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haunted-moon · 5 months

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Long Way Home [Part V]

[Azriel x Reader fanfic]

Synopsis: Y/n is the daughter of a healer in the city of Velaris. After a small incident, she moves to the House of the Wind to work for the High Lord, Rhysand. Everyone in the house seems to welcome her except Azriel, the second in command. Even though he is just blankly polite and does not acknowledge her much, she can't help but fall for him. Does Azriel return her feelings or remain unfeelingly aloof?

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Read Part 1 here.

Read Part 2 here.

Read Part 3 here.

Read Part 4 here.

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Part V

Two weeks before Star fall, we were all having dinner in one of the open terraces as it was a clear night. Nesta and Elaine weren't present, since they were at their former estate in the human world for some work.

There was the usual chatter and bickering going on, and I was laughing at something Feyre said when my eyes landed on Azriel.

I didn't understand why it was that moment. Maybe it was because I had finally accepted my feelings for him, or maybe it was destined by fate. Or maybe it was because Elaine wasn't there to draw his gaze. Nevertheless, in that moment, I knew.

"Mate." I said in a low voice.

The chatter died down, the rest of the table's eyes on us. I noticed a slow, weak pulse within me, a bond that connected me to him. I could see in his eyes that he was aware of it too.

I didn't know what to think, I never thought that this moment would come to be.

I was still trying to untangle my thoughts when he abruptly stood up. His expression had gone blank. We all watched as he recalled his shadows towards himself as he strode down to the terrace wall and jumped, flying away.

There was a long stretch of silence, broken by Amren. "What a fool."

Cassian slapped a hand to his forehead. "Az..."

Well.

I stood up on shaky legs, my face burning hot. The weak pulse of the bond went even weaker as he flew away from me. I had never thought that we would be mates, and what's more, he would reject me like this. Feyre and Rhys were looking at me with the pity I didn't want.

"Goodbye, then."

I turned on my heel and ran to my quarters. Grabbing the last of my things, I threw them in my satchel and wore it over my shoulder. When I turned to leave, Rhys was in the doorway.

"Y/n, please. Stay," he implored. "He's just a little confused, that's all."

"Oh please," I tried to walk out but he blocked the exit.

Taking a deep breath, I looked him in the eye. I had not started crying. Not yet. Not here, not now. "Rhysand, if you've ever once cared about me, please let me go."

He stood there for a moment longer, but moved eventually. I knew how to winnow myself to other places, but it required a focused and calm mind, neither of which I had at that moment. In the end, Rhysand flew me to my house in the city as per my request.

When I unlocked the door, father wasn't there. I lit a few lamps and took a seat at the kitchen table. I wrote him a letter where I explained everything that had transpired and my intention to go to the villa that very night. I put the letter in an envelope and left it on the table for him to see.

After it was done, I extinguished the lamps and sat there in the dark, the satchel on my lap. Closing my eyes, I took slow, deep breaths and brought my mind to a state where I could focus on winnowing. Soon enough, the darkness felt changed and I was in the living room of the villa.

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This property wasn't fully developed when it had been passed down to my father. He hadn't taken much notice of it either, but after we both healed from our wing scars, we lived here for many years before he started practising in Velaris.

In those years, we demolished the ramshackle wooden structure and built a two story villa suffused with maintenance magic. Following that, we developed the surrounding area with lush fruit orchards, vegetable rows and flower bushes. A convenient stream flowed all year round, fed by the glaciers of the tallest mountains. It fed our gardens and flowed into the taps through pipelines.

I sat on the sofa in the living room for a while, empty and exhausted. The sconces on the walls were lit the moment I appeared, and there was not a speck of dust or cobweb in sight. The night was cold, and the villa's temperature heated up to a comfortable warmth that settled lovingly on my shoulders.

I smiled, feeling glad to have built this villa. It took better care of me than my own mate.

Keeping the satchel on the table, I stood up and walked upstairs. In this floor, there were two bedrooms and two bathrooms, built separately for me and father when we stayed here together. Each bedroom had its own large balcony, too.

Inside my bathroom, I stripped off my clothes and turned on the tap for hot water to fill into the bath. The tub was sunken into the floor, with a window carved into the wall beside it to look into the view outside. After my bath, I crawled underneath the bed covers, where my tears finally began to flow.

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Read Part 6 here.

Tags:

@kalulakunundrum @thelov3lybookworm @hnyclover @impossibelle @sourapplex

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This fanfic can also be found in Wattpad, along with other exclusive parts like playlists and pictures. Here's the link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/358573037-long-way-home

Happy reading! <3

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yoonia · 1 year

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“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world, forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.” — Alexander Pope, ”Eloisa to Abelard"

———

“We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.”

“You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.” — Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds

⟶ Character | Hoseok x reader ⟶ Genre | Past Lovers!AU, Lawyer!Hoseok, Artist!reader, New Beginning, inspired by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds (yes, the movie) ⟶ Ratings & Warnings | +18 / M for Mature; appropriate warnings will be applied on each story whenever necessary.

— Read:

Scene One.

⟶ Title | Spotless Minds ● 36k words ⟶ Summary | He was a man who had wanted too much, and you were a woman who had lost so much. Once the wounds from the past come in the way for you to embrace your future with the man you love, the option for a new beginning comes in the form of erasing the painful pages of your past to allow yourself to heal and to begin again. Even if he was also a part of it.

———

Scene Two.

⟶ Title | Eternal Sunshine ● 39k words ⟶ Summary | You had always felt that meeting him was a chance of fate. He had always been the missing piece of the puzzle that you had been searching for, the beautiful stranger who had somehow become your home. But when your soul seems to refuse to stop searching, you begin to find scraps of the past that had somehow gone missing, erased and forgotten, hiding the pain that would have tainted the perfect life that you have built together. Suddenly, you are given a chance to open the pandora’s box, to collect the missing scraps of your past. Would you dare to open it and risk what you have with him, or would you leave it alone and move on, just the way you had decided to do it a long time ago?

———

Bonus Scene.

⟶ Title | Sunset Glow (coming soon!) ⟶ Summary | Summer getaways have always been your favourite escape. A chance for you to step away from real life and all of its troubles, away from the hectic hours that you must endure every day, and you have always enjoyed the precious time that you get to spend with your lover. But as you accidentally stumble upon a reminder of the past that you have been slowly walking away from, you finally get to see Hoseok losing his resolve for the first time. It is now your turn to become his rock, and help remind him the reason why he has always been yours.

— Alternate universe: 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞

— Trivia:

⟶ Audio commentary: Writing process talk ⟶ Spotless Minds & Eternal Sunshine - behind the story (coming soon!)

— Cross-post: AO3 | Wattpad | Inkitt — Fic talk & feedback: Spotless Minds ● Eternal Sunshine ● Sunset Glow — Mailbox

#misc: masterlist #misc: visual concept #misc: music playlist #kvanity #bts moodboard #hoseok scenario #hoseok fanfic #hoseok smut #hoseok fluff #hoseok angst #jhope scenario #jhope fanfic #jhope smut #jhope angst #jhope fluff #hoseok x reader #jhope x reader

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songfell-ut · 1 year

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General project and also life update

Hey guys, remember this pic? If not, well hello to this pic by @xxkoichiixx because it's an excellent pic.

I don't do this often, but it occurs to me that y'all have something of a stake in my general affairs, and I have an update about them under the cut.

Tl;dr is that I did not swindle you guys but

God, I hate this fecking interface. Anyway.

You all know how I raised funds a little over a year ago to go on an anniversary trip with my husband, and promised to write a certain quantity of smut? I fully intend to do so, and it will probably be soon, taking place immediately after the end of chapter 27.

The reason I feel icky about it has nothing to do with smut in itself, and only somewhat to do with it being so gosh-darn late. The thing is, when I pitched the whole thing as "husband desperately needs and deserves this trip please help make it happen," I wasn't fibbing whatsoever. He did, and we had an absolutely wonderful time, the memory of which I will genuinely cherish for the rest of my life.

