#it ate my answers which is very annoying when i have dozens for each character >:(

[everythingsinred]

Hi hii!! I hope you're having a nice day 💜💜

Ok I'm gonna be really mean with the 50 questions ask-

Whichever ones you want, with Ruka, Natsume, or Mikan

(i find it mean bc i am tragically indecisive)

i am doing great!

(i think that u sent this again, adding mikan... so i'll answer this one instead of the other one, if that's okay)

ur ask is so tempting so i will do as many as i can for all three, thank u <3

Ruka-pyon <3

1. Canon I outright reject? he would NEVER leave natsume not EVER. i know tsubasa had to basically drag him out of there but i hate that he left i HATE it

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? i don't think he would ever date mikan after natsume's hypothetical death. i don't think either of them would be able to.

3. Obscure headcanon? his favorite disney movie is fox and the hound.

4. Favorite line? "Meeting you, and coming with you here to the Academy... I never even once regretted it." (chapter 146)

5. Best personality trait? his loyalty. he's very sweet and i love that, but his loyalty is what moves mountains, what fights wars, what transcends the rules of time and space.

6. Worst personality trait? i must have mentioned this at some point but he's perfect. but really i think he shouldn't feel like such a burden when he brings so much to the table.

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? i don't need a headcanon when i have character profiles! 140 cm/4'6 and 35 kg/77 lbs at his debut, 173 cm/5'8 and 66 kg/145 lbs in the last chapter. also i believe he's the youngest of the main four? he turns 11 in march, after natsume, mikan, and hotaru have all had their 11th birthdays.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? i've already said i only like his relationship with mikan platonically, so i'll say something else.

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? "bird meets tori!" where we see him using his alice with piyo. though it's been so long since i first met him that i really can't remember ever NOT loving him.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? my favorite ruka moment is when he's waiting for natsume in the backseat of the car to go to the academy with him. makes me cry every single time.

12. Crack headcanon? i like thinking of him growing little flowers on his windowsill in his dorm and that he very much likes baking... again "crack" i use loosely.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? this...?? maybe? i dont think he does many dumb things...

14. Most heroic moment? i just think there's so much strength in ruka's actions in the new year's arc, even if he feels like such a burden the whole time. though i also think this one is very brave.

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? very tough to say because he's a well-meaning child! i don't like to be negative abt the kids. that being said, this might be natsume AND ruka's worst moment lol. ruka was complicit in that.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? zoe and i do have a ruka playlist, but it's private right now because it's unpolished. that being said, here are some songs from the playlist.

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? his self-esteem issues, namely his feelings of being a burden and his apparent social anxiety that stems from a lonely, isolated childhood.

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? lemonade!

22. Best physical feature? his pretty blue eyes! he's so beautiful!

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? YOU ASKED THE RIGHT PERSON. i imagine he would be a lovely, simple floral scent, as well as something a little sweet and refined.

24. Most annoying habit? he's done nothing annoying??? tho for real i think people might get annoyed by his natsume-apologism (especially in story lol)

27. Their guilty pleasure? i think he'd probably like musicals but get very embarrassed abt it. tho i might just be projecting winston bishop on him based off his one musical performance as snow white that he obviously didnt even want to do.

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? VERY aesthetic, sweet, with lots of photography, poetry quotes, and pictures of animals.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? when he finally lets himself poke fun at natsume and mikan! they make him laugh a lot, when he puts his walls down <3

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? when he thinks too hard about his family, because of how much he misses them.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? spending time with his friends and snuggling with an animal... i think he'd be content with simple pleasures.

36. Their favorite season? i associate him with spring! with flowers and baby animals and gentle weather. i think he'd like it too, for lots of the same reasons.

37. What they really think about themselves? he thinks of himself as a burden, obstacle, impediment, that he holds the one person he loves most back when all he wants is to help. as a result, he withdraws and hides himself away bc he doesn't think he's capable of contributing much anyway.

38. Favorite holiday? maybe easter? i'm not familiar with japanese holidays so i cant say for sure but the easter aesthetic suits him.

39. Favorite game? card games!!!

40. Favorite book? i have a predominantly western understanding of literature because i have a degree in english literature, so forgive me. i think he'd like romantic poets, like whitman, wordsworth, byron, and dickinson. he'd like romanticism for it's emphasis on the natural world and on emotion and justice. i think he'd like classic children's books too, like peter pan or alice in wonderland.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? he'd wanna eat lunch with his parents because he misses them <3

42. 3 comfort items? i had a long and nice answer for this but tumblr ate it (which pisses me off so much u have no idea) so i dont remember what i'd said. the earbud transmitters hotaru left him, but i cant remember the other two. ill reblog again if i remember.

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? i think ruka would like bread and pastries, lots of desserts. i dont have much of an inkling what he wouldn't like except that i believe he's a vegetarian so he wouldn't eat meat. i just dont understand how he could have such connection and empathy for animals, genuinely love them as friends, and have the animal pheromone alice on top of that, and eat them. i dont think he'd judge anybody for eating meat, but he wouldn't be able to himself.

