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hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 5 years

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The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort. It doesn’t. It only requires you manifest enough discipline and motivation to make the routine a habit. The initial resistance we encounter doesn’t last beyond a couple of months. The authors of The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Truth Behind Extraordinary Results say success is not a marathon of disciplined action. It is a sprint fueled by just enough discipline to build a habit. Habits are harder to start than they are to sustain. The key is to identify the behavior you need to adopt and then work at it long enough to make it a habit.

Researchers at the University College of London determined that, on average, it takes 66-days for a new behavior to become a habit.[i] They concluded that after 66-days, the new behavior became as easy to sustain as it would ever become. Train yourself to act in a specific way long enough, and you make the action routine. Routine actions flow almost effortlessly. Our minds essentially go on autopilot. Our powerful basal ganglia take over for the easily overwhelmed cerebral cortex.

Successful people aren’t remarkable, especially in the beginning, but they get better by mastering consistency. I hope you’ll avoid the common mistake of believing the willpower needed to interrupt a bad habit or create a good one is the same as the willpower required to sustain it. It’s not. Take comfort in that knowledge when you are forging new routines. Change is difficult, but in time, the new behavior will become the new norm. What separates successful people from unsuccessful people is that they develop a few impactful habits. Success is about doing a few critical things right, not about doing everything right.

Successful people routinely do what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do. Unsuccessful people are waiting to feel like it, while successful people press on and do what needs to be done. Successful people nourish their strong wolf and starve their weak wolf. John Maxwell says, “If you wait to feel like doing something, you will likely never accomplish it. Don’t wait until you feel positive to move forward. Act your way into feeling good.” You will not feel good before your workout, but after. You’ll feel like a winner. I enjoy every workout, even the one’s where I must take it easy to fully recover from my hard workouts.

The only bad workout is the one you miss. Even if you go through the motions, you’ll feel much better about yourself. Exercise, like virtue, provides its own rewards. Exercise releases endorphins that make us feel wonderful. Listening to music while working out can lift your spirits and improve your mood. Completing a tough workout provides us with a sense of accomplishment which makes us feel great about ourselves and boosts our confidence. Often people want to feel good before they act, but life does not work that way. You will never feel like taking a difficult action. Usually it is not as difficult as you had thought it would be, but you will not find that out until you do it. First, you must accomplish something meaningful, and then you feel great. I believe that 90% of our success in life is attributed to just showing up. Discipline helps us to keep showing up and putting in the work day after day even when we don’t see any immediate results.

Discipline yourself to act when you do not feel like it. Discipline starts each day with waking up early. Discipline yourself to wake up when you would rather sleep in and get a head start towards accomplishing your goals. Wake up, show up, do the work, and reap the rewards! Hard work always pays. All respect, even self-respect must be earned. Self-affirmations lose their effectiveness if they aren’t backed up by concrete actions. You can tell yourself and others what you are going to do and become, but you can’t fake showing-up. You must continuously give yourself that little push to consistently make the right decision to follow your instincts and not your feelings. You must get excited about defeating your inner saboteur, the weak wolf. Find pleasure in feeding your strong wolf and making the little decisions that produce tremendous results. If you want to transform your life you have to win this battle consistently. Conquering weakness is at the core of all achievement. It is the habit of discipline. Like any habit, it will become easier and easier over time. Eventually, it will become a part of your character. We don’t act disciplined because we have the virtue, instead we have the virtue because we have acted with discipline.

There are two key points I want you to remember about becoming a more disciplined person. First, no one is born disciplined. Discipline is a habit, not a personality trait. Anyone can develop the habit. Successful people are those that have developed the habits essential to achieve excellence in their field. Second, you will want to build one habit at a time. Developing a habit takes a lot of energy in the beginning. Don’t dilute your willpower by trying to do too much too soon. A lack of focus is the source of many failures. “The man who chases two rabbits catches none.” Roman Proverb Adopt one habit at a time.

The process of adopting a new habit should take between 30 and 90 days, with 66-days being the sweet spot for most habits. Our goal is to develop a daily routine that helps maintain a healthy mind and body while pursuing an important personal or professional goal, but for now, focus on one habit at a time and master it before moving on to the next. After you have a solid foundation of discipline, you’ll find that each follow-on habit will become easier to adopt. Your strong wolf will begin to dominate your weak wolf; one decision at a time, one day at a time. Discipline in one area of your life will help you develop discipline in other areas.

