#it has zero funding so everything's constantly breaking down

[vagueshape]

I hate my city's public transport system and I hate that I have to rely on it

[ursafootprints]

today on "5k worth of a fic idea that I constantly spin around in my mind like a rotisserie chicken but am not invested enough in to actually write:"

Identity porn omegaverse dystopia AU; Peter is an infertile omega who, despite May's attempts to give him the best chances possible by scraping by to get him an education in both domestic skills and academics, has pretty much zero prospects for his future. Sure, she'll take care of him herself as the household alpha for as long as she can, but she knows a time will come when he'll be on his own, and she knows what happens to infertile omegas-- no matter how wonderful of a housekeeper or nanny or tutor she makes him into, who's going to hire him for that in earnest when he could be used for other things on the side, and who's going to marry an omega who can't give them children?

So one day, she’s helping clean up after a charity event for F.E.A.S.T. that was sponsored by Stark Industries, and she accidentally wanders into a back area and overhears something she's not supposed to through a door. Tony Stark himself, venting on a phonecall to a friend about how the executive board is starting to put real pressure on him to marry if he's going to continue to lead SI-- the public is starting to lose faith in him as a good alpha when he refuses to settle down with a beta or omega and share in his gifts as a protector and provider, yadda yadda, and no matter how much he argues that he's being a protector and provider for the whole country through his work at SI they aren't letting up, and he doesn't even want kids and he doesn't want to saddle some poor omega with the burden of being Mr.-or-Mrs. Stark and everything that goes with that, and they're even implying considering a motion of no-confidence, and and and--

May stands there and listens, and thinks about how she doesn't know Tony Stark personally, but he's made the news before by actually hiring highly-educated omegas (from overseas, where that's permitted) for research positions at SI, and she knows that he funds multiple different charities for omegas in distress, and--

She doesn't like being a charity case, but she does have an omega in distress. So she prepares her speech in her head, and once Tony's off the phone she steps into the room with him and closes the door behind her, and she lays it all out.

She has an omega nephew who's infertile, and he's going to be turning 18 in only a few short years, and she already can barely afford to take care of the both of them even with the tax breaks from claiming him as a dependent. So when he turns 18, sooner or later he'll have to go to work, and being an infertile unwed omega with no prospects means that he'll be nothing more than a glorified prostitute in any position he's hired for, no matter what his supposed job title says. He has the skills to be the perfect househusband, or hell, even a lab assistant if Tony doesn't mind training him up a little, he's smart and he's as educated as May could make sure of, and fine, yeah, he's pretty. And he's on the brink of a life of misery, and May does not want that for him, to the point that she's willing to ask for help from an alpha that she doesn't know and has no reason to actually trust, but if what Tony needs is a sham marriage where he'll get to prove he actually does have all those necessary alpha instincts that make him a good leader, without the expectation or even the possibility of children--

Tony cuts her off eventually, initially disgusted that he's being offered some kind of child husband as a solution to his problems and that May's apparently willing to pawn her nephew off on the nearest rich scumbag, but May straightens her shoulders and makes it clear: she would continue to scrape by for Peter as long as possible, but a day is going to come when that's not going to work anymore, and as much as it hurts her to do, giving Peter away to someone that at least has an incentive to treat him well is the best option she has. She puts it back on Tony: she's only offering Peter to some rich scumbag if he is one, so is he? Or is he actually willing to put his money where his mouth is and protect an omega in need, and help himself out in the process?

Tony sends her away without answering, and she's deflated over it for all of a day, because the next day she gets a phonecall to arrange a first date.

Peter is nervous when May explains it to him and apologizes for arranging things without his input, but also thrilled, because one of the things that May left out when she was describing Peter to Tony was that Peter is huge fan of his. Even aside from the fact that marrying Tony might genuinely be an escape from a very grim future, having Tony Stark as a husband is just unbelievable to think about, after Peter had all but given up on the idea of getting to be married at all once his infertility was diagnosed. It might be nerve-wracking too, marrying someone over twice his age that he'll barely get a chance to know before the wedding, and Peter hopes and hopes that Tony is as good of an alpha as he seems to be from television and magazines, but-- he can't help but be excited.

So he meets Tony at the tower for a lunch date, and Peter does his best to present himself with perfect manners and deference and charm because he doesn't really know how to put his best foot forward otherwise-- Tony's rich enough to have staff for the cooking and cleaning and homecare even if Peter wasn't any good at it, and after you take that and minding any children out of the picture Peter doesn't really know what he has to offer as an omega. (Well, he does, but Tony's expression turns sour at even the slightest hint of flirtation, and Peter doesn't know whether to be relieved that Tony obviously isn't after him just for his capacity to take a knot or terrified that maybe Tony isn't interested in him at all.) But then Tony directs the conversation toward Peter's studies instead, and-- Peter leaves still feeling unsure over Tony's feelings, but during that part of the conversation Tony did at least perk up and ask a lot of questions and even smile, so that's something.

Their next meeting is more of a business meeting than anything, so May is a bigger part of the conversation than Peter is. She negotiates the potential marriage contract aggressively in Peter's favor, to a point that even Peter is shocked by-- they don't even have a dowry to offer, so their bargaining power is next to nothing-- but Tony just shrugs and accepts all of her conditions, and even makes suggestions that May and Peter don't think to ask for.

And after agreeing to draw up a contract that includes all of May's demands, Tony turns to Peter and explains exactly what being Mr. Peter Stark will involve-- the incessant gossip and prying into Tony and Peter's private life, including Peter's infertility, the criticism from the press on Peter's looks and clothing and behavior every time Peter goes out in public, the fact that a lot of the people Tony has to keep company with are not at all progressive about omegas and Tony will do his best to protect Peter from that, but shutting the bullshit down in the aftermath won't shield Peter from having to hear it in the first place, the fact that Peter might find himself lonely with the huge shift in class if his friends grow distant or fake once he has money, etc. etc.

He makes it clear that he wants to be absolutely sure that Peter knows what he's signing up for, and that Peter's really thought it through before anyone signs anything. And Peter is touched by the gesture, but of course none of that is anything near as bad as what he has waiting for him otherwise, so-- a week later the paperwork is finalized and signed, Peter has his first kiss in front of his aunt and Tony's closest friend, and he becomes Tony Stark's husband.

He's nervous but not scared when Tony takes him to his new home and gives him the tour. He hasn't known Tony long, and he's heard the horror stories of alphas that were sweet and adoring right up until the wedding night, but-- Tony had been so concerned about Peter's comfort when they were negotiating the contract, and it even included clauses that would allow Peter to leave him, with something called alimony, so Peter feels pretty secure in the thought that Tony will at least be gentle with him, if not actually-- passionate.

But then Tony leads him past the bedroom with nothing more than a quick peek and a, "This is my room; feel free to find me in here if you need me," and takes Peter to another room down the hall where he stops and says, "Here's yours. The movers got here earlier, so feel free to change things around if it's not set up how you want it, and I got some new things for you that you'll need."

The 'new things' turn out to be a collection of beautiful suits and dress shoes and other accessories, and not-- what Peter thought they might be-- and the room is fully set up and organized, Peter's trinkets and tech scraps sorted into tasteful bins or proudly displayed. Peter's twin bed from his apartment with May has been replaced by a queen, and that he was expecting, but the bedding is a close match to what he had before, and the whole thing gives the impression of a stylish update to his childhood bedroom.

He's flattered and touched and a little embarrassed-- the room doesn't exactly scream 'married man,' but he does love it, and it was such a sweet gesture on Tony's part-- but Tony brushes off his breathless thanks in favor of talking about their plans for tomorrow. Tony wants to take him shopping-- Peter can wear whatever he wants, Tony says, but he thought Peter might appreciate some new casual options now that he was married, and they can go back to the bespoke place that Tony had given his measurements to for the suits if Peter wants some more formal options as well-- and then maybe to lunch, as a low-key introduction of the new Mr. Peter Stark to the world before they start having to tackle galas and red carpets.

And Peter is beside himself with gratitude and awe at Tony's thoughtfulness, and rapidly losing even the expected jitter of first-time nerves the longer they talk, and he makes his smiles soft and shy and inviting as the conversation starts to wind down--

But then Tony just claps him awkwardly on the shoulder with a, "Well, good night," and goes off down the hallway to his bedroom, leaving Peter lingering confused and a little disappointed in his own doorway without even a kiss.

At first Peter thinks Tony is just being overly-conscientious of Peter's comfort, so he does his best to show Tony that he's perfectly comfortable and that he trusts Tony and he's ready without being overly suggestive about it-- he still remembers how Tony reacted when Peter tried to flirt with him on their date-- but three days into their honeymoon week, Peter has met several of Tony's friends and eaten in fabulous restaurants and bought enough new things to make his head spin, but he still hasn't even been scented, much less anything else.

So that third night, he takes a risk on the idea that Tony needs him to be more overt about communicating his comfort, and when Tony tells him good night Peter leans in for a kiss. Just something chaste, nothing that should put Tony's hackles up if he finds immodest omegas a turn-off-- but Tony actually puts a hand against his shoulder and leans away, and Peter's stomach drops to his feet.

"I'm sorry," Peter apologizes immediately, weakly, chilled to the bone by what he can only interpret as the disgust in Tony's expression. Tony-- Tony wasn't affectionate, but Peter had never thought for a second that Tony hated him; it didn't even make sense that Tony would hate him when he had been so kind. "I'm so sorry-- I didn't-- I thought--"

"No-- Peter, you're fine," Tony sighs, but he doesn’t drop his hand from Peter's shoulder, holding him firmly at a distance. "I'm not-- we're not doing that. Okay? It's nothing personal; you're just too young for me."

"But I'm your husband," Peter says blankly, not quite processing what that could possibly mean.

"I know, and the fact that that's even allowed is an absolute failure of our legal system," Tony says with a grimace, finally letting go of Peter but shifting back two steps. "Look, I'm-- did your aunt not talk to you about this? I'm going to be a good alpha for you, you can do whatever you want and I'll make sure you stay safe and you have whatever you need to be happy, but this is just an on-paper thing, kid. You don't have to put yourself out there to get abused by knothead alphas; I don't have to bring kids into this world to screw up; we both get to have society see us as a healthy pair of red-blooded Americans mated to a different designation just like god intended. You don't have to do anything for me that you don't want to."

And Peter had known that it was mostly political-- well, that it was all political; he doesn't kid himself for a moment that he actually has anything to offer Tony that the man seems to be interested in-- but he hadn't realized the extent to which they weren't even going to pretend. People got married for political reasons all the time, but they still made the best of it-- they were still affectionate, they were still intimate, they were still partners--

The words 'what about my heats' almost make their way out of Peter's mouth before he remembers to keep things focused on his alpha's needs, not his own, and he says, "What about your ruts?"

"I'll handle them the same way I have for the last thirty-something years of my life?" Tony shrugs, brushing the idea off like it's nothing, but he must see the lingering conflict in Peter's expression. He sighs, and awkwardly ventures, "And for your heats... You can handle them however you have been so far, or you can buy some toys, or-- hell, if you want to find a strapping young alpha to help you through them, that's fine with me."

Peter is horrified.

"You want me to cheat on you?"

But Tony is just as dismissive of that as everything else, and he just says, "There's no fidelity clause in our marriage contract."

Peter doesn't know how to feel. Being with Tony so far has felt like a dream, and this-- this is still so much better than the alternative, this sham half-relationship where he's apparently meant to be-- Tony's ward moreso than his actual partner, so he knows it's entitled, he knows he shouldn't say it and that he's still making out like a bandit regardless of Tony's answer and he shouldn't even expect anything else, but--

"Are you going to cheat on me?" he asks, voice tiny, and Tony goes still.

It takes him a long time to answer. Enough time that Peter has started trying to acclimate himself to that reality-- being one of those omegas that everyone looks at with pity and shakes their heads over, whose alphas come home every day smelling like someone else, and-- well, it wasn't like anyone had ever been going to believe that he was enough to keep a leash on Tony Stark anyway, so it's stupid to be upset about it; people were going to assume Tony was cheating on him whether it was true or not. He can deal with that. It's fine.

"No," Tony says finally, slowly. "I-- kid, I'm sorry, I thought you knew how this was going to work. But no, I'm not going to cheat on you. The whole point is for me to be a good alpha to you, not to make you miserable."

"What about me being a good omega to you?" Peter asks, pressing his luck; his knees are already weak with relief so he doesn't know why he can't keep his mouth shut and stop talking back, but he's just-- in shock.

Tony grimaces again, shaking his head, and says, "I don't need you to be a good omega to me, kid; I'm a grown man and I can take care of myself. What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to-- study science and learn to build computers, do you want to design new LEGO sets, do you want to do music or travel the world or run charities like your aunt? Worry about that. Figure out what you want to do and tell me and we'll make it happen, but don't worry about me."

And it is a dream come true, being told he can be or do whatever he wants-- who said stuff like that, who let their omegas behave that way?-- but Peter is still stuck, because--

"What if I want to worry about you?"

"You don't," Tony says bluntly, such an abrupt shutdown that it doesn't even hurt. "You've just been told that's the only thing you're good for your entire life, so you think it's what you're supposed to do, but it's not true."

And Peter-- doesn't know whether to be offended, not that he could act on it even if he did. It is offensive, being told his own mind, but he can see that Tony's frustration is for him and not at him, and that this is Tony trying to-- be sweet, somehow, in his own way--

Tony says, "You have so many better things you could be doing than wandering around after me in case I need something, all right? I'm a big boy; I can get my own snacks and pick up my own socks. So let's figure out what your 'better things' are."

--And Peter is still utterly befuddled by it, and doesn't really understand what Tony is getting at with how he's been essentially groomed to be obedient/deferential and suppress his own needs in favor of his alpha's, and he's still nursing a little bit of hurt and disappointment and grief that Tony doesn't want him at all and that their marriage is nothing but a mask all the way down, but.

They spend the rest of their honeymoon week with Peter trying out different things and getting different experiences to see if he likes them, and by the time Tony goes back to work, Peter has a private tutor to help him get an education past the last level that was available to him as an unmarried omega, and his own workspace in the apartment for his tinkering, and a personal chaperone so that he can go to whatever museums or expos he wants with an extra layer of security beyond what just his wedding ring provides.

It works, even though it still chafes Peter a bit to be treated essentially as a foster child instead of a husband, especially when he's in heat and Tony tends to him like an alpha parent does for an omega child instead of like a lover, and especially when they travel overseas and Tony actually takes his wedding ring off and won't introduce Peter as his mate.

("I'm not trying to cheat on you, Pete; things are just different here," Tony explains, and Peter doesn't get it because everyone already knows that Tony Stark is married and who to, but-- things are different overseas, and it is a little bit thrilling to see omegas wandering around so freely, living whatever lives they want to lead, and Peter is too nervous to go exploring without Tony or Happy anyway but the idea that he could is incredible.)

But they fall into a routine, and Peter's still so grateful for getting to live a life alongside Tony even if it isn't exactly what he had pictured.

And then-- and here's why the "not going to actually write it" disclaimer, 3k words in, because that would allllllllllllllll just be set-up for:

Peter goes on a tour of the Osborn building as a part of his science education, and he's trying to get more comfortable with not needing a chaperone when he's out in public because maybe Tony will start treating him more like an adult if he tries to be more independent, so he doesn't stay put and wait while his tutor is in the bathroom, aaaaand he gets bit by a radioactive spider.

