#it’s such a good one-off episode showing Beck finally being able to sort of go back to his life before Clu’s arrival

[wynandcore]

I Love how this episode allows Beck to be a teenager and the episode right after makes him experience trauma beyond repair

[jordanrosenburg]

You - Season 1 and 2 Review

*spoilers ahead*

Okay, I have this serious issue where I just power binge tv shows. Typically, when I see a lot of people post about a show, I wait a little while to watch it. When I first heard about You I had no interest in watching it. It just looked like a show about some creepy guy. However, with the second season around the corner, I figured I would give it a try. If I know there are at least two seasons of a show on netflix, I’ll watch. I know I’ll end up ripping right through it, so I like to make sure I have oodles of content. 

Off the bat, I enjoyed the narrative. Clearly, Joe is an unreliable narrator, but I enjoyed the way he spoke. I didn’t quite know what to expect, I knew he was some sort of stalker, but I truly was not expecting there to be so much murder. I’m usually pretty good at predicting things as I’m watching them, but there were several times I was actually shocked. 

For example, I was not expecting Beck to have lied about her father being alive. I mean, she had this whole story about how he died, and then she later profited off it. If she had lived long enough, surely some fan would have found out she was lying. I didn’t love her character, but I thought her ending was tragic. I don’t think she deserved to die. After they got back together, I just kept thinking, “You dumb bitch”, she had every chance to get away, and then she had to snoop and find those damn teeth. I’m not trying to blame the victim, but Joe is a walking red flag. 

Throughout both seasons, something that would make me laugh was when Joe would try to just hurt someone, and he would realize he actually either killed them or hurt them worse then they intended. He was genuinely shocked like:

Also, did the TSA not question his big glass cage when he was moving to LA? Did no one question him? How did the police never track him down? His DNA was all over Peach’s house. There’s no way she would have had the supplies in her home for him to cover up a murder. And the police found the jar of pee, how did they not find him? Wouldn’t he have been in the system from when he was in foster care? The minute I saw him in LA all I could think of was this:

I think the minute I saw Love, I knew she wasn’t going to be as clueless as Beck. Something was off about Love from the beginning. She wanted to move really fast with Joe. They had been together for like a week, and they were acting like they were in this serious relationship. I know Joe didn’t mind because he was so into her. I appreciate that he didn’t want to repeat history. He didn’t want to kill anymore people. He let Will go, and he only killed that mob guy out of self defense. 

It’s interesting that in both seasons, both B story lines were about kids. And Joe’s need to protect these kids. He felt guilty about waiting too long to help Pacco. He knew he wanted to help Ellie from the beginning. We got more background into Joe’s mother and younger self. We can see the abuse his mother endured. His first kill wasn’t Candace’s producer, it was his own father. We kind of knew this when he was explaining to Pacco that he shouldn’t shoot Roy, but season 2 confirmed it. When Joe shot his father, he doesn’t look scared or concerned. This could be from the trauma of his abuse, just being desensitized by so much shit. But it still seemed odd that he was unphased. 

With how much Chris Delia played up the second season, which in a weird way is one of the reasons I wanted to watch, I was surprised to see he was only in a couple of episodes. It was extremely meta that he played a comedian. I love that they basically just needed to edit a couple of things on his social media. I was sad that they had him play such a creep, but unfortunately there are people praying on young girls like that. I wasn’t upset when Joe killed him.

Throughout the season, I was wondering when they were going to show that Love was just as crazy as Joe. I don’t think Delilah deserved to die, and I feel terrible that we don’t really know what happened with Ellie. Did Joe really expect to her to run to Florida at the age of fifteen? When Love admitted to Joe what she did and he had the look on his face of oh this bitch is crazy, I was like:

I knew he would end up looking past what she did. But again, even when you have the police in your back pocket, can people really get away with murder like that? I mean Love not only killed Delilah, but she killed Candace, in the public part of the storage place. Wouldn’t there be security footage? Were the Quinn’s able to obtain that? At first when Love said she was pregnant, I thought she was just saying that to keep Joe at her side. I felt bad about the way Forty went down. I feel like he was finally starting to turn his life around, or at least he was trying to. He really did crack the code about Joe and Beck. I was secretly excited to see John Stamos again. It seems like no one gives a fuck that Joe has done terrible things, or than Forty. I figured either him or Love was going to die, and I guess it had to be him. 

Joe ends up in the suburbs with Love, and she is clearly pregnant. However, Joe’s eyes meet his neighbor through the fence, and a new obsessions begins. Now, they easily could end the series here because we can all predict how things would go down if he were to start stalking someone new. On the other hand, there easily could be a third season. I think it would be hilarious to see Love continue to crack, and she would probably end up killing her neighbor before Joe could accidentally do it. Joe and Love are perfect for each other. Damaged finds damaged. 

[1zashreena1]

The Homicide is Hot -12

18+, m/f/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess struggles with her own morality. But all cats are gray in the dark, right? Oh, and Diego has an epiphany.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Literal murder guys, seriously*** Protective Diego, feels, a blow job, plus size woman+fit man, insightful and helpful Julio, f o r e s h a d o w i n g

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you would like to be tagged or removed.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic​ @symbiont13​ @nicke0115​​ @bunnykjm​ @rosee-sensuelle​ @girlpornparadise​ @mandoplease​ @heresathreebee​ @xxsteph-enrixx​ @jetiikad​ @joalsglasses​ @mutantcookiesecrets​ @demoncatstone​ @squidlywiddly87​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog​ @poeedamerons​

gif by @el-cheung​

"Its hot when he's homicidal." There. You said it.

Okay but remember that time when he stabbed two dudes and carved an ear off of a third? And you were gonna like, die if you didn't blow him IMMEDIATELY??? 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

Wait, wait. Maybe this is … good? That is not the correct word but you know what I mean. If I'm going to be with someone in his position then I need to be able to handle everything that entails, right? 

You glance over at TMP, the small stuffed panther is facing you on the breakfast bar. You know its ridiculous, but you feel like he's watching you. It only takes half a second, but you flip the stuffie around so he can't be a voyeur just like his namesake.

The small dry erase board in your lap reflects sunlight back up into your face. Its covered in anxious scribbles regarding last weekend, you're desperately trying to sort them into some semblance of helpfulness. It isn't going well.

I already know he is in love with me, straight out of the horse's mouth. Lol 'horse'.

Seriously. You cannot go one day without a dick joke. 

I love him. I mean, how can I claim to love someone if I don't accept all of them? He doesn't maim indiscriminately, it has a point. Is it justified? I don't know. Do I trust his judgment on it being justified? I think I do. I guess the better question is: Do I care? 

I'm already in it. He's paying half my bills, he already paid off all my debt. I've accepted so many gifts with the knowledge that they were bought with laundered drug money. Hell, every article of clothing I'm wearing right fucking now was purchased by Diego. Also, he said that those guys lost a shipment to the tune of EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS, so you know, that's an accessory charge. At this point, even if I decide I have some arbitrary moral high ground, I'm definitely rolling around in a ditch, legally speaking.

You've always known that your morality was a bit off center than most people's, but being with Diego has put it into sharp relief. There are so many things that are illegal that you just don't care about. And your very visceral reaction that night was irrefutable proof.

-----------------------------

Last weekend

Diego does not like the cold. The heat in the SUV is turned way up, you already closed the vents on your side of the backseat. You're on your phone, pretending to ignore the massive hand sneaking under the hem of your dress while your legs are flopped over his lap.

Diego rumbles at you, the phone comes down just enough for you to peek over the top at him.

"Yes? Is there something you would like, my Murder Panther?" Your smirk is damn near audible as you question him. 

His eyes trail down to your lap then back up before he answers in a growl, "There is something I would love." The rockiness of his voice never fails to make you quiver just a tiny bit.

Just as those long fingers brush your thong his phone chirps. Repeatedly. And then starts ringing.

Diego snatches the cell out of his jacket pocket and hisses at the screen. Not good, you think. He answers it with a tirade of Spanish, shoots you an incomprehensible look, then retreats from you. Nooooo.

Being the only one in the car who doesn't speak Spanish is its own variety of delightful hell. Bastian and Julio are exchanging meaningful looks in the front while you just have to wait. Diego has gone quiet, which is utterly terrifying.

He disconnects the call, then passes the phone to Julio, who shows it to Bastian, who then changes course.

Diego reluctantly pulls your dress back down as you drop your feet to the floor. He raises a thick arm and tucks you into his side underneath it before kissing the top of your head apologetically.

"We have to run an errand."

-----------------------

The warehouse looks like it came straight out of a Law and Order episode. Its abandoned yet eerily lit from the inside, there is a suspicious assortment of motley vehicles parked outside, and two tattoo covered dudes toting semiautomatics appear as you pull up. 

"Please tell me those belong to you." You mutter quietly. Your immediate concern is Diego's safety.

Diego gives you the shark smile. "The men or the guns, Princess?" 

In the dark, at this incredibly sketchy location, and with the threat of violence thick in the air, he is actually a little bit scary.

You swallow the apprehension and glare at him with a raised chin. "Yes." You snap, crossing your arms in a stubborn huff. Holding his gaze right now is kind of intimidating but you manage it.

"Si, everything here is mine." His voice is hard as steel but the hand that comes up to grip your chin is gentle. It takes a second for you to realize that he is including you in that group. And that you like it.

You take in his features, those eyes are black in the darkness, but the silver in his beard glints in the partial moonlight. The defined jawline, his long straight nose, those perfectly framed velvet lips, thick brows and even thicker hair. So fucking gorgeous. Cupping his bristly cheeks, you whisper one requirement, "Just make sure to come back to me, baby."

Diego leans his forehead down on yours briefly, then kisses your nose. "Wait here for Diego, my Princess." His voice is dark and dripping with emotion. Julio opens the car door from outside and Diego steps out, adjusting his jacket and tucking the abalone-inlaid gun into his pants. He doesn't look back as they walk away.

