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andoqin · 3 years

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Greetings Ninth Uncle

So I’m reading a het novel called Greetings Ninth uncle and oh my god.

“Duke Cai said that I am an ideal wife and mother, and I think so too.” Cheng Yujin smiled softly. It was the look she used most often in front of people. However, the bright light in her eyes was incompatible with the usually gentle and virtuous eldest Miss Cheng.

“My family has decent status and clean background. Even if we are not of the highest rank, my father is Yichun Marquis Manor’s shizi, soon to be titled marquis, and my mother is Qingfu Junzhu. In the eyes of many prestigious family’s madams, this is an ideal background for a daughter-in-law. There is the saying that ‘Men should take a wife from a lower status, women should marry a man of the higher status.’ My status is neither high nor low, but decent enough and clean. As for myself, I am beautiful and have a gentle disposition. My manner is excellent, I am good at social niceties, and proficient in the four arts of zither, chess, calligraphy, and painting. I am also good at cooking, embroidery, and household management. I fulfill all the requirements of a virtuous wife and good mother. Not to mention others, even myself also want to take such a daughter-in-law home.”

Zhai Yanlin frowned. These words made him uncomfortable. Zhai Yanlin curled his eyebrows and said: “Eldest Miss Cheng, as a boudoir girl…”

“As a boudoir girl, how can I say such things, right?” Cheng Yujin still smiled sweetly. “But this is the fact. Everyone acknowledges it. Ah, this is the result of my long years of hard work. From a perfect noble family daughter to a perfect daughter-in-law candidate. In the future, I will become a perfect bride, a perfect wife, and a perfect matriarch. This is my goal. As long as I can get what I want, it’s not hard to maintain this perfect image.”

“After I knew about Cai Duke Manor’s intention, I also carefully considered this matter. I can manage the duke household well. I can manage Zhai Qing well. Although it’s a bit tricky, it’s not impossible to regain the right to manage the household and bring the crooked Zhai Qing back to the right path. But let me ask Duke Cai, what can you bring me in exchange for my hard work?”

When Zhai Yanlin heard this, he was too shocked even to say a word. In the past, women would pounce upon him one after another. Whether it was to be his concubines or second wife, there were countless of them. But no one ever asked him, “what can you bring to me?”

What could he bring to her? Zhai Yanlin’s three views1 were having a violent turbulent. He was the dignified Duke Cai. He possessed wealth and power that made countless people envy him. He was tall, majestic, and had a good look. Shouldn’t women fall in love with him as a matter of fact?

Zhai Yanlin couldn’t believe it. He was used to be the one who chose. He never thought that there would be a woman standing on the opposite side, wantonly evaluating his worth.

Cheng Yujin didn’t care how great an impact was her words brought to Zhai Yanlin’s three views. She continued counting with her fingers: “If Second Madam Zhai’s words are not wrong, then the duke title and all the family property will belong to Zhai Qing in the future. That is to say, after twenty to thirty years of hard work, I have to raise another person’s son and won’t even get large rewards. Then why should I bother to work hard? Even if I give birth to a son, he can’t inherit the family, then why should I risk my life and damage my beauty to give birth to a child? Taking a step back, no matter how good I manage the household, those properties won’t belong to me or my children in the future. So why should I spend so many efforts to accumulate wealth for others?”

Cheng Yujin raised three fingers to Zhai Yanlin. “Wealth, power, comfort. Duke Cai cannot give me any of these. Why should I marry you?”

Zhai Yanlin took a long time to finally regain his ability to speak: “You…you are rebellious. Women should be gentle and tactful, supporting husband and raising children without asking for anything in return. How can you open your mouth so blatantly and talk about benefits and rewards?”

Cheng Yujin was already very impatient: “Duke Cai, I think you are also a high-ranking official of the court. Then let’s just speak openly. Since you want to form a cooperation with me, then you should show sincerity. Don’t bring nonsense like womanly virtue or gentleness to the negotiating table. I can bring peace and order to your family for at least thirty years. If you still want me to take care of Old Madam Zhai and correct Zhai Qing’s behavior, you have to add more bargaining chips. This is my worth. What about you? What can you bring to me?”

Cheng Yujin discussed marriage with the same tone as discussing a business deal. This kind of scene was not unfamiliar to Zhai Yanlin. On the contrary, he dealt with many people in the court and the army on a daily basis, using the same negotiating tactic to exchange interests and test each other’s bottom line. If he was dealing with the court officials, Zhai Yanlin liked this kind of person who showed their demands and worth straightforwardly. But in marriage…

Zhai Yanlin was utterly shocked. Cheng Yujin was like a sharp knife with no emotions. She mercilessly cut open the thick cloth that had blindfolded him over the years and presented the bloody truth before his eyes.

That’s right. Those women who pursued him, did they truly like him as a person? No. His wealth, power, and status were the key.

He had always deceived himself, thinking that he was extraordinarily heroic and charismatic, which attracted so much love from the women. But those women, those concubines in his home and even his late wife, which one didn’t look at his family’s status and future wealth? They all wanted to give birth to a son and gained a part of his family property.

This thought just never occurred to Zhai Yanlin. He maintained his ridiculous, stubborn male self-esteem, pride, and self-confidence he had lived in for most of his life. But at this moment, Cheng Yujin put on all the bargaining chips on the negotiating table, and for the first time ever, Zhai Yanlin realized that his self-confidence was actually so vulnerable. In front of Cheng Yujin’s calm, rational, and ruthless words, it collapsed easily.

Zhai Yanlin was agitated, and switched into the negotiation mode he used at the court. However, he immediately realized that he couldn’t bring anything out. Zhai Yanlin remained still for a long time, and finally said with a dry tone: “If you become my wife, I will treat you well, and you can have any gold and luxury as you want…”

Cheng Yujin laughed. Her voice was not loud, but the laugh directly pierced into Zhai Yanlin’s ears.

Zhai Yanlin felt an indescribable embarrassment.

Talking about feelings at the negotiating table was unbecoming.

“Duke Cai, your feelings are worthless to me. What else can you offer me?”

Zhai Yanlin could not answer. Cheng Yujin also didn’t expect him to answer, and immediately continued: “You cannot give me any benefit, whether in the present or the future. Then why do you want to marry me? And even stop me in the middle of the garden?”

Your feelings are worthless to me—this sentence hit hardly, and gave Zhai Yanlin the final and fatal blow. His male self-esteem was greatly hit. But he couldn’t even refute, because it was a fact.

Many women in the world were soft-hearted, but Cheng Yujin obviously won’t. The affection of her future husband was worthless to her. She wanted money and power, and didn’t want him.

Like a poor, dejected young man, Zhai Yanlin stood in front of the woman he likes, feeling at a loss as to what to do. He watched Cheng Yujin turned around and leave. He didn’t look away for a long time, and just standing there in silent depression.

Is it heavy handed? Sure. But it still works for me, because yeah, why *should* the FL marry this dude. If only more FLs in het C-Novels had this attitude, honestly.

#greetings ninth uncle #cnovel

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margridarnauds · 5 years

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Okay! This just came to mind BUT...fancast for Bres/Sreng, and your favorites of the Fomorians, TDD, and Fir Bolg, also, fan cast your favorite Ulster Cycle characters! :D

GOD I’ve thought of it a lot, and I’ve never quite come up with someone who FITS.