Does that sound alarming? It should. We're getting a divorce.

There are several reasons, and the ones I feel comfortable sharing are that I realized I cannot help him become a better or happier person, despite 15+ years of my absolute best efforts, and I do not owe myself or our daughter any more of the heartache of living with someone so bitter that he barely tolerates his loved ones.

He's also wanted to explore his gender and sexual identities for a long while, but it's a terrible time to be LGBT+ in America and he's genuinely frightened to do so. I fully support him in whatever he needs to do to be happy, and anyone trying to taunt me for "making him gay" will receive a head pat and a kick in the dick (said dick will be provided first if necessary)...but ngl, it does kinda sting that he has to ditch us for everything to be just right.

Actually, it stings a lot. 2022 was one of the worst years of my entire life. I thank all my fandom friends for their love and support, without which I low-key don't know what the fuck I would have done. Shout-out to @dale-the-human in particular. You know what u did >_> <3

(I'm logged into this account on my laptop and my God, the computers I used at college 12 years ago had better emojis than this)

Speaking of Dale, it's been a rough time all around, but we're still slogging along on the videos. I don't remember who I told that it'd be about a month, but that is probably not correct, for which I apologize.

Songfell itself is coming along too, but as you can imagine, in addition to the stress of existing in general, I have had tremendous difficulty writing about a broken family trying to heal. It's even worse for Beauty & the Bones, as "husband who does not give a shit about his wife's feelings/expresses it badly enough to really hurt her" could not be a sorer subject for me and all I want is to make that Sans suffer. Aggre: Seeing Red should hopefully get updated by the end of the month, but we know me, so we'll just have to wait and see.

In conclusion, I hate to provide that cap-off to the smutraiser, but the money generated was not wasted, and the trip was crucial in helping me see that while the man I married is in there somewhere, all it takes is a molecule of reality to crush him, and he will no longer accept my love or friendship to help him through it. (And a giant part of the heartache is that we emotionally split in September, but he's still living here because he can't afford to move out. Cute, eh?)

You guys have been unrelentingly patient with me, and it means more to me than I can express without dissolving into weepy gifs. I will try to get better about responding to reviews and posting literally anything on Patreon shiiiit I knew I was forgetting something argh and life in general. Peace out for now <3

#songfell #life update desu #and it was shark week the whole time the end

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blueberrypancakesworld · 1 year

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The arrival - Chapter 1

warning : comfort , tiny angst , little emotional , fluff , making friends

next chapter , masterlist

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The Earth, a planet which in the drawings, the old books, the old documents was once a beautiful blue planet. For millions of years it was, until the people exaggerated it. Now it was nothing but a dying planet that could not heal itself. Not if humans continued to live on it.

It was a sadness to see all this, a sadness she only saw in part. ,,Miss, is this going to be on the test?" she heard the question of one of her students as she moved away from the blackboard. ,,Yes, it will be, I want you all to look at the plants on page one hundred and two by the day after tomorrow. The phenotypic and genotypic structure will be covered," she explained, smiling as she heard the sighs and laughter of some.

She let her gaze wander, saw the colors passing through her vision, the light from above coming from the lamps, the little light from outside.

She had her own vision. ,,So please-," she began, but stopped when the door to her room opened. Who is that? she asked herself, not recognizing the footsteps.

They were not the happy ones of the teenagers, or the bouncing ones of the children. But neither were they the determined ones of the other teachers. They were heavier, more disciplined. ,,How can I help the military?" she asked, looking at them questioningly.

Her reluctance was subliminal in her question. She did not see it and yet her students seemed to giggle. ,,Please, students, go take a break," she said and waited until all the students had withdrawn. ,,Sorry to disturb you, Miss Wilder, could we have a few minutes?" asked a man walking towards her. Leaning against her table, she sighed.

,,Why? If you've already sought me out, you should know my dislike for you," she said snappishly, folding her arms in front of her chest. ,,We are not here because of our dislikes. We are here to make you an offer," he said, and she heard his dislike as well.

Shaking her head slightly, she reached for her bag before taking her folded cane and walking past the two. ,,No interest and stay away from me," she warned and had already put her hand on the handle when his voice went through the quiet classroom, ,,Not even if we give you a trip to Pandora and funded research as well as the opportunity to see again". She stopped.

Her hand hung over the corner of the clinic, slowly realizing what he meant. Despite all the technology on Earth, nothing was free. And getting her vision back was something she could not afford. One thing she had to accept. The possibilities that opened up.

The possible journey to the planet she had been admiring, learning about, writing her thesis about since she was a student. The planet she emptied at school in the hope that the younger ones would try to save what could be saved. The plants and animals, the miracles she heard. A paid research, with like-minded people.

The possibility of seeing again, the possibility of seeing Pandora and not the broken earth. ,,What do you want from me?" she asked and turned to the two. She didn't know if they were smiling or not.

It was all the same and yet she hated herself for her weakness. ,,They are involved in our research. You have all the resources you need on Pandora, in return you just give us some data about nature" he said almost too easily.

A simple offer, but an offer that hurt. Am I cheating myself? she asked herself, not knowing if she was. ,,You would join Doctor Augustine's research, a project with the inhabitants of the planet," he added, and even if she didn't see him, she knew he could already guess her decision. ,,Doctor Augustine...how long has she been there?" she asked another question, hoping to avert her decision.

Not to give people the satisfaction of needing her. ,,It's been a while, but it's clear that we don't want to do without you. Your studies of plants are important, despite the fact that you have never been to Pandora, and your results are a source of research, teaching and study," he said.

She shook her head again, knowing that if she did, her life would probably change. But did she want to? Of course, and yet she left her students alone. They will understand, she thought to herself, thinking about her lessons, the happy stories, the films and the lectures.

They would manage without her. ,,You don't have to read my life to me...when do we start?" she said, avoiding their gaze. Even if she did not see them, she knew that they were smiling.

Maybe she was cheating herself by working for the men she hated, the men who mined and threatened Pandora. And yet the prospect of finally going to Pandora, feeling nature, studying it, watching it.

To get her sight back. A chance to see Pandora. ,,Tomorrow morning I'll be glad to have her with me," she heard him say before he held out his hand to her. ,,I'll be at the dock," she said dismissively before walking out, leaving them both behind. Her heart was beating too fast for her own good.

The excitement flowing through her was indescribable. I'm going to see Pandora, it went through her mind and she couldn't help but smile happily.

Walking down the hallway, she was about to disappear into the teachers' lounge when she heard the quick footsteps of her students. ,,What did they want from you?" asked James, a young boy standing excitedly with the others in front of them.

Her smile faded a little. ,,I'm going to Pandora," she said and was about to start explaining when she was almost knocked over by her students. The children hugged her warmly and she could hear the sounds of joy.

She was moved by the children's congratulations and cheers. ,,You are happy for me?" she asked, slightly surprised, and stood upright without being knocked down again. ,,Of course, you have told us so many times about Pandora", ,,You must send us photos and videos",,Yes, by all means, we want to see something too" came the explanations and she couldn't help but get a few tears of joy. ,,I will definitely do it, I promise" she said and promised to send a photo to each of them.

It touched her immensely that her students were so supportive. I have achieved something she thought hopefully and was grateful for the support of her students. But not only her students, but also the other teachers and her mother were happy for her.

Her mother even baked her a cake and they both celebrated a little together. But the later it got the more nervous she became and the doubts came. ,,What if I'm useless?" she revealed one of her worries to her mother as they sat at the table and ate dinner together.

Her mother's loving gaze did not reach her, but she felt her mother's hand on her. ,,My darling, you are not useless. You are an expert, my wonderful expert. You are the best researcher I know and that Doctor Augustine is lucky to have you," her mother cheered her up before she stood up and pulled her into a hug.

