#is one of the single dramas that has most thoroughly stuck in my mind years later and which has to be seen and experienced by anyone

[sunlit-squid]

How about “Holy crap, I thought you were dead! Never do that to me again!” for the prompt?

For those who don’t know, my ask box is open. Send me a simping softness prompt, and I’ll write a short sbsp ficlet for you. ✰

i’m back on my bullshit. if you wanna read this ficlet on ao3, the link is here. otherwise, ficlet under the cut!

also tagging @wowthwtslame, who requested the same prompt a while ago. thank you!

In the dead of night, while everyone was asleep, winter descended on Bikini Bottom.

By the time Squidward woke up and peered out the window, Conch Street was completely covered in glittering white snow. In fact, the wintry landscape stretched so far, there was hardly a speckle of sand left -- just deep, undisturbed snow for miles on end.

Squidward vaguely remembered falling asleep to the late night news, in the middle of a special weather report. What was it Perch Perkins said? “6 to 7 inches of snow overnight?” Fishpaste. That was going to be a lot of snow to clear up before work Monday morning.

But for now … it was Sunday. And Sunday meant no Krusty Krab, no rowdy customers, and -- perhaps best of all -- no Spongebob. Squidward sighed dreamily. Yes. Today, he would stay in, and tomorrow, he would worry about the snow.

-0-

The setup was perfect: soothing herbal tea, a box full of bonbons, and a romantic drama on the television. Squidward had donned his softest, silkiest robe for the occasion, and was just settling onto the couch -- when there was a loud, forceful knock at the door. The octopus groaned. There was only one person who would be willing to come over in this weather…

Sure enough, a few moments later, Spongebob’s high-pitched voice echoed all throughout the once-serene moai: “Heeeeey, Squidwaaaard!” The loud, forceful knocking began anew, drowning out Squidward’s TV entirely.

Annoyed, the octopus pressed pause on his romantic drama, and trudged angrily over to the door. Flinging it open with all the force he could muster, Squidward readied himself for a scream -- but was instead startled by the faces on his doorstep.

Spongebob was there, of course -- but he was accompanied by Patrick and Sandy, too. All three of them were dressed in wintry ski gear, looking bright and chipper as ever. Spongebob, however, looked oddly flushed, a soft shade of red dusting his yellow cheeks. Perhaps he was cold.

“Howdy, Squidward!” greeted Sandy, waving her gloved hand enthusiastically. “We were just about to head to Sand Mountain for some skiin’, and thought ya might want to tag along.”

“Yeah, come with us, Squidward!” Patrick chimed in. “Spongebob reeeaaaaally wants you to -- oof!”

There was some indiscernible movement behind Spongebob, which made Patrick double over in pain. Sandy, however, continued to smile, a bit forcefully now. Pushing Spongebob forward, the squirrel continued, “Anyway, whaddaya say, Squidward?”

Squidward blinked. This was weird. For one, the trio at his doorstep seemed oddly tense. And for two, Squidward was not a good skier. Or a skier at all, really. The last time he skied at Sand Mountain, nearly a year ago, had been an accident -- Spongebob lost control of his skis, and barreled directly into Squidward (who, mind you, wasn’t even skiing, just spectating). The force of the collision carried both of them across the mountain, and into the icy waters beyond.

After that incident, they both got a nasty cold, which lasted for nearly two weeks. During that time, Spongebob insisted on coming over frequently, just to hang out. I’m so sick, I can’t hang out with anyone else! the sponge explained. But you’re sick too, Squidward, so let’s get better together, okay?

It was the worst two weeks of Squidward’s life -- never mind that Spongebob cooked good meals and watched the same shows and looked really cute in his sleep…

Wait. No. No.

“No,” snapped Squidward, moving to close his door. “Absolutely not.”

Before the door could close completely, however, Spongebob stepped forward, wedging himself in the doorway. “But Squiiidward,” the sponge whined, pouting beautifully. His brilliant blue eyes shimmered in the mid-morning sun. “I wanna hang out with you today!”

The octopus froze, heat rising to his cheeks. With a deep breath, Squidward yelled, “I am not going, and that is final!” before slamming the door in their faces.

-0-

Somehow, some way -- Squidward wound up in the backseat of Sandy’s newly-invented wintermobile, trudging through the snow-packed streets of Bikini Bottom. Spongebob was seated right next to him, singing along to a cheery Christmas song on the radio. Patrick, in the passenger seat, was singing too, but it was clear he didn’t know the words at all.

The octopus scowled. How did this happen?

It was Spongebob’s fault, no doubt. One moment, Squidward was lounging on the couch -- and the next, he was rummaging around the closet, searching for his winter gear. Something about Spongebob’s words -- I wanna hang out with you today! -- made the octopus feel stupid, loopy, and warm.

Squidward was no stranger to loneliness. It was his oldest friend, his most constant companion, and the octopus was … okay with that. Content, even. But Spongebob Squarepants, with his stupid smile and pretty blue eyes and cute face, just had to go and ruin it, every time. Squidward, you wanna watch a movie? Squidward, you wanna go to the park? Squidward, you wanna try out this new cookie recipe? And despite Squidward’s better judgment … whether due to loneliness, or boredom, or what have you … he would say yes, every time.

This was one of those times.

“Hey, hey,” Spongebob whispered, interrupting Squidward’s thoughts. “I’m glad you changed your mind. I always have more fun with you around, Squidward.”

Squidward blushed furiously, folding his arms across his chest. “Don’t read into it. I just thought it would be good to get out of the house.”

“Oh, it will be! And I practiced some cool tricks,” said the sponge, waving his arms around erratically. “I wanna show them to you, okay?”

Squidward smirked. “If you get hurt, I’ll just point and laugh.”

Spongebob stuck out his bottom lip, in an adorable pout. “I won’t get hurt. I’m an expert!”

“Uh-huh,” said Squidward dryly. “I bet you are.”

Spongebob ignored that snarky remark, and instead moved on to talk about the different tricks he had learned. All the while, Squidward’s gaze lingered on the poriferan’s face: the way it lit up, the way it radiated warmth. On occasion, the octopus would glance up to find Patrick and Sandy eyeing them through the rearview mirror. Whenever they were caught, however, the starfish and the squirrel would immediately look away, whistling awkwardly.

What was up with them?

-0-

When they finally got to Sand Mountain, it was apparent they weren’t the only ones who thought of skiing that day. A decent crowd of Bikini Bottomites had gathered at the mountain, either skiing or talking or drinking hot cocoa from a nearby stand. Some children had even gathered at the base of the mountain, caught up in an intense snowball fight. In all, there was a joyous vibe in the air, the unique, special sort that only comes with very heavy snowfall.

Hurriedly, the four of them piled out of Sandy’s wintermobile, and headed for the slopes. After getting their gear and equipment all squared away, Patrick and Sandy turned to Spongebob and Squidward, with strained, too-wide smiles.

“Well, uh -- Patrick and I are gonna test out the new challenge course on the other side o’ the mountain,” said Sandy, nervously readjusting her ski goggles, which for some reason were strapped around her helmet. “So, uh -- we’ll meet up with y’all in a bit, alright?”

Squidward blinked in confusion. “Why can’t we just go with you -- ?”

“Uh, bye, Spongeward! I mean, Squidbob! I mean … uh …,” sputtered Patrick, as Sandy hurriedly dragged him away -- in the wrong direction, Squidward noted.

“What’s up with them?” asked the octopus, vaguely gesturing to Sandy and Patrick, who were slowly disappearing from sight.

Spongebob laughed, a little too loudly. “Oh, don’t worry about them -- it’s -- uh. They’re, uh. Dating,” stammered the sponge, awkwardly. “They’re just, like, super shy about it.”

Squidward did not believe that for one single second. “Spongebob, what is going on?”

Before Spongebob could reply, the poriferan was swept up by two strong, muscly red arms, tossing him in the air and catching him again. “Spongebob Squarepants!” exclaimed Larry, towering over Squidward in that intimidating way of his. “Buddy, you ready to hit those slopes?”

Spongebob giggled as he was tossed in the air. “I sure am!”

When Larry finally caught sight of Squidward standing there, the lobster laughed loudly. “Oh, Squidward’s here! Good!” said Larry, with a huge grin on his face. “You know, Spongebob has some real cool tricks up his sleeve. He’s been practicing a lot just to impress --”

“AAAH!” yelled Spongebob, for seemingly no reason, startling both Squidward and Larry. After a few seconds, the poriferan laughed nervously, and sputtered, “Oh, uh, sorry, just -- getting all my screams out now, while I can. What were you saying, Larry?”

Larry blinked in confusion. “Well, I was saying, that you’ve been practicing real hard to impress --”

“AAAAH!” screamed Spongebob, louder this time.

“To impress --”

“AAAAAAAAH!” yelled the sponge, once more. This time, the scream was so loud, a pile of snow came rolling off the peak of Sand Mountain, and onto some Bikini Bottomites down below. In the distance, someone screamed something about a leg.

Larry stopped talking. Sighing, he put Spongebob down and said, “Look, why don’t we just … head to the slope, alright?”

Spongebob nodded, seemingly all out of screams. “Okie-doke!”

Quietly, the lobster and the sponge began making their way over to Mariana Course, notably the hardest slope at Sand Mountain. Squidward followed close behind them, thoroughly baffled. Sure, Spongebob was hyperactive, energetic, and borderline insane, but this … this was something entirely different. Spongebob seemed nervous, to the point of genuine distress, and Squidward for the life of him couldn’t figure out why.

Impulsively, the octopus reached out to pull Spongebob back, so they were both walking a few paces behind Larry. “You know, you don’t have to do this course if you’re nervous about it,” the octopus mumbled, keeping his voice low so the lobster wouldn’t overhear. “I mean, it’s not like I care or anything, in fact it would be funny if you, uh, got hurt or whatever, but … the Mariana Course is kind of … questionable, you know?”

By ‘questionable’, Squidward meant damn near fatal. The Mariana Course wasn’t even an official part of Sand Mountain, until the Drasticals broke it in by force. Its rocky, hazardous terrain practically financed the new wing of the Bikini Bottom General Hospital.

Spongebob, however, seemed determined. “Trust me, Squidward, I’ve got it all under control!” he chirped. Then, with a small, cute chuckle, the sponge asked, “Why? Are you worried about me?”

Squidward felt hot, all of a sudden. The octopus stormed ahead, warmth clinging to his cheeks. “Let’s just get this over with!”

Behind him, Spongebob giggled. “Whatever you say, Squiddy.”

-0-

Squidward had to admit, Spongebob had definitely been practicing. From his spot on the observer’s loft, the octopus could see everything on the Mariana Course: from the brambling bushes to the sharp, jagged rocks, to the slippery snow drifts down below. One by one, Spongebob maneuvered through them all, with grace, aplomb -- even a touch of arrogance.

Spongebob’s tricks were plentiful, and occasionally scary: at one point, the sponge was suspended high in the air, doing crazy flips and turns, all while his skis raced ahead of him. Squidward was worried, for a moment, that the skis would outpace Spongebob -- but somehow, the poriferan managed to land perfectly, right atop both of them, once again.

Squidward found himself sighing, dreamily. Sure, Spongebob was annoying ninety percent of the time, but the boy was also weirdly athletic … which had a certain, insufferable charm to it.

“Hey, Squidward,” came Larry’s voice. Squidward jumped slightly -- he’d honestly forgotten the lobster was still around. When Squidward turned, Larry was approaching with two mugs of hot cocoa in both claws. Gently, he handed one to Squidward, who accepted it gratefully. “Drink while it’s hot.”

“Thanks,” said Squidward. The warmth of the mug felt lovely, especially in the bitter cold.

Larry and Squidward sat in silence, watching Spongebob traverse the Mariana Course, for a while -- sipping their cocoa and occasionally gasping at the sponge’s antics. The cocoa was delicious, the perfect soothing drink for a day on the slopes. After a lengthy, peaceful silence, Larry finally spoke up.

“Spongebob really likes you, you know,” said the lobster, finishing the last of his cocoa.

Squidward froze -- and it had nothing to do with the cold temperatures. Wrapping his tentacles around the mug, Squidward sifted around his brain for a good reply. Coming up empty, the octopus simply said, “Yeah. He’s made that pretty clear.”

Larry shifted, leaning on the railing in front of them. “You know, he … asked me to teach him some of those tricks. To cheer you up.”

Squidward turned now, eyes fixed on Larry. “What?” he said, stupidly.

The lobster shrugged. “I don’t really know the details,” Larry sighed. “All I know is, Spongebob thought you seemed sadder lately. And he wanted to try and make you feel better.”

Squidward felt both hot and cold, all of a sudden. In truth … he had fallen into a bit of a depression lately. Over the course of one month, Squidward’s creative pursuits hit a new, staggering low: another one of his scripts had been rejected by the Bikini Bottom Art Society; he was laughed out of the auditions for the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic; and, to top it all off, Squilliam had just premiered a groundbreaking musical in New Kelp City.

Already, the reviews were in: once more, Squilliam was rocking the oceanic world … and Squidward was still just a cashier.

Squidward thought that because he was usually depressed anyway, no one would notice if he was … slightly-more-depressed than usual. But apparently, someone had. And apparently …

“Dear Neptune!” Larry’s sudden, loud voice rocketed Squidward out of his thoughts.

“What? What’s going on?” asked Squidward, looking around frantically -- until he saw it. A tiny yellow body, near the edge of the Mariana Course, lying still, so perfectly still.

-0-

Quickly, Larry and Squidward stole a snowmobile from the mountain staff, and hurriedly rushed towards Spongebob’s tiny, unmoving body. On the way, the lobster explained what happened: Spongebob had been in the middle of one of his stunts. Everything was going perfectly fine, until he had to land on his skis again. The back of Spongebob’s coat got stuck on a kelp branch, which flung him to the edge of the Mariana Course. He landed on sharp, jagged rocks, and from then on, did not move.

Squidward felt a pit opening up inside his stomach. Dear, blessed Neptune and Poseidon. Let him be okay.

When they finally reached the cluster of sharp, jagged rocks, Squidward could hardly believe his eyes. Lying perfectly still, eyes closed, barely breathing, was Spongebob Squarepants, a massive, sharp rock jutted straight through his chest. Behind him, Larry threw up in the woods.

After he recovered, Larry sputtered out, “We should -- we should try to move him … I don’t know a lot about sponge anatomy, but if he stays like that, he’ll regenerate around it … and that’ll make things complicated for the docs … ”

Squidward was already moving. The octopus used his tentacles to carefully maneuver his way around the sharp crevices. When he finally reached Spongebob, the cephalopod shivered with fright. It was bad. The sharp rock wasn’t very long, but it was long enough to look horrific, especially embedded inside of Spongebob’s tiny body.

“Sponge … Spongebob?” croaked Squidward, a flood of anxiety washing over him.

There was no response -- only silence, terrible silence, where Spongebob’s sharp, jittering laugh should be. Squidward felt cold. He did this for me. To make me happy. Me.

“Damn it,” muttered Squidward. Before he knew it, he was crying, large globs of tears streaming down his face. “Why? Why are you like this? Just to make me happy … are you an idiot?”

Suddenly, there was a claw on Squidward’s shoulder. Looking up, he saw that Larry was there, quiet yet firm. Carefully, the lobster latched onto Spongebob, and gently pulled the boy off of the jagged edge. Squidward’s eyes were locked on the rock where Spongebob once was for a moment too long. Then, he carefully made his way out of the jagged rock pile.