Bastian steps out and closes the driver's door to smoke. The only door left open is the rear passenger next to where you sit. You're too preoccupied to stay focused on your cell. You look up to see that Bastian is on his phone, Probably his boyfriend checking on him. You can certainly understand that.

Faint voices float out of the open warehouse garage door, but everything is in Spanish. You slide down to the pavement and pace slowly. Its been almost twenty minutes, should you try to check on him? Each lap of pacing takes you ever closer to the empty doorway, purely by happenstance of course, until finally, finally, you can see people inside. 

There are three men kneeling on the floor, surrounded by at least two dozen others armed to the teeth. There are more guns than you have ever seen in your life, all being handled casually. Diego paces slowly in front of them, rattling off some rambling array of options, judging from his tone. Whatever he just said must have been unfavorable because two of the kneeling men start crying and begging. I should not be here.

Diego digs both hands deep into his pants pockets, as though searching for a lost item, only to pull out the larger of the switchblades that you know he always carries. Ambling forward, he snatches the man furthest from you by the hair and yanks his head back. The angle looks excruciating, but what happens next is infinitely worse. The blade glints under the overhead lighting as Diego slides it smoothly across the man's throat, triggering a cascade of red.

Diego just slit his throat.

Diego just killed that man.

Diego just committed murder.

You're frozen. Think. Think. If you move now someone will hear your shoes, you stuff a hand into your mouth just in case you make any noise. Your plum dress and black booties should blend into the night, thank fuck the dress is longer so there's less gleaming pale leg to reflect the moonlight.

I should go I should go back to the car I should go home. Your thoughts are racing but you can't look away as Diego skirts the rapidly expanding pool of blood and approaches the next man. He leans down to listen to the doomed man's pleas, one huge hand on his shoulder in mock comfort. Almost faster than your eyes can follow, Diego stabs him three times in the chest. The man coughs, then chokes on blood. Diego nudges him backwards to the floor with an expression of mild disgust before he can cough blood onto those exceedingly expensive shoes. The noise of his death is a quiet gurgle.

You can't feel your legs. Your stomach plummets and your heart rate leaps. This is Diego. This is my man. This is who he is and what he does. And this is what happens if you wrong him.

Just like I'm doing right now?

Sudden understanding makes your palms sweat and your jaw shake. Breathe. I trust him. You know, all the way down to the bottom of your soul, that he would never do anything like this to you. 

I'm different.

I'm special. 

I'm important. 

I have power.

The thrill of getting away with something courses up your spine. 

All of these men are his to command, available at his beck and call, and his to dispatch as he sees fit.

And you? Diego belongs to you. This powerful man chooses to kneel at your feet and pleasure you with his mouth, he dotes on you with gifts and gourmet dining, he waits for your text responses with baited breath. You want nothing more than to belong to him.

Movement snaps you out of your own head; Diego is approaching the last man, all confident stalk and predatory grin. A different feeling settles low and deep in your abdomen. Murder Panther. MY Murder Panther. 

Diego strokes over the man, no, this one is younger, the young man's hair. He is definitely an adult, but hasn't been for very long. Diego is whispering in his ear, the guy nods frantically and tilts his head toward you. You watch in morbid fascination as Diego carves off his ear. 

Diego wipes the blade off on the man's shirt, then pats him on the head as he walks off casually. He gestures to the group as he puts the knife away and they close ranks to help the lone surviving man to his feet and carry him off. 

Before you can jolt your body into retreating Diego turns to head your way. He glances up… and sees you.

His face, Oh no. Shock, horror, dismay, annoyance, and finally, determined resolution all cross his features in under three seconds. He uses his broad body to block you from his men's view and marches you back to the SUV. "Get in." He snarls, but he doesn't push you.

You slide all the way across the backseat to crash against the opposite side and Diego follows, slamming the door behind him and locking it. He scrubs a hand down his face and turns to you, expression grim.

You can't imagine what you look like, Probably a scared little bunny. But what you feel like? Oh, that is a different story. Damn near everything about what you just witnessed was so fucking hot. The actual homicides were kind of 'meh' (What is wrong with me???), but his power and ability and danger? Those you are definitely into.

He looks simultaneously defeated and defiant. "Well?" He barks with an expectant gesture. "This is me. This is what I do. You call me Murder Panther, but its different to see, isn't it, Princess?" The way he spits out his pet name for you hurts. He's lashing out in fear. He thinks I'm gonna run.

You keep your eyes locked with his as you reach out to his leg. He flinches at the contact but stays stiff. Your voice is smoky and dark, "I need you. Right fucking now. Give me your dick."

For the first time since you've met, Diego is speechless. His jaw hangs open while he watches you sink to your knees in front of him. Seemingly paralyzed, he just blinks as you rip his pants open and yank the material down over his hips. The instant you achieve clearance for his cock your mouth is on him. Your moan must vibrate the entire vehicle its so loud.

"Princess!" He finally gasps. "You. What. Fuuuck, what is. Oh, hell yes." His hips jerk and you dig your nails into his lower abdomen. He is fully erect in seconds, a little confusion isn't enough to cockblock Diego. Big hands flit through your peripheral vision erratically before settling on your head. The angle is finally correct and you slide him all the way down your throat, he practically howls with it. "Ahh, h-haaa. Jesus fuck, that feels so good. Shit, shit. Princesss." 

The way he calls for you, writhing with it, is almost too much. You moan back but don't stop bobbing your head on his length. Firm suction intermixed with sporadic long licks of your broad tongue have him leaking steadily in no time. Your left hand cups his balls, squeezing gently just to feel him tense up. He's salty, but not bitter. You want it. You need him.

Your right hand snakes down to hike up the dress. Once it’s over your wide hips you spread your knees so you can sink down onto his shoe. He doesn't notice at first, not until your hips start rocking in time with your suction. 

He grabs a fistful of hair to get your attention. "Are. Fucking christ woman, are you riding my foot?!" His eyes are huge, mouth open to pant.

You nod tightly, "Mm hmm." The moan vibrates all along his cock, causing his hips to rise off the seat.

"Ohh, oh fuck. You're so wet. I can hear it." He groans as though in agony. The thrusts begin to pick up pace and you grind down onto him. Your mouth can open just wide enough to accommodate the majority of his girth, you already know your neck is going to kill you tomorrow. Worth it. The skin of his cock is silky slick with both of you, he glides across your tongue easily but it requires pressure to fit him down your throat. Its like consuming fire, you're burning up from the inside out and its painfully perfect. 

In the darkness of the unlit SUV you can't see anything, you can only hear Diego moan and pant while your nose is buried in the soft hair on his lower belly. The intensity of being engulfed in his scent drives you to distraction, you grind down hard on his foot and you're so, so close. His hips lift off the seat to push deeper and you ride his motions, swallowing around the head of his cock. One enormous hand sinks deep into your curls, he pulls gently just because he knows you like it. His purr is deep, "My perfect little Princess."

That's all it takes. You drop your entire weight onto his foot to shudder and whine as an orgasm rips through you. Hips jerking in time with each spasm deep inside, you ride out all the waves without ever breaking rhythm on his dick.

Diego is frozen in shock as he realizes what just happened. He pulls you off, much to your whining disappointment, to stare down at you in awe. He stutters a little, "Good. Girl."

The instant he releases ringlets you dive down onto him with renewed vigor. The emphatic praise only spurs you on even stronger. Everything is wet; his dick, your mouth, his pants, your chin, the seat, your dress, his shoe. Everything. The sounds, the way he tastes, you're desperate to have him. 

"You want this? You want Diego?" His voice is so rough, so harsh. You nod tightly and moan for him, high pitched and hoarse. "Princess, so damn good, take it. Take all of me. Fuck, you look goddamn amazing on my cock." His hands stroke endlessly over your hair, his hips are jerking harshly and you know he is close. "Shit. Shit shit shit. Come," he is gasping, panting, "Come again for Diego, mi amor." His body stiffens, his legs shake, the grip in your hair tightens, and his head drops backwards to the seat as he pours down your throat in scorching jets. 

Diego collapses, boneless and breathless, but you don't release him. Your right hand shoots down between your legs to work your clit furiously while you continue suckling softly. 

"Yesss," he sighs upon noticing your actions. His voice drops low, overflowing with sinful threat, "You come for Diego. Pretty little Princess, all mine. Follow orders, come on your Murder Panther."

It breaks you. Your whole body seizes up as you wail for him, clenching down on nothing in painful ecstasy. Finally relinquishing his cock, you flop face down into his lap with an exhausted groan. Diego melts back into the seat and you both just lay there, panting.

Diego raps on the door window but stays slumped down and loose-limbed. 

Bastian unlocks the SUV, then pops the driver's door to stick his head inside. "Yeah, boss?" The blonde studiously avoids looking lower than Diego's face. You can hear Julio chuckling behind Bastian.

"Fuck the club. Take us home." Diego decrees lazily. You sputter joyful laughter directly into his pants.

You ride home curled up in his lap, snuggled into that salt and pepper beard you love so much while Diego feathers kisses all over your face, the knife cradled in your hands.

------------------------

Diego stumbles down the stairs the next morning, yawning hugely, only to find Julio in the kitchen, unashamedly raiding the fridge. Bastard, Diego chuckles.

"Manito! We need to talk." Julio gets right to the matter. "Before Gordita gets up." He adds pointedly.

Uhh, what. "Fine. Talk. Also, are you eating carrots at 10:12am??" That is disgusting.

Diego plops down onto a barstool and stares dejectedly at the espresso machine until Julio rolls his eyes and turns it on for him.

"Look, you need a check, eh?" Julio sighs but stands firm while Diego side eyes him suspiciously. When no objection comes, Julio forges on, "She saw you murder two people and cut an ear off a third last night, right? And her response was to blow you in the car? Fucking ride your foot to come, what, twice?"

Diego smiles dreamily, "Yeah. It was a good night." So. Much. Licking.

Julio passes him the steaming mug, "If you don't put a ring on it, pendejo..." 

Diego nearly drops the mug as his closest confidante walks off into the living room.

