#it tends to amount to feeling isolated even if people invite u in

[kisstheashes]

something something growing up mormon means you wonder if you'll ever fit in anywhere because you were so sheltered you can't integrate into any group you're technically a part of

[atleast-we-were-electrified]

I’ve been really mute the last couple of days on my socials because I’ve just honestly, been super duper anxious and struggling. I need to vent about why because I’m honestly not sure I’m going to ever ever get over it.

Anyways, back story, ever since the lead up to me turning 18, I’ve always said that a party wasn’t for me because the thought of being the centre of the attention and reasoning for people being there made me vERY anxious and uncomfortable and I always tried to lighten my feelings by saying to my family, “if you throw a surprise party for me, I’m gonna be out of there as quick as got in.”

This still applied leading up to most recently, my 21st. Other family / extended family were pestering me for months telling me that I should have a party for whatever reason they were pulling out the box and every time it was the same, repetitive, auto pilot response saying that it’s just a huge no for me and I’d rather keep it really lowkey. Now, bare in mind I’ve always kept telling folk it is due to anxiety reasons to close family and friends as it tend to make me feel really silly and stupid that that was my main reason for not having a party.

You can only imagine the amount of times I’ve had to explain myself over not wanting to have a party, family and friends could EASILY recite my response to being asked better than I do by now! - it’s been THAT often. I couldn’t have expressed it any more stronger to everybody about how overwhelming it would be for me, for all of the wrong reasons. ( I mean, for a gal who ends up having an internal panic over happy birthday, or her name getting shouted, you’d just take no for an answer and move on)

My mum had arranged for me to come for drinks in her work with some of her friends who are regulars in there, as they were keen for me to come for birthday drinks since I turned 21 at the beginning of July. I didn’t think much of it as it had been a lowkey arrangement since June!! I don’t really know the gals but felt awful saying no to turning up as it was lovely of them to have thought about me, and asked.

So, I toddled through to my mums work on Saturday evening when I had finished my own work, to be welcomed by BIRTHDAY BANNERS all over the pub, BIRTHDAY BALLOONS all over the pub, BIRTHDAY CONFETTI all over the tables and a DJ on. It did take me a minute to really click what was happening and I just walked in and minded by business (I was birsting for a pee lmao) and then it all clicked to me that I’d just walked into what felt like a surprise 21st birthday party for me?

I said hi to those who stopped me in my tracks and when I stopped and closed the door in the toilet, I fully just EXPLODED into tears and sheer panic it was horrible, I hadn’t experienced a panic attack like it in such a long time😢 I was cautious about staying quiet incase someone else comes in to use the other cubicle so it was double panic and worry. I just was in the most disbelief that after me explaining on hundreds of occasions how a surprise party would made me feel, that it was something they went ahead and done!? Asides being so anxious, i was incredibly hurt, angry and feeling betrayed?

Now il try avoid more details becuase it’s irrelevant really but, throughout the night, I noticed there was another birthday cake, that had clearly been made fresh and personalised for my 21st. It was thinking of these details and what I had said before that really confirmed to me what I’d first initially felt when I walked through the door. I had people come up and ask me if I was shocked and surprised about my birthday party, the DJ kept announcing it as “Caitlin’s 21st Birthday Party”.

Asides those I thought I was meeting, one of my mums friends was there, and the rest was all of the customers who drink in the pub pretty frequently, so again, are also regulars. So, this also made me feel very isolated, which surely isn’t right!!

My mum had the night off, much to my surprise again also, so she was joining us for drinks but since she knew everybody there, I was myself near enough so it felt because I didn’t know how to make the dreaded small conversation and being so anxious made this harder for me:/ Mum (and other customers) also made me aware of that she had texted them nearly 3 WEEKS ago that this was happening. My mum also took great pleasure in telling all of my family although they couldn’t make it, and also some other friends of hers which I know, who also didn’t make it.

Now, this is where it sits even more uncomfortable with me...where we’re MY FRIENDS?? you told people it wasn’t going to be a party (you told them it was a DISCO... that’s the same thing lol) as such but this is very much what it is!! None of my friends were made aware of this happening and I actually got a text from one of them thinking that I had fallen out with them and asked me to justify why I had (I obviously hadn’t, but they were upset to haven’t been invited to again, my BIRTHDAY PARTY)

Don’t get me wrong, some of the customers went out their way to get me a card etc and had kindly put money in it, which I’m super greatful for it was far too kind of them to do that!

The full ordeal was just super super overwhelming and every time I went to the toilet, I was having a fulll on crying session and taking mini panic attacks and still had to somehow sit the entire night looking like I was enjoying myself, which I probably didn’t do good at, but it’s the last time I let myself not fix my anxieties becuase it wouldn’t suit others if I did! If anything, holding it all in and having bursts in private, probably made me worse.

It makes me so upset thinking about it and it makes my heart rate just go up (kid you not my heart rate sat at 92+ bpm for 4 hours straight, and it peaked at 128bpm...my resting is anything between 52-70bpm, so ideally, not healthy!!!!) I was exhausted from my own feelings and it made it so much worse when everyone kept telling me how lovely it was and “not a big deal compared to an actual party” it was. This was beyond anything I ever ever wanted , and it sounds so ungrateful to say considering there was time and money and preparation put into making it a good night, but my feelings about it just can’t be switched off.

My parents, have clearly not done it to upset or hurt me in anyway, but I feel as though no thought was put into even considering for a millisecond about how it was going to make me feel. I couldn’t sleep that night. It felt as though I was on a full cardio sprint work out, but not going anywhere, the adrenaline this was giving me from being so anxious was horrible. I didn’t know, nor do I still, don’t know what to do. I couldn’t blurt out and tell everybody that it doesn’t seem like my feelings are being accounted for because I don’t want this, nor do I want to be here.

The first thing my mum said to me was that “it’s only a wee thing”...no, this wasn’t a wee thing!! A few days later, I’m still a huge ball of negative emotions and my mental health is just fucking shit...I just keep replaying it all in my mind. I just can’t believe how I greatful my anxiety is making me seem and it’s really not the case:( I’m just hurt and angry becuase despite not doing it to hurt me, they were more than aware of how it was going to make me feel if it’s something they ever thought was going to be a good idea to do - that’s what sets me off more alongside being anxious becuase it makes me feel so so invalid and isolated, which is already bad enough when my mental health is at a low.

Part of me wants to sit my parents down, and chat this out with them, but my relationship with my mum is very very mixed , to say it in the kindest way! I tell her this, and there really bad tension and arguments on her part for the next 2 weeks, adding to my anxiety. I also don’t want them thinking I had the best night ever and then to do it again for me and be ‘none the wiser’ - I’m just fully stumped. I don’t know how to help myself with shaking of all of my feelings right now, nor do I know how others can ( not that I expect this)

Isk guys, this is all here there and everywhere and I really didn’t know how to explain the ordeal or how it truest made me feel, I just needed to vent it out becuase it’s made me upset now whilst lying in bed cause I’m still on edge with anxiety from Saturday sooo yeah idk I’m off but if anybody happens to read that, pls send me photos of cute animals (I’m scared of cats so pls avoid them thank u)