Sreng-

He isn’t QUITE as beefy as Sreng should be, and I’d actually rather Sreng not be conventionally attractive. (Personally, my take on Bres/Sreng is Bres doing a Fleur Delacour and being like “I AM GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US, I THINK.” Personally, I’d LOVE to have it be more region-accurate, as far as getting actors from the relevant regions of Ireland to be them (so, someone from Munster for Sreng, possibly Northern Ireland for Bres, etc.) and I would genuinely love to see someone who’s not white as Sreng, provided it was done well. (Emphasis on ‘well.’) For centuries now, the Fir Bolg have been coded as POC, as writers used them and twisted them into a pro-colonization narrative (”The Tuatha dé were totally right to eradicate this primitive people”), and I would love to see a triumphant reclamation of that, especially since to this day, there’s this idea that Ireland is all white (Hint: It’s not.) But again. It’d have to be done well, and I’m not sure that would be MY take on it to tell because, as is well known and documented, I’m very, very white.

But, Aidan Turner’s Black Irish, which fits some of the later descriptions of the Fir Bolg, I think he could do a really good job capturing the different dynamics of Sreng’s personality and his development. I think he could REALLY nail Sreng at the beginning, where he’s this young guy in a family that’s tearing itself apart but who is still devoted to his king as he develops into the king of a conquered people.

Bres -

I’ll be honest, I’ve NEVER seen anyone who quite fits into my image of Bres. Bres is just…TOO pretty. There’s no one who’s pretty enough to be him. Like, I’ll search for “Hollywood’s Prettiest Actors” and get “Hollywood’s handsomest actors” and see Chris Hemsworth’s face and I’m just like NO. DON’T YOU SEE? If you can picture him cutting wood outside a log cabin, that’s not BRES.

Personally, I see Lee Pace MORE as Elatha (and again, I’d rather someone actually FROM Ireland play Bres), but he’s also the closest I can come to Bres. On one hand, he’s 40 while Bres is…young when everything begins, but I think he could really sell the snark factor, and come the actual time period for CMT…he would be about the right age, even though Tuatha dé…aging…it’s complicated. But still. Closest thing. And it wouldn’t be the first time we got someone playing a character half their age.

Fomoire -

Indech-

Look. I tried to resist it. I really did. Especially given that he looks next to nothing like the actress I’ve ALREADY cast as his daughter. But like. MADS MIKKELSEN AS INDECH. I REPEAT: MADS MIKKELSEN BEING PROBABLY THE MAJOR VILLAIN OF THE TEXT, NEXT TO BRES AND ELATHA.He was going to either HAVE to be either Balor or Indech, and Balor’s…actually not that bad a guy, all things taken into account. Indech, though? Holy SHIT. And he could be BONE-CHILLING. Imagine him saying Indech’s line about grinding the Tuatha dé’s bones to dust, while Bres kind of just looks at him like “This is what I signed up for.” Him killing Duirgen as in the Dindsenchas poem, but doing it almost casually, the same as him swatting a fly.

Indech’s Daughter-

I will give you a hint to how MUCH I want Katie McGrath as Indech’s Daughter (who I have many, many feelings about at any time of the day despite her brief appearance): There have been times that the only reason I keep on with my WIP is JUST because I know she’s not getting any younger and I NEED to see her there. THE SNARK. THE SCHEMING. And, in my ideal adaption of CMT, we’d see more of her relationship with her brother(s), father, etc., and I think that she could sell it. Do I think her acting is always the best? …Not really, BUT at the same time…KATIE MCGRATH AS INDECH’S DAUGHTER. PLEASE.

Ochtriallach -

It is surprisingly hard to find a Scandinavian actor under 40. HOWEVER, I think he could do a good job, even if most of the Vikings style decisions make me want to pull my hair out. We KNOW he can play brutal characters, and Och is…brutal, though I would also want to show a softer side when it comes to his sister/Ruadan. I’m just going to have to accept that the Indechson family is one of those families where no one looks like each other (and where one of them is slightly more…Irish than the other two).

Tethra- Gerard Butler

Tfw your sister wants to marry some random ass mortal from Ireland, aka the country that you tried to invade, like, two thousand years ago, and Bres is on his bullshit and all you want to do is go fishing.

Balor -

Because redheaded Balor IS a hill I’m willing to die on. Just give Kristofer Hivjuan eyepatch and we’re good to go.

Cethlenn -

Look, I KNOW “I think you’d do a good job playing a character named ‘Cethlenn of the Crooked Teeth’ who is also the grandmother of one of the main characters in the story” isn’t what EVERYONE would want to hear, especially when she’s not THAT much older than her prospective grandson, but…I think Myanna Buring could do it. (And anyway, aging is fucky with immortals, so)

Indusa -

Can anyone ELSE play Bres’ only daughter?

Ruadan -

Because I’m almost out of young, ginger Irish actors.

TDD -

Eriu-

Alyssa Sutherland. I could REALLY see her rocking it, just from what I’ve seen in Vikings. Eriu’s an interesting figure, and I don’t think she gets enough credit for being the equivalent of a single mother in a society that…while you have different types of marriage, so Bres STILL has inheritance rights with Elatha…there was definitely a stigma. Especially for raising a son who NO ONE knew the father to. (It’s left ambiguous, but my personal read on the text is that Bres was raised by all the women and that Bres was kept out of the loop as far as who his real father was, hence why he asks Eriu later on.) I also would LOVE to see her as the years go on, watching as Bres and Elatha’s relationship breaks down and being in the state of not being able to help her son, because it seems like any choice she makes just drags him closer to his doom, and I think she could really show that, and really give us an Eriu with spirit.

Bríg-

Look, I’ll be honest here: Bríg is NOT my favorite character. It’s not that I HATE her per se, it’s just that I get rather sick of hearing about her all the time and about how she was SO OPPRESSED by her TERRIBLE ARRANGED MARRIAGE to Bres. (Note: We have NO IDEA why they married, when they married, or how long they were married. There’s a LOT of info you can fill in the blanks on. People take a lot for granted, not least being that Bríg would be the ONLY one who hated being married to someone she didn’t love and was vastly incompatible with.) Like, she has VERY LITTLE to do in terms of the actual myths, she’s not as well-documented as Bres, she doesn’t have as much of a PERSONALITY as Bres, and yet I have to hear about the self-insert version of her 24/7 while people trash my son.

BUT MY BITTERNESS ASIDE: Bríg…we get very little on her, and so I’m not going to fill in more than needed, but she’s highly associated with the aristocracy of skill. Think of it: Doctors, poets, smiths, ALL of them are the top, top, top of the social ladder in terms of skills, and she’s patroness of all of them. It’s not said whether she dabbles in them herself or not, but she’s obviously interested, and I think Eleanor Tomlinson is very good at being upperclass when needed, even though people most know her as Demelza from Poldark. I also think that, judging from the rest of her career, she could do a very good job showing that kind of gut wrenching grief she shows at Ruadan’s death. (The way I picture that scene going down, it’s BRUTAL, with Bríg being devastated for this boy she’s never really known and furious at Bres for his role in it, furious at the Tuatha dé and the Fomoire alike for their role in bringing it about.) She wouldn’t be a passive Bríg, I think she’d play a Bríg with a little more agency and spark while hopefully not veering into anachronistic territory.

I don’t necessarily like casting Bríg in particular with an English actress, but…well…she’s a good fit.

Airmed -

HELL YEAH SARAH BOLGER. Airmed is…a delicate figure. Like, think of it: She loses two brothers close together (Cian and Miach), the latter of whom she was prevented from even MOURNING because her father was still so insecure and bitter. She’s as brilliant as anyone in her family (keeping in mind that she’s the aunt of LUGH), but…realistically, you’d have to be TERRIFIED of being too smart, after seeing what happened to Miach. Like, the text itself doesn’t do much in terms of giving her a sense of interiority, but I like to imagine that, when her father says “And Airmed shall remain,” he leans over, gives her a fatherly kiss on the forehead, and she tries to repress a shudder. And Sarah Bolger is very, very good at playing aristocratic ladies with that sense of vulnerability while still being poised and elegant.