Shit, Julio is right.

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 4 - "Tribe Swap and TBH This Couldn’t Have Gone Any Better” - Pete

Tribe swap anyone? So right off the bat, I see that Jacob C. is the tribe captain. I immediately go to him and ask him to pick me for his tribe, so that I can pick Sammy and Sammy can pick Kevin and Kevin can pick a newbie and that newbie will pick a newbie and then that newbie will pick a newbie. GUESS WHAT? It worked!!! We did exactly that, and with all of us working together to build the tribe I think I realized I can trust them for now. I still know that Sammy has an idol, and so that’s useful information. Eventually we are gonna need to get him to drain it but I think maybe it’s gone now, if he could only use it for a few rounds. That’s also probably just what he wants us to think. I also hit a bump in the road with the information I’m holding. I’m trying to play this game very game-focused and not my usual hehe social game is gonna get me there way, even though in this cast...they really don’t care so maybe social would be the way to approach it. Either way, I ended up telling Kevin what I said about Beck in my last video confessional (I know you didn’t watch it so I’ll summarize; beck wanted to exclude kevin from an alliance that was Kevin’s idea). My only regret is that it might have been too soon to plant any seeds of doubt with Kevin about Beck, and that I might be getting played by both of them. But, on the other hand maybe it was the perfect time? We are going to merge....a long time from now. Like a super super long time from now. But, I don’t know I think telling him initiates a trust between us that I don’t have with the other people in this game. I’d really like to go to the end with Jacob C and maybe a random newbie. It just feels so far out of reach at this point, theres literally like...at least 7 more premerge boots and I really hate that. I despise big casts, and especially with this twist because there’s so much time in the middle of the round where everyone is just kind of like...sitting. And I don’t do well in those types of situations. So, it’s feeling bleak right now BUT if I do make it to merge, I’ll be very happy and then if I do make it to FTC I’ll be very happy and then if I don’t win, that’s to be expected and the usual state of what happens.

This tribe has my 2 "enemies". I don't trust either, I just tried to vote out Billy again too so that's cool. I'm going to go ahead and make friends with Jordan and stoner since they are loners, and we just need one more on top of that to make a new happy family. The thing with voting me out is, when you get me going, I will demolish the game, and given I'm a lot more comfortable in a tribe of 7, it shouldn't be that hard. Taking full control premerge is one of my favorite things to do, but you need a clear cut enemy to do it effectively. I have that enemy, no one else does. Let's see what we can do here.

Alright, so here's the ordeal.   First off, Bailey got medically evacuated due to getting three strikes (which might have stated this already in past confessional, but whatever,)  and secondly, Will lost out at arena, also getting the eliminated slot.   That left 21 people, and as my suspicions were, I expected a swap to occur, and that one did.   Went in expecting probably wouldn't be one of the first round picks, but ended up getting picked on tribe quicker than I anticipated.   Anyways, I am now on a tribe with Beck, Ben, Caeleb, Juls, Karen and Tommy.   I just couldn't be more happier to be with more active people on a tribe, instead of there just being myself and two others active on my original tribe.   Now, time to hope this new tribe can end the Yushu losing streak and come out as the sole immunity winner with today's challenge.   Then, finally, in regards to the Olympic Village, four times now where I have found nothing, but I went down each end of the village, so I at least now have some sort of insight to all the paths I can take in future village searching rounds.

HELL FUCKIN YEEAAAHH TRIBE SWAP!! and tbh this couldn’t have gone any better I think. I’ve got jacob c, eve, and sammy here and if we all vote together then that’s enough to be safe. I’m also maybe forming a bond with Landen cus they seem pretty cool and maybe I might be able to land a good social position in this tribe??? Hopefully someone secretly hates somebody so i can jump on that shit to keep me safe

okay so i’m sucking ass at this maverick bird game and i’ve only really performed well in one challenge ever so i’m in danger girls. everyone else here is used to challenges and have all this experience and then there’s my dumbass who has no fuckin clue what he’s doing. i could easily be first out this tribe tonight if no one wants to rock the boat and they all just vote based off challenge strength

I hate this challenge and I hate these flash games. That is all. 🙃

so i'm gonna try to keep this short because i have lots of writing to do for a history class, but basically, i've been praying for a swap to get away from the disaster that was sonkei, and last night, i finally got my wish! I wish we had gotten a break day to talk to everyone, because those are always nice when you swap, but i think i'll be able to do fine without it. my tribe breakdown could NOT have gone better! though i didn't end up with anybody i knew particularly well, i ended up with some people i've been talking to AND getting along with. Sammy is someone i love and someone i'm even buying a shirt from lol, nothing to do with the game he just told me about some of his graphic design work and i saw his shirts and i was like... let me buy it. Jacob, i love and we have very similar music taste. Then Nicole i've chatted with a bit, we're not close or anything but i like her! Pete, Eve, and Kevin were all entirely new. I think there's a lot of potential with pete, we've already bonded over crazy people in past games and our anxiety in games. whereas with eve things started off on an... AWKWARD foot, and with kevin, well i just suck at convo and he's not great either. some people are soooo dry and i just don't get it and as far as that goes i'm honestly struggling with some of these conversations like how r ppl so dry... but that being said i get along with everyone on this team and i think it's a really strong team, so i'm hoping that when results come out in like 15 minutes, i'm not proven wrong and we win! i tried really hard on the challenge and while i like everyone on the team (Jacob/Sammy specifically may be very useful as i'm also close with caeleb and they're working together.. Could be a good lil alliance type thing, potentially. I dunno.) i'm not 100% sure how safe i will be at tribal and really i just really, REALLY want a break from tribal. i'm very much #OverIt, and at this rate i genuinely might turn into Denise like Caeleb was joking about. I'm just sick of tribal council at this rate and I really don't want to go again, the arena makes these dynamics impossible and if I'm going to keep going I'm gonna have to keep managing everyone that goes there and back too.... OH BOOM RESULTS CAME OUT DURING TRIBAL AND WE WON! Thank FUCK. But the rest of that still stands about the confusing dynamics, how things are everchanging, and how avoiding tribal... I'm happy about it and hopefully I can continue to do it? I also need to talk things over with Billy, smooth over that dynamic and get him knowing I really do want him till the FINALS. I need him to trust me and the last tribal did not work for that. So it's go time. Thanks for helping me out, Miraitowa, my bomb af run begins now.

New Yushu, new us! Honestly, I'm really pleased with the tribe, but it sucks to see one of our own go. I have to, with a heavy heart, vote for Karen to go to arena. If all goes well, and I hope it will, they'll bring home the gold for us. :) 

wooooooo i'm nervous about tribal! unfortunately tribe yushu cannot catch a break even with new tribe members. voting out karen is best for my game but i'm afraid that me pushing for them to leave shows my cards a little too much and i fear that if we go to another tribal next round i'm gonna be in a bad position. i'll do what i can to maintain the connections i have rn and hopefully keep my life in this game going!! on that note. anxiety might kill me

Well I'm so MAD I LOST THE ARENA, I WAS IN LAST PLACE LAST PLACE! Then all of a sudden I take off and I literally was in first by 10 minutes and I get STUCK on the LAST CLUE and everyone else passes me and beats me. Which leaves me with no medal. Maybe this will lower my threat level because I keep flopping in all the comps but I literally have been trying to win these challenges and I just suck. However, I did make a key social connection with Beck during my time at the arena and I think this could be a good connection for my game. Then the swap comes and I'm like :V and I start messaging Beck because it's schoolyard pick and he messages me and says "If I pick you, will you pick someone I want?" and of course in my head I'm like "Well no duh I want to be in the majority" so I agree and he says "Darcy" so I know he has a tight bond with Darcy so whichever way Beck votes Darcy may follow. Then Darcy chooses Caeleb which I thought was a bit random but maybe they had talked a little and without any hesitation Caeleb chooses Juls *side eye emoji*. Juls I get a read that she is someone who is super dangerous. She's extremely likeable and has made no enemies despite going to tribal 3 times and everytime the person voted out came back. I think she may even be my biggest threat on this tribe. I don't necessarily know if she'll come for me but I don't want to find out. Then Juls talks about bringing Landen aka her partner in crime and in my head I'm like "Please god don't let Landen on this tribe." Thankfully the tribe right before it got to us picked him and she picked Ben because we wanted challenge strength and then Ben randomly chooses Karen aka the person who I wanted out first if Shosha ever want to tribal council and who has bombed most of the challenges this season. Then to make matters worse we BOMB this Immunity, I think these OG Blue people are cursed because they have been going to tribal every round besides the first round of the game. So now my closest ally in the game on my tribe is Beck. We call and Beck tells me about the dynamic how him and Juls know each other and he backstabbed her and he thinks she may want revenge. However, I believe they are about to host an ORG together so it's going to be really hard to convince him to turn on her because then she might say something if she's voted out because they will be hosting together. At the point I was at I was fine with Karen going home over Juls first because Ben said "Let's go for Juls." Then the targets ended up switching around and now everyone wants Karen, which I was still fine with until I get a message maybe an hour later from Karen saying "I really think we should stick together." and then I'm like well I guess this means if Karen stays I'm her #1 and that's very important on a tribe that'll only get smaller, so now I don't want Karen to go home but her odds are looking so narrow that she avoids the arena. However, I think she can pull out a Gold Medal and if she does leave I hope she does come back. I kinda view the tribe as there's the three of the OG Blues (Ben, Darcy, and Beck), the duo of Juls and Caeleb, and the sorta a duo of myself and Karen but nobody really sees us as a duo. Then Juls and Beck have a strong connection, Me and Beck have a strong connection, and Beck and Darcy have a strong connection. Beck has already voiced to me about blindsiding Ben, who I don't know if I can trust but at this point I'm not against it but I rather see Juls go, she's a way bigger threat and I don't think she will return with a gold and it causes tensions if she does return between Beck and Juls and it's off of me. My plan is to just keep Beck as close as I can I need to be his #1, I'll even take a close #2. This way I'm able to secure my safety in the tribe. I'm also trying to get closer to Caeleb in the route we end up going for Juls next and she doesn't come back I think I may be able to scoop him up as a number for me while being on this tribe and developing a bond that can last a while. Ideally Juls leaves tonight however, it'll sadly be Karen with that being said my perfect scenario is Karen wins the gold medal comes back, if we go to tribal again we meaning (myself, darcy, ben, and beck possibly karen) blindside Juls/Caeleb sending Juls home and she looses in the arena, I scoop up Caeleb, keep Karen close, Beck close, and then go for a blindside against Ben using (myself, karen, beck, and caeleb) even if Ben returns I think he'll feel most betrayed by Beck, and keep my options open from there. This way I'll start taking out people I feel like are dangerous that won't be targeted and I make my threat level smaller while creating strong bonds with people, and have other people be mad at each other. Hopefully all of this while we win a few immunities so that we aren't completely decimated by the time we get to a swap.  

