#it also allowed me to cut my relationship w apps that made me feel bad... i no longer WANT to spend more than 15 min on IG/facebook/reddit

[legobabyofficial]

gotta be honest y'all ever since I got strict abt only letting myself be on my phone for 2-3 hours a day my depression got a lot easier to handle. like it did antidepressants level good for me

[sabinefm]

( bruna marquezine , cis female , peach ) welcome to aida&stefano , SABINA REUBE ! thank you for choosing to stay here. in this form it says that you go by the SHE / HER , you’re TWENTY THREE years old , you’re originally from SAN FRANCISCO , and you’ve been staying here for ONE YEAR . it also says you’re known to be + RESOURCEFUL , but also - SELFISH. that really shouldn’t be a problem though. check in at the front , hope you enjoy your stay ! (the click of heels, hot sand under your bare feet, chocolate covered strawberries, the imprints a bra leaves on your skin, red lipstick staining your fingertips )

ABOUT THE MUN.  i hope this email never finds you 

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever in my life sdjkdskj this is especially true today, rip. no but honestly, i never thought i would actually get accepted into this beautiful rp so i stalled checking acceptances cause i’m a Scaredy Cat and that made me really late, and then i ended up taking the rest of my coworker’s shift cause she had to go and thus ended up coming home even later than i thought which has made me really really late... BUT against all the odds i’m here! and ready to party! and tell y’all about my bby sabina! but first a little bit about me, i am twenty four (ew), i can’t cook (rip), and i currently spend most of my lonely quarantine days either watching anime or scrolling through tiktok. i am canadian but every canadian that meets me thinks i’m american and i don’t know why. when i was a child i had an irrational (or yk very rational) fear of sharkboy from sharkboy and lava girl, and tbh it has never left me. i was also afraid of gill from kim possible so you can imagine my horror when that fish f*cking movie won an oscar?? when i was younger i also thot god looked like king triton from the little mermaid cause he was white and he had a beard yk. it fit in my little brain. and finally i just recently discovered girl in red and therefore feel like i finally got my bi girl card,,, feeling validated in this chillis tonight. and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about me idk what will. anyways, that’s officially enough about me onto who we’re all really here for, ms sabine!

BIO.  the lengths i would go to to both get attention and avoid it... astounding  tldr ; daughter of a guy who created a dating site + app, came to a&s after leaving her husband to be at the alter after catching him cheating with her mother, wants to be a bad bitch, sometimes succeeds. 

THEN.

sabina came into the world the child of a mediocre stay at home mom and a penniless entrepreneur so it goes without saying that she had very little. her dad had a lot of passion and a lot of drive but no one would really give him a chance, and her mother kind of only married the man because she was expecting him to make it big enough for her to never have to work another day in her life so? yeah she was hella disappointed tbh 

but not sabina! she looked up to her father so much as a child. while her mom was kind of ~emotionally unavailable~ her father was too, but like at least he had a dream he believed in, yk? he wanted to help people fall in love and sabine being the big romantic she was as a child had never heard of anything so noble. her daddy was her hero. sabina honestly had big daddy’s little girl vibes until she was like 22 tkjsdkjd

one day when their family credit card got rejected one too many times sabina’s mother called it quits on yk the whole mother gig. she left sabina on a bench outside of the grocery store while she went to go home and ‘get some cash’ which even at seven sabine knew was a damn lie cause they were too broke to have any damn cash. and yeah that was the last sabina heard of her for a long ass time. it was a reverse ‘dad went to get some cigarettes’ situation but just as traumatic honestly. 

although not as much for sabine’s dad. that man literally saw his wife leaving him as a minor setback and moved on. he threw himself harder into his work, to the point where sabine barely saw him. this was the start of sabine desperately trying to compete with her father’s business for even a sliver of his attention. this was a battle she usually lost. 

sabine raised herself for a while there, since her father yk remarried his job and her mother was following the jonas brother’s cross country. she became both very independent and very lonely for a child, which was an odd combination that both haunted sabine for pretty much the rest of her life after that point and lead her to make most of her worst decisions. but that’s a story for another time, because right when all hope was lost sabine’s father won the lottery. literally. 

all at once they were five million dollars richer. they went from nothing to everything real quick. and this marked a change in the reube’s lives in a way sabine couldn’t have even imagine at the time. 

sabine’s father hector used the money to fund his business and that shit blew up! he created a site by the name of loveisblind that was in the ring with the likes of match.com and christianmingle yk, one of those dating sites. everyone on loveisblind is set up on blind dates based on the information they fill out on their profile and are only allowed to see each other when they reach a certain point of emotional intimacy. the site had wild success rates, and got very popular, blah, blah, the point was the reubes? suddenly rich af!

and you think that would give hector more time to spend with his daughter right? no. it gave hector the money to hire nannies for his daughter. 

yes, somehow despite hector no longer having to work himself to the bone, sabine saw him even less. tragic really. she really became that lonely rich girl trope real quick, and this is what unfortunately got sabine into the habit of seeking the attention she wasn’t getting from her father in other men and women, which she is not proud of. 

that unfortunately didn’t fill the void that sabine had but you know what did? making the loveisblind app so her daddy would love her. basically around the time that tinder started gaining traction and getting popular, people stopped going on the loveisblind site and started instead turning to apps. her father was trying and failing to get into that market, and sabina, being yk, actually a lot more intelligent than her father ever gave her credit for, created the app for his site and pitched it to him over his lunch one day. it was honestly one of the first times sabina can remember her father really paying attention to her in the longest time. it was also the proudest she’s ever seen him. 

the app was a big success! a whole new generation was using it and finding love, including one ms sabine reube. in the early days of the app launch sabine met her prince charming, christopher ‘kit’ johannson. he swept her right off her feet, and she fell HARD, and when they debuted their relationship it wasn’t long until they kind of became the face of the app?? like sabine’s father was the creator after all, the fact that his daughter found love on the app too was big news for a while. people followed their relationship and strived for something like that for themselves. sabine didn’t know it at the time but they were basically a walking advertisement, and her father was LIVING for that.

fast forward a bit and your girl went to yale for computer engineering and business (did her daddy’s status and money ease the way? maybe man, nepotism am i right) whilst kit went to harvard, they were long distance for a bit before they graduated and kit very publicly proposed (the whole thing was well recorded too, gotta get that gram), and then both sab and kit moved in together and both started working for their families respective companies. it was around then that sabine started to understand just how much and how often kit was cheating on her. it was a real wakeup call. 

sabine ended up breaking down to her father about her suspicions, and he basically ended up telling her to suck it up and think of the business. the fact was sabine and kit, the face of their new generation and one of the first successful couples from the app getting married and living happily ever after was amazing for the company. and the two of them calling the whole thing off just because of a little infidelity just wasn’t going to cut it. 

now once again, this is where sabine’s deep desire to be loved and accepted really bites her in the ass. this was one of the first times sabine’s father had ever really asked her for anything so... she did it. or at least she did her best to do it. she lasted until the wedding day around the time where she caught kit and her own mother (who she only invited out of a deep rooted need to actually know the woman who gave birth to her again) going at it in the coat closet of their wedding venue. yeah, at that point sabine pretty much snapped, blacked out, smashed a whole wedding cake over kit’s head, and took their honeymoon to venice on her own. she arrived at Aida&Stefano with running mascara in a ruined wedding dress trying to ask about a honeymoon suite. it was a whole mess, but you know what so is sab so at least she was on brand. 

NOW.

after sabina arrived she spent about a week mourning her failed almost-marriage and yk, destroyed family before she decided to fuck it all and reinvent herself. she desperately wanted to become someone new, someone unrecognizable from who she was before, even if it was only on the inside. so she cut her hair (the first step to every transformation) hardened everything soft about herself and made the irrevocable decision to become a bad bitch. she (mostly) succeeded. kind of. 

sabine basically curb stomped out the soft, hopeless romantic people pleaser in her and decided to become someone more unsympathetic. someone who puts her own needs first instead of burning herself up to keep others warm (cause what good has that ever done her before?). someone who people would be afraid to hurt but who wouldn’t even feel pain anyways. and to sum it up that person is a heartless bitch. or at least she tries to be.

i’m gonna stop here because this is already a lot longer than i wanted it to be and i haven’t even got to the other sections yet rip but you get the point i feel

PERSONALITY.  *feels nothing* mmm, don’t like that *feels something but like too much* mmm not a fan of that either 

most of this is tbd because i’m still developing her but

VAIN. the kind of girl who will file her nails or check herself out in the mirror while you’re talking to her. will reapply her lipstick in the rearview mirror of her car while she’s driving. checks herself out in any reflective surface, i mean i would too if i looked like bruna but Still 

KIND. even though sab tries to be a hard ass she’s probably the most loyal, generous, kind person you would ever meet deep down. like she puts on this persona of being heartless, but if anyone needs her she will be there for them. kind of hates that she’s such a softie sometimes but she can’t help it. 

EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. doesn’t want to be hurt again and will do pretty much anything to avoid that. tries to keep people at arms length especially romantically. loves making friends though, and will indeed spoil them. 

HEADCANNONS.  who wants to hire me as their maid i’m not gonna clean im just gonna wear a cute maid outfit dust like 6 things and bend down a lot

has the vibes of that drunk rich aunt that’s always smoking like sexily as she looks far into the distance and wears like a super luxurious coat. will gossip with you. will buy you things your mom won’t. will cuss out your toxic father at the dinner table. that’s her energy.

unfortunately actually does smoke. i hate 

okay fun fact, the only reason sabine went to university for computer programming and business was because she felt her father wanted her to. she honestly has no real passion for the subject and just wanted to use her talent to make her father as proud of her as he was on the day she debuted that app to him. but now that making daddy proud isn’t like the only thing occupying her entire brain sabine like is like ??? wait what do i actually want to do with my life ??? and it took her a while to figure it out but after a while she fell back on one of her passions, art. she’s actually making a graphic novel aimed towards young adults about a modern day hades and persephone vibe, kind of about a girl who falls in love with the grim reaper and the lengths she goes to to chase after her (yes it is a Lady Reaper) into the depths of hell,,, it’s wild. she’s very proud of it but also kind of shy about it tbh. her go to critic is georgio, because she knows that little shit will be honest and yk what she respects that. 

but when it comes to making actual money your girl turns to cam work most of the time, because well. at the very least it’s quick, easy, and semi discreet. and sometimes she gets something out of it too. she figures it’s a win win, and she’s been doing it for about a year now, mostly because she absolutely refuses to use any of her father’s money. 

is allergic to cucumber. 

has a different 'relationship’ like every week or so, along with a few one night stands peppered in. unfortunately still attracted to people who are bad for her (kit for example was an asshole and a cheater and DEFINITELY conservative like she messed up on that one), but is also very afraid of falling in love again and letting herself get hurt, so she normally doesn’t let things last too long before she starts self sabotaging. 

if you ever catch sabine with like... her nails growing out or her nail polish chipped, something is wrong. like something is deeply wrong. sabine will have her nails done in the middle of the apocalypse, the only reason they would be less than perfect is if she is having a breakdown. always has colour on her nails, and usually it’s a shade of red, purple, or black. 

always has wild ass stories to tell about her tinder dates or one night stands and will tell them without shame for your entertainment. is a great storyteller honestly, a talent she got from her mother but she doesn’t want to admit that. 

fun fact, her mother mariah was PISSED when hector got rich AFTER she left him and tried for years to sue him or something but no dice. she was so angry and vengeful over the whole thing that she took the opportunity of being invited to her daughters wedding to get back at her husband where it hurt, his business. thus sleeping with kit. didn’t really think about how her daughter might feel about the whole thing because she was yk blinded by rage, but that’s just how mariah is so i mean,,, rip sabina. 

shops when she’s sad, or happy, or angry, or confused sdkjdsj will use any excuse to shop, and at this point she has more clothes than she knows what to do with. her style can be kind of out there at times, but she will let you borrow things though. 

she has a cat named momo. yes that is inspired by her being the peach skeleton. also has a parrot named poe i think. i also have the urge to give her a snake but... i will resist. so sabine wants a snake for sure 

her favourite colours are black and red

she is a horrible terrible driver. don’t drive with sabine unless you’re an adrenaline junkie or like want to die tbh 

her dad 100% set up the relationship between kit and sabine as a pr stunt, but sabine doesn’t know that yet and when she finds out her father used her like that ooh boy things are gonna get wildt. as it is now sabine just thinks she disappointed him and it’s kind of eating her alive. half the reason she’s staying here is because she doesn’t want to face him or yk her old life anymore. her father is so caught up in the shame she caused him that he hasn’t even tried to call her after the whole thing and the one time sabine got hella drunk and called him all he did was tell her what a disappointment she was and ask when she was coming back to work so we love ~parenting~

WANTED CONNECTIONS. girls will “🥺🥺🥺🥺” their way out of everything

close friends please and thanks, best friends also please, uh, can i get some awkward one night stands that avoid each other at all cost, can i get a neighbour who’s ear sabine is always talking off in the hallway between their rooms even tho they just want to go home but can’t because sabine is Oversharing, maybe a flirtationship, but also i would love an enemy (it could be for a ridiculous reason or a completely valid reason but either way please give it to me), someone she goes out dancing/partying with at piccolo, a sibling like relationship, a confidante, someone who she trusts to read her comic and maybe even do some linework, and absolutely anything else okay my brain is fried rn but i want it all! please like this and i will slip and slide into your dms <3

[ohh-baekhyun]

Fallen too Far [M]

Foreword: I knew I wasn’t allowed to feel this way towards Baekhyun. He was my sugar daddy, while me? I was just his baby girl. But, when you spent nearly every day with someone like him, falling in love was inevitable. And now that my feelings were off and running, there’s no choice but to go along for the ride.