Ogma -

Doesn’t look QUITE as strong as Ogma needs to be, but I think he could sell it. He tends to do a really good job with the “second in command standing loyally by” type of roles, and I think that works really well with what we get of Ogma.

Lugh -

Look….Jamie Campbell Bower could rock it. I know, ANOTHER Brit, BUT…he could rock it. He has that kind of androgynous pretty boyness that’s kind of a main thing with Bres, Lugh, and Cú Chulainn, and I think he could portray Lugh as the bitch that he needs to be. Someone dedicated to the Tuatha dé, yes, but also brutally determined to do whatever it takes to make sure that he ends up on top. (Personally, I think he could be utterly terrifying during the scene at Carn úi Neit with Bres.)

Nuada -

I’ll be honest, my gut response was “Colin Farrell” but…I already called him for King Eochaid. And John Lynch is a good actor with a long filmography under his belt. And Nuada…he’s a tragic character, but there’s also a dark edge to him. A dark edge to all the TDD, really, and I think he could do it, as well as show Nuada’s vulnerabilities after losing the arm. (Though I’d also be willing to switch Nuada and Eochaid out.)

Uaithne, the Dagda’s harper-

Look, it was only a matter of time before I cast Hozier as ONE of the immortals; I just thought it would be HILARIOUS if, after the battle, the Dagda is FREAKING OUT because his harpist has been stolen, and then we cut to fucking Hozier strumming out a song while even Bres looks to be having a good time, and then the Dagda, Ogma, and Lugh BURST in and there’s this “Oh shit” moment. I for one think Hozier would make a very good damsel in distress.

Fir Bolg -

On one hand, it would almost be a waste given how little he actually gets, but Colin Farrell would make a DEVASTATING King Eochaid.

Tfw the TDD arrive out of nowhere and try to threaten you at swordpoint and you probably spent your younger days/your father DEFINITELY spent his younger days enslaved in Greece and so you’re sick to death of colonizers and their bullshit and then they kill you in a three on one battle but not before you leave the throne to your cousin whose brother you killed as part of a generations long feud and who is also disturbingly hot for the champion on the other side and OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

Tailtiu-

Actually had a devil of a time, coming down to Marie Doyle Kennedy or Elena Anaya (the latter of whom had a slight leg up for actually being Spanish), and then I remembered Ruth Negga’s existence and I was like “OH.” I’m not AS familiar with her work on other things, but from what I’ve seen, I think she could do a really dignified take on Tailtiu, where she mourns, but she has to pick herself up off the ground. Tailtiu is a survivor, she’s a woman who left Spain to be with the Fir Bolg (and Eochaid), and then was left a widow, yet managed to become a fixture by being the foster mother to Lugh. (And, ultimately, by marrying Bres’ grandson, which never ceases to be hilarious to me.) I think that we could get a multi-facetted side to her, dealing with her in issues of state as well as her personal life. (I would KILL for some Tailtiu VS Sreng arguments when they’re making the decision to leave or stay.)

Ulster Cycle:

This will be considerably quicker given I’m not as attached to it as my mythological peeps.

Blathnat - Evanna Lynch

My girl. My angel who deserved so much better. Personally, I think Evanna has this…kind of distant, “out there” vibe, which is probably mostly because of knowing her as Luna, and I think that really suits Blathnat.

Emer- Tamsin Egerton

And yes, ANOTHER English actress. For an Irish/distantly Scandinavian noblewoman. know. I know. But LOOK, she looks very…Emer-ish to me.

Aiden Gillan - Bricrui or Forgal the Wily

The man’s made a career being devious and cunning on TV. This is perfect.

Uathach - Freya Mavor

Aífe - Eva Green

In all fairness, THIS time I didn’t cast an Irish character with a Brit. I just…cast a Scottish character with a French actress. But look, my girl deserves JUSTICE. And I believe Eva Green could give it to her.

#long post #irish mythology #violetcancerian

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rasoir-national · 5 years

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That time smart people found the dumbest reason to oppose gay marriage

Ah, I remember, when gay marriage was voted in France... I was such a fresh young face, nursing my burgeoning depression while going through prep school.. The minister of justice sponsoring the bill happened to be a black woman, so catholics would protest in white togas by throwing banana peels everywhere, weird guys were distributing pamphlets preaching virginity outside high schools... At that time, I honestly believed that anyone who opposed gay marriage was either too dumb or too bigoted to make a convincing argument.

But then, I grew up, I switched from business to law, and then I discovered something : you could be extremely “smart”, and still be bigoted as fuck and make an extremely unconvincing argument that just happened to sound smart if you didn’t think about it for more than 0.3 seconds.

So today, as a special treat to celebrate the end of my exams, let me take you on a magical journey to that one time supposedly the smartest people found the dumbest argument against gay marriage.

So, it wouldn’t be a RazRant (patent pending) if it didn’t start in an unexpected place, right ? This time, we start in the wonderful world of Civil Registration.

What is civil registration ? Well, it’s that thing that keeps track of the population. Here in “developed” countries, it’s a completely integrated part of society : you are born, you marry, you have children, you die, all of this is recorded in the civil registry. In general, cities are in charge of those, and you’ve probably been there at least once if you’ve ever been in a city hall.

But if you’re reading me, you’ve most likely been gravitating around the frev fandom, so you know it’s taken a long time to arrive here : it was only toward the end of the middle ages that churches started being able to somewhat faithfully keep track of their flock. It wasn’t rare for entire archives to be lost or destroyed, and there are entire parts of history that we won’t be able to recover due to this loss.

Pretty much since it was created, modern administration has been paranoid about losing documents, especially those that help keep track of the population. For that reason, civil registration has long worked a certain way : by changing and destroying as little as humanly possible. When something changes in someone’s life, you don’t scratch it or make a new document. You make a note in the margin. Nothing must be erased, or modified so you can’t keep track of what happened. Even nowadays, the only legal case in which a document is “erased” is when a child gets a full adoption (one of the two types of adoptions in french law) : in that case, they get a new civil statute with their new name on it. And EVEN THEN they don’t destroy the old civil statute. They just put a black cross on it like it’s got the plague or something.

New times brought new mentalities : after the second world war, the question of the difference between “legitimate” and “natural” child started garnering attention. Jean Carbonnier, hallowed be his name, who was tasked with rewriting the Civil code, and happened to be a protestant - the reason i’m specifying this is not clear to me, but it seemed very important to every teacher i’ve ever had so - therefore tried to think of ways you could minimize the number of natural children. Let’s be clear, that meant minimizing the ways men could avoid recognizing children. His big idea was this : we need a way we can presume a child is yours, and it’ll be up to you to prove it’s not. Thus was born the presumption of paternity : what it means is that if a woman is married, her husband is presumed to be the father of her child. If he wants to prove otherwise, then he has to obtain a DNA test, instead of the woman having to prove that he is indeed the father. This way, children were more likely to be born with two legal parents instead of one, which meant more rights and more protection.

And all of this went on to be recorded in the civil registry, because that’s really what’s important : to keep track of it all.

Fast forward to a few years ago, the idea of gay marriage is starting to gain traction. Most of the people opposing it are weirdly ultra-religious weirdoes or just bigoted for the sake of it. But wait ! For on the horizon, new heroes appear ! And they’ve brought logic and legal theory with them ! And some of them are my future teachers !