,,Remember, sweetheart, you don't have a weakness, you have a gift," she heard her mother say lovingly and felt the kiss on her head. ,,Thanks mom" she said and gave her a hug before they cleaned up and washed up together. ,,A gift," she thought, smiling slightly sadly. Blind.

She had been blind since her teenage years. She knew colors, how her environment looked, how most things looked. She saw things on her own things. The colors she saw replaced her vision and the images in her head were her own imagination. But Pandora.

Would be a completely different world in the true sense of the word. ,,I'm going to bed, have a good night" she heard her mother say through the small apartment. ,,All right, good night mom," she replied and waited until she heard the door close.

A sigh came over her lips as she moved towards the small shelf. ,,Hey Dad" she said and stroked the photo that was there. ,,I won't be around for a while...I'm on Pandora you know. They need me for their research. I don't know if I'll be back to be honest. Take care of mom until I get back" she told him everything and for a moment she hoped he heard her.

He just had to hear her. She stroked the picture one last time before disappearing into her own room. Undressing and slipping into her pajamas she lay down. The blanket was warm and seemed to wrap around her like a protective embrace. ,,It will be all right," she murmured before lying down on her side and closing her eyes.

But her night was not dark, it was full of dreams, dreams with colors, strange beings, stories. It was the time when she saw again, felt the world, it was her favorite time.

As if she could switch off from everything and finally see the real wonders again. The colors in her dreams changed to colorful plants, shining trees, many different animals like she had never seen before.

The forest around her seemed endless and yet was not threatening. The forest seemed to welcome her, to watch her. ,,Come to me, my child," she heard a voice she had never heard before. Her footsteps were cautious as she walked forward, the colors seemed to never stop, always reshaping themselves. It was unbelievable.

Suddenly, something like a giant tree appeared in front of her, but it seemed to be in motion. Its branches moved up and down as if it were really alive. She wanted to move forward, it seemed as if the voice would come from there.

Before she heard a screech in the sky. Looking up in confusion, she saw that the colors were broken by bright light and an eagle was circling in the sky. But before she could observe it further, the animal swooped down straight toward her. And with the stretching of his claws he collided with her.

Opening her eyes, she found herself back in reality. Her heart beat fast, her vision calmed down and was replaced by darker colors. Not as beautifully luminous as those in her dream. ,,What was that?" she murmured questioningly and ran her hand over her face.

But her eyes were still there. The eagle had not scratched them out. How could he? It wouldn't change her vision.

Sighing, she took the blanket off herself, got up and went into the bathroom to get ready. The cold water of the shower was pleasant on her warm heated skin. It not only cooled but also seemed to take away the pain. Since her blindness, her eyes sometimes hurt, but only after dreaming.

It seemed as if her dream vision was straining her nerves too much and resisting it. It will be alright she thought as she tied the towel around herself and went back to her room to pack her things. ,,Y/n honey coffee?" she heard her mother ask at the entrance of her door before the click of the light switch sounded. ,,Coffee, and you know I don't need it," she replied, shaking her head at the lack of light from the lamp. She knew her room inside out.

Only the light made the colors seem a bit brighter which hardly changed anything. ,,I know but you like the bright things" her mother said lovingly before she started to make the coffee. Continuing to pack her things, she came out of the room dressed in her clothes a short time later.

The smell of the fresh coffee rose in her nose and she went into the kitchen. ,,Thank you" she said before taking the cup from her mother and leaning against the kitchen table. ,,How are you?" the older woman asked and took a sip of her drink as well. ,,Excited, I mean, this is the planet I always wanted to go to. It's what I studied for, but it's also scary...Pandora is dangerous," she admitted, feeling her mother's hand on her shoulder.

,,Earth is also dangerous and you have adapted. The school, the streets, our apartment. You know your way around better than anyone else. Your colors show you the way," she said, knowing how her daughter was adapting.

She learned her surroundings and remembered people. ,,I will always be with you...your father too" she reminded and the younger one heard the jingling of something metal. ,,Here, this belonged to your father," said the older one, putting the dog tag chain in her daughter's hand. ,,I can't accept this," she protested, wanting to give it back, but her mother shook her head. Instead, she put a hand on her daughter's cheek.

Tears had gathered in her mother's eyes even if she did not see them. ,, I and your father are so proud of you. Keep this close to you so we can be with you," she heard her mother's brittle voice before they hugged. ,,I promise I will," she heard back, just as touched, and she already missed the security she felt. After they both talked a little more they decided it was time. She could not be too late.

The cab they had ordered drove them to the drop-off point. It was an environment in which she was only rarely. Too many people, too loud and too confusing.

Because of the many boxes, containers and machines that were moving, she could not get a clear picture. ,,I love you and I'll take care of you," her mother said as they stood in front of the cab. The bag with her things hung over her shoulder.

The chain around her neck jingled lightly as she wrapped her mother in a final hug. ,,I will, as soon as I get there, I'll send you photos and videos, I promise," she replied, wrapping her mother in a final hug. She detached herself and unfolded her blind cane before heading for the transport vehicle.

She tried to get a picture of it, to figure it out. She dodged a machine coming toward her. She went around a crate and kept going, but at the latest when she heard a ,,Watch out!" she knew that she had almost run into something. ,,Sorry" she apologized and waited for an answer, but it didn't come.

Astonished, she turned around to find the noise. Rollers? she asked herself and tried to listen more carefully. ,,Hey, do you need help?" asked a friendly male voice. She was not quite clear as if he was below her. She looked down and carefully moved her cane forward. A wheelchair she recognized and decided to go the friendly way.

She held out her hand to him, which was accepted after a short hesitation. ,,Hi, I'm Y/n Wilder Biologist, I'm supposed to be on this transporter, you too?" she asked, smiling slightly at him.

He seemed slightly surprised by her question and cleared his throat. ,,Ehm I am Jake Sully was taken here because of my brother as a soldier as I see we are already two side groups" he tried to ease the mood a little. ,,Side groups?" she echoed and started to move again but heard him next to her.

,,Well, me in a wheelchair, you blind, that's a good team for application photos and the press," he joked, and she understood what he meant. ,,Then we are probably the cool special cases" she joked and they both smiled a little.

Together they got in and even though she didn't want to, she stuck with Jake. Better to have some eyes she thought to herself before they both stopped and waited for someone.

Since they both didn't know where exactly they were going. ,,Ah Miss Wilder how nice to see you here I see you already made friends.Sully your brother is waiting for you back there. For you, Miss, just go down the hall, I'll walk with you a bit" she heard the same voice of the man as yesterday.

His footsteps hadn't changed either, at least she could still make that out among all the noise. ,,Well then, Jake, I hope to see you again," she said and shook his hand in conclusion. ,,We have to fulfill the quotas," he called after her and she smiled. ,,What kind of quotas?" the soldier asked, but she waved him off. ,,You wouldn't understand a joke, so where is my capsule?" she asked and walked next to the man.

She knew that she could only reach Pandora in cyrosleep, but still. ,,Maybe I'm dreaming again" she thought when she arrived at the capsule. ,,Here's your stuff, you can give it to me, I'll stow it," he said and she suspected a slight smile on his face. ,,Thank you," she said curtly before putting her hand on the capsule.

It was cool, no wonder the metal and the special compunents were made for sleeping in space. ,,Miss would you please get ready" she heard a strange voice.

But a certain smell of disinfectant was in the air. A doctor or a nurse, she thought. ,,Sure," she said curtly and began with the preparations. Minutes later she was ready in the capsule, waiting to fall asleep and wake up on Pandora. She took a deep breath and surprisingly the capsule was comfortable.

It was quiet and the sounds of the crew's machines were barely audible. ,,Two more minutes," she heard the doctor say and tried to relax further. Her hand closed around the chain.

The metal was cool and yet reassuring. For a moment, she imagined her father. How he hugged her and saw her off with her mother. A beautiful thought.