Genre: daddy kink, fluff, romance, one-shot.

[M]: whipping (ish), dirty-talk, rough sex, orgasm denial.

(gif credit : @/kamikoy)

I was in the middle of cleaning the dishes when their laughters entered the kitchen for the umpteenth time that night. My bottom lip juts forward in a pout, and I carried on scrubbing the dirty pan, more vigorously now.

Two days ago, Baekhyun’s best friend paid a sudden visit to surprise him for his birthday. Out of panic, he’d introduced me as his housemaid since he wanted to keep our ddlg relationship a secret. That was how I ended up here, in the kitchen, doing chores like a maid would.

I was hurt, of course. He could’ve introduced me as his girlfriend, or a friend at least, but a maid? Do I mean so little to him?

Sometimes, I wondered if I was still just the sugar baby to him. While he still had a headache from half the thing I did to get his attention, I knew for a fact that I made him happy, just as he made me happy too. And to me, he wasn’t just the Daddy anymore. He meant so much more than that. We’d been in this relationship for nearly six months, and when you spend that much time being pampered and coddled by someone like Baekhyun, falling in love is inevitable. No matter how hard you try to stop your feeling from growing, you just can’t, just like how you can’t stop your heart from beating.

I knew I wasn’t allowed to feel this way towards him, that was part of the agreement. If Baekhyun ever found out, my contract might be terminated and he would have to look for a new sugar baby to replace me.

Just the thought of losing him made me sick in the gut.

I suddenly felt angry at myself for letting my feeling build when there was clearly no foundation to stand on. More than that, Baekhyun had made it clear from the start that he wanted no emotional attachment between us. There was no way he’d let our relationship evolved into something more than what we had right now.

My mind was getting carried away by thoughts that I didn’t realize the plate had slipped off my grasp. Until the sound of breaking glass hit my ears, and I flinched backward in shock.

“Oh crap.” I muttered softly, my gaze dropping to the shattered glass on the floor.

“What the hell happened?” Baekhyun’s voice burst into the kitchen a second before he did. His brows furrowed when he found the wreckage I’d caused, then his gaze flew to me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, and without much thought, dropped to my knees and started gathering the mess.

“Don’t touch that—“

Too late.

Just as the words fell from of his mouth, I felt a scrape on my finger that made me wince, and my hand drawing away in reflex.

“Shit. Are you bleeding?” Baekhyun asked as he hurried towards me. “Give me your hand.” He dropped to his knees and took my hand in his for inspection. There was a splinter of glass in my forefinger and I saw blood slowly trickling around the shard. He sighed, looking at me now. “See what happens when you don’t listen?”

This was the first time he talked to me since his best friend’s arrived. Part of me was glad to finally get his attention. I’d been so deprived of it these few days. But it irked me that he was looking so unhappy.

“Why are you getting upset when I’m the one who is injured here?” I protested.

If Baekhyun was surprised by my outburst, he didn’t show it, instead his eyes softened at me in such a way that melt me through and through. “Does it hurt a lot, baby?”

He called me baby in that voice of his, it was taking every ounce of restraint to stop myself from hugging him right there. If only we were alone...

“Baekhyun oppa, is everything okay?”

And there she is...

We brought our gaze towards the owner of the voice, Jisoo. She stopped at the doorway, glancing between me and Baekhyun before landing his gaze on our hands.

“Oh dear,” she grimaced at the sight of blood on my finger. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” I gave her a small, reassuring smile. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” Baekhyun opposed with such a firm tone that it startled me, and I caught the confusion in Jisoo’s expression as she watched us.

I gave Baekhyun a look, my brows drawing together as if asking What the hell are you doing?

Much to my relief, someone’s phone started ringing. “That’s mine,” Jisoo announced before dissappearing into the living hall, leaving me and Baekhyun behind.

“Are you trying to blow our cover?” I asked in a loud whisper, glancing furtively over his shoulder to make sure no one heard us.

“You need to get your hand treated.” He said, gently pulling me up to my feet. “Get in your room and wait for me there.”

“No need. I can handle myself.” I peeled my hand away from his grasp, only to earn a warning glare from him that made me swallow in retreat. “W-what about the dishes?” I gestured towards the sink.

“I said get in your room, do you hear me?” Baekhyun said, his voice exerting dominance; his expression so deadly serious that I had no choice but to submit.

“Yes, Daddy.”

While waiting for Baekhyun, I sat in bed and checked the payment statement I’d just receive today. Uni was reopening in three weeks time, which mean my tuition fee was due soon.

I reached for my phone and clicked on the ibanking app to view my account. Once the page loaded, I blinked and blinked and blinked, surprised by the increasing digits in my savings. I didn’t have to check my transaction history to find out who the sender was. Baekhyun must’ve read the letter before I did, seeing that the envelope was unsealed when I found it on the coffee table this morning.

I felt a mixed of gratefulness and unease in my chest. Ever since Baekhyun made me his baby girl, I didn’t have to worry about not having enough to pay for my bills, rent, or anything. He made sure I had everything I needed, even things I didn’t need—frivolous things. My monthly allowance was thrice as much as my earnings back when I used to take up three part time jobs. I’d resigned as per Baekhyun’s request since he wanted me available every time he needed me, especially during the weekend. He wouldn’t meddle with my uni schedule though. In fact, he was very supportive of my study, which was why this arrangement was beneficial for me. Because not only did I get focus on my study, I get to also spend more time with Baekhyun.

However, this arrangement was a temporary thing.

Sooner or later, as much as I hate to admit it, Baekhyun would get bored of me and leave, like he did to his ex baby girls. And when the day came, I would have to take up those jobs again to fund myself. Or maybe, looked for a new Daddy to sponsor me. Though I doubt I would get over Baekhyun so easily. I’d be so heartbroken for months, years or forever maybe.

I threw my phone along with the envelope across the bed and curled on my side holding one of my plush toys. Funny how heartache can make you feel so...lifeless.

A short moment later, I sat up at the sound of the door opening. Entering the room was Baekhyun, holding a first-aid kid in his hand. He was still wearing his work attire, minus the jacket, just a white dress shirt with the top buttons undone. We stared at each other, and the softness in his gaze told me he wasn’t as upset anymore. My lips stretched up into a smile, and as soon as the door was closed and locked, I rose from the bed and scurried towards him like a puppy would when their owner returned home.

“Daddy!” I called out sweetly, my arms stretching out to pull him into a big big hug. I heard his low chuckle sounding above my head as I nuzzled my face into his chest. Two days of being mentally apart had made me so deprived of his touch; his affection; him. “I really really miss you.”

His lips brushed over my hair and he pressed a long kiss on the crown of my head. “Come on baby girl,” he whispered, “let daddy take care of your wound.”

I glanced up at him. “What if Jisoo finds out you are here?”

“She just went out.” He said, and I can’t stop my smile from widening. He chuckled at my excitement before saying, “Get on the bed.”

Feeling mischievous, I buried my face in his chest and shook my head. “Don’t want.”

“What do you mean don’t want?” He said, to which I simply giggled. “Are you trying to be naughty again?” this time he was pushing forward so I was walking backwards with my arms clinging onto his waist. Our giggles filled the room and we drew to a halt when the back of my knees touched the bed.

“Sit down.” he ordered softly.

I peered up from his chest, smiling sweetly at him and asked, “Can I sit on Daddy’s lap?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Where’s your please?”

“Please?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

Baekhyun eventually gave a mild nod in approval. I beamed as he lowered himself on the bed, setting the kit aside before tapping on his thigh to motion me to sit. But as soon as I sat my bum on his lap, he faked a low groan in the back of his throat. “Ugh, so heavy.”

“Daddyy!” I whined, pushing at his chest playfully. “You’re so mean.”

He simply grinned as he extended a hand towards me. “Let me see your hand.”

I gave him my injured one and he held it up to his eye level to examine. Though the cut was deep, the blood around the gash has dried up, so it wasn’t as painful anymore.

“I just need a plaster.” I told him.

He shook his head as he stared at my finger. “Daddy needs to clean your wound before it gets infected.”

My face turned pale at that. “Are you going to use that...uh...that liquid thingy that stings a lot?”

Baekhyun chuckled at my description, staring at me now. “Peroxide you mean?”

I made a pout with my lips. “It’s going to hurt so bad.”

“I know, baby.” He sighed, eyes filled with concern at my apparent distress. “Just bear it for a while, okay?” I gave a meek nod, and he smiled softly at me. “Good girl.”

I tried not to cower while watching Baekhyun dug into the first-aid kit as he gathered things he needed to dress my wound. He looked at me again once he was done soaking the cotton ball. I was already grimacing before it even started. His free hand came to rest on the back of my head and he caressed me there, “I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

With reluctance, I offered him my hand and looked away when I saw that he was about to start. Shortly after, I felt the cotton gently swapping over my finger. It didn’t hurt at first, but as soon as the liquid penetrated into my skin, I felt the painful sting that made me squeeze my eyes close and winced. Tears began to well in my eyes, and with another swap, they rolled down my cheek like a waterfall. I buried my face in his chest as I weep quietly.

“I’m almost done.” Baekhyun murmured, brushing of his thumb over my palm to soothe me. The pain was beginning to ease, and my crying was slowly drawing to a halt. I kept my face planted in his hard chest to hush my shuddering gasps. After he was done wrapping a plaster around my finger, his arms went around me and I felt his soft lips on my temple as he pressed a kiss there. “It’s okay now.” He whispered.

I lifted my head to reveal my tear-streaked face. He chuckled, shaking his head at me as he cupped my cheek with both hands, “You’re like a baby, you know?” he teased, wiping away the remnant of tears that lingered under my eyes.

“But I am your baby.” I argued lightly.

“You’re right.” he huffed with a soft smile on his face. “My naughty little baby.”

I wrinkled my nose at him without disagreeing because he wasn’t wrong. I can be very naughty sometimes.

Baekhyun continued brushing my wet cheeks with his thumbs, his warm eyes studying every inch of my feature. But later, as if something struck him, he narrowed his eyes at me. “You can’t be doing this deliberately to get my attention, right?”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Did you hurt yourself on purpose?”

My frown deepened. “Why would you say that?”

He lifted his brows to his forehead, “You’ve pulled this stunt before, remember?”

Ah...right...

I’d once faked a sickness just so he would take the day off to take care of me. He had an important meeting that he cancelled because of me. I remembered how furious he was when he found out I was lying. My buttcheek paid a high price for that mistake and the lesson was received loud and clear.

Baekhyun tapped on my cheek to pull me out of my daze. I blinked at him, and presently, his expression had grown more serious. “Did you or did you not hurt yourself on purpose?” He asked again.

I sulked, looking away unhappily. Although he has every right to be suspicious since it happened before, my feeling was still hurt because he didn’t trust me.

At my prolonged silence, he grunted. “Are you going to answer or do I have to put you over my knees to find out?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, it was an accident.” I mumbled reluctantly, still not looking at him.

“I can’t hear you, little one.”

In the heat of the moment, I threw him a glare. “I told you it was a fucking accident! Are you deaf or something?” I yelled, not realizing what I’d done until I saw the fierce, warning look on Baekhyun’s face. Oh God. I pressed my lips together and dropped my gaze submissively. The silence that stretched made my heart thrummed with fear. I felt his gaze on me even though I wasn’t looking at him. He must be thinking of a severe punishment for me, knowing how much he hated it when I cursed.

And I was right...

“Get up.” He ordered, and I scrambled off his lap in no time. Once I was standing up, he stared up at me. “Clothes off and stand against the wall. You have five seconds.”

Baekhyun began the countdown as I hurried to do as told. The second he hit one, I was already standing with my back against the wall, bare-skinned from head to toe. He pierced his dark gaze onto me as he bent forward to rest his elbows on each side of his knees. I gulped, and my fingers started to fiddle with themselves. The man might look calm on the outside, but the dark aura he exuded told me he was anything but. He was so fucking pissed, I can tell.

“Tell me what you did wrong?” He started gruffly, his eyes never left mine.

“I raised my voice at Daddy.” I admitted.

He raised his brows. “That’s all?”

“–and curse too.” I added.

He hummed. “Tell me how should Daddy punish you then?”

