#it was like... a rice/mango/cream thing...? strange because i dont like mangoes!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the absolutely Vivid reality based chronological dream i had last night. man

[ms-marmar]

tw: pictures of food that may or may be fear foods

but also some pro recovery shit! fuck eds!

SO TODAY I SAID

FUCK U

TO MY BRAIN N WEIRD EATING BEHVAIORS AND TOLD MYSELF IMMA EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON TODAY (or as normal) AND TRY TO LISTEN TO MY HUNGER CUES, AND IF U DONT FEEL EM, EAT A BIT ANYWAY, U PROBS NEED IT, AND IF U EAT A BIT N U KNOW UR NOT HUNGRY, TELL URSELF ITS OK

Also just a reminder to y'all food is a necessity, not a reward 💕 yalls important n beautiful

IM SORRY IM TRYING TO ADD A READ MORE LINE BUT THE FUCKING TUMBLR APP GIVES SHIT FORMATTING AND I CANT EDIT IT ON MY LAPTOP BC ITS DUMB AND SO PLEASE IF THIS IS TRIGGERING PLS SKIP OVER

I ATE HALF THIS BURGER. IT TASTED OK, NTN SPECIAL, BUT I DO LOVE KETCHUP

I ATE SOME OF MY FAVORITE FISH + SOME RICE N MY LEFTOVER SPAM ONIGIRI I MADE A BIT AGO

I MADE MILK BREAD TODAY, I ATE SOME W WHIPPED CREAM N FROOT (mah favs, mango n banan n strawberry ✨)

I MADE THESE STRANGE LOOKING CHOCOLATE DONUTS TWO DAYS AGO, I ATE ONE LEFTOVER

AND TODAY WAS THE FIRST TIME I RLLY HAD ANY FOOD FROM OUTSIDE SO FUCK YEAH I GOT BOBA. COCONUT STRAWBERRY WUZ THE SHIT TODAY. tho I wish there were better boba places in my area, but this place isn't too bad!

so yeah hopefully you take this as some positivity ✨ did I feel great? Nope. Deep down I know I'm scared of recovery, even though I know something is wrong and I need to fix it. Ive always been scared that recovery = "letting myself go." And the fact that I gained weight during my remission period just confirmed it. But I didn't consider all the other factors going on in my life that contributed to it. Ive been refusing even just trying to believe that where I'm at with my weight is okay. Constantly I feel like I do and dont deserve to feel like I'm fat. There's too much to consider in this mess. But what i do knownis thag I don't want to tell others get better when even I'm not putting that effort to get better myself. We all know its a lot of work and it's exhausting, but we can't give up. I've been keeping secrets from the ppl closest to me again and last time it happened I rlly hurt them. Hopefully I'll try to improve so that I don't keep spiraling down like I have in the past and repeat cycles of remission/relapse. I'm lucky enough to have people support me, and I take them for granted and refuse to reach out because I know that im supposed to "get better" when that's the last thing I wanna do. Why do I cling on so desperately to something i both love and hate, and all it does is make me suffer. I pray that you have others you can rely on, have resources available, etc. because you deserve and need help. And if you got nobody else to turn to Im always here to listen.

sorry this was long I went on a rant ahaha I could probs say more or edit this but I'm too lazy

i don't mean to offend anyone, all our experiences r v different and there’s no easy solution to any of the things we face. I wish there were better ways and answers. But first we must be open to them. I know that some day we'll all eventually feel okay 💕 and I can't wait :)

[backfist]

0-44

bruh

bruh

okay

0:Height - 5 ft 111:Virgin? - yes2:Shoe size - 11.5 - 13 depending on the shoe3:Do you smoke? - no4:Do you drink? - no5:Do you take drugs? - no6:Age you get mistaken for - between 20 and 277:Have tattoos? - no8:Want any tattoos? - def consider it! gotta be meaningful, though9:Got any piercings? - no10:Want any piercings? - probably not? wouldnt suit me11:Best friend? - probably my friend Jacob I’ve known since elementary school, or @say-tonic12:Relationship status - single13:Biggest turn ons - answered this just recently, but i’m a fan of red hair, i do love the curves, good smells, HUMOR, HUMOR, gotta have a similar sense of humor, also dank memes14:Biggest turn offs - cigarette smoking, general uncleanliness, country music15:Favorite movie - 7 pounds16:I’ll love you if - you show me small, cute animals17:Someone you miss - oh gosh so many people, i miss Laine, Jacob, Chris, and so many others ahh18:Most traumatic experience - bruh getting stabbed was pretty bad, although that sounds a bit worse than it was19:A fact about your personality - i’m too sarcastic for my own good20:What I hate most about myself - physically, my belly, personailty wise, i’d say i’m awkward sometimes21:What I love most about myself - physically, my legs or bears, personality wise, i think i’m very compassionate and funny22:What I want to be when I get older - if i had free roam and availability, i’d like to be a voice actor, but what i’m going for right now is to be some sort of physicist. 23:My relationship with my sibling(s) - don’t have any siblings ayyy24:My relationship with my parent(s) - wow that’s a loaded question - sometimes good, sometimes terrible, it’s quite complicated25:My idea of a perfect date - just being relatively alone with the person i’m with, maybe myself cooking for us and just relaxing, going for a walk or just taking a drive to nowhere26:My biggest pet peeves - indecisiveness, chewing with your mouth open, general ignorance lol27:A description of the girl/boy I like - they’’re gorgeous28:A description of the person I dislike the most - literally garbage29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend - because he’s invested in pro gaming an old ninendo game and I’m not about that30:What I hate the most about work/school - getting up so early, although BEING up easily is great31:What your last text message says “omg you’re the worsttt” - from @littytittymanda because i was so kind to send her this exact list lmao32:What words upset me the most - “fresh”, “fried”, and theres others which i cant think of because i just removed them from my vocab lol33:What words make me feel the best about myself - this is a strange question honestly. “fine, handsome” i would say. i’ve always felt strange about being called sexy, maybe i just dont see it34:What I find attractive in women - i like confidence, cute smile, again i love the curves, their laugh, the way that they talk. i mean women are all unique with special qualities and they’re all great c:35:What I find attractive in men - speaking for myself, a defined physique, as in being fit but not overly muscular, good facial hair, well kept. 36:Where I would like to live - maybe stay here in Michigan, or move to Cali, or maybe even Texas lol.37:One of my insecurities - i may be body conifdent, but i still hate how i look overall Dx38:My childhood career choice - wanted to be a phsychologist! wanted to help people’s brains lol39:My favorite ice cream flavor - MANGO SORBET OR COOKIE DOUGH40:Who wish I could be - i want to be Luke Cage, that man is amazing41:Where I want to be right now - in bed, 5 feet away, but if i lay down i’ll fall asleep faster which i really don’t wanna do.42:The last thing I ate - rice, i do love my grains43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - Ryan Gosling, obviously. have you seen that man? he’s a perfect specimen. but shoot, a lot of my followers as sexy as hell44:A random fact about anything - Ben and Jerry’s doesn’t have grape ice cream because through a series of unfortunate events, grape ice cream killed one of their dogs