44. Their happiest memory? meeting natsume <3

46. The person they most admire? natsume, mikan, and his mom. people whose strength he admires and maybe covets.

47. Their dream job? he wants to be a vet!!!!

48. Scariest moment of their life? poor ruka has gone through a lot of scary moments but i think he's managed to be brave each time anyway, which is very admirable. i keep saying natsume for all his answers, but i think natsume's death would be the scariest moment because he genuinely couldn't do anything to stop it. i think not only was it the moment he lost his best friend, but also a moment that made him feel like he really couldn't be of any help or support to natsume after all, that he really was a burden.

49. Favorite toy as a child? rich boy ruu-chan had a lot of toys and while i'm tempted to think he'd like stuffed animals, at the end of the day i think he'd be way more interested in playing with real animals. i think they made him feel accepted and understood and less alone.

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? i think the memories of the time between natsume dying and coming back would be a bit blurry. he wouldnt have been holding on tight to that period of time, to put it lightly.

Natsume <3

1. Canon I outright reject? I will never accept him dying young. sorry higuchi but i just cant listen to you.

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? natsume LOVES chocolate and sweets. why do so many people insist on him hating sweets just because he's "cool" i dont get it???

3. Obscure headcanon? he listens to rap and rap rock. im sorry i just. cant imagine he wouldn't love rap. whatever.

4. Favorite line? i love when one of the kids asks him to tutor him when the whole class is in study mode, saying, "i thought if i went in with a 'do or die' attitude then maybe..." and natsume replies, "then die." (i know it's hard to see but it's at the bottom, where ruka's face is.) ALSO on a more serious note, "can you wait for me?" because it KILLS me.

5. Best personality trait? how sweet he can be!!!! no but seriously natsume acts cool but he's the most hopeless romantic of the bunch and i live by that.

6. Worst personality trait? martyr complex.

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? who needs headcanon when we have canon!! natsume is ten (a couple months away from eleven) when he's introduced and the second youngest (only older than ruka) in the main four (the boys being younger than the girls is so cute). he's sixteen at the epilogue and in kageki <3. he's 140 cm/4'6 and 34.5 kg/76 lbs when we meet him, and 175 cm/5'9 and 72 kg/159 lbs at the epilogue.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? i think the popular opinion is that natsume is a baby boy who deserves peace and love after a childhood of rage and agony but if you disagree, i'll throw u off a cliff myself.

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? im gonna be real with u. he was my fav from the start. i never ever had negative feelings towards him ever from the beginning. is that weird? idk. i dont really care. i saw him with his mask and was determined to watch the whole anime just bc he was in it.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? it's really hard for me to answer this but i think my favorite natsume moment is when he finally rebels against the ESP and persona... something he'd always wanted to do but couldn't, finally given the chance through the knowledge that he'd rather be dead than allow mikan to live through the same suffering that he does.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? getting mikan to play the prince. he's so fucking stupid.

14. Most heroic moment? he wishes it was his death scene! i think his most heroic moment was when he decided to go to the academy for his sister. i pick this scene and not any others bc when natsume risks his life later on, part of it is motivated by suicidal ideation so it's kinda hard for me to think of those moments as anything but.

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? same answer as ruka's. yes i say this even knowing that he might have killed people during DA missions. those other ppl arent real to me; mikan is.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? again, zoe and i made a killer playlist for the main 4 ga characters. natsume's is the best though, we both agree. since, again, the playlist is still under construction, here are some tracks from it that suit him. (lots of them are triggering, particularly regarding thoughts of suicide, just as a warning.)

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? everything? trauma, self-image, martyr complex, suicidal ideation, dealing with terminal illness... there's a lot.

19. Vices/bad habits? he has a lot! the worst is his overuse of his alice.

20. Scars? i'm sure he has some. DA missions are not safe and although natsume is canonically immune to his own fire, he's not immune to flying shrapnel and rubble. i like the anime showing us some glimpses into what his missions might look like. we even got to see him get shot, an injury he (presumably) patched up himself instead of going to the hospital for, which is VERY in character. the anime NAILED that episode (chef's kiss, best episode ever, hands down).

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? cherry dr pepper (this is just a ridiculous joke zoe and i made that is now serious. what a sickening beverage)

22. Best physical feature? his eyes! so pretty. i also love his silky hair. he is SO pretty and has sUCH pretty eyelashes. most beautiful boy ever.

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? he'd be a lovely scent, very woody and foresty. not floral or sweet.

24. Most annoying habit? martyr complex.

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? it's hard to imagine natsume having a tumblr tbh but i think if he did it would be a little anticlimactic. he'd mainly just reblog stupid self-deprecating jokes and edgy music.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? jokes with ruka <3 teasing mikan <3 :)

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? sadly, natsume rarely cries. but he cries when he loses someone, so leaving his father, and i think he must have cried when he woke up after dying just to find out mikan was gone.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? a good day would probably be if he doesn't have to go on a mission. a perfect day would be the two christmases where he got to kiss mikan. i think he went to sleep very happy those nights.

