#it's annoyance at the societal aspect of it as a whole

[torchickentacos]

I never do this, but reblogs were off and I want to shout this at everyone. stealing this post.

more thoughts under read more. I know it's a popular saying and I never look down on people who say things like this before knowing the impact they have (or even after to an extent, I have too much benefit of the doubt to go around), as we all have things we say and do that have negative impacts, and sometimes you never know to change that until someone points it out. So this is NOT a call out post or whatever, this is my rambling emotional thoughts on a topic.

I think first and foremost, I'm bothered by the ableism of course. But secondary to that is my annoyance at seeing people act high and mighty about fandom discourse. Like, if you want to talk to adults with jobs, go to linkedin or something, not tumblr, where we do care about things, and where we do discuss things.

And I GET thinking some discourse is stupid. I DO! because guess what. some discourse is stupid skjfhsdjkjfhsdjfhkdjs. I've joked about the poke/amour stuff before. I'll clown on some things, and maybe that makes me a hypocrite, but I feel like a step is taken when you take it from 'making fun of the discourse', something we all do to an extent (which dare I say is a form of participating in it) to 'making fun of the people who engage in such discourse'. We are FREE to talk about how silly the voltron stuff was. We are FREE to be snarky about things because human nature is to be a bit of a hater sometimes. but do it in a way that jabs at the topic and not the people.

But I think a lot of it also hinges on how we see human value on a larger scale. People make fun of people who work retail, people who don't have jobs, people whose jobs are considered extra or undesirable like sex workers, et cetera, despite these jobs being IMPORTANT. It's disheartening to me to see people lean on these types of jabs, and I think it tends to paint human value as something purely based on what you can give out to the world. It leans on this sort of input-output based system of determining how valuable or worthy someone is. And if they don't meet that standard value of 'adult with job', then their opinions are moot as jobless losers in their mom's basements or whatever the fuck. I think the whole thing leans into the conservative 'special snowflake' attitude, which isn't something I think we should be leaning on in arguments or discussion.

And I think that the intent is usually not to be ableist. Most people don't start their day wondering how they can insult disabled people, I'd hope. But intent and impact are often detached, and good intent (avoiding discourse) can have a bad impact (making fun of people in the name of pointing out issues with disocurse). I also think race could be a component, given how racial discrimination in hiring is still a very real thing and is a real factor preventing people from getting 'GoOd ReAl JoBs', but I'll leave that side of the discussion to someone who is more qualified to talk on it than I am. Feel free to chime in with any insight on that side of the coin if you want!!! I imagine the same also goes for visibly queer people but I'm not going to get into the straight/cis passing stuff right now.

And maybe I'm looking too far into it. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much, maybe it's just a funny little saying that TOTALLY doesn't affect actual people in any way. After all, I'm just some jobless disabled loser in my parent's house talking about discourse on tumblr, aren't I?

[briefcasejuice]

Hi! :D I’m avoiding course work and I’m just genuinely curious.

Now it’s been a while since I’ve been into comics/superheroes but when I first followed you I remember you enjoyed the Netflix Defenders series, more specifically DD. Can I ask why u don’t as much anymore?

that's so real of you

the more i got into the comics the more i realised how very much sucks the route they took in the dd show upheld a lot of ableist, racist and white christian (the distinction of them using catholicism over any other branch of christianity is important to my establishing of the choice's explicit whiteness (but specifically in correlation to the concept of white supremacy)) beliefs which kind of acted in direct opposition to matt murdock's original characterisation. there's also a fundamental misunderstanding of the comics in general and how each run related to each other and what they meant for the title as a whole and this misunderstanding definitely negatively affected the show's plot and how it went about establishing and developing relationships. then, the fanbase is even worse; it not only upholds but also adds onto and perpetuates the heteronormative and ableist aspects of the tv show by infantalising and dehumanising matt murdock but at the same time, carnally desiring the seeing man that plays him while willingly ignoring what the racism and changing of many aspects of matt's core beliefs to be directly aligned with catholicism means about the messages the writers and directors wanted the show to portray. at first, it's just petty annoyances here and there but looking at the root causes of fandom discourses is kind of stomach turning; these fandom discourses worsen because when you think about it, putting ableist and heteronormative people who are fixated on a catholic character in one, very small and echo-y space breeds the worst fandom habits i've ever experienced -- who would have guessed? there's a very specific kind of ego attributed to the fanbase that's akin to that of mcu twitter bros in which they refuse to read the source material and when you look for any kind of reasoning for this, it jumps right out at you: reading the comics in which matt murdock's personality isn't propped on these harmful, very christian and white societal ideals means explicitly confronting their own morals, especially when it comes to humanising disabled people (which they can never do because in the end, they were attracted to charlie cox and not matt murdock specifically) and even perhaps entirely discarding the idea of enjoying/understanding a character they're either not attracted to or one they are, but they feel they shouldn't be attracted to.

also i'm just very hyperfixated on mike murdock and have been for almost two years straight.

[setmeatopthepyre]

Mental Health Tips

So, I was looking through my mood tracker recently and realized there’s been a gradual but undeniable increase of good days and a decrease of bad days, and it hit me that yeah, I have been doing better and better. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that getting my ADHD diagnosis in January was a life changer. There’s a (great) book on ADD called You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? and that was exactly how I felt. Wait, all the things I’ve been struggling with, all the times I beat myself up over my lack of discipline or worried that I had a brain tumor because I’d forget things in seconds or thought I might be bipolar because I could go from the highest highs to extreme lows multiple times a day, that was all because of one thing? Amazing!

Anyway, realization is one thing. Then there was medication (also a life changer), and therapy, and look where we are now! Over the past year I’ve learned a few things that have had a huge positive impact on my mental health, and I thought they might be useful for others struggling with their mental health, whether it’s ADHD or something else.

You’re not the only one

Just to start off nice and cheesy, but it’s true. The reason it might feel like you’re the only one dealing with what you’re dealing with and struggling to do what seems so easy to others, is because mental health is still stigmatized and not something people generally talk about. But that doesn’t mean they don’t know it.

When I got my diagnosis, I talked about it a lot. Part of it was hyperfocus; it was something that was on my mind a lot so it became my one subject to fall back on. However, another part of it was knowing that if I’d known what ADHD really was earlier, my life would have been so much better so much sooner. At times I was sure I brought it up too much, but I’m glad I did. Being open about my mental health issues made people around me open up about theirs. Whether it’s people you know IRL or a tumblr page with mental health memes, that affirmation that other people have the same quirks and struggles as you do helps so much.