Larry had laid Spongebob down in the snow, just beyond the pit of rocks. The gaping hole left in the sponge’s body was terrifying to look at, so open and hollow and wide.

“Medics are coming,” said Larry, with a cough. “But since it’s a sponge, they might take longer … you know, because they --”

“Regenerate,” finished Squidward, kneeling down next to Spongebob’s cold, still form. “He’s not regenerating right now … is that bad?”

“Give it a moment,” breathed Larry, going to grab a blanket from off of the snowmobile. “Kid fell hard. It might be a while.”

Larry returned, blanket in tow, and wrapped it all over Spongebob’s body. Then, he stood, and they all made their way back to the nearby lodge, quiet as can be.

-0-

When they got back to the warmth of the lodge, they laid Spongebob down on a couch in the lobby. Larry draped the blanket over Spongebob once again, to try and hide his wounds as he recovered. Now, only the top of him was visible, his yellow nose just barely peeking out.

This way, Squidward could almost trick himself into thinking the sponge was asleep. With that soft, cute smile, those fluttering eyelashes … yes. Spongebob was just sleeping, and soon, he would wake up, and laugh, and all would be right with the world.

As time passed, several Bikini Bottomites came through, to ask what happened. Larry explained carefully, since Squidward could hardly bring himself to speak. At some point, Patrick and Sandy showed up too, looking equally devastated, Sandy muttering something about I knew this idea was plumb awful, why didn’t I trust my gut …

All the while, Squidward held Spongebob’s squeaky little hand, and did not let go for a second -- even when the medics finally arrived. By then, things looked good: Spongebob was regenerating normally. But he still hadn’t woken up yet.

When the medics left, Squidward almost fell asleep holding onto Spongebob’s hand. That’s when Sandy showed up, right beside him.

“Hey,” she said. Her tone was friendly, but her concern was clear.

“Hey,” said Squidward, giving Spongebob’s hand a gentle squeeze.

Sandy hesitated for a while. Then, with blunt simplicity, she said, “I think he could make ya happy, Squidward. If ya let him.”

A funny feeling settled in the pit of Squidward’s stomach. Looking down at Spongebob’s resting, peaceful face, the octopus replied, “But what if I hurt him?”

The squirrel shrugged. “If you’re already worried about it, I’d say that ain’t gonna happen.”

Squidward found himself smiling, despite himself. “Thanks, Sandy.”

She shook her head, laughing to herself. “Don’t mention it,” she said. “Just tired o’ watching y’all play hard to get, is all.”

-0-

At some point, Larry, Patrick, and Sandy went to grab food, in case Spongebob woke up and needed sustenance … leaving Squidward to man the helm. Come nightfall, the sponge finally stirred.

Immediately, Squidward sat up -- just as Spongebob sat up, too, rubbing at his eyes with his free hand. Then, he laughed -- thank Neptune for that laugh -- and turned to face Squidward, enthusiastically.

“Did you see that cool trick I did --” the sponge began, but was interrupted by Squidward, enveloping him in a huge, crushing hug.

“Holy crap, I thought you were dead! Never do that to me again!” cried the octopus, shaking and shuddering with tears. “You absolute idiot.”

Spongebob, caught off guard, simply held Squidward closer. “You know I regenerate,” said the sponge, slightly muffled by Squidward’s shoulder.

“You were impaled, Spongebob --”

“I was? That’s crazy --”

“Spongebob,” said Squidward, firmly, pulling away from the embrace. Awkwardly, the octopus looked down, sighing heavily. “Look, you … you don’t have to go to extreme lengths just to make me happy.”

Spongebob blinked, then blushed. “Who told you --”

“It doesn’t matter,” interrupted Squidward, whose face had erupted in bright splotches of red. “Just -- just be around me, alright? That’s all you gotta do, is be around me, and suddenly I’m all … stupid, and happy or whatever. Whatever! Alright? You don’t have to do … all of this.” Squidward gestured vaguely to the lodge, and the ski courses beyond.

It was Spongebob’s turn to be red in the face. “That’s … it? That’s all I have to do?”

Squidward sighed, and before he knew what he was doing, pressed a soft, chaste kiss atop Spongebob’s head. “That’s all you’ve ever had to do.”

“Aww,” came a loud voice from directly behind them. When they turned, they found Patrick, Larry, and Sandy in the doorway, holding a bunch of bags from the Barg’N Mart. Patrick was clapping, and in the process dropped the majority of his grocery bags. “Great job, buddy! Mission accomplished!” shouted the seastar, proudly.

Squidward dropped his head into his tentacles. “I hate all of you,” he muttered, despite the small smile curling across his lips.

[rinharu-purple]

Mr. Love MC’s Choice: Gavin

We fellow producers all have our favorite LI in the game for whom we save our gems and dates, replay their chapters over and over again, sucking our bank accounts dry during the process. And that’s what makes this game so fun! However in my opinion MC’s personal choice is Gavin. I will try to explain it as thoroughly as possible in this post. Obviously they are only my personal opinions at the end of the day so please don’t freak out if you beg to differ ^_^

There are spoilers ahead and this post is a long one, you were warned!

A big, warm hug and grandious thanks to @smallersocksx​ for proof reading so fast and sharing her ideas! <3  </p>

Up until now, I’ve always analyzed ships in subtopics, so this time won’t be any different so I will just dive right into it:

Body Language

The law of attraction between two people in a romantic way has some thumb rules, one of them is that when you like someone then you try to touch them at every opportunity. From all of our LI’s Gavin is by far the one with the most body contact to the MC (The main story only atm, I will come to his dates in a minute ;)). I think the anime speaks for itself, in every single Gavin episode and some of other LI’s episodes (ahem…ep 10 but also ep 11…ahem) Gavin and MC are always in an embrace or a meaningful “hands-on” moment…In the game MC and Gavin are quite often touchy with each other, MC seems to not holding her hands back every time she feels like Gavin’s hurt and reflexively touches him, she is also highly concerned about his hair since every time his hair get messed up by the wind, rain or hormones (swh ;)), MC doesn’t waste any second before correcting his hair. Every reunion they have results in MC reaching out her hands towards Gavin and surprisingly never other way around. Even in a perillious moment in chapter 22 when Gavin goes completely wild and unleashes his “beast-self” the first thing MC wants to do is embrace him. In chapter 24, at the very end among all routes, MC only tells Gavin that she’s missed him and hugs him. Chapter 27...again MC wants to check Gavins body for injuries and tends to them the second they are alone in a closed room. They both yearn for each other’s touch all the way, no matter in which narrative.

If I were to start counting Gavin’s touchy touchy moments on the other hand, then we have to prepare a 4 volumes encyclopedia because that male individual is all about touching MC. Another hint for their closeness is that MC makes notes on Gavin’s scent quite often, mostly related to his jacket or his embrace and while doing it, she always uses adjectives like “clean”, “distinct” or “unique”. Again in ch. 15 she knows its Gavin standing behind her even without looking, because she senses his scent: “A scent that I’d recognize anywhere”. Surely there are many scenes, where MC holds hands with another LI or makes a remark of their scent, but they are not at the intensity or frequency level that of Gavin’s.

       2. The Setting

All four LI’s are representing a certain archetypes women are usually attracted to:

Kiro is a pop idol (target audience 13-15)

Victor is the young successful businessman with a high dominant demeanour and Mr. Grey-ish attitude (target audience 25 upwards or any 50 shades of Grey reader)

Lucien is a young attractive professor with a mysterious and enigmatic vibe (target audience 20-24)

Gavin is the misunderstood bad boy (high school) and later a righteous police officer (16-19 for the bad boy Gavin and 20 upwards for the righteous police officer, special agent, military commander... a pilot?! anything including a uniform fetish)

So, in the game, Elex could take any of these paths and develop it in a way that the chosen path becomes a true love story. I gotta admit, Victor’s story comes at times very close to being one. However, his never-ending bickering and belittling in his 90% of the time cold demeanour just make him lose major points. Plus, MC mostly goes along with Victor’s tone, even though she is a kind and friendly person, she bickers with Victor not because that’s her personality but because that’s the way she can cope with him. If only he were a little bit less domineering.. Which is why I never feel like MC and Victor would belong together irl. 

Seemingly Elex and Mappa take Gavin’s way imo. Because… 

In the main story MC loves all of the LIs in a different way and also has romantic feelings to each one of them to a certain degree, but when we look at it closely and read in between the lines of MC’s thoughts Gavin is a little bit more romantically portrayed than the other guys. 

           a) First of all Gavin had a crush on MC during high school cannonically: Even though Gavin only says that it was a farewell letter, MC says once that she wishes that she could’ve read that “love letter”.  I will stop here with Gavin’s feelings because this post focuses on MC. 

           b) MC, too, was kinda into Gavin during high school because in Episode 18, when she goes to Loveland Hugh during her farewell tour before going with her ultimate sacrifice , she remembers Gavin in intimate things like “watching his athletic body” or “wearing men’s clothes-meaning his-”. Additionally she remembers taking note of his face shining in the sun in the very back of the line during her recital. Even before it all she was specifically interested in him. Her memories with the other LI s are comprised of rather friendly moments like flying kites together but when it comes to Gavin she once again thinks about more intimate elements. Not to mention that the game gives MC a farewell with Gavin. In her final moments she only thinks that for Gavin her grievance would be the hardest. In the End of the Abyss era (ch. 15-18) MC meets all of the LIs after their changes again and reacts to all of them with joy…surely, but only when she sees Gavin hovering above her in the helicopter it is again…drum roll…drama: “The next second I saw a pair of amber eyes…shining like brilliant skies” this girl is always romanticizing Gavin.

“-Can you hear me?

-Can you see me?

-See my heart pounding again at the sight of you?” (so are you saying that your heart wasn’t pounding before? oh ok ;))

Fast forward to CH34 where MC fights Leto for the final time and remembers our guys and again, while she remembers other LIs for their sacrifices and their protection of her, she remembers Gavin's warm arms...

           c)The game takes his time and turns the half of a whole chapter into a date in chapter15 Ep 1-9. There is no other chapter in the game where MC spends time with any of the other LI’s in which there is only the two of them, whereas nothing relevant to the main story happens and they share solely many sweet, romantic and almost hot (when MC tries to dry Gavin’s face in her flat and realizes that she stands way too close to him, she then prepares herself to say something, but gets interrupted by the alarm) and again, MC is getting close to Gavin, not the other way around like Lucien pushing MC against the blackboard, that little sneaky Lucien (actually I could write a post with a masterlist of Lucien’s advances to MC:D).

           d) MC’s premonitions revolve mostly around Gavin (when they are not about the whole world or the black queen). Her dream about the rooftop rescue, her Room 404 dream, her daydream in the office in 6-13 in which Gavin’s suffering and from which she wakes up crying out his name leading to Willow, Kiki and Anna remark on playfully how unfair it is to dream about Gavin and disregarding the other guys. She also sees his future in episode 15 twice! If I am not mistaken, she only sees Victor’s future once in her dream and a vague vision of him in ch 18 but other than that she has no premonitions about Lucien or Kiro. Besides in the anime MC uses her power unintentionally yet instinctively twice while having Gavin in mind in episodes 5 and 8. The third time, she uses her powers in this way is in episode 11 with Victor but he is not her driving force for this but she is driven by the imminent danger they both are in and she doesn’t particularly think about Victor at this moment. In the game it additionally happens in chapter 22 when Gavin is cornered by the mechanical arms and is in a tight spot, this sight makes MC have a surge of rage and to unleash her powers in a great magnitude. Gavin is Queen’s soft spot i.e. More importantly Gavin is a constant part of MC’s future frame. She has her visions about other LI’s past but when it comes to Gavin it’s only his future. MC doesn’t have visions about Gavin’s past, like, ever. While Kiro, Lucien and Victor are stuck in their pasts with MC, Gavin has made peace with his past, is living in the present and looking forward the future (one of his best qualities imo, not being stuck in the past). Ironically, it’s MC, who’s stuck in the past in Gavin’s case. 

       e) I will intentionally not delve much into S2 stuff, but one thing has to be in this post…We know that in S2 MC goes back in time and relives the last 17 years. During these 17 years she makes sure to spend her high school years close to Gavin. So given the chance to rewrite her past, she would choose to make good for the lost years that she regretted dearly in S1 (she gushes out about her regrets in S2 Late Autumn Date in detail). We are yet to find out more about the nature of their relationship during high school, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a “will they, won’t they” situation. Since the game wouldn’t put any of the guys in an ex-boyfriend role, that would be the most romantic frame possible.

        3.  How other people see Gavin x MC

f) In CH 36, the one before CH 37, where every LI gets the same intimate moment with MC, only Lucien and Gavin are getting close to kissing her to which MC doesn't show any rejection towards... She is the one accidentally kissing Gavin btw and this is the only time before CH37 that MC either accidentally or willingly kiss any LI on his face or near his lips.

g) In S1, MC only posts two pics with the boys in her moments. One of them is a selfie with Lucien and the second one is with Gavin, hugged from behind. No other LIs ever have a moment with MC. Neither on their accounts, nor on MCs.

It is always a good indicator to look at how other characters perceive a particular ship. For Gavin and MC, it is almost obvious that once they are standing side by side, others see them instantly as a couple. Sure, at the orphanage some children ask Lucien if MC is his girlfriend or that one actress threatens MC to stay away from Victor because he’s hers (btw what happened to her?) With Gavin however, it’s practically a running joke. 

As mentioned above, her once daydream in the office with Gavin shoutout in CH 6-13 drew the attention of her co-workers, leading them to mock her for thinking about him too much even though her dream was rather a nightmare. Besides, Gavin is the one showing up the most in MC’s office and he also lift her up to his shoulders once in the Visiting Hours date and Homer took a pic of that hilarious moment. 

Every time MC is at STF HQ, respectively, Gavin’s co-workers or subordinates too take note of her presence and in chapter 12 they are even caught red-handed by one of the agents as MC is busy “correcting” Gavin’s hair (because see point 1). Eli seems to be aware of the intimacy between the two and even probably assumes that they’ve done the deed, because in ch 12 he is surprised to hear that MC hasn’t seen Gavin’s wound yet. He presumes that she already saw him naked…oh Eli! Season 2 has even more eminent scenes, we just have to wait and see.

In chapter 15 when they deliver Perry to the hospital, they are mistaken to be his parents by the hospital personnel not once but twice! Needless to say, they don’t find it necessary to correct the misunderstanding. I mean Perry is, what, 6…MC 22, Gavin 24 but they automatically think that they must be the parents?! Sure thats common sense- wink wink nudge nudge ¬‿¬ -

In chapter 22 Shaw makes a comment on MC willing to go to where Gavin is  with a “Really, all you do is following him, isn’t it?”. He uses MC to trigger Gavin in Airport date as well.

And of course, there is Minor…The ultimate number one wingman and the most original Gavin-stan! Minor uses everything in his power to bring them together both in the main story and in dates. He even calls her Sis-in-Law in public in CH 35 which MC doesn't reject. This doesn’t even need explanation.

Last but not least:

Their couple chemistry went viral lol.

Visually speaking, when they stand side by side, for me Gavin and MC look the most like a couple (Kiro is too childish and fashion icony compared to MC and Victor is too mature and business attire-ish making him look like her uncle rather than boyfriend, Lucien is the only one besides Gavin who actually suits MC visually). I am not saying that looks are the main indicator btw so don’t lynch me please ^_^

Come to think about it, MCs life is intertwined with that of Gavin's the most. Considering how she knows his father, brother and colleagues and spends so much time in "his world" whether it's at STF or NW. In the main story MC and Gavin have their favorite restaurants (ehm it's never souvenir due to obvious reasons 😉), share the same passion for music, have many common memories from high school and most importantly their world views are very similar. Both are prioritizing others safety over themselves and are compassionate for anyone who is in need. They are both ambitious and hardworking but not to the point of being power driven. Both are humble and finding hapinness in the smallest things. Maybe that's why they say the same things simultaneously or say the things the other would say simultaneously. MC and Gavin are highly compatible and have a harmonious, healthy relationship despite the conspiracy around them.

