#but it was very. linear. and it felt very real. like it was genuinely a place and a job that could exist

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the absolutely Vivid reality based chronological dream i had last night. man

[zukosdualdao]

i can’t stop thinking about WHY zutara bonding in the crystal catacombs scene is so moving and its just so!!!!

like. katara is someone who specifically addresses her mother’s death to empathisze with other people, like haru or jet. and while they do connect with her on this level (and i have lots of <3 feelings about haru and katara), she is always the one initially extending the empathy. she is always the ine in that caretaking role.

and when she brings up her mother in the crossroads of destiny, it’s different! because it’s the first time she’s taking about it in anger, as she yells at zuko about what this war has taken from her, personally.

and ZUKO is the one who reaches out to empathize with her in addressing the loss of his own mother by the hands of the fire nation. zuko, who has thus far not been more than an enemy or very brief, reluctant ally to her says: “i’m sorry. that’s something we have in common.” because he hears her crying and her grief and her anger and gets it, he does. and instead of katara being the one to reach out, to provide this kind of care for someone, for once, it’s the other way around.

and for zuko’s part! we actually see time and time again that he is someone not only capable of empathy, but rather prone to it. but it’s a part of himself he HATES. he’s been taught a very harsh lesson by his father: caring for others is a weakness. so, up to this point, he’s always not only shied away from empathy and connection with others, but actively set out to not be seen that way and perform a lack of care for them. even when he does start forming new connections, like with song, who empathizes with him through the shared pain of their scars, he can’t bring himself to return the compassion of sharing his own experience. (actually, i’d go so far as to say stealing the family’s ostritch horse at the end of the episode goes beyond the simple motivation of “we need to travel, this will make it easier”; it’s a way of reasserting to himself that whatever kinship or care he may have felt for song, he is not WEAK, he can still be the son his father wants by performing this act of disregard for others.)

but in the catacombs, he doesn’t just NOT shy away from empathy, he actively embraces it, actively makes the CHOICE to reach out. and like, he didn’t need to. while WE know katara as an extremely kind person, there was no real reason for him to expect this would be met by anything but hostility. and he chose to reach out anyway! because the thing is: he genuinely HAD grown. it’s just that healing isn’t linear.

it’s why zuko’s choice in the catacombs is so tragic, and such a betrayal for katara. because however brief it was, for a moment, they shared something real and honest and vulnerable. with someone neither of them ever would have expected it from.

[fkinavocado]

DADDY ISSUES ANNOUNCEMENT

ok guys. let's recap. i've been writing on this fic since august 2021. i was gearing up to wrap it up for its 2 year anniversary in august, but my mental health got in the way of writing in general, not just for this fic.

however, there has been another major block in my way.

many of you might remember this if you've been around long enough, but i got a lot of backlash at one point in the story. some felt it wasn't going in the direction they had hoped for (a typical happy ending, picket fence, kids, etc- the whole package).

and ever since, this has been bothering me- but not just because of the obvious reason (which is, that this is my fic and i should get to decide what the storyline is ultimately, and who doesn't resonate can just move on instead of sending me hate for something i share on here for free and for us all to enjoy- me writing it, and you, hopefully, reading it)

no, the real, or should i say, bigger reason is that i was upset with myself.

because, honestly... i wanted to end the fic where part 1 ended!

but... i gave into the pressure. so many ppl were pleading for more, and although the initial plan was to just write extras going forward, little check-ins mainly based on prompts, i felt like i owed it to you all to give you the happy ending everyone was rooting for... when, in reality, i'd meant for it to have an open ending all along.

yes, the check-ins would have had them be together etc, but no major plot developments such as... getting married, babies, etcetc. because i just didn't want to give them a typical story. i wanted this to be based on their dynamic, their relationship, them working on it, but not have it be the traditional story with a happily ever after.

(very many insisted a lot on the baby plotline, and maybe that's why i went with that twist in the story... because i didn't see it for them in the immediate future. and writing it in a linear timeframe without too many timejumps meant that i had to find a workaround... which only infuriated people more!)

so i'be been debating this for months now... should i go on and just wrap it up in a lame way that i didn't feel did the story justice (aka another timejump where they're finally settled, have a kid and another one on the way, and describe their happily ever after) orrrrrrrrrrrrrr backtrack to where i feel i deviated from my original plan, and take off part 2 and 3.

basically, go back to where they were on his front porch and part 1 ended:

Harry looked at you for a long moment, towering over you- you could barely see his facial features in the dark. 

But what you could make out clearly was the glistening in his eyes and the way his lips turned ever so slowly into a smile, his dimples on display. He was so handsome when he smiled, it hurt. 

You slowly smiled in return, your worried expression fading away, and you just stared at eachother like that, smiling after months of nothing but.

You didn’t need to say anything, your eyes had their own secret language. Once more, your bodies were doing the talking for you.

He held out the palm of his hand.

And… you knew.

this... this is how i wanted the main story to end. and then to just write extras, prompts you guys send in, whatever you wanted to see more of- but maybe not them having kids etc because fjdhfksd this is just not that kind of story to me! i just wanted this to be about them, the two of them rekindling their relationship after so much time apart and all they'd been through!

so... i finally took the decision, and as a result, you may have noticed that just the first 25 chapters are still listed in the masterlist (essentially, just part 1)

this was a hard decision, one i've been debating for ages, because, well... i hated having to just erase so many chapters. chapters i worked on, chapters i still see as genuine and true to their story but just... not what i wanted to write for them as a whole. i wanted to just focus on little moments. not have it be a chronological recount of their story, going further.

i had to let go of so many special moments that i loved writing! who knows... maybe i'll save some of them and integrate them into extras

that is, if any of you still want me to keep writing extras for them! i know many will still want to see snippets of them, but i am well aware most have probably given up on this fic and i honestly don't blame them. it's taken me forever to reach this decision, but honestly, i'm taking the advice of so many lovely people who came into my inbox along the years and encouraged me to stay true to what i'd envisioned for them in the first place

so this is me doing that ❤️i love their story, and all the love you guys have for it and it's just so so special to me. i couldn't bear giving it an ending that would just feel like i was wrapping it all up and putting a pretty bow on top when i have so much i wanted to explore with them, otherwise. thank you all for your patience and all your kindness. it means a lot, and i hope this news makes you happy because... it makes me happy knowing i stayed true to myself in the end.

now i can finally move on and write more for them. let's have some fun! if needed, go back and at least give chapter 25 a re-read so you know where things left off. i'm still not doing well mental health wise so please bear with me- i'm trying. i promise i am. i desperately wanna write, i love writing. writing extras is so much easier logistically- little fun check-ins that i don't have to overthink. i'm hopeful that this will prove to be the right decision going further ❤️

[stoopid-turtle]

Miscellany and Such

I'm just a clown with things to say. You shouldn't believe me.

