#it's so hard for me to describe the level of power in ronan and I feel like that chapter is where u really truly understand

[kazbiter]

chapter 46 of greywaren is so fucking insane because you know that ronan is an ancient and basically all powerful being like, objectively. but when you're reading he's also your silly little guy. u feel his pain and confusion and see demonstrations of his love and devotion and u laugh at his little antics. like that's bestie fr. and while the ability to dream and skill he possesses with it are awe-inspiring to consider, they also feel like a familiar part of ronan. so then it just really puts you flat out on your back when you're confronted with the fact that he is genuinely extremely dangerous and in possession of unfathomable power. ronan truly is at his most terrifying of all time when nathan is holding adam captive. you see that his eyes "simmered and burned" and you know. we know what ronan would do for adam. we know what ronan would do to anyone who hurts adam. he doesn't take his eyes off him once. his entire posture is leaning towards him. and when he finally looks up, there is an "anger bubbling in his eyes that would make anyone other than nathan step back". combined with what we already knew about ronan's ferocity and loyalty and destructive capabilities, we have this new information that he is something that is so old and vast and powerful that it is beyond our comprehension. and that's all on display alongside how much he wants to absolutely destroy nathan. it's practically radiating off the page and you know he can, that he could destroy anything that he wants and that there is nothing that could stop him. it's staggering to see that amount of danger truly showcased in him. and then!!! you get briefly reminded of the first book, when you didn't even know ronan could dream, when every display of the supernatural was shocking and somewhat frightening to the characters. suddenly reminded of what a massive deal it was for them to bargain with something capable of waking the ley line. you think about what an indecipherable force adam dealt with. and it all comes home on the fact that ronan is not going to talk to one of those forces, he is one of them. it just hits you like a freight train what exactly he is and what exactly he is capable of. truly a phenomenal display of power.

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

totally stealing @honeybabydichotomy‘s meme-adaptation concept re: i have a handful of things that could be described WIPs and nearly all of them i already can’t shut my mouth about, but here is a trip through the GOOGLE DOCS GRAVEYARD of abandoned fandoms past (mcu, trc, something too embarrassing to list above the cut so you’ll just have to CLICK and find out)

first up, the last fic i never actually wrote for, lmao, american idol season 8 RPF fandom, back in 2010... this was going to be a bigbang fic but in keeping with my terrible track record re: challenges etc. i did not finish it, although in my defense that had at least something to do with spilling coffee all over my laptop right around the time i started a very hours-intensive job with a huge commute. when i look at this now i’m like, this sure was me writing ten years ago, but i still love the emotional architecture of any story in which one deliberately shut-off and long-repressed individual is uncomfortably thawed by the miracle of someone else’s open-hearted joie de vivre; it’s the oldest story here but arguably the closest to an actual WIP in that the ghost of that idea is the seed for the divorced quentin AU i harbor hopes of one day writing; you can definitely see the Relevant Vibes in this exchange, i think, although i feel the need to clarify that adam lambert enjoying twilight is a thing he said on national television, i wouldn’t do that to someone on my own:

Veselka is crowded, but despite the bitter February cold, Kris doesn't mind waiting outside for twenty minutes, leaning against the glass display case of the expensive toy store next door, separated from Adam by little more than an inch. "So - okay, this is kind of terrible. Like, worse than the Twilight thing. But I feel like you should know who you're dealing with, so."

"It can't be that bad."

Adam just smiles knowingly. "Oh, can't it?"

"Hit me with your best shot," Kris says. Something twitches in his stomach as Adam raises his eyebrow to that.

Adam leans down to whisper in Kris's ear, sending inexplicable sparks down Kris's neck. "Sometimes, when I'm standing in the street or on the subway or something, I like to watch people go by and try to guess what they're like in bed."

Kris blushes. "Very mature," he says with a nervous laugh, embarrassed about his own embarrassment.

Adam holds up his hands in a gesture of innocence. "Hey. We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars," he intones. "Oscar Wilde."

"Do you think that's true?"

"I think it is. At least - " Adam tilts his chin up, a mischievous glint in his eyes " - I identify with it."

Kris searches for something to say that won't make him seem hopelessly square. "What's the view like from down there?"

Adam gazes at the night sky, where Manhattan's perpetual glow blots out all but the brightest lights. "I like it. You see more of them this way."

Kris thinks he's spent six years priding himself himself on keeping his gaze fixed straight ahead, avoiding the pull of the horizon or the distraction of the sun. "So. Mr. Gutter." He points to a thirty-something man getting out of a parked Ford across the street. "What's he like?"

next up: an unpublished MCU snippet! this was a peggy character study set at howard’s funeral, also an excuse for me to have feelings about tony stark; idiotically, i actually have a complete draft of this, and got a really brilliant beta job from @nimmieamee, but then never went back and revised it and also could not bring myself to post it when despite being passable as done i could tell in my bones it was simply Not Working, even though parts of it i really liked:

Howard had not taken to aging with grace. It, too, offended him: the body betraying the dream of perfectibility. Dodging it had taken up an increasing percentage of his time. He took up jogging, early among the public, too late in his life: a few months in and a busted knee earned him doctor's orders to abandon that pursuit. His bones were already too brittle to benefit. Howard himself had become brittle long ago. You could blame the war; but that was what happened to people with no give to them. They were like the driest branches waiting for a storm, only unlike branches they recognized on some level the precariousness of their structure, and consequently dedicated themselves to forgetting it.

Howard was undeterred. (Being deterred also went against his every principle.) He had swimming pools installed, outdoors in Los Angeles, adorned with artificial rocks arranged just so to give the impression of a hot spring, and indoors in West Hampton, heated, lit underwater with a yellow-green glow throwing tendrils of light on smooth white walls. Fitness gurus and nutrition consultants were put on retainer, a bicoastal platoon to prevent malfunctions; physical therapists were brought in to recalibrate around malfunctions. They quit with increasing frequency, as his temper frayed along with his body. He gave up, in sequence, smoking, alcohol, red meat, all meat, alcohol, sugar, processed grains, alcohol, salt, and direct sunlight--although by the time of this last pronouncement, it produced little noticeable effect.

Lately he had become obsessed with the idea of cryogenic freezing: the fantasy of going to sleep and waking up in a time when his intellectual heirs had figured out how to repair and replace his rusted pieces. Skin firmed and thickened; knees stitched back to mint condition; a whole new heart, perhaps, grown in a jar or assembled from compounds yet to be constructed. "Wouldn't you take the chance, if you had it?" he had murmured, eyes going dreamy as they did when he talked of his latest missiles.

Peggy pictured Steve in the Arctic, his hyperactive cells stilled by the indifferent cold. She shivered, like a child hearing a ghost story, and said no, she wouldn't.

finally, two stories from a fandom i actually never published any stories with, or engaged with in any meaningful way: the fuckin raven cycle. the dumbest books on god’s green earth. the first was a ronan story where gansey actually dies and stays the fuck dead, and ronan handles it by being a huge asshole, and then, unlike in these hideous godforsaken books, actually decides on purpose to be a better person.... i’m realizing revisiting this now that some of the itch of this story i’ve finally gotten out of my system via damage control, but the GENIUS IDEA of ronan giving matthew an actual soul by giving up the dream power and thus becoming an actual human, sadly, does not really transfer, even though it’s the best concept i’ve ever thought of in my life. anyway, whatever, i have a type:

He opened the door. Adam and Blue were looking at him with expressions he couldn't decipher. Noah was looking at the floor.