The bare minimum is better than nothing

Yes, it’s obvious. It’s still something I struggle with because there’s that little voice that goes ‘yes, but I should be able to do more’. Guess what? That there thought qualifies as not one, but two negative thinking patterns: should-statements and all-or-nothing thinking. Just because you think you should be able to do something doesn’t mean that’s the best choice for you, or realistic. Besides, who says you should? Society? Society knows nothing.

Thinking you should just be able to do all your dishes but getting overwhelmed at the prospect of doing so isn’t helpful. Washing a single dish, or even just rinsing one because that’s all you can manage? That’s still better than nothing.

That said, yes, strive for progress over perfection, but remember that progress is not the bare minimum. Sometimes, the bare minimum is maintaining the status quo, or even just making sure things get slightly less worse than they could have. And that is okay.

Remove steps & automate

Speaking of which: often it’s possible to make the absolute minimum easier. How? By removing obstacles, simplifying things so that they don’t take as many steps or spoons to complete. If your laundry basket is in the bathroom while you tend to undress in your bedroom, that’s where you move your laundry basket. Personally, even having a laundry basket with a lid on it is too many steps for me most of the time. If I can’t chuck my dirty clothes right in, they end up in a pile on the floor. Solution: my laundry basket is within throwing range and doesn’t have a lid.

It only has to work for you

Sure, society dictates that clean clothes go in a wardrobe or a dresser. That’s just the way it’s done. But guess what? When clean clothes start piling up all over my room because I can’t bring up the energy or focus or whatever to put them away, I break out boxes. One box for clean laundry. One box for clothing I’ve worn but isn’t dirty yet. And then the laundry basket goes right beside those boxes in my room, in plain sight. That’s my system until I feel better. If I’m feeling up for it, there’s an extra box so that I can divide my clean clothes up between ‘large’ (aka pants and shirts) and ‘small’ (underwear and socks) to make it easier on myself when I get dressed. Did my laundry? Clean clothes go in the clean clothes box. Wore something but it still smells okay and there’s no stains? Toss them at the ‘worn’ box.

Is it how “things are done” normally? No. Does it mean my clothes are even more crumpled than usual? Yes. However, it also means that there’s less clutter in my room, it’s easier to find something to wear, and there’s less risk of me just living in a pile of trash because my room’s a mess anyway.

Your idea of progress may be different from others. Your coping mechanisms might not work for other people. Your adaptive behaviours may not line up with societal expectations, and that’s fine! In fact, that’s more than fine, because they shouldn’t. They only have to work for you.

Remove forks

So the whole spoon theory is fairly well known in mental health circles, but reading about the Fork Theory was an eye-opener for me. It’s explained here, but because reading that article is another extra step (ooh, so meta), here’s the most important bit:

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

It’s close to the whole ‘removing steps’ thing, but less about making a task easier and more about giving you space to deal with things.

What this means for me is that when I’m having a less than stellar day mentally, I pay extra attention to what clothes I put on in the morning. Nothing too tight, nothing even slightly scratchy. It may be a tiny fork in the morning, but if I’m in a socially difficult situation, it might be a tiny fork too many that will lead to me being overwhelmed or overstimulated. I need to make sure I’m as comfortable as absolutely possible, aka remove as many forks as I can. Sometimes this means shaving my legs even though I think it’s bullshit that I care about that, or wearing clothes that draw as little attention to me as possible. No, I don’t want to care about what others think, but the truth is that part of me does, and I can’t change that right that instant. What I can do is minimize the chance that I get overwhelmed on an already stressful day.

Forks don’t have to be annoyances. They can also be tasks you keep putting off or something you keep reminding yourself of. Sometimes having a self-care day for me means doing all the easy things I’ve been meaning to do for ages but haven’t gotten around to. Sometimes it’s writing down all the things that are buzzing around in my brain, just so that I can assure myself I don’t have to remember them anymore because they’re on paper now. Sometimes it’s turning off notifications for specific apps because seeing them pop up makes me feel guilty when I’m not in the right frame of mind to respond.

Sometimes removing a fork costs spoons, like when I’m at a restaurant with a friend and I know that sitting in a spot where people walk by behind me is a pretty big fork for me, but removing it means asking them if they mind switching spots. That’s when it helps to be open about what you’re dealing with, because most of my close friends know by now that I always prefer to sit with my back to a wall, and I don’t even have to ask.

Compromise and automate

Back to the should-thinking. Sometimes removing forks means throwing all the shoulds out the window because they just aren’t working right now, and you’ll get back to them later. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t think I should care about what other people think, but I’m not there yet, so sometimes making life easier for me means compromising on that and conforming to societal standards if I know I’m going to need everything I have to get through a day. Another example: I feel like I should buy whole vegetables and cut them myself and cook my own meals, because pre-cut and prepackaged things are often more expensive and just contribute to more plastic waste. Okay, cool, but that ideal version of me who has the time and energy to do that hasn’t shown up yet, and in the meantime I need to eat. Buying a pre-packaged meal with actual vegetables in it is still cheaper than ordering pizza because I can’t get myself to cook, and it’s still healthier than trying to fill up on crackers because I couldn’t deal with the social aspect of opening the door for the pizza delivery. 

Sometimes, in order to remove steps, you have to compromise. Sometimes, in order to remove another worry (aka fork), you have to automate. When I first started on meds, I would write down the time I took them, calculate when I’d need to take my next dose, and set an alarm. It made me procrastinate taking my next dose, because it was too many steps. There was an app that did all that for me, but I thought it was ridiculous to pay for an app that did exactly what I should be able to do myself. 

I bought the app. I tap one button and my phone sends me a notification when my next dose is due. I have my phone on silent/no vibrate all the time, because notifications are overwhelming to me, so I have an activity tracker watch that lets me reroute only specific notifications to my watch, and now my watch vibrates when I need to take my next dose. I know this isn’t an option for everyone because obviously those things cost money (and it just goes to show how life is so much easier for the rich because they can automate so much), but if there’s any way to turn something you have to do often into something that will do itself mostly on its own, it may be worth looking into. Yes, even when you think you should be able to do it yourself. 

Are you sure the thing you’re worrying about is a problem?

This may seem super simple and obvious, but I legit had to change the ‘worry flowchart’ my therapist gave me to have an extra first step: ‘Do I have proof the problem exists?’ Spoiler: most of the time the answer is no.

I’m running late, I’m not sure if I’m going to make my bus to work. I’m stressing out about what will happen if I’m late. Maybe my superiors will get angry at me. Maybe this will be one too many times. But guess what? I don’t know if I’ll miss the bus. I might still make it. Until I know for certain that I’m going to be late, there’s no use worrying about what might happen. Even if I end up being late, I don’t have any proof that my superiors will be angry with me. I don’t know yet if the problem even exists, so why act like it does?