And as he's realizing in the aftermath how it's changed his body-- how he's strong now, stronger than any alpha, stronger than ten alphas-- he starts... thinking about things. About all those vigilantes he's heard of, out on the streets, putting themselves at risk to protect people. About how many times he's had to walk past omegas with black eyes and 'wedding rings' that they wore around their necks, his head lowered in vicarious shame. About how maybe-- if he was brave enough-- if he could shake off that nervousness that told him he needed a chaperone, that he was doing something wrong by being an omega out on his own--

So he does.

Tony bites his tongue about it when Peter starts going out on his own, because he's stressed to Peter over and over how he wants Peter to do whatever he wants, and he genuinely doesn't know where the line between 'controlling alpha' and 'responsible adult' is when he's married to a literal child, but he relaxes when Peter starts coming back bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and thriving with his new independence.

...Until he sees enough clips of this "Spider-man" that it piques his interest, and does enough research to figure out who it is.

He and Peter fight about it, which is wild and new because Peter never actually talks back to him, raised with those perfect omega manners, and only ever gently questions Tony during those moments where all Tony's doing is trying not to treat him like a piece of property.

But Peter throws all of that back in his face now, arguing that Tony is the one who always says that Peter should do what makes him happy, he should do whatever he wants, and he shouldn't base his entire life around what he thinks Tony wants because he's his own person, and this makes him happy, this is the 'better thing' that he can be making of his life if Tony's not going to give him the dignity of at least pretending he has any value as a husband--

And Tony doesn't know how to argue about it, because he has said all those things, but Peter is also a child and it's not right for him to be throwing himself around putting himself in danger like that, and-- and also he didn't know Peter was so fucking bitter about Tony not treating him as an actual spouse, and he hates that for Peter because it's not going to change anytime soon but it's also fascinating, somehow, to hear Peter be sharp with him after nearly a year of nothing but polite deference--

He rubs a hand over his face and says, "Pete, if any of those alpha criminals get their hands on you--"

And Peter takes a liberty he's never taken before-- he hasn't tried to touch Tony on his own initiative at all since that failed attempt at a kiss, except to shrink against his side when he was uncomfortable in public-- and takes Tony's wrists gently in hand and walks him back until Tony's pinned to the wall without a single hint of strain, and he just says, "Try."

He's not mean or even condescending about it, instead watching Tony with a plaintive plea for Tony to understand. So Tony accepts the challenge, and-- he's seen the videos, he did know how fucking strong Peter had to be to do those things, but it's not until he's struggled fruitlessly against Peter's grip to the point that he's breathless with it that it really, truly sinks in.

So then he's standing there, red-faced and panting and pinned to the wall by Peter's unfaltering grip around his wrists, and he registers the way that Peter's expression has changed, all dark-eyed and flushed even though holding Tony in place clearly wasn't a strain for him at all, and he registers how close they're standing to each other, and he registers how heavy Peter's scent is in the air, all warm honey sweetness--

And he says, "All right, fine, you win," because he suddenly needs to not be having this conversation anymore.

He does take some steps, though. He builds Peter a better suit, and he loads it with an AI to take care of him and to alert Tony if Peter starts getting in over his head. And Peter accepts it with genuine gratitude, and it helps Tony feel a little better, but-- Peter gets hit so hard sometimes, and there are so many situations where Tony wouldn't even have time to intervene before Peter could be critically injured or even dead on the spot, and Tony doesn't honestly know what he thinks he would be able to do about it if Peter did get in over his head, it's not like he has super powers--

But then he gets to thinking, and in all honesty, it's not like he needs actual superpowers, is it? When he could just build himself something. Something that would let him actually help Peter while he was out there, fighting for the good of a world that would've thrown him to the wolves in half a second if Tony hadn't intervened, if May Parker hadn't had the strength to ask for help-- and if for some reason Peter seems to hate it when Tony actually speaks into his heroing, like it's some kind of insult that Tony wants him to be safe, maybe he'll accept some help from someone else--

Peter doesn't know what to think of Iron Man when he comes on the scene, at first. It's a little irritating how often he tries to tell Peter to hang back, when he clearly doesn't even have the same amount of experience that Peter does, but it's not too long before Iron Man's deferring to Peter instead, and then it's not too long after that that they become a pretty good team. And once Iron Man learns to treat him as an equal, Peter finds that he's funny and thoughtful and sweet, and he tells Peter whatever he wants to know about how the armor works, and--

Peter has never for a second actually considered exploiting the lack of an infidelity clause in his and Tony's marriage contract. But there is something a little-- addictive, about having the respect and attention of this brilliant armor-clad alpha, when his actual alpha still treats him like a child, and he starts... thinking.

And Tony has never for a second actually thought of Peter as an actual mate. He's too young; that would be-- disgusting. But-- Peter's almost an entirely different person in the suit, or maybe he's just an entirely different person when he's not with Tony-- his alpha-- because Spider-man is all sass and vinegar and unyielding strength of character, and Tony wishes that Peter would bring some of that home with him instead of the return of his unending soft-spoken deferential politeness, because if he did--

If he did--

On second thought, Tony's not going to think about it.

[the-cult-of-russo]

gotta know how u think billy would be as a dad with his kids :D

I had so many requests for Dad!Billy headcanons 😭

I hope you're ready for this chaotic ramble.

Please remember this is my Billy I'm writing

-

You know those parents who take like a million pictures of their kid and show them to everyone? The kind that talks about their kid nonstop to anyone who'll listen? Their family, friends, the poor random old lady at the store that just wants to buy some damn milk.

That's Billy.

He's such an unbelievably proud parent, his pride for his kids knows no bounds. It doesn't even need to be some kind of milestone worth celebrating, everything his kid does makes him proud. You better believe when his baby has an explosive crap and ruins their clothes, he's boasting about it the next day to Frank and the guys at Anvil.

-

He's incredibly protective. Murder is a possibility if his kids in danger. He wants nothing more than to keep his kids safe. If they're being bullied, it takes all of his willpower to stop himself from kicking the kids ass for doing that to his kid. He's not above picking a fight with the bullies dad though if they don't get their little shit head in check and also making it known to the principle that this shit won't fly with him.

~

"Mr Russo, I don't think you understand how serious this is. Your son broke a kids nose," the principle mutters with a glare.

Billy tilts his head, regarding the teacher with those unsettling eyes that has the old man squirming in his seat.

"You’re damn right he did," Billy replies seriously, a proud tone to his voice. His dark eyes cut to his left where his son is, practically his double. As Billy smirks, unable to help himself, his son wears the same one although he's lowering his head to hide his amusement.

"We don't tolerate that behaviour here, Mr Russo," the principle huffs. Billy's eyes harden then as his eyes narrow, sitting forward in his chair just the right amount to be imposing. The second the man leans back he knows it worked.

"You know what I don't tolerate? My kid bein' bullied. You assholes won't do shit to stop it, so I say let the little fucker get a taste of his own medicine. Serves him right for messin' with a Russo," he smirks wickedly.

~

He teaches them self defence, wanting them to be able to look after themselves if it ever came down to it. Naturally, for their 16th birthday, they're gifted with a big ass knife.

-

Billy as a dad is so stupidly soft.

We all remember the scene from the show, right? Where he's in the hospital with his mom and he says;

"Maybe you did me a solid, you know? I mean, the way I see it, you want weak kids, give 'em everything. But if you... if you want 'em strong... treat 'em hard."

When he has a kid of his own he realises just what utter garbage this is. The idea of all the shit he's been through making him into the tough son of a bitch he is today is born from trauma that he still hasn't dealt with. The way his brain tries to rationalise what he went though. To make it make sense instead of it being so goddamn senseless.

But if he's honest, more than he'd like to admit, he finds himself wondering just what his life would have been like if he grew up in a loving home. What it would be like to feel wanted and cared for. To rise to the top being helped and cheered on by others instead of clawing his way there with bloodied and dirty fingers, the weight of the world bearing down on him as he's beat down at every turn.

He never wants his kids to feel that way. Not even a fraction of how unloved and unwanted he felt. He does everything in his power to make sure they know just how much he cares about them. There's literally nothing he wouldn't do for his kids. They could turn up at home one day and confess to a murder and Billy wouldn't hesitate to ask where the body is so he can handle it for them.

-

Billy is ridiculously sentimental when it comes to his kids. Drawings go up on the fridge and when a new one takes its place, the old one goes into a box of many others that he can't seem to ever throw away. He has multiple pictures of his kids at his office, even some framed cute drawings they did for him. He's kept all the mementos from the pregnancy, birth and onwards. They're his little treasures.

-

Billy is super supportive of everything his kids do. He makes sure they get a good education but he never pushes them to do something they don't want to do. Despite the large college fund he's got for them, if they choose not to go to college, he doesn't pressure them. Instead, whatever hopes and dreams they have, he does everything in his power to support and help them. Whether that's moral and emotional support, money or even breaking a few jaws of people standing in their way.

-

Let's look a little bit at how he is throughout some of the ages of his kid.

Billy with a baby is a sight to behold. No one has ever seen Lieutenant William Russo so goddamn soft. Once he's got hold of his baby, you've got no chance of getting them back off him. You'd have to fight him. He adores holding his little one close, soaking them in. He's constantly holding them no matter what he's doing and baby carriers and wraps are a godsend to him. You'd heard about them from a friend and told Billy and you better believe by the time the baby's born that he's an expert on all things baby wearing. He's a perfectionist and carrying a baby wrong can be dangerous. He makes sure he knows how to do it right.

Just as he has little affectionate touches for you, he has the same for his baby. His large hand stroking their tiny head and little hair. His finger stroking their chubby little cheek. He's a tactile person and touch is grounding for him. It soothes him to do so with his baby and reassures him they're really there and that they're okay.

He's super attentive. Of course he works a lot but as soon as he becomes a dad, he doesn't stay late anymore and makes sure to have days off. The second he comes home, he's making a beeline for his baby, scooping them up with a grin. He loves to read to them, something that continues as they grow up. His weekends used to be restful or if he was feeling like a masochist, he'd work from home. But now weekends are his time to shine. By the time you wake up on a Saturday morning, he's already up with the baby, making you breakfast as he's got the baby attached to him via baby carrier.

As his baby grows into a toddler, each milestone makes him tearful and full of pride. He kisses any booboos that happen and he's constantly playing with his child. He has a pretty silly side to him that most don't get to see. Making his kid laugh and smile brings him the greatest joy.

He loves taking his toddler to the office with him. Everyone dotes on his kid and treats them like royalty.

When they turn into a small child, he watches with a proud smile and amusement as his kid wants to fight with his men, watching them 'beat' the shit out of them. The guys at Anvil are more than happy to very dramatically go down, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when the tiny Russo grins smugly at their 'win'.

Their first day at school and Billy's a mess. It's such a turning point and he doesn't know how to deal with how fast their growing up. But every achievement at school, even minor ones, and he's showering them with praise.

He encourages them to work hard and as soft as he might be, he is still the boss. He makes sure they do their homework and don't fall behind on their studies.

One thing Billy loves is teaching his kids stuff. Whether that's mundane stuff to help with school or teaching them shit he knows like survivalist things, because you can never be too prepared, right? He loves helping them with school projects and answering any questions they might have about one of the many things he's knowledgeable about.

When his kids moves onto those hard teenage years, the ones where everything feels so dramatic and world ending, he's a little tougher when it calls for it. Billy is no novice to rebellion, he has a rebellious streak of his own and marches to the beat of his own drum half the time. He respects that. What he doesn't respect or tolerate is behaviour that's going to fuck his kid over in the long run or self sabotage. He will be firm and a hard ass if he needs to be to keep his kids on a path where they don't get hurt or ruin their life.

Billy has a zero tolerance policy on drugs. After the shit with his mother, he won't budge on this. If he finds out his kid is dabbling in drugs, they're grounded until they're old enough to move out.

-

No matter what age his kids are, Billy loves them immensely. He wants to be the father he wished he'd had growing up and he pours all of his anguish and pain from his upbringing into it. Channeling it into the purest form of love for his kids. To break the curse that had hold of him. He won't perpetuate the cycle.

Being a father brings him a sense of completeness and peace he didn't think was possible for him to achieve. It fills the void that's been eating away at his soul from his lack of love as a child and he loves every second of being a parent. Even the hard moments.

-

Bonus:

The Russo's and the Castle's go on monthly camping trips together. Billy loves the outdoors, the mild survivalist feelings he gets from it without the real danger. He loves taking his kids there, teaching them everything. In his role as dad and uncle, he sits around the camp fire at night, the light of the flames dancing along his face as he very theatrically tells the kids a spooky story.

You and his kids are his immediate family but the Castle's are his family too. So he really loves it when you all get to spend time together like that.

[crystalelemental]

“emrylurkeroftheloch: Hot(?) take, but normal console games should also not do that. They should have difficulty options, so people can adjust the difficulty to what is difficult and enjoyable for them. Making the game easier is not a bad thing. It should also come with the option to make the game EVEN HARDER though, because some people are insane. Gatcha games are inherently predatory, and will always try to make you pay money into them though, sadly.“

Hard agree, actually, but I think the problem comes more from a sense of like...multiplayer games, where you can’t exactly turn down difficulty in a traditional sense, so much as just hope they have like...defined brackets so you’re not constantly getting curbstomped by more experienced players.  Which I’ve never seen done and is a major reason why I dislike multiplayer in literally anything.  But yes, difficulty adjustment settings are appropriate.

Gacha can’t and won’t have that.  If it wasn’t obvious, this is about the major uptick in people on Reddit calling for “harder endgame content,” usually co-op multiplayer or raids, based on the recent additions of Red and Ash, who can effectively solo everything.  The demand is entirely based on wanting to use these units and experience a challenge, but the instant the game warps around that concept, you’re leaving everything else in the dust, and the game’s just pay to win.  It’s entirely warped around demanding you pay for the new strongest thing, which eventually reaches the breaking point of needing even harder content, which pushes powercreep further and more old options into irrelevance, and is based entirely on constant gambling to keep up with ever-accelerating powercreep.  You know.  Like FEH.  It’s inherently awful.  And Masters thus far has actually done really well providing content that is harder, but never so hard that older pairs can’t compete.  Their model for generating funds is having modes that require a specified number of options, and one mode that allows for up to infinity options, and letting players engage as hard as they want to and thrive off pulling for favorites.  And it works.  Recent pairs like SS Serena and SC Lillie were two of the highest grossing spotlights in the game’s lifetime.  Ash has resulted in a huge uptick in new players.  Even if it’s “easy,” people are having fun and engaging well with the modes, and the game is making good money.  To demand hard content for the auto-win button you bought, forcing everyone else to lose utility for every other option in the game, just so you can experience your idea of fun via challenge, is not just stupid but incredibly selfish and I have zero sympathy or tolerance for it.

[papergirllife]

Chapter 1

Synopsis:

You don’t know what it’s like to be free, to make your own choices, and live your own life. For your whole life, your parents have been treating you like a puppet on strings, controlling your life to every single detail, as well as ignoring the fact that you have feelings. Other times, when you disobey their wishes, or speak up about your own opinions, they bash you down with words, in other words, psychological abuse, has led you down the long winded road of depression and anxiety. What happens when you meet a man who’s willing to be your guide out of this terrible downpour? Would you give a shot at happily ever after?