"Are you—" Adam started. Ronan watched the word okay die of its own irrelevance in Adam's mouth.

"None of you were invited," Ronan said.

Blue started, "We just—"

"Sorry," he said, loud enough to drown her out. "But this is a very exclusive party. That means no rednecks"—he pointed at Adam—"no bitches"—Blue—"and no pussies"—Noah. "So I'm going to need you all to leave."

He focused his eyes on Blue. She looked like she wanted to slap him. This was familiar. He wanted to go back to the time when his only interactions with Blue Sergeant involved saying something and watching her look at him like she wanted to slap him. Things had gotten complicated after that. Then Gansey had died. Ronan couldn't articulate the connection, but he felt strongly that it was there.

"Maybe I wasn't clear," he said. "What I mean is: get the fuck out of my house."

and last but not least, another TRC story, motivated initially by dreaminess and then sporadically continued after TRK came out (seriously like ever 18 months i dig this one out and write another 500 words and give up again) out of spite - a story where, because fuck stief, adam parrish gets a cell phone, ronan lynch gets a job, and no one assumes that finally having sex means you’re basically married forever without even talking about if you’re boyfriends. this one is like, so close to being “done” in that it almost goes beginning to end and has a lot of individual lines i actually like, but has always been very difficult to pull together because of the reality that maggie stiefvater wrote a series such that ronan lynch acting like a decent boyfriend or experiencing character growth or talking about his emotions is literally out of character, which makes it hard to write a dreamy summer hook-up story; i was actually thinking earlier this year of picking it back up YET AGAIN, but then damage control ate my brain... one day, perhaps, for the satisfaction of having finished... or i might just listen to “cruel summer” by taylor swift while meditating on it for a couple million more hours:

“Did you call me over just to give me the fucking silent treatment in person?” Ronan said. It sounded less vicious than it should have. Like he had been aiming for a growl and somehow landed on a mumble.

I didn’t call you over, Adam wanted to say, but it wasn’t actually true. He had. That seemed wrong, though. Ronan Lynch wasn’t someone to be called over. He was too wild and spiteful for that. Even Gansey couldn’t manage it. The rest of Ronan’s world had given up trying long ago.

But when Adam had called, Ronan had come.

He felt like he might throw up.

“I’m not giving you the silent treatment,” he said instead. “I’m just—“ But he didn’t know what he was doing. So he switched tacks. “You just—“ But he didn’t know that, either. And asking Ronan what the fuck are you doing had never yielded helpful results.

So Adam stuck to the truest thing, what he had worked his whole life to make true. “I’m leaving in three months.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything,” Ronan spat. This time he was closer to the expected intensity, but there was still something strange under his voice. Maybe not. Maybe Adam was just having a nervous breakdown.

[revoevokukil]

On the character writing of  Captain Marvel’s antagonists

How is Captain Marvel’s villain game?

The MCU’s story of how Carol Danvers comes to realise what gives her the capacity to do heroic things is rooted in an intimate tale of self-discovery, knowing oneself, and embracing oneself as one is. It is not a classic story of confrontation between good and evil and therefore the classic hero’s journey formula does not apply. Carol is exactly the same personality at the end of the film as she is at the beginning of the film, with the crucial difference that by the end, she is in a position to control and honestly evaluate her own life narrative – she has regained solid ground under her feet without which no one can pass moral judgments or make decisions that affect the lives of other people.

Carol’s origin story is not about punching someone into remorse and submission, but about finding herself (almost literally) – which means that the antagonists of the film are the friends she makes along the way. The opposing force is a deeply personal one and climbs into the protagonist’s soul rather than threatens their life. That makes Yon-Rogg not as one-dimensional as people seem to think. He’s more of a foil than an outright antagonist to Carol on a personal level, but it’s hard to say whether he is overall meant to be represented as a misguided Kree patriot or a hammy villain because the former gets too vague a development and the latter just does not work – war is war, they’re all dirty, and Supreme Intelligence takes the cake here. Since Yon-Rogg’s motivations are strongly informed by his role as the poster boy of the Kree military, the Kree-Skrull plotline actually should be elaborated upon if they wanted to convey him as “the guilty party” in both storylines that push the story forward.

I’ve tried to identify with the villains of the film in order to write the following; consider that it is not a pleasant exercise but an intriguing one nonetheless.

Storylines

There are two storylines that intersect in the film and push the plot onwards: Carol’s unfolding quest to make sense of her past, and the Kree-Skrull war. The twist in Carol’s personal storyline results in a change up in regard to how to view the Kree-Skrull war, but it’s not ground-breakingly illuminating, since the war between these races is never sufficiently elaborated upon and it is not the main emotional centre of the film – how Carol feels about the Kree and her mentor is! Therefore, the antagonists’ character development unfolds in layers.

Consider for a minute, the Kree ideology. Collectivist, imperialist, hyper-militaristic, superior in technology and culture. Roman Empire seems like an appropriate comparison. They see themselves as the rightful rulers by conquest who have a duty to maintain order, safety, and stability within their empire. Realpolitiks of empires. Hyper-militaristic inclinations translate onto the individual level as well where the collective interest is set before one’s individual interests. And it translates into Yon-Rogg’s motivations and outlook very clearly, though with some interesting exceptions that add to his character writing.

·         He is a devout warrior, unshakably loyal to the Kree’s cause and their claims of superiority.

Yet     he is not fond of the scorched earth tactics of the overly zealous     Accusers.

He     avoids entangling civilians in the Kree-Skrull conflict to the very last     second (he also avoids shooting Carol outright in their very first     meeting).

He     genuinely cares about his soldiers’ lives, and they trust him a lot in     return, even when he is misleading other high-ranking officers in the Kree     army (Ronan).

He     prioritises the good of all Kree above all else (instead of, notably, personal power).

He     genuinely believes in what he is trying to teach Vers (emotions should not     rule your good judgment in a conflict situation; the Kree’s enlightened     rule is for the better for all); it is not only part of     their cover-up scheme.

He     views the Skrulls’ means of fighting as dishonourable because of their     penchant for subterfuge rather than direct combat. In another context that     would be called being “honourable” in combat.

So, as a Kree, an authoritarian space fascist, he is pretty reasonable and a more rounded than your standard evil for evil’s sake goon.

What to make of him in relation to Carol?

It’s twisted from its very beginning, since Yon-Rogg effectively saves Carol’s life by stealing it from her. He hesitates to kill Carol outright by the lake. Then, ironically, saves her life by abducting her as she verges between life and death. And then, metaphorically, the Kree kill Carol Danvers anyway. Only to “bring her back to life” through the blood transfusion from Yon-Rogg and through the presumed genetic meddling to make it stick (her entire blood supply and blood reproduction has to get replaced). A “rebirth” with no memory of past life, but with cosmic powers and superior physiology to contain it. It’s as messy as they come.