Intro post for this series

Okay, so that addresses the bulk of my need to splurge. I do want to get into some of the ancillary questions/mysteries though.

- The Timeline

Like most turtles, I have given thought to the question of "the timeline". This question is complicated because there are so many different stages a relationship can go through and they aren't always linear or one-way.

Like, when I think about when GG and DD "got together", do I mean sex? Being exclusive? Romantic commitment? An actual date? Promise of being together for the long-haul? These are all different questions and there's no real set pattern for them.

I guess I'll run through the common theories I've seen and just give an overview of my thoughts.

1. The Consensus Timelines

I feel like this is what I see pop up in fanfic a lot. Basically, DD and GG don't make a long-term commitment till after filming, sometimes way after filming. (Some fanfic opens years down the line with them only getting together in the fic) This often includes casual sex during the filming, but it doesn't have to.

I definitely feel that if DD had his druthers, he and GG would have been married one week into filming. GG's feelings are kinda the deciding factor in pacing for the relationship. Still, it is very difficult to believe that they were not physically intimate during filming.

DD was fucking bold and thirsty, and GG was clearly likewise smitten. I know what guys are like in their 20s. I know this sounds like I'm spouting stereotypes, but genuinely, all of my actual experience tells me that guys who are that outwardly flirty are not the type to faff around before diving into bed.

I doubt it was "just sex" given the romantic undertones of their flirtiness. At the same time, it might have been some feeling each other out and they may not even have decided to be exclusive at the beginning.

Even if they had decided to be exclusive, they were clearly insecure about how the other one felt about them. I think a lot about their (hilarious) English conversation about DD chatting with men and GG chatting with a girl. DD also spent a lot of time reading through GG's messages on his phone, so DD clearly felt some insecurity as to whether GG might be seeing other people.

(It's not really a great thing to anxiously read through your crush/partner/boo's phone messages like that. But DD was hella young, and I know the anxiety and insecurity of love at that age. I think the fact that they quickly built up enough trust to commit to what's essentially a long-distance relationship shows that they both matured past some of that early behavior)

(Also, I can see that if DD was GG's first male partner, DD might have felt especially insecure. Even if he wasn't GG's first, there's often times a special anxiety that non-bisexual gay folk feel when dating bisexual folk. The fear that their partner will leave them for the opposite gender is intense. Just speaking from my experience as a bisexual lady)

It's interesting to me that GG was open to letting DD read his messages. I doubt he'd do that if he were seeing anybody else, so that suggests they'd decided to be exclusive early on. That doesn't necessarily mean they're committed to the long-haul, but it's a serious step given how relationships between actors on set tend to go.

The consensus seems to be that the long-haul decision wasn't made until after GG's Japan trip. That makes sense to me, but I'm not completely attached to it. I don't think we know enough either which way to tell when the commitment happened. There is something romantic about the Japan trip story, and GG's later quote about waiting fits nicely.

I've heard various rumors that GG turned DD down the first time he confessed. This is interesting to me and especially ambiguous. I guess by "confess" we mean "confess to being in love". That confession can come with a desire to commit long-term. This makes me think of DD's Weibo post about things he decided at 21, he hopes to still feel at 81.

In my head, I have a little story that that's a response to GG having turned DD down due to the age gap (and maybe because of the possibility of character bleed muddying feelings). DD is especially sensitive about the age gap being mentioned, and we know he also had complicated feelings about LWJ.

My story continues with another attempt to make them a thing at the end of filming, prompting the Japan trip (and DD's "I miss you" hat). I also think about GG's interview response about having received a confession from someone he liked, and I wonder if he was thinking about DD. About liking DD but also not being sure they could really maintain a relationship outside the relative safety of the film set.

Basically, I have a million stories in my head about how this could have happened, and I'm not incredibly attached to any one of them.

2. DDU Variation

This Timeline isn't mutually exclusive with the consensus. The gist is that DD developed a crush on GG during GG's DDU visit about a year before filming. The rumors attached to this theory posit that DD got GG's WeChat info from DLS but then never did anything with it.

GG and DD have said in interviews that when they tried to connect on WeChat at the start of TU production, they'd found they'd already connected but had never talked to each other.

The evidence for this is heavily linked to a post DDU made in response to GG wishing them a happy birthday where they implied someone in their production was a fan of theirs. This post included a minions emoji, and DD was into minions at the time. Course, a lot of people were into minions, so this could be nothing.

If we take GG and DD at face-value, then there's 2 options:

1. DD had a crush on GG, got his WeChat info, then never did anything with it. 2. DD did not have a crush on GG but got his WeChat info some other way, then never did anything with it.

#1 is frankly hard for me to buy. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that DD would have a crush on someone, have that person's WeChat, and NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

This is DD. He doesn't faff around. When he wants something, he goes for it.

#2 is plausible. I don't know the c-ent industry conventions, but I know in industries I've worked in, social media accounts are traded like business cards to network. Maybe that was commonplace at DDU with their guests, and they just added each other in one of those business card swap networking things.

But what if GG and DD are lying in interviews? They've lied before, after all. This leads to two alternate possibilities:

1a. They didn't have each other's WeChat until they started production on The Untamed. 2a. They did have each other's WeChat and they'd been chatting before The Untamed.

#1a is weird. I can't think of any reason to lie about that. But #2? Plausible. Maybe they did connect and start up a flirtation. Maybe even a relationship. Could be anywhere along the spectrum from early friendship -> light flirtation -> heavy flirtation -> online relationship -> secret in person relationship. Or maybe they just hooked up without a strong relationship attached to it.

It would add a different angle to the fact that they both tried out for The Untamed cast. They weren't necessarily going for the lead roles, as GG tried out for Xue Yang, but maybe they wanted to work on the same production together, and TU was their opportunity to do so.

This does mean they were pretending not to know each other at the script reading and the booting ceremony. This secretiveness implies that whatever relationship they might have had on WeChat already went beyond the bounds of friendship, or else why pretend not to know each other? It shouldn't be a hard thing to explain. "Oh, he guested on DDU last year, and we connected then." That's it. It's not even a suspicious explanation.

But it they'd hooked up or were even just being super flirtatious, then they wouldn't want to divulge that to those around them. (Counterpoint: They were pretty open about the relationship they did have eventually on set, even thing so far as to flirt, fight, argue, and have lewd conversations while getting their makeup touched up)

I can buy the DDU variation. The evidence is thin, and trying to "read" their behavior in the bts is always a little ambiguous and limited. But I'd say, if DD did get GG's WeChat because he had a crush, then it's highly likely they already had some relationship before filming. If DD just acquired GG's number in some routine industry business card swap, then this timeline variation is unlikely.

C. THE DEVIL'S TIMELINE

I love the name of this one. Basically, the speculation is that DD and GG might have been together even before the DDU episode. I think I've seen some Uniq fanmeet highlighted as a potential meeting point, given that GG was into K-pop at that time.