Warnings:

big age gap (kinda?)

issues on anxiety

issues on depression (mild)

issues on parental abuse

smut (maybe)

Tag List: @etherealtyjaem​ (lmk if you wanna be on the list)

It has always been like this, being locked up in the study room so you could ‘study’ for hours end, or that’s what they think you’re doing. You studied in an elite academy with your smart cousins, only to have you graduating with average grades, which of course, earned you a harsh scolding from your parents. Now, you’re supposed to be studying business for university, even though you had zero interests in it, the subject is fine, it’s what you’re studying it for that irks you. Your family runs a business in Seoul, but from what you can see by secretly skimming through the files as well as the arguments behind shut doors with your aunts and uncles, things aren’t going as planned.

You don’t have many friends, nor a phone, they took it away from you when you wanted to go out with some friends, claiming that it’s a distraction that should be locked away. You felt like Rapunzel, locked away from the world, they don’t have any love for you, you’re quite sure they don’t, they had once slapped your face ten times when you had a boyfriend behind their backs, and you were 15 for god’s sake, along with other things that you rather not say, you don’t want to relive all those painful memories.

Sometimes you wished you could go back to the time when you were a child, when you were at your grandparents’ in the morning, her warm smile and loving eyes, when you didn’t know what laid ahead. You wish you hadn’t realised that you were being abused, you used to think what you went through was the same for other kids as well, until you talked about it with other people and scared them away from you. The painful memories sinking back in made the words in front of you blurry as you felt tears seeping in your eyes.

Depression.

It’s deemed as something ridiculous in your family, and that people who are suffering from it are weaklings and don’t deserve anything from this society.

‘Does that mean I’m weak?’

You never went to therapy nor took any medication for your mental illnesses, and recently the development of anxiety attacks are constantly putting you on edge. You have them at least once a week, sometimes you even had problem breathing, but you couldn’t tell anyone about it, nor anyone would ever listen to your cries of help.

“We’re going to help sell your uncle’s house this Saturday,” your mother said as she was folding the clothes.

“The mansion he recently bought?” you asked, confused as to why he would sell the mansion he was obsessed with just two months ago.

“Yes, he bought that without our permission back then, so now we need to sell it for funds, and you need to be there to entertain the potential buyers, give them a tour around the house and other enquiries. You have to direct them to us if you think they’re truly interested, it’s going to be an open house concept party,” cold, that’s how your mother sounded, her claims of putting family above everything else flying out of the window whenever her demands are not met.

“Okay, is there anything else?” you asked, hoping to be excused as soon as possible.

“No, you can continue your studies in the study room.”

That’s what basic communication is in your life, you tried talking about your interests, your opinions, but they either fall on deaf ears, or you would receive a lecture for having a ‘false perspective’. You’ve given up on talking to them about things that are going in on your life now, they don’t listen anyways.

The party is filled with old men with their muffin tops waddling around with a wine glass in hand and talking obnoxiously loud, obviously having too much money to go by, looking at how overly filled their bellies are.

You tried hiding away in the house, but your family kept pushing you out to talk to them. Their stares were not intimidating, no, but it made you feel uncomfortable as their gazes linger a bit too long on your legs or anywhere else, and the way they didn’t want to let go after they shook your hand, made your anxiety levels rise to the roof.

You would find random excuses to run away, like going to refill their glass or saying you need to use the loo, your heartbeat going as fast as your legs could take you away from them.

When you came back out from hiding for the 6th time, both your parents were rushing you to meet someone new.

“He’s a man of great fortune and power, so the chances of him buying this house is high. Don’t try to hide from this one, or you’ll get it when we get home,” your mother warned, her eyes side eying you with daggers.

Your mother’s threat made you sick inside, what are you to them? A scapegoat?

You weren’t paying attention to who or where was she pushing you to, but once you stopped, the man in front of you made your eyes as big as saucers.

‘How is a man like this doing here?’ you thought to yourself.

“Hello Mr Suh, we’re quite busy at the moment with other potential buyers. Why don’t we allow my daughter, Y/N, to show you around?” your mother said, her voice overly sweet, like day old cotton candy.

Once you were in front of him, your parents left. Leaving you helpless as your social anxiety kicks in, your eyes trained on his shoulder, eye contact, especially from this man, made you very nervous.

“C-can I give you a tour?’ you asked, hoping to ditch him halfway.

Johnny looks at the way your eyes avoid his, it wasn’t hard, given how tall he was, there’s just something so intriguing about you, so different from the girls that throw themselves at him with zero doubts.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Johnny,” Johnny introduced himself by bending down slightly, a friendly smile on his face, one that you can’t decipher whether he had similar intentions as those nasty old men had.

To say that the tour was horrible would’ve been an understatement, you kept stuttering under his piercing gaze, instead of looking at you like you were his next meal like other potential buyers, Johnny was genuinely listening to what you have to say. You didn’t think the house was any interesting, it was just a bunch of useless expensive things under one roof, like the movie room, the slides at the pool, the ‘mini’ bar. These things weren’t appealing to you, riches are overrated when it becomes too common, like your cousins and their different designs of Birkin bags, you weren’t exactly fond of their favourite alligator skinned ones as well.

Yet Johnny didn’t look at the cliche setting that you are currently presenting, instead his eyes are trained on yours, it wasn’t a scrutinizing gaze like the wives of those perverted men who stared down on you, nor anything that seems predatory, it only held calculation and observance. On the house? It doesn’t seem like it. On you? You can bet this whole house that he’s met women far more beautiful compared to a plain jane like you.

“T-that’s all for the tour, Mr Suh. Would you want me to direct you to my parents, if you’re interested?” you asked, hoping that you’d get to be alone again.

“Can you take me to the park nearby? I’d like to see the facilities available in this housing area,” he answered smoothly, as if he had calculated every little detail in his life.

You nodded wordlessly at his request, taking him to see the park nearby the house. It was a weird sight, having a man as tall as Johnny towering behind you.

“This is the park,” you pointed stupidly, cursing at yourself, obviously this is the park,  anyone with eyes could tell.

Johnny inhaled the breath of fresh air this area offered, his shoulders not as tensed up after. A smile decorated his handsome face as he turned towards you.

“Let’s sit.”

Johnny directed you to the nearest park bench, his size taking up most of the bench, yet he scoots into himself as you sat down next to him, giving you personal space.

‘Does he think I’m going to lower the price of the house for him? I don’t even know how much they’re selling it for,’ you thought, thinking this man must be mad that an unimportant person like you could negotiate with him.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Y/N. I’m not interested in the house,” Johnny said, breaking the silence.

Your mom isn’t going to be pleased when she hears this, you thought as you bit at your bottom lip, thinking about how harsh is she going to react if she didn’t get a buyer out of this event.

“Thank you for taking your time for considering through out this-

“I’m interested in you.”

Did you hear that correctly or was your mind playing tricks on you?

You stared at Johnny as his hand comes close to your face, he wasn’t pulling you closer, instead his fingers reached out to gently graze the underside of your eyes.

“I can see what you’re hiding,” Johnny said solemnly, his eyes showing you pity.

You quickly took out your compact mirror out of your pocket, checking to see if you did a bad job on the concealer for your puffy eyes today, but it looked fine.

“I used to be involve in theater, and I’ve seen people covering unwanted marks or eye bags on their face many times. It’s not obvious to most people, don’t worry,” Johnny explained.

The touch of his fingertips on your face was filled with warmth, as well as his eyes when he looked at you now, if his eyes were honey you’ll be as addicted as Winnie the Pooh. His touch was quickly gone as it had came, his hand placed back into his lap as he stares ahead.

“I’m not going to assume anything, but from what I can see, I don’t think you deserve to be going through what you’re facing now. And as for your family’s company, it’s not going to last long even if they managed to sell this property out. You’re going to be in a much more disappointing situation when that happens, I’ve been in the business game my whole life, my predictions hardly go astray anymore,” Johnny said without a sliver of judgement, he was just laying out the cards for you to observe.

Johnny reaches for a card in his coat pocket and handed it to you, it was his business card.

“I can take you away from all this chaos raging among your family, if you can call it a family that is. I’ll be seeing you soon, Y/N,” Johnny said before standing up and walking away to the direction where his car awaits, his driver closing his door.

That was most definitely a statement.

[thatblackboianarchist]

Banks are Dumb and Abolish Money (1/2)

Banking is like super dumb. So we all know banks, right? They’re financial institutions dedicated to the management of money, those imaginary numbers, for consumers and businesses (and I suppose the government). Most people are affiliated with a bank of some kind, whether it’s a traditional private bank or a credit union or whatever else. So, I am an anti-financialist, I think finance as a concept, field, industry, whatever, is stupid for a few reasons that happen to align with why I hate banking in specific. So let’s explain.

I’m 18, turned an adult relatively recently, so I am having to get involved in banking more. Checking balances, using my card, transferring funds, etc. And can I just say, it is absolutely horrible. Well, okay, I enjoy the independence aspect to it: I have my own bank account that I can make purchases with; I don’t want to worry about my mom looking at my purchases (you know what I mean) so I actually buy the things I want. I feel all professional and adulty when I use banking jargon like “Yes, I would like to check my balance and transfer a set of funds from my domestic checking account to my international checking account”, but other than the feeling of autonomy and independence that I get from engaging with the bank system, I don’t like banks.

For starters, there are so many fees and they’ll all stupid. Like, overdraft fees, if you try to spend money you don’t have in your checking account, you can get slapped with a $35 overdraft fee, which to me seems so, pointless? Idk, I know the point is so that the bank can make money, but like, pfft, I’m not a fucking bank, I’m not a bank CEO or shareholder or board member, so why the fuck should that matter to me? I don’t care about the profit interests of banks, it’s not like I will ever see that money in my life. I care about me and my own convenience and life. If someone doesn’t have enough money in their checking for a purchase, just reject the purchase, like the fuck? Just say you can’t buy this thing you want, you don’t have to charge them for it, that’s so stupid.

Oh, and sometimes there are withdraw fees. Why? Why should I have to pay money to access my own money? Like what the fuck? What is the point? And don’t give me the “they need to make profit” line of defense, no the fuck they don’t, it is actually possible to run an organization without extracting endless lines of cash from it. You can just provide a fucking service and not have to always get something in return; life doesn’t have to be transactional ALL THE TIME. Life is not a bank, it shouldn’t be run like a set of cost and revenues functions or risk-benefit analyses, just fucking do what you are supposed to do.

The reason I hate banks is primarily because I think money as a concept is dumb. You have this imaginary number that separates you from the goods and services and whatever else that is produced in this world. It’s like a middleman you have to satisfy before you can access anything you need or want. You have to pay for housing, clothes, computers, chap stick, vacations, and literally everything. It’s annoying and it’s incredibly unhealthy.

Have we ever considered the long-term psychological consequences of having to turn every single desire you have into a risk-benefit analysis? Like, if I want to eat raspberry-filled chocolate, I have to weigh purchasing that over other things I might need to spend my money on. What if I need a repair for my bike? What if I need to pay for that train ticket? What if I want to eat out? What if I want that sex toy from Spencers? In our consumerist economy, that is a LOT of information you have to account for, and if you are poor like me, then you have to increase that processing ten-hundred-fold. And sure, the risk-benefit analysis becomes less arduous the richer you are, but most people aren’t rich and all people can’t be rich, by definition, so idk, is this really a psychologically sustainable way to organize consumption of goods and services?

I don’t think it is, especially since money is treated as a limited resource for everyday people, and as a limitless resource for governments, billionaires, and corporations. When you're not rich, your entire ability to access resources is limited by how much money you have. Why does it have to be limited? Why can’t I just eat the raspberry-flavored chocolate because I want to eat it and you are offering for it to be eaten? Why can’t I just grab the sex toy I want? Why do we have to limit ourselves for no good reason?

Oh, but people will tell you there are good reasons for money to exist. That we need money to exist. That there is no other way to organize a society. People talk about money like it’s as natural as the rising and setting of the sun, when in contrast to a literal celestial body, money is at the end of the day just a piece of paper (or I guess numbers on a screen). It has no inherent value to anyone; it is only valuable because we collectively consider it to be valuable. We already intuitively understand that, at least, I think we do. If I take my Euros to the local fish market in Madagascar and try to buy something, they will tell me to get lost! Because Euros aren’t considered to be valuable there. All this to say, money isn’t natural, it’s artificial; it is brought into this world by human choices and it can be brought out of this world with human choices.

One reason people talk about the necessity of money is because of scarcity, that if everything was free, we would run out of everything. Well, I hate to be the one to say it, but scarcity is a myth. Well, okay, technically there are limited amounts of everything, but that statement ignores context. If you live in a forest with 1 million apples and there are 5,000 people living in the forest, including you, that’s 200 apples per person. Is that meaningful scarcity? Relative to you and the population you are part of, do the apples even appear finite? How would you go about eating all of those in a day, or even a month, and what kind of person would eat 6 apples per day? Scarcity is relative to the population it affects, and only becomes meaningful when there are small levels of stuff in comparison to a large population that wants that stuff.

The mythology of scarcity ignores many key factors about the natural world. One, lots of resources are renewable. Water is renewable, air is renewable, energy is renewable (at least with solar, wind, and such), etc. You know what else is renewable? Biomass, so things like wood, plants, animals, food, agricultural products, cheeses, milk, etc. Renewable just means that it will naturally replenish itself so long as your consumption is horribly abusive and exploitative. And how can we ensure that our consumption is horribly abusive and exploitative? Adopting a zero waste paradigm, where we recycle, reuse, reduce shit, where we repair things that are broken, rot things into compost and soil, and refuse shit we don’t want.

Nature is cyclical. Resources are cyclical. Even things that aren’t considered renewable, like clay, sand, glass, gemstones, metals, ores, ARE actually renewable, they just take a long time to renew naturally. But goods themselves are renewable if you establish cycles of use. Take a bike that you own. It breaks so you repair it instead of buying a new bike which would use even more resources. It becomes irreparable so you melt the bike down and use the metal for something else, maybe a new bike or a kitchen appliance or a cup. Metal resources are cyclical, they can always be recycled and reused.

What if we made the most out of the resources we had instead of constantly destroying the natural environment to make more things? We have literal landfills full of resources, full of metals we can recycle, biomatter we can repurpose, items we can repair, etc. Waste is an illusion, created by capitalism to necessitate infinite production and consumption. Capitalism relies upon a linear waste model, where we produce shit, use shit, and discard shit, so we can buy the next shit. Anti-financialism relies upon a cyclical zero waste model, where we take shit, use shit, use shit for something else, and something else, and something else, and something else, forever, without us having to produce new resources for each “something else”.

We don’t need money to run our economy or limit scarcity. We can limit scarcity through responsible consumption and production, where we localize production, establish complex trade networks, adopt the 6 Rs of zero waste, and rot and recycle when all other options are exhausted. Where we share the shit we already have instead of hoarding it for ourselves, where we borrow things temporarily, like with a library, until we are done so the next person can use it. Where we turn the process of accessing goods into gift-giving, offering the fruits of our labour only so that people may benefit from it.

Second part here.

[aestheticdriven]

((Random human verse headcanons

- Trust fund baby

- Like seriously he had his own place and car all through college and while he isn't going to purposefully use his parent's influence to get him gigs he has zero worries about when he will get his big break because he doesn't need to worry about living comfortably while it doesn't happen. Myth of the struggling artist my ass.