This swap is good, I either wanted Billy or Nik out and that seems to be happening. Nik and Sarah aren't talking to me. I'm immune. Y'all confusing

Pretty sure I sent in confessional already this round, but why not, let's send another.  I don't got too much to add since my past confessional, but my tribe lost immunity.   Seeming like the vote is going to be Karen, but who knows, could be me, or could be someone else, I am not fully certain how this vote will end up playing out.

i love my new tribe with my whole entire heart!! sm i going to tribal again? maybe so. HOWEVER, they’re all angels and i can’t wait to continue to work with them 

hello i'm retracting my previous confessional bc now i actually have a reason to vote out someone who isn't karen. the vote is flipping on ben which i'm okay with because apparently he did something that upset caeleb and i want everybody to be comfortable playing this game. so hey, at least i know i'm safe tonight

😖😖😖😠😠😠😭😭😭😭😵😵😵🤫🤫🤫🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Anyway so my UTR game is over and now it’s time to make a confessional! We’ve swapped tribes or whatever and of course I get swapped onto a tribe without nicole or Kevin so basically my back is against the wall /:. Anyway so I have tommy, juls, caeleb, Ben, becks and Darcy on my tribe now and they all suck at challenges apparently sjdbdjdndj like I didn’t do well on immunity but I didn’t even try which in retrospect wasn’t a good idea because now these freaks are targeting me as the weakest. So Ben and becks last night were basically like yeah we’re probably voting for you /: like first of all....fuck u, the only reason you tell me that is because you don’t think I have a chance to save myself, I don’t want your stupid pity confession, at least TRY to strategize with me. It took everything in me not to snap at them, I mean I kinda went off on becks but w/e they can’t be so naive. Anyway so I was talking to nicole and Kevin trying to save my ass and we figured out that I would have majority if I got me & tommy and the two people who were on other tribe so that was my mission for today. I think I talked enough with both caeleb and juls to convince them to work with tommy and I but I’m also a little weary /: I can’t be too sure and that scares me so anyway I’m gonna look for an idol hopefully I find something and hopefully no one is playing my ass right now or else it’s GG to me /: also becks is on board with voting Ben which like yikes if Ben finds out lol. Ben messaged me recently so I need to deal with that because I assume someone told him something ugh why do these newbies suck ):

Sooooooo I really need to keep my mouth shut sometimes. I didn't want Nik or I to go so I thought that we could avoid it, however chris didn't wanna swap. This really sucks because I didn't want Nik to go but I didn't make any effort to try and save him, which is odd for me. Had Chris and I voted out Sarah, it would've been fine. However, I'm now probably gonna be the biggest target in this tribe. BRING IT BITCHES I'M READY.

Maybe I should watch more of the actual Survivor show, but I'm now fully realizing that how well someone plays the game does not directly correlate to them winning...it's all politics and drama 🙃 

These people are literally insane. This is hilarious. I'm still on thin ice but this position is a lot better than my last one. Billy sucks. Common theme. Nik showed up at the live tribal but not to anyone's dms.

After seeing the MESSY ass tribal Sonkei just had, AGAIN, I am so glad I finally got the fuck off that tribe and onto a new one. The curse of Suckei really does exist, it's an absolute trainwreck tribe... That being said I had to laugh, and it might go down as one of the best tribes in history. Those iconic trainwrecky Survivor tribes are just.. ugh. That being said, I am SO SICK OF EMMA SURVIVING. PLEASE KICK HER ASS THE FUCK OUT OF THE GAME LIKE I HATE HER! ......Okay moving on from that outburst :) One thing this does remind me of though, is that I need to become more active in my pursuit to understand dynamics. I kinda wanted to take a step back and just observe during the swap, because usually I overplay out. And here, I just want to chill, and let people kind of forget that I ran shit on Original Sonkei. Forget that I was the leader there, who dominated everything with an iron fist (even if sometimes accidentally... Trainwreck vibes!) and just think of me as a cute derpy 16 yr old player again. That was my plan, but I'm starting to get nervous. This late in the game and I'm still in no official alliance chats, I may be losing Billy, and i'm ANXIOUS about the future. I definitely need to work harder on things moving forward, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

IM READY TO KILL STONER AND DARCY AND BEN AND EVERYONE IN THAT ARENA EXCEPT NIK FUCK THAT TRIBE THAT VOTED HIM OUT AND FUCK THAT ARENA FUCK EVERYBODY I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT TRIBE HES FROM BUT WHATEVER ITS LATE AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO SLEEP EARLIER AND NOW IMMA BE REALLY SLEEPY FOR MY ANNOYING ASS JOB THAT I KEEP DOING OVERTIME FOR CUS MY SHITTY ASS COWORKERS KEEP LEAVING EARLY I GOT OFF TOPIC ANYWAYS FUCK ARENA AND FUCK THE WINNERS AND FUCK THE RETURNEES AND FUCK SONKEI AND FUCK YUSHU FUCKIN DISCOUNT WANNABE YUJO BITCHES OKAY EVE SARAH AND I WILL GET YOUR ASSES 

psa krispy kreme is evil like they have bullshit random ass “deals” like 8 days a week for NO REASON like this one time it was New Year’s Eve so duh it’ll already be busy but corporate decided hey let’s do an annoying ass BOGO for $2 deal to torture our retail workers and I was working fucking drive thru that day and lemme tell you there have been very few times my patience and emotional strength have been toyed with by the force of god and i sure as hell wasnt prepared to have it at fucking 8 in the fucking morning i was so tempted to just tell every customer we make our donuts with bleach and orphan meat. it’s fucking 1 AM and i told myself i’d sleep at like 8 or 9 like a responsible adult but nooOOOOoo i just HAD to forget to eat so i have to make food and eat it so now i’m at midnight and gotta do this challenge or whatever so now i have fuckin 5 hours for my ugly ass to get enough beauty rest to be a lovely customer service representative of Krispy Kreme Enterprises™ and i’m gonna hate waking up i’m dreading it i have so much to do. i got off topic but yeah fuck arena fuck everyone in this game go eat a dick i’m upset and idk what else to say i ran out of angry words fuck that challenge and fuck billy dude why is he still here fuck the fuckin olympics nobody benefits from them except the greedy billionaires at the top like not even the athletes benefit that much they still gotta work average jobs like the rest of us like i always though olympic athletes were rich and shit but no they get screwed over royally and the places that host the olympics get shit on horribly it’s just an all around awful event doing nothing but spreading blind nationalism which is dangerous fuck america dude america’s a piece of shit and i’m allowed to say that i’m from florida fuck you anyways i’m tired bye fuck this  

and fuckin who the fuck is ben dude like no Nik was robbed bring Nik back fuckin ben from fuckin wannabe yujo tribe didn’t he go in a unanimous vote yikes also shoutout to whatever dumbass cancelled his vote that was a waste like why didn’t you save that shit dude fuck arena btw and fuck sonkei lmao loser ass tribe go win a challenge or something wow people are really gonna hate me when then airs but oh well i’m venting i’m at a breaking point and i don’t wanna fuckin go to work dude fuck fuckin yushu and fuck sonkei just throw the whole tribe away it’s Yujo final 3 bitches and fuck everybody else 

literally like i was added and my phone was still loading ALL the messages from all that fucking lag and already they started the round before i knew what was going on so i was just blind going in so fuckin stoner ass weee bitch got it when i wasn’t even there like ooh you won a challenge against nobody go fuck yourself by the time i could see the messages it was already over and they were like “sns you were here :/// go die i guess lmao loser” so yeah i’m a lil heated and it’s fucking 1:30 i can only get 3 and a half hours of sleep fuck this 

okay now it’s real strategy time. Nik just got robbed and I found out from Sarah that Billy’s leading the new Sonkei and wants her out next. Okay first off how the hell was he not voted out for not even doing the challenge? Second, if he’s targeting Yujo’s then he’s officially made the biggest mistake in the game. Eve and I are now on a mission to lead the Sonkei tribe to get rid of Billy as he should’ve been day 1. I think I can maybe convince Jordan and Chris, we just need 3 to have a chance. 

After swap 1

After nik got voted out

after winning arena

I’m fucking tireddddddd of going to tribal this game is not shaking out how I want it to. 

TRIBE SWAP BLESS THE TRIBE SWAP! i did truly like caeleb sammy and jacob a lot as people but like I was so going home if we lost its crazy. Now hopefully I can work with them without such tight a line keeping us together. ANYWAYS! we swap and I am in a fantastic position, i basically just took over tribe in terms of power. First thing i do is allign with stoner which is so funny to me. I realized hes someone whose general clout in the community is more disliked than me, so maybe i can make him my goat. I wonder if hes thinking the same about me. I wanted to work with billy but that guy is crazy like and that would be fine, if he was just normal crazy, but hes also the type of crazy thats like flip a vote at tribal for no reason and like I cant deal with that. I thought he had potnetial for a jordan pines minion, but sadly I think he might have to go. Anyways we lose teh challenge and em wants to target nik, em is somoene i super vibe with tbh so we get on board. HOwever she doesnt watn to tell sarah and im like OPPORTUNITY. I have had some great bonding with Sarah and think I have secured her loyaly to myself. I let her know about nik and got her to play dumb while still keeping her in the know. Now i think shes really loyal to me So after all that heres where stand. i have a 4 person alliance with me Stoner Em and Jacob which will likely take out billy if we lose again.the plan is the use sarah as a fifth on the side but my plan is a lil different. I want to keep sarah as tight to me as possible and when the time comes to take her out, do what I got to do to keep the people I think will progress me furthest in teh game. I don't think I am in danger of going this tribe swap so I need to use this opportunity to make sure I am okay for whatever comes after it.