There are unexpected benefits to daily exercise. Australian researchers, Megan Oaten and Ken Cheng, found that an exercise routine leads to significant improvements in a wide range of regulatory behaviors such as less impulsive spending; better dietary habits; decreased alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine consumption; and fewer hours watching TV.[ii] When you routinely do what is difficult, habit makes the difficult easy. Motivation and inspiration are important, but you can’t wait for them to take the positive actions your instincts are telling you to take.

If you are waiting for motivation and inspiration to act, you’re never going to. When is the last time you were motivated to do something difficult? Some motivation is necessary, but discipline gives you the push you need to act. When you are tempted to sleep in, think about how great you’ll feel afterward and how disappointed you will be if you miss your workout. I suggest you write down how you feel after a workout in your workout log or journal. It will help you connect exercising with the positive emotions it produces. Discipline puts your actions in line with your values by forcing you to act on what you know will move you in the right direction.

Emotions can propel us but weak feelings like fear, laziness, and procrastination paralyze us. One of the first habits you’ll want to adopt will be to mentally prime yourself each morning by listening to something that stirs-up strong emotions. I also recommend mini-priming sessions before doing anything that is difficult or important. Before you do anything, ask yourself what do you want to get out of this? What would the best version of yourself do to achieve it? What kind of energy do I want to bring to this task? I can still remember how fired-up I felt in high school when just before kick-off we would slap our thigh pads in an ever-accelerating cadence until the football was kicked-off.

Armies have historically used music and battle cries to overcome their fears, instill fear in their enemy, and prepare themselves for combat. A fantastic example of priming is the Fearsome New Zealand All Blacks’ Haka pre-game ritual. Just watching the thigh slapping, tongue-jabbing, chest-pounding spectacle will give you goosebumps. Performing this pre-game ritual gives them a decided advantage on the playing field, by jacking-up their adrenaline and boosting their confidence.

I acknowledge that motivation doesn’t last, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seek it out. Zig Ziglar had a witty retort for critics of motivation. “People often say that motivation does not last. Well, neither does bathing, that is why we recommend it daily.” We will use motivation and discipline to establish the habits that will take us where we want to go. After the habits are firmly established, achieving our desired outcome becomes inevitable. Consistency is most important. If you follow the program as it is written, and record your workouts; your performance will gradually improve. The key to effective training is keeping a log. If you want to improve performance, you must measure it. Seems obvious, but how many people do you see at the gym keeping a log?

Keeping your motivational tank full with daily doses of inspiration, gives you the push you need to take more action, and consequently produce more results. As you produce results, as you make progress, your motivation will grow. Small wins motivate us. Progress leads to happiness. Progress is the one thing that universally makes us happy. The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work explains how progress improves the inner work life of employees and teams. Improvements in inner work life drive higher levels of performance and engagement; which in turn leads to better progress and enhanced inner work life. The author calls these reinforcing benefits, the “progress loop.” As you make progress, you rack-up small wins. These small wins make us feel great about ourselves, which stimulates the release of dopamine. When we are making progress in any area of our life, it gives us a sense of accomplishment. It gives us a sense of worth. Tony Robbins often says, “progress equals happiness” and I couldn’t agree more.

The greatest reward of achieving success isn’t what you receive, it is what you become. When you pursue greatness, it forces you to gain new skills and knowledge. Writing these books has forced me to become more knowledgeable. Daily writing has improved my professional writing. Sharing what I have learned helps to itch the information into my brain and makes applying it more natural. I don’t believe we achieve success as much as we attract it by what we become. For example, the best way to attract someone is to become someone that person would be attracted to.

The best way to obtain an above average job is to become an above average worker. Have an above average work ethic. Have an above average attitude. Develop above average skills and knowledge. Achievement rarely exceeds personal development. Looking for an above average job with average skills can be frustrating. What we pursue eludes us. Self-improvement is the best way to achieve success. Getting better doesn’t happen by accident. Great ideas don’t seek us out. We need to take the initiative to discover them. Jim Rohn said “Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change. Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.”

He recommended you always work harder on yourself than your job. The best place to start the process of change is with your daily habits. These changes will have the biggest impact because they will be repeated thousands of times. We become what we repeatedly do. First, we form habits. Then they form us. Success is always the result of little daily decisions and actions.

