#it’s a proper thick spider as well not one of those spindly ones

[greatestwizardofthisage]

google how to get rid of arachnophobia in 1 hour because there’s a spider in your room and you’re now too scared to sleep in there until it’s gone but it keeps hiding so now you think it’ll be easier to just move out

[funkymeihem-fiction]

My Lovely Assistant- Chapter 7 (Junkenstein Meihem)

The Adlersbrunn natives could do little but stare in shock, at first. The strange jiangshi didn’t really cut an imposing figure, with her short height and stocky build; but the exotic eastern design of her robes, the odd hopping way in which she moved, and the long glinting whites of her pointy teeth all proved to be more than enough to give the crowd pause. She sternly faced them down, disapproval still written on her features. Her gaze mostly remained on the Engineer, still laying moaning in the mud where she had obliterated him with one hit, lifting one black claw to waggle it back and forth. “I’m sorry about that, but you were being very rude!” Dr. Junkenstein, his nose still oozing blood, draped his lanky mud-coated body around her, clutching at her covetously and nuzzling his cheek down into her hair. “See?! Just kicked your arse straight out! This is my girl! This is my girl and she’s amazing! Look at her! Just look at her! That’s right, I get to make it with the most lovely lady with the softest-” “Oooh-kay! Okay! Okay, thank you, doctor.” She waved both hands frantically to shush him as he swayed to one side. “But I’m just here to…check on things.” She gently straightened him up once again, the center of her pupils flashing red as she turned upon Lord Balderich next. “And you must be the Lord of Adlersbrunn?” The gigantic man was nearly twice her height, frowning as he looked upon her. Still, to his credit, he straightened the stiff cloth around his throat and stepped forward, shielding the crowd behind him. “And you must be Junkenstein’s newest abomination he was speaking of earlier…” “My name is Mei-Ling Zhou. And you are not being very nice, to me or the doctor!” “Do not seek to lecture me, creature. I will not tolerate foul or unnatural things within my kingdom. As I told your creator, and now you…Leave. Take that despicable man with you. Or you give me no choice, I will have you both destroyed. This is the only chance I will give you.” The Lord of the castle pointed one thick finger towards the gates far across the main courtyard. “I am not a creature and he is not a despicable man!” She glowered back at him, the dots on her cheeks expanding as her cheeks puffed angrily. “I know he is an odd man- maybe even a little mad, yes. But he’s a brilliant man. He’s shown me the things he’s made for you. They are amazing! How could you not be proud of that? He can make anything work. How can you see these wondrous things made for you and your kingdom, and think so little of him? I think you’re very lucky to have such a mind working for you, and it’s sad that you’re wasting it with your nonsense. He’s brilliant! And he’s bold, and loyal, and resourceful, and he perseveres through any-” “BbbBllLloooaarrrghhh!” Behind her, the doctor abruptly bent double, hands on his knees as his stomach hurled up the sickening remains of too much beer and too few snacks. Mei closed her eyes briefly, cringing a bit. “And…I am going to take him home now.”