And so they go on to make their own version of THINK OF THE CHILDREN ! Get this : if we let people of the same sex (gender was barely a thing at the time) marry, then what happens to our beautiful presumption of paternity ? How are we supposed to deduce who fathered who, when these two people couldn’t possibly have produced a child together ! [side-note : yeah, i know it’s false, trans people are real*, suck it terfs, unfollow me, yada yada, you know the drill]

Calm down, said, well, everyone. No one is thinking the presumption is going to be destroyed. No one is being delusional : when people of the same gender have a child, the parent(s) who did not give birth to the child will just recognize them (NB: if you’re the birth parent, recognition is pretty much automatic, you have to really go out of your way to remain anonymous). Simple, right ?

“Noooo, that won’t do” said the very smart people.

“Why ?” asked everyone, bemused.

“BECAUSE IT WON’T MAKE SENSE ON THE REGISTRY !”

Yes, believe it or not, this wasn’t so much about thinking of the children than it was thinking of the registry. That poor piece of paper. If we let something that doesn’t make “biological sense” get on the registry, then how is any family going to make sense ? How is a child going to know their origin ? How will people even know if they are related ?? (Fun fact : such a registry exists in Iceland, because the population pool is so small you legitimately have to check that you’re not related to someone before getting with them)

So, because things would be harder to track on paper, people of the same gender shouldn’t be allowed to marry. That was a real argument some real people actually made.

Let’s pretend for a minute this “argument” isn’t bigotry masquerading as concern trolling rolled in bad faith for a moment and explain why this is bullshit.

First of all, I know it may be hard to understand for some people, but the world has changed. We are not at risk at losing the entire department archives if a church burns anymore. Everything is on multiple servers on top of the paper version. Even if we have to modify, rectify or re-do a civil statute, it doesn’t mean a person is suddenly going to be legally erased.

Second of all, and this is really what gets me, the very point of a civil registry is to serve the people. Not the other way around. That goes for all of law and that’s something I see my teachers and fellow students routinely forget : law is not a given truth, it is not “logic”, or “common sense”, it’s a system, a way of framing the world, in order to solve problems. Rules exist not because they are self-evident, but because they serve a purpose. The minute we forget that and think the rules we created should command the way we live simply because they are rules, it’s gone horribly wrong. The way the world and mores change doesn’t and shouldn’t be constricted by the logic of what a law can envision. The fate of every law is to eventually be obsolete. Even incredibly evident, intemporal rules have to be rewritten to fit the times. So what if the way we see parentality is now incompatible with our way of tracking population changes ? It’s that way that has to change, not us. We build laws to structure the world, the same way a house needs solid foundations, but if the family gets too big for your house, you don’t cut your children in half : you rebuild the house.

Law is fascinating. Despite how frustrating it can be, I hope it comes across in those long posts of mine how much I love what I do and how much I believe in what law can do for people. But ultimately, law is a tool. It doesn’t control us. Falling in love with the beauty of law for the sake of itself is a dangerous thing. A theory can just as much be a prison if you spend too much time inside to remember that it’s, in the end, just a construction of the mind. Justified only by its usefulness for enforcing what a society may consider “good” and “reasonable”. I’ve seen some beautiful theories get utterly destroyed by one new jurisprudence, and it’s devastating, because you know you’ve just lost a powerful way to make sense of the world. But the law is not made to be a theory set in stone ; it’s made to be the changing mirror of ourselves, both the idealized and the guiding image of what society aspires to be. So it comes down to this : ultimately, what do you want to preserve ? The rights of a couple and their child ? Or the rights of a piece of paper ?

*if you’re the speculating type, yes, you are correct, the registry argument is the exact same one that they opposed to trans people who wanted to change their birth marker on their civil statute - especially since in France, a potential employer can ask for a copy of it. The way it works is that the correct gender is noted in the margin so the original mention remains untouched. And yes, you are right again : it’s complete bullshit. And a great example of how legal pearl-clutching has very immediate and real consequences on people’s safety.

#law stuff #gay marriage #and now i'm going to sleep #cw homophobia #cw transphobia

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slaaneshfic · 5 years

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Dean Kenning, Social Body Mind Map

I just finished reading and making notes on (using the Digestion System I employ to get around my badly limited memory, which is i think detailed in an earlier post) a paper shared with me by the artist and lecturer Dean Kenning. I’ve known Dean’s work for a while, we’ve been on panels and in exhibitions together going back 5 years or so, but this is the first time I’ve been able to got through a text to understand this system which he uses in teaching. I’m going to attempt to summarize it briefly here, and then talk about what happened when I tried the system myself.

Dean sets up the context for the workshop against increasing pressures in the UK on art education. The system of education in this country is primarily based around learning, recalling, and appling pre-existing methods and facts on demand, to satisfy predetermined outcomes. This is a problem because it is both incompatible with learning art, but also therefor discounts art and the definition of “thinking” it embodies. The thinking in art is generative, rather than prescriptive. There are ideological reasons for this which Dean doesn't go into but which should be fairly obvious in relation to school as site of labour discipline and enforcer of pre existing hierarchies of thought and power.

The “Social Body Mind Map” is method of understanding an artwork in particular, and art making in general as not arising from either a pre established set of ideas, or from an inscrutable and unknowable mystical self. It does this through the use of “the diagram” which i will return to, but first the aim of the workshop which this system is delivered to students by is characterised within its name, and the pairings of the four words. The “Social Body” reminds us that this is primarily about understanding self not as an autonomous individual but as the expression of multiple flows through one’s body connecting to things outside of it over time. The “self” (and Dead draws from Deleuze here) is better understood as an area where possibilities and influences converge. I wont go into more detail than that, as explaining this is in part what the workshop does. the second pairing is “Body Mind” and this emphasises that the thinking is something we do with our bodies rather than in some abstracted upper hierarchy. In fact Dean proposes the SBMM is a process of thinking through a diagram. Finally the paring “Mind Map” is a recognisable one to most students and is there to add a recognisable position to begin from. Dean’s mind map is not the same as the spider diagrams we might learn in school though for an important reason. Normally the mind map begins with a clear central position, the subject being “brain stormed”. Dean rightly points out that this standard method generally results in the reinforcement of existing structures, it favours cliches especially at first. Dean’s mind map will change this, by having the central position occupied by a partially unknown quantity. This unknown quantity will be “the art work”, which can be a completed, in progress or future one. Dean’s aim for this is as already stated to allow art works to be understood not as the reflection of some static self but as "generative of a subject”. The aim is also to articulate the “thinking” involved in art which is also generative. Finally, in order to achieve the latter, the workshop uses the former to “alienate the student from their work”, to make the artwork strange and not simply a “reflection” and therefore grant them agency in the process of production of thought.

Workshop stage 1

the workshop begins by prepping the participants to think of where an artwork arises from other than just as a reflection of some unknowable constant self. Dean draws up a series of headings under which as a group they list the things which answer broadly the question “that facilitated this artwork coming to be?” the headings are

Capacities (things like: perception, imagination, strength, emotion etc)

Motivations (things like: Will, pleasure, boredom, instruction, deadlines)

Resources (things like: materials, tools, support from teacher, friends etc)

Organisations (things like: school, galleries, manufacturers, government etc)

So thinking about the production of the artwork moves from “I used my imagination” alone, to a series of statements such as “i used perception of the feeling of clay to see what forms it could hold without collapsing” and “The government set a syllabus which means is followed by my teacher who sets the deadline of two weeks to produce this artwork” and so on.

workshop stage 2

Dean then leads and example mind map, having already primed the students to think about their work in terms of these networks. the mind map begins with a “?” in its centre, and Dean tracks the influences which converge in this central point which is procedurally redrawn as “the artwork”.

