with Syo instead

 (i got kinda shippy with syo/otoya on ideas but ill resist)

Ichinose:

 Pulled more allnighters than necessary (sometimes with Ren) to plan and book everything but nobody knows how much they put into it

 Original daily routines, flights, reservations, packing lists, everything was started by him and Ren (until Ren started to favor sleep after two weeks)

 At first it’s all super simple but then he starts overcomplicating it and when he's in the thick of it he can't stop and has to solve every potential problem

 (no problems wind up happening)

 Reiji discovers him one night and shuts it down (and then took over/shifted some stuff to Ai who would be better suited)

 He and Masato were then in charge of buying items for the trip but Masato started overplanning/over worrying so he took over

 Park bags? Got them. Ponchos? Thank him. Waterproof phone protectors? You got it. Chargers? Lots! Trading pins? Preordered online

 Also really thinks hard about everybody's individual needs and concerns and is worried about everyone not having the best time ever

 This boy is S O  F T 

 He was also in charge of meal plans (until they got to the park and Ranmaru started hearing about all the food and took over)

 This boy has not slept since they first decided they were going and hasn't done a single thing he wanted to do the entire time they're there

 So crowds are a thing and he's now crashing

 Reiji pulls him aside and they wander off to get some drinks and probably to Tom Sawyer's Island (very quiet! beautiful nature views!) and just... be in Disneyland

 Really deep conversations while looking into New Orleans!

They ride the Mark Twain together and drive the boat too!!

 Reiji takes him through all the shops on Main Street and they spend hours in the art gallery

 Also they sit on the disneyland railroad and just go around the park 400 times? (he likes the parts in Splash Mountain, also the show scenes)

 He and Reiji get caught in one of the 'bandit' shows where their train is 'robbed'. He's annoyed at first but has fun.

 Is now just the designated ticket/pass/autograph book holder. Probably safely storing everyone's passports in his luggage too.

Camus:

 Does not appear interested in this adventure. At all.

 Until one night he orders Cecil awake at 3AM to do a bunch of research for him and does not say why

 Nobody finds out until the day of, but he's upgraded EVERYTHING. First class jet, upgraded rooms, premium viewing for shows, etc

 Probably managed to book an entire section of the park (or even an entire park) for the group

 Also he just wanted information on every treat in the area

 He wants to try EVERYTHING

 He knows where all the best sweets are (don’t be fooled a lot of the food/treats are d i s g u s t i n g) and all the specials for the season

 Contacted ahead of time to have special treats made for each of them that represent them and are then delivered during their dinner as a surprise

 Do it right or not at all

 Don't half-ass things

 This means nothing. I care about none of you

 "peasants"

 he's smiling

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool

Cecil:

 "whats that"

 O H

 NOW HE'S VERY EXCITED

 Marathoned every movie  EVERY movie for months with everyone

 TAKE THIS BOY TO THE PARADES

 ALSO ON THE TEACUPS

 ALSO MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH ALICE AND HATTER

 thinks the princesses are actually princesses

 charms them all

 Was not amused at waking up so early and obeying Camus but learned a lot and is surprisingly well-versed in the park

 Knows where everything is and what everyone is doing at every point in time

 "has anyone seen x it's been 4 hours" yes he knows where they are

 Also Ai would wake up halfway through his planning sessions and stumble across Cecil and they'd wind up planning together

Really cute early morning planning sessions before work

Cecil falls asleep on Ai’s shoulder

 This is when he finds out about Ai

 He changes into full-on rainsuit for water rides 'for ai's sake' and makes ai do it too (ai is confused)

 He and Ai huddle together under an extremely oversized raincoat (or refuse to get on water rides altogether)

 But if they're getting splashed he dramatically sacrifices himself for Ai

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool nap squad

So inspired by all the lights and costumes

STARISH is now getting led costumes

Also quick-change costumes (tear-away to reveal a second outfit!)