That bit of writing also establishes how unnervingly intimate a bond they share (something that comes to underlie a sense of possessiveness and ownership on his part, and confirms that this is not healthy). To see Carol succeed strokes Yon-Rogg’s ego – he made the right call as a soldier, he is part of the origins of her powers, and he is a good teacher. It also makes you think, was it (stupid) curiosity, principles, or admiration that stopped him from shooting Carol? She had almost brought him down in a plane fight, after all. And while he acts under orders from SI, I doubt Yon-Rogg protests its wisdom too much – it is highly likely the Kree see themselves as genuinely benevolent for saving this human and giving her so much by making her one of them (see their sense of superiority, again). If anything, I would expect an AI (not Yon-Rogg) not to want to risk leaving Carol alive and liable to turn against them.

It is said in interviews that Yon-Rogg both appreciates and is irritated by Carol’s “humanity” and quirks. He also seems to me as perfectly aware that what he is doing is wrong on a personal level. Over six years, he and Carol grow close – he is her crutch in Kree culture, Carol trusts him a lot (coming to him after her nightmares) and looks up to him/wants to prove herself to him, and there is even some implicit flirtation between them at the beginning of the film (“it’s me you see, isn’t it?”). That level of friendship entails some empathy. He may be ruthless, but he is not a psychopath (or is only a psychopath to the extent all devout patriotic soldiers are). For despite all that happens to Carol, she is not aware of any of it, and she ends up liking her life with the Kree by the time the film starts. She has military background, she likes to prove herself and be good at things, and the Kree never treat her badly (minus the grand deception part, ofc). From Yon-Rogg’s perspective then, as long as the lie is not found out, it is not objectively a bad life, is it? He has a soft spot for his favourite student (their relationship has been described as “tender” among other things). He has faith in her (“She’s stronger than you think!”), is (over-)protective of her, but wants to genuinely see her succeed - albeit on the Kree’s terms and not her own. He is trying to do his best as a mentor to a soldier and as a soldier to his people, and sincerely believes it will make everything easier for Carol, but because of the manner in which Carol has come to be his pupil, all of what is happening here can only become one huge poisoned chalice. However, you can see how someone like him can justify lying to a person for 6 years - longer still, had Carol not happened to crash on C53.

The truth of the matter is, of course, that Carol due to her amnesia does not have a choice regarding the narrative into which she is thrust, and that is the inherent evil that she overcomes in the film – taking back control over her life’s narrative and thus also gaining the necessary faith in oneself that comes with knowing oneself. The Kree have given her plenty, making up a big part of her (literally), but by infringing on her right to self-determination most horribly in the process. “The best version she could be” can ever only be pushed upon her in this state, like it happens so often in overly controlling families and partnerships.

Consider seriously that while Yon-Rogg’s advice to “control emotions and not let them cloud your judgment” may echo the belittling gender dynamics of our world, it is only an analogy – the Kree are not putting Carol in this situation in the film because she is a woman (they’re arguably rather progressive about their gender and sexual politics by the looks of it). It is not inherently a wrong or bad advice to drill into a soldier, and that is what Carol is – a soldier. However, as it happens, autobiographical long term memory triggers most strongly based on emotions, so suppressing them also counteracts the possibility that Carol might regain her memories. The Kree may well not even know what Carol could do if she was more in touch with herself and her powers – their foremost concern is winning “her heart and mind” so that she doesn’t turn against them. Again, they are personal, psychological villains. So, by tying her more strongly to Kree culture and ways, as well as training her according to that dictum, Yon-Rogg’s hitting two birds with one stone, really. I do not doubt that his orders from SI were, and his mind is set on, ensuring her loyalty by any means necessary. However, in comparison to, for instance, Bucky, the Kree do not literally constantly torture and brainwash her to turn her into a vegetable. It’s a “golden cage” type situation from the perspective of these “benevolent” aliens.

In that sense, the ‘enemy’ of the film is not so much the meme of a “debate me guy” or your ordinary our world chauvinist, or patriarchy (they are analogies, but not inherent to the conflict of the film), but the insidious disregard the Kree show toward individuals and their right to self-determination. As a culture, that is not their thing. And as other cultures are seen as lesser than them, they see their ways as backwards. Arguably that disregard underlies and precedes gendered readings because it applies universally (would they have done anything differently if Carol had been a man? I don’t think so) (also, it underlies the war ideology behind subjugating other races). And war justifies everything, of course, which is the second strongest ‘evil’ motif in the film. That’s pretty good, layered writing, in truth.

Both ‘evils’ are represented in Yon-Rogg’s and Supreme Intelligence’s characterisations, but only the latter remains abstract enough to be the literal representation of it whereas Yon-Rogg is still written with some “humanity” for the lack of a better word. He is very much conveyed as a product of his society, but not even a one-dimensional caricature of that. Sure, we do not get any insight into his inner thoughts, but not once did the details I have written out here give me the impression that Carol is as upset as she is because of betrayal by a lump of evil with no moving parts inside. I can appreciate that in an antagonistic force, because it adds to the hero’s internal confusion if their starting out premise is “friends with my enemy”. There is extreme pragmatism more than there is cruelty in the villain’s intentions. But cruelty follows anyway, because freedom and predetermination cannot not be in conflict, and very rarely does cruelty not follow when ends justify the means quite as brutally as in the case of sacrificing someone’s freedoms for another’s greater cause.

For Yon-Rogg that is not an issue, though he himself is as deprived of freedom under this ideology as Carol is. But Carol’s moral system hails from a different place.

I can relate to it and find it interesting, and not at all one-dimensional. Best of all, it is possible to build upon it.

[lavender-reads]

“She recognized the strange happiness that came from loving something without knowing why you did, that strange happiness that was sometimes so big that it felt like sadness.” 

                                                ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

This book already feels like a daydream. Quick and fleeting but something I can’t get out of my everlasting thoughts. (review under cut)

First off, I wanted to mention that I plan on doing singular reviews for each of the books in the Raven Cycle series rather than one collective review of the whole series. If the rest of the series continues to be anything like the first book, I feel like it does more justice to write about the books as I read them. The story takes you in so many different directions that it feels correct to write about them as you discover the mysteries of the series rather than after you know them.

That being said, all I could say when I finished this book was what the fuck. Not to be crude, but I was so absolutely blown away the entire time I was reading this book that I truly had nothing else to say by the end of it other than to question what the hell I had just read. But like, in the absolute best way possible.

The setup of the book introduces you to Blue Sargent, a normal girl whose life and family is anything but normal. Blue is not only the daughter of a psychic, but is completely surrounded by them in her small house at 300 Fox Way. She herself, however, isn’t a psychic but rather enhances their power whenever she is around. Ever since Blue was born, every psychic around her has told her the same simple fact.

Whenever she kisses her true love, she is going to kill him.

This was never really a problem for Blue until she met Gansey. Or rather, Gansey’s spirit.

Because during Saint Mark’s Eve, while out with her aunt to discover the names of those who are going to die within the next twelve months, Blue finally sees a spirit for the first time in her whole life! But spirits only show themselves to non-seers if they are their true love or they caused their death. 