Another example: I can beat myself up over the fact that people think I’m lazy because I need to take a break. I feel terrible. I don’t want them to think I’m lazy! I can’t relax even though I desperately need to take a break. I told my therapist, and he asked me for proof. Do I have irrefutable proof that people think I’m lazy? Of course not, that’s an assumption I make. Am I a mind reader? No, I just tend to assume the worst. Okay, so why am I worrying about it if I’m not even sure the problem actually exists? Right.

This is not a moral failing and it does not affect your worth

Building on that: even if people think I’m lazy (and I don’t have proof that’s true!), that doesn’t mean their opinion is fact. Their perception of me is not a moral failing on my part. My therapist made me provide proof for and against the hypotheses that I was lazy, and there was way more proof against that statement. At the time, I was in school four days a week, working three, and had two other projects on the side. If, for example, my parents thought I was lazy for having no energy to do chores on my one free day in two months, (again, I had no proof they even thought that), they would’ve simply been wrong. They could’ve thought it all they wanted, but it did not mean I was lazy.

A lot of symptoms of mental health issues can be perceived by others as negative character traits, and that’s one of the reasons it’s so difficult to discuss sometimes. The thing is: their perceptions and opinions do not actually reflect on you or in any way determine your worth. Your brain going about things differently than theirs is as much your fault as needing glasses is (it isn’t).

And last but not least:

Emotion comes first (and goes last)

That sounds nice and cryptic, right? What I mean is that knowing your immediate reaction to something is unnecessary and that things aren’t as bad as they seem is different from feeling it. Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be emotion. Likewise, it’ll take a while before your emotions catch up with where your brain is going when you reroute your thoughts away from negative places.

The RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that comes with ADHD means that sometimes I have extreme negative emotional reactions to situations. When someone responds a little less enthusiastically than what I’m used to, for example, or when friends talk about something they did without me (even if I wouldn’t have wanted to do that particular thing and they know that), or even when someone didn’t hear what I said, it can cause this void to just open up in my chest and swallow every sense of happiness I may have been feeling. It happens suddenly and drags me straight down to my lowest point.

Lately, in those moments, I’ve been able to check in with myself and analyze what it was that triggered this meltdown. Thanks mostly to therapy I can rationalize that things aren’t so bad, and I can claw my way out of that pit, but that always comes one step after that first instinctual emotional reaction. Likewise, knowing things are fine does not mean the negative emotions disappear straight away. They take some time to dissipate, and I’m a little more emotionally vulnerable for a bit while they do. Emotion happens first, and leaves last.

It can be disheartening. It can feel like progress isn’t being made, but that very realization is progress, even if you’re not feeling it yet. Emotions follow the path they know best, and if for you, like me, that path is automatically assuming the worst, you’re gonna feel the emotions associated with that for a while, even when you rationally know it’s all crap. The thing is, practice makes perfect, and redirecting your thoughts into a more positive direction will, eventually, make that path the easiest one to find. Your feelings may take a little while to figure it out, but they’ll find that path eventually.

I’m not saying I’m cured. I’m not saying I know everything. I have bad days and struggles and all that, but I have been doing better. 

I mentioned it briefly at the beginning of all of this, but I started tracking my mood in July. It’s just one general mood a day, which obviously doesn’t quite display the ups and downs I deal with, but I tried to log the average for the day. I started doing so because I sort of knew I was doing better and better but of course once you get used to something, it becomes the new normal and it’s hard to tell when progress happens, so I tracked it:

[diarrheaworldstarhiphop]

I really am sorry that you didn't enjoy 'our chats' as much as I enjoyed them. You're really good at keeping your cool, you know that? At making it seem like you're doing okay when you're not doing okay, like the things happening are okay when they're not really okay. It'd probably be hard to live your life without a firm handle on that. I really want to talk to you. Really. I like you. I want you to be honest with me, though. Tell me when I'm putting too much on you or treating you too rough. V

ehhhhhh

man, i enjoyed them. i cant help my empathy, frustrations aside, when you ARE genuine with me thats... like not in a dark and threatening way. lol

You have alot of crunchy insights wrt christian philosophy and no reservations in expressing them. Like there are principles often behind it and not a vague, nihilistic moron blackpill thing alot of neoracs have wrapped layers of obfuscation over.

but like, ur ideology seeks to kill me so, shruggie. It was a question of how do i balance my curiousity and intrigue with i guess, ur murderous fervor. You coming into my chat and my twitter to harass me and my friends and peers who simply want to be comfy.jpg was about the final straw of tolerance. I guess that lack of awareness toward that.

also the hate that explodes out of you is immeasurably stressful and simply toxic, even considering my enormous facility for patience, especially when in such a candidly, antisocial manner as in my chat. I couldn't discern if it was COMING FROM SOMEWHERE (lmao psychoanalysis) or if you flatly just didn’t give a shit and wanted the day of the rope for the libidinal excess of it and so on.

If i were to be honest? maybe i feel disappointed. Mostly in myself, for like, not prioritizing my MeNtAL hEaLtH. Thru you and alot of people and groups i was a part of, I kind of saw the futility or a frequent sort of “why the fuck am i even doing this” in engaging with neoreactionaries of ur sort.

I do it because nrx, unlike alot of contemporary ideologues, have a finger on the pulse of the outside, or the threads of darkness that erupt from the abyssal sun. An engagement with undercurrent, subsurface phenomena as well as macro trajectory and societal observation, ie the cathedral. But it’s a balance of mitigating my annoyance and disgust in exchange for that insight and study. Because my process of externalization requires bodies of thought to bounce off of, or else i starve, so to speak. I abhor insulated bubbles of awareness.

But the disgust comes from the way many reactionaries react to that darkness. A violent explosion of incomprehensible pain and fury from glancing strikes that seeks a recontextualized sort of blue pill for security. something to pull you back from yawning abyss. Something to render sense, a phenomenonal rationalization. And that comes down to, well, antisemitism among other things. A human desire to render a one or whole or sort of identifiable well from which suffering pours from. things like antisemitism rely on myth in the familiar way of the unga bunga eternal Other, i guess to put it flatly, as scapegoat. It helps to render sense of great horror by ascribing it to the influence of the Other. “All of your ills is because this tribe poisoned your water,” and orgy of madness ensues. No amount of science and media can diminish this aspect of human nature. A herd morality springs forth to vindicate it, which is the threat. The Human centipede of theory and philosophy that i ascribed to neoreaction, where it begins with neocameralism and arrives at americanized white nationalism and an ideology constructed around mass murder. It’s really easy to craft rhetoric of synchronicities to vindicate such activities, because the ills you see is being produced or caused or effecting everything and everyone. It comes down to mass hypnosis and manipulation and that’s mad gay lol.