     4. Anime

Okay okay, listen…Yes, the anime wasn’t the best adaptation and many of us were disappointed by the ending (including me), still, the anime makes a part of canon MLQC universe and no Gavin-stan should complain about the anime because the anime put canonically Gavin on a pedestal. In a total of 12 episodes, all guys had 2 episodes each BUT Gavin was actually blessed with 3 episodes and so many romantic moments to count…let’s count them anyways :)

Mappa introduces all guys in episode 1 so MC encounters them all in the first 25 minutes but she first meets Gavin in episode 2 and the two spend almost the entire time of the episode together, not to mention the extremely romantic first-fly scene in the sunset. As I mentioned in point 1, MC and Gavin are always in physical contact in any given episode. Anime made sure to portray every single interaction they have romantically.

They even went so far to mix Gavin scenes in other guys episodes (he offers her a ride to work in ep 3, she has an emotional moment with him after the first shooting misunderstanding while Lucien is standing right next to her in ep 4, Gavin is the one to catch MC mid-air in ep 10, this episode ends with them in their life and death embrace falling down in dawn… and then he falls on her in ep 11).

When it’s a Gavin episode MC has no romantic scenes with any of the other guys, let alone having any scenes at all. Its only about Gavin in Gavin episodes. Also, the storyline is edited in a way that between MC and Gavin a romantic story develops. Their meet cute conspiracy, their misunderstanding with Lucien, followed by the “drop the senpai” offer and finally that 5 seconds long gaze deeply in the eyes in ep 8 while holding hands.

It is really sad that the anime ruined this development in the final episode but taking into consideration that there might be a second season, they probably chose to make the change in Gavin’s character after the NW project remarkable.

Another point in the anime is  that they kinda exaggerate Gavin’s Evol a little bit. During his stand-off with Lucien Gavin’s bullet cuts through Lucien’s shield and all in ep 8,11 and 12 there is a significant emphasis on the intensity and destructive power of Gavin’s Evol. I mean, whose Evol is the most upfront one in episode 12? We see Lucien using his Evol only twice, both very briefly, Kiro/Helios/Key and Victor even have to use guns to protect themselves and/or MC. Gavin’s shown using a pistole once at the beginning, after that it’s all turbines and tornadoes and just Gavin unleashed. 

I think it’s an exaggeration because in my personal opinion, Lucien is actually the one with the strongest Evol, followed by Victor and then comes Gavin. Lucien’s ability to copy an Evol is simply the strongest trait one could have, sure it comes with the downside that he then doesn’t have enough time and focus to excel in any of those Evols, Victor can literally create black holes are you kidding me?! But because his Evol has its limits it puts him in the second place. But in the anime, Gavin’s Evol is extremely powerful and destructive and they also created some really cool scenes in which Gavin uses his Evol in various styles (accelerating his bullets speed, dodging a bullet, lifting MC in any and every situation, flying- obviously- and sometimes just overpowered destruction).

But in the anime in comparison, Lucien looks like a copy-cat of Evols and Victor like someone who travels through time to find out nothing can change the course of events (on a side note I will never understand why did Mappa toned down Victor so heartlessly, he is a  powerful character and has countless sweet, emotional moments with MC).

        5. Dates

I left dates to the end because they are highly subjective and don’t belong to the main story. NEVERTHELESS, Gavin’s dates include here and there some hints which may indicate that MC tends to like Gavin maybe just a little bit more. I will just add it as bullet points here since I’m pretty sure that the list will be enriched over time.

Slightly drunken date: Shouting out loud in public “Gavin! I’m crazy for you!”

When the Galaxy Falls Date: “...and in that moment, I make an eternal vow in my heart. To give all the blazing love and the most endless warmth to the person in front of me. Standing on my tiptoes, I carry a heart which is filled with courage to move forward, receiving Gavin.”

2 become 1 date “No matter whether the wedding is real or fake I only want to be your bride.”  Here comes the Groom event where MC had a prob wedding with each and every LI but she actually only wanted to be Gavin’s bride (obviously Gavin’s heard her loud and clear since he’s bought a gem/ring right after) and that gem is brought up in…

The Returning from Afar Date - Thank you for silently watching over my mood. Thank you for always returning to my side no matter where you go. The white muslin drifts to and fro. My heart stirs, and I gently touch the muslin in front of me. Sunlight streams in. My fingertips brush the soft white muslin, tracing the word “Gavin” on it. I turn my head to the side, blinking at Gavin a little playfully. “This word - apart from it being your name, it also has another meaning. It’s “courage”. MC getting poetic, but who wouldn’t in that date (thank you @smallersocksx for reminding me and without @cheri-translates we poor Eng-server players would be left in the dark so thank you for translating season 2 for us!!!) but than MC verbally and literally makes her feelings clear in…

Late autumn date (2nd season translation by @cheri-translates) “I close my eyes, holding onto his solid arms. I lift my head to welcome his lips, savouring his unique breath. The person in front of me has shed off the roughness of youth, leaving behind only the purity of youth. He often makes me forget that he once used to be unrestrained like the wind. He has a body that is stronger than everyone else’s, a tough soul, a will that is as firm as steel, and a heart full of tenderness – it is soft beyond compare. 

I cling to his waist tightly using my calves, wanting to brand every part of him into my heart. 

“I want to bear his everything.” 

Gavin: “Do you like it?”

“I like it…I like it very much…I like it so much that I don’t know how to prove how much I like it” “The rest of my life is yours, The years that we’ve missed out on are also yours” (whatever I have, I will give it to you. I will give everything to you, leaving nothing behind)

I rest my case

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine Advent Drabble 2020 - “Up in the Air” (Rated PG13)

Summary: Kurt is heartbroken after his plans for a romantic Christmas with Blaine are demolished when he gets locked into a flight he'd been trying to switch. Blaine reassures him that it will be okay, that they'll have their romantic celebration when Kurt's feet are back on the ground. But is Blaine possibly hiding a secret that just might sweep Kurt off his feet? (1638 words)

Notes: Written for the @klaineadvent Drabble Challenge 2020 prompt 'join'.

Read on AO3.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” Kurt grumbles, rushing down the corridor that leads to his gate with his carry-on in tow and his heart pounding, trying to give off the impression that he’s not rushing.

Appearance is everything in the flight attendant game.

He was supposed to get an hour sit before this flight, but the one he was on was late by close to forty-five minutes! He has roughly a minute-and-a-half to reach his destination, covering the distance of two football fields, and that’s not the crappiest part of his day.

“Pick up pick up pick up pick up! Blaine! Ugh!” 

This is the fifth time he’s tried to get a hold of his boyfriend to tell him the bad news. Try his hardest, he couldn’t trade this flight out for one that leaves after the holiday.

His plans to join Blaine for a romantic Christmas have officially been canceled. 

“Pick up pick up pick up pick up,” he chants as he checks in with security and heads for the boarding area. 

“You’re late,” his friend Monica teases.

“I had three seconds to make it here from the complete other side of the airport,” he replies with a forced smile for the waiting passengers. The flight attendants can get away with making snide remarks as long as they keep a smile on their faces.

“At least you did it in flats!"

"Wah wah wah," Kurt teases back, giving Blaine’s number one last try before he'll need to turn off his phone and stow it away for the duration.

He's in for a long night - a soul-crushing series of flights, each one taking him farther and farther away from the man he loves.

Finally, Blaine picks up. 

“Hey! Kurt! I was hoping you’d call!”

He sounds eager, Kurt thinks. Shit! “Hey.”

“Are you okay? It sounds like you've been running.”

“I have.” Kurt stops in the crook of the tunnel, out of sight from both doorways, to catch his breath. He has one precious minute before he has to perform his pre-flight checks with the crew. And here he is, spending it breaking a wonderful man’s heart. “Look …” He squeezes his eyelids tight, on the verge of frustrated tears “… I’m sorry, Blaine. It’s not going to happen.”

A moment of confused silence. Then realization. “Oh, no! Shoot!”

“I warned you there was a four percent chance it actually would. It’s impossible to make plans over the holidays. It would have taken a miracle.”

“Yes, but, Christmas is the time for miracles.”

“I know, I know,” Kurt says in a shaky voice. “Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Blaine says in a soothing voice. “I understand.”

“I know you do.” Kurt sniffles, pulling a handkerchief from his inside jacket pocket and dabbing under his eyes before they can get puffy. “It’s just … I know how I am. I’m the clingy, jealous type. I want to see you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don’t want you to resent my work. Or me.”

“Kurt, I could never resent you! I knew what I was getting into. This is one trip you couldn’t switch, and I understand why. This is just a hiccup. That’s all.”

“A hiccup on one of the most important holidays of the year.”

“There will be plenty of time after the holiday rush for us to spend together. I’ll see you soon. We’ll lie in bed together, hold each other in our arms, and it will be better again. You’ll see.”

Kurt nods in response even though Blaine can’t see. “I’m trusting you.”

“I appreciate that.”

Kurt hears footsteps hurry down the ramp, Monica whispering, “Hurry up, Kurt! We have to go!” as she passes. He watches her disappear around the corner and onto the plane. He sighs. “I love you, Blaine.”

“I love you, too. Have a good flight.”

“I will,” Kurt chokes out, blowing a kiss into the phone. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Kurt hangs up and shoves the phone into his pocket. He grabs the handle of his carry-on and continues on his way. Halfway down the ramp, his phone buzzes in his pocket. Before he even takes it out to check it, he knows it’s a message from Blaine.

He should have waited until he got on the plane where there’s a bathroom to duck into because it unravels him more than he is.

I love you, Kurt. And I’m pretty sure I always will.

***

Kurt doesn’t want to be here.

He doesn’t want to be flying over Miami on Christmas Eve. 

Not when he has a sexy man at home waiting to see him again.

Kurt loves his job. He really does. 

He stumbled into it unexpectedly. It was supposed to be a stop-gap while he worked his way to Broadway - something to pad his bank account, keep food in his belly, and a roof over his head while he got to experience life, hone his craft. And even though he's held on to his dreams of Broadway fame, this job stuck. He has never regretted a single flight in his entire career …

… until this one.

God, what he wouldn’t give to be at home right now, watching cheesy movies on Lifetime, snuggled in Blaine’s arms!

Kurt doesn’t pay much attention to the passengers as he maneuvers the beverage service down the aisle, dishing out Diet Cokes and mini bottles of vodka and Crown Royal. He makes eye contact, nods and smiles, but that's it. He can perform this part of his job on autopilot, has perfected the art of appearing engaged while, in his mind, he goes over notes for an audition or takes a stab at writing his memoirs. 

He knows the bare minimum about the passengers on this side of the plane from the things they let slip out of excitement or need - an older lady flying to see her daughter for the first time in ten years, an unaccompanied minor, a row of sorority sisters on a holiday excursion. Everyone is mellow, polite when he stops to ask them what they want from the cart. But there’s always one clown in the bunch.

And Kurt finds his sitting in Row 27, Seat E.

“Soda?” Kurt asks. “Coffee? Tea?”

“A medium drip, please? Or maybe a flat white?”

“A-ha. That's one coffee black for you,” Kurt says, his tone chipper, but sharp around the edges, barely glancing at the man as he hands over his drink. 

"Perfect. Thank you, Kurt."

"You're very welcome." Kurt internally groans when the man uses his name. The airline requires all customer-facing employees to wear a name tag for passenger comfort "in a time of need" (or so says the employee literature). In this age of social media, it's used more by the Karens of the world to flame what they consider 'inappropriate conduct' without impunity. All claims are thoroughly investigated, and require passenger and employee corroboration before disciplinary action is taken. But it's gotten to the point that he doesn't Google his name and the name of his airline in the same sentence anymore. 

It keeps him sane.

Kurt doesn't mind passengers knowing his name.

Just so long as they never use it.

But this man said Kurt's name like he owns it, and that Kurt doesn't appreciate. Not from strangers.

Kurt's eyes flicker up once it hits him.

He knows that voice. 

But how in the hell can it be here?

'I'm projecting,' he thinks. 'I miss my boyfriend, I wish that he was here, but he's not here. No. I'm not going to look at the occupant of this seat and see ...'

“Blaine?” Kurt stares at 27E perplexed. It is him! Unless there's been a gas leak the pilot hasn't told them about yet, Blaine is sitting right there, looking as adorable as ever! Maybe more so, his smile bright and goofy with his master plan revealed. “Blaine!”

“Well, well, well ...” Blaine turns in his seat, attempting a casual recline against the rigid armrest, masking the pain on his face when its sharp edge digs into his back. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“I didn’t know you’d be …! Wha---when did you even get a ticket?”

“A few days ago. Your friend Monica helped me with the details. I had to grease a lot of wheels, seeing as most holiday flights were already packed, but I’m on every one of your connections. I figured we can spend your layover together.”

“And what if I had managed to get the time off?”

“I would probably be out close to a few thousand bucks, but it was a chance I was willing to take.” Blaine tilts his head down so he can look coyly up at Kurt through long, thick lashes. “Are you surprised?”

“Yes! I … I don’t know what to say!”

“Say that you love me," Blaine says sincerely. "Say that you’ll have a little more faith in me.”

“I do have faith in you. It’s just sometimes … I don’t have all that much faith in myself. In my overall appeal.”

“Well, your overall appeal is so strong, I spent a small fortune to take this journey with you.” Blaine chuckles when he notices they’ve garnered attention from other passengers, wondering what happened to the drink cart but watching quietly to see the drama unfold. “So why don’t we enjoy the journey? See where it takes us?”

Kurt grins, his cheeks burning when the sorority sisters occupying the seats behind Blaine awww, and the older woman claps.

Kurt rolls his eyes when other passengers join in. 

Only at Christmas, he thinks.

Then again, isn't this what he wanted?

His cheesy Lifetime movie?

His improbable Christmas miracle?

Kurt smiles. “That sounds like a plan.”

[unluckyadept]

Character Journal Entry

{EASTER SUNDAY, 2021T}

The journey does not end here.

=-=-=-=-=-=

[It had been a long time since he had properly written. A very, very long time. So much had happened. It wasn’t just A long story—it was SEVERAL long stories.

But he had to at least try. Had to put in the effort, during this lull, this brief respite.]

=-=-=-=-=-=

It is something I have had to remind myself, now. More often than before.

=-=-=-=-=-=

[He had one particular person in mind as he reflected. If only he had proper time for a letter….

Maybe he could draft one as he wrote down his thoughts.]

=-=-=-=-=-=

How easily a man’s fortunes may change! It was not too long ago that I looked out to a new sunrise, a life of my own choosing.

My friends and I were well. Our families were well. Our lives were secure, and our allies were prospering. The common man could travel freely, secure in the knowledge that he need only concern himself with the {[business/matter/reason]} that drives his journey—others maintained security within the towns and across the countryside, and would maintain order and enforce justice should lawlessness prey upon him.

Everything was so secure, in fact, that I no longer held it a concern. Yes, even then, the tension was growing—and the Prideful summer season of the Colosso was a month of (what felt like torturous, at the time, before we learned what it was like when it’s even worse) hatred and disdain, and unpleasant as usual—but I was certain that with the sunrise, peace could be made possible by reaching out in joyful prosperity to the common human nature that is within all people.