The evidence is even thinner for this than for the DDU variation. There's a picture DD drew of a person with a mole like GG's (I have no clue the context of his drawing that picture) and they have some Weibo posts that are kinda similar.

The Weibo post evidence is always confusing for me. I can see couples having some back and forth in their posts. Like, if your partner starts posting photos of ridiculous desserts, you might post similar photos. Or your crush develops an interest in foosball, so you do too. But some of the evidence is apparently photo sets that bear some resemblance to each other and I just...is this like a known thing for couples do to this? I've never come across this outside of this fandom. I don't know why you would. If my wife started subtly mirroring my photo posts, I don't think I'd even notice. (Hell, maybe she already does)

So I guess I don't find those incredibly convincing. After a point, if you look at any two people's posts long enough, you'll probably be able to find some similarities if you keep the criteria broad enough. If this is a known thing in Chinese social media for couples to do this, though, I might find that more compelling.

Other than that, the main evidence is kinda subjective in that its based on their behavior towards each other. This is real hard for me to gauge, so I'm not placing bets on it.

I don't think the Devil's Timeline is impossible. But I just don't see anything to indicate it as a thing. But who knows?

In sum, overall, I think DD and GG were physically (and romantically) intimate pretty early on in filming, earlier than many in the consensus seem to think. I'm undecided on when the big, serious commitment happened. And I'm open to the idea that they had a flirtation or an early online relationship via WeChat after that DDU episode. I'm not sold on the Devil's Timeline though.

Do I want to know? I mean, yeah? I find their whole romance interesting and compelling. It's like a romance novel, and I like romance novels. If they were non-famous and I met them at a party, I'd be totally into asking the "So how did you two meet?" question and learning that story.

But I'm just a rando in a different country who doesn't even speak their language. I don't get to know everything I want to know, much to my consternation. So I just have to shrug and move on with life (and read fanfic).

If in the unlikely event they come out with their story, though, I'd buy the shit out of that book.

- Fanfic/Shipping

I read a lot of fanfic (and have done for most of my life), but I felt some discomfort with the first bjyx fic I started reading. Not cause of the fic, itself, but because it felt weird to read fiction about real people. It's a side of fandom I'd never gotten into.

Fiction is a way to take stuff from the real world and make sense of it. This is something I've always appreciated about reading and books. Fanfic and bjyx fanfic fills the same need. I know I'll never get the full story on the truth behind bjyx but I can share ideas with others. I can engage in what-ifs and work through moments that are emotional.

I think sometimes people take a single fanfic to mean that the writer is making a Statement of how they think things are. With real people, they think the writer is seriously ascribing actions/thoughts/whatever to the celebrity.

Writers really aren't doing this, usually. Most writers have multiple fics with different situations, premises, character dynamics, universes. Writers are playing around with ideas, with dynamics they enjoy. Sometimes, they may feel they're hitting close to reality, but they know there's no way to be sure. Sometimes, they just want to write something with a silly premise to make their friends laugh.

Fanfic can be beautiful and compelling and amazing, but it's not real. It's words on a screen, and every fanfic reader moves on to the next fic with a completely different premise afterwards. It's not useful to read so much into any particular fic.

Can some fics and fans cross a line? Sure. But they're rare. And I honestly think people who write fic are less likely to be the crazy stalker fans just cause, well, they're spending their time writing, not stalking their celeb.

I do find the division of fandom into top/bottom weird and offensive. I don't have a preference on the mechanics of sex bc...whatever. But since fic writers tend to base their characterization on those mechanics, sometimes I'll be in the mood for one dynamic vs another. It's not about the sex though. There's just lots of aspects of Yizhan that I like, and I like to read a lot of different takes on them.

Again, it's fiction. Just like everything turtles believe.

- Fanservice

During my development as a turtle, I had a moment where I read a rumor that DD had played up the fanservice intentionally. It threw me back because I'd gotten pretty fond of DD and that sort of behavior was not in line with how I saw him.

I mean, I know actors are actors. They act. Part of that acting involves promos for their roles. But I've always appreciated DDs no-nonsense straightforwardness, so thinking of him playing a role in the bts was hard to stomach.

So I thought about it and did some reading around, as I do, and finally concluded that this whole "fanservice" thing wasn't very believable.

1) Fanservice doesn't look like the bts.

Honestly, there was a point while watching the bts when I felt DD was just kinda bullying GG and GG was putting up with him (I think this is a common takeaway). Even when I cottoned onto the fact that GG was just as flirtatious, I recognize that DD was just as obnoxious as shit.

He wasn't doing the actual romantic fanservice stuff that you see, say, Thai BL actors do. He was acting like a young boy with a crush. And I say this as someone who was a young girl DD's age once who had a similar (unreciprocated, in my case) crush on a coworker and who was as obnoxious as DD was. None of it resembled normal, stereotypical romance, because especially at that age, that's not how you do romance. No offense to DD. I know he hates to be recognized as young, but he was quite young and often acted like it in his clear affection for GG.

2) The experts say so.

By "the experts" I mean BL fans. I lurked around some BL spaces to see what that crowd's impression was. The overall consensus was that ggdd had great chemistry but never actually did fanservice.

True, being a Chinese show, maybe Chinese fanservice is just especially toned down. But that takes us to the next few points.

3) My understand of the release of the bts is that a lot of the bts is "unofficial" and was not planned to be released ahead of time. It was only with the popularity of the series that more came out.

Why fabricate a backstage, weirdly chaotic but low-physical affection relationship on a show that you're not even sure will get aired?

4) Fanservice ends.

Especially for a BL pairing, once the promo is over, the actors have to be separated from teh gay to make room for future het pairings. But there is every indication that GG and DD were still together after this point, and they're still dropping candies to this day.

So in sum, I know gg and dd are gay. The odds are much more likely that they are in a relationship than that they're doing long-term fanservice. They are gay. They fell in love. They're together. That's not so hard to buy.

Also, I went ahead and explained my turtledom to my wife. She easily bought that the two were together during filming. She wasn't sure about them still being together, so I explained about the necklaces. She asked me, "Could it just be fanservice even now?"

I started trying to explain my reasons I listed above and then I also mentioned they were signed with different agencies. As soon as she heard that, she said, "Ah, yeah, that wouldn't make any sense then."

Not saying that my wife knows everything, but she's really smart, y'all.

She is also a clown, though, like me. Absolutely raving mad.

One more post in this series! Some closing thoughts, and I'm also working on a little prezzie for turtles before I retreat to lurking.

[yasashiinaya]

Oh rain world

Booted up rain world. Been a while. Felt like looking around The Rot, into a riv expedition I go.

So when I completed the rivulet campaign, I climbed up the wall, dropped into pebble's chamber, went to linear system rail, got the cell, got the fuck out. Scary as hell.

