#it doesnt settle in me that there are patterns in my work and representations that can be picked up and memorized

[kreachvera]

it just clicked for me that i can be perceived. like as an artist. thats insane . to some people im the crow artist. to some other people im the curly haired raven artist. thats so so super neat ..... rahhh

[acrosstheskyandstars]

Book Review: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Where to start with this book. I was definitely not a fan. This book was recommended to me by my best friend and my favorite Youtuber. I was convinced that I, too, would love this book. Unfortunately, this book did not live up to my expectations.

The premise of this book is that Eleanor is a 30 year old administrative assistant who lives the most basic boring life in existence. She eats the same thing for dinner every day (cold pasta with pesto), has the same weekly commute (stopping by Tesco every Friday to buy vodka), and doesn’t understand any attempt at non-literal speech. You may, at this point, be wondering if Eleanor was written to be some sort of neuroatypical representation. I certainly was. I paused reading to google it, only to find out that the author did not intend Eleanor to be neuroatypical at all. She has explicitly rejected the idea that Eleanor was written to be autistic. So now we’re left with a main character who is confusing and we have no reason for it. Yes, Eleanor has experienced childhood trauma (SPOILER: her mother set fire to the house killing herself and Eleanor’s sister when Eleanor was only 10), however her behavior seems unexplained by that. I can excuse the trauma blocking of her sister and the fact that she doesn’t remember that her mother is dead. Her depressive episode and suicidal ideation certainly make sense with a traumatic childhood. Trauma can do some very odd things to the brain. However, trauma does not make a previously neurotypical person behave as though they are autistic (the condition that is most speculated about in relation to Eleanor). If the author intended Eleanor to have some sort of mental health condition, like PTSD, she did not convey this through her writing. In fact, Eleanor seems to become pretty “normal” by the end of the book. Suddenly her coworkers care about her, she has friends, and she is mentally healthy. While these are all good things, the process of how one begins to unpack and process their trauma isn’t shown in very much detail. This leaves the reader with the impression that Eleanor was able to work through her issues on her own the whole time. She quits drinking after roughly one therapy session. The woman was binging 2 bottles of vodka by herself every weekend and admits that she was not sober at all from Friday evening to Monday morning for the past decade.

The thing that irritated me the most about this book was that every interaction Eleanor has with another character comes off as very stilted and painful. At no point do these interactions become charming, though she does become more tolerable after her mental breakdown. The breakdown in question is of course caused by the fact that she has convinced herself she is in love with a local pub musician that she saw precisely one time. Please note: she has never interacted with this man and he does not know who she is. She decides to get a bikini wax to impress this man that she has never met. Please tell me any other instance of a person doing this. Which brings me to the most painful interaction I’ve witnessed. Apparently some readers find this funny or charming. I found it painful because of how socially unaware she is. The idea that some may find her cluelessness funny is odd to me, particularly if they are reading her character as autistic. I’ll transcribe it here so that you can all feel the pain with me:

“‘Now then,’ she said, ‘what are we doing today?’ ‘As I said, a bikini wax, please.’ She laughed. ‘Yes, sorry, I meant what kind of wax would you like?’I thought about this. ‘Just the usual kind . . . the candle kind?’ I said.‘What shape?’ she said tersely, then noticed my expression. ‘So,’ she said patiently, counting them off on her fingers, ‘you’ve got your French, your Brazilian or your Hollywood.’I pondered. I ran the words through my mind again, over and over, the same technique I used for solving crossword anagrams, waiting for the letters to settle into a pattern. French, Brazilian, Hollywood . . . French, Brazilian, Hollywood . . . ‘Hollywood,’ I said, finally. ‘Holly would, and so would Eleanor,’…‘There,’ she said, removing the gloves and wiping her brow with the back of her hand, ‘now doesn’t that look so much better!’ She passed me a hand mirror so I could look at myself. ‘But I’m completely bare!’ I said, horrified.‘That’s right, a Hollywood,’ she said. ‘That’s what you asked for.’I felt my fists clench tight, and shook my head in disbelief. I had come here to start to become a normal woman, and instead she’d made me look like a child.‘Kayla,’ I said, unable to believe the situation I now found myself in, ‘the man in whom I am interested is a normal adult man. He will enjoy sexual relations with a normal adult woman. Are you trying to imply that he’s some sort of paedophile? How dare you!’She stared at me, horrified. I had had enough of this.‘Please, leave me to get dressed now,’ I said, turning my face to the wall.She left and I climbed down from the couch. I pulled my trousers on, consoled by the thought that the hair would surely grow back before our first intimate encounter. I didn’t tip Kayla on the way out.”

Every time Eleanor interacted with another person, it was this painful. Perhaps the height of her outlandishly bad social awareness was the scene where an old man collapses on the street and her coworker rushes to help. She is taken aback that her coworker wanted to help the elderly man who was unconscious on the sidewalk, and then also is frustrated that calling an ambulance throws off her evening plans (going to Tesco to buy two bottles of vodka to drink herself silly through the weekend).