It was not so long ago that all was right in our worlds, and we eagerly climbed out of the dust of mere survival and into the sunlight of true Living.

Not so long ago, indeed, that all was well for us in the world.

We had all we could ask for; health, family, friends, purpose, security, justice, fair recompense, resources, joy, peace, and—for the first time in an incredibly long time, on my part—

Hope.

It seemed, in those golden days, that against all odds—against all I’d been told, all that I’ve suffered, all that holds contempt for me, despite all my previous perpetual misfortunes, the repeated betrayals, the years of futile struggling!—against all odds, at last, all was well and we could all begin to know a life of true Joy in a happy and prosperous peace.

The years of darkness were finally behind us, and in that hour—brief as it was, and all too quickly and most painfully stolen—it was all worth it.

It had all been worth it.

To experience such true peace, surrounded by blessing, unburdened by darkness—

Oh, it was so, so worth it!

=-=-=-=-=-=

[…And then it was gone.

His heart ached as he sat in silence and sorrow, thinking back on how it started to fall apart, piece by piece.

Worse, and worse,

and worse

and worse

and worse

and worse

and worse and worse and worse and WORSE until at last, it had stuck so incredibly deep that it could only distinctly get worse if the walls continued to close in and suffocate him entirely.

It was so profoundly and inexplicably terrible that it sounded like a wild story written by an inexperienced Writer, too intent on giving suffering to the main characters that they failed to appreciate how it muddied the main plot and was too arbitrary to be realistic.

If he weren’t currently LIVING through this Purgatorial suffering, he wouldn’t believe it were even possible to be “realistic” for things to go so suddenly, so terribly, and so thoroughly wrong.

Each day was a year, now. His wretched and arduous labor was compounded by the yawning abyss that was the hopelessness of seeing no end in sight to such misery.

How quaint of poetic irony to strike him in such a way, that he was truly blind of the world as much as he was (and in fact, because he was) blind of true Hope.

Oh, he knew what it “looked” like, well enough. He knew he had once held such confidence and serenity, and that it had been worth it, to press on until his burdens were lifted. Abstractly, he did believe—within a given set of necessary requirements for it to be possible—that it could happen again.

He knew it existed. Logic dictated it was still true.

But he could no longer feel it. 

Not in its true state.

=-=-=-=-=-=

What is a man’s life, to toil away, and have tyrants destroy all he worked for? How easy it is to be so burdened by suffering under hateful tyrants that such a mindset drains the will to live.

Even I ask myself this, in my own iteration.

For mine is a terrible fate, a burden one would not wish on any man. And indeed, my whole life has been filled with sorrow and pain. All my joy has been fleeting in comparison. And it seems to me now, in this hour, as our enemies close in on us once more… that what little good I have managed to do will be meaningless. Soon to be forgotten, even sooner to be lied about, and already been robbed of any credit for what people DO acknowledge as positive.

But there was something that a good friend said, shortly before I lost

=-=-=-=-=-=

[He stopped there, feeling the terrible weight on his chest—from all the tension, all the strain— making it hard to breathe.

And he clenched his jaw, trying to fight off the inclination to be overcome by the raw pain that still ran deep.

For this was the message he was getting at, after all, wasn’t it?

And yet a single tear still managed to escape and mar his face, betraying the lonely sorrow that persisted despite an adult appreciation of reality and a mature acceptance of the inevitability.

Taking a moment to close his eyes and let it pass, he took in a deep breath and let out a sigh before he continued.]

=-=-=-=-=-=

It is not Man’s fate to have to rely on the whims of the world to determine whether or not existence will have meaning.

The journey does not end with losing everything over time, until at last, even the connection to this world is permanently severed.

It does not end in sorrow, in loss, in suffering, in misery, having long forgotten even starlight in the grim darkness of years without a sunrise.

=-=-=-=-=-=

[And his heart was less burdened now, reminding himself of this fact.]

=-=-=-=-=-=

Did not our ancestors toil away in thankless drudgery, generation after generation, subject to the greed of entitled ignorance, before we ever came to know those moments of prosperity and peace?

If we endure, if we stay true, then if nothing else, those who come after shall benefit from the good we have done and the foundations we placed—even if it had been torn asunder again and again, still, able to pick up the pieces—and build the world we wish to see.

And so we must remain strong, we must continue, for it is a certainty that there is good in all people, and it is never too late for the true repentance of past evils to contribute to a genuine reconciliation and peace.

For how many could honestly say that there is naught in their life that they regretted so deeply, so truly, that they were moved to become a better person? When we learn from our mistakes and desire to do better—to do good—then we do indeed turn aside from the darkness and work to build a better future.

How, then, can we say so readily that it is impossible for others to do the same? Are we not all equal?

We are not identical, but that is not necessary to be equal in dignity.

Therefore, let us resist the despair that “they” will never change, and are dead set on hatred and misery.

It is writ upon every heart this indelible truth: just as we know our hopes, dreams, dramas, sorrows, anguish, labors, friendships, enmities, joys, and rewards of time and effort…

…so does every human soul. I refuse to accept the notion that judgment must be made upon entire groups for the sins of individuals. And it is unfounded, cruel, unjust, and bafflingly pointless to treat people poorly for the sins—real or imagined or generalized—of their ancestors, let alone the ancestors of people who are judged to be similar in appearance.

So too do I reject the notion that it is impossible for things to change.

Everything is impossible if no one puts forth the effort to make any given “impossibility” a reality. 

Such true Joy and Hope as I had known was indeed a prosperity such as been admired in ancient ballad and inherited dream.

If I had known it then, against all odds, having healed from the wounds and sickliness of years of suffering—

If I did indeed live long enough to Live, however briefly, then might it not be possible again?

The journey does not end here, my friends.

This is not the end.

Darkness does not have the final say—nor is anyone barred from true change, such as drives one to grow strong, work hard, and do good in this world.

For it is not indeed about whether we knew luxury, in the end of this life. Nay, rather, what lingers, what is carried over, is this—

We live to build the world around us. Each labor we undertake that adheres to the paths of virtue provides the resources used to build a better world. As we continue down this road along the shoreline, yearning for those who have already taken the road to dawn, we know this—

The good others have done for us has brightened our lives and brought us higher out of the darkness and into the sunlight, and has had meaning.

So, too, do our good deeds impact others.

The journey does not end here, my friends…

This is where it BEGINS.

—Felix

[peremadeleine]

Droopy Sleeves and Tiny Bonnets: Watering Down the Romantic Aesthetic in BBC’s Les Mis

I wasn’t exactly blown away by the costumes in the BBC production of Les Mis, and Cosette’s in particular, cute as Ellie Bamber is, were thoroughly “just okay.” But I didn’t put much more thought into it...

Well, not until Gentleman Jack--set in the exact same time period--blew BBC’s Les Mis out of the water with its costume design. Then more recently, when I started researching the fashion of the early 1830s, all the ways in which poor Cosette’s costumes fell short became glaringly obvious.

Disclaimer: I am not as much of a stickler for historical accuracy in period drama costumes as this little essay is going to make me out as being. I’m not a Frock Flicks kind of gal; I just want to be entertained and look at pretty clothes. So as far as I’m concerned, as long as the basic silhouettes are there and the costumes are nice to look at, I’m there. (I find the wildly inaccurate costumes of The Tudors a lot more visually appealing than the ones in Wolf Hall. And everyone knows Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette was highly stylized, but those costumes are to die for and still embody the rococo aesthetic very well.)

That said, Cosette is a character who’s very invested in fashion, and the general look of the 1830s isn’t unknown to English productions, being the setting of Queen Victoria’s adolescence, Jane Eyre, Wives and Daughters, and many a Dickens adaptation among others.

So where did they go wrong?

Being honest, most of the Les Mis productions from the past two decades or so failed to put Cosette in high-fashion or even noteworthy costumes. Only the 2012 film for all the ways it failed her as a character hit it out of the park. Cosette gowns were damn near perfect--and they were actually pretty to boot! Unfortunately in the actual film you can’t even see the floral gown and you can barely see the blue one...thanks Tom Hooper.

The belts/buckles, the enormous sleeves, the delicate floral prints and embroidery, the lace collars...pat the costume designer on the back! (Her wedding dress was also on-point, but we’ll get to that.)

Claire Danes and Virginie Ledoyen had passable-and-sometimes-good costumes, too. Though Claire Danes’ were generally not very pretty, their overall silhouette was correct. Virginie Ledoyen gets a couple of knock-out, very period-appropriate gowns; the rest sort of fall into the nebulous “well, I guess you tried” category without being unattractive.

But the BBC production just...dropped the ball for reasons unknown.

Now, in the book Cosette overhears some ladies calling her “pretty but badly dressed.” She’s shocked, because she thinks she’s ugly but well-dressed. She then goes on a charming quest to become the best-dressed woman in Paris, and the BBC adaptation even has a scene where she goes to the seamstress. It’s really cute. Too bad that the dresses are...really not.

Here are some fashion plates from 1830-32.  Keep in mind that Cosette lives in Paris, of all places; she would be aware of what was and was not fashionable.

This is the height of Romantic fashion: giant (“gigot”) sleeves and bonnets, full skirts with hems at or just above the ankle, lace accents, silk stockings and slippers, elaborate hairdos. The 2012 costumes, again, capture this quite well. 

And even if the BBC designer had taken liberties and had fun while preserving the overall aesthetic--think what Sandy Powell did in Cinderella, set in roughly the same period--I wouldn’t be making this post. But there’s curiously little 1830s to be found in Cosette’s wardrobe at all.

I guess we should start with the BBC’s Good/Accurate Stuff. This coat Cosette wears is, apart from the deep fur-lined V-neck, almost a carbon copy of the extant coat on the right. And she has a bonnet!

Cosette’s best/most accurate dress is, naturally, the most difficult to see and has the least screentime of all her costumes:

From what I can tell, the sleeves, though delicate and sheer, are very full, as is the skirt, and the whole thing seems both pretty and en vogue...despite the questionable neckline. It’s also detailed--embroidery on the sleeves and with pleats (?) to create visual interest at the shoulders and on the bodice!

Here are a selection of other short-sleeved gowns from the period for comparison (both extant garments and costumes/reconstructions).

Tbh Ellie’s costume should be as stunning as the blue gown (far left) that an extra wore in Cinderella, but...maybe someday, in some Les Mis production, that gorgeous Sandy Powell creation will reappear. *sigh* (Virginie Ledoyen’s best Cosette gown is on the far right, btw.)

Anyway, that’s...that’s about it for the “Good” category.

Next up: her teal/turquoise dress(es). (She also wears a red one that looks exactly like this.)

Someone didn’t tell the costume designer that Cosette was supposed to be a fashionista, I guess. During my research, I did find a couple of dresses that resembled these two...but they would both be several years out of date by the time Cosette was going on her fashion crusade:

Even the yellow dotted dress has more style and “oomph” than what poor Cosette got stuck in--her sleeves look comparatively small, deflated, and underwhelming, all the more so when compared to actual 1830s gigot sleeves.

In the interest of being fair, some extant gowns from the right dates also look somewhat like these two.

But they all look, well...better. They all make me wish Cosette’s gown had bigger sleeves, a more-defined neckline, less wrinkly fabric...anything that would take it up a notch. (Also of note: as plain as some of these dresses look, they would not have been worn alone--accessories like wide belts, shawls, bonnets, etc., would have been part of the outfit when they were actually worn.)

And when it comes down to it, Cosette--who wants, after all, to be wearing the most fashionable gowns, like those in the fashion plates--should be wearing gowns more like...

The detailing, the fabric choices, the tailoring, and (sorry) the size and position of the sleeves makes all the difference here. A little more effort, even just padding for Cosette’s poor limp sleeves and a belt, would be enough to bump her looks from “kind of sad” to “something I believe this character would really wear.”

My personal favorite gown in the production was very pretty, flowing and delicate--and look: I’m willing to accept that Cosette wouldn’t always be wearing a fashion plate while chasing butterflies (something no film Cosette has, tragically, ever done...) That said, it still wasn’t very 1830s.

This purplish gown is the closest extant I could find to something like what Cosette wears here, but once you look at the details of both--fabric, neckline, whatever is happening around waist--all you get is “???” A lovely dress, but one that doesn’t make much sense.

So finally we come to what ought to be the showiest of all Cosette’s costumes: her wedding gown. 

This costume ought to be Stunning for a lot of reasons. The “Fauchelevents” have money! The Pontmercys have money, and they have society friends! Cosette is a fashionista, and she’s head-over-heels in sweet young love! And one an assume that Valjean wants to send off the light of his life, if send her off he must, in style--he’s heartbroken but also knows, from this moment, that he will never have to worry about her safety or well-being again.

With all that in mind, this is what Ellie’s Cosette wears...

Oh. Okay. Is it her freaking wedding day, or is she just going to a church picnic???

At least she IS wearing a bonnet in this scene, but it’s the same color as her hair (?!) and it’s tiny...just like her sad, deflated sleeves. The necklime and waistline both are at least accurate here, but like the sleeves, the skirt isn’t voluminous. Not a single thing about the dress makes a statement...unless it’s a shrug. The impression is, once again, “meh?”

At least a veil (which some women did wear on their wedding bonnets) would emphasize the “wedding day” vibe. How about, if they weren’t going to give it any volume, some detail on the gown...any detail...floral embroidery...a BELT...a contrasting color or fabric (lace, hello?!)...anything??? It’s just so plain and low-key. Just like everything Cosette wears in this miniseries.

Here are some period wedding gowns, two of which Cosette wears in other adaptations. They all have the wow factor this dress lacks.

Big sleeves! Lace! Belts! Veils! Lush fabric! Frills! Different colors/fabrics to create visual interest! Hairstyles that pop instead of blend together! These are the kind of gowns that say “I’m the bride and this is my day.” Not “I’m going to the church picnic.”

I want to reiterate that, after ALL that rambling...my big issues are that a) these dresses are not--by and large--attractive or interesting and b) that they fail to embody Cosette’s love of fashion. The fact that they’re so inaccurate for the time period is secondary. However, paying more attention to the fashions of 1830-32 would, I think, have helped make the costumes prettier and more suited to the character. How you dress a character is also a factor in how their character is perceived and can be a subtle means of character development. No chance of that here. (Post-marriage, Cosette wears such a blase dark blue coat that, sans fur trim, looks identical to her previous one. Yawn.) 

I’m just a fan, yet it still took me only three days of basic research to put this post together. Expecting a costume designer to put in at least a few days of light research is not a huge leap. I’m going to venture a guess and say that this designer did not bother to do that. And it shows.

It’s a shame, because Cosette gets a lot more screentime here--for the first time since the 2000 production--and she deserves so much more than shapeless gowns and barely-styled hair.

And also more than Andrew Davies...but that’s a rant for another time.

[nouveauweird]

MEDIA INFLUENCES FOR MY WRITING (IN GENERAL)

I was tagged by Yah Yah of @fluoresensitive​ (thank you!). Since I’m not actively working on a single wip I chose some early and major influences for my work overall rather than just one project. These medias span from childhood to very recently! 

As you can see I am very much influenced by the science fiction and crime genres. Some of these works I was introduced to through school, others through chance or recommendation, and they all left lasting impression. The following WIPs take the strongest influence from these medias: The Puppeteer Plague (sci-fi thriller), Of Rust & Redwood Lungs (space opera? drama), Define Vitality (post apoc drama), Hyacinth Stalks (crime thriller).