Until it suddenly became cold. Colder than anything she had ever felt. I'm freezing alive, she thought, and even though the feeling was strange, she wasn't afraid. She would never see the end, only the surge of colors would show her the end. Taking a last breath she felt herself getting more and more tired.

Before she fell asleep surrounded not by darkness but by the same bright colors that greeted her. How long had she been lying there? How long had she been sleeping? Decades, days, minutes she did not know. But it didn't matter because she had her colors.

The colors of her dreams, the same forest. The same landscape was beautiful. She wandered through the forest, looked at the plants, saw the animals that passed her by.

Saw the bright blue sky, the clouds. ,,Pandora" came softly over her lips and she ran over a bright plant before it suddenly retracted and hid its blossom. She smiled and began to touch the other flowers and they all retracted.

She had touched the last one when a breeze passed through the forest. Blossoms and leaves were stirred up and danced around her. ,,My child, come here," she heard that voice again and looked around.

The giant tree had reappeared and was moving its branches. She walked towards it and tried to reach it. But no matter how fast she ran, the tree kept disappearing. It remained unreachable.

She suddenly heard another screech. Her gaze went to the sky where she saw the eagle again. Knowing what would happen, she hid under the large leaves of a plant.

But the eagle did not come, she heard neither the screeching nor the fluttering of its wings. She winced as she suddenly heard a crackling sound coming from behind her in the forest. Not daring to turn around, she tried to remain calm.

If she didn't move, whatever it was might stay away. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, whirling around to ward off something if possible, but she only met darkness.

Darkness that tore the ground from under her feet and made her fall. Before she suddenly opened her eyes and woke up. ,,Good morning sunshine" she heard the doctor's muffled voice before she ran her hands over her face.

Slowly the sharpness returned to her vision and the colors became clearer. I'm floating, she suddenly realized, lightly waving her arms. ,,Yup you are, well we all are to be exact" he said and she felt him pull her out of the capsule. She again rowed around a bit and felt helpless. Moving around in the spaceship with gravity was one thing.

However, without proper support it was quite another. ,,Don't worry, it won't take long to get your things and your cane, just try to navigate a little" he said carefully before she got the things in her hand. ,,All right, I can do that" she tried to encourage herself and pulled the bag over her shoulders before unfolding her staff and trying to float along something.

Despite her uncertainty, the feeling of weightlessness was a fun thing. She didn't know exactly where she was floating.

A few people avoided her, but once she caught someone with her staff. ,,So we meet again," she suddenly heard Sully's voice, who seemed to be floating around. ,,How nice that you made it. Do you know how long this will take?" she asked and continued to hold on to the metal.

,,I don't know, but I think we're about to be passed on," he said and she thought she could hear a certain sadness in his voice. ,,Is there a window around here if so could you describe Pandora to me?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

Jake seemed to look around for a moment. ,,Yeah, wait, come with me," he said, taking her by the arm and they both floated through the ship. ,,Here" he said and put his and her hand on the cold window. ,,It looks like the Earth, only less broken, more like the Earth in its prime," he described and she nodded. ,,A beautiful image," she murmured, but got no response from Jake.

The two stayed together, talking for a while. She learned about his brother's death, offered to come and they talked about their relationship.

Jake had truly become a good friend despite the fact that she had known him for so little time. She already called him that and the soldier seemed happy to have someone.

Before the two of them went to the shuttles where they sat down next to each other. Her ears were ringing from the engines, the talk of the soldiers and the commanding troop leader who was giving her an earache.

It took a few minutes for the shuttle to break through the atmosphere and begin its approach to Pandora. There were no windows in the room where they saw, which is why their colors were faded and dark. Having the mask on her face was strange.

A new feeling not necessarily oppressive but rather unfamiliar and yet she would also get used to it. ,,All right ladies I want you all to go out now and remember without the mask the planet will kill you if I don't" he shouted and the soldiers stood up.

She too unfolded her staff and waited for Jake to get into his chair. ,,Well, let's go," he said, and she nodded in agreement before they both walked down the ramp and set foot on Pandora's stone floor for the first time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist : @mooniequeen , @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed

#avatar pandora #avatar james cameron #avatar 2009 #jake sully #pandora #avatar rda

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edgelordfinalboss · 1 year

Text

Part One: Outlaws of Santa Carla (The Lost Boys Fanfiction/ Western American AU Fanfiction)🤠🦇✨🖤

Paul was never going to be an outlaw.

It was never in his plans, being that he was the son of Santa Carla's most renowned pianist, pioneering the occupation for the last few years. From salon to open venues, he was at his father's side, learning all that there was to know. His fingers memorized each key like the back of his hand. That was until his father was turned. Since that night, he vowed that he would never allow another person he loved to fall into the same fate.

Paul's bubbling ambition to outstand his father's Mozart worthy talent had turned into dust. The roadmap that was so clear, his plans of getting better, to deviate from the same tunes and cut and copy songs that riled up crowds was no longer.

The wind had willed him here and who was he to fight against it?

Paul shoves his fingers deeper into the warm sand. No one.

"Marko!"

The slanting sunlight spread across the ground, giving a strong reflective gleam to pooling blood that lays under a vampire hunter. The face of the corpse makes him sick, claws drawn deep into his face, highlighting a broken jaw. He had seen the worst, but at the very end of their journey, this seemed to be the one that struck him the hardest. With the sun obstructing his view, his eyes find his closest friend.

Marko grips his stomach where the bullet had slammed into him, leaving a trail of blood splattered in the sand. His fangs glow in the light as he gasps for air.

"Marko, what happened!" Paul breaks from the treeline boarding the empty space besides Marko, the hunter and a single horse chewing at a patch of grass.

Slowly, Marco stops, lifting his bloody clawed hands away from his crimson stained tunic, revealing a completely healed spot. Paul tucks his golden locks behind his ear as he nears, trying to push off the panic attempting to burst at the seams. Marco reaches to the hunters belt, plucking away an obsidian encrusted dagger.

"We did it. Now you don't have to put us in danger anymore. Now we can be free." Paul's thoughts race around his head, filling him with a joy that weeks and weeks of journey and sleeping with one eye open couldn't bring him.

"Thank God!" He huffs, his boots slamming into the hot sand of the endless golden stretch.

Marko doesn't move. His blue eyes remain empty, leaving no remains of the gold that once filled them. They stay fixed on the horizon, the sun slowly dropping in the sky, painting the evening with hues of cobalt and violet.

Paul draws back from his childhood friend who he had tried so hard to accept despite the revelation of him being a vampire. It had been hard and deep in the facade of love and kindness that he had shown for his friend was the will to walk away. To accept defeat.

"What's wrong?" Paul's voice grows silent as his eyes draw to the dagger of Billy the Kid. This was the famed dagger that the outlaw carried, changing his victims into creatures of blood or himself before using it to change back to a man.

Marko shakes his head, flipping the black blade between his blood stained fingers. "You will accept me when I kill a part of myself."

"What?" Paul carefully curls his fingers around the boy's shoulder. His fingers work their way into his shoulders. "You know that isn't true."

Marko wipes the blood from his cheeks, eyes lighting up with a soft gold gleam again.

"Then why did you lead me to Billy's grave?" Marko looks at the broken gravestone and the hole that had once been there, half covering the skeleton.

"To help you, to set you free from this hunger." A burning feeling of annoyance grips Paul, all his hard work and dedication thrown to the wind. Time and a messed up reputation that only very good lies will have the power to clean.

"Free me?" Marko echos. "We killed men for this. You didn't free anyone Paul. If anything, you drove us into a well we can't crawl out of."

"Not true!" Paul snaps. "Those men stood in our way."

Paul knew he was right. There was no mistaking that. He did what he could, even if his morality was wrong.

"If I become human and we go back to that town, they'll execute us."