“You…” I hesitated, “you should spank me.”

Baekhyun chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head in disagreement. “I don’t think spanking works anymore.” He lift himself off the bed and stalked toward me. “You’ve been spanked so many times yet you never seem to learn your lesson.”

I gasped when he started unbuckling his belt in front of me. God, is he going to whip me with that? Although Baekhyun had always been strict with his punishments, he had never used a tool to hit me before. My punishment had always been a spanking, or sometimes he’d make me come so many times I had to beg him to stop because I couldn’t take it anymore—something he called overstimulation. I don’t know if I can handle being whipped.

“D-daddy…” I whimpered when he looped the leather around his hand. He looked at me again, and my heart rate accelerated in that second. “Are...are you going to hit me with that?” I asked timidly.

He hummed, and I let out a shaky breath when he swayed his hand back in preparation. “Next time you think about misbehaving again,remember this—” He grunted, whipping the leather strap across my thigh with force, causing me to cry out in pain.

His own breathing was heavy, and he had his lower lip caught in between his teeth as he daggered his dark gaze into mine. Is it wrong to think to think that he looked so hot when he is angry? Is it wrong for me to be turned on right now? I felt a little giddy inside, and I can’t help the growing slickness in between my legs.

“Does it hurt?” he asked me, and I gave a timid nod. “Good,” He said, swaying his hand back again. “That’ll teach you not to be so fucking rude to your Daddy.” He drew in a sharp breath before swinging his hand forward again. I shut my eyes close and whimpered at another hard slap that landed on the side of my thigh.

There’s a beat of silence afterwards, and I kept my eyes closed. But they flew open in a snap when I felt a rough grip on my chin. One blink at his handsome feature, our body collided and his mouth came slamming down on mine. His tongue swept into my mouth, and he made a low grunt in the back of his throat as he bit down on my lip. Hard. The pain made me whimper, and his grip around my chin grew tight. His mouth tugged at my upper lips, and he sucked on the flesh before thrusting his tongue through my opening to attack mine. There was nothing gentle about the kiss and as strange as it sounded, I was so immensely turned on by this. I grabbed onto his biceps, holding on for dear life as his mouth continued to assault mine.

Much to my discontent, Baekhyun broke the kiss and drew back to meet my eyes. We were both breathing heavily, and I watched him as he began unwinding the belt that was wrapped around his hand. Is he done with me? I thought to myself.

As if answering my silent question, Baekhyun seized my hand and began fastening the strap my wrists. “Lift your arms.” He ordered once he was done tying me up. I was puzzled, but I did it anyway. He then pushed his knee in between my thigh and nudge them apart, all the while staring at me. “I’m not done punishing you.”

I shivered at the way his gaze smoldered for me, like he was angry and turned on both at the same time. I expected my punishment to be a spanking, instead, he slipped a hand in between my legs and without warning, pushed two fingers into my wet cunt. “Daddy...” I moaned, my walls clenching tightly around his thick digits.

“Fucking slut,” He bit out harshly. “Did you enjoy being punished that much, huh?” He withdrew his fingers slowly and lift it up to show me his juice coated digits. “See how bloody wet you are?” I visibly blushed, and that made him sneer. “Open your mouth.” He commanded. And when I complied, he brought his fingers closer to my opening. “Suck it clean.” 

Like an obedient pet that I was, I did as he told me to. Tilting my head just slightly, I took his fingers into my mouth and flicked my tongue around them to lick away my own wetness. I felt a little scandalized at the fact that I was tasting myself, but I can’t deny how insanely hot this actually was.

Baekhyun gnawed on his bottom lip as he watched me, his pupils dilating at the sight of me sucking on his fingers so eagerly like they were his cock. His own breathing was growing heavier by the second, and as if his control snapped, he withdrew his fingers abruptly and dived in to kiss me again. Just like before, his kiss was rough and punishing. However it didn’t last long this time. I whined in protest when our lips detached, which resulted in a hard slap across my breast that caused me to yelp.

“Quiet.” Baekhyun growled, and I had to clamp my lips together to stifle my whimper. “I told you I’m not done punishing you.” He said. His other hand went to unzip his pant, pulling it down so his erection bobbed freely.

I gulped, my inner walls clenching and unclenching on its own accord at the sight of his thick cock.

“Eyes on me.” He ordered, and I lifted my gaze to meet his fierce one. He stepped closer and moved a hand up to rest on the nape on my neck, his thumb applying a light pressure to my windpipe. I choked slightly, and held my breath when he positioned his cock to my pussy, “You are not allowed to come unless I said so.” He said, rubbing my wet slit with the tip. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” He barked.

I drew in a shuddering breath before muttering, “Y-yes, Daddy.”

With that, Baekhyun grunted and slammed his cock into me with such strength, my head flew back against the wall with a loud cry. He hissed through his clenched jaw at the way my walls squeezed tightly around his thick length. “Always so tight for Daddy.” He leaned in to press his lips against mine while his cock withdrew slowly. He gnawed on my lower lip, tugging at it before letting go and burying his cock deep in my pussy again. I let out a long moan, tears teasing my eyes at the sweet pain he was granting me.

“Tell me who’s this pussy made for?” He whispered huskily over my lips. 

“Daddy,” I whispered back in a shaky breath. “Just for Daddy.”

“That’s right.” He pulled out of me again. “It’s made just for Daddy to fuck.” He growled and thrust all the way in, filling my cunt with his thick shaft. I screamed in pleasure and my mind went blank for a beat. “Do you like having Daddy’s cock in your pussy like this?”

When I gave a jerky nod, his lips twitched into a dark smirk and he put more pressure to his grip around my neck. I gasped softly, and he began ramming his cock in and out of me, grunting hard with each thrust. My breasts bounced freely, and he dipped in to take my nipple into his mouth, sucking and flicking his tongue around my bud. It wasn’t long until my inner muscle started to throb around his dick at the heightened pleasure.

“D-daddy...” I moaned. “Can I–can I cum? Please?”

“Don’t you dare cum.” He warned, clenching his jaw tightly as he continued pounding into me mercilessly. The slick noises of his cock leaving and entering my wet cunt blended with the sound of our lewd moans. If someone was home, they’d be able to hear us loud and clear.

When my arms started to turn sore, I dropped them so they were circled around Baekhyun’s neck with my wrists still tied together. He bent down to carry my wobbly legs, wrapping them around his hips before pistoning into my wet cunt again. I cried out loud. This new position caused the tip of his cock to hit me precisely on my sweet spot. I was on the verge of my orgasm, I can feel it. And it felt like the knot in my stomach could snap anytime soon.

“Daddy, I-I can’t take it anymore, please let me cum...please.” I begged desperately, not able to withstand it any longer.

“No.” He rebuffed in a low growl, his length sliding out of me abruptly, causing the building pressure to fade away. I whined. “Only Daddy gets to cum today. That’s your punishment for being naughty.”

And Baekhyun meant what he said about not letting me cum. Over the next hour, he continued pounding his dick into me senselessly. I’d lost count of the number of times he orgasm inside me, and the number of times he denied my orgasm. My womb was so loaded with his cum, they were dripping out of my pussy and down my thighs. I felt full, yet unsated. It was frustrating. A damn torture.

We migrated to the bathroom once Baekhyun was done fucking my brain out without letting me cum at all. I sat on the toilet seat cover, facing him who was kneeling on one knee in front of me. He held a washcloth in his hand, and he glanced up at me while wiping away the remains of cum on my chest. I raised my brows at him because he was giving me a very long stare. Seemed like he was contemplating something in his mind, so I waited.

“I’ve been thinking,” He finally started, “Maybe you should go somewhere for a while.”

What? Go somewhere? I blinked at him, puzzled. And my mind went to the worst scenario. “Are you trying to get rid of me?” I asked in a frown.  

His brows furrowed. “Don’t be silly, little one.”

“Then?”

“I just thought you should go on a trip...enjoy yourself before uni starts again.”

“Where would I go?”

He shrugged. “Anywhere you want. Daddy will pay for it.”

“Will Daddy come with me too?” I gazed at him expectantly.

He shook his head. “I can’t. I have work to do.”

My shoulders deflated in disappointment. Why did I even bother to ask? The answer was always the same. I can’t. I’m busy. We can’t be seen together. He wouldn’t even go on a dinner or movie date with me. Our dates were always here, in his penthouse. It had been six months yet I still had no clue what Baekhyun did for a living. He could be a serial killer or a drug lord, who knows? He was very secretive when it comes to his personal life, and it sucks that he knew literally everything about me yet I knew almost nothing about him.

But who am I to complain? I am just his sugar baby, his toy to play with, nothing more. And it’s killing me that I love him, but I can’t have him. 

[bluesfm]

(  park  chaeyoung  ,  twenty two  ,  &  cisfemale  )  who  ?  these  days  ,  it’s  all  about    blue hyong,  who  comes  from    los  angeles  &  ca    and  is  making  headlines  as  a    singer    .    she   currently  has  a  fan  count  of  42k    ,  no  thanks  to  the  rumors  of  them  being  inflexible  !  but  ,  on  the  other  hand  ,  their  most  devout  fans  say  they’re  actually    imaginative    .  last  i  heard  ,  they  caused  quite  a  buzz  when    she   publicly   dissed    her  new   record    label  and   the   misogynistic  treatment   she  was   receiving   from   their  reps  !  it’s  no  wonder  they  remind  me  of    long   rants   in  the  notes  app   being  posted   to  her   twitter  account  ,  empty  bottles   of  wine  laying  at   recording   studios’   floors   &  notebooks   upon  notebooks   filled  with   lyrics   she  might   never  use   but   refuses   to   let   go  of   .  

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a  dumb  noodle  from  the  middle  of  the  south  american  jungle  , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue  who’s  a muse i have had  for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the  same  messy  bitch  on the  inside  don’t  worry  folks !  so   i  will   provide  u w/  some  background  info  on   her  n  some   possible connections  under   the  cut . issa  lil messy  but  we’ve   been  away  for  a while   pls  bear  w me

blue  is  the  only  daughter  to  a  couple   of  south  korean  immigrants  that  came  to   america  when  they  were  in  their  very  early  20s  n  already  expecting  blue  in  order  to  chase  the  american  dream  n  create  a  better  life  for  themselves  n  their  family  .  their  life  was  pretty  hard  for  a  big  part  of  blue’s  childhood  ,  while  they  were  both  studying  n  working  odd  jobs  to  pay  for  their  education  all  the while  taking  care  of  a child .  so  blue  didnt  have  the  best  childhood  ,  not  that  her parents  were  bad  or  anything  they  just  didnt  have  time  for  her  . nowadays  ,  they  are  a  lot  more  comfortable  in  life  ,  since  her  dad  became  a  lawyer  n  her  mom  is  a  nurse  ,  but  they  definitely  didnt  have  an  easy  beginning  .

ok  so  maybe  bc  they  werent  present  durant  most  of  her  childhood  they  didnt  notice  a  lol  of  signs  that  might  have  made  things  a  lot  easier  for  them  ,  bc  by  the  time  they  were  available  to  emotionally  be  there  , during  her  early  teenage  years ,  blue  was  already  kinda  a  mess . she  had  grown  up  w  very  lil  structure  n  refused  the  rules  they  tried  to  instill  on  her  n  was  already  used  to  doing  things  her  own  way  .  that  lead  to  a  lot  of  conflict  between  them  ,  since  they  expected  her  to  study  hard  n  do  well  for  herself  in  a  nine to fiver  when  she  was  already  sure  art  was  the  only  way  to  go  n  while  she  did  ok  ,  she  definitely  wasn’t  as  good  as  her parents  expected  her  to  be .

so  ...  u  know   her  teenage  yrs  were  basic  girl  angsty  she  fought  a  lot  w  her  parents  n  rebelled  frequently  n  ran  away  from  home  like  ...  weekly  ,  but  she  never  rly  had  any  real  hardships  .  life  was  reasonably  good  but  she  always  had  something  to  complain  abt  ...  just  as  she  liked

[  MENTAL  ILLNESS  TW  ]

but  then  she  reached  her  late  teens    they  all  realized  there  was  something  going  on  other   than  the  usual  teenage  angst  she  displayed  all the time  when  she  had  her  first  manic  episode  .   her  parents  thought  it was  a  “  blue  thing  “  at  first  bc  she  was  usually  a  very  impulsive  person  n  she  rly  didn’t  have  a  habit  of  thinking  before  acting  on  her  impulses  ,   but  her  mom  quickly  noticed  the  signs  of  a  manic  episode  when  she  realized  how  aggitated  n   restless  she  was  , specially  when  blue  described  an   hallucination  she  seemed  to  be  having  .   they  took  her  to  a  psychiatrist  ,  she  was  admitted  to  a  hospital  n  diagnosed  w  type 1  bipolar  disorder  n  very  quickly  medicated .  while  the  medication  brought  her  out  of  her  episode  ,  n  she  was  allowed  to  go  home  after  her  mood  seemed  to stabilize  ,   blue  also  noticed  it  stunted  her  severely  emotionally  n  decided  (  against  medical  n  parental  advice  [  pls  dont  do  it  fam  !!  take  ur  meds  ]  )  to  quit  her  medication  ,  falling  into  her  first  major  depressive  episode  a  few  weeks  afterwards  . n  for  abt  four  years  she’s  been  living  w  her  disorder  ,  n  she  doesn’t  medicate  at  all  .  she’s  super  open  abt  her struggles  n  she  has  a  Lot  of  them  ,  specially  w  how  much  drugs  n  alcohol  she  consumes  .   i  never  said  she  was  smart  yall  .