In their pursuit of success, many people put off their own happiness. They wrongly believe that they will be happy when they achieve their goal. This is a huge mistake. If you aren’t joyous in the pursuit of success; it is doubtful you will suddenly be happy when you achieve it. People think that fame and fortune will make them happy, but they don’t. Studies have shown that single events, like winning the lottery, don’t lead to long-term happiness. Life is a journey in many ways, not the least of which is that we spend much more time traveling than arriving. If we want to achieve lasting happiness, we must enjoy the miles in between where we are and where we want to be. Finding joy in the journey leads to lasting happiness and higher achievement. The more pleasurable you make your daily routine, the more consistent you’ll be, and since rituals reap results, the more successful you’ll be.

I often tell people the most effective program is the one you’ll enjoy. If you hate your workouts, you aren’t going to be consistent. You’ll fail to produce good results due to your inconsistency. Eventually you will quit, dejected by a lack of progress. Making your program as enjoyable as possible is critical to your success. “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.” Aristotle. Long-term happiness flows from our daily routines. Find pleasure in your daily routine and you’ll enjoy greater success and happiness. Deferring the pursuit of happiness is like waiting for retirement to start enjoying life. I believe everyone should squeeze out all the joy they can from each day of their life. Slow down to appreciate all the blessings in your life. Creating a list of all the things you are grateful for in a journal and reading it daily will make you a happier person. Other things you can do is to surround yourself with positive people, exercise daily, and focus on self-improvement.

[i] Benjamin Gardner, “Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice,” 2012 Dec; 62(605): 664–666. doi: 10.3399/bjgp12X659466.

[ii] Oaten M, and Cheng K, “Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise,” Br J Health Psychol. 2006 Nov; 11 (Pt 4):717-33.

You just need to sustain your motivation and willpower long enough to make discipline a habit! The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort…

#discipline #dopamine #habit #habits #happiness #routine #self-control #self-development #Willpower #willpower depletion #Willpower Doesn&039;t Work #Willpower is like a muscle

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notcomingbacks · 7 years

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Do all?

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?idf,k holy shit theres so many people probably michael clifford because im trash but also anthony

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“thats messed up,” jessa says but shes smiling - look both ways

4) What do you think about most?gay shit

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?OH MAN. yes actually. 2. 2 poems written about me

6) Do you have any strange phobias?im terrified of bees and balls

7) What’s your religion?i should say christian

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?walking home from school probs, or going to kings

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?gotta say all time low

10) What was the last lie you told?i feel better

11) Do you believe in karma?i believe some people get whats coming to them

12) What does your URL mean?all time low and im a whore

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?who knowsim lazy and i dont share my emotions,.,, those were both bad

14) Who is your celebrity crush?dodie clark

15) How do you vent your anger?:-) myself :-)

16) Do you have a collection of anything?dick pics.,., nah i have movie ticket stubs and chapsticks

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?nope

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?hate- nails on paperlove- rain

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?WHAT IS MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD WAS DIFFERENT

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?yeP

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right- computerleft- cup

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?literal ass because i need to shower

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?crackerbarrel

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?idk everyone

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?42

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?i was driving in a snow storm before it stated snowing then it hit and i almost hit a car becayse my brakes didnt wanna work

27) What was the last movie you saw?i have no idea,.,…, maybe the way he looks,., idk

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?nothing really, right now my wrist hurts because my friend handcuffed me rlly hard

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?i shouldnt but i kinda do

32) What is your astrological sign?CAPRICORN

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?a vinyl for my friend katie

34) Love or lust?fuuuuuucccccckkkkkk. love

35) In a relationship?npe

36) How many relationships have you had?like 1 and a half

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?nothing because no one likes me

38) Where is your best friend?katie and maddie and holly should be sleeping

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?reading this johnlock fic

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?i mean if i had friends yes

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?bring the doggo to work

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?id tell a few people and work and church so i wouldnt go. travel to see the remaining people i havent met. no because i wanna die™

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?i feel like dancing - all time low

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?c o m m u n i c a t i o n

45) How can I win your heart?panera

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?no

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?leaving peak to peak

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?uhg

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”hope

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?blue and black

51) What is your current desktop picture?me, my mom, and my nephew jude

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?t**** or p****

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?what was the worst part of ur childhood?

