#it’s happenened so many times I’m just like

[schlushiii]

Since creating my zelda oc Linnet ive developed this silly little headcanon that specifically TOTK! Link has this constant disappointed look on his face. Like he could actually be happy but looks like you told the worst dad joke of your life at him.

I guess that’s what losing your arm, ur kingdoms in peril again and ur gf becoming a dragon does to you (￣∀￣)

(oh and I guess also having an idiot very helpful friend tag along with you)

[pierrehodge]

Before the Vibe

I. 1996-2016

A brief overview

-Queens NY

I started writing and recording myself rapping in 1996. I still haven’t listened to that original tape. Though, I bring it with me whenever I move to a new place.

I started making beats in ‘99 with OTS Audio Turntable software combined with Fruity Loops.

My influences at the time were Nas, Big L, Tupac, J Dilla, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, DMX, Master P., Ludacris, 50 Cent, Pharrell, OutKast, The Dungeon Family, Project Pat, Eminem’s Infinite project, Todd Terry, Farley Jackmaster Funk, The Lost Boys, Wu Tang Clan, James Brown, Little Richard, Michael Jackson, Prince, Roxanne Shante, LL Cool J, George Clinton, Louis Armstrong, Frank Sinatra, and random 80’s one hit wonders.

-03’ We moved to NJ

Our grandparents got us a learners keyboard, and a beginners drum set that Christmas.

All of this was happenening while I played basketball year-round on multiple teams traveling all over because I was decent. I got a few college offers but my excuse then was it became a job. Now I would say I didn’t have enough confidence and was straight up petrified on the court. I grew up in Southside and had developed such a tough guy exterior to protect my insecurities that people thought I was cocky but I wasn’t.

I became a sneaker head borderline hypebeast in High school. Started varsity Sophmore year, stayed away from drugs did everything I was told.

-‘08 Took out loans and went to HU

I DJ’d parties and dived deep into audio engineering in while at Hampton for computer science.

I would make beats with Euro P Gold for days at a time.

-‘12 back to NJ

After college, I began freelance audio engineering and producing for acts in Central Jersey, PA and NY. I was always writing and trying to find my voice in my downtime. I became a studio rat. It didn’t feel like I was missing out on too many life milestones because most of the people around me didn’t support my decision to pursue music at that time.

I started out on a conscious mission. I wanted to wake people up... so to speak. Most called me crazy or radical. My white friends for the most part just watch from a far.

I was supposed to be an Afrocentric computer guy working in the diversity group of some tech company. My appetite was a lil too big after being around all those alumni who started their own businesses.

In order to avoid getting kicked out my parents house, I worked random jobs (clothing store, lumber yard, chemical plant, Warehouse, landscaping company, bartending, etc.) and sold beats. Eventually, I realized the US is not for people that look like me. So I have to choose between entrepreneurship or the emotional abuse of corporate. The amount of my peers in the spaces that I’m qualified for was a clear indication that merit, education, and experience goes a long way until the first interview and your not what they expected from the phone conversation.

So I saved enough money to journey to Seattle for the green rush and to find myself in 2013. Became a studio rat out there. Met some really dope and beautiful people. Had some close calls. Picked up some bad karma. You know... Life. But, I really found my sound from a production standpoint and not to mention, I completed my 10,000 hours behind the boards.

Moved to NY in summer 2015.

I found Selim(My ❤️) . (Saving that story for another post) We founded the Love Art Group together. Reconnected with my childhood friend New York Nick and began recording music over soul and jazz samples. My uncle blessed me with a construction job and I took it not knowing what I was getting into. I got into a quarter life crisis about my decisions. But I continued to build my home studio since I had all of the knowledge of room treatments, recording techniques, and my own set of hacks and tricks to get good clean recordings. I would use the feelings and emotions I was going through as material for my songs. I decided at that time I was going to tell my story later on once I was able to develop my own sound.

After work, we would go to open mics to work on my stage presence and try to get a feel of what people like, hated, and loved. Most people were just out supporting their friends. I’m tryna make an impact. Once I got my feel for the stage, I began crafting the right types of beats and subject matters to get the people going.

I became depressed because I wasn’t making the music that I wanted to make and then took that energy and put it into my songs. All that old soul stuff is cool... I just don’t wanna do to much sampling til we get to the 💰.

-My production abilities are ready for a release on major streaming platforms.

I do a bunch of research and check in on culture regularly to make sure I’m ahead of trends and keeping up with what is going on in industry. I have to show my ability to operate outside of it before I can be accepted into it. My friends were ready for something to work out to and my growing conscientious following is ready to get the word. We release Cooning 4 a Check in 2016 to mixed reactions. A lot of people who followed me at that point were disappointed because I used elements of what was going on at the time in music. I even used things that eventually was imitated by mainstream artists. (I’ll revisit C4C in another post.)

That’s when I realized that I’ve become what I set out to be. An Artist. I can’t make everyone happy. As long as I can make them smile, get mad, or cringe, Ive done my job. You can’t hold me to a higher standard than your politicians.