Students then do their own, on their own, drawing on large paper this network. of factors which caused this artwork to be. Dean has some good examples of how a student, whos central image the wardrobe grew a giant toe in the drawing. The toe is in fact the act of student stubbing their own toe against the wardrobe in the dark which has identified as a factor in why they were drawn to make an artwork about it.

Dean’s recounting of conversations with students show that this workshop serves to uncover unknown or disregarded factors in the production of artworks. its described as “digging up hidden roots”. I think this is really important, I very much remember the feeling of art production as something “mysterious” in the sense that it was obscure. Following that pop cultural ciche of art just arising from some internal genius, that art was a reflection of the character or soul of the person making it. The process of production of ideas was not something I ever saw discussed in any art school I studied in including at Masters level. I understood in the second year of my MA that emotions where important, specifically that I could not make work when anxious, and I also developed rules around when during its cycle of development/production/reflection I would analyse a work (I’m currently deliberately breaking this rule, having adhered to it for over 10 years, specifically so I can understand it better, but thats another post)

Finally what also of note, is the manner in which the capacities/motivations/resources/organisations are connected to the alienated central artwork in the diagram also become important. As with everything in Dean’s system, there’s no prescribed way to do it, but in drawing out a line as a big toe, or casually decided as in mine to draw “fear” as the contents of a specimen jar this opens up further layers of reflection. This is a process of achieving that art teacher mantra of “letting go”. How you draw the limbs or tentacles becomes important without being anxiety provoking up front.

Final final note, as stated all of the system is adaptable and emergent. The lists of capacities etc as just an example, and they are generated with the group including the potential for entirely new categories. I copied Deans example list into my notebook above, and used both that and further examples as and when i thought of them .

My SBMM for “Ok, Welcome to the black parade”

OWTTBP is an artwork I started, and then deliberately let stall and left incomplete a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to write about the process of making it (even though this breaks a rule I’ve long followed, which is to not take apart works in progress, but to only analyse my works when there is at least one completed work between them and what I am working on now, my “one work buffer” rule). Reading Dean’s model for SBMM seemed like a perfect opportunity to work on this Reanimator corpse that I had left partially assembled, and also understand the process Dean is talking about better through employing it.

[Briefly, the “artwork” as it stands is a short science fiction story, written to an arbitrary formal constraint of 5 line paragraphs for the majority of the text. There are two points where this 5 line pattern deviates. firstly there is a section where the paragraphs all begin “You wake up...” for 7 paragraphs (there are around 50 of the 5 line paragraphs, paras 31-37 begin with “you wake up”. Secondly, after the narrative in the 5 line paras ends, there is an epilogue, which loosely sticks to 2 line paras, and has a different tone of voice. The artwork so far exists as this narrative, and a structure whereby I want something to happen between each of those 5 line parars (excluding the block which begin “you wake up”, which are back to back, in the manner of the scenes of strobing in and out of consciousness we are familiar with in cinema) which pulls the audience out from the narrative into an unstable space. Likewise there will be unstable space between the paras of the epilogue, but where I understand the former unstable space to be disordered but partly intelligible, the space between the epilogue paragraphs should be utterly ahuman.]

Above in pink is a diagram I had already developed (there is another one in the post before this) on my own to try and understand the art work I had made. the Diagram using SBMM is right at the top of this post, drawn by hand in my notebook. What became apparent when drawing is that the diagram was going to be much larger than i had space for. There are threads which I felt dissatisfied with because i knew there was so much more detail which had been left out due to the “resolution” I was working at. For example, the first thread I drew was the “Verbal tic” head at the 12 o’clock position in the diagram. I have verbal tics which occur mostly when I am stressed and/or struggling to manage my intrusive thoughts. It feels like trying to tap alt-f4 with my brain or shake and etch-a-sketch. What I happen to mutter in the form of these tics goes through phases and for whatever reason, I had been muttering “Ok, welcome to the black parade” for a few weeks at the point when I decided to write a new story, and this become the image I began with, a character repeatedly muttering a statement about a My Chemical Romance song (which I must admit, at the time, I hadn’t even knowingly heard, i just knew the name).

My point is, that Verbal tic head could itself have expanded with multiple growths outward which followed the trains of why I came to be muttering that, how I had come into contact with the phrase, how I had experience in my practice of taking an arbitrary starting point to jump start a work, how I like the Becketian aspect of my tics which make language alien, how I like the repetition, how they connect in both directions of causality to anxiety (they are caused by stress, but they also draw attention to me) and so on and so on.

In closing, I think SBMM is a fantastic system, and its refreshing to try someone else’s system of diagrammatics, rather than my own which is utterly organic and chaotic (see pink diagrams, and the monkey-goth drawing at the end of this post which I drew to write the “ok, welcome to the black parade” narrative from). I’m currently prepping material to write the section of my thesis which is about diagrams, and Dean’s system is going to be in there, especially as it serves a very good bridge between the chaotic-code-switch which i employ for practice and the much more structure systems I use for written research such as the Digestion System.

#art #dean kenning #deleuze #diagrams #phd #research #drawing #science fiction #animals #horror #art research #art practice #uma breakdown

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myaekingheart · 5 years

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87. Open Water

If your love is just a dream, don't wake me up It's hard enough to face the world alone You are the one I waited for, I knew it all along (knew it all along) You are the one I'm fighting for, I knew it all along -Open Water, blessthefall

This was a terrible idea. Or maybe it was a brilliant idea that turned terrible. Either way, Rei was certain that the universe was out to get her. Somehow she always had a way of finding herself in the worst possible situations, ones that always hinged on her exact preoccupations as if manifested from her own obsessive thoughts. She sunk even deeper into the bath so that only her eyes and the top of her head were above the surface and wondered what could possibly kill her first: boiling or drowning.

When Mikazuki suggested a girl’s day, Rei found it incredibly difficult to refuse by virtue of Mikazuki’s demeanor. Ever since she and Tenzo had begun dating, she said she felt more and more out of touch with her friends. The trouble with dating a fellow ANBU, as Rei could surely attest to, was that you never truly escaped them. When you went to work, they were there. When you were off duty, they were there. There was no balance to it whatsoever. It was enough to drive even the most lovestricken person completely mad.

There was a sense of suffocation in Mikazuki’s tone when she asked, her peridot eyes darting around the locker room as if the slightest rejection was bound to send her over the edge. How could Rei possibly say no? On the way home, she tried to convince herself this was a good idea. Maybe this was what she truly needed anyway—a day with the girls to just sit back and relax and let the tension melt from her shoulders. And god, did she have so much tension.

As she made her way to the bath house, she thought of Kakashi. The longer she dwelled on how they ended things two weeks before, the more dissatisfied and bothered she became. Why couldn’t she just make a damn decision? Why didn’t she know what she wanted? But this was no concern of hers right now. Today was not the day to overanalyze. She was supposed to be relaxing. She shoved all of those thoughts out of her head as she slid open the front doors and stepped inside.

Yugao and Mikazuki were already there when Rei arrived, chatting casually in the women’s dressing room as they slipped out of their shirts and tossed their panties aside. Rei peeked her head in and waved, then scampered inside to join the ritual. The echoed voices of a few other women wafted from the bath on the other side of the wall.

“I’m really glad you were able to make it” Mikazuki smiled. “I really needed this.”