Because where it arrives, is simply more generational trauma to no good end. Like a man in a suppressed dark place who murders his wife in an eruption of pent up rage, only to live with the consequences of murdering an innocent, perhaps someone he loved, and STILL live with that darkness. Rage is a survival technique from wounds and pain. It’s useful, but intoxicating.

[requie-blog]

   right, so, old meta from old blog, but honestly i can’t see myself writing this any better than i did back then, so?

   While it’s not a headcanon that I can apply into my writing, it deals heavily with Ace’s character, namely with the actual weight of one of his character traits——one that much of the fandom and fanon interpretations really reduce to just a quirk, when actually it’s hinting at something more symbolic. And yeah, that’s the fact that he likes chocobos.

  Because there is a reason, one with plenty of literary merit that gets overlooked in its english adaptation, that this detail is included and is so heavily connected to Ace’s character in particular. It is not merely chance nor coincidence that it’s a central aspect of Izana’s relationship with Ace——it is, in fact, critical to the point that Ace’s friendship with him attempts to draw out into the open.

  Now, in the world of Orience, chocobos are not seen with the same characteristic fondness that we’re used to them having in many other Final Fantasy titles. It’s not like they’re hated across the board——many NPC’s, ergo civilians, in various towns remark on how cute chocobos are or how they make nice pets, but within the Peristylium, the attitude taken toward them is very, very different. They are, first and foremost, equipment for the military, a means for transportation, devoid of feelings or thoughts. They are seen as replaceable objects, and that same ideology is an expectation and standard held by all the people who work within the Peristylium itself, perhaps with an exception of the chocobokeeps. During Izana’s initial meeting with Ace in the light novel, the cadet remarks that he’s, “the exception. [He’s] often told ‘It’s unreasonable to shower the army’s equipment with affection’.” Prior to this, Izana states that soldiers rarely visit the stables for this reason, especially simply for reasons to pet or feed their trusted partners——people like themselves are a minority, faced with plenty of scrutiny from their peers. Why this matters, when the classes at this point are treated as separate entities from the military is also elaborated on:

“In other words, the cadets were not ordinary students, but existed alongside the military personnel and civil officials. The classes were one organization that always mobilized together, so the relationships between comrades in the classes were extremely close. If he denied those classmates’ opinions, then his standing among them would also decline.”

  Which is something we see in the game, but is also a huge concept that we see in Japanese society as a whole outside the game. There’s a really excellent post on the matter using the framework of Persona 4 to explain how it exists in reality (see here.), but for the aspect of time, I’ll hit the highlights. Essentially, in Japan, like in Rubrum, people are taught to view themselves as part of a machine, so to speak. Each individual is a cog in the machine, and therefore unless everybody works together, the machine itself will fail or jam——as such, it is looked down upon to be different from other people in a way that inconveniences the people around you. The individualistic sort of traits that Westerners tend to pride themselves on are more openly found in certain hobbies for them, including gaming, where it becomes an escape to be more unique. Otherwise, it’s best to behave accordingly and not do anything that might bother anybody else. Now, take that framework and apply it to the individual classes within the Peristylium Suzaku, and it draws a near-perfect parallel regarding behavior: those who score lowly, don’t commit themselves to extracurricular activities or clubs, or are generally negative are not popular and are, henceforth, bullied.

  So, what does this have to do with Ace’s love of chocobos? Well, give me a second to really explain where Class Zero actually stands in regards to the other classes.

  We’re led under false pretenses to believe that Class Zero is beloved by the entirety of the Peristylium for around half the game, excluding many members of Parliament, if we simply proceed with the story and don’t actually talk to the other cadets. However, at the game’s beginning, Class Zero is new and because of their status and adoptive mother being the head of the Sorcery Department, are cast as the most important and powerful class, knocking Class First down a peg (a fact that their moogle is never happy about and constantly challenges you on) seemingly overnight. Now, this doesn’t have an effect until later on in the plot, when Class Zero is branded as traitors and more and more cadets are asking if they’re really all that and so strong, but that’s because in those initial battles, after Class Zero saved the Peristylium, they had no reason to complain. Class Zero was contributing in a beneficial way to the whole of the country and the war effort——it isn’t until they start becoming an “inconvenience” that the hatred and bullying towards them becomes a problem.

  And we even witness just how fickle the Peristylium cadets are about it, given in the final chapter when Class Zero returns after defeating Qator in Ingram and everything has gone to shit because of Finis, these other kids are outright screaming the blame at Class Zero from the moment they arrive——blaming them wholly for the end of the world despite the fact they never did anything other than what they were told. These cadets are bullies, unable to do much other than speak slanderous remarks in the face of Class Zero’s proven strength. And what’s worse, they don’t even care if Class Zero actually dies like they’re telling them to do, because they believe they won’t remember them anyway thanks to the Crystal’s Blessing. At that point, it’s more desirable for Class Zero to die and make everything better with their absence from these cadets’ perspective.

  In essence, Class Zero is only the top class in name alone. As far as the majority of the cadets believe, these new kids are deplorables if they don’t properly contribute and make everybody’s lives easier, and they only got their high ranking status because of Arecia Al-Rashia handing it to them on a silver platter, which makes it that much more annoying to them. And as we know incredibly well from the incidents at both Ingram and Big Bridge, to boot, Parliament has no issue with using Class Zero as pawns for their own gain, keeping them only as long as they’re useful and ready to leave them for dead the second they get the chance.

  Starting to sound familiar? It should——because it’s the same way the Peristylium staff and cadets treat the chocobos: like tools to be disposed of and replaced with no concern for their emotional or psychological states. And within Class Zero stands a greater example of all the societal constraints we see above in Ace himself. He behaves differently to receive the approval of his classmates and streamline their tasks as a class, and also on the larger scale in order to properly fit in among his fellow cadets——even though he doesn’t actually agree with their views or actions. He does still challenge the established norm, as Cater remarks that a “red-mantled cadet was seen at the chocobo stables” in annoyance, claiming that they were, essentially, sullying Class Zero’s name by doing so, and though she doesn’t realize it herself, there’s little belief that the cadet is anybody other than Ace to the player. But, regardless of his attempts to escape and enjoy the things that make him happy, he does ultimately cave to societal expectations of himself, out of a desire to maintain the bonds with his allies and, dare he even call them his friends, even if it means sacrificing a bit of his identity to do so.

  Ace, himself, however, is also the symbolic equivalent of the chocobos. In particular, he’s the symbolic equivalent of a chocobo from his own past.

  “When he was very young, Ace saved a Chocobo chick he found that had been abandoned by its mother. Unfortunately, the chick later died due to illness. Even though Ace has little recollection of this, he still feels a pinch of sentiment for the lively creatures.” — Crimson Codex; Ace’s character page; Page 2.