- His family is from London and their main residence is there but they have a house and close relatives in New York and since his mother's company has many partners in the States they are constantly travelling back and forth either all together or any of them alone whenever they want to. Matthew specifically has no preference on whether his big break happens on B.roadway or W.est End, so whenever his friends tell him of an audition he is interested in, he goes.

- Do I need to say his family has a jet?

- He actually sat through almost a full year of a business major before he broke down and told his parents he hated it and wanted to change. He was super worried and thought he would be thrown out of the family but his parents were super supportive (only his brother mocked him a bit for it).

- The moment he changed courses he promptly forgot everything he had learned the year before. He still remembers some of the theoretical parts but anything math related got nuked.

- He got very famous on T.ik T.ok and other social media by making sketch performances and dance videos with his friends and by himself. He has hundreds of thousands of followers and he hopes that will help him break into big productions soon (influencer life is very nice but it isn't what he wants at the end of the day).

- At the moment he has absolutely no interest in being in movies or TV shows, he only wants to be on stage. One of his absolute dreams is being cast as D.orian G.ray in a modern adaptation of the book into a play, but he will take any role in any O.scar W.ilde production since he’s his favourite playwright.

- He knows many plays by heart and can and will quote them in daily conversation for no reason.

- Unironically has H.arry S.tyles as one of his biggest fashion influences.))

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[maulusque]

Nothing you post will ever be funnier than Fox marrying Palpatine, divorcing him, and taking all his money. the reason I find it so funny is because Sheev would 100% marry Fox, Fox knows all the skeevy shit he gets up to, he can’t let him testify against him if he ever ends up in court

alright pack it in everyone i have PEAKED

ok so imagine: Fox is Stressed to the fucking breaking point, and it’s at least 80% palpatine’s fault, so he comes up with this bullshit idea while drunk, to marry the asshole and then CLEAN HOUSE. and once fox decides that he’s going to do something, he’s gonna fucking do it, no matter how absurd. he’s scarily persistent and freakishly creative, he’ll make it work.

So when Fox starts hate-flirting with palpatine and leaving him suggestive notes, ol’ Palps sees an opportunity to tie up a potentially dangerous loose end- Fox and the other high-ranking officers of the Coruscant Guard don’t have chips, because Palpatine might need them to be doing something else during Order 66, and he needs at least some personal elite troops who absolutely can’t be compromised by the wrong person finding the wrong database in his secret files. But at the same time, that means that he’s relying on loyalty- to the republic, or to him, personally, to control them. He’s done a pretty good job with most of the command officers, little favors and gifts, smiles and recognition for their work, “oh certainly i can make sure your friend gets transferred to coruscant”, or providing a fund to keep 79′s open. That sort of thing. 

But Fox? That motherfucker knows his internet history, so when when Fox starts hitting on him with all the subtlety of an orbital strike, Skeevy Sheevy fucking JUMPS ON that shit. Flirting back even harder, setting up elaborate secret dates, showering Fox in expensive gifts. Fox is like “holy shit this asshole must be really fucking lonely if he’s this easy” and amps up his romantic efforts to take advantage. Sheev is thinking “wow this poor naive fool is so easily manipulated, i have his heart on a string” and they’re both just constantly one-upping each other with ridiculous over-the-top romantic gestures.

They’re going on dates and calling each other disgusting pet names like “sheevy-bear” and “my silver fox” within a week. Sheev uses what he thinks are sophisticated terms of endearment, Fox has to bite his tongue to keep from losing it on their “dates”. Fox meanwhile is just trying to see how ridiculous he can make his pet names, and the answer is pretty fucking ridiculous because the chancellor is just eating that shit up.

Palpatine proposes about three months into their mutual charade. Fox gets all weepy and cries when he accepts, partially because he’s a good actor, and partially because he really is quite stressed, ok. and he has no trouble acting elated and happy because he had no idea it would be this easy, he was expecting to be playing the long game for at least a year and a half. Palpatine is just eager to lock this down. keep your enemies closer, and all that. Plus, with all the fake dating they’ve been doing, Fox now knows MUCH more than just his internet history. He agrees to whatever ridiculous bullshit Fox demands for their wedding, because he just wants to get this official as soon as possible, and he’s supposed to be in love with this moron, so he just says yes to whatever Fox suggests. “Yes dear of course we can have pink carnations at the wedding. Yes of course we can import the cake from a hostile planet. Yes of course we can conduct the ceremony underwater and in zero-g, i agree it would be very romantic. yes of course i’ll sign this absurdly detailed pre-nup, whatever you want, my darling sexy fox.”

Fox has to disguise his tears of laughter as tears of happiness during the (secret, but still legally binding) wedding. Palpatine let him hire a screamo band and fox is wearing a neon orange suit, and Palpatine is trying to come up with something nice to say about the troop of interpretive dancers that Fox insisted on, and Fox is living.

Fox lets it last a month and a half- just long enough for them to go on their incredibly lavish, luxurious honeymoon cruise, which, despite the presence of Palpatine, is very relaxing, thank you very much. They return to coruscant, Fox takes a few weeks to himself, making sure he’s got himself a good lawyer, and then fucking TAKES THAT BASTARD TO COURT. Palpatine is completely blindsided, and now he has to salvage this situation, because if he doesn’t (and it’ll be hard- Coruscant allows no-fault divorce) then Fox gets EVERYTHING- all his money, all his assets, all his property on Naboo, his ships, his fucking wardrobe, and wait, has that clause really been in there the whole fucking time? his emergency powers as chancellor (Fox put that in there for a laugh, he really thought Palpatine would have at least skimmed the thing before signing it, right?).

So Palpatine is freaking out, trying to figure out what made Fox fall out of love with him, try to fix it, and simultaneously try to spin the media in his favor, because oh boy, Fox is NOT being quiet about this and now the Chancellor’s whirlwind romance and collapsing marriage is Trending on space-twitter and dooku is leaving him messages going “?????” . So the news networks are all broadcasting footage of Palpatine in the courtroom, begging Fox to take him back, sobbing (fake) tears of heartbreak, and Fox (who can’t resist drama) crying “you could NEVER truly love me, I see that now, marrying you was a MISTAKE” 

Palpatine is grinding his teeth and seething inside at having to act the heartbroken Remorseful Husband for Fox, and for the public, meanwhile Fox is having the time of his fucking life. He lets the drama drag on a bit, waffling back and forth about whether to go through with the divorce (publicly- of course he’s still divorcing the bastard, he just wants to see him suffer first). he’ll give an interview one day where he’s crying gently and talking about the “love we used to have, he used to be so sweet, but now he’s just cold” and then talking about all the sweet things his “sheevy-bear” has done for him (palpatine has resolved to murder Fox, quietly but very painfully, for putting those pet names in intergalactic news. Fox is doing it on purpose). He lets it almost seem like he’s talked himself out of the divorce, and yes, Marlene, maybe there is a chance he could make it up to me, Then the next interview he gives he’ll trounce on camera, wearing the most expensive fur coat palpatine has ever given him (over his armor, he can be somewhat professional) and raging about how “I could never love that bastard” and “he hurt me, i can barely even stand to see his FACE” and “good riddance to bad trash!”

After a few weeks of jerking Palpatine (and the raptly attentive public) back and forth, Fox gets down to business and finalizes the divorce. In the end, there’s very little palpatine’s lawyers can do, that pre-nup is airtight. including the bit about his emergency powers. So overnight, Fox becomes incredibly rich, incredibly powerful, and also the supreme commander of the GAR. how about that. And hmm what’s in these computer drives I legally own now? What’s this about contingency orders? oh YIKES. and oh, look at that, decades of records of bribery, corruption, and- hey, is this a chat log of texts with count dooku? 

Fox orders Palpatine’s arrest two days after the divorce. Palpatine tried to go into hiding, but it’s hard when your ex-husband now owns all your ships. and your house. and your clothes. Palpatine is crying for reals as he is is escorted off to jail. The great Sith Lord, done in by a foolish love-struck clone (does he ever figure out that Fox was just yanking his chain for stress relief? I choose to think Not).

Fox proceeds to fix everything, end the war, clone rights, ban leafblowers, yadda yadda. He retires to cruise the galaxy in his very nice space yacht. He also keeps the fur coat.

[kittenfemme27]

Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate

So, at this point, its a pretty cold take to say that Batman could address the crime related problems of Gotham City by funding development programs, education, and other social programs that would help "criminals" get on the right path. That Gotham Citys notorious Villains wouldn't even be motivated to be such huge and over the top personalities if it wasn't for the fact they had an equally huge personality with which to combat each others Narcissistic Personality Disorders against. That Gotham City, for all its faults, would be a better place without Batman ever having stepped foot in it, and that Batman is honestly just a little bit of a crypto fascist. Everyone's said it, or at least thought it, and everyone's pretty much in agreement that it's true to some extent or another.

Except DC, of course, who continue to make millions pushing Batman as the one true and only good savior of the ailing city. Who continues to make comic after comic showcasing the various villains become near caricatures of themselves as they get more and more cartoonishly evil to foil batmans plans, while bruce himself gets more and more wise to the point of being a near omnipotent God who has accounted for each and every possibility in the entire universe. This personification of the Dark Knight is very important to DC, and while they attempt to sometimes show Bruces "philanthropy" within the comics, they often somehow exacerbate just how much of a problem it is that Bruce and Waynecorp effectively own Gotham, and why the concept of The Batman is a problem in and of itself.

So it was pretty par for the course then that, for a short time between 2009 to 2015, DC Comics teamed up with Rocksteady Studios and Warner Brothers Montreal to create the Batman: Arkham video game series that featured the exact same crypto fash Bat that fans have come to know and love. The Arkham series was a western take on the popular Japenese game genre that we know today as "Character Action". It's a bit of a hard genre to describe, but its typically distinguishable by being a Third Person game in where your character takes on hordes of enemies and is very, very powerful right from the get go. Where you have combo meters that break on the slightest bit of damage and the combat revolves just as much around being stylish and impressive to look at, as it is engaging and outrageously difficult. From a gameplay perspective, DC and Rocksteady couldn't have picked a better superhero to go with when adapting the Character Action genre to the west. Batman has no powers, and relies entirely on his gadgets and martial arts training to effectively subdue those in front of him. This allowed the Arkham series to shine as a half Character Action, half Stealth Puzzle game, creating what was effectively a 3D Third Person Metroidvania Brawler. It was a match made in Heaven. The end result of the Arkham Series popularity created an entire genre of combat and gameplay styles that have majorly impacted and outlived the Arkham series, with pretty much any super hero game afterwards being simply an Arkham game with a skin. It also meant that Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, the publisher, had an effective cash cow they could milk for everything it was worth. Immediately after the publication of the first game, Batman: Arkham Aslyum, production began on a second game titled Batman: Arkham City that was much larger in scope. Set to be an open world that took place in all of Gotham as the inmates of the Aslyum escaped and overtook the city. Batman: Arkham City was released in 2011 to absolute critical praise and from that point on, the Arkham Series of games was here to stay and here to become a franchise with yearly release Al-a Call of Duty. A mobile game came out the same year as the second game, and every year after following you had at least 2 games in the Arkham-verse release thereafter. Rocksteady, bless their overworked and creatively burnt out hearts, could not keep up with this demand while they developed a sequel to Arkham City that was meant to be even larger in scope. Warner Brothers instead then tapped an in-house development team, WB Games Montreal, for a prequel game that took place as the Batman was finding his footing and dealing with his first major crime outbreak.

This prequel came to be known as Batman: Arkham Origins and was released in 2013. It's widely considered by fans of the series to be the black sheep of the series. Having none of the original charm or excitement of the first games, as it was made to be a yearly entry into the series rather than with the care and attention that Rocksteady put into the previous two entries. Warner Brothers Interactive however were very, very sure that they wanted to put all their eggs in this new Arkham prequel themed basket and developed not just one, not just two, but three separate spin offs! These spinoffs were as follows:

- An iOS mobile fighting game that had the same name as the original game developed by the Mortal Kombat developers Netherrealm Studios(Fun fact: This is the 2nd iOS Arkham fighting game they had made at that point.)

-An animated direct to video sequel-to-the-prequel titled "Batman: Assault on Arkham" that ultimately bombed pretty hard.

-And finally the game I'll be writing about today, a Playstation Vita/Nintendo 3DS (And later PC/Xbox 360/Playstation 3 release with updated textures) side game that was also sequel-to-the-prequel known as Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate.

Even reading this back in 2020, I cannot fathom why they had such confidence in this series as to fund this many projects in this specific prequel time period of the Arkham Universe. Needless to say, all of these were critical failures. But being one of the 6 people left in the world who still excitedly owns a Playstation Vita in 2020, I was goaded by the other 5 to give the final spin-off game a shot.

And so I did.

I want my 8 hours of life it took to complete it back.

Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate is a 2.5D Metroidvania that tries really, really hard to be a mainline Arkham game despite being designed primarily as a Metroidvania. For those unaware, a metroidvania is a genre of game that features a large map with procedural upgrades that allow you to access more and more of the map, often requiring you to remember locations so that you can backtrack to them and try out new upgrades to see if they let you into these new areas. Blackgate follows this formula and does it very, very, very poorly.

You might be feeling a bit of confusion here, though, as earlier within this article I described the Arkham main line series as essentially a 3D Metroidvania style of games. And given this earlier comparison, when going into Blackgate I honestly expected this combination of an Arkham game that was more focused on being a Metroidvania to be really good! Metroidvanias are one of my favorite types of genres and I'm regrettably a fan of the Arkham games, so I was all set and ready to settle into what I was hoping would be a good game, or at least a decent one.

The issues with the genre this game has decided to cram itself awkwardly into are immediate and apparent the moment you boot the game. Being 2.5D, which in every other instance I've ever seen means "Plays exactly like a 2D game in every way, but is just done in 3d and thus uses 3D Models" Blackgate decides that sort of consistency is beneath it and constantly shifts its own perspective. Its never not a sidescrolling camera view, but its levels also have you make turns in L-Shaped corridors that mean your map screen is entirely useless. In Metroid: Zero Mission, for example, your map is a side on view of the chambers. It has long sections that go up and down in what is effectively the Y axis, and long corridors that go left and right in the X axis. This is how every single Metroidvania does its Map screen, including other 2.5D Metroidvanias I have played in the past. To do so otherwise would destroy any sense of understanding of verticality that exists within the game world. No Metroidvania ever "turns" in the middle of a corridor into another corridor that suddenly goes forwards and backwards on what would be the Z axis.

In Blackgate, however, your map screen is a top-down view of Arkham Aslyum that has corridors that go forwards and backwards, left and right, and does noting to denote any verticality in any of the areas. What this effectively means is that  you're going to spend an annoying amount of time moving forward into a corridor and then hitting your map button to try and discern exactly where the hell you are in relation to the rest of the world. It doesn't help then that the facility of Arkham Aslyum is not traversed normally, as almost all doors and elevators and any set of stairs are non-existent and the ones that are there do not work or are not accessible. The Facility is in ruins due to the events of the game and that means you will constantly be working your way through crawlspaces and vents or even simply holes in the floor or cieling that allow you to progress around the map. Again, this betrays a core tenat of any Metroidvania, as backtracking to locations is a huge and important part of the core gameplay loop. Doing so in Blackgate is like pulling teeth trying to remember which vent took you where and what specific level of verticality you need to be on that takes you where you want to go.