[prism-sakura-s]

Monster

The first fic request done for @ask-villegas-sides! Sorry it took a while, sched’s been pretty busy. Thanks for entrusting me with this! The other one I’m planning on writing should be up soon.

And, uh, I’m sorry if I deviated a bit from whatever canon was established or if I did something wrong in general.

Prompt: Beckett loves music, so what better way to relax after helping Riley solve a stressful dilemma than listening to his playlist? (Songfic)

Warnings: some acronyms in caps, pain (?)

-----

Beckett shut the door and flopped onto his bed, breathing a sigh of relief. The several day streak of stress was finally over, and Beckett tiredly patted himself on the back for pulling through and helping to figure it all out in the end. Everyone was glad it was over, Beckett especially since he was arguably the most affected out of the others. 

Beckett opened his phone, thinking of what to do as he typed in his pass code. Well, he already had a general idea of what to do: play music. The question was, what specific music?

He scrolled through his Spotify aimlessly, up and down, for a few minutes, scoping his options. He could play Panic, TØP, 5SoS...

Huh? Oh, right.

This was Beckett’s thought as his eyes landed on an EP he had honestly forgotten he saved.

Human, by Dodie.

Beckett knew Riley liked Dodie, and he himself had listened to her songs quite a few times. Not a whole lot of times though, since he had other bands and singers he listened to more commonly.

Dodie’s music was relaxing though, as well as relatable (which strangely helped to take some weight off one’s chest), and if that wasn’t what Beckett needed right now, he didn’t know what.

Well maybe some cuddles and/or a scrolling session on Tumblr, but those can wait till later.

Beckett slipped on his headphones and plugged them into his phone. He tapped on the EP and pressed “Shuffle Play”. He placed the phone beside him as he settled down, crossing his hands over his stomach and looking up at the ceiling. Some soft beats sounded through the headphones, enveloping him in a blanket of calm.

Tell me again about how it hurts

Ah, Monster.

Being awfully loud for an introvert Get out of my room, smile wiped clean Isn't it weird to be so mean?

The words carried Beck back to the past. He felt light, like he was floating.

Beckett’s entrance into existence was much more than jarring. His build up to sentience was slow, but painful. Years of hurt, tears and fear compiled into one sort-of-being - of course it would burn. And young Beckett took it out on the others.

He didn’t interact much, spending most of his time in his room and not letting anyone in. When he did go out, he didn’t act kindly to the other sides. Reese especially, now that he thought about it. Beckett cringed as he reflected on his past behavior. Yeah, he’s a lot more friendly now.

I'm guessing that I've grown horns I guess I'm human no more I can tell I've rotted in your brain Oh, how easily passion twists You think I'm a crazy bitch

That was Reese back then. Quick to defend Riley from any evil, that “evil” being Beck. How they managed to fall for each other was beyond him; yet all their interactions laced with bitterness seem elusive to him now, a blur.

I craft my words to fit your head 'Cause no one listens to the dead So maybe I will talk to you The only way I know how to Mhm, I've said my speech Mhm, through sharpened teeth You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin Please let the devil in

Beckett didn’t act nicely to Riley either at first. Granted, it was his job not to. That was his whole shtick. But still, he could have done something to help, like he would do now if Riley got into a particularly bad episode. But Beckett didn’t do that back then; and the guilt still weighed on him sometimes. 

A meter apart, we blankly stare We shout in our heads, "Are you still in there?" Well, this ends bad then, we knew it would So we won't eat our words, 'cause they don't taste good

It wasn’t too long until Beckett started to regret his bitter words. The dynamic between the other three left him yearning for that kind of companionship in his life. But he still felt he had a reputation to hold up. The side that hated everyone and everything. The side that ruined Riley’s life even more.

Yet, a tiny voice had convinced Beck that... maybe they’d be more accepting if he was more accepting of himself. Maybe if he trusted himself more to be friendly, and shared all his issues, they would take him in too as one of them.

A thousand words are left unsaid 'Cause no one listens to the dead So maybe I will talk to you The only way I know how to Mhm, I've said my speech Mhm, through sharpened teeth You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin

Slowly, but surely, Beckett opened up.

Oh, I think it might be worth a try Oh, am I ready to let this die?

He was a bit hesitant at first; would he really be able to pull this off? Will the others even accept him? 

The answer was yes.

Mhm, a monster's here Mhm, you plug your ears But hey, you might just listen to it sing Please let the devil in

Slowly, the angry scorching snarks devolved into playful ones. Beckett allowed more physical contact, more face-to-face conversations. He allowed himself to relax more and more.

Look, we know that I've seen this before High and mighty, at the top of your list Adoring every move, now my rank is sinking But we're both guilty of black or white thinking

Since he hung out with the others, he managed to see them up close. He saw their personalities, the intellect, the cheerfulness, the passion they all encompassed and showed off confidently. Beckett admired them and learned to treasure them as if they were his own friends. And the others started to reciprocate those feelings, started to embrace him. And Beckett’s facade as a mean side who wanted nothing more than trouble gradually chipped away as well. Everyone regretted the harsh feelings towards each other before, but made sure to right their wrongs.

And that’s exactly what they did. 

So maybe I will talk to you The only way I know how to (We won't eat our words) Mhm, you've said your speech Mhm, through sharpened teeth (They don't taste so good) You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin (We won't eat our words) Oh, I think it might be worth a try (They don't taste so good) Oh, am I ready to let this die? (We won't eat our words) Mhm, a monster's here Mhm, you plug your ears (They don't taste so good) But hey, you might just listen to it sing Please let the devil in

They let him in their family.

[prettyandprudent]

Freedom Found: Tickled to Be Teetotal

Yours truly is officially eight months teetotal. I have reveled in four different vacations; enjoyed various concerts, holidays and sporting events; and celebrated my 39th birthday, 10th wedding anniversary and 35 Friday nights 100 percent sans the sauce. Yep, no margaritas on the first day of vacay, no Veuve on the anniversary, no bloodies at brunch, no sauvignon blanc to unwind before bed. And a month from now, I will accompany my husband to his high school reunion, mocktail in hand. But please don’t feel sorry for me. I feel free.

Birds on Edisto Island, SC

I have given booze the boot and am finally to a place where I don’t feel one bit deprived or ashamed. In giving up alcohol, I have gained more benefits than I could have ever imagined. Especially more calmness.

It wasn’t easy at first. Trust me. I went through a mourning period. Like anyone after about 20 years of drinking, it was easy to tie alcohol to all sorts of situations, and hard to picture those situations without it. It was how I soaked up blissful sunny days or got through blizzard shoveling. It was how to watch football, how to unwind after a stressful day, how to cut it up on the dance floor at a wedding, how to celebrate a big birthday or accomplishment, and a loyal cooking companion.

I also worried about standing out from the pack. Take a peek at the greeting cards section of any stationery store, and try to pick out a card for a friend that doesn’t mention alcohol. “Rosé All Day” is emblazoned on everything these days. Heavy daytime drinking is beyond encouraged.

I worried about not being as fun, outgoing or relaxed. I’ve always been a shy one. What would parties be like without pre-gaming?

Ready to rule giant Jenga

I envied other people who could drink normally—take-it-or-leave-it people who didn’t scrutinize the size of the pour, who could stop at one glass or leave an unfinished glass on the table. People like my husband, who is famous in our family for his abandoned beers.

Yet thanks to a supportive family, especially my amazing hubby, various books (particularly “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace, “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober,” by Catherine Gray,  “The Sober Diaries” by Clare Pooley and “Mrs. D is Going Without” by Lotta Dann) as well as boss sober bloggers like Laura McKowen, Holly Whitaker and, especially, Kate Bee of The Sober School, my mind has been put at ease.

When starting down the sober path, I soon realized that I was not alone in my desire to do so before having a big rock bottom moment. I also realized that there is no shame in wanting to give up an addictive substance—no matter how highly functioning someone is, and regardless of how highly regarded alcohol is in our society.

A friend recently shared, “Choosing to drink today is choosing to steal joy from tomorrow.” That sums it up for me. I may have still gone to HIIT classes the morning after drinking way more than I had planned, and not missed any deadlines, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a bit rough. I didn’t fully realize just how rough it was until I started doing those classes—and life—well hydrated and rested.

A dreamy morning run on Edisto Island with my man

Annie Grace, bestselling author of “This Naked Mind,” recently celebrated the 100th episode of her This Naked Mind podcast. In it, she and TNM coach Scott Pinyard rattled off an impromptu Top 100 list of advice, learning and insights from their respective sober journeys. I resonate with the vast majority of their clear-headed discoveries. It’s an hour-long podcast, but if you would like to have a clear picture of happiness in sobriety, take a listen.

Like Grace and Pinyard, since giving up my wine habit, it’s not as if my life has been all sunshine and rainbows. I am still not a morning person. Our AC broke during one of the hottest weeks of the spring. I still get migraines. Traffic still stinks. Bad things still happen to people I love. But I cope in a healthier way. A major sweat session isn’t going to bring regret the next day. A cathartic cry, a mug of chamomile, a call to an old friend or some cranking up of the Sonos won’t wake me up at 2 a.m. with a dry mouth and feelings of doom.

These days, it’s not like I never get down, but when I do, I work on it. And, in general, I am much more optimistic. 