  Now, whether you personally consider the events in Chapter 8 to be abandonment or not isn’t really relevant for debate. Arecia Al-Rashia did leave her children on their own to combat the events of Finis and to complete the final pages of the Akashic Record from within the dungeon Pandemonium. She was nowhere to be found, and she had little intention of interfering in the game’s cycle, as she hadn’t done in every cycle prior. In this cycle, the Lulusath Arbiter (Rursus Arbiter, for the localization people) is defeated only once Class Zero is saved from death’s door by Machina and Rem using their l’Cie abilities to empower them from within their respective crystals. And as we all know pretty well, this only saved them temporarily from death, as with their own phantoma expended, Class Zero succumbed to their wounds shortly after the battle once they returned to their classroom. At which the revived/freed Machina and Rem enter the room and, suddenly, overcome with grief, Machina manages to forgive them for Izana’s death and the two of them carry the memory of their fallen classmates forward. Despite the twist on the ending, it’s an intentionally similar narrative in the baseline of how the events play out.

  Obviously, Ace is not an actual chocobo, though, he does possess many similar traits to them: steadfast loyalty, strength, speed, a desire to remain with others of its kind like family or friends, and a pretty similar color scheme to the chocobo from Chocobo Dungeon (that chocobo even has a satchel like Ace does!). It’s the sheer weight that this particular character trait holds in the overarching world of Orience, however, that makes it important to note, because the birds themselves hold such a particular reputation that it’s hard to believe it’s merely coincidence. Ace’s character is constantly put in comparison or in juxtaposition to the birds he likes (and admires) so much, yet we never see the same compassion from similar individuals, except Machina. It’s a smaller detail that, when looked alongside its entire whole, begins to connect the patches that seem irrelevant and fill the voids in this game’s already incredibly elaborate tapestry.

[ralphlayton]

Trust Factors: Why Your Brand Should Take a Stand with Its Marketing Strategy

Earlier this year, Salesforce made waves by announcing a policy that compelled retailers to either stop selling military-style rifles and certain accessories, or stop using its popular e-commerce software.  For a massive brand like this to take such an emphatic stand on a divisive social issue would’ve been unthinkable not so long ago. But in today’s world at large, and consequently in the business and marketing environments, it’s becoming more common. This owes to a variety of factors, ranging from generational changes among consumers to a growing need to differentiate.  But, like so many other trends and strategies we see emerging in digital marketing, I think it mostly comes back to one overarching thing: the trust factor. In this installment of our Trust Factors series, we’ll explore why and how brands and corporations can take a stand on important issues, building trust and rapport with customers and potential buyers in the process.

The Business Case for Bold Stances

Executives from Salesforce might suggest that it made such a bold and provocative move simply because they felt it was the right thing to do. (CEO Marc Benioff, for instance, has been outspoken about gun control and specifically his opposition to the AR-15 rifle.) But of course, one of the 10 largest software companies in the world isn’t making these kinds of decisions without a considerable business case behind them. Like many other modern companies, Salesforce is taking the lead in a movement that feels inevitable. As millennials come to account for an increasingly large portion of the customer population, corporate social responsibility weighs more and more heavily on marketing strategies everywhere.   A few data points to think about:

Research last year by FleishmanHillard found that 61% of survey respondents believe it’s important for companies to express their views, whether or not the person agrees with them.

Per the same study, 66% say they have stopped using the products and services of a company because the company’s response to an issue does not support their personal view.

The latest global Earned Brand Report from Edelman found that 64% of people are now “belief-driven buyers,” meaning they will choose, switch, avoid or boycott a brand based on its stand on societal issues.

MWWPR categorizes 35% of the adult population in the U.S. as “corpsumers,” up by two percentage points from the prior year. The term describes "a brand activist who considers a company's values, actions and reputation to be just as important as their product or service."

Corpsumers say they’re 90% more likely to patronize companies that take a stand on social and public policy matters, and 80% say they’ll even pay more for products from such brands.

(Source)

What Does It Mean to Take a Stand as a Brand?

Admittedly, the phrase is somewhat ambiguous. So let’s clear something up right now: taking a stand doesn’t necessarily mean your company needs to speak out on touchy political issues.  When Dave Gerhart, Vice President of Marketing for Drift, gave a talk at B2BSMX last month outlining his 10 commandments for modern marketing, taking a stand was among the directives he implored. Gerhart pointed to Salesforce’s gun gambit as one precedent, but also called out a less controversial example: his own company’s crusade against the lead form.  I think this serves as a great case in point. Lead forms aren’t a hot-button societal issue that’s going to rile people up, necessarily, but they’ve been a subject of annoyance on the consumer side for years. Drift’s decision to do away with them completely did entail some risk (to back up their stance, they had to commit to not using this proven, mainstream method for generating actionable leads) but made a big impression within their industry. Now, it’s a rallying cry for their brand.  From my view, these are the trust-building ingredients, which both the Salesforce and Drift examples cover:

It has to matter to your customers

It has to be relevant to your industry or niche

It has to entail some sort of risk or chance-taking on behalf of the brand

Weighing that final item is the main sticking point for companies as they contemplate action on this front.

Mitigating the Risks of Taking a Stand

The potential downside of taking a controversial stand is obvious enough: “What if we piss off a bunch of our customers and our bottom line takes a hit?” Repelling certain customers is inherent to any bold stance, but obviously you’ll want the upside (i.e., affinity and loyalty built with current customers, plus positive attention drawing in new customers) to strongly outdistance the downside (i.e., existing or potential customers defecting because they disagree). Here are some things to think about on this front.

Know Your Audience and Employees

It’s always vital for marketers to have a deep understanding of the people they serve, and in this case it’s especially key. You’ll want to have a comprehensive grasp of the priorities and attitudes of people in your target audience to ensure that a majority will agree with — or at least tolerate — your positioning. Region, age, and other demographic factors can help you reach corollary conclusions. For example, our clients at Antea Group are adamant about the dangers of climate change. In certain circumstances this could (sadly) be a provocative and alienating message, but Antea Group serves leaders and companies focusing on sustainability, who widely recognize the reality and urgency of climate change.  Not only that, but Antea Group also employs people who align with this vision, so embracing its importance both externally and internally leads to heightened engagement and award-winning culture.  As another example, retailer Patagonia shook things up in late 2017 when it proclaimed on social media “The President Stole Your Land” after the Trump administration moved to reduce a pair of national monuments. In a way, this is potentially off-putting for the sizable chunk of its customer base that supports Trump, but given that Patagonia serves (and employs) an outdoorsy audience, the sentiment resonated and the company is thriving. 