“You will take him out of my gates and far away from my land. If you make one more step toward my holdings with that man, creature, I will be forced to act. Last. Warning…” Lord Balderich’s voice lowered to a dangerous, almost thunderous tone. There was a loud clicking sound from somewhere behind her. The Engineer had recovered and was now bearing a large, clumsy, but very dangerous-looking gun of some kind that she had never seen before. Mei’s eyes darted, flashing in the dim evening light as there was the faint rattle of metal from behind Lord Balderich, the villagers suddenly bristling with weaponry. Why they had so many weapons at a party, she was not entirely sure, but she took a step back to rejoin the doctor’s side. The village folk seemed a little too prepared and eager for her liking, and even her leaping couldn’t outpace a bullet. And Dr. Junkenstein was barely in a state to walk, much less maneuver away from the forming mob. She spread both arms and moved back as if to shield him, baring her teeth as the nubs of her fangs lengthened into near sabers. Lord Balderich looked neither impressed nor amused. “You’re out of time, creature. You and your creator-” “I told you, he is not my creator and I’m not his creature!” Mei snarled, before suddenly pointing past the crowd that was forming around them. “They are.” A massive shape, even larger than Lord Balderich himself, rose up from nowhere in the quickly darkening shadows behind the crowd. The Monster reared up to higs full, massive height, grotesque features shaking and thick saliva spattering from his mouth across the screaming crowds as he bellows a guttural roar. One massive arm, as wide as a tree trunk, went sweeping forward, knocking down bodies like bowling pins before him. At the same time, the Scarecrow’s lanky form hurtled itself from one of the parapets of the castle’s rooftops, bounding across gutters and sending shingles flying before it landed with an inaudible rustle next to Mei and the doctor. Pressing both thumbs to where its ears would have been, it wiggled its spindly fingers in a mocking way at one of the village ladies nearby, who screamed in a very dramatic way and shoved her husband in front of her as a shield. The Engineer’s gun went off with a boom and Mei lunged in front of the doctor, shoving him out of the way as it hit her instead. The bullet vanished into her as she staggered. Her crane-embroidered robes were ripped apart on the front, burning from the massive chunk of molten burning red metal that was lodged in her soft chest, the threads charring and twisting and her flesh separating as the fiery bullet lodged itself deep into her ribcage instead of his. Her body, smaller than the others, shuddered from the impact and she was sent stumbling back and falling into Junkenstein’s arms, red and black liquid oozing from the gruesome wound. Junkenstein was still trying to make sense of the things that were happening around him. It was all happening so fast. Too fast, really. His senses were still reeling and everything felt like it was underwater. He hadn’t appreciated Balderich’s orders to exile him and he’d probably said some words about it, then his lovely jiangshi had stepped in to defend him, and now the other monsters were here too, the villagers were attacking them and Mei had gotten shot with something or other and…well, at least part of him was sober enough to be ashamed that one of his immediate thoughts was the regret over Mei’s nice robes and even nicer tits getting ruined in such an uncouth way. But those thoughts were very small indeed, especially after seeing the extent of how she’d been hurt, the wound a blurry mess of red and bone. “Mei! Mei, no! I got ya! I’ll fix ya, I’ll get ya better-” He clutched at her, slurring words of concern. But to his surprise, she completely shrugged him off a moment later. She stood straight, a deep hole almost directly where her heart was, reaching into her own ribs, and her black talons grabbed the chunk of still-hot metal and cast it aside irritably. He squinted at her unevenly, then smiled. “Oh riiiiight, the undead thing! So cute, I forget sometimes that you’re-” Then he was spinning end over end again, as Mei picked him up in both arms and shoved him into the grasp of the Scarecrow, holding him like a blushing bride. His wayward creation seemed just as surprised as he was, and the two stared at each other in a very unnerved way as Junkenstein finally started flailing. “Get offa me!” Mei pointed one bloody claw at the pair. “Get him out of here and activate the defenses in the tower! Go!” People were screaming, scattering in all directions. Gunshots were going off and Lord Balderich’s and the Monster’s bellowing could both be heard above the din. Apparently the two had clashed in some no-doubt magnificent battle of the titans. But Dr. Junkenstein didn’t even get to see it. Mei had bounded off into the fray, and Junkenstein suddenly found himself clinging onto the Scarecrow’s back for dear life as the lanky creature launched itself onto one of the castle walls and began scaling it like a very large, gangly hay-filled spider. The doctor’s arms were clenched in a death grip around the Scarecrow’s neck, no doubt strangling it (If it breathed or could be strangled, anyway) as it climbed higher and higher. “Watch where you’re going, you brainless bag of straw! I never should have-AAUUUGH!” A bullet pinged off the wall near their heads, and Junkenstein squeezed both eyes shut and clung that much tighter, the wind starting to whip at his soiled coattails and sobering him up just enough to realize how madly dangerous this all was. Scarecrow continued its climb, arachnid-like limbs finding every crack and uneven surface as it barely made the leap from castle wall to tower wall. Junkenstein focused on the simple task of not vomiting all over both of them and causing them to slip. And then he was falling, only to land hard on his ass with a rattling crash, when Scarecrow managed to finally squirm inside one of the tower’s high windows. They’d been dumped into one of his lab’s storage closets (Needed to fix that window later, if he had the time) and flailed a bit as he drunkenly tried to extract himself from the pile of scrap wood and buckets he’d been collecting for whatever reason. Scarecrow offered out a gloved hand but Junkenstein ignored it, scrambling past him and throwing open the door, staggering into his labratory proper. Mei and his Monster were still out there, and he wasn’t really sure even their combined strength could hold off the mob and the Engineer’s contraptions for long. They had only one chance for a retreat, and only Junkenstein could give it to them. Limping over to one of the control panels, he desperately began slamming at various buttons, turning cranks, and then reached under the panel proper, to the hidden red button that would set it all off. There was a buzz of electricity and the air became alive, as all the zomnics activated at once. The few zomnic specimens still hovering around his lab suddenly stiffened and shuddered, their eyes lighting up and groaning audibly before starting to stream towards the laboratory gates, out towards the courtyard of his lab…and onto the castle grounds where the sounds of fighting could still be heard. He only hoped they could reach them in time. ***