Paul blows a breath. "We'll become outlaws, just like Billy did until they forget about us."

"Or get shot and become the price for someone's prize money." Marko holds on to the knife tight. "I won't let you change me."

Paul didn't even have a chance to blink. Marko jumps in his path, kicking up sand clouds, The obsidian blade flashes as it slices through the sunlight. Paul steps back, stunned as his friend, his closest friend threatens him.

"You're just like them!" Marko yells.

Paul's mind floats back to their memories, their friendship. All that they have been through. This couldn't be the end. He could not let himself fall into the same raging hunger.

"This isn't-."

"-this isn't me?" Marko laughs. "That's right, while you were searching for fame, I was fighting for my life on the prairie and now the only way that you'll care about me is if I rid myself of the person who overcame that lonely struggle."

#the lost boys #the lost boys dwayne #the lost boys paul #lost boys paul #the lost boys marko #the lost boys david #thelostboys

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smokee78 · 10 months

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Wait so u managed to fully fuse like almost 100 parts within 1 year ??? or is there more to it ??

I think the total time was about one year and a half yes! now I am polyfragmented, so a lot of those parts were fragments, probably the majority of them. little to no substance, hold very few memories/emotions

once the trauma that caused them to split inwas processed, many simply dissipated.

before we started EMDR, we'd already set our sights on the goal of final fusion collectively, so working as one whole, that was always our background thought- i think it's likely if we didn't want final fusion or hadn't agreed on it, many of these fragments may have simply lowered amnesia barriers and been in less distress, and worked together as part of the system. But, since we wanted to fuse, fuse we did.

we did not target every single complex trauma individually however. we started at the earliest trauma memory we had- a bullying incident at age four that had stuck with us clearly. processing this memory and the negative cognitions we had surrounding it (ex. if I wasn't broken, I wouldn't have been bullied, or if I had been smarter/cooler/prettier, they would've liked me more) made us able to also process later memories and traumatic moments with similar themes- if it wasn't my fault for getting bullied at age four, and I logically and emotionally believed it, then why would bullying incidents that happened at age 6 be any different? so the fragments and parts that held these traumas could all lay to rest after that one processing (I'm simplifying here, but this is essentially the process).

the more targets we did process, the more alters and parts and fragments no longer felt the need to separate. like I mentioned, some fused but stayed distinct as parts, as in we could tell exactly who and who fused to make who, and some parts just largely dissipated into the system as a whole.

we didn't have any specific trauma therapy before this, but I spent my teenage years in and out of various therapies and programs like mindfulness programs ( though I hated that one- it made the dissociation worse), and in my early 20s shortly before and during the start of the pandemic, I had some counselling with a trauma and ocd specialist. this was very brief, around 3-5 months before I ran out of money. he was the one who suggested I had an UDD, and later on my own I discovered (self diagnosed) that this made the most sense to be OSDD1 (later on realized it was definitely rather DID and I'd miscategorized some things)

my mental health before attempting EMDR was just grasping onto anything that could keep me stable enough from splitting- I was splitting and discovering many alters and parts multiple times a week, some sticking around and some not, leading to mass confusion. I was ready to get help, figure myself out, and most importantly heal and stop letting all these things I was holding onto control me. we wanted peace

im a firm believer of needing two things to heal- first the tools, whether that be a professional, a workbook, or a strategy you figured out yourself,

but secondly the mindset to be ready to heal. that is an immense step to recovery, and not an easy one. it means accepting you cannot continue the way you are. it means not accepting your autopilot, default responses anymore. it means *hard work*. but it's so so so worth it to get yourself ready for that step.

#diary #did #osdd #actually did #final fusion #plural #pluralgang #system things #actually plural #actually osdd

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misscammiedawn · 1 year

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What is your favorite angry song? Gets your heart pumping angry, dancing around angry and maybe screaming angry.

Thank you for asking, Linny. To my Tumblr audience, I have been quiet about it on this side but I am healing from major surgery and am bed-ridden for the next 3-5 weeks. Linny is sending me a number of asks to help me pass the time.

This question deserves a full answer:

When I was a teenager I used to be big into Papa Roach and Linkin Park. My Rush obsession existed, of course, that is a constant with me... but Rush don't do angry songs. Given I was Going Through Some Shit back then, listening to Hybrid Theory a lot was good for my deeply angry part. The dominant portion of my soul back then that needed to survive being kicked out (twice) and navigate having to work 12+ hour shifts at my temp job to keep myself from sinking further into the rocks of rock bottom.

There was always something so soothing about just getting that catharsis of screaming out via miming along as my disc span inside the work computer. 12 pound disc, 6 pound headphones. A worthy purchase at a time when shutting off my brain and just doing my job was needed.

I think Papa Roach's Infest album got the most play and Broken Home was my favorite at that rage fueled part of my life.

I mellowed out a lot in the past 20 years and these days most of my "angry" music is just BPD music so when I am hurting and upset I tend towards Left At London. Nat's music is trans-BPD sicko mode music and her anthem is Pills & Good Advice, a song about being discharged from a mental facility and the odyssey of trying to get by, being understood and the vague acceptance that none of this is going to go away and no one can save you from it from the outside.

Kudzu is also one I like to project on. The song is more from the perspective of addiction with the kudzu/addictive substance "taking over your garden" but every time I listen and hear "can I stay one more night until I go home" I think literal terms and remember the multiple people who have hosted me in the past and how I used their charity until it all went away. How many people had I selfishly used up all I could use from them until they ran out of love and patience for me?

I listen to that song and get angry at me.

Which isn't what I typically want.

With Pills & Good Advice it is more cathartic. Particularly the climax of the song:

Start to climb, and then I get a little higher (Higher)

I'm a coward, it don't matter what I do (Higher)

From "I can't do it anymore" to "I can't do it, I can't do it"

Told myself I wanna die

So how am I supposed to prove it now?

Spend too many of my minutes getting higher (Higher)

I've attempted way too much to even count (Higher)

I've been committed, but committed to the people that I love

And if I try to love myself, I guess that I could live forever crying

Also the Blacknwhite single is really good for conveying what Splitting feels like within BPD.

(I can find another)

But I'll never find another you again

I've been splitting 'cause it's better than admitting

That it's something that I can't control

I was livid, what you did was nothing easily forgiven

Yet I couldn't let go

And I bet all your friends say, "I'm glad that she's gone"

Then you have Screen Violence by CHVRCHES which is an album that just resonates with me and how I felt between 2019 and 2021 when I burned my life to the ground a 3rd time. I am not proud of my actions... but god it feels good when you can listen to a song and feel like you may not have done the "right" things, but you did something that someone, somewhere can understand well enough to put in to poetry.

Anger being my core emotion is not something I am proud of either. But it's better spent on music than on people.

#camden asks #recovery asks #linny bee good

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ritapstory · 2 years

Text

Changes

What happens when my internal bars show,

And you see the truth.

Deep inside I’m not that chill kick it flow,

I’m actually pretty blue.

Staying strong is who you saw,

Someone adapting to changes.

Now that I let you in, you see my flaws,

And how true my moods are in for ranges.

I let you in because of trust,

Now your unhappy with the woman you saw.

A sneak woman of lust,

And blood shattering cries for help are raw.

Never looking back is how I stood tall,

And now well…… I’m back.

“Never look back for the fall.”

And now the stress and anxiety have over-stacked.

A young spirit that was once young, wild and free,

Is back to the hell she came from.

If only I was even stronger, you would see,

That my past is infectious like cancer attacking a lung.

I know the person I am close to home,

That’s why I visit 3 times a year.

I found myself better off alone,

Now losing you is my only fear.

Adaptation to yet again, more changes,

And now I’ve fallen in love.

I never counted on love for ages,

Even said fuck the man above.

For my tormented soul,

Of being half shown of what is love.

My family is fowl,

And why am I even here in the now?