Why do love ones have to hold me to a different standard than the rest of the society though? Asking me questions like why I have to curse so much but they watch Power. These things affected my willingness to come out of my shell. Nevertheless, we are here and I’m starting to open up.

[prettyboiiharringrove]

The Best of the Worst

read on ao3 // everyone thought Billy would be the one to break his heart, but in the end Steve ran out on him, and he’s not sure how to pick up the pieces. He had no intention of seeing Steve any time soon, but the universe had different plans. 

i realize it’s been awhile since i posted anything and this isn’t at all what you guys have been asking for but it just happened so...i don’t know if this is going to turn into anything but please enjoy whatever the fuck is ????

Steve Harrington is the California sun warming his golden skin. He’s the chilled ocean filled with mysterious depth and comforting him, keeping him from drowning himself despite how easy it’d be to just…stop swimming. He’s the nice summer rain soothing his burning, mottled skin. He’s Vaseline on his chapped, frozen lips. He’s a soothing balm on his too big bruises. He’s a warm coat in the harsh Indiana winter. He’s a tissue to wipe his tears in and a safe place to hide.

Steve Harrington is a huge pain in the ass that sticks his cold feet under Billy’s ass and says cruel things without thinking only to pout when he’s apologizing later and cry because he feels so guilty.

Steve Harrington is the absolute fucking worst and Billy misses him like a mangled leg. He’d rather it go septic and poison him than for it to be taken away completely. He realizes that the metaphor is a bit insensitive and he would never say it out loud because he’s a better person now or whatever bullshit — he only changed for Steve and they’re not even together anymore but he can’t find it in himself to go back to being the same old asshole — but a few days ago he had a panic attack so severe he found himself sobbing into the toilet bowl as he emptied the contents of his stomach into it, so it feels accurate.

He doesn’t like being this dependent on someone, he knows it’s probably not healthy and definitely pathetic, but he still loves Steve and it’s fucking killing him.

Steve calls him. Billy’s heart is pounding in his chest and he thinks he might be sick again but he has to hear his voice.

“What do you want?” He growls, voice rough from too many cigarettes and even more panicked breaths. It’s not what he means to say. I’m sorry, I should have gone with you, please come home, I love you.

“Something’s happened to Max.”

It’s not the first thing he expects to hear out of Steve’s mouth, it’s certainly not what he wants to hear, but it’s all he needs to hear to pull out his laptop and start looking up plane tickets to get him back to Hawkins.

“What?!”

“I-it’s bad Billy, I mean like sh-she’s fine, or she will be but like, fuck it’s bad.”

“Just tell me what happenen!!”

“I…she told me – fuck you just need to get here.”

Billy doesn’t say anything, just mindlessly types away at the keys, crossing his fingers that there’s a flight to Indiana tonight and praying that he’s got enough money in his bank account to get it.

“Look I know you said you’d never come back here,” if Billy weren’t so concerned – and so desperate to hear Steve’s voice – he’d probably correct Steve, point out that they both agreed to leave it behind them. For fuck’s sake, until five minutes ago Billy thought he was in Florida, or that maybe he’d fucked off to New York like they’d talked about; Steve always said the one thing he missed about Hawkins, other than his collection of freaks for friends, was having a White Christmas.

“Steve,” he whispers, trying to cut him off, trying to assure him that he’ll be there soon; he’d be there in a heartbeat if he could.

“And I know that I lied to you, and I left you behind, and I really fucked up – ”

“Steve,” Billy presses, hoping he might start listening.

“Like I know you’re really happy without me, and you’re finally home, and I’m like the last person you want to see, I mean you probably fucking hate me but – ”

“Fuck’s sake Harrington, will you shut the fuck up?!” Billy barks and Steve gasps, finally tuning in. Billy sighs into the receiver.

“Max’s really needs you man…” Steve practically whispers those last few words and Billy leans back against his headboard, brushing a hand through his messy hair. He needs to have it cut again; he forgot that Steve’s the one who normally makes his hair appointments.

“If you would have just took a breath and listened, you’d know that I already bought a ticket, man,” Billy rolls his eyes and Steve chuckles because he knows that Billy doesn’t like when Steve calls him that. Steve thinks it’s a stupid thing to get annoyed about, and Billy’s cute when he’s annoyed, so he never really stopped doing it. Billy feels a warmth bubble up in his chest at Steve’s brief little burst of laughter. It’s the only thing that’s sheltered him from the lingering, phantom cold brewing and burrowing around him while he’s been alone.

“When are you coming?” Steve’s voice turns serious again and somehow Billy knows he’s chewing his lip and probably playing with the hem of his shirt nervously.

“I should be there by 2AM, it’s  the only one I could afford. You mind picking me up?” Billy half expects him to hang up, or maybe send Hopper or Tommy, or even Wheeler if it means he doesn’t have to face Billy. He patiently, but nervously, awaits his ex-lover’s answer.

“Yeah, o-of course, whatever you need,” he’s surprised to hear the shock and hope in Steve’s voice.

“Yeah, uh, cool thanks Stevie, I guess I should pack then, huh?”