The Monster had taken the brunt of the mob and the Engineer’s weaponry. His skin was coming off in places it usually didn’t, and one of his knees wasn’t moving properly anymore. He limped heavily, guided by the gentle claws of the jiangshi beside him. She had been faster, but hardly invulnerable, and her robes were ripped and torn, along with the flesh beneath. The blood inside her had been old, and dried quickly, but she was clearly drained and tired. The crowds had scattered as the zomnics had become too thick to ignore, and the two had taken their chance to slip away. The robotic creations hovered slowly past them towards the castle, heading in the opposite direction as they finally reached the tower. With a groan, his face clouded by blood from one eye, the Monster pushed open the door. Inside the lab, they heard the sound of sobbing, and turned the corner to find Dr. Junkenstein hugging onto a very nervous-looking Scarecrow. The drunken doctor uttered a little wail, petting over the straw that poked out of its burlap head, holding the creature against him as it squirmed politely for an escape route. Sniffling wetly, Junkenstein mashed his teary face against its cheek, still intent on holding the emotional embrace. “You’re not the failure! You never were the failure!” he sobbed noisily, “I took it out on you because I thought I was the failure! It’s not your fault!” The Scarecrow patted him gently in a ‘there there’ sort of way before making another lunge to flee. Junkenstein yanked it back before it could. “I love you, mate! No, not even my mate… You’re my son! You’re my sooooon!” Mei lifted a hand to her mouth with a little “Oh!” Her brows furrowing as if touched by the dramatics of the scene before her, folding her claws over her heart. “Awwwww!” The Monster stared for a moment before grunting and looking away, clearly disgusted. Dr. Junkenstein was momentarily distracted by their arrival, and Scarecrow took its chance, finally squiggling its way out its lunatic creator’s embrace and making a swift get-away up one of the nearby pillars. Junkenstein staggered upright, arms out as he made his way over towards Mei and the Monster, adjusting his goggles as he examined them both. “Blimey, you two could do with a bit of a touch-up. Where’s the-HCCK” He hiccuped noisily. “Th’ needle n’ thread, I’ll get right to work on ya-” Mei shook her head quickly, going to position herself under the doctor’s arm and helping hold him upright. “Oh! Oh no, doctor, I think we’ll be all right for now. At least until you’re a bit more…um, clear-headed? I think we all just need to go take a nice sit down while we make sure the tower’s secure.” She paused to give a worried look towards the battered Monster, whispering a quick “Will you be all right?” and receiving a thumbs up in return. Tugging at the doctor’s hand, she started to lead him towards the stairs. “Why don’t we just-” There was a noise and a sudden brilliant light from one of Junkenstein’s lab tables. An orb shape, covered with a stained tablecloth, was pulsing on and off, glowing yellow. “That’ll be her, then,” the doctor said unhappily, wrinkling his pointed nose. “Here, lemme talk to her! I got a lot t’say!” “Who?” “The Witch of the Wilds, that is. She gave me some sort of ball thing so we can talk to each other. Threw a thing on it because I swear it’s watchin’ me.” “Why don’t you let me say hello to her first? It would be so nice to talk to her again.” Mei kept a hand on his chest, keeping him at bay as he went for the orb. The doctor was still stumbling drunk from whatever they’d been giving him and none of them were in particularly good shape, but she still pasted a smile on her face as she pulled the sheet from the shimmering yellow orb and curiously tapped it a few times. She startled a bit as a shape coalesced inside the glass, solidifying into the Witch’s visage, who looked a little surprised. “Mei-Ling? Is that you? Ah, it’s so good to see you again! Lovely to see that the doctor’s plans worked and have you back with us. Though I do wonder…Are all the doctor’s plans currently on track? I’m rather wondering why the defense systems have been activated, why there are zomnics swarming your position, and why the castle is currently locked down and the people are arming themselves?…” Mei rubbed the back of her head a bit. “It’s really nice to be back. I’m really looking forward to your visit, too! It’s just, there have been some…complications?” “Dear, you have a bit of-” The Witch gestured to her chin and teeth, and Mei realized that both of them were stained red. She scrubbed at it with her sleeve quickly. “Sorry! Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry. We had a bit of trouble earlier. The doctor was summoned to a party, and he says that the Lord of the castle was giving him drinks and asking him questions and he may have said some things-” Junkenstein’s voice sounded from somewhere behind her, whining, “Don’t tell her that, it’ll make me look bad! What she don’t know won’t hurt ‘er!” The Witch put a hand over her face. “I don’t know what they gave him, but he’s a little out of his mind now, so I’m taking messages for him!” the jiangshi smiled nervously, flecks of blood still caught between her teeth. “And don’t worry! The defenses are keeping everyone here safe. That Engineer was a lot tougher than I thought he was, and there were so many people so, we grabbed the doctor and managed to get home. Um. What…should I do?” “Well, I suppose this is just as well. My associates have been getting a little bored lately, and with this happening so suddenly, Balderich won’t be able to summon his allies so quickly. We may actually be able to make this work out. For now, you should-” Junkenstein suddenly popped into view, falling onto Mei from above and resting his head on her hat. “Hiiii!” “Yes, hello Dr. Junkenstein, it’s nice to see you-” The Witch continued smoothly, as Mei hurriedly pushed him back out of view. “For now, you should bolster the defenses whilst I get everything else in place. No use scolding anyone while they’re not in the state for it, hm? For now, stay inside and take care of things as best you can in that madhouse. You look like you’ve had a bit of a rough night, yourself. And please sober the doctor up before I get there, he tends to ramble.” Mei adjusted her glasses and glanced back at Junkenstein, who was now laying spread-eagled on the dirty floor and rambling already. “Honestly! Honestly, Mei, sweetie pie, you should try this. No lie, laying on the ground like this is the best time I’ve had on a long while. Mei, c’mere, try this! Meeeiiii!” The Witch half-lidded her eyes. “This is why I keep a no-drinking policy on my servants, I swear.” Mei gave an apologetic little shrug of her shoulders. “I’ll make sure everything gets in order. Including him. I’ll make sure there’s tea and snacks for everyone too. Oh, please ask the Reaper if the pumpkin cookies offended him, were those okay? And I’ll get some of that coffee he likes. I hope everyone has a safe trip! Zài jiàn, bye bye!” “Mei-Ling, you are entirely the best and I wish you were mine. I wish you luck, it does sound like you’ll need it. Ta-ta!” And with that, the orb’s light flickered as the image faded away. With a sigh and a little wince, Mei grumbled and rubbed at her wounded chest before turning back to Junkenstein still sprawling on the floor. With a little huff, she leaned down and scooped him up, throwing him over her shoulder. It didn’t really work out as planned, his immense lanky height simply leaving him with his foot and peg still dragging on the ground as she started to waddle off with him.