This time around, I went the underhang route. Seeing the cystic conduit and the depths. Oh man. You can somewhat tell what used to be what. Seeing the eroded remnants of memory conflux and unfortunate development. The ambient music in the entire place too. Man.

Then it hits you. Entering the primary cortex and hearing the music pearl in the distance.

Not too long ago I got asked which soundtrack from a game I found the most moving. Very few things can channel melancholy in the way distorted halcyon memories can. After playing the rivulet and saint campaigns, hearing it is a real gut punch. That damn music pearl is what Everywhere at the End of Time represents.

My view on pebbles really changed a lot. When I had finished spearmaster, I had all the required lore. I had moon read all the coloured pearls. I listened to all the broadcasts. I understood what was going on. Heading into artificer, you actually got to be with the guy. Was he particularly friendly? No. At least he didn't explode you I suppose. Going through rivulet and saint? I genuinely feel bad for the guy.

Pebbles had totally valid reasons. What is the point of mindlessly iterating when there is no one to iterate for? He found a solution to his problem, but as a last laugh from the ancients, he was built so close to Moon that it wouldn't be possible apply his solution without affecting her. Of course he was in the middle of self brain surgery by the time it was seriously affecting her. Even though he literally caused her collapse, it was totally valid for him to be upset at her. From his perspective, she's the reason he just created mega cancer.

While god-like, Five Pebbles is still a person.

[alex-travaganza]

i really wish i understood the appeal of milo murphys law but i just can't get into it :-( I've tried watching it but it's just so painfully mid

(i’m very critical about mml here but i end it positively don’t worry. essay under the cut)

i watched milo murphy’s law with my best friend and roommate ( @herbi-cide ) which gave me a more positive experience with the show as a whole but there were so many times were it just felt like a slog. i hesitate to call it “filler” because it’s a pretty episodic show (though theres much more of a plot than pnf) but i don’t particularly find the laid back contained story episodes very engaging or funny most of the time. i’ve seen people (KEYAN *shakes fist*) say this roots from a lack luster premise, but i think that a premise is always as good as it’s execution. and a lot of mml executes like ass. it is straight up disastrous. like milo murphy himself walked through the writers room one day leaving the writers to salvage whatever scraps were left among the wreckage

im really not confident in dwampy’s ability to write a plot-driven show, i think it’s obvious that they’re comfort zone lies in episodic comedies. which is awesome, we all have our skills and comfort zones, phineas and ferb is so great at what it does for a reason. but i think this is very much to mml’s detriment. there is so much set up for great storylines and likable characters, and so many good ideas, but like, either they didn’t have time to do anything with them or just straight up didn’t know how. it is genuinely impressive how boring mml can get given its cast and world

i think people blame pnf too much for the decline of mml in season 2, doofenshmirtz is insufferable throughout most of it and all, but i think the pnf shoehoring hints to a larger problem that mml always had. it feels as if it’s uncomfortable with its own characters and world, like it’s afraid to commit, and i think that is very much dwampy’s sitcom-oriented writing style shining through in an ugly way

i see people praise mml for its story, but because of dwampy’s aversion to writing linear storytelling, it definitely ranges on the plot-light side of television. it’s not quite a sitcom, but there’s really not much story progression happening aside from a few world building episodes and big arcs like the aliens or the pistachions (which phineas and ferb also does better in the meap saga let’s be real, at least for the alien arc)

i don’t like comparing mml to phineas and ferb, but one fails so hard at the things the other achieves in spades that it’s kind of impossible not to compare them. i wouldn’t mind mml’s shitty storytelling as much if the plot-light episodes (which is most of them) were compelling. phineas and ferb has just as good as a premise as murphy’s law, if not less interesting, and does the character-driven sitcom filler infinitely better in every single way. it is rare i’ll ever be bored watching phineas and ferb, and ik comedy is subjective, but i think a lot of us can agree that phineas and ferb is overall just wittier and funnier in general than mml. mml is kind of forgettable! i’ll be real! i love it but it’s forgettable

i want mml to be its own unique thing sooo bad but especially in the second half it feels like there’s no reason i shouldn’t just turn it off and go watch phineas and ferb. it’s also frustrating because i know mml has the capability to be good, because the pistachion arc is gripping and well structured and generally super entertaining (one of the best experiences i’ve had watching a show with a friend), and there’s a lot of fantastic episodes and moments in there. which is why i’m so harsh on it, it’s disappointing!!

there’s dozens and dozens of ultra talented people who worked on milo murphy’s law (i’ve gone through so many storyboards and portfolios to look for more details about the artists who worked on it so can confirm these people are awesome) so i can only wonder if studio conditions / time crunches / other factors (disney bullshitery) had anything to do with how spectacularly mml fails in a lot of regards, but there’s an upside, and this is the biggest appeal of murphy’s law for me:

the milo murphy’s law fandom and by extent the dakavendish fandom is one of the best fandoms i’ve ever seen hands down, some of the most dedicated and passionate writers, artists and general fans continue to be active in the community and create awesome shit that is leagues better than anything in the source material. because mml presents so many good concepts but doesn’t deliver, it leaves a lot of room for fans to expand on them and make their own amazing stuff. and because they’re such a small community, and milo murphy’s law is widely remembered as “that show that came after phineas and ferb” or “that show keyan carlile didn’t like” they are very close knit and very very friendly. nicest ppl you’ll ever meet

if it weren’t for the fandom i would not give a single shit about milo murphy’s law, but the fans make the show and it’s characters so much more than they are in the source material. so no wonder i had such a good time watching it when i had my roommate to talk about it with! community adds context to art in a way that can change it entirely, especially in the age of the internet

so i will always recommend murphy’s law with that in mind. also, think of it this way: at least it’s not hamster and gretel. i’ll stand by my opinion that show sucks LMAO

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

tagged by @lesbianwillbond to do this book tag game mwah <3

book that pleasantly surprised you: the big archive by sven spiekler!!! although i love nonfiction im typically only mildly intrigued by it in the sense that i read it and enjoy but im not like. totally enthralled by it but! this is a fascinating book on art and bureaucracy and like the contingencies and fascination that we have the the linear progression of time. wouldnt say its for everyone bc it would make like half the ppl i know want to bash their heads in lol but it definitely scratched an itch in my brain

book that disappointed you: you guys might hate me for this but a little life by hanya yanagihara .... i feel like its kind of overhyped.... i went into it expecting like soul crushing prose and it was well written but i felt like it relied a little bit too much on the readers emotional reaction rather than the actual plot and thematic devices if that makes sense??? i definitely enjoyed it but it wasnt what people said itd be really which was kinda disappointing lol

current read: east of eden by john steinbeck!!! illa and april got me intrigued and then i started reading it and the relationships and how the plot unfolds itself is (so far) VERY delicious to me. love it when theres a well written sibling dynamic love it when theres a woman whos a little bit evil .... im just having fun over here

top two books on your tbr: brideshead revisited by evelyn waugh and cain by josé saramago are next on my list i think but honestly who knows ..... im a chronic starts books that i never finish guy so i should probably focus on finishing some of the ones ive already started lol

rec a book to the person who tagged you: im not sure how into fantasy you are but equal rites but terry pratchett is suuuuch a fun book.... its a childrens book (im pretty sure) so its not like super complex or whatever but its got beautiful world building and esk is genuinely so real. also think you could enjoy the piano teacher by elfriede jelinek its very psychosexual but i could see you enjoying it

tagging @alpacinolover @corpsecoded @woundthatswallows @lesbianjudasiscariot @kommunarde and anyone who wants to!!!