Eleanor definitely needed help, and I’m glad she got it. Post-breakdown Eleanor was the best she got in the book. My main problem with the book is squarely placed on the character of Eleanor. She is unlikable, unrelatable, and frankly unrealistic. I think the moral of this story is that everyone can have different tastes, given how many people liked this book.

I’d also like to link to a post that goes into a more in-depth discussion of Eleanor’s possible autism and possible mental illnesses: https://penchant.blog/2019/08/19/eleanor-oliphants-story-and-why-it-doesnt-belong-to-the-author-who-wrote-it/

Check out my blog: https://acrosstheskyinstars818513457.wordpress.com

[tumblunni]

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Man i was just thinking again about that idea i had for a cliche gijinka app card game where the gijinkas are all Interesting Bugs instead of weird sexy anime george washington.

I've kinda got quite attatched to my idea for a leech gijinka as a super cuddly white mage who just happens to look emo and scary. And they'd be a great opportunity for nonbinary representation cos in real life leeches don't have binary sexes anyway. But i cant decide between whether i want them to look like a full plague doctor mask thing or a more cliche cutesy nurse but theyre like super tall and look like the monster girl from the ring so they get sad that people always run away before they can help them! So then i was thinking "hey, alternate skins!" Not like in the other games ive played where there's always one canon skin and all the others require hours of grinding and/or real money to buy. But just that there's like three or so randomized versions of the base character with all the same stats but a different costume. Just to spice up the pool of options a bit! Or maybe it could even be more than just the costume and you can get entirely different reinterpretations of that job class? Like the medusa jellyfish could be either a young kid or a grandpa!

Oh and i'm not really sure how to name this or anything? Cos its not really a clear category of animals, its not all insects or all worms or whatever. More like just..all the animals that are unfairly hated but have Cool Biology Facts that i can babble at u to maybe make u like them more. So i dunno.. Pests? Creepy crawlies? Some entirely made up fantasy term for them?

Also i think the setting will definately be jrpg fantasy! Just a world where all these critters are actually funky people on a comedically bad D&D quest. I wonder who the villains could be tho? Maybe theyre gijinkas of more commonly loved cute animals? Or like.. Not gijinkas but monsterfied versions? Hilariously over the top evil fluffums! hamsters are this setting's dragons! And i dunno maybe the ultimate dark lord is a dog with a cat for a royal vizier or something, cos theyre the kings of popularity.

This could also make it actually make sense why the Clione character could be a beserker like in real life! Cos theyre the most un-hated rare sea slug for looking cute, but their actual personality is big scary predator. But in this universe being seen as cute by humans = evil, so the Clione's fighty doom personality would make perfect sense! Im not sure if i should make them like a tormented Shadow esque antihero or a paladin-looking knight who has a dark streak or maybe even a viking? Cos in videogames theyre like the epitome of 'loves fighting but is still a nice hugs guy'. And it'd be neat to have a chubby buff clione instead of the more cliche bishie gijinka. But then i mean theyre literally nicknamed 'sea angels' or 'sea fairies' depending on country so yeah? Oh or maybe that could mean i make them an elf or an angel but theyre still mega buff! Viking guy with lil chibi wings and halo!

Also randomly i think that Slug will be the other nonbinary character along with Leech. Cos well there's a lot of bugs who dont fit the human gender binary but i'd probably be a bit too obnoxious if i had like 90% enbies and noone else. I always think about like 'if this is my first game project i need to go at a small and reasonable pace with all the Big LGBT Feels', yknow? But then every idea i do is always my first game project cos ive never completed any of them yet XD

Anyway i think Slug would be a more fashionable bishie kind of androgenous character, while Leech is a relateable cuddly socially awkward one who wears a mask. But definately also looks stylish in their own way, and i'm sure Slug is always complimenting them and trying to bolster their spirits! Aside from being super fashionable i also think maybe Slug would be a wandering bard? Cos somehow slow animal -> lazy human -> free spirited instead to be less cliche -> bard. Also the whole 'bard rolls to seduce every boss' meme, lol! So Slug is a very nyeheheh tricksy flirty adventuring song person who aint take nobody's shit. Instead of being sleepy they sleep on the concept of low self confidence! Full and powerful pride at all times!!! Goal in life is to be beautiful AF and handsome AF and make everyone swoon at your feet and also recite an epic poetry so cool that your enemies straight up die from the sick burn. Tho i mean i don't think anyone could actually ACHIEVE that, lol! It might be obnoxious if i actually have a character who's basically 'enby people are literally perfect in all ways'. So i just think Slug is a big ol dork who's like the Gaston archetype of the comically overconfident flirt, but like a good and heroic version who actually respects when people say no to their advances. And is also a great BFF to Leech and tries to help them get out of their shell, because well of course Slug is out of theirs XD

Also actually i dunno whether they should all just be named after the animal or have thier own names but the animal is mentioned on their profile as a job class name or something? Cos it might get awkward once we get to more specific obscure bugs with longer names or ones who only really have a scientific genus name. I'd feel like i'd have to make them all wizards cos their names sound like spells! Oh MAYBE THEYRE SPELLS!! Like each character could chant their own scientific name when they use their ultimate attack??