“Yeah probably. So…I’ll let you go then,” Billy finds it oddly satisfying that Steve doesn’t seem to want to hang up. Truthfully, he never wants to put his phone down. He wants to listen to Steve’s voice until he passes out.

“I’m not happy here, not without you,” he whispers, thinking Steve’s already hung up. “And God knows I could never hate you, trust me, I’ve tried…” all the things he’s thought to say to Steve, he’s whispered hopelessly into the dark knowing Steve will never hear; he assumes these are just more of his unheard confessions.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers and Billy nearly chokes, at the sound of his voice. He didn’t mean to say those things to Steve, to force him to put up with more useless feelings. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“It felt like you did,” Billy answers with far more honesty than he’d like. “You killed me Steve.”

“I didn’t mean to, I-I loved, I love you Billy.”

Billy freezes. Steve’s never said it before; he was too afraid of falling into a trap of more bullshit, whatever the fuck that means. Everything feels like bullshit these days.

“K-keep an eye on Max for me, okay? It’d mean a lot to me. I’ll see you soon.”

Billy hangs up without waiting for a response. Steve’s words don’t bring a comfort or warmth he always thought they would. It’s too late, he’s been alone for too long. It hurts. Steve’s words are a noose tightening around his neck more and more with each breath and he just knows that if he says those four words – I love you too – it’ll be fatal; those words are the stool keeping him standing and saying them will kick it right out from under him.

[myvelouri]

So I went out briefly, saw a few fireworks, yea I like fireworks actually. They were pretty. It's humid as fuck out here though so I got my trusty beanie. It's always in my pocket. But yeah, no real anything going on. I asked a few friends, but I'm too... I don't know... Out of energy, not physical energy, some kind of energy, I'm too out of it to go drive down to the beach and all that EVEN THOUGH I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO AND MEET MY CUTE ASS FRIEND AND WATCH AMAZING FIREWORKS. lol.

I got work tomorrow anyways. But damn. I blame a lot on depression, but it's truly the driving force in everything I want to do. It takes control, it's fucked. Honestly. I feel possessed by it.

Ugh anyway. A lots happenened recently. Oh yeah my "crush" if you can even call it that, pretty much leaves me on read and is out with other people. She made a post saying if anyone ever needs someone to talk to she's open for anyone. She said she felt down. I messaged her and she left it on read. How messed up. I guess I'm too subhuman to be part of the included "anyone can message me." It sucks. It sucks also because I liked her already and out of nowhere she actually DM'd me, we talked forever. It was going great. Idk what happened. She actually didn't follow me, so like, I don't know if she forgot to or if on purpose. Like duh I noticed because I like her. There's a little more that happened and all but that's got me really upset overall

Then the shit that happened recently.

I just want to be happy. I used to be like, one of the sought after ppl in my family, as in, the really funny one, cute one, everyone's favorite, everyone wanted to be around me, I'd find ways to impress everyone and they'd totally love me. I have a huge family. Relatives. All that. Yeah. But this was all before I had depression. So. After depression, I can't be that person anymore. I used to be so "popular" for lack of a better term. But I was happy because I was able to actually enjoy being stupid, dumb, goofy, clever, mischevious, cute, a smart ass, intelligent, quick. All that. And they all saw me as really talented because I was a really great artist. Guess what? After depression, I don't even draw anymore. I can't. It's so hard to find the enjoyment. It feels like a chore. Just imagine that. Doing something you ACTUALLY FUCKING WANT TO DO feels like a -CHORE.-

Yeah. It's depression. It's not bEiNg sAd AlL tHe tImE. No, it comes with a huge varying detrimental pack of bullshit "side effects"

I used to enjoy playing video games. I WAS a gamer. And I was for some Reas insanely good at videos games, shooters and such. Multiplayer games. Everyone would come to me to beat a level or kick someone's ass. And I did it. Idk how. I actually truly enjoyed it. I remember my brain activity being really high when I was engaged in anything I did. Whereas now I can't even pay attention when I put in the most effort. What a fucking waste. My brain was awesome, such a fucking waste. I feel like depression was bound to happen to me though. I was treated like shit way more than I wasn't in my life.

But yeah I wish I could enjoy games. Sadly I suck at them now. It's awful. My brain freezes up and I'm so slow. I can't play competitively at all. And mind you I played professional with a whole team when I was younger. Its all gone now. Whenever people would watch me play they would get so impressed by my moves, my clutch moments, me taking on multiple people at once when it seemed like I was done for. I made many friends online too, people were so impressed. There was one time when this person was so impressed that I got their account. I was swapping accounts with them for a reason, and I regret that completely. I basically scammed the person that trusted me. I regret that so bad, but I tried to give the account back multiple times, but there was no info for that person. The way it was set up. I can't believe that happened. I feel so bad about that. I just wanted that person that looked up to me to get their account back. It's awful. I can only blame it on being really fucking young and stupid. I was still an impulsive teenager. But goddamn that still makes me feel so so bad. This was so long ago.

Ahh I'm making myself feel terrible.