Know Your Industry and Competition

On the surface, Salesforce taking a public stand on gun control seems quite audacious. The Washington Post notes that retailers like Camping World, which figured to be affected by the new policy, are major customers for the platform. What if this drives them elsewhere? However, peer companies like Amazon and Shopify have their own gun restriction policies in place, so the move from Salesforce isn’t as “out there” as one might think. When you see your industry as a whole moving in a certain direction, it’s beneficial to get out front and position yourself as a leader rather than a follower. 

Actions Speak Louder

Empty words are destined to backfire. Taking a stand is meaningless if you can’t back it up. Analysts warn that “goodwashing” is the new form of “greenwashing,” a term that refers to companies talking a big game on eco-friendly initiatives but failing to follow up with meaningful actions. According to MWWPR’s chief strategy officer Careen Winters (via AdWeek): “Companies that attempt to take a stand on issues but don’t really put their money where their mouth is, or what they are doing is not aligned with their track record and core values, will find themselves in a position where the corpsumers don’t believe them. Fifty-nine percent of corpsumers say they are skeptical about a brand’s motives for taking a stand on policy issues.”

Be Transparent and Authentic

One interesting aspect of the aforementioned FleishmanHillard study: 66% of respondents say they’ve stopped using the products and services of a company because the company’s response to an issue did not support their personal views; however another 43% say that if company explains WHY they have taken a position on an issue, the customer is extremely likely to keep supporting them.

(Source)

In other words, transparency is essential. If you fully explain the “why” behind a particular brand stance, you can score trust-building benefits with both those who do and do not agree. 

Where We Stand at TopRank

At TopRank Marketing, we have a few stances that we openly advocate.  One is gender equality; our CEO Lee Odden noticed many "top marketers" lists and editorial collaborations were crowded with men, so he (and we) have made it a point to highlight many of the women leading the way in our industry, both through our content projects and Lee's annual Women Who Rock Digital Marketing lists (10 years running!). Another is our commitment to serving a deeper purpose as a business. Of course we want to help our clients reach their business goals, but we also love working with virtuous brands that are improving the communities around them. We strive to also do so ourselves through frequent volunteering, donations to causes, and charitable team outings. These include packing food for the hungry, renovating yards for the homeless, and our upcoming Walk for Alzheimer's participation.

The Worst Stand You Can Take is Standing Still

Trust in marketing is growing more vital each day. It’s not enough to offer a great product or excellent customer service. Increasingly, customers want to do business with companies they like, trust, and align with. Those brands that sit on the sidelines regarding important issues are coming under greater scrutiny. Meanwhile, those with the guile to take bold but strategically sound stands are being rewarded. To learn more about navigating these waters without diminishing trust or eroding your brand’s credibility, take a look at our post on avoiding trust fractures through authenticity, purpose-driven decision-making, and a big-picture mindset. Or check out these other entries in our “Trust Factors” series:

The B2B Marketing Funnel is Dead: Say Hello to the Trust Funnel

Trust Factors: The (In)Credible Impact of B2B Influencer Marketing

Trust Factors: How Best Answer Content Fuels Brand Credibility

Tip of the Iceberg: A Story of Trust in Marketing as Told by Statistics

Be Like Honest Abe: How Content Marketers Can Build Trust Through Storytelling

The post Trust Factors: Why Your Brand Should Take a Stand with Its Marketing Strategy appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

Trust Factors: Why Your Brand Should Take a Stand with Its Marketing Strategy published first on yhttps://improfitninja.blogspot.com/

[samuelpboswell]

Trust Factors: Why Your Brand Should Take a Stand with Its Marketing Strategy

Earlier this year, Salesforce made waves by announcing a policy that compelled retailers to either stop selling military-style rifles and certain accessories, or stop using its popular e-commerce software.  For a massive brand like this to take such an emphatic stand on a divisive social issue would’ve been unthinkable not so long ago. But in today’s world at large, and consequently in the business and marketing environments, it’s becoming more common. This owes to a variety of factors, ranging from generational changes among consumers to a growing need to differentiate.  But, like so many other trends and strategies we see emerging in digital marketing, I think it mostly comes back to one overarching thing: the trust factor. In this installment of our Trust Factors series, we’ll explore why and how brands and corporations can take a stand on important issues, building trust and rapport with customers and potential buyers in the process.

The Business Case for Bold Stances

Executives from Salesforce might suggest that it made such a bold and provocative move simply because they felt it was the right thing to do. (CEO Marc Benioff, for instance, has been outspoken about gun control and specifically his opposition to the AR-15 rifle.) But of course, one of the 10 largest software companies in the world isn’t making these kinds of decisions without a considerable business case behind them. Like many other modern companies, Salesforce is taking the lead in a movement that feels inevitable. As millennials come to account for an increasingly large portion of the customer population, corporate social responsibility weighs more and more heavily on marketing strategies everywhere.   A few data points to think about:

Research last year by FleishmanHillard found that 61% of survey respondents believe it’s important for companies to express their views, whether or not the person agrees with them.

Per the same study, 66% say they have stopped using the products and services of a company because the company’s response to an issue does not support their personal view.

The latest global Earned Brand Report from Edelman found that 64% of people are now “belief-driven buyers,” meaning they will choose, switch, avoid or boycott a brand based on its stand on societal issues.

MWWPR categorizes 35% of the adult population in the U.S. as “corpsumers,” up by two percentage points from the prior year. The term describes "a brand activist who considers a company's values, actions and reputation to be just as important as their product or service."

Corpsumers say they’re 90% more likely to patronize companies that take a stand on social and public policy matters, and 80% say they’ll even pay more for products from such brands.

(Source)

What Does It Mean to Take a Stand as a Brand?

Admittedly, the phrase is somewhat ambiguous. So let’s clear something up right now: taking a stand doesn’t necessarily mean your company needs to speak out on touchy political issues.  When Dave Gerhart, Vice President of Marketing for Drift, gave a talk at B2BSMX last month outlining his 10 commandments for modern marketing, taking a stand was among the directives he implored. Gerhart pointed to Salesforce’s gun gambit as one precedent, but also called out a less controversial example: his own company’s crusade against the lead form.  I think this serves as a great case in point. Lead forms aren’t a hot-button societal issue that’s going to rile people up, necessarily, but they’ve been a subject of annoyance on the consumer side for years. Drift’s decision to do away with them completely did entail some risk (to back up their stance, they had to commit to not using this proven, mainstream method for generating actionable leads) but made a big impression within their industry. Now, it’s a rallying cry for their brand.  From my view, these are the trust-building ingredients, which both the Salesforce and Drift examples cover:

It has to matter to your customers

It has to be relevant to your industry or niche

It has to entail some sort of risk or chance-taking on behalf of the brand

Weighing that final item is the main sticking point for companies as they contemplate action on this front.