[upnate]

Finished the #LEGOFortnite Survival Experience: A Thread.

From opening the world with a couple friends, to collecting the end game gear on my own survival map; LEGO Fortnite was genuinely enjoyable.

I MEAN THAT SHIT WAS BALLER

The swaying of the realistic trees coupled with the goofy little spiders made the start of the game whimsical, and comedic.

Learning how to use the basic building mechanics to build my own log hut, and apply myself to making a realistic village was impressive, and felt very LEGO-esque, to the core.

The back and forth of actively engaging with the environment, and the resource collection, made for most of the challenge. Between having a unbearably slow early to mid game travel (especially if you are as dumb as I am, and not making little cars, or keeping wood to make stairs) and then suddenly getting grapplers, and gliders turning it all inside out-- made for most of my lost time.

Then, getting, finding and fighting more of the rarer enemies made for the other half of my problems-- how do I kill them? Crossbow. Where's more of their loot? I'm struggling to get multiples? Loot more chests. (I had well over 20 scales from chests)

(My only real problems were that there were SOOOOO many skeletons, I have a dedicated, LARGE chest for bones.) (LIKE WTF)

Realistically most of the solutions were linear, and thankfully made for a lot of "AH-HAH!" moments.

I would love to see legendary items join the game, and maybe a dedicated ending?

Other than the handful of interesting bugs/generation errors (I legit got stuck in a little hole with almost no way out) I found the game to give me everything and a little more than I was expecting. In the end, when you collect/make the last couple bits of gear you get to stand back and look out across a colorful horizon. Awesome~!

[bitchfitch]

Hi 4 am Arlo anon i am also 4 am Arlo anon tonight.

Like ok. Arlo. My man. My dude. I Know the shape of his origin story up to burrying himself beneath several tons of dirt and have basically all the details needed for it. I know the shape of his life after Asena stops him from being able to help keep Conall's wolf at bay.

But i only have the vaguest outlines between those two points.

I've been struggling hard to bind together all the sorta Moments i have in my head for him and his progress towards being Arlo in a less actively destructive way. And it's because there's no real plot to them. There's not an arc. It's not linear. he has backslides and tiny changes that took months of effort. Most of his growth happens in small moments that aren't even all that notable.

Arlo at the beginning of his story saw himself as perfection incarnate. He saw his magic as a gift his mother gave to the world but which the world rejected and so he was going to use it to cause as much hurt as he could.

Arlo at the end of the story gives up his magic entirely to save the life of a human. Because carving that part of himself out hurt less than the idea of being so alone again.

He hadn't even known he was lonely when he first met Conall. He couldn't remember what it felt like to not be isolated.

There's no grand revelation or conflict. There's no adventure or spark point. Just a hundred incremental changes that happened in unremarkable ways.

And that's. nothing. That's not a story worth putting between a queen shredding an outer god to remake herself and using the leftover scraps to make her unicorn children, and a man loosing everything in a single night before begging at the feet of one of those unicorns to take even more from him so that his sister could have a life free of the pain the queen and her children had caused, and that sister now grown coming to try and free her brother only to damn him further, and horrible selfish creature carving it own beating heart out of its chest to save the only person who had Ever treated him like a human. Who made being human not insulting.

If i let Arlo's growth be a focus, then the middle 3/5ths of the story are a very patient man putting too much work into someone who doesn't deserve any of it. But without that growth none of the rest works. Without Arlo being given those moments there's no reason for Conall to come back to him time after time.

Arlo can be likable as a character despite his Arloness. He's funny, in a pathetic wet cat way and in a cartoon villain level ghoul way. He's pretty, he has his charm. He and Conall work well on the page and bounce off each other right. But he's the cause of so much strife and pain. He's hurt Conall so many times. If there weren't those moments of progress and genuine humanity it just wouldn't make sense for Conall to be putting so much effort into him.

But those moments are nothing.

[gunsatthaphan]

The whole Middleman’s Love thing happened in one day I think! One moment I was seeing them being back on set and smiling and then at the end of the day they announced it got postponed. I wonder if Jimmy had some sort of a breakdown on set, it’s not surprising because I thought it was too soon for him to come back. I think he wanted to put his work first but mental health is so tricky, you can’t work thru this pain like you can with the physical discomfort. I hope to god he’s okay. I know they’re paired together but I wonder if Tommy felt it would be a disservice to Jimmy to work with another actor 🤔 I was so looking forward to this, not cause of the plot but because Mii2 are one of my favorite pairings, I have very few that I genuinely think care about each other, the list is very small, like MileApo, OffGun, MaxTul and Mii2, they all give me the same vibes of real love and respect, in whichever way they are. They don’t seem fake, I’m so sad

this sums up my thoughts on this so well so thank you for sharing anon!!!

It all happened so fast lol. I remember the day when Jimmy said he was gonna take a break and that wasn't even that long ago. And then all of the sudden I see him on set and them trending the Q-hashtag or whatever and I'm like 🧐🧐🧐 that's odd. but alright. so yeah I guess this didn't come as a huge surprise but it still makes me sad. Partly because of the show since I was excited for it, but more for Jimmy and the rest of the cast. He obviously tried his best and went to set etc. only to find that he can't do it. 

And you're right, MH stuff isn't something that operates at a linear rate, it's a constant up and down which makes so much sense with how all this went down. And what's even more heartbreaking is Jimmy’s statement on Twitter, where he deeply apologizes and says it’s all his fault etc. and I’m like,,,,,, it’s probably for the best if he stays away for as long as possible. This is not right. 

Tommy has my deepest respect for leaving the project as well and I think that’s the best move he could do. I also have the impression that him and Jimmy have a genuine bond and I’m glad that he followed his lead. I wouldn’t want to see him with anyone else anyway. 

This is all very upsetting for multiple reasons but when I think about how Jimmy must have felt, this is obviously the best option for everyone. I wonder how they’re gonna continue with Bed Friend since those shows kind of go hand in hand... remains to be seen. But yeah for now I just wish him all the best 💜 

xxx

[casnonotbcofspn]

my opinions on oppenheimer in case anyone cares. there will be spoilers.