But I imagine if I still enjoyed playing games, I'd probably be way more active, have more friends. Lmao would I be a twitch bitch? Hahaha. Who knows.

[jstabe]

✨ get to know my wip challenge ✨

I was tagged by @1000-directions and this is a thing that has never happened before so here’s hoping for the best. As usual, I have a bunch of WIPs so I’m going to focus on my current favorite. It’s a Bucky/Clint/Steve.

1. what’s your fave thing about writing your current wip?

Hmm. I think I'm enjoying it because I quit writing for a looooong time. And even though I'm back into it, I still feel rusty so my stuff has been one-shot fics. Mostly porn. Which I very much enjoy writing. But this one actually has some plot and things are happenening and it's fun. I haven't done anything like this in a while and it feels good to stretch that writing muscle out.

2. have you got a name yet / what’s your process for finding one?

Nope! 99% of the time the title is the last thing that comes to me. I usually try to find a title from some bit that is in the fic, or just something that reminds me of the fic itself. I'm terrible at naming things, though, so this is always the worst part for me.

3. is there a scene you’re stuck on?

Not yet? This one kinda popped into my brain as a one-shot but then Bucky refused to cooperate so here we are. I have a lot of scenes that I'm actually writing out of order as they occur and then I'll have to make them sync up. Sometimes it's the bridge between the scenes that gets me. Like how do I get them from A to B when I've already done A to Z?

4. is there a scene you can’t wait to write

Yes! Which is another odd thing. I tend to write everything in a straight line. Like I might see the end of fic and then have to plan how to get there, but when I sit down to write, I do it from beginning to end, even if I saw the end first. That isn't the case with this story. But I've gotten so many little scenes that seem to be coming out easier than the bad ass Clint scene I have in my head. We'll get there, Hawkeye, I promise!

5. what’s your process when you get stuck? are you rational or do you flip your metaphorical writing desk and storm out?

I absolutely flip tables and storm out dramatically, and then I cry on my Ely's shoulder and she talks me down. She always listens to my ranting and helps me unravel the strings so I can get going again.

Okay. I’m supposed to tag some people to do this, but I think I’ll just ask anyone to play that wants to.

[joonie-beanie]

Um actually I get wet so many times a day that my underwear is uh... I'm sorry I'm being nasty. But like I get aroused easily I think. Or maybe I just think too much ;) but um yeah, to that other anon, I've actually witnessed myself cream a few times before, all have happened when I just sit on my bed naked either before or after a shower. Sometimes you get like really curious you know? Sometimes I sit cross cross and just like stare at my vagina. Is that weird? Idk. But yeah cream is a thing.

(2) It’s definitely different from wetness. Kinda like, this is awkward but it’s kinda like what happenens after a cream pie. But for me it’s really just random. And awkwardly enough I can’t tell the difference between an orgasm and actually cumming??? Like (don’t judge me lol) I used to think cumming was squirting and squirting was pee before I was legal, but I read on the whisper app once that a girl came really hard and it left a stain on the wall so yeah maybe I’m not getting fucked right

It’s ok lmao I think my blog has been to nastier places.

And like!!! I know creaming is a thing but usually I dont??? usually associate it happening when you’re just doing nothing??? usually I associate it with like…idk after sex or mastrubating in some form I guess.

And also?? not everyone can squirt?? and to me cumming and orgasming are the exact same meaning???

this entire ask has confused me lmao

[tigris-types]

Last night’s sword fighting class wasn’t the best and I’m gonna talk about why, also friendships. Very long post ahead.

My voice is kind of high, and I know with all the times my mom has commented on it. Especially when I get excited about something or annoyed (or mad at her). She can’t tell the difference between annoyed and mad, which is my fault, but if that’s the case then others probably can’t either. So for the most part I try to keep my voice as level as I can so others don’t think I’m mad at them. My thinking face can also look kind of angry or sad, so I try to keep it either blank or smile.

For the most part, I can control it. Especially in sword fighting when there aren’t too many things that bug me. I laugh, I smile, and for the most part I don’t have to worry sbout keeping control because I enjoy going and I don’t have to worry about being judged, (I mean I still do, but not as much as other places).

So last night, when I got annoyed, I held it in, mostly. Until I asked the others to help clean up because they were all standing around talking. Which is kind of normal if they hadn’t been asked to help yet, but they had already been asked and I was the only one cleaning. So it showed in my voice. And then eveyone immediately got to work, I was glad but then someone said my voice was scary.

Which wasn’t good. I immediately apologized and said I didn’t mean it too. I just didn’t want to do everything. He said it was okay, but I still felt bad, I lost control after all.

And the weird thing was, he wasn’t the only one to ask if things were okay. I went back to smiling and keeping my voice even and it was fine. But the weird for me was, they were actually concerned??? And the person who was throwing a end of school year party at the place (he ran a swording fighting club at his school and wanted to bring the members of that club to see what our class was like) said he wanted me there???