[  END  OF  TW  ]

ok  so  as  u  probably  assume  ,   blue  is  an  emotional  mess  .  she  has  a   very  chaotic  personality  ,  n  most  of it  isnt  even  from  her  illness or  anything  she  just  is  a  very  chaotic  person  in  general  ?  she  is   one  of  those  artsy  ppl  who  forgets  to  wash  her  own  clothes  so  she  ends  up  wearing  the  same  dress for  like  ,  3 days .  she’s  super  outspoken  n  outgoing  n  rly easy  at  making  friends  if  u  can  get  past  the  dumbass energy  she  exudes 24/7  ?  but  yes  just  a  very  outgoing  person  n  a  outright  mess  most  of  the  time  .  she  is  also  soooo stubborn  u  will  never  get  her  to  change  her  mind  abt  smth  she  believes  to  be  right  about  in  any  way  .  u  just  cant  .  she  loves  a  good  time  n  loves  partying  n  is  the  lack  of  impulse  Queen  soo if  u  got  any  bad  ideas  she  is  the  one   u  should  go  for  if  u  need  any  company  .  also .... so dramatic  .  she  makes  a  big  deal  of  everything  n  has  0  apologies  abt  that  .  just  catch  her  crying  over  high  school  musical  3  or  smth  like  that  .

but  yea  on  the  bad  side  tho  ,  blue  takes  up  n  gives  up  on  projects  so  easily  n  she  can  be  super  fickle  abt  things  in  general  .  like  ,  she  will  defend  an  idea  for  7  hours  but  2  days  later  she’s  already  onto  smth  else  n  doesnt  even  remember  being  so  obsessive  abt  that  other  thing  ?  a  mess .  is  also  Quite  abrasive  ?  if  she  thinks  ur  acting  dumb  shes  not  gonna  be  scared  to  call u  out  on  it  .  can  also  have a  Reaally  explosive  temper  .  not  usually  but  specially  during  manic  episodes  she  can  be  quite  easy  to  annoy  ngl  .  is  very  unreliable  ,  especially  if ur not  too  close  ..  tbh  that  is  something  connected  to  her  disorder  .  when  she’s  on  a  manic  episode  ,  she  will be  too busy  planning  things  she  will  never  get  around  to  doing  or  painting  her  entire  house  or  spending  3  days  awake  n  drunk  writing  17  songs  by  herself  .  n  during  her  depression  is  very  hard  to  get  her  to  do  anything  n  even  if  she  feels  terrible  , she  rly  cant be  an  available  friend  .

in  regards  to  her  sexuality  ,  she’s  an  open  bisexual  and   also  is  a  crazy  romantic  n  falls  so  hard  for  literally  no  reason .  but  like  ...  doesnt  have  the  healthiest  mentality  for  relationships  ?  not  like  in  a  toxic  way  but  she  will usually  give  145%  of  herself  at  all times  n  honestly  believes  all  of  the  ppl  she  falls  for  are  the one (1)  just  wants  to  make  things  work  no  matter  what  .  she’s  v  impulsive  w/  meeting  n  falling  for  ppl  tho  so  things  dont  rly  end  up  working  n  she  always  ends  up  heartbroken  over it  .  Well  .  At least she’s  trying  right  ?

in regards  to  her  career  n  art  , she’s  posted  youtube  covers  n  original  songs  for  a  couple  years  and  gathered a  decent  following  ?  she  wasnt  huge  or  anything  but  she  did  get  a  record  deal  w  an  actual  big  label  out  of  it  a  few  months  ago  .  blue  was  pretty  happy  abt  it  but  then  when  the  recording  process  started  she  realized  they  werent  treating  her  as she  thought  she  deserved  at  all  ?  which  resulted  on her  taking  her  thoughts  to  some  reps  of  the  label  n  when  she  didn’t  feel  any  difference  in  the  way  she  was  being  treated  she  took  it  to  the public  ?  which  definitely  caused  quite a  sitr  bc  she  wasn’t  a  huge  name  but  she  was  big  enough  ?  so  now  she’s  in  some  considerable  trouble  w  her  label  but  Also  more  famous  than  ever  so  they  are  choosing  not  to  bury  her  for  now  ?  she’s  in  some  definite  trouble  though  so  it’ll  be  fun  to  see  what  happens  next  n  what  her  moves  will be  ?  spoiler  alert :  it’ll prob  be  smth  dumb.

i  still have  so  much  to  say  but  i’m  so lazy  wow .  dont  start  ur  intros  so  close  to opening  time  folks  thats  my  tip  as  an  old  internet  auntie  .  OK SO  ONTO  SOME  CONNECTIONS  NOW  

some label  mates  who  she  may  or  may  not  get  along  with  ?

hookups !!  she  prob  has  a  few  she  regrets  too   bc  who  doesnt  am i  right

best  friends !!  ppl  who  actually  support  her  n  she  loves  w  no restrictions  just  love  all  around  friends

exes </3  not  gonna  lie  i  have  some  sad  ideas  abt  this  one

good  influence  bc  blue  is  a  mess she  needs  one  of  those  pls  someone  slap  her  head  n  make  her  drink  some  water

a  fling  she  has  feelings  for  but  may  not�� be  requited  ...  i  like  my  romantic  connections  to  be  angsty  did yall  notice

artistic  soulmate  !!  someone  her  artistic  bitch  side  just  vibes  with  ?  could  be  a  songwriter  or  singer or  anything  tbh

some   indecisive  romantic   shit where blue rly  knows  sh’s  too messy  n  this  person  is too amazing ?  but  they still  have  feels  so   ... now  what ?

this is  p  mcuh  it ??  it  has  taken so long  to  finish  this  i  hate  myself  but  HEY  if  u  like  blue  or  dislike  her  u  should  hit  me  up  so  we  can  come  up  w  some  plot  ideas  ?  i wish  i  had  a  quirky  goodbye  idea  but  my  brain  has  just  quit  working  guys  so  u  get  nothing  from  me  other than  a  good  old  fashioned goodbye  thanks  for ur  attention  i  love u

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 13th, 2020

Fell asleep around 3 am. Woke up at 5 for a walk. According to app: I walked for 27 minutes, I burned 302 calories, I walked 1.81 miles.

Weighed self before shower. 201.4 lbs.

Plans for the day:

-Cook breakfast

-Shopping at Wal-m@rt

-Shopping at Sp0rtsman's W@rehouse

-Cleaning room

-Cook chicken

-Wash bra

Remember. Allow myself to breathe. To slow down, think, reflect. Don't rush. Don't rust.

*

Breakfast was two scrambled eggs plus a glass of cranapple juice. Making the eggs was fun. I heated up a little bit of oil before cracking the eggs right into the pan. Then I broke the yolks and stirred with chopsticks. I then added a splash of heavy whipping cream and kept stirring until it was cooked, then added a splash of soy sauce. I topped it with a sprinkle of triple cheddar cheese after getting it onto my plate. Eating eggs with chopsticks is hard.

*

Parents are already arguing. Dad rushed Mom to get ready and Mom told him that I should have been the one rushed. Which means I didn't get to brush my teeth... I barely even got to put deodorant on. And these people wonder why I have bad teeth.

Remind me why I elected to be home with them for four weeks.

*

Wal-m@rt was blegh. When isn't it. Mom keeps complaining about wearing masks. Dad is getting more and more annoying. "What's wrong with Mom?" He asks as she grabs toothache medicine, as if he didn't just take her to the dentist Tuesday. His shirt is ridiculous. She's on her... "woman time." Aunt Flow. Whatever. I am too and I'm not cranky. Tension is high and all I wanted was to relax. "Why waste gas going all the way home then coming back to Sp0rtsman?" Well Dad we just bought chilled and frozen food AND Mom needs the bathroom.

Why do I feel like this was a mistake?

Can I really change myself when I live with these anchors?

*

Damnit. I bought a Loca Moca Monster instead of Mean Bean because I was rushing. At least I feel like I can move fast in these shoes. And I hope my chicken idea works out (cutting holes in a lemon and stuffing the chicken with it, putting zest and juice and rosemary on top).

*

At least Sp0rtsman's went well. Ish. I bought myself a new archery target, a real good $40 official one that I can practice broadheads on once I get em, along with my field tips. Dad said I could bring my bow with us tomorrow to shoot it. I'm... actually excited. I only pray nothing bad happens once I return home... this dread is going to forever linger in my heart after losing Mo. It's been nearly a year since I even held a gun, nearly a year since I lost her. I haven't been able to disconnect the correlation. Going shooting with Dad = tragedy upon returning home. Sigh.

I got some salmon jerky. Holy hell it's delicious. I got a pheasant stick and an elk stick too (and a matchstick holder). Pepper lingers in my throat from the jerky. But I don't regret it. I run my tongue over the spots it touched in my mouth and savor the feeling.

My left knee has been giving me grief since I woke up. Walking uphill was a challenge on it. It hasn't hurt at all before this morning. Did I sleep wrong in the two hours I slept? My right ankle is also hurting now. My legs are falling apart. "Weight," Mom blames. But I'm getting worse as I'm losing more. I don't understand.

We passed a field of sunflowers across from the Avenue. It was absolutely gorgeous. I wish I could run in it, no, walk in it. Take my time. Feel the petals, feel it all on my skin. Come home dusted in pollen and smiling.

I wasn't the only walker this morning. There was a woman, she must live at the top of the hill. I couldn't see her face since it was still so dark. Is she still thinking about me like I'm thinking about her? She was a speedwalker, didn't ignore cul-de-sacs. I wonder if I'll see her again tomorrow morning.

I miss girls. I have a fiancé and I've been with him for over three years. I love every inch of him, every bit. Yet my brain still lingers on the beautiful powerful girls I see. Especially one I work with, a girl with tattoos in Hawaiian. She... she is amazing. I think of her perhaps too much. I think of my insanely tall male coworker too much as well. Working close with people in a physically exhausting environment lets you see the true strength of those around you. I have no desire to cheat. My fiancé knows every thought I bear towards others. He knows I miss girls. He knows I yearn for a healthy poly relationship. I miss how soft I can be with girls, I miss how soft her lips were as we made out in the Color Guard Room in high school. I think often of my wlw OC ships with my friends. I wonder if its too often.

*

My brain wants to say that the day is over. I've been awake for five hours already. I want a nap but it's not even lunch time and I'm hungry. Maybe I can disappear into my room with a trash bag. Maybe I can zone out while I cook chicken. I need to gather a load of laundry. I need need need to do so so so much. It's overwhelming. And if I dare take a nap, I've "wasted the day." Thanks Mom. Thanks anxiety.

*

A nap til 11 sounds nice. Short. Sweet. More energy. Relax. Wake up to make lunch. Also. Pheasant stick. SUPER SPICY. ow.

*

Well. I slept til 12. No guilty vibes from Mom. She ate Cheetos Mac n Cheese - I had a bite and damn it was tasty. My lunch was ramen, with half a beef seasoning packet, a dash of Smoky Mountain Rub, and a splash of heavy whipping cream.

Ripley has come over and started kneading on Mom. Mo got extremely cuddly before... no, Sunshine, don't make the connection. Just. Don't. Ripley is healthy. She may be missing an eye but she's full of life. Sure she is kinda biting her hair out but she's doing that instead of scabbing up like me and Panda from the fleas. She essentially gave herself the sanitation trim that groomers will give cats.

Watching videos from Sturgis just makes me want to leave even more. I want to be gone. Away from Tennessee. Away from this life. Sigh. Some day, I say for the millionth time.

"Someday is something people say when they really mean 'never.'"

*

Cooked chicken. Watching YouTube. Ate shepherd's pie for dinner. Am trying to find my allen wrenches for my bow but I've lost them completely so I'm tearing apart my room.

*

No luck on the wrenches. They must not be in here. But then, where are they?

I painted my nails! My legs are so itchy. I yearn to eat more of my chicken thighs. But I can't. They must be sliced for enchiladas along with chicken and rice. Le sigh. I hope this nail polish lasts a while.

How do such little scabs bleed so much?!

I hope I sleep well tonight. But, knowing me and rp, it won't happen.

[st0ned-butch-blues]

new year, new me (for real this time)

2017 was absolutely the worst year of my life. But I have this weirdly strong gut feeling that 2018 will be a pivotal moment for me, and honestly I’ve never gone into a new year with this much optimism and willingness to grow and change. Here’s a long ass post for me to list out all the shit I want to work on and to just get all the clutter out of my head. This is the first time I’ve really set new year’s resolutions so yay me.