Good parts of this film:

-Cillian Murphy. At the end of the day he is a good looking man. 

-Florence Pugh. At the end of the day she is a good looking woman.

-Bonus point - we get to see both their tits.

-Mad cinematography. It was epic. Very Nolan. 

-I liked the non linear story structure and the format of the film, organised around the questioning of two different people and their flashbacks explaining their answers. It was a bit smarter than I expected in that regard.

-Emily Blunt is an amazing actor and acts amazingly in this film. Her scenes were really a highlight for me. Her performance was so genuine and seeing her tear down the twat interviewer like that was great. And her outfits were great.

Bad parts of this film:

-The bombs at Hiroshima and Nagasaki killed at a minimum 100,000 people. The bomb at Hiroshima detonated over a hospital. 93% of the doctors and nurses in Hiroshima were killed by the bomb, leaving the survivors of the initial blast at much greater risk. Due to disorganised after these attacks, the exact death toll is unknown, but it could have been over 200,000 people. People in those regions of Japan continue to suffer increased risks of cancer, miscarriages and infertility, birth defects and abnormal brain development. It is impossible to know how many people died as a result of their injuries and sickness from these attacks in the 80 years that have followed. 

-In the film, we see a bowl fill up with marbles as they mine more uranium to build these bombs. What we are not shown is the fatal birth defects that animals and humans in the areas of the US surrounding the uranium mines used by the Manhattan Project.

-In the film we see Las Almos, the supposedly remote and uninhabited site where the nuclear bombs were worked on. Except it wasn't uninhabited. People lived there. The land, owned mainly by Hispanic and Indigenous homesteaders was seized by the US government. The homesteaders were paid around $7 per acre of land. They had no choice. They were not informed of what was happening. They were not warned about the Trinity Test. They were not warned not to visit the test site until a month after. That area of South New Mexico still suffers elevated risks of cancer and economic hardship as a result of the nuclear program. The people in these communities have spent the past few years begging the creative team for Oppenheimer to acknowledge their suffering, at least in some small way. Shockingly, Nolan was too busy playing with dynamite in the desert to give a shit about human life and reply.

-You may say that the film is not telling that story, that the film has no obligation to real life, to history, or to the massive impact of the Manhattan Project on the world. To that, I would say "The truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought that music mattered. But does it bollocks - not compared to how people matter." Art is meaningless if it has no respect to people, to humanity. 

- But the film does respect some people's humanity. Oppenheimer's in particular, of course. I went into this film expecting it to be masturbatory of the life of Oppenheimer. What I did not expect was for the writers and directors to metaphorically stick Oppenheimer's dick out of the screen and force me to wank him off too. Let me give you a short summarisation of the film. Ohhhhhh Oppenheimer you poor ickle wickle baby misunderstood oh nooooo you tried to kill your teacher (NOT REALLY ADRESSED ALSO?????) but you're just sooooooooo troubled because you are such a genius and oh those mean government people persecuting you for being a communist - BUT DONT WORRY HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A COMMUNIST IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM - ohhhhhhh your poor man the world is against you and oh isn't it sad that HE felt sad about the bombing of thousands of civilians. the big problem here is that HE is sad. oh pooooor Oppenheimer we must give him a blowie to make up for all his suffering :(((((

-Oppenheimer consistently shows little to no remorse over the potential danger of the bomb until after it is dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. But then, he only feels bad when he imagines it being dropped ON WHITE AMERICANS!!!! Oppenheimer was not a lost child or a puppy of some description who accidentally made the nuclear bomb. Pull your head out of your fucking arse.

-The film is also rife with historical inaccuracies, which is perhaps not so relevant when I complain about the lack of bonnets in the Netflix adaptation of Persuasion, but much more important when we are discussing one of the biggest films of all time that millions of people will watch which somewhat claims to be semi autobiographical and carries a light documentary tone. The inaccuracies range from innocuous to downright misleading and malicous. The worst part is the constant re-asserting that developing and dropping the bomb was neccesary for the world. It wasn't. At one point Oppenheimer even claims that dropping the bomb is necessary because regular people are so stupid that they will not understand the dangers of nuclear weapons until it lands on their heads. This film actually argues for dropping nuclear bombs AS A NUCLEAR DETERRENT. At this point I wished to hurl a heavy object through the screen in cinema. If you want more details on the necessity of dropping the bombs, and the story around them, I would reccomend Shaun's YouTube video on the matter.

-Those are my more serious complaints. In regards to more petty and artistic complaints, here we go. To start with, the film is THREE FUCKING HOURS LONG! With the ads and trailers I was in the cinema for THREE AND A HALF HOURS. About two hours into the bloody film I was beginning to contemplate if I would ever be free of this american military wank off, since the whole part of the story I was even vaguely interested in was already fucking over.

-The cast was... too stacked. Too many famous people. I don't care. I didn't need to see Rami Malek in a one minute cameo where he picks up something Oppenheimer drops and then randomly defends him years later. WHY? WHY DOES FREDDIE MERCURY NEED TO BE HIRED FOR THAT ROLE???? I can only imagine why this film was SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. I am sure even the most invisible extras were multi-millionaire influencers with a merch line and herbal tea subscription service.

-There is also a female scientist character who Oppenheimer initially hires after she faces sexism applying for jobs. Then ten minutes later HE FIRES HER and sends her back to her husband??? Why was this mini sexism portion relevant? Why did we need to add more time to the already outrageous run time? Why was this even brought up at all WHEN IT HAD NO CONSEQUENCE TO THE FILM AT ALL???

Christ I need to stop thinking about this monstrosity masquerading as a movie. Please don't fall for this blatant American Military propoganda. It's not worth your 3 hours or the eight quid you'll end up paying for cinema tickets. Touch grass, tell someone you love them, fucking scrub the streets of Bradford with a toothpaste while people vomit on your skull and it would be a better use of your fucking time. How about we make some interesting movies about non war criminals, Hollywood?

[savingyou]

So i finished the jeffery dahmer show and i have thoughts:

1. Fuck jeffery dahmer I’m glad he fucking died

2. Evan Peters was so good in the role i genuinely wanted to like him and did until he tried to kill Tracy (after that i just felt bad for him)

3. I must write more stories showing the victims lives because then you will experience more pain and i find that fun

4. I wish Tony was still alive and I’m still upset that he’s not

5. I want to donate money or something to make that memorial an actual real life thing to commemorate the victims and not the serial killer psycho who killed them

6. I’m almost mad that the show exists because it makes jeffery to be the main character for like half of it (4 or 5 episodes) BUT it does not make you like him, that is up to you, whether you want to empathize with him or not. And it actually names and shows all of his victims and their families, they become what the show is actually about. Its a memorial in and of itself, and I’m glad the violence wasnt gratuitous

7. The show is expertly crafted, shot, edited, and written. If it wasnt about fuckin jeffery dahmer i doubt anyone would have watched it and actually cared about any of its messages. I wish it resolved a little more, but life doesnt really do that. I like the different perspectives it shows, and the non linear storytelling. Its a masterpiece and i hope there are more shows like it — not necessarily about serial killers, just more well crafted shows.