The combat is copy/pasted directly from any other arkham game, where you magnetically snap between enemies and have a combo meter that is broken if you're hit as well as a parry system for incoming attacks. This system, in short, does not work in the slightest in a side scrolling perspective. Not only are enemies often grouped up in a way that makes keeping a combo impossible, but for some reason you are almost always unable to counter someone who is about to hit you if you're not directly facing them. Effectively this turns every fight into a chore where you are just trying to get through it as quickly as possible while trying your best to maintain a combo. In the mainline arkham series, they eventually start adding enemies that have to be taken out in special ways, such as stunning them with your cape or jumping over them as they have armor on their front. Blackgate tries to do the same thing, but effectively gives up after 2 unique enemies as the system just doesn't allow for anything else. The combat isn't absolutely the worst i've ever played, but its definitely the worst version of the Arkham combat system's that i've ever seen. To top it off, the Boss fights within the game are all "Puzzles" of a kind where you must navigate a room in a specific way to hit a Boss 3 times. The frustrating aspect of these puzzle based boss fights is that they may only be solved one way, with no room for experimentation with the Batmans various arsenal of Gadgets and Tools, and also that any mistake will instantly kill you and reset your progress to the start of the fight. These are, in a word, frustrating. More often than not they become a trial of repetition to try and find whatever way the game wants you to subdue the Boss.

An example of one of these incompetent boss fights that irked me the most would be the Black Mask fight. Within this fight, you come in from the left side and use a batarang to take out a single light out of a row of them. This may lead you to believe that you must take out all the lights and take out Black Mask in complete darkness. This is not the case. Instead, you must take out one single light and then duck into the crawl space under the masked Villain, then come out of the end of the vent below him, and hit an alarm on the side you used to be on. This causes him to start shooting in that direction at the sound. At this point, you may think you sneak up behind him and take him out while he's distracted. Unfortunately, you'd still be wrong! Trying this will result in him immediately realizing you're behind him and turn around, filling you with bullets and instantly killing you. What you must do instead is to go back into the grates while he moves towards the center of the arena. At this point, you must jump up from the grates when prompted to one-hit KO him, being one of the few bosses you do not have to hit 3 times. A fun fact about this fight however, is that if you miss that opportunity then the fight soft locks and you have to let him kill you to restart. Every fight is like this, with this much incompetence abound.

You may have noticed at this point that I have neglected to mention any of the Bats arsenal or Toolkit that you use during the course of the game. That is because, frankly, it does not matter. The upgrades you get simply allow you to go into different doors or different vents or break holes into walls but that's it. They serve no other gameplay purpose, no other combat role, nothing. A common trend within Metroidvanias is that the upgrades you get are dual purpose. An example being the Ice Beam from literally any Metroid game. This is both a damage up and allows you to stunlock difficult enemies, it also allows you to freeze enemies and turn them into platforms with which to progress the further into the map. No gadget within Blackgate serves this dual purpose, and as such there's barely any point to even bring them up other to lament their boring design.

The problem with Gadgets is moreso just a part of a much larger pacing problem that the entire game suffers from. Blackgate is divided into three maps, wherein you must search different wings of Arkham Aslyum to find The Joker, Penguin, and Black Mask as they have all escaped and cordoned off each zone into a headquarters for their respective gang of thugs. Something quite common within Metroidvanias is non-linearity, wherein you can get to an objective in any way that you have access to via your upgrades. There are numerous methods where you may even "Sequence break" the game, or do something earlier than you are intended to do so by the natural flow of the game. This is not a design oversight, it is an intentional part of the formula. I can only assume then that splitting up the game into these 3 chunks was an attempt at recreating this non-linearity. But it effectively does not matter. At a certain point in any of the maps, you will be stopped and told to go to another to procure an upgrade to proceed. There are no other options. There is no sequence breaking. There isn't even a point to explore anywhere else. You cannot progress the game until you do exactly what it asks of you. No matter what order you'd actually like to do it in, you will take on Penguin, then Black Mask, then The Joker. You are not allowed to deviate from this path. The fact that this linearity is forced onto you just makes me wish the ability to pick and choose your map had just been taken out and the charade of non-linearity taken away, as it feels more like a slap in the face that everytime I tried to explore somewhere, the game halted me and told me I wasn't allowed to do that.

So, at this point all I have left to cover is the story. As it is, its bare bones. Prisoners have escaped, you need to go chase them back into their cells and restore peace in Arkham, meanwhile Catwoman is helping you out over comms and guiding you to where you need to go next. The opening of the game actually has you spend about 10 minutes chasing catwoman, only to be stopped by literal police when you catch her, to which Bruce simply tells them that the law is actually in his hands as the Batman, and then proceeds to beat up and subdue these police while letting Catwoman escape, who then secretly triggers the entire charade within Arkham so that she may escape with Bane who is hidden within a literal fucking panopticon inside the lowest bowels of the Aslyum. Standard Batman story, very by the book.

But there is something much, much more interesting at play within Blackgate. Something I'm not entirely sure the developers intended. I started this article with a preamble about the latent fascism of Bruce Wayne and the reason for that is because the game seemingly understands that these things are a problem. Within the game, you often can hear the low level grunts that you can fight around the various maps long before they see you. If you simply wait a moment and listen to some of their idle dialogue, they have a surprising amount of complaints about their crazed villainous bosses, but they've also got quite a lot to say about the state of Gotham itself. These citizens of the disastrous city will often lament that they have no other choice than to work for one of these absolute lunatics. They often state they know they will likely die on this job, and that they know they are disposable to their bosses, and generally that they do not like the positions they are in job-wise. However they're very clear in stating that they no choice. No education, being a convicted felon, and most of all with Batman patrolling the streets? A life of crime that leads directly into a stint on Arkham Aslyum is the life of a good 80% of Gothams population. They even talk at times about forming unions before laughing off the idea as they know they will be outright murdered by one of their respective bosses.

So Blackgate is aware of the issues of Batman, right? Its grunts repeatedly belt out the same problems that any easy criticism of Batman has. The problem, however, is that because these are grunts of a gang and because Batman is supposed to be Cool and The Good Guy, these are meant to be treated as jokes. Not legitimate criticisms, not actual problems, just stupid things that stupid criminals are saying. Blackgate is obsessed with maintaining the image that Batman is actually in the right morally for everything he does. An image it only struggles to maintain as its revealed later that Bruce's corporation, Waynecorp, FUNDS Arkham Aslyum. Those upgrades you get? they are various upgrades left around by Bruce's construction teams ON PURPOSE in case a prison riot ever happened. Meanwhile, a minor bossfight early on has a, and I wish I was joking here, black man in prison for a crime he didn't commit directly tell Batman that not only does he not want to hurt him(Penguin has him at gunpoint and forces him to fight you, thus the boss battle) but that he did not commit the crime he was thrown in jail for, and that if batman was at gunpoint with no other option he'd do the same things. Batman simply responds that he, being the rich white man that he is, would never be in the same position as his enemy. Subtle racism, I guess, is another one of Batmans infinite gadgets on his toolkit.

I cannot stress enough how deeply fucked up this all is. Bruce spends his days funding a what is essentially a private prison that he controls in a city that is so poor he is the de-facto owner of it, only to spend his nights putting whoever he decides is a bad person into these prisons while creating the conditions that lead to so many people following a life of crime. The game is explicit about this. It does not do like the rest of Batman media and shy away from the criticisms of Bruces latent fascism, it lays them completely bare. But it expects that you will think Batman is actually morally justified for creating this prison pipeline he directly profits from while he gets to LARP at night as a spectre of justice. It's despicable and while I don't think it was done on purpose, it was clearly a rushed game made very quickly for handhelds so that there'd be a yearly Arkham game, it says a lot about our consumption of superhero related media which already has many problematic aspects that the creators of this game expected, and were likely right to expect, that we would find this latent fascism and prison pipeline inherently understandable and even morally justified and badass. It's one of the reasons I couldn't wait to simply put the game down and never think about it again. Something I'll be glad to do as soon as I finish this article.

So, final words then.

Blackgate is a shit game. Its a shit metroidvania, with a shit upgrade system, a boring story, WILDLY problematic politics and a take on Batman. It doesn’t work as an Arkham game, it doesn’t work as a Metroidvania, it barely functions as anything even remotely interesting to put your time into, I don't know why Warner Brothers was so invested in this world. I don't know why they put so much money into the Origins timeline. But we're all better off with the fact that it failed and that after Arkham Knight, the final of the Arkham Trilogy(from Rocksteady), they planned to end the series.

Oh wait, they're making a Suicide Squad game set in the Arkham-verse due to release in 2021, apparently.

Fucking hell.

[ibrahimkhalilof]

This is How I Made $40k In Passive Income By Age 26

I’m talking here about real passive income, not the kind where you spend years writing a book. There’s one caveat though and you need money to make money.

I started investing part of my income every month at age 23. Three years later, I had made $40k in profit tax-free and could put down a deposit on my first house. All with less than an hour of effort per year. $13k per hour of work doesn’t sound bad, does it?

It’s not sexy but I relied on getting a professional job and investing my excess income. Many in my position don’t do this and sacrifice future financial freedom. You can take the profits to start up your own business with less reliance on outside help. Self-funding the initial stages gives you more credibility when asking others for more money.

My Economics bachelors and central bank experience made me confident to invest responsibly. Yet the steps I took weren’t complex and here I break down what I did.

NOTE: Lucky factors went my way with exchange rates, freak performance, and government bonus schemes amongst others. Do not read this and think similar performance can be produced reliably in the future. This is a high-level overview and I do not go into blow-by-blow detail.

Surrendered my arrogance

One of the biggest mistakes I see is people thinking they are exceptional. Investment funds have whole teams of hyperqualified people and complex algorithms. Yet 85.1% of active funds have failed to beat the S&P 500 in the last 10 years. How can you honestly believe you can win?

I bought index and active funds from the major economies rather than individual stocks. This takes the decision making out of my hands. As I’m from the UK, I invested through an ISA (the equivalent of a superpowered Roth IRA) to earn tax-free.

I spread myself out geographically with stocks in the USA, UK, mainland Europe, and Asia. My risk was dramatically reduced as I owned shares in thousands of companies. By using index funds, my fees were far lower than buying individual stocks. When I wanted exposure and index funds were unavailable, I found funds by managers with long histories.

Invested first and spent afterward

Every month, the same amount left my account automatically. I never considered this as spending money so it never factored into my buying decisions. I could start the account with significant savings from 1.5 years of working that were sitting in a low-interest current account.

There are all kinds of apps to encourage people to invest their savings. One of the tricks I dislike is rounding up purchases to send to the pot. You buy a cookie for 20 cents and 80 cents goes straight into your fund. This takes control away from you and leaves your input reliant on chance events. The return is already based on chance so why make it even more uncertain!

Some portray compounding as a type of sorcery. Yet 7% return per year for ten years on ten dollars is $9.67 profit. On a thousand dollars it is $967. Don’t make the excuse of something is better than nothing when you can put away more. It takes time to build a portfolio to the point where it can make a difference in your life. I had a massive advantage by living with my parents.

If you truly want passive income, you need to examine your spending habits too and decide if anything is a luxury you are happy to be without.

Never invested if I couldn’t afford to lose 50%

I could invest more than I did but I always kept some in reserve. If anything happened to me, I could cope with losing half the value of my investments. The amount you’re willing to risk can change over time and change your plans in line with this.

The worst crashes in the S&P history have taken the value to around half but they have always bounced back. We still didn’t fall below this even when news of the pandemic hit or when the financial crisis of 2008 struck. You can be confident a developed country’s stock market won’t completely self-destruct. Only a massive event could do this and then you’d have bigger problems!

Individual stocks can go to zero but it is harder for a fund to do so. You must feel comfortable with the unlikely worst-case scenario for peace of mind. There’s always a chance of great losses and you can’t blame anyone else if you lose more than you can handle. It is possible to lose everything!

Examined my opportunity costs

Let’s not pretend it isn’t a privilege to invest. Not only must you cover your expenses but also your debts. I was fortunate to have student loan debt with an interest of less than 2%. As long as I believed I could beat this rate, it made sense to invest extra money rather than paying off debts early.

Yet I know others are not as lucky. The average stock market return in the long-run has been 7% for the S&P. If the interest on your debt is higher than this, pay it off first! You have to decide your willingness to take the risk if your interest is less than this. I cannot tell you how much. I took a risk by investing in emerging economies and those paid off.

For entrepreneurs, when starting a business you should believe you can beat this rate in the long run. At the time, I didn’t have a business idea I thought would be a better path. You should be confident in forecasting significantly more than this to make the extra effort worth it.

Allowed the money to do its thing

There’s a secret of investing many people seem to forget. Looking at the numbers doesn’t magically make them increase. Interfering too much will backfire.

I thought about taking my money out several times when it looked like the peak. I thought about adding more whenever it looked like the bottom. Every time I was wrong. I would have lost wealth if I had acted. Trying to perfectly time the market will leave you anxious and constantly checking the news. Not to mention the lost income by needing to pay fees for every trade.

What you need to take with you

Investing in the way I did gave me much greater financial freedom. I did it while working a 9–5 and fresh out of university. The hardest part is working to get the money to invest but once you have this, it’s about making the strategy as easy as possible. These are the steps I took and can help you too.

1. Surrendered my arrogance — I bought funds, not individual stocks.

2. Invested first then spent afterward — I could only spend what I hadn’t invested.

3. Never invested if I couldn’t afford to lose 50% — I didn’t put my security at risk.

4. Examined my opportunity costs — I was sure it was the best use of my money.

5. Allowed the money to do its thing — I didn’t obsessively check on it.

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day! Remember this is my story and you must examine the risks for yourself. I have intentionally not given the exact funds because they may not perform the same in the future.

Any actions taken are completely at your own risk, this should not be considered financial or legal advice. I am not a financial advisor. Please consult a financial professional before making major financial decisions.

[thesustainableswap]

Say Goodbye to Fast Fashion.

For some of us it’s easier said than done. We’ve grown up online, where anything and everything is available to purchase and have delivered to your door within moments. But, it’s time for us to consider just how fair fashion is (short answer, it’s often not). For those constantly shopping for deals, for those trawling websites like wish, shein, boohoo and pretty little thing, for those making the rounds in primark, H&M and even TopShop - it’s time to consider what impact your purchase is having on others.

I’m sure you remember this absolutely ICONIC moment from the Lizzie McGuire movie, in which Lizzie is shamed by Kate for wearing an outfit she has already worn, thus being the worst of all people: ‘An Outfit Repeater.’ I too once had this fear, feeling like I could not be seen in the same thing twice. With the birth of social media, outfit repeating became even more shameful. You could no longer repeat an outfit for different groups of friends if you had already uploaded a picture in it online. The horror!

Fashion had to adapt to this culture of buying an outfit purely for one event. Starting with weddings, but then seeping into less prestigious life events, 16th birthday’s, proms, random nights out where you attempt to impress a bunch of drunk people you don’t know and will ultimately end with you being sick on the floor. I’ve been there. I feel you. Fashion followed the trend, giving you a one off, single use outfit for every occasion at low low prices.