~2018 Resolutions~

1. Be healthier physically and mentally

Try to go to bed 1 am at the latest or get at least 7 hours of sleep.

No more binge eating vending machine snacks to replace meals.

tbh exercise is not realistic, but at least try not to be sitting 24/7 aka get off yo ass!!

Work on self-love. Put in the effort to dress nice so you feel more confident about yourself. Take more photos and maybe even post them on social media instead of being so hypercritical of your body.

But also it’s okay to be ugly?? Your worth is not tied to your beauty, and fuck a society that pressures women to be “beautiful” 24/7.

Remove the internalized shame you have against being sexually active (with yourself and with others), esp as a woman. You probably won’t be ready for the idea of casual sex. So first work on confronting your sexual trauma, getting over your trust issues, and trying to love your body the way it is. Maybe try masturbation as a solution towards healing your unhealthy relationship with sex??

Be better about self-reflection and capturing memories both good and bad (maybe actually commit to journaling for once) Allow yourself to feel things and talk about your emotions with others.

Develop healthier coping mechanisms when you’re having bad mental health days.

Animals give you so much sheer joy, so find a way to reintroduce animals in your life now that Izzie is gone. Maybe volunteer at the Humane Society. Being around animals will do wonders for your mental health.

2. Improve your social life

Be more involved SOCIALLY in clubs. Yes, you have a bunch of board positions and help w logistics and programming, but actually make an effort to socialize with the people in your clubs.

Tell your social anxiety to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. People don’t hate you. Branch out and make friends.

But also be a better friend to the ones you do have. Also stop being such a passive friend. Ask your friends to hang out, facetime, grab a meal, watch a movie, etc. Make a list of fun activities to do with friends!!

Fuck. Cishet. Boys. They are the biggest reason you’re as fucked up as you are right now, so you really need to take a break. Stop seeking validation from them and love your-fucking-self.

Instead, be more gay!! #happy20gayteen

But actually tho. You finally having the freedom to explore your queer identity. You’re not tied down by an unhealthy relationship and you’re an out and proud bi girl (at least in college). Find your queer community because THOSE ARE YOUR PEOPLE.

Stop obsessing over the idea of being in a relationship. That’s been your unhealthy security blanket for 3-4 fucking years and you need to learn how to love yourself independent of being in a relationship. Plus, you’re in such a shitty shape that it just wouldn’t be fair for anyone to date you rn. Stop being a hot mess and then just let a relationship come to you. If it happens it happens, and if it doesn’t, wait till there’s actually a decent dating pool when you move back to the west coast LOL.

3. Get your academic shit together. Plan for your future career/life.

Officially decided not to transfer. But be careful about falling into periods of depression. Try to not just survive, but find ways to be genuinely happy at Colby. Be productive, but in a healthy way.

Fuck grades. Learn for the sake of learning.

But also learn how to be a good student just to build good work habits. (buy the Forest study app since you’re highly motivated to help others and the planet more than you are helping yourself lmao... fight climate change while studying to fight climate change!!!!)

On that note, don’t skip class. It only makes you fall behind and anxious about your teachers hating you. (newsflash: they don’t!!)

Develop better relationships with teachers, don’t be afraid to interact with them just because they’re an authority figure.

Be the good student that you know you are. Don’t be afraid of failure or looking dumb. Participate in class! Ask those stupid questions! Get help when you need it!

Get back into reading and then take notes on significant findings/quotes cause you know your ADHD brain will forget. You got a nook and made a book list on goodreads, so that’s a good first step!

Create more content (photos, videos, documentaries, podcasts, make a list of projects you want to work on)

Watch more content (documentaries, maybe podcasts, and also tv shows/movies for fun)

Also clean up your personal blog, your tag system is a hOt mEsS

Continue learning more about environmental justice, sustainable agriculture, and food sovereignty.

Last year you definitely avoided red meat, but this year commit to 100% cutting out red meat and reducing your consumption of meat in general (esp when it is not responsibly sourced). Instead, eat sustainable seafood whenever possible.

Pay more attention to where you’re spending money and think about who you’re choosing to support with your dollar (maybe log your purchases and also learn how to budget?)

Continue reconnecting with your korean heritage. Learn the history, listen to korean music, possibly even learn the language. Keep talking about korean shit w korean ppl.

Don’t forget to apply for internships/summer programs, because you don’t want to be stuck with your family again for the entire summer. Maybe try to live in a city by yourself, or get away from your family/hometown in general.

[hballou]

Shift Your Money Relationship with Chella Diaz

Shift Your Money Relationship: Finding Your Money Leaks with Chella Diaz

Chella Diaz knew at a very young age how to manage money, at 9 years old she would go to the Farmer’s market and knew the vendors that had the best product at the lowest price. She purchased her car at 17 and her first home at 23. Chella was married for 17 years and has two sons. For over 15 years, Chella has been on her spiritual journey.

Chella has been hosting workshops to empower people to master their money skills. Her simple approach to creating a spending plan that will serve you today and for many years to come will allow you to reach your financial goals with joy and grace.

Chella has worked with many coaches and mentors and created a program that meets each client where they are and provides them with the tools they need to unpack their emotional baggage around money.

Interview Transcript

Hugh Ballou: It’s 2pm on the Eastern Coast time zone. We are hosting The Nonprofit Exchange yet again. Every week, it’s special. We have a guest who shares some really good stuff. We are talking about money today, but it will be different. It’s one of those things everyone talks about.

*Sponsored by EZCard*

My guest today is Chella Diaz. Long-time friend, but we finally connected, and I understand why she needed to be on this show and tell you things that she knows. Chella, tell people a little bit about yourself and why you’re doing this thing that you’re doing.

Chella Diaz: It would be my pleasure. It’s an honor to be here. It’s all about timing. We have known each other for several years, and I’m glad we’re here. The timing is absolutely prefect.

I have been good with money since I was nine. I was just one of those little interesting kids. I purchased my first car when I was 17 and my first house when I was 23. Before some of you start jumping, I have been speaking for a long time. My dad was a baker, and my mom was a housewife. Some of you may think I got lots of help. I did, but not financial. When I went to purchase my first house, I was short $1,600. My dad did lend me the money at that point in time, but up until then, it was just one of those things that made sense. I have two amazing boys, young men now.

I spent many years in the corporate world. I was a real estate underwriter. Along with my being good with money, I got the opportunity to review over 20,000 real estate loans. I got to see this black and white stuff. This is me reviewing tax returns and seeing how the wealthy save their money and the folks that don’t have money. I saw a pattern.

After my divorce, and after the company I worked for shut down, I knew that I didn’t want to go back to that. I knew there was something bigger I wanted to do. That was when I published my first book Money Bootcamp. My idea was to empower high school and college students. That was when my business idea began. The first business idea doesn’t always take off.

Then I was asked to speak at various women’s groups. For me, that was when the light went on. Watching and teaching women not only how to manage money but also how to set themselves apart so they always have enough money to do what they want to do, and watching the lights go on. I do work with some men, but my main audience is women and high school students and college students.

To me, I feel that this is my way of giving back. This is my mission. I get to have so much fun doing it. People always say, “Find something that you like, and you will never work a day in my life.” I feel very fortunate because that is what I am doing right now: having an amazing time.

Hugh: Yeah, you gotta have fun. I am still doing what I do in my senior years and enjoying it more than ever before. There is a lot more to do and more to learn. My area is leadership and organizational development. It’s a big area. Money is another big area.

We start out in the nonprofit world with this word “nonprofit.” We immediately set the tone that is negative. We have profitability. It’s not profit in the sense of a business where we look out for our shareholders and have this big salary for the top person. It’s a for-purpose enterprise, where we are doing charitable work, but watching money. We have this negative thing about money from the start.

When we minimize things and we cut pennies, we are really hurting ourselves in terms of how we manage money. We’re in an era where women leaders are stepping up. This is a good time for you to talk about how women bring unique skills to the marketplace as entrepreneurs running a social enterprise or business. My wife is a clergy in the Methodist church. There are new opportunities for women to bring fresh perspectives and ideas.

Let’s talk about how we see money. What are the biggest problems in how people think about money?

Chella: I believe it goes back to when we are five years old, and we begin to hear, “We can’t afford it. You have to work hard for your money. Money does not grow on trees.” These are three of the most popular phrases I come across. When we think about that story we hear, how it travels and grows with us, so that we can’t afford it. Now we are here in a purpose, where we want to help people, but we are still having this, “I can’t afford it. You have to struggle for money.” That interferes with our mission and purpose. It prevents us from asking, going after, and showing up. Whether we are working on our passion project, it doesn’t matter. We tend not to show up for our business. We tend not to share. Most importantly, we do not ask for what we need.

Hugh: In the case of nonprofits, we are sharing our vision and our mission and the impact that we’re having on people’s lives. In a way, we’re asking, but we’re inviting people to participate in that work. We start these habits. If I hear you right, we have been spoonfed these from the beginning. We were told things about leadership that don’t work, and we have been told things about money that don’t help us at all. What is the antidote to this?

Chella: It’s going and identifying what that story was and connecting to how that is currently affecting your financial picture. It sounds simplistic, but every single one of my clients who has done this- Once you have identified and shed some light on this, then you are no longer subject to that story. It’s giving a voice.

Hugh: Don’t give the voice to the story. It’s like we download software in our computer, but we have to learn how to use it correctly. We only use the templates.

We have Ryad here from Algeria, part of Bob Hopkin’s class in Dallas. He has a special interest in inspiring young leaders to think about philanthropy in a new way. To be a philanthropist, we don’t need to be afraid of money. Philanthropy is not all about the money. We do make financial contributions. As we welcome new people into the Methodist church, we say to participate with your time, talent, and money. There is a triple invitation, but there is an opportunity for young people to understand.

I had Ivan Misner on the show last week. The motto for BNI is Givers Gain. It’s a different mindset.

How do we get an awareness of some of these negative things we have been taught? You are in who we have been taught. How do we have an awareness to gain a mindset?

Chella: By simply beginning to write. As we are sitting here, I am a huge note-taker. As you are saying wisdoms, write down. Sit down for 10 minutes, for seven days, silent, and think about those money conversations you listened to. That will bring them up to awareness.

Everybody has a conversation. There are a few of you out there who are not going to have it because adults do not talk about money. Go back. 10 minutes. Seven days. I would love to hear from you what your feedback is. These things, the minute you begin to give the mind a task, it will do it for you.

But if you don’t remember, that is also very telling because that means as a little child, what stories did you make up about the fact that adults were not talking about money? That is also very powerful. You make up a story as a kid as to what that meant. I wish I was making this up.

As an adult, it’s possible you are in a relationship, and you don’t talk about money. But you have this white elephant in the room that nobody is talking about. Not hearing a conversation is also incredibly telling. What did that little child make up as a story?

Hugh: We know that we give energy to what we think about. If you think about debt, we are in a panic time. The media wants to scare us so that we read their newspaper or watch their show. We don’t need to buy into these narratives that have penalized us. Dan Pallotta has this keynote where he talks about the way we think about charity is dead wrong. Nonprofit is a good starting point. It’s a bad word; it’s a lie. But it’s the word we know. It’s a genre of operating. It’s a tax-exempt business.

Part of the headline here is, “Money Leaks.” What do you mean? Do you carry it in a bucket, and it leaks out?

Chella: I am going to make that a picture. As we go through life, and we get services, and we don’t realize that some of these, are we using them? The most traditional one would be a membership to the gym and we don’t use it. There are so many other things that we go out and purchase, and we don’t use. Those are the money leaks. Those are the ones.

But also, how are you choosing to spend your money? This is the $100,000 question. If you are able to sit down and track your finances for 30 days, whether you go back and do it or start fresh from here moving forward, if you are able to track any time you spend over a dollar on a notepad or a Word document or an app, at the end of the four weeks, you are going to divide that list into how much you spend on wants and how much on needs. I prefer to do it every week, so it doesn’t seem like such an overwhelming task. For four weeks, how much did you spend on wants versus needs? At the end of the four weeks, you will find your money leaks.

One of my favorite examples is a young lady was spending $750 a month for lunch. You don’t realize how much you’re spending. You go to the bank and get the money. You’re on automatic pilot. You don’t realize where the money is going. By taking the time to do this one task for four weeks, whether it’s lunch or dinner or snacks- One of my clients, $125 in snacks. He would stop at the corner store before getting to work to pick up snacks. $125 for snacks? Imagine what you could do with $125 a month extra.

By doing this one task, you are going to find where your money leaks are. I don’t believe in giving up everything. After you find the money leaks, my lunch person, she decided to put away $500 toward a down payment of a house, but she still went out to lunch. She still had $250 to work with for lunch. You will find what other choices you can make with your money. How are you choosing to spend your money? That’s where the magic happens, folks.