Mitigating the Risks of Taking a Stand

The potential downside of taking a controversial stand is obvious enough: “What if we piss off a bunch of our customers and our bottom line takes a hit?” Repelling certain customers is inherent to any bold stance, but obviously you’ll want the upside (i.e., affinity and loyalty built with current customers, plus positive attention drawing in new customers) to strongly outdistance the downside (i.e., existing or potential customers defecting because they disagree). Here are some things to think about on this front.

Know Your Audience and Employees

It’s always vital for marketers to have a deep understanding of the people they serve, and in this case it’s especially key. You’ll want to have a comprehensive grasp of the priorities and attitudes of people in your target audience to ensure that a majority will agree with — or at least tolerate — your positioning. Region, age, and other demographic factors can help you reach corollary conclusions. For example, our clients at Antea Group are adamant about the dangers of climate change. In certain circumstances this could (sadly) be a provocative and alienating message, but Antea Group serves leaders and companies focusing on sustainability, who widely recognize the reality and urgency of climate change.  Not only that, but Antea Group also employs people who align with this vision, so embracing its importance both externally and internally leads to heightened engagement and award-winning culture.  As another example, retailer Patagonia shook things up in late 2017 when it proclaimed on social media “The President Stole Your Land” after the Trump administration moved to reduce a pair of national monuments. In a way, this is potentially off-putting for the sizable chunk of its customer base that supports Trump, but given that Patagonia serves (and employs) an outdoorsy audience, the sentiment resonated and the company is thriving. 

Know Your Industry and Competition

On the surface, Salesforce taking a public stand on gun control seems quite audacious. The Washington Post notes that retailers like Camping World, which figured to be affected by the new policy, are major customers for the platform. What if this drives them elsewhere? However, peer companies like Amazon and Shopify have their own gun restriction policies in place, so the move from Salesforce isn’t as “out there” as one might think. When you see your industry as a whole moving in a certain direction, it’s beneficial to get out front and position yourself as a leader rather than a follower. 

Actions Speak Louder

Empty words are destined to backfire. Taking a stand is meaningless if you can’t back it up. Analysts warn that “goodwashing” is the new form of “greenwashing,” a term that refers to companies talking a big game on eco-friendly initiatives but failing to follow up with meaningful actions. According to MWWPR’s chief strategy officer Careen Winters (via AdWeek): “Companies that attempt to take a stand on issues but don’t really put their money where their mouth is, or what they are doing is not aligned with their track record and core values, will find themselves in a position where the corpsumers don’t believe them. Fifty-nine percent of corpsumers say they are skeptical about a brand’s motives for taking a stand on policy issues.”

Be Transparent and Authentic

One interesting aspect of the aforementioned FleishmanHillard study: 66% of respondents say they’ve stopped using the products and services of a company because the company’s response to an issue did not support their personal views; however another 43% say that if company explains WHY they have taken a position on an issue, the customer is extremely likely to keep supporting them.

(Source)

In other words, transparency is essential. If you fully explain the “why” behind a particular brand stance, you can score trust-building benefits with both those who do and do not agree. 

Where We Stand at TopRank

At TopRank Marketing, we have a few stances that we openly advocate.  One is gender equality; our CEO Lee Odden noticed many "top marketers" lists and editorial collaborations were crowded with men, so he (and we) have made it a point to highlight many of the women leading the way in our industry, both through our content projects and Lee's annual Women Who Rock Digital Marketing lists (10 years running!). Another is our commitment to serving a deeper purpose as a business. Of course we want to help our clients reach their business goals, but we also love working with virtuous brands that are improving the communities around them. We strive to also do so ourselves through frequent volunteering, donations to causes, and charitable team outings. These include packing food for the hungry, renovating yards for the homeless, and our upcoming Walk for Alzheimer's participation.

The Worst Stand You Can Take is Standing Still

Trust in marketing is growing more vital each day. It’s not enough to offer a great product or excellent customer service. Increasingly, customers want to do business with companies they like, trust, and align with. Those brands that sit on the sidelines regarding important issues are coming under greater scrutiny. Meanwhile, those with the guile to take bold but strategically sound stands are being rewarded. To learn more about navigating these waters without diminishing trust or eroding your brand’s credibility, take a look at our post on avoiding trust fractures through authenticity, purpose-driven decision-making, and a big-picture mindset. Or check out these other entries in our “Trust Factors” series:

The B2B Marketing Funnel is Dead: Say Hello to the Trust Funnel

Trust Factors: The (In)Credible Impact of B2B Influencer Marketing

Trust Factors: How Best Answer Content Fuels Brand Credibility

Tip of the Iceberg: A Story of Trust in Marketing as Told by Statistics

Be Like Honest Abe: How Content Marketers Can Build Trust Through Storytelling

The post Trust Factors: Why Your Brand Should Take a Stand with Its Marketing Strategy appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

from The SEO Advantages https://www.toprankblog.com/2019/09/taking-stand-marketing-strategy/

[fvneralpyree]

hey [void]

I don’t really know how to start this, I’m always so bad at these kind of things. I hope you’ve been doing well. I don’t know if you would want to talk, and even here I just want to establish that I except no response in return, but that factor determines other things that I’ll talk about later on. 

God, where do I even start? I dunno about you, but it’s been a tough couple of days-- 2 days? Honestly it’s practically felt like an eternity. I just hate bothering you (I know you tell me countless times that I’m not, but i can’t help feeling that way.)I know you have your life and your own struggles and hinderances etc.  and you’re probably sick and tired of me rambling about the same shit that makes me feel weird because it makes em feel like I talk WAY too much about myself. But i hope you will hear me out on this. I just had a lot of time to reflect on a lot of shit, per usual. My mind runs through shit a lot, and i go crazy about it and i cry and i laugh and I smile, and everything else in between. 

But i just have a strong feeling about this all, because after just mapping it all out, I’ve realized how much a fucking idiot I’ve been. I was just mean, rude, bratty, childish, and condescending. I never was considerate of you and your feelings, whenever we’d fight or when I’d pick at you for the STUPIDEST shit. I’m a faulty person who has yet to learn to stop being so fucking impulsive and one who has yet to learn how to use my fucking head for once. 

Sure, to me dating you was super fucking unconventional---but really, was I not just the unconventional one? being stuck in this weird fantasy of what a romantic relationship should be? There’s just different types, and instead of just flowing with it i lashed out and i threw fits--sure maybe you justified them, but maybe deep inside you wish I understood you more. And I’m sorry i didn’t understand you. I’m just not used to the freedom and the independence. I’m so used to having to rely on the validation of others to feel loved or appreciated, because that’s all I really had, because I get put down by my own creators over how worthless and meaningless i am, and how my life means nothing if I don’t do certain things. That’s more of a personal problem, but I feel like it oozes into other aspects of my life. 