36. Their favorite season? spring <3 though i always associate him with autumn and winter.

37. What they really think about themselves? BAD. not worth the trouble. exists for others. similar nonsense.

38. Favorite holiday? CHRISTMAS

39. Favorite game? playing cards with ruka! also its easy to imagine him being into video games, particularly violent ones.

40. Favorite book? i think he'd prefer manga to books but if he were to read books i think he'd like fucked up shit. maybe horror like stephen king or something.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? his mom

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? i base this off of official art (thus, canon), but pasta, chocolate, and strawberries are his favorite foods. i think he wouldnt like coffee (thats why he always drinks it in my fics lmao....) and i like imagining him as being a childishly picky eater. i dont really have any evidence for his dislikes. just vibes.

44. Their happiest memory? meeting ruka and both christmases <3

46. The person they most admire? i think he would admire his mother and yuka a lot. obviously, he also admires ruka and mikan, for being unlike him.

47. Their dream job? he simply does not dream of labor. it's really hard for me to come up with a job he'd love bc of how he's been forced to work as an actual child. he likes manga... maybe something involved with that?

48. Scariest moment of their life? when aoi burned down the village, though i do think he's had lots of scary moments after that too. i just think that was probably the moment he realized how powerless he really was, how much he was at the mercy of others simply bc he was a child.

49. Favorite toy as a child? i think he'd probably be a big fan of matchbox cars? or maybe im saying that bc i liked matchbox cars. (and also cuz theyre called matchbox cars). he seems to like basketball too!

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? natsume is a big ball of trauma so i wouldnt be surprised if there was plenty. i think he's kind of forced to compartmentalize a lot, since his experiences in the DA class are so gruesome and different from his school life, so he'd be forced to pretend like he didn't just go on a terrifying mission last night, which leads to unprocessed trauma and maybe even blurred memories.

Mikan <3

1. Canon I outright reject? if higuchi tachibana doubting that "natsume won" is canon, then i reject it. mikan MADE A CHOICE. in your manga, higuchi!!!! she even says, "these feelings i have only for you", which means the only person she loves romantically is natsume. higuchi YOU WROTE THIS.

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? ^^^ that one. also she's not a masochist.

3. Obscure headcanon? even though natsume can have a potentially atrocious taste in fashion, i think mikan would find his fits cute nonetheless, maybe just bc it's him!

4. Favorite line? I love when she tells natsume to join her team before the sports fest. she NEVER asks for anything from natsume or tells him how she feels but she takes a risk this once and it's wonderful until he rejects her and she takes a long while to recover from that moment where she finally put herself out there only to get turned down.

5. Best personality trait? perseverance, in regards to difficult times and difficult people.

6. Worst personality trait? toxic positivity

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? we have canon!! she is (unbeknownst to her) eleven years old when she first comes to the academy and is turning seventeen when we see her again in the last chapters. she's 138 cm/4'6 and 33 kg/73 lbs at her debut and 158 cm/5'2 and 47 kg/104 lbs at the last chapters.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? it's okay that she's stupid! i dislike when mikan is made so much smarter, or when they significantly alter her personality, in fics. i think she's pretty great the way she is!

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? HARD TO SAY. regrettably i wasn't always a huge fan of mikan, especially in the anime, bc i thought she was annoying. but i think when i matured just a little, it was hard to keep it up. i think i fully loved her on the second rewatch/reread. i couldnt tell u the specific scene bc it was too long ago.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? i reread just this little moment so often. i'm not saying it's a healthy moment, hiding her feelings until she's alone, but it's so her and it's so heart-crushing and tragic. i love it.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? she's frequently stupid, but i really enjoy this moment, just bc of how naive she is, both to natsume's situation and to her own feelings. (mikan, girl, you're in love with him.)

14. Most heroic moment? is there anything more heroic than this?

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? mikan rarely does things out of ill-will. i could say one of her well-intentioned blunders, but that feels cheap. i'll say this, then, when mikan tells natsume that him worrying about her is a bother. i'll talk about it during my essay, but mikan says that, against her urges to keep him with her, because she remembers the pain of him choosing luna over her and she, in that moment, reacts in a kneejerk way to make him hurt a little too. it's the only moment i can think of where she hurts somebody without at least meaning well. (and YES i know that this is right after luna told her to keep their encounter a secret, but mikan chooses to be cold to natsume in a way that she isnt towards hotaru or her other friends for asking similar questions.)

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves? mikan never admits anything to herself! that she loves natsume sticks out the most though.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? AGAIN, zoe and i made playlists for the main 4 but they're unsuitable for consumption right now, so here are some mikan flavored tracks!

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? her little useless complex as well as her toxic positivity and all the trauma she had to endure in a very short time frame.

19. Vices/bad habits? "keep smiling, mikan, no matter what!"

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? orange juice and orange soda

22. Best physical feature? her smile, allegedly! i love the way her eyes are drawn (my answer for everyone is eyes bc i LOVE the way higuchi draws eyes...). i, like natsume, also LOVE when her hair is down.

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? she'd be like her name, and have a fruity, floral scent! very sweet!

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? i think it would be super cute with lots of bright, fun colors, desserts, and positivity quotes.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? she smiles a lot. i like her genuine smiles, when she hears something she likes or spends quality time with people she loves.