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

On the flip side of this story, Gansey, a rich boy attending Aglionby (a prestigious all-boys boarding school) is on a search of his own. He and his eccentric group of friends are looking to discover the secrets behind Henrietta, Virginia. Specifically, he’s looking to learn more about the ley lines that run through the city and their connection to a mystical ancient Welsh king who may still be living after all these years. 

If this description doesn’t make any sense to you, welcome to the club. I find it really, really hard to accurately describe this book in an easy way for people to understand and if anyone has a better way to do it, please let me know. Honestly, even the official description for this book doesn’t do it justice. I’ve been likening it back to Twin Peaks, not because of the actual content of the story but in the way the book spins a very normal, realistic group of people and their lives into something magical in ways that just absolutely whips you around every twist and turn. The story holds so much more than what is shown on the cover and every time you think you’ve figured something out you get launched into a whole new situation that creates a whole new solution to a problem you’ve already forgotten you were dealing with.

At one point while reading, I had to stop and text my best friend to tell him that this book made me wish I had one single creative bone in my body because I was so blown away by the writing. The words flow together like a witches spell, poetry that wraps you up in your own little magical world, while still somehow conveying how it feels to be a teenager desperately looking for answers about life and trying to find your own family. The imagery the book uses to pull you in is one thing but the symbolism is on a completely new level. In a book where tarot readings are a very important story element, the use of the story’s own symbolism reminds me very much of reading my own tarot decks and deciphering their meanings. Just little things like Gansey’s Epi-pen sitting in his car or Blue’s face on the Page of Cups. You can tell interest in a character runs deep when you can reference an everyday object and yearn to know the history behind it.

And, let’s be real here, the characters carry this book. Not because the plot is bad but rather because you have to love the characters to get the plot. While the plot takes its twists and turns, you have to understand these characters lives, their feelings, and their motivations. And Stiefvater definitely delivers. I couldn’t help but truly fall in love with every single one of the main characters, from Blue’s need to save everyone, to Gansey’s ability to get lost in what he loves, to Adam’s constant internal battle to be independent, to Ronan’s dealings with grief, to honestly practically everything about Noah. Sure, it’s your stereotypical gang of adventurous teens but there’s something so particularly magical and inviting about this group of teens that it’s one of those where you just can’t help but love all of them.

Truly, though, it’s hard to complain about a book that feels like it was written with all of my tastes in mind. I’ve never been big on fantasy but I love realistic magic and fantasy worlds that mold themselves around real, modern life. I love stories that are so outrageously crazy you don’t know what’s happening 99% of the time until you finally find that 1% and can put the pieces together only to realize that the story you thought you figured out was a different story and you actually don’t know anything at all. I’ve been interested in the paranormal and ley lines my whole life but more than that I love divination and tarot cards and using the future to understand the present. I’m also a sucker for a book with multiple POVs, which I wasn’t even expecting when I picked this book up but I’m so glad it had. This book kind of literally has everything.

I don’t know why this book started popping up in my circles so much recently, but I’m very glad it did. I’m also not sure how I missed this book when it first came out either, but without everyone constantly talking about it around me for some reason I definitely would not have picked it up. I’m very glad I decided to give it a chance while knowing absolutely nothing about it (LOL) and I can’t wait to continue to learn more about these characters and their stories and uncover more of the mystery of Henrietta, Virginia, and the strange, wonderful people who live there. 

...

Side note, the last line of this book. I lost my actual mind. Okay, that’s all.

[writerleo86]

Armor Champions Super R - Episode 150 (Do Not Copy)

   The four civilians -- Desoto, Jede, Joey, and Aaron -- returned to the old mansion. As soon as Joey opened the door, they had discovered two familiar people standing before them in the living room.

   "Nina!" called Jede. "Gei!"

   The emotionless Nina Kannon reported "We have been breached."

   "What happened?" cried Aaron. "We heard about Nemo! Did they get him?"

   The two people led the four teens into the kitchen. And they all found their friend Kody Perez standing outside with another person by his right side in the backyard.

   It was a happy Nemo Allazar. He wore a gray shirt with a V-neck and short maroon sleeves. He had on a pair of long khaki shorts and white socks. And he had on a pair of gray shoes.

   Kody had on a light-blue T-shirt, an opened brown vest, blue jeans, and orange shoes.

   "Da kid's here?" questioned Desoto.

Armor Champions Super R -- Episode 150:  The Cursed Child Arc -- Gei Allazar

   Moments later, Billy Williamson stood at the front porch of the old mansion. He watched as two of his friends -- Desoto and Kody -- talked with Nemo at the end of the driveway. And Billy placed his right hand on the small table that stood in front of him.

   Billy wore a white T-shirt, long black pants, and black boots. And he had on an opened blue vest that had short sleeves. He also had a black lace around his neck that carried a small silver key.

   As he continued to watch over the trio, the eyes of Billy had changed from blue to a gloomy black.

   Suddenly, a hand reached for his left shoulder. Billy quickly turned with violent tendencies. And he found his friend Jede with his right hand out as his blue eyes returned.

   "Billy?" asked Jede. "Are you alright?"

   An emotionless Billy lowered his head and responded "Mars is no longer safe for Nemo. So, Gei and Nina decided the next place was with Kody."

   "Nina informed us that the palace was nearly annihilated," Jede reported. "Eiri was nearby to intercept them. The enemies appeared to be too much for her. She did what she could until Gei and Nina arrived. And they were the ones to save Nemo in time. But unbeknownst to Nemo, Eiri had suffered some injuries during her encounter with them."

   Billy shook his head and answered "That was the work of the clown -- the one Nina called Jester. We had faced him before, along with the woman who carries the blade -- Misha. And they work directly with Ronan."

   And Jede told him "The dogs went to get a statement from Eiri herself along with Nina on the red planet."

   Then Joey walked to them and reported "Gei's making a home nicely in one of the rooms. He may not show it, but I can tell he was worried about everyone that was caught in the crossfire at that palace."

   Jede shook his head and said "As of now, the enemy has not a clue that Nemo resides with us. That may be great for us."

   "Poor kid," Joey claimed. "He doesn't know about his mom."

   "It's probably for the best right now," said Billy with no emotion. "The kid doesn't need to be carried down by the thought of his mom trying to protect him. We should leave it be for now."

   "But what if he asks about Eiri?" questioned Jede. "What are we to say then?"

   Billy turned his head and yelled "Just make something up!"

   And Billy walked back inside as Joey said "Is Billy okay? He's never been so blunt."

   Jede lowered his head and responded "You have noticed that as well. I believe that this has been since the battle against the Dark Balloon people. Billy has not been the same person we have grown to know."

   "Maybe I'll ask Desoto," Joey replied. "Desoto may get something out of Billy sooner then you can right now."

   "This is unusual," Jede described. "He still has a calm persona. But Billy has become even darker."

   "I hope it's just nothing," said Joey. "We need everyone for this. We have to figure out how defeat the Pirates now."

   And Jede shook his head once more.

   Moments later, someone had knocked a few times on a door.

   A male voice yelled out "Come in!"

   The door soon opened and Jede came into the room to find Gei Allazar sitting on the right side of a bed.

   "Are you settling in alright?" Jede asked.

   Gei lowered his head and answered "This will do. Thank-you Lord Kaballa."

   Jede laughed softly and told him "It is alright Gei. You can refer to me as Jede. I am no lord or anything of such."