“No problem” Rei said, ripping her shirt off and tossing it haphazardly into one of the cubbies. “Besides, I could use some relaxation anyway.”

“It’ll feel great to ease my muscles” Yugao said, stretching her arms up over her head. “The cold weather always makes me so stiff.” Mikazuki and Rei nodded in agreement before approaching the bath.

The water was a warm relief, all of Rei’s tension disappearing the minute she made her descent. She settled in at the edge and rested her head on the ledge, closing her eyes and letting the steam defrost her face.

“So how are things going with you and Tenzo?” Yugao asked, tying her hair back as she dipped below the surface so only her shoulders and up were visible.

Mikazuki’s face reddened and she averted her eyes. “Things are going…well” she said.

“Uh oh” Yugao laughed. “You didn’t sound very confident there. Is everything alright?”

Nodding, Mikazuki replied, “Oh, yes, everything’s fine! I just…I’m still so new to all of this. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing. I don’t know…we’re still learning about each other, I guess.”

Yugao nodded. “That’s only natural this early in a relationship” she replied. A somber smile touched her lips. “I remember when Hayate and I first started dating. I was so clumsy! We would spar together all the time, but whenever he was near me, I would lose my footing and look like a total idiot!”

Mikazuki chuckled softly; Yugao’s reminiscing seemed to help ease the tension. “Do you think you’ll ever love someone as much as you loved him?” she asked.

Tracing the ripples in the water, Yugao shook her head. “No, I don’t think I ever will” she sighed. “He was my soulmate. Without him, I don’t even think I care to love again.”

“That’s so sad” Mikazuki frowned, brushing a stray strand of hair back behind her ear.

Their conversation faded out as Rei felt herself dozing off, the kinks in her shoulder muscles loosening. She had no idea how much time had passed, however, when she was snapped out of her daze by gasps and shrieks. When she opened her eyes, her head spun. None of this felt real.

Standing before her, almost entirely naked save for a towel wrapped around his waist, was none other than Kakashi Hatake.

He froze for a moment, his masked face reddening, before he chuckled nervously and waved at the air. “Uh…heh, wrong room” he said. One of the other women, rather stout and likely middle-aged, hurled a stool at his head and shrieked at him to get out, insisting he was a pervert. Truthfully, though, all he saw was Rei. They locked eyes and she felt her entire body ignite. This was too much. A yelp escaped her lips as she sunk even deeper into the bath and wondered what would kill her first: boiling or drowning.

The moment Kakashi escaped, he realized he hadn’t been breathing. He rubbed his eyes as he tossed his towel to the floor and slowly waded into the men’s bath. Hardly anyone else was there except for maybe one or two utterly disinterested young men. He sighed and tilted his head back, trying to get the image of her out of his brain. The look on her face left him paralyzed, that absolute panic and embarrassment. All he was after an afternoon to destress, to even hopefully get her out of his head, but now here he was certain he had ruined whatever chance he had left of being with her again. The hand of fate truly was far too cruel.

The women’s bath was silent for a solid three minutes before finally the stout, middle-aged woman spoke. “I have never in my life felt so violated!” she shouted, then proceeded to dump an entire bucket of water over her head. Her thin, graying hair adhered flatly against her skin. She seemed completely unphased by the waterfall she had loaded onto herself.

Yugao stared at the woman a moment before turning back to Rei and Mikazuki with a slight laugh. “I wonder what the hell that was about.”

“He must be following you” Mikazuki joked.

“What? No! Fuck off” Rei fired back. Her face was bright red and her heart refused to slow down. She wrapped her arms across her chest, both in an act of self-consciousness and in an attempt to keep her breasts submerged.

“I don’t know” Yugao replied lyrically. “It does seem like you two have been running into each other pretty often these days.”

“It’s not that often” Rei muttered. “It’s only been, like, three times…”

“In this week alone, right?” Yugao asked. Rei hated that she had a point. Through no fault of her own, her and Kakashi seemed to constantly find one another in the most random circumstances. She didn’t want to believe he was stalking her, but at this point she wondered if it was even a question. Or perhaps fate was just playing dirty tricks on her, constantly shoving him in her face for shits and giggles. The look of utter disdain on Rei’s face at least told Yugao everything she needed to know. “What is going on with you two, anyway?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” Rei rebuked.

“I mean are you two ever getting back together?” she asked. The question was so straightforward, it almost knocked the wind right out of Rei’s chest. “I only ask because it seems like no matter what either of you do, you always find your way back to each other. It’s honestly getting a little weird.”

“Maybe I should consult the cards!” Mikazuki exclaimed. A rare sense of frantic excitement crossed her face as she leapt to her feet, eager to make herself useful, but Rei protested enough for her to sit back down in defeat.

“Really, it’s nothing. I swear” Rei insisted. “Kakashi and I are just…incompatible. It’s not the right time, we’re not on the same page. It just wasn’t meant to be.” Yugao and Mikazuki blinked despondently, glancing to one another as if trying to discern whether they believed a word she said. And quite frankly, Rei didn’t even think she believed herself. The statements were fact and yet they sounded so unconvincing. As if they weren’t valid enough excuses.

Mikazuki pursed her lips and shook her head. “I really think the cards—” she started, but Rei interrupted her.

“I said it’s fine” she said, rather impatiently. Raking her fingers through her damp hair, she sighed and added, “Listen, I just really don’t want to talk about this right now, okay? Let’s just relax and forget this ever even happened.” Rei closed her eyes and rested her head against the edge of the bath again, trying to pretend she was weightless and invisible. In the back of her mind, however, all she could think about was how fucked up this all was. She could only keep this up for so long. Sooner or later she was going to have no choice but to confront the situation. Dive or ditch. If only she wasn’t really still in love with him.

The loud padding of footsteps echoed through the bath house then as the stout woman rose and made her way to the dressing room. Before she departed, however, she looked back at Rei and said, “If you don’t snag that man up quick, I’ll do it for you.” With an exasperated groan, Rei let herself fully sink beneath the water and this time, she really did want to drown.

Rei took the long way home, circling around corners and doubling back this way and that. Anything to keep herself from making a decision. The evening air was freezing and the sky overhead had grown dreary and thick with cloud coverage. There was only one logical thing left for her to do. Only one logical thing she could manage to do. She needed to talk with him. She just needed to knock on his front door and have a valuable, civilized discussion about all of this. Maybe once she stood her ground and verbally organized her thoughts, she could finally find a sense of peace in all of this. She created a set of talking points in her mind, running down the list ten times over to ensure she woudn’t trip over her words. She could not afford to fuck this up. With hands shaking at her sides, she ascended the stairs of the apartment complex and knocked on Kakashi’s door.

It would go so smoothly. He would answer and she would be diplomatic and upfront. The five seconds between the initial knock and the first turn of the doorknob felt endless, her heart rising in her throat. She needed to get this over with. She needed peace. She needed relief. And then there he was standing before her, his face tired and his hair sticking up in all directions. She froze, their gazes locked, and she could feel her entire body suddenly going numb. She had been so confident and determined on the way there, so sure of herself. Now she felt small and weak and terrified. Her eyes darted to every little part of him, surveying his wild hair, his eyes like black holes prepared to swallow her whole, his bare arms and the faintest outline of his abs beneath his shirt, his hand on the door frame. He looked at her expectantly and a sudden anxiety pulsed between them. She needed to speak, to say something and fast, or else the entire world was going to cave in and obliterate the both of them. Her fists clenched at her sides, her stomach tightening. Relentless fear.