Skipping/running EVERYWHERE

singing the entire time

Ren:

 This boy takes forever to get ready in the morning

But he’s one of the first awake and helps Ai & Masato to parent everyone out of bed

There’s an ongoing joke that the three of them are married

Maybe they are

Did so much more for this trip than anyone realizes

Suggests they split off several times during the day so everybody can enjoy what they want to

Probably winds up taking over photos after seeing Otoya's

 They're much better

 Insists on hiring professional photographer though

 Don't tell anybody but he pulled all-nighters to get things planned out with Ichinose

 Coralls everybody in for the afternoon breaks

 “Time to relax in the pool” initiation squad

“yes you have to shower before we go back”

really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool squad

Reiji:

 "we're riding indiana jones ten times in a row kids" take me with you

 haw yee

 This boy has the most flamboyant hats and you can spot him from a mile away

the worst for being tacky

But also at the same time really charming and cute somehow?? 

But don’t tell him!

 Doesn't voice anything he wants to do, wants everyone else to have the best time.

 Insists on surprise kiss pictures with everyone

 Scrapbooks everything at the end of the trip because it was some of the best memories he had with everyone

he probably cries over the pictures because they mean a lot to him

 Ai finds out about the scrapbook and helps out

Is surprised for the following Christmas when everyone pulled together to make matching sweaters & ornaments for the whole group for a group picture for Reiji’s sake

It’s now a tradition

It’s his favourite tradition

Ranmaru:

 Here for the food

 Or so he thinks

 Winds up liking the rides a lot though

 Probably the one everyone hangs onto when they're scared

 super protective of ai on rides

 throws himself over ai on several occasions to prevent him from getting wet

 this is a good boy. ty for protecting the precious robot

 Last to wake up and first to head home but b o y does he have the most fun

 hell to pay the one day masato forgot to pack a banana

masato still feels bad

 (reiji to the rescue to prevent meltdown though)

unintentional cat naps with cecil during the mid-day breaks

either they’re cuddling

or cecil wanted to watch a movie and they wound up falling asleep while ranmaru was playing with cecil’s hair

he didn’t realize he swears

he just missed relaxing with a cat

cecil says nothing

Bonus!

Aine:

 at the bottom of the finding nemo ride

 bye

[lifewiththeboyds]

½ Flirty, Whole30

June 30, 2018

Mid-drive to a family function and post morning fruit-and-grain bar, I turned to Kyle and said, “My stomach hurts. It’s all crampy.” In the next 30 seconds we spontaneously decided: we’re starting Whole30 next week. It’s true that in the weeks prior I had been having some stomach cramps come up randomly and Kyle has always had trouble consuming dairy. We also thought it might be helpful for me to cut dairy while nursing our daughter, Maisie, since our son, Oliver, has a dairy allergy. So with that limited amount of decision making, we thought we’d just go crazy and try Whole30.

For any who are interested, here’s how we did it, what we learned, my new favorite recipes, a few Whole30 resources, and how we’re eating now. (Be warned: this is long.)

½ Flirty: How We Did Whole30

I wasn’t faithful to the Whole30 program; I flirted with some foods that were on the “do not eat” list. Since I started Whole30 one month postpartum with my second child, I wanted to make sure I was eating healthy for my body as I recovered and healthy for my baby as I nursed. A little bit of research taught me that whole grains do a lot for your milk production, so instead of sticking to the Whole30 rules, I kept whole grains in my diet. While on Whole30, my whole grains included: old-fashioned oats, whole grain bread, and whole grain and/or wild rice.

I also kept beans in my diet because I reasoned “they’re just beans!” I also kept honey in my diet; first because I didn’t know it was to be cut from your diet, but once I found out it wasn’t supposed to be eaten, I again reasoned “it’s just honey!”

Kyle (except for a slip-up or two) stayed true to the Whole30 rules.

Breakfast Kyle had scrambled eggs with ham, peppers, spinach, and green onion. My breakfast was scrambled eggs with peppers, spinach, and green onion with a slice of whole grain bread with coconut oil.