“Oi! What’s the idear?!” he groaned. “You’re covered in mud, blood, and less than pleasant things, doctor. You’re taking a bath while I check on a few things for you, yes?” “All right, point there. I’m rotten, both booze wise and smelly-wise. How about after I’m clean, we uh…You’re looking a bit rough, darl. Not in a bad way! But how about we um, you could give me a kiss? Make you feel better? Least I can give, eh? Gold star for you, love, world’s best assistant.” He smiled blearily at her as she paused. “Won’t go off in my pants this time, promise. Ugh, look at those little dots on your cheeks, on your face, I love your faaaace.” She hesitated, batting his hands away from her cheeks before continuing on. “Well, I could use…a little… Well, why don’t we talk about that after we’re both cleaned up and you don’t smell like a sewage pipe anymore?” That seemed to content him for now, draping himself limply back over her squat little shoulder as his feet dragged and bumped up every step. “Yeah! Yeah, kisses from my Mei! I’m gonna get so good and clean for you, my little bean bun. I’m gonna use the flowery-type soap and everything.” “Wh-You’re supposed to use that every time!” With an exasperated sigh, she continued to drag him off towards the baths.

[daddyimmaru]

It is so terribly dark. He isn't, no- illuminated in brilliant blue, red sparkling at the edges of his vision, his head thumpthumpthump-ing with overshot senses. He glows, lights up a small area among the pitch surrounding him. The air is so impossibly heavy, smog that flooded his lungs and made him choke, waving his hands around his face in a vain effort to clear his nose. The ground rumbles, shakes and sends him tumbling with the grace of a faun while he coughs into his arm and slants his eyes against the burning smoke. Something moves through the darkness, the area alights with reds and blues- eight eyes stare down at him, huge, looming like moons, lighting like suns until he has to close his eyes entirely to stop the pain of keeping them open. "Michael," it hisses, a spindly leg coated in fur hitting the ground nearby and sending shocks through the dirt. The smog feels impossibly heavy, his skull pounding until he cradles his head in his hands and cries out. "What do you want?!" Those eyes burn brighter, until even closing his eyes is agony, and he paws at his face in an attempt to hide from the all-seeing light. "Michael-!"