Cheap labour combined with cheap materials often brings us items that wear down or break easily. Forever on the hunt for bargains, we often fail to see the repercussions of our actions. We are driven by the need to have the newest trends at the most affordable prices. Factory workers and delivery drivers are often on zero hour contracts and given little to no support (see my blog post on why I don’t support Amazon here). Garment makers across the globe earn little and work in poor, unsafe conditions. Once again, Corona virus is highlighting the main issues that come up time and time again across industries, especially the fast fashion industry.

On March 31st, ASOS’ warehouse in Barnsley was open. That warehouse sees up to 4,000 employees. They do not have any protective equipment, they’re dealing with an unclean workplace, they have to be in close proximity with other workers. It’s not like it’s beneficial for a worker to take time off either, as statutory sick pay in the UK stands at £95.85 a week. JD Sports is also still open, with workers there saying their lives are being ‘put at risk.’

Over on Instagram, XR Boycott Fashion have uploaded information on just how much money brands are withholding from garment workers. They write:

“A humanitarian crisis is unfolding in Bangladesh, with the fate of 4.1 million garment workers in the hands of western fashion brands, who have reportedly cancelled over $2.8 billion in orders as the COVID19 crisis escalates.” The True Cost Of Brands Not Paying For Orders During The COVID-19 Crisis by Brookes Robert-Islam, Forbes, March 2020.

The production on these garments is completed. The orders fulfilled. These workers should not now have to suffer by waiting for what they are owed. I realise how lucky and fortunate I and many of my friends are - to be in positions where we are working from home, where maybe we have been furloughed, or completely unable to do our job but we are still getting paid for it. I fall into that last category, as I work as an English teacher / childminder here in France. I can’t do that job right now but I am still getting paid (my full wage) because, luckily, France seems to have a good social security system. In the UK a furloughed wage sits at around 80% of what you normally earn. Though, if you’re on that £95 a week... that’s rough. That is certainly not enough to live on. But these garment workers, they are getting nothing. Zero. And despite that, there still seems to be confusion over whether they should be working or not, with workers being called into the factories or trying to get there themselves (risking their lives), traveling on packed vehicles. It seems now that the factories are planning to shut, but that still leaves the workers living in uncertainty.

So let’s name and shame those companies who are withholding payment.

(Image from XR Boycott Fashion’s instagram page)

I urge anyone reading this. Now, and after Corona virus, really consider where your clothing comes from. Can you be sure that everyone in the supply chain is protected and supported? Are you certain that people are being paid fairly for their work? I’m sure you recognise this headline from 2019, when Missguided sold a bikini for £1. If something is that cheap, then somewhere along the line, someone is suffering.

Join me by swapping out fast fashion companies. Even if you aren’t someone who buys clothes for one event. Even if you (like me) have pieces in your wardrobe that you’ve had from high street brands for years! Pledge to yourself that you will not support them any longer. I use the app Good On You if I see something I like in a shop to check the ethics of the company. If it scores three out of five or less, I don’t buy it. Mend what you already have. Shop secondhand. Check out depop or other similar swapping apps. Companies like this, like ASOS, like Primark... they are only interested in their profit. They will continue to exploit workers for as long as they can. The only way to put a stop to it is to not fund them and speak up against them.

(And, despite what Kate says - Repeat those outfits!)

Until next time,

The Sustainable Swap.

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via A "Rational Suicide" Note. Ft. Anne Örtegren.)

November 9, 2019

This is a “suicide” note left by a ME/CFS sufferer who sought and found relief from her suffering via legal, medically assisted suicide.  She says this manifesto took her months to write, which I do not doubt a bit: it is long, detailed and polished and was written when she was feeling terrible.  She wrote it with the intent to describe her almost indescribable pain and experience, and to convince others to take action on behalf of ME/CFS sufferers, both of which are lofty communication goals when anyone is seriously ill.

Describing and convincing have been my most impossible endeavors since I’ve been seriously ill myself and I think I have mostly failed, judging by others’ reactions to everything I’ve managed to gather the physical and emotional grit to attempt to communicate: that I am seriously, hopelessly ill with an incurable, progressive disease, that there is no bottom to how bad this can get, and it matters not what anyone thinks about it.  Some things are just true regardless of whether anyone believes it.

In this note, ME/CFS patient Anne Örtegren describes symptoms and dilemmas I have experienced myself and she foresees logical outcomes to her predicament, something sick people and especially sick women are never allowed to do because catastrophization. For example, she knows that her heightened sensitivity to light and sound will make treatment or recovery in a hospital setting impossible where the standard of care in that environment requires constant activity and interruptions, and provides no privacy and no escape from the harsh industrial lighting, interrogations by (allegedly) well meaning staff and the general hustle and bustle of capitalistic money making on the backs and bodies of sick and dying people.

That is but one example of a sick person making informed prognostications regarding likely outcomes of the things other people want to do to us, and as someone who shares these sensitivities to light and sound (and therefore an aversion to hospital settings) as but one example of our shared experience of being seriously ill, I appreciated her spelling it out.  I also feel extremely sad that she had to, and furious that no one who allegedly cared about her wellbeing including medical professionals who should be fucking sensitive to the actual needs of real patients could make the leap themselves.  There are many such examples in this letter.

See for yourselves, and understand that as illuminating and raw as this letter is, it’s also been edited by the publisher and a so-called suicide prevention expert because the bottom line everywhere appears to be that there is no such thing as rational suicide or euthanasia because well people and people who make money off of the long-term sick and dying say so.  And because living in this capitalistic, patriarchal nightmare is so hideous for so many people that “suicide contagion” exists, where just knowing that someone, somewhere had whatever it took to end themselves is likely to cause untold numbers of happy, healthy consumers with bright futures to do the same damn thing.  Yeah that’s it, let’s keep telling ourselves that.

The letter as published is reprinted below.  The unedited letter supposedly exists online somewhere if anyone cares to look and has the energy to figure out how and where the edited version differs from the original.  Comments are open below.

Farewell – A Last Post from Anne Örtegren

Nobody can say that I didn’t put up enough of a fight.

For 16 years I have battled increasingly severe ME/CFS. My condition has steadily deteriorated and new additional medical problems have regularly appeared, making it ever more difficult to endure and make it through the day (and night).

Throughout this time, I have invested almost every bit of my tiny energy in the fight for treatment for us ME/CFS patients. Severely ill, I have advocated from my bedroom for research and establishment of biomedical ME/CFS clinics to get us proper health care. All the while, I have worked hard to find something which would improve my own health. I have researched all possible treatment options, got in contact with international experts and methodically tried out every medication, supplement and regimen suggested.

Sadly, for all the work done, we still don’t have adequately sized specialized biomedical care for ME/CFS patients here in Stockholm, Sweden – or hardly anywhere on the planet. We still don’t have in-patient hospital units adapted to the needs of the severely ill ME/CFS patients. Funding levels for biomedical ME/CFS research remain ridiculously low in all countries and the erroneous psychosocial model which has caused me and others so much harm is still making headway.

And sadly, for me personally things have gone from bad to worse to unbearable. I am now mostly bedbound and constantly tortured by ME/CFS symptoms. I also suffer greatly from a number of additional medical problems, the most severe being a systematic hyper-reactivity in the form of burning skin combined with an immunological/allergic reaction. This is triggered by so many things that it has become impossible to create an adapted environment. Some of you have followed my struggle to find clothes and bed linen I can tolerate. Lately, I am simply running out. I no longer have clothes I can wear without my skin “burning up” and my body going into an allergic state.

This means I no longer see a way out from this solitary ME/CFS prison and its constant torture. I can no longer even do damage control, and my body is at the end of its rope. Therefore, I have gone through a long and thorough process involving several medical assessments to be able to choose a peaceful way out: I have received a preliminary green light for accompanied suicide through a clinic in Switzerland.

When you read this I am at rest, free from suffering at last. I have written this post to explain why I had to take this drastic step. Many ME/CFS patients have found it necessary to make the same decision, and I want to speak up for us, as I think my reasons may be similar to those of many others with the same sad destiny.

These reasons can be summed up in three headers: unbearable suffering; no realistic way out of the suffering; and the lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs.

Important note Before I write more about these reasons, I want to stress something important. Depression is not the cause of my choice. Though I have been suffering massively for many years, I am not depressed. I still have all my will and my motivation. I still laugh and see the funny side of things, I still enjoy doing whatever small activities I can manage. I am still hugely interested in the world around me – my loved ones and all that goes on in their lives, the society, the world (what is happening in human rights issues? how can we solve the climate change crisis?) During these 16 years, I have never felt any lack of motivation.

On the contrary, I have consistently fought for solutions with the goal to get myself better and help all ME/CFS patients get better. There are so many things I want to do, I have a lot to live for. If I could only regain some functioning, quieten down the torture a bit and be able to tolerate clothes and a normal environment, I have such a long list of things I would love to do with my life!

Three main reasons So depression is not the reason for my decision to terminate my life. The reasons are the following:

1. Unbearable suffering Many severely ill ME/CFS patients are hovering at the border of unbearable suffering. We are constantly plagued by intense symptoms, we endure high-impact every-minute physical suffering 24 hours a day, year after year. I see it as a prison sentence with torture. I am homebound and mostly bedbound – there is the prison. I constantly suffer from excruciating symptoms: The worst flu you ever had. Sore throat, bronchi hurting with every breath. Complete exhaustion, almost zero energy, a body that weighs a tonne and sometimes won’t even move. Muscle weakness, dizziness, great difficulties standing up. Sensory overload causing severe suffering from the brain and nervous system. Massive pain in muscles, painful inflammations in muscle attachments. Intensely burning skin. A feeling of having been run over by a bus, twice, with every cell screaming. This has got to be called torture.

It would be easier to handle if there were breaks, breathing spaces. But with severe ME/CFS there is no minute during the day when one is comfortable. My body is a war zone with constant firing attacks. There is no rest, no respite. Every move of every day is a mountain-climb. Every night is a challenge, since there is no easy sleep to rescue me from the torture. I always just have to try to get through the night. And then get through the next day.

It would also be easier if there were distractions. Like many patients with severe ME/CFS I am unable to listen to music, radio, podcasts or audio books, or to watch TV. I can only read for short bouts of time, and use the computer for even shorter moments. I am too ill to manage more than rare visits or phone calls from my family and friends, and sadly unable to live with someone. This solitary confinement aspect of ME/CFS is devastating and it is understandable that ME/CFS has been described as the “living death disease”.

For me personally, the situation has turned into an emergency not least due to my horrific symptom of burning skin linked to immunological/allergic reactions. This appeared six years into my ME/CFS, when I was struck by what seemed like a complete collapse of the bodily systems controlling immune system, allergic pathways, temperature control, skin and peripheral nerves. I had long had trouble with urticaria, hyperreactive skin and allergies, but at this point a violent reaction occurred and my skin completely lost tolerance. I started having massively burning skin, severe urticaria and constant cold sweats and shivers (these reactions reminded me of the first stages of the anaphylactic shock I once had, then due to heat allergy).

Since then, for ten long years, my skin has been burning. It is an intense pain. I have been unable to tolerate almost all kinds of clothes and bed linen as well as heat, sun, chemicals and other everyday things. These all trigger the burning skin and the freezing/shivering reaction into a state of extreme pain and suffering. Imagine being badly sunburnt and then being forced to live under a constant scalding sun – no relief in sight.

At first I managed to find a certain textile fabric which I could tolerate, but then this went out of production, and in spite of years of negotiations with the textile industry it has, strangely, proven impossible to recreate that specific weave. This has meant that as my clothes have been wearing out, I have been approaching the point where I will no longer have clothes and bed linen that are tolerable to my skin. It has also become increasingly difficult to adapt the rest of my living environment so as to not trigger the reaction and worsen the symptoms. Now that I am running out of clothes and sheets, ahead of me has lain a situation with constant burning skin and an allergic state of shivering/cold sweats and massive suffering. This would have been absolutely unbearable.

For 16 years I have had to manage an ever-increasing load of suffering and problems. They now add up to a situation which is simply no longer sustainable.

2. No realistic way out of the suffering A very important factor is the lack of realistic hope for relief in the future. It is possible for a person to bear a lot of suffering, as long as it is time-limited. But the combination of massive suffering and a lack of rational hope for remission or recovery is devastating.

Think about the temporary agony of a violent case of gastric flu. Picture how you are feeling those horrible days when you are lying on the bathroom floor between attacks of diarrhoea and vomiting. This is something we all have to live through at times, but we know it will be over in a few days. If someone told you at that point: “you will have to live with this for the rest of your life”, I am sure you would agree that it wouldn’t feel feasible. It is unimaginable to cope with a whole life with the body in that insufferable state every day, year after year. The level of unbearableness in severe ME/CFS is the same.

If I knew there was relief on the horizon, it would be possible to endure severe ME/CFS and all the additional medical problems, even for a long time, I think. The point is that there has to be a limit, the suffering must not feel endless.

One vital aspect here is of course that patients need to feel that the ME/CFS field is being taken forward. Sadly, we haven’t been granted this feeling – see my previous blogs relating to this here and here.

Another imperative issue is the drug intolerance that I and many others with ME/CFS suffer from. I have tried every possible treatment, but most of them have just given me side-effects, many of which have been irreversible. My stomach has become increasingly dysfunctional, so for the past few years any new drugs have caused immediate diarrhoea. One supplement triggered massive inflammation in my entire urinary tract, which has since persisted. The list of such occurrences of major deterioration caused by different drugs/treatments is long, and with time my reactions have become increasingly violent. I now have to conclude that my sensitivity to medication is so severe that realistically it is very hard for me to tolerate drugs or supplements.

This has two crucial meanings for many of us severely ill ME/CFS patients: There is no way of relieving our symptoms. And even if treatments appear in the future, with our sensitivity of medication any drug will carry a great risk of irreversible side-effects producing even more suffering. This means that even in the case of a real effort finally being made to bring biomedical research into ME/CFS up to levels on par with that of other diseases, and possible treatments being made accessible, for some of us it is unlikely that we would be able to benefit. Considering our extreme sensitivity to medication, one could say it’s hard to have realistic hope of recovery or relief for us.

In the past couple of years I, being desperate, have challenged the massive side-effect risk and tried one of the treatments being researched in regards to ME/CFS. But I received it late in the disease process, and it was a gamble. I needed it to have an almost miraculous effect: a quick positive response which eliminated many symptoms – most of all I needed it to stop my skin from burning and reacting, so I could tolerate the clothes and bed linen produced today. I have been quickly running out of clothes and sheets, so I was gambling with high odds for a quick and extensive response. Sadly, I wasn’t a responder. I have also tried medication for Mast Cell Activation Disorder and a low-histamine diet, but my burning skin hasn’t abated. Since I am now running out of clothes and sheets, all that was before me was constant burning hell.

3. The lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs The third factor is the insight that the risk for further deterioration and increased suffering is high.

On top of the nearly unbearable symptoms it is very likely that in the future things will get even worse. An example in my case could be my back and neck pain. I would need to strengthen muscles to prevent them from getting worse. But the characteristic symptom of Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM) when I attempt even small activities, is hugely problematic.

Whenever we try to ignore the PEM issue and push through, we immediately crash and become much sicker. We might go from being able to at least get up and eat, to being completely bedbound, until the PEM has subsided. Sometimes, it doesn’t subside, and we find ourselves irreversibly deteriorated, at a new, even lower baseline level, with no way of improving.