Rainbows are more vivid; the beach, more breathtaking; and I swear exercise endorphins are stronger than ever before. I have deeper conversations with people. Food has more flavor. I have more patience. My sleep is nothing short of amazing; checking out my sleep tracking results is something I look forward to every morning. I don’t complain as much; I now realize I had become so negative. If something isn’t working, I try to fix it. I’ve lost five pounds. My skin has improved. My eyes are clearer. I get so much more done. I remember TV shows after a long hiatus! I have time to read! (I’ve finished over a dozen books already this year; I used to be lucky to finish one or two.) Simple things like laundry and doing dishes don’t seem like as big of a chore. I love the freedom of always being able to drive home or to the store at any time of day; that never gets old. Need a DD? Call me.

I’m no longer in the early-sobriety pink cloud of seeing everything in technicolor, but the view is mighty fine. 

My love bugs

This is a not a post to convince everyone to quit drinking. You do you. I truly don’t judge or feel bothered by anyone else who drinks around me. These are simply the words of someone who is incredibly grateful to be on the other side of things these days, someone who is amazed and encouraged by her sober friends she met in the process, and who is proud of the work she’s done to get here. 

I don’t have to take things day by day, hoping my willpower will prevent me from giving in; alcohol doesn’t appeal to me anymore. That is HUGE; if you know me well, you know it is. Thank the Good Lord, it no longer has pull with me. I am incredibly grateful for that. And if my words can offer hope to even one person who is struggling with moderating, putting myself out here in this way is worth it. I am forever in debt to the writers I mentioned in this post.

Long live nojitos and Beck’s NA.

[eaglechica19]

IS LEONARD CAUL THE MEMORY SNATCHER? (AND OTHER FUN THEORIES FROM 4.19)

@redandlizzie this is for you ;-)

Okay, so pure speculation here, but I wanted to look at this Dr. Krilov guy a little closer and theorize about the bombshell he dropped last night - that he supposedly treated Lizzie a second time two years ago and erased another memory of hers... 

Also, were we given the final clue as to who was actually fighting with Lizzie’s bio dad when she shot her father the night of the fire? 

Time to go down the rabbit hole again folks :)

So last night we met THIS Blacklister, one “Dr. Bogdam Krilov.”

Red tells Lizzie that Dr. Krilov is able to suppress and change memories from his patients. Red also admits to having hired Dr. Krilov when Lizzie was a little girl in order to help her forget the traumatic experience of killing her father.

So the episode occurs, and by the end, we have Dr. Krilov in FBI custody, with Lizzie questioning him.

Dr. Krilov admits to Lizzie that he did indeed change/suppress her memory from the night of the fire, just as Red stated at the beginning of the episode.  But then Krilov tells Lizzie that he has actually treated her a second time, only two years ago...

Krillov: “You don’t remember me, do you?”

Lizzie: “From twenty five years ago? No. But then you wouldn’t be very good at your job if I did.”

Krilov: “No, not twenty five years ago. Just two.”

Lizzie: “What are you talking about?”

Krilov: “You were brought to me by a mutual acquaintance of ours who wanted me to take away certain memories from you.”

Lizzie: “What memories?”

Krilov: “Let’s just say you had uncovered a certain truth about Raymond Reddington and he couldn’t have that.”

Lizzie: “You’re lying.”

Krilov: “No. I’m not lying. And I think you know that. So let’s make a deal. Full immunity. I walk. In exchange for the memories I took from you.”

Lizzie: “That’s not going to happen.”

Krilov: “That is a shame. For all of us. But more so for you than for me, I suspect.”

Lizzie then calls Red and asks him about this supposed second memory suppression, and Red is genuinely confused.

He tells Lizzie that he only ever hired Krilov the one time, when Lizzie was a child. (And Red doesn’t lie to Lizzie.) He wonders outloud if Krilov’s statement to Lizzie about a second session is, for lack of a better phrase, simply a mindf**k by the man, stating, “Kaplan is using Krilov. She’s using him to pull at threads. To continue to unravel my life. He’s sidelined Ressler. He’s trying to do the same to you.”

So from Red’s statements, it sounds like he believes that a second memory session never occurred and that Krilov is simply blowing proverbial smoke.

But I personally don’t think he was. I think Krilov was telling the truth. But if Red didn’t hire him again, then who did? And what major discovery did Lizzie make that someone felt needed to be kept from her?

Let’s look at the options and what criteria needs to be met in order to be that person...

Krilov states that it’s someone who is a “mutual acquaintance” of both her and himself.

This means that it is someone who has been involved in this mystery likely since the very beginning.

It would have to be someone who is very familiar with Red, possibly knowing his “deep secret.”

It would probably be someone who has knowledge of the night of the fire and the Fulcrum.

So who can we check off the list right away?

Tom, Jacob, Christopher, Tim, Whatever Name He Is Using Now

Tom likes to act like he has all the answers, especially when he’s talking to Lizzie in regards to Red, but as we saw when Tom was talking with Jolene Parker (before he killed her), he actually has no idea what the real connection is between Red and Lizzie. I highly doubt he knows Dr. Krilov either. And he definitely doesn’t know anything about the night of the fire or the Fulcrum.

Kate

It also can’t be Kate, as we learned in this episode that even though she was aware of Dr. Krilov from the time Red used him twenty five years ago, she never actually met him before. Krilov himself has no idea who Kate is when she first introduced herself, asking her, “Who are you?” I also don’t think it was Kate for the simple reason that if she was aware of some deep dark secret of Red’s, there is no way she would take that memory from Lizzie in order to keep that quiet. She would use it in order to hurt him and take him down.

Laurel Hitchens (or the Cabal)

Even though it appeared at first that Hitchens was in on the memory manipulation of Ressler last night, we later learned that that was not the case. Laurel had no idea about Kate’s plan to manipulate Ressler’s memory in order to make him go after her and get himself arrested. She also had no idea that Dr. Krilov even existed.

Kate wasn’t doing it as any favor to Laurel though either - she was doing it in hopes of discrediting Ressler and getting him arrested. Him possibly being successful and killing Laurel probably would have been a bonus for Kate, but not of that much importance. And like Kate, I don’t think Laurel or the Cabal knows Red’s deep secret, and if they did, I highly doubt they’d want to keep it under wraps either for the same reason Kate wouldn’t - they want him gone.

(KRILOV ALSO SAID IT WAS A ‘HE’ WHO HIRED HIM...)

Sam

Already dead at this point...

Harold

We have no indication at this time that Harold knew anything about Dr. Krilov before last night. He also doesn’t seem to know the connection between Red and Lizzie yet, so I doubt it’s him. Harold also doesn’t know about the night of the fire - so he’s more than likely out as a possibility as well.

Dom

At this moment, I still don’t think Dom has had any interactions with Lizzie yet, even off screen. I also personally don’t think Dom knows Red’s deep dark secret. Besides, Dom wasn’t even in the story yet two years ago.

Kirk

Neither was he.

So where does that leave us? How about this guy?...

Leonard Caul

Exactly two years ago, we were on episode 2.19 - “Leonard Caul.”

Leonard Caul knows Lizzie. He knows Red. He very well may know Dr. Krilov.

Leonard Caul probably knows about the night of the fire and the search for the Fulcrum, as he was the one who created it, and more than likely created the interface for it too. He is also obviously aware of the damning files that are contained on it.

Like Red, Caul had to disappear after the events of the Fulcrum, as the Cabal was after him as well because of what it contained. (Caul isn’t even his real name, but is an alias used to help him hide.) He has been in hiding for decades, and the Cabal is still after him, as we saw by his slashed throat and missing finger.

While he may not have known Red personally until this episode, we learned in in 2.19 and the subsequent episodes that both Caul and Red had a mutual association through Alan Fitch.

Alan Fitch told Red before he died to go to his safe in St. Petersburg. Once there, Red located a business card with a phone number on it. We later learn that the phone number connects Red with Leonard Caul. 

Caul tells us that Fitch wanted Red and him to meet once he learned that he was being “outed” from the Cabal. He knew his time was running out. In my opinion, Fitch was always sort of rooting for Red.

Somehow, (as this part still remains a mystery) Red knows the location of the mysterious limousine hidden under the Kenyon family compound AND has the key for it. 

There is some speculation that Red knows the location for the car and has the key for it because it is the car that he used to drive while spying on Katerina and Lizzie’s father while working undercover at the Summer Palace. 

That theory can found here. 

And for that theory to work, you must be on board with one of the “Imposter Red” theories as well.

Which can be found here: “Red Is An Imposter” Theory

And here: “Lizzie’s Father Stole Red’ Identity” Theory (This will be posted and linked hopefully in the next day or so)

Red gets into the driver’s seat and the car starts right up, even though it looks like that battery should have died years ago. Inside the trunk Red finds the interface for the Fulcrum.

Red already has the key for the interface, as he somehow knew that it was located on the property of Maddox Beck in “The Front.”

In “Leonard Caul,” after Red is shot, Dembe sends Lizzie to Red’s secret apartment to retrieve the key from his desk. As she is leaving however, she is confronted by Caul, who tells Lizzie that if she trusts Red, she’ll give him the Fulcrum. Lizzie does, and Caul shows her the files located on the device. Caul is obviously on Red’s side at this point.

Now here’s the interesting thing... We know from Caul’s own words that he created the Fulcrum. (We still do not know however, how or where he retrieved all of this damning evidence on the Cabal, why he felt the need to personally create the device that could store all of those files, or who told him to make it.)

We also know that Lizzie’s father seemed to have been the one who stole it all those years ago as we saw in the flashback fire scenes... (It is more than likely Lizzie’s father who hid her in the closet that night. He also put her stuffed bunny in her arms - the bunny that contained the Fulcrum which Lizzie later found while in her motel room.)

In ‘Luther Braxton, Part II,’ we learn that both Red and Katerina went to his house in Cape May to not only find Lizzie, who had been taken from the Summer Palace, but to retrieve the Fulcrum as well. That night turned into the night of the fire. 

By this point if you still believe Red is Lizzie’s father, you’re already out of the game and should just stop reading...