Hugh: You start buying a $5 latte every day. That adds up to a lot of money. That is a lot of money over the terms of a week, a year. You add all those wants up, not needs. You can get an app like Mint, which shows you every day where your money went. It’s free. Is something like that helpful?

Chella: Absolutely. It’s doing the work for you. The only thing with some of those apps. If you are able to track everything, fabulous. Sometimes you may not be able to track stopping at the store and picking up flowers. When you pay with cash, that is where Mint may not be great. But it is a great start. I like Mint.

Hugh: I try to do everything on a credit card. I don’t care what the interest rate is. A high interest rate encourages me to pay it off. To me, the interest rate, the higher the better. I can’t pay interest, so it encourages me to pay the thing off. My particular card gives me a summary by category in addition to the Mint, and it also gives me hotel points. I go to a lot of hotels I don’t pay any money for. There is a liability in a credit card where you just use credit without the cash to pay it at the end of the month. There is an accountability process here. If you are struggling to make ends meet, you have to be aware of your own spending. We go out and have drinks with friends, and we spend money. We don’t have to do all that. We can drink water and have a good time and have a wine at home. Pay for a bottle instead of one glass at a restaurant. Or give it up all together. How do you stay on track? Do you have an accountability partner idea? Maybe we encourage each other.

Chella: Hugh just brought up a big idea. If you know anybody who has credit cards, ask them to add up three months’ worth of interest. How much did they pay in three months? When you see that, let’s say it’s $500 for three months. That is going to be $2,000 for the year. This is the game-changer. When you start thinking not only am I making the credit card company rich, but what could I be doing with $2,000 at the end of the year? Imagine what that looks like in your bank account. I find that when people do this task, they are able to go out and work maybe a little bit harder for the short term to pay off that debt, be it selling something or doing something extra so that money can flow into their account.

The accountability is one of my favorite things to do. I still have two accountability partners. I suggest they cannot be a spouse or significant other. This is something you’re working on yourself first. Then you can come together. It’s not that you can’t tell them what you’re doing. Once upon a time, purchasing personal development courses was a weakness for me. Any time I saw it on TV or an event, any time I went to spend over $100, I needed to call my accountability partner and share that I wanted to buy this thing I could not live without. You tell each other what your goals are, what your weaknesses are, and then you call each other during that time. After I started talking about it, justifying why I needed to buy this, it was so silly. I really didn’t need it. An accountability partner helps you to stay on track on whatever financial goals you are. It helps you stay away from the shiny objects, and they are there to celebrate any time you achieve a milestone.

Hugh: These are all good personal growth habits. I wanted you on the show because we all bring our good and bad habits into the workplace. Many of our audience has a vision for changing people’s lives through a nonprofit they founded; sometimes they run it, or they get other people to run it. We want to identify these because the personal problems become systemic problems and a problem for the organization.

In the nonprofit world, we are required to have a board of directors, and they oversee the money part. The same issues that you just talked about do exist in organizations. I have seen organizations who are broke, but there is no discipline or system or accountability or awareness of living beyond our means. We don’t have the money coming in, but we have to do these programs because they are compelling. You have to take care of home first. How do leaders bring these shortcomings into the business? How does that hurt everybody?

Chella: That’s why I think you have to start at home. Find your money leaks, fix them. Once you start to do that, what happens is you begin to see other opportunities, whether it’s the saving $500 a month. Other opportunities begin to present themselves. Debt creates overwhelm and stress. When you are stressed and have to think about how you make those payments, there is that “Another payment, I have to write out ten checks.” I know people don’t do that anymore. Automatic pay, whatever that is. I need to pay ten bills versus three bills. That takes stress. When you are able to get that under control at home, those skillsets will transfer to your organization.

You are able to come up with different ideas for a fundraiser. You are able to share about your project to that person you haven’t thought about sharing. It opens up more space for you to be able to be more productive and bring in more money to your nonprofit, or what I call a passion project.

Hugh: Your passion project. What is your passion project?

Chella: My passion project is to do workshops for high school students and college students. It’s interesting because I hear a lot from them about how they don’t care about the money, but they want to make a difference. I say, “In order to make a difference, you need the money.”

Hugh: Ryad, as a young person facing the life ahead, does this stimulate any questions for you, or do you want to comment on what you’re hearing?

Ryad Benabdelkader: Yes. By the way, I like the use of the credit card. Where I live, it’s not used very much. People love cash. They never use a credit card. Starting with my family and my parents, they just use cash in Algeria. But I like the idea of the credit card because you have to think about how to use the money twice. You won’t just buy it with cash. Each time my parents are just spending, spending, spending. If it was with a credit card, it would be better, and they know where to spend the money. I love the idea of credit cards. I hope we will apply it one day.

Hugh: You’re in Algeria.

Ryad: Yes.

Hugh: How do you pay for things? Physical cash or digital payments.

Ryad: Physical cash.

Hugh: I understand you were admitted to a college in France, so you will be going to France. How will this kind of information help you think about managing your expenses in college?

Ryad: I love the idea of credit cards because like this, I will manage and optimize how and where to spend the money without carrying cash. I would just be buying this and this. With a credit card, I will only buy things I need with limits. Each time you see the card, you think about money.

Hugh: Before I go to Professor Hopkins, let’s talk about philanthropy. In order to be a philanthropist, you want to manage your time because we give time and talent, but we also give money. Why do you think it’s important to manage our own finances? Why do you think it’s important to have our house in order to be a better philanthropist? I will give you some time to think about it. Bob, what kinds of questions do you have today?

Bob Hopkins: Thank you very much. Unfortunately, I hate this topic. I hate this topic for me personally. I hate the words, “I can’t afford it.” In respect to you, I think your topic and what you tell the students is what they need because people need to manage money. I have never been able to do that unfortunately. Because of my elderly age, what you see on the horse is what I look like today. I am 50 years older than that person on that horse.

I try to teach students to think positively instead of thinking, “I can’t have, and I don’t have.” I think that God gives us everything we need, and you just have to have a positive attitude about it. Unfortunately, I don’t manage money very well. For some reason, there always seems to be money when I need it. But I do understand, and it’s a good thing I don’t have children. I was thinking of you when you said, “What did I think of money when I was five years old?” I could always have what I needed. When I became an adult, my parents divorced, and I think one reason that happened is because of money. It’s not been one of my best topics.

Hugh: Let me introduce you to my friend Chella. Bob is a colleague in Texas. Sandy, do you have any questions here?

Sandy Birkenmaier: My parents didn’t have a whole lot of money when I was growing up. When I was 10, they bought their first brand new car. They had no credit whatsoever because they’d always paid cash for everything. I learned pretty early that it was important to have a credit record at least. My dad died when I was 13, and we had even less money. I never had money when I was growing up unless there was something special I needed to buy. I had to justify then why it was that I needed money. I raised my kids that you do need to establish a credit record, but you need to not be using a credit card unless you are able to pay that credit card off. I pretty much managed to do that through adulthood. There have been times where things have gotten rough, and the credit cards have stacked up, but I got them paid off as quickly as possible. I think I have a pretty good relationship with money.

Hugh: Great. Sandy, thank you. Chella, that triggered a couple of interesting topics. Thank you for allowing me to have you comment. When you start an enterprise and apply for a credit card, they will check your personal credit. You are the founder of this and want to apply for a credit card. This is one area that is important for having your act together. Do you want to comment on that?

Bob’s relationship with money, he’s a mover and shaker. He is an energy field. I am sure in his career with nonprofits, he has seen a challenge with money. It’s an attitude that comes from the top. Those are two areas for you to bounce off of.

Chella: Actually, Hugh, you mentioned earlier. When it comes to money and credit, people think about it as a negative thing. But you are proof that that’s not the case. You are able to get things for free. It’s about learning how to use the system. I have a friend who got a 32-inch flat-screen TV for free. She was a business owner, and she charged a lot, and she paid a lot. She accumulated so many points. That’s the thing about credit cards. We can use them to our advantage. We can use them just like Sandy, thank you for sharing, and Bob. We are going to come back to you. But you can use these credit cards to your advantage. They don’t have to be the bad word. This is a tool you can use to get free stuff. I personally have gotten gift cards. You can give them away for gifts. It can definitely work to your advantage.

Know that the magic is you only need three types of credit that is being reported. All you need is three lines in order to build a credit score.

Hugh: Three lines? Three credit cards?

Chella: It could be a credit card. A car loan. Anything that reports. It cannot be paying rent. That is not reported. Utility bills, those are not reported. Those do not count. Three, be it two credit cards, a car loan. Three of them in order to build credit. That’s it.

Hugh: It’s all back to what you were talking about. It’s a matter of discipline or attitude and an awareness. I see a lot of people start a business or nonprofit, and they say, “We will make money and do these things.” How important is it to put a budget line item on there to mark our discipline for spending?

Chella: I love that. I don’t like to use the b-word. The budget. If we start thinking about, “This is how I am creating a spending plan” instead. It sounds softer and not quite so rigid. But if you create a spending plan, then you have choice. You are spending this. This is how much we allocated for this and that. Create a spending plan, and stick to it. Sometimes, we want to do, and we want to serve. But if we don’t have the money coming in, it’s going to stop sooner or later. There is only so much you can do. Right now, I do know quite a few nonprofits where the money is just not coming in, and they may need to shut down.

Hugh: It’s a challenge for the whole sector. Small businesses, churches, restaurants, nonprofits: we are challenged to how we do things. My wife and I have gone through a personal discipline of looking at expenses, and we spend a lot less than we used to. We eat really well, and we do pretty much anything we want to do, but we stay under budget every single month. Even though I have a number of credit cards, and a lot of credit lines, we primarily use one, so I don’t have to remember to pay the others. Everything comes on the 1st of the month, so there is a ritual in paying it all. 100% on-time payments, no interest charges. It’s been a good discipline that has energized us, and we have more money to support the charities we want to support. It feels good to be able to give some to other people.

When you build your budget, let’s talk about the giving part of this. Part of philanthropy is money. Part of it is showing up. You talked about showing up earlier. It’s not just physically present, but it’s emotionally present. Where does giving come into our financial system?

Chella: Giving should be up here with paying yourself, giving, then meeting your obligations, then down the line should be your wants. Not to deprive yourself. But I am saying if you put it in that order, I guarantee you that you will always have money for everything. It just shows up. The money always showed up for Bob.

I agree with you. I think that God gives you all that you need. I am delighted, and I believe in thinking positive. Where I see the struggle is we want to think positive, and your students are saying that. It’s the monkey chatter behind the scenes from the money conversations we heard as children. We have that conflict. It’s about identifying it so that it’s minimized. I haven’t been able to make it go away entirely, but it is minimized, so the voice is softer and not as loud. It’s about making the voice softer.

Hugh: That annoying voice that lies to us. A while back, we had Dr. David Gruder talking about the psychologist’s view of money shadow. Say more about how those negative scripts hurt us.

Chella: Because we believe them, right? I’ll share mine. My dad was a baker. He definitely shared that you have to work hard for your money. He did. He worked very hard. One time, he took two jobs. One paycheck went toward a down payment for the house. After we bought the house, he quit the job. So he did work hard for his money. He was incredibly successful and bought lots of great properties. I grew up that you have to work hard with money because my dad did physical work. He was a baker.

When I did my very first paid speaking gig, I went through it. Here I am getting paid for something I love doing and for talking. I went through that psychology. It’s about what that five-year-old identifies with, and how we carry that along with us. Which is why I think identifying it and releasing it is where the key comes in. You’re no longer subject to it.

Hugh: You started talking about the lies we hear about money. What were those?

Chella: You have to work hard. You have to struggle. Money does not grow on trees. And we can’t afford it. Those are the ones that keep coming up, no matter what income you’re in. We go back to whatever those adults have. The key here is that this is something- Think of it as a gift. These stories we have been told are a gift. Sometimes I think it comes from good intention. The adults want to prepare us for the future. They want to set us up for success. The stories they are giving you are a gift. Now give them back. It was a gift that you don’t have to take. It’s okay to give the gift back.

Hugh: Wow. I was formulating another question, but I got into what you were talking about. I can’t afford it. That’s code for, “I don’t like it,” or “I don’t understand what you’re asking me.” Isn’t it?

Chella: it is. It also could be simply that the adults didn’t understand. We go back to the adults. We go back. Even if you now look at the grocery store and see a mom and kids, if you hear the mom saying, “No, we can’t afford it,” what is that child’s interpretation of money? It’s not about the fact you said you can’t afford it, because maybe you can’t, or you don’t want to. Telling them you can’t afford it is about the interpretation the kid is walking away with.

Hugh: You’re choosing to spend money on something else. It ceases to be a reason and becomes an excuse. There is no reason to pay for anything you want. Back to your list of wants and needs. Do you do this on a monthly basis, a weekly basis, in hindsight or forecast?