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? mikan is sensitive! thus she cries a lot! she cries when people around her are hurt, she cries when she doesn't get what she wants, or when things get hard. i think it's sweet.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? spending time with her class b pals with some light antics and shenanigans, or hanging out with her senpais in the special ability class would make her happy. later, going on dates with natsume, too. <3

36. Their favorite season? summer, but the lovely thing is how happy and awestruck mikan seems to be by every passing season. she loves them all! it's very sweet, how much love she has for life.

37. What they really think about themselves? despite her tendency to see the beauty or value in everything, she doesn't see much in herself. she thinks of herself as ordinary, boring, useless. she knows that people love her smile but she thinks that's all she has to offer so she hides her negative feelings away. ;-;

38. Favorite holiday? new year's!!!

39. Favorite game? she loves all games, but especially sports and high-activity games

40. Favorite book? she'd like high-spirited books with wacky characters, like pippi longstocking, anne of green gables, or matilda.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? her parents and jii-chan

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? obviously she loves oranges and she eats lots of oranges in the manga. i like to think she shares hotaru's love for seafood, bc seafood reminds her of hotaru, but hotaru is so insane abt it that mikan seems to have a tame love in comparison. and HOWALON, obviously. i dont think mikan would dislike much food or be a picky eater bc she loves to eat <3

44. Their happiest memory? i think her school memories with her friends, particularly lighthearted moments, would stick out as happiest. the culture fest or the dodgeball game or swimming class.

46. The person they most admire? hotaru, natsume, ruka, etc. she admires lots of people. she has a tendency to see the good parts of people and to focus on them until that's the main thing she sees.

47. Their dream job? i like to see mikan in people-oriented, caring-based roles, like as a nurse or a teacher, where there's emphasis on helping people. i think she'd really thrive in a career like that. i especially like imagining her as a teacher. (her husband can share some pretty decent benefits from such a career afaik)

48. Scariest moment of their life? probably the whole night of the escape arc. no part of that was easy. the entire night was stressful and scary

49. Favorite toy as a child? she makes her own mikan dolls! mikan is awful at homemade things, like cooking or sewing, but she loves it anyway! i think she liked making her own toys and seeing the beauty in her ugly little creations.

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? i think mikan would try and remember the hard moments so that she can get stronger, just based on the way she talks about such moments, like after pengy dies.

[kimekaim]

From Anonymous, to You (Chapter 1)