TAGGING: @bebewrites - @blossomov - @skeletongrrl - @glittcrpeach - @queenie-dragon - @halohidings - & anyone who wants to tbh

This got long so I’ll put all of this under a cut!

The Magic Treehouse series by Mary Pope Osborne. These were a childhood favourite of mine, a mix of science and fantasy and adventure that made learning something empowering for children. 

The Pyx by John Buell. This pulp fiction has been lurking on my family’s bookshelves forever, since it’s one of my grandfather’s novels. I need to reread it to appreciate it properly because it’s been like 10 years. 

The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. I read this in grade 9 and fell in love with its subtle science fiction elements, its post-nuclear apocalyptic setting and the children who find themselves with tele-empathic abilities that make them a target of their hyper religious communities... 

The Host. Probably read this midway through high school after the Twilight craze had died down, but have reread it about 4 times and it makes me cry every time. Say what we will about Smeyer and silly hetero love triangles but she did some really cool worldbuilding with this, and those ideas have followed me ever since. I probably think about this book every time I shower, don’t ask me why.

The Stand (expanded and uncut edition). My dad has a few favourites, and among them are this book and Dune. He convinced me to read it when we were stuck in a cottage for two weeks when I was 14. I got the name Perion from this book, which I gave to one of my most treasured original characters. I also take inspiration from some of the plague and post apocalypse elements but little else.

Level 26: Dark Origins by Anthony E. Zuiker. I watched way too many crime shows as a teenager, and though I think the CSI shows were not so bad, this novel written by the executive producer was real bad. I absolutely shouldn’t have read this at 15 years old it was so fucked up, but it was also the first book to immediately hook me in in the prologue and held me in a tight grip of suspense the whole way through. I’ve never been more fucked up by a book before. The sequel is pretty good too. It is actually media based, and has codes every few chapters that you can plug into the official website where there are short clips shot with real actors that provide additional subplot to the book.

Fringe (2008-2013). This was my favourite show which I was so invested in I recall my sibling coming in to console me during a particularly intense season premiere bc I was sobbing so hard. What they did with some of the science fiction in this blew my mind, and some elements have followed me into my work now. 

Obscura by Joe Hart. I read this last year, and I’ve never really finished a book and wholeheartedly said that it deserved to have a TV adaptation. It’s narrative is suspenseful the sci-fi elements are compelling and the stakes are intriguing. It’s set in space, the main character is a mother, and the twist is fucking delicious.

Bloodchild by Octavia E. Butler. I read this for my sci-fi themed English class last year and was riveted. I haven’t read anything like it before. The whole class reacted strongly to it. I loved the alien species and I love the dynamics between them and the humans, who have become refugees on another planet, and a valuable resource too. Fucked up but in a very compelling way.

The Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer. I started the first book at 9 pm before trying to go to bed, and got through the first 100 pages, I had to get up and go talk to by sibling Andy because I was so thoroughly skeeved out by the world Vandermeer had created. I put a lot of trust in this story, because the perspectives shift in the following books and I really wanted more from the Biologist, but ultimately it remains one of my favourite series and a huge influence for my science fiction work. 

Alien (1979) & Aliens (1986). The first “scary” movie I was introduced to as a kid. The monster/alien concept stuck with me and I rewatch the first two films (we ignore every subsequent film). Puppeteer Plague pays homage to the Xenomorphs, and in another WIP (Mare Levest 40) I named many of the crew after Alien Franchise characters.

iRobot (2004). Another action/sci-fi I was introduced to as a kid. It still startles me even though I know the story and have watched it many time. The robots were fucking cool. Spooner’s prosthetics are a major influence in Of Rust & Redwood Lungs (which is a Mars Settlement political drama).

The Expanse (show and books). I only recently got into this series, but it’s become a big inspiration for me for my own space opera wip. I have taken influence from The Martian, The Space Between Us, Interstellar and many other space-based medias for this piece, but The Expanse was the one to really dig in deep with the worldbuilding and I have a lot of respect for it especially because of its diversity of characters, but also representations of various sexualities. 

Runners Up: Panic at Rock Island for its plague themes, The Mentalist and Lie to Me for their unique approaches to crime, Terra Nova for its unique worldbuilding and for also making me fuckin sob during the finale (also shout out to the livejournal fanfic community I was in for that fandom, lmao, I gave Lt. Reilly the first name Laura and someone put it on the wiki), and Bioshock, The Last of Us, and Horizon Zero Dawn for worldbuilding elements. 

I legit didn’t realise I had so many sci-fi influences, damn. You’re a trooper if you read this far.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

I seem to have lost the ask where someone requested an Umbrella Academy AU, but anyway here goes.

They’re different from what Jake was expecting, and yet in many ways they’re just the same.  Marco’s still tight-lipped and wild-eyed, a few new tattoos and several new track marks not changing his swagger or his smile.  Cassie’s the only one who thought to wear black, but then she’s always preferred clothing that’s easy to match.  Jake realizes after a second that he’s waiting still for someone else, and yet that’s it.  That’s all that’s left of them these days.  Rachel’s dead.  Five is... gone, probably for good.  Tobias was probably never going to show.  There’s only three of them, where once there were six.  They’re orphans, now, or maybe they always were.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Tobias?” Cassie asks, as they sit and stare at the urn of their father’s ashes.  “Just to make sure we’re all here?”  Imploring, she looks at Mom.

Grace shifts slightly, servos whirring.  “Your father’s will didn’t specifically mention Tobias.”

Marco sighs loudly.  “Of course not.  Did anyone even call him, let him know that the old bastard kicked it?”  He turns his head, looking at apparent thin air.  “Yeah, okay.”  He turns back to Jake and Cassie.  “Rachel’s with me, that we should wait.  See if he shows.”

Jake shrugs.  Their whole lives, Tobias seemed kind of... aloof.  Distant.  Stuck halfway out of their world, cast into the shadows.  And then Five disappeared, and Rachel died, and it was like his last links to this family had been severed.  Might as well run off.  Might as well get rich off a tell-all that spilled their most personal selves across the page: Cassie’s desperation for love and connection, Marco’s endless self-loathing chatter, Jake’s single-minded devotion, Rachel’s petty tyranny, Five’s wandering between times and selves and states of existence.

“Alternately, we could just have Big Jake chuck Dad in the ground before fucking back off to space,” Marco suggests.  “After all, Number One’s the only one the old coot ever really liked —”

“Marco.”  Cassie’s voice is quiet but severe.  “He’s been dead two days.  A little respect wouldn’t be the worst thing, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, like being dead is an accomplishment.”  Marco’s head snaps around.  “Well ex-cuuuuse me.  We’ll just have to get you a medal then.”

Jake feels his mouth tighten.  Marco claims to talk to Rachel.  Too bad for all of them that Marco’s always been so damn good at bullshitting, because now there’s really no saying what the truth is.

Jake hopes—  He wants—  He wants what’ll make Rachel happy, whatever that might look like now.

Cassie smiles.  “Thanks, Rachel.  Let’s wait for Tobias.”

Jake’s about to agree when a fucking portal opens in the middle of the backyard and spits a thirteen-year-old version of Number Five onto the lawn.

Jake perches gingerly on the edge of Number Five’s bed; the frame groans but holds.  Watching Five teleport around the room, eating and talking and packing all at once, dressed like that, looking like he does... It’s a discomfiting echo of an earlier time.  Before Cassie ran away.  Before Rachel’s career blew up, and then her trailer did as well.  Before Tobias became so quiet, and Marco got so loud.

Jake clears his throat.  “Five...”

Five swallows a wad of marshmallow and peanut butter.  “Ax.  At the Commission they called me Ax, and I know how you feel about titles and codenames.”

Weird name.  Violent.  “Ax, then,” Jake says.  “When you say that the world’s ending in six days...”

Ax clips a sickle to his belt.  “Six of your days, yes.”  With no further explanation, he disappears with a faint whoosh of air.

Cassie knows who it is from the unsteady rattle of the knock, even before she opens the door a crack.  Marco’s in a bad way today, pale and sweating with the darting gaze that tells her he’s seeing people that the rest of them can’t perceive.  “Hi,” she says softly, and then, “One sec.”

She shuts the door, hurrying through the one-room apartment to shove everything not bolted down — combat knives and scalpels, syringes and knick-knacks — into the lockbox under her bed.  Marco’s her brother and she’ll take him in no matter what, but that doesn’t mean she’ll tolerate her stuff getting stolen.  He might be (might be) clean now, but it never lasts.

Marco has to know what she’s doing, but he doesn’t comment when she lets him in.  Instead he smiles at her, soft and wavering, and says “How’s fighting the good fight these days?”

Coming from him, the question is just a little bit sarcastic, just a little bit mean.  Cassie’s not a real cop, not a real anything.  Even vet tech school wouldn’t have her, given her nonexistent formal education, so it’s just as well that she doesn’t mind cleaning the humane shelter’s cages and exercising its dogs in exchange for the apartment upstairs and enough cash to keep her alive.

“Detective Patch told me just the other day that she appreciates my help, thank you for asking,” Cassie says.

Marco raises his eyebrows, smirking.  “So you two…?”

“Still broken up, and we’re both happier that way.”  Eager to change the subject, Cassie shifts away to sit on the bed.  “How’s…?”  They don’t talk about Rachel.  It discomfits them all, especially Rachel.  “Any luck with Dad?” she says instead.

Marco purses his lips.  “So far so good.”  Meaning no word.  “If I ever do hear from him, I’ll be sure to tell him that at least his Numbers Two and One are doing him proud.”

That one was definitely sarcastic, definitely mean.  Cassie stands to walk across the room rather than answering.  She opens the mini-fridge next to the stairs, setting aside a tray of frozen feeder mice to find a can of soda that she brings back to Marco.

“Have you ever considered that maybe using my powers isn’t about Dad?” she says at last.  “That maybe I do it for me, or for Patch, or, I don’t know, for the people I can help by actually using the things we learned?”

Marco turns the can over in his hands, frowning.  Caffeine’s the strongest drug he’s going to get on these premises, which makes Cassie like to think that he comes for the company.  “And Jake?  Why’s he still keeping calm and carrying on, all the way to the moon and back?”

“Jake…”  Cassie sits across from him.  Jake never learned to put what he has to other uses, the way she learned to use her knives for good or Rachel turned her skillful voice toward a surprisingly lucrative film career.  “Jake doesn’t know what else to do, I think sometimes.  Not that any of us do, really.”

It’s not Marco’s fault.  He is the way he is because of their dad.  Because of his power.  Because he was, like Jake, never given another way out.  “Hush, you,” he says to someone that Cassie cannot hear.  “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Is that Rachel’s... um.”  Jake stalls midsentence, apparently for lack of a word for the garment that Marco is currently wearing.

“Don’t worry, I got her permission to borrow it.”  Marco flicks a handful of fringe at Jake.  “She’d eviscerate me if I didn’t.”

“Anyway, the end of the world,” Ax says.  “Whirrrrl-ed.  Huh.”  He’s two margaritas deep already and seems to have overestimated his own tolerance.  He’s always been a hedonist, but Cassie is worried to see that this adult version has switched from pastries to hard liquor.  “I bought us some time, three of your days, but we need to find Taylor Preston and kill her before she does...”  He giggles.  “Something bad.  I couldn’t get any details about what, exactly.”

“What?”  Marco looks at presumably-Rachel.  “No, no one bothered to call Tobias.  This is superhero crap, not the usual family drama.”

“So this Taylor person causes the end of the world,” Jake says.  “But she’s innocent.  We can’t kill her for something she didn’t do.”

“All of you will die if we don’t find her in time,” Ax says.  “And the rest of the world too, including Taylor.”

“Rachel says she’s so very glad to hear the Commission got to you so thoroughly, Ax.”  Marco traces his own lifeline between the lines of one tattoo, not bothering to look up at them.

“Let’s find Taylor, and try and talk to her.”  Cassie glances around at them all.  “It’s a start anyway.”

“Very well.”  Ax pushes to his feet, staggering slightly.  “And if it’s not too much trouble, I would like someone to call Tobias in.  I...”  For the first time, he looks just the tiniest bit vulnerable.  “I would like to see him one more time, if this is to be the end.”

“You’re quiet,” Jake comments.  It’s true; he’s barely heard a word out of Marco all afternoon.  Normally there’s no shutting him up.  Marco doesn’t answer, opting to continue to stare out the window and clutch at whichever pendant he’s wearing around his neck today.

Jake tries again.  “Marco.  You all right?”

Slowly Marco turns, hand clenched around his necklace.  He takes a second to orient to Jake’s face.  “You ever been to South Vietnam?” he asks at last.

“Um, no,” Jake says.

Marco smiles sadly.  “Spaceboy’s been to two planets, four satellites, and zero Vietnams.  Should’ve known.”

“I think there’s only the one,” Jake says.  Presumably, this is all heading toward a point.  “Is it... nice, there?”

“Course not.  Full of dead Americans.”  Marco turns back to the window.  “Actually, that’s probably not true anymore.  They tend to, uh, disperse?  I guess.  After a while.  And there’s only one now.  Any idea which one survived?”

Jake takes a breath, letting it out slowly.  He loves Marco, he does, but there are also times when he needs Cassie around to translate the.. Séance-ness.  “Which... Vietnam?”

“I guess it doesn’t matter now.  Fucking everybody lost that war, huh?”

“I just wish you’d tell me what’s wrong,” Jake blurts.

“What’s wrong?”  Marco spins, grinning suddenly.  “What’s wrong is that the world’s ending in less than a week, little bro, and you haven’t even lived yet!”  He releases the necklace to clap his hands, rubbing his palms together.  “I mean, have you ever even had alcohol?  Ever ever?”

“‘Little bro?’” Jake says, dodging the real question.

“I’m the second oldest now, time travel’s a bitch, what’s important is that you —”  He pokes Jake in the chest.  “Have got to get your jacket and your car keys, Goody Two Shoes, because we are hitting the bars now before the apocalypse catches us.”

“Can’t we just, like, raid Dad’s liquor cabinet?”

“Sadly, Ax got there first.  And judging by what he did to the coffee, the peanut butter, and the corn syrup — straight from the bottle! — there’s going to be slim pickings left for you and me.  Nope, we are headed to a bar, we’re going to get you, hmmm, six or seven Long Island Iced Teas should probably take the edge off even for a thicc bod like yours, and if you’re feeling some pot or some E later on tonight, then who am I to stop you.”

Well, Jake figures as he heads for his coat, at least Marco’s talking again.  That’s something.

“Just like... old times... huh?”  Marco pants, struggling for breath.  Ax is not sure if Marco’s addressing him or Tobias or someone already dead.  He’s too busy grabbing more pool balls off the table to reload where Cassie’s chucking them around the corner.  The Commission sent several dozen of their best this time, and Ax would be honored if he wasn’t so terrified for his whole family.

“Ax, take Tobias and run for it!” Jake calls from the next room over.  There’s an unpleasant wet tearing sound of him separating one or more limbs from someone’s torso by force.  “You two are no good to us here!”

“Yep,” Tobias says, mouth pressed in a grim line.  “Just like old times.”

Cassie swipes the back of one hand across her nose, grimacing when it comes away wet with blood.  “You know... he didn’t mean...”  She whips around, hurling an eight ball that impacts someone’s skull with a thunk.

“Where’s Marco?” Tobias says.

Ax looks around wildly, but he’s gone.  Taken, or worse.

Bullets chew the wood above their heads, showering them with splinters.  The assassins are gaining ground.  Cassie and Ax aren’t enough to hold them back.