Chella: I like the moving forward because you become more aware. We’re sure nothing slipped through the cracks. Keep track of your money for seven days. Any time you spend a dollar, you write it down. I like to divide the seven days into wants and needs. That’s it. I don’t analyze it or judge it. We just do a black and white list. You do this for four weeks. You will find some of the things that you are ready to let go from that list. What are some of the things, like my lunch person? Along with going out for lunch, she is putting $500 toward a down payment of a house, which was important to her. Once you find something you can replace it with, I take it Bob likes horses. Can we buy new toys for the horse? Does that work? Once you are able to find where the money is going and you choose something else to do with it, that is where you begin to shift and accumulate to have money for those things.

You’re a perfect example, Hugh. You have a spending plan, but you are always able to do the things you want to do. It’s about having the choice to do what we want to do.

Hugh: A spending plan doesn’t mean you can’t do fun things. A whole lot of things don’t cost money, or very little money. Sometimes the free things are healthier anyway.

What I see often is, especially in early-stage organizations, we make bad decisions on spending. We put wants ahead of the needs, like hiring staff prematurely until we have enough money in the bank to pay for that person for at least a year. We get out ahead of it. We assume the product will sell. We assume the donors will donate. We will assume we will get grants. So we hire in preparation for that. That is a bad habit we bring over with our personal life. We bully our way through here. Really, we need to have a foundation of revenue becoming revenue until we can get an executive director or a funding specialist on our staff. It’s good to get someone on staff who knows how to handle money.

So it needs to be the right choice at the right stage, and we need to have a plan that can work, and an accounting system to track it. We can’t keep it in our head. We have a lot of systems that interface with our credit cards and bank accounts. It’s automatically kept up to date for us. It’s a good era to manage that.

We get a chunk of money. A donor writes us a large check. Whoopee. We can go to work. We can hire people and buy equipment and rent space, and we run out of money. We haven’t looked at our forecast. A budget is a spending plan, but really what’s our cash flow projection? In business, we call it a burn rate. You are spending money and not selling things enough to offset the cost of doing business.

It’s still a burn rate in the nonprofit world. We’re not offsetting the old revenue with new revenue. We are spending the money without creating new money. There is a relationship to money that comes from our personal life, that brings in good discipline and running an organization. I am not perfect in all of this. I am not here saying I am the model; I am here to say we are all struggling and need to improve.

Do you want to comment on any of that? Talk a little bit about that. After that piece, we have a relationship with money, but our relationships with people impact our cash as well.

Chella: I could not have asked for a better set-up. That is why if you do the 30 days for your personal life and your business, you will know exactly what it takes to run your business on a monthly basis. When you get that $100,000 check, what if you are able to put away one to two years of monthly revenue on your business and spend the rest on projects? At least you know you’re covered for however many months. We don’t know when the next money will come in. That’s magical. You know that you at least will be able to continue to do that work for the amount of time. The more money that comes in, the better. But cover that base first.

It’s a work in progress. Sometimes we will fall off track a little bit, and then you get back. But keeping track or finding out what it is you need on a monthly basis is magical because then you will always be prepared. It’s the ideal situation. Also, that peace of mind will come with it.

Prematurely hiring someone. What if you are able to ask them to volunteer five hours, ten hours a week? Then you will get to know each other, see each other’s skillsets. When you are ready to hire them, they will be able to step in. It’s that intern, if you will. Then you know if they are a fit for your company. Asking for that volunteer is a great way to help you until you can get the money ready, but also find out if they are a fit for your company. If not, you will spend a lot of time and money investing in something that may not work. A volunteer is a great way to help you, and do what you want to do, which is help. You want to give back. But you don’t have to spend the money.

Hugh: Yes. Relationships. We have mental capital, a product or service, and the work we do, and we want financial capital. But there is this relationship capital in between those.

Chella: I want you to think about money and relationship the same way you would do a business partner, a donor, or whatever. How you’re talking to that donor is the same way you should be talking to money. If you are telling money, “I don’t have enough. You’re never enough,” if that was a partner, and this is where the money relationship shifts. If you are in a relationship, because you are, we are in a relationship with money, whether we are readily able to admit it or not. Talk to money the same way you would talk about a potential donor. How you would treat that person is the same way. Treat the donor the same way as money and treat money the same way as the donor. This is a win-win for all. There is something for the donor to contribute to your organization. Think about money. Start dating money. Get to that point where you are ready to make a commitment and get married.

Hugh: Find your money leaks. Develop a plan. Get an accountability partner. Don’t bleed yourself dry. Don’t deprive yourself of fun things. But be responsible.

Your analogy with the person who was spending $750 and they cut it down to $250 on lunches, they can now save money for a house. In the world of nonprofits, we want to put away money to build an endowment fund. People do give to it specifically, but we can build it in more than one way. Having an endowment fund allows you to build interest that could pay for your operations expenses if it was large enough. That is a discipline for nonprofits.

*Sponsored by EZCard*

Chella, this has been useful stuff. This is not just theory, but applicable information. This is what we like to do: help leaders be better leaders. What closing thought would you like to leave people with?

Chella: I truly encourage you to do the four-week challenge. It’s just four weeks to finding your money leaks and get your money journey on track. Love to hear from you. It’s been a pleasure and an honor to be here today. Every single person who has done this, their money conversation and relationship has shifted. Highly encourage you. It’s only four weeks.  

Hugh: Only four weeks. Your life is a downer if you don’t do it. Chella has been building her website. Chella Diaz, thank you for being our guest today on The Nonprofit Exchange.

Chella: It’s been an honor, thank you.

Check out this episode!

[jprologic]

I have no affiliate links in my posts…yet.  When I do, you’ll be the first to know. Or rather, the second.

Here recently I’ve had some major epiphanies when it comes to what my purpose in life is.  As such, life is about to become very full…I mean fuller, and this forced me to evaluate my current life systems.  I considered both of what I am being called to do, as well as things that I would like to build upon habit wise.  Since we are all given 24 hours in a day, and some of us accomplish a ton, and some of us don’t, I had to look at my current productivity systems if I wanted to remain in the former category.  I knew that no matter how much I chose to take on, I would still want time for rest, connection with my family and creativity.  I’ve learned over the past 15 years that you can do and accomplish a lot of things while still having a ton of time left for unwinding.  The only way to do it however is to keep things simple and not to waste time.

Much like your computer needs updating, so does one’s daily life habits.  Each upgrade should produce pleasure and make life even more fun to live.  I genuinely love the gym so when I went to upgrade my workout habits, I re-joined my preferred gym, but chose a location closer to my horses since that’s where I am in the morning.  Now I enjoy my coffee while feeding and grooming my horses, and then head to the gym down the road to get a good routine in and can get home after work instead of getting a workout in.  Now, if I hated gyms then maybe I would have added trail running or yoga instead.  The point is, if you don’t like doing something, or if being around a certain person is close to painful, then stop spending that time in that way.  We must be prudent, and good stewards of the time that we do have in a day.  More pleasure and less bitching can solve a lot of problems.

I have found while living in simplicity that many opportunities present themselves, or I can actively pursuit them.  This is because without clutter, chaos, distraction, and toxic relationships I’ve made the room in my life for me to “see” them.  Without these things, I couldn’t handle the 9 very different irons that I currently have in the fire.  Irons that I love by the way.  Irons that made the somewhat painful weeding out process well worth it in the end.  By the way, the process of weeding out can be it’s own journey.  In fact, it can even be brutal and you’ll have to be courageous enough to allow that process in order to get as healthy as possible.  It was something that I struggled with, and I took a decent amount of heat from people who are not only hard to be around, but have zero intentions of ever changing themselves and would rather bring you down for doing so.  If that is the part of your life’s journey that you are in, then honor that.  It has many gifts to share with you.  If you would like some emotional support for while you’re going through it, then I invite you to see how I and another talented writer went through these processes, and continue to as it’s a life long thing.  It just gets easier the more that you accept it as part of life.  I promise.  Check it out: liveyourpositivelife.com

Here I’ve taken my very short list of powerful personal actions for living a simple life  and show how I personally implement them.   As basic as these actions are, they are called “personal” for a reason.  They are subjective and it’s up to you to make them your own.

Alas, things do not always go according to plan or the way that you want them to in life, but what is great about these powerful actions in particular is that once you build upon them for yourself, they are there for you to fall back upon while you re-position yourself. This keeps you fresh and organized for when you’re ready to try again at seizing opportunities. No worries if things go awry, when you’re living a simple life with any sort of dedication and intention, it’s not IF the opportunity comes, or IF things fall into place as they are meant to…it’s WHEN.  Therefore, keep yourself prepared for the life of your dreams:

    Feel Feelings

  Dun Dun Daaaahhhhh.  Yeah, I said it.  Listen, the pain and suffering actually comes from avoiding it.  If you sit with feelings you often can come to the root cause of them and work to release whatever it is that you are feeling.  Please remember that feelings are not facts.  They are just passing through our experience and the only thing that can give them power is our action and reaction to them.

As I have written about in the past at liveyourpositivelife, there was some in-law nonsense/trauma that I suffered through a few years back.  Here recently though, some residual sadness and anger bubbled up and I almost chose to ignore it.  Since I know better, I did all that I could to clear it by feeling it.  I also went and spent about 5 hours talking to my parents about it and other family things, which is something that I never really did before with regard to this topic.  Then with the combination of just allowing the feelings, coupled with the venting it out into the open, the feelings were gone.  Just like when you turn on a light switch and it’s no longer dark, it was over.  With the ickies out of the way, and back to feeling good, better decisions and clearer thinking can be had.

    Acknowledge Fault

  This is character building and it takes some practice, but once you are able to assume responsibility for actions, life actually gets easier.  Have you ever tried telling a lie, and then had to tell another and then one more after that to cover for the first? Not only did it not work out in the end, the entire process was exhausting and probably got a lot of people angry and it ruined their trust in you.  Learn to mean this: “I am sorry. It will never happen again. These are the actions I’ve taken to correct the action…”

I got the chance to practice this when I lost one of my client’s monthly boarding checks.  This is a check that covers the boarding fee for two horses and are funds that I draw from to pay the landlord, as well as their grain and supplies.  Of course it happened on a beautiful Sunday after I had a wonderful early ride and lovingly groomed all of the horses leaving my world to feel perfect and complete.   When I realized that my check pouch was missing out of my purse I was so upset at myself.  I was able to immediately pin point why it had happened, all because I had fallen out of organization that week because I had not realized until that moment that my systems were out of date to the changes I had recently undergone.  I had to email her, apologize, ask her to reissue the check, and deduct and then cover her cancelled check fee.  In the end it was more than ok, and it will never happen again.  But blaming, coming up with a story, covering your tracks, it’s all needless and it will cost you much more overall than accepting responsibility ever could.

    Create REALLY Healthy Habits S-L-O-W-L-Y

  For me personally it all began about 10 years ago and it was a domino effect.  Once I started working out, I didn’t want to eat bad food.  Once I stopped drinking and hanging around party-all-night kind of people, I only wanted enriching experiences with close friends.  Once I started meditating, I only wanted more quiet to connect to my creativity.  Paying attention to my new found desire to live my life with intention had me actually living that way with only small changes a little at a time.

Wanting to build a gym routine can begin with a few walks around the neighborhood.  Eating better can start with cutting take out one day per week.  It’s the intention that matters the most and by asking yourself the below questions you just may find where to begin. Once you find a start place, start small.  Want to meditate? Read about it, watch something on YouTube, or download an app, and aim for 2x in a week for 5 min each.  From there gradually bump the time and frequency up.  While in the process of creating healthy habits, think about these questions:

With What Do You Fill Your Head/Heart/Sub-conscious?

Since I’ve cut cable, you can find me on YouTube or Netflix under documentaries.  I recently loaded Stitcher on to my phone so that I can listen to some awesome podcasts; both while I’m in the gym, and even while I’m riding my horse! It’s free and it’s awesome.  Below is a few snapshots of my playlists.  Please believe that Gary Vaynerchuk is on there!

When it comes to reading, I only read self improvement, spirituality, financial and business books.  I have so little time that every moment that I do have I maximize with putting the most beneficial things into my thinking systems.  You can find my essentials for your bookcase or reading device right here.

2. With What Do You Fill Your Vessel?

This is one that I’m constantly working on.  I mean constantly.  I have plenty of posts on here about meal planning and perfect grocery shopping but what I do 97% of the time is just make the best choice that I can in the moment.  I go out of my way to remove all of the chemical laden sugar stuff from my existence by not buying it at all.  Of course this leaves me with only whole foods that then must be prepared.  On the nights that I run behind and don’t prepare my lunch for the next day, there have been times that I resorted to the fried chicken wings from the bodega down the street from work.  Know what? I’m still alive. I didn’t get upset about my “poor choice”, I just resolved to do better next time.

When it comes to my mornings, I be sure to start off the way that I intend to go with the best of the best.  Coffee: I make it as healthy as possible.  It’s organic and I use unsweetened almond or coconut milk and then put in cinnamon for the added health benefit.  I’ve nixed sugar and flavored creamers all together.  Water: It’s the first thing that I drink in the morning, and I have it at room temperature so not to shock my system.  To grow this habit, I will be adding organic lemons to it.  Smoothie: I practice intermittent fasting and therefore only eat from 11 am to 7pm.  But I do need nutrients so I mix up spinach, banana, almond butter, flax seed and coco powder with almond milk.  If nothing else, then at least I have this great start to the day.