And it was weird, becuase people normally don’t say those things to me. Normally when someone is planning something I’ll either be forgotten completely or I’ll find out about it and ask if I can go, and then go “uhh sure?” like I wasn’t supposed to know even though the rest of our mutual friends were there. Normally I’m the forgotten friend and that has kind of led me to believe that I don’t really have any friends.

Not real ones anyways. Just like school friends, you’re only friends becuase you’re put together in the same class but in a year or so you won’t really be friends any more. Since you’re no longer in the same class.

But that train of thinking has also caused me to wonder what a “friend” even is since I clearly don’t know. I’m often forgotten by the people who I think are my friends, so are they even my friends at all or are they just putting up with me?

With the people in sword fighting, I don’t really know if I would consider them friends. After all, I’m still trying to figure out exactly what a “friend” is.

I mean we show up, we participate in the lesson or melee, spar, joke/talk, and then go home. I’m surprised any of them would be concerned about me or want me to show up to something else. I’m just not used to that happenening. I mean, that would imply that they think about me outside of class right? And for them to think about me outside of class, that would mean they would have to remember me when I’m not in front of them. Which would mean I’m not being forgotten, which I’ve already said, is weird because thats what I’m used to. I’m used to being forgotten.

And if they really do remember me and think about me outside of class, then I feel even worse about losing control of my voice. It wasn’t right, I shouldn't have gotten annoyed at them. I should have bottled it up with the rest of my feelings and just smiled. I shouldn’t said the things I said during the game of dogeball about my team letting me down. I should have just let them do whatever. I should have just been quiet and not asked for help. I could have done it all myself anyways.

And rereading that last paragraph makes me want to explain something else. I like helping people and being nice. And I will do everything I can to be seen as nice and helpful, (cause that’s how you make and keep friends right?). And if someone thought I was mean or scary, that’s not good. (one girl in math said I was being mean by disagreeing with her idea of how to start the proof and I almost cried, but afterwards another girl said I did nothing wrong and the other girl was actually the mean one)

I just can’t handle being thought of as mean or scary. But maybe I am without realizing it??? That thought scares, especially since I know it would be fairly easy to be mean (I’ve accidently said some mean things and still regret saying them).

I guess the point of this post was just to let me explain how I feel, since I don’t really have friends I feel comfortable opening up to, and this in depth too. I don’t even know. I guess explaining my thoughts to no one/an invisible audience helps me figure them out? I was just thinking about the class too much and couldn’t figure out why. I guess this kinds of explains it.

I’m surprised that the people at sword fighting consider me their friend and I’m worried that my tone of voice and how I acted last night will lessen their opinion of me and I’ll no longer be considered their friend.

[alexielmihawk]

Rebel Captain Stories I’ll write in the next 5/6 weeks

Before I start with the infinite list of Rebel Captain fanfiction I’m going to write, I need to say this: I NEED A BETA READER. English is not my native language and it’s always a bit difficult to find my own mystakes. So if you have time, are willing to plot with me, you know english grammar well, and want to discuss with me rebelcaptain’s headcanons and stuff, and also have the time to do some betareading just write me and I’ll be happy! This are sort of in the order I am writing/plan to write them.

1. Sequel to 450 : Wrong number Modern!AU, Jyn and Cassian started dating, they are awkward and goofy and I love them, there will be a lot of fluff and love and stupid text messages because that’s what the part one was all about.

2. Beyond free will and fate Norse mythology in space!AU, chapter one is already out to get and idea of the plot you can find here the aesthetic.

3. The italian job!AU Whole plot can be found here. Basically modern AU that follows the plot of the movie, probably a one shot, between 5 and 10K (thanks again for allowing me to write this!)

4. Opposite side of the Law!AU I already have the aesthetic for this but I haven’t posted it yet. Basically Cassian is a young detective whose career have been shaped by this unsolved case about a missing teenager that took place when he was just a policeman. This case is/was his obsession and just when he thinks he has moved on he finds something on a murder scene that reminds him of it. Jyn Erso thinks that she has been really good at making every trace of her old life disappear, except there is now this nosy detective that is asking too many questions... She’ll soon realize that befriending him in order to gain his trust is not the best course of action as her line of work doesn't exactly get along with Cassian's. Detective/Thriller/Angst/I can’t wait to write this, it will be good I swear.

5. Pacific Rim!AU Basically it follows the movie plot, Cassian as Raleigh, Jyn as Mako, Bodhi as Newt, Krennic as Hannibal Chau and more shit. For the complete plot look here.

6. Everybody lives Sorry, I’m writing this in Italian as it’s a bit complicated and it aims to connect all the canon: original trilogy, star wars rebels, comics. And so on. Might translate it when finished.

7. Road to Oz!AU Where Jyn is a very pissed Dorothy who really wants to go back to Kansas, but travelling towards Emeral City she meets a bunch of interest people and she start to appreciate Oz more than she thinks. Plot here.