There are too many of them.  There are simply too many.  They can’t win this fight, not with only the five — or four — of them, not when Tobias can’t do much of anything to help...

“Go, and I’ll hold them off!” Jake shouts, because of course he does.  “Just get out of here, all of you, and I’ll —”

There’s a wall-rattling thud as he goes down.  Ax pops out there, pops back immediately; there’s no way in hell he can lift Jake, not in this child’s body.  Better to draw as much of the fire away from him as possible, and then... and then...

They’re pinned down.  Underequipped.  Outnumbered.  Maybe they’re all going to end up like Rachel, and if Marco’s still alive out there somewhere then they’ll spend the rest of eternity yammering away at him from the beyond.

Which is when the Manor’s intercom crackles to life.

“I heard a rumor,” says a strangely doubled voice that is both Marco’s and not, “that you all stopped fighting and instead talked about your feelings like actual goddamn adults.”

Things get a little fuzzy after that, but the next thing Ax knows he’s sitting in a circle on the floor with the rest of his siblings.  All of them.  Rachel’s sitting there, translucent and flickering and weirdly synchronized with Marco’s movements, but he can see her, he can hear her, and...

“...I think what I really wanted, deep down, was the chance just to be a decent person,” Jake’s saying, tears in his eyes.  “Not a hero.  Not an explorer.  Just a guy who could get through the day and do the right thing without all this goddamn responsibility.”

All of the Commission assassins — who have formed a circle of their own, a little away from the Hargreeveses — break into murmurs of agreement.

“Ax?” Rachel says.

She heard a rumor that he’d talk about his feelings, which is why Ax feels an enormous rush of relief to let it out.  “I always wanted to live up to your expectations,” he tells Jake.  He turns to Rachel.  “And I wanted to be closer to you.”  To Marco.  “And I always thought it was a load of crap that Dad put so much pressure on you, but I can see now that I was too caught up in my own rebellion to support yours.”  To Cassie.  “You were right about Mom.”

Last he turns to Tobias.  “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” he says.  “You mean more to me than I know how to express, and what you have, who you are... That’s more than any superpower will ever be.”

Tobias swallows hard.  He nods once, apparently not trusting his own voice.

“My turn,” Rachel says.  “Because I have some feelings about what it’s been like watching you all beat yourselves and each other up for all of these years.  You’re all so stupid.  You’re self-centered and stubborn and... and I love you pack of losers so much.”  She sighs, settling halfway into the carpet.

“There’s a comet.”

They all turn to look at Tobias, who quails a little under the sudden attention.  Rachel reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder.  Ax rubs their knees together.

“There’s a comet,” Tobias says, gathering strength.  “It’s going to hit the Earth tomorrow.  The whole planet will be knocked off axis and all life will be annihilated in a matter of hours.”

Jake frowns.  “But we know about this.  The government space program attached a bomb to a rover...”

“And I disabled it.”

They all gape at Tobias.

“How?” Rachel says.

“I, uh.”  Tobias holds up a hand.  “I can’t really control it that well, but...”  He snaps his fingers.

Rain falls steadily.  They’re inside.  It’s a sunny day.  But Ax’s hair is getting wet, his skin is cold with the slickness of it, and there are even clouds overhead.

Jake scrambles to his feet, mouth open in shock.

“Yeah.”  Tobias shrugs.  The rain disappears.  “I can change reality sometimes.  And I just figured it was time, y’know?  Like humans have been around long enough, and we’re at risk of breaking out of this planet.  Better to contain the virus before it spreads.”

Ax chills.  It’s close, closer than he likes, to everything he argued in favor of killing Taylor.

The silence echoes.  It thunders.

“Being dead is overrated.”  Rachel’s voice is ethereal, ephemeral, eternal.  “Might as well live.”  And then she puts her arms around Tobias and pulls him close.

“Who knows.”  Ax takes one of Tobias’s hands in both of his.  “Humans might pleasantly surprise you, for once.”

Tobias folds forward in their grip.  The first spasm that goes through him is all it takes; the sobs follow faster and faster after that.

It takes a moment of focus.  A moment of intent.  The opposite of anger; love.  It takes Rachel growling at the others to give him some space, Marco singing under his breath, Ax mumbling equations and Cassie holding Jake back from micromanaging them all.

A light blinks on.  An ordinance is armed.

The Earth keeps spinning, and circling, and growing as scheduled.

They go to Griddy’s Doughnuts, afterward.  It’s back, like nothing ever happened.  None of them are quite sure what just happened back there, but they’re hungry and they’re confused and they’re all exhausted beyond all reason.  They get some looks, between Jake’s reality-distorting size and Cassie’s intermittent nosebleed and Marco’s flak jacket overtop a muumuu and Ax’s school uniform and Tobias’s white irises and the fact that Rachel only exists to the five of them.  But they get coffee and doughnuts too, because apparently they’re not too weird for the waitstaff to tolerate.

“So... did we just save the world?” Tobias asks softly.

Ax tilts his head back, chugging the last few ounces of his third vanilla latte.  “It would appear so, yes.  I had not fully calculated the odds of our success beyond the second or third decimal place, but the approximate percent —”

“Doesn’t matter,” Rachel says.

Cassie leans against the counter next to Jake, looking down the line of her siblings arrayed on the spin-top chrome stools.  “So, what now?” she asks.

Before Jake can answer, a woman taps him on the shoulder.  “Excuse me, sir, ma’am?”  She looks between him and Cassie.  “I know it’s really not my place, but...”  She leans around Jake and Cassie to direct a pointed stare at Ax.  “Should you really be letting your son have that much coffee?”

“Our what?”  Jake turns to follow the direction of her gaze.  “Oh, our son!” he says loudly.  “As in, the child that we gave birth to.  After being pregnant.  Because that’s how normal thirteen-year-olds come into existence.  And Ax is perfectly normal, and he’s our son.  Who is thirteen.  Obviously.”

Anyone in the doughnut shop who wasn’t already staring at them is definitely doing so now.  Cassie attempts a charming smile.

The busybody sniffs, apparently uncharmed.  “As I was saying, he’s very young to be drinking so much coffee, don’t you think?”

“Coffee... has energy,” Cassie offers.  “And he’s a growing boy.  And growing requires energy.  So caffeine is good.”

The woman continues to look between her and Jake, mouth halfway open, eyebrows drawn tight together.  Jake and Cassie continue to smile politely back at her.

Finally, she turns around and walks away.

“You two fuckin nailed that one,” Rachel drawls.  “I don’t think she suspected a thing.”  She’s snuggled up against Tobias.  Marco is lost somewhere in the cuddle puddle too.

Cassie laughs, which she seems to do every time Rachel speaks where they can all hear.  They need it.  They all do.  And the rest of the world can go screw itself, because this, right here, all of them... This is enough.

[Whoever requested this AU let me know, and also sorry for having lost the original ask.]

[foeseekerwriter]

Let’s Shred Voltron

Here’s a rather rambling, non-comprehensive breakdown of the ways VLD has royally screwed over its entire cast. Because I’m fed up and needed to get some of this off my chest so I could move on with other projects.

Allura is now a Workaholic Married to the Job. This girl is being made to do everything—be the team’s main diplomat and the leader of the Voltron Coalition (whose alleged size and scope makes the UN look like a children’s play group; this unto itself is a job for at least ten people), be the heart of Voltron by encouraging the rest of the team and giving them advice, pilot the Blue Lion (which entails plenty of dangerous and exhausting aerial and hand-to-hand combat), generate wormholes, be the “support brain” with her knowledge of alien tech/culture/races/etc.—the list could probably go on. This poor girl has been turned into the show’s workhorse, and not even realistically so either. She should be exhausted, worn out, maybe not broken—at least in her resolve—but completely drained by being pulled every which way all the time. But she’s the same enthusiastic, inspiring, almost peppy girl we met at the beginning, which implies that either Alteans have utterly incomprehensible reserves of energy or that the writers don’t care about writing her realistically, they just want her to do all their work for them.

This noble princess has also now been effectively dethroned, with the loss of the Castle and her crown—despite the fact that there are Alteans still out there who, now that Lotor is gone, will quite possibly be looking to her for leadership. This loss of any significant position of power or status aside from being the pilot of the Blue Lion was made abundantly clear when Allura, technically the ruler of the Altean diaspora and leader of the Voltron coalition, was put into a Galaxy Garrison cadet uniform. This was an insult to all the paladins, but most especially to Allura, as it indicates she is now subservient to a government military organization for a country and planet she isn’t even a resident or citizen of (a la the Avengers submitting to a government agency via the Accords in CA:CW). Allura has been stripped of any and all reasons for recognition except her status as a paladin. That (aside from her doing almost all the work to get everything done) is the only reason she still remains relevant.

She’s also been put into relationship roulette. I am thoroughly convinced that Monsanto was setting her up to be paired with Keith during the first two seasons (they spend a lot of time together, and aside from Keith and Shiro’s relationship theirs was developed by far the most out of anyone on the team during that time). Then, when the fans didn’t jump on board that ship and (at least when Allura was involved) tended to look more toward Lance or Shiro as possible romantic interests for her, they did their usual waffling routine and backed off, sticking a toe into the Shallura pool (the “hand touch” bit in S2 and the seesawing tension between Allura and Kuron) before doing their level best to get Shiro out of the story completely and sticking Allura with Lance instead. Now, I’m not against the trope where the guy has a crush on the girl and the girl at first doesn’t like him but eventually comes around (see Han Solo and Princess Leia for one of my favorite examples of this being done properly), but in this particular instance it feels more like the girl being turned into a plot device and stuck with whatever guy the writers decide doesn’t have enough payoff in the story otherwise. It’s fully possible that, written right, Lance and Allura could have ended up together quite plausibly. But the way it has actually been done—extremely arbitrarily with little development of their relationship or healthy growth of either character—it’s a travesty for both of these wonderful people.

Shiro has been taken from his position as The Leader and The Hero, which he filled far more effectively than Keith (see my Sorting Hat Chats analysis of the characters, as well as below) and been turned into fourth tree from the left (right alongside Coran, Krolia, and Romelle). He’s been given the consolation prize of piloting the ridiculous and totally stupid and unnecessary Atlas, but aside from that he—rather like Allura with her status as Blue Lion pilot—has no other relevance to the story.

Plus (and this is a major bone I have to pick with Monsanto) he was arbitrarily given a magic muscle disease that has never been mentioned or alluded to at any point before S7—and then Word of God revoked its existence in the show’s present time because “he’s technically a clone so he’s magically cured.” Aside from this appalling behind-the-scenes wand-waving being an absolute and total writing mortal sin, it makes absolutely no sense because Keith apparently knew about it and yet made no mention of it for six seasons, even when his friend, who apparently needed magical wristbands to keep him healthy, was in an alien prison for a year with no treatment. Shiro should be a total decrepit wreck in 1x01 after going that long without proper treatment. Yet he’s not only fine, he’s able to engage in hand-to-hand combat with five enemies less than two days after escaping (see the 1x01 fight in the cruiser hangar). This is deus ex machina at its absolute and total worst.

And… okay, I’m going to really rant for a bit. Buckle up, buttercups, it’s about to get messy.

So down to brass tacks: Shiro and Adam’s relationship. I don't care if you want to view it as romantic or platonic. Any way you slice it, portraying this relationship as loving, affectionate, and admirable in canon or fandom is an insult to anyone who has loved ones willingly going into danger or away from home for long periods of time—astronauts, military members, law enforcement, firefighters, pilots, sailors, students studying abroad, missionaries and social workers in foreign countries, heck, let's throw in a good chunk of scientists for good measure, as well as the canon characters Colleen and Katie Holt, the McClain and Garrett families, and Mr. Kogane. And that's just the first ones that come to my mind. There are many, many others.

Let’s take a look first at exactly what was involved in the infamous “don’t count on me being here” scene. Shiro has some weird disease that means his health is going to decline in a few more years (see the bone picking above). Despite protests from higher-ups (which, this being a military organization, an admiral saying that a lieutenant cannot/should not participate in a mission should have utterly slammed the door on even the possibility of Shiro going), Shiro has decided to go on the Kerberos mission. Back in 1x05 Sam Holt referred to being in space for “the next two months”. Because Pidge, normally a very accurate scientist, said “it takes months for our ships to get out here” in 1x01 when passing Kerberos, I’m going to give Sam the benefit of the doubt and assume the “two months” is referring to the trip to Kerberos only. So, two months there, two months back, probably no more than two weeks exploring (this is to a degree a token voyage, after all; presumably after its success more rigorous explorations would be conducted). So I’ll give it a generous total time of five months, at most. Five months. Foreign exchange students are gone from home longer than that. And, considering the amount of contact modern astronauts are able to have with people back on Earth, I highly doubt the Kerberos guys were radio silent during their trip. And despite his apparent muscle problem there are no health ramifications for Shiro going on the mission (as in, going won’t make his condition worse). So we’re looking at five months of long-distance relationship, essentially. This is way, way better than many people with loved ones in, say, the military get.

Now, "Don't count on me being here when you get back"—this is emotional manipulation, plain and simple, using threats to the relationship as leverage to get what the speaker wants out of the other person. It is almost identical to saying "if you do X I'll never speak to you again" or "if you do X I'll break up with you", a common verbal threat tactic in abusive relationships. I have a good friend who was in a relationship like this, and the ugliness of that breakup has ramifications even years later, both socially and in my friend's mental well-being. I also knew other people in (non-romantic) friendships with somebody who used similar types of phrases and manipulation to get them to do what she wanted. The strain ultimately tore apart the friend group. These sorts of phrases and tactics are red flags of the highest degree and indicate a relationship that is in no way, shape, or form healthy.

So. Adam doesn't want Shiro to leave for the five-month trip, ostensibly for Shiro's health. But we have no indication that the Kerberos Mission poses any sort of risk to Shiro's health, preexisting medical conditions included. Which means what's really at stake here is Adam just doesn't want Shiro to go and is using any possible reason or tactic, no matter how flimsy or manipulative, to push that goal. This is horribly self-centered and appears to be based entirely in a selfish desire to have Shiro around as much as possible for as long as possible without any consideration for Shiro's desires and dreams (it's made pretty clear that the Garrison, space exploration, and the Kerberos Mission have been Shiro’s dream and goal for years if not his whole life). To even consider this as anything less than selfish possessiveness is dangerous and downright insulting to Shiro, as well as to every single person who has loved ones gone for long periods of time and/or in dangerous circumstances.

Net result: no matter how you read Shiro and Adam's relationship, we should all be glad that Shiro GOT OUT.

(And relationship drama is possibly one of the oldest, cheapest methods for easy plot tension out there. It requires little to no effort on the part of the writer and can create lots of drama without anybody getting developed, just lots of “but you said you loved me!” type stuff ad nauseam. The families of the other paladins have gotten developed, or at the very least been given cameos; why not, instead of using a cheap relationship trick to give fourth-tree-from-the-left Shiro any sort of interest in S7 at all, give us some background info on him? All we know about him is that he worked for the Garrison. We know nothing about his parents, if he has any siblings… we could have gotten so much more, and yet the writers stuck us with this idiotic hogwash.)