"I have a delivery for Miss Julia Drossel! Is anyone home?" I persistently knocked on the door. Spring had truly started to show it's colors. Even though I was one of the busier gentlemen those days, I didn't quite mind waiting in front of a beautiful garden under an even more beautiful sky. The red-brick buildings that lined up along the clean stone road were a new and unusual sight for me, but I'd grown very fond of them. The joint melody produced by the rustling of leaves and the chirping of sparrows was suddenly disturbed by panicked footsteps originating from beyond the door. "Just a moment!", a raspy voice echoed from inside the house. As the footsteps got louder, I started hearing panting. "Seems they've realized I've been kept waiting long enough", I thought. The door opened to an expected sight. "I apologize for the wait. Please, do come inside!”, a woman gestured me to enter with a smile. I was not surprised at her appearance. Usually when you hear the word "Novel writer", a person sporting unkempt hair, and oversized clothes comes to mind. You imagine their burdened eyes having thick glasses over them and bags beneath them, practically begging to get some rest. A weak and exhausted appearance is not out of the picture either. This woman—my client, fulfilled all those generalizations. Even though I was the one who had waited, I felt bad for making this poor little creature run and sweat on her way to the door. I dropped my delivery at the entrance as she led the way and I followed. She took small, quick steps, like a child. I could see her messy auburn hair bouncing up and down as she hurriedly made her way to her sitting room. Judging from the crashing and rustling I heard as I was waiting outside, and the fact that her sitting room was oddly cleaner in contrast to the rest of the house, I deduced that she had quickly cleaned up her room while she kept me waiting outside. The room consisted of a dining table, and another, smaller table surrounded by some couches. Dozens of pages were littered all over the small table, accompanied by a typewriter. Miss Drossel extended her hand towards the nearest couch. "Please sit, I'll be right back with some tea", she said as she left the room, her voice having cleared up, her panting subsided. As I took the seat, my eyes scanned the room. The floorwork was intricate, the room was decorated with quite a few cabinets, each housing decorative utensils. The room contained a fireplace and multiple windows. Each window was covered with vines, and the room took on a green-and-yellow hue as the sunlight passed through the vines and illuminated the walls. My attention soon shifted to the object closest to me. The Underwood No. 4 desktop manual typewriter. It was manufactured in 1915 by the Underwood Typewriter company and quickly became the industry standard. It's been called the "Weapon of choice for working class women", though, it was also the preferred weapon of some men, including me. Next, my eyes fell on the unavoidable mess in front of me. Dozens of dozens of typed papers accompanied by even more crumpled up scraps lay on the table. I had started reading them before I even realized it. My curiosity was to be blamed, for the name Julia Drossel had been known to me for some time and enticed profound interest. She was a newly emerged author who had taken the literature world by storm. While other authors wrote stories with the themes of war, love, and honour, Miss Drossel wrote stories which were completely in the realm of fantasy, filled with fearsome, fire-breathing dragons, heroes, princesses, and monsters of every type. She had provided people with fresh, underused themes and she had recieved universal acclaim in return. That's not all of what contributed to her fame, she was apparently an eccentric figure, preferring to stay in seclusion instead of interacting with her fans. Moreover, she was awful when it came to meeting deadlines, and the general consensus was that she was abysmal at work management. Seeing her slovenly appearance and hearing her drop utensils in the kitchen when faced with the simple task of preparing tea did good to convince me of the truth of these rumors. Miss Drossel soon returned with two cups of tea, and let out a breath of relief as she finally sat down and got a chance to relax. "Forgive me for taking too long, writing has left me feeling more exhausted than usual these days", she remarked as she took a sip. "It's nothing. Thank you for the tea." "You are Mr. Eberfreya of the postal company, correct?" "Yes, madame. I take it that I'm to be tasked with assisting you in writing your novella?" Upon hearing those words, her expression drowned. I could empathize. I wondered if it was her frustration and lack of progress that drove her to request a typist. "Yes, that is correct. My work has slowed down to a halt since the past week, so I'm in rough waters right now." It was just as I had deduced. "I'm assuming that you need an extra pair of hands in order to be able to meet your deadline, ma'am?" I questioned. “I wish that were the case, but no, that’s not it. I…..need you to ghost-write for me”. That was strike two. My deductions proved correct twice in a row, but I still found it hard to believe what I was hearing. My deductions were but a hunch, a mere feeling that I followed. This was the last request I had expected to receive from an author of this caliber, who had proven their skill with the pen time and time again. I did a poor job at hiding my surprise. Miss Drossel must have expected a reaction. She gazed down at the floor in slight embarrassment upon witnessing my noticeably open jaw and widened eyes. “Ye—Yes of course! Please instruct me and I shall put your feelings into words.” The words came pouring out of my mouth, which was forming an awkward smile. I wanted to end this uncomfortable silence as soon as possible. The timid lady in front of me took a sip of tea and turned her head towards her window, sporting a dreaming expression as she gazed outside. The collective chirping of birds and clicking of insects coming from outside combined with the yellow and green hue of her meticulous sitting room created quite the memorable ambience as we sat there in complete silence. “My feelings....... I want to write a story that’s capable of pulling tears, touching hearts, being empathized with, and bringing forth a change of heart in every soul that reads it.” “Got it. You want to write a fantasy story with a greater focus on emotion rather than action this time.” “No.” She snapped back. She hunched forward, resting her elbows on the table. She made a stern face. This clumsy and petite young woman had an admirable seriousness when it came to her work. “I want to write a story that will leave its mark on the readers’ hearts for years to come. Such an effect can never be achieved through a fantasy story. People read those stories because the charisma of the heroic protagonist compels them to. They read it for the thrill they get when they see the twists and turns that the hero faces throughout his adventures. They read it because they crave action. Such stories carry no emotional weight. I have learned that because I have failed to achieve that effect.” And I agreed. But what was she going towards here? “This time…. I want to write a story that embraces realism. I cannot reach the hearts of my readers through the charming princes I write, or the shining knights I conjure. If I hope to capture their hearts, I must write stories that relate to them. I must create characters that they can empathize with.” Miss Drossel sat back on her couch, and continued, “Empathy……Empathy is what I want to write about. Do you know what the meaning of empathy is, Eberfreya?” “I think…. Empathy is when you acknowledge the pain that others are going through”, I answered. Pardon me for not being the most well-spoken person in the room. “Correct, but that’s not all there is to it. A wise man once said, ‘Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.’ The word empathy not only refers to acknowledging the pain of others, but also putting yourself in their shoes. You try to imagine yourself as that person, going through the same pain”. “In other words, Eberfreya. Empathy is the mother of understanding. And understanding breeds kindness. What do you do when you see a weak-looking cat outside your house?” I went into deep thought. What would I do if faced with such a situation? I would obviously be annoyed if I saw a malnourished feline waiting for me at the door. What was I supposed to do? Upon seeing me perplexed at this simple question, Miss Drossel opened her mouth to reveal the answer. I could spot some concern on her face. “Feed it, perhaps?” I quickly spoke. I had never fed a cat before, nor had I even had the notion of doing so. Thinking of cats and what to do with them, I was reminded of my boss. An obvious cat enthusiast, he would order separate milk bottles daily, reserved solely for the neighborhood cats. He had made it so that the company employees and the cats shared the same lunch break. Everyday at 2pm, while we ate our lunches inside, he would step outside and enjoy his time with the cats as they feasted. Remembering him was what enabled me to finally answer the Miss’ question. “E-Exactly! You would feed the cat because you’d deduce from it’s thin stature that it’s probably not been getting enough food. That is empathy. You imagine yourself as the cat, and you think about what you want if you were starving like that cat. That allows you to gain an understanding of that cat’s situation. That in turn, gives way to kindness on your part.” The lady conversing with me was making a dumbfounded expression. Perhaps she expected me to be educated in this matter. I was quite the opposite. “I...I see” My face was like that of a toddler trying to understand a difficult concept. Empathy led to understanding, which made acts of kindness inevitable. I need just imagine myself as another being, another soul, and I would become capable of kindness. That was all I understood from this schooling I had just received. Perhaps being kind was not the arduous task I thought it was. “I have written my fair share of fantasy. My readers will never truly empathize with characters which do not trudge paths which are similar to their own. My readers must have characters which are comparable to themselves. My characters must be human, like my readers. My story must be realistic enough that one may even be forgiven for mistaking it for non-fiction.” I had already figured out what she was trying to say. People who will be flipping through the pages of Miss Drossel’s next work would be anticipating excitement and action, yet all they will receive will be constant, merciless pulls on the strings of their hearts. Miss Drossel desired to put something new in store for her loyal fans this time.