8. The Three Musketeers (in space)!AU The book, not the show. This is not completely defined yet, but I really want to write this. I was thinking about a space setting that reminded of 1600′s France. So there is an Empire, but it’s not a negative thing - or else there is a Republic and there are the guardians of the Republic, so called Musketeers. Similar to jedi’s just not mystically powerful. The story won’t exactly follow that of the book as I’ll have to reshape a couple of things but it’s most sure that we are going to have Cassian, Chirrut, Baze as the three Musketeers, Jyn as D’Artagnan, Bodhi and K2 as Planchet and Grimaud. I’m all for the canon in the 3M’s book, but I’m going to take some poetic licence here. Anyway I still have to think this out properly.

9. Time Loop One of them (or both of them) keep living the same day/s again, and again. They die on Scarif and Jyn wakes up in the prisoner transportation as Liana Hallik / Cassian wakes up in his room on Yavin 4, minutes before departing for the search of Galen Erso’s daughter. And if at first they just don’t understand what’s happenening, it starts to get frustrating and painful because it’s clear that the force wants something from them, but what? What is it that it wants? Why do they keep dying?

10. Reincarnation!AU Throught time and space. Lots of history, lots of angts, much death, very cry. I promise tears and I promise it will be worthed. All reincarnation AU should be worthed, I just need a good reson for it to happen in the first place.

12. Pirates / Space Pirates Seriously, I can’t live without a pirate!AU. Space pirates would be even better but the universe would have to be much like that of Treasure Planed (Disney edition).

13. Imperial!Jyn!AU BECAUSE WHY NOT? Except I don’t have a plot.

Will be updated as new ideas come to my mind. STILL NEED A BETA READER.

[pivot2thrive]

Fear and the learning faith

Sometimes things are getting better even when they don’t feel like they are getting better. Old ways are changing, new ways are coming and the mind obsesses about specific moments, or people, or groups of people and change doesn’t feel like change because the mind fixates for a time.

No, I’m not speaking about a person working through recovery. Though I could as an “addict” learns to use different ways and means to live life (without compulsive use of a process or substance). As a person learns to live differently, the focusing job of the prefrontal cortex sometimes makes things feel worse (like when I first learned how to snowboard).

And no, I’m not talking about the United States’ current political situation (probably every political situation)...though I might very well be. For example, for all the violence rhetoric, the statistics show long term declines in a number of areas that show that things are actually getting better but are by no means perfect. Yet, the political mind fixates on a tragedy...for a time...until another tragedy or event (some people even seem to manipulate this understanding of people with Machiavellian precision). Like our minds, we have limited ability to focus our attention and the focusing that occurs through media often makes things feel terrible...like an anxious, angry or shame-filled negative self talk. And it doesn’t feel good.

Today, I’m talking now about the church. The church is dying in the West many say. Just look at attendance figures. In Europe, the church is a relic of history for the most part. Many lament these changes and some get vocal in detrimental ways (insert most any Pat Robertson comment here) as a means to try to explain why their once thriving audience is becoming geriatric and fading. In some ways, this behavior seems like the addict that doubles down back into the addiction rather than face the pain of finding a different way to live. Those addicts usually die first.

There is a convergence happening across the sciences that is linking physics, neuroscience, psychology and sociology (among others) that describes the ways in which a complex system organizes. This convergence is showing how an emergent property of these complex systems helps the system to regulate itself. That’s the theory of what a mind is in a person but that a “mind” is also present in a society or a group. When these complex systems break down, it is because there has been impaired integration of the parts (e.g. the parts don’t talk to each other with a dose of humility) such that harmony turns toward dissonance. Think of a jazz band or orchestra that don’t play well together. The system turns toward rigidity or chaos when integration is impaired. Think of an addict struggling when one part of his or her mind overrides all of the other parts. Hell, think of most any church leadership council meeting (from what I hear).

But, like the addict recovering, the brain is rewiring to form new ways of learning to live. New neural pathways get written as old pathways slowly get pruned away...until the addict finds that the new normal is much more beneficial than the old normal. It’s a learning process.

I think this learning process is also happenening with our politics...and it’s painful.

And then I think of the church. Many in society view the institution as irrelevant. Many view it as a place where more shame and burden will be heaped on an individual already struggling with toxic shame, guilt and fear. And, in many instances these people are right...churches have abused. Narcissistic leaders have wounded and have not acted with Christ-like integrity. The church has abandoned many. Both the Right and Left cherry pick their Bible verses to decry those leaders that do not fit their views and label others “stupid” or “morons” or the anti-Christ (both sides). The church speaks with such hypocrisy about love and grace and then ignores or condemns or gossips through prayer chains about certain people’s hurts, orientations or actions. In many cases, church has become a toxic bastion of rigid thinking, not different than an addict rigidly sticking to his or her old way of thinking. In many ways, declining church participation is likely the sociological equivalent of the pruning of useless neural pathways as a person learns, not some indication that the devil is winning some cosmic battle.

Learning is messy. Grace is messy. Integration happens when the parts link together and share information with humility.

In some ways I think Christ catalyzed the new, emerging property of what makes a person and a society well. His message of grace, forgiveness and reconciliation to God, others and self is at the core of the integration process. The narrative of death and resurrection can be seen as the story that helps me to internalize a new way of life, one free from toxic guilt, shame and fear and one that breaks the rigidity and chaos of my own mind and heart to create a harmony within myself, connected to God and others. But it’s messy, it’s always messy. Nothing is ever perfect but it is generally directional...that’s how we learn...