Rei opened her mouth, expecting something eloquent and direct to spill out. Instead, all she could manage was a croaked, “I need you.” And then, her body moving on its own accord, she surged forward, ripped off his mask, and pressed her lips hard against his.

Kakashi stumbled backward, taken aback, but did not protest. Once the shock wore off, he fell into the rhythm of their kiss and for the first time in a year, it was as if he could finally, truly breathe. He tangled his fingers in her hair and kicked the door shut, their lips working ravenously together. “I was hoping you would come back. I always…hoped you would come back” he whispered whenever their lips parted enough for him to speak.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” she whimpered, cupping his face in her hands. She swayed on tiptoes, struggling with their height difference, before the frustration became too much. Kakashi lifted her up in his arms, hands beneath her ass, and spun on his heels toward the bed. She wrapped her legs around his waist and drew his face nearer, desperate to feel him. Her body was starving for him, screaming after a year of deprivation.

“I’ve missed you so much” Kakashi whispered, his breath against her neck. He nuzzled her cheek, pressed his lips against her jaw.

“I’m so fucking stupid” Rei said, and now the tears were threatening to fall. “I never should’ve left. I never stopped loving you.”

“I know” Kakashi replied. He cupped her cheek, wiped away a tear with his thumb. “It’s okay. I know.”

“I was such an idiot” Rei murmured. She buried her face in his neck, gripped at his shirt. Her voice was quivering and hoarse. “I’ve felt so dead…I’ve felt…I’ve felt so…broken…”

“You weren’t an idiot” Kakashi protested.

“I was an idiot” Rei insisted.

“You did what you needed to do” he replied. Every kiss was more desperate than the last, as if they were running out of time to exhibit the maximum amount of love toward one another.

Rei shook her head, planting kisses all over his face as tears streamed down her cheeks. “What I need is you.”

Kakashi pressed his forehead against hers and raked his fingers through her hair, effectively loosening her ponytail. “I’m right here…everything’s fine. Everything is going to be just fine.”

“I never should’ve left” she whispered, locking eyes with him. “I never should’ve left you.”

“You won’t have to. Never again” he whispered back, and there was a strong sense of determination in his eyes, a promise. “I’m never letting you go ever again. This is it now. You and me, from this point forward.”

Rei sniffled and nodded, her heart soaring, before pressing her lips against his again. Their mouths worked in tandem with one another as Kakashi sunk back onto the bed, breaking the kiss only to draw her shirt up over her head. The dreary sky cast a blue-gray haze across the room as they stripped down, bodies tangled together and lungs gasping for air. Nothing else mattered but him and her; his nails digging into her thighs, her mouth nibbling on his neck, his hips swerving to get deeper inside of her. Her body electrified at the feeling of him, his rhythmic motions and warm touch. His lips grazed her jawline, whispered in her ear, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He held her close as he climaxed, overflowing into her, and whispering her name as if it was a prayer. She snuggled close and drank in every moment here with him: his strong arms wrapped around her, his messy hair, that familiar scent. In the pit of her chest, a warm, rising feeling began to grow and she couldn’t fight the smile itching at her lips. This was it. The beginning of the rest of her life. She refused to know a future in which he was not by her side always. Inseparable, irrevocable. The vast expanse of the rest of the universe was laid out before them, full of promise and hope. They would hold hands and greet whatever came at them with open arms, the two of them against the world, because when they were together, there was nothing too big or too catastrophic that they couldn’t face.

Rei sniffled and turned to look out the window, a small smile touching her lips. She rested her hand on Kakashi’s forearm and whispered, “Look.” He craned his neck to follow her gaze, a gentle snowfall just beginning. “It’s the first snow of the season” she said. Kakashi nodded and kissed her freckled shoulder, then tugged the blanket up under their chins. He watched the snowfall idly as he ran his fingers across the contours of Rei’s body, tracing her hips and her collarbone and the slope of her nose. He felt as if he needed to keep touching her; as if should he detach himself for one second, she would disappear and prove this was all just a dream. But no, she was here and very real. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she nuzzled closer and drifted off to sleep and for the first time in a long while, she looked truly at peace. He brushed the hair out of her face and kissed the tip of his nose. She was finally back and all was right in the world.

#HAPPY CRYING !!!#kakashi hatake #rei natsuki #the scarecrow and the bell #naruto #naruto oc #fanfiction

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jessgartner · 5 years

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2019 Life Olympics

At the end of 2018, I was fried: emotionally, physically, financially. It had been a brutal year that took a huge toll on my health and home. I kept having these episodes where I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing so fast that I worried it would explode. My GERD was the worst it had ever been, I was head-cold sick more than not, and I was literally struggling to breathe. The past few years of work were catching up to me and my body was showing it. I was honestly starting to feel like I would certainly die of some stress-related disorder before I turned 40. And then one of my friends died from a heart-attack and I made the decision that some things had to change. My friends tease me that I only do things in my personal life when they benefit Allovue and in many ways, this was true here, too. I realized last year that I wanted to do this work for a long time to come. And I realized that my life's work would be cut pretty short if I killed myself from stress before I turned 35. When I shared this with my exec coach as well as how past attempts to prioritize my health had always fallen by the wayside she said, "Well. I think you're just going to have to make up your mind to... do it." So I did it.

This year was all about getting my body, mind, and heart in a place that allows me to do work that I care about for the rest of my life if I want to (and ensuring that the "rest of my life" is actually a good long time). 2019 was about setting boundaries on my time and energy so that I could be a fully-functioning whole healthy person. And it turned out that in a year in which my general mantra was to "do less" (no more setting +30 annuals goals and working myself into a stress-addled mess), my life felt the fullest. Here we go:

2019 Life Olympics Recap

Career - Gold

Please try not to laugh at my extremely "duh" realization that the more I took care of myself, the more the company thrived. My exec coach deemed my transition from December 2018 to January 2019 a "DOS to Windows" level upgrade in my general approach to business strategy. In no small part, this is because we were raising money and it's just a little easier to feel confident with $4M in fresh funding in the bank. But I took that gasoline and poured fire on it - unleashing ideas and plans and ambitions that I had been holding back on for years. One Board member asked me in December, "Do you want to be a large chicken or do you want to be a 10-ft tall murder bird?"

Let's not psychoanalyze this too much but for some reason this image really resonated with me and I spent the better part of this year channeling this vibrant Cassowary:

Don't ask me why, but it worked. Allovue had a banner year and we're on track to fulfilling a vision that I have been working towards for 7 nearly years.

Sharply juxtaposed with my murder bird imagery, it's worth mentioning another consequence from this year of being a whole person: I was kinder. It turns out that sleep and exercise and proper nutrition increase your capacity for patience and kindness, too. I made more time for people and I felt less reactive. I was able to process setbacks more quickly and productively. I had energy for more team outings. I started doing weekly CEO Chats where I spend 30 minutes 1:1 with every member of the company. It's my favorite part of the week. I even noticed this in small ways, like having the energy to make friendly conversation with Lyft drivers. Being too tired to be friendly is a state of being that I plan I leave in the dust of this decade.

Lastly, this year I felt like I led the company with the most love. Love for the work, love for our team, and love for our partners. While there are many forces and headlines in this capitalist world that may lead you to believe that love and success are incompatible, I humbly, flatly disagree. Leading from a place of love and kindness is the only way that feels right to me. And if the past few years have taught me anything about business: if it feels right, it is right. They don't call it the golden rule for nothin'.