After taking her last sip of tea, Miss Drossel decided to the beat around the bush no longer.

“Eberfreya, You are to assist me in creating a modern spectacle. This year, the imagination of the common man shall not be dominated by archaic tales and folklore, as it has been for so long, rather, we shall breathe new life into the world of words and expose the literary masses to new and foreign wonders.” “Well then, madame”, I spoke as I removed my leather gloves. “May we shake on it for good fortune in our upcoming endeavor?” Perhaps pleased with my quick uptake on the task at hand, the Miss responded with a smile as we both reached forward. Our hands met in agreement above the typewriter and hundreds of blank papers waiting to be filled, two weapons powerful enough to bring about a cultural revolution. Two stories interwined Prologues unknown, Epilogues unknown Their past was nothing but a disheveled thread of fate Will it unravel, will it become known?

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Hi! If you're ok dealing with illnesses and such, could I have a story in which Sirius has a fatal illness so he leaves James (who may or may not be already is boyfriend) without a word, and James is depressed and angry, but in the end they have a happy reunion (as happy as possible). You choose whether this is a character death fic or not... Thank you!

James woke to a cold bed. It was hardly the first time, and it was becoming a more regular occurrence with every week.

Sirius had taken to waking up in pain and not being able to do anything about it. He was allowed three pills, one with each meal, but the one from dinner never lasted long enough. The others didn’t last long enough either, but he was already awake with them. He woke up in the wee hours of the morning-- so early it could be considered last night-- and almost never made it back to sleep. He used to toss and turn for a while before giving up, but recently he’d started leaving as soon as he woke. He snagged a nap or two during the day, but James still worried that he wasn’t getting enough rest. If he woke early enough in the night, sometimes he’d make it back to bed to catch a few hours with James.

James sighed, not feeling any remnants from his night of sleep. He woke and just felt tired. He checked the clock and turned off the alarm before it had a chance to beep. It was an hour before he needed to be up, but he couldn’t go to sleep to an empty bed any more than Sirius could sleep through the night now.

He rubbed at his eyes and pulled his glasses on. Swung his legs off the bed and levered himself up. “Sirius?” he called once he was out of their room. He didn’t hear a reply, but that didn’t mean much. Sirius couldn’t talk very loud these days. He’d gotten upset one day a month ago and yelled, then couldn’t so much as whisper for the next three days. He hadn’t tried to yell or raise his voice since.

He found Sirius sat in the recliner, watching the telly. “Good morning.” He walked over and pat Sirius’s shoulder since a hug would definitely involve some form of contortion. Sirius didn’t react or otherwise respond. “You hungry?” He shook his head. “When was the last time you ate something?” He kept staring at the screen. “Okay. I need to go to the store tonight, so I’m afraid it’s just cereal and toast for us this morning.”

“I can’t do this,” Sirius whispered, eyes not moving.

“Tell you what, I’ll make your fancy arse some crepes tomorrow morning.” Like when we first got married, he thought, but didn’t say.

“...Okay,” Sirius said, but he still didn’t glance at James. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic, and James tried not to take it personally; Sirius didn’t get excited about much of anything now, even his favourite breakfast food. The last time he’d seen him anywhere approaching excitement was when the doctor upped the strength of his pain meds two months ago. And before that? He couldn’t venture a guess.

There was a table beside Sirius’s chair, and James set butter and jam on it before making the toast and putting the cereal together.

“So- er I’m gonna be working kind of late tonight,” James said once they started eating. “Shouldn’t be later than nine, I just need to catch up on some things.” When Sirius didn’t say anything, James asked, “You got any plans?”

“Yeah I’m gonna climb Everest,” Sirius said flatly.

James swallowed his food, and if it was a little thicker going down- well, that was probably the jam. “You could hang out with Pete.”

“I saw him yesterday,” he lied.

“Well you could always--”

“I’m well aware of what my three options are,” Sirius snapped.

“...Right. Sorry.” They finished eating with only the noise from the telly keeping them company. James put everything away and told Sirius he was taking a shower. Sirius didn’t respond, and James added that to the list of things that were different. The past month had been particularly hard on Sirius, and James didn’t know what he could do to help, or even if there was anything he could do.

