#it didnt do much but it mightve been slightly better than this idk i cant tell

[soggypotatoes]

anyone wanna tell me about their experiences with antidepressants

I'm gonna have to figure out what to do soon, I went off mine recently bc my depression was very bad when I was on them. but going off them landed me in a suicide attempt. Ive been on various different meds for nearly 9 years now and have found them all to be a little bit helpful until they're not. I'm trying to decide whether I should just try raw dogging it for a while (I'm in intensive therapy so not untreated at all) or if I should keep trying :/

[kusundei]

oh god forbid. see i was sorta prepping for it earlier bcuz??? wdym. im going to see my nutritionist. follow up or not i remember what they said and wdym its IN PERSON. like jesus christ but nooo. i. expected it i think. when they asked me how much i weighed before i was just like heh idk. i think that mightve fucked me over bcuz i think they think i lost??? like 25-30lbs in??? a few months???? which isnt . horrible but not ideal. its just taking into context the time i spent staying a consistent 160ish after recovery or whatevet and then suddenly dropping down to what. ???? im assuming ???? im??? 140??? or high 130s???? its the way they didnt let me look at the scale but informed me ive lost. like im aware sorta.

just glad they didnt tell my mom. made it a whole thing explaining my recovery and therapy and how i am not DISORDERED. but its inclined them to question my testosterone again bcuz its “not normal” like yeah i know. and then again i also just like look the same like sorry??? thats not me being evil and disordered i swear on my life i havent changed. the only reason i know is because of the scale and also . okay maybe my pants. everything fits me better now. clothes r bigger i suppose but i still??? am the same??? like idk .

no im not. evil. they asked me the same question again if i was . relapsing. or even just thinking ab my weight again and tbh not really??? thats the thing. im not??? like no ive accepted ive always just been on the bigger side. im well aware its not something i try to change anymore jusr cuz im aware even if i lose i wont be happy w myself regardless.. which is evil but at least im self aware. its judt like idk. iiii dont know. i truly am judy not hungry most of the time but i know my body is lashing me for it slightly. getting the same kind of pains i get when i dont eat but i cant eat??

like . idk. im not rlly considering the fact im restricting on purpose but maybe if i truly think ab it maybe i am..??? idk. just the same thing over and over. oh i wont eat yet its too early. im not hungry enough ill eat later. i cant eat this in front of these people??? oh you want my food judt take it??? like idk. same thing . i definitely eat like i wont not let myself not eat for a day thats too evil for me. i guess if anything i am sorta acknowledging my. bad. relationship. w food. idk its weird though cuz . im?? evil????

idk it just reminds me like. im fine eating in front of sav. i suppose thats a time thing but its also just chz shes the one person who will lash me sincerely if i dont eat. then theres ayden and idgaf. aleena. ethan. etc. I dont rlly care and i think that stems mostly from.??? the fact??? they???? eat??? more??? than i do???? which is fucking HORRIBLE TO ADMIT its just like. idk. maybe rhats what it is. reminds me of kyle. my anorexic king like i get it. stop spitting pro-ed shit at me . idc youre restricting idc you think youre fat like buddy. r you patronizing me.

im joking. its just like??? idk. i guess im just keeping it on the dl. family definitely notices though??? oh how uncomfortable i am eating in front of family wtf. reminds me of matthews birthday i was getting lashed. here and there over and over just. r you gonna eat??? why arent you eating yet??? like i know. and no i was sorta hungry its just i knew i cpuldnt rlly stomach anything and jrs weird. like holy fuck was i tweaking i kept. talking to myself. assuring myself it was okay and nobody was judging me and they WANT ME TO EAT and its no big deal loke what the fuck. idk. it was so weird i sat down and tried eating that burger and jesus. i wanted to throw up??? but i knew i needed to eat?? i was hungry but i couldnt stomach it??? also nervous because i was being perceived like jesus christ.

i think. as much as im like rotating bsck and forth i might. be. a bit evil. restricting wise. idk its just my body keeps doing it to me and its. ??? im also fighting that. acknowledgement that i am being. competitive again. see i never got that competitive feeling all too much except w jd cause it was.??? idk??? she was enabling me??? this time around genuinely no one is im just doing it to myself. ESPECIALLY W AJAX LIKE JESUS. what thre fuck am i doing. whyyy do i care its not like hes going to lash me??? he asks me if ive eaten??? reminds me to eat??? asks me to??? like he is NOT lashing me. ??? but why am i??? being??? so evil??? about it???