Home - Silver

This was a tricky one! First: there were no catastrophes this year! After 2018's cascade of house-related disasters (ceiling caving in! flood! awful tenants! roof leaks!) I was hoping the gods of hearth and home would leave me alone this year. As a peace offering, I gave my bedroom a little makeover and finalized my will. For good measure, I cleaned up my backyard and built a little porch. And my property manager has been an actual gift from the heavens. All was quiet on the homefront this year.

But, um. Finance is also in this category. And on matters of personal finance this year? Well, this was an area of my life considerably devoid of boundaries. Dinners, drinks, wine clubs, concerts, personal training, specialists, massages, travel, shopping, new hobbies, home improvements - I did it all. I was a pure hedonist this whole year, as you probably already know if you follow me on Instagram. So why did this spending spree year not plunge me into the depths of "Did Not Place"? Because I believe in balance in all things. Since starting Allovue, I've been very scrappy. In the first year of Allovue, my gross income was $9K. The following year, it was about $20K. It's risen to more livable wages over the past 5 years, but I've still been at-times frugal to a fault. So this year, I let loose a little. I indulged. I explored. I released myself from fretting about whether I should splurge the extra $4 on the meal I really wanted. I tipped very generously. I had a LOT of fun. But I still did all of this within my means, so it's not as though I drove myself into debt on fancy dinners. I had many wonderful experiences this year and no regrets about a year of limited saving. Next year, though, is going to be a year of saving and mostly free fun. I already canceled the wine club memberships.

Health - Gold

GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD. I've never given myself Gold in this category before! I'm actually tearing up a little bit right now because it took me 10 years of working at this entirely self-constructed, self-imposed framework for adult living to feel like I did a good job taking care of my own physical health but I did it and I feel great. I had so much help, though! I worked with an allergist who helped with my persistent colds (non-allergic rhinitis from years of not treating my allergies effectively)

and

GERD (apparently sinus health is closely connected with digestive health). I worked with a personal trainer to help me learn more about strength training and increased my muscle mass by about 5%. I worked with a nutritionist who helped me identify food triggers and get rid of the GERD entirely and get off all the prescription meds I had been using to treat it. I started working with a therapist to take care of my mental health. I increased my physical activity by 250% and had the most consistent year of exercise ever. I slept well. I took vacations and breaks when I needed them. I reduced my sugar intake. I learned about protein! I figured out the daily breakdown of fat, protein, and carbs that makes me feel best. And perhaps most importantly, I didn't allow my energy to be drained by things that I had no power over. There is really something to that serenity prayer and I can't overstate the benefit to physical and mental health by learning to recognize the things that are out of my control and letting that shit go.

So this was a categorical improvement for me this year, but there is still a lot of work I need to do in the next decade on my body image. It's hard for me to admit this but I think it's important to be honest about challenges as much as celebrating successes. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled mightily with body dysmorphia, disordered eating, and general body image. At times, I have starved myself on as little as 800-calories a day; I have tried every fast, juice-cleanse, colon-cleanse, fad diet, and magic pill on the market. The negative self-talk is constant and vicious; I often wonder what on earth I could accomplish if I ever managed to free up all that mental energy. I have a near-phobia of taking pictures because I am so paranoid about how I will look. I have a complicated relationship with mirrors. I have extreme anxiety about bread. In the summer of 2016 I contracted a food-borne illness on vacation and couldn't eat or drink much of anything without vomiting for two months. I had a parasite and it was the best I had ever felt about my body.

I'm not utterly lacking in self-confidence: I have confidence in my ideas, my ability to solve problems, my judgment, my ability to love, and my capacity for creativity. But I live in a world that constantly reminds me that what's in a woman's head doesn't count for much if we can't count her abs. I have been thus far unsuccessful at squelching that narrative internally. For a while, I was under the impression that this was just a narrative of immaturity. I imagined that when I turned 30, I would suddenly be very wise and self-accepting. When that didn't happen, the body-hate somehow intensified instead: How are you over 30 and still obsessing over this? Why can't you let this go?

This is a work in progress and something I'm going to prioritize with my therapist and nutritionist in 2020. My goal is to someday be able to look in the mirror or at a picture of myself and feel proud. Please do not interpret this as an invitation to tell me that I look good or that you think I'm thin or pretty or whatever. It is not invited and it will not help. I do not need any external validation on these matters; this is an inside job. I don't feel comfortable sharing all of this, but if there's anyone else out there who always feels like they are 10, 15, or 100 pounds away from happiness, know that you are not alone.

Soul - Gold

Picking up the thread on spending, you can see that I really enjoyed myself this year. I indulged in everything that brings me pleasure and joy this year: delicious gastronomic experiences; travel to Cancun, London, Amsterdam, Vancouver, Miami, and Tulum; concerts; plays; museums; singing. I felt creatively on fire this year and attribute a good chunk of that to surrounding myself with creative energy at every occasion. I also rediscovered a love of camping this year. I bought some new gear and enjoyed several camping trips around Maryland before it got too cold this Fall. My only failing/complaint in this category is that I had a lackluster and uninspired year of reading and writing. I think it was offset enough by my other creative experiences but I do want to reprioritize reading again next year.

Relationships - Gold

I know this category is the only one you care about and that's why I save it for last. Hopefully, I tricked you into caring about the rest of my life, but if you skipped to the end I'll forgive you. As many of you know, this year I took a big hiatus from dating. I quietly started my hiatus around September of 2018 and broke my hiatus in August 2019 when I met someone in real life who I actually wanted to go out with. Probably because I was fried in other realms in my life, I was beyond exhausted with dating last year. It became something I completely dreaded and I decided I needed a long hard break from trying. Did it work? Yes. Better than I imagined.

Up until hiatus, dating felt like something I needed to do to fill a missing part of my life or myself. I was operating from a deficit standpoint. I felt like lots of things in my life were great but my singleness represented some hole or flaw that needed correcting. As a result, the act of dating felt extremely high stakes and I always felt anxious and insecure about it. Giving myself the freedom to not care or not try at all was truly liberating. Suddenly, I was not worried about reserving time and space in my life for something or someone that may or may not materialize. I made plans with friends, I went on trips, and I planned my evenings and weekends with zero regards to men who may or may not commit to plans; who may or may not cancel at the last moment. My life felt instantly larger. Time and space just expanded. Instead of feeling like a restriction, my world opened up. I spent so much time with friends this year. And did I mention how much fun I had? I also made more time for my parents and enjoyed trips and concerts and other activities with them, too.

I'm dating again but it feels completely different now. I learned that my life and my heart are already full. Nothing at all is missing or broken. Now dating is a value-add activity only and that is a completely different game - one that doesn't make me feel anxious at all. I also learned to expand my definition of love this year. All the romantic rhetoric about finding "the one" or finding love "at last" or "saving love" are really... limiting. Taking romantic love off the table for a year allowed me to receive and give love in so many other ways: friend love, parental love, coworker love, self-love, city love, etc. In a year that I thought would require an absence of love, I actually experienced the greatest abundance of love. My definition of love had been narrow; I was being far too precious about it. As I expanded my definition, I experienced love and gave it more abundantly. So I guess it's true what they say: you find love when you stop looking for it - it just looks and feels differently than I expected.

2020

So that's a wrap on 10 years of the Life Olympics! Next year, I am planning to bring lots of energy inspired by Baby Yoda and Moira Rose. My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping "in-tent" to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

When I started working with the nutritionist she gave me a list about "Mindful Eating" which I scoffed at for having tips like "Chew your food" but decided to try anyway. As it turns out, I was not really chewing my food at all, so much as just quickly and eagerly swallowing whole bites - much like the rest of my life. In 2020, instead of swallowing life whole, I'll learn to chew it.

#lifeolympics

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