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?selectively read minds or time travel

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?hanging out with holly in mass

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?my childhood

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?fuck. michael.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?australia

59) Ever been on a plane?yep

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.calum hoods eyebrows, martin freemans eyebrows, jack barakats smile, TAEHYUNGS ENTIRE BEING, and daddy larry

#asks

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dimensituro-blog · 7 years

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deleting it later

I feel like i wasted my life and meaning. im 20 and recently stop going to my college class cause i was scared to come back. i'm pathetic to leave a class that i paid and never come back when today is the last day. i avoided so many sessions that i decided to not go on the final exam. im regretting my choice of not going to class. if i just went and did my work i wouldnt be in this mess. Staying at home avoiding it feels nice at first but everthing sets in to regrets. Why am i too scared on what bad things can happen if i came back. my mind tells me that i would be slap in the face but in the spotlight be humiliated but thats just my thoughts. I shouldnt have lisiten to those teachers and people around me about not doing a year gap. I knew i wasnt ready and not my path is crumbling within my eyes. Nothing seems possible anymore. Life doesnt have a meaning for me anymore if i just cant put myself to go forawrd. I'm a failure to everyone and i dont need help. I feel like im bottling up so much emotion i just cant hold on. I dont know how life is going to treat me in the futrue all i see if bleak emptyness in the future. I'm so stupid i never finish what i started with. I avoid help yet i dont know what happens if i do. im consider an adult now so i should be doing everything myself and only myself. Why do i feel broken inside like im just mentally ready yet i threw myself inn this situation. I keep deciding to avoid classes after i screw up like forgetting to do something or homework. I would consider myself lazy since ii dont do my homework on time. I'm scared to go back to the college and confronting everything again and come across someone who was in that class like the person of a group project . I knew what was the consequence. its too late for me to improve nothing going to change. it was doom from the start. why do i think i was going to make it. i withdraw 4 classes from these 3 years for the same reason. i was scared to confront my listakes. Everyone was right i wasnt meant to succeed, i knew i was a mistake. What am i going to do with myself. Am i just going to hold my tears and look at the ceiling wonder what if . who am i kidding. i cant socially interact with people . i always mumble. i cant make a perfect small conversation. i cant even ask for help. I see everyone from hs in their third year in college while i messed up and now in sap alert, no financial aid, no reason to make an appeak since i have no evidence for my disgusting choses ive done for being scared . i wanted things to be perfect, my work being given on time, to improve everything i was in highschool. Who knew i was that pathetic. to even think i was going to make it in life. I'm a useless being in this world. why should i even consider trying again. Funny how i distract myself everyday with music and videos trying to avoid dealing with my thought until now. i want to leave this mess but my other side is so persistent with staying for future episodes and stuff from my favorite shows and artists. would getting another class help yet the last class was paid by my parents...............i should nt have let them paid. It as a mistake. im not mature enough. i panick too much. I was never academically ready for this . i should have went for tutoring all these years, take all their help to improve but i was the quiet type always mute everyday just staring at people only listening avoiding the teacher to pick me. I was never confident, i always saw other people potential and would be better than me. I was better for them to grow since they have more potential. I dont know what happen with me. One minute im ready to do this and the next is my breaking down, either poking myself on my arm and hands or ripping paper to not cry as its a weakness but im already weak. Teachers have given up on me in the past so why would college be any different. Im already punishing myself for what i done to myself with this class. I only had one class to do one class and look what happened. i thouht i was ready but i guess it was a mistake to take english class. I knew i had trouble writing english papers i should have avoid that class to the very end but someclasses i need to take require english101 to be finished with so i thought maybe im ready maybe i can do it. I should have went with my guts. funny how much writing i just wrote yet i cant seem to focuss on writing an english paper. i suck at writing essays. never gave any essays in my 3rd year in highschool yet that teacher passed me... feel it was a mistake. im pathetic disgrace. Maybe im like this but i shouldnt be like this. Why do i always want to cry when put in the spot. maybe those therapy sessions i had years ago didnt work. maybe i just didnt do it right. im thinking too much on its too cludder but i have to work alone. Its always what teachers said all these years thhat you would have to do everything yourself when you become an adult. Im on the edge on giving up my dreams. i cant even get a job. you have to be social interactive not a room stuck antisocial person with no confidence, starts panicking too much for small things and mumble to much as i dont know what to say. Things have to change but what am i going to do now. take another class that is not english but accidentally meeting someone from a group project you were suppose to present todsy or just stay in my room the whole summer thinking whats wrong with me ad this meaning with life and how theres no really a reason to life you just exist. i could just try to distract my self again with music and stuff but with this class i stopped goiing and going to end tomorrow im going to be thinking about this for a while. I could try fixing fasa but with this recent class and my lack of evidence to support my apeal and with no job and no experience what am i going t do. i am a failure, loser yet what can i do. i dont think thoses college ad visors will be any help so whats the use. I never went to my high school consuleors because their for academic purpose not for my problem. why did i broke at the highschool graduation. never had friends always alone going back and forth to school creating characters to fill the need for friends for my idea stories. im realizing they were also a distraction from loneliness some of the time drawing them when im alone. i can see now i was a loner. well what got to me to this state now. Parent expects all or nothing and noting that my siblings are acheiving greater things im just ithe way of their future. i to think of a plan to get myself out of this so now ill just think now that that class is finish. Me and my stupid feeling . Im not sic i can do it myself my family think im doing ok but im just stuck. cant look at them in the eye. i not going to therapy. i dont think it would work for me to go every week again. i just want advise. that is all