So, if God is the loving parent, doesn’t a loving parent want his child to grow, internalizing his love for them, so that the child can become an adult that loves like the Father? That’s the story right? But this church thing has become quite antithetical to that goal for a great many. People are adapting accordingly and the mind of society is rewiring...and that may not be such a bad thing.

“Oh my God, people are leaving in droves.” Good! Perhaps it’s time for a restructuring toward that which is actually useful for these people. It’s time to adapt and rewire the mind and heart of the Church, getting to the principles of the matter. And, this rewiring is starting to take place. That’s why it hurts, that’s why it’s messy.

That’s why there is grace, so we can learn.

A few points in my mind for this learning process to continue.

- as Paul reinterpreted portions of the Old Testament in the light of the truth of Christ as Messiah, so to should we reinterpret the Bible in the light of God’s truths as they become evident through the sciences. Integrating our faith with science is the key and I do not think they are as antagonist as most best selling book publishers would suggest.

- we are finding that healthy relationship networks are vital to healthy change, focus on creating tools and opportunities for effecting this change as is specific to people’s pain points.

- learn from other traditions. Use the notion of integration as linkage with humility when interacting with others. Evolve. Find the best of both and create a remix.

- leverage scientific findings in teachings that corroborate viewpoints. Also speak openly about scientific teachings that counter viewpoints so you will be seen to have authenticity in pursuit of reality, not just some rigid, cherry picking Bible verse quoter that condemns (usually to hell) others for different views.

- focus on integration. Work toward harmony within yourself, your organization, your society. Promote connection with humility.

- love your neighbor as yourself. Look at both sides of the equation...too often people have loved others more than themselves and have used bible verses to support their covert narcissism.

Just a few thoughts for the journey.

[sxly]

I don’t know

Sorry about the spam post text. So here’s background information for context. Since I was in 7th or so grade i’ve been forced to be the adult in my family. My dad ditched (black sterotypes ftw). Mostly it was just a lot of making random dinners reminding my mom to do things and get groceries and getting him ready/ to school. Then my mom had another kid when I was about 12 or 13. But by this time she was already pretty hooked on the pain meds and anxiety meds. but she was managing. She had a steady job as a nurse and things were chill. I thought I’d be a teenager and do random stupid shit. Fast forward to somewhre around. for a bit it was chill. We did some family shit, my mom seemed to realize her problem and was working on it. 

Then around 9th-10th grade she got back on all the meds and it got worse. Most of the days she was in bed nodding in and out of consciousnus. I’d take my brothers to and from school/ daycare and pick up groceries. Doing the laundry for everyone and all that good shit. Then around the end of 10th into 11th grade my mom got sick. She got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it became a shitshow from there. 

My grandma was out of town for the first 45-60 days because of her work. So as a a result most of my days consisted getting caleb clean fed and ready for school and same with jerermiah, making sure he did homework or w/e. Getting groceries, and dealing with anything that needed to be dealt with. My grandma got back, and after a while I thought “Great I can breathe and be a kid again” but what eneded up happenening was since my mom was sik and couldnt work we lost our house. It fucking sucked. 

We moved in with my grandma, intending it to be a thing that only lasted until my mom oculd get better and go back to work. (because the doctor had said hers was caught early enough that with a quick removal of the toumor she would be fine after like 6 weeks of chemo and 3-6 months of rest. But what eneded up happenening is my mom just kept taking her pain meds and switching docotors to get more, which led to fights between my mom and grandma. 

All the meanwhile I had still been taking care of my brothers and shit and basically being the father figure. My brother had been skipping first period to go play with his friends (6th grade shit, whatever) but it had forced the school to do a wellfare check (they send police officers to your house to jsut make sure everything and everyone is okay and if there si anything they can do.) While the police were there my mom assumed my grandma had called them because she was being a “bad mother” (shes not the best mom but definately not the worst) which my grandma hadn’t. It became a really loud verbal fight that almost turned phsysical until the police broke it up. The police calmed everyone down before leaving saying something along the lines of “we’ll e back to check again.” 

I sat both my grandma and mom down and explained that ebcause of their actaions and the fact they couldnt chill for .5 seconds that there was now a high probability that DFCS would be involved now. They told me to shut up and that I didn’t know what the hell  I was talking about.

About a week later the police show back up with a social worker. My mom flis her shit again and my grandma starts yelling too. The social worker takes some notes and whispers some things to the cops. Me and my brothers all get interagated seperately and asked if we had any bruises and what not. Shortly after they left.

My mom still in a rage, cusses my grandma out and takes caleb and her medicine bag and starts walking wherever yelling that she’ll sell herself for money if she needs to. (Her van had been repoed because she just stoped making payments on it) this freaks everyone out becasue my mom was in a psychotic state with my baby brother. We call the police and just ask them to bring them to my grandmas house and we could figure it all all out. My mom tries to fight the police and is being crazy  so they lable her a psych risk and take her to a psych hospital for 72hrs and bring my brother back with us.