So if Lizzie’s father initially stole the Fulcrum as we have been led to believe, isn’t it possible that he stole it from the creator - Leonard Caul? 

Now here’s where the Imposter Theor(ies) comes into play...

If Lizzie’s father was the one who stole it from Caul, then Caul may very well know the secret that Lizzie somehow figured out (off screen apparently) about Red. 

Either that:

1. Her father stole OUR Red’s identity all those years ago and Red has been trying ever since to use Lizzie to find out the truth about what happened to his family and clear his name and/or seek revenge

OR

2. OUR Red is in fact an imposter who took over the real Raymond Reddington’s identity (after Lizzie killed him the night of the fire) in order to keep Lizzie safe from the Cabal and possibly Russia

More Evidence Pointing To Caul Knowing The ‘Truth...’ About Red:

LEONARD CAUL NEVER CALLS RED BY HIS NAME. EVER. HE ‘REFERS’ TO HIM BY NAME TO OTHER PEOPLE (LIKE LIZ), BUT NEVER DIRECTLY ADDRESSES RED HIMSELF, AS EITHER RED, RAYMOND, OR REDDINGTON ON SCREEN.

We also see Red and Caul working together to help Lizzie against the Cabal while Red is recovering from his gunshot wound over the next several episodes. It can assumed that they are still working together.

He also has apparently been keeping tabs on both Red and Lizzie for quite some time, maybe well before the events we witnessed in 2.19.

In closing, if Caul is truly helping Red to try to take down their common enemy of the Cabal, and he figured out Red’s ultimate secret, he may have worried that Lizzie knowing the truth about Red would put Red at a severe disadvantage in trying to complete his mission, whatever that ultimate mission is.

Now HOW or WHEN did Lizzie supposedly figure out this secret of Red’s? 

We haven’t been told yet. But think about this... We did not get to see everything that transpired between Lizzie and Caul in Red’s apartment in 2.19. Most of that happened off screen. Caul could have either accidentally let Red’s secret slip, thinking Lizzie was already aware of it, or perhaps there was something in the Fulcrum or Red’s apartment that tipped her off or triggered a real memory. We simply don’t know. And as of now, like I said above, this theory is complete speculation on my part and has no real evidence proving it.

It IS interesting however to hear Dr. Krilov’s final words to Lizzie during their interaction.

Krilov tells Lizzie he is willing to give her back her stolen memories in exchange for immunity. Lizzie tells him that that’s “not going to happen.” Krilov laments that that is unfortunate, probably more so for Lizzie than anyone else. I think this is a clue that IF this is what the big secret is about Red, (that somehow either her father or Red is an imposter) we won’t find out for quite some time, as TPTB have told us that the connection between Red and Lizzie won't be revealed until the end of the series. 

Now off to a more tangent thought regarding the original memory that Red hired Dr. Krilov to suppress...

We know from past episodes that Red had Lizzie’s memory from the night of the fire suppressed in order to protect her from the knowledge that she shot and killed her father. 

But last night we learned something new. Dr. Krilov doesn’t just suppress memories, he ALTERS them. This is something that Dr. Orchard warned Lizzie about in ‘Luther Braxton, Part II.’

In the flashback scenes in 2.10 we see Lizzie walking down the hallway towards the open window. At this point you can see two men fighting. The one on the left seems to be wearing a fedora.

Lizzie is then confronted by her younger self, who tries to turn Lizzie away.  Lizzie persists, and her younger self runs off screaming down the hall.  Lizzie then wakes up and states that she has just seen her father. (This would indicate that Red and her father were the ones fighting in front of the open window.)

Next we have another flashback scene of Lizzie in the hallway approaching the open window again.

We see Lizzie struggling against someone in the hallway who is blocking her path.  We are shown present day Red talking to Lizzie, while Lizzie stares at the person in front of her in the flashback.  She seems to recognize the person.

She then struggles against the person in the hallway while in the present day, she pushes against Red who is in front of her.

The person blocking her path in the hallway in her flashback is Katerina.  You can clearly see the long hair and figure of a woman pushing against Lizzie.

Lizzie looks past Katerina and again sees two men fighting, and just like in her other flashback, we see one of those men wearing a fedora.

In the next part, the two men are still fighting in front of the open window while little Lizzie looks on.  We can hear Katerina yelling at someone to “stop,” and “get away.”  (For now we are to presume she is yelling this at little Lizzie).

We also hear her father yell “Don’t tempt me!” Meanwhile, present day Red is still trying to turn Lizzie back down the hallway. We see grown Lizzie push past Katerina, followed by little Lizzie screaming.

This is immediately followed by a gunshot and the image of a man putting on a fedora while walking away.  Little Lizzie then runs off down the hall to hide in the closet again.

So at this point in the series we are led to believe that Red and Lizzie’s father were fighting in front of the open window while Katerina held little Lizzie back.  A gunshot then went off, followed by Red walking away and Lizzie running off down the hallway.

(NOTE: YOU ONLY REALLY SAW THIS FOOTAGE IF YOU SLOWED IT DOWN AND LIGHTENED IT UP, SO I DON’T THINK IT’S SOMETHING TPTB TRULY THOUGHT MOST VIEWERS WOULD SEE CLEARLY.)

Fast forward to 2.22 and we get a new flashback from Lizzie...

When Lizzie shoots Tom Connolly, it triggers a new memory of that night.

Lizzie remembers that she shot her father the night of the fire.  She tells Red that she was in the hallway and saw her parents fighting. Her father was hurting her mother, Katerina, and so she picked up the dropped gun and shot him.

So now the question becomes... which memory is the REAL memory, and which is the ALTERED one?

We’ve been led to believe that the real memory is of her parents fighting in front of the open window, because this is the most recent version we have been shown. It is also the one that Lizzie truly seems to ‘remember’ after it is triggered by her shooting of Connolly. But perhaps that is not the case. Perhaps the actual real unaltered memory is the FIRST one we were shown, of Red and Lizzie’s father fighting. This would explain Red’s terrified expression in both 2.10 and 2.22. 

Let’s revisit Red’s reaction when Lizzie is reliving her memories in ‘Luther Braxton, Part II’ first.

Red tells Lizzie, “You don’t want to see this. What you want to see, what you need to find, is the Fulcrum.” As present day Lizzie gets more and more agitated, Red becomes nervous, telling her, “Lizzie, turn around. Go back. You don’t want to go in there. Lizzie, turn around and go back. Go back. Go back.” 

After the gunshot goes off, Lizzie begins to ‘wake up.’ Red now looks terrified, asking Dr. Orchard...

Red never really finds out what she saw in this scene... only that Lizzie remembers that he was there that night. She doesn’t confront him about supposedly seeing him fighting with her father, so maybe she doesn’t actually realize what she had seen in her memory. Red seems to have decided to let the issue drop at this point, possibly hoping that his secret is safe.

Flash forward again to 2.22 when Red goes to meet Lizzie in the park after she shot Connolly.

Lizzie tells Red, “I remember. I remember everything.”

Red looks terrified at this point. He asks her, “Remember what?”

Lizzie: “The night of the fire. I know what happened. And I understand why you didn’t want me to find out.”

At this, Red looks like a doomed man. Lizzie knows his secret. He is waiting for the hammer to fall. 

He literally gulps and has a grimace on his face. He believes Lizzie is about to accuse him of being the reason her father is dead. He is literally bracing for the fall out.

Lizzie: “When I shot Connolly, when I pulled the trigger, it came back to me. It was like I was there. I could hear them arguing. He was hurting her. And I know why my father died that night. I shot him.” 

At this, Red seems crestfallen, but relieved. You can see him physically relax at her recollection.

Lizzie continues, “That’s why you blocked my memory. Not to protect yourself. To protect me.”

Red has a shameful look on his face, and mumbles quietly, “Yeah.” He looks beyond guilty at this point.

After last night’s episode, and learning that Lizzie’s memory was not simply suppressed, as Red as told her, but was actually altered by Dr. Krilov, I believe Lizzie has it wrong. Her first memory (the one ironically that she apparently didn’t really ‘see’ clearly in 2.10) was the correct one and that it was in fact Red and her father fighting, and NOT her parents fighting, as she remembered in 2.22. 

I always gave Red the benefit of the doubt that the reason he seemed so concerned with Lizzie turning around in the hallway in 2.10 and why he seemed so distraught at the end of 2.22 was because he was simply afraid of Lizzie finding out she killed her father and her having to live with that guilt. But I now think that is only part of it. Red feels guilty because HE was the one fighting with Lizzie’s father when she pulled the trigger and killed her dad, NOT Katerina.

By altering her memory of this event, he succeeded in accomplishing two things:

He is now no longer a part of the original memory, thus he can hide the fact (at least from Lizzie for now) that he is somewhat responsible for her father’s death by her hand.

By replacing himself with Katerina in the memory, it alleviates some of the guilt Lizzie would feel for killing her father. Shooting the man hurting your mother sounds much less harsh than shooting your father while he fights essentially a stranger.

So while I think the fact that Lizzie shot and killed her dad remains canon, I personally believe her memory of it being a fight between her parents is false.

This may have been what has led to all of the guilt felt by Red through the years. The killing of Lizzie’s father led to Katerina’s apparent suicide, thus robbing Lizzie of both of her parents, making Lizzie feel completely responsible for it.

And while technically Red isn’t lying when he tells her again and again that she killed her father and that that’s why he suppressed her memory, he also is intentionally omitting the fact that he was more directly involved than she realizes.

He tries to alleviate some of her misguided self blame (and consequently his own guilt for putting it all on her) by telling her again and again, “You were a child.”

I personally do not think this is the ultimate secret that Red is keeping from Lizzie, (as he has admitted similar bad things to her in the past after she has confronted him about them) and I also do not believe this is what the person removed from Lizzie’s memory two years ago but I think it IS an important one.

(If it WAS Caul who removed the memory, I don’t think he would know who exactly was fighting with Lizzie’s dad that night. That’s a VERY specific thing to know unless you were there.)