He got dressed and ignored how stuffy it felt. His briefcase was by the door, ready and waiting, so James pat Sirius’s shoulder again before leaving. “Love you. Remember, if you need anything, just text me.”

Sirius looked at the door when it closed, waiting for the lock to click as proof that James wasn’t coming back in. He picked up his phone and texted Remus and Peter.

Hey guys. Can you come over and help me with something?

Slowly, he got out of his recliner. It was a mixture of pushing and pulling and scooting to get up, and he hated that he couldn’t get out of the chair like a goddamn normal person. He grabbed his oxygen tank as he stood, pulling it along with him as he walked to the room they had shared.

He was lucky James was unobservant. The poor man hadn’t noticed the dozens of boxes Sirius had bought last week. He probably didn’t suspect, not even a hint. Sirius started pulling them out a few at a time and hated that he was too tired to cry. James deserved at least a few tears from him, and he couldn’t even give him that.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he checked it. Remus and Peter were on the way. Carefully, he lowered himself to his knees and felt around for the tape gun. It didn’t take very long-- and certainly wasn’t strenuous-- but the angle he was bent at had him breathing shallowly by the time he straightened.

He put a box together and started piling his clothes in. He didn’t get very far when there was a knock on the door, and he headed over to let them in.

“Hey mate,” Remus said with a tentative smile as they walked in. “What’s up?”

“Will you help me pack?”

“Sure,” Peter said. “Getting rid of some old stuff?”

“Erm. No.”

“Oh are you and James moving?” Remus asked, sharing a look with Peter. “We had tea earlier this week, and neither of you said anything.”

“I am moving. He’s not.”

They froze. “You broke up?” Peter asked quietly.

Sirius didn’t say anything. The less he had to lie, the better. “It’s mostly just the medical shite I need help with.”

“Sirius…” Remus started, “I’m not sure we should be doing this without James. There’s no way he just left you to do all this yourself.”

“I’m not by myself,” Sirius argued.

“Sirius--”

“You can interrupt him at work and get him in worse trouble with his boss, or you can shut it and help me. Or I guess you can leave. Just- just shut it.”

“...Okay.”

James came home to an empty house and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t notice that Sirius’s boots weren’t by the door or that his coat wasn’t on the hook. His arms were full of groceries, and he set them down on the table before going to get the rest. Back when Sirius could still raise his voice, he used to shout little ‘Welcome home!’-s at James-- or at least he did for a little bit. There was nothing like that now, not that he expected there to be. “Sirius? Did you already eat? I grabbed some takeaway,” he called out, and didn’t get any response. Sirius had been all-but ignoring him all week, but James didn’t even hear the telltale roll of his oxygen tank or the shuffle of his feet to come eat. He put away the rest of the perishables before going to look for him to force some food down his throat. Loss of appetite or no, Sirius needed to eat.

He didn’t hear the telly going, but he checked the living room anyway. Maybe he’d gotten to sleep a little early tonight. He paused. Frowned. Sirius’s pillow was gone, but he never took it outside the house and James hadn’t seen it anywhere else. He stuck his head out into the hallway just to make sure the loo was empty (it was).

His heart froze when he turned back to see the note that had been placed on the foot of the bed.

Sorry

In a sudden burst of motion, James checked the dresser, the closet, the bathroom, and the living room, getting more tense with each empty space he saw. No clothes, no shoes, no meds, and no medical equipment.

He paced from place to place, looking at the exact same spots with desperation, wanting to will Sirius’s belongings back into existence. His third time around, he snatched a photo from the mantelpiece and clutched it to his heart, fingers white with how hard he was gripping it. It was a photograph from their wedding, back before Sirius had gotten sick, and back when Sirius felt more towards him than annoyed tolerance. Tolerance that apparently wasn’t there any longer. He left.