He jolts, waking up with a strangled gasp. The air is clear, no longer choking on each breath. Sweat makes his skin sticky, the sheets clinging to his frame while his hands tangle in the blanket and refuse to let go. The fabric is suffocating, and he writhes against it until something cooler makes contact with his exposed shoulders and four glowing eyes peer curiously from around him. "Michael?" It doesn't reverberate, doesn't echo through his brain until it splits- no, it's just Matthew, all tired eyes and concerned frown. Maestro knows he must make quite the sight, chest heaving while he tears the blanket apart with his hands, but the Kraken only scoots closer and rests one hand against his leg in a soft motion. "Please-" he doesn't know what he's asking for, only that he buckles under the buzzing in his skull and crumbles forward until he's cradled like an oversized baby against the villain. No words are shared, not yet, as he grounds himself with the villain's presence. Cold metal cocoons around his frame, and Matthew is a warm contrast that smells faintly of something like cinnamon, and he sucks in a few more breaths until his heart stops thundering so loud. There is no smoke, no legs or eyes that glitter like suns above him. Just Matthew, who's running soft fingers through his hair and rocking them slowly back and forth.

It takes a moment, but the spider settles slowly until his breathing slows and his sticky fingers ease against his partner's chest. They remain that way for a minute longer, until Michael can sit up without support and untangle his legs from the sheets. "'M sorry," his voice catches in his throat, strangled and dry while he runs his hands over his face. "Don't see that often." He earns a curious hum in response to the words, Kraken pulling himself up into proper sitting and rubbing at his eyes with a yawn. "You jump off buildings for fun. What could'a spooked you?" The hero hesitates, chewing at his lip while reaching the water bottle on the nightstand. 'Oh, god is a spider that judges my sins and looms in my nightmares' doesn't feel like the proper explanation, though no matter how he spun it, it would only sound ridiculous. "You'd laugh. It's stupid." He downs half the bottle before pausing to take a breath, and a metal arm laid comfortably over his lap when he used the back of his hand to wipe his mouth. "No, I wouldn't. Unless it's something really stupid." Michael snorted, shaking his head and watching his dreads fall by his eyes.

"Uh. I dunno how to explain it that well. It's always really dark- I'm not. I like, glow, but everything is covered in this really thick smoke, and I'm always suffocating from it." He fiddles with one section of the metal claw, its red eye peering back up at him. "Then it shows up. I think it's some like, all powerful god or something. There's all these glowing eyes, 'n they're so bright, and it's got these huge legs," it's ironic, how the spiderman was so terrified of a spider. "And it speaks to me, and it shows me things. Sometimes it just shows up and stares at me, or tells me what to do. Sometimes it shows me mistakes I've made, or warns me about the future. It usually just says my name, over and over- it uses different voices, too. It used to be my ma's, then sometimes it's people from my home, or strangers. Sometimes it just sounds like a hiss, or wind or something." He takes another deep breath, sipping at the water and shuddering slightly. "God, I remember when it first showed up. Right after I was bit, I mean. It was there, everytime I closed my eyes, whispering to me. I never slept, always had a migraine, like there was someone else in my skull. Never stopped till I started drowning it out with music, then once I picked up on bein' a hero, it's been real quiet."

He picks at the blanket, waiting for his partner to laugh, and jumps when a hand pats at his shoulder. "I'd pro'lly panic if God-Spider showed up in my dreams, too." Matthew shrugs slightly, before settling back against the mattress and stretching back into a comfortable position. "But if it shows up again, tell it that I'm gonna kick its ass. Wait, does a God-Spider have an ass? Tell it that I'm gonna kick it in general." Michael giggles at that, setting slowly back beside the other. The adrenaline had faded, his heart beating softer now and leaving him in exhaustion after the awakening. Besides, he feels far safer now with two metal arms curled comfortably over his frame and a Kraken to cozy up against.

He dozes again, and doesn't dream of spiders.

((I feel like Michael has dreams about god spider and probably cries a lot because hes a big baby

(( kraken belongs to the wonderful @angerydj