it comes and goes though. its just horrible to admit that guilty feeling i get all the time when i eat and its likr god fucking forbid. i thought i was over this. ill be honest i mean like?? i could probably get over it. i just need to. again. separate the two. its a constant battle of reminding myself ajax is not jd (obviously) and hes not going to lash me over these things. that he doesnt want me to be evil and bad and worse because he cares and hes not secretly judging me and plotting against me??? that hes not lying to me and everything is okay??? like idk thats just evil sam. i just need to chill out i think. i just hate how it comes and goes like sometimes i eat like a normal human being and then sometimes i eat like nothing at all. like today. im not hungry. mom is lashing me ab eating right now buuut. oh god forbid will she ask me about the appt if i sit w her.

rambling alot idk im just. im aware. i know. i sont need a nutritionist or a psychiatrist to tell me what im already aware of. im not disordered anymore but im not denying the fact i might be a bit evil again. just trying not to enable myself??? like everythint isss okay. just glad they agreed not to tell my mom. like she doesnt need to know this. but ill have to talk ab this w ellis the next time i see them^_^;;;. oh but everything is okay… im fineee im normal im healthy im okay. IMMM OKAY. i loveee my boyfriend oh god i miss him so bad. praying he comes to school and hes okay . siiighhh……. i need school to end but i also need it to keep going. just. ugh. i sont wanna go to school tmr but i also want to. so idk. GOD FUCKING FORBID i cant but irs okay im full of love 💗

[nobody-knose--archive]

this is about the worst time for me to make a liveblog but. fuck it rickshaw stop concert liveblog

-coming in just at the end of wtth, red went too early with the operatic stuff and andrew just went ham on the keyboard. he did vocals once or twice too! hell yeah

-the bidding next? the bidding next. havent looked at the whole setlist yet but oh boy. someone fix their microphones they are too quiet

-hey damn dramatic lighting alright

-that’s a hella wonky synth sound youve got going on what’s up with that, liking the good work andrew

-zubin i beg of you. where have your eyes gone. now i want to see eldritch zubin. goddam it emo boi

-those are the most synthed trumpets ive ever heard hoo boy

-mics could really really be better zubin’s so quiet compared to the others. and andrew’s singing‽ i couldnt even hear him!

-piano’s good and audible though and that’s always swell

-hello to you t- oh we’re going straight into misery fell of all songs? sure as hell wasnt expecting that from a 2008 show without vests

-i suppose the banter mightve just been cut out there are some clear cuts in this upload

-wonderful shot of eldritch zubin here

-wasnt expecting the flute synth but go off andy

-interesting camera angles! twists and turns and closeups i like it, would prefer more than background ross in the zubin shots

-wonder why they clearly do a tralalalala instead of a lalala here but not in the album version. i understand cutting out the call-and-response but the tralala seems perfectly reasonable to me

-woo blurry ross shot kick it good man!

-red’s face is really interesting to look at the way he enunciates everything and bobs his head as he does it. idk maybe it’s just the focal part of the shot but it’s a real sight to behold

-whoo instrument change? haiku? wait there’s a tambourine... &? introductions are nice? oh wait “you’re hot” “i’m too much, or not enough”. huh

-dramatic fade-ins lovely just what we need. didnt really expect to get acoustic guitar on this song out of all of them. it hasnt got that for the studio version has it?

-wait a minute how long has red been sitting on the floor. this isnt praise you dude get up. are you just going to stay there? i mean i wont stop you

-kinda liking the spotlight on rob

-oh there’s red coming up for the chorus with his electric guitar. fucker

-in general are these cameras dirty? everything’s slightly smudged

-oooh hell yeah synth solo kick it andy didnt see that coming overpower that guitar wahoo

-exactly one second of zubin’s banana bass baddiggle jiggle, rewind another second, and then into banana man we go. hold on all the tags where i called zubin’s bass dance his badiggle jiggle havent come out yet. well you guys can get context in like 3 weeks dont worry