Running from my past,

All the way from my mom to my military father,

Moving forward so fast,

Never looking back, “Why should I bother?”

Then I met a beautiful soul,

Followed by some pierce gazing eyes.

My heart took a toll,

I knew I was in for a surprise.

You know how sometimes you can see things,

And your life flashes before your eyes.

Following what life brings,

Next thing you know it times flies.

I didn’t plan to fall in love,

Actually I never planned to come home.

Even if that meant staying higher than above,

I was willing to die alone.

Even if that meant peace and quiet,

No screaming or manipulation of my feelings.

Two families that riot,

Can take a toll on someone’s healing.

Torn this way, torn to blood,

Bitch! My father is blood.

Each family name thrown in mud,

Causes my tears to flood.

I’ve always tried to balance my family,

Because I am loyal.

We’ll see soon if they alienate me,

Because now I have a queen that’s royal.

If I could compare her to my past life,

She’s like what Blue Dream was to me.

Now she is my high,

And I don’t need drugs to see.

Psyeah, it’s a painful process,

Of accepting what the fuck I been through.

And that is going to be a vertical cross list,

Of losing people in my past that were in my crew.

It hurts being trampled on,

And just accepting this monotonous behavior.

Next thing you know it no one notices and I’m gone,

I swear moving to Richmond was my savior.

Adaptation of the past with the now,

Rather than changes I swear this should be Rita P’s story 2.

But I’ma leave it how it sounds,

And every title is unique after a dramatic pouring.

Life is again changing,

And I’m learning to be a wife.

I’m still trying to figure out who I should be thanking,

This is just another part of my life.

-Rita P

Changes (Chapter 2)

Royal? Me? That’s hardly true

I’m weak, I’m broken, and inside I’m blue

I’m no Queen, just a jester with a past

Finding joy in others smiles is the only way I last

My family is horrid, and my adoptive family is worse

From what I saw bringing you home was a gift, not a curse

But now I see reality, the bitter truth of it all.

For all the pains in your life, you had no one to call

So you ran away and hid, believe me I get it

But you can’t keep letting people dim the light of your spirit

It’s true, you let me in. And now I’m lost

I guess I thought I was doing what was right. But at what cost?

Now the woman I fell for is a stranger to me.

Weak, child like, and no longer free.

I got you into this. I have no doubts, it’s my fault

You had ran away and made progress, now it’s at a halt

See family is a tricky subject. Delicate at best.

It’s a blessing, it’s a burden, it’s a weight on your chest.

Sometimes things are good. By god they’re great.

But when they’re bad, hold onto your seat, because there is no escape

You never think your spouses family will rise up against you

One day I’m there, the next I’m not. Our world will be an abyss soon

I never want them to alienate you because of me.

I’m fucked up, an ass of sorts, and never filled with glee

See I just met you. They’ve known you for a while

And making someone choose has never been my style

So when the time comes they tell you it’s either them or me

I honestly hope that you choose your family

This was never supposed to happen. The marriage of you and I

But I guess you never see it coming because love knows no time

It’s ok for you to let me go, I promise I’ll understand

And if that’s the choice you make, I only ask on demand

Don’t do it because you feel you owe them

If you’re gonna do it, do it to show them,

I know family is important to you. I see it in your eyes.

Show them that family is love and no one gets left behind.

Signing the paper won’t be easy but I’ll find a way to smile

Knowing you chose what’s best for you will heal me after a while

Because that’s what love is. Sacrifice and truth

But always know that to me you have nothing to prove.

I love you for who you were and everything you are

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t always see your scars

I don’t hate you, despise you, or dislike you in any way

You are my heart, my soul, and you are loved everyday

Your family is a hard pill to swallow. I know why you left

I’m honestly proud after all they’ve taken, you have so much you’ve kept

So don’t worry about how I feel, you do what makes you strong

Even if that’s leaving me and your family behind and carry on

I’ll love you for as long as life but I won’t make you choose

That’s a power for your heart no one should abuse

Don’t beat yourself up babe, you live and you learn.

Sometimes life flourishes, sometimes it burns

Some chapters have to close, for new ones to begin.

Every now and again you lose but sometimes you win.

What you have to hold on to

Is the power that’s within you

I’ve already made my choice, to fight as long as you do

You’re not alone in this big cruel world, I’m right here with you.

Both from broken backgrounds, abuse, manipulation, hate

But our happiness doesn’t belong to our family. It’s our to dictate.

Sometimes it’s about remembering, we’re right on the cusp

It’s not the story of Rita P or Lexxi D. But the story of us

But if our story has to end for you to find peace

Then I will bow out gracefully and with east

But I will always love you

-Alexandra Chantal Palomata

#poetry #ritapstory #ritap #pain #love

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mkupdatez · 1 year

Text

june 15th

- [ ] it’s officially been 6 days almost a week sense i spoke my last words to you,it took me a while to build up the courage to speak up on the things i treated like a burden inside my head just to keep a spark alive between you and i,yes im intoxicated while writing this on this day the day but i feel you will forever play a part in my hesitancy towards having a significant other,im only 15 years old so i can’t know much about this and i try my best to learn from my mistakes especially when it comes to things like this but for some odd reason you were the hardest lesson of all to learn. you taught me to be confident in myself and made promises that i truly believed would never be broken and for that i thank you.but for some reason i miss you…i know it’s odd because you’ve done this more than once before and i promised myself i wouldn’t let this happen again but for some odd reason. i only focused on the good moments. yeah the bad ones were still there but for some odd reason,with you it never mattered.there will always be those overwhelming moments and feelings for and about you because i don’t know why but you managed to capture my eye a no just once..but a second time and i can’t help but think about how coincidental that became,the shine in your curly hair,the amount of times i lost count while trying to count your endless amounts of freckles,your soft delicate lips against mine,the way you held me,the laughs we shared,the talks we had,how when you held my hand it was like a perfectly fit glove,the fact that i finally could feel comfort in a significant other.you did things to me that no one else did and for that i dont think i’ll ever fully let you go,i know how silly i sound because im only 15. i can’t explain it to others because i know how dumb it all sounds but i think he will always have a spot in my heart,as crippling as it is to admit he destroyed the girl i was working on for months,other people left..others hurt my feelings and cut through my thickest layers,but i don’t think anything could or can compare to what i had felt after…after you broke the promises i hoped so hardly you wouldn’t break,after you wiped my tears and told me i wouldn’t EVER be alone,you broke the promises i begged you wouldn’t,yet still i hope the best for you even after all you’ve done,i feel so dramatic right now but i just can’t hold it back anymore i’m so drained,so much has happened sense you completely broke ties with me,i try to imagine that it’s for the best but i don’t think this will ever feel right,you were my person and i can’t accept that i’m suddenly not yours again,i hate to admit i’m that you were my first love because i feel deep down i may not be yours,i know that you’ve been through things most people will never go through but you having the bravery to tell me those things that you were so hesitant upon just created a person i worshiped even more,a person who can go through shit others cant and recover,a person that’s tough enough to help me and still calm my nerves when i can’t myself,a person to have my back.it didn’t take long before you became my best friend for a second time but for you to just disappear yet again.i really don’t understand why you hurt me everytime you end things or why you can’t end them on good terms,i know you’ve been through things and i don’t want to blame you because i know it’s a coverup for what’s really going on,yet i hope you can heal and come back a stronger person both for yourself and me,and i hope eventually someday we can at the very least be friends. i don’t know if you really ever felt or will feel the same way because you change in ways that i can’t fully understand but for now i will just tell myself that you did.-mk

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depressiongofuckoff · 1 year

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Depression – the label.....

For the majority of my life I’ve lived with the belief that I struggle with depression, and while it’s true, depression is a feeling I’ve almost always felt, I’ve allowed that word to become a part of me. It’s attached itself to my being – like an additional appendage. I’ve allowed it to become another adjective to describe myself, like saying I’m 5’2, or that I am female.