My mom gets out, we go through the whole DFCS process, my grandma is given temporary custody of me and my brothers and my mom is is pissed anout it. She calls and sends ridiculously nasty text to everyone in the family to the the point that other than me none of the family is willing to talk to her. My grandma kicks my mom of the house. So she moves in with a family friend. My highschool graduation comes around. But because of all the fammily tension, it is just a shitshow. That night like many I ended up crying and cutting in the bathtub. Summer comes and isn’t too bad, I got to go with one of my friends from highschool and I met my roomate whos pretty cool. 

Summer semester starts, I have the same roomate which is cool, and being able to see Carissa all the time is awesome. 

But it doesnt last long. Fall semester starts  but carissa wasn’t able to stay at the school so she became a transient student which made both of us miserable. I start looking for a job and I find a really cool tech job in the campus library maintainting all the computers. The guys tells me he has two spots open so I excitedly tell my roomite to apply too becasue were both into computers. We both get interviews, but on the day of my interview, my professor decides hes gonna hold us a bit late in class. Once I find I cant make the appointment I email the Library boss and ask if we could reschedule and he says its no big deal and thanks for letting him know, and to just let him know when class ends so I can meet with him. The interview goes well and I go home happy thinking I land the job. After a week or two of not hearing back from him I email him just making sure everything is on the up and up. He tells me that I didn’t get the job and instead he gave the postition I wanted to my roomate and that if I’m gonna be late I should’ve rescheduled. I reminded him of his email to me about not worrying about it and he said that doesn’t matter. Fuck, fine. I cry. I cry a bit about it but whatever.  My birthday comes around, my friends up here help me celebarete but most of my family refuse to say anything for fear of starting shit with my mom. happy 18th Christian! Every month until I signed out of state custody this social worker would come up to the school and talk to me and ask a bunch of random questions. “do you think about hurting yourself?, DO you think your mother would hurt your brothers?” etc... Druring all this my mom goes back to the hospital, apparently its with her heart. I go visist a few times and from talking to the doctors about her history, we (the doctors and I) become fairly certian its because of all the meds. The school things sucks but w/e I keep going.

 Spring starts, my mom is back in the hospital, and apparently she had gotten married. (Suprise!!!) although its not a real legal marraige, it was just something she told everyone. for whatever reason. She had been kicked out of the family friends house and had moved in with this missionary couple. Who she’s still with and I guess i’ve just stopped caring. Carissa and I broke up, but it was wholy my fault. I cheated on her more than once. I don’t know what I was looking for I guess. 

 We were all gonna get a house but I found out that I cannot keep my job at school over the summer and that it more than likely will be filled by the time fall rolls around. I *think* I can make the house thing work but i’ll be miserable getting to watch everoyne else head off to class and whatever.

[myvelouri]

I can’t understand why I look so different. I saw some old pics. I looked healthy and fuller faced. Idk why I look so gaunt and strange now. I know I lost weight. But still. No one thinks I’m attractive anymore. I mean, they only did for a little bit in that brief window I had. What? Like right before jaw surgery and then after jaw surgery… Then suddenly I’m back to big poop.

That’s whatever. It’s just how I see myself that matters to me. I even said to myself, when I looked good back then, I said “so let’s see how short this will last pfft” and sure enough barely any time, not even a year? Pfft. Cause this happened before. With some odd forces of nature I was really attractive way back, waaaay back, and suddenly it went away. Oh right, also fresh out into the world, I was attractive as fuck! I remember the feeling and how everyone treated me.. I was 4-5 years old. Yeah. Then suddenly my condition kicked I’m and destroyed the proper growth of my face and tada! I was ugly as pooop. Then I get bullied a lot. Got treated like crap a lot. Everyone called me ugly. Girls called me ew and ugly. A lot happenened actually.. but I know what it’s like to be both ugly as fuck and fairly attractive. You know? I’d say I’m treated like an ugly boi most my life though. I’m not spoiled like a lot of gorgeous people are (I’m not gorgeous, I don’t mean to say it like that) but so many people that are gorgeous end up being so stuck up, not humble, absolutely full of themselves and expect everything handed to them. Not all of them, but a lot. You know? They get everything they want.

Idk, I never cared I wasn’t pretty back before I had depression, I didn’t. I knew I was ugly. But I was extremely funny. And people and girls liked me for that. But a lot said they wouldn’t date me cause I looked goofy. Hmm yeah. Girls were picky as fuck in those years of course

So what am I even writing this for? Oh right..I have no idea. Yeah depression ended up ruining my funny personality, my lively personality, my quick wit, my ability to hold a lot of information, my ability to converse deeply and for long periods of time, my ability to think fast or of anything at all. Depression ruined the entirety of me. My brain was way more valuable to me than looks. And I mean that. It’s why I tried to kill myself when I was 22. I couldn’t handle being so old and still not having my brain back to fully functional.

I still can’t

I still…