Lunch Kyle had leftovers from dinner. I had what I termed a “salad sandwich”: homemade mayo (I know, Whole30, ug), green leaf lettuce, spinach, cucumbers, avocado, and sea salt between two slices of whole grain bread. Sometimes I had it with turkey (breaking the rules) and sometimes I had it with a mashed up hard-boiled egg, but mostly I had just the veggies.

Dinner Our successful dinners rotated through these meals (I’ve included recipes later in this post):

Bun-less burgers topped with lettuce, avocado, and sugar-free ketchup served with a side of roasted veggies (potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots)

Aidell’s Chicken and Apple Sausage served over roasted veggies (carrots, peppers, broccoli, and peas) with whole grain and wild rice

Italian meatballs with tomato sauce served over butternut squash noodles with a side salad packed with veggies and homemade dressing

Marinated chicken served with roasted veggies (carrots, broccoli, peppers, potatoes)

Snacks I had a morning snack of my own homemade granola (see below for recipe) topped with frozen blueberries in coconut milk. In the afternoon and/or evening, I’d have a snack of sliced apple dipped in sunbutter (we are a peanut-free and tree-nut free household, as Oliver has peanut and tree nut allergies) and topped with raisins.

Some Whole30 participants claimed that RX Bars and Bare Chips were essentials. We didn’t want to buy these, largely because of the cost, but also because of the mentality you have while eating them: they still feel like a processed snack for when you just want to munch. We wanted to avoid that habit. We only ate an RX Bar once—on a drive home from the mountains when we were starving—and we actually didn’t like it.

Dessert After dinner we would have dates and apple juice. It was surprisingly satisfying.

What We Learned

Kyle completed Whole30 in order to test which foods upset his stomach (especially to see how much of a trigger dairy was). I completed Whole30 to relieve my stomach of odd cramps and to see if cutting dairy while nursing would be helpful for Maisie (saw no change there good or bad), but also to remind myself that food is not all my comfort and all my joy. I love sweets and I really enjoy eating, but I wanted to gain self-control over my eating habits and overall enjoy the energy (momma of two here!) and image benefits that eating real food can bring to your body. Overall, we learned:

What Are Feelings, Anyway? Despite the day-by-day breakdown of how you’ll be feeling on the program, we actually stayed afloat with no noticeable ups or downs—aside from me experiencing some stomach cramps about halfway through, which I contributed to eating too much meat, which I then cut back on. Sadly, Kyle saw no difference in how he felt off of dairy. We took away that we must have been eating pretty healthy prior to the program, and I think we were.

Make Veggies A Big Deal We learned to incorporate veggies whenever possible—peppers and spinach in scrambled eggs, butternut squash noodles on spaghetti night—and to just constantly ask: how can I incorporate more veggies?

Serve Fruit As Dessert Waiting to eat fruit until the end of the meal made it more fun, and we also ate more than we would if it had been a side with dinner.

A Satisfied Full (Kinda) I was happy to feel a satisfied full after meals, while Kyle, well, not so much.

Team Up We found it was really fun to be doing something new together. Experiencing this as a team was great for our friendship and our marriage.

Meal Planning Made Easy For me, meal planning on Whole30 was really easy: grill or cook a meat + roast some veggies = done. It helped me to simplify my meals and to eliminate the brainpower and time it takes to make sauces, casseroles, etc. It made grocery shopping easier, too! I love cooking, but in this season of life with two little ones, less time in the kitchen is a win for everyone.

Sweets Should Be Sweet: Watch for Hidden Sugars Sugar is hidden in so many condiments, sauces, marinades, dressings, and other cooking items. I learned to read labels and not purchase items if sugar was included when we thought it wasn’t needed. Sugar-free ketchup actually tastes great!