8. I like how it doesnt really make homosexuality out to be a villain. Yes some of the characters are homophobic, but being gay isnt a bad thing, and the show reflects that. It very simply says that jeffery dahmer was bad, and he commited several acts of sexual assault and sexual violence because HE was bad. I like that the show doesnt take homosexuality away, and it doesnt make you feel uncomfortable because of it specifically, its what dahmer did to his victims that makes you uncomfortable, like kissing unconscious men

[souryogurt64]

Gray anon again! yeah it definitely didnt feel like a 'novel' novel - the plot wasn't "this happens and now this happens", it felt like it was just an exploration of the narrator's mind over the period the book happens. (Which I really enjoyed bc I love character driven/focused stories.) There was some repeating stuff l noticed like the cigarettes and medication on Her counter, but the climax/twist felt so weird bc despite everyone thinking that it's some bullshit shallow celebrity project it really feels like there was genuine thought and planning and emotion in the other parts of the book. This is gonna be living in my mind for a while, I fear

I think he ran out of time, mostly. I also think from how he talks about his mental illness (there's some video of him onstage talking about how "it never really gets better and that's okay") there was no way for the book to end because it's exploring his mental illness, which just an endless cycle. I've noticed with a lot of rock stars, particularly frontmen (Gerard, Billie, Pete, etc) there's very much a narrative of "They USED to be mentally ill/an addict and their life was horrible and soooo bad but they took some pills and went to therapy and they're all better now and happier than ever!". And then they do the same thing over and over.

Also, the book is mostly real and life doesn't really have an ending, especially not a satisfying one, and when you're writing a book or screenplay or whatever they have certain beats you have to hit-- like the book had to have a climax and resolution of some kind, but life doesn't.

He did not do many interviews about it at all, only like 3, but he also said this about the structure and the writing process:

“It is [a work of fiction.] I wrote this maybe five years ago, I wrote this kind of story, and I started editing it with this real book company, and they were like, yeah, it’s gotta actually have a narrative, or else, it’s not linear, people can’t understand it. So I put it in this world that makes sense to me, you know, aspiring band, growing up in Chicago. It was an interesting process.” 

"I had been working on it for six years outside the band. But that was a hard process, the editing. It was hard and just vastly different than I thought it was going to be. I was watching the Girls finale, and Lena Dunham is on the phone with her agent. He says, “It needs to be turned in,” and she says, “Or else what happens?” and he says, “Or else they sue you.” And she’s, like, “I need to write a book in a day.” That summed up that process."

"When I was writing, there wasn’t the context that it was going to be a narrative. As soon as you write something you think, “Wow, this really makes sense to me.” Then, my editors and agent were telling me, people can’t follow it. "

(Also, I'm not just googling all this right now, I started writing an insane dissertation about it 6 months ago and it got so long and convoluted and insane I decided to stop, so I have all these in my notes)

[icharchivist]

oof a little tmi but i can’t help thinking about it (general depression mention under cut, fandom related, sorta, mostly about personal feelings about a3 with a sprinkle of "thoughts started by ff15")

my desire to replay ff15 came from how, i’ve been feeling extremely emotionally numb those past few months and having an emotional response to one of the tragic scene of the game made me realize this game could provoke at least the feeling of Sadness, which would be welcomed to feel again.

And idk if it’s because it opened the dam but ever since i did that i keep thinking about a3 again, which i’ve mostly managed to not think too deeply about again since the English server closed and it makes me cry on the spot thinking about it. I’ve been listening to the a3 songs consistently and yet recently doing so makes it very easy for tears to come out, and i genuinely can’t listen to any songs that came out more recently (basically since the second batch of solo) because they fill me with so much emotions i cannot process

but compared to ff15 where i was “wow! sadness! so cool let’s go again!” everytime i’m feeling something about a3 again i’m feeling extremely distraught. 

I think eventually it really shows the power of catharsis through tragedy, because ff15′s sadness coming from this “the characters have a horrible fate and it only makes the happy moments more tender” means i’m focusing a lot on the grief and knowing it’s going to be taken away from me, but so, i can manage expectation a little bit more.

But thinking about going back to a3, which i’ve been toying with because i miss this whole cast so much, is genuinely making me unwell to think about and makes me want to cry, because those intense emotions are so different from just the catharsis of tragedy.

a3 makes me feel a lot of things because it’s probably the best achieved story of found family i’ve really been into, and with the course of the two years i had played it, where the events happened in real time then as to see the characters grow, it really felt like a home. Like all of them left in me this feeling of, they’re family, they’re a piece of me. And losing that, to some aspect, has been extremely shaking, and i’ve already mentioned i have a hard time thinking about switching to the JPN server or catching up to the story there because  after those months of just, growing with them at the same pace at them, the idea of binging 5 years of content is making me unwell. 

But also, about how much of what makes me emotional about a3 is the journey through healing. It sets up tragedies for the characters to overcome, and then they show the healing journey, and it takes a very, very long time, with the acknowledgement healing isn’t linear, isn’t easy, but is always worth it. 

And i feel like i’m at a point of my depression where this idea is genuinely distressing to me, and considering how deeply i relate to some of the charas with the most complicated arc on that level, it terrifies me DLKFJDLKJDFKLFD part of me is terrified to see how they end up moving forward from their pain because i don’t know how to do that.

And worst of all, a3 leaves me yearning awfully. This whole way to have such a special thing, a special relationship like that, the idea of a place to feel at home at and safe healing at without being completely alone, to be understood, is making me yearn so much it makes me ache beyond measure.

And i miss a3 so much, and i want to come back to it so much, but the moment i think about it for two minutes, i end up crying in a very distraught way that isn’t at all the emotional relief just tragedy can give.

So weirdly enough it is making me think more about the appeal of tragedy, of how sadness is just “what if it could have been better, what if i could fix it”, the acknowledgement of pain without having to make the hard work to see it through. And in itself, it’s a good first step if only to stay out of numbness.

but i didn’t expect it to open the dam again and now i’m wondering how much of this numbness is a reaction to losing the a3en server or at least just, long term consequences of it, it’d track, trying to protect myself from the pain of losing something important

and i knOW it sucks because being this emotionally attached to a gacha is really no good, but also, they’re my little guys. They’re my buddies. They’re my friends and my family.  