If this proves to be true, (that Red was the one fighting with her father instead of it being her mother as she remembers) it essentially led to a snow ball effect of horrible events for Lizzie through the years.

Just one more thing for Red to feel guilty about.

Anyways, those are my thoughts... hopefully if some of you actually read this far, you enjoyed it. And as usual, I’d love to hear your ideas and discussion on it!

Thanks as always!!!

[kevoreally]

#BuffyAt20 - S03E07 “Revelations”

Wow so this is the first time I’ve been able to do my #BuffyAt20 on the actual date all season! Been a hectic couple of months. And what an episode to be caught up for! Let’s dive in.

> There’s way more Dingoes this season than I remember there being the last time I watched.

> Oh god I forgot it was this teaser. “Oh it’s so crowded, why won’t Xander go near Willow?” Aren’t jokes about cheating in front of your partner funny?

> No one gets it when I say “I’m here through Saturday, enjoy the veal.”

> I love Willow noticing Buffy is acting strange.

> Cordelia almost comes across as empathetic in this scene, talking about Buffy’s trauma, except for the horrifying phraseology.

> I’m guessing Buffy/Faith shippers loved the “really, we’re just good friends” bit in this teaser?

> The look on Giles’s face when Gwendolyn says she’s the new Watcher, you have to assume some part of him wonders “Is this finally it? Am I finally fired?”

> Can I take like five seconds to talk about how great this show was? Like, it was serious but never hyper-dramatic, funny but not over-silly. It paved the way for so many teen-aimed sci-fi/fantasy series we have today. I just love it.

> I love that Eliza got an “as Faith” on her credit.

> WHY WOULD GILES NEED THE LABYRINTH MAPS OF MALTA WHEN HE LIVES IN SUNNYDALE?

> “Hmm. academic probation’s not so funny today, huh, Giles?” Forever loving that moment.

> This woman is such a beautiful sociopath. She literally gives Giles five seconds to produce an image of demon she just mentioned before belittling him. If he was thinking rationally, he would recognize that she was being impossible, but she’s got him so frazzled that he’s just getting more and more agitated. This woman should have been a recurring villain who teamed up with Ethan Rayne.

> 12 cemeteries in Sunnydale?? Dayumn!

> “Interesting lady. Can we kill her?” “I think the Council might frown upon that.” is another exchange that made its way into my vernacular.

> Huh! Same “Thai Chi” theme this week that was introduced last week in “Band Candy.” Not a complaint.

> Oh good lord, Angel, you knew coming near her was a bad idea.

> And Buffy’s the one to pull away. Gosh, she’s just so strong. He’s so friggin’ weak.

> I gotta say, the difference between Buffy and Twilight is at least Buffy doesn’t try to pretend that the protagonist is some plain blah who people are all bizarrely attracted to. Buffy’s outside matches her inside - she’s pretty freaking gorgeous.

> Okay, Giles still hasn’t found info about Lagos hours later? That’s pretty fail there, Giles.

> I don’t find Xander’s “you’re not the Watcher of me” jab as annoying as I usually would, he’s already starting to soften. And Giles’s “then go home” is both fair and soft. Great exchange all around.

> Hey, Xander actually did stop during a speech about “no means no.” Mitigated by Willow then grabbing and kissing him, but it’s something.

> As an enormous Christophe Beck fan, I don’t even like the Xillow music theme. That’s how much I hate everything about this story and like to pretend it never happened.

> There’s some Faith spin-off book that shows all the boyfriends Faith mentions in this scene. Just a note.

> I don’t find the “life with Angel is - was complicated” slip to be as sloppy as I’d normally find stuff like that. The wound is still fresh. Makes some amount of sense.

> Is this, like, the first time we’re seeing Faith get her own scene without any of our regulars in it? Apart from her ragging on Scott in “Homecoming,” I think it might be. Interesting.

> And of course it’s Xander who first learns Angel is back FROM SEEING HIM AND BUFFY MAKE OUT. That really feels like a Season 2 idea that they kept but Xander had grown beyond by now. I really get no jealousy over Buffy and Angel from his character anymore, so all of this stuff making him an antagonist to them feels very forced.

> I really wonder who initiated this first re-kiss between Buffy and Angel. It was very smart to never show us.

> Ooh, actually, the way they take makes it sound very much like Angel did it. Yet they never showed us that. Very interesting choice.

> Also I always forget that Angel hadn’t shown her the Glove yet. In my head, I always make it that they’re celebrating him finding it. So, what, she showed up and he just went for it? HOW DID THEY GET THERE?

> “A person slips up on the little things and suddenly everything’s gone to hell in a handbasket.” She’s belittling Giles for every minor thing he’s doing wrong while he’s missing the most glaring minor thing he’s forgotten to do: CHECK WITH THE COUNCIL.

> You know, if anything, it makes sense that he wouldn’t want to check with the Council the more she belittles him. She’s the voice of the Council right now. Reaching out to them would mean hearing it from more people. GOSH, why am I fascinated by this episode today??

> Written by Doug Petrie, by the way. His first!

> I appreciate that they didn’t go for a joke of Giles shouting “WHAT?” or something while Xander is whispering in front of Post. That would have made him look really bad.

> They’ve literally set up an intervention circle for her, this scene is so intense.

> Cordelia hasn’t even spoken yet and I’m already dreading it.

> “I feel worried - about me!” Oh right, there it is.

> I love Willow in this scene. I always think about her during arguments when I try to focus on “I -” Statements.

> “But you were kissing him.” Oh Oz. But y’know, he says it so non-confrontationally. It’s a statement of fact. Making sure to say it before anyone else can lob it like a weapon, too.

> “I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.” I’m, like, surprisingly pretty on board with Xander in this scene. I think he’s being a little more spiky than he needs to be but I know I do the same.

> I love Giles deescalating the scene. I forgot he does that, and he does it SO well.

> Oh but then Buffy thinks he’s on her side. Dude, NO.

> I really appreciate Giles not weaponizing Jenny’s death against Buffy in this scene here in his office. He comes pretty hard but he is entitled to go so much harder, honestly.

> “Vampires rarely knock. Especially in daylight.” No but really, Faith.

> “Wild stab, a bunch of guys from Spart?” Lol. Also this was where I and most of my friends first learned about the Spartans.

> Gwendolyn offers to train with Faith but then we don’t see it. I find it hard to picture this granny-ishly dressed woman doing physical training. But maybe that’s me.

> Willow works so hard to keep her friendship with Buffy normal over the years, it makes Buffy’s instant acceptance of Willow on her return from England in Season 7 all the more lovely.

> This pool scene where Xander talks about killing Angel was in the commercial. So was Faith saying it in the Library later.

> See, she hasn’t even changed her clothes! How did she train in that skirt??

> Does Gwendolyn Post ever change her clothes in this entire episode…?

> I can’t remember if I was surprised that Post turned out to be evil. Probably not.

> Willow making Buffy’s pain about cheating on her own boyfriend with their best friend right now is pretty gross.

> Also, asking if the secrecy made it sexier is a weird level of psychology to give Willow at this point in her character’s journey.

> I actually wish Willow had told Buffy about her and Xander here. It’s the obvious choice to make Buffy remain in the dark but imagine the dynamic if Buffy becomes the only other person who knew. Maybe Willow doesn’t even tell Xander that Buffy knows. Hm.

> Willow’s little cheer-dance when Buffy slays the demon is what this show is truly about.

> Xander and I have similar taste in weapons.

> Also Xander slowing down and realizing Angel can’t have done this is a big moment for him, tbh.

> Omigod Buffy THROWING THE SWORD away when she sees the cops is hilarious.

> Do you think the reason these EMTs are so testy is because they’re constantly being called to this location?

> Oh and here Xander ruins that moment of earlier growth by being a child at Buffy. At least Willow’s not having any of it. She knows what’s up: always follow Buffy.

> Okay, maybe Gweny can throw down in that skirt after all, with the way she turns that shove into a stake.

> “I can’t believe how much I’m gonna kill you.” “You’re not gettin’ that glove.” Wow. Angel and Faith meeting for the first time. It’s wild how linked those characters have now become.

> Plus, Buffy sort of emotionlessly shutting Faith down when she’s trying to do good also sets an ongoing tone for these two.

> Fun fact: the Glove of Myhnegon is one of the game pieces in my self-made Buffy Monopoly.

> How many Buffy/Faith fights are there this season? 3? I think it’s here, “Enemies,” and “Graduation Day, Part I.” (Or is there even one in “Enemies”?)

> Stopping Willow must’ve been all the more cathartic for Xander after years of stuff like trying to stop Buffy and Faith from fighting only to get slapped into a wall.

> The lightning was supposed to take the form of a falcon and land on the glove and it was gonna be all this cool stuff, but it was 1998. That shit would’ve been expensive AF back then. They could probably do it now.

> Gosh, that one shot of Post using the Glove from the credits! Love it.

> Ugh, but then Buffy and Faith come together to stop her! So lovely.

> “Sounds like I missed a lot of fun.” That’s a really interesting choice, having the characters absent from the scene commenting on their absence. I don’t know why.

> Omigosh I just remembered the time I watched this episode on DVD with the French language track and English subtitles. Like. Just for the experience. ...It is not one that I repeated.

> “But I trust you.” “I don’t. Just for the record.” NO ONE CARES, CORDY.

> “They swear there was a memo” is one of my favorite commentaries on bureaucracy ever.

> Giles actually composes himself fairly well throughout all of the Angel stuff, I never really give him much credit.

> UGH. Okay, one of my least favorite things about the Buffy/Faith dynamic is how many times it feels like they should break new ground and don’t. Like here or Christmas. So annoying.

> LIKE THIS. “Buffy?” “Yeah?” “Nothing.” YOU DON’T NEED TO BE SISTERS, but would it have killed you to JUST say “thanks”? Ugh. This episode is portent for the fact that they were doomed to never connect, and it just makes me sad.

ON THAT NOTE. Next week is, on the one hand, a hilarious guest spot from Spike and, on the other hand, finally the awkward choking death of Xillow. Fun times all around!