Don’t Eat Cheap Grains Graham crackers, Ritz, fruit-and-grain bars, cereals: these are all cheap grains in the sense that they don’t fill you up. It’s amazing how many times prior to Whole30 I would have just a little bit of Oliver’s cheap grain snacks during my everyday. I’ve learned to veer away from those in my diet and to keep them as a much less frequent snack in Oliver’s. The good news is he loves apples and sunbutter just as much as his momma. :)

People Are More Important Than Food The rules of the Whole30 program will tell you otherwise, but let’s remember that food is just food and people are, well, people. Maintaining a healthy relationship with your friends and family is more important that sticking to diet rules. This is why I still ate whole grains and why in the future I’m not going to let guilt creep in when my food expectations take a turn in the name of a healthy relationship—be it nursing my daughter or enjoying a dessert at a family celebration.

People Relate to Food In Different Ways Kyle doesn’t crave food and really doesn’t think about it except when food is placed in front of him. He eats what he is served and doesn’t daydream about what to have at the next meal. I wish I was like that! I think about food a lot. I really like to eat and I love sweets. For me, completing Whole30 helped to show me how to eat healthy, how to control food cravings, how to indulge, and how to just let it go sometimes and stop thinking about food so much.

How We Eat Now: Guidelines

The most frustrating thing about Whole30 is that it isn't a diet you should live on. It honestly makes me feel ridiculous for even doing it in the first place, as you should be eating grains. It is fine to eat dairy. Sugar isn’t a no-never-not-ever food. Now that we’ve been off Whole30 for almost three months, here’s what we’re eating.

Choose When To Indulge: Sweets I learned that off of Whole30, I should strive to make treats a treat. In the diet of my dreams, I would love to have two servings of dessert every night, but that isn’t healthy. What is healthy is to choose when to indulge. I have a printed calendar of the year taped to the inside of my kitchen cabinet. I’ve circled the days when I’ll be indulging in sweets—holidays, birthdays, bridal and baby showers, weddings, friends in town, date nights, vacations—it’s amazing how it all adds up. There are plenty of days when I’ll be enjoying sweets! And the big bonus there is that I’m enjoying sweets in the company of loved ones, which is a simple way to help bring joy to relationships. And if life contains a surprise—like homegrown cherries gifted to us by a co-worker last week—then I gratefully make a cherry pie, invite friends over, and enjoy that treat of a day I wasn’t expecting.

Yes: Whole Grains We now buy whole grains: oats, whole grain pasta and rice, and whole grain bread.

No: Cheap Grains We really are steering clear of cereal, crackers, graham crackers, chips, and the like. Will we eat a s’more with friends? Yes. Crackers as appetizers at a wedding, shower, or holiday? For sure. These are not “don’t eat” foods for us but rather “don’t buy” foods for us—or, buy as minimally as possible.

Choose When To Indulge: Baked Goods I have an amazing recipe for honey rolls and every time I make them, the compliments abound. My husband has grown up loving pancakes and biscuits. I also love to bake! So instead of cutting these delicious carbs out of our diet, we’ve kept them in moderation. Knowing that we are “only” eating whole grains, we really are aware of when we indulge in a good roll, breakfast item, or baked good. And we enjoy it all the more.

Yes: Fruits and Veggies We are still eating loads of veggies, incorporating them in our main dishes and as large sides, and aim to keep that going. The best barometer is at dinner: do I have a pan of veggies roasting in the oven as a side? We have fruits throughout the day, making those our snacks instead of cheap grains, and also have fruit after dinner.

Choose When To Indulge: Cheese I realized that the cheese I was buying was so...flavorless. I’d rather save the money I was spending on cheap cheese and instead indulge in a lovely hunk of parmesan for a special pasta night or Flagship Beecher’s Cheddar to serve with crisp apples when friends come over. Not eating the cheap cheese—in my sandwiches, on top of my eggs, in my spaghetti, or on my taco—is honestly not missed flavor-wise. And now I can see why people love cheese so much; when you buy a quality piece, it really does feel decadent.