Oh and maybe Slug and Leech could be just based on the species in general but have their alternate costumes themed after more specific rare subspecies? Like Slug could have nudibranch themed costumes cos the vibrant colours would fit such an elegant fashioniste~ And leech could just be an opportunity to talk about how there's subspecies of leech that dont drink blood, though this character is based on the ones that do because otherwise they wouldnt really have a unique job class, lol. Maybe their rarest alt costume is a fashionable orange ensemble that symbolizes both Slug taking them out for a night on the town in their finest to feel more comfortabke in their self confidence, and also just the fact there's an orange tropical leech. Its kinda funny cos there isnt such a huge range of different colours for leeches, its mostly just different barely visible patterns and a spectrum from greenish brown to brownish black, lol. And then suddenly a bunch of wildly different red and orange ones! And nothing in between! Really does seem like a surprise makeover from your bestie, yknow?

Oh and then when i was thinking about other potential relationships between different magic bug people, i thought of Daddy Longlegs! Cos thats a name confusingly given to multiple bugs of wildly different species who're all mistaken for spiders when they really arent. And this mythical nonexistant daddy longlegs spider also has the myth of having 'the strongest poison but its fangs are too short to bite you' which is COMPLETE nonsense based on nothibg cos how would it even survive in the wild if it cant hunt? But its a real cool myth so it could be an awesome excuse to make them have a move that gambles on either an instant kill or a self debuff. ALSO THEY ARE MARRIED

I was thinking they could be a duo of fabulous zorro-looking assassin dudes who were sent to assassinate each other but instead fell in love and quit the business for good. Like 'you made me want to live again, and the only reason i threw my life away on this job was cos i wanted to die'. And to atone for all the bad mercenary stuff theyd done in the past, now theyre robin hood esque mercenaries who take jobs with world-saving hero groups like our protagonists. And they work for free as long as the cause is just! And they wish they could settle down someday and dream about having children of their own, but they feel like they dont deserve it after all that theyve done. They'd be a rare goofy bugmans that actually have a real emotional backstory! So anyway they're fancy fencing guys who're both the same class but maybe slightly different variants with different stat builds or abilities? More specialized and all. Like maybe one is speedy but weaker and one is slower but stronger? Or one relies more on luck based attacks and one is a consistant damage dealer but has a lower max damage cap? Or even one is status effects and one is attack and really even though they have the same job name theyre wildly different interpretations of it. Fitting for the entomology mistake husbands! I want them to be balanced so that they have special bonuses together but are still viable to use separately if your party setup only requires one of them. Also randomly i think their names would be Albedo and Rubedo? I was originally gonna make Rubedo the name of the leech cos i mean alchemy words and plague masks and all. But then it doesnt really SOUND like an alchemy word, it sounds like a fancy handsome dancer name. And then i started thinking about the cute once-sad-now-happy young assassin dads fighting together so well that it looks like one big dance between them, rather than a battle. And i got REAL EMOTIONAL over goddamn bug gijinkas! Man my heart is made of paper and mush!! Oh and maybe they have combo attacks together but also with all of the party members that are younger? Like special dad instinct combo! A built in ability that they automatically shield the kids from enemy attacks. YOU HIRED A MERCENARY BUT YOU RECEIVED A NICE MARRIED COUPLE WHO PROMPTLY ADOPT YOU. Oh and maybe their alternate costumes could just be each other's costumes? Like they'd already be wearing matching red and white versions of the same thing, but then albino dad wears ginger dad's version and vice versa. Or maybe their alt costumes are different complimentary colour pairs like black and gold or blue and pink? And maybe their ultra rare special costume is Big Cute Dorky Argyle Dad Sweaters! It must be capitalized cos it is IMPORTANT!

Oh and then i was also thinking about the idea i had before of bugs with a queen hive structure being like the workers are the common unit and the breeders and queens and such are rarer variants? But the workers are the only ones actually good in a fight, the others are just for collectables sake. Rare but useless, just like how the real queen bee is so big that she cant leave the hive, and never figjts a day in her life unless the kingdom has already fallen. So maybe queen bee is still unlockable as a rare character but she's just a support that makes worker bee stronger? Like you get a lil event of worker's boss coming to honor her with a knighthood for her good service, allowing her to upgrade her job class. Tho i think she still fights with construction work equipment, now its just like a golden jewelled shovel XD