   Gei gave a soft smile and said "Sastro has always told me the story of the Heavy-Willed Kaballa. To figure out that the main character is you. I was skeptical at first. But now... Now I can see what force is inside you."

   Jede sat on a wooden chair that was in front of the seated Gei and the long-haired boy repeated "The Heavy-Willed Kaballa."

   Gei shook his head and responded "You once fought Older Brother at a tournament on Planet Earth. Sastro would have been the said-victor. But you... You overcame the odds and won the battle. I was always impressed with your story."

   "It was only by chance," Jede implied. "It is true that Mr. Sastro had great power. But it was my will which was as great as a flame that would never go out."

   "The people on my planet have another name for you," Gei informed him. "Flamma Magnanimus. This means --"

   "Brave Flame," Jede responded. "Your people have studied Latin."

   "I wasn't really good at it," Gei told him. "But that name... It will always stay with me. Ever since that battle, I had trained hard. I wanted to be in the same level as both of you. You two... You and Sastro... You are my heroes."

[bedazzlecat]

Let’s Play Street Kids, Pandemic Edition.

Giuliana Doran

Giuliana has been in foster care her whole life. She’s never really known her parents, and things have been pretty rough. She got pregnant and had twins and had to give them up. She was sent to a home for girls but that place... she doesn’t want to think about that place... So now she’s here. She really doesn’t know how to accept love, but she finds herself being like a mother to the others here. Giuliana doesn’t know she is part of an ancient bloodline of witches. Kleptomaniac and Freegan. Spellcraft and Sorcery

Esmerelda

Esmerelda doesn’t want you to know her last name. Her dad is someone super important and rich and she can’t stand him, his money, or his demands. She lost her mom to cancer and suddenly a man she barely knew was trying to force her into a mold she didn’t want to be in. She’s a bit of a hippy. A white girl with dreads. Freegan and Adventurous. Outdoor Enthusiast

Tessa Hawthorne

Tessa is the neighborhood thot. Her mom went to jail for drugs and was served an eviction notice the same day, and Tessa is just surviving the best way she knows how. She’s really sweet and a good friend though, and has a smile that will melt your heart. She is confident in herself. Tessa is secretly a witch that loves to collect crystals. Self Assured and Romantic. Collector

Avery Valdes

Avery, ran away when her mom was taken by ICE. She didn’t want to get put in a cage, so she ran to the city and hid in the streets, blending in with neighborhood kids and going to school like a normal kid. No one seeming to notice that there’s an extra kid in the class for some reason. Kleptomaniac. Social Butterfly

“Sonny”

“Sonny” is secretly an alien. He’s a specially bred genius dedicated to the purpose of observing human life and behavior, particularly how humans treat the least among themselves. So he must live the life of a human child in abject poverty and get to know who humans truly are. Genius. Whiz Kid

Travis Bruner

Travis is... well, just a bit of a psychopath. He ran away because he hates authority and doesn’t really have a good home life. He’s into hard drugs and will do whatever it takes to get them. His softer side shows sometimes when he’s painting or gardening. Mean and hates children. Public enemy. 

Ronan Ambrose

Ronan recently got turned into a vampire and accidentally fed on his little brother. Terrified that he is becoming a monster, he went to this warehouse to avoid people, but suddenly finds it full of other teens, who he can’t help but feel drawn to in their suffering and in his hunger. Good and a loner. Good Vampire.

I’ve done some trial runs on Twitch on a Let’s Play, available on Facebook to see here, but I’m starting over with a new save, creating a situation in the city of San Myshuno in the Spice District at the Old Salt Factory, long fallen into disrepair and disrepute. This dystopian Let’s Play features 7 starting Sims, which include 5 teenagers and two children. I’m going to describe the starting scenario and the characters.

During the 2020 Pandemic of Rabid Rodent Fever, 7 runaways find shelter in the abandoned factory. Some of the children are a bit... different. They all have some low level skills from the trial run. None of them are related. Gameplay begins in the fall (more challenging to try to get through winter) in an industrial footprint (due to the grossness of the build). 

Find me on Twitch, Youtube, and the Gallery with username: Bedazzlecat

Rules: 

These kids are poor. They can’t get up front jobs/careers. They can make money by selling things that they make or by collecting.  Also tips from musical instruments or odd jobs.  They spend their money on frivolous things because they’re kids, and they have no clue about budgeting, saving, or earning. To make this as true to the theme as possible I have set up rules to keep them limited in how much money they’re able to make and how fast. 

They can grow anything they can find to plant. There’s already a mushroom plant and a trash plant on the lot. Maybe a carrot. Once they reach level 5 gardening they can buy any seeds they wish. I will never make them garden. They will have to take care of it autonomously, that includes any seeds I set on the ground. I will only make them harvest. Fishing allowed. They can only sell things they make from the ingredients or sell them on a vendor table. They mainly are using it for food.

I’ll occasionally take them to other parts of the city to use certain facilities or maybe even attend a festival, but they’re not allowed to go to other worlds. They’re allowed to have crafting items they can keep in their own inventory. Woodworking, candle making, fabrication, and juice making can only be done on public lots that have these items.   Spellcasters are allowed to travel to the magic realm to work on their training or to get ingredients.

Roommates allowed if there are  the beds for them.

There will be one prostitute and one drug dealer in the household. Prostitution will only be Friday and Saturday night and with limited clientele of 3. Later on, I might get her to take out a loan. Drug dealing is a little harder, so he’ll have to find a drug dealer that I’ve placed in the neighborhood to work under him, then he’ll have to build the skill and clientele and maintain his supply.  (There will always be a streaming censor in place.)

They are allowed to buy from vendors anything they can afford. 

Build buy will only be used to get something out of the inventory if they find it or are awarded it for some reason.  I will not sell burned furniture from the inventory for money. This is a glitch and they should be worth nothing. They can be recycled, however. If there’s a fire and they get the automatic insurance to replace the item, then it can be replaced. Any other furniture or decor that is found that is repairable or in good shape can be sold from build buy or used in the household. As much as possible I want to avoid selling directly from the inventory but try to make money through Plopsy or vendor tables. There’s a short list of what I will allow the household to buy from build/buy: Generator, Cauldron, Hot Pot, wash tub, clothesline, insect farm, easel, knitting basket, yoga mat, sticker storage box, and the fireplace from Eco Life

I will never make them go to school or do their homework. They will do it on their own if they can but that’s up to them.

I will only click to auto solve for their needs. I will not tell them what to cook, or how much. Because the game glitches, I may have to tell them to actually eat what they cooked or found in the dumpster.

They already have their wardrobe set to have very few articles of clothing. They’re allowed to buy t shirts from vendors, or they can buy one article of clothing at a time for $100 Simoleans deducted.

I won’t tell them to clean but I might clean up dishes or trash myself to generate trash in the dumpsters to dig through. If they earn responsibility points it is up to them to do it themselves. I won’t make them do laundry, but I may put it in their inventory if it gets to be too much on the floor.