Yes: Coconut Oil While we still buy butter, we use it way less frequently. Instead of butter on toast and rice, we use coconut oil. It’s even great on biscuits!

Grateful Eaters Above all, we want our attitudes to be of gratitude toward a meal, and to know that all this silliness about food is a first world concern. What happens when food is served to us that falls outside of our healthy rules? It was served to us—we eat it with a thankful heart and enjoy!

How We Eat Now: Meals

Meal planning and grocery shopping is extremely easy for me now. I have an Excel spreadsheet with the items we buy and what day of the week we are eating each meal. In the grocery store, I hardly pass through the middle aisles, which makes for a less hectic trip.

Breakfast We have scrambled eggs and whole grain toast with coconut oil. I will have a morning snack of homemade granola topped with frozen blueberries in coconut milk.

Lunch Kyle still has leftovers. I will have my salad sandwich as described above or leftovers as well.

Snack Once or even twice a day I’ll have a sliced apple with sunbutter and raisins. Our grocery story has a great deal of five apples for $2, so we stock. up.

Dinner We rotate through these meals each week:

Chicken salad on whole wheat bread with lettuce and sliced cucumber served with veggies

Marinated chicken with honey rolls (choosing to indulge here) and veggie-packed salad with homemade dressing

Aidell’s Chicken and Apple Sausage served over roasted veggies with whole grain and wild rice with a touch of coconut oil

Italian meatballs served over a mix of whole grain spaghetti and butternut squash noodles with homemade tomato sauce and a side of roasted carrots

Pancakes (choosing to indulge here, with butter and a healthy-ish version of maple syrup as well) served with veggie-loaded scrambled eggs

Kielbasa with whole grain rice and beans served with veggies or a salad

Burgers with whole grain buns and sugar-free ketchup served with roasted veggies, salad, and homemade baked beans

Tacos (seasoned ground beef) with black beans, onion, and bell pepper served with roasted sweet potatoes and red bell peppers, lettuce, green onion, and sour cream on a corn hardshell

In the past, I’ve rotated through what I call “seasonal meals”: a set of meals that fit the season. The meals above work well for summer, but I’ll switch most of these out for more fall-inspired meals come September. I’ll try to post those once the season rolls around!

Dessert Most nights we will have one or more of these: fruit, dates, apple or orange juice, and a sliced apple with sunbutter and raisins. For a sweet, Kyle has whatever he likes—mostly Oreos. I enjoy one square of dark chocolate with a half glass of milk. The desire for sugar is strong in me, and this is really helping to maintain a healthy balance.

Recipes

Beth’s Burger Seasoning (for four patties) 1 tsp. each of salt, pepper, garlic powder, dill, and chives

Grill. _______________

Italian Meatballs 1 lb. ground beef 1 egg 1/2 tsp. garlic powder 1 Tbs. parsley salt and pepper

Roll into a dozen balls and bake at 400 for ~20 minutes. _______________

Tomato Sauce 1 14.5 oz. can of crushed tomatoes 1/2 tsp. garlic powder 1 Tbs. Italian seasoning _______________

Marinated Chicken (for five breasts, sliced lengthwise for a thinner cut) Coat breasts with equal parts salt, pepper, and thyme, then marinate in: 1/2 cup olive oil 1/4 cup lemon juice 2 Tbs. dijon mustard 2 Tbs. honey

Cook on stovetop. Freeze remaining breasts. Reheat in oven, wrapped in foil. _______________

Beth’s Granola Mix: 1 cup old-fashioned oats 1/4 cup sunflower seeds 1 tsp. chia seeds

Then coat with: 1 Tbs. coconut oil 1/4 cup honey 1 tsp. vanilla Bake at 350 until golden, ~10 minutes. Then mix in: 1/2 cup raisins 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut flakes Best enjoyed when topped with frozen blueberries in coconut milk.

Phew! That was a lot. Thanks for reading!