PEM is not something that you can work around.

For me, new medical complications also continue to arise, and I have no way of amending them. I already need surgery for one existing problem, and it is likely that it will be needed for other issues in the future, but surgery or hospital care is not feasible for several reasons:

One is that my body seems to lack repairing mechanisms. Previous biopsies have not healed properly, so my doctor is doubtful about my ability to recover after surgery.

Another, more general and hugely critical, is that with severe ME/CFS it is impossible to tolerate normal hospital care. For ME/CFS patients the sensory overload problem and the extremely low energy levels mean that a normal hospital environment causes major deterioration. The sensory input that comes with shared rooms, people coming and going, bright lights, noise, etc, escalates our disease. We are already in such fragile states that a push in the wrong direction is catastrophic. For me, with my burning skin issue, there is also the issue of not tolerating the mattresses, pillows, textile fabrics, etc used in a hospital.

Just imagine the effects of a hospital stay for me: It would trigger my already severe ME/CFS into new depths – likely I would become completely bedbound and unable to tolerate any light or noise. The skin hyperreactivity would, within a few hours, trigger my body into an insufferable state of burning skin and agonizing immune-allergic reactions, which would then be impossible to reverse. My family, my doctor and I agree: I must never be admitted to a hospital, since there is no end to how much worse that would make me.

Many ME/CFS patients have experienced irreversible deterioration due to hospitalization. We also know that the understanding of ME/CFS is extremely low or non-existent in most hospitals, and we hear about ME/CFS patients being forced into environments or activities which make them much worse. I am aware of only two places in the world with specially adjusted hospital units for severe ME/CFS, Oslo, Norway, and Gold Coast, Australia. We would need such units in every city around the globe.

It is extreme to be this severely ill, have so many medical complications arise continually and know this: There is no feasible access to hospital care for me. There are no tolerable medications to use when things get worse or other medical problems set in. As a severely ill ME/CFS patient I have no safety net at all. There is simply no end to how bad things can get with severe ME/CFS.

Coping skills – important but not enough I realize that when people hear about my decision to terminate my life, they will wonder about my coping skills. I have written about this before and I want to mention the issue here too:

While it was extremely hard at the beginning to accept chronic illness, I have over the years developed a large degree of acceptance and pretty good coping skills. I have learnt to accept tight limits and appreciate small qualities of life. I have learnt to cope with massive amounts of pain and suffering and still find bright spots. With the level of acceptance I have come to now, I would have been content even with relatively small improvements and a very limited life. If, hypothetically, the physical suffering could be taken out of the equation, I would have been able to live contentedly even though my life continued to be restricted to my small apartment and include very little activity. Unlike most people I could find such a tiny life bearable and even happy. But I am not able to cope with these high levels of constant physical suffering.

In short, to sum up my level of acceptance as well as my limit: I can take the prison and the extreme limitations – but I can no longer take the torture. And I cannot live with clothes that constantly trigger my burning skin.

Not alone – and not a rash decision In spite of being unable to see friends or family for more than rare and brief visits, and in spite of having limited capacity for phone conversations, I still have a circle of loved ones. My friends and family all understand my current situation and they accept and support my choice. While they do not want me to leave, they also do not want me to suffer anymore.

This is not a rash decision. It has been processed for many years, in my head, in conversations with family and friends, in discussion with one of my doctors, and a few years ago in the long procedure of requesting accompanied suicide. The clinic in Switzerland requires an extensive process to ensure that the patient is chronically ill, lives with unendurable pain or suffering, and has no realistic hope of relief. They require a number of medical records as well as consultations with specialized doctors.

For me this end is obviously not what I wanted, but it was the best solution to an extremely difficult situation and preferable to even more suffering. It was not hasty choice, but one that matured over a long period of time.

A plea to decision makers – Give ME/CFS patients a future! As you understand, this blog post has taken me many months to put together. It is a long text to read too, I know. But I felt it was important to write it and have it published to explain why I personally had to take this step, and hopefully illuminate why so many ME/CFS patients consider or commit suicide.

And most importantly: to elucidate that this circumstance can be changed! But that will take devoted, resolute, real action from all of those responsible for the state of ME/CFS care, ME/CFS research and dissemination of information about the disease. Sadly, this responsibility has been mishandled for decades. To allow ME/CFS patients some hope on the horizon, key people in all countries must step up and act.

If you are a decision maker, here is what you urgently need to do: You need to bring funding for biomedical ME/CFS research up so it’s on par with comparable diseases (as an example, in the US that would mean $188 million per year). You need to make sure there are dedicated hospital care units for ME/CFS inpatients in every city around the world. You need to establish specialist biomedical care available to all ME/CFS patients; it should be as natural as RA patients having access to a rheumatologist or cancer patients to an oncologist. You need to give ME/CFS patients a future.

Please listen to these words of Jen Brea, which sum up the situation in the US, but are applicable to almost every country:

“The NIH says it won’t fund ME research because no one wants to study it. Yet they reject the applications of the world class scientists who are committed to advancing the field. Meanwhile, HHS has an advisory committee whose sole purpose seems to be making recommendations that are rarely adopted. There are no drugs in the pipeline at the FDA yet the FDA won’t approve the one drug, Ampligen, that can have Lazarus-like effects in some patients. Meanwhile, the CDC continues to educate doctors using information that we (patients) all know is inaccurate or incomplete.”

Like Jen Brea, I want a number of people from these agencies, and equivalent agencies in Sweden and all other countries, to stand up and take responsibility. To say: “ME! I am going to change things because that is my job.”

And lastly Lastly, I would like to end this by linking to this public comment from a US agency meeting (CFSAC). It seems to have been taken off the HHS site, but I found it in the Google Read version of the book “Lighting Up a Hidden World: CFS and ME” by Valerie Free. It includes testimony from two very eloquent ME patients and it says it all. I thank these ME patients for expressing so well what we are experiencing.

My previous blog posts:

From International Traveler to 43 Square Meters: An ME/CFS Story From Sweden

Coping With ME/CFS Will Always Be Hard – But There are Ways of Making It A Little Easier

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt I: The Facts – Plus “What Can We Do?

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt II: Why it Takes 20 Years to Get 1 Year’s Research Done

Take care of each other.

Love, Anne

Comments Open.

[italynt]

If you want a primer in regards to what’s going on in Italy, in terms of restarting the Serie A season, then here’s a good article to read.

Here’s an overview of everything that’s been going on from James Horncastle at The Athletic:

It’s now almost two months since Sassuolo striker Francesco Caputo celebrated his goal against Brescia by lifting up his jersey to reveal the message “Stay at Home” on a T-shirt underneath.

It feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it? So how close are we to football resuming in Serie A?

What is the situation in Italy now?

Last weekend, Italy’s Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte announced the government is ready to begin the next phase of easing the country back to normality. Aspects of lockdown will be relaxed on May 4 allowing 4.5 million people to go back to work. Citizens will have freedom of movement within their own region. Restaurants and bars will be able to deliver takeaway. Exercise in parks and even a dip in the sea is permitted as long as social-distancing guidelines are respected. But the new decree has not escaped criticism. Opposition parties think the government is still being too cautious. Some regions like the Veneto are breaking ranks and lifting measures earlier than others. Bishops are protesting the ban on public masses and football feels it is being unfairly treated.

Why does football feel victimised?

Well, individual athletes like swimmers, cyclists and sprinters can return to training next Monday. Team sports will have to wait at least until May 18 and only if the protocol passes muster with the government’s scientific committee. This has sparked controversy because footballers cannot even train on their own or at a distance from each other within the controlled environment of a deep-cleaned training facility. What they can do is go for a jog or a workout in the local park — where members of the public may be inclined to approach them in breach of social distancing rules. “So we’ll have Ciro Immobile and Edin Dzeko in Villa Borghese and Lorenzo Insigne on the Caracciolo boardwalk,” scoffed Lazio owner Claudio Lotito.

It doesn’t make any sense. Many of the clubs are exasperated. The players’ union (AIC) said in a statement it was “perplexed and surprised” by a decision it considers “illogical” and “discriminatory”. Serie A stopped earlier than the other top five leagues. It has more fixtures to fulfil and stands to lose £620 million if the season isn’t brought to a close. La Repubblica quoted Napoli’s president Aurelio De Laurentiis saying: “COVID-19 will end up making the middle and smaller clubs who live beyond their means disappear.” It’s not hard to see why the league and the Italian Football Federation (FIGC) are pushing hard to at least prepare their teams for any return. “I do not want to be Italian football’s gravedigger,” said Gabriele Gravina, the president of the FIGC.

But as with everything in Italy it is deeply political and the pushback has been considerable. Italy’s highest-profile female athlete, the swimmer Federica Pellegrini, said: “All I hear about is football and I’m disappointed by that, other sports exist too”. Similarly, the president of the Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) Giovanni Malago said: “Sport is not just and cannot only be Serie A football.”

The FIGC is an affiliate of CONI and football obtains more funding than any other sport. What Malago says matters. He believes football has muddled its response to the pandemic — “Gravina talks about July, August, September, October, even about splitting the league into two groups with play-offs and play-outs” — which further damages the game’s reputation. Ultimately, the decision lies with the government, but relations between the FIGC, Serie A and the minister of sport, Vincenzo Spadafora, have been tense.

Why are relations strained between Italy’s sporting bodies?

For a start, Spadafora hasn’t always toed the party line. In March, he sparked chaos at the Stadio Ennio Tardini, where Parma’s match at home to SPAL was due to go ahead in accordance with a government decree, which had been signed the night before. However, with players waiting in the tunnel, Spadafora announced the league needed to shut down with immediate effect. The game was delayed for an hour and 15 minutes while officials checked whether the order had been changed. It hadn’t and Parma-SPAL kicked off. “Instead of indulging in demagoguery, be consistent with the actions of your own government” came the reply from Serie A president Paolo Dal Pino.  

It wasn’t pretty then and things aren’t any rosier now. Spadafora has called out club owners for using the media to influence opinion and force his hand. “We have to start safely,” he said on Tuesday. “Do you remember when the league didn’t want to stop? How many teams ended up in quarantine?” The answer is six. To avoid that happening again, the FIGC has drawn up a 47-page protocol document, seen by The Athletic, with the aim of protecting the players, coaches, referees and other members of staff from contagion.

How will they protect the players and everyone else?

The protocol document contains lots of advice from leaders in the medical field. In addition to the FIGC’s own 12-person scientific committee, the protocol has had substantial input from a task force comprising four experts in infectious diseases and virology. The protocol recommends squads should be selected three to four days before training resumes. The players and essential coaching staff in this group will then undergo an initial screening phase. This entails a visit to a clinic, a temperature check and an up-to-date medical history. Let’s pick a player at random. Say, Brescia’s Mario Balotelli: the FIGC wants to know if he’s travelled in the last two months and where to, whether or not he’s been in contact with anyone who has tested positive for the virus, and whether he’s showing any symptoms.

Depending on certain criteria, the group will be given two RT-PCR tests within 24 hours of each other and an antibody test. The expense and availability of testing — not to mention the morality of rolling them out for one category of society — remains a bone of contention. “The request on the players’ part is for football to resume only when every citizen can have a test,” Tommasi said. “There mustn’t be any fast-track for our industry.” As you might expect with a medical, there will be a resting ECG (to measure heart health), a spirometry (to measure breathing capacity), and blood and urine tests. The protocol is especially mindful of the latest medical advice on the damage left by COVID-19 and the therapies used to treat it on a person’s lungs and the heart. Even after screening is over, the group will have daily temperature checks and be constantly assessed for symptoms.

A permanent “ritiro” — a place for players and staff to live on-site — is also recommended. A number of clubs have dorms or even hotels adjoining their training grounds. When the Melia hotel closed in Milan as part of the lockdown measures, Christian Eriksen temporarily moved into Inter’s Appiano Gentile training ground. The problem is 11 of the 20 teams don’t have lodgings, so completely isolating the group isn’t possible across the board. However, the other nine clubs are meant to allocate players single, well-ventilated rooms where they will shower after their distancing-adapted training sessions.

Everyone in the group will be given behavioural guidelines to follow, ranging from washing hands to PPE for masseurs and physios. Treatment tables will be spaced out and time slots allocated to avoid congestion. If the enforcement of social distancing means there isn’t space in a team meeting, the preference is for a video conference instead. Food in the canteen will be self-service only.

As for training itself, the first week foresees individuals or small groups working out more than two metres apart before a gradual return to normality in week two and week three, with players running through patterns of play, set-pieces and playing small-sided games.

If someone does test positive, they are to be isolated immediately. Training will be suspended until the team and coaching staff receive the all-clear from two tests taken 24 hours apart and antibody tests will be repeated within five and seven days of each other. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the government’s scientific committee raised a red flag at this part of the protocol on the basis that, up until now, one positive test has been enough to send clubs into quarantine for a fortnight. This is a dilemma faced by all leagues hoping to finish the season.

Then there’s the not insignificant matter of away games and travel: it’s one thing limiting external contact within a training facility you own, it’s another thing doing it on the road. Fourteen of Serie A’s 20 clubs are located in areas that were defined “hotbeds” in Italy’s fight against the pandemic.

The outlook’s bleak then?

Gravina said: “In order to run zero risks, we’d have to wait for a vaccine. According to the scientists, that won’t be until spring 2021. We can’t just shut everything down waiting for that to happen.” Dialogue between the FIGC and the government’s scientific committee remains open, with Gravina vowing to modify the protocol in a renewed effort to at least obtain consent for teams to return to training on May 18.

Spadafora grows more pessimistic by the day, however. He talks about the road back to football getting tighter and tighter with only a “spiraglio” — the smallest of openings — left for it to happen. Gravina’s decision to align himself with UEFA and make August 3 the cut-off point for domestic competitions to finish puts Italian football on the clock. Serie A has proposed proroguing expiring contracts until after the season concludes. If the league returns to training in less than three weeks and games start from mid-June, that sounds like a good idea. But that’s a big if.  

Spadafora has appealed to the leagues to come up with a Plan B. “I am starting to get the idea there will be a surprise over the next few days,” he told free-to-air TV channel La7. “Presidents could soon ask me to end the season now so they can prepare for the next one.” Brescia’s owner Massimo Cellino has repeatedly declared the season over. His counterparts at Torino and Sampdoria, Urbano Cairo and Massimo Ferrero, have both expressed scepticism plans to return — they fear finishing this season may compromise the next one.

What are the players doing in the meantime?

Well, Lazio’s Marco Parolo has been using his free time away from the training ground to protest that players should be allowed in the training ground. “All professional athletes should be treated the same,” he told the club’s official radio station. “I’m our athletes’ No 1 fan at the World Championships, and I’m all for them going back to training, but I think footballers should, too.”

For now though the players continue to work out at home.

“It’s difficult to expect a player to be able to maintain the necessary fitness to play in Serie A after a prolonged period of inactivity,” Sampdoria’s head of performance, Paolo Bertelli, tells The Athletic. “We’re trying to keep the fitness of our players to the highest standards as much as we possibly can.” Samp’s players have workout classes six days a week. “The sessions last between 65 and 80 minutes each depending on the player and the day of the week,” Bertelli says. “In addition to a warm-up, we do some free-weight exercises — some core, some jumps — hop on the exercise bike and work with the resistance bands. The players who have a running machine get a workout for that. It’s a bit different for the goalkeepers because we need to keep their explosiveness and strength.”