Lot traits are “teen neighborhood”, “off the grid”, and “reduce and recycle”. I tried it with cursed and it’s not the right vibe. The house as it is set up from the gallery will turn the neighborhood smoggy after about a week of trash accumulation. I keep the option open to change the lot type for story purposes, like if I want a pet I'll change the lot to attract a stray and add it to the household instead of adopting through the service.

The warehouse is full of mice. If one of the sims has a level 5 handiness score a a mouse hole can be deleted for 1000 Simoleans deducted each.

If they want electricity they can buy a generator or they can get a fake ID to get the power turned on but they then have to pay the bills. They can’t use wind or solar unless they find it in the trash for some reason.

Heat can only come from fire pits on this lot. No fireplaces, central air, or ceiling fans. 

Debug junk and trash piles cannot be removed, but they can be put in the inventory and taken to a public lot to be recycled, but only 3 debug items per trip. Keeping it real.  

Rabid Rodent Fever has been introduced to a family in the game.  If the rabid rodent fever gets too bad and I see it in the neighborhood, the warehouse will be locked down and everyone will stay inside or in the fence for 1 sim week. No going to school, and no social visits. If someone in the household catches any kind of sickness they’ll have to quarantine in a room locked in until they get a moodlet saying they’ve beaten their cold or whatever. Medicine and all kinds of cures allowed. If any sim from the household dies, I will add another teen or child to the household, like a passing teen from the neighborhood, or perhaps someone from the gallery. No EA townies and no adults though. I have aging turned off. I may decide to age up one or both kids if someone dies in the household.

Holidays may be observed as best as they can. They can only decorate with what they can find from rummaging for decorations or something they make. They can only rummage for decorations on a holiday that requires decorations. No holidays have been added or removed. Gnomes can be sold and so can seeds, but it’s better to get the seeds. Think of it as the good will of nature spirits taking pity on their misery.

I won’t interfere in neighborhood action plans. If they’re annoying, that’s life. Kids don’t vote, so why would they have any say over how the adults choose to run things? Stupid adults. We're starting with 7 in case I want a pet or someone gets pregnant.

[ewh111]

2017 Annual List of Favorite Film Experiences

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

With each passing year, I find it harder to keep up with new release films, as well as the growing queue of ones on my “To See” list. On the other hand, it feels like quality films are sequestered till the end of the year (nothing against summer blockbusters, but with a few exceptions, many are forgotten by the time you get back to your car) and the growing appeal and abundance of quality television fostered by its broader canvas for in-depth storytelling and character development is another distraction. 

But that brings me to one of my favorite things about the holiday season in Los Angeles. The last six weeks or so of the year is filled with many appealing options as films jockey for exposure ahead of the awards season. And I have a great deal of appreciation and gratitude (and a bit of jealousy) for the many artists and others who have the passion to make these visions come to life for us to enjoy.

All the best for a wonderful 2018 and hope that you get a chance to see some of the films below that moved me in some way, sometimes filling me with emotion or awe, or provoking long-lasting thoughts, or just trigger the desire to re-experience and see it again. So, here they are, in no particular order.

Cheers, Ed

P.S.–I’ve gotten many requests to also review favorite meals of the year, so that might come in another post. :)

Indelible Coming of Age Tales

Call Me By Your Name — Northern Italy, summer, 1983. Having read the André Aciman novel, this was my most anticipated film of 2017. And it did not disappoint. This beautifully told and lushly shot coming of age romance features a remarkable and revelatory (and perhaps best of 2017) performance by newcomer Timothée Chalamet (also in Lady Bird), who achingly captures the universal yearning, passion, heartache, and torment of first love. Kudos also to Armie Hammer and director Luca Guadagnino. While many moments stand out, including the empathetic and compassionate speech by father Michael Stuhlberg (also in Shape of Water) that is the dream of every LGBT kid, it’s the minutes-long reactive close-up on Chalamet as the credits roll and song of yearning plays that devastatingly endures. My favorite of 2017.

Lady Bird — Sacramento, 2002. A semi-autobiographical coming of age in the suburbs tale featuring the humorous, turbulent, and affecting relationship between mother and daughter by Greta Gerwig in her directorial debut. With a fabulous performance by Saoirse Ronan as the head-strong teen who calls herself Lady Bird, a terrific Laurie Metcalf as her mom, and HW alum Beanie Feldstein ’11 as her best friend, this is the rare comedy that is smart, witty, and endearing.

Compelling Period Piece True Stories 

Dunkirk — Dunkirk, France, 1940. A visually and viscerally compelling piece of filmmaking about the miraculous evacuation of 300,000 British troops from the doomed beach at Dunkirk, masterfully crafted by director Christopher Nolan via three intertwined timeframes (a week on the beach, a day by sea, and an hour in the air) that intersect and fold back and ultimately, come together in the end. 

The Post — Washington, DC, 1971. Spielberg + Streep + Hanks = a highly timely and relevant telling of the Washington Post’s saga to publish the Pentagon Papers. Resonant on so many levels with urgent themes of today—the need for a free press, the role of women in a man’s world, and a judicial branch independent from an overreaching executive branch—all told with briskly entertaining and thrilling pace. 

All the Money In The World — UK/Italy, 1973. I’ll admit that I was initially attracted to this pic to see how director Ridley Scott erased Kevin Spacey and recast Christopher Plummer in the role of billionaire J. Paul Getty and reshot major portions of his film six weeks before its release date. Hats off to him for pulling off a very engaging thriller depicting the notorious kidnapping of Getty’s grandson. Michelle Williams is spot-on as the mother who goes toe-to-toe with her infamously frugal father-in-law who refuses to pay ransom for her child. 

Dark Master Works By An Irish Playwright and a Black Comedian 

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri — Ebbing, MO, present day. Loved this very dark dramedy whose story emanates from a tragic event in a small town. There’s plenty of levity and wonderfully drawn characters via Martin McDonagh’s clever screenplay that mixes revenge, redemption, and moral ambiguity, featuring a trio of tremendous performances by raging mother of deceased raped daughter Frances McDormand, small town police chief and target of McDormand’s ire Woody Harrelson, and racist, violent, alcoholic mama’s boy police officer Sam Rockwell. 

Get Out — Suburban countryside, present day America. A creepy, twisted, funny, scary, and subversive version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” crossed with a little bit of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” for the post-Obama era. A brilliant, provocative, and unnerving nexus of sophisticated horror, comedy, and extremely biting social satire by Jordan Peele in his directorial debut.

Strange and Untraditional Love Stories 

Phantom Thread —London, circa 1950s. I love Paul Thomas Anderson, and he’s made one strange but riveting movie here. A gorgeous Jonny Greenwood score swings from elegantly jazzy to intensely haunting, setting the mood for this darkly humorous film featuring hard to describe relationships (I hesitate to call it a love story) between an obsessively demanding and fastidious fashion designer (Daniel Day-Lewis supposedly in his last film role), his muse, and his ever-lurking sister/business partner and their respective emotional/psychological (and ultimately perverse) gamesmanship. And one may not listen to water-pouring or toast-buttering, or mushroom omelet eating in the same way again. 