At least the fact i feel this strongly about it means at least i won’t feel guilt for the insane “i bought the whole cast in plushies” endeavor i took last year. I usually let them on the sofa to decorate since, yknow, 24+ plushies, but i’ve brought Sakuya back in my room when it’s time to sleep because it’s my son and i love him so much and i wish i could hug him non stop.

... Post that is brought to you by “i rewatched Sakuya’s 1st SSR backstage yesterday because i needed his reaction to seeing Izumi cry and it made me cry so fucking hard” and “i wanted to listen to a Sakuya song because it’s my SON but then My Dictionary and Monologue came in my mind and i cried so fucking hard out of nowhere now i’m scared to even open the a3 playlist and perhaps i should not listen to any music right now do not touch me”

I fucking miss a3 so fucking hard man, i say it a lot, but trust me, sometimes i feel like it comes out as "i just say it for the 5 a3 accounts that still somehow follow me, as a justification and apology" but it's genuinely a cry from the heart when i say that. I miss it so, so damn much, and i also can't touch it at all because it's genuinely destroying me emotionally to touch it again. I want it back in my life but i also just feel despair at the idea of getting it back. I just wish it had never left at all, that would have been easier.

Talk about insane media experience. man. I miss my sons so fucking much.

[babygirlstuff]

Everytime i get out of a relationship, i get out with a clear mind and a heart at ease. I get out of a breakup knowing quite well that my partner will regret doing me wrong and will most definitely regret giving me up. And that's not ego, no. That's due to knowing what i do bring to the table, what i offer in a relationship. Cause when im in one, i tend to give my absolute all. Literally my extreme all. What can one say, people call me stupid for it, but i disagree cause it's my love language, if i love you im gonna give you my all and i wont hold back and that's it as easy and as simple as that. I know maybe it's not right, well mostly for me. But, i do bring sth sooo rare to the table that i know for a fact it legit would be so hard to find again in one's lifetime. I'm no angel, i make mistakes too. But, at least i always try to do good, not just pretend that i am. I always admit to my mistakes and own up to the consequences and try my best to make up for it. At least im genuine and honest. At least I'm so tender and forgiving that i always try to be understanding with everyone even the ones that hurt me the most, even the ones that threatened my safety. I forgive those who seek forgiveness. I forgive those who try to work on themselves, cause i know how hard it is already. I know how harsh the world gets, i don't need to be harsh too. If i have the chance to spread some kindness out in the world, then why tf wouldn't i? People always scold me for having such trait and they always try to have me change it, they always call me names like stupid or naive. But, that's not the case. Your wisdom isn't about gatekeeping yourself when someone might hurt you or your feelings, your wisdom is knowing that you can handle it when they do, it's knowing and realizing that it's not your fault that they hurt you and knowing that they don't define your worth neither does their mistakes. I won't change who i am so i can match some trauma response people have normalized, and don't get me wrong, im not judging. To each their own way to find peace, and that's mine. Not letting anything or anyone change this about me, brings me peace. Knowing how rare i am or at least how rare my love is, brings me absolute peace. That's cause valuing yourself rlly gets you to appreciate your qualities and opens your eyes to what you give out. I'm happy and very content to state that I'm proud of myself for making it that far in my life without changing that part about myself regardless of all the traumatic experiences I've been through. I'm proud of myself for being real no matter how hard being genuine can be. I'm so content with what I'm doing that it's absolutely bringing me self love along the way and i haven't felt like this in a really long time. I'm happy that my inner child is finally on a healing pathway. But make no mistake, don't forget healing isn't linear and that's okay.

[nativehueofresolution]

doctor & river, gwen & mary jane for the duo bingo

under the cut bc this got very long lol

doctor and river

in theory i get the appeal of this ship. i love non-linear storytelling, and a lot of elements of their dynamic (the doctor being attracted to someone but not fully trusting them, having a relationship so devoted it becomes unhealthy) are present in doctor/clara, which as you know is like my gold standard of ships. but for me the execution falls flat in some really frustrating ways.

i really liked the ten and river episodes because the one-sidedness of their relationship was part of the tragedy of the story. even some of the early eleven and river episodes were fun for me - i love the faux older woman/younger man dynamic to their flirting. but the longer the their relationship went on the more i got so frustrated with how cruel and thoughtless the doctor was towards river, who continued to be devoted to him. river's stuck in prison for supposedly murdering him? he takes her out for trips, so what's the big deal! river is clearly distraught the doctor 'put her on a shelf' at the library? he's going to just pretend he can't see her. i enjoy when they argue and river gets to call him out, but the resolution never sticks the landing for me, because the doctor always goes right back to treating her like an afterthought. their last episode is particularly frustrating because it points out many of the ways the doctor did river wrong and shows that she genuinely never believed he really loved her for the majority of their relationship, but it still ends on them as a loving couple with a long last night together, where i suppose we can imagine they worked things out but we don't to see any of that. it's just too much for me, i don't want to see river with someone who doesn't properly value her.

gwen and mj

i adore them with a passion that only comes from having to constantly remind fans and certain creators who want to pit women against one another that these two were dear friends. 💕💕

these two are fun on a lot of levels - i mean first off, their banter is fantastic, and i find friendly rivalry to be a fun dynamic. they also are the right mix of similar (witty, ambitious, and party loving) and different (studious and romantic gwen to free-spirited and rarely serious mj) so as to have really fun back and forth. to me they hit a really nice balance of clearly enjoying one another's company while also being a little competitive for some spice. vitriolic best buds is a fun trope when done right but it can occasionally get too mean spirited, and i never felt like that was the case with gwen and mj. for example the issue with flash's going away party - they both get annoyed when the other one is the center of attention and try to one up each other on the dance floor, but it's also clear there's no real ill will because you also see mj effusively compliment gwen's eye for design and gwen being comfortable enough with mj to have her help with hosting duties. they trade barbs about trying to get rid of one another, but they also hang out on their own all the time. it's cute! and it just makes the serious moments where they do call one another a close friend to be even sweeter.

i also love how mj is just as deeply devastated by gwen's loss as peter is. the way gwen's death reshapes the entire world of spidey is so interesting, and the entire trajectory of mj's journey towards being a more vulnerable and loving person really hinges on how she reacted to losing gwen. aside from her first appearance, mj's most iconic moment - choosing to stay with peter the night gwen dies - comes about because grieving with peter is more important to her than avoiding the pain of relationships. i personally am more interested in them as friends because i really like the idea of showing the multiple ways people grieved gwen - peter as her lover, flash as someone who had unrequited feelings for her, mj as her best friend, harry as someone who grew up with her, etc. totally understand people who want to go in a romantic direction, just not where i go. i like the idea that mj's platonic love of gwen doesn't automatically outweigh her romantic love of peter. sins past is garbage, but i do really like the idea that mj would keep a secret of gwen's from peter even after they were married and gwen was dead because she took her role as gwen's confidant that seriously.