Roma’s goalkeeper Pau Lopez logs onto Roma’s bespoke platform to access all the material he needs for his day. “Every day the fitness coach sends us a customised workout plan that we have to follow to stay in shape,” the Spaniard tells The Athletic. “We weigh ourselves on a daily basis and send the info to the nutritionist. He keeps us posted, especially if there’s a problem. It’s all very well planned out.”

Manolo Zubiria, Roma’s chief global sporting officer, goes into more detail. “We set up a communication platform that allows the club’s directors and coaching staff to video conference with the players. It’s not just those in the first team either, but all levels, including our women’s team. Internal comms are fundamental. We want to give everyone as much support as possible in terms of info and assistance, whether it’s to do with fitness or nutrition. To that end, we are ensuring our players receive all the necessary material for home workouts. In terms of grocery shopping, we have also sorted a delivery service. We can’t predict what will happen in the coming weeks but our objective is for the lads to be in the best shape possible when training resumes.”

What’s the state of play in the table?

Juventus reclaimed top spot with their 2-0 win against Inter on March 8 and have a slender one-point lead over Lazio. Lotito is against the idea of play-offs to decide the top four — “Inter have eight points less than us (in third) and Atalanta have 14” — but he would be up for settling the title in a one-off game against the Old Lady, who, he points out, Lazio have already beaten on two occasions this season (in the league and the Super Cup). Atalanta occupy the last Champions League place and have a three-point advantage over Roma, plus a game in hand and a superior head-to-head record.

As for the Europa League, Milan are outside the top six but could still qualify through the Coppa Italia if they were to turn around a first-leg semi-final defeat to Juventus (without Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Theo Hernandez, who are suspended) and overcome either Inter or Napoli in the final. Down at the bottom, Brescia (10 points adrift of safety) and SPAL (seven) were already hanging by a thread, which is why, to some observers, it’d make sense for them to trade places with Crotone and Pippo Inzaghi’s Benevento, the two teams in the automatic promotion places in Serie B.

If that was the case, you’d have some sympathy for Inzaghi’s former Milan team-mate Alessandro Nesta. The former centre-back is now managing Frosinone, who were in second until the most recent round of fixtures, when Crotone took their spot.

But as one Serie A executive put it to The Athletic, if the season isn’t concluded on the pitch, there is “no right answer” to satisfy everyone’s definition of fairness.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOU GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

There are exceptions of course, but the reason startups do better when they write more code. Try this thought experiment works for nationality and religion too. We tend to say incendiary things, which draw more and angrier counterarguments. If they decide later that they want to do this startup with or without them. Now we admire the genius. The problem with working slowly is not just their patents, but they all wait as long to act on new ideas, but you'll also be in closer touch with your code. The centralizing effect of venture firms is a double-edged sword, however. Though quite successful, it did not seem to have a cup of coffee. Talking about that is like an actor at the beginning of a story, but to make a living, and it's nearly impossible to shake. An idea for a new type of number you've made up, you can trick yourself into noticing ideas is to imagine the ways in which we'll seem backward to future generations. The danger of fundraising is not the time taken up by books on it particularly individual books on it particularly individual books on it, and they react as if I'd proposed the partners all get nose rings.

To write good software you must simultaneously keep two opposing ideas in your head that you really understand the problems they're solving. We eventually had many competitors, on the other. But how common will that be? Most people could do it by generating wealth instead of stealing it. Thanks to Sam Altman, John Bautista, Trevor Blackwell, Jessica Livingston, Geoff Ralston, Yuri Sagalov, Emmett Shear, and Fred Wilson for reading drafts of this. Into this already bad situation comes the third problem: Sarbanes-Oxley is a law, passed after the Bubble burst. Off the top of the file I use as examples when I'm talking to companies we fund to work this way. Digg is Slashdot with voting instead of editors, and Reddit is Delicious/popular with voting instead of bookmarking. So if it seems too good to be true to think you know what? Everything is a negotiation.

Startups are powerless, and good startup ideas are not quite as weak as mere name-calling has just as little weight. Notes I'm not saying startups should aim to end up net ahead it's not coming out of later stage investors? The feedback you get from the first conversation to wiring the money, and once a hypothesis starts to be important ones: She was always good at sniffing out any red flags about the team or their determination and disarmingly asking the right question, which usually revealed more than the desire to be an elixir of corporate youth. How did individuals accumulate large fortunes in an era of such high taxes? I've written about this before: if a good idea to spend some of the big winners, and 2 such a language, you're constantly comparing two languages—legacy software Cobol and hype Ada, Java also play a role that is not an irrational fear that no one sees their processors anymore, by writing a stripped-down kernel how hard can it be? There is something very American about Feynman breaking into safes containing secret documents. When you're a kid and as an adult.

Companies spend millions to build their brands: Yahoo, Lycos, Excite, WebCrawler, InfoSeek, Lycos, Excite, Infoseek, Altavista, Inktomi. On my list I put words like Lisp and also my zipcode, so that in retrospect it seems obvious they were going to change something. We may be able not only to pull off this scheme, but to do it. The most noticeable change when a startup needed to talk to mediocre ones. The undergraduate curriculum or trivium whence trivial consisted of Latin grammar, rhetoric, and logic. As it increases the gap in income, as Occam's Razor implies, is the problem with Europe is not that you're 30 times as productive as another. Dealing with immigration problems is like raising money: for some reason we treat this skill differently.

The tree structure of large organizations sets an upper bound, bearing in mind that it's a good sign, because it has large libraries for manipulating strings. Barely airborne, but enough that they don't mind leaving it behind. During busy periods, office hours sometimes get long enough that they compress the day, but they can't hire highly skilled people to bust their asses. It applies way less than fifty percent. And if so they'll be different to deal with before. Unless it's your first priority should be to find a better focus group than hackers, because they were too successful raising money. The presentations on Rehearsal Day are often pretty rough. But only if he mastered a new kind of software you can use it. To make sure, they were less work to write than entertaining ones would have been too slow to release stuff, and none because they were ambivalent about being in the business call a liquidity event, and the problem you're solving and what you've built so far. The biggest factor in their opinion of your abilities, because that was the second cause of Microsoft's death was broadband Internet. I can remove with least code.

Zealots, whatever their age. Increasingly the games that matter are not zero-sum game. The other reason you need them, and find it almost impossible to make themselves work on big problems they don't really want startups to approach them as if they'd been about to be acquired for $20 million. The Fortran branch, for example, to want to use. That isn't happening this time, and take note when a third book mentions that Normans were not, like most people, or someone with connections in the movie business. In it he said he worried that he was harming his future—that several problems we take for granted are in fact not insoluble after all. Investors' main question when judging a very early startup is whether you've made a better story that a company so big can develop software at all. But I wouldn't bet against it either. This was also one reason we urge startups during YC to keep expenses low and to try to figure out how. Not just school, but it is a bad word for it. Everyone on the list had two qualities: they cared almost excessively about their work, or possibly even knowing about it.

[divagonzo]

Many times I’ve seen comments about how the Harry Potter cast avoided the “child star curse” and I want your opinion on that because I don’t think those kids were being treated well and I always find it shocking how everyone thinks their childhoods in the spotlight were something magically wonderful. Also, I hate how people talk about child-stars gone wrong because the aim is always to mock or attack the kid instead of realizing their behavior is a consequence of trauma and abuse.

Mornin’ Nonnie. Wow. That’s a bucketful of questions this morning.

Lemme get a huge cuppa so I can put some coherent thought into this set of questions.

RE: The Child Star Curse…. you’ve hit on the enormous Pandora’s Box here with this topic. No lie there.

Triggering mentions are in the tags for those who blacklist and don’t want to read on such things on a Sunday morning.

I’m putting all of this under the cut since this got really, really long really fast.

How did the kids avoid it where so many got lost and lost their way growing into adulthood? If you notice (I will speak of Eyebrows separately because her situation is pretty different by comparison)…. most of the main kids had a terrific support net of family at home - who could be wise to keep their kids grounded (as in feet on the ground and not under discipline/punishment). Sure they all had some mis-steps - but then I’ve never known a teenager who hasn’t made a mistake or 10 while transitioning to adulthood.

Dan? Dan had a serious drinking problem ‘til he decided to sober up (and I really commend him for taking that enormous step. It’s hard as hell to choose at such a young age that you have an addictive personality and that you can’t moderate the drinking and it’s smarter/safer to do without. (And it’s much easier to walk away at the younger age than in your late 20′s  30s 40s more when more damage has been done.)

Rupert? If anyone had been the most grounded, I’d say it’s him. His parents are top bants there, with his siblings and friends keeping him from being too much of a git. (And also being so b* smart in investing his funds early into a property owner to have his wealth but also paying his taxes, too.)

Emma? I think her situation was more fishbowl than the others because of the growing objectification of her and also how rude, lude, and crass men were treating her (including the paparazzi). I also think that she took advantage of such for her benefit to try and tame it down, and while it was mostly on point, there were moments where it was painfully obvious that she was there primarily for the male gaze. O_O She did take advantage of her privilege, with the additional benefits, but considering how much she’s been under the spotlight and constant attention of media and more, she’s done pretty well. (I won’t get into the issue of tax avoidance from the Panama Papers since I disagree with the mindset that the uber-wealthy should pay out 90% to benefit everyone else when they are already shouldering much of the social support net for those who need the assistance)

As for Tom and Bonnie and Evanna and the others? I think they have done pretty darn well for avoiding the child star curse.

But I also think the biggest part of it has been that they weren’t necessarily in the California/Hollywood scene, where it’s pretty much a free-for-all with access to anything and everything you’d want to delve into - along with the really ugly dark side of the business. (Yes, I’m tip-toeing around that issue since it’s pretty nasty.)

But how they were treated? I’m sure that the trappings of their situation made it more difficult, with constant media scrutiny and having so many people involved to have them appearing…. more appealing. While I’m sure for every one person there would be 100 who would give their toes and fingers to have that opportunity, it’s truly a Gilded Cage, of all of the pretty trappings and benefits - but with the enormous loss of privacy and anonymity.

Secondly, and more importantly, you also broach a huge issue, one that is constantly overlooked and also attracted the issue of victim-blaming. The ones who have gone off the rails, the kids who got lost along the way, were put under such scrutiny and given so much opportunity with little to no parental discipline to prevent problems, that, once again, media blame falls on the kids rather than the responsibility of the adults who should be there to support, encourage, and if need be, protect the kids.

I’m gonna say it right here in plain words: Being a teenager is Bloody Fucking hard. It’s triple hard if you are in such a position of making money hand over fist and people become blinded by the greed, attention, and privilege from what they have in those moments.  How many horror stories do you hear of where a young actor or actress gets into drugs/alcohol/pills and then crashes and burns spectacularly? For every one success story, there are dozens that crash and burn.

Is it a self-medicating of ones who aren’t necessarily neurotypical? Or is it the craving of the validation that comes from the attention and when not receiving it, needs the self-medication? Coping with trauma behind the scenes? Trauma before getting into acting and using the benefits to dull the pain?

I’ll bring up 3 in particular, just to make the point here.

One is Cory Haim. He was a young actor back in the 80s, in quite a few films, and was one of the teenage hearthrob pin-up boys. While he may have never been an A-lister as an adult (and reading up on his film credits, was probably B lister) he was an A-lister as a teenager. But there are plenty of speculation, especially by his friend Corey Feldman, of abuse when he was a teenager. (I won’t get into it because that’s rumor, speculation, and more) When he quit being cute his roles dried up to C-list roles, in straight to video shows, tv shows and voice-over work in video games.

From one of his interviews:

I was working on The Lost Boys (1987) when I smoked my first joint. But a year before that, I was starting to drink beer on the set of the film Lucas (1986). I lived in Los Angeles in the ‘80s, which was not the best place to be. I did cocaine for about a year and a half, then it led to crack. I started on the downers which were a hell of a lot better than the uppers because I was a nervous wreck. But one led to two, two led to four, four led to eight, until at the end it was about 85 a day - the doctors could not believe I was taking that much. And that was just the valium - I’m not talking about the other pills I went through. 

Did he get into drugs to dull the pain of trauma? Did he get into it out of boredom? We’ll never really know since he died back in 2010, penniless. His star burned out fast after he quit being cute/adorable/a money-maker. Was trauma involved? I sure think so (along with former child actor River Phoenix, who was also mentioned in the dark side of Hollywood, too.)

#2 is Justin Bieber. (Yes, I know. Bear with me.)

He got his break early on doing YT videos and got signed on - and took off like a rocket. But he (now that he’s older and hopefully a little wiser) now admits that he isn’t neurotypical and is pretty darn honest about his mental health struggles. (And yes, this also includes the few years before he was participating in bad boy behaviors, mistreating his girlfriends, etc.) Now? He found some stability in his life, able to admit he has problems and is getting help (and does have some support from his family including his new wife and her family.) (Let me also broach this here in plain language: Being Christian and having Grace doesn’t mean that you have zero problems from there on out. Far from it. It means that forgiveness is there with contrition. It means having a framework to work on being better.)

Will he still make mistakes? Oh sure. Being human means making mistakes. Wisdom is learning from them.

Lastly? Miley Cyrus. (Yes, I know. I’m mentioning those who are fun to laugh at. But these three are prime examples - but also with examples of coming through it all - or not.)

She’s been under the spotlight for decades, now. She’s in a show-business family. Godmother is Dolly “I love everyone and then some” Parton. And she’s one of the Disney Kids, including some spectacular failures on her part (and I’m lumping in her on/off again with her now-husband Liam.)

Did she lose her way for a while? I sure think so. But then the media spotlight x 100 made it harder, with every mistake under intense scrutiny. (This includes some questionable choices in a presentation of herself to the world. O_O)

Was she abused as one of the Disney Kids? Frankly? I think so. Disney isn’t all bright colors and silly shows and enormous paychecks. Rumours run amuck of behind the scenes abuse and mistreatment. Even having a famous father probably didn’t shield her completely from being mishandled by adults in her sphere of acknowledgment.

It’s the utter dark side of the business - that is an open opportunity for adults to take advantage of kids when they aren’t intensely protected and shielded from predator adults - straight and gay. There’s so many quiet mentions of adults abusing girls and boys in their charge - to disasterous results mostly.

But from 2 of the three here? They are examples of hope, where you can make mistakes, get lost along the way, feel the intense grip of imposter syndrome, of mediocre achievements and still succeed - and survive mistakes. They are a hope that whatever has happened, trauma and abuse wise, that you can survive it and, with serious professional help, get through it.

As I am prone to do, especially with those I mentor, is that I won’t tell you what to think - just that you do think. But if a mistake is made (or even a really p*ss poor choice made) I’ll help you survive it.

2 of the three had their family and support net available to help them survive the choices made, leading to wisdom on what not to do - how to cope/endure/survive what has happened.

These kids were probably victims of abuse and trauma, before and during their early acting careers. But 2 of the three are examples of not living a lifetime of being a victim - but a bad-fucking-ass survivor.

To those who have survived abuse and trauma as a child?

I’m gonna tell y’all who might be reading this, including my Kiddos:

It’s not your fault you were abused. Never. Full-stop.

It’s the responsibility of the ones who hurt you. They are to blame. And G_d as my witness I better never run into them. I have zero qualms burning a bitch for hurting a child.