#stress #depressing thoughts #life #what now?#what is life #scared #numbness #lost

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe.

so let’s start it like this instead.

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are. Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted.

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along.

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff.

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate.

Obedient - submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to.

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt.

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood.

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid.

Strength - legal, logical, or moral force; degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved.

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman?

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable.

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry.

Tired - drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own.

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood.

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me.

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime.

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear.

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine.

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while.

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew.

blame Monday.

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown

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deargoditsgrace · 7 years

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lets be honest here...

and maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. but to get things clear i’m gonna rewrite this whole saga so that in the end, I can weigh out my options or beg God for more mercy and more grace in my life.

it began in may, ended in august. woooo longest time ever. i dont even think i got to show him my true side either which is kinda sad. he gets glimpses but i was never truly myself until it was over and when we were hanging out as friends.

after it ended, and i asked, arent we not supposed to talk? but then simon, goddamnit simon. we had dinner and it started up again. and i dont know if we’re talking as friends, or whatever but i guess we are.

we talked and hung out before i left for philippines. He gave me my support and prayed for me. then i left, but we were still friends. talked till I landed in Philippines and it was game time.

but when I got back, they made plans to meet up so i met up with them and after i left, andrew called and asked me about missions. and he was the only person i actually wanted to talk about philippines with. More than anyone else, i wanted to tell him. and talking to him, i knew he understood everything I was saying, more than anyone else who didnt go on the trip he knew. and it was so comforting.

and since then, we hung out again and again. once because he initiated it, and the second, I did. i probably shouldnt of had. i really wish he would give me a reason to hate him, and maybe he has but i’ve been so head over heels into him that I failed to see it. either way, i got to school still talking to him and I knew that it would hit me here harder because i knew id be lonely with not a lot of people understanding who i was.

and i havent started classes either because i couldnt get registered. I should have done this when i was home for a week last week but i was lazy and i’m paying the consequences now. God help me.

I need your strength and i thought i was invincible too, but i’m not and it didnt take too long to crack me. thats how weak i am. but i stopped talking to andrew today. and i think he wanted that too. it was bound to stop, just a matter of when. i wonder if he let me do it, or if and when i stopped, he expected it. i hope he misses me. i hope he could suffer the same way i do, everyday when i have to turn my brain off. it isnt fair that i go through this, and he’s feeling the same way over someone else. why am i always losing in this situation when it comes to him, and why am i always losing him to her. sigh.

did god want me to go through this? is it even going to work out. will i find someone that loves me the way my dad loves me, or my mom loves me, or the way god loves me? im sure, but who will that fateful person be.

i miss him. and right now, it hurts pretty bad.

but i also know i deserve someone who is willing to give me everything, something he wasnt able to. and i can’t settle for that.

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xasherahx · 7 years

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Confused

Im so confused right now. I dont know whats up and down on my feelings. I was at a job interview yesterday. I didnt expect to get the job seing how i knew i didnt met the requirements, and i know i did all i could and more. Yet today when they called and told me i didnt get the job i felt sad, but happy at the same time. No im sitting here at the middle of the night feeling pathetic and weak, yet strong and like i accomplished something. I literally feel like im going to throw up cause its causing a weird ache in my chest. I feel like i should just give up on everything, yet im desperately looking for something to cling onto to not do that.