Most dis-ease can be avoided in the first place with better diet and lifestyle practices.   Care enough about yourself to really do the homework about what you ingest.  Understand how it moves through the system and that everything we swallow ends up as part of our anatomy.

3. With What Do You Do With Your Vessel? 

Are you working out? Walking? Praying? Playing? Do you have quiet time? Are you reading things and viewing shows that add benefit to your life by making you think or inspiring you to do and be more? Do you plan trips to rest and recharge? Are you connecting in kinship with a supportive community?

I recently became very active in helping to start up my neighborhood’s civic association.  The people that I’ve met and talk to weekly are amazing.  We are all so very diverse and yet all of us have learned from and enjoy one another.  I love walking around my city blocks meeting people and spreading the word.  I’m forming community at home and that’s very important to be successful in life.  Reach out, get involved. Start something, join something.  Pay close attention to what thrills you and move towards that.  That’s why we’re actually here on this planet.  It’s not just to pay bills and then die.

4.  Do You Have Morning & Evening Routines?

Crucial.   SO crucial.  Things can get away from us in the middle of the day.  There’s so much that isn’t within our control; traffic, late starts and early dismissals from school, getting sick, other people’s tardiness.  Yet the start and the end of our days are totally up to us and well within our control.

I used to sprint out the door about 20 minutes before I was supposed to be somewhere.  I was tired, not prepared, and constantly chasing my tail through out the day.  Now a days, I’m up at 4:30 am, done feeding and grooming my horses by 6:45 and at the gym by 7.  I’m showered and heading to work by 8:15.  I have everything with me, I know what I’m doing that day and where I have to be by what time.  There is such a sharp contrast to how things are now as compared to how they used to be, that I can never go back.  Once you taste the sweet freedom of the simplicity of granting yourself proper time in the morning, you won’t go back either.

My night time routine really exists to support my morning routine; prepare gym bag, do I need my riding clothes for after work? Is there lunch in the fridge for tomorrow?  This is still a work in progress for me as I want to add nice things like stretching and also more things like more cuddles with Dylan and connection with Michael.  To begin, Dylan and I started a new routine of going down to the river on certain weeknights.  We look at the ducks, we sit on our rock and watch the sunset, and we just BE in the nature.  I’m a firm believer that it take baby steps and I know that I will add even more great family connections because it’s small changes in a habit over a long period of time that makes them successful.  (See what I just did there?)

  Take Care Of The Small Things

  Mow the yard if it needs it.  Always wash, dry and put away the dishes at the end of the night.  Make your bed every single day.  These things reflect maturity, self-love and they build discipline.  To lead the life of your dreams, you need to have your shit together and you can’t tackle the big things without taking care of the little things.   Will you fall off from time to time? Yes.  But then you take a few hours, or a day, and restore the balance in anyway that feels right to you. You’ll feel better and can move forward.

Of course there are some little pesky things that have to be done but we want to put them off.  In those instances, I find it best to just do them as little as necessary.  Don’t like paying bills? Make it a point to only have to do it once per month by making a budget and paying bills in advanced, or put them on auto pay.  Hate the doctor/dentist? Make all appointments in the same week and just get it done.  One thing that I’ve noticed by making sure all of the necessities are taken care of, I’m able to relax much more.  The peace that you feel is palpable.  Everyone deserves to feel that way.

  In conclusion,

Simple living is simple…if you allow it to be.  These actions one by one can build something magnificent. I’m living proof as the more that I practice these actions, the better things get.  The key to it all is to allow.  Allow yourself to have a lazy day without punishment. Allow yourself to adjust life practices so that they suit better.  Most importantly, allow yourself to let go of the need to control or your need to keep doing things that are no longer working.

  Jenna

      I’m a blogger who is addicted to simplicity.  My next goal is furthering my  minimalistic habits by getting rid of 10 things per week.  You will be hard pressed to find clutter in my home, yet I’m always able to find at least 10 things to pass on.  I’m curious with just how little I may actually need to live life well.  This blog documents my life journey thus far with simplifying all aspects of my life.  As a former habitual shopper who was constantly in a rush to partake in nonsense, I hope to show others that simplicity is where it’s at.

And no, the picture isn’t recent; it’s 5 years old actually, but I had done my hair myself.

            Powerful Personal Actions That Lead To The Simple Life Of Your Dreams I have no affiliate links in my posts...yet.  When I do, you'll be the first to know.

[u-f-o-no]

it's 1:30am. I'm tired I guess but not tired enough to really sleep. I meant to go eat something a couple hours ago but I haven't felt like it since my dad crumpled up my dinner and threw it off the porch because he was mad at me. I'm really lonely I guess but I also hate everyone right now so I don't know what that means or what to do. I was trying to get over a dislike of someone but then today i got back a peer review by them and all of the comments were the things I hate about myself. I don't feel like living anymore and I don't think there's anything anyone can do about it. I miss Sam. I hope he's doing okay in the hospital or w/e. I wish I could be with him. It'd probably be good for me. Today I was talking to Emily and everyone else in class heard me but her bc she never listens to me and she was probably texting Rachel. I don't know why I'm not good enough for these people?? They're not good enough for me so why the hell am I not good enough for them? I'm so tired and sad. I doubt my depression is a chemical imbalance anymore. I think my life just sucks ass. Which makes me feel ungrateful bc I'm not dying of typhoid fever or malaria or w/e. The comments he put weren't even like bad things you just don't understand what I was thinking you don't fucking know what it's like to be me. I have so many thoughts all the time and you may not have had an original thought in your life. He still gets into better colleges than me. People like him. He's not fucking depressed or dysphoric or a coward. He didn't drop out of ap physics. I should have taken a shower. I don't even know what I did today. I have no clue. I really should go to the hospital but I'm so scared of missing school and not graduating because I know I'm not going to kill myself because I'm scared which will make things worse. I have flashbacks to unsettling surreal dreams all the time now. It knocks me off my feet for a moment but I'm good at not letting it show so no one knows. I don't want to dream anymore. Some of them are cool but mostly they're bad. I downloaded a dream journal app but I've only made one entry because my dreams are so weird and multiplanar that I can't write them or even really describe them. I should have therapy twice a week at least but I feel bad because they're paying so much money. The only way for me to get real honest to God attention for my illness is to make an attempt on my life. I'd love to personally but I hate pain. I have enough of it as it is. I'm so guilty what the fuck. I don't have anything to be guilty about but I am anyway so I'm angry All the Time. No one cares enough to tell me it's not my fault and even if they did would I believe them? I don't even know what It is at this point but it's my fault. That doesn't even make sense why do I feel like this???! because I'm not going to kill myself I feel like I shouldn't be hospitalized and I'm guilty about faking being as bad as Sam or something like that. All my dad ever does is tell me I'm hurting him even though he's hurt me for years. Whenever he asks me what he's done wrong I forget everything like when someone asks you your favorite book and you suddenly forget everything you've ever read. That makes me feel guilty because I can't find anything bad that he's done and so I internalize his words and I have a little voice now that's his voice that screams Your Fault! every second of the day. I want it to stop. I want them to stop yelling at me. When I say this it sounds like I'm some kid who thinks being psychotic is cool and is like "yeah I hear voices" and that makes me feel guilty. idk tho bc I don't like think they're hidden spirits or anything i know they're coming from somewhere inside me but I didn't choose them so? I just want to fucking know what it feels like to be supported. No one person knows both the depth of my mental illness and the lengths of my identity. I allot different tidbits to different friends so that I never have anyone know me fully. I feel so guilty about being trans. Like I'm crazy or losing my mind or that it's just another mental illness I have. But I know it would be worse if I told people because they would think it's a mental illness. My mom would say "gender confused" and I would cry because that's how I felt my whole life until I realized I was this way. My dad would never look at me the same again and pray for me to go back and still tell me he loves me more than all the stars in the sky. And that would really fuck me up because for years all I've been shown is hate in the name of love and it's fundamentally broken me as a functioning human being. I can't stand physical contact because I'm so nervous. I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up and they're going to hate me. The other day my dad moved really quickly and I went into shock because I thought he was going to hit me. He continued like nothing happened but I thought I was going to cry. I was just in the car on the way to church. I rip whole tufts of my hair out now. We're almost at the two year anniversary of me asking to get my hair cut. It took a lot of courage to ask which shows that i really wanted it. I was shut down so quickly and with such contempt I've been scared to share anything about myself ever since. If he wouldn't let me style the dead protein strands on my head the way I want, no way was he going to be accepting of anything in my life besides what he wanted. I hate myself so fully now it's incredible. I used to be the most confident kid in class and now I just radiate self loathing underneath my suave exterior. And by suave like, doesn't have it together but is cool with that. I don't know. I guess I just wish people could see all this about me, but also I don't because I'm already so vulnerable this would make me ashamed and easily exploitable. Shame and guilt are things I should not be feeling and I know it. I'm so angry that the people in my life have driven me to this kind of state. But nevertheless I can't get past it. I'm just a scared kid. In fact, while many are fantasizing about getting old or married or what have you I'm fantasizing about getting to relive my childhood as my "new" or "preferred" or whatever the fuck You want to call it gender. I dream of being adopted by two nice men who love each other and teach me how to love. They are always supportive of me no matter what and comfort me when I need it. What's really fucked up is sometimes this is the only thing that gets me through the day. It's exactly like mr robot. Elliot creates a mental image of his dead father to comfort him because his body cannot handle the loneliness. It's 2am now. I guess I've vented a lot. I can't seem to make myself do anything. I'm in a rut. And I felt good on Sunday. That makes me feel like a fake too. Like I'm just being dramatic about school but I'm fine all other times. Which still isn't true but these things haunt me. No matter how many times I hear "you're valid uwu" I'm still going to hate myself and I'm still going to question. Crazy thing is I'll probably still go to school tomorrow. I'll sit in band class and stare blankly at the other wall dreaming about what my haircut might look like, or things that I'll wear when I look more like a boy. I'll smile at people around me and make sassy comments. I'll pay attention to all the crazy things nick says and think about playing trombone. Alyssa will laugh at something I say. I'll try to make eye contact with Emily when something happens even though I'm mad at her and she hates me. She won't notice and I'll feel stupid and unloved. Mr flood might give me a compliment if I do something well and it'll be the highlight of my day. He'll make a funny joke or say something odd and Alyssa will laugh again and I'll smile fondly. My heart is filled with such love it's absolutely horrible that anything like this has been allowed to happen. On the underneath of the rotting cool girl is a little boy who just wants to be held. Sometimes I call mr flood dad when he's out of earshot. I do that for mr Higdon occasionally too. They smile at me so bright and tell me I'm wonderful and delightful and compliment me on silly things that somehow make my day better even though I don't really care about them. I have dreams where I'm maybe three feet tall with fluffy blonde hair and I'm sort of hunched over trying to be small and unnoticeable and I'm crying and the tears are running down my face but I'm only sniffling, because I taught myself not to cry loudly a long time ago. I rub my eyes with my little child's hands and look up hesitantly to where I see a man standing, bending over slightly to talk to me. he looks sad but understanding and opens up his arms. I'm not sure if I'll go but then I think about being held above the ground away from my problems and I just run straight for them. As I land, I am lifted it up into a string, warm embrace. I feel safe for the first time I can remember. My arm is around his neck and one clings to his back. I bury my face between his shoulder and neck into the soft fabric there. And then I cry. I cry for a long time as the man plants gentle kisses in my hair and whispers soft unintelligible things. He rubs my back carefully and I feel myself relax. There is no tension in my childlike body. Bliss. My wildest dream is to have a loving father like that. Which makes me slightly sick. I understand Harry Potter visiting the mirror of erised so often now. Those desires are truly powerful, and those who already have strong relationships may avoid its allure easier. It's almost 2:30 I think my dad came home but that doesn't sound right. I never know when he's leaving. I'm scared just sitting here. I'm afraid he'll come in I'm afraid of the rodents in the ceiling falling on me and I'm afraid of the endlessness represented by the passing train. This whole existence feels like a cycle I can't break. Every day is blurred together. Every moment. I don't even know now if I've already written this. I do know I hate the noises of the nighttime. It is a time when we are more keenly aware of our aloneness and of all the tiny noises that lurk behind every day bustle. Humans have long been fascinated by the night. It stands as a place of unknowing, where danger can lurk easily. It used to be my greatest fear. Not the night it's self I told my mother, but the robbers in the dark. I'm so much more paranoid now, and I'm told it may be a side effect of the depression manifesting in a sort of pseudo-psychosis. Good to know not even my psychosis is real. Which makes me feel like I'm faking it. Seriously I'm about to go out of mind these squirrels sound like they're going to pounce on me at any second and while I'd like to die; not like that.