James collapsed to the floor with a sob, pressing the frame to himself with such force it was leaving indentations in his skin.

~~~

James’s boss was happy that he was showing up to work consistently again, and he was no longer in danger of being fired. That was good. He didn’t feel good.

He couldn’t bring himself to call Sirius. It wouldn’t help; he wouldn’t answer. He had called Remus and Peter though. They told him what happened as far as they knew. They stayed and had a few drinks with him while he cried. He told them that he wasn’t going to press them for information about Sirius, so they could continue to be both of their friends, if they wanted. He was sure they heard the plea in his voice that they not leave Sirius all alone.

The last time they’d been to the doctor, he’d told Sirius, “Anywhere from four months to two years. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific than that.” Sirius could be dead in three months, and he’d have to be told by their other friends. Sirius could be on his deathbed, and James wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

After a week, he had texted Sirius.

Do you want a divorce?

Sirius had texted back, but his response did nothing to comfort James.

Too much hassle. Just wait it out.

The phrase ‘four months to two years’ bounced around in his head. Before he could lose his nerve, James called him. The line rang for so long he knew Sirius was deciding whether or not to answer it. When the noise cut, he thought it was over, that that was it.

But Sirius said, “What.”

James closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. “Why’d you leave?” he asked, his voice small enough to fit a mouse.

Sirius listed off an address.

“What?”

“That’s where I’m living. If we’re going to talk?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it should be in person. Just. Come over.” He paused, then added, as if he could feel James’s hesitation, “Please?”

James sighed, and he knew it could be heard through the phone. He was going to agree, they both knew it, and he was hopeful about the conversation even though he wanted not to be. “Yeah okay. Where are you?”

Sirius repeated his address and James said it back to confirm.

“I’ll be there soon.”

It didn’t take him long to arrive, and he probably spent more time waiting in the car and staring at the flat’s door than traveling. When he finally knocked, the door opened almost immediately, meaning that Sirius had been standing, waiting for him. Before he could feel guilty about that, he noticed that Sirius looked to be in the same shape as the last time James had seen him. Not stellar, but still as healthy as he could be.

They stared at each other for a moment. Sirius fiddled with the tube going over his ear and stepped back. “Come on in.”

James shut the door behind him, looking around the small space feeling like someone was squeezing his chest. It was a studio, the only piece of furniture a futon that had Sirius’s pillow on it despite the fact that it was currently set up as a couch. His clothes were still in boxes, and he had the books he’d taken in a stack against the wall. His tablet was charging atop the stack, propped against the wall paused on a movie. Medical equipment took up the most space, even with it collapsed and condensed as much as it could be. He hadn’t bothered to put his array of medicine in the bathroom, instead leaving it out on the counter-- probably so he wouldn’t have to get up every few hours. It was obvious that Sirius wasn’t bothering to settle in, but James didn’t hold his breath that it was because Sirius was planning on coming back.

Sirius didn't start, not that James expected him to. Hoped, yes. Expected, no.

“You took off your ring,” was the first thing out of James’s mouth.

Sirius looked at his hand, rubbing at the pale band of skin. “Yeah. It didn’t… it didn’t feel right. To keep wearing it after I left, I mean.”

“I…” James trailed off, not knowing what he could say. James sighed and looked down at his own hand, ring still firmly in place. “Can’t say I feel the same.”

“You don’t know what I feel,” Sirius said, and for once there was no bite to it.

They sat in silence for a little bit, only the sounds of their breathing-- one more laboured than the other-- to fill the room. “Why’d you leave?”

“You were miserable, James. I was making you miserable. And I… I hated myself for it. Any time you were happy, I would just tear you down so you felt as shitty as I did.”

James didn’t disagree. He had never blamed Sirius for it though. He couldn’t imagine what it felt like, to be perfectly healthy one day, and the next not be able to breathe on your own. “I didn’t care. I don’t care.”

Sirius let out a wet laugh, and it was only then that James glanced over and saw that he was crying. His first thought was, Crying makes it harder for him to breathe. The thought jolted him. He’d been so focused on Sirius’s sickness that he had ignored Sirius. “I’m sorry,” he rushed out.

Sirius rubbed at his nose with his sleeve ineffectually. “For what?” he asked, and it didn’t sound like he had a list in mind.

“For not treating you like my husband.” Because that’s what it came down to: James had been acting as some sort of live-in nurse that was trying to be his friend. Sirius paused for the barest of moments, but it was enough for James to know that he was right. When was the last time James had kissed him? He told him that he loved him, sometimes. Not every day, and sure as hell not as often as he thought it. “Is that why you left?”

“It’s not- not the only reason. We weren’t communicating, and it just made everything worse.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that anymore. I can’t.”

“We’re communicating now,” James said. “We just have to try, and we can do this. I want to make this work, Sirius. I want this to work so much, I can’t imagine losing you before I have to because we didn’t feel like talking once a week.”

“It’s not that simple,” Sirius said, but he wasn’t as firm as he had been in the beginning.

“I love you. More than anything else, Sirius, I love you. Do you love me?”

“James--” Sirius started to protest, but James asked him again.

“Do you love me?”

Sirius looked at him, eyes red rimmed and nose sniffling. “Yes. But this isn’t- it’s not going to be easy.”

“Does that mean you’re coming back home?” James asked hopefully. “I know it won’t be easy, I know we have a lot to work on, I know.” Tentatively, he took one of Sirius’s hands in both of his own. “We can do this. Please, Si, please.”

The moment before Sirius answered seemed to stretch for eternity, and James nearly collapsed in joy when he did. “Okay.” Surprisingly-- at least to James-- Sirius leaned forward and pressed wet, desperate kisses to his lips. He leaned back to grab his ring from his trouser pocket and put it on, leaning back in immediately after he was done and throwing his arms around James’s waist. “I missed you so much.”

James was kissing back just as desperately. “Me too. I missed you so much. Love you so much.”

They didn’t leave right away, holding each other for as long as it took to convince themselves that things were getting better.

It took a while.

“I never made you crepes.”

“Rude.” Sirius kissed his jaw. “You’ll have to make it up to me.”

“Aw c’mon you ran away.”

“That’s not my problem.”

James chuckled, hiding his face in Sirius’s hair. “I love you,” he said again, because he couldn’t hold it in and expect everything to be fine.