Ive started talking to this guy over a page on the internet. We have already decided to just be friends and wait and se what happens after we actually met. And im fine with that. I dont wanna rush into anything when im as fragile as i am right now. Yet im sure im falling for him at times. Like I wanna talk to him all the time. I stalk his instagram and facebook and other pages to se what hes up to. And when i se that he have liked a picture of other girls, my chest hurt. But then the next time i dont feel anything at all? Like sure we have talked about sex and such and im basically his slave, but that doesn't mean i have anything to say. One of the first things he said when we started talking about it is that im free to do whomever i please when im not around him. And of course the same goes for him. Even tho im as mono as a human person can be. Yet he makes it seem like he just want to be with me even tho his sex-drive is out the roof?

The best thing with this guy is that he respects me and seem to be honest about things. If i answer something stupid he still answer the questions (most of the time). He cares alot about my mental health. Alot more then ive ever done. Or anyone else have to be honest. Hes a really sweet funny guy. He takes time out of his free time to talk with me and to learn me how too play league of legends, just so we can play together. He praises me when i do good things, and he dont scold me when i fuck up in any shape or form. Hes patient whit my negativity and self hatred. He tries to help me get better. He makes me feel good looking at times and he makes me smile and laugh even when i feel like shit. And im starting to crave for his attention more and more for each day that pass. But yet again, i dont think its a crush? But i have no idea what else to call it.

He have in just some weeks sneaked his way into my head and broken down the walls one by one and gotten me to open up about things i thought id never tell anyone (and that is making me raise my guard even more cause i have no idea how to act). He have gained my trust in no time at all. Not fully but its not far from it. And just that is a huge achievement, seing how i barely trust my friends ive known my whole life. I dont feel like i deserve him in any kind of way. But yea i dont think i deserve anything or anyone.

Then there is this really nice sad guy ive just talked with for a few days. I feel like i can be myself when i talk to him. Hes kinda cute, nice and all. The typical guy i know i tend to fall for. Thing is, hes 19. And i know age is just a number but its setting me off so badly. And he seems so sensitive. I feel like if i stay around ill tip him over the edge that hes already balancing on. But i dont want to stop talking to him. He said hes happy i listen when he opens up and hes happy that we talk. But i dont know. I feel like im setting him off by telling him about things. And i haven't even opened up that much yet.. Barely cracked the lid. And i dont want to scare him away just cause im fucked up.

And then we have my so called best friend that ive known since i turned 13. Everything changed after he and creepie broke up. He changed. He started lying about things before that but he never treated me bad until last year. The one person i trusted fully flipped the coin and turned into something and someone i dont know anymore. The one person i felt like i could actually talk to invited me over to stay with him for a week then, during the days i was at creepies place, decide that a tinder chick that he basically just want to fuck is more important then his (his own words) best friend? His best friend that took money she didnt have just to go and visit him cause HE was feeling depressed and hated being alone. So he changes his plans making me break down and get pissed off enough to jell at him. And he still to this day dont understand why i actually got mad, at least what i think. His new girlfriend is a really sweet girl. Hit it off with her directly. And she forced him to talk to me about it. He apologized about him acting like a cunt but something in his eyes made me feel like he still had no idea what he had done to me. What he had caused. I went to him before new years. I was so nervous i had to take my anxiety pills. That should say it all.

Ontop of all this shit AF is at my back about me getting a job. They thing i should get a job that basically marks me a Mentally broken person. Just cause i haven't been able to land a job yet. Just cause i cant the tom understand that i literally CANT work with anything unless i have a interest for it. They dont understand when i tell them im 110 % sure i have Asperger's. Ive also gotten the paper saying they are looking into it and that im in line for the next part of it. Yet they seem to think im just lazy and stubborn.

But ey at least i got that going for me. The psychiatrist finally agreed with me. Almost 2 years later im finally getting somewhere with that. Just had to slip between the chairs 3 times before anything happened, but you know thats normal and can get brushed aside by saying sorry. At least thats what the three people i met think. They thought i had read up about it and knew what i was talking about at least. Of course i know what im talking about. I wouldnt be sitting there if i didnt. Ive lived with it my whole life. I just didnt realize it had a fucking name until my brother got the diagnose some years ago.