The Shape of Water — Baltimore, circa 1962. Mix in a large dose of Cold War thriller and Creature from the Black Lagoon, plus a little Busby Berkeley, and you either get a political allegory (marginalized “others” whether mute, black, gay, or non-human vs. the Man) or romantic fairy tale. Leave it to Guillermo del Toro to bring us the more “romantic” one in this strange love stories category, an oddly beautiful and enchanting interspecies romance between two mute and isolated beings, one a cleaning woman (a wonderful Sally Hawkins) and the other a Creature From the Black Lagoon-inspired merman kept in a top secret government facility. Arguably, the “monster” in this story is the intensely sadistic government agent played with gusto by Michael Shannon. 

Bizarre Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction Tales 

I, Tonya —  Portland, OR, 1994. A stellar Margot Robbie plays the hard scrabble, trailer-trash, and ultimately disgraced Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding in this unbelievably crazy but true story of her life leading up to the infamous incident before the 1994 Winter Olympics. Told in zippy mockumentary style that is fun to watch, Allison Janney as her zany, abusive mother leads a supporting cast of inept characters involved in Tonya’s dysfunctional life. Directed by Craig Gillispie who also directed the offbeat gem, Lars and the Real Girl. 

The Disaster Artist — Hollywood, 2003. Another bizarre, but true real life story about the enigmatic writer/director Tommy Wiseau who made one of the most absurdly bad films ever that eventually turned into a cult classic (The Room). Humorously portrayed by James Franco, who also directed this offbeat but unexpectedly poignant movie about making a movie, though it’s ultimately more about the importance of friendship, having dreams, and America’s fascination with celebrity and movies. (And the side-by-side comparison of scenes from the actual The Room and recreations in Franco’s film are hysterical.)

Docs About Felines and Cheating Russians 

Kedi — Yes, this a documentary about cats, but it’s not just about cats. Rather it’s a meditative and heartwarming look at the community of felines that inhabit the streets of Istanbul, delving into their centuries-long symbiotic relationship with humans in the old city. The city is teeming with cats that are neither feral or domestic, each with different personalities and lives they share with the people they adopt. And therein lies the heart of this film, as the locals share their bonds and therapeutic experiences with these complex creatures, ranging from the mundane to the profound. 

Icarus – Putin + mysterious deaths + performance-enhancing drug conspiracy = A fascinating and crazy documentary that plays like a spy thriller. It starts out as an odd personal experiment by the filmmaker/amateur cyclist mimicking Lance Armstrong’s doping regimen, but through sheer dumb luck and serendipity, he develops a friendship with Gregory Rodchenkov, the affable, eccentric, and charismatic camera-loving head of Russia’s Anti-Doping Lab…and, as it turns out, the country’s mastermind behind its decades-long state-sponsored doping program. It then becomes a terrifying race to uncover the world’s biggest sports conspiracy, implicating everybody including the Russian president (resulting in the NY Times exposé) while trying to save whistle-blower Rodchenkov’s life from the clutches of Putin. 

Docs about Life and Death 

Obit. —While it may sound morbid, this behind-the-scenes look at the NY Times’ obituary staff writers is enlightening and fascinating, and in fact, quite lively (even its peek into the “morgue,” the paper’s clipping archive). Beyond celebrities and notables, who makes the editorial cut in the pages of the NY Times obit section? And how does one get appropriately celebrated in death, warts and all. Now you can find out.   

Chasing Coral – A wake-up call to the accelerating world-wide death of entire coral reef ecosystems by “coral bleaching.” This remarkably emotional doc follows a team of biologists, including a self-proclaimed “coral nerd” in a race against time to document this die-off with powerful visual evidence, and the result is an inspirational eco drama that moves you to act before it’s too late. 

Others Worth Mentioning 

Baby Driver (the soundtrack and editing alone are worth the thrilling 112 minutes of this stylish heist story about a young getaway driver); It (I don’t generally like horror films, but this retelling of Stephen King’s classic was one of the most engaging and well told of its genre); Star Wars: The Last Jedi (my favorite of the series); Loving Vincent (every frame of the film was hand-painted in the style of Van Gogh); Mudbound; Spider-Man: Homecoming (loved Tom Holland as the new Peter Parker); Beach Rats; The Big Sick; War for the Planet of the Apes;The Only Living Boy in New York; Wonder Woman; Spielberg; Battle of the Sexes; Stronger 

In the Queue

Coco, Darkest Hour, Detroit, Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool, Downsizing, Molly’s Game, Florida Project, Victoria and Abdul.

Binge-Worthy Television

13 Reasons Why, Stranger Things 2, The OA, Mindhunter, Big Little Lies, Grace and Frankie 

Trailers

All the Money in the World: https://youtu.be/KXHrCBkIxQQ

Call Me By Your Name: https://youtu.be/Z9AYPxH5NTM

Chasing Coral: https://youtu.be/b6fHA9R2cKI

The Disaster Artist: https://youtu.be/cMKX2tE5Luk

Dunkirk: https://youtu.be/F-eMt3SrfFU

Get Out: https://youtu.be/sRfnevzM9kQ

I, Tonya: https://youtu.be/OXZQ5DfSAAc

Icarus: https://youtu.be/qXoRdSTrR-4

Kedi: https://youtu.be/w9fwhVx9zR0

Lady Bird: https://youtu.be/cNi_HC839Wo

Obit.: https://youtu.be/BgpMNerK9cU

Phantom Thread: https://youtu.be/xNsiQMeSvMk

The Post: https://youtu.be/nrXlY6gzTTM

The Shape of Water: https://youtu.be/XFYWazblaUA

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri: https://youtu.be/Jit3YhGx5pU

[ridleymocki]

Control Your Fear, It’s Clear

Written for Pynch Week 17, Day 3. Prompt:  “Am I dreaming?” // “What are you doing here?” // “Dance with me”

Summary:  The day has come for Adam to begin his final exams, the culmination of all his hard work, and now that it's here, he's freaking out in the boys' bathroom, of all places. But he doesn't have to deal with this stuff alone, anymore. Ronan surprises him and reminds Adam how rewarding taking risks can be.

Notes: Apparently I just have no restraint at all because this has, like, ALL the kissing. Hopefully it has plot as well, haha.Title is from Matt Corby's 'Resolution', which, if you haven't heard it yet will probably change your life.Thank you for reading! Enjoy!

also on ao3

In twenty minutes, Adam’s future would start to be determined. In twenty minutes he’d sit at a table that would probably have a tilt in it and pour out the contents of his intellect on flimsy white pieces of paper. His hand would probably cramp, or he’d misread something and it would all go to shit. At the end of more hours than he wanted to think about, he’d hand over a piece of his soul and it would be weighed and measured to see if all his hard work had done any good. He’d do that again tomorrow and the next day until it was all over and his fate was sealed.

 “You’re being an idiot,” he said to his reflection, and growled at himself as he splashed his face with cold water again. “Everything will be fine. Stop being dramatic.” He pressed his forehead to the glass of the mirror and took deep breaths. He was usually fine with assessments, could walk in, secure in the knowledge that he’d done the hard work, and complete the task with a militant calm. But these were his final exams, and just a few weeks ago he’d been possessed by a demon and his friend had died, then been revived by a magical forest. So all in all, his stress was high. Sue him.