-you’ll get. a lot of stuff in 3 weeks. like multiple weeks of pure tally hall queue content. i’m so sorry

-i didnt know rob straight up would be playing a bongo in this one, a maraca of some kind’s normal but not a full on drum. still go Off man slap that drum hell yes

-i’m going to say the same about ross hit those gotdam drums you’re killing it bro

-quick lil leap for the mic for a “wheee” i like that

-red’s taking on a slightly different accent for this chunk. not sure how to feel about that

-oh now i cant hear his voice. lovelyyyy

-KICK IT ROSS

-& ANDY

-& ZUBIN & ROB HELL YEAH YOURE DOING AMAZING SWEETIES

-preemptive clapping? is this crowd new to tally hall? they did introduce themselves a bit earlier

-i wonder how it feels to be a tally and know you’ll never be as good a whistler as bora karaca

-seriously zubin’s more audible than red here

-oh they are doing praise you! time to put the emo hair on full exhibition. hang on zubin’s turned away from the audience and rob’s putting something in his ear is there something wrong darlings

-good lord i need to stop calling people darling i called my goddam older brother darling earlier today this is a disaster it’s getting too late for this shit

-wait a minute i can almost mostly see zubin’s eyes cool. anyway time for rob to ruin his wrists roughing up a tambourine

-wait red’s taking over? come on zubin youre better than this. actually he’s looking kinda sweaty you can sit this one out actually

-snapping too that one’s new. i think. havent seen too many recordings of this.

-and now it’s being handed off to rob! who’s next, andy? god i hope so

-boi pleaese your hands they must be hurting i beg of you robert give your wrists a break

-zub absolutely groovin it up over here. as he should. shame his eyes are gone though

-is that andy on the high harmonies? because not only are the others doing their vocalises but their mic is absolutely not picking them up well enough for it to be them. good for him, didnt know he had the range

-hell yeah kick it dude

-what is rob singing here? actually i dont care ignore that. i could listen to the original song or another recording or read the lyrics but i actually do not care at all

-is the room bathed in blue because it’s zubin’s color? that’d be rad

-GO HAM BOYSSSS. Hit that vibraslap, Smack that tambourine, Groove on that piano, Get Movin on those drums, Shake that whatever it is, let’s fucknig goooo

-epic catch of the tambourine i love these men

-seriously though ross does such a good job on this

-i cant say ive ever understood the lil crouch move they make at the end of this. assuming it’s a reference to something, like a performance of the original song, because otherwise i think someone else wouldve pointed it out by now

-there’s still 2 more songs, oh but considering the big change from that cut i’m assuming there mightve been a quick break in between, zubin drinking and red with an acoustic guitar & all

-this fukcer’s cheekbones will be the death of me. i know this makes me sound h*rny but from an aesthetic point of view theyre just so defined and make up so much of his facial structure i just cant. comprehend them idk they always catch my attention. i think i’m too tired for this

-ross’s performance in this song is terribly underrated he’s so damn good he needs more respect

-is it just the camera angle or is zubin way separated from the others?

-ive actually more or less figured out the major roaming bassline you know and love/the trickling harp part for the piano. the problem was the sheet music i used to figure it out was a whole band arrangement, so i had to mentally transpose some like clarinet & french horn parts into normal to know how to play them. and that’s why i think we’re not going to cover that one any time soon

-it had like 9 parts seriously we cant play it based on that sheet music and unless someone knows some quick easy and free transposition software i am not doing that whole song

-like please. can i get piano sheet music for the piano part of this song. i dont want to deal with flute and clarinet and trumpet and tuba please

-that’s andy on the mr moon isnt it? red’s voice is distincly separate and he’s done it before for live performances though i think it’s red’s voice for the studio recording. he sounds good

-hmm. a c# e d f# a e g# e d f# a a c# e d f# a b (no wait let me check something) g# e f d b a yeah that’s right

-please! if you’re going to show me andy vocals let me hear andy vocals i love his voice

-i love zubin too but he shouldnt be the loudest guy here. at least i can enjoy ross’s drum mastery

-wh theyre not going to do the lil acoustic outro? aw man. well on to the last song

-yeah these guys have got to be new. oh to be someone who’s never heard tally hall before and to come to a show and see 5 guys in colorful ties play a wide variety of rocklike songs and then hear them say theyve got a cd on april first and an internet show around the same time. oh to be even older than i am now the year my little brother was born