At first I found relief in the diagnosis. I no longer had to suffer in secrecy, I had an actual reason for always feeling so shitty. And again, with a diagnosis usually comes a cure – so I had hope! Some doctor/therapist/shaman/guru/genie would be able to help me. But after decades of intense therapy and yet continuing to wish I’d never been born, that hope dissipated. And what was born in its place was a deeper feeling of shame, guilt and self-loathing.

I never realized, until recently, how this “diagnosis”, the one I thought would bring me closer to finding peace, has shaped me. I was recently talking to a healer I’ve been working with and he said something that sounds so simple, yet it resonated with me so deeply. He said that saying I’m depressed is like saying I’m a person. What does that really mean? Sure, we all know it means to feel sadness, unhappiness, but why? And what has that meant to me all these years, to say I’m depressed? After breaking it all down and pulling apart the layers, it comes down to the belief that I feel broken, like I don’t fit into this world, this life. What I’ve always felt is detached.

Accepting this label and subsequently subscribing to the attached self-beliefs was actually more detrimental for me – it made me feel weak, powerless, damaged, broken. So what I initially thought would help me find a path to happiness only made me feel worse about myself.

I’m not saying it was a mistake to accept this diagnosis – it did give me the strength to continue searching and fighting for happiness. If you don’t know the disease with which you’ve been afflicted, how can you determine the appropriate course of treatment? So without an actual diagnosis, I may have just lay down and given way to this disease. But instead, I had an actual term that I could defer to, something that would propel me to seek out any treatment I could find.

So yes, this diagnosis – belief – label, served its purpose – it directed my continued search for resolution and attainment of true inner peace. But it brought with it a multitude of other judgments and beliefs. Now I realize it’s not simply the depression I need to heal, or even the traumas I’ve experienced – it’s the false beliefs I hold about myself, the negative things I say to myself, and ways in which I harm myself as punishment that need to end. I need to stop perpetuating these additional forms of self-sabotage. So it’s time for me to bid farewell to this simple word and detach myself from the brokenness that I’ve always felt. It’s time to heal the cracks, the wounds, the damage; it’s time to learn to like, and maybe even love, myself.

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andydreamzzzz · 2 years

Text

Monday 9.26.22

The world is really falling apart today, holy shit. Fascist Italians, a hurricane landing by the end of the week where I live, 100 SECONDS to midnight- possibly less, total abortion bans in Arizona and I'm both equal parts scared and enraged.

But I also had a fantastic work presentation today, in which I had to speak for about 45 minutes to a room full of men, and then proceeded to answer their questions for an additional hour and a half, because you know they weren't really listening in the first place. I'm proud of myself! I worked hard on that.

Anywhooo, about me: I have a grown up job, I own a house, I'm married to my high school sweetheart who I've been with now for 15 YEARS, and whom I love so deeply- it is only getting better (I'm so sorry, that part of my life really is such a fairytale, and I never want to come across as 'too happy' about it because it's a very obnoxious thing to brag about hahaha). That makes me 33, in case you're trying to do the math. Not interested in children, just vibing, navigating life with my best friend in the world (I feel the need to apologize again here lol)

I became a 'real' fan of MCR when the world got a little darker back in 2016 after the Trump election. Since then, the sadness I'd felt, built into a rage that has broken my heart again and again over the years, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that transformation. Through out those years I re-discovered my love of music and art, and finding Frank's music in particular was like a lightbulb moment. Frank's art helped me understand, that it is possible to be angry and hopeful, and to honor the pain we carry while we push forward. I think I also needed to find examples of men in rock music that weren't horrible people towards women in general lol. But yeah, that also has been immensely healing to me. His music created the space I needed to feel as angry as I've continued to feel, and to not be judged, or feel bad about it. We live in insanely cruel times, and now is the moment to see the world for what it is and not for the lies we tell ourselves as a nation and/or as people. Frank is good at that, he's never idle, his passion is powerful and I am constantly inspired by him. MCR creates the same type of space as Frank's music does, the same space to feel angry and feel accepted and even validated for it.

Anyways, now I'm on tumblr and down the rabbit hole, so I don't really know what that means for me to be honest hahaha. But I've had such a packed day full of emotions, that I just felt like sharing I guess.

Also on that note, let's be grateful for hyper-fixations since they happen to be privileged hobbies. And also, I think we should all take the time to find hope and inspiration outside of these men as well. For example for me, as a cis woman that is also a POC, they can't be everything. It's important that I support other women who kick ass and help me see beyond myself- like Serena Williams for example. And to have a list of queer people that deserve our support who are living their lives out of the closet and fighting for the rights of all the minorities that make up this fandom.

Oh! You should also watch Hasan Piker, in case he’s not currently part of your media consumption :)

#mcr #frank iero #my chemical romance #gerard way #ray toro #mikey way #a rant

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1socialengineer · 2 years

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I thought if we could remain friends, I’d be okay and get over it eventually. But all that did was keep the wound open and hinder me from healing. The thought of us staying close was really me thinking that one day we would work things out and be what I always wanted us to be.

That’s dangerous. Holding on to hope while the other person happily moves on with life with someone else is a recipe for disaster. 😓

Still, I set up a coffee shop meet up for us to catch up since we hadn’t seen each other in months. I think subconsciously I hoped we would have a spark and pick back up where the good parts of our relationship had left off… instead it ended with us both crying because there was still so much that hadn’t been said and remembered how much hurt our ending had caused us.

It was a bad idea. Reopened a wound that has been SO SLOW to close for me. My fight to not spiral back into depression is always tough! That didn’t help.

I listened to the audiobook, “How To Fix A Broken Heart” last night. It told me the same thing that everyone has been telling me for over a year now. I have to completely remove you from my life to begin truly healing myself. Stop believing that we will have another chance. Close that chapter of my life and prepare for the next one.

Do the work!.. And boy do I have work to do!!……

Those words are easy to say when you haven’t had multiple mental breakdowns in the past two year. I wanted a happier ending. But maybe this closer is just that. Rebuilding myself into a better woman and realizing that everything has an end date. Recognizing that and accepting it is the best way to keep your mind and spirit healthy.

It’s truly time to move on. Go cold Turkey like a drug addict. I am promising myself that I will do that while focusing on bettering myself/correcting my flaws.

One healing exercise that I read about is to create a list of things that make you great/that you love about yourself. I will do that in my next post. The first thing I have to do is fall in love with MYSELF and remember what I’m thankful for. Reconnect with God and give my son that love and attention he needs.

I am blessed.

#Healing #Reflecting #BrokenHearted #Growth #Therapy #CloseWounds #LoveYourself #HelpOthers #ThankGod

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30306-home · 2 months

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i got these rolls of 8mm film from j.robinson… the second time in ‘21 that, so i typically, i ran into him- no way out… it was okay though bc he was a lot nicer than the first time (which i’m having trouble getting to- and involved news of awful thing hope had done (when i do get there, and i guess thing is kind of a backwards segway, the biggest thing is that i… this really wouldn’t be important unless i had a really good reason to get it out, and embarrassing her or anything like that is the very very very last thing i thing i want to happen- maybe it’s even beyond the point of her name being attached anyway, and more about the repercussions in that have been so massive for me. it’s not something to just adapt to it and time has been everything but helpful. it’s not even a “healing” type thing. it’s like a broken thing that i am left all the little pieces everywhere i look and it’s not a thing i can let get the best of me, like it has- but is positively not sustainable, i’m out of patience, i can’t get too tired or angry or scared or intimidated to give in . i don’t have another plan (in general, it’s not a “plan” bc that implies that “changing” an option. there’s tons and tons of room to move around and have nothing predictable, as a “plan” would). there’s no way i’d let anything so trivial force my life in any direction that takes away that kind of choice, and it never had any business here in the first place.

i was saying, the film strips… i didn’t finish that part, but i started talking for whatever it’s worth.