It wasn’t even that he thought he would do badly, necessarily. He knew he would do well, stored all the information correctly and knew how to convey it. But doubt is a tricky thing that doesn’t care about the facts at hand, self-doubt doubly so. As he scraped a paper towel over his face, Adam felt like he wanted to run. He’d spent so long running towards Aglionby and the future it promised, and now it just made him feel sick. “Stop it, stop it, stop it…”

 He was meant to have more control than this. Adam had built himself up through discipline and determination and he’d be damned if he failed now because he panicked. As he looked at himself sternly in the mirror, he felt the warring forces in him scrabble for his attention. His control usually gave him balance. The contradictions that made up his character only rested in balance because he kept them strictly apart, no mingling, no polluting. What he wanted was untouched by what he needed. What he loved was untouched by what he hated. What made him safe could never be what made him afraid. But now, looking down the barrel of his possible future, things began to overlap. Academic success was always going to be his way out, the way that he would make up for the bad of his past with an almost inevitable good. The surety of what this school and then college could do for him always represented safety – he knew the path ahead, he just had to follow. But now, he was goddamn terrified. And he didn’t know how to want something at the same time he was scared of it.

 He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to know.

 The door to the boys’ bathroom burst suddenly open, the bang of it ringing off the walls, and Adam reared back, busied himself with scrunching up the towel and tossing it, not casting the intruder a single glance.

 “You’re not freaking out are you?”

 Adam whirled. Ronan was standing at the end of the row of sinks, arms crossed but his smile smug. Adam blinked. “What are you doing here?” His heart leapt excitedly in his chest, a nice reprieve from the nervous lurching, and Ronan smiled wider at his obvious surprise. He looked good, frustratingly so, in black head to toe and his brilliant blue eyes turned liquid in the light from the window. Adam felt drawn to him by the unique gravity of that smile. And annoyed; Ronan was a unique creature that could elicit both emotions at the same time.

 “Figured you’d need a distraction,” Ronan said lowly, and began to step forward, crowding into Adam’s space. The way he moved, fluid but sharp, a coiled whip, would have scared anyone in their right mind. But Adam was a little crazy over Ronan Lynch, and as his shoulders dropped in relief at seeing him, he moved forward too, just to touch him all the sooner.

 Ronan’s hands came up to frame his face and he kissed him hard, bodies pressing immediately together. There had been a number of times over the last weeks where their kisses had managed to wipe Adam’s mind absolutely clean, and this was one of them. They wound around each other, Ronan licking into his mouth and getting a groan out of him.

 At first, when Adam had first kissed him and they’d begun this, the feeling of being circled in someone’s arms, feeling their laughter against his lips, had made Adam nervous. Too close, too heady, too vulnerable. But he’d realised soon enough it was a power all its own, to occupy someone’s attention so completely. And to occupy Ronan’s attention like this was a very powerful thing, indeed. Adam craved it, the give and take, this cherished feeling.

 He felt the movement of the muscles in Ronan’s shoulder as he slid a hand down Adam’s spine, curling his arm around his waist. Adam scratched at the edge of Ronan’s buzzed hair, the prickle of it grounding and perfect as their mouths worked to make him forget. After too many minutes and too few breaths, Ronan withdrew, but kept passing a hand up and down Adam’s back, warm and reassuring.

 “Distracted?” Ronan said, and his voice was a mess. Adam huffed, pressed another firm but quick kiss to Ronan’s reddened lips, biting at the bottom one before leaning back to scowl at him.

 “How the fuck am I supposed to do this exam, now?” He watched Ronan’s grin grow wide and pleased, his perfect teeth infuriating.

 “Same way you do everything,” he bent his head and nipped at the hinge of Adam’s jaw, “stubbornly.” Ronan continued to kiss down his neck, not seeing the way Adam rolled his eyes, though he probably knew anyway.

 It occurred to Adam as he lost himself in the fact of Ronan, the smell and shape of him, that his exams weren’t the first time he’d wanted something and been scared of it, too. Don’t break him, Adam, Gansey had said. But when Adam had first kissed him, replying to the question Ronan had left hanging on his lip earlier that night, Adam was sure that it was going to be himself that shook apart. When they lounged in silence and Ronan pressed Adam’s fingers to his mouth, Adam was afraid. No one had told Ronan not to break Adam. No one had told Adam what to do with someone’s love, how to treat it well. He’d wanted it violently, wanted it with a white hot need that he’d never felt before, not for doing well at school, not for breaking free of this town. He’d wanted Ronan like nothing else and it was still, in its own way, the scariest thing he’d ever done.

 He nudged his nose into Ronan’s throat and breathed him in, allowing himself to be held. Weeks ago, what he wanted had won out against what he feared. It could do so again, he figured.

 “I have to go,” he mumbled. Ronan made a noise of assent and squeezed him once before moving away. He still wore a smirk, but it was smaller, private.

 “You’re an idiot if you think you’re not gonna beat all of them,” he said quietly.

 Adam smiled. “Trust you to make me stop being an idiot, then.”

 Ronan clapped him on the shoulder and grinned, apparently glad he’d succeeded. Adam’s chest felt warm at the idea that his boyfriend would’ve had to drive up from the Barns – and early in the morning, too – just to give him a pep talk. It was so uncharacteristic on one level, and so predictable on another. As Ronan steered him towards the door, Adam got caught up in imagining them being able to celebrate at the end of the week, the whole group of them together and laughing, with a weight off his own mind. He didn’t think about his exam at all as they walked down the corridor towards the great hall, just enjoyed the weight of Ronan’s arm over his shoulders and his musing.

 As they approached, a few boys in the line waiting to enter caught sight of Ronan and began to whisper amongst themselves. “God, you’d think they had nothing better to gossip about,” Ronan said.

 “Well since you left they probably haven’t,” and Adam poked him in the ribs, laughing under his breath. They came to a stop and suddenly Ronan was tugging at his hand, getting him to turn into Ronan’s body and in a heartbeat he was being kissed, again. Adam heard a choked off noise from behind them but it didn’t matter, none of it mattered. They parted breathless and smiling.

 “There,” Ronan said, “they can gossip about that.” Adam laughed and swatted him away, protesting that he really had to go. He felt Ronan slide a hand down his back one more time before he stepped back. To the boys still looking over at them, Ronan gave what could only be described as a threatening nod, which Adam found quietly hilarious, and then he was off, walking out with a sway to his hips and a smirk over his shoulder that Adam vowed to pay him back for at his earliest opportunity.

 Adam joined the line, basking in the reproachful looks from a few, and checked in with himself. His nerves were all but gone, sensible concern taking their place, and the knowledge he needed for this exam felt like it was all there, just waiting for summons. He might be able to do this, after all.

 He shifted in place as he waited and frowned when he felt something in his back pocket, quickly digging it out. It took a few seconds for him to realise what he was seeing, but when he understood, he couldn’t have helped his smile if he tried. In his palm was the single, pale coloured card of The Magician from the deck Persephone had left him. Ronan must have snuck it into his pocket just before he left.

 “Bastard,” Adam said to himself, staring reverently at the card. The magician was a figure who could do anything, who harnessed everything available to him and used it well, who determined his own destiny with sheer force of will. The magician was Adam, and Ronan had driven more than an hour in the early morning just to remind him of that. “You absolute bastard,” he muttered, but his chest was impossibly warm.