-it’s getting late i need to wrap this up

-shit who was the band from the boralogues that did tap dancing. i dont remember

-according to a commentor a ross drum flip from the boralogues is also in this but i didnt notice

-heyy different lyrics for turn the lights off. “turn the toners” is that what they said? i need to shut up and listen

-for the longest time i thought it was “and everybody wants to get eaten tonight” which i think makes about as much sense as wanting to get evil but it carries v*re connotations and we all know how tally hall feels about vore

-i have such a hard time differentiating zubin’s voice i didnt even notice he sings this verse goddam it

-man i really wish i could hear whatever the hell andy’s doing better

-there he is! i bet i could learn that riff if i tried hard enough

-i know rob’s not exactly meant to be heard well hear but hey i enjoy hearing whatever affirming actually positive major key stuff he has to say at these liveshows get up and close with that mic man

-couldnt care less what red’s saying though

-”nights pAST iN” best microphone quality of the whole night 10/10 yep it’s still 10/10 i can still make that joke hell yes

-this song does have strong red & blue vibes actually

-if andy isnt singing here i swear to god

-”sleepy child” haha that’s me

-love that effect at the end. i should do the same right now immediately. good night. thank you!

[superrcell]

ooooo for the video game ask thing botw or ffxv!!! :3c (sorry if thats a bit boring but im so interested in hearing ur thoughts about those soundtracks! :D)

hdsjkghjk dw those are both great i would love to talk about them and im doing both because. i never get a chance to talk about them and i have nothing better to do so long post time

botw

Fav Character Theme

tbh... revali’s theme, actually. i dont like revali all that much but his theme is so so beautiful i love it so much. i dont think i really realized how much i love his theme until just about right now, actually. i also love sidon’s theme, but i think that revali’s is actually my favorite. 

Fav Area Theme

hmm.... i think the hyrule castle interior, honestly. though the stables theme is also really up there. hyrule castle is just really nice and i love the atmosphere it has, but also the stables just... makes me feel safe its always so nice to hear it off in the distance when playing. oh and also the flight range... its so pretty. ohhh and the sheikah tower theme.... this is so hard so many areas of the game are so good. 

Fav Battle Theme

tbh... i think the talus battle theme! idk its just really good ghdsgk i really think that it really perfectly captures fighting just a big rock + i love the mix of the instruments that are playing + i dont hear it too often. i really like the guardian battle theme, too, though, but i think that the talus battle theme is slightly better because idk.. it doesnt feel as... empty as the middle part of the guardian battle theme? yeah. 

WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE MOLDUGA THEME. ITS THAT ONE DEFINITELY. ive listened to this one so so much its soooo so good. ESPECIALLY the second half. i love those string instruments.

Fav Boss/Final Boss Theme

absolutely divine beast vah ruta’s theme... vah medoh’s comes in second but something about vah ruta’s has just really stuck with me. its just so so so beautiful. i think its because it really reminds me of the first time i was doing the quest.. idk the music just perfectly captures the moment.

Personal Fav Theme

its really really hard to choose because i love literally everything else ive mentioned, but i think its the dragon’s theme. like... literally everything about that song is so good, and hearing it in-game... its just really so good. 

A song you didn’t like at first but grew to like

i dont know if i didnt like it at first, though i probably did, but the cave theme, i think. idk its just really.. idk not something i would normally like, and the high notes are kinda uneasy to listen to somewhat, but i love hearing it in the game it just. makes for a really good atmosphere, makes me feel safe. idk i love it a lot now. i also really have to mention i love the field (freezing cold) song... like i love love love the cold song and i dont think i wouldve ever enjoyed this as much as i do because its not really like? that much of a song? but yeah i love it. 

One of the first songs you heard from the game

i would say the main theme! i never saw any of the trailers beforehand, so the first song i heard was just... the first song in the game! and its a really really good song so.