back to finish that thought:

the, i retrieved 8mm film, i do not have tons of them that are already on reels and at j. rs’s house- he’s not keeping me from them- i’m not keeping him from his baby book, we just never did that part, and, i’m sorta glad bc there’s even been time to really talk about anything, what’s up (no i honestly don’t think either of us can answer that and or are settle with its lingering, complexity of such a multifaceted relationship- one that’s never faced interference like this, others up in it’s business, being taken advantage of- in every way but the best interest of either of us. more later, but it was a success and yes, hope involved herself…as far as she knows and needs to know it was a success. problem is, besides slighting is both (accidentally/unknowingly j.ro, aimed (why?) at me), by the time that was put together, the tributaries have traveled far.

please consider this a very special writing circumstance that isn’t meant to confuse, but will hit a lot of that, move backwards, forwards, skip chapters for the sake of accomplishing what comes up holds promise at it’s own chosen time. it’s the most doable strategy i can come up with, and right now the only thing missing is “doable”. won’t allow details to take over… can quickly turn “undoable”. this is an excessive amount of prefacing- spanning months/years? i will probably repeat myself by you can accept that, too, bad engrish, hopping, etc- okay. and if you can’t that’s okay, too! i’m just getting a bit out of my head and any bit sound reason is all i hope for… anything really, at all, i’ll take teensy teensy. current state- not okay, no reason, nothing more expected. a comfortable believable area that’s life me in the dust. (and i’m SO nervous to sound “oh poor me”- it just is on me or no body. i should never even know of this experience in life, and it was easy breezy for most of my life (the other part that doesn’t seem to fit). good god, the films. short version, this is all my sweet precious GEM of a dad (j’ro and hope can back that, they were both moved by him… best part- my dad is so innocently oblivious to it all). so i’ve surprised him by digitizing (oh the death of me) these here, will be editing for life- like 70 or something, but only a fraction compared to the rest on reels - which he is aware exist. i don’t think he’s ever seen any, but major things like the worlds fair are missing (possibly even some of his dad who died when he was 7). i’m the sole one that somehow wrangled that house of 4 generations, notebooks and book and films (extreme patience things) being the bulk. he’s hesitantly asked me about the others and i’ve hesitantly said in a shaky voice under my breath that “they are safe and sound………… and ummmmmmmmm at j.ro’s house” and “to not worry, i’ll figure it out, i promise, i’ll just figure it out and they’ll be right here”. my dad asks for NOTHING- he needs nothing, he’s happy and healthy and generous to death. he WILL have those films, projector and all. but not not tomorrow- and not until things are like HE, who ADORE’S j. ro, are back to life. we’re not looking at million years beyond tomorrow either. this is on me- and i’m less than harmless, so and junk, shouldn’t be mine to clean up- but i’m happy to for the love of them both. how? i’m trying to get there, it’s just not going to be an easy ride.

i’m sure i’m repeating that there is/always will be a place in my heart and priceless memories with hope- it a situation, and she’s just in it, and although it’s not accessible to me, it didn’t just walk of, you know it in there, too.

there’s anger here, and i feel extremely guilty and conflicted about expressing anything like that about someone with far too much already… and criticism? with love? i’ve had some major blows, that were deliberate decisions. i’ve really tried to find a way for them to make sense… just a little off the rails in traumatic times and a not acceptable normalcy. it’s like i’ve made some 100% unavoidable life altering “mistakes”(?), so i can’t not worry about everything now- how can i know if this won’t result in that? it’s not to cause anyone any harm, just to untangle some damage done on my end- only so i can be just okay… that= okay=amazing in my world now….. oh good lord the world. i will not stop trying to practice-DEETS LATER, BULLET POINTS NOW. i said i will not stop trying… since it can be jumpy maybe i will do scary parts just fast and quickly take and a special occasion ambien night to celebrate. you’re so going to be, what?? after all this i was expecting something GOOD!!!!

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brianyololau · 2 months

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3/23/24

Today's been unusually slow. It's the first time in months the daytime and evening have been hot. I also haven't had any career/school related tasks the past few days, and my two recent night shifts kinda threw my body's circadian rhythm for a loop for a bit.

I'm also feeling stressed, and I feel like it's not just one thing. I feel like it's my career, my job, my friends, my love life, my single life, my family, and my adulthood. Everything is such an individualistic experience now, and I think it's because I'm no longer in school.

School conditioned me to have a group like mentality. The cohort sits in class together. The cohort studies together. The cohort talks and celebrates together. Now that my 24 years of learning is over, it's now time for me to do my own thing, and what if that thing isn't as fun and easy as I thought?

What if I'm having second thoughts seeing all these work from home people sit at at home with their pets and being able to cook and clean for their significant other? Making more with more benefits than me, a healthcare worker who dedicated his career to saving lives?

Why do I feel like an easy and dispensable pawn able to be sent to the gallows in this respected industry?

Maybe the first step to answering all these questions first is to be real with myself. Maybe I need to accept my reality and embrace the journey which will get me to where I'm at eventually. Maybe taking the longer, more dangerous, and fulfilling route will bring value to my life in the long run.

I could have been a businessman, software engineer, or analyst.

Why did I choose such a less convenient career?

I did it because I wanted to be an FNP, to diagnose and treat people from all walks of life. I wanted to heal the broken, heal myself, and make a ton of fucking money along the way.

Can I still achieve this goal?

How?

I'd like to do all of this, but what happens when I start a family?

I'd want to work from home, make more money, stay with my dog and kids, and be there mentally for them.

I wouldn't be able to as much as an FNP who has to be in office and makes less than other specialties...

and if I choose to eventually work from home, I'd have to become a PMHNP. Am I even capable of that? Is that what I want to deal with for the rest of my career? People who are broken and suffering at the lowest point of their lives? Prescribing drugs while half the time, these poor patients can't even afford or can bring themselves to therapy?

Will I lose myself in the process?

No. All these questions and doubts. They're just hurdles that I have to face one by one. Step by step. That's the whole point of a journey. I'm just afraid if it's the right one for me. Well, I already know I like the ER, and I know that I don't plan on doing it forever.

What kind of education system doesn't warn its students that ER has the highest rate of burnout and that most people don't last their whole careers there? I wasn't even extensively taught how dangerous it could be to be poked by an infective needle. My life expectancy could go down to 5-10 years from a hepatitis infected needle, and there's no cure for that.

What kind of a sick joke is that? and for lesser pay than other specialties?

And for the government to force hospitals to eat the bill for every homeless or financially helpless who shows up at the hospital door. I understand the moral behind this, but how come the government doesn't eat the fucking bill? Shouldn't they help out than levy their own healthcare companies that affect the pay distribution of healthcare workers? Sounds like a big fuck you to me.

I need to find a way to make more than this. I like healthcare, but I think I only wanna work part time eventually. I need a replaceable income. I keep talking about this, but I've yet to actually do it.

I also know there's a long year ahead financially, socially, personally, and creatively. I'm so close to being in a position of potential independency. I just need a fuckin job.

May too. I'm afraid of pursuing something with her. I'm just not ready for something so serious so fast, and I don't wanna lose her. It's to the point where whenever we have the slightest romantic moment together, I immediately shut it out hurting myself in the process. I'd just rather find someone else I admire just as much if not even more because I think a reality like that can exist. What, 7 billion people in the world and half of the women? Aint no way I don't have a wifey out there for me. I've only been living in one city my whole life. I still got my life to live, and it has to be soon cause I aint getting any younger. It's time to live. Live for my younger self, for the life my parents didn't get to live, for the dreams sacrificed so I could carry them and live my own, for all the sights and experiences waiting for me to bring home and share with my family, for the inner conscience not yet healed, and for myself in the present.

I swear I'll live like my heart's beating out my chest. My ancestors are gonna look down and see flames of a new world order built upon love and pure fucking action.

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