Okay, mini-mega-rant over. Moving on…

Keith’s been strongarmed into a leadership role for which he is painfully not suited. To make this square-peg-in-round-hole setup work the writers have copy-pasted a good chunk of Shiro’s personality on top of the erstwhile lone wolf, turning Keith into a schizophrenic who oscillates wildly between inspiring noble leader and the shy, blunt, anger-prone guy we all came to love in the first two seasons. (That is not to say Keith is incapable of being a good leader; see aforementioned Sorting Hat Chats analysis. But this is not the way to get Keith to be a good leader.) To prevent this poor jerry-rigged human from being completely outshone, Shiro has, as I said before, been stripped of almost all personality and pushed as far back into the scenery as possible without disappearing entirely (and Monsanto has outright said they think he’s dumb and boring and wanted to get rid of him. But they were afraid of fan backlash when, for some weird reason, the fans actually liked him. So they didn’t kill him off and opted instead to be their usual spineless chicken selves and not pick a plotline, nominally keeping him around while making Shiro pretty much useless).

Lance is being made to operate as “Voltron’s right hand,” which runs counter to the lore established in S1 and 2 and, thanks to Keith’s writer-induced schizophrenia, means he’s actually leading Voltron by proxy because Keith has latched onto him as the strategist and moral compass (when Keith’s “Shiro personality” isn’t coming out). This has locked Lance into a particular role, when he actually operates best shifting to fit whatever role the situation calls for (again, see the Sorting Hat Chats analysis for more on this). The poor guy is really starting to come across as dragged over the coals and put on the rack; he’s take an awful beating at the hands of the writers and is worn down and damaged with no sign of relief. He seems to be getting Allura as a consolation prize, but as I said before this is a disservice to both of these characters and really just throws Lance’s suffering in his face.

Hunk and Pidge have largely been left by the wayside. Hunk was barely a step up from joining the line of trees in the first place, as the balmera arc was the only place he really shone (he’s had a few bits in episodes here and there, maybe—maybe—once a season, but more as a “look, we haven’t forgotten he exists!” thing than any sort of real character development). And Pidge, once she completed her “find my family” arc, faded into the background right along with Hunk. She tends to be a smidge more prominent than he does, if only because she’s the computer geek—and because she’s the team’s other girl, since Monsanto is all over that doggone “representation” bandwagon—but she’s largely served her purpose and now is simply the tech whiz plot device.

And… oh, good Lord. Don’t even get me started on the rest of the cast. Coran has never gotten a huge amount of development, but to be fair he’s always kind of been a goofy Alfred so it makes sense that we wouldn’t peel back his layers too much. He’s nominally interesting but largely there to help the other characters do their thing. But all the Holts have pretty much just been pawns in Pidge’s arc—we’ve seen so little of Matt Holt as to have no real idea of his personality at all (most of what we “know” is actually fandom-developed), and although Sam proved useful for the “return to Earth” bit he’s only gotten a little more development than his son. Krolia too was pretty much just a plot device for Keith’s arc and finding the Altean colony; since then she’s just disappeared into the scenery to become second tree from the left. Romelle has earned true MacGuffin status, as the literal only thing she has done for the story is reveal Lotor’s treachery (despite the fact that she, along with Krolia, is a powerpack of a character and could probably take down the empire single-handed if given the opportunity).

Plus the villains have been shortchanged along with everyone else. Part of the reason, I think, so many people loved Lotor as a bad guy was because he actually had a pretty good motive and a well-developed personality. He was a whole person. Zarkon kinda was, a bit, since he was obsessed with the Black Lion and that at least gave him some sort of drive. But Haggar? Who, by the way, we haven’t seen since S6? Sendak? Pshh, please. Why on earth would Monsanto bother to give the bad guys motivation and personality? That would distract from Keith’s leadership arc, and Allurance! And—and space wolf! And explosions! And look, Voltron has a new power, so don’t look at the man behind the curtain through the plot holes you could drag a planet through!

I am so done with all this nonsense. So I’m going to go fix everything with fanfiction. Bye.

P.S. “Monsanto” is my admittedly derogatory version of “Monsantos”, the contraction I’ve often seen used to refer to Lauren Montgomery and Joaquim Dos Santos, the executive producers and master-not-minds of VLD.

[infuseddopamine]

26 and feel content (maybe for awhile)

It’s been awhile. Nothing I want to sort out actually in the past months. I usually write when my mind scattered.

So once in a while, I’m gonna write things when I’m in a good mood and have things sorted out aaaand I got nothing to do amid this corona. It’s a #coronawriting! 

Lately I feel content with what I have now. I think things going on on its right track. Love, Career, Money, Peers, and Health (?), well, I rarely get sick lately lol.

So since I’m not that kind who likes to brag around, let’s brag things to myself with my writings.

Love

After the hurricane in June 2019, my relationship with Woof is getting so much better. Somehow I think the hurricane makes us get back on the healthy track. No drama, just enough healthy jealousy, and the most prominent part, we’re not co-dependent anymore, though in the first place he’s never co-dependent, I’m the one who was co-dependent. 

Here’s why I can get out from that co-dependent behaviour. That moment when we had a break makes me realise that I am my own self. I don’t need anyone to stay by my side to prove how worthy I am and those who stay with me stay because they’re attracted to my worth, not because I’m begging them to stay. No more begging someone to stay, they need to choose to stay with me because they want to. 

Before the big storm happened, I think we developed an unhealthy relationship which about to sink even without that bitch came around. I tried too hard to catch him, somehow I suffocated him with my unintentional nags. And he also got too pre-occupied with his new life (he got into a new job and new colleagues that he likes so much) and his plate had got too full for me to be included in there (?).

Woof is trying so much harder now. He’s trying his best to be with me. I really appreciate his effort to show how much he loves me and also to prove himself that he’s worthy to stay by my side. Well, part of it maybe he’s still feeling guilty. Let’s just take advantage of it, no one gets hurt tho. Love you! And I hope we can stay by each other side until we got super old and go to our retirement home together yet still enjoy each other company. Amen.

Career

I’m so grateful that I took a big leap at that moment. I like my current job, my colleagues, my boss (who’s about to leave, so sad), my clients, and especially the new things I learn each day in my current job. 

Things are super great, my boss and clients are very satisfied with what I do. My boss said it’s the first time ever for the past years that this client ever said they’re satisfied with our job. Even my boss got hijacked to my client’s company, to the division that I handle, while my client’s other division cut their contract to us. It’s a valid evidence that the division that I handled is the only one that works and actually makes my boss looks awesome. But I tried not to got a big head. Somehow, I tend to work even harder, to not let them disappointed. My inner child is still a people pleaser, lol. One day I might got a mental health problem because of this. 

Beside that, I also got to implement the things I learned in my current job to my own business. So, even the job that I have now is in line with my business now. I can just copy and modify it a little, since my business is still too small. But I just feel so grateful for this. 

While my current business is still too small and I think I wrongly choose one of the partners to join the business, but I hope for the best that it still can going bigger and my partner can change her bossy and don’t-want-to-get-her-hand-dirty behaviours. Amen.

Money

I have savings now! I can pay an annual rent for an apartment, invest a little, have a liquid money for unpredicted urgent matters, and also buy a designer bag (with installment of course, how come I can get everything at one time). 

I still need to manage my wasteful behaviour tho. I still buy unnecessary clothes every month, but now I only buy one or two things and it has to be something I can still wear for another 10 years. 

Woof also said that I have this lavish lifestyle where I buy stuff just because it’s expensive even if there’s a cheaper option, funny right. I just realised that after he said that to me. It is true tho. If there are two brands of tissues for example, I will choose the more expensive one, because I always think pricier product has a better quality, even if it’s not proven so. I just like the idea that I can buy a good quality product. That’s one of mindsets that I need to improve.

For the next financial plan, I hope that I can have a bigger savings & investment and letting my money growing itself so I can have a financial freedom. Amen.

Just-right Peer-pressure

I think things are going great also with my friend. Sometimes jealousy still come in my head that some of my friends are doing super great with their career. But no, I don’t get jealous with my married friends, I know I’m not there yet lol.

But I realise it’s not something that I need to dwell about. Comparing yourself to your peer will never be enough. Even if you got a very good career, you will always compare yourself with those who has even cooler career, especially those with privilege backgrounds. Of course they’ll get there quicker since their ladder are so much higher since they were born. The education they got, the lavish lifestyle they have since they don’t need to pay any more money for housing, cars & transportation, and even designer bags, it’s just incomparable with my situation. 

I can simply compare myself to the unfortunates but it makes me uncomfortable because by then I should give my money to the unfortunates. Since I don’t give much, I like it better to just ignore the idea that there are someone has so much worse situation than me, to make myself not to feel guilty. Capitalism is my new god, sorry. I only give things to those whom I love. 

Beside that, I think I need to focus on myself path. I need to find my own path. 

Some people are doing great with their career but take a side their love life. Some people have no other choice but to put their career above else because they don’t have other things to be spared their focus on. They might find love when they got the chance to do so, or choose to expand their focus on that later. That’s their path.

Some people are doing great with their marriage life, even if their career is still not in good track, they still need to live under their parent’s house and got monthly money from their parent to pay their kids need. But that’s the path they got. It’s not that they will stuck there forever, they will grow on their own way. 

Some people stuck on a big stone, they do not move anywhere for awhile. But they can unstuck themselves if they find the right way to climb that stone or to turn around and to find another path, so they can move forward. It’s their path. 

My path is something that I create myself, not sure if it’s intentional or not. But one thing for sure, my path is not that unique, so I don’t need to feel bad about it and to think that I took a path to failure. 

I took a path where I don’t really study hard that I got a mediocre first job, so I develop a career path myself, not by promotions from my company.  I took a path where my previous job maybe makes me had a career stuck for awhile, but I develop myself to have a certain standard to work and to live my life. My first job might make me not having much progress, but it creates a situation where I have enough savings (because they got me to save double pension funds, where can you find another company that makes you have two pension institutions?), so I can start my own business with enough capital even when I have this reckless spending money since my young age.

I took a path where I somehow always have a boyfriend, so I don’t get to do much interesting single life things. But because of that, amid corona, I don’t feel lonely, because I have him by my side. I don’t even get to worry whom I’m gonna marry when the society forces me to get married. I can simply say that I already got my man and we just need to wait the right time and enough money to have our wedding.��

So my next plan is to stay have this mindset even if I got left behind, I believe I have my own path and I don’t want to feel sorry about it ever again. Amen.

Health

I tried my best to decrease my sugar intake now. And since I got fat easier due to my age now, I also examine what I eat more thoroughly. I also work out and religiously go to wellness studio to have a good body. My body is my temple (?). I tried to avoid unhealthy lifestyle because I don’t want to pay much money when I got sick in the future. Well you never know in the future tho. But at least I tried. I still eat junk food and trans fat tho. Hopefully I can change it to healthier diet. Amen.

Now I’m tired writing, it’s already 2 hours I write this thing I guess. I’m hungry and gonna make beef curry with rice. Ttly if I got the time and effort. Can I get an amen for all my prayers above?

[topicprinter]

There are many good reasons for me to try to keep the backstory short and sweet, so at least for now I will try to spare the juicy gory details. I will make a compromise: if you are interested in more anonymized backstory, feel free to PM me if you're curious. Edit: I've utterly failed to keep it short. Hopefully, it's a little entertaining though?I am the former software engineer of a tech company which brought software and hardware solutions to market. I developed software systems while my cofounder provided customized hardware configurations. I'm being conspicuously vague here, sorry about that. I am also using male pronouns for all parties involved to protect their identities.Everything started off on the wrong foot with my cofounders. There were two of us first at around 5 years prior to series A; we self-funded our own experiments and projects, and eventually the business person came in 3.5 or so years prior to achieving series A. They helped us get more traction within the industry.What held the company together and kept us working initially was a common understanding that we were onto something big.In hindsight, the rest of the often intangible stuff that is essential to a healthy startup were quite missing. My relationship with my original cofounder had begun to sour by the time it was 2 years prior to series A.This took place for many different reasons. One of them was because at that time I had begun to dedicate somewhat less of my time to the project while returned to being gainfully employed in a full time job. Side note, until the series A event I was not paid. Indeed the third cofounder was able to raise small amounts of funding prior to the series A, but I never got a cent of it. That's not a sticking point for me anyway, but worth noting.It's also worth noting that this by itself should not necessarily directly contribute to the conflict that I had with my first cofounder. What he took issue with was that the project was his baby and I was not producing as much work for him as he had come to expect. I have not become a parent yet, but I'd imagine that the emotion is similar to that of quarreling parents in this case.A common back-and-forth talking point between myself and the first cofounder that took place was the argument from him that "I work 18 hour days to make this happen, why are you always being dismissive". I'm really not trying to misrepresent things, and I'm leaving out many instances where hostilities would flame over and vulgarities exchanged. Nobody wins in these exchanges. But this is how things were.Moving onward to around the timeline of the impending series A now, the tensions and frictions remain, they have not been addressed to any effective degree, and negotiations with the prospective investor have taken place without my involvement (although I was aware of it because my cofounders had no reason to shield me from their excitement).This timing was pretty interesting for me. This point in time was about one month after the other company that i had been working for (that I mentioned above) had failed rather spectacularly. Being a core developer there, I was already attuned to what successful startup companies really need to have in order to survive long-term: the team that I was on had all the trust and the cameraderie to make the workplace exciting, engaging, and vital, and it had the best talent we could hope for. But the market did not respond as we had hoped and the company folded. So it goes.What I had on my hands then, at the time of series A, with this vividly in my rearview mirror, was a nightmare by comparison that involved no trust, nothing to hold us together other than perhaps a healthy dose of avarice. This venture was cursed. I may not have understood it as much as I needed to at the time, but I suppose that I understand it now better than most anybody would.My choices were pretty clear and my cofounders more or less spelled it out for me. The deal was contingent on my staying on board. If I walk, the deal would fall through. I could bid for more equity or more cash. I knew, given the nature of the relationship with the first cofounder, it did not matter that my part time work was the very reason for the deal in the first place, it did not matter that I stuck with it for more than five years through countless iterations of prototypes and products to bring us to that point, nor was there any possible means to demonstrate to him (beyond what was plain to see in abundant supply) that my material contribution to the company eclipsed his to an embarrassing proportion... my choices were to take a competitive salary and get a pitiful share of equity, or take a slightly less pitiful share of equity and a living wage. I went with the former.I know that I've written far too much already. But I've come this far with it, so I need to finish it. I've provided enough painful backstory to get the point across for the genesis of all the discord. I knew in the back of my mind that the next year or two I signed up for would be painful, awkward, and that I would learn from them. So that is how I justified agreeing to it instead of walking away like I wanted to. The series A deal was a mid-single digit million amount.The next year went predictably, at least in hindsight. I was sidelined in business decisions, but I enabled the transition of the core software business to a third party development shop, who predictably were friendly and professional, and whom I thoroughly enjoyed working with. The money we raised was spent to enable removing me from the company rather than to allow me to set any direction for new innovations, and after the one year vesting cliff I was happy to remove myself from the company, and what I earned was a small fraction (1e-2 magnitude) of this company (actual shares, not options).Ever since the series A event, my fellow cofounders had been at each other's throats. They both have the lion's share of stock, at least the stock that controls the board seats, which appoint the CEO. I'll spare the specifics of the drama that has continued to take place. Musical chairs wouldn't be a poor comparison to make.For my part, I just try to do the right thing, and I think that the biggest struggle of mine is in reconciling how my well-intentioned and apparently negligent actions or lack thereof has been able to produce so much suffering.The first cofounder (now months after his ouster as a short lived member of the board) wants to buy my shares and has solicited me with an offer for cash. It is absolutely the case that with my shares he can and intends to take over the company, as he has been vying to do for the past year.My stock agreement contains a right of first refusal clause, which I understand to mean that the company can always intercept the deal to take my shares instead. It should follow, then, at least in theory, that the company (second cofounder is CEO) should not be at risk of a takeover. However it is not clear what the order of events would be, which I seem to require in order to do a bit of chess playing. If indeed the ROFR prevents my ability to directly sell my shares to facilitate first cofounder's hostile takeover, as far as I can tell, I could join forces with him to use the voting rights as shareholders to reorganize the board of directors to achieve the same. Ostensibly this gives me a disproportionate amount of control over the company, a situation that I find rather ironic.I'm motivated by a desire to leave this company behind me so that I can continue to create value for myself and my family, and in the short term, my current employer. I have done a lot of soul-searching and I have no reason to back one of these bitterly opposed parties over the other. What I did eventually realize, however, is that both of these groups share a consistent history of whatever the politically-correct phrase is for screwing me over and having their way with me.I'm not driven foremost by retribution, although I must admit that I want to teach a few lessons if I still can. Although backing cofounder #1 would be the wrong choice (given his overall ineptitude when it comes to leadership) it would allow for some (perhaps disproportionate) justice served to cofounder #2.That interesting thought experiment aside, my actual question is, how does the strategy work here? I'm sure that it comes down to lawyers interpreting our contracts, but I am hoping someone could shed some light on what the practical implications of the ROFR are.Rather than explicitly back one group over the other I'd prefer to auction my shares in order to selfishly make the best out of this situation for myself.The other valid option is to ignore the offer and hold onto my shares to sell later presumably alongside series B, as I'm currently mildly optimistic about cofounder #2's ability to execute on it now that he has managed to begin improving the relationship with the A-round investor.I also do not know if it is prudent at this time for me to retain a lawyer. It's a big bill for me if no deal comes out of it.​Thank you for reading.