I just feel like an idiot and that whole cliche “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” kind of shit. 

I’m sure the cycle got tiring which is why it felt best to just fucking stop---and I genuinely feel like you don’t want to deal with me because of that cycle, not because of my sake, but your sake, because it got annoying and you got so fed up that to you, I’m probably only seen as an annoyance, a burden, and a big ol’ no. A never again. 

And i can respect that--despite still me being here with these strong feelings and having wishful and hopeful thinking that there’s still some of that in you. I remain hesitant to even speak a word of trying again, because i know that the only thing that can come to mind in that aspect is the same picking fights over affection and commitment. And it took me this long to realize how bratty that was, because hug kisses, and a label don’t determine the fucking feeling or the connection, and I just overall need to learn how to be more fucking independent and love myself (so no one else really has to, that whole cliche again.). 

I just felt like I had a good feeling--a confident feeling about just talking about all this again, with a clear head, because I can take the blame for the downfall of it all 100% because I was being selfish and needy and I didn’t for once ever just put you in a more important spot, a spot that you fucking deserve because you’re so fantastic; so great so amazing. I’m sure you had needs that I didn’t even consider because I was so shitty to you. And I want to apologize. I want to fix it too, but it feels like it’s too late for any of that. But I at least wanted to fucking try, just to say that I fucking did. I wanted to take a stand, swallow my pride and be honest with you and be honest with myself, because I’m so ignorant to the things that I do that I don’t realize the stupid shit I’m doing, and the mistakes I’m making, and not owning up to it when it comes down to the consequences. But i want to change that. For myself. And to just fix shit. This isn’t some movie out of the fucking 80s were the problematic female still gets the dude just because “that’s what men do.” I don’t mind being the one outside of the stupid societal norms or whatever. I don’t know if the reason you haven’t approached me is because you want nothing to do with me, or you just have enough pride to know not to, or whatever other endless possibilities that I can only make assumptions about.

What we had was so fucking great, so beautiful, I cannot believe that I would reck it all myself with my uptightness. But, all in all i still have so much love for you and it’s just been a lot to handle. I don’t really know what else to say. It’s just all in my head but it’s so hard to structure because it’s like, there’s so much. 

I just enjoyed everything--aside from my shitty behavior because I was being a brat. But the great times, that I still can’t stop thinking about. Amoeba. Fangirling/boying over music, and just seeing how bright your eyes were over telling me your interests and favorite music/movies/tv shows.I still wanted to get you the Lemmy figure, even though you refused to let me buy it for you, you deserve something that cool, just cause I know maybe inside it’d actually make you super fucking happy to have Lemmy. I know how much you love him. The really dumb pictures we took with that shitty small booth that needs more room (how do people even take good pictures that close??). Being blown away and breathless when you held me and absolutely blown away at your kiss. How stirred my emotions were, and just holding hands. The cute way you’d ask for a kiss at every intersection. 

The Ramone Tribute. Eating probably the best breakfast I had in a while (breakfast with you? amazing, 10/10 would do again.) Going to CVS and hearing that stupid song that i secretly love in an ironic way, but still pretended to hate it just so you’d still sing it. Waiting all day for the event, and god how fucking bad i felt that i made us walk the long way. (I realized days later that I heard a pin from my jacket fall but i ignored it because i didnt want to stop walking, but I lost my favorite Museum of Death pin that day, but I didn’t mind it.) Telling you that dumb saying ‘Never spilt a pole with someone you love”. I didn’t think you’d even find it amusing, I thought it was cringey, but it made my heart swell that’d you ask if certain poles counted or trees. it really just made me happy that you entertained my dumb saying. That ridiculous photo that makes your arm look so fucking long. Starving my ass off but still being super worried about you because I wanted to make sure you weren’t hungry because I just wanted you to not have to be uncomfortable. Even being all the way in the fucking back and having to see Billy Idol from a screen. God, the fucking movie. The inside jokes. The references. How we related them to us. The ride home, and how badly i didn’t want to ever go home. Singing in the car. 

When you worked and whenever you got off, instead of just listening to music on the way home, you’d call me. Every single time. Fuck, I loved that so much.Just hearing Damage Case playing on my phone, just instantaneous change. I would get so excited and I’d drop everything just to talk to you. I loved just hearing about your day if you didn’t mind talking about it, because I knew how much you hated that fucking job. Even sometimes you’d call on your way there and smoke your cig and I’d be right there, enjoying the greatest conversations. Your funny voice when you’d call me “vieja” even though you’re older than me. Chula, hermosa, etc. I loved it all. You talking about how you’d think about me at work, or in other random occasions. (e.g. Nothing Else Matters at the Metallica concert.) [Never cared about the money for that, really. Sorry San Diego sucked so much.] 

yeah, you came off as a picky asshole, but it’s who you are, and you’re so unique and I fell for it all for a reason. I respect your values, I’m no princess, and I certainly shouldn’t expect that silver platter treatment. I’m slowly learning bit by bit, but I can certainly own up to all of this shit. I fuck up too much because I’m used to being spoon fed everything. I shouldn’t expect this anymore. And I’m taking it one step at a fucking time. I really am. I’m sorry i had to rattle you around with my chaos like that. I’m sorry I told you that your way of loving wasn’t enough. It was more than enough--it was all i could ever fucking ask of you, even if my actions fucking showed otherwise.Love, again, isn’t roses and rainbows and kissing under the fucking sunset, it’s just really having a good fucking time with someone, and just enjoying the feeling and the company.-- What id would do were fits. tantrums. I know these things don’t happen overnight, but I want to show you just something different for once. I want to give you all of love and all of my devotion because you just deserve to have someone fucking be there for you all the time. I’m sure we’ve had our share of just bad fucking times, or bad people that have changed who we are for better or for worse. I’m not trying to fix you, because that’s ultimately up to you, but I would love nothing more than to show you a good time and be there at your disposal. 

It probably all sounds so off putting now because of everything that’s happened. And this will all probably amount to absolutely nothing--but at least I can say I tried and it was simply just rejection, which i can learn to accept. because I know I fucked up that much. 

But in some conclusions that I’m trying to muster here, yes, Kelvin, I still miss and love you so dearly, and god I’d love nothing more than to just try this shit again. Now back to what I said in the beginning. if you’ve made it this far, I appreciate it. I adore you, and thank you for taking the time to just hear me out. But, if you really just don’t want a single fucking thing to do with me in any form, you don’t have to respond to this. I can live with you just reading it and knowing all of this. However, if you still want to do something, let’s talk about it. Take your time. Read it over if you have to. Do whatever you need. I know you’re a busy man so I won’t pester you, and I can make time at any moment to just talk. But aside from that, that’s the end of this rambling mess. 

Love you.