A song that gets you pumped

i know i just mentioned these two but really divine beast vah ruta and vah medoh’s themes really do. like theyre just so good.. but something i havent mentioned: the divine beasts strike! (and then really all dark beast/calamity ganon songs but gdhjsgkjsj) 

A song that makes you happy

tbh, i think the song in link’s memory with the silent princess! its hard to find songs that make me really like... happy, ig, but this part is like.  my favorite memory it makes me so happy watching and listening to the song reminds me of it. and then also i think the main theme! because im sentimental gdbsjkghjkds

A song that makes you sad

idk! i dont know any songs really make me all that sad, either. i think ill say the epilogue because again im. sentimental 😢

The song you like least from the game

i think tarrey town actually x_x its not bad but its just so annoying when it comes up on the playlist because its. 10 minutes long of almost the same song. but its really really cool how it changes! though for a song that i dont like because of the music, hm... im just going through the ost right now and i dont like divine beast vah rudania’s theme. i also dont like the themes when youre inside the beasts that much, either, or the [x]blight ganon themes that much. this is too many songs huh gdhsjkghkds

theres so many other songs i looove but weren’t able to put here just know i love the entire ost basically. 

ffxv

Fav Character Theme

um... i definitely have to say home sweet home because i love prompto. i also love love love noctis’ theme (especially this version which i just now really listened to) but also like... i just love prompto so much gdhjksgk 

Fav Area Theme

this is impossible to answer because i just want to say literally every overworld theme from prompto’s dlc buuuut also i love wanderlust!! especially the old version!!!!! idk so many area themes are so so good in ffxv but ill just go with overworld themes here.

Fav Battle Theme

🤔 this is actually a lot harder than i thought it would be? so many are pretty good, except maybe the daemon ones... hearing all of them, i think maybe invidia, actually! idk it isnt one that i think i would get annoyed with if it were to play a lot, but all of them are really good!

Fav Boss/Final Boss Theme

absoooollluuutteeeelllyyy the somnus battle theme from the ardyn dlc like idc about the actual battle, or even somnus tbh, but the song somnus has always been my favorite song from the game and this was like OISIFUDSGUSDFHGSDHGIOSHGDSDFSHJGHDSGGJDSKGJKDS especially because of ardyn’s theme which i ALSO love like iaigjdsiogdsgiovdsjovfjiodjifdjbfdigjs ITS SO GOOD .. . . .. 

Personal Fav Theme

like i said, the somnus theme you hear in insomnia ... ive always loved it because i love songs where its like a remix (or, really just the original song) when youre in a different place, and the feeling of going through insomnia with this playing over the speakers... just an immensely wonderful experience its absolutely my favorite part of the entire game. theres a lot of other songs i love, but this has been my favorite for so long i just cant like... say its Not my favorite.

A song you didn’t like at first but grew to like

it was one of the battle themes from promptos dlc, like it was the first one so it mightve been trigger? idk it was one of them that wasnt like really the same as the other battle themes before it, but now i cant even 100% find the song i didnt like because i love all the battle themes from prompto’s dlc sm ghdjskgkj. i think its because of the song which i put as the one i dont like really made me appreciate everything more.

One of the first songs you heard from the game

oh, huh... i would think that it would be the same as botw, where the first song i heard is the first song that plays, so somnus instrumental! maybe? i cant really remember but yeah i think i first just watched my little brother play it from the start of the game! maybe ....

A song that gets you pumped

theres so many and i think the somnus battle theme which i already mentioned is especially one, but other than that, hm.. yeah i think thats it! idk i dont know many other songs that make me that FHDSHGDSG you know? 

A song that makes you happy

hm... maybe rodeo de chocobo! nothing bad happening, just some big birds c: yeah, not many are really that upbeat so this one is kinda an easy pick ghdjksgds

A song that makes you sad

oh everything in prompto’s dlc. but no ghjkdsjgk from the main game, probably dewdrops at dawn. idk like theres other parts of the game that are sadder, but just like... idk when i hear the song i can remember the whole cutscene, and the view of the world turning back to light and its just... i love it. it doesnt make me like really sad but idk... that sort of area of emotions dhjsgkj but yeah. but not from the main game, hm... promptos feelings/home sweet home from prompto’s dlc. i feel like its. pretty self explanatory ghdjkshg

The song you like least from the game

oh absolutely the song in insomnia in ardyn’s dlc ive always hated it. it just feels so out of place with the entire rest of the soundtrack and it's definitely not the kind of music i like fhjdskghjkds

anyways stan prompto