[jillmckenzie1]

Almost, But Not Quite, The Abyss

If you’re a regular viewer of movies, you know you can track the seasons by the kinds of movies playing. Are the theaters jam-packed with big, loud blockbusters? You’re in summer. Do you have a wide variety of Oscar bait to choose from? Congratulations, you’ve arrived safely in the fall.

The depths of winter are when studios give up. They already released the films built to either make an assload of money or attract awards. What’s left is the cinematic equivalent of the island of misfit toys, and production companies frequently throw these redheaded stepchildren into theaters with a hasty prayer to any deity still willing to listen.

It gets a little more complex, though. I’ve found that while a good chunk of January and February movies do legitimately suck, decent films sneak in under the radar saddled with an undeservedly poor reputation. These are films made with intelligence and skill that never quite find the audience they deserve. It’s a pity, but there is an occasional upside: a theater all to myself.

And so it was that I boldly strode into my local cinema palace and found that I was the only human being there. If I so chose, I could have treated myself to a full Thanksgiving dinner. I could have tripped balls. I could have viewed the film sans pants. Guys…I did none of those things because a) I take moviegoing far too seriously* and b) my attention was grabbed by the new creature feature Underwater.

As a quick aside, did you know that space travel is easier for us than undersea exploration? I’m not arguing that it isn’t easy to die horribly in space. It is! With a complete lack of breathable air, you have perhaps a minute of survival before things go pear-shaped. I’ll take that over the alternative. The bottom of the Mariana Trench is the lowest point of the ocean, over 36,000 feet below sea level. If you’re able to make it that far down and an accident occurs, you don’t have to worry about that single minute of survival. With water pressure that’s more than eight tons per square inch, you’ll be crushed into a pink mist within picoseconds. Survive that and you also need to reckon with the alarming fact that 95 percent of the ocean floor has been unexplored. So, it sucks all the way around.

With all that in mind, it’s no wonder the heroes of Underwater barely get a moment to breathe. We’re introduced to mechanical engineer Norah (Kristen Stewart), working a job on a deep-sea oil drilling facility at the Mariana Trench. She’s not the most positive person in the world, and you kind of can’t blame her. As soon as she finishes brushing her teeth, things go straight to hell. An earthquake hits, causing catastrophic damage. The hull starts to break up, so Norah does what many of us would do-try to get outta Dodge with a quickness.

The good news is that she picks up a number of her co-workers, including Rodrigo (Mamoudou Athie), Emily (Jessica Henwick), Smith (John Gallagher Jr.) and Paul (T.J. Miller). The bad news is that one of her co-workers is T.J. Miller. The better news is that Captain Lucien (Vincent Cassel) also survived, and he’s a competent and decent enough sort that the group has a fighting chance of survival.

Or maybe not. It turns out all of the escape pods in their facility have either been demolished or used. Plan B is to suit up, take an undersea stroll to another facility a mile or so away, and utilize the pods there—if there are any left. With all that going on, they’ll discover that something else is down there with them, and it’s very, very unfriendly.

It is my pleasure to report to you that Underwater is genuinely pretty good! Permit me another quick aside, but my kid and I were fans of last year’s Godzilla: King of the Monsters. We didn’t care for the ham-fisted moments of pseudo-drama and the attempts to wring two dimensions out of one-dimensional characters.** We absolutely went cuckoo bananapants for the outstanding portrayals of kaiju demolishing everything in sight. Unfortunately, we had to wade through some garbage to get to the gold.

Director William Eubank must have heard my cries of frustration, and it’s almost as if he responded to me, personally, with Underwater. He knows why we’re watching this movie, and he does not screw around. Less than five minutes after the opening credits, there’s running, screaming, people being crushed, and assorted aquatic chaos. Jump scares are kept to a minimum, and tension is effectively developed through a combination of murky cinematography by Bojan Bazelli and Eubank’s skillful usage of geography. While the characters frequently don’t know where they are, Eubank always makes sure we know where they are and where they’re going.

The script by Eubank, Adam Cozad, and Brian Duffield is fairly solid. I appreciated that they kept the action with our primary characters and never had a superfluous b-plot about rescuers up top. I felt like there were a few too many moments of tragic character backstory, but the script never dwells on it for long. It’s constantly moving onto the next moment, and for a movie like this to work, it needs constant momentum.

The cast is a mixed bag. If I’m being honest, there’s only one problematic element, and we’ll get to that shortly. Overall, everybody is solid, with Kristen Stewart being the entirely unsurprising standout. She excels at understated and subtle performances, and as Norah, she does nice work playing an intelligent woman doing her best to get through impossible situations. I like that Stewart has been taking part in genre films, and I very much want her to continue. I also thoroughly enjoyed seeing a rare heroic performance from Vincent Cassel. He excels at playing oily aristocrats and arrogant nogoodniks, and I appreciated him shifting gears to play a guy that you would be happy to be stuck with during an underwater disaster.

The problematic element of the cast would be one T.J. Miller. Between allegations of sexual assault, calling in a bomb threat on a train, and wildly unprofessional behavior on the set of Silicon Valley, Miller is doing a bang-up job of making himself persona non grata within the entertainment industry. Bad enough that he brings a lot of baggage with him, but as far as his role in Underwater goes, it feels like he’s in a different movie than everyone else. He’s playing the comic relief here, yet his wisecracks are never terribly amusing, and he can’t quite sell the terror that everyone else is experiencing.

William Eubank has stuffed a disaster movie and a monster movie into a Brundlepod and given us Underwater. I’m saddened that the film has flopped at the box office, and I hope it finds a second life streaming or on home video. Give it a shot, since its relentless pacing and a strong performance from Kristen Stewart makes it rise above the usual debris released in January.

  *Ordinarily I get bent out of shape by people futzing with their phones and talking during a movie. When I’m the only one there? I gave myself a pass for hooting with laughter and, when a specific cast member is sucked out of his pressure suit, yelling, “HOO-BOY, THAT’S INCONVENIENT!”

**Hoping for three-dimensional characters in that movie is like hoping Donald Trump develops a conscience. It’s so vanishingly unlikely, why bother thinking about it?

from Blog https://ondenver.com/almost-but-not-quite-the-abyss/

[mysurveys]

Simple Reminders Survey

Survey #1 on the Countdown to 2018!

What could realistically be the cause of my struggle?

Right now I'm only struggling with ongoing health issues because I have shitty genetics. It's not really the direct fault of myself or anyone around me.

What do I know but refuse to acknowledge or admit?

If I really know something then I admit and acknowledge it. I'm an upfront person and a logical thinker.

What am I not doing that those who're happy and successful are?

Contentment and success are relative. I'm most often successful at accomplishing the things I want to do and I'm generally content when I'm not directly dealing with difficult health issues like I had been last year.

I'm feeling content right now in fact. I didn't get to accomplish some things I wanted to do last year, but I can still get to them.

What am I resisting?

I think I'm always somewhat resistant of negative changes that can't be corrected. I'm not accustomed to or happy with the way my mother has changed due to becoming a senior.

I'm resistant of accepting it for what it is, but I find that to be a rather typical response when you're adjusting to such things. I'm working on it.

What am I ignoring or putting off?

Nothing too important, just my usual 2016 procrastination with pastime projects. I wanted to start playing ACNLv2 on the winter solstice, but my copy arrived too late and then I had health problems. It was a rough year for many of us. I’m hoping 2017 will be better.

What could I be putting more effort, energy and focus into?

The same as above, but there are more important things for me to be doing lately. I want to get to it this year, though.

How might I be needlessly wasting money?

I'm sure I buy too many entertainment items as a borderline shopping addict due to Bipolar, but I'm able to put restrictions on myself.

Otherwise I think that I waste money on buying too many Sprite Zeroes. I'm trying to find good alternatives now that I'm seeing a nutritionist.

Where do I spend my time?

At home, hanging out with my cats, eating out, going to movies, shopping, doing things online, taking care of my nonprofit "work" and doing a variety of other hobbies and everyday responsibilities as well.

When it comes to time management, I need to procrastinate less and become more focused concerning my personal projects and their assorted goals. I'm trying to do that this year.

What am I doing with the spare hours in my day?

I'm on disability and I'm thirty, so I often have spare hours. I do the above things as well as playing video games, watching television, trying to fix my health issues, pursuing personal goals and more.

Are my days efficient and productive?

Some of them are and that's really all that you can ask of someone with my mental and physical health issues. Several of them have been recently too.

How do I react to events outside of my control?

You only control yourself -- your thoughts, feelings, actions, words, beliefs. I have very good self-control and awareness. That translates into handling situations and circumstances well.

I'm obviously not perfect, but I improve with age and I know how to both evaluate myself and fix problems that arise in my life. Some of them just take longer than others.

Do I listen and think before I speak or reply?

I'll always listen, but I had absolutely no filter in the past. I've worked on developing one. I'm not overaggressive anymore and I pick my battles even better now. I'm still working on some aspects, though.

Am I giving my body its necessary physical requirements, proper nutrition, energy and exercise?

I'm not going to exercise; I went through that hell just trying to participate in PE and I was having chronic pain issues from it. As a hypersensitive, it doesn't do me any favors.

I've found a nutritionist currently and I've already implemented some major changes to my diet, but I've only had one session with her so far.

What do I consume too much of and what might I rely on far too much?

Sodas are my number one weakness as far as consumption goes. I'm not too codependent on anyone despite needing a caregiver for things like dyscalculia and DTD, though.

I don't feel too reliant on any person or thing, which also includes my use of social media and electronics in general. I don't go online every single day for instance.

Do I give myself time to sit in silence and reflect?

I think I could do more of that despite already doing it often, but I would also include prayer.

How do I fill my mind -- with books, wisdom and education or gossip, drama and distractions?

I occasionally read an educational book, but I more often watch educational TV programs or do research online. So maybe I could do more reading this year than usual. That would be nice.

I don't gossip and I don't have much drama in my life, but I get distracted by lots of things as someone with Bipolar II. Just focusing can be difficult some days. That's something I try to work on whenever it happens.

Am I guilty of constantly comparing myself to others?

I've never been guilty of that. I'm not anyone else, so why should I try to be someone I'm not? I want to be who I truly am while also improving upon myself with age, and that's what I do.

Do I believe that everyone walks a different path and that no two journeys will be exactly the same?

Obviously. Why is this even a question? People's lives are individual experiences, but there are some things that're universal.

Morality is absolute because moral relativism is simply illogical. Only a God who's absolutely perfect can define a moral standard too. Things like that are a universally shared experience.

Do I believe I have something special and amazing to offer and give to the world?

This is also obvious. Everyone has talents and skills to offer.

Do I continue to expand my awareness and learn new things?

Of course. That's why I read nonfiction, watch educational programming, and do actual research online rather than just looking at cat videos and frequenting social media.

Most people don't do all of that these days. Many choose to ignore the need to educate themselves. I’m not like that.

Am I more focused on a steadfast goal rather than just doing and enjoying work I love?

The only "work" I do is something that I truly love and it fulfills me, but there are steadfast goals in it. They're not mutually exclusive.

Having both simultaneously is better than just focusing on something you enjoy doing or strictly being goal-oriented, honestly.

Do I have a creative outlet and how do I express myself?

I have various creative outlets when I need them. I express myself through my clothing, accessories and even my style of glasses.

And I also have taking and making surveys, adult coloring and playing video games such as Animal Crossing to express my creative, imaginative nature.

Do I tend to focus more on the problems themselves or on finding the solutions?

You have to understand the problem thoroughly before you can find an appropriate solution, but that doesn't mean you have to dwell on what's going wrong. I don't get entirely stuck like that. I also find solutions quickly.

What's the energy I bring to things, to projects and to others -- what is my vibe?

That varies. If I don't like you, I let you know. But I'm trying to be less standoffish in that way without losing my upfront nature.

I'm not overaggressive anymore, but I can be too critical. You can't be a morally sound person without being judgmental, though. That's just impossible. I make excellent judgments and I'm not afraid to use my gift of discernment.

Am I open or closed, and do I smile more than I frown?

My face is usually neutral, but I do more smiling than frowning unless my health is plaguing me. I'm a very upfront person too; I'll be open and honest with you if I'm going to speak to you. There's no point in hiding myself.

Am I more apt to love or to hate?

I don't hate anyone as person. Anyone I could hate is simply someone I don't care about. There are only a handful of people I greatly dislike.

What's my life story that I continue to tell and identify with?

You'd be stupid to think I can express my life story adequately here without writing you an entire book on it. But I'm more than the labels I place upon myself or those I have placed upon me by others.

My life story certainly isn't simple and concise nor is it complete, but it is a testament to Christ. “This is my story, this is my song.”

How's that serving me; does it drag me down or build me up?

We're all playing out a complex story of successes and failures, but our deeds aren't the key to our salvation. The most important choice in my life was accepting Christ and He builds me up through everything.

Whether I'm on calm seas or being tossed by life's storms, Christ is at my helm and He strengthens me. Otherwise I'd be dead.

Do I firmly believe my past limits what I can achieve today, or am I clinging to an excuse as something to hold accountable for my struggles and suffering other than myself; who do I blame?

A lot of my problems are just due to genetics. You can blame the devil and the original sin of mankind for that. But my past doesn't limit my future even though I do have reasonable, rational limitations.

Having dyscalculia means I'll never be excellent at math and having DTD means I shouldn't go anywhere alone. Those are realistic limitations, not the actions of my past.

Do I believe a person's past problems can be overcome?

You can't change the past, but you can make different choices in the future. It isn't always an easy thing to do, but it's not an impossibility. I often make changes to myself. You have to change to improve and grow as a person.

Do I believe that all of these are just behaviors and that everyone single one is able to be changed?

My past is more than my previous behavior, honestly, but I'm in control of myself. I'm fully capable of improving as a person.

I don't need anyone else to push me into that. No self-help guru, therapist or psychologist is going to give me a set of magical keys to becoming a better person. God and I are working on me.