Back to the topic males i guess.. Lately ive started talking to more and more males. I keep carving some sort of recognition. Even tho its not the right kind. All they do is want to put their dick in me, yet i keep talking to them, “flirting”. And i dont like that at all. Ive never needed someones acceptance before. Ive never craved for someone to lust for me either. I have no idea why im changing like this. I dont like it but i dont think i can stop it. I know its a new way for me to hurt myself. Ive basically switched cutting to sex. Just havent physically fucked anyone yet. And yea i still cutt when i cant handle my anxiety so. Guess i havent replaced it at all. Just added another bad habit.

My parents are soon out on the road cause the state have taken their house and they cant get a apartment. All cause they where late on one payment. One fucking payment in 10 years. And thats enough for them to loose their home? They aint allowed to get a place with a rent higher then 5000 skr a month. There are literally no apartments for that low rent out there right now. They found a house outside of linköping that my dad fell inlove with, but its like 12000skr a month so they aint allowed to take that one. So in the end of next month my parents will most likely be living in a caravan on a friends garden. And my brother with his girlfriend and her parents. Cause thats totally a way to handle it. And cause of all this ive gotten to take the role as my moms shrink. Every time we meet its always something new she need to vent about. And i cant handle it. It makes me even more stressed about the situation then i already am. My life should be enough. I shouldnt have to handle hers aswell. But i cant say no to her. I cant open up to her about my problems cause shed break then. So ill just have to keep the mask up i guess and break down when i get home after every visit.

Ive started working out abit aswell. I know ive lost some weight, i can even se it myself. Still i feel like i hate myself more and more for each day that comes. I feel like my life is never going to get better. I feel like im drowning. And i have no idea how long i can stay afloat.

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hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 5 years

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I often tell people the most effective program is the one you’ll enjoy. If you hate your workouts, you aren’t going to be consistent. You’ll fail to produce good results due to your inconsistency. Eventually you will quit, dejected by a lack of progress. Making your program as enjoyable as possible is critical to your success. “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.” Aristotle. Long-term happiness flows from our daily routines. Find pleasure in your daily routine and you��ll enjoy greater success and happiness. Deferring the pursuit of happiness is like waiting for retirement to start enjoying life. I believe everyone should squeeze out all the joy they can from each day of their life. Slow down to appreciate all the blessings in your life. Creating a list of all the things you are grateful for in a journal and reading it daily will make you a happier person. Other things you can do is to surround yourself with positive people, exercise daily, and focus on self-improvement.

[i] Benjamin Gardner, “Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice,” 2012 Dec; 62(605): 664–666. doi: 10.3399/bjgp12X659466.

[ii] Oaten M, and Cheng K, “Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise,” Br J Health Psychol. 2006 Nov; 11 (Pt 4):717-33.

You just need to sustain your motivation and willpower long enough to make discipline a habit! The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort…

#discipline #dopamine #habit #habits #happiness #routine #self-control #self-development #Willpower #willpower depletion #Willpower Doesn&039;t Work #Willpower is like a muscle

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hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 5 years

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[i] Benjamin Gardner, “Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice,” 2012 Dec; 62(605): 664–666. doi: 10.3399/bjgp12X659466.

[ii] Oaten M, and Cheng K, “Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise,” Br J Health Psychol. 2006 Nov; 11 (Pt 4):717-33.

You just need to sustain your motivation and willpower long enough to make discipline a habit! The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort…

#discipline #dopamine #habit #habits #happiness #routine #self-control #self-development #Willpower #willpower depletion #Willpower Doesn&039;t Work #Willpower is like a muscle

0 notes

hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 5 years

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[i] Benjamin Gardner, “Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice,” 2012 Dec; 62(605): 664–666. doi: 10.3399/bjgp12X659466.

[ii] Oaten M, and Cheng K, “Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise,” Br J Health Psychol. 2006 Nov; 11 (Pt 4):717-33.

You just need to sustain your motivation and willpower long enough to make discipline a habit! The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort…

#discipline #dopamine #habit #habits #happiness #routine #self-control #self-development #Willpower #willpower depletion #Willpower Doesn&039;t Work #Willpower is like a muscle

0 notes